WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.120 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the 2 00:00:04.200 --> 00:00:09.839 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app AFI Am six forty. 3 00:00:09.880 --> 00:00:13.480 You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 4 00:00:13.560 --> 00:00:16.160 I want you to sit back because for the next two hours we are 5 00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:21.679 going to talk about love, not just love between lovers, love between friends, 6 00:00:22.039 --> 00:00:28.600 love between colleagues, hopefully not breaking any boundaries with you know, HR 7 00:00:28.679 --> 00:00:34.359 departments, but also just good healthy relationships. And you know where our romantic 8 00:00:34.439 --> 00:00:40.079 relationships begin. They actually begin in the earliest time of our life, in 9 00:00:40.119 --> 00:00:46.320 the first few years. It is our primary relationship with our parents that become 10 00:00:46.439 --> 00:00:50.840 a kind of model for love that we take into our adult romantic world. 11 00:00:51.119 --> 00:00:54.640 Producer Kayla, we have you with me, of course there you are good 12 00:00:54.640 --> 00:00:57.799 to see you too, Doctor Wendy. I have to tell you the cutestl 13 00:00:57.880 --> 00:01:03.640 story because I say that love starts by parents having a good, solid relationship 14 00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:07.760 with kids, but also teaching them emotional language. This morning, I happened 15 00:01:07.760 --> 00:01:11.280 to be up at my farm and we got two new baby lambs that came 16 00:01:11.359 --> 00:01:15.599 during the night. They're both black, but the mom was white. Seat 17 00:01:15.799 --> 00:01:19.560 sheep are fascinating anyway. They a little three year old was staying with my 18 00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:23.599 Airbnb with his parents and he I let him pick up the baby lamb and 19 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:26.799 he was holding it and being such a good little boy about it, and 20 00:01:26.840 --> 00:01:32.359 then felt the hoof scratch his arm and thought the lamb was gonna hurt him, 21 00:01:32.400 --> 00:01:34.799 so suddenly dropped. There's baby lamb on the ground. Luckily, when 22 00:01:34.840 --> 00:01:40.120 you're three years old, it's not a far way down. And the mother 23 00:01:41.000 --> 00:01:47.599 was fabulous. She said that hurt the baby lamb. I know you were 24 00:01:47.640 --> 00:01:51.359 scared. I know you felt nervous, but I want you to know because 25 00:01:51.359 --> 00:01:53.120 the kid's like he's gonna hurt me, He's gonna hurt me. I want 26 00:01:53.159 --> 00:01:57.040 you to know the lamb did not want to hurt you, and I know 27 00:01:57.200 --> 00:02:02.400 you were scared anyway, but you can't hold the lamb anymore because we don't 28 00:02:02.400 --> 00:02:07.079 want that to happen again. So you see what she did there. She 29 00:02:07.239 --> 00:02:13.520 identified a feeling in the victim, identified the feeling in the assailant, and 30 00:02:13.560 --> 00:02:17.840 then explained the consequence, No anger, just calm, and wouldn't it be 31 00:02:17.840 --> 00:02:22.319 wonderful if we all had had parents like that. Instead, we had parents 32 00:02:22.360 --> 00:02:24.800 who said, go to your room, come back when you've changed your attitude, 33 00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:29.639 or you're grounded for a month. But wait, what did I do? 34 00:02:29.719 --> 00:02:34.240 I don't understand. And then we go out on these dates in our 35 00:02:34.280 --> 00:02:40.080 adult romantic life and we accept criticism, we accept the silent treatment, because 36 00:02:40.120 --> 00:02:45.000 this reflects what we might have had early in life. The good news to 37 00:02:45.039 --> 00:02:49.280 everybody is that if you go to a good licensed therapist, if you have 38 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:55.199 an attachment style that's insecure, you can actually change your attachment style. So 39 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:59.879 coming up in today's show, I want to talk about a little later how 40 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:05.280 so how you can support a friend who's going through divorce, because it's very, 41 00:03:05.360 --> 00:03:09.639 very common, and I cannot stand it when people use the term a 42 00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:15.639 well, that relationship failed, well, that marriage sure failed, as if 43 00:03:15.840 --> 00:03:22.759 duration is the only litmus test for relationship success. Actually, sometimes a short 44 00:03:22.840 --> 00:03:27.759 relationship where you learned very quickly WHOA I made a bad choice, my picker 45 00:03:27.840 --> 00:03:30.159 wasn't working. I got to get out of here instead of hanging in with 46 00:03:30.240 --> 00:03:36.199 a bad relationship forever and ever, it's actually more success to recognize what's going 47 00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:39.599 on and move along and make a better choice next time. Listen. Because 48 00:03:39.639 --> 00:03:45.560 of our very long life expectancies, many many people, most people are going 49 00:03:45.599 --> 00:03:47.560 to have two or three long stints of monogamy. And whenever I say that, 50 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:51.919 I get a call or a text or an email from somebody who says, 51 00:03:52.240 --> 00:03:54.520 well, my spouse have been and I have been together thirty years or 52 00:03:54.599 --> 00:03:59.680 forty years and we still love each other. So stop saying that, doctor 53 00:03:59.719 --> 00:04:04.639 Wendy, you know what. Congratulations, this is fabulous. I'm so proud 54 00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:10.199 of you. You have a secure attachment. This is great, and you're 55 00:04:10.199 --> 00:04:14.439 the minority. It's called anecdotal evidence. The truth is, because