This is Pod Popular podcast for the people, the Great Love Debate. It's
the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.
Hi again, Everyone's Brian Howie. Welcome to the Great Love Debate,
the world's number one dating a relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am in
the very fine studios of Pod Popular. I'm even in the fancier of studio
within the studio of Pod Popular. I'm in what is called the pop pod,
which is very luxurious here in Boca Raton, Florida. And because this
is such a luxurious setup, I am making an exception to one of my
cardinal podcasting rules. And I if you have listened to this show for a
long long time, I would rather sit down on a park bench and talk
to whoever is sitting next to me than do a zoom. I hate doing
zooms. I don't know how people date via zuomes. I will never do
a FaceTime. But I made an exception because this is pretty fancy equipment and
it seems like she's in the same room, and because I know her very
very well. She has been on this podcast many many times, but not
in a long long time. She has been for almost ten years, maybe
more than ten years, more than ten years our lead love guru here at
the Great Love Debate. If you go onto our website and even there's a
little button that says talk to Kimmy. This is Kimmy. Kimmy Seltzer,
the host of the Charisma Quotion and a bunch of other things. Kimmy Seltzer.
Oh my gosh, right, how has it been like ten years?
The Great Love Debate is beyond ten years now. I had my tenth anniversary
show. It is beyond. We were kids. You did like the fourth
or fifth show ever, probably back grown up now with fancy equipment and thanks
for making like an exception. I made an exception for you because I thought
you could handle it. But you were literally on our stage in like twenty
fourteen. That is ten years ago. That's a decade. That's crazy.
A lot has changed. I know, well a little bit. I want
to talk about that, but you did a TV. I want to get
to something relatively topical because it's sort of big picture. I saw you on
television the other day because you're very very famous, since you know me,
fruit of the Brian Howie Tree brings fame and fortune talking about the demise of
the Golden Bachelor's relationship. Now, I am not surprised at any of that,
because none of the Bachelor relationships tend to work out to the point that
there are more happy couples or long lasting relationships that have come out of Dancing
with the Stars that have come out of the Bachelor. Do you know that?
And my theory on that is it is a more intimate get to know
you, trusting sharing day and day out for forty five days or whatever experience
on Dancing with the Stars between either the pro dancer and the pro dancer and
the celebrity, lots of them married or at least had long term relationships.
Then I get you for two hours a day and then I rotate then on
the Bachelor. So I'm never shocked that the Bachelor doesn't work out. But
you said you seem surprised that the old guy didn't who I'm not surprised.
What I was saying is that I think that you know a lot of people,
some people were shocked, some people were not surprised, I think.
But what prevailed, and this is what I was kind of focusing on,
is the confidence and the transformation that transpired for all of those people. You
know, dating later in life has a lot of challenges, as you know,
and I think that their sense of confidence, as I know, I
have no sense challenges. Yeah, but that's a good point you bring up,
because I hear that a lot. Two. Uh, is it harder
to date at how old is he? How old is he? Seventy seventy
two? And then she was like seventy one. If I have I mean
now, I would think that it almost is easier because your pools a little
smaller. You're looking for things that should be easier to find. Companionship,
some degree of compatibility, travel partner. You probably only have to do twenty
years with this person versus if you're twenty three. If you're twenty, no
and a godspeed bachelor. But if you're twenty three, twenty five, thirty.
There are a million factors when choosing a partner, dating all kinds of
things that I think, I'm not sure it's harder. I just think it's
different. It is different. I mean each let's face it, each decade
has its challenges and nuances, right, and depending on where you are in
your relationship life, so to speak, we could speak to each of that,
right, But the truth is is that I think what happens is a
lot of people go out there, like looking for their soulmate or looking for
what they think they want, yet they're not really clear on what they want.
And so like in the news, they asked me, well, what
are some like hard questions that people should ask in those beginning stages. And
my whole thing is, well, first you got to ask yourself the hard
question of what it is you want, because you know, I do these
free breakthrough calls with people and often I'll ask them the golden question of if
you had a magic wand you could wave it in the air, what would
be different? And ninety percent of the people can't really tell me until we
get there. And you know, what they uncover is that most people in
this age bracket want to have fun. They want to feel alive again,
they want to travel, they want a companionship. It's easy to be a
parent a parent, right, It's easy to be a grant grandparent's fun.
