WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:04.559 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor 2 00:00:04.599 --> 00:00:09.400 Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. It is Super Bowl Sunday. 3 00:00:09.839 --> 00:00:13.080 The game is on. Producer Kayla, are you watching it at all? 4 00:00:13.199 --> 00:00:17.519 Apparently it's tied right now and about to go into ot as the football 5 00:00:17.559 --> 00:00:20.480 people say, oh, t that means overtime. Indeed, you know, 6 00:00:20.559 --> 00:00:23.640 I was watching it earlier with Julio or I mean, I was watching the 7 00:00:23.640 --> 00:00:26.320 commercials, and then when the game would be on, I would look down 8 00:00:26.359 --> 00:00:28.839 at my phone because I don't know how to watch it. I don't understand 9 00:00:28.839 --> 00:00:32.039 the men scrambling around with the whites and the reds and whatever. But I 10 00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:35.399 learned something interesting. I would say, are they supposed to get the ball 11 00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:38.439 across that blue line? And he'd said, well, no, yes, 12 00:00:38.520 --> 00:00:41.000 but they have to get it to that orange line, and then the line 13 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:43.280 would disappear, and I'd be like, where'd the line go? And he 14 00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:45.200 goes, oh, no, they just super impose that on the screen. 15 00:00:45.280 --> 00:00:48.560 I go, wait, it's an imaginary game. The guys run around and 16 00:00:48.560 --> 00:00:50.960 imagine where the lines are, and he goes, yeah, but they know 17 00:00:51.079 --> 00:00:53.799 where the lines are. I'm like, what kind of game is this where 18 00:00:53.799 --> 00:00:59.159 they just have to the imaginary lines? And I believe mark the first in 19 00:00:59.200 --> 00:01:00.799 the first, second, third, fourth down, So wherever they fell that 20 00:01:00.920 --> 00:01:04.799 they put an imaginary line there so the viewers can know where the game starts 21 00:01:04.840 --> 00:01:08.359 again. I just learned something magical. I heard the word first down, 22 00:01:08.400 --> 00:01:12.560 second down, third down. I never I thought it meant like tries or 23 00:01:14.120 --> 00:01:19.560 goes. It's called because the guy falls down its tackled. I didn't know 24 00:01:19.640 --> 00:01:23.000 that that's why they start again where the other guy falls in his butt, 25 00:01:23.040 --> 00:01:26.280 and then the new one start exactly. I bet Taylor Swift knows more about 26 00:01:26.280 --> 00:01:27.719 football than I do. Well, she'd better she has for sure. Yeah 27 00:01:27.719 --> 00:01:30.680 that's what her mean talk about. Let me tell you, I dated football 28 00:01:30.680 --> 00:01:34.799 players back in the day and they would draw those XO patterns on the paper 29 00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:38.319 for me and show me all the plays and I still didn't get it. 30 00:01:38.840 --> 00:01:42.359 So I don't get it, but I like the commercials. My favorite favorite 31 00:01:42.400 --> 00:01:49.319 one so far was the one for Mayonnaise with Kristin Wig and Pete Davidson with 32 00:01:49.560 --> 00:01:53.719 her little cat becomes so famous because she thinks the cat knows how to read 33 00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:57.159 recipes, but really she's just saying mayonnaise or something. Becomes so famous that 34 00:01:57.239 --> 00:02:00.840 Pete Davison dates her and is on a red rpet with her. I love 35 00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:06.480 that Davidson has a new famous pussy. Do you say that? That's what 36 00:02:06.599 --> 00:02:08.039 he did? It was that little kitty cat pussy. Oh my god, 37 00:02:08.080 --> 00:02:12.439 he said it twice. That's what you call a pussy. Oh my god, 38 00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:17.199 it's a cat, a cat. As did you see Beyonce? She 39 00:02:17.240 --> 00:02:21.360 was trying to break Verizon because she breaks the Internet and breaks the records, 40 00:02:21.360 --> 00:02:23.759 and she was trying to break Verizon. But Verizon so unbreakable that Beyonce's trying 41 00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:28.960 all these things like taiping. It was really cute and also just side note, 42 00:02:29.120 --> 00:02:31.639 Usher was my favorite player of his performance was amazing. Yeah, it 43 00:02:31.680 --> 00:02:36.240 was pretty amazing. All right, So I want to talk about a couple 44 00:02:36.280 --> 00:02:44.039 of things here. I want to talk today about should a parent go to 45 00:02:44.199 --> 00:02:47.479 jail because they didn't get mental health services for their kid? You know what 46 00:02:47.520 --> 00:02:53.400 I'm talking about? That woman in was it Michigan? Minnesota, Michigan. 47 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:57.960 And I'm going to talk about relationships a little bit like how emotionally available you 48 00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:01.879 are or not? And and later in the show, we got a special 49 00:03:01.919 --> 00:03:07.400 guest, a woman whose own journey using I don't recommend this for people. 