Welcome to you, Softcore History. Welcome back to Softcore History. I'm your
host for the week, Dame Regester, and I am joined as always by
Rob Fox and Jake Goldman. What's up boys, Hello, I'm back baby
nice and tan. Yeah, I was in a sunny place. I was
in the Keys. This place is a sunny place. This place is.
It's fun going from like ninety eight head in next one oh four in the
Keys with like one hundred percent humidity. Yeah, he did in next one
oh eight almost no humidity. It's I just want to kill myself. It
was just like being inside of a toast rubins fucking between your tan, your
facial hair currently with the mustache. Yeah, in your outfit, you kind
of look like Ron McGill. Who's that again, the Miami Zoo guy?
You do? You are all khaki with the ten You do look like you
work in a fucking zoo right now. So it's described to us on YouTube
for Actually that was totally intentional. I kind of love the like Park Ranger
Zoo. It's a great look. Yeah, that's the best uniform. It's
it's so laid back feeling. It's all like light and area invented to for
heat, you know. Crocodile hunter. Yeah, no, I was just
from the land of They have crocodiles and the keys too, by the way.
Saltwater crocks, yeah, these are the deadliest ones. And North American
crocodiles these are actually a little bit more in docile though, okay, because
they're not like South American crocodiles or they're they're in Mexico. Saltwater crocs those
are the ones that and in Central America. Those are the ones that will
rip you to fucking shreds. Like an alligator will kill you by dragging you
under and maybe eat like your hand or something like that. A saltwater croc
will rip you limb from fucking limb. They are the ones you don't want
to do. There was like a story of some kid in Guatemala who was
just playing in a river. He was doing from that start yep. Yeah,
and there born in Guatemala. Yeah, the croc just popped up,
bit his head, rolled, ripped his head right off in front of his
parents and shit. Yeah nice it was. I mean it was like a
seen dark there. Actually thought oter crocs were the ones from the Japanese episode
I did where they're stuck in the swamp in Asia, but they're in there
in um like again for that episode, I wasn't. Yeah, I've taken
a lot of vacation. That would have been a good up for you to
be on. You're taking the most vacation. I'm fine with that. Is
that, Jared? That was bush? Okay? Yeah? Oh oh,
man head right off. Huh. Yeah. Alligators, they guess, are
more of the slow cookers of the animal world. They just take you down,
decompose you, then eat you a little bit at a time, snack
on you. I think they just swallow you a whole. A lot of
times, they'll let you rot. Alligators are so docile that we would just
paddleboard on campus in lakes full of alligators. Yeah, It's really not that
big of a deal during the daytime, especially if they're fed. But one
lady who got eaten by alligator, it was the middle of the day when
she was walking her dog next to the water. It was fucking dumb of
her, wasn't it. She brought bait. Yeah, yeah, and she
was kind of on a decline hill. Yeah, a point, to be
honest with you, gravity, why was she wearing wedges at that age,
you know, I don't know. There was a lot of questions there.
It was weird. It was a weird part of that story. Kind of
a good transition here. Oh yes, great by the way, Patreon though,
yeah, Patreon dot com slash software history two additional episodes every week actually
uploaded. Uh. The first episode of spare Bedroom the day I just why
did you? Really was a little bonus content give them everything, you know,
fuck it? I mean two people have mentioned it just for context for
people, because we mentioned it quite often. I guess we do. It's
a it's a thing we did. Yeah, thing we did in twenty nineteen.
Put out the first episode to day. Also, you get a brand
new episode just like this that we will drop on Wednesday, and then we
have an episode that's either a voicemail episode or watch along on Fridays. Now,
y'all did voicemails this week too? We did? But yeah, okay,
that's some good ones. So again, Patreon dot com slash software History.
We're still lugged into your personal Gmail. Perfect I locked you out to
worry, thank you. Gmail is weird though, we have to locket everyone
out. It's really annoying. It sucks. Yeah, but don't worry.
We did it at a public library. Good. I was kind of hoping
you just did it at the airport. Yeah, yeah, on their WiFi.
Yeah, we just kept looking up why Ted Kauzinski was right. So
you found the auto search already that I like, that wasn't on there.
Yeah, that was just fucking first thing. It's book on a fucking newsletter.
It gets his Gmail every day, the Ted Yeah, it's my Ted
talk manifest talk. The original Ted Talk was pretty spicy. Fuck uh not
memorandum when Yeah he died when I was on vacation. Dude hung himself.
What a down? Oh I didn't really kill himself well allegedly right, yeah,
slick up Steinski didn't kill himself. Lets just make those shirts. Uh
yeah, those will be out by monday. An yeah, yeah, Becaunsky
didn't kill himself. Just get ready for that. That's remaining that it probably
puts behind it literally spoofed the Epstein one. We've already printed Ted k sharts.
Any Yeah, if you want Ted Kosinskimer to checkout software history dot com.
Look for the young are hot the Unity love the blurb on that.
Don't mail in your outfit. Be a blast at the party with this one.
We also have those hoodies as well. Yeah, today we're talking about
an adventurer. Ooh, I like adventures and he's dressed like an adventure Yeah,
so playboyantly an adventure Tell me more specifically, it was obviously this was
like a big thing back in like the twenties and thirties and forties. Yeah,
so show that. Uh you know the most famous adventurer movie Indiana Jones,
and Indiana Jones was based on all sorts of like pulpy cereals from before
that about the same type of adventurer. Yeah, like Scout magazines and stuff
had like these adventure comics and stuff. It's literally it's like listen to the
adventure or like radio plays, listen to the Adventures of Montana Smith. Yeah,
as he fights off like there weren't Nazis yet, because it was literally
the thirties. Yeah, like these are it was from the thirty it was.
Indian Jones is based on stuff from the thirties. So Indiana Jones is
actually based on this dude. I'm about the dude today. Sweet awesome,
I love it. Did you know that Indiana That movie Indiana Jones only came
about because Spielberg wanted to direct a Bond movie and the Bond people were like,
fuck off, Steven Spielberg. And this was post Jaws. That's everything.
That's good. I'm glad they stuck to that. It's like you little
dream making bitch. Yeah, like, shut up, you're two saccharin with.
