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a cult I can get behind. Ladies and gentlemen, hats and tickets.
Welcome to these opening ceremonies of the twenty fifteen Miss Scrypt. Oh that's right,
majesty, splendor, noxious breath, inappropriate antlers. These are all the
hallmarks of a true Miscrypted champion, but only one will go home with the
coveted golden Goatman. And now your hosts for this elegant evening of cryptid exhibition.
I'm Dave Stecco and I'm the other one, David Flora Dope. Just
the other one will do. Sorry, Welcome to the first night of many.
By many, I mean three. That's right, as at the end
of this broadcast, you'll have completed the first trimester in bringing a beautiful,
bouncing, fresh new Miscrypted into the world. That's right. There'll be no
turning back after that point. Yeah, tonight, we have three glorious entries,
all delicate flowers from a shady pond in a secret mountain, by a
dark and shadowy tree, peed in high an enchanted sorcer. It's that time
of year, it is. It's down down to business tax yep. We've
got nine wonderful cryptids for you to to ogle yep, and three of them
will move on to duke it out amongst each other. That's right. Each
each week we will we will introduce you to three eligible bachelorettes and you can
only ask one apt to the big dance, and then next week there'll be
another three you can only ask one of them to the begans. Then listen,
you're gonna end up asking three girls to the dance and it's not going
to turn out well for you. Yeah, and then they're all gonna fight
over you. Oh it's great, And then we will crown through your votes,
Miss Cryptid fifteen, that's right. Twenty thirteen The Golden Goatman went to
the bat squat Switch fourteen Little Goatman went to a little little go get her
by the name of Jeff the Talking Mongoose. That's right. I ever heard
of him, I think you have he signed some pretty lucrative advertising deal.
Yeah, so I feel like I feel like they're like Franklin Mints. Not
all of them go up in value. I mean, no one hates the
bat Squatch, but I feel like Jeff's carving out a tiny media empire.
It's it's like NBA draft ease man. Yeah, you just never know.
Sometimes you go first and you don't actually have a career. Bat Squatch.
The Greg Odin of Oh Sports reference well, well, well, hubba hubba,
that's right, And you can pull out references of your own for each
of these. Yeah, amazing creatures. Do whatever it takes to have them
make sense to you. Flora, who is our mystery dates to nat Well
tonight you are going to have the pleasure of hearing all about the Zimiuz what,
the catablopus and the Jackalope. Yes, America And at the end of
the episode here go on to the website Loli photos dot org. You'll find
a nice little space there to cast your vote for one of these three.
And by casting your vote, you have the option of being entered into the
twenty fifteen Miscrypted prize pack. You're casting your vote for free toys, free
toys, candy, candy junks, all kinds of stuff. Just ask Emerson
when from twenty thirteen, Stephen from twenty fourteen. But just no, before
you ask Stephen that the shirts for real shirts for real. Each week you
can cast one vote and that vote will put another entry into the drawing mix,
so you can have a total of four entrees. We are going to
have three cryptids a week. You pick your favorite, and then at the
end of at the end of these three weeks, you're gonna have three fine
cryptids. Then you choose one more time for who gets the golden goatman right,
who signs the lucrative ad deals, Who gets remembered while the rest get
completely forgotten so quickly. So that's how it works. Yep, we're gonna
start tonight with this mew mew. Gotta hear this? Burned it? Oh
No, that doesn't work at all. Is Mure ready for this? Yeah?
No, don't uh. This mu is a creature of Romanian folklore,
said to have humanoid legs and arms, but the body and head of a
reptile or a snake comma or maybe a dragon d dragon person, dragon baby,
dragon baby looking baby going to get you you're going to get you fortunate.
No, dragon baby going to engage. Its abilities are the following.
It can fly, Oh, it can breathe fire, it can shape shift,
It has supernatural strength, and it has martial skills. It's a fighter.
It sounds like this guy's got all of the cards. Like, I
mean, there's scept looks card dragons are pretty awesome. Ladies hate him,
but like, if you can fight and shape shift and fly and fly and
breathe fire, why we want you win op. Yeah, but we'll see
how you how you can defeat it if at all later. It can't loves
beautiful young girls. Yeah, emphasis on the young. So there's a psychological
price to all that prowess, and it tries to kidnap them in order to
marry them. Yeah, it's like a serial monogamist, forced monogamy. Sometimes
it'll shape shift into a flame, which slithers into a girl's room. Then
it turns into a man and seduces her. What hey, baby, I
don't feel like a flame is a very inconspicuous way to gain entry. It's
like, oh, I can assume the form of a lunatic burglary. It's
a nice icebreaker. Though, Oh my god, I'm just kidding. How
are you doing? It's a flame because it breaks ice? Sure, yeah,
okay, you've got your boots. Why do you want to I gotta
be honest, that was a total accident. I didn't realize your foot was
right there, and I thought I was just gonna go dude, and you
you you I impact at the wrong time. I was not supposed to kick
you in the ship with a boot, Dave. Dave is doing nothing but
like hurting me. I think that's how you're you're getting out your aggression lately.
