1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:07,960 I'm sixteen. I really should know better. This isn't me. I shouldn't 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:12,519 have wished for a way to hurt others. I was wrong. There was 3 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:17,199 a heat of the moment thing, I promise. And if I'd known my 4 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:22,480 wish might actually have been granted, well then I wouldn't have made it. 5 00:00:23,879 --> 00:00:31,640 I wouldn't, and yet it was. You're a stupid girl, Katie. 6 00:00:32,079 --> 00:00:36,600 My sisters spat at me, her eyebrows furrowed with disgust. When are you 7 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:40,799 going to grow up and accept some accountability for your actions? I hate you, 8 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:45,280 I screamed back into her face, turning and slamming the front door behind 9 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:49,640 me. In a burst of rage, through the darkness, I stormed down 10 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:54,560 the path towards the road as leaves were blown about my feet, scuttling and 11 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:59,759 swirling in the gloom. I hate her, It's all I thought, over 12 00:01:00,039 --> 00:01:04,000 and over again. She went off to college and came back thinking she was 13 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:11,040 some amazing genius. Well she's not. She's just this awful she's always been. 14 00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:15,879 I can't believe I actually missed her. Struck by the cold, I 15 00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:21,239 became further frustrated by how hastily I left the house. I didn't even grab 16 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:26,239 myself a jacket. When are you going to grow up and accept some accountability 17 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:33,040 for your actions? Ah, I muttered out loud, seething, striding down 18 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:37,599 the roadside, the puddles beneath my feet illuminated in the glow of the street 19 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:42,799 lamps. My frustrations merged with others. My thoughts leapt like electricity onto other 20 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:49,200 similar poisons. I consider the girls in my form class. They'd like to 21 00:01:49,239 --> 00:01:52,640 make fun of me. I thought about the boy I crush on and the 22 00:01:52,719 --> 00:01:57,599 conversation I overheard him whispering and laughing about to his friends. I'm pretty sure 23 00:01:57,599 --> 00:02:02,799 it's about me. I clenched my fists and looked up to the sky, 24 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:12,319 and there, through a gap in the clouds, I saw it, the 25 00:02:12,479 --> 00:02:19,360 shooting star. It was red, and I felt it reflected in my eyes 26 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:24,680 as it silently tore across the void and vanished into nothingness. I wish I 27 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:29,199 had a way to hurt people, I thought to myself, in a way 28 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:36,000 that they hurt me. I stopped for a second, just thinking, and 29 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:40,520 for a while I felt a little better, a little calmer. It was 30 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:49,879 just cathartic, that wish, nothing more so was it a coincidence. I 31 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:54,479 found the bear that night, or was it fate? I don't know. 32 00:02:55,599 --> 00:03:00,000 I turned after I saw the star. With a deep, slow breath of 33 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:06,360 cold late night air, I began to return home. I chose, for 34 00:03:06,439 --> 00:03:12,000 reasons unknown to me, a root I would not normally have taken, And 35 00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:16,520 on this root, beneath a flickering light, set a box with free to 36 00:03:16,639 --> 00:03:23,439 a good Home scrawled in marker across the side. It caught my eye and 37 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:27,520 I paused as the wind sent a chill up the back of my neck. 38 00:03:29,319 --> 00:03:34,719 I went over to it. Of course, curiosity compelled me. I just 39 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:40,479 wanted to see. And there in the box, sat propped against the back, 40 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:49,080 was a stuffed bear, a teddy. It wasn't like a classic one, 41 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:54,560 no, it looked more modern. Plus she styled a little damp about 42 00:03:54,560 --> 00:04:00,719 the head and shoulders with drizzle, but otherwise in good condition. A thick, 43 00:04:00,919 --> 00:04:03,280 dark pen, perhaps the same one that had been used to write the 44 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:08,280 name on the side of the box, was tucked into his collar, and 45 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:15,479 from this collar hung a small white rectangle. My name is it said in 46 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:21,800 tiny letters above the blank white space. My cl plushes. But I was 47 00:04:21,879 --> 00:04:26,759 not about to take some gross thing from the side of the road. So 48 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,800 I made to leave, and as I walked away, I began to think 49 00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:35,279 how good this little bear would look alongside my others, my other plushes. 