This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI A M six forty The
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Doctor Doctor, kim
Me the News, I Gotta Mags Loving You. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Lab everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
We talked about being in a relationship. We talked about what the green flags
are. We talked about how hard it is to find a mate at the
beginning. What happens if you found somebody that you think is absolutely great and
some other important person in your life does not approve of them. I'm gonna
tell you a story. I had a big white Catholic wedding before my mother.
I played the bride when I was twenty I might have been twenty one
somewhere in there. Early. I was in college, and I did it
because I started dating this guy in college, my college boyfriend, and I
was in love with him and he was in love with me, and my
mother stopped talking to me because she was very Catholic, and you know,
you can't be I think I was living with him or something. He can't
be shacked up and all that stuff, and I literally thought, Wow,
I've had a relationship with this woman for twenty years. I've had a relationship
with him for like nine months. Like who do I pick? Who do
I pick? And I went with her. In this case, it probably
wasn't a good idea. What I didn't know is that my own mother had
a secret teenage pregnancy back in nineteen forty eight, and back then the troubles
that came to women who got pregnant before marriage were terrible. She took a
train alone a thousand miles to visit an older sister, stayed for six months,
had to give her baby away to the Catholic Church, and come back
like nothing happened, not allowed to experience postpartum depression, and I'm sure she
suffered for the rest of her life. I know now that she projected that
experience onto me, and there was this rush to get me married. But
in your case today, if there's somebody saying they don't like your new mate,
you need to ask yourself what the reason is. Now, there are
some positive reasons why somebody might not like the person you're dating, and that
might conclude that you've just moved too fast in your past relationships. Maybe you
surged forward on an oxytocin dopamine high and you put on those rose colored glasses
where this person looked so perfect. While I promise you, your friends and
family can see things that you cannot. If you've had a history like this,
I think it's wise to down and listen to them. Another positive reason
why friends or family might not be liking the person you're dating is because your
person is not treating you so well. Maybe your partner's disrespecting you. Your
friends and family can care about you. They can see it. You've got
loosey goosey boundaries and you just want to make this work no matter what.
In this case, it's wise to listen to them. Now, there are
a couple of reasons why it's wise to not listen to them. I should
not have listened to my mother. I should have explored more about why are
you pushing this, what is about, et cetera. I don't think she
would have said, well, I had a terrible teenage pregnancy. By the
way, if you don't know, if you haven't listened to my show before
I found I call him my new brother Mike. But I think I found
him almost eight or ten years ago now, and he's wonderful. It's like
my mother being brought back to life. My mother died of breast cancer when
I was thirty and and twenty years later I find this new brother and he's
so much like her, and he's so much like my other brothers, and
he's just part of the family, as is his wife and his kids and
their kids, and it's really quite a merger of family. So it's all
a wonderful thing. In the end. I wish my mom was alive to
see that, to know that all her babies got together at the end of
days. Uh. Anyway, I shouldn't listen to my mother back when I
was forced into the big white wedding. But there are some other reasons why
you shouldn't listen to friends and family, and one of the big ones is
that your friends are single and they don't want to see you happy. Okay,
this is often the case. If you're saying if you are if your
single friend is like your wingman wingwoman to you, if you leave the mating
marketplace, where does that leave them? I mean, you're supposed to be
their loyal companion and maybe even their social survival is dependent on you not coupling
up, you know, so ask yourself about that. Another negative reason why
friends or family might not want you coupling up because they are financially, physically,
or emotionally dependent on you. Perhaps you have an aging parent who doesn't
want to take what, doesn't want your attention to go elsewhere. Maybe you've
got a sibling who needs free childcare. Maybe you've got an enmeshed family system,
the kind where nobody can remember whose problem is who's They're all kinds of
invisible bonds between family members, and when you find a solid partner, those
bonds might be threatened. So ask yourself, is that going on? But
I do know the feeling. It can be so distressing if you're really into
somebody and people you love are not listen. I just want to say a