George Lucas didn't do Indiana Jones. He created it and then Spielberg directed.
Yeah. I don't even think George Lucas wrote it. I think he
just came up with and the story. Yeah, that's it's after the first
Star Wars. He was like, I only do IP. So he's just
like, uh okay, like an alien that's got nine heads, you write
it. That's the golden age of creative right there. Yeah. It's like
I'm the idea. I'm a big picture guy, which is just like here's
a napkin. I wrote a movie ide a million dollars. Yeah, he
gives it to Lawrence Caston and he's like, you write it. Yea better
at this than me. But of course today we're talking about Roy Chapman andrews
Now. Lucas never specifically said that Indiana Jones is based off this man,
but all signs point to it. Okay, our guy was born in Wisconsin
in eighteen eighty four. As a child, he was an avid explorer of
local forest and waterways. So he's a kid. What he's a kid.
Yeah, he's an avid explorer. He's a kid, there's yeah. In
his autobiography Under a Lucky Star, Andrews describes himself like a rabbit, happy
only when he could run outdoors fair enough. I mean, you know,
not every kid was like that. It was like an iron lung kid or
some kid who's got who had the fever for like a hundred years, do
you know what I mean? There's two options. You can either break all
your bones climbing trees in the eighteen eighties, or you could be in an
iron lung as a kid. There's no middle. Well, there's not an
inside kid. Yeah, it's just like a kid that's constantly like the little
kid in the Secret Garden who's just in the bed the entire thing, and
it's like get out. Yeah, I value I'm the rich boy. I'm
calling like, that's who you are. You're either that kid where you're an
adventure it's secret garden. I haven't seen that so long. When he turned
nine, Andrews received a little single barrel shotgun. Well it's about time.
Yeah, And as he grew up, he became a skilled marksman. I
actually a shotgun. Yeah, you can be a marks middle of the shotgun,
dude. I actually got to shoot a youth like intended for like a
ten year old single barrel shotgun when I was shooting clays the other day.
It was amazing. Just hold it one handed, sick. It's like terrifying
because you know it's gonna kick back, but like there's no way to just
get on top of it. It's basically like a sawt off. It's as
short of a barrel as he can get. Yeah. I piped a dude.
I demolished to play with it. It like exploded into a million pieces.
It was awesome. Yeah. He later taught himself taxidermy, use the
skill to earn money for his education at Beloit College. That's a really fucked
up thing to teach yourself. The amount of trial and error you have to
have with dead animals, with small dead animals for taxi, for taxidermy,
Like you don't just get it right on the third try. Yeah, I
doubt you get it right on the tenth to try, right. Yeah,
the amount of fucking squirrels and rabbits and shit that this dude was just gutting.
I mean, the problem was he didn't even realize they had to be
dead at first. He just started. He's like, well, the best
way to yeah, the best way to actually make them look alive is to
begin the process while they are a lot. Yeah, kind of lock in
their terrified faces into a permanent scowl. Well you want the eyes wide,
really wide. Yeah. You can't do that in post. No, yeah,
no, not a lot. You can fix and post with taxidermy,
no more so than a morgue. What do you mean, like, nobody
really cares if you fuck up an animal, true, well yeah, true,
but you fuck up somebody's dead relatives. That's another thing. That's another
thing that's really hard to self teach is a mortician. Yeah, bombing,
Yeah, not easy, dude. I just put a bunch of phantom in
him, Like, I don't know, that'll preserve him, I'll bring back
to life. It's gotta be really good at makeup. Yeah, that's where
all the estian jobs go. I hate that. One of the first thoughts
I had when I went in high school to my friend's funeral who shot herself
in the head was can't even tell? That's actually really good work. Yeah.
I was like, I like literally, I was like, yeah,
wow, I was. I was like, I like walked up and I
was like, I was like, oh my god, nobody and I walked
up and I was like, Okay, that looks like Alexis. She used
like a little twenty two or something. I didn't ask her mom. Yeah,
man, I don't think you fished for details on that. Yeah,
that's such a curb episode. Who did this? Was great? Yeah?
Can I get their card? Yeah? Yeah, I like really, it
really took me out of the moment of out of my sadness because I was
just like, it's like, did she shoot her is fantastic. The day
got worse, don't worry. Yeah, they got much sadder, But that
moment, I was just like, go to the chef. Yeah, compliments.
Sometimes you just gotta tip your cap, even in the worst circumstances.
Yeah. When he was twenty one, Andrews was duck hunting on Wisconsin's Rock
River or Rock River with montagu White, a member of the Lloyd's College English
department. It was a cold March day, and the river had been rising
steadily and held strong with dangerous currents. Andrew m. White's boat was rocked
and they were thrown overboard into the frigid river. Andrews was swept away by
the current and struggled to swim towards shore. He managed to reach a submerged
tree and finally solid ground, but his friend was not so lucky. White,
plagued by muscle cramps, had not made it to the bank despite being
a strong swimmer. This incident made a lasting impact on Andrews and seemed to
set a precedent for his future, both in his additional brushes with death and
his attention to detail for safety in his field work. So um, wait
that he got He fell in the water and immediately it was just like like
cramped up because it was so cold. His buddy did no, That's what
I'm saying. Yeah, the dude who died who got on to him.
Yeah, yeah, dankes that sucks. Not if he didn't do enough ice
bats, it seems like it. Yeah, if he did whim off once,
he'd be fine. Little cold plunge yeah, yeah, breathed totally changed
my life. Do remember morning? Yeah? You'd make a little shop of
the system. That's the key. No, I turned, I turned the
shower as hot as possible, sit on the little bench in my shower and
just slowly tug on my winger and then your dog licks it up. Well
that's later. But yeah, yeah, he's not like they're waiting. It's
just at the glassloor, paw on the Yeah, yeah, yeah, like
midnight expressing Bobby. I believe that's the Patreon episode. Ahead and listen to
that talking about how more context. No, No, Rob's dog just licks
Rob's come that's all you need. Yeah, you can listen to Patreon to
get more explanation. I'm not going to explain to you because you didn't pay
to find out. Yeah, way to fucking spoiler alert it. But they
have to find out how and wow, yeah, there's a whole setup.
