The opinions expressed by Chayo Busquets are supported by his extensive experience as a family
therapist and in the previous analysis of the cases presented here welcome. This is
Chayo with you in jewel. We begin very good afternoon to everyone as I
am Chayo Busquets, this Chayo with you. Very grateful to all of you
for all your comments, for these six programs that we had around women'
s day. From the different aspects, some podcasts are already uploaded There'
s a couple missing That' s why we' re going to go up
as well and then I' m going to upload them all together so that
they can have the set of the six programs. Thank you very much for
your participation, thanks to the guests who agreed to be with us. Because
the truth is that they made this experience, a very significant and good experience
we are going to resume our daily life with chayo programs with you, as
you are used to and with what we are going to start. Note that
there is a word that has been resounding to me a lot when I talk
in the office with people who are in pairs with couples. I read it
a lot in the e- mails that come in and it' s the
word hold. It is very common to listen to the I have endured a
lot and I think it is time to make changes within the relationship or plan
to get out of the relationship, but always with this connotation I endured enough.
It' s been good and I think a lot about the context of
this word and it' s a part of the relationships that we can also
use in the relationships of friendship, of brothers, of children, of any
in any relationship. But speaking specifically of the couple relationship, this context of
endurance certainly speaks of the lack of limits that we don' t know how
to put and an idea of how much we would have to endure by then
deciding to say this no longer or this attitude I no longer want it.
You are in the relationship with that thought is that I endure and then it
would seem that only valid my right to put a limit or right to say
I in this relationship no longer want to continue only yes, first, I
endured as if by tiredness, as if because the other already flat out might
have committed certain abuses or certain behaviors that did not seem to me and I
have to endure and notice that one of the questions that are very clear on
how we should put limits is that the limits must be put to the first
one. Putting a limit, it' s not bad, it' s
not bad, it' s not what happens, it' s just that
I can' t take anything. No. How many times have we not
been told or have we said the phrase of woe how little you endure as
if you were involved that in relationships, and especially in couples, we had
to be holding things and until flat out the other hand was passed, then
we would already gain the right to say or say. I don' t
like that. And sadly, sometimes when we already set the limit, it
' s too late, when sometimes we already set up a clear context in
which flat out I already crossed my hand and passed good, silly or silly,
then I already earned the right to tell you. I don' t
like that. Not long ago I told a good person, it is that
there has been violence in the relationship, but only once and as if being
little, we did not have the right to say no to this and then
I would have nothing to complain about, not because it was only once has
been little. So, well, let it go. And the point is
how you endure, how you endure, how much you endure, and then
you have the right to say no, to put a stop, to say
things with me like that don' t go where you are in front of
this situation. A partner of my third grader son told him and another little
girl that her stepfather has abused her since fifth grade, which she told her
mom on several occasions, but that her mom doesn' t believe what we
can do to help her without getting into legal trouble. Your brother is of
age and if you believe him, but you don' t know what to
do, what a sad situation he really is, every time I hear a
message about this, I just read whatever it gets to me, he closes
my skin before me. The specific question is, since the brother is of
age and believes him, they should be advised to file a complaint, because
the brother can accompany this process. You can also talk to a locotel and
ask for information from associations that help boys and girls of victims of sexual abuse,
giving support and giving, because all the support that is required when there
is a situation like the one that is living, where the mother does not
believe him, because depending on the area in which they live, in what
tel can give this service, to give a phone or give the data of
associations that are dedicated to providing support to those who do not receive the support
in order to protect them, advise them and be able to help If the
brother believes him, he has a great ally. There. The other alternative
is, since the girl has already opened it, to be able to talk
it up in school with one of the people you consider to have sufficient judgment,
that is, if there is a psychologist in school, if there is
any teacher you trust some authority within the school, to whom you can make
this comment by asking if the girl doesn' t mean it by you and
keep the secret that you reported it in such a way that the school has
a way to get close to this fact and be able to support it.
Here the most important part, or what seems to me most significant, is
the brother, for being a brother who tells me he is of age and
who does believe him and who, therefore, can make a bigger struggle for
the mother to grasp the importance of what is happening. Sometimes, within extended
families, that is, uncles and so forth, there are people who can
serve as a support network. Sometimes there' s someone to turn to to
say this is happening and my mom doesn' t believe my sister. I
do, I think this is happening in such a way that more than going
to generate an act of violence against this man, we resort to the appropriate
ways to do so with the support of other figures who can accompany us in
this and something very important and that concerns all those who are listening to us
at this moment. They must always be believed because this is an unfortunate fact
very often and sometimes, in the case of this mother, for example,
who does not believe it. There is a sense of shock that makes you
unable to think that this may be happening with your partner, with whom you
have a particular type of bond, and with the daughter, with whom you
may be having conflicts. And then it becomes very complicated to think of the
guilt that would feel if this were true. Now too, on the other
hand, you have to think about how this brother and this sister can support
each other, you can support each other so that this girl will never be
left alone in the presence of this stepfather. How they can generate a link
between them in which she can tell you what is happening or what is at
risk, because surely if this is happening since she was in fifth grade,
they are whole years and there must already be a certain dynamic in the way
this man makes sure this happens, where this brother could be sharing the room
with her, protecting, being vigilant, with certain mechanisms that help to know
what and how this can be avoided. It is not instead of demand,
rather than looking for other supports, it is, besides so that this girl
can live just in this process of being cared for and eyeed moms dads,
when a son tells them this and his idea of it can' t be
true is related to nothing. If what happens is that this girl is very
conflictive. He' s giving me a lot of trouble and then he'
s probably making it up out of jealousy or because he doesn' t like
it or because it' s the ways he' s showing his rebellion.
