M Comity Central Podcast. Hahahaha Good night? Good night? Jaaa, good
night? Some of you may think that I say this to say something Good
night. It' s super well thought out. To start this show and
one day I get up a stage without thinking too much and I said hello,
hello, hello, four Japanese sitting in the front row. He got
up and they freaked out. Jar if all the jokes you have to comment
on between you until the pills I liked here this morning. Anyway, I
' m here today in the Slavic very happy. I' ve been treated
like a fucking waitress. He tells me you' re the bad guy,
I say yes and he tells me to watch you get warmed up. I
make you a cubata and put you a straw that I say if it is
to heat, I could do it backwards ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Anyway, I introduce myself, I always present myself with the phrase that
my password wife has in her hotmail. I love you very much Alberto that
modito truth, my name is Ramón Tartas and I come from a small town
and Girona I don' t know if you know it called the beach of
hoop, what in English would be biach or coal hop and those that we
are from town And I, when I leave, I lose the pussy.
I heard about my house this morning. I put the GPS Madrid Calle Arenal
that when I just wrote a GPS was already in Zaragoza pussy and I give
it to the ok and give it what there is. The GP is done
to me so I say shit. I' ve had to resort to everything
typical to ask the abritas on the street and a ball, passing the dog
under the glass, I say I' m like I' m going to
fuck with the ball of the balls. I' m sorry, ma'
am I' m fine to go where I' m going, and the
lady' s whole show answers me straight. What do I say if I
didn' t say it, where I' m going. The only place
you can go is shit and it' s over there. And he said
second problem and came here today to isolate all love. Two chicks at the
door who were really hot. I step in the middle and when one of
us passes by he says to his friend Mira, Mira, Auntie, how
strong. This guy looks a lot like the one who fucks me last month
that, by the way, aunt a mess in bed we' re going
to see. I want to make it clear that I don' t look
like that guy at all. It is I who finish the foot. Tells
me you' re the typical cheap- eyed pencil guy who runs right away.
I say yes, I mean, you know that you' re the
typical aunt and you' re clear by moderate and functional. I say no,
because you' re so easy to ride, but I' ll flip
for a moment. I don' t know if you know it Today it
' s exactly two hundred days since the singer died This is the my wing
house, which I say is weird that she died with what the kid took
care of, not that they did the autopsy. The coroner saw his arms
and said pussy we liked them. You already have the road open, at
least not that now they were going to incinerate and jump to the coroner and
say don' t be animals that a bootahumeiru pussy will appear, but it
goes totally and I' m going to make a monologue. When the monologue
is over. If, for whatever reason, one of you doesn' t
like it, you have my permission, you can spit at me, you
can insult me, you can throw things at me I sweat. I'
m completely used to it. I have been eight and a half years of
regional football referee that one of you thought why Catalan pussy for pasta. Don
' t think about a game You get paid more than 100 euros in total.
You have to run ninety- five minutes ninety behind the ball, five
at the end of Adeno. The people who are after you first arbitrating party
in Madrid. I' m never gonna forget it. I touched a small
residential neighborhood of the periphili of Madrid, blessed bread, ja ja ja no,
that the one that I was there was me eh five minutes before passing
the game knocks at the door of my wardrobe. The patriarch of the blessed
bread gypsies comes into my locker room and tells me I' m subtitled.
Good afternoon. Collegial sir, hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I read in the newspaper that you
come from Chirona, that you strained you that half of us have been to
Chirona as well. People here talk mushumically and we do, but don'
t worry that I' m here to protect you and keep an eye on
you. And you' re not going to happen to Nina and I swear
to you by the Cross of the Christ of great power that I' ve
been hanging here in authentic gold of twenty- four kilobatio, that nobody'
s going to straw to you. Guy' s going to think hell bon
roll. Five seconds later he comes back in and tells me, but let
' s not lose that I say shit, I go out on the field,
field draw, throw the coin in the air he' s never seen
it again. We had to do the stone draw, paper scissors that jumps
to the Captain of Blessed Bread and tells me stone and paper. We don
' t smoke it here, I say curious poles. For the curious.
The match ended two to zero in favor of the team of Pan Bliss,
two goals of penalty. The usual bad guy always thought he was telling me
for sure that those penalties were doubtful by my balls, that they weren'
t invented directly. No, but not apart from that game, my mother
accompanied me back home. My mother in the car tells me look, my
son, I love you very much, but it' s the last time
she' s with you at a game of these. I say why,
' cause people talk more about me than you that smells ask for reason,
no, and that I' m hairy as a referee. And I have
problems in my personal life. I, for example, have on my Facebook
one hundred and eighty- five friends and eight thousand seven hundred and eighty-
nine enemies who write to me on my wall. You son of a bitch.