Parent's not fun after a while. Yeah, that's a ruly good point,
to be honest. The Bachelor. If you look at that show, it
shows those beginning stages of when people first get to know each other. It's
the courtship stage. So of course everything is fun and flirty and exciting and
adventurous, you know. And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing,
but I think what happens, and to your point about Dancing of the Stars,
there needs to be time. There needs to be pacing so that you
really like get past that three month mark where there's also a little more sexual
chemistry on Dancing with the Stars, which may not be the case on The
Golden Bachelor. My sciatica. That doesn't make you want to jump into bed,
you know, but the body language and how people are connecting through their
body is super powerful. By the way, I agree, it's a very
intimate thing. It is. And you you brought up the people don't know
what they want. You ask people what they don't want. That list is
right there, Oh totally, because they give it way more thought. They
give the negative way more thought, and that affects everything because you're not going
into it with this sort of foundation of positivity. You're not going into here
is what you know, here's what I want, this is what makes me
happy, this is what I need. Whatever people haven't thought about it,
so your partner, your potential partner, they don't know what bull's either trying
to hit you know, yeah, well and to that point, like it's
it's really I don't know. I think it's interesting that when you look at
the things that you want earlier in life. You know a lot of times
you know you're looking for building a family and settling down, and that's where
you are when you're younger, in your twenties. But fast forward to now,
like life happens, right, and I think negotiating people's losses, people's
experience, seriences, everyone's like dealing with different things that it becomes more challenging
navigating that and also finding compatibility within that. So it does take time to
nurture that, to communicate, to really understand if in fact, you are
truly compatible where you are in your life. Do you think, you know,
let's just say fifty is the hump on the other side of fifty.
Are people more wounded or are they processed through the pain and they're more willing
to roll with the punches. Does that make sense? Yes? And yes?
And the reason why both The reason why I say that is it depends
if you've done the work right. It depends if you've really taken a look
at all of this stuff. So, yes, life has happened, there
has been lost. I mean, you can't live this long without having some
kind of loss or experiences that have triggered maybe kind of your future variances with
people. But if you've done the work and you know what those triggers are
and you communicate that effectively with potential partners, that's where it can be really
successful, because yeah, this is the time of your life where it's beautiful,
like you finally get to know yourself. If you have done the work
and you don't have to settle, you have no sense of you know,
well, time is a different thing, right, time to have babies is
no longer there, but maybe time on this earth is getting a little bit
shorter and shorter. So people don't want to waste time. But in efforts
of not wanting to waste time, people end up wasting time because they're vetting
so hard. To your point, they have this laundry list of what they
don't want. But you know what, this is my theory. You know
what's usually on that list. It's all the things that they didn't have or
that they're they're fearful of right because based on their past. So that's why
it's so easy for people to come up with they don't want. But yeah,
like somebody out the courting phase where you're just really like being open and
fun and playful, getting to know each other as you're taking inventory in the
process. Somebody told me the other day, and she might have been right.
She was I think she was in her sixties and she was divorced,
and I think she said that you would think it would be easier to date
for companionship and compatibility, but when you're younger, the spark of other things
and the emotion and the drama can hide a lot of the flaws on the
compatibility. Come and make it work. Where if you're just focused on I'm
an early riser, I like to do this, I like to travel in
this way and whatever that it's actually harder than you think because there isn't anything
to sort of soften those edges and then you're just kind of going off a
checklist. Does that make sense? Yeah, No, I agree with that.
And as you get older, you get more set in your way,
so the flexibility of being accommodating gets tougher. It's like yeah, I don't
want to give up my pillow. I'm sorry. I like this match.
Like these are the things that become important. Oh I know. I mean
that can happened area as you meet somebody and they let the dog sleep in
the bed, and you have to negotiate that, where is my place in
the bed? Where does the dog go? Where is this? That's that's
a lot. Yeah, like this is a big thing. Where as you're
younger, you might be more flexible and kind of grow with each other.