Think the next thing you know, it won' t be the other way
around, it won' t be just the problems you' re giving.
What she' s doing is a result of the abuse she' s being
victim of, because it' s not usually going to be a sensible,
well- managed stability model. Someone who at the same time is suffering abuse
so that then, with their proper, responsible, proper cute behavior, then
tell me and then be believed eye. This generates a very important level of
conflict in the person and, therefore, that which makes us think that it
loses credibility is just what can be a symptom of what is happening. So
out there I hope that this can serve you Peter welcome, very helpful for
what comes, for what comes, well wolf, that has to come first
are your data, Pedro, because if we don' t get in and
we don' t give them anymore, not for anyone who has a relative
or someone known, some loved one like an addiction issue, some drug or
alcohol or some other kind of additions, this can request it, or if
the person who is listening recognizes that he or she has these problems, you
can request them. My whatsapp is fifty- five, eighty- five,
thirty- four, twenty- two, six, two and Facebook can find
me how. Yeah, that' s perfect emotional health. Write to him,
ask him why Pedro Chayo orients you. All the time we are taking
this issue of drug dependence, drug dependence for granted, and I think we
need to talk about a previous step. Why is it that the drug makes
you dependent, because, like we already say it, by custom, but
what involvement, what what, why we talk about dependence. Yes, notice
that when we talk about dependence on a substance, particularly I could tell you
that there are two types of dependence that can develop one, which is the
physical dependence that means that your body is going to be asking you for the
substance, probably and others at the mental level. If he doesn' t
ask you, your body will ask you. Your head' s gonna tell
you. That' s gonna make you feel great. That' ll solve
your problems, et cetera, et cetera. Let' s see, but
that you develop a dependency is clear not this one. I remember a lot
with some patients who sometimes have had them come to consult because they are about
to lose their partner or their family and they tell you that I don'
t want to lose it, etcetera, etcetera. But that' s when
I tell them good you contemplate a life without getting high or without alcohol,
they tell you I' m not sure, no, and then sometimes,
because I have to confront them and say good then what are you putting as
a priority in your life? Not that, it' s actually your wife,
your kids, or it' s the substance and forgive. I'
ve been talking about since a few Wednesdays, talking a lot about man,
about man, but to see it happens exactly the same thing, the same
thing with woman, but statistics say it, and that' s why you
' re talking a lot from man, because statistics say something about it.
Look for many years man has had or what he has taken has been found
in national surveys. Yes, man usually consumes more, no, but let
' s see how honest we are. As a woman, she has changed
her social role, she has gone fast, wanting to reach the levels that
have the idea of female equality. Listen now what we would understand by dependence,
that you can' t live without seeing if you can live. That
' s the good news. The good news is that you don' t
need to drink alcohol. You don' t need the alcohol to live on.
No, I mean, you can, but it looks like your head
is telling you, it looks like you do. Okay, so that'
s what we' re going to understand by dependency. But it' s
an interesting topic and I think we' re going to have to dedicate Peter
to this psychological part, not because sometimes people believe little in psychological on many
occasions, I think we' re going to have to dedicate space with all
taste, with other beliefs. Well, thank you very much, Peter.
We' ll find the chayo mantle via with my husband. It had turned
out that I wasn' t going to check his cell phone any more than
I had anything to know. He would tell me, but he always earned
me curiosity and I checked his cell phone and it turns out I found him
looking for dates with other women to go to sex booths. I don'
t know if he' s made any appointments, he' s made any
appointments, but I don' t know what to do. I don'
t know if I tell you what I saw on my cell phone or keep
quiet, I don' t know what to do. Without a doubt,
this topic of cell phones is a very controversial one because it is clearly an
invasion of private life. That' s certainly not proper behavior, it'
s disrespectful. However, sometimes in the stories themselves there is an explanation of
why the cell phone is checked. And when someone checks your cell phone,
as is your case, and you reconfirm that there' s a lack of
relationship that clearly he wasn' t going to tell you. It reinforces this
need to get into the cell phone, to investigate what is happening, to
know what is hidden by the couple. And here there are very controversial situations.
