WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.280 --> 00:00:06.679 The opinions expressed by Chayo Busquets are supported by his extensive experience as a family 2 00:00:07.000 --> 00:00:12.560 therapist and in the previous analysis of the cases presented here welcome. This is 3 00:00:12.679 --> 00:00:20.320 Chayo with you. At Joya we start very good afternoon to everyone as I 4 00:00:20.359 --> 00:00:26.440 am Chayo Busquets, this is Chayo with you. With our guest, who 5 00:00:26.879 --> 00:00:35.439 this year already joins as our specialist in couples therapy. Last year we had 6 00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:40.759 the pleasure. Well, we already had the pleasure of having her here for 7 00:00:40.759 --> 00:00:44.240 the first time. Then, given the success of her programme, we repeated 8 00:00:44.359 --> 00:00:49.960 again in December the programme we had had with her. We present them to 9 00:00:50.039 --> 00:00:53.960 you and well, without any doubt, as I was already talking to you 10 00:00:54.039 --> 00:00:58.759 out of the air and as you already started to listen to it on Fridays 11 00:00:58.840 --> 00:01:03.159 because you already joined us full with us every Friday in your segment, because 12 00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:08.480 you are here with us and this is your first program of the year, 13 00:01:08.760 --> 00:01:12.599 complete program in which we will be talking about all those things. Well, 14 00:01:12.599 --> 00:01:19.760 those of you that systematically hurt partner relationships beyond the agreements that each of you 15 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:23.879 has in your own relationship, but those that are known to consistently hurt partner 16 00:01:25.560 --> 00:01:34.159 relationships. So here he is with us tar and trot and welcome. Oh, 17 00:01:34.599 --> 00:01:37.480 thank you so much for inviting me back, not good, because you 18 00:01:37.519 --> 00:01:40.359 know you' re here to stay. This is your house. Thank you 19 00:01:40.359 --> 00:01:42.200 very much. No more. I want to tell the listeners that I have 20 00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:46.040 a cold not for a month and then I' m going to get my 21 00:01:46.079 --> 00:01:48.760 voice out or I' m going to show up snoring, no, but 22 00:01:48.760 --> 00:01:48.760 I don' t think they' re going to think I' m not. 23 00:01:48.840 --> 00:01:51.840 I' m interested not at all, not at all, not at 24 00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:56.560 all. Let' s see my dear tar where we get him Look, 25 00:01:57.079 --> 00:02:00.480 let' s get him into this. Of me I do not necessarily call 26 00:02:00.560 --> 00:02:07.120 it customs, this certain patterns that we all make. No And within what 27 00:02:07.159 --> 00:02:15.800 greatly hurts couple relationships is the famous criticism OK. And within the chapter of 28 00:02:15.840 --> 00:02:19.599 criticism, I' d like to make a difference between complaint and complaint. 29 00:02:20.199 --> 00:02:24.439 OK. Well, complaint has to do with the past where you don' 30 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:30.879 t look for a solution. This is like an out of tune violin. 31 00:02:31.439 --> 00:02:34.680 It' s not like you didn' t do it. This is all 32 00:02:34.759 --> 00:02:38.199 that happened. While a claim, one of the claim parts is re again 33 00:02:38.520 --> 00:02:45.439 I don' t cry that comes from clamor that comes to say, hear 34 00:02:45.439 --> 00:02:50.800 the voice, leave it, leave it, follow a claim and it' 35 00:02:50.879 --> 00:02:54.159 s something that you and I had hoped for or something that you and I 36 00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:57.599 had decided, it' s already giving us. Then, when we are 37 00:02:57.639 --> 00:03:00.479 dedicated to complaining, to complaining about nothing, it will serve us, because 38 00:03:00.479 --> 00:03:05.479 what we want is to change and move towards the future. One example is 39 00:03:06.039 --> 00:03:12.120 that I' m very angry with you, because we had agreed that you 40 00:03:12.159 --> 00:03:15.639 were going to go through the kids or you were going to go through me 41 00:03:15.800 --> 00:03:20.439 no, and that disappointed me. I' m going to wait for the 42 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:24.439 next time we don' t talk and settle, instead of saying yes, 43 00:03:24.599 --> 00:03:29.199 it' s either you' re an idiot or in the case it' 44 00:03:29.319 --> 00:03:30.960 s just that you' re a quitter. So that' s a criticism. 45 00:03:31.400 --> 00:03:35.960 It doesn' t help to move, it doesn' t help to 46 00:03:36.159 --> 00:03:39.639 build, it doesn' t help to be close any more, more than 47 00:03:39.639 --> 00:03:44.800 everything brings fear. It brings this fear to judgment, it' s going 48 00:03:44.840 --> 00:03:46.240 to be a matter that separates us, et cetera. So, yes, 49 00:03:46.319 --> 00:03:52.439 I want to put this quite different between complaining and claiming, and criticism comes 50 00:03:52.520 --> 00:03:59.680 in that the person and can be and pointing out that you are selfish. 