Hey guys, thanks for tuning in. Before we get into this week's episode,
we just want to let you know that we have a Patreon Patreon dot
com slash softcore History. Go there and you will get exclusive content that you
cannot find anywhere else for five dollars a month. You get eight episodes per
month. And we've been doing this Patreon for over two years, which means
you have two years of exclusive evergreen softcore history content for five dollars a month.
It will take you forever to get through it, it is well worth
the price. Patreon dot com slash soft core History. Check it out today.
This week on Softcore History, we're discussing Joshua Norton, the first and
to date only Emperor of the United States of America. Now Dan, Joshua
Norton had a pretty impressive palace. Yes, and impressive palace is a state
of mind rob But no, he lived on the streets of San Francisco.
Well, it's a beautiful city, it is, and he was a beautiful
man. And to this day as well as at his time, he was
revered by the people of San Francisco and the King of Hawaii. For some
reason, well, game respects game. Welcome to Softcore History. Welcome back
to softcore History. I'm your host for the week, Damn Regester. I'm
joined as always by Rob Fox Hello, and special guest Gabby Emergency. Those
good Spanish danell it, we're all. We're all doing our Carlos Alcarez before
the show, Eliot, I don't even what's yeah, just Spanish names.
Why has it not all gotten hair plugs? How come he hasn't fixed that
with all the money. Is one of the biggest glowdowns in sporting history.
Him and should have gotten their human history. It's insane. Do something about
it. Nobody always looked like that to me though, but he but he
went like they went. They started losing hair so young, and they had
so much money so young, and yet mm hmm. He could have worn
hats and he chooses to wear bad like Ronaldo took care of it pretty quickly.
Yeah, the hair, the teeth, because like it's a look the
face. Yeah, I think like Nadal was just like he just went from
the hottest, most strapping young dude to like it like it was. He's
like the Indiana Jones dude who drinks from the wrong Holy Grail. He's just
like halfway through that it's like it's like he's not hot enough to not care
that he's not hot. Yes, he's still like he should. He's fit,
but like he should do something or wear more hats. It's an Eastern
European thing to look bald and not fat but fit fat, not even fit
fat, just a belly paunch. Mm hmm. He's not there yet.
But the hair is there. The hair is not good, the hair is
rough. Where's like Feederer still looks like he's thirty, looks good. Yeah,
he looks Fantasy has a full head of hair. He does. Yeah,
and Djokovic thick black hair. A big joker fan. We're a joker.
We're a joker fan base here. I love his whole vibe me too.
You can't speak for the entire pod. I do, though quite loudly.
Yeah, yeah, allowed us voice on the show. I mean by
octaves alone, it's the vocal minority. Yeah. I'm trying to think of
anybody that's kind of like a fringe guy that has a chance. But there's
really nobody what in tennis that doesn't exist. Yeah, it's just like one
or two dudes who are just monsters. And then everyone else's really no American.
Uh, Taylor Fritz is getting there. Ben what's his name from UF
is a little bit getting there. We've already scared off enough people. Yeah,
yeah, we're so sorry. This is not a tennis podcast. It's
a history podcast. But you already heard that off the top of the show.
And today our topic for the week, we're getting controversial. Good good,
I got takes. You have to yeah, fire them from the hit
What do you need? Don't even think? What do you need me to
say? Everything? Okay, but nothing at all. That's what takes the
time, That's what I take. Is No. One of the biggest fears
of both sides of the political aisle at the moment is that the other party
will ultimately take control and not give up power, whether through some type of
one world government or a fascist ruler for life. Yes, yes, there's
a Hitler around every corner. Not here to argue if there's a legitimate threat
of those concerns, but rather inform you that this country, do you know
it already had an emperor? I did not, did not, Okay,
I thought you're abo George Washington was a fascist, which, if you need
me to say that, I will say that I'm married to nothing but the
take I live in in the moment. No, this isn't me harping on
the actions of Washington FDR or even lbj Okay. Fascist fascist fascist country had
an actual emperor and his name was Joshua Norton. Joshua. That's not an
emperor. This guy sounds like he created his own empire in the Oregon Woods
in the eighties. Rule number one we fuck whenever I want. Rule number
two. No, this podcast was built on weirdos and we're getting back to
our roots. Let's hear about them. We're talking about the only emperor in
the United States history. He's even recognized on a US census with his profession
emperor Emperor. Yeah. Well, but you can write whatever you want there,
right, It doesn't have to correlate with your w two. Yeah,
it's whatever you want it to be. It's like a media badge at an
airport. Yeah, who cares? Just photoshop that bitch, did I used
to do thirty percent off of my bags? Now is it really? Well,
it depends what you have. We're flight bags are at least thirty percent
off. Really, fuck life, they don't. I'm going to need that
I'm gonna need that ps. Yeah, for real. It just has to
look legitimate and your face is on it. Okay, media, you can't
hand them what looks like a temporary Texas driver's license. But if it's like
a laminated and in like a little that, you just flash it to them.
They're like, oh, that's good enough and then boom. But so
like when you pay for bags at the airport, they immediate like they put
in like a media discount code so we could show them we could be media.
So like what what who are you with? Oh? Softcore history?
You just show more podcast? Yeah, that's thousand reviews, that's a thousand
depends what airline you're on. But I mean some bags are as low as
like twenty five or thirty bucks. Bags fly for free on Southwest they do.
I don't know if you know that you're always media on Southwest airlines.
Everyone's media. Yeah, but you're not getting media. No one's media.
True. You don't feel better by the way, real cool guys will say
with your emperor talk, did you know that originally Napoleon wasn't going to be
sent to Elba. He was going to be sent to Nolans for his first
exile. Oh he would he would have never left. I know he's trying
to get power. Game was the Count's exile. If you have a good
time, I know, right, although elbow was a good time. He
was like got to kind of ball out and throw balls and have a good
time. It was the second exile. Everyone well, they just exiled him
and he came back stronger. Yeah, it was like fuck this. But
it was a Napoleon House, which was Caddy corner from the hotel. I
got married at right there, Napoleon House. They alleged that they invented the
Pim's cup and maybe the muffalletta. I thought you got married at the La
Laie mansion. Uh No, that's just that's just a person, like a
personal hero is a lollery family. Yeah, let that sink in. I
just want a muffalleta, I know, right, minus the top of it
top. I'll snort and all of I don't care. I love a little
put capers on everything now, our sweet boy. Joshua was born in Southeast
London February fourth, Southeast eighteen eighteen. OK. The date is disputed,
and his family moved to South Africa quickly after as part of the UK's colonization
program known as the eighteen twenty Settlers. Okay, so he's not even not
even American, Yeah, not even American. Didn't even immigrant to America first,
We're like a second choice at least. Who knows where else this guy
goes. You go to Hong Kong to it's on the way. Yeah,
we don't know. He disappears from the resort. Joshua does not sound like
an eighteen hundredth name, much like another Holy Savior. Little is known about
his early years, and we start the story in his thirties. Okay,
so he's much like the Emperor of Heaven. Jesus Christ shows up to San
Francisco in eighteen forty nine. What was he what? Oh, he's in
his thirty Okay, sorry, yeah, I told you. We don't know
about the shadow. I wonder if he took the long way. We don't
know if he was a bower. We don't know what if he was a
bower. Eight Wait, we went and he went to San Franisco in eighteen
forty nine. So gold Rush, yes, okay, I mean that's what
brought people out to that part of the country. I don't know how many
South Africans came to San Francisco. I know it brought a lot of Chinese
people and a lot of Americans. Isn't that funny that even in the eighteen
hundreds, a get rich quick scheme is what built this country. This country
is built on scams. Yes, on what dreams and scams? Yeah,
always has been a dream and a scam. It's like a dream and scam
is like genius and insanity. Right, It's it's like it's only crazy if
it doesn't work, and if it works for one person, it's like,
well maybe too. Yeah, America is not about patients. It's about right
now the microwave. Baby, we're not roasting and we're nuken. I want
soggy nuggets. Even people who claimed like slow cooked meats, they show up,
get the meat immediately served to them. They're not doing the work.
