WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.000 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:08.599 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to 3 00:00:08.640 --> 00:00:12.480 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I Am six forty. You know, 4 00:00:12.720 --> 00:00:15.880 I have said over and over that I've been obsessed with the science of love 5 00:00:15.919 --> 00:00:20.120 for many, many decades. And you know, one of the reasons I 6 00:00:20.160 --> 00:00:27.160 started studying psychology is the same reason. Literally everybody takes their first psychology course 7 00:00:27.480 --> 00:00:31.320 to try to figure out themselves, of course, and I tell my first 8 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:37.600 year psychology students that, and then hopefully you do that in the confines of 9 00:00:37.600 --> 00:00:43.119 a therapist's office. But having the psycho education of learning about how we relate 10 00:00:43.159 --> 00:00:47.640 to each other can be very helpful as well. I myself used to have 11 00:00:47.719 --> 00:00:54.079 what I would call an anxious ambivalent attachment style. Anxious I was in love 12 00:00:54.159 --> 00:00:59.359 with hope, in love with someone's potential, longing, in love with longing, 13 00:01:00.079 --> 00:01:03.959 and I would be attracted to people who are very avoidant and distant and 14 00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:07.480 cold and unexpressive, and it was hard for me to get through to them 15 00:01:07.480 --> 00:01:14.200 because it would enlighten, enliven my feelings of longing, and I confused feelings 16 00:01:14.200 --> 00:01:18.920 of longing. All those quote unquote butterflies in my stomach were actually anxiety, 17 00:01:19.359 --> 00:01:23.439 and I confuse that with feelings of love. But here's where the ambivalent piece 18 00:01:23.480 --> 00:01:26.239 comes. When I did meet people with a secure attachment style, who could 19 00:01:26.239 --> 00:01:30.200 openly talk about their feelings, who could give care, who are sweet and 20 00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:34.599 kind, I would run away so fast. I would either do things to 21 00:01:34.680 --> 00:01:41.200 destroy the relationship or I would say, oh, he's too nice. Okay, 22 00:01:41.359 --> 00:01:44.000 it's supposed to be like too nice. That's not a problem. That's 23 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:48.000 supposed to be a good thing, right. So anyway, it took lots 24 00:01:48.040 --> 00:01:52.719 of therapy and lots of learning for me to eventually have a secure relationship, 25 00:01:52.760 --> 00:01:56.959 which I can't tell you how good it feels. And you know, I 26 00:01:57.000 --> 00:02:00.280 was saying this actually to my best friend on the phone this morning. Julio 27 00:02:00.319 --> 00:02:02.319 and I've been together almost three years, and I said, you know, 28 00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:09.199 I have intellectualized love and a secure attachment. I know the concept, I 29 00:02:09.240 --> 00:02:14.159 can explain it very well, but for the first time in my life, 30 00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:19.879 I actually feel it. I feel it in my body with the sense of 31 00:02:19.960 --> 00:02:23.719 relaxation I have when I'm with this person. I can literally feel my stress 32 00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:30.039 hormones decrease. I can literally feel like I can depend and trust that somebody 33 00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:32.599 will do what they say they're going to do. What a surprise, It's 34 00:02:32.599 --> 00:02:38.560 amazing. So one of the things questions I get all the time on my 35 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:42.599 you you can always send me messages on my social media because I do read 36 00:02:42.639 --> 00:02:46.960 out the questions online. I keep your identity a secret, so you can 37 00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:51.560 tell me anything on those dms on Instagram and I think producer Kayla, you 38 00:02:51.639 --> 00:02:53.120 go on there and pull them off from time to time, Oh yeah, 39 00:02:53.159 --> 00:02:57.560 every week. Yeah, And I read them here and there and put in 40 00:02:57.560 --> 00:03:00.719 a few words here and there, reminding everybody. I'm not a therapist. 41 00:03:00.759 --> 00:03:04.000 I don't have a license to practice therapy. I'm a psychology professor. But 42 00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:07.159 I'm a human being who's been through this and I'm happy to share my wisdom 43 00:03:07.199 --> 00:03:14.280 and my life experience. But one of the most common questions is is this 44 00:03:14.400 --> 00:03:17.759 normal? Should I stay or should I go? Is this okay? They 45 00:03:17.800 --> 00:03:23.960 did this, but I don't know right. And that's a classic example of 46 00:03:23.000 --> 00:03:30.879 somebody who doesn't have a secure attachment style. It means that I'm sorry to 47 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:35.199 use the psychobabble. But here's what they say. They call it an internal 48 00:03:35.400 --> 00:03:40.719 working model for love. Basically that means your idea for love is probably not 49 00:03:40.840 --> 00:03:47.280 very secure. So I want to go through some phrases that you might hear 50 00:03:49.240 --> 00:03:55.080 or hopefully you might say, that indicate that you're in an emotionally secure relationship 51 00:03:55.159 --> 00:03:59.560 or you're an emotionally secure person. And these phrases are not from me, 52 00:04:00.039 --> 00:04:02.159 They're from a former guest I've had on the show who I Loved Death. 