of our 56 00:04:14.520 --> 00:04:19.879 very long life expectancies, even the most monogamous of humans may find two or 57 00:04:19.920 --> 00:04:25.879 even three long stints of monogamy in their life span at some point. So 58 00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:30.720 one of the things that drives me crazy is a term that people use all 59 00:04:30.720 --> 00:04:32.839 the time. I was on someone's podcast recently and I told them, you 60 00:04:32.839 --> 00:04:35.279 know, I don't really believe in soulmates, and I don't know. This 61 00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:38.959 was one of those Wu wu kind of hippie podcasts. She goes, well, 62 00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:43.600 I do believe in soulmates, and I believe that my husband is my 63 00:04:43.720 --> 00:04:47.720 soulmate. And I realized we were kind of talking about the same thing, 64 00:04:48.240 --> 00:04:56.439 but she just used different language. I like science, and I believe in 65 00:04:56.480 --> 00:05:00.319 the science of love. The reason why I don't like the word soulmate is 66 00:05:00.319 --> 00:05:03.800 it implies like there's only one. It's like the one I met, my 67 00:05:03.959 --> 00:05:09.519 one. But actually no, if you have good relationship skills, there are 68 00:05:09.519 --> 00:05:14.279 many many people that you might think are soulmates out there. So let's talk 69 00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:18.800 about the four signs according to me, of that, let you know that 70 00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:21.759 it actually is. We'll call it true love. Okay, we'll get there. 71 00:05:21.800 --> 00:05:25.920 We'll split the instead of science of love and says soulmate, we'll split 72 00:05:25.959 --> 00:05:30.199 it in the middle. We'll call it true love. One is you found 73 00:05:30.279 --> 00:05:35.560 your biopsychosocial connection. That means biologically, you're physically attracted to this person. 74 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:43.480 Psychologically and that means emotionally and intellectually you really feel connected. But don't forget 75 00:05:43.480 --> 00:05:47.639 about the social connection, because love is social too. Having common values goals 76 00:05:48.079 --> 00:05:53.079 the joining of your two social worlds. Okay, that's number one. Number 77 00:05:53.120 --> 00:06:00.040 two, you guys totally inspire each other. You know, every relationship and 78 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:05.439 every friendship and every person in our life enlivens a piece of our personality, 79 00:06:05.759 --> 00:06:10.920 right and if you're lucky enough to be in a relationship where the best of 80 00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:14.079 you comes out. You know, heard that thing like you make me a 81 00:06:14.120 --> 00:06:16.120 better man, you make me a better woman. Well you don't. The 82 00:06:16.160 --> 00:06:19.519 good man is in there, the good woman's in there. But it is 83 00:06:19.720 --> 00:06:26.959 enlivened when you are in that space. I should say also, not only 84 00:06:27.040 --> 00:06:30.839 inspiring each other is important, but sharing what each other are into, like 85 00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:36.160 we learn from each other. Like my boyfriend, I never knew anything about 86 00:06:36.199 --> 00:06:42.319 Formula one. I never knew anything about some forms of politics. I never 87 00:06:42.399 --> 00:06:45.879 knew what else is he really into? Oh? Classic cars? But there 88 00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:48.560 I am on Sunday mornings out of classic car shows with him. There I 89 00:06:48.600 --> 00:06:53.639 am up early, getting him a cup of tea while he watches Formula one 90 00:06:53.680 --> 00:06:59.120 and I'm learning. It's fascinating and he's learning a lot from me. Number 91 00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:04.600 three, You get really happy and excited and joyous when your partner has success, 92 00:07:05.439 --> 00:07:10.839 a good, healthy, true love. There's no competition, all right, 93 00:07:11.120 --> 00:07:16.439 no competition. I remember one time years ago telling a guy that I 94 00:07:16.480 --> 00:07:19.360 was dating. He was in the restaurant business, and I was saying, 95 00:07:19.399 --> 00:07:24.000 oh, you know, I'd like to have like a little hotel someday, 96 00:07:24.120 --> 00:07:27.680 and I'd like to have like a little jazz bar that would serve a late 97 00:07:27.800 --> 00:07:31.199 night supper. And he looked at me and said, how would you like 98 00:07:31.240 --> 00:07:35.040 it if I said to you, I want to ankle the evening news. 99 00:07:35.720 --> 00:07:40.360 I'm like, I'd say, that's cool. You want me to introduce you 100 00:07:40.399 --> 00:07:45.319 to some people. But he didn't get it because he was threatened by my 101 00:07:45.480 --> 00:07:50.360 desire. His low self esteem about his success or not got was triggered by 102 00:07:50.399 --> 00:07:57.680 me. When you're in love, you celebrate each other's success because no matter 103 00:07:57.800 --> 00:08:01.360 which partner wins, it's a win for the team. It's a good thing. 104 00:08:03.560 --> 00:08:07.399 And number four, to know that you have found true love, you've 105 00:08:07.480 --> 00:08:11.759 chosen to stay in love. So here's the thing. At the beginning, 106 00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:18.560 you've got all those neuro hormones helping you out the lust phase, the passion 107 00:08:18.639 --> 00:08:20.920 phase. You want to be with them all the time. They smell so 108 00:08:20.040 --> 00:08:24.639 delicious, everything about them is perfect, and after a while you see the 109 00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:31.000 truth. But your relationship continues to grow and your hormones aren't the driver anymore. 