We' re gonna kill you. I put it, I don'
t like it. Another one gets me one day I don' t shit
on your father, it' s just like me and one even wrote me
one day. He fucks your mother yesterday. I' ll take her.
I know this guy. I' m going to answer him for once you
fuck, don' t presume so much dad pulled that me. I don
' t want to talk about Facebook here, which many comics have already talked
about Facebook, but I do have Facebook and it' s a thing that
surprises me that Facebook that shows that we' re ass fools, I have
four thousand eight hundred seventy- three friends and the guy comes out in the
picture. So I say you have a friend that I can take a fucking
picture and aside Facebook, it lacks things that puts status. I went to
the woods this afternoon with my girlfriend Mariona and our dog Dunia to look for
mushrooms in case we find tits that we tell you tonight at Tita' s
ball house and then we' ll watch a movie that you can put on.
I like it, I don' t like it, I mean foul.
The most important one is I sweat it, because that doesn' t
matter to anyone. Cost I take care that I, because of Facebook,
have been three months that I don' t talk to my mother. My
mother has signed up for computer courses for the insert I say, Mom,
why do you sign up for computer courses at your age, not to be
able to communicate with my friends. I mean, sign up for daughter courses.
Better, sir, see, my mom' s got the other day
telling me I' m going to see my friends I won' t be
back late. I say don' t fuck with you, I' ll
give you eight o' clock for my mother to go for a walk in
the cemetery with a friend who was cut off from her foot a month ago.
He' s got him buried and they' ll see that I say
this yes, that he' s a foot in the pussy grave and this
lady Catalana, when she got the bill to bury her foot, the very
smart aunt. He returned it with a note that he wrote and I'
ll pay for everything together with Miraguel. But since I' m talking about
cemeteries, I' ve come here a few days is a little rough for
me. Fifteen days ago my wife died. I' ve had three women
in my life. All three of them have left me. The first time
I always said you don' t have a personality, you don' t
know how to command, because he sent me to fuck. The second one
left me because he said I was unfaithful to him. It wasn' t
my fault, it was the drinking. I would go out with her on
a party, get drunk and double track and always fuck the one she wasn
' t. And the third one I said died 15 days ago. The
poor woman died in someone else' s bed and it was just this other
one who called me on the phone to give me the news and I asked
her what was typical. You know if he died suffering, he told me
he didn' t see that he was dead. While they were doing it.
I say make sure she' s monser, because when she did it
with me she looked dead, but no and the guy I' m just
calling me on the phone to go to her house to get the cold and
I get there and I call a very expensive hearse. I say fuck off.
I' ll take her in my car. I have a wide car.
I got a Nissan Micra, we put her in the car between the
two of us. When we put him in, I see that my wife
' s lover puts the belt that I say very well yes, sir,
so that he doesn' t kill himself and he starts driving and the Civil
Guard' s five kilometers of alcohol control, right in front of the slut
club the Horna whale, which I say I look at how well thought out
the kids waiting for their moms to get out of work and get to the
Colemia count under the glass. The Civil Guard stares at my wife, who
was white as paper and tells me that lady is his wife. I mean,
it was and I don' t want to know that I' d
have to drink grapes. I mean, it already takes twelve every end of
the year. Don' t touch me It' s the egg. I
don' t do the negative clemia control that by the way, you remember
the 17- or 8- year- old Alcolemia controls, that the blood
alcohol limit was zero eighty, zero eighty shit you went out of a completely
drunk party, you blew yourself out and you gave zero seventy- eight and
the Civil Guard told you. You saw nothing but the limit. I'
m saying I can' t fucking either. I do negative control to celebrate
it. I' m going to take four copichuelas to the club and when
I leave they stole my car with the cold inside. I call the Civil
Guard. Typical police question. You had some value inside the car. I
mean courage. The GP is the cell phone, the sunglasses are nothing more.
I mean courage. I don' t say later, he' s
also been to my wife who jumps the Civil Guard and says this guy is
my hero, he goes off to hookers and leaves the woman in the car.
Yes, sir, but when your wife dies, there are two essential
phone calls that you always have to make. First your mother- in-
law to give the news. I thought I' d tell you in a
subtle way. We' re not going to impact you, Mrs Antonia,
on the number of daughters that you had subtracted from one and the second way
you have to do is not important to me, but it' s a
lot harder than you have to make the mobile phone company to unsubscribe to the
mobile phone of the dead woman. There' s no balls. I'
m not going to explain. I' m gonna do it because it was
so that' s what I called the Seister and nine. This is what
happened one Catalan catalan decommissioning a mobile phone. Death, no, not that
the headline died and no longer needs it. They' re going to put
me through to an operator who speaks Catalan. You' re good afternoon.
