WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.160 --> 00:00:16.559 Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, thank you, Chavales, thank you, 2 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:19.600 uh, uh, I' m very happy to be here. Jo, 3 00:00:19.960 --> 00:00:23.239 I' m so happy. Years ago in a confused little guy in Oviedo 4 00:00:23.239 --> 00:00:26.839 who had comedians on TV I' m already recording it for Comedy Central and 5 00:00:26.879 --> 00:00:32.520 thank you for being here. We' re gonna get on very well. 6 00:00:36.520 --> 00:00:41.600 I also tell you I work a covering up all that it takes to get 7 00:00:41.640 --> 00:00:45.479 out of there makes me happy all that it takes and that it' s 8 00:00:45.479 --> 00:00:49.960 not dani mateo nearby. It' s amazing. I' m gone scared 9 00:00:49.960 --> 00:00:53.280 Havido. Twelve years they put a very large Spanish flag in the center of 10 00:00:53.280 --> 00:00:56.320 the city. I don' t understand the fashion of putting flags from Spain. 11 00:00:56.439 --> 00:01:00.119 All the time it' s in case you get lost, you know, 12 00:01:00.439 --> 00:01:03.799 if you get nervous you don' t know what country you' re 13 00:01:03.799 --> 00:01:07.840 in and suddenly you look and say uh, suddenly you see a nigger in 14 00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:11.040 the distance you get scared, but the flag is there. You' re 15 00:01:11.040 --> 00:01:12.959 saying it' s a bad thing. I thought I was in Portugal again. 16 00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:19.120 Local politics is fascinating because in order to put that flag of Spain they 17 00:01:19.239 --> 00:01:23.879 removed some banks that had previously painted with the flag of gay pride. For 18 00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:26.640 some reason, the two things couldn' t be at once, you know, 19 00:01:26.760 --> 00:01:30.920 Spain is like the son of divorced parents who are both addicted to bricomania. 20 00:01:34.280 --> 00:01:37.400 Hey, Tim, why does it happen, why do you cry, 21 00:01:37.920 --> 00:01:42.280 how Mom forced you to burn the statue of Christopher Columbus that we did last 22 00:01:42.359 --> 00:01:49.480 week and put in place a monument Emilia Pardo Bazán. Don' t worry, 23 00:01:49.840 --> 00:01:52.519 Temmy. This week it' s your turn with Dad and if you 24 00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:57.120 behave yourself, we dedicate a street to Milana is and if you behave yourself 25 00:01:57.120 --> 00:02:00.359 very well. We make it a frank position and or, and I think 26 00:02:00.439 --> 00:02:05.519 the secret to making local politics work is mixing. You want to dedicate a 27 00:02:05.519 --> 00:02:09.039 street to Rivera' s cousin without a problem in Chueca. You want to 28 00:02:09.159 --> 00:02:13.360 put up a flag with the cool eagle, but have them held by a 29 00:02:13.360 --> 00:02:16.599 parrot statue. You want to dedicate a great frank statue to him, Franco 30 00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:30.280 ' s head and Cherique' s body. Oh living in Asturias, you 31 00:02:30.319 --> 00:02:32.120 ' ll live you' re Wild, you' re studying in Wild. 32 00:02:32.199 --> 00:02:38.919 I dated a girl, she was a vegetarian and a Nazi. It was 33 00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:44.000 harder for my family to understand it as a vegetarian. You know, I 34 00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:45.759 took it with me, introduced it to my parents. We went to eat 35 00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:49.759 at a restaurant. She ordered a plate of baked vegetables because they had the 36 00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:54.879 two things she liked the most. Or is this it? He liked all 37 00:02:54.879 --> 00:02:59.759 vegetables, except beans. Is that it? Yeah? Is he? Yeah? 38 