50 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:41,920 Now I thought, I'm too old for soft toys. Now I don't need 51 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:48,920 it. I stopped. My sister's voice returned to my head. When are 52 00:04:48,959 --> 00:04:54,560 you going to grow up? She said, and I felt another bristle of 53 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:59,639 anger flood my veins with warmth. Screw it, I said out loud, 54 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,519 swiveling on the spot. Why shouldn't I take it? It's my damn life. 55 00:05:04,759 --> 00:05:09,720 And I reached down into the box and grabbed him up, cradling him 56 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:14,800 in my arms as I strode back down the road towards my house. It 57 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,959 was soft and warm, and just a little bit heavier than I was expecting. 58 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:26,240 My sister was waiting for me when I returned. I pushed through the 59 00:05:26,319 --> 00:05:30,600 door and shuddered with a welcome wave of heat from inside. What the hell 60 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:34,560 is that, she asked, pointing at the bear. Where have you been? 61 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:39,279 Are you serious storming off into the dark like a little kid when you 62 00:05:39,319 --> 00:05:43,800 get mad? I was worried about you. Do you even I squeezed the 63 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:49,319 bear a little tighter and walked right past her screw Rachel I hissed, interrupting 64 00:05:49,399 --> 00:05:54,319 and ignoring a further tirade. As I pounded my way up the stairs to 65 00:05:54,399 --> 00:05:59,360 my room, I slammed shut the door and allowed myself another deep breath, 66 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:04,199 then placed the bear on my bed, carefully looking him over. I reached 67 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:09,839 over and eased the market pen out from its collar, and as I did 68 00:06:09,879 --> 00:06:14,519 so, a little folded note was pulled out too, and it fell and 69 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:20,720 patted against the sheets. The room felt a little colder. Just then I 70 00:06:20,759 --> 00:06:27,480 looked from the note into the eyes of the bear, and silently, emptily, 71 00:06:28,079 --> 00:06:31,879 he looked back into mine. I swallowed and reached for the note, 72 00:06:32,199 --> 00:06:39,639 Opening it up. It read, give me a name to make me reel, 73 00:06:40,319 --> 00:06:46,560 then choose how best to make me feel shivering. I read through it 74 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:50,560 again. It made me uneasy, this note, and I began to doubt 75 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:55,639 whether or not the rescue of the bear had been a good idea. This 76 00:06:55,879 --> 00:07:00,000 gross, random bear found in a box at the side of the street. 77 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:06,720 Ah, right, okay. I kept the pen and the notes separate and 78 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:12,680 decided to toss the toy into the washer to blitz him clean. I couldn't 79 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:16,120 get his collar off were the little whiteboard tag, so I just left it 80 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:20,759 attached. Once he was washed, I threw him in the dryer and went 81 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:27,720 to bed, exhausted and weary, and still very much frustrated with the world. 82 00:07:29,519 --> 00:07:33,600 My dreams were walked and uneasy. I saw myself writing a name onto 83 00:07:33,639 --> 00:07:39,319 the bear's tag, though I cannot recall now what it is that I wrote, 84 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:45,720 We're adrift in a world that didn't exist. The bear and I then 85 00:07:45,879 --> 00:07:51,399 and altogether rather featureless passer by strolled past beneath a flickering street lamp, and 86 00:07:51,879 --> 00:07:58,759 I completed the name, And once the light turned green and the passer by 87 00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:03,839 came to a stop, I remember placing my hands on the bare's soft leg. 88 00:08:03,519 --> 00:08:09,759 I remember squeezing and twisting, and I remember the passerby collapsing to the 89 00:08:09,839 --> 00:08:15,720 ground, shaking. I remember turning the toy's leg into a position there would 90 00:08:15,759 --> 00:08:20,800 not physically be possible for a real person, and with a sickening crunch, 91 00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:26,959 the leg of the passerby snapped in the exact same manner they writhed about on 92 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:31,240 the ground, and with no mouth of their own. There was no cry 93 00:08:31,279 --> 00:08:35,519 of pain, but I felt as if I could still hear it all the 94 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:41,519 same echoing around in my head, and I felt good as they writhed. 