Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, thank you, Chavales, thank you,
uh, uh, I' m very happy to be here. Jo,
I' m so happy. Years ago in a confused little guy in Oviedo
who had comedians on TV I' m already recording it for Comedy Central and
thank you for being here. We' re gonna get on very well.
I also tell you I work a covering up all that it takes to get
out of there makes me happy all that it takes and that it' s
not dani mateo nearby. It' s amazing. I' m gone scared
Havido. Twelve years they put a very large Spanish flag in the center of
the city. I don' t understand the fashion of putting flags from Spain.
All the time it' s in case you get lost, you know,
if you get nervous you don' t know what country you' re
in and suddenly you look and say uh, suddenly you see a nigger in
the distance you get scared, but the flag is there. You' re
saying it' s a bad thing. I thought I was in Portugal again.
Local politics is fascinating because in order to put that flag of Spain they
removed some banks that had previously painted with the flag of gay pride. For
some reason, the two things couldn' t be at once, you know,
Spain is like the son of divorced parents who are both addicted to bricomania.
Hey, Tim, why does it happen, why do you cry,
how Mom forced you to burn the statue of Christopher Columbus that we did last
week and put in place a monument Emilia Pardo Bazán. Don' t worry,
Temmy. This week it' s your turn with Dad and if you
behave yourself, we dedicate a street to Milana is and if you behave yourself
very well. We make it a frank position and or, and I think
the secret to making local politics work is mixing. You want to dedicate a
street to Rivera' s cousin without a problem in Chueca. You want to
put up a flag with the cool eagle, but have them held by a
parrot statue. You want to dedicate a great frank statue to him, Franco
' s head and Cherique' s body. Oh living in Asturias, you
' ll live you' re Wild, you' re studying in Wild.
I dated a girl, she was a vegetarian and a Nazi. It was
harder for my family to understand it as a vegetarian. You know, I
took it with me, introduced it to my parents. We went to eat
at a restaurant. She ordered a plate of baked vegetables because they had the
two things she liked the most. Or is this it? He liked all
vegetables, except beans. Is that it? Yeah? Is he? Yeah?
Is he? Yeah? Is he? Yeah? Is he? Yeah?
Is he? Yeah? Is this it? The vegans are very concentration
camp, is that it? Total good. He ordered a plate of baked
vegetables in Oviedo, Asturias, the capital of the Cachopo, the meat and
my mother told him, before ordering the dish of baked vegetables, ask if
it carries meat. I told Mom, it' s called baked vegetables,
how I' m going to bring meat. Well, we asked the waiter
and he told us, man, a little bacon. Yes, he'
s wearing ja Asturias. I cut you Asturias. He' s violent.
I have friends, my friends, they' re crazy, my friends because
they' re from there. The other day I was with my colleague Sergio
in a discotheque and suddenly we started talking to a girl and we asked her
what you do and she tells us I am manager at Luis Viton and my
colleague Sergio excited, excited, tell me more. And I' ve been
freaking out since when he gives a shit. Sergio the bags and I left
him there and after a while I see him alone and I ask him,
man, what happened and he says shut up he thought he said Buittony.
The guy asked her how she lived at the Terradillas house. From now on,
I have another colleague named the batter. The batter. The bat was
a summer. He took care of dogs. It' s okay for people
to go on vacation and then I needed someone to take care of the dogs.
He had a very large garden where he left all the dogs there to
see. Every time I see a sign looking for it, I know where
that dog is buried in that garden. Anyway, for some reason, people
trusted the dogs, my colleague, the bat, and one day we were
on the beach with him and they call him on the phone and he takes
him very angry, very angry and says yes, yes, yes, fuck,
yes, yes, yes. I told you I was good again,
it was this morning, but every flight this afternoon comes bye and I ask
Batera, what' s up. Says nothing, man, a guy I
have to give him back the dog, but that' s it. I
' ll give it back to you this afternoon, that' s all.
It was a dog. Guide somewhere, somewhere there was a blind man who
couldn' t leave home because my colleague wanted to take a mojito nothing.
I have a slightly longer history with this with my colleagues. Once in Paris.
I did the month in Paris and came to visit my colleague Rodrigo Vale,
and Paris is too expensive to go out at night. Then we found
a bar walking around that would put drinks at fifteen bucks. Imagine yourself as
expensive Paris, which we said we' re going to come in here and
take the last paste we have the last money. We went into that bar.
And that bar at the beginning was weird, because a security came in
and separated us. Okay. He put me on a couch and my colleague
Rodri was taken by another room that I already noticed something weird. But when
you travel it' s like you don' t know if you offend by
asking about customs. That' s where you know how you see someone who
' s killing him on the street and you say I can take pictures.
Then I did not ask anything and suddenly a girl approaches me, which in
my experience does not happen. And the girl tells me you want a dance
which my experience doesn' t happen and I tell her how she does want
a bar that if I want to dance with you and she says no no
if you want me to dance to you and I' m in a whorehouse.
I said they treated me like a king in merit. Totally good and
I say no. No, no, no, no, no. No.
I' m cool, I' m cool. Thank you very much.
