WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.280 --> 00:00:08.480 Hello, Welcome to fifty plus. I'm James Lotte Junior. I was talking 2 00:00:08.480 --> 00:00:12.279 to someone who's in their fifties, a friend of mine, and we were 3 00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:22.320 talking about pain and how some things stay with you your whole life. There's 4 00:00:22.399 --> 00:00:27.600 some things that are painful, and we're talking about pain. We're talking about 5 00:00:28.160 --> 00:00:34.840 pre age eighteen or pre age twenty before you become an adult. So we're 6 00:00:35.119 --> 00:00:39.840 talking about childhood pain, teenage pain, whatever, that's whatever traumas you went 7 00:00:39.880 --> 00:00:48.200 through. And you're in your fifties, so now you're about thirty years plus 8 00:00:49.240 --> 00:00:54.359 removed from those things, in some cases forty years, forty five years if 9 00:00:54.399 --> 00:00:58.640 I this dependence. But you're over, let's say, over thirty years, 10 00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:11.040 removed, moved physically and just by chronologically by these traumas and and off. 11 00:01:11.159 --> 00:01:19.920 There are things that stick with you. Sometimes you don't even realize you or 12 00:01:19.920 --> 00:01:30.079 you may realize later, where's something you're where, a behavior you're doing today, 13 00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:33.920 where it comes from? And you go, oh, I can leak 14 00:01:33.959 --> 00:01:41.760 it back to my childhood. It's very interesting because my brain tells me, 15 00:01:42.879 --> 00:01:47.319 the smart of my brain tells me, well, you're fifty four years old, 16 00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:52.439 why are you holding onto something that's happened to you when you're five or 17 00:01:52.519 --> 00:01:57.000 ten or fifteen or even twenty or twenty, like, why are you holding 18 00:01:57.040 --> 00:02:00.840 on to that? Why still? Why is it affecting you in such a 19 00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:06.400 strong way still now? Of course, depending on the size of the traumas 20 00:02:06.400 --> 00:02:13.800 the positive, there's all that. Also, did you get help in relation 21 00:02:14.039 --> 00:02:20.039 to that trauma or that experience? That plays apart also of how you feel 22 00:02:20.039 --> 00:02:24.080 about today? Did you reconcile any that stuff? It's like, as ye, 23 00:02:24.199 --> 00:02:30.280 Trauba's could be anything from you know, a rejection of some sort to 24 00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:38.639 an abandonment thing to an actual physical you know, accident or your abused or 25 00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:43.039 you know, like you know, physical abuse like that stuff. Something emotional, 26 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:46.039 someone says something to you over and over again. You believe it like 27 00:02:46.879 --> 00:02:53.120 anything, right, But the concept in my brain goes, well, you're 28 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:57.360 an adult now, so you're an adult. They can't hurt you ain or 29 00:02:57.919 --> 00:03:00.840 you don't want them to continue to hurt you because you're still thinking about this, 30 00:03:00.759 --> 00:03:04.759 I mean in my fifties or my sixties. This is about you know, 31 00:03:04.800 --> 00:03:08.319 this is about fifty plus. You're like, I shouldn't it should be 32 00:03:08.360 --> 00:03:13.840 fine, right, I should be okay? You know, life went on, 33 00:03:14.039 --> 00:03:19.520 I should be fine, But it's more complex than that, right. 34 00:03:20.199 --> 00:03:24.000 I feel like a lot of the stuff that is embedded in your brain in 35 00:03:24.039 --> 00:03:32.000 those developmental years becomes becomes part of the fabric of who you are rest your 36 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:38.199 life, and that you have to work on this stuff to get over it. 37 00:03:38.199 --> 00:03:44.560 And I remember, for me, my father was a major contributor to 38 00:03:44.599 --> 00:03:50.400 my trauma. So my father and I just had so much go on over 39 00:03:50.400 --> 00:03:55.439 the years. It was in my forties when the age thing came in and 40 00:03:55.439 --> 00:04:00.080 I was like, I am the hl for this ship, You're told for 41 00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:05.560 this I'm still letting him control my emotions when I hear his name or when 42 00:04:05.560 --> 00:04:10.120 I run into him, or when he calls me, or well he doesn't 43 00:04:10.120 --> 00:04:12.520 call me like it's like it was like it was getting it was getting