The opinions expressed by Chayo Busquets are supported by his extensive experience as a family
therapist and in the previous analysis of the cases presented here welcome. This is
Chayo with you in jewel. We started very good afternoon, very good beginning
of March, a month that, because it will be short, although it
is a month of thirty- one days. But at the end of the
month we will have the Easter holidays, and that does not make the month
complete with its usual duration. And well, let' s go in full
today with material says Chayo. My message is for my east what can be
done. I have three children, two women and a man. The middle
wife has two sons of 16 and 13 years old. He' s separated
from the kids' dad and now he' s living in another relationship.
Seven years ago. At that time they have separated several times and will give
to my eldest daughter' s house. She was inherited from Granny' s
house. So, every time they fight, he' s going to ask
for shelter and in a matter of days, he' s back with him,
but he also puts him in the house the penultimate time for not paying
for the services. They left after a year of living there. Starting the
year, they fought again and went again to ask for inn with their children.
My eldest daughter told him how she wanted things to be so that they
were in harmony. But in a matter of days, he started texting his
partner, calling him on the phone and ended up seeing him, because a
few days ago I stopped by his house and it turns out that they were
eating and his partner was there. I didn' t want to comment to
my older daughter, but today she told me that she had a fight with
her sister, the boys' mom, because three days that week, her
partner spent it in the house and today told her she doesn' t want
it there. Then he started taking it out on his kids. She'
s treated them very badly, always rude blows telling them they' re dumb
idiots. He spends the whole day watching TV and puts them to do the
job. At the end of the week, he put his daughter to laundry
for ten hours. Besides, he tells them that' s why he had
children to do everything to him. My oldest daughter steps in and tells her
that' s why they don' t respect her. Today she recorded some
videos of how she' s taking it out on her kids because she told
her she didn' t want to be at home anymore. To her partner,
my eldest daughter, she told and showed the videos to her half-
sister on behalf of her dad and advised her to stay with them legally,
to present those videos and that the law will force her to give her child
support. I really don' t know what to do. Actually, my
daughter, the kids' mom, is a very conflictive person and if I
try to talk to her, she' s gonna end up in trouble.
Orient me. Please. Oh, good. As you will see, we
are starting to heat up the themes of Women' s Day on March 8,
because how complex it becomes to be able to generate situations where there is
violence and abuse. And one of the things I want to comment on here
today, given your email, is how violence spreads, as well as we
spread many other things, like we spread anxiety, how we can spread harmony,
how we can spread a nice parent environment where we can function well.
Violence also spreads what. It' s clear to me that your daughter'
s in the middle of it, the mom of the kids you' re
texting me about. She' s a complicated woman. You tell me it
' s the one in the middle and that inevitably leads me to generate the
hypothesis of how you' ve lived throughout your life as a daughter in the
midst of two brothers where there' s probably or was a topic and I
' m not saying this to cause you guilt, but to be careful.
Everyone who hears me about what happens when there' s a sandwich son and
what I' m driving and how suddenly we can be unintentionally comparing with the
other brothers. And in this case, when there are three, that is
the little one, he becomes the little one or the little one does not,
and then it is the one that generates the attraction in the house and
the big one or the big one. Well, that' s where we
' ve put a lot of attention, because we' re very demanding and
we want to be very careful two of the way And with the middle,
it' s not the little one, because there' s already a third
one isn' t the big one. But to some extent she can get
caught. And I speak in feminine for your daughter in a complicated situation where
she doesn' t know what role she played or where she was. And
sometimes there' s a lot of accumulated anger. One of the things he
maintains or can maintain is not the case for everyone. I make it clear
to a person in a violent conflictal relationship is that, just as conflict is
intense, reconciliation is intense and they do not know how to live in an
intermediate temporality. I think without a doubt, the sister doesn' t have
to receive it anymore if she doesn' t respect it, but she can
offer it as she is willing, to remove them, even legally, to
stay with the kids and tell her leave the kids here in what you arrange
the issues with your partner. But your partner can' t come in here
because we don' t all live together. And it has to be said
clearly, specifically, directly, as a limit is set, but without the
criticism and the claim of how it is possible for you to endure and look
at how, because to the extent that you feel criticized you will not listen,
you are going to put yourself on the defensive. And that happens to
all of us even though we believe the other person is right. If he
attacks us, if he criticizes us, we' re not going to work.
So I tried it out there to see what he can do, what
he can do. And and you give your children a lot of affection,
in your case, to your grandchildren, she to her nephews, and make
it clear to her that they are not to blame for what happens and that
adults don' t always do things right so that they feel backed up.