After graduating college in nineteen oh six, Andrews hopped on the train in New
York City to pursue another thing he always wanted since he was a boy,
showmanship Broadway the Theater, horse job at the American Museum of Natural History.
Well, yeah, he loves taxidermy. Yeah, which, as I said
this before on the show. But it's so fucked up to me that it
was like people who weren't able to see animals, so just the dead ones
would have to do. If you go to the fucking museum the Teddy,
the one Teddy Rosevelt found their minds. Yeah, it's just shitty, stuffed
dead animals that are like one hundred years old. Like I walked through it
and I was like, this sucks ass, this is the worst. That's
why I kind of buy the freak shows. Yeah, not necessarily that they
were legitimate freaks, but you could fool people very easily. Oh god,
yes, I'm sorry. What do you think TLC is, Like, that's
just freak show network. It is the freak show network. Yeah, it's
like, oh, nineteen kids in counting or whatever, it's a freak show.
Yeah, No one's watching anything slide vagint woman like it's it's just like,
oh, they can join twins at the top, but one body in
the bottom. TLC has no shame, no none, it's dude. Discover
is like one of the largest networks. It's the largest media network. Now.
I genuinely think like porn Hub has more shame than TLC, Like porn
Hub has more ethics than TLC A thousand percent. There's none. Yeah,
there's none. Like TLC is in the in the red on ethics, like
porn Hub is a vacuum, right, it's a zero. Yeah, they're
trying to reduce exploitation, whereas TLC is just it's like eight hundred pounds.
Sisters. I think they just like pay people to date them. Or the
tiny girl that looks like a twelve year old but she's like twenty eight and
it's like that's the whole joke. Yeah, yeah, it's like and she
sounds like a child. Yeah, it's like, bro, but I mean
she deserves love too. I guess like let's go, let's go. We're
gonna you guys are gonna go out to launch and you're gonna kiss on this
patio French really hard like make and we're gonna it's worse than that rob.
They're like, hey, we're gonna go look at dildos. That's gonna be
so uncomfortable for the fucking sex shop worker who probably see so many things.
But it's so many things. But he's like, dude, come on,
can I have some identification, ma'am? Have you seen this episode? There's
commercials that somehow. Oh so they lead they advertise with that part. Oh
god, she basically just like watch a thirteen year o fucking nine year old
shop for dildos. But don't worry, she's actually twenty eight, so you're
fine. Trust us. God, we're loophole TV loophole, the loophole channels
oh Man. When Andrews reached the museum, however, he was told that
there were no jobs available. Refusing to be discouraged, Andrew volunteered to scrub
the museum floors. So he kind of became the good will hunting of the
Natural Museum of or the American Museums. Like a really eleive a squirrel taxidermy
by the chalkboard. Who did this? The janitor did it? This is
perfect. I didn't think we could taxidermy a platypus, but here it is.
Fucking He's the good will hunting of the fucking text demy spot. He's
got some preserved apples. He's like, how do you like them? Apples?
They're perfectly inside? Yeah, very good, Like donate him. They're
full of from aalbi not edible. He was hard to clean and perform basic
assistant duties in the taxidermy department, as well as help the director of the
museum with odd jobs when asked. So, if you know, you know,
some rats got into the ventilation system, he would have to go up
there and poke around, kill him, stuff him, leave him by the
chalkboard. Yeah, here's the system. So you're just the guy's personal assistant
for a while. Basically he was janitor. Yeah, janitor slash personal assistant
to the museum. Yeah. Andrews quickly moved up the ranks and, despite
several better offers throughout his entire career, stayed on with the museum. That's
cool, loyal. Yeah, he hasn't done any Indiana Jones shit yet.
Yeah, so far, you're telling us about a janitor. But I guess
you know Indiana Jones at some point did have to get his doctorate, right,
Yeah, it's doctor Jones. It is doctor Jones. It's like a
young Indiana Jones season where he just gets his doctorate. Yeah, it's really
cool. Happens like it's like you tossed off a boat. Sali's friend die.
So it's the opening to a very boring medical show. Yeah. Yeah.
Andrew's first major interest in the field was marine mammals, specifically whales.
The fascination began went after only being at the museum for seven months, he
and colleague Jim Clark were assigned to retrieve the skeleton of a dead whale from
a long Island beach. That's got a stink. How long was it actually
the skeleton or was it the corpse? The skeletons been cooked or oa.
The director instructed Clark and Andrews retrieve every bone, but never believed they could
because of how quickly the bones of beach whales sink into the sand get a
shovel? Do you did they invent archaeology? That day the fuck? Andrews
and Clark returned to the museum with the entire whale skeleton. Dam what a
what a like? Looks like a great scene from the movie, right like
you'll never get this skeleton. Cut to them triumphantly driving on a flatbed with
the skeleton on the back. Yeah, just like the boys back in town
or no bad company, bad company, you know, in the fucking car
And yeah, that's cool. They guarded it from a storm and retrieved it
from the sand in freezing conditions. The whales bones are still in the Museum's
Department of Mammology, probably what mammologoogy mamology. Andrews took part in many expeditions
in Alaska, Indonesia, China, Japan, and Korea, where he observed
and collected marine mammal specimens. As Andrew's career progressed, his subjects of study
expanded, and he continued to travel the world in search of animals and their
remains. Bone collector. I like, so it's just finding random animals that
are hopefully already dead but probably not. Yeah. I did stop them from
taxidermying them live tiger or whatever. Dude, stop, it's better this way.
You can have the penis. You're your penis, your penis collection.
Yeah, it's fine. Like the fictional Indiana Jones, Andrews found himself with
many brushes of near death as he traveled around the world. In a quote
from his book On the Trail of Ancient Man, Andrews reflects on several of
his nearly lethal experiences from his early career. Here's the quote. In my
first fifteen years of field work, I can remember just ten times when I
had really narrow escapes from death. Two were from drowning in typhoons. One
was when our boat was charged by a wounded whale. Once my wife and
I were nearly eaten by wild dogs, yikes. Once we were in great
danger from fanatical priests. Where were they Northern Ireland? Yeah? Yeah,
Two were close calls when I fell over cliffs. Once was nearly caught by
a huge python. In two I might have been killed by bandits. Okay,
it's amazing to me that only three of the ten were humans. Yeah,
the wild dogs seems like it's their fault. Yeah, the falling over
the cliff definitely fault both times. So that's three right there. Typhoon also
your fault. It's coming, yeah, you know it. They know it's
not a tornado. Okay, Yeah, so two typhoons, that's his.