53 00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:08.520 I have like a girl crush on her, Doctor Courtney Warren. Doctor Courtney 54 00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:13.719 Warren wrote the book Letting Go of Your ex cognitive behavioral Skills to heal the 55 00:04:13.759 --> 00:04:20.360 pain of a breakup and overcome love addiction. But she also writes about healthy 56 00:04:20.399 --> 00:04:25.600 love and happy love. And according to doctor Courtney Warren, here are some 57 00:04:25.639 --> 00:04:30.120 phrases that if you're saying them or hearing them, it's an indication that you're 58 00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:35.319 in an emotionally secure relationship or that you are emotionally secure. Here's she starts 59 00:04:35.319 --> 00:04:40.439 off with my favorite let me think about that before I respond, Oh, 60 00:04:40.480 --> 00:04:46.279 my goodness. Instead of being impulsive, instead of being defensive, actually stopping 61 00:04:46.319 --> 00:04:49.759 yourself, creating a little gap and say I need some time to think about 62 00:04:49.800 --> 00:04:54.560 that one. Let me get back to you on that right Or you might 63 00:04:54.600 --> 00:04:57.920 say I'm feeling super frustrated right now. I just need some time to myself, 64 00:04:58.600 --> 00:05:00.279 or I just don't have an answer right now. Can we revisit this 65 00:05:00.360 --> 00:05:08.319 later. This shows that you are not reactive and impulsive and defensive, but 66 00:05:08.399 --> 00:05:13.000 you can actually stop. Hey, what is being emotionally mature. It's taking 67 00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:18.000 your emotions and filtering through their prefrontal cortex, analyzing them, thinking about them, 68 00:05:18.120 --> 00:05:21.920 and coming up with healthy behaviors as a result. If you let your 69 00:05:21.959 --> 00:05:28.399 emotions lead, they may lead you to very unhealthy, reactive behaviors. So 70 00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:35.000 having that time is important. Number two nine phrases to show your most emotionally 71 00:05:35.000 --> 00:05:42.839 secure No. The word no isn't that amazing? Some people are afraid to 72 00:05:42.879 --> 00:05:46.079 say no. I'm very afraid to say no, so I will usually say 73 00:05:46.519 --> 00:05:49.560 I'm sorry, I can't do that. You know, if you followed me 74 00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:56.360 for years, you probably know that I was the person who spoke out in 75 00:05:56.439 --> 00:06:02.399 the New York Times in support of victims of sexual harassment at Fox News because 76 00:06:02.439 --> 00:06:06.319 I was sexually harassed by Bill O'Reilly and when he invited me to his hotel 77 00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:11.079 room. I didn't still didn't say no. I said, I'm sorry, 78 00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:14.879 I can't do that. That's my way. Look, Canadian got to apologize 79 00:06:14.920 --> 00:06:16.160 first. I'm sorry, I can't do that. Anyway. You can go 80 00:06:16.160 --> 00:06:19.360 online and read the whole story if you want to find out more, and 81 00:06:19.439 --> 00:06:24.839 you can also say thank you for your offer, but that doesn't work for 82 00:06:24.920 --> 00:06:27.879 me, or it's not something I like doing. It's okay to say that, 83 00:06:28.279 --> 00:06:32.920 right. No means you're emotionally secure. Along the same lines, you 84 00:06:33.000 --> 00:06:38.680 might say I'm not comfortable with that. I like to say that doesn't work 85 00:06:38.720 --> 00:06:43.399 for me, or my favorite is that's not my policy. Not my policy, 86 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:46.480 Like I have some internal policy. I'm a corporation, I have my 87 00:06:46.560 --> 00:06:50.040 rules. Go to HR that's my policy. I say that in personal relations, 88 00:06:50.120 --> 00:06:54.959 I'm not comfortable with that. And then when they start to belittle you 89 00:06:55.079 --> 00:06:58.279 because of your boundaries, you say, you know what, that's actually who 90 00:06:58.279 --> 00:07:01.319 I am and I'm proud of it. One example in my life. I 91 00:07:01.560 --> 00:07:05.560 know you won't be surprised by this. I often get criticized for being too 92 00:07:05.680 --> 00:07:12.720 verbal, too expressive, having too many honest opinions. Being strident is a 93 00:07:12.720 --> 00:07:15.639 word that I'm called all the time. And I used to say, oh, 94 00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:16.879 I'm sorry, I'll try to be quieter, and I tried to, 95 00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:21.000 you know, take my light and dim it down. But not anymore. 96 00:07:21.560 --> 00:07:25.319 I say, you know, that's actually who I am. I'm an extrovert. 97 00:07:25.360 --> 00:07:29.279 I process externally and I'm pretty proud of it. And I'm honest to 98 00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:33.399 a fault. Yeah, I'm honest to a fault. Here's another sentence that 99 00:07:33.439 --> 00:07:39.199 emotionally mature people sometimes say, really, am I like that? Or do 100 00:07:39.240 --> 00:07:42.920 I do that? Oh? We can take a moment and understand ourselves and 101 00:07:43.519 --> 00:07:46.759 get good feedback from people be able to accept criticism. It might sound like, 102 00:07:47.120 --> 00:07:49.639 oh, I didn't realize I do that that often. Thanks for letting 103 00:07:49.680 --> 00:07:53.879 me know. Wow, I guess I really do. You know? When 104 00:07:53.879 --> 00:07:57.079 I first started doing radio, I got a call from one of the bosses 105 00:07:57.079 --> 00:07:58.839 saying, you know what you do too much? You say, by the 106 00:07:58.839 --> 00:08:03.680 way, too much. I was really cautious and conscious about it for a 107 00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:07.680 while, and now I think I've gone back to saying it all the time. 108 00:08:09.240 --> 00:08:11.399 But anyway, I said, thanks for the feedback. You might say, 109 00:08:11.720 --> 00:08:16.639 I'll work on that to let them know that you have an ability to 110 00:08:16.720 --> 00:08:20.839 change. All right, I have a few more phrases that people say in 111 00:08:20.920 --> 00:08:24.199 healthy relationships when we come back, and then I'm going to go on to 112 00:08:24.279 --> 00:08:28.040 social media and I am going to be answering your relationship questions with my drive 113 00:08:28.120 --> 00:08:33.080 by makeshift relationship Advice. