Hello, my friends, is Emily Kaplan. You might know me as Claudia
from the podcast. I've got some great news for you. Do you know
who Christopher John feather Off is. He's the voice of Rick Walterieri's Bill the
Vampire and Bill of the Dead. The news is he's written his very own
audiobook, which he also performs. It's called The Last of the Giant Fire
Lizards. Check out this synopsis. When her nest is destroyed and her forever
mate slaughtered, zephyr Ignitis, the last of an ancient breed of fire breathing
dragons, gathers together a team of sabertoothed panthers, wooly mammoths, and a
crew of howler monkeys, brandishing swords and stolen weapons, all to hunt down
and scorch the evil wizard he did her wrong. You gotta check it out.
Go to www dot Giant Dashlizards dot com for a free sample, and
then pick it up on audible. Conny gather Low Dirty con he did Cain?
Join the Questing is uncharted, Join the Icy bast Six writers face off
by a roll of the dice tale Fight Dirty, leaving nothing behind but fingerprits
and a tall tale stealing, cart breaking fats with plenty of time to kill
sicybasts tisods icy you know the cant be tasty Bastards. Come on and join
it. Diic Faster. Hey, they're a and Devians Junior Adventures and friends.
Welcome back to We're just going at the next episode of the Dicey Bastards.
I'm your host M. K. Gibson and your Dungeon Master, authors
of such books as Villain's Rule, to Beat the Devil and others. But
we're not here for me. We're here for the actual better people that you
actually enjoy, such as Robert Bevan, Rick Walteriery, Drew Hayes, Emily
Kaplan, and Steve Weatherill. How are you all doing? Hey? Good?
Feels like I haven't seen you on for I can't even life. Let's
started the introductions. Mister Bevan, how you doing, sir? Doing all
right? Hello? Friends? Robert Bevin here, author of the Conference and
Creatures series of comedy fantasy novels and short stories. Here I play the role
of jorce the Sorcerer, The sorcerer with the mulcerer. Yea, if by
more you mean more piss ye well, oh that was a great episode,
lots of fists. Ricky Guatemala howne you feel about about that? About all
that piss, It's fantastic anyway. Hey, my name is Rick Well terry
An. I play Oh Feeater. In real life. I write several things,
including Bore War and Tales of the Crypto Hunter, and a whole lot
more. So go check them out. I am enjoying the new covers.
By the way, Good job, sir, Thank you, You're welcome.
Drew Hayes, how are you, sir? Hi? Everybody, I play
Cobert the Expedient, The Master of the Unexpected, Ratituy. In real life,
I write books such as Superpowers, NPCs, Fred, The Vampire Account,
and The Villains Code series. Also Rover Powered, a new young adult
middle grade series of which you can pre order the kindle version right now.
Oh sounds good. I saw the cover for that too. It looks really
cool. Miss KAPLI speak of new stuff and Arsenic. How are you doing?
I'm great Emily Kaplan Here I write under the name e M. Kaplan.
I'm playing Claudia the Rogue today and I have recently gotten a book released,
Arsenic and Alibis, which is a cozy ish mystery set in North Carolina.
Rabbit, I definitely will not to be fair. Do you have a
PO box for all the fans to send you skinned koalas well? I used
to, and oddly enough I used to get sex toys in it, so
I shut it down UFTA. Well, okay that I feel very awkward saying
that. Steeve help me out here. PO boxes are only for koala skins.
People. You need to respect that. Yeah, my name's Steve Weverl
And you want to send me sex toys, go ahead? How don't give
a fuck? And I write such books as The Doomsday Janney's were fastaff books,
and I play Stanton dab Deliver. Maybe the leader of this group,
maybe being controlled by a more intelligent rat. We'll see awesome, all right,
where were we? Hello? Friends? Connie? Here, Stan's conscience
talking to you once again? How are you? If you tuned in last
time, you saw will buffoonery of the highest order, you saw people in
a bed, and then much like Charlie and the Shoonta factory, then what
do they do skin the koala? That was disgusting on all accounts. I
am little repulsed by that. After that mister Carberret talked to some rats and
got a warned that the popo was coming. Thanks to quick thinking again by
the NPC's one's compara to go and go get the friends to get the fuck
out of dodge. Caber Ran upstairs actually used quite a brilliance to thunderclap to
stop the horse from hoaring and called out to the idiots to escape. Quick
thinking Standaneliver summoned all the Johns by telling them your wife is here and all
the what do we decided was a chlamydia of John's fled through the front door,
therefore making an amazing smoke screen to diversion for them to escape down to
the escape patch. After some rather interesting tumbles and rolls to see whether they
could or couldn't get over a five foot banister, we are all now down
in the basement, covered in piss, ready to dive into the watchery unknown.
Let's see what they're doing. I don't want another Charlie in the Chocolate
Factory remake, but if there is one, Grandpa Bucket better skin a koala.
If Babby sat a whole house, Okay, I mean if we saw
Grandpa Bucket is quietly skinning a koala. Then suddenly him going with Charlie to
the chocolate factory becomes like two psychopaths squaring off against each other. Before you
begin to this game, you've got a great I thing because like, okay,
now picture the scene fade in Grandpa Bucket telling Charlie a story about how
he used to work with at the factory while he's skinning a koala. I
worked for Willy Wonka once. Yeah. But here's the thing. You get
an extra dimension to it. You know, the golden ticket is Jocer.