110 00:08:31.360 --> 00:08:35.480 Your big fat brain is. You get to make a choice. You 111 00:08:35.559 --> 00:08:43.759 get to actively choose to love your partner, and that takes a little bit 112 00:08:43.759 --> 00:08:48.000 of work, but not really. You know, my favorite trick when it 113 00:08:48.039 --> 00:08:56.519 comes to staying in love is to spend every day catching them being good like 114 00:08:56.559 --> 00:09:00.639 you would with a child, instead of nagging them about what they haven't done. 115 00:09:00.720 --> 00:09:03.720 What have you done for me lately? How about spending some time saying, 116 00:09:05.399 --> 00:09:09.679 I'm going to notice and I'm going to express gratitude. And when you 117 00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:15.159 do that, you're actually reminding your own brain of why you're there. Love 118 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:18.519 is something that is shaped. I like to say love is a verb. 119 00:09:18.919 --> 00:09:24.159 It's an action word, and it is the word to give. It's not 120 00:09:24.360 --> 00:09:30.200 something that happens, it's something that's created. Now, it's wonderful if you 121 00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:33.080 can start out with a connection with somebody because you've got a biological, a 122 00:09:33.159 --> 00:09:39.279 psychological and a social match. But after that that's gonna all calm down and 123 00:09:39.320 --> 00:09:46.519 you need to do the work of love, all right when we come back. 124 00:09:46.919 --> 00:09:48.879 Someone recently said to me, you know, I think I'm going to 125 00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:52.919 go for color therapy, And I'm thinking, is that like Merril Norman and 126 00:09:52.960 --> 00:09:56.919 they do your colors and you're going to get your hair colored. No, 127 00:09:56.919 --> 00:10:01.679 no, no, it's a mental health thing. They put colors in front 128 00:10:01.720 --> 00:10:03.840 of your eyes and it changes your mood, and all of a sudden, 129 00:10:05.399 --> 00:10:09.600 I was reminded that we live in California and there's all kinds of stuff out 130 00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:13.639 there. So I did a deep dive on the research, and actually, 131 00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:20.039 color therapy is a thing, and it's used in some areas, and there's 132 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:24.759 lots that's interesting about it, and lots I totally disagree with. Let me 133 00:10:24.759 --> 00:10:28.480 explain when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show 134 00:10:28.519 --> 00:10:35.519 on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're 135 00:10:35.559 --> 00:10:43.080 listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty AFI Am six 136 00:10:43.159 --> 00:10:46.240 forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 137 00:10:46.279 --> 00:10:50.120 Walsh Show. Let's talk about color. First of all, I have always 138 00:10:50.200 --> 00:10:56.120 felt that, just for me, that the color of a room causes me 139 00:10:56.320 --> 00:11:01.600 to feel a certain way. And when I say the color of a room, 140 00:11:01.720 --> 00:11:05.120 I know there are artists out there, I know there are decorators. 141 00:11:05.559 --> 00:11:11.559 I know there are creative people who love brightly colored rooms. I do not. 142 00:11:13.440 --> 00:11:18.879 I am one of those people who has always wanted muted colors or indeed, 143 00:11:18.200 --> 00:11:20.960 white, white, white, white white. I have white floors, 144 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:24.679 I have white walls, I have white bedding, I have white so white, 145 00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:30.919 and for some reason, I feel calm when I'm in all white, 146 00:11:31.279 --> 00:11:35.559 all white room. So I thought there's got to be something to this color 147 00:11:35.759 --> 00:11:41.000 therapy we're talking about. By the way, I just want to add one 148 00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:45.879 other new color in the last couple years, and this is green. And 149 00:11:45.919 --> 00:11:50.559 I don't mean decorator green. I mean the color of nature. Now, 150 00:11:50.600 --> 00:11:54.159 I have trouble being in a room where if I look out the window, 151 00:11:54.360 --> 00:11:58.639 I see a city scape instead of green. I just love lush. I 152 00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:05.000 love the spring when the greens are almost neon green. I love the fall 153 00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:09.159 when the greens get more muted and add those oranges and rusts. I'm fine 154 00:12:09.159 --> 00:12:11.720 with it. If it's nature green, I'm good. Yeah. On the 155 00:12:11.720 --> 00:12:16.559 fall they go kind of safe. My greens go sage and eucalyptus looking anyway. 156 00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:18.200 That makes me happy. In fact, my wedd and colors are white, 157 00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:22.360 green, white green. Those are my colors. So someone recently told 158 00:12:22.360 --> 00:12:28.799 me that there's this thing called color therapy, and it supposedly uses the color 159 00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:33.840 the power. If there is such a thing of color to help support mental 160 00:12:33.039 --> 00:12:39.600 or emotional or even physical well being, and so unlike, you know, 161 00:12:39.000 --> 00:12:43.200 going to remember back of the day, you could go and get your colors 162 00:12:43.240 --> 00:12:46.039 done at like Merril Norman one of those places, and they tell you, 163 00:12:46.480 --> 00:12:50.919 oh, if you're a redhead, don't wear pink, and like, yeah, 164 00:12:50.360 --> 00:12:54.799 we get that. I always thought it was kind of silly, but 165 00:12:54.120 --> 00:12:56.840 a lot of people did it. Maybe they don't know how to dress themselves. 