00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:00.840 Is he? Yeah? Is he? Yeah? Is he? Yeah? 39 00:03:00.840 --> 00:03:02.599 Is he? Yeah? Is this it? The vegans are very concentration 40 00:03:02.639 --> 00:03:09.520 camp, is that it? Total good. He ordered a plate of baked 41 00:03:09.520 --> 00:03:14.400 vegetables in Oviedo, Asturias, the capital of the Cachopo, the meat and 42 00:03:15.000 --> 00:03:17.039 my mother told him, before ordering the dish of baked vegetables, ask if 43 00:03:17.039 --> 00:03:21.599 it carries meat. I told Mom, it' s called baked vegetables, 44 00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:23.080 how I' m going to bring meat. Well, we asked the waiter 45 00:03:23.080 --> 00:03:25.879 and he told us, man, a little bacon. Yes, he' 46 00:03:27.439 --> 00:03:30.879 s wearing ja Asturias. I cut you Asturias. He' s violent. 47 00:03:31.039 --> 00:03:35.159 I have friends, my friends, they' re crazy, my friends because 48 00:03:35.159 --> 00:03:37.439 they' re from there. The other day I was with my colleague Sergio 49 00:03:37.479 --> 00:03:40.120 in a discotheque and suddenly we started talking to a girl and we asked her 50 00:03:40.199 --> 00:03:45.159 what you do and she tells us I am manager at Luis Viton and my 51 00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:49.840 colleague Sergio excited, excited, tell me more. And I' ve been 52 00:03:49.919 --> 00:03:53.560 freaking out since when he gives a shit. Sergio the bags and I left 53 00:03:53.639 --> 00:03:55.719 him there and after a while I see him alone and I ask him, 54 00:03:57.000 --> 00:03:59.879 man, what happened and he says shut up he thought he said Buittony. 55 00:04:02.520 --> 00:04:08.960 The guy asked her how she lived at the Terradillas house. From now on, 56 00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:12.520 I have another colleague named the batter. The batter. The bat was 57 00:04:12.520 --> 00:04:15.759 a summer. He took care of dogs. It' s okay for people 58 00:04:15.800 --> 00:04:17.680 to go on vacation and then I needed someone to take care of the dogs. 59 00:04:17.759 --> 00:04:20.800 He had a very large garden where he left all the dogs there to 60 00:04:20.800 --> 00:04:26.560 see. Every time I see a sign looking for it, I know where 61 00:04:26.600 --> 00:04:30.920 that dog is buried in that garden. Anyway, for some reason, people 62 00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:33.079 trusted the dogs, my colleague, the bat, and one day we were 63 00:04:33.120 --> 00:04:36.000 on the beach with him and they call him on the phone and he takes 64 00:04:36.040 --> 00:04:40.959 him very angry, very angry and says yes, yes, yes, fuck, 65 00:04:41.000 --> 00:04:43.120 yes, yes, yes. I told you I was good again, 66 00:04:43.199 --> 00:04:46.199 it was this morning, but every flight this afternoon comes bye and I ask 67 00:04:46.199 --> 00:04:48.639 Batera, what' s up. Says nothing, man, a guy I 68 00:04:48.680 --> 00:04:50.800 have to give him back the dog, but that' s it. I 69 00:04:50.879 --> 00:04:53.040 ' ll give it back to you this afternoon, that' s all. 70 00:04:54.079 --> 00:05:06.560 It was a dog. Guide somewhere, somewhere there was a blind man who 71 00:05:06.680 --> 00:05:11.279 couldn' t leave home because my colleague wanted to take a mojito nothing. 72 00:05:13.560 --> 00:05:16.639 I have a slightly longer history with this with my colleagues. Once in Paris. 