Welcome to soft core History. What is up? Welcome back to soft core
History. I am your host for the week, Rob Fox. I am
joined as always by Dan Richester and Jake Goldman. Are we recording? I'm
not drinking alcohol to day, and you know what it shows? It does.
I I haven't been I haven't made you guys laugh once off sickly already.
Oh Mike, yeah, I believe you're going through withdrawals. I'm shaking.
Rob's trembling, right. Yeah, it's actually nice and you're not good.
Uh No, we're just recording at noon instead of at night, so
I figured you don't have to see my kids later. They're not asleep yet.
I might want to stay sober until dinner. Yeah. Also, it's
kind of like brunch rest. Really, this feels like it's got brunch energy.
It can typically I just I just think of brunch as like a joyful
even booze or not. I like eating breakfast feeds midday. So this is
like a trailer park brunch for me. Then, because I'm drinking an energy
drink, so I'll just pour some vodka in it. I guess you're giving
up so quick. Yeah, Well, if we're doing for brunching. But
I only I don't have champagne. Babe, I know I'm pisted drun orange
juice. Clear alcohol doesn't count. Yeah, clear alcohol doesn't count. That's
fine for you, but it's true. But also it's like you imagine,
just like you roll back over to home. It's like, Babe, I
know I wasn't gonna drink, but Jake said it was brunch, so so
now I'm hammered. I was the worst ever. Was trying to hide to
accidentally taking an edible at work from my wife. When I got home and
we were like walking the baby, I was like a freak. Wow,
Like I was like Frankenstein walking to try and seem sober I did. Was
that terrifying for you? Yeah? I imagine for you different old old office.
Oh oh, he was hitting twenty five on two ninety. Yeah,
that's even worse. Yeah, like from here it's not too but god,
getting on the old tarf in general, that was like the most accident prone
street in the world. God damn it. That was the worst day.
I was like, oh cool, CBD, gummy, and then next to
him was a crackhead just sprinting past him. Yeah, but that was actually
I was going forty at that point. He was just on a lot of
crack. He was the most crack. Yeah. Uh, anyway, before
we get started. In case you didn't know, we do a Patreon patreon
dot com slash softcore history for five dollars a month. You get two extra
episodes every week a week, plus an entire evergreen back catalog of episodes just
like this history fun history ish, I don't know, you know, full
episodes like this. Also an additional episode that is more user interactive voicemail,
or watch alongs for different historical movies and stuff. I think we might do
watch alongs for the new Masters of the Air when that comes out. Uh,
part three of them watch with it? Yeah, Hanks Spielberg situation for
World War Two. Who I haven't even heard of this, Yes you have,
I've sent you the trailer. I didn't watch it. Oh god damn
it. All right, it was all the time that I just I'm like,
oh, I'll watch that later. I get a million other note of
connections, can we talk about just how most of your interactions with old friends
is just sharing memes now yep, And it's like I don't want to be
involved with this I I haven't so many chats. I mean, I guess
that's the only communication I have with some of a couple like a few fraternity
brothers or high school friends. But is this the main or the Patreon?
This is main? Okay, so oh yeah, you just talked about Patreon.
Anyway, Yeah, I have I think I have like a conversation with
a couple of friends where the memes are very niche to us, Right,
it works better. Yeah, that's fine. But when it's just see because
what that is too, by the way, is our group text are what
our dad's chain emails were. That's all it is. Because sometimes my dad
would send me a funny joke that you know, he got through his uncle
or brother, my uncles, his brother's like chain emails. Yeah, and
it was just like like a naughty limerick from the fifties and listen. Totally
fine to kind of keep those conversations with like five or even seven of your
closer friends. Yeah, but man, there's some fringe friends that's in a
lot of memes that's very complete, strangers that share a ton of like just
rapid fire, and it's like, man, I don't know what to tell
you. I I want to mute you. I like, I like a
well, a tasteful meme. I don't if you do it all the time,
then I'm like, all right, it kind of loses. It's no
offense appeal, no offense. Bosh, you make the best. I'm just
saying. At some point sharing memes and you being good at gifts, is
it just means you're like great at quoting anchor man, Yes, that is
it. I still prefer to the fucking douchebags that just quote books all day
or podcasts. Yeah, podcasts, podcast I actually don't even I'll hear all
my podcast stuff from TikTok, so it's condensed, right, Yeah, it's
just the greatest. You can follow us on Instagram and TikTok. By the
way, it's soft cooreistry. Also for this episode or for this If you
don't want to subscribe to the Patreon at the very least, please leave us
a review on Apple and Spotify. Spotify, you just leave a five star.
Uh, you don't have to write anything on Apple five star plus writing
is like key to getting us up the charts. It is not based.
It is not a meritocracy in any way, nor should it be. I
agree, cheat the system. Yeah, in fact cheating life. Uh it's
the American way. You ain't cheating, you ain't trying, and nobody ever
pays for it. Yeah. Whenever somebody cheats, it's always you reap the
rewards. Usually it's your Michigan is right now, you don't believe to be
not to be taught overly topical. But that was their adversity that they went
through. I loved that spin on that. That was great. Fuck off
all right, man? So is the sign stealing? It's all for you?
And uh, we're here to talk about that a little bit today.
If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying, and you might as well just
fucking cheat every time every time? Uh we do? You know I hate
to kind of like beat this drum over and over again, or like go
to this well over and over again. But we you talk about like religion
and Catholicism a lot on here, because me and Dan are Catholic and you're
Jewish, and those are easily two of the three funniest religions on Earth.
What's the third one? Islam? Yeah, Like Buddhism isn't that funny to
be? Hinduism's we're gonna do a Hinduism episode and a little bit, and
it's pretty funny man like modern stuff. But at least origins Shoism got pretty
funny in the forties. Yeah, we typically tiptoe around the third one,
though we try, we try our best. We try to be more informative
than poke at it. Yep, you just don't hit a wasp just with
a bat. You don't need to take that chance. No, I do
still love that genies are are fied Islamic cannon, like they're looking up.