50 00:03:07.439 --> 00:03:15.479 I'm just saying she used these ayahuasca and psychedelic drugs to gain access to trauma 51 00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:17.879 in her childhood. It's a very fascinating story. So I've got her a 52 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:21.599 little later in the show. But first, I'm not watching the clock, 53 00:03:21.639 --> 00:03:23.280 Kayla. Where are we at? I want to get into it. So 54 00:03:24.840 --> 00:03:30.080 in the last two weeks I went through some weird physically. You know, 55 00:03:30.159 --> 00:03:37.159 sometimes physical problems happened, like in clumps. So just before Christmas, I 56 00:03:37.199 --> 00:03:40.400 was climbing a fence with Julia. We climbed a chain link fence. It 57 00:03:40.439 --> 00:03:44.159 was like seven feet tall because we were out hiking and we came up on 58 00:03:44.199 --> 00:03:46.960 a fence and he said, we can go around the fence, but it's 59 00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:49.919 probably another half mile up and around, and I'm like, no, we're 60 00:03:49.960 --> 00:03:52.719 just climbing, honey, I'll be fine. And as I was jumping down 61 00:03:52.759 --> 00:03:55.479 the other side, I clung with my little claws to the chain link and 62 00:03:55.520 --> 00:03:59.479 somehow when I jumped hard, I twisted my shoulder in some weird way. 63 00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:02.879 My shoulder's been like I can unload the dishwasher. I can't do my ploates 64 00:04:02.960 --> 00:04:08.639 is driving me crazy. And then I take a flip and wipeout in my 65 00:04:08.759 --> 00:04:14.000 kitchen. Honestly, I was sitting in my computer. Apparently my foot was 66 00:04:14.039 --> 00:04:16.399 asleep, but I didn't know. I stood up. The whole thing flipped 67 00:04:16.399 --> 00:04:19.560 beneath me and tore all the muscles on the top of my foot. I 68 00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:24.199 mean, I crawled to Urgent Care. Got they didn't X ray, Nope, 69 00:04:24.279 --> 00:04:27.160 not broken. Got the boot and the crutches, and oh my goodness, 70 00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:29.439 my favorite part is you were home alone, Jesse, yelling and just 71 00:04:29.600 --> 00:04:32.079 like that. That's just like that. Craziest thing is that's what came out 72 00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:35.439 of my mouth. And just like that, and just like that, because 73 00:04:35.439 --> 00:04:38.879 I thought my foot was broken, I heard like a pop. Apparently you 74 00:04:38.879 --> 00:04:43.079 hear pop when a muscle pulls to such a random response. Just like that, 75 00:04:43.519 --> 00:04:46.920 my world it changes, right. And then this week I have a 76 00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:49.160 very minor cold. Okay, it's minor, hear me. It's a little 77 00:04:49.199 --> 00:04:53.040 sniffle. I got a little cold. It's just like right there where your 78 00:04:53.079 --> 00:04:56.160 throat connect to your nose, a little post nasal drip enough to keep you 79 00:04:56.240 --> 00:04:58.519 up coffin at night. But I don't feel bad. I'm just got this 80 00:04:58.600 --> 00:05:02.680 ale issue. So it's put me in a funk because I haven't been able 81 00:05:02.680 --> 00:05:05.560 to go to the gym because I have to put on the boot if I 82 00:05:05.600 --> 00:05:09.680 have to walk along across campus where I teach. I teach a cal State 83 00:05:09.720 --> 00:05:15.279 Channel islands in case you don't know, And so I decided to I literally 84 00:05:15.360 --> 00:05:18.759 thought that I did. Elizabeth Koobler Ross's dabda. Do you know what that 85 00:05:18.839 --> 00:05:21.560 is? Dabda? She's the one who sat beside the deathbed of thousands of 86 00:05:21.560 --> 00:05:26.000 people are dying, and she said, we all go through this denial, 87 00:05:26.519 --> 00:05:31.560 anger, bartering, depression, and acceptance, and that applies to any kind 88 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:34.680 of loss we have in our life. Right, And I really feel like 89 00:05:34.759 --> 00:05:39.120 I went through these stages. Like first I was literally like I'm fine, 90 00:05:39.240 --> 00:05:42.759 I'm gonna take advilla and just walk my foot. And then foot got worse, 91 00:05:42.800 --> 00:05:45.639 of course, denial, right, and then anger, I'm so man, 92 00:05:45.639 --> 00:05:46.839 I can't go to the gym. This is terrible, right, and 93 00:05:46.879 --> 00:05:50.759 then bartering, Okay, God, listen, if you just make my foot 94 00:05:50.759 --> 00:05:55.040 better and my shoulder, then I'm going to be a really good person, 95 00:05:55.199 --> 00:05:59.279 right, barter somehow finally I was in a funk. I was fully depressed. 96 00:05:59.600 --> 00:06:01.600 The rain was happening too. It was a bad thing. And now 97 00:06:01.639 --> 00:06:05.560 I've just accepted. You know, sometimes a bunch of little physical ailments come 98 00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:10.959 in a clump and they will pass. We will get better, right. 99 00:06:11.439 --> 00:06:15.839 But it made me do a little googling and ask the question, what what 100 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:21.680 psychology says about how we can cope when we have a physical diagnosis. I 101 00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:25.600 did a few of these things. Not all one is connect with others. 102 00:06:26.240 --> 00:06:29.000 I was in a funk because I wasn't talking to my friends. You got 103 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:31.720 to reach out and get on the phone with your girlfriends, your guy friends. 104 00:06:31.759 --> 00:06:34.319 You got to talk to people, all right. And when I finally 105 00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:36.839 called a girlfriend up and I said, I'm in such a funk, I'm 106 00:06:36.839 --> 00:06:40.600 mad at my foot on my shoulder and I want to do blodies and I 107 00:06:40.639 --> 00:06:43.160 can and she's like, oh, I've so been there. When I put 108 00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:46.199 out my back it was terrible, And so we bonded over that you can 109 00:06:46.240 --> 00:06:49.439 also call your therapist. I did. We had a lovely little conversation. 