Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the final week of the
twenty sixteen Miscrypti Contest. It's time to oggle the boggles, stare at the
scare cats, and give the stink eye to skunk Gapes. Three more marvelous
misses are coming your way in this the final week of the contest, and
it will be up to you to decide did we save the best for last?
Oh? Who will claw, scrape and laceerate their way to the top
of the bone pile. We scoured a globe at the library for the countries
that were listed as where these came from, because we didn't know where they
were from. In three spins, we came up with two countries, and
this week we'll be traveling from the hills of rural Maryland to the shores of
East Africa to the mountains of rural Washington. Week three brings you creatures with
names that range from ancient folklore to names barely made up on the spot.
This week, Blurry Photos brings you the Agagway of East Africa, the Snelley
gaster of the background shots from the Wire and from the opening credits of Twin
Peaks, The Crazy crater of bald Mountain wash to talons for glowing skin.
This week has it all, folks. It'll leave you pleasantly surprised and possibly
without eyes. So buckle in and remain calmed as we bring you Week three
of the twenty sixteen Miss Cryptic Contest. Hello everybody, I am David Flora
and I am Dave Stecco. Welcome to the third week of the twenty sixteen
Miss Crypted Contest. How many times can we say it? Third and final?
Week A final? I feel like we just started. It does seem
fast. Of course, we've recorded time dilation man, Get you, get
you every time, Get you. But Butts, Harry Butts. We will
be finding out who was the winner of week two and who will be joining
the owl Man in the finals of the Miscrypted Contest. Can't wait for your
prediction because I think, yeah, lets weeks some pretty cads sink any lower.
Like I said, a pretty good year so far. A lot of
level playing contestants, I think, which means high. The level was high,
but everybody was extremely competitive. It is very competitive now that now that
you know we've we've established a foothold in the market. A lot of lucrative
endorsements coming off this the market's kind of getting saturated. We jumped the shark,
No, not yet, Well, we're working on it next year.
The Jumping Shark of Catalina Island to the So we just have one week where
it's all once we make up. So the boot the Boone cuntdyeh, the
jumping Shark of Catalina. There. I was really pushing to have the Boone
County Wood snoop in the competition this year, but there were so many real
competitors that were awesome that maybe next year. Maybe next year. Well,
also he's sniffed of this one. Yeah, and he's also I mean he
he may or not be may or may not be eligible. There is apparently
some sort of pending litigation regarding a misdemeter beer theft. Yeah, it's a
little bit of trouble with the law that Misdemeanah. Yeah uh. This week,
we've got a got some good ones to end it on. Yeah,
going out with a bang, a big barring. Why don't we why don't
we jump in get started to hear this? How about how about we talk
about the crazy critter of Bald Mountain Water du dun dun dunt dun dun dundun.
Wow, we really broke that down. I love the song. That's
teamwork, brother, that was great. Hope, hope everybody is still listening.
You know what. I was so much fun. I don't give a
funk if you didn't like it. Whoa wait a minute, wait a minute,
Yeah, I get some coke snort in there, crazy critter, Bald
Mountain, Washington, Um. And this is an alien sighting that took place
on the evening of November seventeenth, nineteen seventy four, on Bald Mountain,
Washington, situated approximately twenty miles east of Cheehllis. Is that how you say
that? I did not look up the looks right now, you know,
not for nothing? Ten months before I was born. Eyebrows, eyebrows.
He did know that song off the top of his head, three nights earlier.
And I loved this, love the song, love the phantasia verse,
yea, love it all man, Sorry, three nights earlier, not only
about five miles away. A UFO of the unidentified fire object kind. Wait,
a UFO of the unidentified fiery object kind? You know that kind?
Yeah, well, when you classify them, yeah, fiery object. Well
it was. It was of the fire tribe. It could have been air
earth. That was the day it attacked, So bullshit avatar. I've never
even seen any avatar. I just was trying to get I'm trying to get
cool with the kids. It plummeted to Earth, but it had attracted little
publicity until Seattle grocer Ernest Smith saw the Grazy Critter. Smith described it as
crazy. Not a word of it a lie. He described it as horse
sized, covered with scales, and standing on four rubbery legs with suckers like
octopus tentacles. Its head was football shaped with an antenna sticking up. The
thing gave off this green iridescent light. That is a hell of a description.
