Yeah, welcome to Quest for Competence. You're applaud Yeah, you damn dirty
warm. Before we get started, we're gonna let our players introduce themselves and
they're going to go out of order tonight, so we're gonna start at the
far end of the root of the table. I mean I'm usually first anyways,
So yeah, well, okay, carry on, okay. Hi,
I'm Judy Black. I play Gigi the Nikol Melzi and a fun little treat.
I actually wrote what the module is that we're gonna be playing tonight,
and if you want to see like a fuller version of it, I will
be running it tomorrow when I have my game at ten am. For anybody
who is not too hungover to exist at ten am, even when I don't
drink, I'm too hungover to exist at ten am. Hi, I'm Theresa
Glover and in the game, I play Trin Karen beIN Tangler. You've probably
seen me in the bookstore and I've probably taken money from you at some point
this weekend, so come back and do it again. I am also the
author of the Caitlyn Kelly Monster Hunter series with Falstaff Books and an editor at
Falstaff Books. So you can find out all about that gloriousness elsewhere on the
internet. All right, people, I am the one, the only,
the r car and I play the incredibly delicate, gentle vegan druid Hilda Swington's
who doesn't have a mean bone in her body because she's plant based. When
I'm not doing that, I write books with Rick Waltery, who just couldn't
show up tonight. And I well said, you've seen me probably in the
hall stalling a lot today, so I'm say that I'll And there was a
moment a little while ago when technical difficulties left us without a key component of
any Authors and Dragons Live podcast. We didn't have a bald guy, so
stepping in to play the role of Georgina the Dwarf, the dwarf and bailiff.
Hang on, get the care all right, give me, take your
hands off your tits and introduce yourself. But it feels good. Hey,
everybody, I am MK Gibson, author of books you probably haven't read.
I'm filling in for wick Waalterior today. I'm playing Georgiana the Bailiff. Let's
knock the ship out of the park. The best part about this whole thing
was the look on give me space when he said, oh, by the
way, you have to do it in a Scottish accent. All right,
let's do this ship. Let's not go shout apart. Right, it's right
up there with Bevan's British. So yeah. So I'm John Hartness. I'm
the founder and publisher of Falstaff Books and the author of Bubba the Monster Hunter,
The Black Night Chronicles, and Quincy Harker Demon Hunter, among other things.
And those other things are what I'll be reading from tomorrow morning at some
obscene fucking hour. And I sup this is all my fucking fault. It
usually is. Yeah, that is kind of my whole stick. So when
last we left our intrepid idiots, they had vanquished a troop of bandits on
the road and had taken a long rest. So did you awake feeling refreshed,
feeling like there's nothing in the world that you can't accomplish. God,
I love fantasy. But you notice that someone's missing your your rogue on where
Crow is nowhere to be seen. I didn't eat her him roll I can't
tell humans apart, and moog face Eater is also gone. They are probably
of getting laid together that's probably what it is. Yeah, do you think
we should? You know, if they if their star charts align properly and
they get their shockers in the right place, it could work. When if
face eto and they face CUTO love each other very much. Oh, just
suck on your medotato. That's what she was gonna do, but mood disappeared.
I'm not saying I have a problem. I'm just saying that he happens
to be an elf, acts like an ogre. What is a girl supposed
to do? Wait? Sorry, medotato, medotato, medotato? How did
you people not show up with a fucking potato? Seriously? Yeah? So
also from the kitchen, everybody roll me perception, No, do we have
to? That depends. Do you want to know where the fuck you are?
Yes? I'm not a five. It's not it's not gonna work.
Twin Karen has rolled a ten. It's fourteen. O God, I put
my glasses on, has rolled a twenty four. Yeah, despite thinking about
mooch, everyone who looking so did not. Everyone who rolled above a ten.
Everyone who rolled above a ten can notice that these are not the woods
you fell asleep in. Your campsite is gone. You are a top a
hill covered in heather. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping.
It's a lovely pastoral scene. No human contamination in sight. Well there,
tell me more about being on top of heather. I lot that we've astral
projected. I hate everything about this. No human contamination is right. It's
perfectly serene and full of nature and animals and no human contamination. Use the
scent of baked goods wafts across your nostrils. Those of you who beat a
fifteen No I did not, and same woods it's three not at this time?
Okay yet? And you hear music from the distance. So shit,
they're humans off to the east. What would you like to do? Moove?
Oh? Sorry sorry? On a scale of one to forest fire,
how flammable is this pastoral beauty? You are you really going to destroy nature?
Roll me a survival check. Maybe I raised the dead. Nature's got
nothing to do with it. Oh on nature? Is why am I good
at? Out of twenty two? Not at all? It apparently just rained
last night and everything is covered in dew. It glistens in the morning.
Lot, you ain't setting shit on fires? Gi, this is this guesting?
I love it? All of this la it's all green. Gesis breaking
out at hive. Hate is amazing. Why do humans have to ruin it?
