WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.440 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor 2 00:00:04.480 --> 00:00:09.199 Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy 3 00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:14.000 Welsh Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I'm 4 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:16.839 doctor Wendy Walsh. If you're new to my show. I have a PhD 5 00:00:16.879 --> 00:00:21.000 in clinical psychology. I'm a professor, not a therapist, and I am 6 00:00:21.079 --> 00:00:25.600 obsessed, you know that, obsessed with the science of love. I read 7 00:00:25.640 --> 00:00:30.079 new studies all the time. You know. Some of my followers send me 8 00:00:30.160 --> 00:00:33.320 emails and notes on social media, and one guy sent me a thing this 9 00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:37.359 week. He goes, could it be possible that they could be experimenting with 10 00:00:37.479 --> 00:00:43.320 a vaccine that makes people like not cheat, a cheating vaccine? And I'm 11 00:00:43.320 --> 00:00:46.840 like, that's a good, good idea, because guess what, it's already 12 00:00:46.840 --> 00:00:53.079 in development. There's actually they're testing on men and oxytocin no spray or no 13 00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:57.359 spray laced with oxytocin the bonding hormone, and in studies, when men use 14 00:00:57.359 --> 00:01:00.520 it, they find their own partner far more attractive than other people, just 15 00:01:00.560 --> 00:01:06.120 saying, hey, but you should know that everything I do. That I've 16 00:01:06.120 --> 00:01:07.840 written three books on relationships, and if you've read them, you know me 17 00:01:07.959 --> 00:01:12.120 better than I know me is used as an act of catharsis, as I 18 00:01:12.159 --> 00:01:21.400 am experientially going through what you're going through. So guess what, Well, 19 00:01:21.400 --> 00:01:25.879 you know, I'm engaged, I'm getting married, I'm a woman of a 20 00:01:25.879 --> 00:01:27.000 certain age. I'm going to tell you what age. It's up there, 21 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:33.079 all right. I have been a single mom for almost twenty years, and 22 00:01:33.319 --> 00:01:36.159 I decided to put my kids first. Now it's not for everybody, but 23 00:01:36.359 --> 00:01:38.840 I decided to not really date, and if I did, it was little 24 00:01:38.920 --> 00:01:42.480 romantic compartments that my kids never knew about when they were away or camp or 25 00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:49.280 whatever. But I didn't really expose my children to any potential, you know, 26 00:01:49.599 --> 00:01:53.760 bad romantic choice that I might make. And so now I feel like 27 00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:57.239 it's my time. In fact, I used to say to friends, don't 28 00:01:57.239 --> 00:02:00.920 worry, Someday I'm gonna have a kick ass retirement relationship. Well, nobody's 29 00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:04.159 retiring, but at least we're gonna. We're gonna get there. So during 30 00:02:04.200 --> 00:02:07.159 the beginning of COVID, I met the man in my dreams and we are 31 00:02:07.719 --> 00:02:13.800 planning a wedding for this summer. I have become quite aware about I have 32 00:02:13.919 --> 00:02:20.800 become a little bit of a bridezilla. Now I understand the whole moniker of 33 00:02:20.960 --> 00:02:24.280 bridezilla. What it is is this, we want our day or days. 34 00:02:24.319 --> 00:02:28.120 If you're doing a destination wedding like we are with it goes on for days. 35 00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:31.960 We want everything to be perfect. Now, I am a natural planner, 36 00:02:32.120 --> 00:02:35.319 so you should. I should let you know. I have spreadsheets going 37 00:02:35.560 --> 00:02:40.240 already. I have contact lists, I have budgets, I have crazy things. 38 00:02:40.280 --> 00:02:46.599 I have you know, Pinterest boards. I am so organized. But 39 00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:49.719 the question is will I be able to handle it if it doesn't go as 40 00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:53.280 expected? Well, I turned to the authority on all of this, brides 41 00:02:53.319 --> 00:02:57.479 dot Com, of course, and got a little bit of advice from them 42 00:02:57.520 --> 00:03:00.000 that I'd like to share with you. If you are planning your own way, 43 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:02.759 we if you are planning a wedding for an adult daughter or son, 44 00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:08.199 let's talk about what we need to do. Focus on priorities, Okay, 45 00:03:08.439 --> 00:03:15.199 instead of spending a lot of mental energy like I've been nitpicking on every detailed, 46 00:03:15.240 --> 00:03:21.120 detailed detail. I look at the bouquet, right, I'm going to 47 00:03:21.159 --> 00:03:24.360 do this flower wholesaler and do a DIY thing. But I have pictures and 48 00:03:24.400 --> 00:03:28.919 pictures and pictures of how I want it to be. I've taken pictures of 49 00:03:29.039 --> 00:03:35.319 the mock up place, setting of the table I am. So you know 50 00:03:35.400 --> 00:03:39.280 what, let's just think about the stuff that's the non negotiables. So, 51 00:03:39.360 --> 00:03:42.560 in other words, our budgets are budget. We're not going over our budget, 52 00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:45.159 right, that's it. That means we take things away. We don't 53 00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:49.800 add things on because we get excited, and obviously we want everyone to have 54 00:03:49.879 --> 00:03:53.360 some food, so food should come first. So the best advice is focus 55 00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:55.960 on priorities, focus on just what matters, and don't fall down the rabbit's 56 00:03:57.000 --> 00:04:02.319 hole of trying to make everything hype detailed. But there's a big communication piece. 