No, they're not. They're not slow smoking. It's like, oh I
slow smoke meat. Look at my Instagram. There are ten thousand that show
up and what that wet, hot, smoky meat just shoved in their face
immediately? I want to brisket right now, I'm hungry. I think you
want to call the show and was just yeah, there's a great barbecue briskets
upon arrival. Joshua Norton crushed in commodity markets, in real estate speculation,
and by eighteen fifty two real estate speculation, he was one of the most
respected and prosperous men in town. So I'm sorry, this guy shows just
like gold, just gold. No, we'll get into the commodity land and
hoping that there's gold on it. We'll get into the commodity that kind of
shapes his Is it women? No, he's not trafficking humans. Oh well,
wow, very Unamerican of him. Honestly, in that type period,
that's the second best commodity in the area. Maybe some Oriental rugs. Is
that what he's into? No, we're calling it. I like how I
do like? I already think this guy is smart. He already maybe has
my vote for emperor. Because what do we talk about? What did the
smart people do? Well, I'll just say I voted for him, I
didn't vote for you. What what did the what did the smart people do
at the gold Rush? The idiots show up and start hacking at the ground.
The real smart people build other businesses. Yes, they hey buy pickaxes?
Here, hey buy your horse. Hey, come gamble. Yeah,
that's what the intelligence cards and fuck, do you know that's how Levi's started.
Yeah, yeah, Levi's gold mind. Wow. You know they were
called overalls until they didn't start calling them jeans until like the fifties or sixties,
after James Dean wore them in a street cur named Desire, And I
think it's like a portmanteau of James Dean Jane. Oh, overalls were like
what your grandparents were, and the kids in the fifties and six started calling
him jeans. I also heard dungary as a name for dungleries. But isn't
that like, that's not an American term. It sounds Australian. Yeah,
it's a DUNGARYU onries why you drank your fastest? But I expect this guy
don't go out there like an idiot, like an entrepreneur and just dig in
the ground sell shit to the idiots digging in the ground. Now, the
commodity that really shaped his life was rice. This sounds pretty racist already,
but we're just gonna power through something about Josh the rice farmer. No,
he just gets there. He's like, hmm, there's a lot of one
type of person here. He's like, you know what, they want mochi,
And you know what, that's fine because I've dealt with that racism myself.
Every time I go to get tacos. There's a great Takorea at my
gas station that like at the front of my neighborhood. It's it is genuinely
really good, all staffed by these really super nice Mexican ladies who do not
speak English very well, and they know that you can get flour or corn
tortillas. They do not ask. They just look at me, flower.
Flower. They know you want flower. Yeah, he yearns for it.
Flower. But they know you're not eating it there, yep, yeah,
yeah, they know, they know you're taking it to go. Yeah.
I mean, look, I I it almost offends me, but I actually
appreciate it. And depending on they, I'm a little bit more racially ambiguous.
So they have to guess you look pretty like German Viking right now.
The blonde doesn't help, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, you need
to get back to your Portuguese. Do you a little more tan, a
little less blonde, and maybe you'll be more accepted by your people. But
is that what you want? Kind of really yeah, I don't want them
to know my next move. You're like, am I taking it? To
go about eating it? Here? One corn, one flower? So like
you're a car complement, like a compliment to me. You're like to an
older woman is like you get carted right and you're like, oh, oh,
oh, you're a sweetheart. I haven't been guarded in years. A
comment to you would be getting carted by an Ice agent. I was gonna
say, I want Homeland Security to show up to my door. Yeah,
yah, yeah, yeah. Norton made to play for Rice in eighteen fifty
two because China have one of their famines and they all of a sudden they
shut down their export of rice and there's a shortage in the market there.
He had to had to fill gap. Respect it is the Rice Roni,
is the San Francisco treet. Is this the man who created Rice Roni?
It's not. I'm sorry to disappoint. I was ready to go be crazy
if you called it though. No. Rice went from four cents a pound
to thirty six cents because of this. Goddamn that's good, Joe Budd.
You want to get out, you want to get on the bottom floor of
that. Yeah. So trying to corner the market. Norton bought twenty five
thousand dollars worth of rice at twelve cents a pound from Peru. This sounds
like the episode of Always Study where they put gas in the traction and they
go selling gas door to doors. You're just like putting rice in bags and
selling it door to door. Now, twenty five thousand dollars back then,
how much is that? It's a little over a million dollars today? Yeah?
How do you have that kind of liquid cash? Because he's a businessman.
We got in the real estate and he is his previous commodity success.
Did he have that cashally borrow that money? Did he leverage? Yeah?
Yeah. I mean, look, if you're speculating on real estate in San
Francisco at that time, it's like all you're basically saying is like, what
about this land's gonna get more valuable? It was a little bit like,
yeah, a little bit of column, a little bit of column. Every
fucking movie is most land. I mean, I guess until I feel like
Helifornia, was that true? Until now? Like now it's getting less valuable.
It's it's going to fall into the ocean pretty soon. Probably. I
mean if it just breaks off cross just kidding, yeah, get but yeah.
Also, it's just you got a plateau at some point. One would
imagine although the ch if I had ten thousand dollars in the eighteen hundredths,
oh my god, I wouldn't work. What this guy's insane for even I
wouldn't work because I wouldn't be allowed to. True lucky, lucky me,
he was not the only person that had this brilliant idea. Well, yeah,
maybe it's the market. It's a no. Peru was packing that void
to the brim with shipments, causing the price to plunge back down the three
cents a pound by the time Norton was ready to sell. What do you
mean ready to sell? Like it took that long for the rice to get
there. Takes some time to fulfill the order. Mm hmmmm. I mean
it's the international. They got a few months to get it over here on
the steam. You put it on a steamer. If you're even lucky enough
that Peru has a steamship, you know they might be sailing old school.
