Well, howdy out there, Calamity Janes fans. This is Authors and Dragons
and yes we are totally doing a shades of Gray, which, if you
are a star Trek the next generation fan is a deep cut for a clip
show. I am Ari Car, usually the admiral of the Asshole Armada,
but tonight you're bubbly and friendly MC, and I am joined with two very
special members of the Authors and Dragons Calamity Janes. One Misty Massy. Say
hello, Misty, you called me special. Don't let it get to your
head. Okay, Hello, I'm Misty Massey. I am the author of
the Mad Chestral series of fantasy pirate adventures on the High Seas, the most
recent of which Chestral's Dance, is available where Fine Reading can be purchased.
So go out and buy your copies today. And I usually play Malibu,
but today I'm just playing me. But you know it's not a party unless
you've got a bear hat. So I think that brings us to E and
Kaplan mystery writer extraordinaire. Oh wow, that's such amazing, amazing intro.
I couldn't have asked for a bet, I could have paid for better.
You're the check will be in the mail this speech right, yes, exactly.
I am Emily Kaplan E. M. Kaplan, and I write Josie
Tucker mysteries. I write fantasy, I write shingles, all kinds of stuff,
super fun. You can check me out on jess the mwords dot com
or you can find me as Claudia on the podcast. And when you said
shades of gray, my mind ab went to fifty shades of grade. I
was like, wait, what are we talking about? I always wondered,
because, like when I saw the title of that book, I'm thinking Rikers
on a bed with Doctor Pulaski and Troy going through the worst moments of season
one of Star Trek the Next Generation because there was a writer's strike. I
know it's awful. It's widely regarded as the worst among worst of all Star
Trek in the Next Generation episodes. And believe me, if you get me
started talking about Star Trek, I won't shut up. But if you want
to hear fun stuff about me, I am Our Ecar, sometimes known to
my friends as Rachel, otherwise just called bitch, and you can find me
at Rachel Ecar dot com. It's Rachel Ecar dot com. Because Rachel Carr
wrote vegan cookbooks and that's not me, but she follows me on Twitter.
Now wait wait, wait, wait wait. We sometimes talk about the E
stands for and my guest, of course was alphabe. It is not alphabet,
although I am a witch to my players. Yeah, and then someone
said no, it's just e E. Well we know the M and e
m kaplan stands for mushue, right, yeah, now it does. In
case you're wondering. My name is a family name that also is from the
Arthurian legend, and that's probably why I'm so obsessed with all the King Arthur
shit. I like that name. Say I do too. That's nice.
Yes, So I am Elaine Secret. Yeah that's nice. Yeah it is.
Except it's also my mom's name. And I can totally buzz kill this
whole thing talking about generational No no, no, no, no buzz kill.
Anyway, we have one more bit of pimping to do. If you
like us, you can like, subscribe, comment on when we post on
YouTube, and you can find all of our podcasts on spreaker. So yeah,
make sure to spread the word because we are the Clamminy Janes and we
are fundamentally awesome and ever so humble in every way, So tonight is a
night of humility. It's also we're recording on a Friday for a change,
so there may be beverages involved. Watch the coherency level and the thirst increase
the more we consume. Well, I'm drinking coffee, but I am painting
my nails while we record, so I could get very loopy from the fumes.
How on earth? I do love the smell of naish. It's like
gasoline and highlighters. You know, It's like those from like when you're growing
up and you just wanted to go. Yes, our poor editor is going
to have to go. Is that background noise or is she really imitating snorting
a marker? She really made that noise. Steve, we promise it's Steve's
fault if it's done wrong. At the end, well, he is the
man. But yeah, I suppose we have to get the clip show started,
so there's only one way to do it. Everything's fine, Everything's fine,
totally yeah, right, Yeah, the Calamity Jane started on a boat
in the middle of their one hundredth adventure. What happened to the previous ninety
nine, Well, that's lost to mystery. But when we started mean to
drop the notebook over the side of the boat. But it maybe one day
it'll be uncovered or there will be some sort of epic backstory, considering that
we're all authors on this podcast. But when they all started off, the
boat was on fire. They've crashed, and everything was fine. There was
also a pleasiosaur. It did a lot of damage. Care to add anything,
ladies. I roasted marshmallows on the burning ship. I remember that.