57 00:04:02.960 --> 00:04:06.759 Weddings are community events, whether there are parents pitching in money, friends 58 00:04:06.840 --> 00:04:11.039 pitching in money paying for things. I have my two best friends. If 59 00:04:11.039 --> 00:04:14.000 you can imagine this, how loved I am and honored I feel. My 60 00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:16.680 two best friends are paying for the welcome party. They are literally buying the 61 00:04:16.720 --> 00:04:20.759 wine and the charcotere boards and everything. So I have an open line of 62 00:04:20.800 --> 00:04:26.680 communication with them where I clearly told them, you know, anything over this 63 00:04:26.920 --> 00:04:29.759 budget I am going to pick up, So don't think it's going to get 64 00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:31.759 out of hand. If it does, if people order more or whatever, 65 00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:38.319 it's on me. Have good communication with all those people. Be very clear. 66 00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:42.319 Now here's the thing. When people pay for something, they want to 67 00:04:42.360 --> 00:04:45.519 have a little control too, So you're going to have to have a conversation 68 00:04:45.720 --> 00:04:49.600 about what they can and cannot control. My girlfriends are totally cool. They're 69 00:04:49.600 --> 00:04:51.600 just like, where do we send the chat? Co're fine, We're good. 70 00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:57.639 Whatever you want to do. Also break it down into small steps. 71 00:04:57.720 --> 00:05:00.560 I do that. Some days I'm just working on food. Food, sometimes 72 00:05:00.639 --> 00:05:03.560 invitation lists, sometimes accommodation. I've been really busy on the accommodation part. 73 00:05:03.600 --> 00:05:08.360 I want to make sure everybody's got a bed, But don't try to get 74 00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:13.279 overwhelmed by all the details. That's a good one. And also choose the 75 00:05:13.480 --> 00:05:18.040 right support system. So, okay, this is how detail oriented I am. 76 00:05:19.319 --> 00:05:21.839 We only have an hour before we get to the venue to set up 77 00:05:21.839 --> 00:05:25.800 the tables. Can you imagine? And I'm going to be off somewhere looking 78 00:05:25.839 --> 00:05:28.560 in a mirror fixing my eyelashes. I'm not going to be able to do 79 00:05:28.600 --> 00:05:30.639 those tables the way I envision them, So, of course I set up 80 00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:34.079 a mock table. I took very detailed pictures of it, and I'm going 81 00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:39.040 to have twelve bins for twelve tables, and it's going to have the centerpieces 82 00:05:39.079 --> 00:05:41.360 in it. It's going to have the wineglasses in it, the place setting 83 00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:44.079 is going to have it, the name cards, everything. And so I 84 00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:47.920 found twelve friends and I'm gonna go. You're each in charge of a table, 85 00:05:48.680 --> 00:05:53.399 and one of them is an interior decorator, another one's a professional wedding 86 00:05:53.480 --> 00:05:56.319 planner, so they can do the final eyeball of the room to make sure 87 00:05:56.360 --> 00:06:00.000 everything's not crooked, the table claws and whatever. I literally said, would 88 00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:02.439 you be a table decorator? I found that team and they're going to do 89 00:06:02.519 --> 00:06:06.199 it. The other thing Bride's Magazine suggests is we hire a wedding planner. 90 00:06:06.600 --> 00:06:12.120 I can't afford to do that. But I have a friend who is on 91 00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:15.959 her part time in her private life, a wedding planner for people, and 92 00:06:16.079 --> 00:06:20.199 she says she would never do it for money because she could never make enough 93 00:06:20.279 --> 00:06:24.160 money to do it with the amount of work it is. She only does 94 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:28.680 it for love. So the day of she's in charge, I mean Basically, 95 00:06:29.399 --> 00:06:33.279 I have to take my fingers off the controls. That's all I have 96 00:06:33.560 --> 00:06:39.279 to do. Get off the controls and let her take all over. The 97 00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:43.800 other bit of advice that Bride's Magazine gives that I need to hear is continue 98 00:06:43.839 --> 00:06:46.399 to date your partner while your busy wedding planning. If the only conversation is 99 00:06:46.439 --> 00:06:48.360 have you done this? Have you paid for this? Is this happening? 100 00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:51.759 Then you're going to be at each other's throats, you know. My sweet 101 00:06:51.800 --> 00:06:56.920 Julio said the other day, he said, we should go for a picnic 102 00:06:57.040 --> 00:07:00.240 some Sunday like we used to do doing during COVID. Our whole dating started 103 00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:03.959 with picnics because we're all outdoors. Wasn't that romantic? So I think I'm 104 00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:06.240 gonna have to pack up picnic. We didn't do it today, We'll have 105 00:07:06.279 --> 00:07:10.439 to do it next Sunday. Why not? Why not? Hey? When 106 00:07:10.519 --> 00:07:15.160 we come back. I mentioned that I was a single mother for almost twenty 107 00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:18.120 years and that I didn't date, and I tried to date a little bit 108 00:07:18.160 --> 00:07:21.399 here and there without my kids knowing about it, but it never worked out 109 00:07:21.439 --> 00:07:27.240 because a lot of those guys were not prepared to date a single parent, 110 00:07:28.079 --> 00:07:30.800 a single parent. If you're a good parent, your kids should come first. 