So we've got what five that are that are him? Right now? He
was wandering around Northern Ireland just as a pope, so that was kind of
weird. They didn't like, I don't think he was in Ireland again.
He was most fanatical based all right, so it's probably like some other religion
yeah well yeah, or he just called like some Muslims priests or something and
they were like what yeah, uh wait, what was the other one.
Oh, I will say the one that's not his fault is uh the whale.
No, dude, you've been hearing about these whales lately. Yeah,
the Orcas. Yeah, just taking out boats. Yeah, apparently they all
got together in San Diego or some shita on the Pacific coast. There's like
thirty of them just talking to each other. It's rampest, dude. There
was one an episode I'm gonna do eventually on a whale who like plagued the
Byzantine Empire for decades. Just one. Yeah, like the moby Dick of
the Byzantine. Literally, he was just he just lived in the harbor and
sunk ships at will. That's awesome. Well, you gotta like people.
Really, it's not funny. It's like, it's kind of funny. It's
pretty funny. It's pretty funny that we build all these boats and we still
can't protect ourselves from these as, like this dumb ass whale. It's like,
No york As, they're starting a war. I don't know that they're
ready for it though, to be honest. Yeah, they've never been nuked.
Actually they probably have once. Yeah, someone was probably there when we
dropped one in the Pacific or French did or something. Who knows what allegiances
they have, Like what if they're working with Russia. They're saudiast they could
be Saudi whales, but they could also be Russian whales. That could be
Russian whales. They have a lot of coastline. The Russians do employ Belugas
and stuff. Yeah, but I think we do too. We like dolphins
and stuff we have in the past year. Well if yeah, we were
doing that whole give dolphins acid thing, not just to learn their thoughts.
That video game Echo Echo based on that whole story. Yeah, we had
well I think we also trained dolphins to like detonate land or sea mines.
Yeah, was that like a one way trip for the dolphins. It might
have been. Yeah, we don't really get into details about that. Our
transgressions might have made community, you know. Yeah, so that that word
got around. Yeah, they're like, don't work with the US, they're
assholes. Right. It's kind of like how like now you know people are
like, uh, what do you call it? You know, people are
just like they want reparations or they're like work. White people are colonizers.
The Orcas are like, hey, you know what I remember hearing about I
read this Atlantic dolphins. Yeah, Jeff got blown up, just grandpa,
fuck dude, Wait wait a minute, yeah yeah, no, this plus
a lot of they're still slaves. Yeah, this is our new Afghanistan,
the ocean. The thing we did back in the day that we thought was
for the good and fighting Russia. Now they're turning on us, and they're
turning it on us. They watched that that Black Fan movie. Yeah,
that's not us. We didn't do that. Oh black Fan. Yeah,
I was thinking of the Cove the Sea World movie. Oh no, no,
no, Cove is not they know. Yeah, so they're like,
this is fertilicum. Yeah, honestly, we're probably their warm up for Japan.
We just like wake up one day in Japan's overrun, like they've triggered
a tsunami, and then Japan's now underwater and orcas and dolphins are just swimming
through, ripping the Japanese people left to shreds. That is true. If
there's one nation, they have beef with more than any. So like the
warm up matters. They also shark fin soup, so the sharks are gonna
be there too, Oh sharks. They all just team up swim through the
Fukushima waters radiate. Yeah, that is the true day of reckoning. And
then we're like, what do we do Japan? And they're just like,
you know what to do like in Starship Troopers, been so shooting. Then
we just have to nuke them again. Just do it again. Comem we
know you got nuke the ocean. We have to nuke the ocean that's now
covering Japan. They're like, dud there die this fall. And then you
just have the radioactive pigs on top of the whales backs. Yeah, and
they climb on top of each other because we know how that is. It's
like the human ladder and World War Z. Yeah, Japan's fucked. Oh
boy, they never stood a chance. Andrews is best known for numerous expeditions
who led in the Gobi Desert during the nineteen twenties or to survey the Central
Asian Plateau and its entirety. Sounds like a lot, collecting fossils, living
animals and rock and vegetation feel samples. I feel like that's a good area
for dinosaur bones probably, oh yeah, yeah, Like I think that's one
of the like fucking sort of what do you just gold mines of whatever for
for dino bones is the Gobi Desert, that whole area it's dry whatever,
it's been relatively untouched, like it's always it's in the it's like in the
middle of a continental plate. It's inhospitable. Yeah, yeah, it's just
know, nothing's there. Well. Henry Fairfield Osborne, director of the Museum,
put his full support behind Andrews, as he hoped the explorer and his
team might find evidence that supported his pet theory that Central Asia was the staging
ground or place of origin of all of Earth's life. Wrong, deeply inaccurate.
Yeah, but good for him, that's what he hoped. Yeah,
instead, why do you why what what there's where's that? What's the water
situation there? I know? Yeah, Instead he came across what you alluded
to, dino dinos. Okay, yeah, So Andrews embarked on his first
expedition in the Gobi Desert in nineteen twenty two. On this trip, Andrews
and his colleague from the museum uncovered several complete skeletons of small dinosaurs, as
well as portions of larger dinosaurs. These were the first dinosaurs ever to be
discovered north of the Himalayan Mountains in Asia. They also recovered preserved insects and
other animal remains, and secured the single largest collection of mammals to come from
Central Asia, including several new species. They got some weight living mammals.
Okay, so dino bones and then living mammals. Wow, they discovered new
species. That's a pretty big get. Tell me more about these petrified insects
they got. I mean, doing a crossover here, no, indeed,
Jurassic suppose Bilberg not quite? That would be great, Like if you just
want to like fully just rape the ip of both, I do just indie
crossover prequel where Indie meets like a young John Hammond. They just test run
it passes along them skuito. Yeah yeah, yeah, just absolutely completely obliterate.
