1 00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:16,559 Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, thank you, Chavales, thank you, 2 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,600 uh, uh, I' m very happy to be here. Jo, 3 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,239 I' m so happy. Years ago in a confused little guy in Oviedo 4 00:00:23,239 --> 00:00:26,839 who had comedians on TV I' m already recording it for Comedy Central and 5 00:00:26,879 --> 00:00:32,520 thank you for being here. We' re gonna get on very well. 6 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:41,600 I also tell you I work a covering up all that it takes to get 7 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:45,479 out of there makes me happy all that it takes and that it' s 8 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:49,960 not dani mateo nearby. It' s amazing. I' m gone scared 9 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,280 Havido. Twelve years they put a very large Spanish flag in the center of 10 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,320 the city. I don' t understand the fashion of putting flags from Spain. 11 00:00:56,439 --> 00:01:00,119 All the time it' s in case you get lost, you know, 12 00:01:00,439 --> 00:01:03,799 if you get nervous you don' t know what country you' re 13 00:01:03,799 --> 00:01:07,840 in and suddenly you look and say uh, suddenly you see a nigger in 14 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:11,040 the distance you get scared, but the flag is there. You' re 15 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,959 saying it' s a bad thing. I thought I was in Portugal again. 16 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,120 Local politics is fascinating because in order to put that flag of Spain they 17 00:01:19,239 --> 00:01:23,879 removed some banks that had previously painted with the flag of gay pride. For 18 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,640 some reason, the two things couldn' t be at once, you know, 19 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:30,920 Spain is like the son of divorced parents who are both addicted to bricomania. 20 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:37,400 Hey, Tim, why does it happen, why do you cry, 21 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:42,280 how Mom forced you to burn the statue of Christopher Columbus that we did last 22 00:01:42,359 --> 00:01:49,480 week and put in place a monument Emilia Pardo Bazán. Don' t worry, 23 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,519 Temmy. This week it' s your turn with Dad and if you 24 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:57,120 behave yourself, we dedicate a street to Milana is and if you behave yourself 25 00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:00,359 very well. We make it a frank position and or, and I think 26 00:02:00,439 --> 00:02:05,519 the secret to making local politics work is mixing. You want to dedicate a 27 00:02:05,519 --> 00:02:09,039 street to Rivera' s cousin without a problem in Chueca. You want to 28 00:02:09,159 --> 00:02:13,360 put up a flag with the cool eagle, but have them held by a 29 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,599 parrot statue. You want to dedicate a great frank statue to him, Franco 30 00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:30,280 ' s head and Cherique' s body. Oh living in Asturias, you 31 00:02:30,319 --> 00:02:32,120 ' ll live you' re Wild, you' re studying in Wild. 32 00:02:32,199 --> 00:02:38,919 I dated a girl, she was a vegetarian and a Nazi. It was 33 00:02:38,919 --> 00:02:44,000 harder for my family to understand it as a vegetarian. You know, I 34 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,759 took it with me, introduced it to my parents. We went to eat 35 00:02:45,759 --> 00:02:49,759 at a restaurant. She ordered a plate of baked vegetables because they had the 36 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:54,879 two things she liked the most. Or is this it? He liked all 37 00:02:54,879 --> 00:02:59,759 vegetables, except beans. Is that it? Yeah? Is he? Yeah? 38 00:02:59,759 --> 00:03:00,840 Is he? Yeah? Is he? Yeah? Is he? Yeah? 39 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:02,599 Is he? Yeah? Is this it? The vegans are very concentration 40 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:09,520 camp, is that it? Total good. He ordered a plate of baked 41 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:14,400 vegetables in Oviedo, Asturias, the capital of the Cachopo, the meat and 42 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,039 my mother told him, before ordering the dish of baked vegetables, ask if 43 00:03:17,039 --> 00:03:21,599 it carries meat. I told Mom, it' s called baked vegetables, 44 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,080 how I' m going to bring meat. Well, we asked the waiter 45 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,879 and he told us, man, a little bacon. Yes, he' 46 00:03:27,439 --> 00:03:30,879 s wearing ja Asturias. I cut you Asturias. He' s violent. 