111 00:07:30.319 --> 00:07:36.560 So when we come back, let's talk about when you should not date. 112 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:43.160 A single parent should not. Here are the signs you're not ready for 113 00:07:43.240 --> 00:07:46.839 it. You're listening to The Doctor Andndywall Show and KFI AM six forty. 114 00:07:46.120 --> 00:07:53.319 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on 115 00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:59.680 demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show 116 00:08:00.759 --> 00:08:03.879 six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I want to tell you 117 00:08:03.920 --> 00:08:07.399 a story. One time, my kids were getting older and I thought I 118 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:09.639 would dip my toe into the dating world. I know, because there's a 119 00:08:09.639 --> 00:08:11.319 bunch of guys out there are going to be like, what do you mean 120 00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:16.319 You didn't date for eighteen years? Remember that dinner I paid for? I 121 00:08:16.600 --> 00:08:20.439 tried. Okay, I tried, but my kids always came first. And 122 00:08:20.920 --> 00:08:24.560 when you're a single parent, you can't just pick up and run away for 123 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:30.160 a romantic weekend because dinner dates have to go somewhere at some point. And 124 00:08:30.839 --> 00:08:33.879 if I did, then the way my children would punish me when I came 125 00:08:33.960 --> 00:08:37.240 back, it was just not worth it. And the money I would have 126 00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:41.639 to pay for childcare. It wasn't worth it anyway. At a certain age, 127 00:08:41.639 --> 00:08:45.080 my kids were getting older. I think my youngest one was ten and 128 00:08:45.200 --> 00:08:48.320 my oldest one was fifteen, And so I had a dinner date planned with 129 00:08:48.360 --> 00:08:50.679 a guy, and it was decided that we would go in my neighborhood where 130 00:08:50.679 --> 00:08:54.399 we could literally walk out to the restaurant. We had some nice restaurants near 131 00:08:54.440 --> 00:08:58.600 the place. So we have a dinner. It's a really lovely dinner. 132 00:09:00.039 --> 00:09:05.000 Have appetizers, we have main course, we have dessert. We're just in 133 00:09:05.120 --> 00:09:09.240 the middle of dessert, and my phone rings. Now at this point, 134 00:09:09.559 --> 00:09:15.679 it's probably like nine thirty, quarter to ten. The ten year old is 135 00:09:15.720 --> 00:09:20.159 home by herself, but I'm around the corner and she goes, Mom, 136 00:09:20.320 --> 00:09:26.080 when are you coming home? Are you almost finished? And I did things 137 00:09:26.120 --> 00:09:28.120 bombs are supposed to say, Yeah, we're just on dessert, honey, 138 00:09:28.159 --> 00:09:30.919 we just have to get the check. I'll be a few minutes. You're 139 00:09:30.919 --> 00:09:37.600 okay by yourself, And I watched my date's face fall literally like, ugh, 140 00:09:37.559 --> 00:09:41.519 I guess this date's over paid for dinner for nothing, right. I 141 00:09:41.559 --> 00:09:46.000 could just see I could see what he was thinking at that time. He 142 00:09:46.159 --> 00:09:50.240 had no concept of what a big deal it was to even go around the 143 00:09:50.279 --> 00:09:52.879 corner and leave a ten year old alone for two hours. It was a 144 00:09:52.960 --> 00:09:56.440 big event for us. I actually expected her fifteen year old sister to be 145 00:09:56.519 --> 00:09:58.879 home on time, but she was late, and you know how it happens. 146 00:10:00.440 --> 00:10:05.279 So let's talk about if you're thinking of dating a single parent, what 147 00:10:05.679 --> 00:10:07.559 you need to know. And this comes up. Actually, we have a 148 00:10:07.639 --> 00:10:11.799 couple people in my Zoom group that meets on Wednesday night and they ask this 149 00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:13.600 question a lot about it. They meet people who have children and how do 150 00:10:13.679 --> 00:10:20.120 they negotiate that? Right? So number one, if you are jealous of 151 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:24.679 their kids, you should not be dating them. Look, we don't like 152 00:10:24.039 --> 00:10:26.960 to share a partner. Nobody likes to share your partner with somebody else, 153 00:10:28.440 --> 00:10:31.200 and some people are more jealous than others. Right, but I will tell 154 00:10:31.240 --> 00:10:35.720 you that a good parent, and I assume if you want to potentially have 155 00:10:35.799 --> 00:10:39.399 a long term relationship with this person, you'd want them to be a good 156 00:10:39.480 --> 00:10:43.080 parent because you will eventually be their next child or you'll have a child together. 157 00:10:43.200 --> 00:10:46.840 Right, they're gonna look, come on, I'll be your mommy if 158 00:10:46.879 --> 00:10:50.679 you be my daddy. That's kind of what relationships are, right, So 159 00:10:50.200 --> 00:10:56.960 nobody likes sharing. But if you're completely jealous that they put their kids first, 160 00:10:56.039 --> 00:10:58.919 then you're gonna have a really hard time. I will say you should 161 00:10:58.919 --> 00:11:03.840 stop and acknowledge. I think the feeling of jealousy is one of the most 162 00:11:03.919 --> 00:11:07.879 dangerous feelings. If we don't acknowledge it, experience it, and even express 163 00:11:07.960 --> 00:11:11.799 it and talk about it and just come clean about our feelings, we might 164 00:11:11.919 --> 00:11:13.600 be able to get through it. But hey, if you're jealous of their 165 00:11:13.679 --> 00:11:18.559 kids, don't date them. All right. Oh here's another big one. 166 00:11:20.639 --> 00:11:24.320 All you like spontaneity in a relationship, you want to just surprise them at 167 00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:28.279 work with some flowers and say I'm taking you out to dinner tonight, or 168 00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:31.960 you just say, hey, I got tickets for us to go to this 169 00:11:31.120 --> 00:11:35.200 other city this weekend. Let's go to this show that's taken place in Phoenix 170 00:11:35.399 --> 00:11:41.000 or Portland or whatever. Let's just go. No, it doesn't work with 171 00:11:41.080 --> 00:11:45.080 a single parent, no way. Spontaneity. Everything has to be planned. 