Yes it is. That guy checked off every box. I mean he
made up boxes to check. Like you hear, oh it's humanoid, or
oh it had wings or glowing red eyes. No, man, this thing's
like a one of those things that you you put in the bathtub and let
it dissolve and then there's like a thing that grows out of it, you
know, like I don't. That's what's one of them things. That was
a very specific reference. Sorry, sorry, man, I think that like,
you know, this is the kind of thing that where you just give
like a toddler some crayons and then they draw something, and then you send
it off to the company that makes a stuffed animal of it. Sure,
this is what you get back. That's this would actually be a fun stuffed
animal. Yeah. I love the picture of it that I've put on the
website. I love it. I love it. Now good news, Flora,
I love good news. The glow was also seen by mister and missus
rob Mister and missus Roger Ram's ba from Tacoma as they were driving by in
a Tacoma when they were when they went closer to investigate, they were better,
better than the Honda Yakima. She's sorry, I'm doing us no favorite
Toyota Olympia put this one in the timeline of the Gauntlet recording day. Oh
yeah, all right, go ahead, all right, it's known as the
Gauntlet. I love it. Uh, it makes us happy. When they
went closer to investigate, they were confronted with the same weird wonder spit on
my tablet. That's how hard I was just singing, complete with antenna and
suckered legs. Smith had seen earlier. Such reports as these soon attracted the
attention to the local authorities, really headed by Lewis County Sheriff William Wister,
with some accounts mister Wister. Yeah, well everyone called mister Wister. Everyone
in Lewis County apparently has to have a literal illiterative names. Yeah, exactly.
Ernest Smith was driven out of town shortly after ye he went to Seattle,
just passing through. Some accounts claim that he was instructed by Air Force
and NASA officials not to continue his investigations, and his own team of county
officials by people that they referred to as Laura. A special NASA team including
a heavily armed military unit, wearing uniforms with no insignia. That's just ridiculous.
Everybody knows what a Stargate mission uniform patch looks like. They all wear
them. Yes, just because you can't figure it out doesn't mean they're not
wearing Yeah, dude, dude, dude, But I wish you guys could
see, like there's like intense eye contact and we know it's back on.
So so what do you think, Flaura? I mean, I have never
heard of an alien sighting like this. Yeah, this came straight out of
crazy Town, and I love it. This is um. It sounds like
just an egg of some spice creature, probably from Venus, just crashed into
the earth and then this thing popped out of it. Like how this this?
How? How is something like this like an intelligent life form that's traveling
the cosmos? You know what I mean? I mean it's there's no reason
it couldn't be. There's lots of reasons. But suckers, Yeah, Like
is they're helpful, helpful for control panels. Maybe it's telepathic. I don't
know. Well, I mean here's the thing. I mean, you know,
given it it's it's it's due. Um. You know, our fingers
aren't the way they are so that we could work control panels. We make
control panels to work the way our fingers are. So maybe in the side
of the ship they've got all these sucker controls. The sucker action, Yeah,
you gotta suck on them just right. I think there's a lot of
sucker action in this story. If I could take that Lewis County. This
reminds me of one of those classic scenarios where somebody's just like eating some sushi.
They they trip and fall in a mud mud pile. They get up,
but it turns out it's not mud, it's tar. They trip in
somebody's backyard, end up with a football on their head. They fall through
a window. There's the TV antenna on their head. Then they spill some
like local nuclear goose and then they're just like, oh, other day,
this couldn't get any worse. Trip, you know, class, this is
this is some tool who's just having a bad day. Yeah, sorry,
guys, Sorry, We've explained it as clearly as can be. It seems
like I always assume a critter to be small. This thing did not seem
small. It's horse sized. Yeah, that's that's a that's a creech.
Critters are small. You can fit a critter in a bucket. Yeah,
critters can get in under your porch. Yeah. If you can't fit it
in a bucket, that's not a critter. No, it's a creature.
That's the crazy critter of Bald Mountain. Dun dundagagway is a small, furry
human like biped reportedly living in the remote forests of eastern Afka. It's covered
in reddish brown fur. Agagways stand three to five feet tall and They are
reported to have small feet and opposable toes. Thegaguay is different from the other
known ape in the area not only because of fur and skin color, but
also because they're reported to have small, canine teeth and a rounded forehead.