I can just imagine like he's skinning a Koalad's like, yeah, I used
to work for Willy Wonka, and Charlie's like, why did he fire you?
And He's like, Charlie, you know you fuck? I am skinning
a koala in front of you. Now we're also missing the low hanging fruit,
like no Jorser is Willy Wonka. Hello, Welcome to my wondrous factory.
Instead of doing the tumble like like like Gene Wilder, he just exposes
himself to children. So five sticky tickets, Welcome to my chocolate factory.
By the sticky tickets on my body like somebody's thinking I've got a golden ticket.
But it's like in Tears only inside the special cream filled Jorcerer dolls,
the slogan has just eat my cream cream living. Would you like that you
are everlasting gob stopper? Oh nobody? Oh wow wow, I just got
to cease and desist from the dollar state. Give it if you just want
to cool the episode here, I'm fine. Somebody wakes up, dude,
it's hard to DM and I'm this erect okay, stand down delivery. You
discovered that there was a tunnel at the bottom of this one of the escape
ponds down there an old dwarf and tunnel, So uh you related this to
your friends? What is the order of people are going into the water?
Well? I was again spurred on by the rat and not to be close
to two of my pie that covered didn't even piss or blood. I want
to be ahead of the post because like there's a logistical reason for this.
If you'll swim behind one of those, you ain't gonna see ship but or
it's gonna really sting your eyes. But I also wanted to get the fifty
foot rope from my pack and okay, trailed that out behind me. Okay,
So I don't know what Drew is doing with his shape change. So
you are you are fishing out your rope, moog, what are you doing?
Because I think I think I know what Cobert Cobert You're gonna because I'm
gonna swim speed. What's hit the water? I hopped off Stan last episode
once he was down the ladder, yep. And so I as soon as
I'm gonna be shifting my wild shape pretty much. Okay, So I'm gonna
pop out of rat form back to cabert form yep. Uh and uh then
I'm once once the others are down, I'm gonna shape shift into a crocodile.
Okay and okay, cool? How many ship how many wild shapes do
you get per day at this level? Two per long rest? All right,
we get any warning that he's gonna do that, this is your last
wild shape for the day. So there's a crocodile. I could try to
grab one real fast, but we'll just say compare the crocodile. We can
all just remember I'm a crocodile. All right. Uh moo, you are
next by the water. What do you plan on doing? Just gonna go
and swimming lass is, or you gonna help him with rope? What's a
plan? I mean, yeah, I'll help. I'll help them with the
rope. Then by that, I mean I'll grab on to the rope because
I have no idea where this tunnel is. Okay, Claudie, what are
you doing? Oh wait, I'm next? Or is or I'm just because
I'm just. I'm literally just looking at up the line of people who's standing
around like so, I'm just, I'm just I want to know what you
guys are doing, because you're ready to dive into the water. I feel
maybe I should explain the rope thing. I didn't think I had to.
But but like, everybody keep hold of the rope. But I'm not gonna
drag you because I'm a fray level man. Just everybody swim, but the
rope is our guide. Okay, don't pull on the rope, you'll kill
us. All I shall bring up the rear. Okay, I'll go next.
Say that and geors, you're bringing up the rear. Fantastic? All
right? To keep to keep myself able to swim as well as possible,
I would like to tie the other end of the rope around my wonder,
got it? Okay, so you have a rope attached to your junk right
around to the gem uh thee a gem of mark food that's around your at
the base of your of your of your wonder fantastic, all right, this
will be We are a classy fucking bunch. All right, So who's first
in order? You were going independent, Coubert, because you're a crocodile.
Correct, Uh, yes, okay, I'm gonna put you over here.
Uh so it's Stan, I just because it'll be Stan, mug and Georgia
for the sake of the map, and put you on the next. Okay,
Well Stan realized that Cabert has turned into a crocodile, and there's not
just suddenly a crocodile, of course. Yeah, ok there's a whole process
of me turning Bat out of a rat form and then into a crocodile.
Well we can sort of, we can put two and two together here and
stand will probably give the front of Doro to Kebat to Helberm and his jewels.
He's going to he's going to be the superior swimmer, right all right?
Yeah, he probably is. I I have a swim speed, so
yes, yes, all right, Uh, this things mechanics are gonna be
a little weird here in a moment. So now reminder a fifth edition rules
you can have. You can hold your breath for one minute, plus an
additional minute for your for your constitution modifier. So if like again, if
you're if you have a plus two to your constitution modifier means you have a
total three minutes of holding your breath. You can cast a spell. But
if you do that, that gives up one minute of your air. Okay,
okay, go ahead and let you know front Gibbe. Crocodiles have a
special ability to hold their breath for fifteen minutes. Oh that's fantastic. Well,
I know you you're good, and Claudia doesn't need to breathe. I'm
talking about the three mortals over here. I don't have a constitution modifier,
so you one minute one minute? Okay, now, well doesn't level into
effect there? No, Oh wow, that's crazy. I guess that makes
sense though. That's a factory wrapped the ripe around his wrist. Okay,
now, additionally, Stan, while you were down there, give me a
Okay, I'm not trying to cheat, but I'm trying to be honest,
and you try to be smart about this, because what stands intelligence? His
base intelligence is plus two. Okay, so you're fourteen then yes, okay,
that's, you know, technically a genius move house. What's his intelligence?