73 00:05:16.920 --> 00:05:20.040 I did the month in Paris and came to visit my colleague Rodrigo Vale, 74 00:05:20.319 --> 00:05:25.160 and Paris is too expensive to go out at night. Then we found 75 00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:28.839 a bar walking around that would put drinks at fifteen bucks. Imagine yourself as 76 00:05:28.839 --> 00:05:31.720 expensive Paris, which we said we' re going to come in here and 77 00:05:31.759 --> 00:05:33.759 take the last paste we have the last money. We went into that bar. 78 00:05:34.199 --> 00:05:38.399 And that bar at the beginning was weird, because a security came in 79 00:05:38.439 --> 00:05:41.959 and separated us. Okay. He put me on a couch and my colleague 80 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:46.040 Rodri was taken by another room that I already noticed something weird. But when 81 00:05:46.199 --> 00:05:49.120 you travel it' s like you don' t know if you offend by 82 00:05:49.120 --> 00:05:53.120 asking about customs. That' s where you know how you see someone who 83 00:05:53.160 --> 00:05:58.639 ' s killing him on the street and you say I can take pictures. 84 00:05:58.800 --> 00:06:02.120 Then I did not ask anything and suddenly a girl approaches me, which in 85 00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:08.839 my experience does not happen. And the girl tells me you want a dance 86 00:06:08.920 --> 00:06:13.399 which my experience doesn' t happen and I tell her how she does want 87 00:06:13.439 --> 00:06:15.040 a bar that if I want to dance with you and she says no no 88 00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:19.600 if you want me to dance to you and I' m in a whorehouse. 89 00:06:23.319 --> 00:06:29.279 I said they treated me like a king in merit. Totally good and 90 00:06:29.399 --> 00:06:30.519 I say no. No, no, no, no, no. No. 91 00:06:30.639 --> 00:06:31.160 I' m cool, I' m cool. Thank you very much. 92 00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:33.360 No. No. I don' t want any dancing and I don 93 00:06:33.360 --> 00:06:35.519 ' t. No. No. Thank you. And your colleague Rodrigo tells 94 00:06:35.720 --> 00:06:40.600 me, he' s in a room upstairs with a friend of mine and 95 00:06:40.639 --> 00:06:43.879 she' s dancing with him. I said I' m sorry I doubted 96 00:06:43.920 --> 00:06:46.120 that Rodric, who took out a ten last year in religion, was a 97 00:06:46.120 --> 00:06:50.079 colleague of mine. I' m doing what you say, but still I 98 00:06:50.199 --> 00:06:53.439 ' m really cool. I don' t want anything and she insisted and 99 00:06:53.680 --> 00:06:56.439 I didn' t and she says well, because buy me a drink and 100 00:06:56.480 --> 00:06:59.720 I' ll buy you a drink maybe two, because I' m a 101 00:06:59.759 --> 00:07:03.839 little to blame Judeo Cristiana and after half an hour the security comes and brings 102 00:07:04.560 --> 00:07:11.720 us the bill and I owe four hundred euros and I tell you, gentleman, 103 00:07:12.040 --> 00:07:13.839 I don' t know how things are going in France. I imagine 104 00:07:13.879 --> 00:07:15.480 you' re going up here differently, because you' re doing better. 105 00:07:16.720 --> 00:07:20.600 But fifteen plus fifteen plus fifteen plus fifteen until you' re fifteen plus fifteen, 106 00:07:20.920 --> 00:07:27.399 they don' t give four hundred and the guy points the letter to 107 00:07:27.480 --> 00:07:30.160 me and it turns out that the cup I' m inviting the girl to 108 00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:32.160 was worth one hundred and fifty bucks. One thing like that, and who 109 00:07:32.240 --> 00:07:36.240 was going to tell you that in a whorehouse I thought you already, already, 110 00:07:36.439 --> 00:07:50.199 now, now, no, now, that didn' t come out 111 00:07:50.199 --> 00:07:53.079 any total meli. I' m telling you, I don' t take 112 00:07:53.079 --> 00:07:54.680 money. I tell you the gentleman this won' t be possible. I 113 00:07:54.759 --> 00:07:56.319 don' t have any money. He tells me no problem. Number two 114 00:07:56.319 --> 00:08:00.240 ' s bigger than number one' s safe. He grabs me by the 115 00:08:00.279 --> 00:08:05.519 neck and gets me a cashier in front of the whorehouse and I' ll 116 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:09.399 be crazy there like you' re your Spanish fool. Ah I don' 117 00:08:09.399 --> 00:08:20.240 t know what I' m making us know without a smoothie any longer to 118 00:08:20.319 --> 