We did an episode about genies. Genies are Islamic cannon and they're real.
They're real man. Anyway. Uh, we are talking about Catholicism today though,
because it was really not necessarily I didn't want to do it about the
Catholic Church or anything like that. It was more just about medieval warfare.
But since the Catholic Church ran fucking everything in the Middle Ages, everything ran
through the Catholic Church in the Middle Ages, and everything ran through the Pope,
so kind of hard not to have the pope involved, at least,
I mean, he's directly involved in this, but at least even on the
fringes, you know, the church is going to have something to say.
Yeah, the church got something to say. That's their fucking We're about to
get a third pope in our like last decade. Right, wait, we're
on our third pope in our lifetime, not last time or la last decade.
Yeah, wait, what's going on with Francis? I think he wants
to retire? What Yeah, he'll be the second street even our popes into
the grave like supposed to. That's like dating from the throne. Like everyone's
like, don't do that, which that Dutch lady just did? I think
right? That Also, that's no one gives a shit ride that no one
even knew you were there. Yeah, no one knew you were you were.
They were like so phased out by the time, like addoicating is almost
a joke. It's like what do you even do? Like it's waste like
respect to the Brits because they still hold it down. Like everyone's taxes there
pay for those people's lifestyle. It's incredible that they've managed to stay on that.
I have so much respect for them, and everyone just just want to
be rude, it's truly, but they own it, right, like that's
their fucking property, like legally, even if they don't even if you rip
their crown off. The parliament is at the behest of the queen. It's
like at the pleasure of the queen or whatever, the leisure of the queen.
Like it's she can say it's over. It would be a really weird
moment. Or not the queen. I guess the king got a king again.
Yeah, but uh, that's another thing we're gonna see too. We're
gonna have like three different heads of monarchy in our lifetime, which isn't very
common. No, well, if you go further than enough back, it's
actually held it down. Yeah. She was the longest rain I think,
yeah, for sure, because like no one was going for her throat.
Yeah, I know that, you know anymore at that point? Actually,
yeah, funny if someone usurped them just to have like their current position,
that would be incredible. I just want to chill this life. You're telling
me Elizabeth hasn't off somebody personally. I there's one person in particular she might
have taken out. I know who, someone she wished she could have killed.
Probably that's the person I'm thinking of, Diana we're talking about. Oh
yeah, yeah, but I know another one she probably wishes she could have
cursed son Andrew. Yes, yeah, thank god. She did buy a
lot of beanie bit like baby stock. After Diana's just like she's like,
hey, make a bear, make a bear, Make a purple, make
a purple. All right. She wasn't even royalty when she died, but
this episode she wore an Eagles jacket once. She did because she liked to
pretend to slum it go birds. She did like to churn it slummet uh,
shaking hands with guys with aids wearing Eagles jackets, big bi, going
back to your hotel suite. Her aesthetic, though, it is actually vibes.
I love her everything she wears. That's like half of a rowing blazers,
this fucking thing. Now. Well yeah, but her aesthetic is the
exact same as John Dudas they go look at fits, well, they look
like each other. So today we're talking about the second Council of the Lateran.
It's in eleven thirty nine and it was called by Pope Innocent. Second,
why is this council notables mostly not except for one weird canon. You
announce canons at the or like certified canons whatever something like that at these councils
and I think they're twenty nine of them, and the last one was jammed
in there, slid in there at the end like a Friday News dump,
you know what I mean. There's one thing you didn't want them to see.
Well, you kind of wanted them to see it, but it was
just like it was almost like it was it's pork. Yeah, you know
what I mean. Yeah, exactly, it's it's pork. You're jam and
in on a mega bill. Yeah, yeah, And uh so it banned
Canon twenty nine. I think is Cantoy nine banned the use of ranged weapons
crossbows, long bow slings, et cetera against other Christians in eleven thirty nine.
Oh that's gonna be war heard, well, make it worse, make
it hard for some people. Yeah. Would you rather die from a boat
or a sword? Depends? Truly depends. They're both awful. True,
you're getting stabbed one way or the other. If if if I have a
guaranteed death, can I pick if it's a sword, I want to be
behind. Well, where we talked about on another episode, how beheading isn't
necessarily a one. Yeah, that's true, depending on how many executions they
had that day. I want a ned stark beheading, like just one quickie.
Yeah, big sword strong man. Yeah yeah. Uh. You were
still, by the way, allowed to use these on Muslims and anyone that
hope team to anyone excommunicated anything like that, you know, not not other
Christians. You do it in God's name and especially not other Catholic And you
don't want to hurt the crossbow manufacturers either. That's just unfair. That's bad
for the economy. Yes, yeah, you don't want to hurt industry like
that. Well, so there there were some other stuff in this council too
that that we'll get to because it's related. But this is the main thing,
and it's interesting. Do you wonder why why the pope outlawed range weapons
against other Christians? I was going to ask something how to have spurret this.
I'm sure it's not out of the kindness of his heart. I imagine
a local blacksmith got into his ear. We need more swords, just trying
to hold businesses down, just trying to get like some back alley deals.
Yeah, the sword guy's sword, big sword is gotten hurt from big crossbow.
Yeah, and big swords like you know, it's like big, it's
like big horse buggy. You know, it's like something's gonna replace you.
Brother. There was a I read a theory. It was like a prediction
for the I think it was from the nineteen twenties, about the twenty twenties,
oh wow. And it was like a bunch of like scientists, philosopher's
prognosticators. It was in some newspaper that guy if somebody shared on Twitter and
police side, Yeah, this thing with this guy. We've done an episode
on his thread. But awesome. But anyway, one of the predictions was
that like they said cars would take over over like horses and buggies like fully,
but like they went like they overshot the runway by a mile. They
were like, not only will cars take over, but horses will be extinct.