51 00:04:00.439 --> 00:04:02.759 If I tell you you' re selfish, because it' s already messed 52 00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:05.719 up, because then it' s a part of who I am. If 53 00:04:05.919 --> 00:04:13.039 one says this act contains selfishness, no, then one can change, because 54 00:04:13.080 --> 00:04:16.800 the other will not feel attacked. You have to make a difference between who 55 00:04:17.240 --> 00:04:23.199 I am and what it has to do with being and what I do that 56 00:04:23.240 --> 00:04:26.040 can be changed without any doubt, because the first one puts you on the 57 00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:28.920 defensive. You don' t need to defend yourself. Yeah, and that 58 00:04:29.040 --> 00:04:32.040 ' s how And and the defense, as we know, is something almost 59 00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:35.399 instinctive and it also has to do with how it hasn' t gone to 60 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:39.040 the fair of what kind of family we come from. There are families where 61 00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:44.920 the criticism is intense, when I told you about certain schools, where you 62 00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:48.279 go and you have a teacher who always tells you not to realize that why 63 00:04:48.519 --> 00:04:55.439 you do it go away, go home, then diminish your worth instead of 64 00:04:55.560 --> 00:05:00.120 being able to say we will do something about it, no doubt. No 65 00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:02.199 doubt about it. Uh, so the first thing you' d have to 66 00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:08.120 be thinking about, right now is how often you attack your partner or how 67 00:05:08.199 --> 00:05:12.759 often you point out to them where the possibility of change would be in the 68 00:05:13.160 --> 00:05:16.879 way we talk about and what we talk about, not in our way of 69 00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:24.319 going and coming from words constantly we don' t use what I consider to 70 00:05:24.319 --> 00:05:30.079 be called totalizing words, never, nobody, everything, etcetera. Every time, 71 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:33.279 not every time you talk to me or tell me happens. So, 72 00:05:33.319 --> 00:05:36.839 I' m not going to argue at all and not at all anyone, 73 00:05:36.839 --> 00:05:43.319 etcetera. So I recommend that those words, because or not they are not 74 00:05:43.360 --> 00:05:46.560 possible, nor is it all, nor is it ever, nor is it 75 00:05:46.560 --> 00:05:50.800 anyone, etcetera, and observe that what when we use them. We use 76 00:05:50.839 --> 00:05:57.000 them when we have despair, when we are angry, when we feel unconnected, 77 00:05:57.000 --> 00:06:00.399 etcetera. And what we' re claiming is probably that we' re 78 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:03.560 being seen, that we want listened to, and so on. But it 79 00:06:03.639 --> 00:06:08.000 comes out in a way where we look like dog not wow, etcetera. 80 00:06:08.240 --> 00:06:13.959 So, those totalizing words. You have to keep an eye on them They 81 00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:16.800 don' t help conversations in other places Maybe. Yeah, but finally, 82 00:06:17.040 --> 00:06:19.600 he never hit the ball right. Well, no, it' s not 83 00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:24.720 true. Not that one never exists at best. The only word where he 84 00:06:24.800 --> 00:06:29.600 is is never ever. No one has returned from the afterlife to tell us 85 00:06:29.639 --> 00:06:31.439 how clear it is. Is that right? That? Is that right? 86 00:06:31.680 --> 00:06:34.519 That' s true, but they' re very few of those truths. 87 00:06:34.959 --> 00:06:42.120 So criticism hurts, criticism stops, criticism judges. Criticism doesn' t help, 88 00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:46.639 it doesn' t build, and totalizing words don' t totally undermine 89 00:06:46.639 --> 00:06:54.519 conversation. Okay, okay, so I think you convinced us. That' 90 00:06:54.800 --> 00:06:59.639 s one, the other. The other one is what I' m going 91 00:06:59.680 --> 00:07:04.240 to tell you. But it' s disdain ok this, this I pull 92 00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:11.600 out of the Gotsman investigations. Don' t disdain where I feel superior, 93 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:15.839 not you. And when you feel superior, you feel superior, like here 94 00:07:15.879 --> 00:07:19.759 I can teach you with my hands. There' s an imbalance. Not 95 00:07:20.279 --> 00:07:26.079 one is up and one is down, then from above to wind. And 96 00:07:26.160 --> 00:07:30.720 this one we have in many other parts of our life. This is not 97 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:33.399 the rich versus the poor. Let' s say one class versus the other. 