This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app AFI Am six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
I want you to sit back because for the next two hours we are
going to talk about love, not just love between lovers, love between friends,
love between colleagues, hopefully not breaking any boundaries with you know, HR
departments, but also just good healthy relationships. And you know where our romantic
relationships begin. They actually begin in the earliest time of our life, in
the first few years. It is our primary relationship with our parents that become
a kind of model for love that we take into our adult romantic world.
Producer Kayla, we have you with me, of course there you are good
to see you too, Doctor Wendy. I have to tell you the cutestl
story because I say that love starts by parents having a good, solid relationship
with kids, but also teaching them emotional language. This morning, I happened
to be up at my farm and we got two new baby lambs that came
during the night. They're both black, but the mom was white. Seat
sheep are fascinating anyway. They a little three year old was staying with my
Airbnb with his parents and he I let him pick up the baby lamb and
he was holding it and being such a good little boy about it, and
then felt the hoof scratch his arm and thought the lamb was gonna hurt him,
so suddenly dropped. There's baby lamb on the ground. Luckily, when
you're three years old, it's not a far way down. And the mother
was fabulous. She said that hurt the baby lamb. I know you were
scared. I know you felt nervous, but I want you to know because
the kid's like he's gonna hurt me, He's gonna hurt me. I want
you to know the lamb did not want to hurt you, and I know
you were scared anyway, but you can't hold the lamb anymore because we don't
want that to happen again. So you see what she did there. She
identified a feeling in the victim, identified the feeling in the assailant, and
then explained the consequence, No anger, just calm, and wouldn't it be
wonderful if we all had had parents like that. Instead, we had parents
who said, go to your room, come back when you've changed your attitude,
or you're grounded for a month. But wait, what did I do?
I don't understand. And then we go out on these dates in our
adult romantic life and we accept criticism, we accept the silent treatment, because
this reflects what we might have had early in life. The good news to
everybody is that if you go to a good licensed therapist, if you have
an attachment style that's insecure, you can actually change your attachment style. So
coming up in today's show, I want to talk about a little later how
so how you can support a friend who's going through divorce, because it's very,
very common, and I cannot stand it when people use the term a
well, that relationship failed, well, that marriage sure failed, as if
duration is the only litmus test for relationship success. Actually, sometimes a short
relationship where you learned very quickly WHOA I made a bad choice, my picker
wasn't working. I got to get out of here instead of hanging in with
a bad relationship forever and ever, it's actually more success to recognize what's going
on and move along and make a better choice next time. Listen. Because
of our very long life expectancies, many many people, most people are going
to have two or three long stints of monogamy. And whenever I say that,
I get a call or a text or an email from somebody who says,
well, my spouse have been and I have been together thirty years or
forty years and we still love each other. So stop saying that, doctor
Wendy, you know what. Congratulations, this is fabulous. I'm so proud
of you. You have a secure attachment. This is great, and you're
the minority. It's called anecdotal evidence. The truth is, because of our
very long life expectancies, even the most monogamous of humans may find two or
even three long stints of monogamy in their life span at some point. So
one of the things that drives me crazy is a term that people use all
the time. I was on someone's podcast recently and I told them, you
know, I don't really believe in soulmates, and I don't know. This
was one of those Wu wu kind of hippie podcasts. She goes, well,
I do believe in soulmates, and I believe that my husband is my
soulmate. And I realized we were kind of talking about the same thing,
but she just used different language. I like science, and I believe in
the science of love. The reason why I don't like the word soulmate is
it implies like there's only one. It's like the one I met, my
one. But actually no, if you have good relationship skills, there are
many many people that you might think are soulmates out there. So let's talk
about the four signs according to me, of that, let you know that
it actually is. We'll call it true love. Okay, we'll get there.
We'll split the instead of science of love and says soulmate, we'll split
it in the middle. We'll call it true love. One is you found
your biopsychosocial connection. That means biologically, you're physically attracted to this person.