110 00:06:50.839 --> 00:06:54.720 Here's the important thing. Though. You can do a deep dive on the 111 00:06:54.720 --> 00:06:59.519 internet, WebMD and the sorts, but if you get too much information, 112 00:07:00.040 --> 00:07:03.839 you're going to find yourself ruminating. Like I was literally going which statins cause 113 00:07:03.959 --> 00:07:08.279 muscle weakness? Do I need to get off that statin? Do I need 114 00:07:08.279 --> 00:07:11.800 to get one? Which is the least amount? Right? Before you know 115 00:07:11.879 --> 00:07:17.399 it, you've worked yourself into anxiety and uncertainty. So get some information and 116 00:07:17.480 --> 00:07:21.839 trust your doctors more than the internet. That's really really important. Communicate what 117 00:07:21.959 --> 00:07:26.360 I got started to get out of my funk. I called my doctor a 118 00:07:26.439 --> 00:07:30.040 surprise surprise, and we had a nice little telemedicine appointment. Of course, 119 00:07:30.439 --> 00:07:32.040 she says, you have to do everything in order. We've had the X 120 00:07:32.120 --> 00:07:35.319 ray. Now she wants an MRI. You can't write a script for physical 121 00:07:35.360 --> 00:07:39.920 therapy. Do we do the She just follows the book, which is what 122 00:07:39.920 --> 00:07:42.639 a good doctor does. They follow the book. You got to go into 123 00:07:42.720 --> 00:07:48.279 order. Also practice some mindfulness, some meditation, some yoga. I've been 124 00:07:48.360 --> 00:07:54.639 using this little neuro transmitter thing. It's not a it's a vibrator, not 125 00:07:54.720 --> 00:07:57.399 that kind of vibraty. It's a thing that just calms me down. It's 126 00:07:57.439 --> 00:07:59.800 like an ankle bracelet. I'll tell you about it later. You'll hear about 127 00:07:59.800 --> 00:08:07.360 it, all right, And I also followed very closely the trial of Jennifer 128 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:13.759 Crumbly. If you don't know who Jennifer Crumbly is, she is the mother 129 00:08:13.279 --> 00:08:20.120 of Ethan Crumbly, the fifteen year old boy who killed four people at his 130 00:08:20.199 --> 00:08:26.240 high school in twenty twenty one in a town in Michigan outside of Detroit Oxford 131 00:08:26.319 --> 00:08:35.200 High School. And the mom was on trial for manslaughter because for all kinds 132 00:08:35.240 --> 00:08:37.240 of reasons, I want to talk and I want to talk about do you 133 00:08:37.279 --> 00:08:41.600 think parents should be put on trial for what their kids do? You're listening 134 00:08:41.639 --> 00:08:50.000 to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty Michigan jury convicted a 135 00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:56.600 school shooter's mother of involuntary manslaughter. That was on Tuesday. Her son killed 136 00:08:56.639 --> 00:09:01.080 four students back in twenty twenty one. His name was Ethan Crumbly. Her 137 00:09:01.159 --> 00:09:03.960 name Jennifer Crumbly. By the way, the husband, people keep saying, 138 00:09:03.960 --> 00:09:05.639 what about the dad, What about that dad. He's going to stand trial 139 00:09:05.840 --> 00:09:11.440 in March, and now that the mom has been convicted of manslaughter. Hmmm, 140 00:09:11.799 --> 00:09:15.120 I'm pretty sure he's going to try to negotiate a plea deal real fast. 141 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:16.080 It's not going to look good for him. Apparently he was the one 142 00:09:16.120 --> 00:09:22.320 who actually bought the child the gun. This is an interesting trial for me 143 00:09:22.759 --> 00:09:28.039 because it really we know that our mental health and the outcome of our mental 144 00:09:28.039 --> 00:09:33.720 health is partly nature and partly nurture. In other words, there are good 145 00:09:33.799 --> 00:09:39.679 families who come out of that family a serial killer, right because of there's 146 00:09:39.679 --> 00:09:43.480 something genetic that happened, there's something chemical that happened. And then there are 147 00:09:43.480 --> 00:09:48.679 families, when looked at in a courtroom, that seem to have practiced such 148 00:09:48.799 --> 00:09:54.559 neglect and such ignoring of the pleas of their child for help. And in 149 00:09:54.600 --> 00:09:58.120 this case, and by the way, the kid has already been convicted for 150 00:09:58.200 --> 00:10:03.080 life in prison. So I read somewhere that he's only fifteen, but four 151 00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:07.799 children died, so let's not forget that. But I think there's something if 152 00:10:07.799 --> 00:10:13.080 you're a minor in Michigan you can't do. You only have to serve fifteen 153 00:10:13.120 --> 00:10:15.919 years of it or something. I don't know, something like that. But 154 00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:18.440 let's talk about the evidence that this jury convicted this mother on. They had 155 00:10:18.559 --> 00:10:24.639 text messages from Ethan to his mom dating all the way back to twenty sixteen. 156 00:10:26.039 --> 00:10:28.519 That's seven years ago. So the kid was like eight years old. 157 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:33.000 Is that right? That has my math? Okay? Eight years old. 158 00:10:33.480 --> 00:10:37.120 He was left alone a lot. He was always texting about when you're coming 159 00:10:37.120 --> 00:10:39.919 home. I'm scared. I don't want to be home alone. I'm scared, 160 00:10:41.519 --> 00:10:46.240 and she either would not respond or just say it's okay, or I'm 161 00:10:46.279 --> 00:10:52.679 out celebrating with the ski patrol. In fact, several months before the shooting, 162 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:56.080 he texted his mother that he was scared at home alone. He was 163 00:10:56.120 --> 00:11:00.480 hearing the toilet flush, doors slam, he saw a light turn on, 164 00:11:00.600 --> 00:11:05.000 and clothes flying off the shelf. He was the only one in the house. 165 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:09.559 He told his mother that their home was haunted and there were demons in 166 00:11:09.559 --> 00:11:13.639 the house. She texted back, or she actually told the jury this was 167 00:11:13.679 --> 00:11:16.200 a running joke in the family. They used to say the house was haunted. 