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This is pod Popular podcasts for the
people, The Great Love Debate. It's

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the Great Love Debate, the Great
Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.

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Hi again, everyone's Brian how We
welcome to The Great Love Debate,

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the world's number one dating and relationship
podcast since twenty fifteen. I'm gonna do

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something a little bit different today.
As many of you know, we recently

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had our tenth anniversary live show of
The Great Love Debate, and we didn't

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book routon Florida and South Florida shows
are always a bit of a challenge because

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a lot of angry people there.
I don't know why. I mean,

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a lot of us are ex New
Yorkers. When we do it down in

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South Florida, a lot of people
are either still recovering from the relationship that

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they had a lot of the divorce, and a lot of people are frustrated

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not being able to find what they
think they want, and I think they're

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looking not necessarily for the right thing
and that mood. Although the shows we

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do there and the show we have
there is super, super fun, I

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have to work a lot harder at
those shows to create the vibe and the

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energy that I want and there is
reason for that. So I want to

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revisit an episode of this show that
I did about a year ago where I

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touched on all of the things and
all of the things that I think people

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are missing and misguided on and simply
overlooking when it comes to getting what they

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want and finding what they want in
a partner, in a relationship, and

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out of themselves. So rather than
you know, sort of touch on all

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of that stuff all over again,
and you know, I'm just going to

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revisit the whole episode and I'm going
to play that for you. I'm not

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getting lazy and doing refrunds. I
just I just listened to it, and

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I'm like, you know what,
I stand by that. I think it's

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more important than ever. I think
there is a unhappiness and angriness and a

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mood that needs to change. And
so I kind of spell out how do

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we change it, Why do we
change it, and most importantly, the

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ingredient we need to change it?
So once again have at it. Here

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we go. Hi again, everyone, It's Brian Howie. Welcome to The

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Great Love Debate the world's number one
dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen.

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You get just me today. Some
of you like that, some of you

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roll your eyes, but you're all
here, so gather around and stay for

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a bit. I was thinking about
that the other day because I was producing

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some podcasts and helping some podcasters,
and it took me almost one hundred episodes

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of this show before I was able
to do one by myself where I was

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able to stand on my own two
feet and even quote unquote felt able is

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probably a bit of a stretch.
Somebody back then, I don't know,

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five years ago, canceled at the
last minute, thrown into the deep end,

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and I just had to wing it. And some of you at that

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time actually gave me positive reinforcement and
the kind of feedback that I was looking

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for, that you liked it and
you were along for the ride, even

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if it was just the two of
us. So I always needed at that

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time, back in the day when
I had the sort of the early feeling

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out of the Great Love Debate podcast, I always had my engineer Kalin through

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the glass and my producer Kko was
around for most of them, and I

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had this sort of revolving rotation of
mostly female voices. I had Jilly,

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and I had Kate and Christina Webber
did a bunch and Laurel did a whole

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lot of shows, and I just
think I needed someone to play off,

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and I needed someone to say right
or you know too, and I needed

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them to hit the ball back.
So that was probably more about my insecurity

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than about creating great content. But
that was me then and that was us

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then, and I think I needed
a reaction, and the easiest and most

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tangible reaction was always laughter. I
needed someone to laugh. And back when

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I used to direct a lot of
theater, there was always some funny elements

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to it, and a lot of
the actors and actresses would would come off

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the stage and they'll be like,
they're not laughing. I didn't see them

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laugh and I was to always tell
them to relax, because you know,

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that doesn't mean they weren't absorbing or
appreciating the material if they weren't overtly laughing.

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Some people just aren't comfortable laughing in
a theater. I know that when

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we do our tour shows, it
sounds differently when we do it in a

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live music venue versus when we do
it in a comedy club versus we do

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it in a theater. Some people
just aren't comfortable laughing in a theater,

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so I told them not to worry
about that. But I needed that in

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this podcast. Back then, I
needed someone to laugh, even if they

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were just behind the glass. But
as we got deeper into these shows and

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sort of this collective journey, I
think I wanted us all to think.