on 44 00:04:12.639 --> 00:04:15.840 my nerves and get out of my skin. And I'm like, but I'm 45 00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:18.240 but I was really going by the age that going But I'm in my forties, 46 00:04:19.720 --> 00:04:21.839 like my inter side was saying, grow up, Jays. But of 47 00:04:21.879 --> 00:04:30.600 course I had to get help, and I did at that time. It's 48 00:04:30.639 --> 00:04:32.680 not as easy as to get over and walk it off. You have to 49 00:04:32.680 --> 00:04:36.000 work through it, and you have to walk through it, and so I 50 00:04:36.120 --> 00:04:40.720 did. I walked through a lot of the trauma that I had with James 51 00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:46.800 Senior, and slowly I was able to understand. So I was able to 52 00:04:46.920 --> 00:04:53.680 forgive, and actually I have. I have told him I forgive him, 53 00:04:54.199 --> 00:04:58.360 I forgive me, I forgive those situations like I let him know that I'm 54 00:04:58.399 --> 00:05:03.920 letting it go and that the judgment is leaving now that because with my forgiveness 55 00:05:03.959 --> 00:05:18.399 comes now non judgment you were. I'm accepting you are who you were at 56 00:05:18.439 --> 00:05:24.800 those times it wasn't good for me. And then when you weren't the greatest 57 00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:29.839 father and all that got it. I can't change that fact. You can't 58 00:05:29.879 --> 00:05:33.839 change that fact. You can't make up for it. We have to reconcide 59 00:05:33.879 --> 00:05:36.759 and say you did the best you could at that time. You did what 60 00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:44.319 you going to do at the time, and now life goes on. And 61 00:05:44.360 --> 00:05:47.079 that was the thing. I was like, okay, got it, and 62 00:05:47.120 --> 00:05:51.439 I myself, I'm also an adult, I'm also a parent, so it's 63 00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:55.800 kind of I have. I can almost cycle that through that and go, 64 00:05:56.879 --> 00:06:00.040 Okay, there's some great things that came out of his behavior towards me. 65 00:06:00.439 --> 00:06:03.639 There are some sore things that can me but again, I can't change that 66 00:06:03.720 --> 00:06:09.319 either. I can change it now in terms of how I go forward, 67 00:06:10.160 --> 00:06:13.360 either with him or with my kids or whatever. But I can't change it 68 00:06:13.480 --> 00:06:15.959 up in the past. And you have to and you start to see your 69 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:20.879 parents as human especially they are human beings or not just my parents. They're 70 00:06:20.920 --> 00:06:26.759 fallible, just like everybody else. So it's just whatever. So I in 71 00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:36.000 my forties, it helped me understand that I don't want to carry this into 72 00:06:36.040 --> 00:06:40.959 my fifties and fifty plus. I didn't want to do that. I was 73 00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:43.920 like, I don't want to carry this with me. That's the last thing 74 00:06:43.959 --> 00:06:47.319 I want to do is carry this burden with me and feeling and heaviness and 75 00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:50.439 no. So I lifted it off me, and literally it's lifted off me. 76 00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:56.399 So I'm in my fifties and my father I don't have a relationship at 77 00:06:56.439 --> 00:07:00.240 all. It's number A though he's somewhere in la somewhere with his family. 78 00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:08.040 But if I ran into him or saw him, I've been adjacent to him, 79 00:07:08.079 --> 00:07:13.240 like recently, we have people in common. I'm fine. I don't 80 00:07:13.240 --> 00:07:15.720 get a pit in my stomach anymore. I don't have this rage of anger. 81 00:07:16.399 --> 00:07:21.959 It's like I could have my own conversation with him and and be okay, 82 00:07:23.319 --> 00:07:25.680 angle see you later, good luck with your life, and want a 83 00:07:25.680 --> 00:07:30.759 business, because I truly have forgiven him and forgiven my everything that's just going 84 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:33.600 on, and forgiving my mother, forgive myself. Give it a situation, 85 00:07:34.319 --> 00:07:40.160 I'm letting it. I let it go because one of the things that I 86 00:07:40.319 --> 00:07:46.279 realized and even my self go into my fifties, is that he could never 87 00:07:46.439 --> 00:07:51.040 live up to what I think I needed. Let me say that one more 88 00:07:51.040 --> 00:07:58.800 time. My father could not live up to anything that I think