I mean it could be other people ruining it, Like could we give
them if we go and destroy them, we can do whatever. I don't
know. I was looking at the trees, and I mean, the trees
are nice. We're not going to touch the trees. The trees are going
to have a perfectly good day, aren't they. I'm going to look for
shiny rocks while they argue, because surely there's something that has some kind of
something has happened. Oh my god, there's music. Let's just go find
it out and see what we have to destroy and or do and or find
mook and human that I didn't essential oil. It'll calm you down, yeah,
work, all right? Actually, okay, that's actually quite pleasant.
Is that's a clue. I'm not paying for it. I mean it comes
free in your starter kit. Now you guys understand why she's the bookstore bitch.
All right, let's go find the human contamination. Come on, yeah,
this is clearly a magical bullshit. We will go and kill a magical
and then we will go back to the normal shechity woods. Okay, that
sounds good. I like that. Yeah, as long as we're not cutting
down any trees. I don't even have my dead body is everyone roll me
a survival check please? No, I will die too. Yeah, you
have no fucking idea where that music is coming. He killed the rules at
nine. I am the worst druid ever. You know that there's music somewhere.
Trincaren rules in nineteen. I don't know whether we're at I don't know
what letter do it. I got a five on center Vival. Yeah,
this is the Trincaren has zeroed in on exactly where the music is. It
is coming. It has spiritual vibration, obviously, so the vibes are very
good. Yes, totally all right? Are we vibing? We're vibing.
Let's all right, I'm not I'm okay. So after about an hour of
walking, you crest a small hill and you see laid out behind before you
in a perfectly unmolested meadow where no trees have ever grown. Hilde is calm,
HEILDI is happy. You see what appears to be a traveling carnival.
They had to ruin it, so there are brightly colored tents there's music.
The smell of baked goods fills the air. You hear the sound of children
laughing, You hear the sound of people playing. This is hell. Potential
potential customers. You should say the pistole. I know, right, I
have to so many kids I could offer. It's such a great deals are
idiots. They would absolutely like to be like exce right, is there anyone
who abuse? I mean, ask what's going on? Not from the top
of the hill. You do have to go down the hill to the right.
There are no humans insight none insight. Insight can smell them roll perception
with that oil I ripped on you, not the way you've been rolling tonight.
Kilde rolls at twenty. No, you cannot smell any humans. You
smell dwarf, you smell halfling, you smell nome, you smell elf,
you smell minotaur. Oh yeah, you smelled elf. The day is getting
better. Yeah, you smell all kinds of species, but you don't smell
humans. Day's getting better. Let's go find a way to get the fuck
out of here. Okay, all right. As you proceed down the hill,
you walk into the fair grounds and there is a giant banner stretched across
two non perf obviously dead fall trees. You can, but that you can,
now that's real, kindly, Okay, it's getting better and hanging across
across this banner in massive letters, it says Phi Festival. I love it
their crust. You have literally no way of knowing that from the front door.
This think we have something to investigate. It's a pie festival. They
may have slaughtered animals to make their pastry. Oh, for the love of
God, okay, let's see if we can find some manager and get you
a tint set up because I want to watch this. Yes, yes,
let's do that. Yes, all right. As you proceed into the fair
looking for a manager. As you move forward, you see a fuck off,
I'm getting old reading glasses. Yeah, I know. It's more they're
progressives. It's more about, oh God, getting in the right line.
So as you walk in, the central feature of the fair seems to be
a massive tent that says Granny Smith's Pies. And busily working behind the long
counter is an elderly dragon born woman. She sees you coming. She looks
up and says, I'm back in an hour, dearie. We'll open up
soon. You'll know you'll smell it on the wind. You don't use lard
in your pies, do you, dragon? Kid? Not that came from
innocent animals. All animals are innocents and less they walk upon two legs and
destroy the lands. Like I said, I said what I said? Oh
is it that? I mean? Not that I would know anything. I
would let go. I have vegan pork pot pie. Later it was made
tree, it was made with real vegans. Maybe we are in heaven.
I mean I told you the vibe was right. I mean, this woman
looked like any second now I would have another zombie. So why don't you
go play some games? Some of the game stalls have coupons that if you
do well with their games, you can get a free pie. Okay,
I'll hold off. Could you do that? I want to hear that again,
please, A free What am I hearing is not what it was?
Mam? Could you do that again? Pie? Thirty years in theater.
Bitch, you think I can't? You think I can't hit my mark.