Intelligence is where my fucking mousepoinner go higher than my intelligence? Probably his
intelligence is thirteen. Okay, cool. You both of you were down there,
you were you were both down there. You both realized it was dark
and there's no light. So you two can see in the dark to a
degree because of your low light vision. Because your half elves Cobert, you
guys all yeah, full of sorry cat dame, I keep yes, your
full elf Claudia, the half. There's one member of your party. I'm
pretty sure it's mostly human and squishy, so but he's also the one who's
got his dick tight to the run, right, I will say to move
like I inspect. Your eyes are a little a little bit sharper than mine.
Perhaps you should go in front of me, because because I'm not old
in decrupit well yes, fuck fuck you, but yes, this is the
order, and you will see on the map. Now you will be able
to see the map. You will just not be able to uh uh,
pretend that you have no sight. Now, when you see certain parts of
the map, you will notice there are little blue crackles of what appears to
be electricity. I'll also say to Claudia, I understand that maybe you should
go in front of me, But also Josher has that rope tight to his
penis, so that's your problem. Now. I did not make this blocking
terrain, but you will figure out very easily and very quickly where you can
and cannot go once you okay, so you dive down, You'll hold your
breath. We're all good for the moment you swim through. You swim through
the hole, and it is like you swim down down ten feet and you
find this hole in the rock, and like you started working your way through,
and after a couple of feet it opens up to this pathway and there's
a bit of a current and it's kind of pulling people in different directions.
So I will require certain athletics roles from time to time. And you'll see
in a second, but yes, there are little sparkles of light coming from
deeper inside the tunnel. Okay, all right now, I'm so fucked now,
so I guess this just ends with us to now for those who may
or may not realize it yet. Did Gibby recreate the underwater ninja turtle level
from the intended from the unintended days? Yes, he did, super he
did some purpose. It's just a regular corpse that would have been a great
detail. Not gonna lie. This is probably right violation. No, they're
legally like there they are. They are kung fu reptiles. They are legally
distinct, and so yeah, exactly now that song though legally distinct turtles.
They gotta change it a little bit like like you gotta, you gotta you
got a vanilla issis thing. Adolescent kung fu tortoises exactly, teenage mutant.
Please don't see us, kabert your first return order. What's your swim speed?
Thirty feet? All right, so move yourself up thirty feet all right?
Okay. Now, now while you were pulling that, you notice that
there is a current, so as you, I will say, right out
here, because you're a crocodile, there is a current trying to pull you
either left or right into electricity. It is a I'll give you with athletics,
or give me athletics or acrobatics. Roll your call with advantage because you're
because you're a crocodile DC ten, All right, I think I will do
athletics. Just give me one sec to figure out what the modifier on that's
going to because the crocodisle has a different strength. Yes, okay, there
we go. Okay, so it'll be mine. So just this will be
one higher than whatever I roll got. Oh, let me add in the
advantage. Roll with advantage. Okay, we're gonna do athletics. Yep,
sixteen, perfect, seventeen, Yeah, perfectly fine. You swim like I
said, I moved up, So that was your thirty feet I think was
right there. So five ten, fifteen, twenty twenty, yep, thirty
feet. You get past the first hurdle, not a problem. Uh move
the route. Are you hanging onto the rope? What are you doing?
Okay, so you go up. He's your actual movement is fifteen because you're
under water and swimming. That takes you five ten fifteen. Now he's pulling
you right behind him on the rope. So but there is still a current.
So I need an athletics roll or acrobatics your choice to see DC ten
to see if you get pulled into the electrified kelp. All right, fourteen
you're fine, so you're still right behind him. Stan again, you have
fifteen feet five ten fifteen according to the again, if you want to make
be right behind him, give me an athletics or acrobatics roll same thing DC
ten. Okay, here we go. I'm shit at both of these things.
All right, great, you were fantastic, buddy, Well done.
You hang out a twenty right behind five. Claudia just is walking. You
don't even need to hang onto the rope because it's you don't swim, you
know you are just if you want to, Gibby, do I notice any
of this is any of this cyopid wits to make it war forged? And
I didn't know Claudia has just like again you think back on it. You've
never seen Claudia eat. You've never even seen Claudia take a deep breath.
You and Claudia is literally standing underwater looking Claudia describe house Claudia looking, well,
yeah, she's standing there. She actually, you know what, she
remembered that she had armor studied armor in her bag, so she's like still
adjusting it. She's gotting on now. In all fairness, we met Claudia.
We had a horror fight and then she started skipting a koala, which
of us is trying noticing her breathe right, yeah, I think at this
point everyone's just trying not to make eye contact so they don't become tomorrow's koala.
Right, all right, So Claudia, if you want to hang on
to the rope and be right behind him like them, give me an athletics
roll. Yeah, I'll do that. You're fine, barely, but fine
barely five ten, fifteen, jeorcer, you are being tugged by the dangle,
so give me that athletic You're not actually you're fine for the moment.
You're not actually in the electrified helps you get pulled along. It just doesn't
feel good. Okay, uh Drew, give you now. You can double
move if you want. That's a thing. There's really no reason I wouldn't,
knowing that the others are short on oxygen. Yes, so give me
sixty feet. But show me the path that you're using, because if you
go straight up, you are right in the middle of that electricity. So
ah, gotcha. Okay, here I will I will do the Q path
and then let me know yep, when we get to the end. If
we hit the issue, not a problem. Okay, is that clean?
Or would that have me? That'sright? Nope, you're totally fine. There.