You already have Don Gabriel Jesús José of the Department of Attention to Gilipolla and
this one I know here that you are Don Ramón Tarta Masager, tell me
please, where Ramon a name so I can address you. Chuck Norris,
this Mr Chuck, tells me the operator that you want the phone down.
Mobile deceased. I' ve passed away. Yeah, it' s me
this one why he wants to give you guys down the phone. I say
I know, because where they' re going to put me. I'
m not gonna have to cover, but it' s more than I'
m gonna call them freaking out Look. Let' s do one thing.
I give you the new billing address of the holder and you send him the
bills and agree, take note of streets of the souls at rest municipal cemetery
of the almudera that by fo. Thank you, but, well, 15
days ago my wife died. It' s all right and four days ago
my sentimental life laughed, a wonderful date with a multimillion- dollar girl from
Barcelona, a girl who had so much money that as a child when she
wrote the letter to the Magi I would put Dear Kings Magi, if there
' s anything you need for this Christmas, you just have to ask me.
I was afraid of pasta. I invite myself to dinner at the best
restaurant in Barcelona, which is called Messo Ston ship paidtituusiel translated Spanish, take
out the visa that we founded it and you arrive to this restaurants and you
have noticed that always receives you the same character, that is a metre faggot.
You get there and you get the guy. Good evening, Mr Felveny
Anstaran, and I look at you as French. No, sir, I
' m from Murcia, God, because stop fucking with me, not that
I have to be French. The whole Glamour thing. Well we sat at
the table Nuria which is what it' s called the millionaire. She'
s telling me poor shit she' s got a job to do. I
' m not saying, there' s no big deal. You' d
like to make yourself French for the day. I see I' d love
to, but with the ribs I don' t get pussy and sit down
and ask first I went. People think he was a word that sees French.
It wasn' t right. Since when you look at the letter and
see the price, you say fua. Hence the name of second Lubina comes
to the reduction of port. You, the bass and the port don'
t see them anywhere, but the reduction sure in these restaurants those little ones
like that, what a nuria that you do a lot of girls on me
tells me you. I can take a little bit of what I say Eat
your stuff I' d love to, but with the ribs I don'
t get wet. I say I was the caste and bequeath the moment to
choose the wine. For those who have no divine fucking idea like me,
in the Letter to the Right there is a little number followed by the euro
symbol. That' s a clue. You have to take neither the most
expensive nor the most baratio. Specifically I took one that was worth 180 euros,
the bottle and the metre always says the same thing. Excellent lesson.
Sir it is an exquisite good of one thousand nine hundred eighty and two that
I say one hundred eighty euros and expired sons of bitches, that comes the
metres with the bottle, the uncle gives me of cork and the faggot gives
me the cap, that I say keep it for you that you need more
than my pussy and thanks, and the uncle comes and serves me a ridiculous
supid in the cup. To taste it, how to taste the glass of
an expensive restaurant. You have to play a game that consists of trying to
get the wine out of the glass, so there are no balls. It
doesn' t come out. Then you have to read it, you'
ll freak out. It smells like wine. It always smells like wine.
There' s the typical understanding. This wine has cinnamon aromas. I say
cane bouquets will have your fucking mother wine or wine. The guy insists not
that he has cinnamon scents. I mean, dream, with you, what
you' ve given and fuck, that' s true. You and it
' s time to pay the bill. Comes the subway with the count with
an ear- to- ear smile like you' re going to shit.
Leave the count the table nuria picks up and says let me invite you.
Me, me. No. No, please, and I' m off
no, no, no, no, I insist on payment, I look
at the bill. He' s completely banned. I mean, okay,
you pay and Nuria pays with the platinum visa. Platinum visa is not left
in the term platinum visa. You have to throw it away with disgust.
Thus I make clear, I had not seen navi that plate in my life.
I say Nuria, I say Nuria this platinum visa thing that is and
Nuria explains it to me. The platinum visa. The same word says it
' s for exclusive people like me, for me it' s platinum.
I say aha and one when. Thank you, we have still paid well
for the metres with a box of cigars that invites us to pure pussy me,
who is Catalan. If it' s free, I' ll take
the fattest and it' s happened to us at the weddings these cigars give
you. So fat that you' re smoking half an hour and when you
' re dizzy lost, you look at the cigar and you see that it
' s added only two percent of the cigar that aside from the Treaty,
so much to endure the cigar with your mouth. You' re in pain
here that you' re really freaking out girls come out of the restaurant and
on the door of the restaurant have hung a picture of these modern art.