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on 114 00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:39.320 kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're 115 00:08:39.399 --> 00:08:46.120 listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am six forty. Welcome 116 00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:48.159 back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I Am six forty. We're 117 00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:52.679 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Before I go to my social media and 118 00:08:52.759 --> 00:08:56.679 answer some of your questions, I just want to continue with some of these 119 00:08:56.759 --> 00:09:01.600 phrases that doctor Courtney Warren, the author of is it called Getting Over your 120 00:09:01.639 --> 00:09:07.519 X? Letting go of your X, talks about this is what a healthy 121 00:09:07.559 --> 00:09:13.639 relationship should look like. These are the words you should be accustomed to hearing. 122 00:09:13.960 --> 00:09:16.320 These are the words you should be comfortable saying. If you have a 123 00:09:16.360 --> 00:09:20.799 secure attachment style, if you have a healthy relationship. So I mentioned earlier, 124 00:09:20.799 --> 00:09:24.399 you might say, if somebody offers criticism. Am I oh am, 125 00:09:24.440 --> 00:09:26.399 I like that. I didn't realize I did that, or and then I 126 00:09:26.440 --> 00:09:31.519 will work on that. And here's a great way to say it. It 127 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:35.399 sounds like that's really important to you. I'm going to try to do that 128 00:09:35.440 --> 00:09:41.080 differently. I'm going to try to change because you're acknowledging their feelings. It 129 00:09:41.080 --> 00:09:46.360 sounds like that's really important to you. Right, And then if somebody is 130 00:09:46.440 --> 00:09:50.039 dumping on you with all their problems from the day, you want to be 131 00:09:50.080 --> 00:09:54.000 able to say, I'm really sorry you're struggling. How can I help? 132 00:09:54.759 --> 00:10:00.519 Would you like me to listen or do something? You see God, listen 133 00:10:00.559 --> 00:10:05.679 closely, because here's the problem. You have fabulous problem solving brains, and 134 00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:09.039 when women vent about their day, you are so quick to tell, well, 135 00:10:09.039 --> 00:10:11.080 you should do this, and you should call the person you should and 136 00:10:11.080 --> 00:10:15.279 you problem solve. We don't actually want you to solve the problem because we're 137 00:10:15.320 --> 00:10:18.480 busy solving the problem. And the way we solve the problem is we communicate 138 00:10:18.519 --> 00:10:22.960 it to others while our brain is sorting it out. And so being a 139 00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:24.919 good listener and just saying, oh, I'm sorry you're struggling with that. 140 00:10:26.679 --> 00:10:28.240 Do you want me to just listen or let me know if you want some 141 00:10:28.279 --> 00:10:33.000 suggestions for help, Just ask the question, which do you want? Because 142 00:10:33.559 --> 00:10:35.559 sometimes we'll stop in our tracks and go no. Just listen, okay, 143 00:10:35.639 --> 00:10:41.080 just listen, and no matter what, don't dismiss the feelings. If somebody 144 00:10:41.159 --> 00:10:45.519 says I'm feeling so hurt by this, don't say no, you're not. 145 00:10:45.879 --> 00:10:46.919 You had all these other people with you. What do you mean you are 146 00:10:46.960 --> 00:10:52.000 feeling lonely? La ba ba. Don't say that. That's dismissive and that 147 00:10:52.159 --> 00:10:58.519 hurts more. Say I'm sorry you're struggling. How can I help? Here's 148 00:10:58.519 --> 00:11:03.200 another phrase that come up in secure attachments all the time. This really matters 149 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:09.399 to me. I really care about this, even if you don't. So 150 00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:15.759 this is important because this is where you're letting your partner know about your very 151 00:11:16.000 --> 00:11:20.240 solid boundaries, your very solid values. This is really important to me. 152 00:11:20.600 --> 00:11:24.840 Okay, if you find out, I don't know, what can we make 153 00:11:24.919 --> 00:11:31.440 up here, that your partner litters cheats on their taxes, whatever, you 154 00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:33.679 might be able to say, look, I don't think you're acting unethical, 155 00:11:33.720 --> 00:11:39.000 but I can't stand here and watch this. This is really important to me. 156 00:11:39.480 --> 00:11:45.399 This bothers me, and then you move away from the situation. Finally, 157 00:11:46.240 --> 00:11:52.200 emotionally secure, people are happy to say the words i'm sorry, I'm 158 00:11:52.279 --> 00:11:54.799 sorry. Not in that way like I just said, well, i'm sorry. 159 00:11:54.919 --> 00:11:58.759 If you don't they like, manh no, but literally, gosh, 160 00:11:58.799 --> 00:12:03.399 I didn't know you felt that way. I'm so sorry I hurt you. 161 00:12:03.080 --> 00:12:09.000 That's all you need to do. But it becomes a competition. So often 162 00:12:09.320 --> 00:12:13.120 people are worried that somebody has to be a winner, and that means somebody 163 00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:16.799 else is a loser, or that they're weak. If they say they're sorry, 164 00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:18.440 no, I'm sorry, it is the most powerful phrase you can ever 165 00:12:18.600 --> 00:12:22.679 say in a love relationship, So get used to saying it. As my 166 00:12:22.679 --> 00:12:26.279 little brother said, who's had a very successful marrior too, very successful marriages? 167 00:12:26.600 --> 00:12:28.559 He said, why don't you get married? Guys? You just need 168 00:12:28.559 --> 00:12:33.279 to learn how to smile and nod. Smile and nod. That's good advice 169 00:12:33.320 --> 00:12:37.200 too. All right, let us go to your questions. I am opening 170 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:41.399 up Instagram looking at my DMS. Let's see what you are sending me today. 