95 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:48,279 The light shone greener and brighter and louder. I awoke the next morning with 96 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:52,519 my heart pounding with fear, with a sheen of sweat across my forehead, 97 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:58,840 and with a sickness in the base of my stomach. What the hell was 98 00:08:58,879 --> 00:09:03,279 that I might? Tearing off the sheets and rushing to the dryer to grab 99 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:09,200 the bear. I found him as I expected, this for a little fuzzier 100 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,639 than it had been, and I brought him back to my room with me. 101 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:18,960 The sun had only just begun to rise, and a thin sliver of 102 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:24,639 silvery light was cast into my room, heavy with shadows. I looked at 103 00:09:24,639 --> 00:09:28,200 the bear, at the note, at the pen, and the little tag 104 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:35,080 my name is. And as I looked the bear over, I was unable 105 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:39,120 to help recalling my anger with my oldest sister. How a harsh and horrible 106 00:09:39,159 --> 00:09:45,320 words had spurred me to leave the house and rage to walk the street alone 107 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:50,200 at night that had been dangerous, and she just let me go, She 108 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:56,399 didn't even come after me. I clenched my teeth and fumed all the rage 109 00:09:56,399 --> 00:10:01,320 of the previous night resurging, and I acted as I had in the dream. 110 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:07,200 I gave the bear a name. I gave it my sisters. I 111 00:10:07,279 --> 00:10:13,039 wrote Rachel on his tag or her tag, I guess. And then I 112 00:10:13,159 --> 00:10:18,120 looked at it. I looked at this bear with my sister's name written on 113 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:22,639 the tag, and I just sighed and shook my head. What am I 114 00:10:22,759 --> 00:10:26,840 doing here? I said out loud, Just let it go. This is 115 00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:35,080 ridiculous. Already the visions and the dreams were beginning to fade. It all 116 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:41,759 seems so stupid. Maybe it's just right. Maybe I do need to grow 117 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:48,080 up to be accountable. I looked at the bear, and images flashed in 118 00:10:48,159 --> 00:10:54,000 my head of my sister's face, snarling, smirking, shouting, of her 119 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:58,639 belittling me, of her twisting my words and getting me into trouble with my 120 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:05,200 parents, of her rebuffing my attempts at contacting her at university, because because 121 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:09,639 it's just too busy with her precious new friends to even think of me. 122 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,480 And in a sudden burst of fury, I grabbed the bear in my hands. 123 00:11:15,279 --> 00:11:18,600 I grabbed it by the arm, and I twisted back as far as 124 00:11:18,639 --> 00:11:24,799 I can. I expected the soft squish of a plushy, conforming comfortably to 125 00:11:24,879 --> 00:11:28,080 whatever forces applied upon it, before jumping back to the way it was. 126 00:11:30,759 --> 00:11:37,240 What I was not expecting was a loud, sickening crunch a snap. The 127 00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:43,679 bear's arm did not spring back. I stared at it in horror as fluid 128 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:48,080 began to lead through the stitching. In a panic, I snapped it back 129 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:52,559 to where it was before, my hands shaking, and a scream from the 130 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:58,320 other room echoed loud and clear throughout the house. Oh my god, Oh 131 00:11:58,399 --> 00:12:03,840 my god. I instantly darted forward and scrubbed my sister's name from the bear's 132 00:12:03,879 --> 00:12:07,919 tag. There's no way. There's just no way. I smashed through my 133 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:13,120 bedroom door and ran to my sister's room, as did my parents, and 134 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:18,200 we found her on the floor beside her bed, tears rolling down her face. 135 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:26,919 Her arms snapped and clearly broken. My eyes flew wide open. I 136 00:12:26,039 --> 00:12:31,200 fell to the ground beside her and held her, sobbing. I'm sorry, 137 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:37,559 I whimpered, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. She choked on 138 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:41,399 her tears and clutched me with a good arm. It's okay, I'm sorry 139 00:12:41,399 --> 00:12:48,200 too. I didn't mean it either, I'm sorry, but she didn't know 140 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:54,720 she didn't know what I was really apologizing for. I never forgot the panic 141 00:12:54,799 --> 00:13:03,759 and fear of that morning, but over time it began to morph into something 142 00:13:03,799 --> 00:13:13,679 else, And so here we are present day, A