WEBVTT

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This is pod Popular podcast for the
people, The Great Love Debate. It's

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the Great Love Debate, de Great
Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.

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Hi again everyone, It's Brian Howie. Welcome to The Great Love Debate,

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the world's number one dating and relationship
podcast since twenty fifteen. I am

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back here in the very fine studios
of Pod Populi Podcast for the People.

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I am at the one in Las
Vegas. First time recording here. It's

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very fancy. H Lots of what
we talk about on this show and at

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our live shows. And speaking of
our live shows, those who came out

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to our recent tenth anniversary show and
book were tone two things. One,

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thank you to Jesus. What a
mess in South Florida. But anyway,

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what we talk about there and here
a lot is the concept of change.

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We say a lot. You have
to make a change, you have to

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be open to change. You can
only find your answers through change. And

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so nothing I'm going to talk about
today is going to necessarily counter it.

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I'm just going to sprinkle a bit
of caution to it and explain how sometimes

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too much change isn't necessarily the answer
either. So I'm not necessarily big on

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business leadership quotes. Most of them
sound like Tony Robbins because most of them

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probably are Tony Robbins, and props
to Tony. He does a lot of

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good, but much of what he's
saying is rooted in motivation and not necessarily

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in day to day practicality. But
one of the most practical quotes that makes

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the most sense in terms of what
we are talking about is one from John

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Maxwell, who does a lot of
leadership stuff. He says, the pessimist

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complains about the wind, the optimist
expects it to change, and the leader

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adjusts the sales. The pessimist complains
about the wind, the optimist expects it

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to change, and the leader adjusts
the sales. And a lot of what

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we talk about at the Great Love
Debate is related to that philosophy. The

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pessimist men sucks, dating sucks,
Tinder sucks, et cetera, complaining about

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the wind. The optimist, well, if I keep dating, or I

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go on more dates, or I
date more girls, one of them is

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bound to like me back. Eh. Possibly, But the leader who takes

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control of the outcome, I need
to start doing this. Maybe if I

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tried this my approach, this time. Next time will be different. I

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think that mindset is the best course
for success, or at least the smartest

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one to chart. So not to
get all nautical on you, but when

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you chart a course, when you're
a sailing tactician, you have to look

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at both the probability of outcome as
well as the ultimate destination. Where do

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you want to go? Not like
Christopher Columbus, you just headed somewhere and

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you ended up at the wrong place, and you're a hero. Where do

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you want to go? You got
to play the angles. You can't just

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think, well, this isn't getting
me there. I'm just going to go

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that way and see what happens.
So why do I bring all this up?

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I bring this up because I see
a lot of it, and a

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lot of it that I see.
All right, I'm gonna cave. I'm

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going to talk about Taylor Swift for
a second. And we've talked about her

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before on here many times, and
mostly when we do so, it's to

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praise her or to appreciate her realism
and her talent and her honesty. But

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at the time of this recording,
she is dating Travis Kelcey, and you

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either know that if you're listening to
this in early twenty twenty four, or

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you knew it and forgot it because
you're listening to this in twenty twenty six

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and you're like, oh, yeah, that was weird when they dated,

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And why am I not too confident
that this is a long term thing?

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And what does that have to do
with change in making connection? All right?

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Here we go. So Kelsey,
by any reasonable standard, and probably

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by his own admission, is what
I would call the full meathead, beer

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chugging headbudding, hard living whatever you
want to call it. Does he possibly

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probably have a sweet and soft side. I'm sure he does, and I'm

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sure she has seen it. I'm
sure she's attracted to it, but I

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don't think that's his dominant trait.
On the other hand, what she is

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mostly dated to date, as far
as we know, has been a collection

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of essentially harpstrumming poet boys, real
sensitive types who ended up hurting her anyway.

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So she was like, instead of
going for that type again, which,

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if you know us around here,
we absolutely encourage that kind of thinking,

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she probably thought, let me go
for the absolute opposite, let me

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go for the absolute one to eighty
from those guys. Let me go for

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the bigger, stronger, louder,
funnier man. We try that on for

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size and we basically say, hold
on just a second. Isn't that what

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you encourage? Sort of football team
owners? They do this all the time.