98 00:07:36.120 --> 00:07:41.439 We live it daily, we live it in different structures. It' 99 00:07:41.560 --> 00:07:45.959 s true that it doesn' t happen and we just incorporate it. It 100 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:48.920 happens a lot in certain families, where not the masculine is much more important 101 00:07:49.000 --> 00:07:55.279 than the feminine, where biology ends up being destiny than my point of view, 102 00:07:55.439 --> 00:08:01.720 is terrible. It' s you you can' t, and that 103 00:08:01.720 --> 00:08:05.360 makes you shrink, too. It doesn' t hurt her the soul hurts 104 00:08:05.480 --> 00:08:09.839 these deep parts where you' re superior and I' m inferior. No, 105 00:08:11.000 --> 00:08:16.240 what do you want me to do? And this being repetitively not to 106 00:08:16.800 --> 00:08:20.000 what we' re going to want to do is separate. That and I 107 00:08:20.040 --> 00:08:24.720 don' t know if it' s a physical separation, uh, necessarily 108 00:08:26.040 --> 00:08:31.919 an emotional separation, a psychological separation that you' re seeing that the building 109 00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:37.000 that they supposedly built together is necessarily starting to fall apart. You are given 110 00:08:37.080 --> 00:08:43.360 by the fact that traditionally the couple is heterosexual and comes from the difference between 111 00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:48.840 man and woman, and the man with the strongest or most definite power in 112 00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:54.399 history by his physical strength and because he was who was destined to leave, 113 00:08:54.960 --> 00:08:58.799 to bring and to provide and then all these ideas of the payer and the 114 00:08:58.840 --> 00:09:03.600 one who brings the money, then he has more, more power attributed and 115 00:09:03.639 --> 00:09:09.200 so on. Uh, that' s why this superiority was generated Look. 116 00:09:09.399 --> 00:09:11.879 I think it' s very interesting what you were saying. Not in this 117 00:09:13.039 --> 00:09:16.639 society, in those primitive societies, in fact, where man has more muscle 118 00:09:16.720 --> 00:09:20.440 mass in principle, no yes, more mascular, more ability to run, 119 00:09:20.639 --> 00:09:28.000 etcetera. Then you began to see the attributes, physical attributes, as superiors. 120 00:09:30.679 --> 00:09:33.080 But you have to know perfectly well that that hunting season, et cetera, 121 00:09:33.639 --> 00:09:37.240 was a joint matter. Not the man was there with the spear, 122 00:09:37.279 --> 00:09:43.120 etcetera, but the women made the noise to move the prey over there, 123 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:48.240 and from there it became a matter of superiority. There are certain civilizations. 124 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:54.879 There are still certain groups where the physical is important and that' s left 125 00:09:54.200 --> 00:09:58.720 there, not because I' m physically superior, so that' s superior 126 00:09:58.759 --> 00:10:01.840 to you, but it' s true. Places where that' s not 127 00:10:01.960 --> 00:10:05.799 true. I mean, you' re not looking at the physical issues, 128 00:10:05.799 --> 00:10:09.919 you' re costing yourself on the capabilities of abstraction, of conversation, of 129 00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:16.120 achievements, etc, which, as you know, all that is male energy 130 00:10:16.399 --> 00:10:20.320 that we also call not the yange to make it easier or someone ilian. 131 00:10:22.039 --> 00:10:26.080 And that' s what I think when you started seeing private property, we 132 00:10:28.480 --> 00:10:37.320 started having problems. Not because we used to be in the collective, we 133 00:10:37.360 --> 00:10:39.840 were in the community, we didn' t help each other. But since 134 00:10:39.919 --> 00:10:43.440 this is mine, no, this is mine, and what do I want 135 00:10:43.480 --> 00:10:46.039 to do with it and where am I going to give it to and who 136 00:10:46.120 --> 00:10:48.600 am I going to give it to? Then you start to control the woman 137 00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:52.000 a little bit because I' m not going to make me want to give 138 00:10:52.080 --> 00:11:00.440 this to a child that' s not mine. No, okay, well, 139 00:11:00.840 --> 00:11:03.279 this is one thing that I don' t know if it' s 140 00:11:03.279 --> 00:11:07.480 interesting or not. But