This episode brought to you by Cards against Humanity, who asked us not to
read a dad and so we won't. In lieu of that, Flora's got
some improvisational jazz poetry. Ding dinging ding dinging boo. NBA, NHL,
where do MLB? Do you out of your league? Baseball? We're sorry
Cards against Humanity, but thank you. I'm sorry jazz and in sports,
in sports. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to week two
of the twenty fifteen Masscrypture. Oh, I'm Dasteco and I'm David Flora,
and thank you for joining us as we parade a captivating cadra of carnivorous creatures
for your incredible eyes to see. Julia magnificent multitude mutated marsupials, some of
which aren't marsupials in the true sense of the term. Tonight, we have
three amazing, horrifying contestants. Some of them are quite alluring. You'll find
some of them people found quite alluring finably, and we will also announce the
winner, yes of week one, that's right, who took home the advancement
token. Who did this bachelor give a pointy rose to? Was it new?
Perhaps Nay, it was jack a Loo or could it have been coutable
pus. We'll find out. You'll find out at the end. And don't
forget to go on to the Blurry Photos homepage. Yes, vote, vote,
cast your vote into your name an email to win your very own golden
Goatman, of which there will definitely be one this year. This year there's
an actual golden goatman. I know, I said we weren't going to do
that anymore, but you're used to my lies by now. This week,
Dave, who are our lovely Asteris contestants? Oh, each of these elegant
Asteris ladies Asteris. They hail from all over the globe. From here in
the beautifully United States of America, the Wisconsin ho dag oh da. From
northern Georgia. That's Georgia, the country, not the state. Right on
the Russian border. We have Zanna the ape woman, a lovely firehead,
she beast, and from the altogether not very sunny and mostly rainy but sometimes
foggy plains of southern France, the beast of Jevaudan. That's right, got
us, We got us a fine French lady, a little bit of Eurasian
flair, Central Asian, the Russian George, what is that? Cossacks,
American Cossack, Cossack Laura, any good old cheese farm, and terror Um
Wisconsin. Yep, those those are our contestants this week, right, So
why don't we shut the fuck up and get right into us? Did you
hear what he says said? Shut the fuck up and get round into Sorry
children, all right, well, let's kick this thing off in high gear.
Ron with the Hodag. Hodagdag Flora. Tell them all about the Hodag.
Let's hear about the Hodag, a strange beast found mainly around Rhinelander,
Wisconsin. Rhinelander first seen by a man named Eugene Shepherd in eighteen ninety three
in the woods outside of Rhinelander, supposedly a resurrection of the restless spirit of
a dead lumber ox. The Hodag, reported by Shepherd, was a two
hundred pound seven foot long lizard like beast covered with horns. It was a
supernatural beast which in its first life took the form of an ox that belonged
to Paul Bunyan, whoa Upon its death, the ox was burned for seven
years to cleanse it of the profanity of its master. Yeah, see,
babe, the blue Ox didn't start that way, but Paul liked to work
a little blue in the leadershifts, and yeah, he transferred all of that
to the Ox. Later. That Ox was like dirtier than fifteen Richard Priors
on shore Leaf Richard Prior and a truck stop. Urinal Wall had a baby,
but seven years was not long enough. The soul of the Ox emerged
from the ashes in the shape of a hodag exuding a foul odor. Newspapers
reported that it had the head of a frog, the grinning face of a
giant elephant, thick short legs set off by huge claws, the back of
a dinosaur, and a long tail with bears at the end. Love it
a giant elephant, by the way. Yeah. Unable to capture it,
Shephard ended up blowing its sky high with dynamite. He roy shidered the thing.
The papers said it was the fiercest, strangest, most frightening monster ever
to set razor sharp claws on the earth. It became extinct after its main
food source, all white bulldogs and those only on Sundays, became scarce in
the area. Really, yes, it ate all white bulldogs only on Sundays.
It probably had two meals. Yeah, it proved to not be quite
extinct. For in eighteen ninety six, Shepherd gathered a group of lumberjacks and
bear wrestlers and cornered another hodag in its din. Whoa lumberjacks and bear wrestlers?