So Norton tries to avoid the contract, and he gets into a nearly two
year legal battle, which only cost him more money, and the case goes
all the way to the California Supreme Court where they ruled against him in October
of eighteen fifty four. What was his case? Uh? Stuff changed?
Like what what a bitch man? The roller coaster ride of your emotions towards
this man, it's a bout. I never like a bad lawsuit. We're
over We've been overly lit tous from the beginning. Yeah, it's like it's
not a good it's not a great fast I mean it's like the amount of
people that have made their wealth from just like a lucky lawsuit. Oh that's
kind of a dream. I know. I want to get hit by a
bus all the time. Every day there was someone Do you see that that
there's a girl who that kind of goes back to our get rich quick skime.
Right now, hit by a right place, right time, a miracle
baby, the fucking girl. I'm so jealous of that girl. Take a
dive. Was left in a cop car and it got hit by a train.
It's like eight million dollars. Yeah, and she got out of jail.
She was fine. Yeah, they just like they left her. They
parked on the tracks. Wasn't she pretty? Fuck they're so stupid. Cops
are so like season high school. That's what cops stands for. It's like
all like it's people with no common sense and just like posturing. I mean,
who parks on a railroad track? Yeah, that's pretty funny, that's
bad man. Like bus drivers know not to do that. They don't even
have degrees. Well, vers have to stop and then they have to open
their little door. Yeah, but they don't park all they move. They
park they stopped before, and then they look and then they move past.
It's true, it would I could be a bus I could be a bus
driver for children, like in a week right now they're hiring. I don't
want to wake up no of the cops. But true, either way,
you get a gun good benefits. Yeah, you get pretty much the same
pay as an airline pilot. What is a bus driver? But you don't
get the cool benefits of flying stand by anywhere you want all the time.
Is that cool? Kind of sitting in the little jump seat? You also
get that. Like you means you pay, you basically just pay the taxes
and fees of an uncle and a cousin who's a pilot, and they can
like and if sometimes if there's an unsold first class seat, it's still like
sixty two bucks. I just really love the point of entry being, you
know, almost half a million dollars to get your license and then they pay
you like forty grand. Yeah, it's like law school. Do you have
good vision? You can't do it if you need glasses good of good vision.
Do you look at the pilot before you go on and be like I
trust him? I fuck him? No? What that's too Yeah? I
look, But is a what is an airline pilot? A fuckable profession?
Kind of like you're like, they're gone half the time and you can fly
for free anytime you want. Sounds awesome, elite. Yeah, they're probably
ex military. That's where you hope it benefits. Yeah, that's a good
They're gonna get a good loan. That's a mortgage loan. Oh yeah,
oh my god. And when they die, Wow, you're gonna get so
much money pension. If I look at the pilot and he's just sloppy overall,
you don't want to hungover fat pilot. I'm concerned. I actually don't
think I've ever seen a fat pilot. I see him all the time,
really, but you fly spirit sometimes sometimes it's the best flight. Well best
is of all the issues that we currently have going on in the airline industry,
name one that's been Spirit Airlines, just everything, it's always United experience.
I don't fly United, and it's always American. I don't thought of
dying in a plane crash honestly sounds nice. I don't think it's as peaceful
as fire somehow, thinking you're burnt, you gotta put your ear you gotta
like put your earphones in because everyone'snna be screaming. But it's like, it's
horrifying. Can you do You can't do anything. It's just like, let
go here, we go. Well, I think you got to open the
emergency door and try to jump out and maybe try to make a parachute out.
Yeah, I don't think give you parachutes. I don't understand why everyone
just doesn't have a parachute out of their seat. You can pack a parachute
in your carry on and just pay thirty percent less for it with your media
pass. Yeah, yeah, that's yeah, that's the dream. Why would
I want a flotation device right over water? I guess, But I feel
like there's a lot of there's a lot of things that could substitute as a
floatation device, but there's not a lot that could substitute as a parachute.
Exactly. One of the odds, we're gonna land this plane, this bird
on the water, and then you know, I'll be slow totally with it
to take my cushion. It's just not likely. Give me the parachute.
Yeah, out the door, like you just like think about it, like
the plane's going down and you're like, parachutes. We're gonna open the emergency
door one by one, like we're fucking World War two paratroopers just jumping out.
If you have a baby, best of luck to you. Pick your
favorite. You have to pick your favorite. Lucas Turner and Company bank foreclosed
on all of his real estate holdings to pay some of the debt, and
he declared bankruptcy in August of eighteen fifty six. By eighteen fifty seven,
he was pretty destitute, bouncing around from boarding homes to sleeping on the streets
just like Jesus. And in eighteen fifty nine he had finally had enough of
the political structures in this country. So he was mad that the Supreme Court
ruled that he had to pay for the rice he bought at the price they
agreed upon. Yes, I'm sorry, you have to honor your word.
And he was like disc God, he had to pay a lawyer, probably
in like court fees to hear that. You have to just do the business,
he said, you were gonna do with the fucking country. Shit.
He ends up writing a manifesto. Well, don't worry. Oh god,
it's always in fucking man. It's like you could be a unibomber, you
could be an emperor. But it starts with a manifesto. It does,
it does addressing the citizens of the United States. Oh, this is bullshit.
We agreed upon twelve cents. They can fuck me, they can fuck
you. The price they changed three cents before product in hand, three cents.
When twelve cents and three cents, how's that a fair deal. I
don't think I want to live in a country where you can't fuck over your
customer for your own profit. Our nation taking advantage of a good old American.
I like that he was British, but we're all giving rednack accent.
Yeah, I mean it's this is it's a redneck. It's a state of
mind, you know. Yeah, this guy I mean, this isn't even
redneck state of mind. This is a rich guy's state of mind. It's
like how it's just like I should not be poor. Essentially, No,
even if I'm poor because of my own decision, I'm going to make the
argument this is the most American man to ever live. And he's from England.
A right, Well, so was George Wathington a kind of. He
was an English citizen, was never never from England, so he's new England.
Sends his manifesto to the San Francisco Daily Evening Bulletin. We found it
too long a paper name. I agree. They found it hilarious. Yeah,
they're like, okay, loser, fucking great. It's like the equivalent
of somebody like when somebody like hates on you and you post it on your
story, like when somebody posted me in common and like they posted on their
story. So go look at this dork people his profile picture. What a
loser. We did an episode a long time ago on sort of like the
air, like how modern news came to be, and it was it started
right around this time, a little before that, during the Mexican American War,
and essentially, like they were, this was the rise of like what
we know as newspapers today. They were called penny papers, which I assumed
this paper was one of those, and essentially like they were rags. So
like papers before that were very like I think, like the Wall Street Journal
without the opinion section, and you know what I mean, just like dry
shit like do not you do not care about it unless you are like an
educated person or whatever. And then someone got the undeniably bright idea to be
like New York Posts you know what people, Yeah, you know what,
people, the New York Post, the Daily Mail, and they start writing
all kinds of fun I mean, it is essentially like a blog like like
remember like that Hilton, the heydays of blogs like Prez Hilton and Gawker,
stuff like that, where it's just like trash, publish trash, make fun
of trash. Let's point and laugh at this trash. That was petty.