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And I used to tell the actors
and actresses back then, if you had

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four five hundred people in a theater
and they were all thinking about something that

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collectively, that sound, that sort
of were metaphorical sound of people thinking was

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louder than any reaction I thought you
were going to get if people were just

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laughing. So as I get into
this and what I want to talk about

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today, it's not that the laughter
fades into the background. It's that it

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needs, I think, to be
more of a more of a side course

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and not totally the driving impetus,
but behind these conversations. So what triggered

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all of this? On this sunny
morning as I record this, I am

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here in the very fine studios of
pod Popular Podcasts for the People. I

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am at the one in Scottsdale,
Arizona. And if you have listened to

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this podcast before, when I've been
recording in Scottsdale. You know that I

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love being in Scottsdale. I love
almost everything about Scottsdale. I love that

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I can just say Scottsdale and not
up to say Arizona. And people are

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like, oh, I know Scottsdale
because it's not that big place. People

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know it are there about fifty days
a year when you or me should not

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come to Scottsdale because you would not
love Scottsdale. Probably Scottsdale in July and

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August is no picnic, but the
rest of the time Scottsdale And you're like,

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I didn't tune into the Great Love
Debate podcast to listen to the Greater

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Phoenix Area Board of Tourism. I
get that, but it leads a little

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more into what I want to get
into on a deeper level. And sometimes

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we go into a deeper level around
here. Who knew back in the day

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when we were just chuckling through the
glass. So what do I love about

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it here? And how will that
get into what I want to talk about

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today? And somebody asked me that
what do you love about Scottsdale? Are

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you a fan of the desert?
Do you love cactus? Do you love,

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you know, indigenous creatures that live
here, and I'm like, I

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love it because it's silly. And
I'm not sure the Chamber of Commerce wants

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to lead with that. They probably
want us to focus on the vibrancy of

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the desert and the history of the
Old West and the golf and whatever.

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But really, the thing that makes
this place this place is how silly it

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is. There are now the third
most bachelorette parties in the country here,

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and at some point, as I
record this pretty early in the morning,

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a group of girls is going to
pedal by on a bike, sucking on

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drinks and wearing matching T shirts and
go woo as they ride by. Bachelorette

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parties are about being silly, and
dating is about being silly, which is

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why I love all of this.
The Dating Conversation and the Scottsdale they both

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have a heaping quotient of silly,
and they should first and second on the

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bachelorette party list. Vegas and Nashville
two places that I also love and two

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places that are about as silly as
you can get, and I like those

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places. Beverly Hills is a silly
place. Boston is a silly place,

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Miami, Atlanta, And that all
bodes well for the dating landscape. People

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that show places that show up year
after year on our worst cities in America

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to find loveless they lack that,
they lack that sense of silly Philadelphia,

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It's dreadful, dour, Denver,
doll Is, dirt, Seattle, San

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Francisco, New York. And you
might be like, no, New York

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is wonderful. It can be,
and it has been. It's got plenty

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of wonder There's plenty of wonder in
New York City. But I think it

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lacks whimsy, And at least in
twenty twenty three it does nineteen sixty three

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New York, you know, Audrey
Hepburn, New York. Maybe twenty twenty

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three not so much. And whimsy
is rooted and silly. And you're like,

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well, we're talking about silly for
forty five minutes today. I'm like,

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not quite. So we're gonna go
down the rabbit hole on all of

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this. So what it's about and
what it ultimately means after this quick break,

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so stick with me. The answers
are just sixty seconds away at most,

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I promise, and we are back. And why do I bring up

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all this besides being amused by some
drunk girl in a bad wedding veil sucking

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on a penis straw at eleven o'clock
in the morning, because one of the

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things that comes up the most at
all of our live shows for years and

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years, hundreds of shows is the
women saying over and over that they need

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a guy who is funny. Funny, and funny is first on the list

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for the majority of women what they're
looking for, above smart, above stable,

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above wealthy, above handsome or kind
or anything else. Funny overwhelmingly is

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what they say they want. And
my first instinct is to defend that,

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because by any objective standard, I'm
pretty fucking funny, and I get paid

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a lot of money by top comedy
clubs in the world to go there and

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make people laugh for ninety minutes.
But part of me wasn't ever completely comfortable

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leading with the funny are at least
putting it, you know, sort of

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first on my metaphorical resume more deep
therapy here, because my parents thought funny

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was quote unquote a waste of my
smarts and the only serious people can be

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successful. And when someone would ever
say to me in life or at one

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of my shows they go, oh
my god, you're so funny. I

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would flinch a little because I would
hear their voices, Mom and dad,

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this is a waste of your time
and our money. But a second part

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of me, when it comes up
at the shows, I react to a

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little differently, in the sense of
to defend the guys, or to look

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out for them at least. But
what if he's not funny? Then what

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Because these guys are sitting there in
the audience and they hear women, it's