You know, if you've been in your own home, you have your certain
sleeping habits, you're eating habits. Not a lot of people want to bend
Well, back to back to the Golden Bachelor. Wasn't it the thing that
like they didn't even negotiate where they were going to live. Wasn't that a
problem? Well? Was that the excuse? That's the right. I think
that's the problem. That was easy to talk about on air. I'll be
honest. I watched that interview, and yes, that was a factor.
Look, we all think we're going to compromise when we're in that state of
infatuation and in the honeymoon phase, like we overlook some of the tough stuff
or the red flags because we're in the state of euphoria. This happens time
and time again, Like there's no blame here because I think we all have
fallen into that. So I think they might have had like true intentions of
moving to the Carolinas together as they were talking about, and also they talked
about their grandkids, you know, negotiating that and yeah, you're just skipping
so many steps. I forget. Probably we had one of the the Bachelor
or Bachelor winners is that the term the winner the bachelor in the show.
We had a bunch of them, I forget which one, and she said
I was engaged to him, and when the cameras shut off, she's goes,
can I have your number? Like stay, didnton have each other's phone
numbers? And so it was like, how many steps did I skip in
getting to know this person? And that was like a wake up call for
her, like I've never texted them. I don't know any of these things
that you're putting this, you know, television crucible and trying to shake it
up and hope it works out, like it's shocking on the handful of times
it does work out. Yeah, that is so interesting. And true by
the way, and then think about it, they look their best. They're
all dolled up, you know, they have all these adventures that they're going
on. I mean, yeah, you haven't seen him in sweatsmstances, you
haven't seen him in cargo shorts. Spill off to your point, and then
they're back in their sweats, like yeah, they're faced with oh yeah,
who are you again? There's a good chance they never saw the person without
not just makeup, but television makeup. Yeah, wouldn't that be fascinating?
Like I would love to see the behind the scenes. I mean they go
into the fantasy Yeah, they go in the fantasy suite. They are fully
TV made up, so even if a couple of layers come off, they're
still made up. Yeah, yeah, all right, I have a lot
of questions to you that I'm gonna I went back and I looked the last
time you were on the podcast. I had to take a quick break because
we had to pay for some of this fancy equipment. Right here, I
am with Kimmy Seltzer. She is what is it Charisma Quotient is her podcast?
That's still your podcast? It is how many episodes of that years seven
years. All right, you'll catch me eventually, but I take a quick
break. We will be back right after this. And we are back.
So I think the last time you were on the show, we were we
were coming out of the fog of COVID and people were sort of finding their
way back. And I think we did an episode of like what were the
lessons learned? And what has changed? Now? We are, hopefully and
you're in Los Angeles, so who knows if people are still masked twenty four
to seven there? What has changed two years after that you think is different
than two years before? If anything, the biggest thing that I'm hearing is
that everyone is so sick of the apps, so sick of staring at a
screen. People want so badly to meet people irl in real life, yet
no one knows where to go, how to be, and what to do.
So this has been kind of a big thing, Like people are looking
for events, looking to where to go. But here's the thing, even
if there are events and social stuff to do, people like forgot And we
started talking about this way back when people don't even know how to talk to
each other anymore. And the flirting, what's that? And the social atrophy
that has occurred, I think is real, but I think we're again.