So this is like they're just looking for content and this is glorious cond This
guy is a content. Yeah, he's not a dork. In fact,
the paper, well, you get published once you're gonna you're not. So
it's like it's not maybe it's still a thing when don't listen to the radio
enough to know. But like back in the day, like morning show radios
or radio morning shows. I mean you know, they would get like weirdos
calling in or like that, because yeah, and they would re and they
they would be making fun of the person. You were clearly exposed to laugh
at the person, but they're doing it to the person, and the person's
like, yeah, they're on the joke. And yeah. But here's the
thing. Those people always becoming dear into the fans m hm or to the
people listening, people reading. It's like the uh, that's what happens to
him. The famous one is the Paul Fine bombm caller, the woman from
Alabama, and that Paul I ain't played nobody, Paul I forget her name,
but she died. She died in a car act and I think he
later, two months after his initial manifesto post, wrote a letter declaring himself
Emperor of these United States. By the way, you could probably get laid
pretty well if you just show up with a newspaper clipping being like I wrote
this, what's up, babe? Because I bet most women can't read.
Yeah. He would continue to write royal decrees and have them published over the
years, royal decrease his delusions on this guy. I like him. This
guy's sick. What are you talking about? I'm into him. His first
action is emperor. Imagine calling every tweet a royal decree. Now is he
still homeless? Yes, his whole time. So he has a twenty year
reign and he's a hobo. So this is like Vermin supreme, like a
guy that wears a fucking boot on his Yeah, he was at one time
a successful businessman. Okay, and he'll hear me this guy And I saw
this, like, you know, one of those megaalong threads on Twitter where
he was like a you know, bootstrappie. You know I'm rich now,
but I could do it all again. I could start from zero and I
would make a million dollars in a year, and I bet you I can't.
So he did it. He gave away all his money. He like
sold his house, he gave away everything. He starts from zero. He
starts like busking, and like he keeps trying to like make these different and
basically like he ends up in a trailer with like four other dudes. He
starts like a coffee company for hobos from hobos like that nothing worse, sounds
worse than where he had to have started the first time. But he like
technically was a millionaire, but he was one of those like hustle grind minds,
grindset millionaires, and he was like or like the paper clip, the
same business, and it's drop shipping, and it's it's always or insurance.
It's just like, hey, never sit on product. Fucking flippers. I
hate a fucking real estate flip. There's just middleman. Yeah, every great
industry in this country is just flipping. Yeah. I mean that's what country
is built on. Middleman, that's what the built on would look flooring and
fucking drop shipping. Always export your work. Yeah yeah. See it's cool
to be like in import export versus the drop shipper. Like coming from Texas,
all the rich people I knew in South Texas and they're like, oh,
my dad's an import export. I'm like, your dad's laundering stuff and
money. Cool, Like that's more interesting. Well, if you are a
drop shipper, why don't you call yourself impoart export thirty different businesses. I'm
an entrepreneur. You just get a for on like Instagram, YouTube all the
time where it's like I made a million dollars last year. We have fourteen
different ross dress for lessons and buy all of their yoga mats and put it
on Amazon Easy. You don't even have to do that. You don't have
to go to an actual store. It's like you never see the product.
You never actually hold the problem. Like the people that the gift card,
I don't even understand the gift card where you just make a link where they
like buy thousands of dollars of gift cards. Links like I have fourteen credit
cards and I max them all out and I buy gift cards and I flip
gift cards, and I'm like, what are you doing? Get a job.
Their job is scams. Their job is scams. And also all those
people, all those people play poker. Respect What was his first action as
emperor? You may ask, who did he what did he to criminalize?
Yeah, he abolished Congress. Ah smart, smart, but just like Emperor
Palpatine had to. Yeah, this is actually where they got the idea for
Star Wars. Is it? No, that'd be great if it was.
I mean, Lucas was living in this area. He was like northern California
in the eighteen hundreds. Well shortly after January eighteen sixty, he summons the
army to carry out his orders and dispose of the elected officials in Congress.
Dispose Yeah, like he ordered murder. Yeah, oh sorry, so he
ordered the Union army. I think it plays crazy, hobo. I think
it played then. I mean there a year before a civil war happened.
I want to see this guy on TikTok live right now. Like this guy
is. He's a content creator, is what he is. He was made
for as he was. He was born before his time, right, A
lot of people say, like, oh, I should have been born,
this man should have been born later. Nineteen ninety two, surprisingly, crushing
Norton's orders were ignored by the army. What it's weird, It makes no
dude, like, come on, recognize in his past, Well, did
the Washington did he like post or whatever pick up though? Did he incentivize
it? Was he like anything he ordained or anything he did decreed or you
know, gave out that the papers would publish, right, But I mean,
I know those San Francisco paper publish it. But we're other papers picking
it up and being like dipshit emperor from San Francisco decrees. No, this
is kind of local. Okay, it was just all the same. Maybe
it didn't make the army just didn't hear that's true. That so this is
I mean, it's I think he's kind of picking up on current events too,
right, because you got to think, fuck, when was Harper's ferry,
like eighteen fifty nine or eighteen six something are in there, so like
there's already rebellions going on, there's bleeding Kansas is going on, civil wars
brewing. It's a year away from starting, probably less than a year away
from starting. If it's if he decreases in eighteen sixty and trust me,
he's got takes on the civil wars. Oh, I'm very excited. What
side is he on? Well, he's on his side. In eighteen sixty
two, Norton ordered both the Roman Catholic and Protestant churches to publicly ordain him
as emperor and he would resolve this little conflict called the Civil War. He
said it'd be that while sleeping on the street or you know, occasionally he
could afford a boarding room, Yeah, bouncing around. Are they not paying
him for his art? For his contest? I would love to have that.
It's hard to say how he made money these days. Yeah, he
lost all of his real estate of anything left, the bank took it all.
God damn dude. See, I feel like if you would have just
shut up, if he would have just like l if you just lay low,
just you had to eat shit on the road. So I think it's
a lot easier to do crime in the eighteen hundreds. You do do little
petty crimes, stack some coins, pat your bills, and just move around
through the West, just you know, just do small robberies, not enough
to and don't hurt anyone, right, little rob I would love. That's
what I If I could time travel, that's what I would do. I
would just go back to the eighteen hundreds and do crime. Oh I dream
about like a train. I want to go into a saloon and just and
I want to like you and the boys and just steal people's pocket watch dynamite,
like on the train tracks. You get a man up to a room
in the in the saloon, time flirt play cards. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, that's what I want. I still a towel today from the Soho
house. I love a little I love a little avery, just a little
who we have a friend. I forget who it was, but the Kanye
West tried to like have sex with at the SOHO House cool in Austin.