That's the that's so, that's your movement, and you use your action,
you can move into another thirty feet. Oh okay. I was honestly
thinking, why don't we just resolve these in thirty roll increments since everybody's gonna
have to be dragged behind me anyway. Yeah, but you can, you
can tug them along. It's just going to make it more difficult for them.
I didn't know if you want it to or not. No, I'll
go I'll go slow enough that they're having an easier time keeping control sounds.
That's a smart plan, sir. All right, what I ten fifteen and
to be right behind him moog like before give me an athletics roll to like
to avoid the electra the avoid the electrified kilp or acrobatics, all right,
because you were swimming, so move f twenty three you move? You are
just fine? Stand five ten fifteen. Uh, I have a bad thing.
You're going to be right here if you make it, so give me,
ah, give me an athletics or acrobatics. Otherwise you're gonna be right
in that thirteen. Fine, this is going a lot better than the first
swimming adventure we had at the beginning. This isn't even close to oversee you.
You're I'm horribly jinxing. Alright, as long as nothing happened to the
crocodile sudden knife to the head. Claudia, you're up. So you got
your five ten fifteen walking You're you're tugged along and actually you're fine because the
way this had worked out, you're right behind and Jorcerer, you are five
ten. Okay, will you hit here, Jorserer, give me an athletics
or acrobatics roll all right, here it comes. You're fine, and then
the rest of you are tugged the rest of the way. So hey,
round two. Everybody's perfectly fine. You know. Credit to Jorser for as
crazy as the dick thing is, he's the only one of us who doesn't
have to be conscious to make it out of here. Yeah, all right,
all right, I will take my next round of thirty. Yes,
he's just tugging along like some sort of horrible sexual blood just he's just cheeks
a wide, gives you the thumbs up, dick up. You know,
well, hang on, hang on if he goes unconscious. Is he like,
is the entire person flaccid? Like? Could we get the jewels off?
Uh? I'm gonna put out here that jewelstra has a special ability that
he remains hard for at least twelve hours after death. Oh yeah, he's
it's he's the king of prior prison of the fact that he's the reason they
have the warning labels on those booner pills. It's this origin story. He
fell into a viager. It's a baby. It's like asterisks, but more
cock. He got all the blue juice at once, and he thought they
were like Flinstone vitamins. All right, give me athletics or rockrobatics, roll
to get around this particular because this little edge this is this is a little
dangerous one. So let's see how you do. Six All right, moog
uh, you get shocked by the electrified kelp as you're being as you come
around, you're going to take let me see you take eight lightning damage.
Oh well, it's just a D eight. So yeah, that's that's still
a hot potato. It is a hot potato. Now, lightning help.
Now give me a Constitution's saving role DC twelve to see if you lose any
of your air constitution saving you kept your air. It hurt like shit,
but you you powered on through. So so five, ten, fifteen,
and same thing for you. Stan, give me an athletics role or acrobatics
dodge the lightning role. Eighteen. You're fine, You got buys. Stan
will look back and you'll see Claudia casually walking along the riverbed waving at him
as George Rohage is being pulled along by his cock ye like a weird ninja
ta or blimp. And this is what Standiel, This is what your life
has become. Do you realize this? You are run from the law and
there's a bloody koala path this God all right, Claudia voice in the head.
I hope this is not what flashes before my eyes when I die.
Please on the upside. At least we'll be clean of viscera by the time
we get out of it. This is also true, Claudia. Give me
that physically, spiritually, escially your soiled Give me that roll. Claudia,
You're fine, and jorceerer, come on, stop moaning, all right.
It says a lot that I was hanging out with rats who were eating garbage,
and I had the less disturbing opening natural one. Okay, being swung
by his dick, he swings around, He's like, oh no, and
he like tries to move his hands a little bit and he hits the lightning,
so, uh, it's a d eight. Does he get the little
Ninja turtle shock animation? Okay, gorcer, you take eight lightning damage.
Well, I'm down to to roll, not to come. Actually, I
want to constitutions. Yeah, you know it. Give me two constitutions saving
throws. The first one to see if you lose your one, the one
thing of air you actually have, all right, saw it up? Yep,
you're fine. You do not lose your air. But too, I
want to see if you you've uh does the electricity charge you up in?
Like did you finish on Claudia? You failed the constitution saving throw, So
do with that as you will. He's like a squid defending itself. I'm
gonna go with the failure means I ejaculated that way, you know, either
way I am a winner. Yes, uh don't. If we're going upstream,
that's just going right back on him, just the piss all over again.
The problem is the current's going like from the tunnel like towards the entryway.
So that's what's kind of pulling you along. So it goes past quality
of past, stand past move. Everybody gets like like right eyelight and pas
cobarts it as it trickles all the way down the path. If anything,
it lights it up. So again this is Jorger can't see. Remember,
it's pitch black for him because no other than the lightning crackles, because no
one created a light spell. So he just somehow we were so careful we
said that it lights it up. Does that imply the jizz is electrified and
gloves I've met the lightning, but you know the lightning serving is a uv
lap that somehow it's unload had become electro. It's not franking jizz, No
jail. He's a wizard. I don't know what happens if you make a
wizard come with light. We were so goddamn careful about the order, the
swim order. It's like some kind of early nighties music video. We still
got a long way to go, people, Let's do this. Okay.
Now you look ahead, Cobert, and it looks like this particular path you
have you can double move. So you look it looks safer once you get
pass this first either because you're you can hug this wall and you don't see
any lightning for for a while, so you can probably double move this one,
all right, and I will still taking care mark my movements for safety.