Yeah, it's like either something's getting thrown in the nuts or you're kicking
me with a boot, but not in the nuts yet. Well, for
you've thrown your fair share of things at my balls too. It's just that
in retaliation, and to be fair, you are far outweighing. Yeah,
well I'm a little more accurate, it would seem, which is an irony
given the fact that you're the one who always kicks my ass at knife throwing
at the Renfair every year, but not acts throwing. We'll just imagine a
pair of balls hanging on the wood there. I will game changer. God,
let's talk about this guy some more. This the word comes from the
masculine forms of the Slavic word for snake, which I think I read is
usually zmya or is my yah, which which is a feminine form. And
man, there's there's a lot of a lot of different forms of this word.
And I think there's a lot of confusion on where it comes from as
well, because a lot of people says mew comes from the word for for
dragon, but that's actually the in Romanian is balar, yeah, which you
see that that comes up like the blar as another related entity. Yeah,
and and I and I think I saw the Slavic roots for it just more
more akin to snake than than than it is dragon. Yeah, usually a
manifestation of greed and selfishness and folk tales. Yeah, he's he's like a
folk tale boogeyman. He's he's the the the antithesis to to prince charming,
right or or as he's known in Romanian fat through most, which which translates
uh actually to he's like their prince's like handsome you. That's his name,
fat frumosum. And that is how you defeat one of these things, get
yourself a fat frumos. Get a fat frumos, Get fat frumos all over
the place. Just cover yourself and frumos. You have to be brave and
selfless, like a prince Charming and its abilities while you know, pretty mighty
can be overcome by martial skill and daring. So Bruce Lee could have taken
him. Yeah, yeah, I'd say so, nice Chuck Norris, Duh,
these things sound very gin like. I don't see I don't see it
that way. I see it as like maybe not the looks reptilian soldier class,
I can see that, But to me, just the way it it
can shape shift, it's like, you know, it's got the best of
everything pretty much. It flies and has strength, it can fight once once
girls loves the young lady. Everything to me is capital why like guys,
I'm I'm I'm talking about girls who are might not even be in high school.
Everything, uh, everything to me. But the dragon look of it
smells like gin. That's to me, and that's uh, that's gonna do
it for our first crypto of twenty fifteen s that's new with me. Oh
my gosh, you just taken a matched book to all these things. Well,
we don't have puns at the end of these I have to burn them
now, don't we know? Are you sure? Yeah? How sure?
Real? Sure? House put a number on it. Number. What how
about we take a little trip from Romania south down to Africa. I'd love
to go to Africa, but only if we can go to Ethiopia. Oh
we are civilization. Yeah, let's go to Let's go to Ethiopia, but
not the Ethiopia you know, no ancient Ethiopia. And let's talk about the
catabolopus. Yeah, it sounds like a platypus, it's not. It's the
catabolopus. As a reason why they still don't have steak dinners in Ethiopia to
this day. This is an Ethiopian creature of legend, first described by Plenty
of the Elder, who we've heard of before in the first century CE Man.
We can't get away from this guy, I know, he's like the
new Carl Young is variously described as a beast with the body of a buffalo
and the head of a bore. Its back was scaly, serving as armor,
and its head was so large it always drooped down, which was really
good news for everybody, because, much like the assalisk, making eye contact
with it would turn you to stone, yep, or kill you outright.
Yeah, well, I guess turning to stone will probably kill you, but
you know what I mean. There's also accounts that it's breath could kill you
as well. And uh, you know, do you know who else describe
this thing? How some some some jack weed know it all named Leonardo da
Vinci, who right? Can you believe it? Yeah? This is a
This is a pretty popular little little thing, getting less popular by the year,
I'd say, but yeah. The name is Greek for downward looking.
So writing in naturalists Historia plenty described at catablopas vusly Dave Stecco is Deckard Kane
as Pliny the Elder. In Washton, Ethiopia, there is a spring,
the Nigress, which most people have supposed to be the source of the Nile.