little little word of caution. This is a cautionary tale. Years ago,
I hosted a regular series for investigation Discovery Network, Yeah, the network that's
all about love and murder. And it was called Happily Never After, and
it was about brides and grooms who basically murdered each other. Okay, we
had to look very hard for brides who did the murdering, but we wanted
to make a balanced mostly the dudes, okay. And so what we found
out is that almost one hundred percent of the time they eloped because the friends
and family were not supportive of this relationship. So other people sniffed out that
this could be a bad person. So sometimes you want to pay attention,
okay, you want to have good conversations about why and try to make these
good decisions. Now, what should you do if your friends or family don't
approve, well, definitely slow down the relationship. Look at it as a
little red flag. Okay, the people around me don't want me to be
with this person. Let me take some time to figure out if it's their
issue, whether they're seeing something that you're not seeing. Now, the other
thing you can do is expand the jury. If you're not sure of the
motives of those naysayers out there, just seek different people's opinions. Take your
new partner out, introduce them to other people, people who you trust to
be honest, and after that social event, you know, call them and
go, hey, what do you think of this person? Did you get
any bad vibes? What was that about? Right, and be honest okay
to tell them, be honest, just expand the jury, get more opinions,
and finally, use a therapist as a deal breaker. If you're already
in therapy, your therapist knows you, knows you well, knows your past
romantic behavior. He or she may be better equipped to give you a professional
opinion of the situation. If you don't have a therapist, and let's say
you've been dating this person for enough months, you might actually suggest, like,
hey, why don't we go to therapy together so that I don't want
to make some of the same mistakes in the past, so we can have
a good relationship system together. Let's start by creating healthy patterns and see what
happens. Because you could go to therapy and the therapist might be like,
YouTube, I don't know that you should be together. It happens, Hey
want me come back. I am answering your social media questions and I'm taking
your calls. The phone number is one eight hundred five to zero one kf
I. That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. You're
listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I A M six forty.
She would I stay I should, I should stay still trouble say trouble,
so plump. Let me k F I A M six forty. You have
doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Dr wendywallsh Show. I'm taking
your calls and your social media questions. The number is one eight hundred five
two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred and five to zero
one KF. I'd like to welcome my Instagram audience who are watching live.
If you'd like to come in the studio and see what it's all about here,
you're welcome to go on to my Instagram. The handle is at doctor
Wendy Walsh. Okay, Producer Kayla. Who do we have first? Do
you have John with a question? John? Hi, John, it's doctor
Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy. Thank you for taking the call. You're
welcome. What's your question? John? The question is when would it be
a good idea to approach a woman and what you say to her when approaching
her? And then a second part would be before ending the conversation, how
to make my intentions known or ask her for the number or for a date.
Okay, so the way that would be receptive? Yeah, I have
a great answer for this, John. So the most important thing if you're
meeting somebody, a stranger in public who you find attractive, and you know
John's question is, you know, what do you say when you're approaching somebody
and how do you get the number? Basically, And it's interesting because there's
a whole generation of young men who've only used dating apps and they don't have
an a game yet about how to meet people in the real world. So
the most important thing is you study whatever they're doing and find commonality. Right,
if they're in line at Starbucks and they're playing Candy Crush, you might
lean over and go, you know, what's your top score? I love
that game or whatever, or if they're you know, we we have what
social indicators on our body, right, which means we wear certain kinds of
clothing designed by certain people, or wearing certain kind of logos, certain kinds
of articles of clothing meant to perform an activity, you know whatever, Like
they're just in something that's saying thing, oh do you do plots, I
like to try plates, whatever, whatever they're wearing, So you might want
to comment on something that's a social indicator. They might have a backpack with
a logo or like, oh wow, did you go to New Zealand before?
I see that backpacks from there are something right, So finding commonality is
the first way to gain trust with a stranger. Then see if they're receptive.