166 00:12:56.919 --> 00:13:03.600 I don't know. Some people call color therapy colorology. See they give 167 00:13:03.639 --> 00:13:09.679 it a fancy name too. Apparently in the California world of holistic and alternative 168 00:13:09.720 --> 00:13:16.039 medicine, they say, if you do colorology red. The color red is 169 00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:20.000 used to stimulate your body and mind and increase circulation. The color yellow is 170 00:13:20.039 --> 00:13:24.960 thought to stimulate the nerves and purify your body. Orange is used to heal 171 00:13:26.039 --> 00:13:31.879 the lungs and increase your energy levels. Blue is believed to soothe illnesses and 172 00:13:31.960 --> 00:13:37.720 treat pain. Indigo are thought to be good for skin problems. Okay, 173 00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:45.360 let's just pause here. Color therapy is considered pseudoscience and even quackery. And 174 00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:50.919 here's why. There's a limited science backed research on this kind of color therapy. 175 00:13:50.960 --> 00:13:54.399 But having said that, humans have tried for a very long time to 176 00:13:54.559 --> 00:14:00.000 make these associations between color and as I told you, I do feel differ 177 00:14:00.840 --> 00:14:03.440 in a room with muted colors. I know I do. And when I'm 178 00:14:03.480 --> 00:14:07.879 in a busy room with lots of patterns and bright colors, I feel like 179 00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:13.000 my brain is I don't know, it's congested, there's too much going on. 180 00:14:13.120 --> 00:14:18.240 So there is research to show that color and light therapy was once practiced 181 00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:24.559 in Egypt, Greece, China, and India back in ancient times. So 182 00:14:24.600 --> 00:14:28.399 it made me start to think maybe this color therapy is kind of like aroma 183 00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:33.799 therapy. Now here's the thing about aroma therapy. It works for some people 184 00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:37.559 and not for others. There are some people who can feel stressed or have 185 00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:41.639 a headache and they can start breathing eucalyptus or lavender, and the next thing 186 00:14:41.679 --> 00:14:43.679 you know, they're in lalla land. It feels so good, and other 187 00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:45.919 people are like, what, it's just a smell. I don't know what 188 00:14:45.960 --> 00:14:54.480 you're talking about. So I had this thought that maybe people who react well 189 00:14:54.519 --> 00:15:01.440 to so called color therapy actually have color synathesia. Here's what synethesia is. 190 00:15:01.000 --> 00:15:09.320 It's a phenomenon that causes crossovers in our sensory perception. So in other words, 191 00:15:09.360 --> 00:15:13.799 there's some people out there who can look at a color and get a 192 00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:20.879 taste in their mouth. Some people hear something and feel literally feel it in 193 00:15:20.879 --> 00:15:24.200 their body. Well, music often does that with the vibrations, right. 194 00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:31.519 Some people describe synethesia as having your wires crossed because it activates two or more 195 00:15:31.559 --> 00:15:35.320 senses at the same time. So it's not a disease. It's not a 196 00:15:35.320 --> 00:15:39.480 medical medical condition. However, it is often associated with autism. Not for 197 00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:46.960 everybody, but it's often a symptom of autism. It's a condition really where 198 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:50.799 one sense is experienced at the same time as another, is kind of a 199 00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:54.639 criss cross and as usually you're born that way. That's where it's estimated that 200 00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:58.679 about four percent of the population have some form of synesesia. I remember years 201 00:15:58.679 --> 00:16:03.799 ago on a date with a big composer, a musician guy, and I 202 00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:07.879 said, let'll just ask him his process, you know, And he said, 203 00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:11.080 and he writes songs for a lot of big stars. And he said, 204 00:16:11.600 --> 00:16:15.519 I meet them and I see them, and I just get a feeling 205 00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:21.080 and the notes just show up. I see the music around their face and 206 00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:26.320 around their head. I can see it, So he had a visual synesthesia, 207 00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:33.240 right. Some other examples might be some people hear music and see shapes 208 00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:41.279 interesting, Some people hear a certain word and see a color. Some people 209 00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:48.639 see a color and smell something, uh huh. And some people taste something 210 00:16:48.679 --> 00:16:52.360 when they're looking at words. They're looking at words and they get a taste 211 00:16:52.440 --> 00:16:53.960 in their mouth. Isn't that interesting? You know? One of the most 212 00:16:53.960 --> 00:17:02.639 common forms of synesthesia, I'll get up is day color synesigia. Do you 213 00:17:02.720 --> 00:17:07.039 have a certain color in your mind for certain days of the week. I 214 00:17:07.079 --> 00:17:11.720 do not, But some people associate certain colors with certain days of the week, 215 00:17:11.759 --> 00:17:15.640 and this is the most common form. Some people say it certain colors 216 00:17:15.720 --> 00:17:21.240 make them more creative. Right now, let's actually look at the research. 