172 00:11:45.679 --> 00:11:50.200 Childcare needs to be planned, driving to all their sports events on weekends needs 173 00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:52.639 to be planned. There's so much that needs to happen. So if you're 174 00:11:52.759 --> 00:11:58.320 somebody who wants to be a jet setter or grab a quick romantic lunch out 175 00:11:58.360 --> 00:12:01.960 of the blue. No, not gonna happen with a single parent. You 176 00:12:03.039 --> 00:12:09.279 can't surprise them. Can't surprise them. Oh here's a big, big one. 177 00:12:09.840 --> 00:12:13.519 This comes up a lot in my parenting. My parenting no they're not 178 00:12:13.639 --> 00:12:18.120 parenting grows my Patreon group where we talk about people who are in relationships with 179 00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:22.039 people who have kids, and they may both have kids, maybe a blended 180 00:12:22.080 --> 00:12:26.480 family, etc. If you resent the fact that you have to bite your 181 00:12:26.559 --> 00:12:31.919 tongue about parenting issues, then you should not be dating a single parent. 182 00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:35.320 Now I have a couple examples. So, my younger brother, when his 183 00:12:35.679 --> 00:12:39.759 boys were teenagers, met a woman who had teenage boys, and the sense 184 00:12:39.799 --> 00:12:43.240 of kids were all round the same age, and they were heading towards the 185 00:12:43.320 --> 00:12:45.919 end of high school. Before you know it, they moved in together. 186 00:12:45.960 --> 00:12:48.200 I think they got married, maybe when the very last one was a senior 187 00:12:48.240 --> 00:12:52.559 in high school or something, and they moved them all in together, and 188 00:12:52.639 --> 00:12:56.720 they made a decision that they would form a blended family, and that they 189 00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:00.440 would never refer to the kids as my kids. They would refer to the 190 00:13:00.519 --> 00:13:05.399 kids always as our kids, and they would continue to present a unified front, 191 00:13:05.759 --> 00:13:09.600 so they would have private conversations in their own room about how to discipline 192 00:13:09.000 --> 00:13:16.279 one of their four kids. Okay, so that works for only a few 193 00:13:16.360 --> 00:13:18.440 couples. The rest of them, it works better to say, look, 194 00:13:18.519 --> 00:13:22.120 I'm in charge of my kids, you're in charge of yours, or you 195 00:13:22.279 --> 00:13:26.639 don't have kids and you don't parent, so how would you know what we've 196 00:13:26.679 --> 00:13:28.240 been through? You know. Like one of the things I say to Julio 197 00:13:28.279 --> 00:13:31.679 all the time is he'll be like, you know, maybe he'll be criticizing 198 00:13:31.759 --> 00:13:35.000 something about one of my kids, and I'll say, you know, you 199 00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:39.080 weren't here the last twenty years. You didn't see that this actually is progress, 200 00:13:39.639 --> 00:13:43.240 that this is actually a step forward. She's doing better than she was 201 00:13:43.320 --> 00:13:48.759 doing before. But you know, a relationship between a parent and child takes 202 00:13:48.919 --> 00:13:52.600 years to build, and a stranger can't just step in there and start being 203 00:13:52.639 --> 00:13:58.639 a director. So you better learn to bite your tongue. Also, along 204 00:13:58.679 --> 00:14:03.080 the same lines of Spon teneity, that you want to control the timing of 205 00:14:03.159 --> 00:14:07.240 the relationship. So I remember one time a friend of mine, he had 206 00:14:07.399 --> 00:14:13.759 three kids and she had one, I think, and they were young adult 207 00:14:13.840 --> 00:14:16.399 in high school age, and they were planning, you know, they were 208 00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:18.200 going to date for this amount of time, then they were going to live 209 00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:22.440 together for this amount of time, and then they're going to get married on 210 00:14:22.600 --> 00:14:26.120 this date. Well it all fell apart. They ended up living together for 211 00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:28.879 longer, they ended up planning the wed and canceling it twice. And as 212 00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:35.200 he said, there are six people in this decision, four young adults in 213 00:14:35.320 --> 00:14:37.799 us, and everybody's lives are getting in the way. And so eventually they 214 00:14:37.879 --> 00:14:41.399 did marry and they are happy, and the nest got empty. But you 215 00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:46.360 can't control the timing when there are the needs of other people involved. Maybe 216 00:14:46.480 --> 00:14:50.360 one is going to end up spending an extra year at school, maybe one 217 00:14:50.480 --> 00:14:56.519 needs more parenting for a little longer before they launch. And here's probably the 218 00:14:56.519 --> 00:15:01.600 biggest reason why you should not date a single parent. If you just don't 219 00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:03.879 like kids. I mean, there are people out there who don't like kids. 220 00:15:03.879 --> 00:15:05.799 I don't know. If you watch Bill Maher, it's I mean, 221 00:15:05.879 --> 00:15:09.240 I think his comedy is great, but I just cringe every time he talks 222 00:15:09.240 --> 00:15:11.720 about how much he hates kids. You know, he was a kid, 223 00:15:13.080 --> 00:15:15.919 and you know he became a comedian because he had a bad childhood and that's 224 00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:18.519 why he hates kids, because he doesn't you know, his memories of his 225 00:15:18.600 --> 00:15:20.440 childhood are bad. I can guarantee it. I'll just diagnose him publicly. 