If they're not and they give you a one word answer and turn their
back, then it's okay. Right guys with a good a game, don't
even let that get them down. They'll know approach other people at other times.
Then try to let the conversation extend a little bit more. Think of
other things to talk about, whether it's just the weather, See if they're
if they're reciprocating, if they're providing information about their life that you can continue
to find commonality. Then you can continue the conversation, and at the end,
when it's time to separate, just say, hey, I think you're
really cool. Do you want to get together for coffee sometime? You just
keep it light. It's not like would you like to go out with me?
May I please have your phone number? That is heavy and that is
scary. There's a compliment. Hey, I find you really cool, not
attractive. Don't say that. I used to have guys stalk me and say
I find you really attractive. Would you like to go out with me?
I'm like, no, that's just weird, right, it sounds very sexual
and physical. Just say, hey, you sound really cool. You want
to grab a coffee? Sometimes? Keep it light and fun. That's how
you meet someone in the real world. Okay, if you'd like to give
us a call, the numbers one eight hundred and five, two zero,
one, five three four Okay, produce, sir, Kayla, who do
we have next? We have Lindsay with the question Lindsay, Hi, Lindsay,
it's doctor Wendy. Hi. It's so nice to meet you. Nice
to meet you too. What's your question? Love? Okay, my best
friend did not make me. This might sound so stupid, but my best
friend did not make me the godmom of her child. And she made another
one of her friends the godmom who was already the godmo of her other child.
And I don't know, I just wait away because that's there's her longer.
There's a godmother out there doing double duty like this girl. Your best
friend gave birth to her second child and the same woman. And did I
overhear you say you've been in her life longer than the new friend? Yeah?
And I don't want to be weird about it. I don't know if
I should. If I'm entitled to feel any type of way, but I
don't know. I just I don't. It just bothers me, and I
don't want to tell her bothers me. I don't know if I should tell
her It bothers me. Absolutely, Okay, First of all, lindsay,
your feelings are valid, All feelings are welcome, and I'm sure you feel
completely hurt and rejected by this, right, and so my opinion is,
you know, take some time to process if you need it, but bring
it up to her in not. I mean, you see, some people
get really mad, and anger is always a mask for hurt, right,
And so you're feeling hurt, and the easiest go to place when we feel
hurt is to get mad, because for somehow anger feels like it's ejecting negative
feelings out of our body. So if you can process to the point where
you can get past the anger and get to the hurt and be in a
vulnerable place when you say, hey, you know when you made that other
girl godmother of your baby, I felt really hurt. I know you have
your reasons, but I can't imagine any reason that would help me feel better.
But can we sort this out? Because I love you and this really
hurts now. I obviously can't figure out what her answer is going to be,
but wouldn't be nice if she could just apologize, If she could say,
Wow, I never thought you'd take it this way, and I'm so
sorry this happened. Let's find a way I can make it up to you.
That's what she could say, right, She could find a way,
Lindsey, thank you for calling. I'm so sorry if it hurts. Oh
my gosh. Can you imagine it's like your best friend since childhood? And
she lets another time to go to social media. We have to wrap up
ready, okay, Well a short one. Okay, let's if I can
find a short one. They write a lot, all right, Dear doctor
Wendy. I experienced a breakup in November, and now she's married already.
I feel like she was dating both of us at the same time. Should
I reach out and confront her? No, what's done is done. And
you know what, people overlap relationships all the time because people aren't good at
just wrapping up one and moving into the other. That's just life. No,
why should you, she's married. Why mess up with her marriage and
her wedding and everything? What the heck are you thinking? Move on?
You broke up? Okay, I'm gonna continue to go to social media and
take your calls when we come back. The numbers one, eight hundred and
five to two zero, one, five to three four. You're listening to
Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Oh help me,
please do da damaged. That's the pain where the once hardenslap then it's avating.