week later. My 143 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:18,000 sister's arm is still all busted, but the doctor's believe she'll make a full 144 00:13:18,039 --> 00:13:26,279 recovery with time. No one knows exactly what happened, no one except me. 145 00:13:26,799 --> 00:13:30,759 We all think she just fell out of bed in a sleep, a 146 00:13:30,759 --> 00:13:37,200 freak accident. But I know the truth. I know what happened. I 147 00:13:37,279 --> 00:13:43,000 did this to her, And as this last week passed by, my sister 148 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:48,600 and I were reconciled, We forgave each other. We have, in fact, 149 00:13:48,879 --> 00:13:54,480 never been on better terms. And this new positivity, this success, 150 00:13:54,559 --> 00:14:01,759 I guess it warped something in my head. I started to feel good about 151 00:14:01,759 --> 00:14:07,759 what I did. The guilt who evaporated. I began to smile when I 152 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:11,559 thought about snapping her arm. It was for the best, I reasoned. 153 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:18,159 I should have trusted myself. I don't know what kind of dark magic this 154 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:22,279 bear is imbued with, but I'm not weak. I'm not the tight to 155 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:26,519 let it overwhelm me. I can use it. I can use this toy 156 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:31,360 for my own ends to make everything better, to make a better world, 157 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:41,399 and so I do. I returned to school after Christmas break with a new 158 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:46,240 found confidence, willing to give the people who have tormented me the benefit of 159 00:14:46,279 --> 00:14:50,080 the doubt. I don't think my gait makes a difference, however, they 160 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:56,639 see my confidence as an obvious target. The popular girls, the one who 161 00:14:56,799 --> 00:15:03,240 was picked me out, Frere Willow Alice didn't get any make of a Christmas. 162 00:15:03,279 --> 00:15:07,960 Then Katie Frey calls to me and they laugh. They all laugh. 163 00:15:09,039 --> 00:15:11,559 Don't be a dick, some boy says to her, passing us all by. 164 00:15:13,559 --> 00:15:16,759 I don't know his name, but he's one of Robbie's friends, my 165 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:26,759 enduring crush Robbie. This only makes the trio laugh harder. I smile humorlessly 166 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:31,360 at them and head to my class. Though Freya's dumb, simple comment plays 167 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:37,600 my head all day. I find myself examining my face in the mirror, 168 00:15:37,159 --> 00:15:45,360 freshly insecure. During English, Willow accidentally splashes the water all the way at 169 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:50,679 my back. It's cold and clammy. The teacher believes her when she says 170 00:15:50,679 --> 00:15:54,039 she didn't do it on purpose, and I am left humiliated and fuming. 171 00:15:56,519 --> 00:16:00,480 I am called on to answer a question in the final lesson, and I 172 00:16:00,519 --> 00:16:04,960 feel myself flush with preemptive embarrassment. I try my best to answer the question 173 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:10,600 as neutraally and as uninterestingly as possible, to give no one in the room 174 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:17,080 anything to comment on. But my attempts make no difference. When I'm done, 175 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,720 I shoot a look over to Alice and Freyer in the corner, and 176 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:26,960 they huddle together, whispering and laughing and glancing at me. I clenched my 177 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:30,879 fists beneath the desk. I ignore the text messages that come through as I 178 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:37,000 head to the bus, the ones telling me to end myself. I'm not 179 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,799 an idiot. I would never do it, and I wouldn't allow some text 180 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:45,000 to affect me so deeply. But they don't know that. They don't care. 181 00:16:45,679 --> 00:16:52,480 It's so damn rude, and it's all too much. But I can 182 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:59,840 do something about it now. I allow my bitterness to fester and swarm like 183 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:03,119 a dark cloud on the ride home, and the second I'm off that bus, 184 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:07,200 I marched straight back into the house, head up to my room and 185 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:11,920 shut the door uptight, taking the bear from where I hid him in my 186 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:17,319 wardrobe and placing him on the center of my bed. I unclasped the lid 187 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:22,400 of the marker. My mind bent on hurt, I do not allow entry 188 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:27,920 to any other thoughts. I scribble onto the name tag. My name is 189 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:37,200 Freyer. And then before I changed