Psychologically and that means emotionally and intellectually you really feel connected. But don't forget
about the social connection, because love is social too. Having common values goals
the joining of your two social worlds. Okay, that's number one. Number
two, you guys totally inspire each other. You know, every relationship and
every friendship and every person in our life enlivens a piece of our personality,
right and if you're lucky enough to be in a relationship where the best of
you comes out. You know, heard that thing like you make me a
better man, you make me a better woman. Well you don't. The
good man is in there, the good woman's in there. But it is
enlivened when you are in that space. I should say also, not only
inspiring each other is important, but sharing what each other are into, like
we learn from each other. Like my boyfriend, I never knew anything about
Formula one. I never knew anything about some forms of politics. I never
knew what else is he really into? Oh? Classic cars? But there
I am on Sunday mornings out of classic car shows with him. There I
am up early, getting him a cup of tea while he watches Formula one
and I'm learning. It's fascinating and he's learning a lot from me. Number
three, You get really happy and excited and joyous when your partner has success,
a good, healthy, true love. There's no competition, all right,
no competition. I remember one time years ago telling a guy that I
was dating. He was in the restaurant business, and I was saying,
oh, you know, I'd like to have like a little hotel someday,
and I'd like to have like a little jazz bar that would serve a late
night supper. And he looked at me and said, how would you like
it if I said to you, I want to ankle the evening news.
I'm like, I'd say, that's cool. You want me to introduce you
to some people. But he didn't get it because he was threatened by my
desire. His low self esteem about his success or not got was triggered by
me. When you're in love, you celebrate each other's success because no matter
which partner wins, it's a win for the team. It's a good thing.
And number four, to know that you have found true love, you've
chosen to stay in love. So here's the thing. At the beginning,
you've got all those neuro hormones helping you out the lust phase, the passion
phase. You want to be with them all the time. They smell so
delicious, everything about them is perfect, and after a while you see the
truth. But your relationship continues to grow and your hormones aren't the driver anymore.
Your big fat brain is. You get to make a choice. You
get to actively choose to love your partner, and that takes a little bit
of work, but not really. You know, my favorite trick when it
comes to staying in love is to spend every day catching them being good like
you would with a child, instead of nagging them about what they haven't done.
What have you done for me lately? How about spending some time saying,
I'm going to notice and I'm going to express gratitude. And when you
do that, you're actually reminding your own brain of why you're there. Love
is something that is shaped. I like to say love is a verb.
It's an action word, and it is the word to give. It's not
something that happens, it's something that's created. Now, it's wonderful if you
can start out with a connection with somebody because you've got a biological, a
psychological and a social match. But after that that's gonna all calm down and
you need to do the work of love, all right when we come back.
Someone recently said to me, you know, I think I'm going to
go for color therapy, And I'm thinking, is that like Merril Norman and
they do your colors and you're going to get your hair colored. No,
no, no, it's a mental health thing. They put colors in front
of your eyes and it changes your mood, and all of a sudden,
I was reminded that we live in California and there's all kinds of stuff out
there. So I did a deep dive on the research, and actually,
color therapy is a thing, and it's used in some areas, and there's
lots that's interesting about it, and lots I totally disagree with. Let me
explain when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show
on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty AFI Am six
forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show. Let's talk about color. First of all, I have always
felt that, just for me, that the color of a room causes me
to feel a certain way. And when I say the color of a room,
I know there are artists out there, I know there are decorators.
I know there are creative people who love brightly colored rooms. I do not.
I am one of those people who has always wanted muted colors or indeed,
white, white, white, white white. I have white floors,
I have white walls, I have white bedding, I have white so white,
and for some reason, I feel calm when I'm in all white,
all white room. So I thought there's got to be something to this color
therapy we're talking about. By the way, I just want to add one
other new color in the last couple years, and this is green. And
I don't mean decorator green. I mean the color of nature. Now,
I have trouble being in a room where if I look out the window,
I see a city scape instead of green. I just love lush. I
love the spring when the greens are almost neon green. I love the fall
when the greens get more muted and add those oranges and rusts. I'm fine
with it. If it's nature green, I'm good. Yeah. On the
fall they go kind of safe. My greens go sage and eucalyptus looking anyway.