We're gonna be like that was there, like we're gonna run out of
oil. It's like we're gonna just buggy the horses to death. No,
no, the opposite. It was just like we're not gonna need them and
they're just gonna die. I guess you don't need to breed them. It
checks out. Actually, does kind of know that you mentioned it. They
only survived because of race horse in uh, the sport I mean, yeah,
I guess there's not. There's lots of equestrian ship but to a point
though, yeah, there's no way less. Maybe probably totally way less.
And also like if you didn't have the equestrian shit, like, it's not
like we just have that many wild horses, just a couple of ranch hands.
Yeah, I guess ranching and stuff would still require it, but not
like thousands of arts in a city being pulled. I mean, they had
so many horses back then, as we talked about in previews, out sad
that they like, got to make sure this electric chair works, Bring in
a horse. There's any horse. We gotta so many horses. Just go
get a horse. You gotta mentione. A lot of medicine was practiced on
horses too. Oh god, I'm actually watching The Gilded Age on HBO right
now. I heard that's sick. It's fantastic. You would love it.
I think you would love it too, Dan. But uh, the the
one thing, my biggest knock on it. Everyone's in Manhattan, you know,
using horse and buggy. The streets are way too clean. You gotta
remember in that time shipping everywhere everything was ship road. Yeah, like just
poop poop, dog shit in the roads of Europe. Oh really in Portugal
maybe maybe in that dirty country. Germany had clean ass roads, but that
was in Lisbon. Porto was like kind of it was really clean for a
big city, immaculate. No, that's European. Big cities are insane for
that. You're just like how they just pay people to clean it. They
pay people to clean it and also people are when it's but it was so
hard to find a trash can. I didn't understand. It's you. They
eat their garbage. People don't know this about Europe. They eat all their
paper garbage. Well, when you're part of the Paris Climate Agreement. Yeah,
actually people didn't know. They pork barrels and stuff your fucking receipts everything
eating bugs. Try eating receipts, I mean, especially with the wheat shortage
and Ukraine right tough times. What is paper but future bread? I think
they used to make, well they do call paper getting that bread. I
mean in Germany during the Wimar Republic, they were making fucking bread out of
sawdust. So and uh yeah in uh Waterloo just outside they were making bread
out of humans, bread out of boats. We learned that on our pictureon.
So there's some theories about why the Pope wanted to outlaw range weapons against
other Christians. According to the Pope, did he have a weekend? It
was to make battles less bloody. He had a Maybe we canned politically,
and we'll get to that. There are some more conspiracy minded people, however,
I went kind of down a a Twitter thread on this. This is
what spurred my interest in this. Who think the Pope may have banned range
weapons for more underhanded conspiracy ish minded reasons? Like what, I'm truly curious
motive is here? Well, who used range weapons? Twinks? Warriors kind
of keep the pores out of the war. So it was like the original
what I keep the pores out of the wars? The original gun control?
Yes, that's that's this person's theory. Uh, poors, poor people,
peasants, whatever they were, the ones manning the bows and arrows and crossbows
and stuff on the slings on the battlefield, they would stand a chance in
a revolution. The rich guys, well, not even that, they don't
even go that far. The rich guys were probably dying. They could kill
the rich guys on horses in armor. Yeah, the knights, the lords,
the people who paid a big fat tithe to the church. Yeah,
to build more churches and expand church power and fight crusades. I mean that's
a fair point. Oh so it was like the anchor put ban and golf.
They're like, we need the stars to win all these scrubs that are
using the long putter like Kig and Bradley to win a fucking major championship.
Get out of my face. Yeah, no, no, no, you
can't have that. Yeah, these guys start using goober putters and like,
now these goobers are built on stars. Okay, it's true, it's true.
Yeah, you don't want to see some dirty, filthy fucking peasant being
like got him. But you want to see a guy, a literal knight
in shining armor just cut down a night and through, Yeah, cutting off
the heads of some guy you can't read. If Robert the Lion Heart just
got got Richard Richard, You're think I'm thinking of his brother, Oh Rob
the Tiger Heart. No, Ryan, Dude, Richard Ryding and Rob are
they lesser known brothers. There's also Reggie. Yeah, well he's long forgotten.
So essentially, what they wanted these poors to do, they were like,
all right, it's enough of picking off fucking big boys. Okay,
you're gonna pick up a spear that you probably had to fucking carve the day
before the battle. Here's a rock and a stick. You're gonna fight that
way, and you're gonna let these knights who give us money get their number
just cut you down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're getting Really that's
a Actually, it's like, remember when the NBA banned his own defense.
I was, I was just about to say, it's like whenever the NFL
is like, all right, we're making past interference even tougher to not and
you're not allowed to touch the quarterback. Yeah yeah, Like that's actually that
Arguably that's the best is you like they're roughing the passer on every fucking call.
That is essentially what happened. So the poor people had to like gloriously,
you know, get slaughtered by the rich knights in battle. That's so
the theory goes. Obviously, though, if you know anything about you know,
European warfare, right after that, all the way up to present day,
no one fucking listened. Yeah no, they crossbows, they had everything,
still used everything, they actually still used all of it. They actually
made a semi automatic crossbow. The day after, they're like, you know
what, faster, that's the French, I believe, right. I mean
the Battle of Agincourt three hundred years later, and that was one literally by
longbows that the British were shooting at the French. Now granted the English,
oh no, and the English were still hadn't left the church yet, I
believe during the battle as course, So because they left in the fifteen hundreds,
you guys really fumbled that bag so fucking hard. Oh my god,
the whole world would be Catholic. How do we We didn't know. We
didn't know France was stronger. We thought France was the horse to back,
and it wasn't. I don't need to go into the France rant. We
backed the Catholic Church backed the wrong horse. That's why you wonder why Rob
hates France. This is why the world would be Catholic if it weren't for
your own fault. I mean, ironically, Spain got us most of our
numbers. They got us a continent and a half. Yeah, Span and
Portugal. Yeah yeah, Spain and Portugal the two like most useless, Like
they stopped being powers before the United States even existed, basically, like Spain
was a shell of itself by the time of the American Revolution. Good and
then by the time we fought him in eighteen ninety eight or whatever. Good
Lord, they were they were trash. Yeah, but they were too busy
discovering stuff? Were they? There were side questing too hard? They didn't.