Peter is or how, how we build, how 141 00:11:07.559 --> 00:11:09.440 we build it, and then his own private life. Who' s going 142 00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:13.039 to have the right, who' s working it, who' s being 143 00:11:13.080 --> 00:11:16.080 given it, who' s being inherited. And that' s where the 144 00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:22.360 woman gets out. No, I mean there were certain societies where even the 145 00:11:22.519 --> 00:11:26.840 widow had no right, not right to and there has changed and certain things 146 00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:33.320 have been dissing. Not that it also has to do with the posts has 147 00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:39.279 to be with who, who this one is and today, well, there 148 00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:43.600 is a cry of protest from prophet this one that is very valid. It 149 00:11:43.840 --> 00:11:48.519 ' s me, I' m the plant manager in the coke, being 150 00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:52.639 a woman, why I' m going to get less than a man manager 151 00:11:52.639 --> 00:11:54.679 from that same plant. That' s from far away. But this question 152 00:11:54.759 --> 00:12:00.600 of superiority, not of superiority that I have heard is that we have someone 153 00:12:01.399 --> 00:12:05.480 not or is our family of abolition our family that has to do with the 154 00:12:05.519 --> 00:12:11.080 municipality where I am, where not this we are family that this is the 155 00:12:11.200 --> 00:12:16.320 third or fourth generation, where they are presidents, municipal, etc, that 156 00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:18.840 ends up being a question of control. We' re different. Then I 157 00:12:18.879 --> 00:12:24.840 ' ll see you and that reproduces inside the home. No yes, what 158 00:12:24.919 --> 00:12:30.320 is outside is what is outside, regardless of growth, regardless of the law 159 00:12:30.960 --> 00:12:35.919 that was established within the family, does not reproduce again. Then it reproduces 160 00:12:35.320 --> 00:12:39.919 on the outside and on the inside. It' s not just inside. 161 00:12:39.360 --> 00:12:45.559 No, and we' ve incorporated that through time. And I don' 162 00:12:45.559 --> 00:12:48.200 t think anyone likes to be treated with disdain, no, as we' 163 00:12:48.279 --> 00:12:54.639 ve suddenly seen someone who, instead of paying him directly, throws him to 164 00:12:54.759 --> 00:13:01.159 the floor or something. That' s, that' s something extremely pitiful 165 00:13:01.720 --> 00:13:03.960 and it' s also happening between couples. I don' t mean it 166 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:05.480 ' s always the man, it' s the woman, because it' 167 00:13:05.480 --> 00:13:07.960 s not true. That' s not true. Uh, yeah, there 168 00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:13.399 ' s a statistical issue that gets more of a job, but also women 169 00:13:13.480 --> 00:13:18.919 can be very scornful, or, for example, when man doesn' t 170 00:13:20.360 --> 00:13:26.399 get to offer him what he expects in the world and money, in the 171 00:13:26.559 --> 00:13:30.399 money world, is that you' re a little thing. You haven' 172 00:13:30.480 --> 00:13:33.360 t managed to do anything. And if there' s anything that hurts, 173 00:13:33.000 --> 00:13:37.440 so is the man. That' s what it has to do with masculinity 174 00:13:37.440 --> 00:13:41.840 and above. There are women who do lower in a terrible way. Uh, 175 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:45.279 no, I mean no more than one side totally, no doubt. 176 00:13:45.840 --> 00:13:54.960 No doubt we' re critical of Desdén that he' s constantly fighting, 177 00:13:56.519 --> 00:14:01.799 not to be in war, not to know you, you don' t. 178 00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:09.279 Where that already becomes a constant pattern like a carriage wheel. Here we 179 00:14:09.399 --> 00:14:13.600 go again. I' m not going to attack, I defend myself and 180 00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:18.679 there are couples who are already used to taking it this way and that it 181 00:14:18.759 --> 00:14:24.480 ' s very difficult to break down there are couples where they have a great 182 00:14:24.679 --> 00:14:31.120 capacity, great ability to repair what happens at those times yes, without changing 183 00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:35.879 that pattern, and there are others who don' t have that, where 184 00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:39.399 the ability to repair is not given. But that' s what we call 185 00:14:39.399 --> 00:14:41.960 climbing then. No. You say, I say, you say, I 186 00:14:41.039 --> 00:14:43.879 say no, then, first floor, second floor, third floor, until 