Now, oh yeah, let's see what did they do in the life
In the Wisconsin life cycle, where who comes first? Lumberjack or bear wrestler?
I think that you start as a lumberjack and become a bear wrestler.
I'll see the opposite, of course you would. Let's let's see what our
Wisconsin friends say. Yeah, which stage are you in? Friends? Yeah,
well, we have some great Wisconsin friends. We met a lot of
them last weekend. So using a chloroform sponge on a stick, he was
able to knock this one out just in time for the Oneida County Fair.
Oh lucky. Oh. He set up a tint and charged a dime of
you, and it was the most popular attraction of the fair. Dime that
was like twenty dollars back then a dime is quite a bit. Yeah.
As words spread, some scientists from the Smithsonian decided to come and have a
look. I love this part. He's all like, gather around, witness
the most tip. I'm sorry, who's coming? I'm fund the Smithsian.
Oh Um, can I talk? Can I talk to you really quickly?
I'm very sorry. This whole thing is just to take other people's money.
I can't I can't run a follo of this miss what. I'm sorry,
I can't hear you. I'm from the Smithsonian. I can't run a phone
of the Smithsonian. That's right. At that point, Shepard reluctantly admitted it
was all a hoax. Who would have thought aside from everybody. However,
the popularity of the Hodag could not be denied. You know, you can't
break the spirit of the Hodag, and it became the official symbol and mascot
of Rhinelander, Wisconsin. Rhinelander, that's a story of the Hodag. Yeah,
I dig that. I dag that is? Anybody? Is anybody out
there from Rhinelander? Or do you do you pass this thing? I'll bet
you bet your greg box's been there. I'll bet your box. I'm not
sure what part of the state that's in. Actually, I get to feeling
it's northern. Yeah, but I don't know. It's weird enough to be
remote. So that's that's the hodag for you. Look at the dance up
next, sachetting onto the platform, killing everything, mandibles, dripping blood,
put your hands together a little bit. The Beast of Javaudan. This is
a hell of a great story, so good that they actually adapted it into
the two thousand and one. I want to say Brotherhood of the Wolf,
which I own on DVD, because it's a great, fun, weird movie.
Yeah, it really, it's really cool outfits. I've always really liked
the costuming. The rain jacket with the collar that comes up to just below
your eyes. Yeah, I thought that was then the big brimmed hat.
Yeah, they made tricorn hats look awesome. Yeah, why can't the goths
get into that? I could get on board with that. I get a
little on tattoo somewhere if that's what was in the mix. Just saying,
but enough about movies. I've seen Flora. Do you know anything about this?
Oh, this is great, this is a this is creepy and real.
Yeah, this was a genuine story. Between seventeen sixty four and seventeen
sixty seven in the former province of Jevaudant, central France, in the mountains.
The populace was terrorized by strange, violent attacks by an unidentified beast or
beasts resembling a dire wolf. This thing apparently killed between sixty and one hundred
men, women, and children and injured many more. Right, that is
an enormously huge number for an animal attack. Yeah, and and and the
thing is that sixty to one hundred, that's that's like conservative, Like,
yeah, that's like the ones they're pretty darn sure. Yeah, and it
could be you know, as high as two hundred and by some accounts,
but I mean, like even the people who really did the research were like,
no, no, no, we really were careful on this one.
It was only sixty two one hundred. That is so many people in three
years. Yeah, man. So this thing was said to resemble a wolf,
about the size of a calf, with a wide chest and a large
toothy mouth. The color of the beast's fur was especially variable. Sometimes it
was red, sometimes red with a large gray patch, or red with faint
stripes along the back. Other Times it had black and white patches spotted over
its body with no trace of red. Rarely, it had colors or patterns
that didn't incorporate red, black or white, and one of them had a
lightning bolt. Yeah, one of them. In one account it had racing
stripes. Now that was when it was the fastest. One drive by chawing
saw so black, My friend, he has been chawed. It had a
long wolf or pig like snout lined with large teeth. The ears were small
and round, or maybe straight and pointy. They may have not been there
at all, or two feet long. Some reports at the time said it
were minds witnesses of a bear, hyena, wolf, and panther all advance.