In its neighborhood, there is an animal called the cadopla pass in other
respects, of moderate size and inactive, with the rest of its limbs only
with a very heavy head, which it carries with some difficulty. It is
always hanging down to the ground. Otherwise it's deadly to the human race,
as all who see its eyes expire immediately and dr Blow was the fourth of
the prime Wait, no greatness, it poof thank you decon. Yeah.
Now, one thing to remember, And I think we may have mentioned this
in the Fountain of Youth episode. Maybe back then Ethiopia to the Greek world,
to the to the people who were who were writing the books at the
time. And yeah, Ethiopia stretched all the way across Africa, from the
east south of Egypt, all the way to the road to the west up
near Morocco and south of that. So when when it says Ethiopia in most
accounts, or in at least Plenty's account, it's what he means is sub
Saharan Africa. Yeah. So in the second century see Claudius Alienis gave a
bit more detail to the creature in his work called on the Nature of Animals,
saying the following, bolivia, is it apparent of a great number,
enough great variety of a wild animals? And the moreover, it seems that
the same accountry produces the animal called the decatables. In appearance, he's about
the size of a bull, but it has a more grim expression, for
his eyebrows are high and shaggy, and the eyes beneath are not large like
those of Oxen, but the narrower and the blood shot. And they do
not look straight ahead, but down to the ground, and that is why
it is called down looking. And the main that begins on the crown of
his head and resembles a horse hair fallows over his forehead, covering his face,
which makes it more terrifying when one meets it. And it feeds upon
a poisonous roots. When it glares like a bull, it immediately shudders and
raises its mane. And when this has a reason erect and the lips about
his mouth are bared, it meets from his throat a pungent and the foul
smelling breath, so that the whole air overhead is infected, and in the
animals that approach and in heel are grievously affected, losing their voice and are
seized with fatal convulsions. Disabeast is the conscious of its power, and other
animals know it too. I flee from it as far away as they can,
as as you mentioned before, Leonardo of the da Vinci's mentioned it in
a notebook, saying it is not a very large animal, is sluggy in
all its part, and it is so large, he carries it with great
difficulty, in such wise that it is always droops towards the ground. Otherwise
it would be a great pestre man. For anyone on whom it fixes its
eyes dies immediately. I said this, Leonardo da Vinci. Nobody else,
and certainly not Pliny the elder me l da Vinci put this into a code.
Find it later. Gustave Flaubert in eighteen seventy four wrote that it was
like a black bluff blow with the head of a hog hanging clothes from the
ground, joined to its body by a thin neck, long and loose oven.
Indeed, intestine it who flat on the ground, and its legs are
smothered under the huge mane of stiff bristels that hide its faith. Gustave Flauber,
the floberriest, well, the beast that's different. Hello, I just
want to do that for funties. Hell if anything, my old friend go
staff Flauber. Fancy who here and the think we bumped into each other here
the balcony of the opera, in the middle of the second deck. No
let him, y'all golf t hells. I beg damn money for these tech
It's I'm not gonna go stop. How you been, So let's go over
its abilities again. It's got a death gaze yep, and or poisonous poisonous
breath. Poisonous breath. Poisonous breath not really an ability, but it is
slow apparently, yeah, sluggish, got that droopy head because it I think
this is like lethal e or kind of is now make a contact with me.
It's general, I thought, I think to be an exaggeration of just
a will to beast. Sure, because you know it was pretty exotic back
then for them, and willed the beasts do have that kind of droopy e
or ish look to them. I really, I would love I would love
it if like there was just one will to beast walking around a camp and
the native guy are like watch this, Oh no, oh, don't look
at it. You know that happens. So there's not an exact remedy for
it, not not a certain way to defeat it. But dude, you
fight a catabolophus the exact same way you fight a prostitute or a stripper.
No eye contact. Oh, stay away from the neck. But there's still
a lot oh see, I think that you go for the neck if if
it doesn't have the noxious breath because it's so slow. Wait, I'm sorry,
what are we talking about now? We're talking about the neck is long
and the head's so big. It can't move it that fast. So if
it hasn't belched out, it's it's that's true. But murder murder breath.
You really double or nothing on the breath though. I mean, you're either
going to finish it. It's gonna finish you if you If it has shot
its breath, if it has burped out death breath, then I would say
stand back and like plug it, plug it in the chest or belly.