But you get like really old Harrison Ford at the end of the draft,
when you're finally ending Yeah, Jurassic Park, Well, Harrison a canonically
and making another indie movie. Right, it came out, It came out,
and canotically Indie can live kind of like forever? Is he in it?
Yeah? God, it must be going through it because the alien thing.
No, because he drank from the correct right. Oh no, wait,
I'm sorry that gets wiped off because he leaves. He would only live
forever if he stayed in the Yeah, like the guy sitting there. Yeah,
it was like like every time I hear Harrison Ford has done a new
movie, he like breaks his hip and they had to postpone production for six
months. Yeah. Well he always gets in like plane crashes and stuff like
that, just doing his own stunts. Yeah. No, he literally he's
a pilot. He loves flying planes, but he crashes them all the time.
But at least he's good at crashing the planes. Yeah, he's no
Roy Holliday, thank god. No is he good at crushing them or bad
at Yeah? These never pitchers should not fly planes. That should be like
a hard and fast role with any baseball contract. Yeah, fly a plane
anywhere you don't drive a car in the Dominican Republic. Dude, that's that's
second one. I'll get you. It gets it's gotten multiple it'll last decade
pretty much. Any form of transportation. No boats as well. We're gonna
keep you in a hermetically sealed house pretty much. Well, look, I
don't think it's that unreasonable to be like, hey, really, good baseball
player, could you do us the favor of not doing a bunch of cocaine
and driving your speedboat around the ocean near Miami at night. It's not a
good planet, man, I don't know, it's fucking America. I didn't
flee cue, but to not be free. Yeah, do the cocaine.
What's the point of having the money. I like your cute little cocacola that
you're drinking. Thanks, got it from the fridge like an eighthouncer. Remember
one time when we're shooting exact board, my brother said he would go to
HB to buy the beer that we were going to use for them, and
like, for some reason that HB in San Marcos sold a shit ton of
eight ounce bud light cases. But they look exactly the same. They're just
tiny, but they're just like the cases looked the same, though, And
he came back and I was like, you bought a bunch of eight ouncers.
He's like, oh, so sorry, Like, yeah, I am.
I've almost done that multiple times. I don't know why they sell them.
I don't I don't understand the point of them. So there's just one
exact board where we all look like giants. It's the one the episode about
the cheap beer. Oh yeah, yeah, that they got from the Applebee's
no an accident, yeah, or out Yeah, that's right, Applebe's outbid
though. Yeah. Uh So Andrews wanted to dig deep beneath the surface,
so he proposed and led several more expeditions into the desert uh in nineteen twenty
three, he provided some of the most groundbreaking fines of Andrew's career. Arguably
the most scientifically significant of these was the skull of a small mammal no bigger
than a rat, that had lived alongside the dinosaurs. So somebody's uncle,
somebody's daddy. Very few skulls of mammals from this time had been discovered before
this one. Isn't it crazy to think that we, like you literally like
your great great great great great great grandfather at some point like is a rat?
Yeah, the size of a rat? Yeah? Look up, well
basically a rat for all intents and purpose. Yeah, Like at some point
like that's your relative? Do they can't they came out of the water,
right, like the tadpoles? Yeah? I mean well you also you also
fish relatives and like little mollusk relatives. Yeah. When you're thinking about like
what would my ancestors say, they're like, holy shit, he's breathing air.
Whoappe? Actually they'd feel deep shamed of that. It's like breathing air?
What a fucking would be funny if they were supremisses. Yeah, yeah,
you can't even breathe them water. There's just like one like that.
Ain't no ancestor mammalian family of mine? Yeah? What if they were just
actually upset that they they just were like racists the way an eighteenth century person
was like they had They just held the same ideas of race as like someone
from the nineteenth century. Eighteenth century. Yeah, like a mollusk is like
and you're like, what's wrong? And it's like, oh, hanging out
with this Jewish guy? You know what Judy is it is? It's an
abomination. Ah, Like God, damn, I guess that's the way it's
supposed to be. Jesus has a lot of play in the ocean. We
called him beside him, but you know, yeah, it's the same guy,
guy. Everything looks kind of the same, right, one just as
a tried ent one as a cross, it's a little different. What is
a cross? But I tried to hang someone from his calling card here is
where they find a bunch of dinosaur eggs in nineteen twenty three eggs eggs.
Oh, now, did he walk into a fire with them to see if
they would hatch? He did not, idiot, because he would have burned.
You don't know till you try. It was only it was really only
water and gravity and people and animals that were trying to kill him. Fire.
Fire never touched him, And I think that's curious. This was big
for the time, as scientists weren't actually sure how dinosaurs were reproduced. Idiots.
It was assumed that dinosaurs laid eggs because since they were reptiles, but
it had never been confirmed until Andrew's team found the eggs. A total of
twenty five eggs were retrieved during the expedition, and the team thought that the
location of these probably indicated that the spot was a popular breeding ground. Okay,
pond. Further investigation of the first egg site, the skeleton of multiple
small dinosaurs were discovered above the nest, So they were right. So they're
just collecting bones, collecting eggs. This makes national where I guess, worldwide
news, and it kind of pisses Andrews off because like he just becomes the
egg guy. Oh he doesn't want to be that guy. Doesn't wanna be
the eggs, Sayne Andrews. I found eggs. Yeah, yeah, whoa
guy? God, I was also a bone guy. No one cares.
No one cares about the bones. Andrews found that the public was so fascinated
by the eggs that they didn't care about the other discoveries made on the expedition.
So like finding our like the longest ancestors, the mammals, everything,
they really care like that eggs. You know what though, That's how it
always goes in everything. For example, the amount of times I've done something
a video and article whatever, and I'm like, this part is the best
part. But then every commentar, every person who taught me about it is
like, oh, that one part cracked me up. And I was like,
that was the dumbest part of it. We threw that line away,
Yeah that was I didn't think that was good at all. I almost cut
it from the edit. That's true. We were also an egg species.