The tail somewhat risembles the long tail of a panther, but it is
so thick and strong that the beast uses it as a wipe and knocking mean
anonomous down with it. Anyone struck by the tailor reports that it hits with
considerable force. The feet of the bit are the hardest to describe. Some
say it has cloven hoofs, or that each digit is tipped with a hoof.
Others says that they clause they're so heavy, thick and formidable that they
merely risenble holves. Oh oh, he was having fun with that. Report
brought to you by fromage. In the summer of seventeen sixty four. The
first attack occurred when fourteen year old Jan Boulet was killed and partially eaten.
Gross your gross. A few weeks later, unnecessary, a young shepherdess was
similarly killed, and a couple days thereafter another young girl killed. A few
days later, a fifteen year old cowherd was fatally wounded. Attacks like this
continued, and hysteria broke out among the population like it does. Yeah,
when there are when a mysterious giant beast is preying on the children. I
don't know, fourteen year old at that time, like middle age. That's
true. They were. They'd taken out a mortgage. They'd been voting for
seven years. Do not vote in rons may tell you a king. Supernatural
theories abounded, including the thought that the beast was a werewolf or perhaps a
shape shifting sorcerer. I like that one in January. No one did no
one say animal? Well, I think that was implied with werewolf. Dude,
the werewolf is different from a animal. All right, you're right,
okay. I can't get in the mind of eighteenth century French farmers. I've
tried in January of seventeen sixty five, a local name Jacques Portafe was all
named Jacques was attacked along with seven friends. Apparently they managed to drive the
beast away, and their story reached King Louis the fifteenth, who gave Jacques
some cash, a scholarship, and a promise that the crown would help find
him kill the beasts. Yeah. The other people in the group also,
which is kind of weird, Like, I like, was it an expedition
he was leading? I do not. It just feels like he just called
DIBs on ownership. So the king gave him three hundred and fifty livres and
then gave the rest of his party another three hundred fifty to split right,
And then he gets the scholarship. That yeah, he gets to be educated,
which is I don't know. I don't know what he this one up
from the mucky. Make him one of us and my pet now elevate him,
let him look down on those he once sawze equals. I don't know.
I wonder if this one was like the guest on of the Bunch though,
you know, yeah, maybe he probably like I mean, what do
you think he is up into Flora? Well, he probably ate two dozen
eggs for breakfast. So, I mean, how big you think he would
that would make it down. I'm gonna guess i'd say roughly the size of
bunch. He probably also was really good at persecuting harmless crackpots. What else
did he do? Well? You know, his exploits were many and varied.
But one thing I can't tell you from personal experience that every last inch
of him is covered with her. Wait, he's the one, He's the
one that's killing little girl. He is the beast Gaston Labette. No one
runs from the hunters, from kings like Gaston. No one kills teens like
Gaston. Oh okay, we're not gonna make this work on your clock,
so moving on, all right, that's a good way to put it.
We're not going to get this, this musical off the ground in time.
So the king promised that that, you know, they'd help track this thing
down. He hired professional wolf hunters and uh, the these uh, these
wolf hunters killed a number of wolves. I all say this. I like
that that they were um, pretty pretty rational about this. They didn't hire
witch hunters or anything. They were like, listening, guys, this this
looks like it looks like wolves, like big wolves. Maybe maybe particularly weird
wolves. But yeah, wolves, we're gonna we're gonna go with the wolf
hunters on this, which I enjoyed that part because I feel like, you
tell us you have a story like this happened in other parts of the world.
It doesn't, it doesn't go this directly. Yeah, and I'm sure
that stories were going around that were like the devil as attacking people, you
know, or well, like they said, were wolves, sorcerers or whatever
else. But you got all manner of supernatural stories. But you I think
there were enough attacks that that people were like, no, it's just a
big damn wolf, right, yep, yep, that's just vicious. Uh.