217 00:17:21.640 --> 00:17:26.359 So I'm not saying it's all nonsense. I'm just gonna say there's a little 218 00:17:26.440 --> 00:17:30.759 something to it for some people. Okay, here's what the existing research has 219 00:17:30.839 --> 00:17:40.119 found on color. White colored pills are associated with greater pain relief. Red 220 00:17:40.200 --> 00:17:45.319 pills are associated with having greater stimulant properties. So when they give people the 221 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:48.920 sugar pills and double blind control studies for pharmaceutical companies. They know that the 222 00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:56.119 color of the pill will impact how people feel. Red causes people to react 223 00:17:56.160 --> 00:18:00.680 with greater speed and force. There's also research to show people than your dating 224 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:03.880 profiles, if you wear red, you're more likely to get uswipe right, 225 00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:11.160 just saying. They also have discovered that when athletes wear a black uniform, 226 00:18:11.599 --> 00:18:17.559 they're more likely to receive penalties huh in professional sports. Who knew? So 227 00:18:17.640 --> 00:18:19.839 I think we're on the beginning of learning about this is what I think. 228 00:18:19.880 --> 00:18:22.759 I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater, but I would be very 229 00:18:22.759 --> 00:18:26.880 careful about spending a bunch of money where somebody says I'm going to bathe you 230 00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:30.240 in light and I'm going to cure your cancer. Oh okay, no, 231 00:18:30.240 --> 00:18:33.000 no, no, go see an oncologist anyway. But I just think it's 232 00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:37.680 interesting. Some people, you know, respond well to a romatherapy, maybe 233 00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:41.319 some respond to color. Okay, do you have a friend who's going through 234 00:18:41.400 --> 00:18:45.519 divorce or a breakup or a separation in some way. I'm going to share 235 00:18:47.359 --> 00:18:52.400 some things that happened to me after I became a single mom, and I'm 236 00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:55.599 going to make sure that you don't do it to your divorcing friend. Okay, 237 00:18:56.799 --> 00:19:00.359 how to be a good supportive friend when we come back. You are 238 00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:06.200 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere 239 00:19:06.480 --> 00:19:11.400 on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 240 00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:17.480 AM six forty five Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 241 00:19:17.640 --> 00:19:22.720 This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I think it is not incorrect 242 00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:29.119 for me to say that everyone has experienced a breakup. Many of us have 243 00:19:29.240 --> 00:19:37.319 experienced divorce. It is one of life's greatest stressors and one of the biggest 244 00:19:37.400 --> 00:19:41.559 drags on our mental health. I lived with the father of my children for 245 00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:48.640 nine years. When we first separated, I noticed the world changed. I 246 00:19:48.799 --> 00:19:56.920 was not so aware that our society and culture organizes itself around couples and couplehood, 247 00:19:57.559 --> 00:20:03.039 and I didn't realize that I would be excluded. And I'm going back 248 00:20:03.079 --> 00:20:04.039 now. Let me think of another breakup. I live with a guy in 249 00:20:04.079 --> 00:20:07.480 my twenties for five years, and we had all these amazing couple friends, 250 00:20:07.519 --> 00:20:11.000 and I was equally friends with the women, and we would go out to 251 00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:15.400 lunch and stuff and then they just kind of disappeared when we broke up. 252 00:20:15.440 --> 00:20:19.039 They all went to the guy side. And then when I broke up with 253 00:20:19.079 --> 00:20:23.599 the father of my kids, I fell into this world, a very supportive 254 00:20:23.599 --> 00:20:27.240 world. Don't get me wrong of single moms. You know, there's a 255 00:20:27.279 --> 00:20:30.200 whole village out there of single moms, and we all need each other. 256 00:20:30.920 --> 00:20:36.599 We did them for play dates and childcare and all kinds of things. But 257 00:20:37.440 --> 00:20:44.039 I do remember distinctly thinking where are my married friends, Why are they not 258 00:20:44.240 --> 00:20:48.640 being more supportive? So I put together, excuse me, a handy dandy 259 00:20:48.799 --> 00:20:52.960 checklist, as I like to say, if you ever listen to blues Clues, 260 00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:59.480 a handy dandy notebook of checklist of things that we should be doing if 261 00:20:59.519 --> 00:21:03.640 a friend of ours is going through a breakup. So the first thing I 262 00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:10.279 came up with is ask them if it's okay to let other people know about 263 00:21:10.279 --> 00:21:14.200 it. You see, some people when they first start the breakup thing want 264 00:21:14.200 --> 00:21:18.079 to test it carefully, and they only tell a few friends and then maybe 265 00:21:18.079 --> 00:21:25.000 a few more. But also it's sometimes helpful if you have a friend maybe 266 00:21:25.039 --> 00:21:29.200 post on not publicly on Facebook, but if you've got a private Facebook friend 267 00:21:29.319 --> 00:21:33.000 group, just say hey, so and so is going through divorce. Make 268 00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:37.359 sure you call her up. Maybe he needs to get out more. Whatever. 