I stare at the painting and the metres come from behind to instruct me like
our latest picture of tasteful bojoolet. I don' t understand what the fuck
it is I explain to you, sir, this painting has the particularity that
if you look it upside down such that you have, you will be able
to see perfectly drawn the silhouette to city of Mahattan. What do you think
of the picture, sir I say you hung it upside down um normal and
now I' m leaving the restaurant and we' re going with Nuria to
have a drink to these bars that are now fashionable in drinks, which are
design that is nua. Nuria asks for an eighteen- year- old whiskey
that I say this aunt likes all the old stuff. When he gets on
my toledo ninety- four, he' s going to freak out and I
ask for a ginton and the waiter comes and he gives me ice gin grape
kiwi cucumber, strawberry, raspberryberry, lemon slice, orange slice. I mean,
I' m not paying you. I asked you to snton and you
put Macedonia on me. What' s wrong with people with the sintonics,
or fuck. We' re dumb on the lighted waiter. He gives me
his reasons. He tells me it' s not so you don' t
notice the taste of gin. So, thank you very much, son of
a bitch. If I didn' t want the taste of gin to show.
I would have asked you for a fluke, one me all that total
eggs I come out of the sea without a hard one. I' m
going to the ATM to get more money. I put the card in the
slot and from the ground I hear a voice that tells me you have a
cigarette. You can see it was the homeless residence of the cashier. I
give him the cigarette, the guy takes it and throws it in my face.
This is bullshit. It' s light, I mean light, it
' s nicotine- free, I mean, and you complain that you don
' t have nicotine, you don' t have carpet, you don'
t have a miserable couch, and we don' t know that. We
leave the bar and go straight to the hotel with Nuria, super luxury five
star hotel. I like the hotels of a lifetime, the hotels that you
ask for the key in reception and give you a key with a chain and
at the end of the canita a block of ice- cold concrete that if
you, pererror you come out with that key of fun, it seems of
the Doctor House that you can not walk, because here it is not.
Here' s a chip card for those of you who don' t know
what a chip is. A car of these pipe up the mountain all or
you hit him with the card, with the chip at the door of the
room. And there' s no fucking way to open that door. You
never know what to do with the card if you put it in, if
you put it in and take it out if I went through the null,
if I brought it in. So the total door half an hour to open
the door and when you enter there is no light, you lower the reception
and tell him of reception in the room there is no light and you say
uncle it is not that I tell you you put the card in a slot.
I mean, if there' s no light, I don' t
see the fucking pussy slot at the end with the cell phone, I see
the hrandura, I put the fucking card in. What a cool room.
You a bed of two meters for two meters, a fan on the ceiling,
an operation and it comes time to make love with nuria, luxury hotel,
water bed. You' ve done it once. In a water bed
it is impossible enough already to compare your movements with those of hers as to
be on top of the waves that you generate in the bed that if you
depart, you send nude to the ceiling and say nothing happens. So it
happens, because when he catches the fucking beater, he sends her to fuck
off. Sure, yeah, there' s no way to end the sex
act. I had to fake an orgasm. Ah ah, ah, you
' ll laugh it' s gonna be cando ha eight times. I get
to sleep, because guys, after taking a break, we only know how
to do three things or smoke or snoring or pay to go home. There
' s no other one. The next day I wake up, I put
on the chandal I say I' m going to run, as there is
one I could and it turns out that from these expensive hotel rooms you can
not leave. Why. Because hanging from the door there' s a little
letter that says don' t bother me saying what the fuck you' re
doing out of the hall so I can' t get out. I mean,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. I' ll turn it around. Worse,
I had to go to the vacuum cleaner, scrub the bathroom, clean the
dust. Ah you the room and apart you have noticed that there is behind
the door there is a plan with the floor of the hotel, which puts
a super curious instruction in case of fire. You' re here, I
say and now I' m burning, where the fuck am I fucking,
but good enough to say goodbye, I' m gonna leave you with Nuria.
It was a girl who taught me something very valuable, who taught me
how to make love with a woman and taught me how to do it in
a very didactic way. One day I came home, I found her naked
in bed, with her legs open and in the cave of love I had
put a picture of the King of Morocco that I say and this and tells
me to wet me, first I turn her around. And on the buttonhole
was a leaf of rose that I say and this and tells me petal,
for nothing, that' s all. Thank you so much, oh,
pleasure to be here. Thank you so much.