00:08:22.160 Napoleon che gan uncle and I' m still trying to use the subway card 119 00:08:22.160 --> 00:08:24.839 to get money out. Well, when I get the guy that I' 120 00:08:24.920 --> 00:08:28.319 m stupid, then I get back into the whorehouse. In the meantime, 121 00:08:28.600 --> 00:08:31.800 they' re taking my colleague Rodri out because they' re doing the same 122 00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:33.559 thing to him, and we say hello there as we are fools. Yeah, 123 00:08:35.360 --> 00:08:37.720 and I walk into the whorehouse, and then the thing' s really 124 00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:41.159 tense. There' s number one security. He' s holding me by 125 00:08:41.159 --> 00:08:45.200 the neck. He takes off the sticker tie, which I think is an 126 00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:48.120 incredible detail for the movie we were shooting at the time. He takes off 127 00:08:48.120 --> 00:08:54.279 the sticker tie. Raise your fist and just before I broke my face, 128 00:08:54.480 --> 00:08:58.639 you hear a voice in the background and someone says eh pay. Me about 129 00:08:58.679 --> 00:09:18.679 that. You guys know who Melendi was. They didn' t hit us, 130 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:22.360 obviously, no, but I just wanted to see your faces for a 131 00:09:22.360 --> 00:09:30.000 second thinking Melendia is a whore. They hit him from here started Melendi and 132 00:09:31.440 --> 00:09:33.000 I how he knows. I' m glad. I' m glad to 133 00:09:33.080 --> 00:09:37.039 have friends who are better than friends of celebrities. You know evil. They 134 00:09:37.080 --> 00:09:39.879 have real friends with whom I spend these bullshit anecdotes, because famous friends are 135 00:09:39.879 --> 00:09:43.080 fake friends, they' re friends with whom you presume to be fake friends. 136 00:09:45.320 --> 00:09:48.600 I can' t brag about my drug colleague. You know the drug 137 00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:52.399 is the one that takes you on a Tuesday all of a sudden to see 138 00:09:52.440 --> 00:09:56.039 if you can come to sleep at your house one night and continue Sunday with 139 00:09:56.120 --> 00:10:00.840 you smoking joints and eating pizza. You know it' s like a Napoleon. 140 00:10:01.080 --> 00:10:03.600 It' s like Napoleon in like. You open the door and you 141 00:10:03.799 --> 00:10:07.559 say drugs and that suitcase and it says what suitcase not suitcase, hops, 142 00:10:07.120 --> 00:10:11.399 what the fuck not. These aren' t coassans. I' m going 143 00:10:11.480 --> 00:10:18.080 to run for compact. Aylas nothing to invade your house. Nothing. I 144 00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:22.360 know what you' re thinking if you' re under the age of twenty, 145 00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:26.559 Napoleon is a trapper and if you' re over twenty, Napoleon, 146 00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:31.039 he doesn' t speak like Santi when he speaks French, Henry. Right. 147 00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:33.080 I' m very grateful to have the friends I have. I' 148 00:10:33.080 --> 00:10:39.240 m freaked out by the friends I have, because people are horrible and I 149 00:10:39.279 --> 00:10:41.720 ' d be horrified to have to meet new people. People are so boring. 