187 00:14:43.879 --> 00:14:46.919 you get to the Penhaus, being you have something else left that you wind 188 00:14:48.039 --> 00:14:52.480 up or you stay there locked up. And then that causes a lot of 189 00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:58.360 attention, not tension. And besides, it causes attention throughout the home and 190 00:14:58.519 --> 00:15:05.720 also causes attention in children. Sometimes one wonders that if it is better for 191 00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:13.960 this couple to part probably yes, because the children live this tension. One 192 00:15:13.080 --> 00:15:18.120 thing is the sadness that' s going to come to you. It' 193 00:15:18.200 --> 00:15:24.000 s horrible to live it dense then this also diminishes relationships sooner or later. 194 00:15:24.759 --> 00:15:31.679 We' ve already talked about criticism of the den, this constant fight how 195 00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:37.159 complicated, because there are times not where it seems that couples get stuck in 196 00:15:37.799 --> 00:15:41.240 fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, and we don' t 197 00:15:41.320 --> 00:15:46.720 get tired you know fighting, as I said, sorry, not this fighting. 198 00:15:46.879 --> 00:15:50.799 Someone does it as a lifestyle, as a lifestyle, and there are 199 00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:58.320 certain professions, certain professions, and certain trades where that is applauded as for 200 00:15:58.399 --> 00:16:03.600 example, yes, and with great respect. No. I don' t 201 00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:08.799 want them to be so criticized at any time, but the lawyers they do 202 00:16:10.720 --> 00:16:14.000 argue about Politics, they try no. So those who are used to going 203 00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:18.559 not something good to argue. They' re not fabulous, I don' 204 00:16:18.600 --> 00:16:21.559 t mean, but I' m saying that what you' re doing right 205 00:16:21.559 --> 00:16:25.399 now in your relationship. It doesn' t work, because this arguing thing 206 00:16:25.519 --> 00:16:27.279 is you want to be right and then, until you don' t. 207 00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:30.679 And especially if you are, if you' re someone who goes through their 208 00:16:30.799 --> 00:16:34.519 courts or has to be written, it' s or I don' t 209 00:16:34.519 --> 00:16:37.960 tell him now. Yeah, it' s very different having a lawyer to 210 00:16:38.039 --> 00:16:44.120 the best corporate thing that one who' s actually litigating. Within this they 211 00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:48.159 fight, there are two things, well, there are several, but there 212 00:16:48.480 --> 00:16:53.360 is a very interesting one that is threatening. No, okay, I' 213 00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:57.879 m gonna leave you or and what you' re gonna do about it, 214 00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:00.519 no, no, what you' re gonna be able to do. It 215 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:03.119 ' s a question of being able to exercise. Are there some who like 216 00:17:03.279 --> 00:17:07.720 to provoke, who like to provoke? Yes, and you who you are 217 00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:15.720 then the other person get hooked then here I want you more or less to 218 00:17:15.839 --> 00:17:21.000 describe that they are an hostile couple, one with the other and curiously, 219 00:17:21.240 --> 00:17:25.599 they are dependent on each other, because if they could not stop for the 220 00:17:25.720 --> 00:17:27.039 lawsuit, then it is a hostile dependence. And there we go round and 221 00:17:27.079 --> 00:17:33.119 round and round and round and then these couples. To conclude, specifically with 222 00:17:33.960 --> 00:17:41.200 this bit, is to be fighting, to be climbing, to have a 223 00:17:41.279 --> 00:17:45.200 threat and to have a vocation. Okay, well, if you identify yourself, 224 00:17:45.480 --> 00:17:49.000 you know where you' re going, yeah, and everything and we 225 00:17:49.079 --> 00:17:53.279 ' ve all been through at some point with the gusts and we' ve 226 00:17:53.279 --> 00:17:56.440 been through it, for sure, with our brothers. Not who can do 227 00:17:56.440 --> 00:18:02.799 more. That' s what happens in families. Okay effect, fourth important 228 00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:12.359 element here for how not to hurt your relationship. This point does not come 229 00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:18.240 from us, ok and not for good, Sometimes it happens alone, but 230 00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:25.720 from that it went from the others where you tell me something and I cannot 231 00:18:27.240 --> 00:18:37.160 tolerate criticism. But here I want to make criticism like criticism of a play, 232 00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:40.759 no, but not criticism where it is to your person, which is 233 00:18:40.839 --> 00:18:44.119 very different than criticism. Whatever you do, whatever you do. There are 234 00:18:44.200 --> 00:18:47.680 people who can' t stand any criticism. OK, it gets defensive, 235 00:18:48.200 --> 00:18:52.319 but if you have all three of those before, not of course you' 236 00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:57.720 re going to be ready for battle. OK. The answer, the answer 237 00:18:59.160 --> 00:19:07.480 of the form of faith, sometimes has to do with being condescending. And 238 00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:11.519 she' s crazy, not that she' s very classic, is she 239 00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:17.240 crazy? And now she' s crazy, not or with the hand between 240 00:19:17.440 --> 00:19:19.119 disdain and that' s how I' m teaching you the hand. It 241 00:19:19.400 --> 00:19:26.599 ' s a demon, this is a mocking laugh. Of course it is, 242 00:19:26.960 --> 00:19:29.519 no, yes, of course not, but it is just as it 243 00:19:29.640 --> 00:19:33.519 is not on this defensive. So there' s a way to defend yourself 244 00:19:33.920 --> 00:19:40.720 that I call active, where we make it bigger, fighting, and there 245 00:19:41.160 --> 00:19:48.119 ' s a defensive that I call passive, where I' m sending you 246 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:55.119 through a hundred tube that' s forced to come in to me by fighting 247 00:19:55.200 --> 00:19:57.000 ok ok either one of us, either one of us in the asset, 248 00:19:57.000 --> 00:19:59.920 in the liability doesn' t work out. And I want to say that 249 00:20:00.079 --> 00:20:03.480 we all do this wine bs John. I don' t think it' 250 00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:08.160 s a constant repetitive pattern. When it is. The Gotmans said that at 251 00:20:08.319 --> 00:20:15.240 five they looked at their partners and told you which couple. In five years 252 00:20:15.799 --> 00:20:19.039 they were probably going to separate not, that is, on a statistical issue. 253 00:20:19.200 --> 00:20:22.279 You know statistics aren' t accurate, yes, we can' t 254 00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:26.200 say as many as I told you, and separations aren' t always physical. 255 00:20:27.240 --> 00:20:33.039 There' s no emotional separation. Not where he is, no doubt, 256 00:20:33.319 --> 00:20:37.279 and it' s condescending. No, the condescending is horrifying. She 257 00:20:37.720 --> 00:20:41.079 is not crazy, especially because, besides you are nerada, she generates in 258 00:20:41.400 --> 00:20:42.680 the other a great impotence. No, there' s nowhere to move, 259 00:20:44.240 --> 00:20:47.839 there' s nowhere to move. And when you too have powerlessness where you 260 00:20:48.079 --> 00:20:52.079 don' t know where to move, there' s a question like implosion. 261 00:20:52.759 --> 00:20:57.920 You don' t end up getting any smaller or you go back to 262 00:20:57.920 --> 00:21:03.279 the fighting part. So, that' s tar and how they find you 263 00:21:03.359 --> 00:21:07.759 on social media. Ah this one find me on Instagram, on taritron, 264 00:21:08.319 --> 00:21:18.880 tary tron, such as tary conni the tanina tar critical. From this constant, 265 00:21:18.039 --> 00:21:23.039 fight this, not know, receive criticism and respond to it with this 266 00:21:23.240 --> 00:21:34.559 attitude. A little disdain, bad reception. Fifth element, where, as 267 00:21:37.079 --> 00:21:40.839 I was reviewing this that what I was going to present did not come up 268 00:21:41.200 --> 00:21:45.160 with a word, but it is probably from my time and is not concerned 269 00:21:45.599 --> 00:21:48.799 with what it is to paint as a couple. OK, yeah, so 270 00:21:48.880 --> 00:21:53.640 I look like the wall where I' m not absent. I' m 271 00:21:53.720 --> 00:22:02.400 not listening to you. I don' t know what I' m saying 272 00:22:02.400 --> 00:22:03.359 Maybe it' s from my time. I don' t know, but 273 00:22:03.440 --> 00:22:04.799 I don' t know how younger people would say it. But it' 274 00:22:04.799 --> 00:22:07.480 s true. You' re not here. No, you' re not? 275 00:22:07.880 --> 00:22:11.000 You' re not here and I' m not just not there You 276 00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:15.599 ' re not there. You reverberate on the other side. I reverberate gives 277 00:22:15.799 --> 00:22:19.960 a lot of powerlessness. One feels down, the other is down, too, 278 00:22:19.960 --> 00:22:23.839 maybe doing it in a way to protect oneself. But one thing is 279 00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:27.559 to protect yourself and another thing is how you receive