226 00:15:20.720 --> 00:15:24.600 Why not. So if you don't like kids, please don't date somebody with 227 00:15:24.720 --> 00:15:28.879 children, please please. This is not a good idea. All right, 228 00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:31.120 when we come back, let's talk about stress. I am also a professor 229 00:15:31.159 --> 00:15:35.600 of health psychology, and I'm going to teach you how to activate your vegas 230 00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:39.960 nerve. No, it's not what you think. You're listening to the Doctor 231 00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:43.960 Wendywall Show on k I AM six forty one Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 232 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:50.559 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty Welcome 233 00:15:50.600 --> 00:15:54.600 back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the 234 00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:58.960 iHeartRadio app. So. I teach a number of things at cal State Channel 235 00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:02.200 Islands. One of the is I am honored to teach, and probably my 236 00:16:02.399 --> 00:16:07.759 favorite one actually is called Psychology of Health Counseling. I'm actually teaching it by 237 00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:10.519 zoom this summer. So if any of my students are listening. You can 238 00:16:10.600 --> 00:16:12.759 still sign up because let's just get through it this summer, shall we? 239 00:16:12.799 --> 00:16:19.679 It'll be fun. One of the sections I teach in how psychology is coping 240 00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:22.639 with stress. You know, what is a stress war, what a stress 241 00:16:22.720 --> 00:16:26.919 due to the body, and what kind of anxiety does it create? I 242 00:16:27.080 --> 00:16:33.000 feel, in some ways post COVID that we as a culture have entered an 243 00:16:33.200 --> 00:16:40.840 age of anxiety. So many people experience chronic anxiety right now, and it 244 00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:45.480 is so correlated with our health outcomes. Now we know that what anxiety does 245 00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:52.000 is it triggers our body's stress response, and when that happens, our body 246 00:16:52.080 --> 00:16:56.960 releases stress hormones. You probably heard of them, Adrenaline, cortisol, really 247 00:16:56.000 --> 00:17:00.240 important stress hormones that you need if you're running from a lion or a bear. 248 00:17:00.600 --> 00:17:03.960 Okay, but you don't need it. If you're sitting in traffic, 249 00:17:04.359 --> 00:17:07.599 you don't need it. If you're sitting at a computer, you don't need 250 00:17:07.680 --> 00:17:11.119 it. If you're trying to get to sleep and you're ruminating about why he 251 00:17:11.160 --> 00:17:14.839 didn't call back, that is a stress you don't need. You don't need 252 00:17:14.960 --> 00:17:22.720 that cortisol or adrenaline. So what happens is chronic anxiety starts to prolong the 253 00:17:22.759 --> 00:17:26.640 exposure to these hormones, and that can result in health issues. So here 254 00:17:26.680 --> 00:17:30.839 are the big ones. When you have chronic anxiety, you can get suppression 255 00:17:30.920 --> 00:17:34.240 of the immune system. So if you're constantly getting colds and flus could be 256 00:17:34.400 --> 00:17:41.559 anxiety related. You could get psychosomatic disorders like stomach aches, chest pains, 257 00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:45.160 headaches. And I want to stop and remind everybody, especially my students who 258 00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:48.880 might have gotten this wrong on my last exam. This is the question. 259 00:17:49.160 --> 00:17:52.440 See if you can answer it. Producer Kayla, are you with me, 260 00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:57.799 I'm going to give you a test. Okay, If somebody has a psychosomatic 261 00:17:57.960 --> 00:18:03.880 disorder, it means they're imagining their symptoms. True or false? True, 262 00:18:04.559 --> 00:18:08.359 false, till it's false. Fifty percent of my students, even after I 263 00:18:08.480 --> 00:18:14.079 teach it, still answer true. When you have a psychosomatic illness, it 264 00:18:14.200 --> 00:18:18.200 means psycho means psychological, somatic means the body. It means the emotional brain 265 00:18:18.359 --> 00:18:22.079 colludes with the body and makes it sick. Now, you may go to 266 00:18:22.160 --> 00:18:26.759 the doctor and the doctor say I can't find the reason for your pain, 267 00:18:26.279 --> 00:18:33.079 but the pain is real and the health outcomes are real. In fact, 268 00:18:33.200 --> 00:18:41.759 as children chronic anxiety can even impact growth and development. So we have to 269 00:18:41.880 --> 00:18:45.680 learn to make the connection between our physical symptoms and our psychological symptoms. Right, 270 00:18:47.319 --> 00:18:49.759 But there are things that we can do to calm ourselves down. And 271 00:18:49.880 --> 00:18:56.519 what we need to do is learn how to stimulate what's called our parasympathetic nervous 272 00:18:56.559 --> 00:19:00.720 system. So you know biology one oh one, folks, the role. 273 00:19:00.119 --> 00:19:04.119 You have an automatic nervous system, right, It's got two sides. The 274 00:19:04.319 --> 00:19:10.039 parasympathetic nervous system, I'm sorry, not stimulated to calm it down. Sorry, 275 00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:11.519 I got it backwards. You don't want to stimulate it, you want 276 00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:18.119 to calm it down. The parasympathetic nervous system is sometimes called rest and digest, 277 00:19:18.039 --> 00:19:23.519 and the sympathetic nervous system is called fight or flight. Right, So 278 00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:27.519 your sympathetic nervous system is the one that increases your heart rate. It does 279 00:19:27.599 --> 00:19:30.039 make you more alert because you've got to look out for that lion or tiger 280 00:19:30.119 --> 00:19:34.319 or bear that's chasing you. And it does release activating hormones like neuropinephron and 281 00:19:34.359 --> 00:19:38.680 epinephron that can make you run really fast if you need to outrun a lion, 282 00:19:38.759 --> 00:19:41.000 tiger, or bear, but not if you're sitting on the one oh 283 00:19:41.119 --> 00:19:45.359 one mad because you're not moving and you're going five miles an hour. Okay, 284 00:19:47.240 --> 00:19:52.079 So the parasympathetic nervous system controls our heart. It slows down our heart 285 00:19:52.160 --> 00:19:59.559 rate, it slows down our digestive system, it slows down our respiratory system. 