Every time we go through cycles, we get into a state of recalibration,
and so I think it's finding that balance. What's kind of cool that came
out of the pandemic too, is that a lot of people did in our
work. I think people are a lot more clear on who they are and
what they want. It's just now like, well, how do I go
after it and not lose myself in the process. Yeah, I think I
agree with you on that. The people that are out there, they did
do some self reflection, they did do the work, and they did realize
two years before we've talked about this before, two years before COVID, there
were a lot of people that were like, I don't need this. I
have my dog and my wine and my Netflix. I don't need the hassle
of sitting across from somebody awkwardly for forty five minutes that I don't know,
Like, I'm not doing that. I'm out. And what the lockdown forced
people to do is see what life looked like without that. And the people
who've come back out positively after it, they're willing to risk maybe this wasn't
perfect maybe there's nervousness or whatever to chase the upside, because the ceiling on
that life that they realized before of just me and my dog and my toys
and whatever, it's not enough. It's not good enough. I need an
actual hug. Well yeah, and that's why it's no wonder that there's an
epidemic right now of loneliness, you know, and that's real. I mean
that the Surgeon General put that article out, and so there's we're getting to
be even more fragmented. I think that's another kind of negative impact that this
has had because we were in a state of isolation. People don't know how
to connect with each other anymore. And so that's why, like I'm so
obsessed about doing more like community based type programs. I mean, I have
online community based programs, and now I have this retreat coming up called Spark
Your Sexy, which you are going to be there, by the way,
just spark their Sexy. Yeah yeah, because everyone's like jonesing to have like
friends and just feel alive again, right, and a lot of people,
you're right, So the demand is there for people to interact, for people
to even network and whatever. The problem is a lot of people have not
use that muscle in a long time, and they're all like me out there,
it just completely introverted. I don't want to talk to anybody. I'm
the worst wedding guest ever because I'm like, just give me more cake.
I don't want to talk to anybody. But so a lot of you remember
during the Great Love Debate, you would make me go talk to everybody.
Trust me. Half of this audience has probably come to one and they're like,
why wouldn't you talk to me? I'm like it shows over folks that
yes I know. I'm like, go talk to Kim. And so people
are like, I want to do this, but either I've lost my kind
of skill in talking to a stranger, or every environment is not set up
to do that because we're so not used to doing that anymore. We just
do not go up to each other at target and start a cup of conversation.
And the people that do you know me, like, I am terrified
that my uber driver will talk to me, and I feel like there's more
like me, which is not good. And then even if you are a
super extroverted person, you're out there trying to find like people who also want
and it's just harder. A lot of us retreated into ourselves during those couple
of years, and it was hard to get back out. Oh yeah,
I mean the introverts were so excited during but they're like, finally the extroverts
get to come into our world, right, and now it's reversed. I
know, I give me a whole world of six foot distancing. It's fantastic.
But if you are one of those people and like, no, I
love talking to strangers, you know, you do have to find those events.
You got to volunteer, you gotta do networking, you gotta play pickleball,
you gotta do all of these things that you might not have. You
didn't have to work so hard before. Just at saying hello. I think
that's where the work. And if you do that front half of that,
just get yourself into a social situation. I think the possibilities are better than
ever. Well yeah, but then once you're there, what do you do,
Especially if you are an introvert, if you are a little in your
head or as I call a left brainer. I mean, I would say
ninety percent of the peeople that I work with, both men and women,
tend to be more on the shy side, introverted side, analytical in their
thinking right. And one of the things that I love teaching and helping people
with is to create a great first impression that closes the gap, because,
as you know, there's this gap between who you are and having other people
get to know who you are because of that like hesitation, right, and
so closing that gap. We're helping people with their body language and you know,
showing up in their clothes again and getting out of the COVID clothes.
I think we're finally out of that, by the way. I think people
are really like excited to dress up again, but also just the flirt skills
and being more playful. This is something I'm so passionate about that I teach
in all my programs. Well, so what do you teach? So do
you had to as somebody who's ah aficionado, you know, and a big
part of your brand is confidence and communication and then style and whatever, did
you have to rethink? I am dealing with a different kind of mindset pool
personalities than I used to and had to kind of rethink how you approached it.
Or you're like, it still works exactly the way I did it before.
It still works exactly the way to the bar. I think maybe there's
some people who are a little more reticent than before. But the truth is,
if you were an introvert before the pandemic, you still an introvert,
right, or you're labeling yourself as that. I remember I was working with
a woman and she was like petrified to go into a social event. And
I you know, this was at one of the retreats that I do,
which you'll experience, by the way. I give everyone an app and they
have a bunch of prompts and they have to go out and do a bunch
of silly things, you know, with strangers, which is terrifying. For
Wait, I'm not doing that. No, I'm not going to make you
do that. You're just gonna make everyone laugh. Okay, I'm a clown.