it. The other one 280 00:22:29.720 --> 00:22:36.160 doesn' t and I don' t know if you' ve been with 281 00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:37.680 the link suddenly bop isn' t there. What' s it got to 282 00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:41.559 do with gsting, too? No more than that is the new within the 283 00:22:41.599 --> 00:22:45.319 rules, not in our own way, in my time it was. That 284 00:22:45.480 --> 00:22:48.960 ' s ignored. It is not a long pass that ends up being aggressive, 285 00:22:52.839 --> 00:22:57.759 passive and it would be super interesting to know what has happened to one 286 00:22:59.359 --> 00:23:06.440 of the others and which these preferably comes within our family, where we have 287 00:23:07.079 --> 00:23:11.319 learned it unconsciously. Not because it' s these things that are inserted into 288 00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:15.039 your little head. They insert you says and there we go there we go 289 00:23:15.119 --> 00:23:21.000 like donkeys in pack to do it again yes and how it was, that 290 00:23:21.160 --> 00:23:25.640 it was incorporated into the relationship that the other one stopped being. And that 291 00:23:25.720 --> 00:23:33.599 ' s where, where in conversation or therapy. It' s not where 292 00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:38.119 you learned and who would do this to you that it' s done first, 293 00:23:38.319 --> 00:23:40.720 second you can and you don' t notice the results so much. 294 00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:45.240 Why, because we' re no longer watching then I do ask who taught 295 00:23:47.039 --> 00:23:52.039 you that that was a way to relate who did it to grandpa, grandma, 296 00:23:52.240 --> 00:23:56.519 mom, stepmother, etcetera. No, because now we have a we 297 00:23:56.559 --> 00:24:00.839 ' re not always the same family where we' re dad, mom and 298 00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:06.400 cycles where all biology is together. But it does happen that sometimes grandfather is 299 00:24:06.680 --> 00:24:10.599 very important in that and you have him or the grandmother who is a matter, 300 00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:17.200 etcetera. Yes and we and we fish it Now tar is the same 301 00:24:17.200 --> 00:24:23.279 as when, because I don' t know if it' s the same 302 00:24:23.599 --> 00:24:29.160 thing when a couple gets angry and one of the two their style is I 303 00:24:29.240 --> 00:24:33.440 don' t talk to you until I pass it and it can happen a 304 00:24:33.480 --> 00:24:37.960 week or it can happen a month and suddenly it' s talking to you 305 00:24:37.599 --> 00:24:41.920 again as if nothing' s happened no and as if nothing exactly goes back 306 00:24:41.920 --> 00:24:45.000 to the pre- conflict. No, and nothing happened here, you could 307 00:24:45.119 --> 00:24:49.119 never talk about it. He just re- entered the relationship. It' 308 00:24:49.240 --> 00:24:56.440 s the same thing. There is a different form of conflict resolution. I 309 00:24:56.519 --> 00:25:00.759 ' d like to, well, it' s not a conflict resolution, 310 00:25:00.279 --> 00:25:03.240 but it' s extremely aggressive. Yes, very ma, because when I 311 00:25:03.359 --> 00:25:07.079 stop talking to you, it' s just like you don' t exist. 312 00:25:07.200 --> 00:25:11.519 Ah, we' re talking about another phenomenon. Then yes, you. 313 00:25:11.599 --> 00:25:14.720 The other thing is that I let you talk for a while in the 314 00:25:14.759 --> 00:25:21.119 time where you can talk to your partner and tell him I need to stay 315 00:25:21.240 --> 00:25:22.799 out of here, I need to make up, I need to calm down. 316 00:25:23.400 --> 00:25:27.799 And the one who leaves is the one who has the responsibility to return, 317 00:25:29.359 --> 00:25:33.160 but the one who takes twenty- four hours or forty- eight hours 318 00:25:33.279 --> 00:25:36.400 ends up being very aggressive. And, on the other hand, he asks 319 00:25:36.400 --> 00:25:41.319 this person during those twenty- four or forty- eight or thirty- six 320 00:25:41.319 --> 00:25:48.359 hours, what is happening to you How do you sustain that humor, because, 321 00:25:48.759 --> 00:25:52.400 as we know, there are the questions of emotions that we will then 322 00:25:52.400 --> 00:25:56.200 see in our program, emotions, feelings and thoughts. Yes, we also 323 00:25:56.279 --> 00:26:03.599 sustain this state through time. Of course the time and as you also know 324 00:26:03.839 --> 00:26:11.400 not to ignore that degree ends up being very violent, because you do not 325 00:26:11.480 --> 00:26:15.119 exist under the premise that I am regulating myself as well. But then it 326 00:26:15.240 --> 00:26:19.359 is I who decide and I regulate myself and while you are, yes, 327 00:26:19.480 --> 00:26:22.960 of course, and I don' t care. Besides, what' s 