I'll try it again, but this time you were a surprised by someone jumped
down the content A free what a free? Go? Fuck yourself? You
got pretty girl. All right, all right, So as you turn from
Granny Smith's pie tent, the first thing you're the first thing you see is
a tent called duck duck? Gotcha? I see you this time? All
right? And torturing real life? Do I have to burn it to the
ground? You know, if you give me a minute to read what she
wrote, you'll probably figure this shit out. Send the fucking descriptions on the
module. So a duck shaped piece of wood hanks at you from the back
of the booth. You don't see a person, You just see a wooden
duck. This a little mouth. After a moment, a dwarf and man
laughs, pops up from behind the counter and says, you're not gonna let
that duck get away with calling your names? Are you come on and prove
you can take on are we duck? I'm sure of it. Two can
play at that game? Is it against my creed to? There's so much
horse are like? So what's the goal of this game? Just knocked down
the duck? Well it's not just one duck, lassie. How many ducks
are we talking? He reaches under the counter. You see him like he's
pulling a lever and suddenly there are the duck that was sitting still flies away,
as though by magic or by fishing line. Right, it is a
wooden duck. Those wings are less effective, I think that means. And
then bare seconds later another duck, and then two more ducks. Right,
it's like it's a fucking duck hunt up in here? What never mind?
Yes, there is a laughing dog nearby. Now all right, he so,
lassie, you look like you're the one who wants to Yeah. Yo,
So what's the goal of? Then we got the ducks? How many
ducks we do? I take down? Got hit? You've got five chances
to hit three ducks? All right, all right, let's do all right.
He hands you a set of five very poorly weighted throwing knives. All
you hold one up and it looks kind of like elbow macaroni. So we're
now at every county fair anyone's ever been to. Alright, alright, it's
okay. It happens to everybody at least once in a while. Biologically cut
to the side. I can't help it, alright, So I'll see the
ducks. I get five chances, all right, Oh that will be a
silver Do I have money? Yes? All right, give a silver alright,
alright, so Georgina the bailiff takes a step back, takes the holy
symbol praise. All right, you got this guidance, leans back, throws
the knife and cast thunder wave. The dog laughs. First level roll,
first roll, the dext check rode to that. Oh where's my text?
Thirty eighteen fucking help natural seventeen plus one. So yeah, and Gibbey managed
to surprise John Harden. Yeah, well, no point goingder this. I
say you can't use magic, so I better ask forget present permission. The
dwarf and man stands up from where he's dove under the counter. The goddamned
explosion just happened behind him, and he says, I like you, lassie.
I can make it clot when I need to. You like to bang,
don't you? The door laughs again? Call me on the walkie talkies,
the rocky talkie side. Yeah all right, he says, fuckduck.
So do I get pine? Now? You get a coupon for a pie
fantastic? So here he hands you a token with a duck on it.
Okay, and on the reverse it says good for one Granny Smith Pietist,
thank you very much. And now I'm afraid the rusty I kind of play
because it's gonna take me at least an hour to repair me fucking booth,
one fucking silver piece, one fucking filth. As you turn from the duck
duck goose booth that was thoroughly goose, you see a massive minotaur standing in
front of a booth. I am no longer a doll. There is a
painted chicken doll swaying above a large box as the minotaur stands there waving you
over, calm over, come on, can you make can you make Jack
come out? Can you trip the jack? And then he pushed steps on
a lever on the box, and the strange chicken retracts into the box,
which closes. Well, I mean if you tickle it in the right place.
No, that's not how it works. Well, how does it work?
You? Are you strong enough to break Jack out of his box?
I said box, Yes you did. No. I don't normally eat beef,
but I could be making an exception. Room. I've been through years
of therapy and I have guided celestial beatings along their journey. I can pull
him out of his bombs. Okay, said impress. I don't I don't
really know what you've said. But if you you pay us over, you
hit the box, you hit box five times, if jack come out,
you win, you win pot. I'm not really into all this violence thing.
I thought, like you meant, he was trapped with himself, and
I could guide him out of that by aligning his chakras. You stop talking
and you hit box, you pay money, hit box or go away.
I think you should set the box on fire. What you want to try
to hit the box? You could do. It's fun. It looks like
a god on all time. Sure, right, I think it's got this
bless Yeah, I don't. I don't know what myself. I just bust
you double. I've annointed myself. Okay, blessed. Yes. I hate
it when they get props. Hey, you know they're worse with props.
Girls got accessories. So when you say hit the box, how exactly do
we hit the box? I've got a cross bow, you know, hand
it's too it's probably bigger than I am. I'm a dwarf. So oh
yeah, then maybe I can handle it. Okay, yeah? Yeah?
Are you saying you could handle her hand? It does? It is going
to require a melee damage melee damage. Okay, yeah, because as soon
as you unlimber your crossbow, Minotaur says, no, hit box, not
shoot box, not shoot in box, not shoot on box. Yeah yeah
yeah, calm down, hit box. I am all about that. Mace,
hit it and quit it. I could cause a fourth our second level
spiritual weapon and mace the shit out of that box. Pound that box verily,
yes, all right, roll me in attack with your spiritual weapon.
All right. Uh and that's a twenty six. Well that's gonna hit.
Yeah, you pounded the box. That's so much damage you did. How
hard did you pound that box? Force? Critical damage of sixteen? S
you? You hammered that box like it's never been hammered before. It's right,
maybe because I know how to handle it, but it is still intact.