Wo just throw rocks at it and see if it breathed on them. Oh,
I'd solve that because you can't hit it in the back. Keep blin
skills. I don't know. Antagonistic, who's our third level. That's that's
the catabolopis for you. And then we're gonna take a jankie little Indiana Jones
jet all the way across the Atlantic. Two little place called the United States
u S a front range continental divide, middle of the country. Coolest place
in the world. Whoo Woo woo, Jackalope, mother Liquor, The jackalope
and handled species of rabbit said to occur in the American West. As the
name suggests, it is a cross between a jack rabbit and an antelope,
or a now extinct pigmy deer and a species of killer rabbit. That's right
now. One interesting thing that they point out is that the if it is
a mix between the jack rabbit and the antelope, thus the jackalope. Interesting
that the jack rabbit is not a rabbit, and the hum Weirdly enough,
the antelope from which these antlers are thought to derive is not a true antelope.
How's that for a fun diption fact? Yeah, so the that's rabbit
part is a hair. Yeah, it further proves that this is a real
unique creature, and the antelope part is a species of deer. Right yep.
So. Other names for it include anti labbit, stag bunny, and
horny bunny, horny money, horner bunner, lonny bunny, I got hornybutters.
I still clear, horny bunny, you're going out down the trail,
you better be careful. Damn hornybuters gonna get you. Scorpions and horner bunnies
two things you gotta worry about. They're rumored to be extinct or extremely rare.
Yeah, only the only the most careful eight year olds can track them,
and occasional sightings still occur, with jackalopes being brownish in color, weighing
between three and five pounds, and running at speeds of up to what ninety
miles per hours? Right, they do not mess around little little horned lightnings.
Now here's a here's a fun fact about the jackal take on. It
actually might be a misdiagnosis of an actual disease afflicted rabbit or jack rabbit.
There is a really sad disease called the called the shop Papaloma virus. Yeah,
and this bad boy will infect rabbits and actually cause horn like protrusions on
its mouth, face, and neck and head. It looks like it grew
horns. Yeah, it looks like handlers. Yeah, and it's it's really
sad when you see it too. It's very sad. And in some cases
it's fatal to the rabbits because or that the hairs, I guess it keeps
them from eating or hunting, or they'll get in the way. If it
grows near the mouth, it could keep them from eating. It can keep
them from breathing. I don't know why I said hunting. It's not like
they're out there like cornering the rabbits. Um. So those are not true
jackal opes. The real jackal opes. They got real antlers and real problems.
They can apparently mimic human sounds. And we'll use this to avoid capture.
Y'all should leave now, now, now, y'all should leave. Well,
I guess there ain't no horny bunnies around here. It's just some dude
telling us to leave. All right, thank you, neighbor. Now,
yeah, all right, we're going. We're going, right, we're going.
Ride meow nice um commonly seen in Wyoming, Colorado, New Nwick,
Nebraska, and New Mexico, Nebraska. There have also been reports of them
in Germany, where they're called volpordinga. Yeah, the vulper tanger. Except
where there they've got they've been upgraded with flight abilities and murder fangs. Yeah
they got wings. Oh, wow, they've got they're a little bit wilder
there. They've got the head of a rabbit, body of a squirrel um,
wings of a duck sometimes sometimes they duck's bill um sometimes murder fangs.
Wow, Yeah, they really get wild. In Germany and in Sweden they're
called Svoder, Svodder or Skvader. Nice, I don't I don't know how.
You guys will have to to let me know. Yeah, closing the
category on Darth Vader puns right now, damn it. Yeah, it's too
easy. We don't play tea ball here. You're right, yes, we
do every week. I was just trying to get a guy on base,
dude, trying to move the runner up myself. If forced to fight,
they will attack viciously with their horns and their teeth, their murder teeth.
I found this little fun fact. Apparently they only mate during intense lightning strikes.
Nice. Well, that's you know, boogy boogie wigie one point twenty
one jigawatts. Now here's the thing. They're generally thought to be a hoax.
What perpetrated by one Douglas Herrick of early twentieth century Douglas Wyoming sermon darglasses.
The greatest trick they jack al Thope ever pulled was convincing humanity. He
didn't exist, And what he did was he combined a hair with deer antlers,
using his taxidermy skills to amuse his family and then This silly trophy was
such a hit. People saw it, they liked it that other people started
doing it, and then they started selling as tourists souvenir. So that's generally
held to be the what a jackalope actually is. But you know, like
you said, if some of these catch this virus, they're very may well
be rabbits with horns. Yea out there could serve, as you know,
part of the old legend. Now, I don't know how vicious they are
towards humans or anything, and how fast they are, but well they're they're
having sex and lightning storm so pretty fast. Their abilities obviously horns, teeth
and speed to defeat them, what do you think? What would you do,
Dave? What would you do to one of these things, to a
jackalope? To a jack lope? Too? Do we have to defeat them?