Ye, any woman in the SOHO House. It was someone who we both
know. I feel like that doesn't can't remember who it was continue because you're
not going to publicly put their name out there. Yeah, but it was
I know who to ask. She got in an elevator with him when he
was like yeah, like at this like hold up in the Austin Soho House,
and he was just like did he just say can we fuck? Yeah?
He's like, hey, con back to my hotel and would fuck me?
Like it was so direct it was stunning. What's your point to that?
I just want to let everyone know rich guys have no game, truly,
they don't need it. They don't need Rizel is not and has never
been attractive enough to just do that. He was talented enough for like four
years, but that was like fourteen years ago, so to the day almost
almost. Yeah. Well, the cowards in both churches ignored his request.
Throw the fact that he first off, there is no Protestant church, so
he's asking like the Catholic church, and then I guess twenty other fucking churches
to do it. You stick to the pope, stick to your guns.
We obviously I speak for the podcast when I say we are papists, we
are, yeah, and we chased the Jewish man out. That's our latest
review is two papists chase a Jew away, which is but because of this,
because they did not ordain him, the emperor, civil war continued.
You can't prove that. That's not one the reason. You can't prove it.
Prove that negative, prove that negative civil war could have ended had you
just done what I said the emperor. He decrees the civil war over bang.
He also proclaimed himself Protector of Mexico when Napoleon the Third installed Maximilian as
his puppet ruler, but later revoked the title, saying it was kind of
impossible. I like that. He's like, Okay, let's get real.
I don't think. I don't think this is actually me. I am the
Emperor, but I can't be the protector of Mexico. So that's not why
he said it was just an unsettled nation. I liked it. He was
like, they're savages. I don't want anything to do with that. I
like that. He was like, you know what, like he's he's you
want a politician who's honest, right, And he said, you know what,
a bit off more than I can chew Mexico by the America first America
burst. That's one of the reasons that the US didn't take the rest of
Mexico when we won that war. Is we were like, oh, it's
kind of wacky change. It's that's self awareness right there. He knows what
he can and cannot control. We love a self aware king, you do.
In a proclamation in eighteen sixty nine, he called for the dissolving of
both the Republican and Democratic parties. I'm sorry, so maybe we should have
listened, guys, maybe could be all united. Smart. Did he have
anything else to say about the Civil War? Did it end? And he
was like, and I thought so, I thought this would be about the
time, so I thought it would play out. He just said that he
could have ended it. He could have ended it earlier, much earlier.
Could have saved lives. Now command he gave in eighteen seventy two, finally
stuck, which one was it? He got one on the board. Finally,
let's hear it. No longer being able to take the disrespect of his
adopted city. He made an imperial order that anyone calling Sam for Francisco just
by the words Frisco would face public shaman and a twenty five dollars fine to
the Imperial treasure, which holds up to this day. If you call San
Francisco Frisco, people that live there will berate you. I actually like San
Fran Fine, SF Fine, Frisco. No, they hate San Fran too.
Really. They think they're like, you know, someone is not from
San Francisco when they call it, but they say SF. They say SF
is what they call it. Yeah, they just they go off the giant's
hat. They're like, yeah, we're SF. They're gonna be in the
ocean in a couple of years, so let's just let him have it.
Yeah, it's all going underwater. They'll be well, there'll just be a
new beach and a new cool place. Now, you could find Norton on
the streets pretty easily. Sounds what I assume he was. That's where he
lives, decreeing things. Yeah, that's where they that's where he is.
Well, No, the decrees are in the papers, Rob. No,
you could find him pretty easily because he routinely wore a blue naval uniform,
a beaver hat with a peacock feather sticking out, and either a walking stick
or umbrella. Can you get a picture of this man? Now? Is
he the original? Yankee doodle Dandy stuck a feather in his cap? Do
you know the point of that song is they're just calling Americans like dip ship
backwoods idiots. But Americans adopted it as like a like a sort of like
they owned the joke and made it a point of bride. But n word
like if you remove the hard arts, like now it's our worst. Yes,
it's our word. Yeah, Yankee doodle Dandy was about how we were
all just like backwoods morons who were like, oh, he sticks a feather
in his cap and he thinks he's all fancy because he's a dumb fuck.
That's what it is. I don't know. He became a bit of a
local celebrity. He's kind of saying in general, Leslie, Yeah, throughout
the entire time, people love him people Leslie. I don't know who that
is. But Leslie was the famous with the two Austin hobo who it was
like trans but he wore like ladies clothes a lot walked around in like a
thong a lot like aw ran for mayor and got a not insignificant amount of
votes for mayor. Like true, I'll actually look up how many votes Leslie
got. Or the chicken guy, the guy with the chicken downtown lady.
Every town, every city has a guy. Let's see that old lady.
Have you seen her with her vagina? I have not what There's a lady
who walks around either wearing a granny panty and nothing else or like shirt and
pussy out, like what are you? The pool? Every town, every
city has a weirdo like this where they do nothing malicious. They're Leslie Cochrane
is the name no criminal activities. He got almost eight percent of the vote
for mayor. That's impressive. Will be lucky if you get yes. Like
literally, a hobo got eight percent of the vote for mayor. We're talking
about a hobo that was emperor true, which is obviously more depressive, but
you know, just say it. There's a long, rich history of hoboes
in political office. You also have to know your hobo, you know,
like you have to know who's in your in your neighborhood, know their name,
know there what their dealings are, what they're up to the good hobo
because on their good side, he'll tell you make sure they're not a total
liability. And then they kind of, you know, shepherd you like they
they let the other hoboes know that, like no, she's cool. The
other the homeless like no, no, like thank you so much, Frederick,
I'm good. It is Frederick here. It was. It was one
of mine. I haven't seen him in a long time. It's like,
please, don't wipe the windshield. People would address Joshua and bow to him
formally while walking by other hoboes. No people, other people much real.
Oh, it's like he's not wearing shoes. You're bowing to a guy with
Yeah, so like it's you bowing to your your homeless guy wouldn't do Joshua.
Public Transit gave him free rides. Nice, it's his, he's he
owns the public HM and stores around the city began selling Norton dolls for kids
to play with. What what did it look like? Did have the feather
in the hole? It's just it had his likeness. Cute. Norton even
began printing his own currency, and some local businesses of residents did, in
fact take it knowing it was not real money. What that's endearing? How
do you ask him for anyway? I got the doll, You got the
doll? Wait, actually, that looks really cool. That looks really kind
of like avant garde and fun. We need to get one for the set
if we can. That's good. It's very bizarre to me that children were
all into it all, but I think all dolls were like, there was
not a cute looking doll during this. They're all like, that's no more
or less horrifying than any other doll that's available. It's more just like,
I guess we almost have a rich tradition of hobo in this country. Like
cabbage Patch kids were kind of homeless, weren't they. Yeah, that was
that was like kind of part of the backstory. Yeah, yeah, I
think we we revere hobo. It's like the whole like train hopper, box
car children. Here, the box car kids a little stick with a bandana
that we very much love, like a bootstrapping hobo. Yeah, well except
they don't pull thoselves up by the bootstrap. They're just like they're living free.