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sort of like the tall thing,
you know, the women say, oh

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my god, I need a tall
guy, and half the room is under

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five to nine, and they're like, what am I supposed to do with

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this information? Well, the same
thing happens with funny. The women say

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I want funny, I want funny, I want funny. So I hear

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this and I'm thinking of the guys, well then what So I tend to

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scratch a little deeper on it,
and it kind of reveals itself that it

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really isn't about funny, not entirely. You guys have heard me say over

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and over that every woman only wants
three things, and every woman wants the

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same three things, and everything else
is just a subset of, or tangential

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to tangential English major. Everything else
is just a subset or tangential to these

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three things. She wants a man
who makes her feel special, she wants

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a man to make her feel sexy, and she wants a man to make

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her feel safe. And safe is
always the tough one. It's about trust

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and sharing and honesty and strength and
vulnerability and all the things that don't come

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readily or easily to a man.
And the funny can give those. Being

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funny can make her feel special,
and it can make her feel sexy,

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for sure. The laughing triggers all
kinds of things, but I'm not sure

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it can make her feel safe,
and safe is the most important one.

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So you're like, where are you
going with this? I'm going back to

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the silly. The silly's different from
funny, and I'm gonna make the argument

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that silly, of all things,
can make you feel safe. And you're

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what You're like, what silly is
not about is about not taking things seriously.

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It's about being foolish. It's about
using poor judgment. These girls that

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are a ride by and go whooh, lots of poor judgment in their immediate

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future. But I think silly can
calm you. I think it can ground

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you. Silly can make you forget
a lot of stresses. Silly comes from

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the creating of an environment between two
people where confidence can flourish and your cares

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won't overwhelm you, and they might
even disappear. So I bring up Adam

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Sandler a lot in this podcast because
Adam Sandler gives a lot of guys a

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lot of hope for acting a certain
way and getting a certain result in his

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movies. But he doesn't get the
girls at his rom comms when he is

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funny, usually funny in the first
part. He gets them when he turns

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into silly, because silly is one
step from being sweet, and the silly

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leads to a song, and the
sweet is what wins the day always.

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And you're like, are you adding
silly and sweet to your holy trinity of

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special, sexy and safe. I'm
not, but I'm saying that those two

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things are at least a big part
of the ingredients. It isn't necessarily about

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funny getting her to laugh. It's
getting her to smile, which we've done

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whole episodes about. It's getting her
to calm. It's getting her to be

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distracted in a good way. I
think it's getting her to relax. I

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think it's getting her to share.
And I think it's her to see more

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of you and I think more of
herself. And it's about remembering what it's

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like to behave and act and feel
and think in a way that it doesn't

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matter what anyone else thought of her, only what you think of her in

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the best possible way. Giggling is
silly, and giggling is sweet. If

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you can't make her laugh, and
many many guys cannot make her laugh,

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that doesn't make you ineligible to her, despite what she claims or publicly says

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that our shows or really thinks,
because she hasn't really thought it through.

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And if she thinks it through,
she'll want you to be confident and calming

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and caring and present, and she
wants you to create this atmosphere where she

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can be herself, which is always
on her very best day, in the

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very best light, probably a little
silly, which is why people love it

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here. The Scots dazzle. That's
why these girls are going around this town

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and having such fun and feeling so
free. It's not about the boys,

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and it's not about the marriage to
calm and the life ahead and the realities

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of the future. It's about being
in the moment, and in the moment,

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being silly almost always wins. The
silliest group of girls, I think

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are probably eleven and twelve, that
little window right before the boys come into

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play and the stresses of life,
and they just like, what are they

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doing? That doesn't really go a
ways. Later in life you still have

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that part in you, you just
turn it off. And so when I'm

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talking about being silly, it's it's
a weird time where something can be both

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liberating and grounding simultaneously. It's liberating
that you can be and do anything you

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want without fear of judgment or the
specter of regret. And it's grounding because

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it's rooted in who you always were, your core, your essence, and

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those feelings. So are you like, are you saying laughter doesn't matter?

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Of course not. I'm saying being
funny isn't necessarily about being funny. So

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this is partially to get the girls
to think what is it really about?