269 00:21:37.480 --> 00:21:41.720 Ask your friend who's going through a breakup. Is it okay to let 270 00:21:41.759 --> 00:21:45.960 people? And how would you like me to let them know? I'll be 271 00:21:45.079 --> 00:21:51.640 your voice for you because they're going through an identity transition and people need to 272 00:21:51.680 --> 00:21:56.759 know. And you know this is the biggest one. Invite them. Invite 273 00:21:56.799 --> 00:22:00.440 them everywhere, even if it's just event that just couples and you're like, 274 00:22:00.480 --> 00:22:03.519 well, they'll just feel like a fifth wheel. They'll feel like a seventh 275 00:22:03.519 --> 00:22:07.200 wheel. I probably shouldn't invite them it's just couples. They'll make it. 276 00:22:07.240 --> 00:22:14.839 They'll feel bad. Don't assume anything about how somebody else feels. The worst 277 00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:17.160 they can do is say no, thank you. I'll pass on this one. 278 00:22:17.680 --> 00:22:22.240 But invite them because there's a lot of loneliness that happens with a breakup. 279 00:22:22.279 --> 00:22:26.200 Remember, being in a relationship is part of our whole identity, and 280 00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:29.880 when that relationship is gone, it's like we have to rebuild half of our 281 00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:33.160 mind and who we are. I want to say besides, invite them to 282 00:22:33.240 --> 00:22:38.920 all kinds of things, especially invite them to things on Sundays, even if 283 00:22:38.960 --> 00:22:42.960 you're just going to the farmer's market, going to the gym, hanging out 284 00:22:44.000 --> 00:22:48.400 with your kids in the backyard, invite them on Sundays. I cannot tell 285 00:22:48.440 --> 00:22:56.319 you how lonely I used to feel on Sundays because my mom tribe went home 286 00:22:56.359 --> 00:23:02.000 to their husbands and I was alone with my kids. So you know what 287 00:23:02.079 --> 00:23:07.079 I did, Because I'm creative, I started cooking Sunday dinners and I would 288 00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:11.680 invite all kinds of people, couples, singles, kids. I had a 289 00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:15.039 big family table and then a kid's table. And I loved cook that was 290 00:23:15.079 --> 00:23:18.640 my passion, and so I held a lot of Sunday dinners. In fact, 291 00:23:18.680 --> 00:23:22.599 recently I was going through a box of old stuff and I had a 292 00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:26.400 guest book where my daughter, okay, so she was like nine and then 293 00:23:26.440 --> 00:23:29.640 ten, eleven, twelve, she managed the guest book and she would write 294 00:23:30.039 --> 00:23:32.920 the date of the dinner, the names of all the guests, or she 295 00:23:32.920 --> 00:23:34.799 would have them sign it, and then she would write what was on the 296 00:23:34.839 --> 00:23:37.119 menu. It was so cute, and I found them like, there are 297 00:23:37.160 --> 00:23:41.599 dozens and dozens and dozens of Sunday dinners because I was like, I can't 298 00:23:41.599 --> 00:23:45.720 afford childcare. I don't want to leave my kids on Sundays. I'll just 299 00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:48.640 invite the world over. But if you have a friend who's going through a 300 00:23:48.680 --> 00:23:52.440 breakup, make sure you see them, especially on Sundays. It's a lonely 301 00:23:52.599 --> 00:23:59.079 day. Now. When it comes to talking about their ex. I know 302 00:23:59.559 --> 00:24:03.960 you want to collude with them in the hate talk, but don't for all 303 00:24:04.079 --> 00:24:08.160 kinds of reasons. One, they might get back with their X, and 304 00:24:08.200 --> 00:24:11.160 all of a sudden it'll be the two of them joining forces against you, 305 00:24:11.720 --> 00:24:17.200 right, So don't trash that X. The other thing is, when you 306 00:24:17.319 --> 00:24:23.359 trash their X, you're criticizing their choice. And if they have children with 307 00:24:23.480 --> 00:24:27.319 that X, it hurts even more. Right. I actually remember somebody said 308 00:24:27.319 --> 00:24:32.000 this one time. We'd just gone through the breakup and I was complaining about 309 00:24:32.039 --> 00:24:33.880 him whatever, and this person said, oh, and he wasn't even good 310 00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:37.799 looking. Oh my god, he wasn't even attractive. And I'm thinking, 311 00:24:37.400 --> 00:24:40.960 are you saying my kids aren't attractive? Like what the hell? Right? 312 00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:45.519 I was just like no, it didn't feel comforting, So do not trash 313 00:24:45.559 --> 00:24:48.759 the X. And above all, never say I told you so sorry, 314 00:24:48.839 --> 00:24:52.720 honey, I told you about him. I knew he'd be a problem right, 315 00:24:52.359 --> 00:24:56.599 or the guy's going, dude, we saw it coming with that one, 316 00:24:56.720 --> 00:24:59.480 right, Don't say that, don't say I told you so, Just 317 00:24:59.559 --> 00:25:03.160 be there with them. Also, this is a time where people who have 318 00:25:03.240 --> 00:25:08.880 undergone a separation or a divorce are finding themselves and they're growing. So do 319 00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:12.960 things with them that they never got to do with their ex. Right. 320 00:25:14.079 --> 00:25:18.240 Maybe it's being doing the Pacific Crest Trail. Maybe it's going to see music. 