Can't you pare it down? Friday? In that job? I Mama,
I'm saying man es today, that's the day. Welcome back to the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app. I am going to social media. If you want to send me
a DM anytime during the week, Producer Caleb pulls them off my Instagram,
my TikTok, my YouTube. The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Okay, Dear doctor Wendy help Okay. I'm here to help reminder everybody.
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I've written three books
on relationships, and I'm excited to weigh in with some wisdom help, says
this person. I went on two dates with this guy I was crazy about.
Well, that sounds exciting, But after the first date, he became
immediately flaky, like we would have a date setup and I wouldn't hear from
him all day, And he texted a couple days later, not mentioning about
the date he forgot about or he'd canceled thirty minutes before. He also rarely
texts me, so after a month of only two dates, I texted saying
we aren't compatible, but he sent this text about how he can't believe he's
coming off this way and he wants to love me and find a wife in
me. I'm so confused. I don't know what to make of this.
Well, I'm going to tell you what to make of this. This guy
is either not ready for a commitment, he's a player, or he's just
not into you. And when he then texts you and doesn't even mention the
date that he didn't that had been pre arranged, that he didn't show up
on you silently gave permission for him to treat you badly. We teach people
how to treat us. Yeah, we teach people how to treat us,
and we do it by accepting bad behavior from the very beginning. If you
followed me for years, you probably know the story. They've got millions of
views on TikTok about the financial abuse that I experienced. But it began with
me being hot and heavy for this guy and him, like, I was
on a business trip and it was in like exotic location, so he joined
me, but everything was paid for by the company because it was a business
trip, but he paid for his own air fare of course. And then
as we were checking out of the hotel, I went to you know,
he went out to get a cab whatever, and I went up to the
front desk to sign the incidentals because I have to leave a credit card for
anything you personally use. And I noticed that there were two shirts signed from
the little pro shop. There two shirts. I mean, we're talking about
eighty bucks or something, maybe each, I don't know, supensive hotel,
and I said nothing, I just signed that check. It was a test.
Let's start with a little thing. You don't want to know how much
money he stole from me years later, Okay, so just letting you know
see what you can tolerate and what you'll take if you sit around waiting and
trying to be nice and polite so he'll call you back. No, I
can't say the word because I think I can't sit on the radio. But
it starts with B and it rhymes with itches itches get commitments, Just saying,
all right, moving on, dear doctor Wendy. In your experience,
do men break up when things are going really well and drama free out of
a fear of commitment? All right? I wouldn't put a gender on this,
but I would say there is an attachment style called anxious ambivalent, and
those are the come closer, come closer, go away folks. In other
words, they crave intimacy, they crave closeness, but when it's actually there,
they have to push it away. They have to create some kind of
drama. Remember, our attachment style is formed very early in our life.
It's mostly learned behavior. There's some genetic peace to it. But if we
grew up in a family of origin where there's a lot of conflict, then
love doesn't feel like love unless there's conflict. You see, love isn't about
finding pleasure. Love is about finding the familiar, the familiar exactly, and
so I wouldn't put gender on it. But yes, there are some people
who cause problems when things are going well because they don't know how to tolerate
happiness. Think about that one. They don't know how to tolerate happiness.
All right, Moving on, dear doctor Wendy, all the ladies are checking
in tonight. First, she starts with a question, am I overreacting?
I haven't even read what's coming up, but my answer is going to be
probably, we'll see. The guy I'm dating told me last weekend when I
visited his place, I drove an hour each way. Well why did you
do that? Anyway? Okay, that he told me last week that he
would visit me this weekend, and then he texted yesterday afternoon saying he was
going to the Midwest for work. No apology, not even giving an explanation.
But that is an explanation. I have to go work, Okay.
I kept it cool and texted him at four pm that I'm sure it'll be
a fun trip. He didn't check my messages. I called him at seven
pm. Oh oh oh, you'll break in the walls. You don't call
him text a guy oh yeah, yeah, but he didn't reply to my
call. And he replied to my text message from four pm yesterday today at
eight okay, so twenty eight hours asking if I would join him for his
work trip. What would you do with this situation? Okay, First of
all, you guys need to get on the phone and stop texting because you're
trying to both trying to read into each other's stuff. So he texted saying
he was going to the Midwest for work. You said you drove an hour
and away to visit him, ask him you were supposed to get together.
