I'm Casey Tanner and I'm Camille Lewis, and this is safe word. Safe
word is sex therapy unhinged because instead of being a blank slate that's just here
to support you, we're telling you all the details about our own sex lives,
relationships, identities and more. This isn't sex and it's not therapy,
but we are sex therapists and what you hear today may excite you. Each
week we talk a theme related to sex, relationships, gender, and more.
This week we're diving into the theme three somes and more. Sums yes,
yes, yes, yes fun. Also, Casey, you're giving Big
Laura La Gilmore energy today with is it the blue eyes and the brown hair?
Yeah? Yeah, thereka is no better compliment. Thank you so much.
There's the you know, it's a great combo. Thank you, thank
you. I'm so excited for this episode so that you can teach me about
group sex. Oh, there's some not no pressure at all. I just
I was reading these questions and I was like, damn, this is humbling.
I've had one threesome. This is not necessarily my area of expertise.
So maybe I'll just put that out there that well, first, that you
should take everything I say today with a grain of salt. This is me,
as a relationship therapist thinking out loud about threesomes and more sums and I
think two as as our podcast coordinator at pointed out, maybe some of the
anxiety and nervousness I'm feeling today is what a lot of people feel when they
think about or maybe join group sex for the first time. Absolutely, And
you know, all of this is so exciting to talk about, I think
because it's also like inherently relational. We're all just we're talking about connecting with
people. So maybe that will help you ease into this episode and know that
you probably have a lot more to contribute than you think. Thank you.
Do you want to maybe tell a story? I can tell a story.
Yeah, story time totally. I have a couple of stories I could tell.
One is on a threesome that I had in Jamaica on the beach.
Oh my god. Also was my first time having like beach. Actually,
when we talked about water sex, I kind of did, sure, water
that's right? And a threesome Damn it was great. I was in Jamaica
for a wedding and there was a couple there and when I start drinking.
I'm just a little bit more like most people uninhibited about the things that I
say. And there was just this couple and I just felt like the vibes
were strong. It was like a het couple, and the girl was like
giving me some vibes and I was like, you know, I was like,
are you like into women in like a gay way? Yeah, so
much. And she starts laughing. She's like, oh my god, wait,
what what makes you ask that? And I was like, I don't
know, You're like throwing very strong energy. And so, I mean,
long story short, like I ended up we were like, okay, like
we should do this, and then they were in like a long term relationship
and so he was very much like trying to respect her comfort and which I
thought was really sweet. And I went to their room and I thought that
we were just going to hook up there, but then we ended up going
down to the beach and then it was just like body parts everywhere, and
we were like in the in the water and the shallow end and then like
on like a cabana bed, and you know, it was pretty wild.
And then like, yeah, it was pretty great and it was a lot
of fun and also I think afterward after we got back to the States,
um, we had exchanged numbers, me and the and the woman exchanged numbers
and it was funny because I didn't have a swimsuit, so she let me
borrow hers, and I would like sent her a picture of one day wearing
it, and she actually called me to talk about what had happened. And
I was nervous at first because I was like, she sent me a text,
was like can we talk and I was like, oh God, like
I fucked something up. But she was just like I just wanted to make
sure that everything was okay with you, and like I had a lot of
fun, and also like she had some nervousness because her boyfriend was like,
I don't know if this is like what we should be doing. Like he
actually had more reservations than she did. And she was like, let's get
and pop in again. And it was really interesting and she's like, and
I know you're a sex therapist, so it was really a wonderful experience.
And they're both really hot, and yeah, I love I love their attention
to you, and I love the aftercare. Yeah, and I think it's
so interesting. I imagine this happens a lot where where maybe if it's a
threesome and there's a couple in the dynamic, they're really anxious about like how
how's the third feeling, how's feeling? But in this case, you're like,
I'm fine, Like y'all are a little bit more anxious than I am.
Yeah, so interesting the things we assumed to going into it totally and
I you know, when I got there, I was like, so,
how is everyone feeling? As like, what are some of the things that
are off limits? And you know, there was definitely some like you know,
I think that this happens like the prioritization of like what sex looks like
and like if it's penis and vagina, than that is off limits, which
is something that they were that was off limits for them, which I have,
you know, I have thoughts about what we can get into it later.
