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The opinions expressed by Chayo Busquets are
supported by his extensive experience as a family

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therapist and in the previous analysis of
the cases presented here welcome. This is

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Chayo with you in jewel. We
begin very good afternoon to everyone as I

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am Chayo Busquets, this Chayo with
you. Very grateful to all of you

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for all your comments, for these
six programs that we had around women'

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s day. From the different aspects, some podcasts are already uploaded There'

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s a couple missing That' s
why we' re going to go up

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as well and then I' m
going to upload them all together so that

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they can have the set of the
six programs. Thank you very much for

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your participation, thanks to the guests
who agreed to be with us. Because

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the truth is that they made this
experience, a very significant and good experience

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we are going to resume our daily
life with chayo programs with you, as

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you are used to and with what
we are going to start. Note that

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there is a word that has been
resounding to me a lot when I talk

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in the office with people who are
in pairs with couples. I read it

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a lot in the e- mails
that come in and it' s the

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word hold. It is very common
to listen to the I have endured a

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lot and I think it is time
to make changes within the relationship or plan

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to get out of the relationship,
but always with this connotation I endured enough.

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It' s been good and I
think a lot about the context of

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this word and it' s a
part of the relationships that we can also

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use in the relationships of friendship,
of brothers, of children, of any

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in any relationship. But speaking specifically
of the couple relationship, this context of

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endurance certainly speaks of the lack of
limits that we don' t know how

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to put and an idea of how
much we would have to endure by then

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deciding to say this no longer or
this attitude I no longer want it.

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You are in the relationship with that
thought is that I endure and then it

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would seem that only valid my right
to put a limit or right to say

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I in this relationship no longer want
to continue only yes, first, I

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endured as if by tiredness, as
if because the other already flat out might

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have committed certain abuses or certain behaviors
that did not seem to me and I

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have to endure and notice that one
of the questions that are very clear on

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how we should put limits is that
the limits must be put to the first

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one. Putting a limit, it' s not bad, it' s

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not bad, it' s not
what happens, it' s just that

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I can' t take anything.
No. How many times have we not

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been told or have we said the
phrase of woe how little you endure as

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if you were involved that in relationships, and especially in couples, we had

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to be holding things and until flat
out the other hand was passed, then

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we would already gain the right to
say or say. I don' t

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like that. And sadly, sometimes
when we already set the limit, it

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' s too late, when sometimes
we already set up a clear context in

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which flat out I already crossed my
hand and passed good, silly or silly,

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then I already earned the right to
tell you. I don' t

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like that. Not long ago I
told a good person, it is that

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there has been violence in the relationship, but only once and as if being

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little, we did not have the
right to say no to this and then

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I would have nothing to complain about, not because it was only once has

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been little. So, well,
let it go. And the point is

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how you endure, how you endure, how much you endure, and then

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you have the right to say no, to put a stop, to say

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things with me like that don'
t go where you are in front of

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this situation. A partner of my
third grader son told him and another little

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girl that her stepfather has abused her
since fifth grade, which she told her

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mom on several occasions, but that
her mom doesn' t believe what we

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can do to help her without getting
into legal trouble. Your brother is of

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age and if you believe him,
but you don' t know what to

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do, what a sad situation he
really is, every time I hear a

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message about this, I just read
whatever it gets to me, he closes

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my skin before me. The specific
question is, since the brother is of

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age and believes him, they should
be advised to file a complaint, because

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the brother can accompany this process.
You can also talk to a locotel and

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ask for information from associations that help
boys and girls of victims of sexual abuse,

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giving support and giving, because all
the support that is required when there

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is a situation like the one that
is living, where the mother does not

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believe him, because depending on the
area in which they live, in what

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tel can give this service, to
give a phone or give the data of

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associations that are dedicated to providing support
to those who do not receive the support

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in order to protect them, advise
them and be able to help If the

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brother believes him, he has a
great ally. There. The other alternative

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is, since the girl has already
opened it, to be able to talk

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it up in school with one of
the people you consider to have sufficient judgment,

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that is, if there is a
psychologist in school, if there is

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any teacher you trust some authority within
the school, to whom you can make

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this comment by asking if the girl
doesn' t mean it by you and

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keep the secret that you reported it
in such a way that the school has

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a way to get close to this
fact and be able to support it.