We like them, faberge eggs, dinosaur eggs. Yeah, maybe we wish
we were born out of eggs. We love them. Yeah, what my
wife would have done to crap out an egg two months into the pregnancy and
just sit on it instead. Are you kidding me? Watching Bravo sitting on
your egg? Yeah? Oh, she would have preferred that. So he
needed more money to mount further expeditions, and while he found support from several
rich backers, it wasn't enough and they actually auctioned off one of the twenty
five eggs. Someone has a dinosaur egg. Not just someone. Oh god,
a university does. Okay, that's sweet. Well university has the egg.
Okay. So Andrews collected five or fifty thousand dollars in public donations in
addition to the winning bid of five thousand dollars for the egg, which was
won by mister Austin Colegate and given to Colgate University as a gift. Um.
Sweet, you guys want to do a national treasure. We're gonna steal
the egg. Steal let's steal the egg? Is the security Colgate can't be
It's not a sophisticated to me. No, where is Colegate. It's in
the northeast, maybe New Hampshire or something like that. I don't know.
Look it up. Look it up. I'm gonna guess it's in New Hampshire.
But listen Toothpaste University keeping that egg out my hands. All right,
it's just in Hamilton, New York. This yeah, that's easy. We're
gonna get this. We're getting this Egg's Colgate Ivy League. No, it
just sounds Ivy League, yeas, Yeah, it kind of sounds more Tory
than Ivy. It sounds ivy League to me. No, it's a nice
school because I so, I grew up in University City. All the schools
are named after universities, and most of them are Ivy League. Well there's
eight and then you throw it and then there's like Colgate and Stanford are also
in there, so I always confuse Colgate Stanford obviously, I know it's it's
just a Colgate grad China. They're stopping in. Well, another one is
Perdue. I don't know how that got in there. Come on, it's
just like a Chico State drive. What the fuck is that doing? They
got a strangle hold on ash knots on the moon, true produdos. They're
the real space you now, you guys, We get them there. They
finished the job. They cross the line. They just fire the rockets.
Yeah, all right, in under a lucky star another book by Andrews,
he recounts many I hate these book names, by the way. Yeah,
it's a very bad book name many dangerous encounters the desert provided. In one
instance, Andrews was on his way back from a supply run when he encountered
some bandits. He was driving down a steep slope when he saw at the
bottom four men with rifles on horseback. I mean, Western China now is
probably a pretty lawless place. I can't imagine then, Like, I don't
even know if the Chinese government extends out that far. No, considering that
they were how long the Chinese Civil War went on for a while, and
then the Western China. China's never really given a hot funk about. West
Western China is kind of like western Texas. Yeah, there's stuff out there,
man, you don't know what it is. It's just there, no
one else. It's also touch in Mongolia, which is another lawless place at
this time. Yeah, but no one. He couldn't turn around on the
rocky slope. Andrews decided his best course of action was to hit the gas.
Yeah, smart horses can't do that, yep. So he went full
speed at the bandits on the horses. The horses went mad with fright.
The bandits tried to reach for the rifles, but found that all their effort
was needed to stay on their horses. Good new, by the way,
If he hit one of those horses, he dead. Oh yeah, you're
a star from the twenties. Yeah, yeah, going downhill full speed.
You want to know what most the worst part of car accidents were back then,
and it was like, really really bad. What's up the glass?
Because back then the glass was glass. Yeah, so you got people fucking
mangled by shattered windshields back in the day, like absolutely, like just it's
just like a tornado of glass just hitting you quickly. Like people got fucked
up in car accidents. You ever see the old pedestrian bag thing that comes
out before you hit somebody, the air bag still hit them. Well,
now it's fun. You're denying them a ride if you don't. Yeah,
the condition is you have to now drive them in that thing to theirs,
all right, which is another chore you have. Yeah. Yeah, so,
um he drove right at them. Bandits ran away. Uh, took
a couple of shots, Um didn't hit them. Another incident in the desert
had Andrews and his team nervous to sleep in their own camp at night,
oh or wild dogs. The team had their camp set up on the high
ground, and on one particularly cold night, a great number of incredibly poisonous
pit vipers slithered up the slope seeking warmth. Because heat rises, as we
know the horde of pit vipers. I also, but does heat rise on
a hill like that? That doesn't seem accurate at all. Yeah, it
was because they had a fire going, and it might have been the fire,
because you don't get warmer the higher up you go, it gets cold
one earth. Yeah, he doesn't rise in that way. Bam. Could
we just prove science wrong, prove someone wrong, prove this guy's story wrong.
Maybe not his story. But I just said heat rises because there was
a call back to you last week. What Gabby said? Heat rises?
Oh with the attic lady. Oh. So. The first to notice was
Norman Lavelle, a motor engineer on his team, who saw one of the
serpents crossing a patch of moonlight into his tent. Lavelle was about to get
out of bed to kill the snake when he thought to look around before putting
his bare feet on the ground. He noticed two snakes coiled around the post
of his bed in the original emersion from under a gasoline box near the head
of his cot. So his thing is just covered in snakes. Very Indiana
Jones. Yeah, this is classic Indie. Lavelle was not the only one
to encounter vipers. Many others found snakes hiding in their shoes and caps among
their rifles. Fortunately, the cold temperature has made the snakes sluggish and slow
to strike. The men killed forty seven snakes in their camp that night.
Good God, I want to know what a slow snake sounds like? A
nay, guess do it? I'm gonna do it. Oh by, I
hate killed, dude. I killed a scorpion the other day in my neighborhood.
And even match like stepping on one of those with a shoe on,
and I'm just like, it's bad when bugs are fine and easy to kill
snakes, Just man, I gotta get like a hatchet shout. And by
the way, the process, the shovel's not gonna work nearly as well as
you think. It's not gonna cut it clean, No, get it a
few times on the shovel. And then also like just stepping on a spider
or something. You never know if it's gonna explode with a hundred baby spiders
either. Yeah, if it's a big end, that's true. That shit
sucks. Everyone came out of the incident unbitten and unscathed, but certainly much
more worry. I wouldn't be sleeping that night. It's like, we're gonna
be kidding, We're gonna stay awake till sunlight. Oh my god, it'd
be horrible. Yeah. Andrews even calls how he was frightened and how he
screamed when he sometime later stepped on something soft and round, to his embarrassment.
In fortune, it was only a coiled rope, so it doesn't matter.
Would immediately be like, isn't Indiana Jones like classically afraid of snakes?