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And it's partially to give the guys
some hope that if they aren't clever and

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witty and full of great jokes and
lines that they still have a shot if

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they can tap into the silly.
That doesn't mean they need to dress like

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a clown. It's more likely to
frighten her. And that doesn't mean they

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need to tickle her and unexpectedly hate
that. Don't do that. It might

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just be taking her hand and twirling
around on the sidewalk in the middle of

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nothing. Or it might be taking
two oranges in the grocery store and turning

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them into giant eyeballs. She'll laugh, She'll she'll think you're an idiot,

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but you'll find it silly and you
rolled your eyes, Ladies when you're listening

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to that, but you know you'd
smile and you'd probably even laugh. The

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silly is a gateway to that too. It might mean doing a bad attempt

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at an accent for no real reason. Bad accents are silly. My producer

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Keko back in the day, she'd
always say, please stop doing your Bosston

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accent. It's terrible. But she'd
always be on the brink of cracking up

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every time I try it, because
it was silly, and I think silly

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wins the day. So if you
weren't born funny. There probably isn't a

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path to be funny unless you go
down a really dark path, because lots

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of funny comes from those shadows.
And also, comedians are absolutely miserable and

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you don't want that and you don't
want them. So taking a stand up

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or a improv class definitely worth it. Everybody should do it because it'll help

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your confidence and communication hugely valuable.
But it's not going to make you funny.

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You're probably not suddenly going to be
funny at forty years of age,

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forty five years of age, but
at twenty five or thirty five or forty

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five or seventy five. You can
be silly because you are silly, because

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you were born silly. We all
were. I think the giggle is still

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there. I think the impishness.
I think the smile and the imagination.

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And people are always like, well, who's creative person? How do you

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be creative? We all are.
If you can dream, and we all

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dream. You have imagination. The
things that your imagination comes up with while

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you're asleep, you have those and
that's what you have to work with and

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you can put it to work.
The silly So every time you say,

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ladies, you want funny. I
think you really want that feeling you had

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with your girlfriends, either recently or
long ago. You know, Alanis Mori

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set went on a tour I think
last summer, and a lot of women

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I know were like, oh my
god, I can't wait to go that.

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It wasn't about Atlantis, it was
about reliving a time in the nineties

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when they just could do anything.
And it's the same way people of all

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ages sing their asses off at a
Taylor Swift concert, or they spent a

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ridiculous amount of time worrying about what
was happening with Ross and Rachel back in

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the day or whatever the characters are
on Big Bang Theory. Then I don't

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watch, but a lot of people
do. And you absolutely would want love

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to share some of that feeling,
those feelings with a guy one, not

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the Taylor Swift and the friend stuff, but the feeling how ridiculous it all

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is to care. If you care
that much, it feels silly. That's

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a good thing. That's what you
really want to care about. Funny is

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sometimes a window to a dark place, but silly is a gateway to the

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vulnerable. And if you find that
in the guy, I think you'll find

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that in yourself, and then I
think you'll find that in the relationship.

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And I think if you find that, you're gonna laugh plenty too, and

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you'll probably love plenty too, and
you'll be just fine. So maybe you

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thought me babbling on about this for
a while was a bit silly. Too

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bad. That's a good thing.
So maybe I'll go get on one of

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those bikes and ride around Scott's sale
and go whoo. The girls will be

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like, don't do that anyway.
Shoot me an email funny, sad,

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serious or silly great lovedebated gmail dot
com. I want to hear your thoughts.

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I'll hear your feedback. I get
a very different, interesting episode coming

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up, I believe next week,
two weeks. Listen to all of them.

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It's like picking a favorite child.
But one's gonna be like, huh,

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that's a weird guest. He had
on to talk about something very out

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of the box. Do that.
Two shows I am definitely doing if you

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want to go check out our live
tour schedule. One is right here in

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Phoenix, Arizona. I've not done
a show here since two thousand and maybe

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sixteen. I've done one in Phoenix. I've done one at the Scottsdale Center

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for the Performing Arts. Not a
silly venue, very serious venue. I'm

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not sure it was such a good
show, so i want another crack at

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the Valley, and I'm doing one
at Goodnight's Comedy Club in Raleigh, North

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Carolina. It's a makeup show that
got lost in COVID. I duo them

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one. They did talk me into
doing it. It'll be on sale shortly.

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Great Love Debate dot Com, Like, share, follow, Please review

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00:21:47.960 --> 00:21:52.720
this podcast. Your reviews once again
mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem because,

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00:21:52.960 --> 00:21:59.079
as always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop NAKD love.

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00:21:59.119 --> 00:22:08.000
See you next time, The Great
Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate,

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00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:12.799
the Great Love debab, It's the
Great Love to be