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Since we're on the subject of football. They will replace a quote unquote

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players coach who goes easy on them
with a disciplinarian, and then when that

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doesn't work out, they will place
a disciplinarian with someone who doesn't really believe

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in practice. They tend to always
overcorrect to the opposite, which is a

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lot of times what we do in
dating, especially after divorce. Heard a

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woman say I've spent ten years with
the Wall Street executive and that ended badly,

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So now I'm gonna spend ten months
with a wanna be drummer. So

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what she's doing and what a lot
of you are doing, is you're dating

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as a reaction to the past,
without a look to the potential for the

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future. You just want to correct
it right now, a shot and a

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chaser. So why do we do
this? And what about this? If

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anything is necessarily a bad thing,
well I will up pine. This is

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my opinion on just about all of
it. But I gotta take a quick

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break and we will be back right
after this. And we are back and

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we're talking about over correction. Why
do we do this? And what about

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this is necessarily a bad thing.
Lots of it has to do with self

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esteem. The prior relationship probably broke
it. It broke down your confidence.

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It made you doubt yourself, and
that's where your self esteem falls off a

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cliff, and you want to get
as far away from any reminders of the

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last one or a past one as
possible, So you're basically diving into the

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opposite. But for someone like Taylor
Swift, she has to get a little

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bit better perspective on who she is
because I think she's lost that her old

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She's cheer captain and I'm on the
bleachers. She's not on the bleachers anymore.

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She is cheer captain. She is
the cool kid. She doesn't want

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to wear his she doesn't need to
wear his varsity jacket to feel good about

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herself. But she is doing so. And again I don't blame her,

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because she's like, I went for
this, this and this, and it

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didn't work, So let me break
me off some of that. The big

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sweaty brute and that's totally fine and
totally normal, but it probably is short

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term because it's too far of an
overcorrect Those are fun relationship to have when

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you're in bars and restaurants or or
having fun and you're sitting in a luxury

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box with Blake Lively. But then
the season's over and it's just you and

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him sitting around the mansion, and
I think you won't like the socks on

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the floor and the weight bench in
the living room. And this is not

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to disparage him. He probably has
a very nice, sensitive side, but

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his defining characteristic beyond football is too
loudly and frequently declare that he wants to

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fight for his right to party.
And I'm not sure that's the kind of

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lyric that she's looking for in a
man long term, you know, but

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we all do it. You're forty
six years old and you divorce him,

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and now you're out with your twenty
six year old tennis instructor because he makes

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you feel sexy in a way your
husband didn't for a decade. Or the

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dude who got tired of being diminished
or dumped by a series of you know,

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career attorneys and researchers and now he
just wants to try the cute girl

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with an Irish accent who has no
real ambition beyond happy hour, which is

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fine, fine for him, fine
for the Irish girl. But all of

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it is most likely temporary. And
they're all good, and they're all they're

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all healthy as a as a palate
cleanser. But too often I think people

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are miss reading short term fun and
mistaking it mistakenly thinking as long term potential,

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and it rarely does. The overcorrection
eventually needs to revert back to the

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mean, not what you had before, but not necessarily this either. The

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answer is usually somewhere in the middle, two steps to the left, two

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steps to the right. Right there, that's where it's probably going to exist.

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That's who your next mate should be. And a really common exact sample

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of over correction is to revert to
the comfortable. I can't tell you how

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many people I meet or know who
decide to look for and believe that they

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found the answers going way back.
Oh, you wouldn't believe this. I'm

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dating a guy who lived down the
street from me when I was twelve.

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We reconnected after all these years.
I'm usually like, I don't know about

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that. The girl from biology class. She didn't talk to me thirty five

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years ago, but now she's my
girlfriend. And I'm like, well,

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you think because you had that one
thing in common, that that's a good

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place to look. And maybe it
is. And sometimes that works. Just

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this little nugget of familiarity, you
can breed a bushel of comfort and compatibility

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that allows a relationship to flourish that
wouldn't otherwise even get a chance. But

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that'stistical improbability. You can't be breaking
out your ninth grade yearbook and been like,

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I'm gonna pick one of these people
because back then life was simpler.