They go by a many other names as well, Cocoon, Dochri or Kilomba
and Zimbabwe and the Congo. The people of Ivory Coast refer to them as
the Sehte or shit or ken Height. In Sumatra, they're known as the
Orang pindeck. We've heard of that before. Oh yeah, oh, this
is the same thing as the Orang pendeck. Will it seems to be maybe,
yeah, Oh, that's fascinating all right. The first recorded sighting of
the Agaguay by a non African native was documented in nineteen thirty seven by Captain
William Hichens in the December edition of the London magazine Discovery. Describing his nineteen
hundred a counter with the Agaguay, Captain Hichens wrote, thank thank you Jesus
for this quote. Some years ago I was sent with an official lion Hunchindish
area to which he was referring to the Usuran Simbid forests on the western side
of the Wembar planes. Quite while waiting a false glade from man Eat,
I saw two brown furry creatures, yes, come from the dense forest on
one side of the glade, and then disappear quite suddenly into the thicket on
the other side, which was most irregular. Quite quite. They were like
little men about forty time, walking somewhat upright, Yes, and clad in
rosset boy bullet. The native hunter with me engaged in him a mingled fear
and amazement. Yes they were, he said, Oh, gogway, rather
strange word. Yes, the little ferryman, whom one does not see once
in a lifetime. Support of Captain Hitchen's story, British officer Cuthbert Bourgoyne wrote,
no, not one of ours. No. Wrote a letter to Discovery
Magazine in nineteen thirty eight recounting his personal sighting of something similar in nineteen twenty
seven, while traveling Portuguese East Africa board a Japanese cargo boat. Burgoyne wrote,
we was sufficiently near to land to see objects clearly with a glass of
twelve magnifications. Oh, there was a sloping beach with a light bush upon
which several dozen baboons were hunting and for picking up shellfish of crabs. To
judge by their movements, achish two pure white baboons were among them. These
are very rare, but I had heard of them previously. As we watched
the little two little brown men walked together out of the bush and down among
the baboons. Jeez, this is a long quote. All right, that's
enough of the the one and done, Cuthbert burgoing voice, Sorry if that
went on. There's a there's a point at which even I can no longer
even lave. Yeah, they were certainly not any known monkey, and they
must have been akin to or they would have been disturbed by the baboons they
were. They were too far away to see in detail or what happened to
the twelve magnifications. But these small humans, yeah, exactly. But these
small humanlike animals were probably between four and five feet tall, quite upright and
graceful in figure. At the time, I was thrilled, as they quite
obviously were no beast of which I had heard or read. Later, a
friend in big game hunter told me he was in Portuguese data East Africa with
his wife and three of other hunters and saw a mother, father and child
of apparently similar animal species walk across the further side of a bush, clearing
the natives loudly forbade him to shoot no I glaven all with the hunting in
the found them. It was suggested by crypto as welogist Bernard Humans that the
Agaguay could be a surviving species of austral Epithecine, a bipedal primate known to
have existed approximately two and a half million years ago. The description of the
Agaguay does fit the known features of the australepithe scene, with the exception of
austro Epithistan's feet, which did have somewhat diverged toe, but far from the
reported opposable toe of the Agaguay. However, over millions of years, it
is conceivable that this toe may have evolved to become opposable. I like that
you got a little Bernie Sanders there, as though someone was just about to
interrupt you. However, however, had to do the point where should do
now? Some theorize that the Agaguay may also be an undiscovered species of protopigmy,
a term used by Ivan T. Sanderson to describe the unknown hairy little
people of the world. So it feels cringey proto pigmy right, and are
there tons of unknown hairy little people, unknown hairy little people of the world
unite. Yeah. This term is still used today in the work of Mark
Ye Hall, Patrick Boigny, Lauren Coleman, and others while researching and documenting
cases of smaller than normal hairy homitans. We might meet Lauren Coleman. He's
coming to Milwaukee for the sweet then he can tell me how to pronounce Patrick's
last name. So, yeah, Gogway. Huh, what do you think.