But at the same time, I was like, this is spontaneous,
it's happening. I don't this is not I don't need to push against this
because I recognize that all the things that we're about to do are going to
be it's all sex, So okay, well, while we're there, Yeah,
I don't think this is an exact question, But I am curious,
like, what are the thoughts you had about penis vagina sex being off limits
in this threesome or in threeesomes generally. I don't want to like reduce it,
but I think that in general, if because so many people think of
that as being what defines sex, I think it just is like pretty and
inherently like a little bit homophobic, because I'm just like, well, if
we're all touching each other and making out an oral and fingers and also like
all sorts of stuff, you know, why is it only sex if this
happens with me? So I have some thoughts about that. I think that
a lot of people do. And I think especially you know, for people
who have volva's who have sex with one another and it not being considered cheating
to some people or not be considered sex to some people. I think that
it is particular to that as well, And you know, I take some
issues with that. Yeah, I could see why that makes sense. I
was going to share the singular story that I have to offer, which is
about a threesome I had maybe two or three years ago. It could not
have been more ideal for me. I was out with my partner where you
ran into a woman that I had been into for a really long time but
hadn't really gotten to hook up with, and she seemed into us, we
seemed to her. Now, I imagine that it's not best practices to have
zero conversation about what's about to happen, But everything was really nonverse bowl in
a way that I think, I think ended up feeling good for all of
us. But we basically went back to my place. I was drunk,
so I don't remember every detail of it, but what I do remember is
my biggest fear was what jealousy would come over me? Would there be ways
that she pleasured my partner that were better than I could, or would I
see a face of total pleasure come over my partner that I'd never had her
makeup before, And would I never be able to get that out of my
head? Obviously I'm saying that struggles with jealousy if you can't tell. But
none of that, none of that came up. I felt totally safe,
totally held, I felt I felt like ready to do it again. We
all debriefed the next morning, and we bought my roommate donuts because I feel
like we were really loud and obnoxious and it was it was all around a
great experience. So yeah, I and we hadn't talked about, no rules
ahead of time, nothing like that, and it was just one of those
situations where we all I think we all just respected each other. I think
also having a b three women was like a particular vibe as well. So
I don't know, as we get into this, I might I might have
different thoughts about that experience in retrospect. But it was great, that's amazing,
and I think it just shows like there's a million different ways that this
can happen and it can be so fun and fulfilling. And I actually a
group of friends had group sex like a couple of weekends ago, and I
missed it and I was so mad. And it was like a bunch of
like of queer women as well, and they were like, yeah, Camille
should have been here. So I felt missed. You were missed. I
have no doubt, but I'm real sad it'll happen again. I have a
feeling. Yeah, I hope. So I have a feeling. Okay,
let's dive in. Let's do it. So I'm gonna ask you first one
because I'm self conscious and too because we kind of started talking about this.
So unicorn hunting obviously a really controversial behavior. Yep, what do you think
maybe we define it as well? From my understanding is typically, and you
know this is a very gendered understanding of it, typically a het couple who
looks for a bisexual theem or woman to join in their sex life or relationship.
Is that your understanding of it. Not to throw more controversial phrases even
into the definition of this, but like a het presenting couple, often a
couple wherein one member of the relationship is bipan queer pulling a third in.