I think that was just depression propaganda. It's not so bad. It's
not so bad, and this was a lot of the population like, hey,
this was your neighbor. Now yeah, like he's having a better time
than you'll ever have. Yeah, he's free. Now, then I'll show
you wrestling over a piece of bread in a train car. Yeah, but
there's somebody getting shang. The hobo goes from place to place with not a
worry in the world. Well, you're tethered to your job and your family.
The world is his oyster. He shocks where he pleases. Now this
currency had no value, obviously most of it doesn't until now. Norton bucks
are still floating around in the collectible space and are going for about five figs.
Okay, Also we need if somebody, if a listener out there,
wants to get us a Norton book. It has as much value as you
say it has. So it's worth about time people were accept If people were
accepting it, then Norton bucks are like better than ethereum right now, Yeah,
then you had value. Whoa the Imperial Government of Norton. Oh I
can't read the rest. It's like in that script. Oh that's what I
meant to ask. How is he to have this printed? That's the thing.
Businesses just did things for It was just like, ah, it's funny,
it's like a good advertisement. It's just a cool dude. I guess
yeah, apparently it's so cute. I honestly, I am into it the
more I hear. I like his gumption. He's got boxy day real quick.
Before we get back into this week's episode, we do you have some
ads. Let's talk about something. Josh Norton wishes he had a bed,
specifically a ghost bed. Go to ghostbed dot com Ford's Last Drinking Ros to
get the best beds you will find anywhere. They are made in America.
They are They all have cooling technology. I'm talking the mattresses, the pillows,
the sheets. You can get an adjustable base. You can get an
adjustable base there. And here's the crazy thing. It's the best betting in
the world, the best mattresses in the world, the best everything in the
world. Right now at ghostbed dot com forts Last Drinking Bros. If you
use the promo code Drinking Bros. You will get fifty percent off your entire
order. You could order four mattresses. You live in a four bedroom house,
four mattresses. You get fifty percent off of that You're not finding that
deal anywhere else. They're betting is incredible. The sheets, the pillows,
the pillowcases, weighted blankets, they have RV mattresses. All this stuff has
cooling technology. All of it you will get for fifty percent off using the
promo code Drinking Bros. At Ghostbed Dot com Forts Last Drinking Bros. You
could try the matches one hundred one nights free. Don't like, you can
send it back. You can finance the mattresses zero down, zero percent financing.
I think it's like thirty months something like that. I mean it is.
You don't need a good credit score to get it either. I'm telling
you like, this is an easy mattress to get in terms of financing or
credit or whatever. And in terms of price, you literally cannot beat it.
And by the way, they are insanely comfortable. You get cooling technology,
which is huge in the summer. I've touched their cooling technology below before
and it did not make any physical sense to me, Like I thought there
was just a ghost inside of it. Ghost Bed. I mean, this
stuff is all great. It is all fantastic products. Don't go to some
dinky strip mall and buy stuff there. Ghostbt dot com forwards last Drinking Bros.
Fifty percent off your entire order with the promo code Drinking Bros. These
are the best mattresses in the world. Check it out today. Now,
some of his royal decrees also had foresight of what would eventually happen, so
we should we should credit him for some of these colt run up with crypto
no invlockchain. In the eighteen sixties, he was calling for the League of
Nations. Okay, sure, and he also said that they should build a
bridge between San Francisco and Oakland. Look at him, I feel like these
aren't creative ideas really, but he's on that block. He's the first one
on this. Well, he suggested a fast rail that connects Austin, San
Antonio. Houston. Tell that sounds like if you hear like a hobo,
if you like walk around downtown Austin and some hobo is like, we need
to build a city on the moon, and then like in two hundred years
there is a city on the moon. They're like, well, that hobo,
you should be credit that man actually has a point, he actually knows
what he's talking about. You should at least get a building on the minon.
Okay, all right street just random hobo way. Norton spent most of
his day inspecting the streets, wandering the parks and looking for cigarette butts the
street, all right, collecting just can now. Uh. He was wandering
parks, libraries. He'd make friends with stray dogs, as one does,
and he would go to musical and theatrical performances that would let him in.
Yeah, he's cultured. Mm hmm. He's got a show face, he's
got a you know, hold court. Would he get a good seat?
Sometimes I think any seat is a good seat if you don't have a home.
But he's an emperor without a home. He gets a box. Yeah,
he's a man without a change, smoking cigarette butts. It's a life.
Just imagine him with two stray dogs, just walking into a performance of
like The Nutcracker late. He probably shows up late. Yeah, he just
comes to what he wants. It's it's easier if you know, we don't
say anything. Let's actually give him five dollars. It's called hush money.
He's quiet, don't bother interrupt the performance. I feel like there's a lot
of restaurants like that where it's like, yeah, he's just he comes,
he sits on the porch, he drinks water water and sits in the shade.
It just let it be. We've tried to throw the trash out.
He scoops the roadkill from the from the street. There was one time there
is like a hobo going through a dumpster in college at the Attorney House,
and I like, I was a dumb freshman and I was just like to
the president. I was like, should we do something? And he was
like, do what. It's fucking trash. Just let him take it.
He's just he's gonna go take it and recycle it. Somebody did that to
me this week, my trash, Like on this the cans, the cans,
I felt pretty bad. What the cans you have? I drink a
lot of sparkling water, Okay, I mean for us makes sense. I
drink a lot of sparkling water on a Monday morning, crushing like three to
four sparkleys a day. Okay. What like Lacroix Liquid Death? Buy Liquid
Death. They're not sponsored anymore, but maybe they will some day. I
buy the Randall's brand because it's the cheapest. Oh boy, you do it,
Okay, I should scratch a lot of sparkling water. Okay's living that
emperor life. Yeah, wasn't all sunshine and rainbows in San Francisco for Norton,
however, Oh no, there's a dark side. Well it is.
It is San Francisco. I like, by the way that the Emperor of
San Francisco then is of America America, but respect No. In eighteen sixty
seven, Norton was arrested by a local police officer, which was more of
a private security guard at the time, rent a cop armand barbier. Of
course he's foreign. Do you have a foe? He sounds foreign for mental
insanity with the intention about it. That's subjective, that's mean. He's our
lunatic. He's not a lunatic. I feel like the city probably rose up
and it did give him back. They did. The city was outraged.
Citizens went to the station in droves to complain. Newspapers wrote scathing editorials about
the department, and by the end of the week, police Chief Patrick craw
He ordered Norton to be released and issued a public apology on behalf of the
force. It was it in the paper. I want a binder, I
want like a book of everything he ever wrote, and it ends and like
with that in it too. Oh man, I wonder if those are on
newspaper dot com. They've got to be his editorial. Just go through San
Francisco papers in the eighteen sixties and seventies. Yeah, can somebody do that?