my mind, I punched the bear right 190 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:42,039 in the face, and I laugh. I can't help it, imagining that 191 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:48,680 this thing is actually her. It's therapeutic. I punch it again, and 192 00:17:48,799 --> 00:17:55,319 again, and then again. The area I strike grows warmer with each subsequent 193 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:59,720 hit. One of the bear's eyes begins to sparkle red in the reflection of 194 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:07,200 the It weeps a little on some kind of fiery roll. I scrubbed the 195 00:18:07,279 --> 00:18:11,119 name away and replace it with Willow. I grabbed the bear by the hand 196 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:15,839 and take it into the bathroom. Adrenaline causing through me as I spin the 197 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:22,400 tap and allow the sink to fill with sharp cold water. And then, 198 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:27,200 struggling against a rising tide of fear gnawing away at me, I channel instead 199 00:18:27,599 --> 00:18:33,519 the good feelings, the good feelings of revenge, and I dunk the bear 200 00:18:33,599 --> 00:18:37,839 beneath the water, holding it there. It feels strange in my hand, 201 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:45,319 like it seems the throb almost like a thing with an actual heartbeat wood. 202 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:51,440 It twitches my hand and a bubble escapes from the bear's mouth, shimmering its 203 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:56,240 way up to the surface, where it pops. I hold it there for 204 00:18:56,279 --> 00:19:02,400 a minute, maybe a little longer, and then release it. The bear 205 00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:07,720 isn't warm anymore, it's ice cold. And at last, I wipe away 206 00:19:07,759 --> 00:19:15,599 the name and replace it with Alice. I'm shaking now. My conscious is 207 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:22,400 screaming at me to stop, but I've committed. Alice was the one sending 208 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,720 the messages. I'm sure of it. She's the worst of them, the 209 00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:33,599 absolute worst. I hate her. I grab one of Dad's disposable razors and 210 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,599 I slice it across the bear's chest, left and right, criss cross, 211 00:19:38,799 --> 00:19:45,440 and to my horror, it bleeds, not a little, but a lot. 212 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:51,839 Scarlet splashes are splattered across the white of the sink the bath. It 213 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,759 oozes down across the bear's fur, and I drop the thing. In horror, 214 00:19:56,839 --> 00:20:00,599 I wipe away the name and lock the bathroom, collapsing down with my 215 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:08,160 hands against my head. Reality sets in. What have I done? I 216 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:14,160 start hyperventilating. You adrenaline morse into what feels like the beginning of a panic 217 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:18,519 attack. I looked down at the blood of my hands. Oh God, 218 00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:23,079 oh God. I wash it away as quickly as I can. I must 219 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:29,000 use at least half of the soap dispensers, content trembling and spilling it everywhere. 220 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:34,039 I hastily wipe up all the scarlet spray and something other days, the 221 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:37,839 bear seems to have stopped bleeding, so I grab it up and return it 222 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:42,880 to my room, face pale. You stuffed him in the wardrobe and forced 223 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:47,319 shut down on my phone before I can give myself a chance to read any 224 00:20:47,319 --> 00:20:52,160 potential income in texts. I spend the rest of the evening on the verge 225 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:56,480 of panic. I've gone too far. What the hell was that? That 226 00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:02,200 wasn't me, That's not me? Why did I do that? Why did 227 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:08,119 I do all that horrible stuff? Nightfalls, I dream that I'm back in 228 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:15,480 that unfamiliar world. The street light flickers, and above it, half shrouded 229 00:21:15,599 --> 00:21:22,839 in the darkness, is the bear, colossal, this time gigantic. In 230 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:27,799 his paws are a series of strings, and beneath him he dances the bodies 231 00:21:27,799 --> 00:21:33,720 of Freyer, Willow, and Alice. I watch in horror as their eyes 232 00:21:33,839 --> 00:21:40,119 flicker over to me as they dance their bones cracking as the strings are pulled. 