They forgot the story. They forgot the main quest, which is be
the best at it. I think they just kind of got their come up
and for being by far the meanest colonizers cutting off five we talked about with
Wolverine. Got the guys. They were outsource and stuff too, like Columbus.
Yeah, he's Italian. Fucking couldn't even do it themselves. An Italian
shipping out a sailing out of Portugal, I believe, I thought. I
believe he was under the Spanish flag, and Magellan from Portugal actually visited the
town he was from, but sailed under span as well. They have beef
Magellan. They don't like Magellan in fucking Portugal. He's a train. He
hitah, he hit the portal Uh. He left at Palos de la from
Terra, which I think is probably Spanish. Yeah, that is a Spanish.
He didn't leave from Portugal. He he did come back to Lisbon.
Oh maybe that's what I was thinking, but then went back to Spain.
But because it's right there, Yeah, it's the easiest doc that hit.
Uh So no one listened to this obviously. They kept using bows and arrows
the entire fucking time, like they're like, man, I love you Jesus,
but I really can't afford to lose a war. Who can Yeah,
it's like, uh, it's it's you're kind of tying my hands here.
Yeah, I don't know what you want. But but the thing too was
you would be excommunicated if you did this. That's if you're if you're if
your armies did this, if you if you were an officer who ordered it.
Sometimes, if you do lose a war, you only get one,
like Carthage, you lose that Second Panic War. It's over. Yeah,
end of a dynasty. That's why. If you're gonna lose, you lose
small, right like the US you lose Vietnam or something like that, and
you don't even really lose it, you know, like not on the battlefield.
You just like people are like, I don't want to do this anymore.
Perception loss yeaeah. We we didn't like get in Vietnam. We just
stopped invading with Iraq. In Afghanistan, it was not like we were like,
oh my god. It was just people were just like, I don't
want to spend money on this. I don't know. The Afghans kind of
dunk on us. I know they dunk. Yeah, but then like I
get to go, like get in my car and like, you know,
my wife can leave the house. Well they're living that life too now,
getting in the car going to work. Yeah, they hate it because you
know why, you want to ride in the back of your truck with your
homies, you and your boys hanging out smoking SIGs in the truck. That's
fun. Yeah, that was the good That was the good life. Unloading
let into the sky. Yeah, it's like maybe you see something you gotta
shoot out. Hopefully you don't. You just get to hang with your boys.
There's got to be some of them that are like invade Pakis eh or
somewhere shittier. Pakistan's got nukes. Maybe don't. Maybe probably wouldn't want to
do it. I would probably literally just be like all right, glass,
Yeah, I don't care. Yeah, no, one's gonna stop us either,
even in the US would be like, Okay, we are not getting
in it, man, Ah, don't do that again. We'll sinction the
shit out of you. Yeah, but we're not gonna stop it. Well,
and we'll still send you a though. Also, so they used all
this stuff. Stealth doesn't matter? So why include Cannon twenty nine in the
second council at the later on? Why didn't have the council? Pope Innocent
had some problems politically, chiefly among them that there were more than a few
people who were like, you're not the fucking pope. Oh we had another
pope. There was a pope, anti pope and an anti pope. So
yeah, people were like, not my pope, tales old, it's so
funny. I just want to actually wait, can we make that bumper stickers?
And then has to have pope not my pope? That would solve to
so many different demographics for so many different reasons. All right, we might
need to get that much good. Especially wait, if Francis is retiring soon
has taken my pope? Whats up next? I don't even care if you
can work for Bennett Transit, Like, there's so many bleep this idea out
until we make it. Yeah, yeah, don't steal this. Yeah.
So there were some papal election deniers after Innocent was elected, and these election
deniers they weren't wrong to be like rigged or that's just fucked up, because
it was. It was totally rigged. It was completely rigged. So Pope
Honoreus the Second died in eleven thirty and Innocent was very quickly elected pope by
just six cardinals. So Innocent not so innocent after all. I think he
named himself that to be like, how good I do it? It's in
my name? Yeah, do you just Britney spears us? Not that innocent?
Damn, he was not that what I was going for, but slipped
a little subliminal Brittany, and though that actually retired from music. So I
was really expecting to come back, britt Yeah. I know that might be
the titlest episode now, not that Innocent the second, not not bent the
second. Yeah. So he was quickly acted by the by six cardinals led
by the Papal Chancellor Hamrick, and he was inaugurated, initiated whatever the fuck
the following day, sworn in the following day, all the other cardinals,
because obviously the pope was elected by the College of Cardinals, were like,
what the fuck, that's not how that works. That it's not even a
quorum. You just ct six of them, just got six dudes, called
it a rule man. One was a squire too. It was weird.
Yeah, you just put him in red ropes. It's told about a vote.
It's like fraternity when it's like, all right, get the bare minimum.
We need to be going to ram something through today. We've done that
before, we probably have to. Yeah. Uh so they went. The
other cardinals went and immediately elected and a Kleitus, the second Cleatus Anta Cletus,
and he's the anti Cleatis Anacletus. I went to homecoming with her Anta
Clidas. Isa. You probably did in central Florida, did you? No?
I didn't. Did you know anyone named Cletus in Central Florida? I
think I've never met a Cleatis. I think I by the time I would
have been meeting people, the Simpsons probably killed it from happening. Yeah,
definitely met. I'll have to think of some there's some real Southern names.
The Simpsons is buried that name. Yeah, it's done. It is.
They really I mean, like almost as thoroughly as Hitler buried Adolf did the
Simpsons Bury Kletis couple of still out there. There's a Dolph Dolf well young
Dolph marked alright, p it's true. And then there's Dolph Lungden. He's
still holding it down. Yeah, no one. No one's gonna tell him
not to, that's the thing. No one's gonna call him out until Dolph
Longdon. His name's bad. I don't think it is bad. I love
I love Dolf. He's like tofer Grace, you know what I mean?