Well fuck, you have two tries left. You said I could hit
it five times, right, one, two, five? Yeah? That
that's not how numbers work it in my game. I say how numbers work
here? Uh huh, Well okay, so fucked up guys say how numbers
work his game. So spiritual weapon lasts for about a minute, So I'm
just gonna take another swing. Okay, you can use glowy mace thing,
and this one was a seventeen. Seventeen does still hit. Okay, the
damage on that one was twelve. That is a palpable hit. Fantastic.
It does not, however, crack the box and release the jack. All
right, you have one and try left. Well, I'm gonna do it
again. Then that what she said? Please tell me you can pound a
box harder. I can pound the box harder. I can pound it all
day long. No, you only get to pound it one more. Twenty
one will hit with an eighteen damage. The box explodes, see jack the
box baby. The chicken flies up into the air, smacks into the roof
of the tent and falls. Well, no, it's not a real chicken.
It's enchanted. Oh okay, I was not gonna have to heal a
chicken. I would have had to heal a chicken. Uh huh. And
now the minotaur reaches into his loincloth and hands you a token that on one
side has a picture of a chicken and on the other side has a picture
of a pie. I'm gonna take it like with the very tips of my
fingers on the very edges, because I don't want to touch anything that was
in his loin cloth. Oh no, he shows it right into your hand.
It's a swarm. I should have played that game. Clack a little
warm and moist. Does it happen first? Hank you Rachel, yep,
and you wrote the damn module. As you look around, you see people
beginning to trickle towards the central tent. But you can see that there are
no pies in evidence. Yet there are no pies. So something catches your
eye off to the left, and it's movement low to the ground, but
yet enthusiastic movement, loud, noisy movement that sounds like ned baity as it
squeals squeals, And a piglet is running in circles in a small pen of
mud. Someone's gonna squeal like a pig, aren't they. It's already squealing.
So as you walk towards the very excited, very fast, very muddy
piglet in a ring in a corral, unknown climbs up the rails of the
corral. When come ladies and jet What the fuck are you? I think
he's looking at Mademoiselle ROSSI what it what? He takes a moment to collect
himself. Yes, I know, my beauty is overwhelming. It's okay any
more, Tay, I'll even understand what she'd been saying, because if you
want to keep your eyes in your head, you may want to look away.
Yeah, welcome, ladies and gentlemen and crispy critters. Do you have
the dexterity, the speed, the skill, the cunning to catch bury the
pig? He is the fastest pig alive. Really, he's the fastest pig
in my corral. And there are no other live pigs in the fair,
So by all evidence that we have before us, he is indeed the fastest
pig alive. All Right, My logic is fucking irrefutable. My silver is
here. Sure it was. Now what you have to do to be the
victor, to be the champion's castle person on the pig, you can try,
and m speak, you can certainly try. Yeah, pig gets a
saving throw. The pig gets us, of course, the personal creature pig
a person who creatures of a whole creatures. Fine, by the way of
the pig made its saving thrown. Fine, I don't worry. Despite what
Mikey Mason says in his concerts, you can say versus stupid, you can
say versus what the fuck. Mikey Mason's new book, Confessions of a Geek
bart available now for Falstaff Books. But you gotta order it because we don't
know here. What most people choose to do, who who undertake this fantastic
challenge, is they take off their shoes, They jump the fence. They
try to rustle the pig. All right, I think this calls for a
bear. There are no hairy game in here that I know of. No,
I will turn into I think a bear versus pig. What do you
guys think your versus? Pick cocaine? Bear, Come, spider, spider,
pig, octopus? How how much? How much water is? Yeah,
octopig and crawl across the ground. That is true. A slightly bigger
pig. Slightly bigger pig, slightly bigger pig. Okay, you are now
a slightly bigger pig. Outside of the corral, I will ben pig.
I will then thank you. Pick up a pig. No, the no,
the dwarf cannot pick the pig up over the five foot high railing pig.
Pig to piss roll me a strange check, Oh my god, actually
roll me. Athletics. Athletics got it, because not only do you have
to lift the pig. You have to not drop the pig on your face.
Right, I only have an eleven strength, so this is gonna be
great. Too late to bless myself, So somebody gate tried to get one
embrace. My sodis bless your hearts. Bless That's all I got. Pig
guys, stop getting Oh no, you can't speak. You have a pig's
ass on your head. You are wearing that pigs buttocks like a hat.
You can't see right now. Wiggle, wiggle, this is the best day.
I'm gonna take my time, but I think pig too. Octopus over
the railing Okay, you can get tentacles to the face. And why should
I deny her that you now have an octopus on your face. That is
a you typically a creature that you know. I'm rolling constitution's actually been vomited.
I passed, all right? What you roll it? Con saved?
It is U seventeen. Yeah, fine, you don't puke up her butt
hole which is also my mouth right now, so that's very straight. Does
she ink in mine? And do it that cost extra? No? And
yes, so the roll me a constitution save? Oh, because you're now
fucking dying. You're an aquatic animal. I can last for several hours.