150 00:10:43.080 --> 00:10:46.799 People don' t make sense. People have stopped making sense of how 151 00:10:46.840 --> 00:10:52.159 high leisure is. What' s the point of finding Peña, what' 152 00:10:52.200 --> 00:10:54.960 s the point of finding people when you can be in your house watching TV 153 00:10:56.039 --> 00:10:58.720 What' s the point of people making sense before in the Middle Ages, 154 00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:01.960 when they played or shit like chess or mancala. You know what mancala is? 155 00:11:03.320 --> 00:11:05.519 Don' t you think you don' t know what mancala is? 156 00:11:05.559 --> 00:11:09.200 I' ll explain. The mancala is a game in which you move seeds 157 00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:11.720 around a board, eh, and win the one that has the most seeds 158 00:11:11.720 --> 00:11:15.399 in the end. That shit was the funniest thing five hundred years ago. 159 00:11:16.440 --> 00:11:22.879 Now, for twenty- four bucks you buy a thing that dirtys your clitoris 160 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:28.240 and also tempted on the Internet and you see asses of celebrities whatever you want, 161 00:11:28.480 --> 00:11:31.600 that there are also museums and exhibitions and concerts and whatever you want, 162 00:11:31.720 --> 00:11:33.639 but we all know that amazing two thousand twenty- two that you have the 163 00:11:33.639 --> 00:11:35.559 ass of whoever you want on the Internet. People are so bored in the 164 00:11:35.559 --> 00:11:41.360 Middle Ages. When you saw someone new, you freaked out because you lived 165 00:11:41.639 --> 00:11:43.759 in a house in the middle of nowhere with your wife and your kids you 166 00:11:43.799 --> 00:11:50.159 wanted to kill, you know planting tomatoes, and then one day there was 167 00:11:50.200 --> 00:11:52.840 a traveler in front of your house, a person you' d never seen 168 00:11:52.960 --> 00:11:58.080 before and it was a holiday. It was a day like or a new 169 00:11:58.320 --> 00:12:03.600 gentleman. Please tell me where you are from Murcia. You' ve never 170 00:12:05.159 --> 00:12:11.120 heard of that magical place of yours. Call Murcia. Please, come inside 171 00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:15.519 my house and eat my food. Sleep in my bed. Foyese to my 172 00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:28.200 children, but tell me about murciaaaaaaaa j Now people don' t make sense. 173 00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:31.279 Everybody' s the same. You' re meeting a girl. The 174 00:12:31.279 --> 00:12:35.120 conversation is you have anxiety. I' ve got considerate, too. Everyone 175 00:12:35.120 --> 00:12:39.159 has anxiety. We' re just imagining cutting someone off is a lot harder. 176 00:12:39.200 --> 00:12:43.720 Now, man, cut someone off, you tempt, cut up with 177 00:12:43.720 --> 00:12:45.759 a girl. Now you can' t La? Do you have all the 178 00:12:45.799 --> 00:12:46.600 time in instagram? You' ve got it all the time on your cell 179 00:12:46.600 --> 00:12:50.759 phone. You' ve got to fuck it. You have to fuck her 180 00:12:50.759 --> 00:12:52.279 parents. You have to make a doggy fuck that you didn' t ironically 181 00:12:52.279 --> 00:12:56.360 create the two of you together. You know before in the middle. It 182 00:12:56.399 --> 00:13:00.600 was so easy. It was so easy. You convinced the whole town that, 183 00:13:00.720 --> 00:13:01.919 since Bride was a witch and you saw as ordeal, the loaf was 184 00:13:01.919 --> 00:13:07.440 those bitches. We took you home, you fucked yourself to make cousin, 185 00:13:07.679 --> 00:13:11.879 and that' s it. Okay, I' m gonna finish up with 186 00:13:11.879 --> 00:13:13.720 a joke. It' s a popular joke. This is a guy who 187 00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:18.039 loses his keys at night and starts looking for them under a lamppost. He 188 00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:20.440 approaches a policeman and calls him a gentleman, I can help him and yes. 189 00:13:20.519 --> 00:13:24.480 I lost my car keys and it says where you lost them and it 190 00:13:24.480 --> 00:13:26.840 says down there and why it' s looking under the lamppost, because there 191 00:13:26.840 --> 00:13:33.799 ' s light here. Don' t look just where they tell you to 192 00:13:33.799 --> 00:13:37.840 buy a flashlight. I' m Sanchez, Perus. Thank you very much. 193 00:13:37.960 --> 00:13:41.000 Thank you You' ll see.