321 00:25:18.279 --> 00:25:21.480 Maybe it's I don't know, whatever it is that they couldn't do because 322 00:25:21.480 --> 00:25:26.559 their X wasn't interested in it. Help them find themselves, because that's what 323 00:25:26.759 --> 00:25:36.480 happens after a divorce is that person needs to find themselves again. And this 324 00:25:36.599 --> 00:25:42.400 goes without saying please fix them up with people, please anybody, because at 325 00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:45.680 a certain age and after divorce, the apps aren't good enough. It's so 326 00:25:45.799 --> 00:25:49.680 much better to go through a friend. So it's so funny. I was 327 00:25:49.680 --> 00:25:52.799 talking with a friend today and I was like, oh, yeah, so 328 00:25:52.880 --> 00:25:55.359 I have this new tenant. She's like you, is he single? What 329 00:25:55.400 --> 00:25:57.279 do you mean a catch like that? You got to share them? If 330 00:25:57.319 --> 00:26:00.200 not with me somebody, Right, as soon as you get like a single 331 00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:03.680 guy in your fold, when you're all coupled up, Everyone's like, oh, 332 00:26:03.759 --> 00:26:07.680 who's getting him next? Right, So do fix them up with people 333 00:26:08.119 --> 00:26:11.920 and be a good friend to them, all right. Texting seems to be 334 00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:15.559 the way I was talking to my almost twenty one year old daughter today. 335 00:26:15.599 --> 00:26:19.559 So Mom, it's old fashioned to pick up the phone. We only text. 336 00:26:19.799 --> 00:26:23.759 Well, let me tell you what I told her. Not in your 337 00:26:23.920 --> 00:26:32.440 private romantic relationship. Sometimes texting is helpful. Sometimes it's a relationship killer. 338 00:26:32.720 --> 00:26:34.519 Let's talk about which is which. When we come back. You are listening 339 00:26:34.519 --> 00:26:38.839 to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere 340 00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:45.839 on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 341 00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:49.279 AM six forty. KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with 342 00:26:49.319 --> 00:26:53.759 you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Okay, Texting, texting, 343 00:26:53.839 --> 00:26:59.000 texting, texting, I'm sick of texting. I hate texting. Plus 344 00:26:59.440 --> 00:27:03.440 it's I use the auto record and I hit that microphone button and sometimes it 345 00:27:03.519 --> 00:27:07.039 doesn't understand what I'm saying, and then I have to go back and correct. 346 00:27:07.839 --> 00:27:11.039 But I've always said that when you text with someone, it is like 347 00:27:11.240 --> 00:27:18.160 listening to your favorite band without the lead singer or the drummer. Uh huh, 348 00:27:18.200 --> 00:27:21.000 what do you got? You got no beat, you got no lyrics. 349 00:27:21.119 --> 00:27:22.559 What are you trying to figure out? You're trying to imagine? Now, 350 00:27:22.640 --> 00:27:26.359 Thank goodness, we have new texting rules, like we can use emojis 351 00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:30.279 and we can try to let people know what feelings are associated with it. 352 00:27:30.599 --> 00:27:36.519 That often when people are reading just the written word, they simply are projecting 353 00:27:36.599 --> 00:27:41.559 onto it what they imagine you meant. Because there are lots of different ways 354 00:27:41.039 --> 00:27:45.119 to say something right, and you could then sarcasm, by the way, 355 00:27:45.200 --> 00:27:51.680 never works on text. Okay, So texting can be functional when you're in 356 00:27:51.720 --> 00:27:56.200 a place like it's on the break. Just now, I was texting with 357 00:27:56.279 --> 00:27:59.960 my twenty year old daughter. I can't you know, I'm on the rate. 358 00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:03.000 I can't get on the phone and go say, you know, I 359 00:28:03.079 --> 00:28:06.319 MIC could be on who knows? Right? So when you want privacy, 360 00:28:06.599 --> 00:28:11.680 it's great. It's also great if you're just bored. You're in a meeting 361 00:28:11.720 --> 00:28:15.000 and you're bored and a quick text gives you a little hit of dopamine so 362 00:28:15.039 --> 00:28:22.640 you say something right. But it should never never be a substitute for talking 363 00:28:22.640 --> 00:28:26.559 on the phone or talking in face to face if you're in a love relationship, 364 00:28:26.759 --> 00:28:34.240 right, because text can be a terrible and it can become a barrier 365 00:28:34.720 --> 00:28:41.680 to meaningful relationships. And for some people, texting a whole lot comes from 366 00:28:41.720 --> 00:28:47.880 a place of loneliness. You know, we're experiencing a loneliness crisis in America, 367 00:28:48.519 --> 00:28:52.839 and so people text away, but it doesn't actually make them feel any 368 00:28:52.880 --> 00:28:56.440 better. All right, I'm gonna tell you a secret about me and texting. 369 00:28:56.799 --> 00:29:00.039 So I have this thing. Whenever I take off on an airplane, 370 00:29:00.440 --> 00:29:03.599 just as soon as they close the door and they say put your phones into 371 00:29:03.640 --> 00:29:08.359 airplane mode, I always send a text to both my daughters and I just 372 00:29:08.400 --> 00:29:12.400 say, hey, taken off from this airport about de Land wherever. And 373 00:29:12.440 --> 00:29:17.279 then as soon as we land, I just write back landed safely. And 374 00:29:17.359 --> 00:29:19.599 I just do this every time. I just I don't know, I'd like 375 00:29:19.640 --> 00:29:22.480 to send a text before a head in the air. All right, So 376 00:29:22.519 --> 00:29:26.319 I've gone up with a handy dandy list of dos and don'ts if you want 377 00:29:26.359 --> 00:29:33.359 to keep your relationships healthy regarding text, Okay, dues use text for its 378 00:29:33.359 --> 00:29:41.480 best purpose transfer of necessary information, addresses directions, time, the movie starts 379 00:29:41.960 --> 00:29:45.799 a screenshot of the QR code of your ticket, photos of things to buy 380 00:29:45.920 --> 00:29:48.279 when somebody's out of the store. No, this is the one I want. 381 00:29:48.359 --> 00:29:52.880 Get this one right. This is when text is at its best. 382 00:29:53.400 --> 00:29:57.680 It is efficient. You don't have to memorize anybody's address. You can scroll 383 00:29:57.720 --> 00:30:00.480 back and look in the text can say where the party is. Right. 