Yeah, you can do it newspapers dot com. Baby, it's kind
of expensive, you know when I when I say somebody I want, can
somebody else like compile do it for us, do the work for us,
and then send show the link, send the link. We'll share it.
Mm hmmm. After this, Norton then issued an imperial pardon too Officer Barbier.
Well that's kind of a bigger person, yes, yep. And from
then on out he was saluted every time he passed an officer on the streets.
Wow, that's funny. I tick back what I said about the police.
They're not so bad. After in eighteen seventy US census, like I
said earlier, actually had Norton officially listed with the profession Emperor. Norton also
wrote many letters to Queen Victoria of England, his peer, his contemporary.
He loved her. Yeah, is he a chubby chaser? She's a big
woman. Well, he was offering marriage after the death of her husband,
Prince Albert, to strengthen the ties between our two nations. Oh my god,
even you know what I mean, a super empire England and the United
States that would have really been cool rejoined. The queen never responded and died
a lonely widow. Yeah, that's you need to be. First off,
the queen could have lived longer. Needs the self awareness to know, like,
yeah, your second second go round, you're not gonna get what you
want necessarily. That's like Travis Kelsey, how he was like outwardly talking about
how much he likes Taylor Swift. Yeah, and he gave her his number
on in the friendship bracelet and then they ended up together like he manifested it
like she did. She wasn't reading the DMS, but then she looked,
she considered it, She entertained the idea, and it was like, actually,
this might be good for America. And you know what it is,
the NFL is reaping the financial benefits. Can't go in if you don't shoot,
yeah, shoot or shoot. Norton did, however, have much correspondence
with the King of Hawaii. Wait what king, Oh, this is pretty
before it's the state King of Hawaii. Before we got there, there was
a kid fu Comho the fifth. I can't say his name. Day.
It's not an easy language. It's not good. Sounded pretty good, actually,
like it was pretty close. I said it really slow. I'm sure
you say it sounded it out very fast. But the King of Hawaii ultimately
refused to recognize anyone but Norton as the sole leader of You know, I
think that maybe why we invaded dol Banana took that as ah. Do you
think hates him? Do you think Hawaii blames Norton? May it's not for
the emperor. I think they recognized Norton as the rifle leader and the problem
that the fruit went around him. The fruit companies show up and they're like,
by decree of America's Emperor, Josh Norton, you are not allowed here.
And they were like, yeah, I don't. Okay, well we're
gonna kill all you. Now give us your pineapples, fuck off. Pay
nine dollars a gallon for gas. When I was in Hawaii for uh make
it worth its perfect, we were on some rum safari. It was really
cool. We're in Kawhi. We had a rum plantation and we're doing like
a whole like little thing through the jungle, take different drinking, different ru
rum drinks and all this shit, and uh, you know, I you
could tell his guys to answer this question a million times, but he's a
local, like running the rum tour, and people are like, so,
what's it like to live here? You know, like, I mean,
you know, it's got to be crazy. And he's like, yeah,
you know, milk is six dollars a gallon or whatever it is. And
he's like, so that's crazy. But you know, I get fresh tuna
right off the coast for like, you know, way less than a costs
in you know, the mainland. And I was like, I don't think
that's a good trade off. I don't think that the tuna. You just
can't possibly eat enough tuna to make up for milk and gas, milk and
gas and everything else, the amount of tuna. And by the way,
you can't take boats really between islands. You have to fly at this point
because they were just mrking too many humpback whales, right, the ferries were
just murking whales. Yeah, oh no, just like speed bombs, like
shaving off the top of the way we hit it. The way we hit
a deer with a car. Yeah, she's like, oh, there goes
another street rat. Yeah, another giant rat. But I love whales.
But yeah, I was like, well, good for you and your tuna,
the one animal that got on land, and was like, nah,
back to the ocean. Yeah. Now, all great rains, unfortunately,
have to come to an end. It's true. Oh no, did you
ever have a woman and she her wife or a lady lover or man?
Yeah, Queen Victoria, Oh an unrequited love. Yes, he was chasing,
but not like a partner. He didn't have a he didn't have a
you know, you don't think he used his local celebrity to maybe. I
definitely think before he was like hyper homeless. He was waving newspaper calling people's
faces. But I assume he had been Mars talking a big game. Yeah,
I bet he was a charmer. Like I bet if you were,
like, if he had just got in a shower that day, and if
he's in the bar sitting on he could take her to a show, get
him free and look, we can get on the trolley for free. Yeah.
When you're when you're on the arm of a man who just like knows
everyone and everyone knows him. It is impressive, and you don't know why
they know him. You just know that, like everyone knows his name,
he must be really rich and important. Turns out he wants to come back
to your place, doesn't have one. He gives the establishment his own currency,
and they take it. They take it. Are they smile? My
god? What more could you want from them? I hope he I hope
he had a couple, you know, I bet he did. I want
that happiness for him, because he's given me a lot of joy right now.
So you swung back. You hated this man at first? No,
I did, But I'm on board. I'm fully on board. So January
eighth, eighteen eighty, Norton collapses on the street across from Old Saint Mary
Cathedral. By God, Norton died before a carriage could arrive to treat him.
Carriage and the following morning, the San Francisco Morning Call printed his obituary
that red upon the reac impavement in the darkness of a moonless night until the
drip and rain. Norton, the first, by grace of God, Emperor
of the United States and Protector of Mexico, departed the day he renounced that
title. Yeah, he didn't keep it. Get a fact checker. San
Francisco Chronicle Observer page. Whatever the fuck this fucking editorial rag is called what
a beautiful obituary? Though the San Francisco Chronicle led its article on his funeral
with the king is dead, Oh my God, and everyone's like, Queen
Victoria's still alive. She owns America. Now it's hers hers. She got
it in the in his will. Yeah, Norton died in complete poverty.
Disagree? Five dollars in small change was found on him. Five five Norton
dollars or five regular Yeah, that's a good question. A little bit of
calm mad, a little bit of calm bee. He's supposed to have been.
Have he tasted in one of these small boarding rooms that he would occasionally
rant. It was discovered he had a collection of walking sticks, a battered
saber, a variety of hats, a handful of Norton bonds, And I
like, did he get a bo he is? He issued Norton cash and
Norton Yeah, I like him. He's entrepreneurial. Fake telegrams from the Tsar
of Russia congratulating him on the marriage to Queen Victoria. Oh, he was
manifesting hard. They also found ninety eight shares in a defunct gold mine.
That's the most real thing. Yeah, he ever owned. But I would
say he didn't die destitute or in complete poverty. A man's true wealth is
his friends. Well, you die twice. The first time is when your
heart stops, and the second time is when no one says your name.
And we're continuing to say his name right now, live, right now.