47 00:03:31,039 --> 00:03:35,159 I have friends, my friends, they' re crazy, my friends because 48 00:03:35,159 --> 00:03:37,439 they' re from there. The other day I was with my colleague Sergio 49 00:03:37,479 --> 00:03:40,120 in a discotheque and suddenly we started talking to a girl and we asked her 50 00:03:40,199 --> 00:03:45,159 what you do and she tells us I am manager at Luis Viton and my 51 00:03:45,199 --> 00:03:49,840 colleague Sergio excited, excited, tell me more. And I' ve been 52 00:03:49,919 --> 00:03:53,560 freaking out since when he gives a shit. Sergio the bags and I left 53 00:03:53,639 --> 00:03:55,719 him there and after a while I see him alone and I ask him, 54 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,879 man, what happened and he says shut up he thought he said Buittony. 55 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:08,960 The guy asked her how she lived at the Terradillas house. From now on, 56 00:04:09,199 --> 00:04:12,520 I have another colleague named the batter. The batter. The bat was 57 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,759 a summer. He took care of dogs. It' s okay for people 58 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,680 to go on vacation and then I needed someone to take care of the dogs. 59 00:04:17,759 --> 00:04:20,800 He had a very large garden where he left all the dogs there to 60 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:26,560 see. Every time I see a sign looking for it, I know where 61 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:30,920 that dog is buried in that garden. Anyway, for some reason, people 62 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,079 trusted the dogs, my colleague, the bat, and one day we were 63 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,000 on the beach with him and they call him on the phone and he takes 64 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:40,959 him very angry, very angry and says yes, yes, yes, fuck, 65 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,120 yes, yes, yes. I told you I was good again, 66 00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:46,199 it was this morning, but every flight this afternoon comes bye and I ask 67 00:04:46,199 --> 00:04:48,639 Batera, what' s up. Says nothing, man, a guy I 68 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,800 have to give him back the dog, but that' s it. I 69 00:04:50,879 --> 00:04:53,040 ' ll give it back to you this afternoon, that' s all. 70 00:04:54,079 --> 00:05:06,560 It was a dog. Guide somewhere, somewhere there was a blind man who 71 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:11,279 couldn' t leave home because my colleague wanted to take a mojito nothing. 72 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,639 I have a slightly longer history with this with my colleagues. Once in Paris. 73 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:20,040 I did the month in Paris and came to visit my colleague Rodrigo Vale, 74 00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:25,160 and Paris is too expensive to go out at night. Then we found 75 00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:28,839 a bar walking around that would put drinks at fifteen bucks. Imagine yourself as 76 00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:31,720 expensive Paris, which we said we' re going to come in here and 77 00:05:31,759 --> 00:05:33,759 take the last paste we have the last money. We went into that bar. 78 00:05:34,199 --> 00:05:38,399 And that bar at the beginning was weird, because a security came in 79 00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:41,959 and separated us. Okay. He put me on a couch and my colleague 80 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:46,040 Rodri was taken by another room that I already noticed something weird. But when 81 00:05:46,199 --> 00:05:49,120 you travel it' s like you don' t know if you offend by 82 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:53,120 asking about customs. That' s where you know how you see someone who 83 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:58,639 ' s killing him on the street and you say I can take pictures. 84 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,120 Then I did not ask anything and suddenly a girl approaches me, which in 85 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:08,839 my experience does not happen. And the girl tells me you want a dance 86 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:13,399 which my experience doesn' t happen and I tell her how she does want 87 00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:15,040 a bar that if I want to dance with you and she says no no 88 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:19,600 if you want me to dance to you and I' m in a whorehouse. 89 00:06:23,319 --> 00:06:29,279 I said they treated me like a king in merit. Totally good and 90 00:06:29,399 --> 00:06:30,519 I say no. No, no, no, no, no. No. 91 00:06:30,639 --> 00:06:31,160 I' m cool, I' m cool. Thank you very much. 92 00:06:31,199 --> 00:06:33,360 No. No. I don' t want any dancing and I don 93 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,519 ' t. No. No. Thank you. And your colleague Rodrigo tells 94 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:40,600 me, he' s in a room upstairs with a friend of mine and 95 00:06:40,639 --> 00:06:43,879 she' s dancing with him. I said I' m sorry I doubted 96 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,120 that Rodric, who took out a ten last year in religion, was a 97 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:50,079 colleague of mine. I' m doing what you say, but still I 98 00:06:50,199 --> 00:06:53,439 ' m really cool. I don' t want anything and she insisted and 99 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,439 I didn' t and she says well, because buy me a drink and 100 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:59,720 I' ll buy you a drink maybe two, because I' m a 101 00:06:59,759 --> 00:07:03,839 little to blame Judeo Cristiana and after half an hour the security comes and brings 102 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:11,720 us the bill and I owe four hundred euros and I tell you, gentleman, 103 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,839 I don' t know how things are going in France. I imagine 104 00:07:13,879 --> 00:07:15,480 you' re going up here differently, because you' re doing better. 