233 00:21:41,799 --> 00:21:47,119 A low grown echoes through the darkness, and the bear lifts his gaze 234 00:21:47,200 --> 00:22:00,440 to mine. I awake, cold and breathless. It was a dream, 235 00:22:00,519 --> 00:22:06,359 right? Was it all a dream? I am shaking as I bore the 236 00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:11,839 bus to school. I see the other kids murmuring to themselves, whispering, 237 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:15,480 showing pictures to each other on their phones. No one looks at me, 238 00:22:15,559 --> 00:22:23,920 though no one Frayer is not at school. The rumor mill suggests that she 239 00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:29,799 got herself into a fight and got beat up pretty badly. Someone said her 240 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:34,000 entire eye on one side had seal closed, though no one could say who 241 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:40,839 the fight was with. Alice is also absent from school. I looked for 242 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:47,000 her feverish glances down the corridors, over to her empty desk, but she 243 00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:52,680 never showed this time. The rumor said that she cut herself pretty badly. 244 00:22:52,559 --> 00:22:56,160 Apparently she sent a picture to one of her friends in fright, and that 245 00:22:56,279 --> 00:23:03,440 picture is now circulating. I didn't particularly want to see it. I feel 246 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:07,720 sick. I feel like I'm going to throw up at any point. I 247 00:23:07,799 --> 00:23:11,960 went afar. I did it again? Did I really think this would make 248 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:18,319 things better? Willow is the only one of the trio at school today. 249 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,640 I gathered the courage to head over to her. She shakes as she looks 250 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:27,960 at me. She's pale, her breathing is shallow, and her eyes bloodshot. 251 00:23:30,319 --> 00:23:34,599 We stare at each other for a long, long moment. Hey, 252 00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:41,359 I start unsure what to say. I've never called approach to like this before. 253 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:48,279 She says nothing. I just heard some rumors our Freyer and Alice. 254 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:53,319 Okay, I don't know, she replies, quietly, rubbing her hand against 255 00:23:53,319 --> 00:24:00,799 her throat. Please leave me alone. She reaches for a water, hesitates, 256 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:06,759 and then decides against it. She rubs her throat again. She clears 257 00:24:06,799 --> 00:24:11,440 it forces herself to cough. She looks back up at me. Please just 258 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:22,920 go, And so I do, pondering she didn't even try to make fun 259 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:30,000 of me? Did it work? Doubt and guilt all swell around together. 260 00:24:32,079 --> 00:24:37,960 I just don't know anymore. I just don't know. Another week goes by. 261 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:42,519 Freyer at last returns to school. She has a lot of swelling around 262 00:24:42,559 --> 00:24:48,119 her face. It's bright with a bruise. Alice never comes back, however, 263 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:55,440 She's spoken about only in whispers now. Apparently her parents freaked out about 264 00:24:55,480 --> 00:25:00,680 something and had her transfer schools immediately. The same sequence of feelings as the 265 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:04,920 ones following the incident with my sister play out in me. The guilt gives 266 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:12,119 way to cold triumph. Freyer and Willow never bother me again. They don't 267 00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:18,480 seem to bother anyone actually, and Alice will be fine. She will just 268 00:25:18,559 --> 00:25:21,799 go and be the popular girl in whatever school she ends up at next. 269 00:25:22,079 --> 00:25:27,200 I'm sure I spend a great deal of time these days just watching Robbie the 270 00:25:27,319 --> 00:25:33,839 boy alike. He actually smiled at me the other day. I like to 271 00:25:33,839 --> 00:25:37,839 watch him as we all go to catch the buses. He actually clegs his 272 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:42,240 little sister and they head home together. It's very sweet, the way he 273 00:25:42,319 --> 00:25:48,519 looks out for her. It's good with kids. I was gushing to my 274 00:25:48,559 --> 00:25:52,240 big sister about him one day, and she laughed and told me to go 275 00:25:52,279 --> 00:25:56,160 ahead and ask him out already. And I thought to myself, hey, 276 00:25:56,319 --> 00:26:03,960 maybe I will, Maybe I can. So I find myself watching him as 277 00:26:03,039 --> 00:26:07,799 the day progresses, trying to work up the courage and confidence. It's a 278 00:26:07,839 --> 00:26:11,880 Friday, so I have to ask him out today or I'll be forced to 279 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:17,039 wait until Monday. I don't know if I'll be able to do that, 280 00:26:17,839 --> 00:26:22,000 I might just burst. Freyer and Willow are sitting at the desk beside me, 281 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:27,920 watching me as I watch him. Though they aren't laughing now, they 282 00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:34,079 aren't whispering or making jokes. They're just silent. I glance over to them 283 00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:38,839 a few times, orgidly, until at last I feel my fuse begin to 284 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:45,079 grow short, and I swivel on the spot to meet their eyes. For 285 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:51,480 a moment. They say nothing, They don't even react. Then eventually Willow 286 00:26:51,559 --> 00:26:56,599 says in a low, quiet voice, you're wasting your time. You don't 287 00:26:56,640 --> 00:27:02,119 need him in your life. Where once I might have averted my eyes and 288 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:11,680 looked away, instead doubled down and replied, excuse me. Freya nods sombrely. 