I almost ever hear unicorn hunting being about actually wanting any kind of polyamory or
any kind of long term relationship. Usually it's positioned as playing together. Could
be once, could be repeatedly, but the idea is, yes, there's
one couple and then a third being brought in. I think I've complicated thoughts
about it, Like on the one hand, like I think that there has
been some conversation I think in the community about like what this phrasing means and
what it means about exclusivity and things like that. On the other end,
my been in a situation I was, I guess, considered to be the
unicorn in that situation, and because I felt like cared for, it didn't
really bother me. And I also didn't feel like preyed upon. And I
think that that's what the phrasing brings about, is just like just like,
you know, like putting like your sights on anybody who will do it,
and just kind of in a more predatory sense and not in like a humane,
person centered sense. And so I think that that's where it trips me
up. I don't think that the desire to like have a threesome with another
person in and a like, that's not an issue. I think that the
ethos or the language around unicorn hunting, I think can sometimes feel just a
little bit yucky. No, I agree. I think I think we've maybe
taken it a little bit too far and said anytime head presenting a couple is
looking for a third, that that's unethical, and that's not true at all,
right. It's more it's more like, if there's any objectification that isn't
consensual or dehumanization, if they're exercising a lot of couple's privilege with no conversation,
no awareness of it. That's that's when it gets harmful. But it's
I mean, hunting is also such a stigmatizing word, Like it is really
hard to make these things happen, to create spaces where this happens. And
I think, Okay, maybe we're on the hunt whatever, but like we're
just we're just looking in a world where it can sometimes be hard to find
people who share the same desires as us. So yeah, it can be
done poorly, but I think to your point, it can be done.
It could be done ethically. Yeah, absolutely, Okay. Our next question
says, I want to talk to my therapists about my nerves about going to
a sex party, but I'm afraid since the therapeutic relationship is obviously a microcosm
of our other relationships, Like I'd really just wonder what goes on for you
when you think about sex parties generally, if they're shame guild, the anticipation
that you'll be judged. What do you think people will perceive or wonder about
you if you say out loud that you're somebody that's excited about a sex party.
Those are things that, of course would we would worry about with our
therapists, right it's just another relationship. So in any of the cases where
somebody is worried about bringing something up, I always encouraged talking about talking about
it, maybe before talking about it. So this could look like there's something
I want to bring up. I've been thinking about it for a while,
but I feel hesitant, And you could even just stop there because a good
therapist is going to know how to engage in that conversation. Or if you
want to say, like I mean, I actually think when it comes to
belief systems, orientations, behaviors that tend to be stigmatized, I think we
have the right to ask our therapists their stance on it before we launch into
anything vulnerable. So you might feel your therapist out and you might have really
good reasons for being afraid of bringing it up with your particular there. If
I brought up sex party with my sis male het therapist, which you know,
do a whole episode on that, he probably he probably would judge me.
I choose not to bring them up there, but I think you could
ask, like, what's your stance on this, what's your experience with this?
And if they have a stigmatizing response right off the bat, it's like
Okay, this isn't the this isn't where you're going to bring this, and
if you feel brave enough in that moment, it's not that this is your
job, but it could be interesting to actually say, like, Okay,
your response actually made me not feel so safe to talk about this here.
That could be an interesting conversation in therapy. So lots of directions you can
go with this. M I agree. I mean, I think that it's
normal to feel fear or shame when talking about things that have typically been stigmatized.
There's not a lot of space anywhere where these things are feel like readily
available or approachable. So the fact that yeah, therapy is a microcosm of
like what happens outside of the therapy space makes sense that you'd be like,
what is coming up for me about this and to have some nerves and some
yeah feelings about going to Yeah, I think it makes I mean, hey,
it makes sense. And like, also, I love the feeling out
the therapist before and maybe this is a therapist with whom you've never talked about
sex at all. It is part of a therapist job to be able to
talk about a lot of things. And if this person doesn't feel like they
are aligned with you and your values, you know, kind of like you
said, Casey, like, maybe that doesn't feel like the place to bring
it, and maybe you look for a therapist that feels or a therapist or
a coach. I guess who could talk to you about this very specific thing,
and maybe you talk with that with them they are, and then everything
else with the other therapist, because it doesn't mean that they are a bad
therapist necessarily, but I think that when you're talking about something vulnerable, you'd
want someone equipped to hold space for you in a way that feels like valuable
to you. Yeah. Right, The last thing you want is your therapist
actually adding shame in stigma. Yeah, we're going to take a quick break
to talk about an amazing show Bedside, And I know it's amazing because a
couple of months ago I was a guest in The conversation is seriously not to
miss questions like how do I have better orgasms, build amazing relationships? Talking
about what does good sex mean? What does that look like in practice?