So these guys go out and then they kill a bunch of wolves.
But it wasn't until September that a guy named Francois Antoine killed a rather large
wolf, which survivors confirmed was indeed the beast. It was stuffed and sent
to Versailles, and Antoine won a lot of cash, titles and awards for
his bravery. Oh I'm sure that everything worked out fine. Yeah, nothing
ever, was there. There's no PostScript to that story of success. So
that is the but wait, there's more. Oh French snap sound yeah,
I'm gonna use that more often. Oh god, but wait, there's more.
There's more. In December, however, attacks resumed and dozens more died
thereafter. Way to go, how's one. How's that money spending now,
you dick? Yeah, I'd never heard that, you know, anything happened
to him after that. I mean, if I were the quick King,
I'd be like, wait a minute, refund porte, see who play monsieur.
It wasn't until June of seventeen sixty seven, two years later, that
the beast was finally killed for good by a local hunter named Jean Shastell.
He fired two homemade blessed silver bullets into it, thinking it was not a
werewolf but a vompire nice, and he killed it. Okay, so that
just undid my whole theory. Really, hey, guys, we rationally picked
the right. Nope, No, it's the guy who thought it was a
vampire that the chop done. But you know what when you when you shoot
for a vampire and hit giant wolf, you know, win win. Yeah.
It was said to have human remains in its stomach, and that's why
they think that this was the thing. Also, I guess the attack stopped
after that. So yeah, that is the end of the attacks. That's
it, is it? But wait, there's no more. Yeah, it's
not known what the beast was. Now this is this is trying to armchair
quarterback, this from twenty fifteen and say, you know, what's going on
in Lead? Why didn't they just use night vision goggles and GPS to track
the item? Then post would have told him what it was. I should
have posted selfies to interest. But if it wasn't just a huge wolf,
some people think it might might have been a hybrid, maybe even from Jean
Chestel himself. Yeah, perhaps one of his hunting dogs. He had a
red mastiff, and it's thought that maybe maybe it bred with a wolf or
something like that. Even and some people think it could have been a foreign
beast or a hybrid of another foreign beast and a wolf. It's it was
pretty wolf like, like wolf is in the pie somewhere right. It's just
like, what's the crust made of? You know, well, what's the
salt? I think the crust is made of wolf, the crust of the
wolf, and the filling is mastiff hyena or mastiff or line or it's a
weird way to talk about in animal what's the crust and what's the filling.
It's a weird way to judge, judge your co host on a podcast.
What kind of stupid analogy you doing? What your metaphors? Well, there
you go. If it was a cake, I'd frost it with wolf the
first layer high, second layer massif that middle part where they put something weird
vampire, I like. I like that they thought it was werewolf even though
it was attacking like days of Heart from from previous attacks. Now does does
does the werewolf in that part of the world? Is it attached to the
moon? I don't know that. Yeah, that's I guess that's something done
one day look into but not today from all I mean, from all werewolf
knowledge I have. That's that's a pretty central component of It's the two components
are man becomes wolf and uh man becomes wolf because there's a full moon.
Well, I mean there's three components. Okay, it's boy becoming man,
man becoming wolf, will wear wolf bar mitts, the spooky scary boys becoming
man, men becoming wolves. And there's also the core belief that you get
really good at basketball when it happens, is true, They never said anything
about him winning a championship. Well that was the predated basketball. They didn't
know. That's what they've been bred for. Keep calling me out, trying
to help your theory. Well there you there, you go. Um,
silver bullets brought it down. Yeah, any any bullets brought it down.
Silver bullets brought it down. But yeah, was it the bullet or wasn't
the whole the bullet made? I don't know. Yeah, you tell me,
Frenchie. That is the beast of Jevudan. Yeah, yeah, she's
beautiful. Take back to the dressing room. Reattached the muzzle. You'll be
glad you did. And now let's bring out our third contestant of the evening.