286 00:20:00.279 --> 00:20:03.839 In a minute, I'm going to tell you one big trick that will 287 00:20:03.920 --> 00:20:11.559 only take you about sixty seconds to do that will actually activate your parasympathetic nervous 288 00:20:11.559 --> 00:20:14.720 system right away. It's not comfortable, you're not going to want to do 289 00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:17.759 it, but if you try it when you have anxiety, it will really 290 00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:21.400 work. But before I get there, let's talk about what research has said 291 00:20:21.640 --> 00:20:26.240 can help activate our sympathetic nervous system. Spending time in nature. There's lots 292 00:20:26.240 --> 00:20:30.640 of research to show that spending time in nature is good for your health. 293 00:20:30.680 --> 00:20:36.319 It actually increases immune system cells. Getting a massage. I am overdue. 294 00:20:36.599 --> 00:20:38.440 I've actually been back to you know, trying to get back in wedding shape. 295 00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:42.240 I've been going to agree. I go to Studio MDR. It's my 296 00:20:42.279 --> 00:20:45.400 favorite. There are five locations that they didn't pay me to say this. 297 00:20:45.519 --> 00:20:48.240 I just love them so much, and honestly, I've only gone eight times 298 00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:52.519 and I've lost five pounds, and I have clinched in my belt an inch 299 00:20:52.559 --> 00:20:55.599 of two and not cha two. Yeah. But anyway, I need a 300 00:20:55.640 --> 00:20:57.480 massage because I'm stiff. Every inch of my body hurts. Because that is 301 00:20:57.519 --> 00:21:03.559 a total body workout. You can listen to relaxing music. So at the 302 00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:06.240 end of my busy day, I come home and I love to cook. 303 00:21:06.279 --> 00:21:10.839 That's my hobby. It's relaxing for me. But I cannot cook unless there's 304 00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:15.160 quiet jazz playing in the background. And I've lit a candle, you know, 305 00:21:15.240 --> 00:21:18.559 for Mother's Day? Do you remember, did I tell you? Producer 306 00:21:18.599 --> 00:21:22.359 Kayla gave me a beautiful scented candle, So now I'll light it when I 307 00:21:22.400 --> 00:21:26.640 cook dinner later. Just smell wonderful. It does mell wonderful. So listen 308 00:21:26.680 --> 00:21:30.599 to relaxing music. It can help stimulate your sympathetic nervous system. The other 309 00:21:30.640 --> 00:21:34.079 big one our relationships. Increase your social connections with others. Laugh with them, 310 00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:37.920 be funny. One of the reasons why Producer Kayla and I have such 311 00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:44.799 a good relationship is before we start any live show, we tell some stories 312 00:21:44.839 --> 00:21:48.839 of our week and laugh our butts off. Don't we They're tragic stories, 313 00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:52.680 but we find a way to laugh at them. Right. I don't have 314 00:21:52.799 --> 00:21:56.200 to tell you that you can stimulate your sympathetic nervous system by meditating, exercising, 315 00:21:56.240 --> 00:22:00.079 and of course taking a few deep breaths. Now here's the prescription I 316 00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:04.240 promised you. Here's how you can activate your vegus nerve. Okay, your 317 00:22:04.319 --> 00:22:10.440 vegus nerve is the most important tool you have in your toolbox to reduce anxiety. 318 00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:15.119 It's called the cold water plunge. It's also known as the diving reflex 319 00:22:15.559 --> 00:22:19.559 or the mammalian dive reflex. So here's what it is. When your face 320 00:22:21.240 --> 00:22:23.960 comes into contact with cold water, especially around the nose and the mouth, 321 00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:30.279 it triggers sensory receptors in the skin and they signal the receptors of the brain 322 00:22:30.680 --> 00:22:37.039 to signal a trigeminal trigeminal nerve that you didn't know you had to trigeminal nerve, 323 00:22:37.119 --> 00:22:41.839 did you. Here's what it does. Basically, it instantly slows down, 324 00:22:41.880 --> 00:22:45.160 so it imagines that you're drowning in cold water, and so it tells 325 00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:49.200 the body just get oxygen to the brain and nowhere else. Calm down. 326 00:22:49.359 --> 00:22:52.759 Everything. We can't waste time on breathing, digestion, anything else going on. 327 00:22:53.240 --> 00:22:56.960 Let us just calm down and survive with the brain. So here's what 328 00:22:56.039 --> 00:23:00.079 you do. You take a big old mixing ball in your cupboard. You 329 00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:03.200 fill it full of cold water. You add ice cubes. Let us sit 330 00:23:03.240 --> 00:23:06.440 for a few minutes so it gets nice and cold. You take it big 331 00:23:06.519 --> 00:23:08.480 deep breath, and you hold your breath, and you put your whole face 332 00:23:08.839 --> 00:23:12.079 in the cold water. Yes, your forehead, yes, your chin, 333 00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:15.759 yes, your eyes, nose, and mouth, and you hold your breath 334 00:23:15.799 --> 00:23:19.240 for at least fifteen seconds underwater. I know if you're a vapor and smoker 335 00:23:19.279 --> 00:23:22.759 you probably can't hold your breath that long, but let's assume you can. 336 00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:26.480 And then you take it out. You gasp, you take a few deep 337 00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:29.519 breaths, you relax, You wait about thirty seconds, and you do it 338 00:23:29.759 --> 00:23:33.599 again. Do it up to three times. If you're feeling anxiety, I 339 00:23:33.759 --> 00:23:38.960 promise you the cold water plunge would change your life. Don't say I didn't 340 00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:41.519 tell you. Don't say I don't have you back. I know how to 341 00:23:41.599 --> 00:23:45.720 reduce anxiety for you. All right, when we come back. Maybe you 342 00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:48.440 have anxiety around love. Guess what we fool ourselves sometimes when we're looking for 343 00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:52.039 love. Let's talk about the tricks our brain plays on us. You're listening 344 00:23:52.039 --> 00:23:56.640 to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty one, Lave Everywhere 345 00:23:56.880 --> 00:24:02.359 on the iHeartRadio Apple. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 346 00:24:02.599 --> 00:24:06.319 AM six forty Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six 347 00:24:06.440 --> 00:24:10.240 forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I want to tell you about this 348 00:24:10.319 --> 00:24:15.839 dissertation that I read recently from a researcher in the Netherlands. Her name is 349 00:24:15.920 --> 00:24:19.400 Ileana Samara. I like people to get credit for their work because dissertations are 350 00:24:19.680 --> 00:24:25.240 so hard. You know, in order to get your PhD in clinical psychology, 351 00:24:25.640 --> 00:24:27.680 you have to mount a research study, and a lot of students do 352 00:24:27.839 --> 00:24:30.720 small, quick, easy ones. But I was a dumb student and I 353 00:24:30.799 --> 00:24:36.359 did a whole longitudinal study where I followed one hundred pregnant women for a year 354 00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:41.079 and I looked at the relationship between their own romantic attachment style and their ability 355 00:24:41.160 --> 00:24:48.920 to breastfeed. My hypothesis was that those with a insecure attachment style or avoidant 356 00:24:48.920 --> 00:24:52.160 attachment style would be less likely to breastfeed. What I found out is that 357 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:56.720 people with an avoidant attachment style are less likely to sign up for such studies. 358 00:24:57.799 --> 00:25:02.680 So that particular group was small, but I did get to talk about 359 00:25:02.920 --> 00:25:07.359 the statistical significance of an instrument I made. When you think instrument, you 360 00:25:07.400 --> 00:25:10.880 think I took some fire and metal and made an instrument. No, it 361 00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:14.160 just means a test, a test that I made that had good reliability and 362 00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:18.079 validity. Anyway, So I'm reading this dissertation because it's right up my alley. 363 00:25:19.200 --> 00:25:25.000 It is about the kind of tricks our brains play on us. And 364 00:25:25.160 --> 00:25:29.799 some of the stuff that Samara did has been proven in other studies, but 365 00:25:30.880 --> 00:25:33.559 it was interesting to see what she did. She got a group of people 366 00:25:33.640 --> 00:25:36.759 together, ten men, ten women. That's good and manageable. You can 367 00:25:36.839 --> 00:25:41.200 do that, And over four sessions she had them do some different experiments and 368 00:25:41.319 --> 00:25:45.119 one was a speed dating experiment. And so she wanted to answer the question 369 00:25:45.839 --> 00:25:51.480 how do we form romantic bonds? Right? Does our brain really get us 370 00:25:51.519 --> 00:25:56.359 the best mate or does it perceive certain things as attractive and then we follow 371 00:25:56.440 --> 00:26:03.319 it? So she found duh, that people respond faster to attractive faces. 372 00:26:03.640 --> 00:26:07.799 She figured out this with the five minute speed dating thing, that if somebody 373 00:26:07.839 --> 00:26:11.480 had she showed all the guys and the girls the pictures ahead of time, 374 00:26:11.799 --> 00:26:15.039 so they knew, so she knew which ones they felt most attractive, and 375 00:26:15.079 --> 00:26:18.240 then when they saw them in real life, they're very quickly to respond. 376 00:26:18.359 --> 00:26:22.039 They're very animated. But here's an interesting thing about human nature. So when 377 00:26:22.079 --> 00:26:26.559 you meet somebody, did you know if you like them, you unconsciously mirror 378 00:26:26.680 --> 00:26:30.079 them. If they tilt their head, the other person tilts their head. 379 00:26:30.319 --> 00:26:32.640 If you know, put a hand on a hip, they'll put their hand 380 00:26:32.640 --> 00:26:34.400 on. They'll start watching that, and it means that they like each other. 381 00:26:34.519 --> 00:26:41.160 They'll mirror exactly what they're doing. With one interesting exception, if the 382 00:26:41.640 --> 00:26:44.359 well not really an exception. Think of it this way, the person. 383 00:26:44.680 --> 00:26:48.200 If the person's gaze goes to another direction, maybe they see something across the 384 00:26:48.319 --> 00:26:53.000 room, the other person will follow their gaze. Right, that's the indicator. 