171 00:12:41.200 --> 00:12:45.799 Reminder, this is my drive by makeshift relationship advice. I do have 172 00:12:45.799 --> 00:12:50.200 a PhD in clinical psychology. I've written three books on the science of Love. 173 00:12:50.679 --> 00:12:54.600 I did my dissertation on attachment theory, but I do not have a 174 00:12:54.639 --> 00:12:58.879 license to practice. I've just been a patient in therapy for years and years 175 00:12:58.919 --> 00:13:01.679 and years, So boy have I learned a lot. Okay, Dear doctor 176 00:13:01.720 --> 00:13:07.240 Wendy. My partner criticizes everything I do. This is from It looks like 177 00:13:07.279 --> 00:13:11.360 a guy account, a gay account, guy account. I thought she was 178 00:13:11.360 --> 00:13:16.559 helping me grow at first, but now I feel like I can't do anything 179 00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:20.000 right. She's a perfectionist and it's starting to be expected of me. I 180 00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:24.399 love her, but she's making me feel insecure. Okay, I want to 181 00:13:24.399 --> 00:13:26.960 stop and say a couple of things. First of all, nobody can make 182 00:13:26.200 --> 00:13:30.639 you have a feeling. Now, we can make you feel a certain way. 183 00:13:31.159 --> 00:13:35.679 So you've chosen to feel insecure as your reaction to her constant criticism. 184 00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:41.399 Now, her perfectionism is probably anxiety. It may be anxiety about, you 185 00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:45.279 know, just socially valuative threat. She needs to look good, you know, 186 00:13:45.440 --> 00:13:48.799 everything, you have to keep up with the Joneses, and everything's got 187 00:13:48.799 --> 00:13:50.960 to be perfect, the house, the kids, the car, whatever. 188 00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:56.000 Or she just has like kind of OCD kind of anxiety, like everything has 189 00:13:56.039 --> 00:13:58.679 to be neat and organized, and you can't make a mess or what have 190 00:13:58.799 --> 00:14:03.840 you. I would say, rather than focusing on the content of what she's 191 00:14:03.879 --> 00:14:09.840 saying, zoom out, step back, and comment on the overall dynamic. 192 00:14:11.799 --> 00:14:16.879 So you might say something like, I notice that you criticize my behavior a 193 00:14:16.960 --> 00:14:22.159 lot, and I'm wondering, why leave it open like that? And she's 194 00:14:22.159 --> 00:14:24.600 going to say, yeah, because you're never in you leave mess here and 195 00:14:24.639 --> 00:14:28.519 you leavent there. And then you're going to say, and I'm wondering why 196 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:33.960 that gives you so much anxiety? Try to help her under have some insight 197 00:14:33.159 --> 00:14:39.840 into what she's doing and experiencing without getting into a tit for tat of No, 198 00:14:39.960 --> 00:14:43.799 but I don't always leave my dirty socks out, not always, sometimes 199 00:14:43.799 --> 00:14:46.840 I do, and then you're like into this tit for tat about the content. 200 00:14:46.519 --> 00:14:52.159 So instead of the content, comment on the overall dynamic. I'm noticing 201 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:58.399 that you are criticizing me quite a lot. I'm wondering what that experience is 202 00:14:58.399 --> 00:15:01.080 like for you. Yeah, maybe she's having an experience you need to hear 203 00:15:01.120 --> 00:15:05.799 more about. I'd like to share with you my experience of that. I'm 204 00:15:05.799 --> 00:15:09.799 wondering if I'm good enough for you these times, right, just comment, 205 00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:18.120 don't get into the nitty gritty talk about the overall dynamic. Oh here's a 206 00:15:18.200 --> 00:15:24.000 question I hate to read. Dear doctor Wendy, I finally realize that I'm 207 00:15:24.039 --> 00:15:30.960 an addict and I have addiction issues. How do I tell my boyfriend of 208 00:15:31.159 --> 00:15:37.200 three months WHOA Well, you need to reach out to AA. First of 209 00:15:37.240 --> 00:15:43.360 all, you need to reach out for addiction help right away, and they 210 00:15:43.360 --> 00:15:46.600 will tell you that when you're in recovery, you probably shouldn't have a relationship 211 00:15:46.639 --> 00:15:50.840 for the first year. You're not in your right mind. And maybe he 212 00:15:50.879 --> 00:15:56.480 met you when you were the fun party girl, partly because it was fueled 213 00:15:56.480 --> 00:16:00.440 by drugs or alcohol, and so when you become your sober self, he 214 00:16:00.519 --> 00:16:03.559 might not be attracted to you, and you don't want that to trigger you 215 00:16:03.679 --> 00:16:08.639 to drink more. I know. So I think you need to just sit 216 00:16:08.759 --> 00:16:11.799 him down. Don't do it on the phone, don't do it by text, 217 00:16:11.799 --> 00:16:15.919 don't do it by email. In person, you need to tell him. 218 00:16:17.399 --> 00:16:19.720 You need to say those words I'm an addictor I'm an alcoholic. I'm 219 00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:23.120 going to seek treatment. If you want to stay around for this, that's 220 00:16:23.159 --> 00:16:27.679 great. If not, I totally understand it's only been three months. Okay, 221 00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:30.639 you guys don't even have a secure attachment. It's way too early. 222 00:16:32.360 --> 00:16:36.600 But you need to get the help for yourself. You need to reach out 223 00:16:36.639 --> 00:16:42.159 to medical and psychological services so that you can heal and become whole. When 224 00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:45.240 we come back, I'm going to continue to answer your relationship questions. You 225 00:16:45.279 --> 00:16:49.039 are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I AM six forty. 226 00:16:49.080 --> 00:16:55.879 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio appe You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand 227 00:16:56.159 --> 00:16:59.759 from kf I Am six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. 228 00:17:00.360 --> 00:17:03.119 I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. If 229 00:17:03.119 --> 00:17:07.519 you'd like to send me a relationship question on social media, send me a 230 00:17:07.599 --> 00:17:14.079 DM on Instagram, TikTok YouTube. The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh 231 00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:18.160 at Dr Wendy Walsh. Reminder, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. 