168 00:11:16.200 --> 00:11:22.240 It was just a funny joke. There were also text messages that he 169 00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:26.080 sent to a friend, many text messages where he talked about seeing ghosts and 170 00:11:26.200 --> 00:11:35.120 other hallucinations. He demonstrated paranoia, feelings of hopelessness, and he said to 171 00:11:35.159 --> 00:11:39.919 his friend that his parents would not get him mental health help. Quote from 172 00:11:39.960 --> 00:11:43.440 a text, I asked my dad to take me to a doctor, but 173 00:11:43.519 --> 00:11:46.519 he gave me some pills and told me to suck it up. My mom 174 00:11:46.639 --> 00:11:52.240 laughed when I told her now. He also left a journal that contained a 175 00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:56.440 very detailed plan about how he's going to cause bloodshed. There were drawings of 176 00:11:56.480 --> 00:12:01.360 guns, please for help regarding his mental health, saying my parents won't listen 177 00:12:01.399 --> 00:12:05.120 to me. They won't help or get me a therapist. Mom's defense was, 178 00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:09.320 I never saw this journal that was in his room. I didn't know 179 00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:13.320 about that then they had for me. The highlight of the trial is apparently 180 00:12:13.320 --> 00:12:15.639 she was really big. The mom was really big into her horses and was 181 00:12:15.639 --> 00:12:18.360 spending like some of like five to ten thousand dollars a month taking care of 182 00:12:18.440 --> 00:12:20.799 these fancy horses. And so the horse lady, the horse border lady was 183 00:12:20.840 --> 00:12:24.480 a witness, and the horse trainer lady said that she always referred to her 184 00:12:24.480 --> 00:12:33.720 son as the oopsie baby. So a few weeks before the rampage, they 185 00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:39.559 bought him a gun as an early Christmas present, and the mom took him 186 00:12:39.559 --> 00:12:45.600 to a shooting range just a few days before. But her claim there was, 187 00:12:45.679 --> 00:12:48.639 well, you know, my husband was more familiar with firearms, and 188 00:12:48.679 --> 00:12:54.600 he's the one responsible for storing that gun. You know when you first hear 189 00:12:54.600 --> 00:13:01.440 parents convicted of manslaughter for a crime their kid did, and you think about 190 00:13:01.440 --> 00:13:07.320 those families that are relatively functional, good parents who raise serial killers because of 191 00:13:07.799 --> 00:13:13.320 you know, bad genes. But then you have this trail. Now you 192 00:13:13.399 --> 00:13:18.240 see the neglect, you hear about the neglect. And here's the worst part 193 00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:22.679 for me. I think the school is partially culpable too, because a math 194 00:13:22.759 --> 00:13:31.080 teacher and another teacher showed drawings to the school counselor and one was him showing 195 00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:33.919 kids on the floor and a gun and blood splatters everywhere and saying, please 196 00:13:33.960 --> 00:13:41.600 help me, someone, please help me. And he so the math teacher, 197 00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:43.840 and I think was an English teacher, didn't like what he was writing 198 00:13:43.879 --> 00:13:46.600 in some of his poems. They called a meeting with the school counselor. 199 00:13:48.159 --> 00:13:52.320 So the school counselor called in the parents. The parents came in. It 200 00:13:52.360 --> 00:13:56.799 was the morning of the shootings. They bring the kid into the office. 201 00:13:56.919 --> 00:14:01.000 The parents are in the office, they talk about how you feel in are 202 00:14:01.039 --> 00:14:05.840 you gonna be okay? And the counselors knew that the kid was often neglected 203 00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:09.200 because they said the councilor's first thing was can you take them home? And 204 00:14:09.279 --> 00:14:11.840 be with him. He doesn't seem safe, and they said, no, 205 00:14:11.879 --> 00:14:13.759 we have to go to work. We have to go to work. We 206 00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:18.960 can't be there and babysit him. So the counselor felt it was safer to 207 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:22.399 have him at school because the big concern was that he was going to hurt 208 00:14:22.480 --> 00:14:28.480 himself. Right, because he was showing such depression. Three adults in the 209 00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:33.279 room, kids sitting there with a backpack. No one searched his backpack. 210 00:14:35.240 --> 00:14:39.919 The gun was in his backpack at that moment. I know, right, 211 00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:46.759 So, I think this is going to reverberate around the country. I think 212 00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:52.320 that parents are going to think twice before they buy teenagers guns. A friend 213 00:14:52.320 --> 00:14:56.399 of mine said she was visiting some friends in Texas one time and she went 214 00:14:56.440 --> 00:14:58.399 into the house. They were preparing lunch, and she goes, where are 215 00:14:58.399 --> 00:15:01.000 the kids, And she goes, Oh, they're out of the backyard shooting 216 00:15:01.000 --> 00:15:05.759 tin cans. He's twelve and thirteen year old boys just out with their guns 217 00:15:05.759 --> 00:15:09.679 shooting. I'm just like, oh my gosh. We have so many different 218 00:15:09.759 --> 00:15:15.639 ideas about gun ownership, gun usage in this country. It's crazy to try 219 00:15:15.679 --> 00:15:20.720 to even get one unified thought on it. All I know you're I'm asking 220 00:15:20.720 --> 00:15:24.960 the question over and over what should the parents have done? Are they responsible? 