That makes me happy. In fact, my wedd and colors are white,
green, white green. Those are my colors. So someone recently told
me that there's this thing called color therapy, and it supposedly uses the color
the power. If there is such a thing of color to help support mental
or emotional or even physical well being, and so unlike, you know,
going to remember back of the day, you could go and get your colors
done at like Merril Norman one of those places, and they tell you,
oh, if you're a redhead, don't wear pink, and like, yeah,
we get that. I always thought it was kind of silly, but
a lot of people did it. Maybe they don't know how to dress themselves.
I don't know. Some people call color therapy colorology. See they give
it a fancy name too. Apparently in the California world of holistic and alternative
medicine, they say, if you do colorology red. The color red is
used to stimulate your body and mind and increase circulation. The color yellow is
thought to stimulate the nerves and purify your body. Orange is used to heal
the lungs and increase your energy levels. Blue is believed to soothe illnesses and
treat pain. Indigo are thought to be good for skin problems. Okay,
let's just pause here. Color therapy is considered pseudoscience and even quackery. And
here's why. There's a limited science backed research on this kind of color therapy.
But having said that, humans have tried for a very long time to
make these associations between color and as I told you, I do feel differ
in a room with muted colors. I know I do. And when I'm
in a busy room with lots of patterns and bright colors, I feel like
my brain is I don't know, it's congested, there's too much going on.
So there is research to show that color and light therapy was once practiced
in Egypt, Greece, China, and India back in ancient times. So
it made me start to think maybe this color therapy is kind of like aroma
therapy. Now here's the thing about aroma therapy. It works for some people
and not for others. There are some people who can feel stressed or have
a headache and they can start breathing eucalyptus or lavender, and the next thing
you know, they're in lalla land. It feels so good, and other
people are like, what, it's just a smell. I don't know what
you're talking about. So I had this thought that maybe people who react well
to so called color therapy actually have color synathesia. Here's what synethesia is.
It's a phenomenon that causes crossovers in our sensory perception. So in other words,
there's some people out there who can look at a color and get a
taste in their mouth. Some people hear something and feel literally feel it in
their body. Well, music often does that with the vibrations, right.
Some people describe synethesia as having your wires crossed because it activates two or more
senses at the same time. So it's not a disease. It's not a
medical medical condition. However, it is often associated with autism. Not for
everybody, but it's often a symptom of autism. It's a condition really where
one sense is experienced at the same time as another, is kind of a
criss cross and as usually you're born that way. That's where it's estimated that
about four percent of the population have some form of synesesia. I remember years
ago on a date with a big composer, a musician guy, and I
said, let'll just ask him his process, you know, And he said,
and he writes songs for a lot of big stars. And he said,
I meet them and I see them, and I just get a feeling
and the notes just show up. I see the music around their face and
around their head. I can see it, So he had a visual synesthesia,
right. Some other examples might be some people hear music and see shapes
interesting, Some people hear a certain word and see a color. Some people
see a color and smell something, uh huh. And some people taste something
when they're looking at words. They're looking at words and they get a taste
in their mouth. Isn't that interesting? You know? One of the most
common forms of synesthesia, I'll get up is day color synesigia. Do you
have a certain color in your mind for certain days of the week. I
do not, But some people associate certain colors with certain days of the week,
and this is the most common form. Some people say it certain colors
make them more creative. Right now, let's actually look at the research.