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Here the most important part, or
what seems to me most significant, is

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the brother, for being a brother
who tells me he is of age and

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who does believe him and who,
therefore, can make a bigger struggle for

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the mother to grasp the importance of
what is happening. Sometimes, within extended

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families, that is, uncles and
so forth, there are people who can

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serve as a support network. Sometimes
there' s someone to turn to to

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say this is happening and my mom
doesn' t believe my sister. I

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do, I think this is happening
in such a way that more than going

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to generate an act of violence against
this man, we resort to the appropriate

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ways to do so with the support
of other figures who can accompany us in

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this and something very important and that
concerns all those who are listening to us

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at this moment. They must always
be believed because this is an unfortunate fact

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very often and sometimes, in the
case of this mother, for example,

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who does not believe it. There
is a sense of shock that makes you

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unable to think that this may be
happening with your partner, with whom you

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have a particular type of bond,
and with the daughter, with whom you

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may be having conflicts. And then
it becomes very complicated to think of the

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guilt that would feel if this were
true. Now too, on the other

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hand, you have to think about
how this brother and this sister can support

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each other, you can support each
other so that this girl will never be

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left alone in the presence of this
stepfather. How they can generate a link

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between them in which she can tell
you what is happening or what is at

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risk, because surely if this is
happening since she was in fifth grade,

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they are whole years and there must
already be a certain dynamic in the way

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this man makes sure this happens,
where this brother could be sharing the room

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with her, protecting, being vigilant, with certain mechanisms that help to know

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what and how this can be avoided. It is not instead of demand,

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rather than looking for other supports,
it is, besides so that this girl

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can live just in this process of
being cared for and eyeed moms dads,

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when a son tells them this and
his idea of it can' t be

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true is related to nothing. If
what happens is that this girl is very

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conflictive. He' s giving me
a lot of trouble and then he'

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s probably making it up out of
jealousy or because he doesn' t like

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it or because it' s the
ways he' s showing his rebellion.

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Think the next thing you know,
it won' t be the other way

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around, it won' t be
just the problems you' re giving.

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What she' s doing is a
result of the abuse she' s being

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victim of, because it' s
not usually going to be a sensible,

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well- managed stability model. Someone
who at the same time is suffering abuse

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so that then, with their proper, responsible, proper cute behavior, then

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tell me and then be believed eye. This generates a very important level of

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conflict in the person and, therefore, that which makes us think that it

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loses credibility is just what can be
a symptom of what is happening. So

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out there I hope that this can
serve you Peter welcome, very helpful for

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what comes, for what comes,
well wolf, that has to come first

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are your data, Pedro, because
if we don' t get in and

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we don' t give them anymore, not for anyone who has a relative

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or someone known, some loved one
like an addiction issue, some drug or

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alcohol or some other kind of additions, this can request it, or if

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the person who is listening recognizes that
he or she has these problems, you

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can request them. My whatsapp is
fifty- five, eighty- five,

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thirty- four, twenty- two, six, two and Facebook can find

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me how. Yeah, that'
s perfect emotional health. Write to him,

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ask him why Pedro Chayo orients you. All the time we are taking

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this issue of drug dependence, drug
dependence for granted, and I think we

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need to talk about a previous step. Why is it that the drug makes

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you dependent, because, like we
already say it, by custom, but

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what involvement, what what, why
we talk about dependence. Yes, notice

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that when we talk about dependence on
a substance, particularly I could tell you

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that there are two types of dependence
that can develop one, which is the

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physical dependence that means that your body
is going to be asking you for the

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substance, probably and others at the
mental level. If he doesn' t

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ask you, your body will ask
you. Your head' s gonna tell

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you. That' s gonna make
you feel great. That' ll solve

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your problems, et cetera, et
cetera. Let' s see, but