221 00:15:26.559 --> 00:15:31.159 I'm gonna answer I feel that they were partially responsible, and what they 222 00:15:31.240 --> 00:15:35.080 should have done. Hey be better parents and be there for them. When 223 00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:37.960 a kid says he's scared being home alone, get someone to be with him. 224 00:15:37.960 --> 00:15:41.360 Don't leave a kid alone they're eight, nine, ten years old. 225 00:15:41.879 --> 00:15:45.240 But then when he's talking about hallucinations and ghosts and stuff like that in the 226 00:15:45.279 --> 00:15:50.320 house, you get them to mental health services. And the last thing you 227 00:15:50.399 --> 00:15:56.200 do is buy him a gun. Not that kid. Ugh. It's heartbreaking 228 00:15:56.399 --> 00:16:00.440 all around, not the least of which, of course, is the families 229 00:16:00.440 --> 00:16:03.360 of the victims who lost kids. One little girl was fourteen years old, 230 00:16:04.120 --> 00:16:11.200 so sad. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six 231 00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:12.919 forty. You know, when I was doing a lot of dating back in 232 00:16:12.919 --> 00:16:18.120 the day, pre Julio, I used to refer to many, many men 233 00:16:18.639 --> 00:16:23.080 as being emotionally unavailable. This was like the thing we'd throw around about people 234 00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:30.039 emotionally unavailable. Of Course, once I went to graduate school and learned about 235 00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:37.519 psychology, many of those people weren't trying to hurt me or not get close. 236 00:16:37.679 --> 00:16:44.039 They actually just had an avoidant attachment style, meaning that intimacy felt threatening 237 00:16:44.039 --> 00:16:47.799 to them, right, And so as a result, they could talk about 238 00:16:47.799 --> 00:16:52.080 the weather, they could have sex and disappear for a while because all that 239 00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:57.000 intimacy was almost too much for them. But it is possible to learn how 240 00:16:57.000 --> 00:17:04.799 to be more emotionally connected. I talk about emotional intelligence a lot. One 241 00:17:04.839 --> 00:17:10.640 of the conversations that Julio and I have on a regular You know, you 242 00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:14.839 have these conversations all the time with people. Don't A lot of people spend 243 00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:17.799 time talking about each other's behaviors. Why they do that? You wouldn't believe 244 00:17:17.799 --> 00:17:19.680 what happened today. You'll come in and go get this. So as on 245 00:17:19.759 --> 00:17:22.440 a zoom and this guy says, bah blah, get this. I know 246 00:17:22.480 --> 00:17:26.319 when he says get this, he's about to go into a story. Right. 247 00:17:26.039 --> 00:17:32.720 So, when we analyze human behavior, I mean gossip as everybody does. 248 00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:37.759 He will often say, but it doesn't make sense, it's irrational, 249 00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:42.000 it's illogical. Why would they do that? And I say, over and 250 00:17:42.039 --> 00:17:48.279 over, Julio, do you think for a minute that our rational mind is 251 00:17:48.319 --> 00:17:53.039 in charge. It's not. We're not robots. The emotional mind controls all 252 00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:57.839 our behavior, our words, our thoughts, everything. And if you want 253 00:17:57.839 --> 00:18:03.640 to know how big the un conscious is, lay people call it the subconscious, 254 00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:07.160 the unconscious. I want you to picture a photograph of an iceberg. 255 00:18:07.480 --> 00:18:11.079 You've seen them, right, A little tip of the iceberg, the one 256 00:18:11.079 --> 00:18:15.880 that got the Titanic, just above the water, but down below another ninety 257 00:18:15.880 --> 00:18:22.480 percent of that iceberg. That's your unconscious, that's your emotional life. In 258 00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:27.079 fact, the purpose of therapy is to help make the unconscious conscious so that 259 00:18:27.160 --> 00:18:30.720 you can have better control over your wieldy emotions, like why did I say 260 00:18:30.720 --> 00:18:38.319 that? Why did I do that? Right? Emotional intelligence involves sometimes getting 261 00:18:38.319 --> 00:18:44.000 a little closer to you know, some of your childhood stuff that's buried underneath 262 00:18:44.000 --> 00:18:49.200 the surface. But literally it includes this kind of stuff, the ability to 263 00:18:51.599 --> 00:19:00.359 actually identify and describe what you're feeling, but also being able to disc what 264 00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:03.759 other people are feeling. It all starts with you, right, So if 265 00:19:03.759 --> 00:19:07.640 you're not aware of your emotions and the rainbow vocabulary use to express emotions, 266 00:19:08.079 --> 00:19:14.440 then you're gonna have a really hard time identifying them in other people. The 267 00:19:14.480 --> 00:19:21.759 other thing I think emotional intelligence is I kind of like internal backbone where we 268 00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:26.920 recognize our own personal strengths, but we also realize our failings, our limitations, 269 00:19:27.799 --> 00:19:33.880 and that's okay. We still like ourself. You see, people with 270 00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:38.799 self esteem don't think they're perfect. They just know that when they make mistakes, 271 00:19:38.839 --> 00:19:41.839 they know how to make repair. They know how to apologize, they 272 00:19:41.880 --> 00:19:45.400 know how to forgive, they know how to try again or get better, 273 00:19:45.640 --> 00:19:49.119 and they can talk about it. They don't have to be perfect all the 274 00:19:49.160 --> 00:19:56.319 time because they have self confidence. And that's all about learning to accept yourself. 