Oh, she looked so lovely in that dress with her largely overdeveloped and
muscular physique. That's that's not a dress, that's here. Oh, French
snaps ound. That's right. Our third contestant this evening is my friend Zannah.
Could be Zanna, don't know, don't know for sure, No one
knows for sure this Maybe her friend will write us and tell us, yeah,
uh, this is a really fun story. And this is also a
true historical tale. I like that we've got two of these in one.
It's true. I feel like maybe we should have spread them out a little
bit more. But do you light now? Do you light now? Zoops?
So this story is actually in the western Cacassus Mountains, I believe,
which at the time was called Khazia. And apparently these people no no of
this, this type of creature called an Abo. It just becomes a new
Zealand no. After that, just all weird vowels uh in other words,
an alma, right, yeah, I think so that's that's kind of the
the Russian or or the the Western Asian version of sasquash. Yeah. So
this this story starts like all stories, like all stories do. It starts
with the capture of Zana, who had been caught by hunters and maybe even
changed hands a few times before finally kind of washed up on the doorstep of
a of a nobleman named Edgi Ganaba, and he took her with him when
he left he was kind of passing through this region, took her back to
her home. They had to have her shackled up, chained and kind of
kind of locked her into a a kate in a fully enclosed area for three
years. Yeah, wasn't it like a pit? Well, it had a
dirt floor, and she would dig a hole for herself to sleep in.
It's how she preferred to sleep. After three years, she kind of mellowed
out a little bit and they changed it from like a fully blocked off enclosure
to sort of a I don't know. The account that I read called it
a wattle fence, which I think is just kind of a loose stick like
picket fence. Maybe. Yeah, I don't know what that means. I
could have looked it up, but I didn't call the Internet police. If
you're so tough about it. He said, well, what was zan or
what did she look like? At least? Um, there's just no way
of knowing that, Okay. So, so Zanna was very very tall,
very muscular, like six six right. Yeah. It mentions that she had
very developed breasts, very developed buttocks, like very big, powerful muscle groups
in the lower body, and she was covered and hair her hair. Her
skin was dark either it says either black maybe dark gray, And she was
just covered with reddish black hair. And she was kept kind of a way
from people for a while. But then they put her into this kind of
better enclosure sort of, but people could get to her, and of course
it's the locals of poker with sticks, and she'd freak out and get angry
and snarl at them. But they overtime taught her very simple tasks to perform.
She could collect firewood, she could remove her master's boots like little just
little things. I don't know. They would dress her, but she would
inevitably just destroy whatever she was wearing. Not intentionally, but she would just
run a muck through the woods and things like that and just not think about
it, so her clothes are just get ruined. She would also get incredibly
warm too, right, Yeah, well, I don't know if she was
I don't know if she herself was warm or if she just liked the cold.
She was very uncomfortable and really avoided warm room. Yea, she preferred
to be cold. She preferred to to dig these shallow holes in the ground
to sleep in. Um. And we'll come back to that, that cold
affinity later because it matters to the story. Other interesting things about her that
I forgot to mention before is that she had she could she could move her
toes very very far apart us. Also kind of towards the ape Simian direction,
but in her face was broad. She had a low forehead, high
cheek bones, and her nostrils also sort of ape like in that they were
turned outwards a little bit. She had things that she enjoyed. Once she
had kind of mellowed out to the point that they keep using the word tamed,
to the point that they she kind of was free to go as she
will. Um. She loved eating grapes. She loved fruit. She would
just just shimmy up trees, get as much and just eat until she couldn't
eat anymore. Just loved it, went nuts on it. And then that
she was like that about all food. She had um sort of a eat
everything you can while you can sort of disposition towards the availability of food,
and just would go crazy about it. She would like to She would play
with rocks a lot. She'd clank rocks together, break him um, which
I guess if you were thinking about it, you could say, well,
this is sort of maybe she's re replicating sort of a flint napping behavior,
maybe something like that. I don't know, but she liked it. She
lit up play with rocks. She loved to be cold. She would often
hang out in cold streams, one of her more comfortable places. She would
cover herself with mud and just lay in the mud with with like a cattle,
um, just just to stay cool. Hey guys, Hey, guys,
hell of a day. Huh you use all that mud? She loved
to swim um in a year round like the cold just didn't touch her.