I don't think that's I don't think that's impossible. I think it's Africa
is a big place. Yeah, there's lots of sightings. Everyone seems to
get it. And I think something of that size could could. I think
it that has a better chance of staying hidden than a bigfoot than a squatch,
just because of its size or because of its location both sparsely populated place.
There's tons of parts of Africa that literally no one goes into. Sure,
and they are they're small enough to be good at hiding. They can
make use of tall grass, you know, stuff like that. Yeah,
this is kind of a true cryptid. Yeah, I like it. I
dig that in the fact that it is a hidden, unknown animal that may
or may not be out there. Yeah. And between the Burgoyne's and the
high Woman's, apparently you can only study them if you have a ridiculous last
name. Right, that's the Agagway and our third and final elegant weirdo,
the snelly Gaster. I feel like that's that's like really old gangster uh gangster
slang for like a gun. Oh yeah, yeah, whip out that snelly
Gasta and let's see who's doing the real talking. And then everyone was like,
the gun, right, I caused the gun? What else is the
thing? Nothing? Nothing, boss nothing. I also feel like it could
be the name of a villain that ties a maiden to the train tracks.
Oh yeah, what's your name? A snivel snelly Gaston. Yeah. February
nineteen o nine article from the Middletown Valley Register, hard hitting news source in
rural Maryland, claimed that a man had been seized by a winged creature,
which proceeded to sink its teeth into his jugular, drained his body of blood,
and casually drop it off a hillside well, casually as it flew away.
I could hear echoing into the chill night. Whatever. The story set
off a flurry of reports of sensational encounters with a beast called the snally Gaster.
Was Oid's taken? Snally Oid? Yeah, it was taken. Somebody
told me that, like in the later h iterations of tremors, that the
tremor creature could fly. They did it all they they walked, they flew.
Yeah, like they really went off the rails. Old sci fi smh
bro. The first alleged report of the snally Gaster came from a man named
James Harding, who saw the creature flying low overhead. He described it as
a huge winged monster with a long, sharp beak, claws like steel hooks,
and having one eye in the middle of its head. Was it a
flying purple people eater? You know it? The monster's screech he described as
loud as a train whistle. It was reported to have created quite a stir
in New Jersey, where its footprints were first discovered in the snow and then
later probably retracted and changed to the Jersey Devil. I was gonna say,
well, how do you yeah, this sells now? Now? I wonder
if they're just renaming the Jersey Devil. The pine barrens aren't big enough for
the both of them. Don't take anything from Jersey, they have so little.
It was also seen in West Virginia, where it almost caught a woman
near Scrabble, roosted in Alex Crow's barn, and laid an egg near Sharpsburg,
where it was reported some men had rigged up an incubator to try and
hatch it. This whole thing should be read in the twenties accent, but
don't that's too much. TC. Harbor of Castown, Ohio read a letter
to the Valley Register in nineteen o nine telling him a strange beast that flew
over his area, making terrible screaking noises. Stop Stop. Hardball described it
as having two huge wings, a large horny head, and a tail twenty
feet long. He said it looked as though it was headed this way.
It's coming right for us. I love that, Like he's talking to a
reporter. Yeah, I don't know. It had a big, big horn
on its head. I think the tail was like twenty feet long, and
it's headed this. Get this to print now. According to local newspapers and
several enthusiastic eyewitnesses, the murderous monster undertook a series of colorful adventures. What
did it do, Dave, Well, First, it woke up in the
morning, laid the egg the size of a barrel, though, picked up
a railway worker by a suspenders. Oh no, and why it even took
some time to speak to a gentleman, mysteriously declaring my I'm dry. I
haven't had a good drink since I was killed in the battle at Chickamauga.
Wow, it sounds like radio ad kind it sounds like that crazy Okay.
It was shot at near Hagerstown, sighted south of Middletown at Lover's Leap,
and seen flying over the mountains between Gaplin and Burkettsville, where it was report
to two have laid another egg. I don't think the eggs you eggland.