Don't ask the nerd over it. This one can't. Oh shit, mastra
on, I think I might ache on her. All of the tentacles on
your face go suddenly limp, and then with a glow and a maybe a
squeak, Tilda returns to her normal half orc form is still sitting on Georgina's
head. We will never speak of this, y'all. See this right now,
It's like the most actionable vault was like mother, and all we hear
is we're masha by for a while. Okay, fine, I will crawl
over the railing and will do this the obnoxious way. And well, at
this point, you gotta roll me a deck's check to bull that off jeck.
Yes, could I at least choose athletics. No, No, that
wouldn't either. That's no, because that's strength and decks check. Sure I
thought that was it? There? Oh? No, that does allow you
to climb over face him over a five foot split wrail fence. Yes,
apparently she was enjoying it. Yeah. Now now that I've been barry,
the pig has slowed somewhat because he's laughing until today. You did not know
that pigs could laugh enjoy technicals. The pigs sound strangely like your your uncle,
the one that stopped getting invited to holiday dinners. Yeah, oh yeah,
that's because he switched to a dwarf and diet and we were strictly on
human I mean, plant based diets. Plant based. So would you like
to attempt to catch a pig? Yes, I would like to attempt to
catch a pig. How would you like to do that? Well, we've
been We've been a slightly bigger pig. We've been a lofto puss. That's
all failed. I think I'm just kidding. Maybe try once as a human
I mean pig wrestling. It's a new experience, okay, Or I could
just use entangle to help, because that would have been way way easier to
start. So you want to cast entangle first? Yes, okay, nothing
happens, No shit? Oh did I forget to mention the anti magic field
up around my corral? Yes, yes you did, tough shit. You
shouldn't try to cheat pig, pig, octopus, lady octopig, octopig.
If I was a slightly bigger pig, at least I could have had a
proper pig rustle. I don't even want to think about that. But you
have five, but you have five more attempts of something. All right,
cloak off hands it to We don't speak of that. All right, Let's
try to rustle a pig. Didn't tell your children about that. That would
be just animal handling. You want to try an animal handling? Check?
Yeah, I would like to try an animal handling. Check wh the druid
wants to try an animal handling? This is like that day when Klaus actually
trying to detect traps with something other than his face. All righty, the
the pick seems friendlier, but it's still not. It's it's not coming up
to you. It's not gonna let you just pick up, reach down and
pick it up. But you now may roll with advantage than animal handling again,
or you've made it like you about as much as it's going to.
Okay, so yeah, you've handled as much animal, not as much as
Georgina later, all right, I guess that would be the pathletic now would
be the strength check? Oh for fuck? Say nope, nope, just
just just know that it was bad. Just use your imagination, can I
be be off the pig again Georgina's favor. Just now, do you would
you like to retire from the field of battle or pig will not defeat me?
You battle? Well, you have a three. I don't touch things.
No, I don't like to be taught, I don't like, don't
know Hildee rules A sixteen. All right, that is going to be an
opposed check. Oh wait, it's advantage, isn't it. Yes, i'd
back to sea hilde rules A sixteen. You have successfully grappled the pig.
The druid did roll an animal headily. Check. It took a little hintie
to get there, but we got there. Look, Georgina and I had
a moment that will never be spoken of again. But we had a moment
several of them. So you have vanquished a mighty, mighty foe, you
little pig. I meant your own stupidity. He takes a token from a
purse at his side, licks it and plants it right on the fence post,
spit side up, delicately. Pick it up. Were a bit on
Georgina's slipt Owe me that into my mouth. All right, Well, now
that you have your spoiled apologize I'm going to close down my game for a
little while because it is time for Granny Smith's pies real fast, just because
bailiff guard type thing. I'm just want to do a quick look around.
Are there any other patrons? Are they watching us? Or are they?
Okay, just make sure this isn't some eerievil car they're watching us? Okay,
okay. So as you return to Granny Smith's tent, the crowds begin
to gather around the main tent as Granny Smith announces it's almost time for pie.
Are ready? Yay? God, I have something very special for you
all today. I have a new recipe. We're gonna have to kill something,
aren't we. I hope not. But it isn't. Well let's just
see that means yes. She ducks back into the covered part of the booth.
You hear clanging, You hear banging, You hear pans and things slamming
together, and then you hear this tremulous voice of this ancient, withered,
broken down master chef dragon Born just screech out, mother fuck? What is
that? It wouldn't be heaven unless there was chaos and destruction. As Granny
Flies literally flies out of the back part of the booth over the counter,
and she's gone the snoise, I'm out of here, and in her wake
she leaves a flying plethora of hungry desserts. Everyone roll me initiative. Ah
yeah, Hilde rolls a sixteen? So did I same seas? Yes?