And good. Before I send you to the music court, I want to
remind you what tomorrow is the croqueton for the Franciscan shelter. Saturday, March
2, from nine to six in the afternoon in the Deer Park. The
Deer Park is on Avenida División del Norte, where is the statue of Pancho
Villa. There in the park they won' t meet Support. Let'
s make this croqueton a human chain for help for the Franciscan shelter that takes
care of all these pets that no one is taking good care of the annoying
evening, because I need you to listen to me and advise me. Please,
I have a ten- year- old daughter. Lately, he usually
reacts with a lot of anger and defiance. He doesn' t follow directions
and I get a lot of complaints at school. Your dad and I are
in trouble. I think we' re affecting him a lot. I want
to go to therapy with her, but she doesn' t want to.
She doesn' t have much communication with her dad, so many things I
see her and all the time she' s holding her hands, pinching her
fingers, feeling anxious and all the indications. He debates me and he talks
and he talks and he talks so he doesn' t do things. Evade
what she does and say the teacher never accepts what she does. Even if
I see her, she denies things. Could you please tell me what I
can do to take ur with my problem. This is one of those many
emails where I tell you whenever in the problem, in the writing of the
problem comes the explanation. Of course she' s reacting to the problems you
have with your husband, her dad. What there is, this description you
do in your hands, is anxiety to everything you give and nothing would help,
even if she accepted it, go to therapy if the cause of this
anxiety, what is happening in the house, doesn' t change and sometimes
I get a lot of attention how they want to change the problem that a
child gives when they' re not changing situations is that they' re living
and that they' re being the cause of the problem. Your daughter'
s problem will surely be completely diluted once things are calm, once you determine
and define what' s going on with her relationship and learn to handle her
conflicts and differences in a way that doesn' t splash this girl, because
what you want her to do for you, to accept her mistakes, not
to pray to you, to be obedient, to make life easier for you,
when life to her is getting very complicated. She' s in the
formative process. She' s a girl, she' s a girl and
the boys respond to the environment in which they' re developing here. The
point isn' t what you' re doing with her. The subject is
how resor is. You two let it go in such a way that this
girl lives in a quiet environment, because she is a symptom of your problems.
It' s not the problem and I know that maybe right now,
given the things you have in the couple relationship, you' d want her,
please, not to be another cause of trouble. The point here is
that parents have an obligation to give kids a healthy conflict- free environment so
they can work. And this girl is not able to function as a result
of this. So I understand that you' re willing to go to therapy?
I don' t know if your partner, but if you' re
willing to go to therapy with her and she doesn' t want to,
you go, you go so you can clarify how they solve things on the
ground. And good at the outset, because the school puts the consequences that
it has to put in front of the inappropriate behaviors that it does, because
we can' t let her do what she wants to do then either.
Live as you like and there' s nothing going on here. He doesn
' t have to live it, but he' s going to hold on
to the problem and he' s only going to increase his anxiety if,
on the basis of the things that are happening, they can' t be
calmed down. The couple relationship is very important, it is a basis for
the functioning of the children. Then she is clearly responding to what is happening
in your home and in the homes of many of those who are hearing me
and believe that the problem is their children. When there' s a cause
so clearly detected, taritarm once again asks again is that with couples everything is
a question. Yeah, actually, yeah, all the issues I think about,
I say this is quite a question. How much you lie in couples,
how much we lie to the couple. That' s a very good
question. No. There have been several investigations where people say I am very
clear or honest and I am not lying. No, and it has been
seen that when you do these investigations, you have a tendency to lie during
the day. But you don' t realize it at all. Not there
are the social lies, there are the lies of discomfort, etcetera. Etcetera.
And then it is also divided into who mind more like why not.
And women have a tendency to lie to take care of each other. Indeed,
and man tends to lie yes in his performance, in his performance,
that is in that little place, in that little private place, rich or
rich, but it is also in what he does, in his achievements,
in his work. That' s a trend, performance on one side and
an environment for her as a woman now, regardless of what we lied during
and what we thought was not. Another thing is a clear lie that I
' m going to do this, because I don' t want to be
responsible. But there is also one question that I do not know if it
necessarily falls within the category of lying. Ah By the way, speaking of
infidelity, let' s see you lie or mess up and fake protally,
but that we leave at a certain point. Another issue is what happens to
us where it really costs us to say what we think, we enter and
want into a relationship. OK, yeah, it' s me I sold
you an idea of me That' s another subject in the courtship, too,
and I made up a story for you about me. But part of
being a couple pushes us to discover ourselves, also through the look of our
partner. How complex I am telling you is not that you see that the
other feels that finally, also our partner sees more of us than sometimes than
the ones we want to see from ourselves. But there' s one that
makes me very interesting. I don' t dare tell you this is an
example. I don' t dare tell you that I don' t want
you to accompany me to this meeting or this party, not because I don
' t want you to be, but I want to be able to enjoy
it in another way. Yeah, where I don' t want to go
there as your wife or husband if I don' t want to hear as
a friend, partner, etcetera. About what we were. Yeah, they
' re the ones that sound pretty complicated. No, but I don'
t want to have to be looking after you or being aware of taking care
of certain things, because I want to go relaxed to pass the father unhesitatingly
that I am your partner and not be seeing if I already left you too
much time alone alone and because I am friends with all those who are there,
and then I want unconcernedly to have total fun. Not entirely. And
another thing is this is going to be a memory, this is going to
be going back five years ago, back to ten years ago, et cetera.