Yeah, you're the clown. That's a safer place. That's fine.
I'm as much safer as a clown. Right. So anyway, she you
know, very analytical, so much an introvert, very in her head.
She's sixty eight years old, and she's like, Kimmy, I'm not doing
it, Like there's no way, And then I made her put on a
pair of caddiers on top of it, just to make things even hard for
her. And she said, well, I okay, I'm going to do
it because I'm here. And so she goes out and by the way,
she always thought that she wasn't very sexy. She always fell into the friend
zone. And again she had all these things that were going on in her
head. Well after we were dancing and doing all these things, and then
she goes out into the field and does all these prompts. And by the
way, they get videotaped, you know, as they're doing all their things.
We came back and she was glowing, like she almost looked like a
child in the most beautiful way, laughing and smiling, and she's like,
Kimmi, I don't think I felt this way since I was five. I
said, good, good, and she's like, I don't know why this
is so hard. Back home, I said, well it won't be.
Just keep your ears with you and she's like, you know what, I'm
going to do that. And so she went back home and each week she
would go out purposely with her caddiers, just so that she would like purposely
do that to exercise that muscle. And now she's dating up a storm she's
doing great. One thing I have noticed on the plus side, and I'm
gonna take full credit for this, there are fewer if you go out to
a restaurant, you go out to a bar, you just go out.
There are fewer women in all black than used to be. The word about
wearing color has happened. I think it's getting through. I think it's finally
getting through. Do you think that I had something to do with it?
Do you think people are finally wearing No, I think it's me. I'm
like, there's more yellow, there's more red, there's more, and then
you're no, it looks like one of those cool things with multicolored umbrellas,
Like it looks like that scene in Lalla Land where they where they all went
out in different color dresses. Like it doesn't. And maybe because I haven't
been in New York City as much or some of the mopier nightlifetowns, I
do notice that those that are out are trying to be noticed and they're not
all in Oh I'm in black. It looks slimming, Like I think that's
a positive. That's maybe that's a style or a fashion trend, but I
think it's a mindset shift. That is happening, and I will give you
twenty percent credit present. That's more than I thought you'd give me. A
yeah, that's probably. Yeah. I think it is a reflection of how
we're coming out of the dark black period into something that is more colorful.
And as we always talk about, when you wear color, it does lift
your mood and that that also reflects out into the world and you do get
noticed and being just being comfortable being noticed is half the battle, and then
being aware of who's noticing you, right, And so this is a way
of closing the gap. If you can just connect with the world and notice
what's going on around you and putting yourself out there, you will meet people.
But it does take effort, in work and consistence. That is an
excellent point before you can focus on connecting with someone, try to connect with
the world in general, like just try and connect yourself like that's that's a
good mindset to have, Like I'm not trying to find the one, I'm
just trying to be around someone many ones. Yeah, do I have to
tell you this story about the voodoo doll? Do you remember the story at
all? Now? Is this a dating story with the voodoo doll. Okay,
no, okay, So now this is a true story on what you
just said. This woman calls me up and she's like, Kimmy, find
me my soulmate. I said, well, I I I'll help you,
but you know, I'm sure there's gonna be some work along the way.
She's like, no, I've scoured the earth and there are no good men
out there. I have dated everybody this town. I've been on every app
I know everybody. I've been to every bar, and there's just no good
men here. Well, apparently when she's a little uh if you dated every
man, we got to take a look at that. You know, wait
a second. You know. My response was, I said I believe you.
She's like, what I heard that you can help me. I said,
well, I'm not sure I can't. And I said because I believe
that you believe that there are no good men out here, and as long
as you believe that, I can't help you. And she's like, well,
you're my last hope. I said, well, if you're willing to
open your perspective up and start doing some things different, then I'll take you
up on it. And she's like okay, fine. So I said here's
what I want you to do before our first call. I just want you
going to work, take the same route you always do. She lived in
Montreal, by the way, and I want you to just notice who's noticing
you, just like that. And she's like, well, I know,
I said, I know what you told me. Just just do that and
then we'll have our first call. She comes back. She's like, Kimmy,
do you have a voodoo doll? I said no, I don't have
a vood do doll. She's like, I cannot believe what just happened.