289 00:27:11,599 --> 00:27:15,920 He's a nasty piece of work. You know you shouldn't fall over him 290 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:21,000 like all those other girls my flush. What would you? Guys know? 291 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:25,519 You're just trying to screw with me again, aren't you. I feel the 292 00:27:25,559 --> 00:27:29,680 anger rising. You shoot a quick look to the front of the class and 293 00:27:29,759 --> 00:27:33,079 see that the teacher is occupied elsewhere. I lean close to them in his 294 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:38,039 You guys should be ashamed. You're the worst, having the r descity to 295 00:27:38,079 --> 00:27:41,160 talk to me about nasty pieces of work? Have the text you, guys, 296 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:48,799 sen There's a flicker of genuine surprise that passes between them, and the 297 00:27:48,839 --> 00:27:55,640 mood changes a little. I feel my heart start a pound. Katie Freya 298 00:27:55,680 --> 00:28:00,920 says, we never sent you any texts. Willow shakes her head in agreement. 299 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:07,920 We didn't. I swear that would be too far. I falter. 300 00:28:08,039 --> 00:28:14,319 I had not been expecting this. Well, I stutter, Alice, then 301 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,720 she was always the worst of you guys. Honestly, Katie, she wouldn't 302 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:23,799 do that. It wasn't her, prayer says, and I exit myself from 303 00:28:23,799 --> 00:28:29,400 the conversation at once, returning my attention to the work on the desk before 304 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:36,400 me, doodling idly in the margin. Are they being serious? If it 305 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:44,359 wasn't Alice, then who was it? My mind races all day. I 306 00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:48,160 never get around to ask him, Robbie out. I get back to the 307 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:52,000 house, and the first thing I do is hastily set myself in front of 308 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:56,960 the computer and load up the texts from my phone. Remembering an old trick 309 00:28:56,000 --> 00:29:00,400 I learned ages ago, I typed the phone number into book and press search. 310 00:29:02,839 --> 00:29:07,039 Irritably, I shake and jump my leg tapping the mouse with my finger. 311 00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:12,720 As the web page loads one result. My whole body goes suddenly cold 312 00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:21,160 as the profile pops up for me. It's Robbie. No, he wouldn't, 313 00:29:21,839 --> 00:29:26,640 would he send me such awful things? The corner of my mouth twitches, 314 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:30,599 and I throw myself up and out of the seat. I slam the 315 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:36,119 mouse against the desk, and I find myself striding to the wardrobe. I'm 316 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:40,880 an autopilot, not even thinking about my actions. I just know that the 317 00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:45,359 bear makes things better. I get my revenge, and things get better. 318 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:52,000 The anger burns as I grab the bear and the accompanying pen. I screw 319 00:29:52,119 --> 00:29:56,440 rob his name on the tag red hot. With rage, I haul open 320 00:29:56,519 --> 00:29:59,880 my window. I throw the bear from my window and watch it fall, 321 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:03,799 its eyes glinting in the light of the setting sun, before it strikes the 322 00:30:03,839 --> 00:30:11,359 pavement with a splat. A shot of what looks like blood is sent bursting 323 00:30:11,359 --> 00:30:15,359 out from a scene by its neck. It does not bounce, and simply 324 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:23,359 lays there on the ground, staring up at the sky. My temperament cools 325 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:30,160 slowly quietly. I close the window and sit on my bed. I take 326 00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,680 a deep breath, and then another. I shut my bedroom door, and 327 00:30:33,799 --> 00:30:42,759 I turn off the light and I start to cry. The week end goes 328 00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:47,920 by in a grim haze. On Monday, we are all gathered into the 329 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:55,559 Assembly Hall and I'll share the news that Robbie is dead. My body goes 330 00:30:55,680 --> 00:31:00,519 rigid. The words play over in my head. They allow us to go 331 00:31:00,599 --> 00:31:06,119 home early that day, and I take them up on their offer. I 332 00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:11,039 throw up quite a few times, shivering violently. What have I done? 333 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:17,039 What have I done? Apparently they found his body near his house. They 334 00:31:17,079 --> 00:31:21,319 say he must have jumped off the roof, not let anyone saw him doing. 