Yes, Uh, let me know. On that final one, Gibby,
it looks like a half and half, so I'm not sure if I
can legally occupy it or not. I'll allow it. You're hugging the wall,
so no, perfectly fine with me. And because he was so careful,
every one of you gets tugged along just fine. I don't know about
fine kivvy. None of this is fine. Yeah, I'm not sure about
the word dug Are you kidding? This is it for me as a DM
everything I wanted, everything I wanted? All right, Cobert, Now this
gets old treacherous. You're up, all right. I'm going back to one
move per round because this looks like it's a tight squeeze. Yeah it is,
and not the kind that just got geors er. All right, all
right, move five, ten, fifteen safely to get the last bit.
Uh give me that athletics or acrobatics because they're swimming against the current. I
mean it's it's going one way. It's kind of you understand, Wait are
we swimming? You're with the current, but like, but the waters flows
around, so it's smoothing these so it kind of pushes down like it's like
when it's a hydrodynamic, So it's pushing down. Yeah, the current could
potentially slammers into the elective foot, yes, yes, yeah, so that's
why we are swimming against the pool. So athletics are acrobatics, and we
will see what happens to moog. All right, it's a ten, exactly
what you needed, all right, Stan, five ten, let me see
five ten fifteen? Yep, give me that roll ooh Staniel, goodness,
natural one in your eye? All right? Roll a D eight A seven
take seven lightning damage. Oh no, help is rolling? Uh very well?
Yes, give me a constitution saving through a DC twelve. Okay,
the constitution is not one of his strong points. And here we go naturally
all right, because it's a natural one. How much? How muchy?
So you have your initial first minut would you guys are technically still on because
it's like every ten rounds is one minute, so you're on round like five.
Now you're good, But how much. How much air do stand actually
have? What's his total? Uh? He's just has to one minute standard.
He's got no constitution BYI fi. Okay, you scream and you have
the last bit of thirty seconds in year, and that's it. You are
actually borderline drowning. So you scream pain the fact that I wrapped the riper
around my wrist. Is that doing it? Oh? No, no,
yeah, it's it's it's you're still being tugged along. That's fine, you
know you were smart enough to do that, but you have now lost all
your air and are gonna slowly start suffocating. You're gonna start taking damage each
round this point forward. Okay, I can but hope that the two freaks
behind me know well they just well one of them can see, one of
them cannot. So Claudia, give me a perception check, okay, natural
twenty Yes, perform excellent. Yeah, well it's performance I needed yet perception.
Sorry, stop sucking s so uh much like in the Turtles video game,
you watched you saw his you saw stands like skeleton and outline and like,
and his eyes have gone like kind of glassy. He is, uh,
he's not looking good. He all the bubbles came out, and that's
it. Shit, Claudia will yell at Jorsier, hurry up. Your husband
just slipped. I am going to be lucky to live long enough to drown.
Oh that's some real shit right there. All right, so Claudia,
you you walk your way. Now, give me a give me a I'm
reading the thing right now, starting this turn instrups. Okay, wow,
okay, yeah, this is this is I'm okay, this will be rough.
I'm I have a slate, modified rule. I'm a little nice on
the actual rules. So thank god for that. All right, Claude gave
me athletics or acrobatics roll to get around this Zappi corner. You're fine.
You come around, and Stan is pretty much unconscious. He is if you
help him the rest of the way. He has a shot, but I
don't know. Jorser five ten fifteen and same as before, five ten fifteen,
give me the give me the role. Oh here we go fourteen.
You're fine, all right, Corbert, all right, I can't really look
behind me, so my only option is forward. Yeah, this is this
is round five. I believe so makes sense, buddy. That does get
you awfully close to the the I mean, yeah, give you a dick
a little bit. I made this, this one. This one's difficulty goes
up to a twelve. So, uh, did you work copying the most
notoriously ship level in video game history. It's an homage. It's an homage.
You know it's happened to diffuse a bomb yet, So I'm not gonna
provoke GiB me tonally? Oh I did I even got the light? Oh?
I had so much fun making this one. You're gonna skip over my
whorehouse? Will you fuck you? I'll spend all of god damn me on
this map. Give me I'm still gonna add out this entire map sequences just
a picture of my middle figure. Alright, let me let me ask,
did I do I notice that there's a trouble going on behind me? Give
me a perception check, a check to notice does he also have to do
another check to see if he cares? Well? That's on, that's on,
moved again. You do notice that stand stand andy liver has gone more
than a little limp. So so this I don't think there's a mechanism for
this, but I have two minutes of air yep, and I possibly breathe
some of it into stands mouths mouse so much. You know what, just
just for the record, stands a half olf. So I'm going to try
to breathe into the into the half of him. That's not help, all
right. So before you so before I was about to say, here is
the beginning of their redemption arc. But you you shut that down quickly,
my friend, I will totally allow this. So you grab stand, pinch
his nose, and mouth the mouth. So give Now we're gonna find out
how much air you send over like, so I would like a wisdom check
to see you are aware of because it's not pure interer like, this is
a gut feeling. So you are doing just a straight wisdom role to see
how much of your air you give him? Five? Five? Uh?
You give how much air did you have? Total? I had two minutes
worth? Uh? So yeah, you're so just you only have a plus
one of your constitution one okay, So yeah you gave him that full minute
and then some, so you've all thirty seconds of your own air left.