So I'm not saying it's all nonsense. I'm just gonna say there's a little
something to it for some people. Okay, here's what the existing research has
found on color. White colored pills are associated with greater pain relief. Red
pills are associated with having greater stimulant properties. So when they give people the
sugar pills and double blind control studies for pharmaceutical companies. They know that the
color of the pill will impact how people feel. Red causes people to react
with greater speed and force. There's also research to show people than your dating
profiles, if you wear red, you're more likely to get uswipe right,
just saying. They also have discovered that when athletes wear a black uniform,
they're more likely to receive penalties huh in professional sports. Who knew? So
I think we're on the beginning of learning about this is what I think.
I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater, but I would be very
careful about spending a bunch of money where somebody says I'm going to bathe you
in light and I'm going to cure your cancer. Oh okay, no,
no, no, go see an oncologist anyway. But I just think it's
interesting. Some people, you know, respond well to a romatherapy, maybe
some respond to color. Okay, do you have a friend who's going through
divorce or a breakup or a separation in some way. I'm going to share
some things that happened to me after I became a single mom, and I'm
going to make sure that you don't do it to your divorcing friend. Okay,
how to be a good supportive friend when we come back. You are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty five Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I think it is not incorrect
for me to say that everyone has experienced a breakup. Many of us have
experienced divorce. It is one of life's greatest stressors and one of the biggest
drags on our mental health. I lived with the father of my children for
nine years. When we first separated, I noticed the world changed. I
was not so aware that our society and culture organizes itself around couples and couplehood,
and I didn't realize that I would be excluded. And I'm going back
now. Let me think of another breakup. I live with a guy in
my twenties for five years, and we had all these amazing couple friends,
and I was equally friends with the women, and we would go out to
lunch and stuff and then they just kind of disappeared when we broke up.
They all went to the guy side. And then when I broke up with
the father of my kids, I fell into this world, a very supportive
world. Don't get me wrong of single moms. You know, there's a
whole village out there of single moms, and we all need each other.
We did them for play dates and childcare and all kinds of things. But
I do remember distinctly thinking where are my married friends, Why are they not
being more supportive? So I put together, excuse me, a handy dandy
checklist, as I like to say, if you ever listen to blues Clues,
a handy dandy notebook of checklist of things that we should be doing if
a friend of ours is going through a breakup. So the first thing I
came up with is ask them if it's okay to let other people know about
it. You see, some people when they first start the breakup thing want
to test it carefully, and they only tell a few friends and then maybe
a few more. But also it's sometimes helpful if you have a friend maybe
post on not publicly on Facebook, but if you've got a private Facebook friend
group, just say hey, so and so is going through divorce. Make
sure you call her up. Maybe he needs to get out more. Whatever.
Ask your friend who's going through a breakup. Is it okay to let
people? And how would you like me to let them know? I'll be
your voice for you because they're going through an identity transition and people need to
know. And you know this is the biggest one. Invite them. Invite
them everywhere, even if it's just event that just couples and you're like,
well, they'll just feel like a fifth wheel. They'll feel like a seventh
wheel. I probably shouldn't invite them it's just couples. They'll make it.
They'll feel bad. Don't assume anything about how somebody else feels. The worst
they can do is say no, thank you. I'll pass on this one.
But invite them because there's a lot of loneliness that happens with a breakup.