335 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:26,400 Of course, I feel another sickening lurch my stomach, and I WinCE 336 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:33,960 in whimper. I'm a monster, I'm a monster. Terror crashes around my 337 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:37,720 head like waves, and the day bleeds into night. My dreams are dark, 338 00:31:38,039 --> 00:31:44,359 and I awaken shaking in the middle of the night. My room is 339 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:49,359 dark. My door was left uncharacteristically open, and someone must have forgotten to 340 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:55,440 switch off one of the landing lights. A dim orange closed spills across my 341 00:31:55,519 --> 00:32:01,519 carpet and illuminates the silhouette of the bear standing silently in the doorway. My 342 00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:07,519 heart stops. I stare at it unable to make out his face or the 343 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:15,599 name upon its tag as they are both shrouded in darkness. It stands there, 344 00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:23,200 impossibly waiting. I'm sorry, I force out in a whisper. I'm 345 00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:28,720 so sorry. Please, I didn't mean to kill anyone. I swear I 346 00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:32,559 never use you again. I promise, I promise, And without a word, 347 00:32:34,039 --> 00:32:37,680 the bear begins the turn, and it quietly pads away out of sight 348 00:32:37,839 --> 00:32:43,440 towards the landing stairs. I jump out of bed and slammed the door shut, 349 00:32:43,799 --> 00:32:47,599 locking it tight behind me, and I stay huddled beneath the sheets until 350 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:55,079 the sun rises in the morning. The weeks after Robbie's death were hard, 351 00:32:57,200 --> 00:33:01,599 really hard. The guilt makes it difficult to cope. Some days. I'm 352 00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:06,519 going to need professional help. I know it, but I don't even know 353 00:33:06,599 --> 00:33:09,920 what i'd say. I spend less time alone in my room now, though 354 00:33:10,599 --> 00:33:15,759 I like to go for walks it helps clear up my thoughts. On one 355 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:22,000 such walk and a cool but sunny afternoon, I happened across a guard sail 356 00:33:22,519 --> 00:33:27,359 taking place on a neighbor's front lawn. Anything for a quid, darling, 357 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:32,039 he grunts at me, and I peer inside. There's a whole bunch of 358 00:33:32,119 --> 00:33:38,160 junkin air, a lave lamp, some old DVDs, and a bear. 359 00:33:40,359 --> 00:33:46,039 I hesitate a bear not dissimilar to the last I found at the roadside, 360 00:33:46,799 --> 00:33:52,279 though this one is pink and a little rounder. Cautiously, I reach into 361 00:33:52,319 --> 00:33:59,319 the box to hold it, to feel it between my hands. It's soft, 362 00:34:00,119 --> 00:34:05,640 as one would expect. I give it a squeeze. Yes, it's 363 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:12,320 packed full of stuffing squishy. I realize I've been holding my breath and release 364 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:17,599 it. I turn her over and around. There's no pen, no sinister 365 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:23,880 name tag. I know exactly what to do with this. I reach into 366 00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:29,599 my pocket for the money. Yeah, I say to the guy, I'll 367 00:34:29,639 --> 00:34:36,599 take her. I take the long walk to Rob's residence, thinking long and 368 00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:40,039 hard about what I'm going to say when I get there. In the end, 369 00:34:40,559 --> 00:34:45,559 all my preparation goes out the window. I see when I arrive at 370 00:34:45,599 --> 00:34:51,880 last, Robbie's little sister sat on the curb with her chin in her hands, 371 00:34:52,119 --> 00:34:57,719 staring into space. I bull tears spring into my eyes and I try 372 00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:00,800 to blink them away. As I approach, she looks up at me, 373 00:35:01,519 --> 00:35:07,079 and we hold each other's gaze for a long long time. In the end 374 00:35:07,559 --> 00:35:15,519 all I can manage is I'm sorry, and she nods and smiles. I 375 00:35:15,639 --> 00:35:20,519 hold out the bear to her. I thought of you when I saw this. 376 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:23,039 You can have it if you like, or you don't have to. 377 00:35:23,559 --> 00:35:30,400 No pressure. But Robi's sister smiles and reaches up for it, taking the 378 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:35,159 bear into her embrace. She got us with it a little and sighs. 379 00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:45,280 Thank you. She says she's lovely. She smiles. I think I'll call 380 00:35:45,360 --> 00:36:01,239 her Katie.