She was completely okay with it. And that's in the freaking border of Russia.
Yeah, yeah, this is in a cold place in the winter.
Now, while all this was happening, while she had her kind of freedom
to move about, some other things were happening, and some never identified gentlemen
decided to avail themselves of this young lady. And she got pregnant a number
of times. Yeah, she had a lot of kids. And it took
them four kids to find this pattern. She would give birth to a child,
and then she would insist on washing the child in a cold spring water
and new more babies just couldn't handle it. Yeah, and so she lost.
She inadvertently killed four of her kids. And then they finally got wise,
which I don't want took him that long to they got wise to this.
Now, first of all, that means she keeps getting praised, So
that's you know, minimum thirty six months, you know, probably closer to
five years. Sure that this goes on, then she gets pregnant again,
and this time when she gives birth, they the locals, take the child
the way to be raised. So she had four more kids after they started
taking the children away. These kids were all completely normal human beings. There
was no no, no, no carryover phenotypically from her. There was there
was none of the hair, There was none of the broad features, any
of those kind of things. Yeah, they I think they had hints of
stuff. Yeah, but I mean, like I'm when I say, like
these kids would pass in society without a second look. You know, obviously
there's going to be something there. But like when you think, okay,
one human, one sasquatch, what's the middle ground? None of those things
you think would be in the middle ground were present. Right. They were
strongly built, they were kind of muscular kids. They had darker skin,
but you know, nothing that would really set them apart from society. They
could pass very easily. Nothing as far as hair goes, or any any
herosotism, which is when your body's covered with hair, and and these kids
Uh, the the younger son. Um lived until nineteen fifty four. Well,
um, you know they all reached you know, they died, but
you know, sixty five seventy years old. Um, they were you know,
they lived full, rich lives and everything was fine. So her kids
ended up having kids at their own. They sort of scattered. She died.
Zanna died in the town. She was buried in the family in the
cemetery plot, same the family cemetery plot as Edgy he was. She was
buried in the same family plot as Edgy. Um the the owner, right,
yeah, whatever, he was, Uh, the boss. So their
kids all scattered. Um. In the sixty nineteen sixty four an archaeologist decided
that he would try to find Zanna's grave and see, you know what,
what are we dealing with here? What's what is there? Uh? There
were several expeditions back they you know, and it's hard because they was a
huge burial mound, and a lot of time had passed and the few villagers
who knew the story were all very very old. Some of them said,
oh, you need to check underneath this tree. It turned out it was
one of them, one of the children that had died early and they found
like her son quit I think that's a quit. Yeah, they his grave
was still clearly marked. So they were able to find um. One of
her other daughters, I think it was called. Her name was gemessa Um.
They were able to find graves of her offspring, but they were never
able to find a grave that that contained remains consistent with how she was described.