Eight five? What is the bailiff with the least? That's where? Do
you want the cleric to beat it with great healers? Or we can't keep
people alive? Spake for yourself. We're still standing ish Yes, feelers and
a neck romance. Yeah, but they keep bringing them back. That's like
the beginning of folk song. So before you there are two massive, towering
chocolate lava cakes with boiling chocolate spewing from their lids. You have three swarms
of chocolate chip cookies buzzing around like angry hornets. And there are two flying
ice cream Sundays with evil chill attacks. I don't know, I don't really
read what they did, all right, but they're gonna be chill attacks now,
So you're gonna make me nuck horns off. So, Hildy, yes,
what would you like to do? I think thunderwave is sounding really good,
right? What a doubt? Roll? It. No, no,
you you have to roll. No, no, I tell you to roll.
That's tell us, old Dan. I don't. I'm just gonna ask.
That's whoever wants. What is your spell saved DC? My spell saved
DC is fourteen? Alrighty? And what kind of save is this constitution?
Alrighty? Find out how sturdy these crusts are. Hopefully they're flaky. Why
does it not show me my damage? Well, I'm gonna roll there.
It's like a lead skexxy like I was, alright, golfree. The channeling
made my roommates watch that movie and they were like, God, that explains
so much about why you're so fucked up. Alrighty. So two of the
three Flying Cookies failed their saves, one of the Sundays failed this save,
and both of the Cakes made their saves, so they anyone who didn't make
it will take eleven points of thunder damage and be knocked back ten feet everyone.
Here's the boom, and on a successful day, they are not pushed
back, but will take half damage six rounds up fix points of damage.
I do not like being intimidated by baked goods. Alrighty, it's trin Karen.
What would you like to do well? I can see this is already
becoming a disaster, So before I do a thing, I'm going to pull
up the holy symbol in the magic stones and play a beacon of hope.
I believe in us all, I believe in us, and there will be
no death by chocolate today. And this spelled bestows hope and vitality for all
of us for the duration. Each target has advantage on wisdom saving throws and
death saving throws, and regains maximum hit points from any healing step. Alright,
no, we're not advantage on death saving thrones. Sorry. No,
oh yeah, I'm gonna bring back a pie zombiepie zompie. Yeah, alright,
so everybody's buffed basically, Yes, that is correct. Alrighty, would
you like to move or anything else? I'm going to step back out of
splash range. Seems good? All right? Then yeah, I'm going to
move back feet because that's as fall as I can move without after youth action.
And it's in fireble, and you will do what fireball fireball ball ball
like the ball putting these pastries back in the All right, what is your
spell saved DCI. That's a fail, that's a success. Well, fuck
them. Do that's a success. That's a success. Fuck them, that's
a fail. I mean they do come from fire. That's a success,
so do I. That's a success. So one cookie and one Sunday.
Oh wait, the ice cream Sundays do have disadvantage. And even if even
if they say they take up images, suck them. So these set the
Sunday. Both Sundays fail their saves because they are at disadvantage because well they're
fucking ice cream. Okay, Sunday blood that twenty four fire damage, that's
full damage or that's that's the full damage. Okay, I mean i's fire
bolt this. Yeah, she's not wrong. Boom boom leo boom boom,
big time. You know you're starting to grow on me, frenchie. Please
don't that see you grow on people. And I do not want. For
the record, I do not consent. I am a maleiad woman. I
do not want. You're not that bad. Don't worry. Well something with
hr like you. I didn't consider. I just got it is now your
turn. After seeing the fire, the cookies looks very crispy, fantastic,
I am. After seeing the thunder and then the fire, I've got you
know, let's just bring it all the way around circ so call lightning in
a cylinder like inside the room lightning, so anything within like pick the whoever
the most concentrated amount of pastries are, call lightning right there. So I
tried to hit them all as many as I can. You can hit the
things that were not knocked backward. Fantastic, all right, call lightning through
level of fourteen DC save and I believe it's decks yep, all right.
Well, strangely enough, the flying pastries have decent tacks. I rolled for
ship, so it doesn't matter. That's a success. Two falls, that's
that's good. That's good. That one's good. All right, So two
failed saves, two of the cookies failed. There's twelve lightning damage total.
Okay, so they failed it, you know, twelve, if not six
man with all annoys we make, our group should started. We should start
a dandie band with all the loud spells we have. I ran a one
shot at a con one time where everybody was a bard. They used their
special combat abilities at the same time. They all got bonuses, but I
didn't. But now the desserts get a shot. At least there's no donuts.
I believe these calories count. The first two cookies are going to be
flying towards you, Georgina, all right, does Jesus fuck? Yes,
Jesus fuck? Does hit me? I have played this game before, and
trust me the time. Does a twelve hit you? Fuck that? No?
Yeah, that's the other side. No, that's but the not twenty
probably does? Is there we gonna reaction? Yeah, it does. I
don't have a reaction. All right, you got a fighter, You're my
reaction for me. I'll remember that, alright. Alrighty, so that's eight
damage, all right, the contract I maintain concentration on the spell Okyoki.
The next cookie is going for the largest target. It confined, the octopeg.