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It's not gonna work that way,
because you definitely have more recent examples,

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better ones closer to who you are
to try and thread the needle through.

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It might be somebody in your building, might be somebody your last job.

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You shouldn't have to overcorrect thirty five
years to what you believe was a simpler

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time. It's that misty water colored
memories, you know. I often I'm

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accused, not accused. I am
cynical about college reunions. I think it's

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bizarre. I really don't understand people
who build their whole decade calendar, waiting

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searching for the next one. Oh
my god, our thirtieth is coming up

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in twenty twenty eight. I can't
wait. To me, you know,

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I like college, but if I
wanted to get together with someone from college,

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I'll figure out a way to call
them and make a plan. A

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lot of college people that I know
friends of mine. They show up at

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Great Love Debate shows. I'm incredibly
grateful. That doesn't mean we need to

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go back to our school to do
it again. I don't under I never

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understood why that four year period freshman
through senior year at that time. I

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don't understand why that has any more
significance than any other four year period in

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your life. I think I would
enjoy more and probably get more out of

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the social circle I kept from like
twenty eight to thirty two or thirty three

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to thirty seven, instead of seventeen
to twenty one, when I was just

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sort of some fumbling young jackass.
I at least have something in common with,

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you know, thirty four year old
me. I don't think I have

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anything in common with eighteen year old
me. Those versions of me and those

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people I knew, they seem to
have a lot more in common in later

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years with who I have become and
what I want to do then some guy

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who happened to live on the hall
with me sophomore year. But the reason

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people do that is we overcorrect to
the comfort zone, the comfort of that

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where we believe we won't be hurt
and where we believe that things did work

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out when it was just about having
fun. And you can say that,

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and you can try and convince yourself, you know what, life was easier,

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simpler, whatever, then but then
the pendulum swings too far in the

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other direction, and that's not a
realistic direction. And we tell you almost

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every week here to get rid of
the words not my type. We stand

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by that, but it doesn't mean
you go full opposite. It means simply

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that you throw away any preconceived notion
of what you might like. So if

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you're saying I wasn't having any luck
having any luck with this, so I'm

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going to try that, that puts
too much power on this reacting to what

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didn't work out for you. It
should just stop there didn't work out,

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But some people say I had a
short girl, so I'm gonna try a

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tall girl. I've been going out
with smart guys. I'm gonna go out

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dumb guys that is still rooting your
choices and your decision making in the past,

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and you got to get rid of
all of that. The past is

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what's not your type. Just focus
on keeping it simple. Maybe I'll go

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in this direction and see where see
where that leads. No past, no

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future, just the possibilities right in
front of you and all around you.

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And then I think if you can
judge every candidate who's a possibility for your

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time and infections as sort of an
independent candidate, not behold into any preconceived

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notions or ghosts from last year,
I think you get a better shot.

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So you might be like, well, I've heard opposites attract, and you're

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wondering, do opposites attract? Oftentimes
yes, but that means they're opposites of

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you. They're not opposites of your
X. Your X has no place in

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your relationship and you're trying to put
your X in another relationship. If you're

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trying to say that is what that
was, and I want something the opposite

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of that, that's what I need. That's not what you'd need. They're

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the X for a reason. That's
why they call them the X. They

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gotta say see ya. So hopefully
that made sense. There's a lot too

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much overcorrection and what we do we
swing the pendulum way way too far.

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And if we go back to the
boating analogy, you swing the sale out

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way too far. There's a good
chance you're gonna get clocked in the head

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with the boom when it comes back
around when you make the turn. So

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shoot me an email Graveleddebate at gmail
dot com if you've got questions, thoughts,

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comments about that. We have a
listener letter mail bag coming up.

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It's our annual Spring Fling mail bag
that gets you sort of ready for summer

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loven. We do a summer love
and mail bag, but that's down the

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road. Spring Flings will post the
questions that we're going to be dealing with

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on the social media. Follow us
Great Love Debate on all the socials.

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Please like, share, follow,
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of doing this, your reviews still
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as always at The Great Love Debate, we never stop making love.

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To see next time the Great Love
Debate, It's the Great Love to by

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The Great Love to Bay it's the
great love to be