275 00:19:56.359 --> 00:20:02.839 Once you learn to accept yourself better, you'll be able to accept others. 276 00:20:03.240 --> 00:20:07.160 The other thing people with emotional intelligence do is they don't ruminate. They 277 00:20:07.200 --> 00:20:11.319 don't stay on their mistakes. Oh I should have, would have could have? 278 00:20:11.720 --> 00:20:15.160 I wish I could have done that. I wish I could. No, 279 00:20:15.160 --> 00:20:18.359 no, no, they go, ah, I see what was happening 280 00:20:18.359 --> 00:20:22.440 that day. I was overtired, I hadn't eaten breakfast, I got snippy 281 00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:25.759 at my boss. I gotta find a way to make amends now. But 282 00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:29.680 and then you let it go right. You don't say you're a bad employee 283 00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:33.319 or a bad romantic partner or whatever it may be. You let go of 284 00:20:33.400 --> 00:20:41.680 your mistakes because you've learned from them. People with an emotional intelligence tend to 285 00:20:41.720 --> 00:20:48.559 be, in my opinion, curious, especially about other people. Now, 286 00:20:48.599 --> 00:20:52.200 I've been interviewing people from media, for radio, television, whatever, for 287 00:20:52.440 --> 00:20:55.559 oh my gosh, so many decades, I don't want to tell you. 288 00:20:56.319 --> 00:20:57.680 And I used to come in. I used to be very well researched, 289 00:20:57.720 --> 00:21:00.880 read everything I possibly could, and then come in with this perfect little list 290 00:21:00.920 --> 00:21:07.559 of questions. But because of my life experience, now I walk into every 291 00:21:07.720 --> 00:21:11.599 interview with a curious mind. I think to myself, what would my listeners 292 00:21:11.640 --> 00:21:17.200 be asking themselves? Right now? I have empathy for my listener. Why 293 00:21:17.240 --> 00:21:18.279 is it that way? Why is the big question for me too? Why 294 00:21:18.319 --> 00:21:22.440 do they do that? Why is it like that? Right? I'd say 295 00:21:22.480 --> 00:21:26.359 the biggest part of emotional intelligence is, of course, empathy for others. 296 00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:33.359 So how do you learn this stuff? Learn to be responsible with your mistakes, 297 00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:37.279 make amends but let them go. Learn to see other people's feelings and 298 00:21:37.279 --> 00:21:41.640 give words for them, and have empathy. Well, you start through conversation, 299 00:21:42.160 --> 00:21:47.799 meaningful, in depth conversations, And for those who have a kind of 300 00:21:47.799 --> 00:21:52.400 avoided attachment style, it's going to be hard at the beginning. Start small, 301 00:21:52.839 --> 00:21:56.319 I want you to talk about difficult, sensitive things. It's amazing how 302 00:21:56.319 --> 00:22:03.960 many people weren't taught as children to talk about these vulnerable topics. Even if 303 00:22:03.039 --> 00:22:07.400 you can't talk about your feelings, it helps there. It helps to be 304 00:22:07.559 --> 00:22:12.799 there for someone, especially in their bad times and they're good times, because 305 00:22:12.799 --> 00:22:15.519 sometimes you might have big feelings of envy. So you move away from people 306 00:22:15.519 --> 00:22:19.599 when they're having when life is going great, right, so you have to 307 00:22:19.640 --> 00:22:25.759 give your support when they're doing well, but also when they're having a rough 308 00:22:25.759 --> 00:22:30.720 time. Here's a big one. Learn to apologize. The big power words 309 00:22:30.759 --> 00:22:36.720 in any relationship are I'm sorry now. Not if you're a chronic apologizer and 310 00:22:36.799 --> 00:22:40.880 you feel less than and somebody's dominating and controlling and manipulating you, no, 311 00:22:40.880 --> 00:22:45.880 no, no. If you've made a mistake, taking ownership, saying you're 312 00:22:45.920 --> 00:22:52.759 wrong shows that you're an emotionally mature person. And the other thing that's really 313 00:22:52.759 --> 00:23:00.480 important is you respect other people's boundaries. Let the but when they say this 314 00:23:00.519 --> 00:23:03.279 is not what I want or this is not what I like, respect this. 315 00:23:03.880 --> 00:23:08.200 Whether that boundary is a psychological one, whether it's a physical one, 316 00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:14.680 whether they've got their emotional guard up, or whatever. You've got to respect 317 00:23:14.680 --> 00:23:21.960 that respecting others teaches you how to respect yourself. And also, people who 318 00:23:22.039 --> 00:23:26.240 are emotionally intelligent have no problem showing lots of affection. When I met my 319 00:23:26.319 --> 00:23:33.039 Julio, I've never met a man who hugged and held hands as often as 320 00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:38.079 he does. He's literally the most affectionate human I think I've ever met. 321 00:23:38.279 --> 00:23:41.480 And we're just, you know, vibing off each other with lots of dopamine 322 00:23:41.480 --> 00:23:47.480 back and forth, even when days are bad. If you've been somebody who 323 00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:49.400 are raised to not talk about your feelings, I know it's going to be 324 00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:55.839 hard. Start in your most intimate relationships and begin the conversation by saying, 325 00:23:56.440 --> 00:24:00.599 this is really hard for me to talk about. Forgive me if I make 326 00:24:00.680 --> 00:24:03.440 some mistakes and I sound awkward. I want to find a way to share 327 00:24:03.480 --> 00:24:10.000 this with you. That's how you start that conversation, and I wish you 328 00:24:10.079 --> 00:24:12.880 luck. It's hard, but it's all learned. Look at finding love isn't 329 00:24:12.880 --> 00:24:17.599 about luck, It's about skill, and this is the biggest skill, gaining 330 00:24:17.640 --> 00:24:23.400 some emotional intelligence. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM 331 00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:26.759 six forty. Well, if you care the super Bowl's over, and yeah, 332 00:24:26.880 --> 00:24:32.079 Taylor's boyfriend one uh Kansas City won. The score of final score against 333 00:24:32.119 --> 00:24:36.680 San Francisco was twenty five to twenty two in overtime. And now the thing 334 00:24:36.720 --> 00:24:40.720 that was going to break the internet is is Travis Kelcey going to walk up 335 00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:45.519 to Taylor Swift and propose to her right after the Super Bowl? That's what 336 00:24:45.559 --> 00:24:48.079 the Internet has been saying for weeks and weeks and weeks. Now, if 337 00:24:48.119 --> 00:24:52.799 it's true they only started dating in September, Doctor Wendy's going to say, 338 00:24:52.799 --> 00:24:56.559 that's a little too early, way too early for that, Okay, But 339 00:24:56.680 --> 00:25:00.480 now there's Internet also has a rumor that they are actually se secretly dating for 340 00:25:00.839 --> 00:25:06.240 six months before they were publicly dating. I don't know, the Internet's going 341 00:25:06.279 --> 00:25:07.599 to say, whatever, you know, verifies their feelings at the time, 342 00:25:07.640 --> 00:25:10.720 because before he wouldn't even a lot to rent, or she wouldn't let him 343 00:25:10.759 --> 00:25:12.359 in to see her because she didn't know him. And now they were secretly 344 00:25:12.440 --> 00:25:15.000 dating for months and she just out there, she is jumping up and down. 345 00:25:15.200 --> 00:25:18.079 Look at that icy, spicy girl, nice icy What is her name? 346 00:25:18.119 --> 00:25:21.599 Her name is Ice Spice? Oh icy Spacy? No, just I 347 00:25:21.759 --> 00:25:23.400 just Ice Ice spice. Yeah, I know my daughter Jones, I think 348 00:25:23.559 --> 00:25:26.440 was her for Halloween. Oh yeah, I'm sure she did such a good 349 00:25:26.519 --> 00:25:29.839 job. She's so cute. Yeah, she's so cute. So yeah, 350 00:25:29.880 --> 00:25:33.359 they're very happy, but some people are sad. There you go, uh 351 00:25:33.480 --> 00:25:38.319 so, biggest relationship myths, I'm always surprised that stuff. To me, 352 00:25:38.880 --> 00:25:45.279 that's completely common sense. The rest of the world is still like, come 353 00:25:45.319 --> 00:25:48.200 on, I still believe that myth. So let's talk about some of my 354 00:25:48.359 --> 00:25:56.279 favorite relationship myths that are spinning around our culture. You know, earlier Chris 355 00:25:56.319 --> 00:26:00.960 Merrill brought up one. He said, is it okay to split the check 356 00:26:00.119 --> 00:26:04.480 on the first date? And my answer is somebody needs to show sacrifice, 357 00:26:04.759 --> 00:26:10.960 even if it's a same sex relationship. Whoever does the asking is the host 358 00:26:11.400 --> 00:26:14.559 should do the paying. Now, I remember this gay friend of mine said 359 00:26:14.559 --> 00:26:17.000 that he went out with this guy. They had a really nice dinner. 360 00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:19.039 The guy had asked him out to dinner, and at the end of the 361 00:26:19.079 --> 00:26:25.720 dinner, the guy put his credit card down and my friend said, thanks, 362 00:26:26.160 --> 00:26:29.920 I really enjoyed the dinner. I'll get the next one. And apparently 363 00:26:30.079 --> 00:26:33.759 the next day he called him so mad, saying you need to split checks. 364 00:26:33.799 --> 00:26:36.000 You need to learn how to be a good gay. I'm just like 365 00:26:36.039 --> 00:26:41.000 who's chasing who? Then we want to be able to sacrifice and work for 366 00:26:41.079 --> 00:26:45.640 a mate, no matter the gender. Okay, so don't split the check 367 00:26:45.640 --> 00:26:48.920 on the first aid, folks, never ever, ever, unless it's what 368 00:26:49.039 --> 00:26:55.920 are you brother and sister business associates? No, okay, here's another myth. 369 00:26:56.599 --> 00:27:03.400 The best indicator of love is butterflies in your stomach. Nope, absolutely 370 00:27:03.440 --> 00:27:10.079 not for people actually with an anxious attachment style. That's anxiety and it often 371 00:27:10.119 --> 00:27:12.759 means those butterflies in the stomach that they're marching right back to the scene of 372 00:27:12.799 --> 00:27:18.279 their original attachment jury. So they can't listen to their stomach because their stomach's 373 00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:22.279 not taking them to the right place right. So that is a myth that 374 00:27:22.359 --> 00:27:26.759 if you don't have butterflies in your stomach, you're not in love. Here's 375 00:27:26.759 --> 00:27:32.279 another myth. Men must make more money than women. Okay, ladies, 376 00:27:32.359 --> 00:27:37.680 This myth of getting an alpha male to commit often keeps many women single. 377 00:27:37.519 --> 00:27:42.119 We have an oversupply of successful women in the mating marketplace right now. In 378 00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:47.559 the fertility years, men don't have a fertility window that women do. Now 379 00:27:47.759 --> 00:27:52.640 twenty percent of all humans, no matter their gender, do not biologically reproduce. 