Yep, they can. They mentioned this here. The experience certainly made Andrews
share Indiana jones dislike of snakes. Yeah, certain to sound familiar. Andrews
thought there was still much to be learned in the Gobi Desert, but political
situations in Mongol and China forced him to suspend expeditions after nineteen thirty. Andrews
found that his team was severely restricted in the work they were allowed to and
the data they could record, not to mention the drastically increased levels of physical
danger they faced from bandits and others hostile towards outsiders. It was a bandit
due it's like rob you and kill you. Oh there's a lot of like
grave robbers and tomb robbers back then. Bandit's like it's like I feel like
a robber or a highwayman. You know, they're like, um, they're
almost like freelancers. They work alone type of thing. But a bandit,
it's part of a group, you know, like a bandit's part of a
gang. It's like a marauding group of bandits. Yeah, yeah, bandits
a little more. I was looking into doing Howard Carter who found King Tut's
Tom and he still should we will at some point. But um, they
got everything kind of like clear it out, all the sand and everything for
ten days. Found out a bunch of Americans were coming into the town and
just filled the entire thing with sand again like that, we'll get back to
the we'll redo our work after they leave because they'd steal it. Yeah.
Oh man, Looting antiquities probably was such a big problem. It was such
a big market back then. Oh yeah, don't even back the like the
reason most of the there's nothing in most of tombs is because if they've been
looted for two thousand years, three thousand and four thousand years kind of.
But the twenties is really where when it popped off. It's when it popped
off again. But several times through history people, I mean, I mean
we even discussed in the Egyptian catacombs or whatever, the general generals, like
the foremen were going in and stealing shit every day. Well when they were
making them. Yeah, yeah they were, and they were, and they
threatened to steal more. They're like, you know what if you're not gonna
pay us, fuck you, I'm just gonna take what's in the tomb,
Yeah you dick, which I probably did anyway. Yeah, they probably sure
they did. And they wrote inscribed like curses on the wa Yeah, scare
people off. I bet. I mean that probably did ward off a lot
of idiots back then. Yeah, it's warded off some for sure. Father,
I'm sure we're like, get idiot, what are you talking about?
To take the gold? It's fine, it's fine, cursed, it's just
gold. While this phase of andrews career was over, another was getting ready
to begin. In nineteen thirty four, Andrews became the director of the American
Museum of Natural History and held this post until January first, nineteen forty two,
when he decided to turn the museum over to a younger generation of scientists.
After retirement, Andrews and his wife moved to California. He spent much
of his life writing about his many adventures, and died of a heart attack
in nineteen sixty in his eighties. He died in his eighties. It's good
life. Yeah. It is widely believed that Andrews was the inspiration for doctor
Henry Jones Jr. While George Lucas never cited Andrews or anyone else as a
specific real model for jones character. I mean there was a bunch of pulpiest
there, like I said, like it really was like The Adventurer and the
Tomb of the Pharaohs. Yeah, like always, we need more of that,
agreed. There needs to be more like National Treasure type shit and not
that stupid show they made. Needs to be Nicholas Cage. I think they're
making a third National Treasure. Great and it's not Steve's On. It's the
guy from Hangover. I can't think of his name. Justin something Steve's On
would be a good shoe in the Yeah, yeah, the same diffy justin
Bartha. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, there was a
bunch of stuff like that where it was just like in the the in the
Temple of the Mayans, and like they this adventure and it's always just some
literally Indian Jones, almost like an amalgamation like stereotype of that character. Yeah,
it's vines, quicksand Stubble, which, by the way, back then
in the thirties, Stubble was like that's beat nick shit, dude, it's
yeah, it's like a rough person. Shit, you're clean shaven with a
mustache some shit like that. Yeah. Andrews even consistently wore a ranger hat
and carried a whip on his expedition. Oh come on, oh man,
this just reminded me of this Indiana Jones thing. Um So, when I
went to freshman year orientation at UF this summer before I started, there's a
kid and trapped in a pit of alligators. Yeah, I had to swing
my way out on fine. It was right there by the dorms, you've
done. Um, but no. There's this kid who's in my group of
kids, I guess, and he was wearing one of those hats, and
like, you know, I was just like, this kid's a goober or
whatever. He's a bigger guy, you know. Like, and so we're
going around talking about what major we are on and doing. He's like,
oh, I'm gonna do archaeology, and everyone's like, oh cool. He's
like, I want to be like Indiana Jones. And he held his hat
up and everyone's like, holy shit, this is orientation. This is an
eighteen year old. Yeah, it's like, oh no, so much bad
news for you. It's like, you're so much like college fresh start.
You can be anyone you want to be. Indian day one, you just
kind of were like, no, I'm not getting laid all illega Jones and
the Tomb of No Pussy. That's just your dorm, uddy, It's what
your dick gets buried in your pants. Is the Tomb of No Pussy.
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Tomb of Krusty Jim socks Man. There was a minute, this is an
embarrassing thing where like my mom was taking me shopping for like clothes for college,
you know what I mean, just and it took me to like Old
Navy or something, and uh, and there was like a cool like army
jacket like Charlie Kelly wears on it's always sunny, And I was just like,
should I get that? Should be like army jacket guy, should be
this see. Yeah, well it's not steel like valid, it's like a
Vietnam era fucking it'd be amazing if you could steal that. That thought crossed
my mind, and then I was like, don't do that. It is
weird when you just start doing anything at that age. It's like, am
I this person though? Right? And it's like, no, dude,
you're buying a jack? Is this my identity? Yeah? I'm this guy.
Now It's like everything has to be tied to your identity too. It's
like, oh, decisions are hard. Huh. Yeah, dude, that
was a lot of Greek life though. It's like, I guess I'll wear
boat shoes every day, and yeah, I don't know. I kind of
always wear that ship being on a lake. Sperry's wearing a lot of broken
stocks. Can't say I was wearing boat shoes in Philly, No, probably
not, Probably not. Yeah, I can't imagine. I'm not good for
running away in or fighting. No, unless you're on the deck of a
ship. Yeah. If you find yourself on the deck of a ship you're
holding across that belongs in a museum, you want to be in boat shoes.