No. No. I don' t want any dancing and I don
' t. No. No. Thank you. And your colleague Rodrigo tells
me, he' s in a room upstairs with a friend of mine and
she' s dancing with him. I said I' m sorry I doubted
that Rodric, who took out a ten last year in religion, was a
colleague of mine. I' m doing what you say, but still I
' m really cool. I don' t want anything and she insisted and
I didn' t and she says well, because buy me a drink and
I' ll buy you a drink maybe two, because I' m a
little to blame Judeo Cristiana and after half an hour the security comes and brings
us the bill and I owe four hundred euros and I tell you, gentleman,
I don' t know how things are going in France. I imagine
you' re going up here differently, because you' re doing better.
But fifteen plus fifteen plus fifteen plus fifteen until you' re fifteen plus fifteen,
they don' t give four hundred and the guy points the letter to
me and it turns out that the cup I' m inviting the girl to
was worth one hundred and fifty bucks. One thing like that, and who
was going to tell you that in a whorehouse I thought you already, already,
now, now, no, now, that didn' t come out
any total meli. I' m telling you, I don' t take
money. I tell you the gentleman this won' t be possible. I
don' t have any money. He tells me no problem. Number two
' s bigger than number one' s safe. He grabs me by the
neck and gets me a cashier in front of the whorehouse and I' ll
be crazy there like you' re your Spanish fool. Ah I don'
t know what I' m making us know without a smoothie any longer to
Napoleon che gan uncle and I' m still trying to use the subway card
to get money out. Well, when I get the guy that I'
m stupid, then I get back into the whorehouse. In the meantime,
they' re taking my colleague Rodri out because they' re doing the same
thing to him, and we say hello there as we are fools. Yeah,
and I walk into the whorehouse, and then the thing' s really
tense. There' s number one security. He' s holding me by
the neck. He takes off the sticker tie, which I think is an
incredible detail for the movie we were shooting at the time. He takes off
the sticker tie. Raise your fist and just before I broke my face,
you hear a voice in the background and someone says eh pay. Me about
that. You guys know who Melendi was. They didn' t hit us,
obviously, no, but I just wanted to see your faces for a
second thinking Melendia is a whore. They hit him from here started Melendi and
I how he knows. I' m glad. I' m glad to
have friends who are better than friends of celebrities. You know evil. They
have real friends with whom I spend these bullshit anecdotes, because famous friends are
fake friends, they' re friends with whom you presume to be fake friends.
I can' t brag about my drug colleague. You know the drug
is the one that takes you on a Tuesday all of a sudden to see
if you can come to sleep at your house one night and continue Sunday with
you smoking joints and eating pizza. You know it' s like a Napoleon.
It' s like Napoleon in like. You open the door and you
say drugs and that suitcase and it says what suitcase not suitcase, hops,
what the fuck not. These aren' t coassans. I' m going
to run for compact. Aylas nothing to invade your house. Nothing. I
know what you' re thinking if you' re under the age of twenty,
Napoleon is a trapper and if you' re over twenty, Napoleon,
he doesn' t speak like Santi when he speaks French, Henry. Right.
I' m very grateful to have the friends I have. I'
m freaked out by the friends I have, because people are horrible and I
' d be horrified to have to meet new people. People are so boring.
People don' t make sense. People have stopped making sense of how
high leisure is. What' s the point of finding Peña, what'
s the point of finding people when you can be in your house watching TV
What' s the point of people making sense before in the Middle Ages,
when they played or shit like chess or mancala. You know what mancala is?
Don' t you think you don' t know what mancala is?
I' ll explain. The mancala is a game in which you move seeds
around a board, eh, and win the one that has the most seeds
in the end. That shit was the funniest thing five hundred years ago.
Now, for twenty- four bucks you buy a thing that dirtys your clitoris
and also tempted on the Internet and you see asses of celebrities whatever you want,
that there are also museums and exhibitions and concerts and whatever you want,
but we all know that amazing two thousand twenty- two that you have the
ass of whoever you want on the Internet. People are so bored in the
Middle Ages. When you saw someone new, you freaked out because you lived
in a house in the middle of nowhere with your wife and your kids you
wanted to kill, you know planting tomatoes, and then one day there was
a traveler in front of your house, a person you' d never seen
before and it was a holiday. It was a day like or a new
gentleman. Please tell me where you are from Murcia. You' ve never
heard of that magical place of yours. Call Murcia. Please, come inside
my house and eat my food. Sleep in my bed. Foyese to my
children, but tell me about murciaaaaaaaa j Now people don' t make sense.
Everybody' s the same. You' re meeting a girl. The
conversation is you have anxiety. I' ve got considerate, too. Everyone
has anxiety. We' re just imagining cutting someone off is a lot harder.
Now, man, cut someone off, you tempt, cut up with
a girl. Now you can' t La? Do you have all the
time in instagram? You' ve got it all the time on your cell
phone. You' ve got to fuck it. You have to fuck her
parents. You have to make a doggy fuck that you didn' t ironically
create the two of you together. You know before in the middle. It
was so easy. It was so easy. You convinced the whole town that,
since Bride was a witch and you saw as ordeal, the loaf was
those bitches. We took you home, you fucked yourself to make cousin,
and that' s it. Okay, I' m gonna finish up with
a joke. It' s a popular joke. This is a guy who
loses his keys at night and starts looking for them under a lamppost. He
approaches a policeman and calls him a gentleman, I can help him and yes.
I lost my car keys and it says where you lost them and it
says down there and why it' s looking under the lamppost, because there
' s light here. Don' t look just where they tell you to
buy a flashlight. I' m Sanchez, Perus. Thank you very much.
Thank you You' ll see.