And in fact, citizens paid for his funeral, and over ten thousand people
showed up to say they're goodbyes. I feel like the pope has less people
show up to his funeral. I don't think that's accurate. I think it's
arrivals to the pope. I will check, and I'll do the least popular
pope, which is Pope Benedict. Yeah, you gotta do it by population
though, right, So, how many people were in San Francisco at this
time? Okay, we're doing right. Stats? Probably not right. Let's
just look at numbers. Yeah, right, But anyway, ten thousand people
showed up said the goodbye, and he's still an iconic figure to this day
in the city of San Francisco. Does he have a statue. Is that
what Norton software is named after? No anti virus. Yeah, they're like,
it's all a scam. We're making this up. That's why they called
it Norton. They just idolize him. Fifty thousand people were at Pope Benedict's.
Okay, but if we did do ratios, if we did ratios,
well there are a billion, like two billion Catholics. So he kills it
in the ratio. Oh yea yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
San Francisco only had in the eighteen eighties two hundred and thirty three thousand people.
Okay, he's doing better. Five percent of San Francisco showed up to
wear Hobo's fucking funeral. It's probably not right. That math. That math
is definitely not right. I wasn't gonna question it. It feels we don't
do math here. Yeah, I wasn't in softcore math. And that,
my friends, is the story of Emperor Norton. Okay, long may he
reign eighteen When did he die in eighteen eighty? It was a good life.
It's a good long time back then. Sixty two not bad for a
hobo, not bad for a hobo on the streets and twenty years on the
streets for sure, twenty year rain. It was a great reign, mostly
peaceful rain, mostly peaceful, the small wars. It wasn't ruler. Also,
every good ruler gets imprisoned against their will. True, and he was
like the Mandela he has. What I'm saying is he is of San Francisco.
They they were going to the streets for him. They wanted him out,
and they got him out. The Norton effect, you just the Norton
effect is you just manifest and just kind of scam your way into rooms you
don't belong in. I Also another thing that's very modern American about this man
is that he was super famous but never made a dime off it. The
amount of like for every like you know, every TikTok star, it's that
is every TikTok star, right, like for every whatever. Like obviously Tom
Hanks is an old actor, but even like Sidney Sweeney just bought a fourteen
million dollar house, right for every like super rich celebrity you know about there's
a hundred other people that are hell of famous that have nothing. Yeah,
do you think they have a lot? They maybe even get all the actors
that all the Hollywood actors that live in Austin. Yeah, I mean,
what's Chewbacca mom up to? Yeah? Right, she has zero dollars to
her name, guaranteed. Would you guys learn today? I learned to withhold
my judgment until I hear the whole story. That's a good it's a good
lesson, and I think we should all kind of take from this story.
I learned that I don't know. I just learned that America has a true
rule and we need to find his He had to have sired a bastard at
some point. We need to find the Norton line and get them back in
power. See if they continued give him back, put them back on the
throne. Yes. Also, I learned that in twenty thirty, I'm going
to come up with the best possible job title for myself and put that on
the census self reported. Yes, who's Hitler? Today's Hitler's queen Victoria and
the cop that arrested him for Yeah, but he pardoned him. That I'm
saying Norton pardoned the cop, So he's the bigger man. I am not.
I'm not pardoning him. I hold, he's asking you as a bigger
guy one of his you know, followers, followers, citizens, believers,
subjects. He wants you to forgive this cop. That's fair if that's what
Norton wants, if that's what he wants. But Queen Victoria, I won't
forgive. Never got back to him. Why did you leave that man on
red? Absolutely ghosted? Pathetic. That's why he died alone. That's what
she died. She died alone, fat and alone. She was circumference was
the same as her height, more or less. She was a virgin who
couldn't drive, virgin who could. He was willing to take one for the
team, for the love he so much from a distance. Yeah, he
just saw one. He's not a pretty woman. Homies with the King of
Hawaii. I do like that the King of Hawaii made a really not advisable
alliance, kind of unfortunate. He never made like probably there's a lot of
unadvisable choices made for a visit. Yeah, I just think may look,
I don't know it sound racist or anything here, but I have to imagine
that the King of Hawaii didn't know what a po box was, and it's
just a red flag. If the leader of a country you're mailing, you
have to send it to a po box. Honestly, it's a red flag
if the address ends in any thing other than a zero, like if it's
not like a perfect address. Oh you know, like sixteen hundred. Yeah,
you know, like ten. You need a whole block, you need
a whole block like. It needs to be like a perfect round number,
clean number. Yeah. If it ends it's or or it's fine if it's
a double digit number, if it's like ninety eight. Oh what is a
like twelve? What is the Where does the UK Prime Minister live? It's
somewhere Downing Street ten nine ten, Downing Street nine, Downing Streets only there
it's ten. You're probably right, yeah, why would it be nine?
I don't fucking know. Ten's just like a good number. It's always a
good it is ten down. It's always a good zero number. It's always
a number that is zero. That's wealth that yes, or a two number
address, A two number address is wealth ten ten. Well, that's our
show for today, ladies and gentlemen, thanks for tuning in. Like we
said off the top of the show, got a Patreon, Patreon, dot
com, slash soft or history. You get two additional episodes every week Wednesday,
and Friday and then uh, software history dot com. We got merch
that you can buy. I'm gonna try to get some new designs up there
in the next month, so stay tuned. And then YouTube software History on
YouTube. Make sure to subscribe on for the dogs. Just search it.
Yah, dog do you really? I do? And I'm a patron.
Get those views? Okay, you knew I'm a patron. I did know
that. Yeah, yeah, we appreciate are we not just supplying the people
with endless content? The whole back catalog is literally evergreen, So like Evergreen.
I'm a patron and I'm in the discord and I saw that not many
people liked my little chit chat a couple of weeks ago, so sorry about
that. Wait what No, they just didn't I like, how to mute
the discord notifications. I was like, this is hurting my field. Oh.
The producer she was just like, I was like, oh, the
Patreon. I was like, it's a lot more relaxed. No, it's
not, it's that it should be less relaxed. No. No, they
were just caught off guard because you were talking about what who is is that
the voice of God? It's okay, but yeah, I didn't read it.
I saw that it wasn't nice and I didn't read it. We have
game shows. We have an episode last week in the defense of Benedict Arnold.
He did and I agreed with Benedict. Kind of shocker. I'm a
boot licker, Yeah, lickor make sure to leave a review on Apple write
it out five stars please and thank you, and then Spotify just five stars
if you can. You don't have to write anything. Yep, that'd be
greatly appreciated. Views help us go up the charts. And honestly, the
best way to grow the podcast is to just tell your friends, tell your
friends word of mouth, check them your favorite episode, send the link to
an episode. Don't just say listen to this podcast, send hey, I
think you'd like this episode. That is the way to do it, certainly,
because you know we're not always on every week. Gabby working people find
you follow me on Instagram at gab Monte and if you're in Austin, come
to our stand up shows. Yeah you'll see it. Yeah, you see
it on the Instagram. You'll see it. Yeah. Well, thanks for
thanks joining us this week. For Gabby and Rob, I'm damn regester and
you just guess all served