Yeah, no, this Chris yeah, same build. Yeah, yeah,
they have a lot in common. Forget. It's just funny to like pick
a different part of your name. Yeah, like just call me Ober oh
bear, yeah, oh Bear. I mean that's basically my friend. That
Tilford. Grace has kind of skirted the uh Danny Masterson stuff because he wasn't
friends with him now yeah he was. He like like sniffed it out earlier.
Yeah, so this guy's a piece of shit. All of them were
like like, bang, sixteen year olds will with Baldorama. I don't know
how he's not in jail. He was only fucking Disney stars who were under
eighteen. Yeah, yeah, do you remember when they're an evergreen statement?
Remember when we were in high school and like all the fucking sophomore girls in
our class would date twenty two year olds, twenty three year olds. They
never did that. They would they would get like nineteen year olds. That
just delco Is that just the I knew one high school girl data college guy,
and by that like they didn't d Like I knew a sophomore girl that
dated a guy that started going to community college like the year after, and
that was a little weird and we were like, that's kind of like on
the fence there because she's like fifteen and your nineteen. What was weirder was
my freshman year these like two college sophomores that were like local, they hung
out with us all the time. That's weird. That was really Well,
if they're not related to another kid at the party, yeah, it's like
if it's not a big brother situation or big sister situation is very strange with
us. My name would be cob cop Golden. I like that, the
old cob Anal Annual Annual Annual, Annie Annie Neil Yeah, and then my
last name rhyme's with a certain word that people love to kind of spell out
register REGs no Jester. I don't know close. I can't even guess a
molester. Oh Regesterester the molester, how that works? You really not make
those teachers. You don't give those vibes, never never have one. I'm
a good man. You. I mean you look like someone who watched Sound
of Freedom and is looking for Mo Lester's to beat up. Yeah, you
really do. You're like fire up the wood Shipper. I mean I was
looking at that list. I'm going through all the documents. They have nine
pages. I can it begins and ends at Stephen Hawking. There's a coloring.
I don't care who else is on that, because that's there's no beat
in Stephen Hawkin. He got out. And honestly, if it was like
an op, you know, like like to to throw everyone off, like
the agency or whatever was like just put Stephen Hawking on there, people be
so fixated on that. Also, think about anything else. Somebody tweeted,
was that you that sent it to us? Yes, where it's just like
if you got raped by Stephen Hawkin, that's on you. Yeah, you've
got molested by Stephen Augen. That's on you like the computer get you.
I saw a sketch today that was like talking about it and they're like,
what was he do? There's like, I don't know if someone's sucking on
his USB. But anyway, so Antaclidus uh was elected by all the other
cardinals. Anacle coincidentally came from a family that was enemies with the papal Chancellor
Hamrick supporters. So the little uh you know, Verona Romeo, Capulets and
Romulins whatever the fuck? Uh Shakespeare? Yeah, I remember the other name
is Capulets and and and whatever. Now I can't remember it either. I
have no idea what you're talking about. And Juliet the Mona Hues Yeah yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah right, why not? Yeah, I'm pretty
sure it's the Mona Hughes. Yeah, haven't read that since high school?
Yeah yeah yeah, Montague and and Capulate. So anyway, Innocent was forced
to flee Rome and he eventually ended up in France, where he sought out
and received the support of Bernard of Clairvo. You heard of this guy,
You know this guy? I haven't Bernie. You know this guy. I
feel like you should because we've talked about his his group, his group he
founded the Knights Temple. Oh this guy, yeah, Bernard of Clairvaux.
Yeah, the Kings of the Holy Roman Empire and England backed UH backed H
and France backed Innocent as well. Once he got to France, Anacletus was
now declared an anti pope, and UH Innocent actually declared him as much like
officially at the Council of Pisa, a different council Pisas and Leaning Tower,
UH and all Anacletus and all of his supporters were this might be important.
Excommunicated mm hmm. They throw those out so often. You can get yeah,
you can get put back in after your ex communicator. Happens all the
time. Medieval two totally like being suspended indefinitely. Yeah, pretty much.
What who's the last person to be does? Do? Ex Communications happen a
lot? Still? I feel like they never happened, Like, was Shinad
O'Connor like the last person or no, you can well she wasn't even Catholic,
will she? Yeah? I think she grew up Catholic. Oh and
Irish. Well, there's also Protestants, the last persons to publicly encore and
publicly just be ex communicated was archbishop Swiss Archbishop Marcel Lefevre. When was that
nineteen ninety Damn, so it's been a minute. We got soft, we
have gotten solft. Oh wait, twenty first century now, as a bunch
of people would Execunitz okay, probably just like bad people though. Yeah,
he was just like a local journalist. Yeah, you're talking bad. Why
are you digging up the catacombs? You know? Stop it? Also he
oh man, so this is actually the last guy to be ex communicated.
His father, Ramone Guidetti of the Diocese of Livorno in Tuscany. He was
excommunicated by his bishop Simon Juicti in January twenty twenty four. Damn we got
one this year. Yeah. Following year, a New Year's Eve address shared
online in which he called Pope Francis an anti pope. Oh fuck, this
is very relevant. I was gonna say, just sheerly for his name,
just how fucking bibbity bobbity it is the dynast know, you know, thanks
give me a gate to buy Simons. You give an Italian lady nine months
and the fucking name they come up with. Oh god, dude, So
I gotta say I gotta talk about this really quick. I'm sorry for this.