232 00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:22.599 I'm a psychology professor. I've written three books on relationships. My dissertation is 233 00:17:22.599 --> 00:17:26.720 on attachment theory. But I'm not a therapist. I don't have a license. 234 00:17:26.119 --> 00:17:30.200 I call this my drive by makeshift relationship advice because I've been there, 235 00:17:30.599 --> 00:17:36.559 I've had the experience. All right, let's go to Instagram. Here we 236 00:17:36.599 --> 00:17:41.359 go. Dear doctor Wendy, I don't feel the spark everyone speaks of. 237 00:17:41.920 --> 00:17:45.920 I never have. I've been with my guy for four years and I've never 238 00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:51.039 felt that spark. Am I broken? Or have I not found my real 239 00:17:51.160 --> 00:17:56.519 person yet? Well, let us analyze what a spark is. I don't 240 00:17:56.640 --> 00:18:04.519 know what you think us spark is, and I'm wondering if you are actually 241 00:18:04.519 --> 00:18:10.559 saying I've never had that huge rush of hormones in my stomach that feel like 242 00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:15.079 butterflies, like the movies say you feel when you fall in love with somebody. 243 00:18:15.519 --> 00:18:18.920 Well, news flash, most people don't feel that, only if they 244 00:18:18.920 --> 00:18:22.640 have an anxious attachment style and they're being triggered. Yes, there is a 245 00:18:22.720 --> 00:18:27.000 hormone rush at the beginning of falling in love, but it doesn't last very 246 00:18:27.039 --> 00:18:33.240 long, and certainly it doesn't last four years. It should meld into feelings 247 00:18:33.240 --> 00:18:41.440 of comfort, safety, security, peace, relaxation. That's called a healthy 248 00:18:41.480 --> 00:18:48.279 relationship. You are not broken, But I'm wondering if four years into this 249 00:18:48.480 --> 00:18:52.839 relationship, you're saying you're wondering why you never felt the spark is actually your 250 00:18:52.880 --> 00:18:59.359 relationship is probably transforming, as all relationships do. Long term monogamy is filled 251 00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:04.759 with phase and stages, and when people talk about the work of love and 252 00:19:04.880 --> 00:19:11.160 the work of relationship, it means creating novelty, doing different things together, 253 00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:15.240 seeing your partner in a different light. If you're spending too much time together, 254 00:19:15.480 --> 00:19:19.319 spending some time separately so you can bring new energy and new stories into 255 00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:23.400 the relationship. If you're spending too much time part spending more time together, 256 00:19:23.759 --> 00:19:30.200 scheduling sex making, creating new and novel experiences for each other. That's how 257 00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:34.880 you create the spark. But don't rely on romcoms and romantic novels as your 258 00:19:34.920 --> 00:19:40.480 definition of love. They're the same as what pornography is to definitions of sex. 259 00:19:40.559 --> 00:19:45.319 It's not real. That's not how it goes. Dear doctor Wendy. 260 00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:52.119 I was going through my girlfriend's phone. Oh oh, Should we stop right 261 00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:56.279 there or should I continue? I was going through my girlfriend's phone and I 262 00:19:56.440 --> 00:20:03.400 found an old sex video where she was having sex with two guys at the 263 00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:07.680 same time. I was so hurt that she was that girl. She never 264 00:20:07.759 --> 00:20:11.599 told me about her past. She always acted like a good girl. I 265 00:20:11.680 --> 00:20:15.400 don't want to bring Oh dude, I have to just pull you off this 266 00:20:15.599 --> 00:20:18.799 train. I don't want to break up with her, but I also can't 267 00:20:18.839 --> 00:20:22.920 look at her the same. What do I do? Okay, let's start 268 00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:26.000 with invasion of privacy? What the heck were you doing looking in her phone? 269 00:20:26.319 --> 00:20:29.799 None of your beeswax? All right? And her past is her past, 270 00:20:29.839 --> 00:20:30.559 and she's allowed to have her past, and she's allowed to be her 271 00:20:30.559 --> 00:20:34.680 person, just like you are allowed to have body autonomy in your sex life 272 00:20:34.680 --> 00:20:38.160 if you want to. You can't betray her and have new partners without her 273 00:20:38.160 --> 00:20:41.400 consent. But if you want to go into the confines of your own bathroom 274 00:20:41.480 --> 00:20:45.400 or bedroom with the door locked and do any freaky thing with your own body, 275 00:20:45.440 --> 00:20:48.000 you're allowed to. You're allowed to. That's body autonomy. She's allowed 276 00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:52.720 to have body autonomy too. Now let me quote evolutionary psychologist who would tell 277 00:20:52.759 --> 00:20:59.640 you that every man, ladies listen closely evolved to have a heightened sense of 278 00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:04.880 sexual jealousy because in our anthropological past, any partner that he had who was 279 00:21:04.920 --> 00:21:10.680 sharing her eggs with the tribe, he might have ended up raising another man's 280 00:21:10.759 --> 00:21:15.759 genes, giving his time, talent, and treasure to another man's genes. 281 00:21:15.240 --> 00:21:18.799 So as a result, those dudes, by the way, fell out of 282 00:21:18.799 --> 00:21:21.400 evolutions chains, the one that says, go knock yourself out, whatever you 283 00:21:21.400 --> 00:21:22.720 want to do, hook up with whatever, honey, I'll be back later. 