Octopeg does twelve hit you? We don't want to. We don't want
to. I am an armor cross twelve, so yes, yes, alrighty,
So that's gonna be worth seven damage, Roger, Roger. And then
you'll also have a Sunday flying at your face. It's a good day and
missing dramatically, Tren Karen. There's a Sunday coming your way. Okay,
I have a crossboat and I'm going to attempt to shoot it. Well,
first, it gets to attack you crap, which is what it's gonna do.
Crap. But I'm guessing at ten probably doesn't hit you. It does
not know alrighty, I'm good, Well, Gigi. The cakes are smart
enough to identify a threat, and you are the one that threw the fireball.
And while most of these attacks will miss, the NAT twenty is pretty
much always gonna get you there. The second attack will, however, miss,
So that's all. That's sixteen damage for reaction. I will hellish.
Will you get and say your mother was made with space milk spoiled? You
are disgusting, so it needs to make a dextery. The cake fails.
Its safe. Never insult. That is sixteen. It's a tender paste.
You did as much damage to it with your words as it did by hitting
you. Good job, Jesus, healthy God. I'm so I'm not being
lfli. It's okay. You know, a nice big pool of electrically conducting
water will be left on the ground. How high does tidal wave go tidle
wave, I believe it's ten feet. It is up to ten feet tall,
thirty feet long. Yeah, it was really most more concerned about the
ten feet with the flying desserts. Yes, yeah, it is all right?
So what do they need? Is this a roll saved? All right?
Well, if you make you not, you are not throwne and take
four D eight alright? Is sa? Al right? The cookies fail and
the second cookie win makes it, the third cookie fails, the first Sunday
makes there, both Sundays make theirs, and one cake makes their safe.
So how much damage is that? Thirteen? For fuck sake? Can you
roll better tonight? Hilda? No? He have you seen Hilda tonight?
Yeah? I'm yeah, I'm still traumatized by them. You ever had a
dwarf? Up there? There's a beard? No? I mean I was
doing commas. I don't have any idea what the hell just happened? You
don't want to know. We do not speak. But one of the cookies
is now is now crumbed. And some pastries. You have some soggy pastries.
You have an ice cream Sunday lying in a mud puddle. You have
a cake that has been knocked into the mud. And another one of the
one of the swarms of cookies is slowly wriggling itself free from the muck.
Trin Karen, I'm just saying I left you, and so we're just gonna
burn it. I I'm gonna load up the crossbow. I'm going to reach
over and touch Gigi and cast cure wounds. I know, I am.
And it gives max healing because of the blessing. And that was uh three
d yeah, three D eight plus plus eight. That's more than my total
hit point. Oh god, Oh my god. And then after having laid
hands on her and said, bless your heart, honey, you be all
right, I'm gonna go ahead and fire back. Yet, No, you
can cast casting cure whole action. I try. You have to. It
takes a lot of blessing hearts. It does, especially when the heart is
that fucking crisp and crisp and blackened. Yeah, that's true. You are
welcome well, Cras, Yes, it is your chair. We've electricated them,
we've burned them, and now they're soggy. What else can we do
to pastry? I mean, I am like a two twig pony. We're
not talking about the backside anymore. If you can eat the cake, okay,
okay, So I am Mademoiselle Conci and Gilly and unnamed zombie numbers week,
and it was going to be George, but now I have a Georgina
and it gets confusing for my part to platy members. They don't have the
playing to process too. Why don't you name it Ricky? No? Yeah,
cook, Masile is tempting anyways, un named Zominomus and the other No,
because they need to protect me. I'm made of paper, so I'm
going to put him in a trying of formation around me since that I am
protected. Okay, because that was that was like so many so you just
pulled up zombies or something. Oh I know she has three pet zombies?
Has it been there the whole time? Yeah? Or not? New?
Okay, I'm like, okay, turn on that that. No, no,
no, no, this is just a normal two got it? Okay,
okay, next Tuesday. You know, GiB It keeps playing this,
well, I'm going to pay employ Georgie in that. I'm that shit out
of here. Yeah I am. I'm going to fire ball ball again.
I just want you to say that again because I thought it was alrighty,
so that's gonna be a whole bunch of deck saves, right, Yes,
why don't you go ahead and roll damage. I'm going to push the button
because I did not pull out that many detectives because I'm playing a role,
so I didn't think about it. But I was thirty one thirty one total.
Okay, then I don't give a shit about anything but the kicks.
That one's fucked all right. After this this fireball he ERPs sending crumbsverywhere.
Burked chunks of chocolate fly through the air like bullets. Everything that was flying
crashes to the ground like well, like a bunch of dead desserts, except
for one cake, one cake that is justly levitating. You weren't even made
with infintal techniques. You are in failure, Georgina. I still have the
lightning spilled. I think active lightning. It's already there, so and bring
the lightning and for the fuck that, I'll channel Daviny to do max damage
to thirty. Oh, the lightning was plenty, it had two hit points.
I just want to I really just wanted after that Bart. Yeah,
everyone rolled me a dexterity save. Can I get advantage because I have bullet
shields? Yes? Fifteen fifteen literal meat. Oh for fuck, it's so
funny because when you roll it pops up in the corner. Does that include
myself because it is my spell. Oh yeah, no, it's all y'all.