Remember, being in a relationship is part of our whole identity, and
when that relationship is gone, it's like we have to rebuild half of our
mind and who we are. I want to say besides, invite them to
all kinds of things, especially invite them to things on Sundays, even if
you're just going to the farmer's market, going to the gym, hanging out
with your kids in the backyard, invite them on Sundays. I cannot tell
you how lonely I used to feel on Sundays because my mom tribe went home
to their husbands and I was alone with my kids. So you know what
I did, Because I'm creative, I started cooking Sunday dinners and I would
invite all kinds of people, couples, singles, kids. I had a
big family table and then a kid's table. And I loved cook that was
my passion, and so I held a lot of Sunday dinners. In fact,
recently I was going through a box of old stuff and I had a
guest book where my daughter, okay, so she was like nine and then
ten, eleven, twelve, she managed the guest book and she would write
the date of the dinner, the names of all the guests, or she
would have them sign it, and then she would write what was on the
menu. It was so cute, and I found them like, there are
dozens and dozens and dozens of Sunday dinners because I was like, I can't
afford childcare. I don't want to leave my kids on Sundays. I'll just
invite the world over. But if you have a friend who's going through a
breakup, make sure you see them, especially on Sundays. It's a lonely
day. Now. When it comes to talking about their ex. I know
you want to collude with them in the hate talk, but don't for all
kinds of reasons. One, they might get back with their X, and
all of a sudden it'll be the two of them joining forces against you,
right, So don't trash that X. The other thing is, when you
trash their X, you're criticizing their choice. And if they have children with
that X, it hurts even more. Right. I actually remember somebody said
this one time. We'd just gone through the breakup and I was complaining about
him whatever, and this person said, oh, and he wasn't even good
looking. Oh my god, he wasn't even attractive. And I'm thinking,
are you saying my kids aren't attractive? Like what the hell? Right?
I was just like no, it didn't feel comforting, So do not trash
the X. And above all, never say I told you so sorry,
honey, I told you about him. I knew he'd be a problem right,
or the guy's going, dude, we saw it coming with that one,
right, Don't say that, don't say I told you so, Just
be there with them. Also, this is a time where people who have
undergone a separation or a divorce are finding themselves and they're growing. So do
things with them that they never got to do with their ex. Right.
Maybe it's being doing the Pacific Crest Trail. Maybe it's going to see music.
Maybe it's I don't know, whatever it is that they couldn't do because
their X wasn't interested in it. Help them find themselves, because that's what
happens after a divorce is that person needs to find themselves again. And this
goes without saying please fix them up with people, please anybody, because at
a certain age and after divorce, the apps aren't good enough. It's so
much better to go through a friend. So it's so funny. I was
talking with a friend today and I was like, oh, yeah, so
I have this new tenant. She's like you, is he single? What
do you mean a catch like that? You got to share them? If
not with me somebody, Right, as soon as you get like a single
guy in your fold, when you're all coupled up, Everyone's like, oh,
who's getting him next? Right, So do fix them up with people
and be a good friend to them, all right. Texting seems to be
the way I was talking to my almost twenty one year old daughter today.
So Mom, it's old fashioned to pick up the phone. We only text.
Well, let me tell you what I told her. Not in your
private romantic relationship. Sometimes texting is helpful. Sometimes it's a relationship killer.
Let's talk about which is which. When we come back. You are listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty. KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with
you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Okay, Texting, texting,
texting, texting, I'm sick of texting. I hate texting. Plus
it's I use the auto record and I hit that microphone button and sometimes it
doesn't understand what I'm saying, and then I have to go back and correct.
But I've always said that when you text with someone, it is like
listening to your favorite band without the lead singer or the drummer. Uh huh,
what do you got? You got no beat, you got no lyrics.
What are you trying to figure out? You're trying to imagine? Now,
Thank goodness, we have new texting rules, like we can use emojis
and we can try to let people know what feelings are associated with it.
That often when people are reading just the written word, they simply are projecting
onto it what they imagine you meant. Because there are lots of different ways
to say something right, and you could then sarcasm, by the way,
never works on text. Okay, So texting can be functional when you're in
a place like it's on the break. Just now, I was texting with
my twenty year old daughter. I can't you know, I'm on the rate.
I can't get on the phone and go say, you know, I
MIC could be on who knows? Right? So when you want privacy,
it's great. It's also great if you're just bored. You're in a meeting
and you're bored and a quick text gives you a little hit of dopamine so
you say something right. But it should never never be a substitute for talking
on the phone or talking in face to face if you're in a love relationship,
right, because text can be a terrible and it can become a barrier
to meaningful relationships. And for some people, texting a whole lot comes from
a place of loneliness. You know, we're experiencing a loneliness crisis in America,
and so people text away, but it doesn't actually make them feel any
better. All right, I'm gonna tell you a secret about me and texting.