Uh. Side note, So, my kid has this thing called a
Tony Box and it just plays different. It just plays Soprano's episodes kind of
We're gonna get there. It plays different like kids books essentially right, like
fucking all kinds of shit. Uh. And it also plays like some songs
from like Toy Story and stuff. You different things you put on, it
doesn't matter. One of the things he has is Curious George, and it
reads a couple of Curious George books. And there's this one where he's throwing
the man in the yellow hat a birthday party, and it involves if this
was any other ethnicity, people would be fucking livid. It involves they're gonna
throw the birthday party at their friend's Italian restaurant called Bisgetti's. And then they
I don't even know the name of the guy who runs the restaurant, but
he's so fucking Italian that he like cannot control his emotion. He's like,
Georgio, Georgio, yes, and we throw the party. Yes, and
and and so George wants to throw the party there and he's like, oh,
yes, A bird by wonderful. Wonderful is and so then they're like,
oh, and Weve like we have the fire house band to play,
you play have a birthday and and then someone's like, oh no, the
firehouse band can't come because they have the Fireman's ball. And he's pulling an
accordion. Well yeah, he does playing accordion. He has an accordion.
But he's like, oh no, we got like immediately we got music.
No. I mean you're literally describing every episode of uh, what is that
ship? Entourage? Right now we can't do the movie. We did the
movie, but Battalion's doing that. It's like swinging back. And then they're
like, oh, it's okay, the three of us can play. He's
like yes, and he pulls out of the cord. He's like the music
for the party. Yeah. Yeah. And then they're like, oh,
but Steve sick, he can't play, and he's like no, no,
you know, this poor Italian man needs lithium. He's the bounce out a
little bit like I was like, man, this guy was a Mexican.
His wife is actually just a cloud of dust with a rolling pin like it
was. It's just so like he's so ethnic and so emotional. It's that's
that's the boss. That's but that's okay, it's on the right side of
the boss for us. It's fun, it's fine, it's close, but
it's not. Oh fuck. It kills me every time, to the point
where I just start doing it to my wife and she's like, please fucking
stop, because that's the only one he wants to listen to her. Yeah,
the day we can't be raisedst story of Italians is the day that's a
sad day. That's when I check out off. Yeah, I'm fucking biting
the cyanide pill. So Innocence up there now and he's got support of everybody,
and Antclius is excommunicated. Innocent then gets the king of the Holy Roman
Empire, Lothair the Third, to attack Rome. At first, he doesn't
get it, but Lothair tries again, and he doesn't get it again.
He cannot take Rome. Finally, though, finally, in eleven thirty eight,
after eight years of this shit, Innocent defeats Antaclidus by just waiting about
Anticleius died. Yeah, I imagine Innocent has more resources as the pope.
Uh well, Anaclidus is in Rome. Oh wow, in Templar behind him.
So Innocent has the Knights Templar and France and England. So died.
Basically he just waited him. He just waited and died. So he got
to be Pope cool in Rome, hold up in in uh Saint Peter's Basilica,
and he had his own royal supporters, specifically the King of Sicily,
who were going to get to in a second to to circle it all back
around. But Antaclytus, yeah, he uh, he just fucking died in
eleven thirty eight, and everyone else was like, all right, I'm whatever.
There's one pope now, but okay, now you're pope. Fuck fuck
it if you survive longer, yeah, okay you God chose you. I
guess yeah. Yeah. So no, they didn't try to elect someone else
and be like no, you're still bullshit. They were just everyone that's a
lot of work. It's it was too much. They were just like,
fine, I guess God sorted it out. Thanks, you're you can.
You can finally be pope now, Pope Innocent, the second Antclytus is dead
whatever. So unfortunately for the people who supported Antaclidus, Innocent holds grudges petty
motherfucker. He's a petty motherfucker, especially like a petty pope. I like
a petty person. Petty's kind of fun. This dude's both I t how
you become an all time great petty Jordan given like his entire Hall of Fame
speech just being twenty minutes of everybody that wronged him. It's amazing. It's
pure entertaining. When you get to the point where it's like, I'm the
greatest of all time, and here is everybody that got in my way.
It's incredible. It feels wrong that he gets like the same Hall of Fame
induction as like Gary Payton. Nobody else should be inducted the same year Jordan
gets inducted. But so the pope. He was like, fuck everyone who
supported Anacletus, but especially fuck the King of Sicily Roger the Second, which
is a hilarious name for Roger, Roger the Second King. Roger. Yeah,
I don't know if I can respect that. I mean King Bill,
like okay, Bill, not William, Yeah, just Bill, just Bill,
just fucking built. So prior to Anacletus's death, like I said,
Roger was his biggest supporter, and he kicked a lot of ass in support
of Antalytis, Like he fucking was helping beat back load there and all this
stuff. The Kings of France, England and lee forementioned Load there all went
to war with him, and uh like he paid a lot to support Antaclyte
as well, right when it seems like a good resource to have, though,
I don't know if I'm going to take him out, Roger, Yeah,
maybe bring him on your side. Yeah he's murking all your dudes and
everything like that, Like yeah, just kind of like game respect game dude,
hit the portals open, ancalidics World coach left, come on over,
come on into team, the only pope that's left. We're literally the only
game in town. So he this supporting Antaclytus was not easy for Roger because
he had to fight a lot. His holdings in southern Italy all revolted against
him. They were like, all right, sweet, he can't put the
army here right now, so we're out. Yeah. Also, the Eastern
Roman Empire somehow threw the emperor threw in his lot against Roger as well,
like everyone, Uh oh yeah, so that's what it was. So sorry,
So he had to fight, you know, the Pope's guys. And
then when he was away doing that, his southern holdings in Italy revolted,
and the Eastern Roman Empire was like, who was also a Mediterranean power?
Like the Kingdom of Sicily, which was basically a Norman kingdom. The Normans
took it over. We'll get to that in a second as well, But
the Eastern Roman Empire was like, oh sweet, this other Mediterranean power is
busy. Blood in the water, let's fuck with them. Yeah, there's
blood in the water, let's get it. Yeah. So it didn't matter
though. Roger and his force has completely held their own. They put down
rebellions, they fended off load. There he's fighting on like three fronts and
fucking handling it. He was Big Innocent's biggest problem the entire time. But
after Anacletus dies, Roger's like, fuck, okay, fine, that's the
wrong way to make a name. Well, so if you're you know,
your guy dies being infamous not great, No, No, it's truly not.