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that you develop a dependency is clear
not this one. I remember a lot

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with some patients who sometimes have had
them come to consult because they are about

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to lose their partner or their family
and they tell you that I don'

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t want to lose it, etcetera, etcetera. But that' s when

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I tell them good you contemplate a
life without getting high or without alcohol,

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they tell you I' m not
sure, no, and then sometimes,

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because I have to confront them and
say good then what are you putting as

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a priority in your life? Not
that, it' s actually your wife,

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your kids, or it' s
the substance and forgive. I'

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ve been talking about since a few
Wednesdays, talking a lot about man,

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about man, but to see it
happens exactly the same thing, the same

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thing with woman, but statistics say
it, and that' s why you

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' re talking a lot from man, because statistics say something about it.

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Look for many years man has had
or what he has taken has been found

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in national surveys. Yes, man
usually consumes more, no, but let

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' s see how honest we are. As a woman, she has changed

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her social role, she has gone
fast, wanting to reach the levels that

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have the idea of female equality.
Listen now what we would understand by dependence,

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that you can' t live without
seeing if you can live. That

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' s the good news. The
good news is that you don' t

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need to drink alcohol. You don' t need the alcohol to live on.

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No, I mean, you can, but it looks like your head

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is telling you, it looks like
you do. Okay, so that'

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s what we' re going to
understand by dependency. But it' s

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an interesting topic and I think we' re going to have to dedicate Peter

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to this psychological part, not because
sometimes people believe little in psychological on many

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occasions, I think we' re
going to have to dedicate space with all

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taste, with other beliefs. Well, thank you very much, Peter.

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We' ll find the chayo mantle
via with my husband. It had turned

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out that I wasn' t going
to check his cell phone any more than

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I had anything to know. He
would tell me, but he always earned

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me curiosity and I checked his cell
phone and it turns out I found him

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looking for dates with other women to
go to sex booths. I don'

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t know if he' s made
any appointments, he' s made any

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appointments, but I don' t
know what to do. I don'

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t know if I tell you what
I saw on my cell phone or keep

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quiet, I don' t know
what to do. Without a doubt,

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this topic of cell phones is a
very controversial one because it is clearly an

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invasion of private life. That'
s certainly not proper behavior, it'

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s disrespectful. However, sometimes in
the stories themselves there is an explanation of

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why the cell phone is checked.
And when someone checks your cell phone,

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as is your case, and you
reconfirm that there' s a lack of

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relationship that clearly he wasn' t
going to tell you. It reinforces this

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need to get into the cell phone, to investigate what is happening, to

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know what is hidden by the couple. And here there are very controversial situations.

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I insist because, on the one
hand, it is to what my

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partner has the right in his private
life, that he would not have to

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be telling me points signs of what
he is doing. However, when in

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that private life it is lacking the
point of encounter, the exclusivity of the

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relationship, that which is part of
what we promised, of what we agreed,

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of what has to do with this
topic, of what corresponds to the

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exclusivity of the relationship, clearly it
seems that what is the greatest lack.

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Not the biggest fault is that I' m checking your cell phone, or

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the biggest fault is that you'
re missing a primordial agreement from our relationship

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and our encounter. It seems to
me that the doubt with you is not

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in, if I tell my partner, although we had already stayed, that

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I do not check his cell phone, but in a review that is first

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personal and then couple. I mean, there' s a clear lack of

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your partner that has to do with
your commitment to you. And if this

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is something that has been repeated,
then you have to ask yourself if you

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want to stay in a relationship where
to be certain, you need to be

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checking your cell phone and, besides, when you check your cell phone,

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you find this. I have said
many times that, in a very simplistic

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way, there are two types of
infidelities, the person who on the way

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of his life suddenly slipped through everyday
life, by the kind of interaction that

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was presented with the third person And
when he realizes this and speaks in the

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couple, it is perfectly understood that
this is part of something that happened,

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that it was not planned and that
suddenly the person was involved and that he

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wants the mint, he wants a
second chance. He regrets this and from