You're not telling me what you said in the text because you said I kept
it cool. Text him at four pm? Would you say, like,
oh, yeah, I'm sure it's a business ship. Why aren't you inviting
me? I don't know what you said, so I need more more detail
in what we're in these texts. But I also I think the thing you
should say if you got that text saying he's going away on business is just
instead of have a fun trip, because that's not how you feel. That's
not the truth. You're gonna say, Oh, that's really disappointing. I'd
hope to see you this weekend. Give me a call so we can discuss.
Then get on the phone and if he doesn't call, then you got
your answer. Then you know all right. If you want to send me
dms on my social media anytime, you certainly can. The handle everywhere is
at doctor Wendy Walsh. At dr Wendy Walsh. You're listening to doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KFI Am six forty. Just a reminder, I'm always
here every Sunday from seven to nine pm live. You can all so find
me on my social media at doctor Wendy Walsh. And also I have a
wonderful Patreon group a lot of KFI listeners. Every Wednesday night at six thirty.
You just go to patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. I've noticed,
remember I'm a university professor, but in the last few semesters I've added
to my repertoire a simple introduction to Psychology course. I'm at cal State,
Channel Islands. And the cool thing about this particular class is I get students
from every discipline who might just take it because it's an elective, and they're
often I like to call them little chicks coming out of their shells. They
were high school seniors a minute ago. They're beginning college students, the freshmen,
and in the last few semesters, especially post COVID, I am seeing
a higher level of anxiety in students than I've ever seen before. Mostly at
the college level. It's showing up as a social anxiety. They're not talking
to each other. It's not by the time until they get to like third
year, those students I have class discussions that are animated and fun and exciting,
but in first year they look like deer caught in headlights, and I'm
trying so hard to be funny. I guess I'm not funny enough for them,
because they I get a lot of blank stares. But it reminded me
how one of my kids did have anxiety, and she had it as a
child, and when she was a very small child, I had a you
know how they get scared at night, monsters, the dark, whatever it
may be. And I came up with, I don't know where it came
from in my head, this idea that I had some magical mommy dust and
I could sprinkle it around her bed and I would come in with my imaginary
bag and I would pull out magical mommy, dust I would sprinkle it under
the bed, I would sprinkle it in the closet anywhere where those monsters show
up, and this was often enough to help her go to sleep. I
also always told all my kids I never made them sleep in their own beds.
Of course, we started out with the family bed. We were nursing,
and I nursed each of my kids for three years, and then we
transitioned to a toddler bed, and I never said that's it, you're out,
you're banished. You've got to sleep in your own bed for the whole
night. What I said is you have to start out in your own bed.