So I have this thing. Whenever I take off on an airplane,
just as soon as they close the door and they say put your phones into
airplane mode, I always send a text to both my daughters and I just
say, hey, taken off from this airport about de Land wherever. And
then as soon as we land, I just write back landed safely. And
I just do this every time. I just I don't know, I'd like
to send a text before a head in the air. All right, So
I've gone up with a handy dandy list of dos and don'ts if you want
to keep your relationships healthy regarding text, Okay, dues use text for its
best purpose transfer of necessary information, addresses directions, time, the movie starts
a screenshot of the QR code of your ticket, photos of things to buy
when somebody's out of the store. No, this is the one I want.
Get this one right. This is when text is at its best.
It is efficient. You don't have to memorize anybody's address. You can scroll
back and look in the text can say where the party is. Right.
Another thing that can help romantic relationships. Use your text to express words of
encouragement. If you know that your person is having a challenging day, shoot
them a little text, Hey, I'm with you today, I'm thinking about
you. You've got this right. And definitely use all those emoticons you know,
scroll through, find your favorites. Your phone will memorize it. Definitely
use them so that people can see actually what you're trying, what emotion you're
trying to express. And do text regularly to just touch base when you can't
see someone. So you know, when Julio and I are separated because of
business and we're on a different time zone, we do a bunch of text
during the day just to just we text more often when we're separated by distance
and time zone. Okay, here's what you should not use text for if
you're just dating, do not use text to string them along when you really
don't want to see them, so you're just kind of sort of keeping them
right there, you know, bread crumbing. I'll shoot them the odd text
every once in a while, and I always have a reason why we can't
get together in the real world. Don't do that. Just ghost them,
or better yet, tell them I don't want to see you. Okay.
If you're in a relationship with somebody, do not text more than you talk
on the phone or see them in person. If text becomes the replacement for
your communication, you're not growing intimate, you're not growing closer. Also,
I can't believe I need to say this. Don't argue overtext. As soon
as something becomes a little snippy, a little negative, pick up the phone
right away and go I'm sorry, what did you say. Let's talk about
this. Never argue over text. We have all done it. I have
done it. This is how I learned. Never argue with a friend,
a coworker, a lover. Don't do anything negative negative overtext. Now you're
gonna call me really old fashioned for saying this, but don't send sexy photos.
I know you want to you're in a new relationship. Maybe you think
it's gonna string them along. Those photos have a digital life forever and ever
and ever. I don't know if you've been watching any court trial that exists
in America today, they just pull up texts and emails of everything that happened.
So no, no, just don't send those sexy photos. Just don't
do it, and definitely don't do it. Instead of actually seeing the person
and getting intimate, sending sexy photos you might think spices things up, but
research shows it doesn't does the opposite. Also, don't text too often.
Look for reciprocity. If you do ten texts to everybody's one or two,
you're the other person's one or two. You're texting too much. Look for
reciprocation. Don't write long texts. Oh, I can't stand it. When
I open a text, then it looks like an email if it can't be
typed in three sentences or less, pick up the phone or construct a good
email. Okay. Also, don't text it weird hours. You don't know
somebody's phone settings. I know you had that thought at six am, but
keep your fingers off your iPhone until a decent hour. You know if both
partners have the same texting protocol, there's research to show they actually are a
happier color couple. Researchers have discovered that it's not what you text, how
you text, when you text that creates relationship satisfaction. It's your texting compatibility
that predicts it. So if you guys text at the same rate and the
same pace in the same way, you're probably going to find that you are
in love. But if you're a mismatch, you're probably going to feel annoyed.
Hey, when we come back, I am going to my social media.
If you want to send me a DM you can. The handle every
where is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. I know producer Kayla
went on on the last break and got a whole bunch of questions and we'll
be looking for more. I'm about to weigh in on your relationship life.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty.
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm. On Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.