Motherfucker is big enough to hatch an elephant. Apparently, sightings of the Snalli
Gaster were creating such a commotion that at one point it was reported that President
Theodore Roosevelt might postpone a trip to Europe so that he could lead an expedition
to capture it. He might watch out, Yeah, it might. You
never know. Europe's calling, though twenty three years passed before the snelly gaster
appeared again in Frederick County. Is that a skadoo? It was a twenty
three year skadoo. He was skidooing for the entirety of the time. Twenty
three years time span a skadoo. Yeah, that's right. First reports were
received from just below South Mountain in Washington County. Ba Bom bom, bom
bomp needle scratch I. Witness accounts claim that it flew toward them from the
Middletown Valley. The beast was often seen floating back and forth over the area
and was described as being as large as a dirigible, with arms resembling the
tentacles of an octopus coming full circle. The news upon which President Teddy Roosevelt
deployed a girl in an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini. When
that didn't work, they went to see the witch doctor, who told them
what to do. When asked what the news was, they simply replied that
the bird was the word novelty songs. They made alcohol from the huge vat
of monster mash that withdrew a zing. Sorry all right. The creature appeared
to be able to change its size, shape, and color. It will
no although the creature made no attempt to harmony the residence of the valley exanguination
notwithstanding right, most people sought safety of their sought the safety of their homes
as it flew overhead. All descriptions seemed to indicate that it was the snally
Gaster, last reported in these parts on March fifth, nineteen o nine.
At the life expectancy of a snally gaster is only about twenty years. Based
on who the knows the most logical, Oh, thank you, yes,
The most logical explanation seems to be that the latest sighting was the offspring of
the nineteen o nine creature, possibly hatched from one of the eggs laid near
Burkettsville or Hagerstown or Middletown at Lever's Leap or the Battle of Chickamauga, or
in the Battle or Brockway or Ogdenville. Yeah, it really put them on
the map. Yeah, the snally Gaster met his end in a way some
might envy. Snoo Snoo. Well, the creature was flying near Frog Hollow
and Washington County when it was attracted by the aroma of a twenty five hundred
gallon vat of moonshine. As the beast flew overhead, it was overcome by
the fumes and dropped into the boiling mash. Coming. Yeah, you blew
it too soon. It was giving it to you. A short time later,
revenue agents George Dansforth and Charles Kuschwis arrived on the scene. They had
received information about the still, but were rather startled at the side of the
dead monster in the mash. The two agents exploded five hundred pounds of dynamite
under the steel, destroying the remains of the snelly Gast, typical government and
tons of hooch. The area was settled by German immigrants beginning in the seventeen
thirties. Early accounts described the community being terrorized by a monster called a Schnellegeist,
meaning quick ghost in German. Seven pointed stars, which were mostly thrown
by ninjas, but also repeatedly kept the Snelly Gaster at bay and can still
be seen painted on local barns. Has been suggested the legend was resurrected in
the nineteenth century frightened freed slaves. Some stories say the Snelly Gaster has one
widely known enemy called the Duwayo. The Dwio is reported to be a mammalian
biped with features similar to a wolf, but the stance and stature of a
human. It is widely assumed that many details of the legend were fabrications of
wily newspaper editors looking to sell more papers. No, that was real and
had an enemy and wonder if I wonder if any of them found one of
the snelly gaster eggs and cooked it like in the movie Caveman. Oh my
god, yeah, just giant slabs. I think it's one of one of
the best parts of this is that the German immigrants would go by the would
call something schnellageist and it turned into snelly gaster snellge What kind of guys?
Nine guys, nine guys. Nay, yeah, So not much to think
about this one, maybe yeah, No, very fun, very fun,
indeed very fake. That's the snelly gas Well, there's one thing that is
as real as it gets from Ogdenville to East Brunsmanshire. Puns, Yes,
puns. Who's punning first? Pun? I'll pun, I'll take pun point.
Well, you're taking point on the pun point pun. Well, there
was one one story that was reported Flora. That is I mean, it's
a cockinary tale more than anything. It took place up in Washington, UM
where a family, you know, mom and dad had some plans for the
weekend, so they're out of town. They got someone to watch their child
the entire time. Then this, uh, this babysitter that they caught they
hired, decided to take the kid out for a hike. Okay, and
uh, this kid, you know, they're they're they're hiking through the woods
and they finally they kind kind of start to smell like sulfur in the air.