I insist because, on the one hand, it is to what my
partner has the right in his private life, that he would not have to
be telling me points signs of what he is doing. However, when in
that private life it is lacking the point of encounter, the exclusivity of the
relationship, that which is part of what we promised, of what we agreed,
of what has to do with this topic, of what corresponds to the
exclusivity of the relationship, clearly it seems that what is the greatest lack.
Not the biggest fault is that I' m checking your cell phone, or
the biggest fault is that you' re missing a primordial agreement from our relationship
and our encounter. It seems to me that the doubt with you is not
in, if I tell my partner, although we had already stayed, that
I do not check his cell phone, but in a review that is first
personal and then couple. I mean, there' s a clear lack of
your partner that has to do with your commitment to you. And if this
is something that has been repeated, then you have to ask yourself if you
want to stay in a relationship where to be certain, you need to be
checking your cell phone and, besides, when you check your cell phone,
you find this. I have said many times that, in a very simplistic
way, there are two types of infidelities, the person who on the way
of his life suddenly slipped through everyday life, by the kind of interaction that
was presented with the third person And when he realizes this and speaks in the
couple, it is perfectly understood that this is part of something that happened,
that it was not planned and that suddenly the person was involved and that he
wants the mint, he wants a second chance. He regrets this and from
there he learns to be careful in his life. Who, unlike this,
your lifestyle is to be flirting, seducing, inviting and having different levels of
infidelity with other people as part of your way of life. I don'
t know if this comes here to corroborate that your partner has a lifestyle like
this. Behind your back and where I don' t know if it'
s the first time, the second, the third, the fifth, you
find the same thing and, by making you promise, you' re not
going to check your cell phone. Actually, what he wants is to be
allowed to live this part behind your back. And here we are already talking
about another type of person, with another type of experience, always looking for
pleasure. And what he wants is for you not to know because the way
I would find out is through the cell phone, because he has a very
careful way of committing these faults. And if it wasn' t for the
cell phone, you wouldn' t know. But the first thing you have
to ask yourself and if you want to be like this in a relationship,
because it doesn' t seem like there' s room for change, if
this is for you a negative answer, I mean, I don' t
want to be there anymore. Well, this only came to corroborate it and
then easy to tell your partner, because look yes, I fell into temptation
again and checked my cell phone. But these faults, without a doubt,
are definitive for me and I do not want to continue in such a relationship,
and then the notification of clarias in a much clearer and more formal way.
So it' s not easy. There' s a lot involved,
but you have to determine first of all personally what if you want and what
you don' t want and how far you want to keep getting promises and
also with a lock that is and don' t get into my cell phone.
Uh, when right now you' d need the certainty from your partner
that, besides, I' d have to offer you. No, you
don' t have to get in. We' re going to have a
series of behaviors, starting with mine, where I need to earn your trust
again and, therefore, this has to be much more transparent, easy.
He' s not here, and I hope this will help your answer.
There came a mail, but for the time and so on, Women'
s Day, from a man whom I' m going to leave in the
anonymous as everyone else, and not because there' s anything wrong with it.
His mail is always anonymous and I found what he says very interesting.
He titled his mail with signs of Machismo interrogation estimated chayo. Today is World
Women' s Day and I dare ask two questions about it. Women complain
about machismo, but what about the claims that the same women use and give
two examples. The man is the one who conquers the woman or has me
without money, without house, we have nothing. I know I haven'
t had the ability to generate wealth, and the truth has made my marriage
even more complicated. I know that having her without money can be considered violence,
but I am a man who wants her to do well, to have
friends, to enjoy the same advantages, as a man who can do everything
he wants safely to go out at the time he wants to dress like desire
without worrying. I' m the oldest of six brothers, three men and
three women. My mom taught me gender equality, she didn' t allow
the limits my father wanted to put on us. He engaged in all the
activities of the home, cooking, shopping var and never forced my sisters to
serve the brothers. I' ve analyzed what I live day by day in
my marriage and I think it would be easier if I had been taught that
the man is the strong one and can stand the woman with her outbursts of
anger hormonal changes. But maybe that' s where my mother was wrong,
as she waited for equality for us to treat ourselves with respect and dignity.