Well, I'm just trying to give an antidote to the problem. Is
it a problem if we have to kill everything flora? If they're gonna try
and kill you, you schmuck, what are you going to do to defend
yourself? It's a killer bunny. Hell. In Germany they fly at your
face. Yeah, but in Germany they got murder things in the US.
They don't know they do they do? Yeah, that's what I read all
right, that they had. They were like, they're like the Monty python.
I damn it, I was going to clean the Holy Anger Gain of
Antioch. So I guess that's out. That's out. How do I How
do I defend? Uh? Will I'll throw a metal egg at its balls.
I'm good at that. I well, that's what I'll go with.
I don't have any way of stopping. I mean, I grew up in
Colorado. You'd think I would have some sort of mechanism for for jackalope defense,
but I don't. I think you pour some tar out, oh slow
them down. You didn't get them stuck in there and shoot those glue traps,
Yeah, something like that. Maybe I don't know. Yeah, you
know, that's that's all theoretical. They not. All these creatures have antidotes,
you guys. The jackalope has no weakness the jack lope antidote, Nope,
but that'll do it on the jacalais. So those are those are your
three elegant ladies this evening. Take your time, think it over, maybe
go back to the beginning and listen to our blathering horse shall over again.
That's right. Once again. You've got zmu, catabolopus and jackalope. Yeah,
but before you have those, you gotta deal with me R. J.
Punnington, the third not of the west Chesterfield Punnington. Indeed, because
if it was the new Brunswick Punnington's yeah, I would have bought you a
Scotch puns Flora. You go. Well, obviously, when you're dealing with
a large contingent of wild rabbits with antlers why or wild hairs, I guess
they are going to eventually become a community within themselves. Right, They're gonna
have laws, they're gonna have some kind of hierarchy, and they're gonna have
religion, and so they have to elect a jacopope. Nice. You know,
I've heard hell that in some of the tropical jungles of South America there's
a creature with just outrageous speed and the fangs of a jaguar and also deer
antlers and the body and legs of a giant tarantula. It's a jackal Nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope, No, all right, I've
I've got a great book for you. You might have even read it if
if you like early twentieth century novels, if you like early twentieth century British
literature. It's a novel about a young woman in the repressed culture of Edwardian
era England who is constantly worried about getting taken away and married to a horrible
beast what it's called a room with his mew nice. I like that?
Do you know uh that in um, ancient Ethiopia, Um, they're stretched
across the entire contents, right. Not only was their constant warfare, there
was enormous castles with walls and UH siege weapons, and the only way uh
and sometimes to to finally break the siege was to hurl mythical creatures with with
poisonous breath and and death eyes over the wall. Even for that, you'd
need a very specialized UH siege engine called a Katabla pult. Oh. That
one, That one's at least I'm gonna call that one at least a triple
And if and if anybody bobbles the ball, you got a home run with
that who in field, Homer, There you go. Dam's puns and dams.
Week ones of the twenty fifteen Missus scripted contest. Yep uh go vote
yep vote enjoy uh write us an email, Like us on Facebook, Twitter,
US, glitter Us, fritter us. We're gonna get fried and oil.
But most importantly, thank you for listening. You are magnificent. Yeah,
I hope you're hope you're having fun so far with miscripted and brown looking
forward to the next couple. Alright, have fun, you trolla lolls.
I've been David Flora. I'm Dave Stecko. I'm Dave Stecco. On time,
David Floor, I go. Everything good. David Stucco is your Adobe?
Now? Come on, Flora, No you coo bord. I'm David
Flora. Come on, Flora. We're trying to we're trying to have fun.
You have fun, You have fun. Dave Stacco. I'm David Flora.
I'm I'm tired of it into my balls and I'm tired of it.
You damn David Stacco. No, go find things that macOS. Go all
right, let's do this for you. I'm Dave Stacco. Even Flora,
I can't stop totching my nipples. Flora, please, but can be just
for one No nipples? All right? Realist time I'm yeah, that was
a good one. I'm Dave Stecco, David Flora. Where did my pants
go? Help me find them? But I don't I don't know, I
don't know exactly exactly. You all right,