And there are things that might, also today our little group, want
to stay in a small group. No, then, I mean, I
also want to experience, experience, yes, that, that in a way
where you' re not, because, yes, we' re different.
When a couple is with us, of course, there it is not in
an orbit around us and it is very valid. But I don' t
dare tell you. I don' t want you to, I don'
t want to invite you and then I' m between you saying no and
I don' t explain and I give you and well, yes, but
no, but it would be better then I don' t know, well
I want you to be angry that I want you to get angry and that
' s where the clarity comes from, but that' s where compassion also
comes from. I know you might not like it, but it has nothing
to do with you, it has to do with me. Right now I
want to be the cuate de mi cuate. No doubt nothing else and we
' re going to talk a certain way and we' re going to remember
things where yes, you' re necessarily excluded, but that doesn' t
mean that you' re excluded in my heart and in my head, you
' re specifically excluded at that moment from where my life is. That'
s right. Thank you, Tari Thank you very much. I' ll
see you on Friday, and we' re still here in more detail.
Me with you in Chayo, with you the most important thing is you.
How I can handle the times, or how I can handle the situation that
my eleven- year- old has access to video games, that is,
he gets angry if I limit him, or he gets angry if I tell
him that no longer daily in your free time, all the time he wants
to use it and it doesn' t seem right to me. How can
I do it, how can I handle it, because he' s angry
and then he' s mad at me. That' s why I'
m making you look like you' re not into video games, because,
without a doubt, the subject of video games is something that has to be
limited. What happens why he gets into that state of anger when video games
are taken away from him. Well, the first thing we have to understand
is that video games are generating an over- stimulation at the neurological level that
generates adrenaline and torphins. Nothing is going to make that more attractive than another
video game, in another video another situation that they want to make stimulate the
brain that way. That' s why they end up replacing all activity with
video games. One would think good, because if you' re doing different
types of video games on your cell phone, what' s the problem,
because you' re not always at best in the same video game. The
problem here is that it damages the functioning of the brain in terms of not
generating an injury as such, but it does distort in your children the perception
of what is entertaining, enjoyable, pleasant, because the brain gets used to
having those levels of substance production to feel good. And then any other activity
is going to be boring, unappealing, even if the activity itself has its
own level of pleasure. That' s why it' s so important that
they are normally limited to breaking the bad habit in which addiction has already been
generated by the kids is all one and in that process it' s important
to know that we have to tolerate to some extent the level of anger that
is causing them, not at the time we take the video game away,
but we do talk at another time and be able to explain it, even
if you disagree and I understand that that makes you angry at the correct use
of the video game. It' s gonna be just like that. If
you want to get mad at me, if you want to stay away from
me, it' s not going to be a reason for me to lend
you the video game, then if you' re not able to self-
control and access the moment I tell you the time is up, because we
' re going to have to help by warning, because they get so full
- time into the video game that they forget even their willingness to stop or
obey. We have to take action, because substances are being generated in the
brain. Then we have to be very clear about it, not about it
at a time when the video game is involved, because then it generates more
anger. But since we explained it, we make it perfectly clear that we
know that you don' t find what' s wrong with him, that
' s you as my son, but that' s something we have to
diversify in terms of his activities and his amusements, and that' s very
important to establish, since you' ve broken the bad habit well and he
' s made it clear that' s what he has. He' s
gonna start finding fun for other things. It' s something we all have
to do. They' re an extraordinary nanny. They' re not going
to give us a can, they' re not going to give us a
problem and they' re going into video games. The point is that he
' s going through his brain and how that' s going to distort his
perception in life of what' s fun and entertaining and he' s always
going to want to be in things that are exciting or otherwise, he'
s not going to be okay and that' s going to impact his school,
his working life, his partner relationships, the friendships they relate to.
So yes, it matters, but it also matters that you tolerate her anger
a little bit, putting consequences if she is rude when she gets angry,
but she tolerates her anger a little bit in what she does. The new
habit alone is going to settle. You can finally share your case with Chayo
' s whatsapp with you and leave your voice message no longer than a minute.
The number WAT is fifty- five, thirty- seven, twenty-
four, seven, seven, twenty- seven. Remember the message. Must
be anonymous Hi, Chayo. I' m twenty- five years old.