But that is complicated when the assessment of the facts is very different for her
than for me. I believe that gender- based violence has its origin since
the child, since the child is told to protect her sister, because she
is weak that she has to take care of her. Even though there are
differences in our bodies and we have different abilities. We have the same right
to say, to demand, to dress as you like, to study whatever
you want and to work forgiveness in whatever you want with a similar payment,
without any distinction only the quality of the work done. What I do not
share, for example, is abortion, as I think it is not a
decision about your body, but that of a new life. The decision about
your body is when you have sex, knowing the risk of pregnancy, and
it is both members of the couple who must take it into account and take
responsibility for everything that comes with that relationship. Obviously, when there' s
a crime involved, my considerations are different about it. I wish it didn
' t exist, though. I think machismo, that is, that man
is obliged to support a woman. It is both members of the couple who
have to define how the roles are to be carried out, because finally,
a home requires someone to do them and it must be a job shared in
equal parts. If that were not the case, they would have to contribute
financially to cover them both. If the two work, the two pay for
the household, the two participate in the work of the household. The responsibility
for educating children lies with both of them. I think the most serious thing
about machismo is when women are considered an object that can be disposed of without
considering what they think or want. It is difficult to cover all the issues
I would like to put for your consideration. I hope I am not very
wrong in my concepts that and I am awaiting your comments. I know the
contributions to your program are anonymous, but I congratulate you on your program and
I am grateful for everything I listen to every day carefully and sign it.
I really appreciate the trust. I appreciate your comments, no doubt. No
doubt and surely you have heard it here, I share this part of education.
Education certainly begins since we are children, both for men and for women,
and we have talked many times here on the program about how women themselves
fall into repeating phrases that are wrong, because they are not being macho and
I think that is important in what you comment and I thank you very much
for your email. Without a doubt, it seems to me that if we
are frank, as you say, I think sometimes I would have liked my
mom to have educated me differently for me to be the strong inside marriage and
to tolerate certain things that are part of what women live. I could also
tell you that sometimes women also fall into this situation, so what parent they
keep us in, what a pleasure for men to protect us, to put
their physiological differences, like the physical force in favor of the care of women
and suddenly these dilemmas that we can enter into and that you share with us
as a man and that we have often talked about here, the dilemmas that
women can fall into about are complex. It is clear to me that the
issue of abortion is a very complex one. It is a subject that awakens
a lot of feelings and many ambivalent thoughts and that we are in the process
of knowing where and how we settle. I really appreciate your mail. I
share it because I think it makes us all think, men and women.
I can' t help but congratulate the mom you have or had for the
way you educated and for defending these positions within your family, because that makes
us take steps forward. But without a doubt, human beings are full of
contradictions and it is an email that I thank you for the respect with which
you wrote it, for the respect with which you raised your ideas and,
no doubt, at least leave me thinking hello. I have a problem.
Ever since I met my wife, I accepted her with a daughter who was
doing very well, the one who writes her name. We had a son
currently eight years old and since my son was born, his daughter does nothing.
She spends her bed all day, just to eat or to date the
boyfriend she has. She' s twenty- two years old now. I
told my wife why she didn' t tell her daughter to help us do
the housework. She told me she told her and she doesn' t listen
to her, but a few days ago I heard her tell her that she
couldn' t say anything to her, but I couldn' t listen anymore
because I don' t know what to do. I would like you to
help me, as I have even thought about separating myself from my wife,
and I also feel that our son is no longer as heeded her as much
as his daughter, as she has arrived in the early morning. Or he
waits for his daughter, even though the next day he' s in trouble,
he doesn' t even make up for it. What can I do,
because every time he says he' s well tired and that I help
him in the house looks. It seems to me that if the only major
complication issue is the fact that her daughter does nothing, I think that the
idea of separation needs to be reconsidered a little, if that is one more
of many other issues. Well, you know if you do not do it
and how to do it, but I think you need to try a little.
I don' t know if his daughter within him does nothing, neither
does she study and works well. It' s clear to me that not
working, but I don' t know if he' s not studying and
what would happen. If you try to have a conversation with your wife without
criticism. I know that many times we find it very difficult how I have
that conversation if I don' t criticize what' s going on. But
whenever we talk to someone assaulting, claiming by instinct, almost natural the person
is going to get defensive and it seems to me that here what there should
be is a how I feel, that is, speaking in a different tone
and saying to see. I feel like a while into the relationship. I
feel this way what I perceive. I don' t like it. This
is making me even think that maybe we should split up. I see things
this way and this makes me feel that way and maybe I have attacked or
attacked you when I have criticized and I think things don' t go that
way. But I' d like us to readjust how things are at home.
And I also want to know how you feel, because I' d
like us to rethink our partner agreement. I see that I take these responsibilities
at home, that I do this to make things more even. Anyway,
and I' m not feeling that things are working out. Making an approach
from here can generate a different attitude in your partner. It' s not
easy, but you can. The topic is how we approach the difficult situations
of the relationship I hope this gives you an idea and you can approach in
a different way to what they are living. And well with this we get
to the end of the program. We hear each other tomorrow, tomorrow,
Thursday here already in Chayo with you. I hope they get here well,
if they' re on their way, if they' re eating that they
have a good profit. I' m Chayo busquets. This was Chayo with
you until tomorrow. Audio Centre