Okay, everything's wet. Yeah five, okay, take the hit for
me. Gigi and Trin Karen managed to duck behind something, probably something crunchy.
It's too late to turn back into the octopus, and Georgina and Cold
are pelted toe to tip of your little bitty noses covered in burnt chocolate.
It we're not speaking of this. At least he gets a taste out of
their mouths burnt chocolate. I don't know which is worse. It was like,
yeah, I have opinion. Does this chocolate have dairy in it?
Have I been contaminated by some non plant based product? Oh? Hell y,
yes chocolate. Granny Smith runs out from under the counter where she had
been hiding. Oh, thank you, thank you? Is this plant based?
What the fuck? She bestows upon you a bag of holding nice six
hundred gold pieces? Do you have any what? Whoops? Granny Smith looks
at you, snaps her fingers and cast press the agitation. You're clean,
Take mine off my face and just start back. If not the cooking,
I deserve that this wasn't your recipe, But to show my appreciation, I
would like to bestow also upon you this cupon book for free desserts. I
present upon her my token for a pie. I can't for a pie,
and I'm not leave until I get alario pie. Well, sweetie, you're
the jackass that's called lightning down on my tent. All the pies are now
in the mud. I have time, and that is when you wake up.
Oh this have it? I found it all right. You find yourself
on the road, feeling fully refreshed, completely healed, and with all of
your spell slots restored. And is the author? And when you turn you
see Bobby Ewing in the shower. Wait, anyway, who doesn't get that
reference? Raise your head? Look it up. We're old. There's a
show called Dallas and Mom's mass. Thank you all. That is the end
of this adventure for the quest for competence. But it is not the end
of our evening. Rachel or their note cards in your pocket. There are
note cards in my accessories. So we absolutely did have folks writing down questions
because we always do a Q and A. And rather than going to the
discord for our Patreon patrons, which you can join an author at patreon dot
com. Slash Authors and Dragons. We decided to take questions from our live
audience here. So one of what I thought was the best questions we received
was from our friends Sarah, who said, where the fuck do I start
listening? Which is valid. So as many of you know, but some
of you were virgins, well you are, but you just got at least
it wasn't a pig. There are multiple campaigns and multiple shows on the Authors
of Dragons platform, so you may you can start art with episode one of
any of them, so go through the archives. You can start with episode
one of Chronicles of Calamity. Do you remember that that is actually episode one
hundred because we started it on April fools and sorry. Yes, you can
start with episode one hundred of the Calamity Jains. You can start with episode
one of Salty Bastards, or you can start with episode zero Episode zero of
Salty Bastards. We can I don't edit this ship or episode one of Quest
for Competence, so you can start at the beginning of any of the campaigns,
or you can just start an episode one and learn how far we've come
in our technical ineptitude in eight years. Our friend Zach of All Trades asked,
God, this one's actually pretty calm the next one from him. Do
any of you have backup characters? Gibbey's answers, No, I am the
backup character, so yeah, I do have a certain halfling barbarian always waiting,
and she will when required. She's been looking for an excuse to do
that all weekend. Yes, yes, I have so, Gibbey, if
you were originally playing Georgina, what would you want to have as a backup
character? I have. I've played in this one campaign. I love this.
It was very short lived, but I love this character so much.
Her name is Plucky McGirk and she is a cleric of death and it is
just a darable y'all when things die. And I heard that and I want
to do something like that, but god damn, I can't play it in
this campaign. But yeah, Plucky McGirk Cleric of Death could have been bestie.
Yes, Oh my god, I'm looking through the cemetery, so you
know, I think I kind of peaked with my MLM wine aunty. But
I'm sure I could promote somebody from her down line. There's gotta be somebody
ready to take her place. That would be just as awful, Karen Tray
exactly, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have Grandma Whisk
who is an air Ganassi former barbarian who's now a wizard because her arthritis started
acting up. Yeah nice, Yeah like that. I don't have a backup
character. They can't kill me. We did tried kill your sanity. Yeah,
so Vinnie, our friend Vinnie asks, can I please get a giant
fuck you cancer? Please? It took my wife from me. Life is
getting better, especially with this amazing community and authors. Yeah we can one,
two, three, fuck you can't. And now this last one I
can wreck. I can read the name, but the handwriting is so fucked
trauma, What the hell question did you want to ask? Well? That
expecting and thanks for deciding to come to work at the con. Yeah,
well so trauma, what the hell does this say? You know how?
I can't remember, but I didn't have a bigorite question. I just talk
with my mind. Will you Mary? For those of you listening at home,
she did say, yes, we are not going to top that.
So thank you all and congratulations. Also, some dragons brought to under Creative
Commons license, meaning you were free to share this material so long as credit
is given to those who created, which is us people you just heard to
play the game, opening and closing themes performed by the Gore core form.
It is a dry