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there he learns to be careful in
his life. Who, unlike this,

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your lifestyle is to be flirting,
seducing, inviting and having different levels of

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infidelity with other people as part of
your way of life. I don'

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t know if this comes here to
corroborate that your partner has a lifestyle like

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this. Behind your back and where
I don' t know if it'

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s the first time, the second, the third, the fifth, you

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find the same thing and, by
making you promise, you' re not

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going to check your cell phone.
Actually, what he wants is to be

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allowed to live this part behind your
back. And here we are already talking

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about another type of person, with
another type of experience, always looking for

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pleasure. And what he wants is
for you not to know because the way

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I would find out is through the
cell phone, because he has a very

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careful way of committing these faults.
And if it wasn' t for the

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cell phone, you wouldn' t
know. But the first thing you have

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to ask yourself and if you want
to be like this in a relationship,

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because it doesn' t seem like
there' s room for change, if

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this is for you a negative answer, I mean, I don' t

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want to be there anymore. Well, this only came to corroborate it and

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then easy to tell your partner,
because look yes, I fell into temptation

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00:22:36.440 --> 00:22:41.079
again and checked my cell phone.
But these faults, without a doubt,

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are definitive for me and I do
not want to continue in such a relationship,

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and then the notification of clarias in
a much clearer and more formal way.

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So it' s not easy.
There' s a lot involved,

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but you have to determine first of
all personally what if you want and what

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you don' t want and how
far you want to keep getting promises and

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also with a lock that is and
don' t get into my cell phone.

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Uh, when right now you'
d need the certainty from your partner

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that, besides, I' d
have to offer you. No, you

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don' t have to get in. We' re going to have a

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series of behaviors, starting with mine, where I need to earn your trust

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again and, therefore, this has
to be much more transparent, easy.

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He' s not here, and
I hope this will help your answer.

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There came a mail, but for
the time and so on, Women'

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s Day, from a man whom
I' m going to leave in the

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anonymous as everyone else, and not
because there' s anything wrong with it.

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His mail is always anonymous and I
found what he says very interesting.

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He titled his mail with signs of
Machismo interrogation estimated chayo. Today is World

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Women' s Day and I dare
ask two questions about it. Women complain

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about machismo, but what about the
claims that the same women use and give

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two examples. The man is the
one who conquers the woman or has me

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without money, without house, we
have nothing. I know I haven'

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t had the ability to generate wealth, and the truth has made my marriage

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even more complicated. I know that
having her without money can be considered violence,

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but I am a man who wants
her to do well, to have

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friends, to enjoy the same advantages, as a man who can do everything

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he wants safely to go out at
the time he wants to dress like desire

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without worrying. I' m the
oldest of six brothers, three men and

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three women. My mom taught me
gender equality, she didn' t allow

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the limits my father wanted to put
on us. He engaged in all the

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activities of the home, cooking,
shopping var and never forced my sisters to

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serve the brothers. I' ve
analyzed what I live day by day in

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my marriage and I think it would
be easier if I had been taught that

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the man is the strong one and
can stand the woman with her outbursts of

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anger hormonal changes. But maybe that' s where my mother was wrong,

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as she waited for equality for us
to treat ourselves with respect and dignity.

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But that is complicated when the assessment
of the facts is very different for her

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than for me. I believe that
gender- based violence has its origin since

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the child, since the child is
told to protect her sister, because she

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is weak that she has to take
care of her. Even though there are

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differences in our bodies and we have
different abilities. We have the same right

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to say, to demand, to
dress as you like, to study whatever

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you want and to work forgiveness in
whatever you want with a similar payment,

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without any distinction only the quality of
the work done. What I do not

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share, for example, is abortion, as I think it is not a

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decision about your body, but that
of a new life. The decision about

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your body is when you have sex, knowing the risk of pregnancy, and

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it is both members of the couple
who must take it into account and take

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responsibility for everything that comes with that
relationship. Obviously, when there' s

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a crime involved, my considerations are
different about it. I wish it didn

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' t exist, though. I
think machismo, that is, that man