105 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:20,600 But fifteen plus fifteen plus fifteen plus fifteen until you' re fifteen plus fifteen, 106 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:27,399 they don' t give four hundred and the guy points the letter to 107 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:30,160 me and it turns out that the cup I' m inviting the girl to 108 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,160 was worth one hundred and fifty bucks. One thing like that, and who 109 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:36,240 was going to tell you that in a whorehouse I thought you already, already, 110 00:07:36,439 --> 00:07:50,199 now, now, no, now, that didn' t come out 111 00:07:50,199 --> 00:07:53,079 any total meli. I' m telling you, I don' t take 112 00:07:53,079 --> 00:07:54,680 money. I tell you the gentleman this won' t be possible. I 113 00:07:54,759 --> 00:07:56,319 don' t have any money. He tells me no problem. Number two 114 00:07:56,319 --> 00:08:00,240 ' s bigger than number one' s safe. He grabs me by the 115 00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:05,519 neck and gets me a cashier in front of the whorehouse and I' ll 116 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:09,399 be crazy there like you' re your Spanish fool. Ah I don' 117 00:08:09,399 --> 00:08:20,240 t know what I' m making us know without a smoothie any longer to 118 00:08:20,319 --> 00:08:22,160 Napoleon che gan uncle and I' m still trying to use the subway card 119 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,839 to get money out. Well, when I get the guy that I' 120 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:28,319 m stupid, then I get back into the whorehouse. In the meantime, 121 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,800 they' re taking my colleague Rodri out because they' re doing the same 122 00:08:31,839 --> 00:08:33,559 thing to him, and we say hello there as we are fools. Yeah, 123 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,720 and I walk into the whorehouse, and then the thing' s really 124 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:41,159 tense. There' s number one security. He' s holding me by 125 00:08:41,159 --> 00:08:45,200 the neck. He takes off the sticker tie, which I think is an 126 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,120 incredible detail for the movie we were shooting at the time. He takes off 127 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:54,279 the sticker tie. Raise your fist and just before I broke my face, 128 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:58,639 you hear a voice in the background and someone says eh pay. Me about 129 00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:18,679 that. You guys know who Melendi was. They didn' t hit us, 130 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,360 obviously, no, but I just wanted to see your faces for a 131 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:30,000 second thinking Melendia is a whore. They hit him from here started Melendi and 132 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,000 I how he knows. I' m glad. I' m glad to 133 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:37,039 have friends who are better than friends of celebrities. You know evil. They 134 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,879 have real friends with whom I spend these bullshit anecdotes, because famous friends are 135 00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:43,080 fake friends, they' re friends with whom you presume to be fake friends. 136 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:48,600 I can' t brag about my drug colleague. You know the drug 137 00:09:48,639 --> 00:09:52,399 is the one that takes you on a Tuesday all of a sudden to see 138 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:56,039 if you can come to sleep at your house one night and continue Sunday with 139 00:09:56,120 --> 00:10:00,840 you smoking joints and eating pizza. You know it' s like a Napoleon. 140 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,600 It' s like Napoleon in like. You open the door and you 141 00:10:03,799 --> 00:10:07,559 say drugs and that suitcase and it says what suitcase not suitcase, hops, 142 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:11,399 what the fuck not. These aren' t coassans. I' m going 143 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:18,080 to run for compact. Aylas nothing to invade your house. Nothing. I 144 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:22,360 know what you' re thinking if you' re under the age of twenty, 145 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,559 Napoleon is a trapper and if you' re over twenty, Napoleon, 146 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:31,039 he doesn' t speak like Santi when he speaks French, Henry. Right. 