I mean maybe actually, do you know who? There's a fun little
side fact that would never really be able to do a whole episode. Do
you know who? One of Mark Anthony and Cleopatra's biggest supporters was was it
you heard of him? Was it Octavian? No, Octavians who they fought
again? They thought, right, okay, yeah, so you heard of
this guy. I just watched the whole thing on Cleopatra. I should fucking
know this. I don't Julius Caesar, he was dead, He's That's that's
what caused some of the issues. King Herod Herod. Herod was on Mark
Anthony and Cleopatra side. At the time. The Kingdom of Judah was a
protectorate of the Roman Empire or Roman Republic. I should say, oh so,
and Herod sided with I guess the people closest to him. And look
what happened. Well, after the Battle of Actium he went to Octavian Caesar
Augustus and UH was like, hey, my bad, but I hope you
will at least like I'm down to work with you now, and I hope
you will least acknowledge that well, I may have been loyal to the wrong
side, I was loyal to the end, and I will give that loyalty
to you now if you'll let me keep the throne. Don't cut he did.
Yeah, fucking this was before Jesus was born, and Herod was there
to try to stab Jesus in the fucking head. That's true. But yeah,
King Herod, Herod, you know what, for all intents and purposes,
very loyal and six to his guns, he does. Yeah, but
yeah, So Roger Anacletus dies in eleven thirty eight. Roger was like,
okay, well, I'm gonna try to get my position now recognized by Pope
Innocent. You know that I'm King of Sicily. Uh. But the Pope
was like, now you're a dick, and uh, I don't he Actually,
the Pope was like, fuck you, you've been a dick. So
here's what I'm gonna do. I will recognize it. But part of your
holdings in southern Italy, Capua, they're gonna be into that rebelled. They're
like, they're gonna be independent because I want a bum state between you and
me, because you just beat the shit out of my guys for a while.
And Roger was like, absolutely not any state at war. It was
eleven thirty eight. A couple months later, the Council, the second Council
of La Terra can't even fucking remember that the name of it's so stupid of
the lateran takes place in eleven thirty nine where they outlaw ranged weapons. Uh,
yep, Christians on Christians, m Pope innocent in the summer of eleven
thirty nine. So after that council invaded the Kingdom of Sicily with a large
army. Did he have crossbows in his army? Sure? Did crossbows,
bos, all kinds of stuff like that. So he took he was trying
to hobble the competition. Yeah, and not follow his own rules. Yeah,
that's incredible. Well, why would you follow the rules you put in
place? Weird? Are you saying if you limit people's access to arms,
if you do that, you're If you're the one to do that, you
might still retain those arms. Weird? It's an argument I've heard before.
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softcore fifty to get fifty percent off. So he outlawed ranged weapons against other
Christians, saying you would be excommunicated if you use range weapons against other Christians.
More on that in a second. Roger how so innocent and invades Rogers
you know, territory with an army. But on July twenty second, eleven
thirty nine, Rogers Roger captured Pope Innocent. Oh shit, really yeah?
Do you think Pope innosent rolled up as like with all the things you weren't
supposed to have and be like, hey, by the way, you're not
a Christian excommunicated. Yeah, So they captured Pope Innocent and three days later
Rogers's title was confirmed. Interesting, So let's recap this timeline. Yeah real
quick, here, Innocent antclytic has become popes in eleven thirty there's eight years
of war basically between the Kingdom of Sicily and his pope and most of the
rest of Europe and their pope. Anaclytius dies in eleven thirty eight. Innocent
holds the Second Council of the Lateran in April eleven thirty nine to excommunicate Roger
and ban range weapons except against Muslims and people he deems heretics. Again,
there are people who might be compelled to believe that the pope with outlying range
weapons against Christians to protect the rich. But why pick the most interesting answer
when the pedantic, anti climatic answer is right there for you. It's never
the it's never interesting, It's never be These people never are thinking beyond their
own fucking nose. Yeah right, they do it for their own reason.
Now there's another reason, though, that Innocent would in particular have interest in
using range weapons against Muslims, but not having Christians be able to order their
troops to shoot Christians. Do you know when the Kingdom of Sicily was founded,
no, in eleven thirty by Roger the second. Before that, Sicily
was controlled until ten ninety one by Muslims, by the Caliphates, and then
the Normans and Vikings came in and were like, let's conquer some warm shit.
Tired of this weather. Yeah, you need a timeshare. In ten
ninety one, Uh, they conquered it from the Muslims. Uh. The
Caliphates had basically controlled Sicily since Islam had exploded out of the Arabian Peninsula,
and quite a few of Rogers' troops, particularly his archers, were Muslims.
Uh. So we can shoot your archers. But if your Christian officers order
your Muslim archers to shoot, yeah, yeah, that'll be excommunicated and not
get to go to Heaven if you give that order. But you get some
mercenaries from the Islamic side to start giving orders, fucking let it, let
it fly. But if you even utter that. But if you order the
guys to give the order, yeah, you just have your entire archery team
be Muslim. The whole archery team was. But the officers giving the orders
were yeah, transitively, you have an archery Muslim officer. But there's always
gonna be one guy that's to be a Christian at the top in this army.
There's no like autonomous guy that's like because even then he just go to
a group of Muslims, like do whatever you want. I don't want to
know. Yeah, but like even then, that's still I guess as long
as it's like you're I'm just leaving these bows and arrows here, I'm not
telling you what to do with them, Like that's how you do it.
Yeah, they're judged here. I like that by the way that the pope
is like, God doesn't care if you were just following orders. That's a
that's not the case either though, isn't it like if you're fighting for country,
doesn't God. Isn't God cool with it? Not to not going to
this pope? I don't like that pope. He's innocent. That's a pr
tactic. I've ever heard it. That's how you know the other guy's the
legit pope because he picked the dumbest fucking names and a kletis. Yeah,
I don't know who the fuck. It just sounds like a Mexican American war
general. How many there are a lot of anti popes? Weren't there?