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is obliged to support a woman.
It is both members of the couple who

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have to define how the roles are
to be carried out, because finally,

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a home requires someone to do them
and it must be a job shared in

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equal parts. If that were not
the case, they would have to contribute

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financially to cover them both. If
the two work, the two pay for

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the household, the two participate in
the work of the household. The responsibility

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for educating children lies with both of
them. I think the most serious thing

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about machismo is when women are considered
an object that can be disposed of without

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considering what they think or want.
It is difficult to cover all the issues

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I would like to put for your
consideration. I hope I am not very

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wrong in my concepts that and I
am awaiting your comments. I know the

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contributions to your program are anonymous,
but I congratulate you on your program and

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I am grateful for everything I listen
to every day carefully and sign it.

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I really appreciate the trust. I
appreciate your comments, no doubt. No

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doubt and surely you have heard it
here, I share this part of education.

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Education certainly begins since we are children, both for men and for women,

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and we have talked many times here
on the program about how women themselves

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fall into repeating phrases that are wrong, because they are not being macho and

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I think that is important in what
you comment and I thank you very much

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for your email. Without a doubt, it seems to me that if we

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00:29:03.519 --> 00:29:07.559
are frank, as you say,
I think sometimes I would have liked my

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mom to have educated me differently for
me to be the strong inside marriage and

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00:29:15.920 --> 00:29:18.400
to tolerate certain things that are part
of what women live. I could also

305
00:29:18.440 --> 00:29:25.400
tell you that sometimes women also fall
into this situation, so what parent they

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00:29:25.440 --> 00:29:30.000
keep us in, what a pleasure
for men to protect us, to put

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00:29:30.079 --> 00:29:37.759
their physiological differences, like the physical
force in favor of the care of women

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00:29:37.799 --> 00:29:42.319
and suddenly these dilemmas that we can
enter into and that you share with us

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as a man and that we have
often talked about here, the dilemmas that

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women can fall into about are complex. It is clear to me that the

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issue of abortion is a very complex
one. It is a subject that awakens

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00:29:59.359 --> 00:30:07.359
a lot of feelings and many ambivalent
thoughts and that we are in the process

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of knowing where and how we settle. I really appreciate your mail. I

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00:30:12.960 --> 00:30:19.160
share it because I think it makes
us all think, men and women.

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00:30:22.400 --> 00:30:27.720
I can' t help but congratulate
the mom you have or had for the

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00:30:27.720 --> 00:30:34.359
way you educated and for defending these
positions within your family, because that makes

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00:30:34.480 --> 00:30:41.480
us take steps forward. But without
a doubt, human beings are full of

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00:30:41.519 --> 00:30:48.039
contradictions and it is an email that
I thank you for the respect with which

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00:30:48.039 --> 00:30:52.839
you wrote it, for the respect
with which you raised your ideas and,

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00:30:52.119 --> 00:31:02.319
no doubt, at least leave me
thinking hello. I have a problem.

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00:31:03.160 --> 00:31:07.640
Ever since I met my wife,
I accepted her with a daughter who was

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00:31:07.680 --> 00:31:12.839
doing very well, the one who
writes her name. We had a son

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00:31:12.920 --> 00:31:18.119
currently eight years old and since my
son was born, his daughter does nothing.

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00:31:18.880 --> 00:31:23.559
She spends her bed all day,
just to eat or to date the

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00:31:23.680 --> 00:31:29.519
boyfriend she has. She' s
twenty- two years old now. I

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00:31:29.599 --> 00:31:32.119
told my wife why she didn'
t tell her daughter to help us do

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00:31:32.160 --> 00:31:36.799
the housework. She told me she
told her and she doesn' t listen

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00:31:36.880 --> 00:31:40.880
to her, but a few days
ago I heard her tell her that she

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00:31:41.000 --> 00:31:44.640
couldn' t say anything to her, but I couldn' t listen anymore

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00:31:44.799 --> 00:31:48.559
because I don' t know what
to do. I would like you to