147 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,080 I' m very grateful to have the friends I have. I' 148 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:39,240 m freaked out by the friends I have, because people are horrible and I 149 00:10:39,279 --> 00:10:41,720 ' d be horrified to have to meet new people. People are so boring. 150 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:46,799 People don' t make sense. People have stopped making sense of how 151 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:52,159 high leisure is. What' s the point of finding Peña, what' 152 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,960 s the point of finding people when you can be in your house watching TV 153 00:10:56,039 --> 00:10:58,720 What' s the point of people making sense before in the Middle Ages, 154 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,960 when they played or shit like chess or mancala. You know what mancala is? 155 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,519 Don' t you think you don' t know what mancala is? 156 00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:09,200 I' ll explain. The mancala is a game in which you move seeds 157 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,720 around a board, eh, and win the one that has the most seeds 158 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,399 in the end. That shit was the funniest thing five hundred years ago. 159 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:22,879 Now, for twenty- four bucks you buy a thing that dirtys your clitoris 160 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:28,240 and also tempted on the Internet and you see asses of celebrities whatever you want, 161 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,600 that there are also museums and exhibitions and concerts and whatever you want, 162 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:33,639 but we all know that amazing two thousand twenty- two that you have the 163 00:11:33,639 --> 00:11:35,559 ass of whoever you want on the Internet. People are so bored in the 164 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:41,360 Middle Ages. When you saw someone new, you freaked out because you lived 165 00:11:41,639 --> 00:11:43,759 in a house in the middle of nowhere with your wife and your kids you 166 00:11:43,799 --> 00:11:50,159 wanted to kill, you know planting tomatoes, and then one day there was 167 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,840 a traveler in front of your house, a person you' d never seen 168 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:58,080 before and it was a holiday. It was a day like or a new 169 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:03,600 gentleman. Please tell me where you are from Murcia. You' ve never 170 00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:11,120 heard of that magical place of yours. Call Murcia. Please, come inside 171 00:12:11,279 --> 00:12:15,519 my house and eat my food. Sleep in my bed. Foyese to my 172 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:28,200 children, but tell me about murciaaaaaaaa j Now people don' t make sense. 173 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,279 Everybody' s the same. You' re meeting a girl. The 174 00:12:31,279 --> 00:12:35,120 conversation is you have anxiety. I' ve got considerate, too. Everyone 175 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:39,159 has anxiety. We' re just imagining cutting someone off is a lot harder. 176 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:43,720 Now, man, cut someone off, you tempt, cut up with 177 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,759 a girl. Now you can' t La? Do you have all the 178 00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:46,600 time in instagram? You' ve got it all the time on your cell 179 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,759 phone. You' ve got to fuck it. You have to fuck her 180 00:12:50,759 --> 00:12:52,279 parents. You have to make a doggy fuck that you didn' t ironically 181 00:12:52,279 --> 00:12:56,360 create the two of you together. You know before in the middle. It 182 00:12:56,399 --> 00:13:00,600 was so easy. It was so easy. You convinced the whole town that, 183 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:01,919 since Bride was a witch and you saw as ordeal, the loaf was 184 00:13:01,919 --> 00:13:07,440 those bitches. We took you home, you fucked yourself to make cousin, 185 00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:11,879 and that' s it. Okay, I' m gonna finish up with 186 00:13:11,879 --> 00:13:13,720 a joke. It' s a popular joke. This is a guy who 187 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:18,039 loses his keys at night and starts looking for them under a lamppost. He 188 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,440 approaches a policeman and calls him a gentleman, I can help him and yes. 189 00:13:20,519 --> 00:13:24,480 I lost my car keys and it says where you lost them and it 190 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,840 says down there and why it' s looking under the lamppost, because there 191 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:33,799 ' s light here. Don' t look just where they tell you to 192 00:13:33,799 --> 00:13:37,840 buy a flashlight. I' m Sanchez, Perus. Thank you very much. 193 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:41,000 Thank you You' ll see.