Like what happened? She's like, well, I did what you said.
I went out into the world and I'm walking to work and I see this
guy on a bench and he's super hot and he's looking at me, and
so I looked back at him. He's calling me over. Suddenly we're talking.
Suddenly he's asking me out. Kimmy, I already went on a date
with him. That guy ended up being her boyfriend. Well that's a nice
voodoo story. What does that say, right? It wasn't me. I
didn't do anything. It was her opening herself up to a different world.
It's also a world of positivity. One of your I'll say lesser colleagues posted
something online that there was some some algorithm thing that you plug in your basic
information and it would tell you how many people were compatible for you, and
it spit out that one out of a thousand was compatible. And she's like,
how is there any hope if one out of a thousand is compatible?
And I'm like, one there, one, leave your house, there's a
thousand people, there's one, So what do you need? Why would you
care about the nine hundred and nine out our arcmapatable? It means that literally,
every time you around a thousand people, which is pretty much anytime you
go to Walmart, you're this thousand people, there, there's one, and
I go, why I know this? Why do you need more than one?
And that's that's the body of people. If you leave your house,
it's hard to find one out of a thousand when you're trying to get people
to just come to you. But like you said, if you connect with
the world, it's a thousand people all around you every single day, and
there's one that is compatible with you. Why do you need more than that?
But see what you said is so beautiful because that is a positive mindset.
You could say oh there's only one, or you could say yay,
there's one for me. Yeah, I wouldn't think about the time. Mind
rightly. What you say out loud, I know, And this is the
mindset, and it's so so bad, all right. I don't hate to
cut you short, but I got to get on a plane tell everybody how
they can find you, work with you, and visit you in Las Vegas.
And I guess me, yes, you you are going to be there
well first and foremost, Yes, we're doing I'm doing a retreat for women
in Vegas called Spark You're Sexy. It's June twenty first through the twenty third,
and it's all about embracing your femininity, having fun, you know,
working on friendship, flirting, and fashion. Those are the five f's that
lead to the other f. But the thing that is so beautiful is that
I think again, coming out of the Golden Bachelor, there's a sense of
just connection that women need right now because really this is not about you men.
It's about us and how we feel. Because if we're not feeling sexy,
we don't feel confident and how is anyone else going to? So I
am so passionate about this and then you are coming in to do a little
chat to my ladies because you're very funny and have a great perspective. So
if you are interested, just go to ask Kimmy dot com. That's ask
Kimmy dot com with why I E what how are you spelling? Kimmy.
Oh that's a good yes, Okay, I am am why dot com?
Okay, ask I am why dot com? And then and then Seltzer.
So if you go to my site, it's Kimmy Seltzer s E L t
z e R dot com. Mostly fine, yeah, everything, and then
my socials are at Kimmy Seltzer as well, and I do a lot of
workshops. I have one coming up but monthly I do that. And you
can go to Stop Hating Dating dot com. But everything is Stop Hating Dating.
I like that. That's good. Do you like that? And that
you were seven ish years into now? Yeah, what is your podcast called?
It's called The Charisma Quotient. I know I need to have you back.
I don't think I've been on there in five years, so, which
is very sad, time, very funny. All right, thank you,
Kimmy Love. As far as us like share, follow, please review,
not just charisma quotion that you should but this podcast too. After ten years
of doing this, your reviews still mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem.
Shoot us an email, Great Love Debate at gmail dot com if you've got
a question, thought, comment, want to wear Yellow? I'll pass it
along to Kimmy, or you can pass it along to us. We are
doing a listener letter Summer Loving mail bag coming up in a couple of weeks.
That's going to take on our annual tradition unlike any other, the summer
loving angst that comes along with that, because, as always at the Great
Love Debate, we never stop making love. To see you next time.
The Great Love Debate, it's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.
It's a Great Love Debate.