384 00:30:03.000 --> 00:30:08.440 Another thing that can help romantic relationships. Use your text to express words of 385 00:30:08.559 --> 00:30:14.519 encouragement. If you know that your person is having a challenging day, shoot 386 00:30:14.519 --> 00:30:17.720 them a little text, Hey, I'm with you today, I'm thinking about 387 00:30:17.720 --> 00:30:22.680 you. You've got this right. And definitely use all those emoticons you know, 388 00:30:22.759 --> 00:30:27.160 scroll through, find your favorites. Your phone will memorize it. Definitely 389 00:30:27.279 --> 00:30:32.680 use them so that people can see actually what you're trying, what emotion you're 390 00:30:32.680 --> 00:30:37.440 trying to express. And do text regularly to just touch base when you can't 391 00:30:37.559 --> 00:30:42.599 see someone. So you know, when Julio and I are separated because of 392 00:30:42.640 --> 00:30:48.359 business and we're on a different time zone, we do a bunch of text 393 00:30:48.480 --> 00:30:52.039 during the day just to just we text more often when we're separated by distance 394 00:30:52.079 --> 00:30:57.880 and time zone. Okay, here's what you should not use text for if 395 00:30:57.880 --> 00:31:04.559 you're just dating, do not use text to string them along when you really 396 00:31:04.640 --> 00:31:08.119 don't want to see them, so you're just kind of sort of keeping them 397 00:31:08.160 --> 00:31:11.680 right there, you know, bread crumbing. I'll shoot them the odd text 398 00:31:11.720 --> 00:31:15.039 every once in a while, and I always have a reason why we can't 399 00:31:15.039 --> 00:31:18.640 get together in the real world. Don't do that. Just ghost them, 400 00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:21.599 or better yet, tell them I don't want to see you. Okay. 401 00:31:22.400 --> 00:31:26.319 If you're in a relationship with somebody, do not text more than you talk 402 00:31:26.359 --> 00:31:30.799 on the phone or see them in person. If text becomes the replacement for 403 00:31:30.839 --> 00:31:36.839 your communication, you're not growing intimate, you're not growing closer. Also, 404 00:31:37.319 --> 00:31:40.920 I can't believe I need to say this. Don't argue overtext. As soon 405 00:31:40.960 --> 00:31:44.640 as something becomes a little snippy, a little negative, pick up the phone 406 00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:47.000 right away and go I'm sorry, what did you say. Let's talk about 407 00:31:47.039 --> 00:31:51.319 this. Never argue over text. We have all done it. I have 408 00:31:51.400 --> 00:31:53.759 done it. This is how I learned. Never argue with a friend, 409 00:31:55.240 --> 00:32:00.839 a coworker, a lover. Don't do anything negative negative overtext. Now you're 410 00:32:00.880 --> 00:32:05.400 gonna call me really old fashioned for saying this, but don't send sexy photos. 411 00:32:05.480 --> 00:32:07.240 I know you want to you're in a new relationship. Maybe you think 412 00:32:07.279 --> 00:32:12.039 it's gonna string them along. Those photos have a digital life forever and ever 413 00:32:12.119 --> 00:32:15.000 and ever. I don't know if you've been watching any court trial that exists 414 00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:21.039 in America today, they just pull up texts and emails of everything that happened. 415 00:32:21.599 --> 00:32:24.279 So no, no, just don't send those sexy photos. Just don't 416 00:32:24.279 --> 00:32:30.920 do it, and definitely don't do it. Instead of actually seeing the person 417 00:32:31.400 --> 00:32:38.480 and getting intimate, sending sexy photos you might think spices things up, but 418 00:32:38.759 --> 00:32:45.079 research shows it doesn't does the opposite. Also, don't text too often. 419 00:32:45.680 --> 00:32:49.880 Look for reciprocity. If you do ten texts to everybody's one or two, 420 00:32:49.920 --> 00:32:53.200 you're the other person's one or two. You're texting too much. Look for 421 00:32:53.279 --> 00:32:59.160 reciprocation. Don't write long texts. Oh, I can't stand it. When 422 00:32:59.200 --> 00:33:01.720 I open a text, then it looks like an email if it can't be 423 00:33:01.880 --> 00:33:07.880 typed in three sentences or less, pick up the phone or construct a good 424 00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:13.160 email. Okay. Also, don't text it weird hours. You don't know 425 00:33:13.240 --> 00:33:16.640 somebody's phone settings. I know you had that thought at six am, but 426 00:33:16.720 --> 00:33:23.319 keep your fingers off your iPhone until a decent hour. You know if both 427 00:33:23.440 --> 00:33:30.440 partners have the same texting protocol, there's research to show they actually are a 428 00:33:30.480 --> 00:33:36.240 happier color couple. Researchers have discovered that it's not what you text, how 429 00:33:36.240 --> 00:33:42.599 you text, when you text that creates relationship satisfaction. It's your texting compatibility 430 00:33:43.000 --> 00:33:45.599 that predicts it. So if you guys text at the same rate and the 431 00:33:45.640 --> 00:33:50.480 same pace in the same way, you're probably going to find that you are 432 00:33:50.599 --> 00:33:53.119 in love. But if you're a mismatch, you're probably going to feel annoyed. 433 00:33:53.680 --> 00:33:57.480 Hey, when we come back, I am going to my social media. 434 00:33:57.519 --> 00:34:00.000 If you want to send me a DM you can. The handle every 435 00:34:00.039 --> 00:34:05.200 where is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. I know producer Kayla 436 00:34:05.200 --> 00:34:07.239 went on on the last break and got a whole bunch of questions and we'll 437 00:34:07.239 --> 00:34:12.840 be looking for more. I'm about to weigh in on your relationship life. 438 00:34:13.119 --> 00:34:15.199 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. 439 00:34:15.239 --> 00:34:22.360 We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. 440 00:34:22.440 --> 00:34:24.599 You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to 441 00:34:24.679 --> 00:34:30.079 nine pm. On Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.