Yeah, we're getting that dinosaur egg. It's good. We're coming Colgate
University. We're coming. You've been put on notice. You'll smell us coming
from a stinky boat. It would be I kind of want to try to
steal it, just to see how hilariously easy it is to steal it.
Also, whoever's Colgate's rival, and like, Rowing should be stealing that egg
every year. That would be fun. It's like, poor, poor egg
just falling apart because it keeps getting touched. Oh, actually doesn't Colgate make
the tournament a lot? Uh? I think they do. They make it.
They're always like I just remember the COVID year. They played like four
teams over and over again, like they played fourteen ye like routinely makes the
NC Double a tournament. I think they're part of the Yes. But either
way, I think Axel type. Yeah, they always make the once every
ten years or something. No, I think they make it regularly. It
doesn't matter. It matters to me, none of this. Whoever, their
basketball rival is also steal that fucking egg and play basketball with it. Help
us steal the egg and we'll play basketball with it. Yeah, we'll play
basketball with you. We'll do low hoops so we can dunk the egg.
You get one dunk. Everyone gets to chuck the egg. Hopefully it's petrified.
It's not who is today's Hitler um Unfortunately, unlike in the real Indiana
Jones, it's not Hitler. It's not Hitler. Uh. I don't like
currents swept his friend away cold water. That was actually the basis for Shorty.
What about Yeah? What about his friends overestimation of his swimming abilities?
Yeah? His friends arrogance. I mean, I guess it would. Yeah,
bandits a muscle cramp to go to. You know who today's hitler is?
Whoever said it was warmer on top of a hill? Yeah? Not
the snakes. No, the snakes were just I guess doing something that they
thought there was a fire. No, yeah, they and they could and
they can sense warmth. Yeah right, probably know the tent is warm.
Yeah, yeah, that's probably why they are up there. Whoever said,
whoever came up with that? You are? You? Are you today's hitler?
All I said was heat rises, which is a common phrase. It's
true, but it rises and then cools air rises, warm air rises.
It's not saying warm warm air rises. You just want to You just want
to say that over and over again. We get it. You need to
warm up to how I say warm? Do you say bagel? Bagel?
Okay? Close? You learn anything today? No? I wanted you know.
What I wanted to learn is what the utility of the whip was.
There was none like really whip bandits. Yeah, I guess all right,
cool, they can fucking jog out of whip range and shoot you. Whip
range is short, it's not gun range longer, and whip range just by
a smidge. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think he'd ever go in there
and be like, all right, this is my find. Someone's contesting and
you just whip an egg now that Yeah, you just whip the whip their
hand off the egg, and then they're like, my egg, my egg.
I'm the egg guy. I hate being the egg guy, but I
at least that. That's kind of what I learned today was you got to
accept what you're what makes you pop off. You don't really that actually is
a good lesson. You don't really control. You're a narrative, yeah,
or what you'll be known for. So everyone ever who's like this should be
known for this, or I should be known for that. Fuck off,
other people will, especially if you put yourself out there to be known by
other people, and then you get mad at other people for putting yourself out
there, and then they decide what you're known for. And that's the thing.
Fuck off. That's the thing when like public figures, like especially politicians,
are like, well it's not fair that I'm under this. You did
it yourself. Yeah, or celebrities too, it doesn't matter who you are.
Yeah, it's like, oh, I don't want to be known as
this anymore, or I shouldn't be known as this. I should be known
as that, especially when artists are like that album, I don't even consider
that my first album. That's like, don't even listen to that. Shut
up. When you have that mentality, that's how you rush Game of Thrones
kinda. Yeah, when you get overly important about I'm gonna move on to
the next project. Okay, what if the project's not there because you fucked
this project up? So we got a Star Wars coming up? Fuck Game
of Thrones, fuck this seeing everyone loves this beloved national series. Yeah,
International went bad. They didn't get the thing. Yeah, anyone, I
know. We usually do this on the pitch on who's in the game today?
Humanity, the museum, Yeah, the museum. They got a guy,
they got the goodwill hunting of taxidermists. Yes, I will say that
the child version of this guy is a little bit of a hitler killing an
animals himself. How to tax it dermy? Yeah, that's not it's We're
the world's really lucky that he for somehow had a healthy hobby of killing animals.
Yeah. I don't know if anyone recalls, but there's another famous childhood
Taxidermist. Netflix recently did a show. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's
not known for that either. Yeah, just a quick blip his history.
But yeah, yeah, so he ends up going from Wisconsin to Asia.
There were a lot of Again I mentioned Howard Carter, who will do an
episode on probably later. He discovered King Tut's tomb, and uh, I
was gonna try to do the whole Curse of the Pharaoh and everything, but
kind of seemed like bullshit. Oh you think what is But that's what you
got to do, bunk at all. Yeah, that's the fun part.
It's like they all died of coughing fits. It's like, well, yeah,
they were sitting in a bit of color. Six of them died twenty
years later. Yeah, right, they found King Tut's tube, and then
in nineteen seventy three they died surrounded by their family, just like the prophecy.
Slow, that's gonna be the curse on everything. You're gonna die of
old age. The king boy got him, right, he gets everyone eventually.
That's how death works. Still my favorite thing I think you've ever said.
The show for curses the Gypsies, just like Gaye gay Yeah, it's
just the concept that finner is actually the funniest concept for anything, because it's
like anything or can be funny. Thinner is just like fatter, just get
fatter. That's another good one. That's like if you want to do like
a g rated or you could actually make it r rated, but the Gypsies
just like nicer. So yeah, it's like this. I think the gayer
thing works though for like corporate American Pride muff it does or doesn't it does?
Yeah, it's like our no go raytheon ga they did. There was
a lockeed Martin sign that like they really did that the other day because I
saw it in the meme where it was like my favorite, Oh no,
it's real. The missiles are gay now yeah. Yeah, well it's just
like yeah, it's just like a missile still bombing like you many children,
but it's got like BLM and then a Pride flag on it. Think about
the plane that dropped the nukes. You know, like gay makes connecting dots,
you think connect named after his mom. His mom's name was an old
gay. Yeah. Anyway, thanks for listening to this week's episode. We'll
be back next week. Make sure to check out pittureon dot com. Slash
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