Each week on Bedside, sex educator Tatiana Dells into intimate interviews and explorations around
modern day sex, dating, love, and wellness with the little manifestation sprinkled
in there too. Bedside chats with sexperts and wellness thought leaders about the many
and unique approaches to sex pleasure, all while keeping you curious, informed,
and of course, having fun. You can expect topics like friend breakups,
ghosting, tips from sex therapists, and explorations into the energetics around love,
partnership, and sexuality. Tune into Bedside wherever podcasts are found, available on
all streaming platforms. Bedside is your go to resource for all things good sex.
Next question, it's an ethical way for a couple to approach a third
person to invite into a threesome. I there are a lot of options.
Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of options when I am thinking about
the different experiences that I've had, Like the one that I described at the
beginning of the episode, it was kind of like I threw it out there
because I was feeling the vibes. But I've also had a threesome where it
was like an X of mine and we ended up having a threesome with my
best friend. And I don't know if I've talked about that here. That
was a choice I was in my early monnies, and I think that this
is probably something that comes up a lot. I don't know. My motivation
to having a threesome was probably to try and save the relationship and interesting,
and I think that that does happen. I didn't feel like yucky or anything
about it, but I've had approached my friend and essentially like just asked her
and just talked to her about it and was just like, what's your vibe
with this? I mean, this is literally over ten years ago. Wow.
And I think we were also like rewatching the L word together, she
and I and so it was like we're already like feeling very because the L
word, especially at that time. I was like, this is this like
sophomore and I'm here for it. Yeah. And so then we were just
kind of in the moon. I was like, what's your stance on this,
and like we would be interested if you would. And then we all
were at a strip club and then we were like in a room getting a
like a private dance of the three of us from a striper. I was
really fun, and then went to a hotel. It was great, like
I had a great time, and then she and I ended up having sex
just the two of us at a later date. So, okay, after
I broke up with this X who was terrible, Wait, can I ask
a follow up question about about what you just said? You said you think
maybe in retrospect, you were having a threesome to try to save the relationship.
I definitely, of course, I'm familiar with opening up as an attempt
to save the relationship. I've never heard of like sex with a third person
being an attempt to save the relationship. So I'm so curious about that.
I mean, I think that in my mind, I was just feeling really
desperate to hang on to this person, and it had been mentioned as something
that he was interested in. It was something that I was always interested in,
as I think, especially like as I was navigating like my identity as
bisexual, and so I was like, that sounds dope. I'm trying to
be with all of the body parts, like I don't care. I think
as we were going through issues, I'm like, well, what about a
threesome? You know kind of just says this a to be like I'm so
cool and see and down and like you're never going to find anybody else like
as awesome compleet sense. Yeah, yeah, that really helps me understand,
and it sounds like for you in retrospect, it didn't feel like it still
felt values aligned. At the end of the day, it did, and
I think that the next day I went over to her house and we just
kind of looked at each other and we're like, okay, happened. Yeah,
and then we just like ordered food and cuddled and kept watching the Alt
words amazing. Oh my god, I love that so much. Yeah,
but I have not answer as the question about like how to you ask someone.
I think that I think that you pose it as a curiosity, not
a demand, and that is an assumption which I think can happen a lot.
You know, there's a bunch of stuff that's like you get approached at
a bar and it's like me and my partner think you're cute, and that
that's like the that's like the entry to which I'm like, why should it?
I mean, I guess there when it's a couple approaching somebody else,
there's some power dynamics involved there, But why should it be so different from
approaching an individual as an individual? Right? Like, you're you're still just
hitting on somebody, You're still just inviting somebody in I think not that it's
wrong to walk up to somebody at a bar and say, like, do
you want to go home with me? You know, sometimes sometimes it's right,
but I think often you warm up, you flirt, you figure out
if it feels like there's vibes, and so I wonder if you maybe flirts
as a couple and you just see if they're giving vibes back, and then
I think you have to be very clear. Then at some point it has
to transition to some kind of clarity about what it is that you're talking about.