So you kissed, I said, you know what, give me a performance
roll. How well did you kiss him? I just I blew him like
a like I want to see a performance role. Yes, yes, yes,
performance nine below average. You know, but you say if you're you
know, I don't know if you're on de mand on man's move, trying
to save him, not make him fall in love with him. Okay,
so you get you get your you do that. So Stan you've got you've
got a little bit of like you've got a little bit of air left back
and ye it ain't great. It's very carbon dioxide, but you know what,
it's better than none. So uh mood. You're right between them.
Now give me that athletics rack, robatics, roll, you're fine, get
you squeezed right. I'm trying to get the hell away from him because you
know you made it wrong. I stand you have, you've got a little
life. Breathe back into you what you got? Okay, acrobatics here we
go, do roll anything else? All right? So again own this time?
Another seven? Another seven, lightning damage and give me a constitution saving
throwdt twelve At a certain point, it's just an old man killing. Yeah,
it feels good, doesn't it. Twelve? You're fine. You hung
onto moog air. You are right behind him. Just regained consciousness with moog
tonguing me, forgive me if I'm a little bit confused in this scenario.
Okay, Claudia. Claudia has just seen Moog kiss what she thought was Jorcer's
partner, so she's she's really confused now, but she's, oh no,
you didn't right now? Now, is she gonna Tellorcer? I'll have a
word with that horror. Everybody else is drowning. But the real real dilemma,
Yeah, yeah she will. She'll say, hey, he's hitting on
your guy. Stay, oh lord. But for real though, if Stan
needs like an arm under his arm or whatever, she will help him.
Well, I want to see if you can actually get past this lightning for
us to give me a roll, Okay, but I appreciate the emotional support.
You're fine, Yeah, you're right in between, but like it's right,
it's crackling right next to you. You're just keeping your distance see five,
ten, fifteen, Georcery. You're actually kind of fine. You can
get there right now. You won't make a role in this one because you're
not. You're not threating that gap just yet, so you're fine at the
moments. I'll live another six seconds. Yeah, Cobert, You've got a
much open, wider area north of you, so you might be able to
get some extra movement under there. So feel free. Given the trouble that
my team is having just staying afloat as is, I'm gonna I'm gonna stick
with thirty on this round. Okay, Well you're now you're on round six
and people only have a minute of air, so keep that in mind.
Ten rounds is one minute. We might want to say, you know,
let's get us all out there before we drown. And if we'd happened to
get electric cuted a lot, maybe that's the lesser of two evils. I
don't know, because I will say this you and I'm being a good DM
here. You can avoid this lightning over here. You can go along this
wall and hug it down so you can double move this one, and I
will allow it safely because I'm a I would like to see the story actually
continue, all right, all right, as long as I'm not putting my
team at needless risk. You are what a responsible center. That's why I
like to hear listen, Cabert's built for utility. Remember this one. I
can't do funk all in battle, right, Okay, so move no problem.
Following a long stand he pulls you aver on that. Don't feel bad
about it. I stacked my character entirely because I thought it was funny.
He's not going to be useful at all in this entire fucking podcast. Now
this is the hardbar for Jorser. This is now he's got to thread that
spot that you already got through the previous rounds. So Georcier, give me
that acrobatics or athletics roll thread the needle eight Nope, nope, okay,
let's see you take five lightning damage and give me a constitution saving throw.
Okay, he's just slapping off every wall like a powable of its cock out.
You hang on, you hang onto your ear. You do not,
But I am down and like, do they do negative hit points? I'm
down to negative three? Oh? Then you know zero. Joser is now
unconscious. Okay, oh base, he's one of these. You're basically getting
hit by a warrior. So and I know it was tough, so I'd
never thought i'd say is, but thank God for Joestra's cock I uh like,
speaking of squids, do I ship myself? Usually that takes in the
first thirty minutes to twenty four hours afterwards, you're fine for the moment,
not yet. Uh, that's why the koala was thinking the next day.
It's sad that I had to look up decomposition of a koala. But okay,
Uh, you're surprised and delighted. You did okay, Like before,
Cobert, if you follow this one down, if you angle it the right
way, you can avoid the lightning traps, and you reached the bottom,
you can double move unless you want to go for the treasure. I was
thinking about that. Cabert wasn't, obviously because he hasn't seen it yet,
right, But uh, I'm gonna I'm gonna see where he is at the
end of his first move, at the point where he would have to decide
how his double move would play out. I'm okay with this. If this
is where the dicey bastard said, the next team take you, guys take
over the totally innocent party. Who gets to be Matt Demon I don't know,
but that will totally saying at the bottom of a river with a pocket
full of gold. All right, So at thirty at the point where he
would have to rush forward, you cannot see the treasure yet, yep,
So Cabert will stay the course without any worry of temptation, because he doesn't
really have a chance to notice it. Okay, so give me another thirty
feet because you can get down to the bottom. Bam, bam, fantastic.
Okay, because he's safe. Long Okay, So Moog gets pulled along
behind, Staying gets pulled along behind. Claudia gets pulled along behind George.