284 00:21:23.480 --> 00:21:27.400 They fell out of evolutions chain. But it was a guy who said, 285 00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:30.920 where are you going? Who are you with? What have you been 286 00:21:30.920 --> 00:21:34.680 doing? Who's here today? Those are the genes that are dominant. It 287 00:21:34.839 --> 00:21:40.599 is hard wired. It's not an invention of patriarchy. It's hardwired in men's 288 00:21:40.720 --> 00:21:45.200 sexual psychology. Now times have changed, we're having to adapt to environment. 289 00:21:45.519 --> 00:21:51.119 Patriarchy is is falling apart, being disassembled. Women have birth control. They're 290 00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:55.759 enjoying the pleasures of their body. They're protecting themselves from STIs by using condoms. 291 00:21:55.799 --> 00:21:59.799 They are having birth control, and they're enjoying their sex life. Look 292 00:21:59.799 --> 00:22:03.359 it, if you believe the sexual double standard is real, the one that 293 00:22:03.480 --> 00:22:10.680 gives men points for sexual experience and gives women demerit points for the same sexual 294 00:22:10.720 --> 00:22:15.799 experience, You are deluded. Okay, do you know who all those men 295 00:22:15.880 --> 00:22:19.599 with all that sexual experience have been having sex with pere women? All right, 296 00:22:19.799 --> 00:22:25.079 It's not like there's one tiny group of promiscuous women who are servicing the 297 00:22:25.200 --> 00:22:27.960 whole herd of men and having way more sex than any man ever would No, 298 00:22:30.240 --> 00:22:33.519 every woman and every man of the same age, for the most part, 299 00:22:33.640 --> 00:22:36.880 are having sex at about the same rate, some more often than others. 300 00:22:37.119 --> 00:22:42.960 Okay, so you hurt yourself. You went into her phone. Why 301 00:22:44.599 --> 00:22:48.440 because you are feeling jealous, You are feeling abandoned. You wanted to you. 302 00:22:48.720 --> 00:22:52.519 This is how an anxious attachment style works. The healthier way to say 303 00:22:52.519 --> 00:22:56.440 this, to deal with this would be have to said to her, honey, 304 00:22:56.480 --> 00:22:59.920 I feel like we're losing our closeness and I'm worried that maybe you're dating 305 00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:03.359 other people. Can we find a way to get back into relationship. Can 306 00:23:03.359 --> 00:23:07.000 we find a boy to get closer again? And then you wouldn't have had 307 00:23:07.039 --> 00:23:10.799 to go into her phone and risk hurting yourself. So you've got to do 308 00:23:10.839 --> 00:23:15.440 the emotional work yourself. She did nothing wrong. You did a lot wrong. 309 00:23:15.880 --> 00:23:18.640 Now you hurt yourself and you say things like I can't look at her 310 00:23:18.680 --> 00:23:22.599 the same way. We'll get over a dude. You're gonna have to learn 311 00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:27.400 to look at her as a multi faceted human being. Oh, yea yea 312 00:23:27.559 --> 00:23:33.640 yea yea. Dear doctor Wendy, this guy that I've been having a sneaky 313 00:23:33.720 --> 00:23:37.240 link with, I know what a sneaky link is. I learned because Kayla 314 00:23:37.319 --> 00:23:41.400 taught me. You're so hip, doctor Wendy. It's a side piece. 315 00:23:41.359 --> 00:23:45.319 It's a little hook up on the side hook up, a low key hook 316 00:23:45.400 --> 00:23:47.640 up, low key hook up. Yeah, it does be single and still 317 00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:51.000 be sneaky Lincoln single and sneaky link. You could yeah, you could think 318 00:23:51.079 --> 00:23:52.799 both, like not be dating anybody else, but nobody knows that you guys 319 00:23:52.839 --> 00:23:55.960 are dealing with each other. Oh, it's like a friend with benefits. 320 00:23:56.160 --> 00:23:57.559 Yeah yeah, yeah, there you go. Okay, So this guy have 321 00:23:57.599 --> 00:24:02.799 been sneaky linking with its verb now for three months, has asked me on 322 00:24:02.880 --> 00:24:04.599 a date. I don't want to date him, but I still want to 323 00:24:04.599 --> 00:24:07.519 hook up with him. How do I tell him I don't want anything more. 324 00:24:08.279 --> 00:24:11.920 You need to be brutally honest because you cannot lead him on. Okay, 325 00:24:11.960 --> 00:24:15.079 that's terrible. You need to Actually you should break it up. That's 326 00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:18.960 my opinion, because now that you know he has feelings for you, he's 327 00:24:18.960 --> 00:24:22.319 going to be hurt and triggered every time you have a sexual encounter, he's 328 00:24:22.359 --> 00:24:27.200 going to be longing, so please do him a good solid and break up 329 00:24:27.240 --> 00:24:30.519 with him. Tell him I'm sorry, you've developed feelings and I haven't, 330 00:24:30.799 --> 00:24:33.559 and I don't want to mislead you, so let's not seach you. He'll 331 00:24:33.599 --> 00:24:36.559 go no, no, no, let's get together for the six and you're 332 00:24:36.559 --> 00:24:38.920 gonna have to say no because you have more power than he does in this 333 00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:44.519 relationship. Right now, he doesn't have power because his feelings and hormones are 334 00:24:44.519 --> 00:24:48.079 all wound up. That's my take, all right. When we come back, 335 00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:51.200 we're into the home stretch of The Doctor Wendy Walls Show, I want 336 00:24:51.200 --> 00:24:53.319 to talk about something that I teach in my health psychology class. If you 337 00:24:53.400 --> 00:24:56.160 are over the age of sixty, as I know a whole chunk of our 338 00:24:56.279 --> 00:25:02.640 listeners are, I want you to listen up because there's a new epidemic happening 339 00:25:03.039 --> 00:25:04.799 in your social circle, and I'm going to tell you how to spot it. 340 00:25:06.240 --> 00:25:08.279 You are listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I am six 341 00:25:08.400 --> 00:25:11.759 forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Right now, let's go 342 00:25:11.799 --> 00:25:17.519 to the twenty four hour KFI Newsroom. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on 343 00:25:17.680 --> 00:25:22.119 demand from kf I Am six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls 344 00:25:22.200 --> 00:25:26.200 Show on KFI AM six forty. We are in the home stretch of the 345 00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:32.599 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I want to talk about something that my students are 346 00:25:32.680 --> 00:25:37.400 always shocked when I bring it up as a you know, I teach developmental 347 00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:41.200 psychology and I teach health psychology, and I bring it up in both classes. 348 00:25:41.200 --> 00:25:45.119 In developmental psychology, I bring it up in the late adulthood stage, 349 00:25:45.319 --> 00:25:52.039 and I also bring it up in my health psychology class on when we're talking 350 00:25:52.160 --> 00:26:00.319 about addiction and the epidemic that has continued to grow in our culture is something 351 00:26:00.440 --> 00:26:11.359 called late onset alcoholism, and it is defined as alcoholism that comes on after 352 00:26:11.400 --> 00:26:15.440 the age of sixty five. These might be people who were social drinkers most 353 00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:18.920 of their life, not heavy drinkers at all. Some of them were not 354 00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:26.440 drinkers and might have stepped into it. And let's think about situationally, what 355 00:26:26.519 --> 00:26:30.920 happens so you're retired, not a lot to do with your day, and 356 00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:33.640 by the way, that's not the thing to do to live long when you're 357 00:26:34.319 --> 00:26:41.359 supposed to retire and take up amazing hobbies and charitable organizations and work for political 358 00:26:41.440 --> 00:26:45.640 organizations and get really involved as guardians of the culture. Right, those are 359 00:26:45.640 --> 00:26:51.440 the people who have very successful, healthy, long lives. This idea of 360 00:26:51.480 --> 00:26:55.960 sitting in a rocking chair or looking at Netflix all day long is not good 361 00:26:55.960 --> 00:26:59.359 for you. It's going to shorten your life expectancy. You gotta get out 362 00:26:59.400 --> 00:27:03.519 there. Why a lot of people keep one foot in their career part time, 363 00:27:03.799 --> 00:27:06.720 you know, they're mentoring, they're in one day a week. That's 364 00:27:06.839 --> 00:27:11.839 ultimately the way to do it. So that's one of the factors. Just 365 00:27:11.880 --> 00:27:17.079 too much time on their hands and no social world saying don't you know, 366 00:27:17.440 --> 00:27:18.839 like I guess when you're working, is supposed to wait till at least five 367 00:27:18.839 --> 00:27:22.799 o'clock to drink. Remember that whole saying it's five o'clock somewhere, right, 368 00:27:22.599 --> 00:27:26.880 there's no one saying that you don't have to wait till after work. There's 369 00:27:26.880 --> 00:27:30.759 no work, right, so there's time on your hands. There's no social 370 00:27:30.799 --> 00:27:34.640 pressure to not drink. And it might start with oh. And one other 371 00:27:34.680 --> 00:27:41.799 factor is that now people are on medications, and taking medications may mean that 372 00:27:41.920 --> 00:27:47.599 alcohol impacts your body in a different way, either that it's more dangerous or 373 00:27:47.640 --> 00:27:52.839 that it affects it just affects your body differently. Right, So psychologists are 374 00:27:52.880 --> 00:28:00.039 calling this an invisible epidemic. Right, and people are starting by saying, 375 00:28:00.039 --> 00:28:03.000 well, you know, I'll have a beer with lunch, I'll have a 376 00:28:03.000 --> 00:28:07.640 glass of wine with lunch, have a martini with lunch, and then it's 377 00:28:07.640 --> 00:28:08.920 like, well, maybe I'll just have another one, and before they know 378 00:28:10.039 --> 00:28:15.400 it, they're literally drinking most of the day. I want you to understand 379 00:28:15.440 --> 00:28:19.839 how alcohol works. Not all alcoholics are psychologically addicted. Oh, there might 380 00:28:19.839 --> 00:28:25.319 be a psychological piece to this because of the loss of identity with the work. 381 00:28:25.759 --> 00:28:29.440 Also, maybe there's a divorce that happened, especially for men living alone, 382 00:28:29.480 --> 00:28:34.720 this is very common. Maybe it's you know, this lack of who 383 00:28:34.759 --> 00:28:37.720 am I now? What am I going to be in life? Can cause 384 00:28:37.759 --> 00:28:41.960 some feelings of depression. Alcohol is a depressant, so it only makes depression 385 00:28:42.039 --> 00:28:45.119 worse. However, we take it because in the short term it makes you 386 00:28:45.160 --> 00:28:49.119 feel good, right, in the short term, So it is starting to 387 00:28:49.119 --> 00:28:53.599 be an epidemic. It is often related to loneliness, loss of a spouse, 388 00:28:53.720 --> 00:29:00.440 disabling condition, but for some people. It is just a physical dependency. 389 00:29:00.519 --> 00:29:03.799 So let me explains there's kind of two kinds of alcoholism, and many 390 00:29:03.839 --> 00:29:10.319 alcoholics have both. Physical dependency is you know, alcohol stays in your system 391 00:29:10.759 --> 00:29:15.160 for about twenty four hours. That's why if you drink wine with dinner every 392 00:29:15.240 --> 00:29:18.559 night, you have the craving again at six pm the next day because it's 393 00:29:18.599 --> 00:29:21.119 just expired, right, It's just gone out of your body, and then 394 00:29:21.119 --> 00:29:22.119 your body says, okay, I want some more of that one it's gone 395 00:29:22.279 --> 00:29:30.400 right. And in other times you're drinking to ameliorate negative feelings, right, 396 00:29:30.440 --> 00:29:34.839 self medicating from those negative feelings. And some people who suffer from alcoholism may 397 00:29:34.839 --> 00:29:38.960 have both. Obviously, the physical addiction and the mental addiction. I personally 398 00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.079 think that late onset alcoholism is more about the physical addiction. You're just in 399 00:29:44.119 --> 00:29:45.240 the habit of doing it, and before you know it, like weeks have 400 00:29:45.319 --> 00:29:48.640 gone by and you've been drinking every day. I don't know if I told 401 00:29:48.680 --> 00:29:52.480 you, but years ago, when I was a regular guest on CNN in 402 00:29:52.519 --> 00:29:56.559 the green room, I met a guy who was a UCLA professor, and 403 00:29:56.720 --> 00:30:03.240 he runs a moderate drinking management program in Beverly Hills for people who don't qualify 404 00:30:03.359 --> 00:30:07.559 for AA. He said, it's kind of controversial because the people at AA 405 00:30:07.640 --> 00:30:11.759 think he's nuts that an alcoholic can't ever be a social drinker. But his 406 00:30:11.920 --> 00:30:18.559 criteria is, you can't take and enter a moderate drinking management program unless you 407 00:30:18.559 --> 00:30:21.559 can go thirty days without a drink. If you can't do thirty days without 408 00:30:21.559 --> 00:30:22.880 a drink, you need to be an AA. Okay, that's serious. 