We're not inviting you back for scrabble, And I think also, like
as you were saying that, I'm thinking, like it you do, there
is a clarity here that there might not be in maybe one on one flirting.
Hitting on scenes where it's like this is what we're trying to do,
like yeah, are you trying to do this specific thing or not? So
that that's kind of cool because then somebody can just be like, oh,
okay, yes or no. And I think there's like a more ambiguity when
it's this one I want because you're like are you are we And then we
don't name it and we just want it to be spontaneous. I definitely had
a I went on a date with a couple and it never went anywhere,
and we talked on the date about like our sexual interests and some of that
stuff. At the beginning of the date, I was interested, but as
time went on and they described some of the dynamics they were looking for,
it wasn't like dynamics I felt I could bring to the table. And then
I wasn't interested in the end, and I could tell they just felt like
they totally wasted their time. And I think that, you know, it's
not that I can't empathize. I could totally understand being a couple being like,
God, we've tried, we've tried for a year to find the right
situation, and yeah, we thought this was it and now we're just pointed.
But I do think you have to be really careful to enter at the
same way you would enter any date. It's not a going on a date
is not an agreement that it's going to end in any particular way. Mmm.
So how do you work through feeling left out at one point or another
during a threesome? And do you think that that is inevitable? I don't
think that it's inevitable. I mean it sounds like from your threesome experience that
it felt great all around. Definitely my first threesome, the one I was
just talking about with my with an X and my best friend, there was
like one point where like I think I was giving him head and then he
was giving her head and I just remember being like like looking upwards and just
being like, M Like I didn't feel left out because I was very much
more, but I was like, oh man, that was like also my
first experience, so that was my first experience with having sex with more than
one person. I didn't necessarily feel left out, though. I think I
was just like, Okay, this is touching something for me. And you
know, I think that that picture that you talked about, like as is
he going to like really enjoy her more than me and like to see like
and I think interestingly enough, like I think the morning after I was like
what the fuck? And then it quickly subsided. But I don't think it's
inevitable to feel left out. I would ask what actions or dynamics you think
would lead you to feel left out? And I think that this happens like
when it's like penetration right, like if that is on the table, and
then there's two people who are you know, for what like a threesome that
I've had where there was like penis and vagina intercourse happening that I was not
a part of, but I didn't feel left out because I was still like
involved in it. I was still like making out. I was still like
getting fingered or something like that. So I think that it's being curious about
like what would make you feel left out because I think during some times there's
going to be like a coupling maybe that happens, like maybe two members of
the threesome are really feeling each other and into each other, and it can
like Wax and Wayne, and so I think that it's a calling on what
would bring that up for you and how to sit with that and like bring
yourself in And there can be a competitive maybe nature to a threesome because it's
just like all right, well I'm going to be the best one here.
Um interestingly enough, for as competitive as I am, that you're so competitive
so deeply may be just the best, I think. So just like that
doesn't even cross my mind, So I don't feel like maybe I'm just my
overinflated self esteem is like I would never be left out, So I love
that about you. I mean, I think this is this is why talking
about hopes, fears, and expectations upfront with everybody involved, if you can,
if there's you know, if there's space for it, can be really
helpful because you can. I mean, my partner Mal and I, you
know, Mal recently talked about what it would be like to have a threesome.
I think, you know, I think we're virgining on maybe ready for
it in the near future, but it's really helpful to just say out loud,
like, these are things that could happen that would really bring something up
for me. And it's not that if they might happen. They might happen
and I can regulate around that, we can process it later, but if
we could just keep it in mind, that would be great. So I
think you're allowed to put your into like it's not just about what do I
want this to look like? It could also be about here are the things
that might be activating for me. I think, of course, being careful
again about couple's privilege. If all of your rules revolve around like you getting
to do everything and the third, Yeah, you know, getting to do
almost nothing, then that's something to pay attention to. I agree. I
think that that's really important to be cautious of. I like, if you
are a couple and you like bring it in somebody to really be conscious of
their humanity and their experience, and so I think that that's a great way
to do it. And there might be like this negotiation where like as the
couple, you just kind of know that a particular something would bring up something
for you and you just like have like a like sometimes like a glance and
like a nod in the moment and just be like okay, like I see
you, or just like a touch can be like acknowledging that this is happening
for you, Right, let's switch gears or let's keep going or because you
yeah, I don't know. I love that. I love that. A
little hand squeeze, a little eye contact, yeah, be fucking one person
making eye contact with another, all sorts of ways to yeah, stay connected.