385 00:26:53.039 --> 00:26:56.119 I'll follow their gaze. We guess what, which she proved in her 386 00:26:56.160 --> 00:27:00.480 dissertation is not if they're looking at a really hot person, that really hot 387 00:27:00.559 --> 00:27:04.559 person can look at a fire happening across the room and the person won't take 388 00:27:04.599 --> 00:27:11.680 their eyes off the attractive person. They hold the gaze too long. This 389 00:27:11.880 --> 00:27:15.559 is the brain tricking you, tricking you into thinking it's just so lovely to 390 00:27:15.599 --> 00:27:21.960 stare at this person. Why look at anything else right now. The other 391 00:27:22.119 --> 00:27:26.279 thing, she asked, she was looking for something called the over perception bias. 392 00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:32.359 This has been proven in other studies too, so she basically after they 393 00:27:32.400 --> 00:27:36.960 did the speed dating thing, she and her colleagues asked all the participants, 394 00:27:37.079 --> 00:27:41.839 all the men and all the women, whether they had interest in the people 395 00:27:41.960 --> 00:27:48.079 they saw, and whether they thought that interest was mutual. And guess what. 396 00:27:48.960 --> 00:27:55.920 Men overestimated the likelihood that their date would want to see them again. 397 00:27:56.759 --> 00:28:00.599 You know, we have always known about this over perception by I often say 398 00:28:00.799 --> 00:28:06.640 it is largely responsible for many cases of sexual harassment in the workplace. Men 399 00:28:06.839 --> 00:28:11.720 are psychologically wired to think almost every woman is into them, literally like, 400 00:28:11.799 --> 00:28:14.680 oh, yeah, she wants to go with me. I can tell. 401 00:28:15.119 --> 00:28:19.200 Now you have to ask evolutionarily why this is. Think of it this way. 402 00:28:19.839 --> 00:28:25.880 Dudes have a hard life in heterosexual relationships. They have to find a 403 00:28:25.960 --> 00:28:30.799 woman they find attractive, although research has shown they find men find way more 404 00:28:30.839 --> 00:28:34.400 women attractive than women find men attractive. It's we're more selective on our side. 405 00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:37.920 But anyway, they find a woman who's attractive, then they have to 406 00:28:37.960 --> 00:28:41.079 have the guts to go and talk to her, and then they have to 407 00:28:41.119 --> 00:28:45.880 say the right thing that makes her not think like they're weird, and then 408 00:28:45.880 --> 00:28:48.400 they have to ask her out. That takes a lot of courage, It 409 00:28:48.519 --> 00:28:52.200 takes a lot of bravery. So mother Nature said, you know what, 410 00:28:52.319 --> 00:28:55.839 We're going to prime you by saying you know what, She's probably going to 411 00:28:55.880 --> 00:28:56.920 say yes, Just go for it. She's probably going to say yes. 412 00:28:57.279 --> 00:29:03.319 I call the over perception by it's called the sexual over perception bias, the 413 00:29:03.480 --> 00:29:07.599 thing that keeps one dude in the strip club too long. His buddies leave 414 00:29:07.880 --> 00:29:11.480 after the bachelor party and they're like, come on, dude, we gotta 415 00:29:11.519 --> 00:29:12.279 go, we gotta go. He'say, no, I want to wait till 416 00:29:12.279 --> 00:29:15.480 she gets off because I think she's really into me. Man, I think 417 00:29:15.559 --> 00:29:17.480 she really is. Look at her. Look how she's looking at me. 418 00:29:17.480 --> 00:29:18.359 I think she's in. They're like, no, she's there for the money, 419 00:29:18.400 --> 00:29:21.559 dude, No, no, no, really, I'm just gonna wait 420 00:29:21.599 --> 00:29:22.839 till she gets off. Okay, see what happens, right, And they 421 00:29:22.960 --> 00:29:26.640 leave and shrug their shoulders. But every once in a while there's a dude 422 00:29:26.640 --> 00:29:32.279 who thinks that way, and that's probably why women who are exotic dancers usually 423 00:29:32.319 --> 00:29:37.000 have someone walk them to the car, because there's one of those dudes out 424 00:29:37.000 --> 00:29:41.079 there. It's also sometimes sadly responsible for sexual harassment at the workplace. The 425 00:29:41.119 --> 00:29:45.440 guys will be like, but she, she gave me all those signals like 426 00:29:45.559 --> 00:29:48.039 I thought she was into me. I'm like, oh, my heart breaks 427 00:29:48.039 --> 00:29:51.839 for that nerdy guy who didn't know. A smile doesn't mean that we want 428 00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:53.599 to have sex with you. A smile just means we're in a good mood, 429 00:29:53.720 --> 00:29:56.559 or the sun is out, or we like the dress we're wearing that 430 00:29:56.720 --> 00:30:03.279 day. I don't know, like really guys, but that is how guys 431 00:30:03.440 --> 00:30:07.839 are wired. So obviously, the big limitation of this study is that the 432 00:30:07.920 --> 00:30:15.279 researcher only did heterosexual couples. Bisexual and homosexual couples get studied less often. 433 00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:21.400 But it's really interesting when some of that research does come out. So I 434 00:30:21.480 --> 00:30:23.559 want you to be careful when you're out there in the world when you're looking 435 00:30:23.640 --> 00:30:27.400 for love. Don't get stuck on the most attractive person in the room. 436 00:30:29.279 --> 00:30:32.920 Understand that they might not like you as much as you like them, and 437 00:30:33.119 --> 00:30:37.200 that you have to be able to handle rejection sometimes. Move on, find 438 00:30:37.240 --> 00:30:40.160 somebody in your league. You've got this. Hey, when we come back, 439 00:30:40.200 --> 00:30:42.160 I'm going to my social media to answer some of the questions that you 440 00:30:42.240 --> 00:30:47.440 guys have been sending me in your DMS. Love that you're listening to the 441 00:30:47.480 --> 00:30:51.559 Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the 442 00:30:51.599 --> 00:30:56.960 iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh. You can always hear 443 00:30:56.000 --> 00:31:00.720 us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm I'm on Sunday 444 00:31:00.960 --> 00:31:03.920 and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.