I am in the ninth year of the University, ninth year or ninth semester,
and it has really taken me a long time to get to where I
am mainly on two issues. The first is that I don' t like
the race. And the second is that I find it extremely difficult to live
together when I have to talk to people to make work teams or for things
as simple as asking for the time I panic. At first, the attacks
occurred every several months, but lately they begin to give me the attacks almost
every day, which are the days I have to go to school. The
attacks are so strong I have to run to the school toilets to cry.
Attacks begin with shortness of breath. Then I feel a knot forming in my
throat to the point that I feel like I' m drowning and my hands
are paralyzing. This is starting to be exhausting, as I feel like I
can' t relate to anyone. It makes me feel lonely when the worst
thing happens is when I' m in college, once I even stopped attending
a class because it took a lot of teamwork. I feel like I'
m a sack full of trouble. What should I do? I can change.
Yes, of course you can change, of course, but there are
two. There are two things here, one that has to do with a
change of attitude from you, but the other is that panic attacks are a
disease. Whenever things happen to us with respect to anxiety and particularly to extreme
anxiety like the one you' re living, we think that we should control
it and that how we might not be able to control it and so on,
and the reality is that panic attacks do occur because of a number of
psychological issues. But without a doubt they are related to the fact that the
person has a chemical imbalance at the level of neurons in the brain, which
are the cells like we have all over the body, but in the brain
they are called neurons and what they do is that, when they debalance,
they produce these symptoms. I mean, you. You don' t make
up the lack of air, you don' t make up that your hands
are paralyzed, you don' t make up that you feel like you'
re drowning. It happens and this requires medical attention. What a specialist the
psychiatrist sees. Nothing more than we have a lot of taboos about everything that
has to do with the psychiatrist. But it is the psychiatrist who has to
see it and given the situation of frustration that you come living, the work
that has cost you the University, the how you are dealing with a career
that you don' t like, that I would have my doubts whether you
like the career or not. Or what happens is that you don' t
like everything that' s associated with her, because you' re having a
hard time. Then it is very important to understand this and to be able
to understand that medical care is needed. Go to a psychiatrist and explain what
' s happening to you. When they were going on a lot of time,
you thought nothing was going on. But the reality is that when we
don' t get a symptom, the symptom gets worse, and things get
where they are today. So you' re looking for medical care with a
psychiatrist who' s the specialist in this. And for those who still feel
that going to the psychiatrist is crazy or crazy. It' s a physiological
illness in what happens in your head and, therefore, you' ve been
associating it with certain situations and it breaks out in those moments. But we
have to work it out. Hello, Doctor, I need your help.
I summed up I' m a twenty- six- year- old transsexual
woman. Ever since I was twelve, I realized I' ve been attracted
to men ever since a little friend in high school convinced me to dress up
and be a woman. From there I liked to show my legs and did
the feminization treatment. When I was 15 years old, I had surgery.
I lived very happy next to the man who made love to me for the
first time. I was his wife for several years and I really liked that
he possessed me by submitting to me, as well as that he had taught
me to dress very provocative. However, he died and later I met a
biological woman and we became very good friends. But now I dream her a
lot and I would like to be with her, but I, as a
man, am afraid to think like this because I am already physically a woman
and when I am not with her, I enjoy dressing and behaving like a
woman. But I see her even in the soup I' ve come to
think that if I were a man, I' d like everything with her.
What am I doing, please, Mira? I think the fact that
you' ve lived, you' ve been born a man and today you
' re a woman by choice, you' re confusing it with the fact
that you have a bisexual sexual orientation, that is, today with it you
' re discovering that you like women and you like men. The point is
that, since you have lived the alternative of being born a man and today
being a woman, you know that there was the possibility of being able to
live as a man and therefore, as a man, to have a life
with her. I think you would need to seek terapeur help to assume yourself
as such as the woman you hear before deciding medical things that might put you
in a different situation. Again why we also need to take care of how
much we do to the body. I think it would be important for you
to take a therapeutic treatment that matches a little bit where you stand in front
of life and, depending on that, determine what you want and how you
want to live your sexuality why. Perhaps what would have always happened, even
if you hadn' t made the change, is that, because you were
going to like men and you were going to be busted by women. It
is a very interesting case of yours, because it comes to question us how
early in life we have to make these changes when we are in the middle
of adolescence. But today you have to take this with anyone and think about
how you take care of yourself, how you take care of your body and
where and how you want to define yourself, because it also sounds like you
' re very influential. Then you' re full of anguish, seek psychological
attention to clarify where you are and how. And, well, this brings
us to the end of the program. Date I was looking for this was
chayo with you having an extraordinary weekend and we heard on Monday Audio Center