I love that. I mean. And of course there will be threesomes
where the thing that somebody hopes for is to watch very true, very true,
no assumptions made, very very true. How to stop feeling like a
side piece during threesomes. This person says that they feel like they're just there
to make it quote unquote hot, Yeah. I think reading this, I
feel I feel bummed for this person, Like it's really sucks that people have
repeatedly made you feel that way. And I don't know, like if you
have a narrative for yourself around what it is about you that that is like
causing this to happen, But there's nothing about you that's causing this to happen.
It sounds like you're having some threesomes with people who either are engaging in
a lot of unaware couple's privilege, or or who are objectifying you, or
who aren't who aren't seeing your humanity, aren't doing any precre aftercare, I
would say, you know, if I'm you, it's not I would not
blame yourself. I would take a step back, though, and I would
wonder what if what if all these experiences had in common, because whatever that
is, it isn't working. This is this is not how you need to
feel or deserve to feel after threesomes. And so I don't think this is
an issue with you. I mean, that's my best guess, is I
don't think. I don't think it's anything you're doing. What could contribute to
you not feeling like a side piece is like having more care come from the
other two participants, because feeling like an object or feeling like something that is
just being used to as a means to an end, like and granted,
for some people that can be a turn on. It can be a turn
on to be like, yeah, like just I'm here to be used and
like that really turns me on, But it sounds like for you that's not
the case, Like it kind of just feels like you're being like a plaything.
And I think that that sounds really hurtful and painful, and that you
are not required to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. That doesn't mean
that you're not fun, that doesn't mean that you're not here for a good
time, but it just means that, like, you also deserve thoughtfulness,
consideration, and care around who you're having sex with. That goes for no
matter how many people are in the room. And I think this person also
has me reflecting like what I think what I think is now obvious, which
is threesomes aren't just about things being hot, right, this like isn't only
about sex for everybody. For a lot of people, group sex can be
a spiritual experience, can be an incredibly gender affirming experience. It could you
know, having sex with multiple people might make you feel like multiple sides or
parts of yourself are being tended to, can make you feel really whole.
So I love that this person is also pointing out like like maybe maybe some
people are cool with with being gore to be hot, yeah, and also
like I'm looking for more than that, and that makes sense, yeah,
And I think that that goes with like setting expectations of like, for example,
maybe you want this to be a recurring thing. Maybe you don't want
it to be like a one time thing. Maybe it's something that you point
anticipate in with this couple or these other two folks more regularly. And I
think that that is part of the conversation too, Like is this like we're
just going to have like a version of a one night stand and like we'd
never talk about it again and I don't hear from you or do we want
to have this as part of our shared dynamic with the three of us,
and how to bring that agreement in as well? How do you know,
if your relationship is ready for a threesome, you can talk it to death.
But is it that you just won't know until it happens. M Yeah,
Oh no, I think that that. Yes, I think that this
person has a good point of like talking versus like experience and being like I
think that you can do all that you can and try to frontload and have
negotiation and conversation. I don't think that there is like a point of readiness
or like a standard like once you achieve this, or you then you're ready
for like the final boss and like the video game or something like. I
don't think so. I would not reckn doing what I did with my first
threesome, which was just like being in a really bad place with my partner
and having a threesome as an attempt to save it. I think also,
you know, I think about the way that I was considering like my friend
at that time, like to bring her into something kind of to try and
save a relationship. Luckily, like to my knowledge, that's not how she
felt and we were able to talk about it. You know. I think
that it's important to just be acknowledging of like what you're hoping to get from
it. Yeah, so I think that, like, your relationship can be
solid as a rock, however you consider that and a threesome could shake things
up. You have no idea, but I think that the more that you
talk about it, the more that you're honest with yourself and with your partner,
and the more that you can have honesty and reflection afterward. I think
the better if you'll be But I don't think that there's like a standard that
you have to reach. If like, we haven't fought in three weeks,
so now we're ready four or threes, I'm like, I don't think that
it really works like that. I think is just like, what are we
hoping to get from this, and how can we look at the variables involved
to get that outcome. Yeah, I think if I were sitting with a
couple that's considering a threesome, I'd be really paying attention to their bodies during
the conversation. Obviously, talking about something is exposing ourselves to the idea,
which can bring about the same feeling and our bodies that doing it would.