Are gonna be death saving? Throw roll D twenty and if it's ten or
above you make a save. Well there's an actual death save button. Click
and see what happens. Oh no, that's just brought up. Yep,
all those Just roll any D twenty and tenor above and you are It's fine
for now, all right, nineteen you are growing up. Well, if
you got a nineteen, you're totally fine. That's one death save. You're
good. Did I'm still not show up? It did not? Do you
have any reroller or what? No? You told me it's a nineteen,
and I believe you, all right, you know, for Fox's sake,
I know you need it. So all right, Cobert, thread this needle,
buddy, can Claudie you see the treasure from here? Yeah? Oh
yeah, oh okay, you can let go of the rope. I mean,
you're be right back, fella. There's really no reason she has to
keep up with us. Sure, he's not running out of air. Just
kind of wants I guess. Yeah, she wants to go see if there's
anything she can grab. Okay, go for it. Uh, Claudia,
when it's okay, So Cobert he'll start first, and Claudia search will wonder
off. So yep, all right, yep works for me. Uh,
based on that, once Mood gets to hear, uh mood, actually you
know what, he did it right? You're fine, he did it just
the right way. Good thing. You map that out now. And oh,
Claudia, you don't. Sorry, you start going this way, I'm
assuming, and Joseph is lagging behind Stan. You notice stand of Cobert you
knowice Claudia just walked off b R B. Well I not. It's there's
some slack on the rope. I guess now, so Stan will, if
he has any energy left, yank that rope and try and get whoever's dawdling
a bit closer. Okay, just because I'm a dick, how hard?
Give me, give me a give me athletics, roll on that on that
rope. I'm basically dead. Give me how hard I do editing. It's
not going to be just straight strength roll. That's it. Fantastictics, that's
that's that's perfectly fine. You two. Here's the thing. You didn't do
enough damage to give to make George for fail a death save. That's all
I was looking for. You didn't do damage to his dick, to this,
to this balloon that floats up behind you much of pres uh. Okay,
so while they're there, Okay, Cobert, give me your move and
then we'll do Claudia's independently. Already. Now I realize for fans at Homer
on the R, on the podcast, all this thing, this has been
one zig zaggy maye I've been making because we've all that we're all seeing,
and I think we didn't tell the podcast listeners. It's a zig zag maze
of lightning kilt that they've been threading the needle up and down. I figured
you're picked up by context. But when you have a chance to check out
the video, a lot of fun. All right, Moog five ten,
fifteen, give me that, give me that save, or we give me
that role to get past the electricity. SI, you're fine, You're fine
stand five ten fifteen, same thing. Okay, athletics, here we go
ten barely made it. Uh, I'll take badly. Jorcer is just drug
along five ten fifteen, and he's going to fail no matter what because he's
not alive. So he's gonna drift by. So Georger. It's like flying
the weirdest kite, right it is so one. I need you fail one
death save automatically because you bounce into the well. You do because you run.
You can't stop it yourself, so you hit the electricity. But now
you get to make a death saving throw. So you have one failure,
one success. Give me, give me roll D two twenty and see what
you got. Six that's a fail. Okay, so there's two fails and
one success. Uh. Claudia, you come up there. You see underwater,
you see a treasure, a treasure chest with a lot of with a
lot of shiny metal. Let's see she needs to is there anything obvious or
can she investigate? Uh? Do you both? You get like, there's
obviously there's a chest and there's some shiny metals there in the water that you're
making out through the various electrical arcs. You can already see an eleven eleven.
Uh, someone put spray painted or painted fake gold here as a distraction,
like the hook you say, someone Gibby, it was you fucking someone,
some bastard. Now you also noticed that, like the plants around that
area seem to be eating and chewing on the remains of a skull and a
dead thing. In fact, they start to like wiggle out and get a
little bit closer to you, like some of the planktons seems to be reaching
out towards your general direction. All right, I'm getting very negative vibes from
this. So she thinks it's a trap. She said, like fuck this,
and she's gonna dash to catch up with her her game. Not a
problem. I'll put you see five ten fifty twenty. Actually you can.
You can get all the way back there because you can like move action and
bonus action get all the way back there right next to your gang, because
you're a rogue. But you only have so you only go forty five feet
though, because you don't have swim sweet So five ten fifteen twenty twenty five
thirty thirty five forty forty five. It puts you right about here. Now
I'm gonna need one. I'm gonna need one roll to see if you got
zapped. Okay, what do I roll? Athletics, racrobatics? You're fine?
Okay, uh, stay, give me a perception check the section here
we got You're fine, used, Claudia is catching up, she's behind you.
Jorcerer is not looking too good. Moog seems to be fine, and
Kabar seems to be fine. You are. I'm glad everyone's okay, as
I'm slightly dying, Yes, exactly. Uh, Moog, you said,
at least you and Grocer are going together. That feels like I will say
that both Moogan, both Moug and Stan have intelligence is a thirteen and above
correct. O, at least I'm dying looking at Joser's cook. Both of
you are in rope burned cock. Would both of you be so kindness to
give me a just a general intelligence check? Mouke gets a nine. No,
your Moog's little loss on this one. Stand give me a general intelligence
check. General intelligence? Hey, we got four. No, don't worry
about you. Guys are fine. Don't I'm never gonna bring it up.
Not a lot of oxygen in the brain right now. Okay, all right,
Cabert it's your turn, and it seems to be clear sailing. Okay,
and I believe this is actually round ten. So well done. And
I keep hugging the wall as much as I can, and then I reach
the edge of the map before I run out of movement. So I will
let you tell me if there's anything. You reach the thing. The path
clears up and there is a you can see a cavern above you with oxygen,
you can see it right above. I will use my final bit of
five feet to begin swimming upward towards the top. Okay, sounds good.
Uh mood gets pulled along. He's safe. Uh, Stan, you're safe.
Georgier does have to get past electricity. Eh, fuck it, you
got around him. I'll be nice. I won't kill him just now.