She thought it was like a diaper problem, but then she was like,
oh, the kid's too old for that. They realized, oh my
gosh. They'd come across some hot springs and the kid wanted to go down,
and she was like, no, stay there. The kids started going
anyway, but she was so tired from hiking all over the place that she
just sat on a rock and just kept going, no, don't do it,
don't do it. And the kid goes down there, and sure enough,
water comes up out of the ground burns all over the place. It's
the tragic tale of the lazy sitter of skald Fountain'd just like to point out,
like two minutes ago you, both you and kin height would have been
making snoring noises if I had been listen. The worse the pun the better
the setup, the longer you have to set it up. It's about maximizing
the suffering lazy sitter. Yep, nice. Hey, if you're walking down
the street in the city, you might run across the scary site. What's
that site? Oh? There are many, but there's one dangerous creature that
stalks the space between the buildings. It's waiting to snatch you up and convert
you or maybe get its religious claws. Oh no, be on the lookout
for the alley pastor. And also with you pots, that's pawns. That's
about all the ado we can stand. Yeah, now we have to find
out the winner of week two was all right, Well, it's time.
Most importantly, it's time for me to guess, because I'm so good at
this. Now here's my question. Do I can stands of this? Do
I think? What do you think? And then do the opposite? Oh,
tough call, tough call? Who knows? Yeah? And now the
winner of Week two of the Miscrypted Contest, Dave, This is between the
a stomy yea from India, the pig Man of Vermont, and the puck
Quagie of New England. I am going puck wag all day, then a
Stoney then Pigman. M Uh, what's your reasoning behind Puckage? My reason
behind the Puckagi is a it's a fun name, b uh. Were people
are already really enjoying the idea of a Dorchester Puckwagi's jersey. That's true,
and it's just kind of a cool little nasty ass. Yeah, looking like
a little nasty ass. Who does it? Like some nasty as Like a
little nasty ass. All right, all right, So the winner of Week
two is going to be told to each and every person individually by text message.
Should take us about two months. The pug and I'm a winner.
You got You got the other two places wrong though, so you didn't fill
out your your traffic. Well I didn't perfectly counterbalance my Week one meltdown,
but good job. Congratulations to the Puckage. Yeah, we'll make sure to
send send the Puckwagi an email. We'll be seeing him in the finals with
the owl Man. Yes, if the audio sounds a little different. Congratulations
you've picked up on it. Dave and I. Due to some scheduling things,
we had to announce in different places. So I'm picking him up over
Skype and we're in different places, but we're putting audio in your faces.
That is not a word of it a lie. So don't forget to go
vote for this week over at blurry photos dot org. On the home page
you can submit your vote. That'll enter you if you'd like, into a
drawing for a prize pack. Oh Man and Flora just brought in a whole
slew of amazing prizes from his recent trip to the Pacific Northwest, which which
had a really great moment. He was showing me everything and I thought that
he had bought me presents, so I was like, oh thanks, and
start of putting him in my bag and I was like, no, no,
Man for the Miscrypted prize pack. It was awesome and awkward. I
even prefaced it by saying I even said, hey, look what I got
for the Miscrypted price pack and he's like, oh, great, thanks,
and I'm like, oh no, now this is awkward. And I didn't
even try to make it awkward. All I hear was these are for you,
because everything you do is art and then I made him a sandwich.
So yeah, whoever gets the price pack is going to be really happy.
There is a shot glass involved that I am outright jealous of. It's true.
It's true. And don't don't get butt hurt that I didn't tell anybody
that I was going to the Pacific Northwest because it was a very short trip
for very specific reasons and I had no downtime to do anything. Too many
enemies on the willambit. Well it wasn't that part, so at least at
least there's that if if I went to Portland, I might keep a low
profile though, just so I didn't get shived for for my pronunciation skills.
So anyway, Uh, go vote, Go, go do all the things
that you know how to do to follow us and like us and all that
stuff. We appreciate that those things. That's important. It's your civic duty
because you have to because you must. It's it's the law. But other
than that, I hope you have enjoyed this year's miscrypted contests so far,
and but no more, no more cryptids to hear about. That's true,
that's true. You can still vote for Week three, which will announce,
and then finally one more round of voting yep for the king Dingling. Have
a have a good day week until you find out everybody rock