It was quite a few. See how many popes were there? But I
think we've mentioned at least three. Yeah, well we did the three Popes
episode, right, did we do that? No, there have been thirty
seven anti popes see not including Pope Francis thirty eight if you believe that pre
he is a Jesuit. So there's a lot of Catholics who really don't fucking
like Jesuits. So essentially, why did Pope innocen't want to get rid of
range weapons to disarm the populace? No, to protect the ruling class?
Maybe a little bit, it didn't hurt, but really it was for his
own, very specific, very immediate needs. In fact, I assume he
knew this probably wasn't enforceable, and it was just like a let's throw this
in here, see if it gets anybody. Yeah, the unwritten laws,
yeah yeah, but written yeah. No. I mean it's a good it's
a if you have the ability to give yourself an advantage, why would you
not. It's you always take advantage of everything you can. And I wonder
I didn't look this up, but it wouldn't surprise me if maybe, like
Sicily had like pretty good archers too, you know what I mean, Like
maybe that was an excellent a strength of their forces that could be is that
they were excellent, you know, they had excellent ranged weapons, and so
that was an extra incentive for innoc and to be like, you know what,
you can't use those, but I can, but you can't. Right.
Weirdly, it reminds me of Nick Saban, Like, well, Nick
Saven takes advantage of everything. Oh yeah, but you know, like anytime
there's a big rule change in college football, he'll just be like, you
guys really make a mistake and like, I just don't think this was good
for college football. And he says that knowing damn full well, he is
going to exploit that. Oh well, that's the thing. He's like,
you guys don't really want to give me that one. Please stop doing much.
Yeah, I'm just going to hurt you more and more if you don't
want to do it, I'm never going to die. And that's pretty much
the end of the story. Fun fact, it is still considered immoral by
the Catholic Church today to shoot another Christian with a bow and arrow, but
not a gun. Oh that too, probably just can't kill another Christian with
a gun. The Pope would still be mad at you today if you if
you walked up to another be really mad if you murdered somebody. What if
only with a gun? I'm I feel like it's the murder more than the
weapon, so I think makes it so much worse. He's given us permission
to stab. Yeah, it's like just short blades, baby, run up.
That's all I got for today. Boys, Uh well, I learned
what'd you learn? What did I learn today? I learned we have a
bumper sticker. We gotta make a sap. Yeah, yeah, Pope,
not my pop hashtag it. We need to get it going people. There
might be a lot of Catholics that buy that on iron. We need a
young pope. We need you, yeah, Pope with the hope that smokes
six. We do need to pope that smokes six. Dude, Just get
like a like ray band cigarette smoking Pope. A with it, Pope?
Yeah, yeah, I kind of want to deal with it, Pope.
I mean most popes probably fucks, just not the right way. I'm I
think France is fucked it the right way. Ope, I hope. Who
knows? What had I actually learned? Though? I think that truthfully,
it's not surprised I learned about this in general. But I learned that,
yeah, like the y I'm trying to my words are bad right now.
But I learned that, like the Kingdom of Sicily was actually pretty like good
at utilizing people that came over. Oh yeah, yeah, like the Normans
really Norman, Okay, what is a Norman. He's a part of France,
Normandy, France, from the Normandy region of France. I have a
hard time, like yeah, because I'm like Burgundians, what the fuck?
And it's like, oh, different part of France. Yeah yeah, yeah
yeah, like oh right, And Normans were great at wars. I mean
look ten ninety one they conquered Sicily. That's uh man, when did they
conquer England in ten sixty Yeah, so thirty years after that they took the
English strone, they took Sicily, and they were they were doing work.
Yeah. I really need to get back into like figuring out distinct disinbiguations between
like Burgundians and Normans and Flemish people and all this different shit. I'll be
real with you. I'll never do that. I want you because like it
helps so much because of how like fluid everything was during these like Middle Ages.
Yeah right, Like it's tough to keep track of it in my mind
because the names all change so much too. I just enjoy that the Normans
were just like just like unstoppable for like fucking I don't know, a hundred
years. Yeah, just like randomly out of nowhere, they're like, you
know what, dude, We're pretty fucking good to go. Yeah. I
learned that the Art of war left out some pretty obvious advice that we learned
today, which is, if your enemy, if you can ban your enemy
from having the weapons you can use, always do it. Yeah, always
do that. Always tell them that what they're doing is immoral, which I
think we kind of do all the time now we oh, yeah, more
than any time more than three people are killed, like on a battlefield,
it's just genocide. Actually, we're just telling them it's a moral it's a
new buzz term. Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Who's today's Hitler?
Hm hmmm uh. I kind of want to say that pope, the pope
that died actually for just being a bitch. I'm not gonna say. I'm
gonna say it's pop in iss in the second because much like Hitler, he
died yeah in the second, you know, but he has his right to
try and defend himself. I guess being a hypocrite doesn't make you Hitler.
He did steal the election, or he was kind of they stole the elect
he was part of the stolen elections. It seems like it was more hammish.
That was kind of Actually that is kind of like a hey, let's
dissolve the constitution. Let's do this the way I need it to be,
in the power I want, right, Yeah, So I mean yeah,
it's actually very Hitler rescue in a way. Yeah, yeah, no,
Yeah, it's Pope Innocent the second for me. For me, I'm going
Father Ramon Guidetti of the Diocese of Lavarneo, who declared Pope Francis and anti
Pope. I'm gonna go with Ryan the Lionheart because he didn't make such a
as big of a name as his brother. Yeah, always living in that
shadow. That's all I got for today again, check out the Patreon patreon
dot com slash softcore history. Five dollars a month gets you a ton of
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that is all I got. So for Dan Rogester and Jake Goldman,
I'm Rob Fox. He just got a saucer