So if there's a lot of disregulation and conflict brought about by just talking about
it, that's probably an indication that there'd be some conflict if it happens.
That doesn't mean don't do it, but it means, you know, just
be aware of it. I think too, you can visualize it and get
a sense of what comes up in your body, just to imagine it right,
and you can get a sense of if you're able to regulate through it,
what comes up for you. Again, like, you don't have to
be perfectly regulated to be ready for something. I don't think that's ever the
case, but it's good to know if you visualize it and you do get
disregulated, you have an opportunity there to practice what kind of aftercare helps you
in that situation, and then bring that kind of aftercare into the reality of
the situation. So good to talk about it. Practice aftercare in the conversation
so that you're ready for aftercare. All right. Our last question says,
can you give us some tips to manage STI anxieties for a couple considering going
into a play party. Yeah. I am hesitating because I obviously can't speak
to sex parties across the board. I know there are some sex parties where
they do a really great job facilitating these kinds of conversations and helping people find
formats and structures to check in with each other about that. That's amazing.
I think some parties absolutely are not going to do that great of a job.
So protection in any case is going to be your friend. Bring more
condoms than you think you're going to need, particularly if penises or toys are
involved. You want to be aware of where each toy, where each penis
has been, and just switch condoms in between. It doesn't mean that you
can't you can't use toys or you know, have penetrative sex with only one
person. It just means, you know, keep track and change condoms.
So that's one starting point. I think that that's great. You know,
I'm here for all like the different barrier methods, and I think like when
it comes to managing STI anxieties also acknowledging that it could happen, And maybe
that makes people scared and nervous, But I think that when it comes to
STIs, there's no such thing as just like perfectly like quote unquote safe sex.
It can happen. All STIs are manageable, they're curable. Looking at
your anxiety might involve looking at what sort of shame or stigma you hold around
STIs because you might be like, that would be the worst possible outcome,
right when worst things can happen, worst things can happen, Yeah, and
and managing it and you know this is not to diminish like the importance of
your health and like how you care for yourself and your but I think it's
also to imagine that, like in any group situation, anything could happen.
You could get a cold, you could get food poisoning, if you get
the flu, you can get an sci like COVID, you could get COVID.
Like, these things can happen. And so I think that, yeah,
if going into a play party looking at what their kind of stipulations are,
what they're testing processes are, Yeah, some are really rigorous, some
not so much. You get to decide ultimately, And if you're feeling anxious
in that moment of giving yourself permission to know that just because you've gone to
a sex party, entered a sex party, have started to play at a
sex party, doesn't mean that you have to be there for the rest of
the night. Doesn't mean that you have to keep engaging with a bunch of
different people. You get to determine your level of comfort and desire at any
point during the party. So I think that knowing that just because you're there
and you've agreed to be there does not mean that like it's a free for
all, you still get to have your boundaries, and I think you should,
right and if you if you have questions and you ask people when they
were last tested in the response that you get or the vibe of the party
is like we don't talk about that here, or you know, why are
you having to bring why you're bringing that into it? Like that's a big
red flag and just notice and yeah, walk away maybe in that situation.
This week's safe Word is Linguini from Devin Love Apasta Moment. Safe Word is
hosted by Casey Tanner and Kenny Lewis and is produced by coordinator Et Townsend.
Our theme song is written and performed by Emma Jane and Tory Rainey. To
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