And when they look at the skull of her kid, there are some
sort of proto hominid features to it, and so, you know, while
not as not as compelling a case as if had they had found the original
skeleton, but even the skeletons of her offspring carried with them a fair amount
of interesting unusual features that ledding credence to this story. But they never did
actually find the grave of Zanna herself. That's uh, it's nuts. It's
it's very interesting. And some of the videos that I watched, I went
to YouTube and just see to see what, you know, the Peanuts had
to say about it. Right, there were some videos that said that they
had done DNA evidence, and I don't know, they made it sound like
they had something from Zanna because they kept saying it was DNA that that conclusively
proved she was either not a Neanderthal but buzz from Sub Saharan Africa. I
did see that, I did, I did hear. I read a little
bit about that. Yeah, but like the Sub Saharan Africa link and and
and was um was either from from there or something something they don't know about,
Yeah, which is interesting of course that you know it's it's a video
on YouTube. Hey, yeah, came from something or some show. I
think it was an audio pulled from it. But one of the theories that
they had was that if she wasn't a straight up cryptod a a an ape
woman something yettish or yeah or sasquittic, that she might be a slave,
a straight up African slave that had been brought to the region and maybe the
locals felt bad about it once it was sort of at the tail end of
the slave trade or something, and maybe they didn't want to admit to still
somebody someone still having a slave. True. Yeah, however she got there,
you know, if she was from there, like, it wasn't a
legal practice or right legitimate thing. It wasn't done in her best interests,
so right, I can't see why I know it would be all that forthcoming
about it. Yeah, so yeah, it's it's it's very interesting and also,
like you said, the second one tonight where it's like, yeah,
this this one is a real, the real deal holy Field. Yes,
actually happened, provable and yet mysterious, terribly mysterious enough enough to be considered
a cryptid. Yeah, I think I because people don't know exactly what you
know, if the stories are true, they don't know exactly what she is
so exactly. So there you have it. There you have it. There's
Zanna and your three lovely cryptic ladies. Now we have the results you're voting,
and in true TV fashion, but first, punss when we come back
the shocking conclusion. But first first, how about but I have a town
in Wisconsin, Oh yeah, where the locals tried to make a new piece
of equipment for archery nice and it didn't work out for him. It failed.
It was it was kind of I don't know, kind of fake to
not there's there's too much going on with it, and some people who knew
what they were talking about called him out. Oh oh what happened? Well,
the town it became famous though for this, uh, this piece of
equipment that they tried to get and so the town is known for their bow
bag. Nice, I've got a really delicious punt. Uh in that in
that neck of the woods. Um. You know, there was a creature
that was found, uh in the middle of town, not out in the
woods, found in the middle of town. Found in town. Um,
actually in a bar, Greg back. It was Greg Bok. The legend
goes one man went into the bar and was like, what are you doing
here? The creature didn't say anything, and he's like, hey, what
are you doing here? The creature looked him straight in the eye and said
why didn't she? Vimy and jank, And thus the legend of the hoe
bag was born. It's so bad. I thought there was going to be
a component where he went into the bar with a chloroform sponge on his head,
that it would be better. Well, this wasn't good. This wasn't
that good. This wasn't that good. All right, Well I have I
have a fun story about a guy from France, La who liked to cook.
And it was funny. He had Irish ancestry, but he was he
was from France, really yeah. His name was John o'bann and um he
was he was good at cooking. But the thing is his meals were so
good and so rich, it ended up killing a lot of people, Oh
my god, in a short period of time before they figured out what was
going on. Well, what was going on? Well they figured it out
one when one night he invited a lot of people in town over to his
place. He cooked for them, and then they were all dead the next
morning from the feast of chef obaan nice that was really well done. I
smelled it just at the right moment, right before it came out of the
oven. I was like, oh there, I goes. Okay, I'm
double bunting. I'm just the worst, But this is what I've got right
now. Did you know that in central France there's a tiny town in the
mountains. Peace girl, there, I'm here a place in France in the
town there was. It was a little bar and had a really hard time
getting people to come in until finally one day a woman came in and she
was She was very tall, long, thick red hair, and powerfully built.
And the other thing they noticed was that she had a very powerfully built
buttocks, as well as other other attributes. Up top top, Jelvi,
you know what I'm saying there why and she would She would try to introduce
herself as Zona every time she came out on stage, but the guys they
were just staring. They weren't listening to her at all, because even after
after months of explaining what her name was, she was just known in the
area as the breasts of Javaudin. I feel like I got some part of
my soul for at least stitching two of them together into one narrative. But
I'll give you points still low too low grade misogynistic puns For that. I
can only offer the usual pun apology, and not just the one that comes
with each one. That's right, Oh, them's puns and ladies and gentlemen.