409 00:30:23.160 --> 00:30:26.359 So I said to him, hey, can I try it? Because I 410 00:30:26.440 --> 00:30:29.279 have wine with dinner every night and I'd like to take days off. And 411 00:30:29.319 --> 00:30:33.599 so he let me do a modified version of his program. And I'm not 412 00:30:33.599 --> 00:30:37.000 gonna lie that thirty days was a little rough, but it made me mad, 413 00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:40.319 like every day that I craved a drink. I was like, that 414 00:30:40.559 --> 00:30:44.599 is that is crazy? I can't believe I'm not stronger than that. And 415 00:30:44.640 --> 00:30:47.680 I was so mad. So I rivaled my way through. But then he 416 00:30:47.720 --> 00:30:49.960 taught me a few things that how you learn how to be a social drinker. 417 00:30:49.960 --> 00:30:53.440 And if you're retired and find that you're drinking every single day, I 418 00:30:53.519 --> 00:30:57.799 want you, as he would suggest, to make a drinking schedule, which 419 00:30:57.799 --> 00:31:00.440 means you look at your week, you see where you're gonna be who you're 420 00:31:00.440 --> 00:31:04.319 going to see, and you schedule days that you'll drink and days that you 421 00:31:04.359 --> 00:31:07.119 won't, and the days that you won't. He said, you also have 422 00:31:07.160 --> 00:31:11.519 to have a go to drink. That's your order, you know. For 423 00:31:11.640 --> 00:31:15.000 me, it ended up being it sounded funny. I'd order a non alcoholic 424 00:31:15.119 --> 00:31:18.680 beer, I'd put it on ice, and I'd squeeze in a whole bunch 425 00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:22.440 of limes. For some reason that made me think I was drinking alcohol or 426 00:31:22.440 --> 00:31:25.480 a cocktail and the lime feeling. I don't know, but I wasn't getting 427 00:31:25.519 --> 00:31:30.319 drunk. Did you know that some non alcoholic beer have a little tiny, 428 00:31:30.359 --> 00:31:33.400 tiny bit of alcohol in them? Because one time I sent a kid to 429 00:31:33.440 --> 00:31:37.359 the store to buy me some and they wouldn't sell a tour so but I 430 00:31:37.400 --> 00:31:42.640 bought the ones with none. And then the other thing is to just sort 431 00:31:42.640 --> 00:31:47.599 of like make a calendar, and if you can't keep to that calendar, 432 00:31:47.920 --> 00:31:49.920 then you need to be in an addiction program. Right then you need to 433 00:31:49.960 --> 00:31:52.960 be a AA. But I want you to look around your lives. Is 434 00:31:52.960 --> 00:31:59.000 there somebody you know, somebody you love who might be suffering from this, 435 00:31:59.160 --> 00:32:05.240 Well, it's an in visible epidemic. Late onset alcoholism look at your grandpa, 436 00:32:05.400 --> 00:32:08.200 look at your uncles. What are they doing and talk to them about 437 00:32:08.240 --> 00:32:14.039 this because it can shorten your lifespan. It's not a good thing and they 438 00:32:14.079 --> 00:32:16.319 need to be out there, I don't know in marches, being politically involved. 439 00:32:16.480 --> 00:32:22.359 They need to be out there, mentoring, volunteering, helping young people, 440 00:32:22.799 --> 00:32:24.839 going to the gym, just being busy. That's what we need to 441 00:32:24.880 --> 00:32:30.319 do. So reach out to somebody if you have this idea that they might 442 00:32:30.359 --> 00:32:37.720 be suffering from late onset substance abuse. Alrighty, that brings the Doctor Wendy 443 00:32:37.720 --> 00:32:40.799 Walsh Show to a close. I am always here for you every Sunday from 444 00:32:40.839 --> 00:32:45.319 seven to nine pm. In addition, you can find me all over my 445 00:32:45.400 --> 00:32:51.400 social media at dr Wendy Walsh dot com. I also hold a Wednesday evening 446 00:32:51.440 --> 00:32:54.920 Patreon group where it's not therapy by any means, certainly not group therapy. 447 00:32:54.960 --> 00:32:58.920 It's like a book group without the group without the book. What it is 448 00:32:59.000 --> 00:33:00.880 is a group of people from around the world, literally on all continents, 449 00:33:00.920 --> 00:33:07.960 and we meet at six thirty on Wednesday nights on Zoom and we talk about 450 00:33:07.960 --> 00:33:10.920 a relationship topic that I usually pose, and then it's a brain trust of 451 00:33:10.960 --> 00:33:15.400 people that weigh in and share their experiences and it's a wonderful hour at six 452 00:33:15.559 --> 00:33:19.880 thirty every Wednesday. It's ten bucks a month. You just go to Patreon 453 00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:23.440 dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh to join and it's fun. So come on 454 00:33:23.480 --> 00:33:28.240 and I'd love to meet you. A bunch of KFI listeners are in the 455 00:33:28.279 --> 00:33:30.640 group, so it's really fun to have everybody together. But otherwise I'll see 456 00:33:30.640 --> 00:33:34.400 you here. And if you ever miss a show, remember just download that 457 00:33:34.440 --> 00:33:37.960 iHeartRadio app and you can listen to Doctor Wendy Weals show on demand. Anytime. 458 00:33:37.079 --> 00:33:40.799 You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty, 459 00:33:42.000 --> 00:33:47.160 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy 460 00:33:47.160 --> 00:33:51.559 Walsh, you can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven 461 00:33:51.599 --> 00:33:55.079 to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.