Claudia, you do have to get past electricity, so you're gonna use all
your movie to catch up. So I need one roll to see if he
gets apped. Okay, twenty years fine, Okay, So you all have
successfully done what many of us gamers back in the Nintendo days could not do
and navigated the underwater layer of the Reptilian brothers who know Kung Fu well most
of us did. You'd find this a little bit odd, but Drew is
actually the only person I know in real life who has beaten that level.
So that's right. I forgot that came up when we did the Ninja Turtles
on Brodeo. Yeah, I yes, And I was a only child with
a lot of time and not a lot of friends. Brother, you don't,
Oh my god, Like I came so close so many times, like
wow, I feel so akin to you. All right, So, uh,
you guys have gotten through. Uh you are now breathing properly. Jorceerer
is unconscious. Was before I moved to the map? Is or anything you
like the next map? Is anything you guys would like to do? I
guess try and revive Jocer. But I feel like we'll probably do that when
we're above water in the cavern, which I'm yes you are, I'll say,
for the sake of this, you are now you're gonnay to walk.
You're walking from there to the next map, and it is that's just a
few feet. It's just around a corner of a bend, guys. But
we have an opportunity to end this on a really dramatic moment. Drocerus snake
Move's just gonna wash the taste of old man l flips officers. There was
so much floating around in that wall. Man. Yeah, actually you don't.
Yeah, that's a good, very good point. So does anybody try
to revive the Drocerer because I'd like to get to this last map, and
that's I think this war will end this next one on this next map up
with a little bit extra. So go on, let's see. I don't
recommend using electricity. Can we force fed with good berry? Yeah? One
hundred percent. That's what I was gonna tell you if you major intelligence role,
because Cabert gives you guys out good berries every day, all right,
forced specifically handed them out earlier earlier in game. Just jam one down Georcerer's
throat. Gorcerer's say, eat my berries with a stick, because I don't
want my fingers in his mouth. All right, Well, Georisra, you
have one hit point, Standoulders. Yeah, of course, good, very
yeah, get a little bit out of a dramatic day. That lazy river
ride was fantastic. Let's do it again sometime. Fancy man, we never
speak of this. Speak for yourself. I'm putting this one in the diary.
My friend you've got a sensitive side, all right, You guys realize
that there's this cavern opens up to an underground cave that's got to seems to
have actually an exit on the southeast side. Jesus, I don't, I
don't know what your problem. What's the matter with Stevie? Seemed to be
reacting to something that I don't understand. It feels like I'm being mocked.
I don't, I don't know. Uh Anyway, Uh so this this cave,
this underground cave, it's kind of like it seems to be like an
old sewer. Part of it was like a dwarf and sewer that was left
over, but it definitely has There is seems to be an egress to the
southeast, but there appears to be like a living space with several people occupying
this area who realize that they have visitors. Cowa bunga. So once you
step through, you notice there are four turtles, each one wearing a mask
and uh some kind of like they also may be monks. There is a
wear rat to the to the southeast by the door, a little older,
little seasoned. Uh, And oddly enough, Coubert, you recognize one of
the turtles the purple one to yours named Da Vinci. You stood next to
him in line, Uh, when you were waiting for the auditions to be
part of the Dicey Bastards. Well, this is awkward. Luckily I'm a
crocodile, so I don't think he recognizes me at the moment. No,
you are still a crocodile. So is there anything with the time we have
left? Is there anything you all would like to say or do to these
particulars? Maybe you can get past maybe not. You can start talking now,
or we can save this encounter for the next one. Oh, let's
definitely save this one. Let's start as we mean to go on next.
Kount of if you're ridiculous, did you tell Hi take umbradge to that I
spent time crafting? Yes, Mona rem Brandon. Uh huh, Master,
what have you done here? Master? Flinda's a sennym for splinter. Yes,
you know, the real kick in the teeth of this giving. There's
a famous artist named Sarah, which kind of spells like sewer rat. Yes,
I wanted to, and I was also like, I also got a
calo callo down there. Because she's a female total and because she didn't get
any representation. So there is a there's a callo down there. And if
you take the time, notice they are color coded. They are color CODEDE
well, we notice, givvy, we all noticed, but I feel like
you're not. It feels shitty the way you're noticing. I feel like like
we will see what you've done. We'll give you recovered by next episode.
Will we get to have a next episode or we'll CND stop this trade in
its tracks? And is that a giant like is a little ocean of ooze
like radiation rights of flu to the But yes it is, it is.
Yes, the diceym bastards about to get mutant powers on the next episode.
You got to tune in to see ladies and gentlemen, And I, yeah,
I believe this is a good place to stop. You guys are right.
So is there anything this wonderful team of knuckle hudgs like to say to
the fans the friends out there? What happens if you put oohs on a
half man, half horse? H What if you flip it that way?
What if you come to the horsetop and the man bottom? It's fucking horrifying?
Yeah, well, I guess we'll see you next time on let's not
think about that too huh. Hey. We opened with coala skinning. We're
closing with esoteric wonderings about what makes a centaur centaur. A junior mentioned to
friends, we've been the Dicey Bastards and you've been awesome on behalf of Dre
Drew Hayes, Robert Bevan, Wickwalteriery, Steve Wither or Emily Kaplan. I'm
Mk Gibson. Thank you all very much. We'll see you next time.
Bye everybody, Bye bye. Dicey Bastards is brought to you by Orphors and
Dragons the Channel by Geeks Full Geeks. If you'd like to support this show
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