That's right. There are results from week one, Flora, you already
know the results. I don't know the results. So we'll play our usual
game. Okay, from week one, Dave's gonna guess it was Tablepus,
Zamu and Jackalope. I'm going Catablepus. Is there is there any reason that
you that you choose chose him her him one? Lots of uh, lots
of descriptions. It was fun to talk about it sounds like a big sad
eyore of a cryptid and uh, it's just fun to say catabolopus. Yeah,
I want to put it on a business card and say, Hi,
my name is Russell Catabolopus. It's really nice to meet you. How are
your guys doing for pet insurance? You guys all set there, You're you're
pets covered in case of pet problem. Well, I'll tell you what this
This one turned into a heck of a race. Nice. Oh, I
love it. Yeah, at first I didn't think. I didn't think.
I thought there was going to be a clear winner. Yeah, I feel
like it's going to be Catabolepus, Jackalope Zimu. That's how I feel like
it's gonna go. And then in the in the past few days. And
thank you so much if if you did vote, thank you. It's great
because it makes it. It makes its Yeah, it does. It makes
it feel like that matters. It was. It was a very close race.
And the fun thing is it was close between all three. Oh kick
ass. Yeah, but there can only be one. There can only be
one Highlander. The winner this week is the Highlander. It was a writ
and vote. Christopher Lamber again, I killed that Catablo called I'm Christopher Lambert,
the winner of Week one twenty fifteen Miss Scriptured Contest is We're back.
No, just is the Jackalope? Jackalope by how much? Five votes?
WHOA? But we had a lot of voting. Yeah, that's a that's
a really narrow margin. Yeah. I mean in the past we've had spreads
of ten or more, yep on on stuff. So for a spread of
just five sounds like quite a bit. But when you only got three forces
running, yeah, that's that's close. And that's that's it. That's your
winner. Jackalope moves on to the final round. Who this week, we're
gonna join the jack Lope in the circle of ambivalence to be elevated to the
sphere of celebrity. Will it be the ape woman, Zanna do? Will
it be the Beast of Gerard de Pardieu? Or will it be Hoopa Stankopa
stank? Charles Barkley isn't doing this? Oh stank Zenna do? What are
y'all gonna win? Are you gonna be a champion? Beasta cheff chefood beast
Chefyodi? That's right, Zanna, the Beast of Jevodon or the hoodag?
Who will win? That's so go ahead, I'll go to blurry photos dot
org. Right there on the home page is the survey that you fill out.
There's one bubble to click on your own which one you want to win,
and then if you want, you can enter your name and email address
to get in the drawing to win a miscrypted prize pack include a goaden goutman
of your own. Mmm. Remember you can vote once every week yep,
once a week, once a week for that week. You can't vote for
last for week one, we already know the winner. Yeah, it's done,
silly, it won't even be on there. So so why am I
even telling you? I don't know. So that's how you do it,
yep, So please do it and don't forget to follow us on Twitter,
like us on Facebook, five star us on iTunes, do some other stuff
on some other social media that we don't even know about yet, so that
when we when we do finally get to it, we'll be like, oh
my god, there's this beautiful garden waiting for for us. Tell tell your
friends to listen listen to us. Yeah, in general, tell them to
go and shut up, tell them to go and uh vote, you know,
and and if they don't want the prize pack. Just you know,
take it from them, say vote anyway and take it from Yeah, take
it from them. And then someone someone start the blurry photos tumblr. Someone
just do that. Just take the reins. Now you're on the team.
What. I don't even know what. I'm such an old to my point,
that's my point. I don't out. Then when we get there the
tumbling roller, we'll be up and running and we'll be so happy. Kinds
of Dave and David Pinterest hot fiction, snapch it. I don't know what
snapch it is. Well, if you're if you're a big, if you're
big into imjur, then uh tell everybody on m chair pass Yeah im jigger.
But nf BLib lab. That's week two. Ye that fifteen, miss
crypt Did I hope you liked me too? I've been David Laura. I
will continue to be Dave Stecco. We'll come back another week for you,
which sure will. We'll do it again. We don't jinx us. I
don't want to die in a fire. Okay me either, me either,
by everybody,