or thought 89 00:07:59.160 --> 00:08:03.600 I needed at any given time. He couldn't. I mean, I was 90 00:08:03.639 --> 00:08:07.399 I had high standards, which of course all kids have went high stands here. 91 00:08:07.800 --> 00:08:11.600 I wanted my father to love me and be a good follow to me 92 00:08:11.680 --> 00:08:16.240 and really give me attention, and and I just I wasn't getting it. 93 00:08:18.399 --> 00:08:24.560 But then the expectations I the judgment I had all these years, and the 94 00:08:24.639 --> 00:08:30.040 judgment was mixed in with my anger. There was no way he I mean, 95 00:08:30.959 --> 00:08:33.559 he could say I'm sorry, right and he go okay, he says 96 00:08:33.799 --> 00:08:39.679 he said, I'm sorry, got it, But there's not much you can't 97 00:08:39.759 --> 00:08:46.320 change the past. You just can't. And I always said this the phrase 98 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:54.679 that Benne Brown said on Over Winfrey Show, forgiveness. The definition of forgiveness 99 00:08:54.879 --> 00:08:58.360 is giving up the hope the past could be any different. And that clicked 100 00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:03.120 with you for me so heavily that I believe with all my heart and soul 101 00:09:03.080 --> 00:09:07.799 she was correct, and that's what I was trying to do. He could 102 00:09:07.840 --> 00:09:13.080 say I'm sorry, he could bathe in hell, water and fire, but 103 00:09:13.159 --> 00:09:16.320 in the end of the day, how he was as a parent is how 104 00:09:16.360 --> 00:09:18.320 I was the parent that I had to live with the rest of my life, 105 00:09:20.360 --> 00:09:24.600 and I didn't want to carry it into my relationships or anything else. 106 00:09:24.120 --> 00:09:30.440 I am shaped by it just naturally. I can do about that. I'm 107 00:09:30.480 --> 00:09:35.159 shaped by it. However, I'll have to let it run my life and 108 00:09:35.279 --> 00:09:39.720 run my stuff. So that's when I got done before my fifties. So 109 00:09:39.799 --> 00:09:41.039 going into my fifties a few years ago, I was like, oh, 110 00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:46.080 that part's lifted off of me. And the same thing I had to do 111 00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:48.840 with my mother is I'm still what I'm working those us out with her, 112 00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:52.200 but I had to kind of forgive her to try to forgive her too, 113 00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:56.679 and I'm still going through. Well, here's the thing I forgive my mother 114 00:09:56.720 --> 00:10:01.279 of the childhood stuff. I actually all that, giver or fine, I 115 00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:07.480 have newer issues here and there that I've had with her over the years that 116 00:10:07.639 --> 00:10:11.159 are something a little different. I'm still working through those. But all this 117 00:10:11.240 --> 00:10:13.440 stuff when I was a kid, and he tid like, that's yeah, 118 00:10:13.519 --> 00:10:20.039 I'm done, Dunsville. Great forgiven whatever it's they were what they could be. 119 00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:31.039 And so in your fifties hopefully, and it's never late too late if 120 00:10:31.080 --> 00:10:35.639 you haven't worked through those childhood pre eighteen years of age stuff, you work 121 00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:39.960 on now because it doesn't go away. It affects you in ways that you 122 00:10:41.080 --> 00:10:46.480 don't know that you do know, and you reactionly get triggered reactions to things. 123 00:10:46.799 --> 00:10:48.480 And I'm just like, just again the age saying, I know age. 124 00:10:48.519 --> 00:10:52.240 I think my number. Everybody says that blah blah. However, Comma, 125 00:10:54.000 --> 00:10:56.960 I like some things are age appropriate or not. Just like, yeah, 126 00:10:58.039 --> 00:11:01.440 got worked that out, got worked it out. Those are my thoughts. 127 00:11:01.600 --> 00:11:03.480 Tell me yours, of course, I always want to hear them. 128 00:11:03.480 --> 00:11:09.080 Fifty plus these are these next few weeks will be just audio only episodes. 129 00:11:09.720 --> 00:11:13.440 I'm gonna try to build the podcast a little harder, a little stronger. 130 00:11:13.879 --> 00:11:18.200 I don't need to me have some on video, but I'm more like, 131 00:11:18.279 --> 00:11:22.919 I like like sharing my thoughts and this was this podcast is turning into just 132 00:11:22.919 --> 00:11:28.039 sharing my thoughts and I'm gonna go from there, So subscribe to the podcast 133 00:11:28.039 --> 00:11:28.799 where you find it. I'm James au Junior.