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00:31:48.559 --> 00:31:52.000
help me, as I have even
thought about separating myself from my wife,

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00:31:52.599 --> 00:31:56.480
and I also feel that our son
is no longer as heeded her as much

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00:31:56.319 --> 00:31:59.720
as his daughter, as she has
arrived in the early morning. Or he

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00:31:59.799 --> 00:32:02.400
waits for his daughter, even though
the next day he' s in trouble,

335
00:32:02.640 --> 00:32:05.759
he doesn' t even make up
for it. What can I do,

336
00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:08.720
because every time he says he'
s well tired and that I help

337
00:32:08.799 --> 00:32:22.119
him in the house looks. It
seems to me that if the only major

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00:32:22.240 --> 00:32:27.160
complication issue is the fact that her
daughter does nothing, I think that the

339
00:32:27.240 --> 00:32:35.000
idea of separation needs to be reconsidered
a little, if that is one more

340
00:32:35.319 --> 00:32:39.319
of many other issues. Well,
you know if you do not do it

341
00:32:39.400 --> 00:32:45.319
and how to do it, but
I think you need to try a little.

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00:32:46.200 --> 00:32:51.240
I don' t know if his
daughter within him does nothing, neither

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00:32:51.240 --> 00:32:54.119
does she study and works well.
It' s clear to me that not

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00:32:54.920 --> 00:33:00.079
working, but I don' t
know if he' s not studying and

345
00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:05.839
what would happen. If you try
to have a conversation with your wife without

346
00:33:06.000 --> 00:33:12.759
criticism. I know that many times
we find it very difficult how I have

347
00:33:12.880 --> 00:33:16.240
that conversation if I don' t
criticize what' s going on. But

348
00:33:16.559 --> 00:33:29.319
whenever we talk to someone assaulting,
claiming by instinct, almost natural the person

349
00:33:29.400 --> 00:33:35.279
is going to get defensive and it
seems to me that here what there should

350
00:33:35.319 --> 00:33:40.240
be is a how I feel,
that is, speaking in a different tone

351
00:33:40.720 --> 00:33:52.240
and saying to see. I feel
like a while into the relationship. I

352
00:33:52.359 --> 00:33:59.200
feel this way what I perceive.
I don' t like it. This

353
00:33:59.279 --> 00:34:05.720
is making me even think that maybe
we should split up. I see things

354
00:34:05.839 --> 00:34:12.679
this way and this makes me feel
that way and maybe I have attacked or

355
00:34:12.800 --> 00:34:19.000
attacked you when I have criticized and
I think things don' t go that

356
00:34:19.000 --> 00:34:25.159
way. But I' d like
us to readjust how things are at home.

357
00:34:25.320 --> 00:34:32.039
And I also want to know how
you feel, because I' d

358
00:34:32.159 --> 00:34:43.480
like us to rethink our partner agreement. I see that I take these responsibilities

359
00:34:43.599 --> 00:34:49.199
at home, that I do this
to make things more even. Anyway,

360
00:34:49.480 --> 00:34:57.760
and I' m not feeling that
things are working out. Making an approach

361
00:34:58.400 --> 00:35:07.039
from here can generate a different attitude
in your partner. It' s not

362
00:35:07.440 --> 00:35:15.559
easy, but you can. The
topic is how we approach the difficult situations

363
00:35:15.679 --> 00:35:21.320
of the relationship I hope this gives
you an idea and you can approach in

364
00:35:21.400 --> 00:35:27.159
a different way to what they are
living. And well with this we get

365
00:35:27.280 --> 00:35:30.639
to the end of the program.
We hear each other tomorrow, tomorrow,

366
00:35:32.199 --> 00:35:37.079
Thursday here already in Chayo with you. I hope they get here well,

367
00:35:37.679 --> 00:35:40.639
if they' re on their way, if they' re eating that they

368
00:35:40.639 --> 00:35:43.800
have a good profit. I'
m Chayo busquets. This was Chayo with

369
00:35:44.440 --> 00:35:49.639
you until tomorrow. Audio Centre