328 00:26:22.000 --> 00:26:26.000 going on with you while I' m exactly the same. But what I 329 00:26:26.160 --> 00:26:30.799 help is and what' s happening to you during that time and what are 330 00:26:30.920 --> 00:26:36.920 the thoughts where you hold that line. That' s right, why those 331 00:26:36.920 --> 00:26:40.799 things, these things happen, no yes, no doubt, then your thoughts 332 00:26:41.039 --> 00:26:48.799 are feeding this right, because we' re back. Son Le Tarich, 333 00:26:48.839 --> 00:26:52.920 it' s been a while since we closed the OK program. Then I 334 00:26:52.920 --> 00:26:56.759 ' ll make a little summary. There' s something in there that might 335 00:26:56.880 --> 00:27:00.319 go away. Yeah, stage' s wonderful, but let' s start 336 00:27:00.400 --> 00:27:04.119 with the review. Criticism not in everyone. I talked about where a difference 337 00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:07.920 had to be made between the complaint and the claim. The claim let' 338 00:27:07.960 --> 00:27:11.000 s make an example. It' s you going to the store to claim 339 00:27:11.160 --> 00:27:15.480 that your product isn' t the right one and expect it to be changed. 340 00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:19.880 Or we' re gonna make up OK unlike the complaint, you don 341 00:27:19.920 --> 00:27:22.400 ' t make it to Liverpool. This is dirt, et cetera. And 342 00:27:22.519 --> 00:27:26.680 you' re going away, you' re furious. Then it didn' 343 00:27:26.680 --> 00:27:30.440 t work out to make a difference between this and the other, and the 344 00:27:30.480 --> 00:27:37.720 one that criticism has to see constantly good, constantly be attacking the person and 345 00:27:37.799 --> 00:27:45.279 then we go on to disdain, to disdain where you are less. I 346 00:27:45.319 --> 00:27:48.880 am in a degree of superiority that we have seen happening in many families, 347 00:27:49.000 --> 00:27:53.440 which happen social groups, where we are better than the other, and it 348 00:27:53.559 --> 00:27:57.319 is lowering that does not help. When then, now we go to the 349 00:27:57.319 --> 00:28:04.039 third, which is to be constant ns in the lawsuit, where two of 350 00:28:04.160 --> 00:28:10.279 the important things are the threat and the provocation and the escalation, where we 351 00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:15.720 go against each other. Then it' s how I talked, not being 352 00:28:15.799 --> 00:28:21.039 defensive where I' m co- descendant. She' s not crazy, 353 00:28:21.359 --> 00:28:26.440 or this is the fool, or this is the one she can' t, 354 00:28:26.680 --> 00:28:30.519 especially in the part of the economy. And finally I was talking to 355 00:28:30.640 --> 00:28:34.519 you about painting on a wall It' s not also painting You look like 356 00:28:34.519 --> 00:28:37.440 you' re scared sometimes. But the other doesn' t feel that way, 357 00:28:38.039 --> 00:28:42.799 so there are certain things we can do defensively. Not that it' 358 00:28:44.680 --> 00:28:48.720 s something learned or seen unconscious, etcetera. But it' s like seen 359 00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:52.640 on the other side, if I, for example, right now, show 360 00:28:52.079 --> 00:28:56.559 you my phone, my phone and it' s got here, as you 361 00:28:56.720 --> 00:29:00.000 see, red, but I' m lifting it from this side I' 362 00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:02.200 m seeing uo. The screen is black, but you' re looking at 363 00:29:02.359 --> 00:29:04.119 it in red. So one thing is what I see or read that I 364 00:29:04.240 --> 00:29:07.319 feel, and another thing is what' s going on with you with the 365 00:29:07.359 --> 00:29:15.119 example of this phone. And that' s where the two worlds are valid, 366 00:29:17.480 --> 00:29:22.160 but they' re partially reason only for agreement, partly for agreement. 367 00:29:22.799 --> 00:29:30.359 This is how it is oriented, because we are left with a lot to 368 00:29:30.480 --> 00:29:33.960 reflect and look for it follow it on Instagram find it, as tary tron 369 00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:40.000 tari with I latina, find it on Instagram constantly. She' s publishing 370 00:29:40.119 --> 00:29:44.079 things can follow her, and, well, you know, here in Chayo 371 00:29:44.119 --> 00:29:45.839 with you, you can get her questions. It has its segment in our 372 00:29:47.400 --> 00:29:49.559 program every Friday and well, every two months throughout the year will be with 373 00:29:49.599 --> 00:29:55.240 its full program. So suggest you ask what you want, that she' 374 00:29:55.319 --> 00:29:59.240 s talking to us and well, I thank you immensely that you' re 375 00:29:59.240 --> 00:30:03.880 with us and because on Friday we' re here, we' ll be 376 00:30:07.960 --> 00:30:07.799 here, yes, thank you, we' ll be Audio Central