If you wake up in the night and you're scared or whatever, you
can come on back into my bed and no big deal. Well what happens
when you do that, when there's no pressure to keep them away, is
they do the kind of sleep walk for a few nights, and then they're
like too lazy to do it, and they just stop coming. And that's
how we sleep trained the kids. So but as I said, one of
them struggled with anxiety for a little longer than the other. And it made
me start to think and wonder how many parents or grandparents are dealing with kids
who are showing symptoms of anxiety. If I'm seeing them in college students,
if I experienced with my own kid, we know the mental health crisis that
America has been experiencing since COVID, and obviously it tends to affect the young
more than anybody because they're sponges and they're picking up our feelings. So I
did a little bit of research, and I want to talk about ways that
you can help your child deal with anxiety. And the first thing is to
identify the trigger, like what comes first. You know, there was a
time I don't know why, but my daughter went through this weird phase for
like just a few months where she was afraid to go to school. And
the more I talked to her about it, I found out that there was
another student there who visually was different and it was hard for her. She
was going through some medical stuff, and so we made a plan actually for
how she could cope with it. But it helped us to just talk about
the triggers instead of just saying like, come on, you're fine, go
to school. You went to school before. Nothing's different, right. The
most important thing that I knew to do because I had a little bit of
training was to validate my kids' feelings and empathize with her instead of dismissing telling
her to feel differently. My own parents might have said things like, cheer
up, you're fine, but you know I would say, oh, tell
me more about that, and what does that feel like? Wow? That
sounds really scary, right, So just validate. It's okay to feel that
way, but it's also okay to challenge faulty reasoning, like a therapist might
do. Well, let's talk about you know how often you've heard that monster
show up at the night and have you actually ever seen one? Do you
know they exist? Where did you hear about this? Well, you know
it doesn't happen so much anymore forever, you know. I have to tell
you a funny story. I used to be afraid of burglars when I was
a kid, always in the night, and I was always crawling in my
parents' bed, and then they kicked me out, and then I'd crawl in
my brother's bed and they'd kick me out, and then I'd bring my little
blanket onto the floor of either of their room and sleep on the hardwood.
I was that scared and one time, we were visiting my grandparents on their
farm and I had to go to bed earlier a kid, and I started
to have those feelings again, and I stood at the top. I sat
on the top stair and I yelled down to my parents, who were still
in the kitchen with my grandparents, and I said, Daddy, Daddy,
I'm scared. I'm scared. And he came up and he tucked me into
bed and he said something was so great. He said, Honey, they
don't have burglars on farms. Nobody told you that, Oh, they don't
exist. And honestly, I slept better than I ever had in my life
because he just clarified something for me. Apparently they don't have burglars on farms,
and that generalized into sleeping better once I got home. Right, So,
if you can help your kids challenge their misinformation, then it can help
them get over it also teach them ways to physically relax. I used to
do this hole. My daughter used to call it, do the breath breathing
thing. Mom, do the breathing thing, and we'd do the deep breaths
together. She'd put her head on my heart so I as I would slow
down my heartbeat. She would be able because you functions like a side by
side para nervous system for your kids. So as you calm yourself, they're
able to be a sponge and calm themselves too. But teach them relaxation exercises,
teach them deep breathing right. Also, if there are particular situations that
they're afraid of, rehearse them, role play them. I had a kid
who was just couldn't separate from me at preschool, and so we had a
little meeting with the director of the preschool and we sat down and we let
her take control. Well, mommy's gonna have to leave, and mommy's gonna
feel sad about leaving, and you're gonna feel sad about mommy leaving, and
it's okay for both of you to feel sad. Now, let's talk about
how you would like to say goodbye. How would you like to walk?
And she said, oh, I would like to walk like a turtle,
very slow. Okay, you walk very slow to the door. And then
what how many hugs and kisses? Three hugs, five kisses, Okay,
three hugs, five kisses. And we actually practiced it right there that day,
and then every morning we would do and the teachers took her very seriously
and wrote it down as it's a menu, and she handed the paper to
our instructions to me and her and we would do this every morning, and
she eventually learned to stop screaming, crying for hours, and I learned to
stop sitting outside the school in a fetal position, calling the office, going
to she okay, is she okay? What we do for the love of
our kids. You know what, Mom and dad, Grandma, grandpa,
You guys are doing great. It's the hardest job in the world. Remember
you're not alone in this, and if you do need to reach out,
there is help out there. Get a licensed family therapist to help you walk
through this. In fact, I'm going to try to find an expert producer,
Kayla. We got to find an expert who can be on the show
who just just specializes in child anxiety, because I want to know more and
I think it's a big problem right now in our culture. All right,
And that, my DearS, brings the Doctor Wendy Vall Show to a close.
It is always my pleasure to be with you every Sunday from seven to
nine pm right here on KFI you've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You
can always hear us live on K five a M. Six forty from seven
to nine p m. On Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app