380 00:27:52.039 --> 00:27:56.480 That has been consistent through the history of the human species. One in 381 00:27:56.519 --> 00:28:00.759 five women, one in five men do not biologically reproduce. What does that 382 00:28:00.839 --> 00:28:04.519 mean? They are very important alo parents in our tribe. They are aunties 383 00:28:04.559 --> 00:28:11.640 and sisters and cousins and uncles and coaches and teachers and babysitters and employers who 384 00:28:11.640 --> 00:28:17.400 employ parents who feed kids. They help raise the kids in the tribe in 385 00:28:17.480 --> 00:28:22.000 a different way. But what happens with many women is when they surge ahead 386 00:28:22.359 --> 00:28:29.160 in education and their careers, they still have patriarchies swimming around in their head 387 00:28:29.599 --> 00:28:33.759 and they want a guy who makes that much more than them. Well, 388 00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:37.079 there aren't enough of those guys to go around. So if you're going to 389 00:28:37.160 --> 00:28:41.240 keep believing the myth that men must make more money than women, if you 390 00:28:41.279 --> 00:28:45.799 want to become a mother, uh, that fertility window might close before you 391 00:28:45.839 --> 00:28:48.440 get that alpha to settle down. I just gonna say, uh, here's 392 00:28:48.480 --> 00:28:57.119 another one. Sex is a great way to audition a mate. Nope, 393 00:28:59.079 --> 00:29:02.799 In fact, waiting to have sex to see if they'll stay around for a 394 00:29:02.880 --> 00:29:08.200 relationship is a way better way to audition to mate. There's this idea like, 395 00:29:08.240 --> 00:29:12.480 if we don't have instant chemistry, and it's physical chemistry right at the 396 00:29:12.480 --> 00:29:18.839 beginning, we'll never have a healthy relationship. What about building trust? What 397 00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:26.480 about building reliability? Friendship first? Then you can check out the sex. 398 00:29:27.880 --> 00:29:34.119 Here's another relationship myth. Chemistry must be necessary to have a secure relationship. 399 00:29:34.839 --> 00:29:42.119 You know, arranged marriages have a four percent divorce rate. And I know 400 00:29:42.160 --> 00:29:45.200 you think, oh, well, that's because they come from these cultures that 401 00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:48.039 are so patriarchal and women can't leave and they can't make their own No. 402 00:29:48.759 --> 00:29:52.880 You know, in modern Indian culture, where both the kids are doctors and 403 00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:56.480 lawyers, the parents still do the arranged marriage. The big fix up, 404 00:29:56.680 --> 00:30:03.000 Right, Why do arrange marriage only have a four percent divorce rate? Because 405 00:30:03.039 --> 00:30:07.319 there are six people in that marriage, the parents who chose as well, 406 00:30:07.799 --> 00:30:14.000 and so there's lots of people to support that relationship. And you know what 407 00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:18.559 that couple. I was actually talking to a woman this week who is her 408 00:30:18.599 --> 00:30:22.279 parents were Indian immigrants, and she said her parents met on a Thursday, 409 00:30:22.400 --> 00:30:26.400 got married on a Sunday and they've been together, you know, forty five 410 00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:32.839 years. So and I know you're saying, but where they happy. You 411 00:30:32.880 --> 00:30:37.680 know, romantic love doesn't guarantee long term happiness. It guarantees short term fun. 412 00:30:37.119 --> 00:30:41.880 That's about it. Here's another myth that I want everyone to understand. 413 00:30:42.480 --> 00:30:47.440 A short marriage is a failed marriage. Oh my gosh, how often do 414 00:30:47.519 --> 00:30:51.079 I hear that? Oh? You know, that marriage failed? So wait 415 00:30:51.119 --> 00:30:55.240 a sec the marriage has to go. You have to find one soulmate when 416 00:30:55.279 --> 00:30:59.400 you're somewhere in your twenties and keep that soulmate until you die in your eighties. 417 00:30:59.839 --> 00:31:06.279 And that's the only definition of a successful marriage. No, a marriage 418 00:31:06.359 --> 00:31:10.960 is only a failure if you haven't learned anything about yourself, if you haven't 419 00:31:11.079 --> 00:31:14.759 grown. You know, until death to us part was invented, death was 420 00:31:14.759 --> 00:31:18.079 pretty imminent, and many of us, because of our long life expanse we'll 421 00:31:18.079 --> 00:31:22.920 have two or three long stints in monogamy. Those marriages weren't failures. They 422 00:31:22.920 --> 00:31:26.759 were important marriages that you needed to raise kids. And now that job is 423 00:31:26.799 --> 00:31:33.039 done, you've moved on to other goals. That's okay, Caylea, Do 424 00:31:33.079 --> 00:31:34.400 I have time for one more? I want to fit in this last one 425 00:31:34.440 --> 00:31:37.640 because it's so important. Here's one of the biggest miss rolling around our culture 426 00:31:37.720 --> 00:31:45.359 right now. Non monogamy is for most people. No, actually, in 427 00:31:45.440 --> 00:31:49.559 our culture, remember monogamy is partly culturally dictated, but we also organize ourselves 428 00:31:49.559 --> 00:31:59.480 socially around couples. But actually polyamory is only sustainable in about five percent of 429 00:31:59.480 --> 00:32:02.559 people in modern Western cultures. I say, it's all fun and games until 430 00:32:02.559 --> 00:32:06.799 somebody gets hurt, I mean falls in love, you know, and then 431 00:32:06.839 --> 00:32:09.519 the other person gets hurt. That's how it goes. Non Monogamy is not 432 00:32:10.119 --> 00:32:15.319 for most people at this time in our history, in our culture, but 433 00:32:15.400 --> 00:32:20.599 it is for some. So who am I to judge. You've been listening 434 00:32:20.599 --> 00:32:22.839 to Doctor Wendy Wallace. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six 435 00:32:22.960 --> 00:32:28.960 forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app