You let me roast marshmallows on the burning ship until it got two damaged and
was going into the water and I couldn't stay I believe. Also, that's
where Claudia got her bare hat. That is where Claudia got her now iconic
bear hat from the polar Bear. And for everyone who shouting out, was
that a lost call? Yes? Yes, it was a call back to
the wonderful show that ended badly lost. I hope we don't follow suit.
I don't think we can. I don't think anything can can go end as
badly as lost. No Game of Thrones went Hold my beer. Let's be
real here, ladies. Yeah, that did try. Yeah, I think
it succeeded. They didn't bring into Polar Bear though. No, but see,
but see, Game of Thrones did not spend four seasons going no,
no, that's not ever what we would do, we would never do that
to our viewers, and then do it. Yeah. No, they just
assassinated every single character in a single episode. Oh sor right, I can
live with that they didn't. Yeah, if you haven't watched the End of
Last which ended I don't know, fifteen years yes, like that, Yeah,
something that long ago, and Game of Thrones which ended, you know,
a couple of years ago. A. Well, let's all just have
a moment of silence for good shows done bad at the end. But don't
worry. We're trying our best to live up to their example. And remember
we're nowhere near our final season, so you can keep tuning in. Yeah.
So yeah, got off a boat met an old purv Mavis and Purvis.
Oh yeah, oh my god, you have good memory. I'm like
a blank slate every time I turn on, you know, like a little
twenty Who is that? Why you play a rogue who constantly experiences illicit drugs
and doesn't have to remember anything aka Bevning. The Bevning for those of you
who don't follow the main podcast. The Bevning is a philosophy of playing the
rogue and never having to actually steal anything and just being too drunk to interact
with much of anything that doesn't involve peeing on it. Don't worry, we'll
get to the peeing. So yeah, the whole party ended up after meeting
some old people discovering that they're on an island with a lot of warring factions
that they just don't bother investigating and instead go shopping. We went chopping.
This is too hard, and there were cats. So the other members of
cast you might not have seen, the Elizabetha who got her clock knocked by
a angry plesiasaur, and her wonderful badger Honey, who will be important to
the plot very soon. There is also Elatas Moonbrook, the incredibly noble warrior,
so noble she never notices anything beneath her or pass a perception check.
And of course we wouldn't be complete without Polly Darton, the lovable country music
bard who is obsessed with cats and the only way sometimes I can motivate y'all
to actually leave a map is to have a cat run off of it.
Did I missen her. Yeah, and she goes kitty every time. Kitty.
Meanwhile, as I say that, the kitty who's on my desk,
the unsung hero of the Calamity, James Tsunami, the assistant dmcat, is
looking at me like, yes, mother, I want a DM cat.
The next part that I remember is just being in the marketplace for a long
time, a very long time, because all you all wanted to do was
find the cat and go shopping. And I know that Claudia ended up befriending
a dressmaker and getting her favorite color. What was her favorite color again?
At the brown kimono and that's her first layer. Oh yes, the layer
beginning of the Lady of Layers. Yeah, that's fun. I missed that.
That's probably her one of her fanciest layers, even though it was brown.
Well, well, when we get if we ever get back to the
real world, in stay five minutes, you can be the Lady of Layers
again. And I'm pretty sure the kimono, that kimono has a white powder
in its pocket. Still it might still. Oh yes, the white powder
that was given to donkeys. It's a white powder that tastes like band aid
smell. What could it be children. We're not going to talk about it
too much so we don't get demonetized. Let's just say it's a it's an
ingredient in a legacy soft drink recipe. I think they should put it back.
Every writer in adhd suffer in the world would be so happy. Did
you ever drink jolt cola back in the in the late eighties early nineties?
I did, I remember it, but I was more of a mountain dewper.
It was. It was all the sugar and twice the caffeine, and
and oh it was good soda. It was Red Bull before red exactly.
Meanwhile, I was the Doctor Pepper Girl when I still drank sodas. But
I had to give them up. Yeah, stupid liver, stupid pancrease.
Yeah, I gave him up a long time ago too. I mean I
have one every once in a blue moon, but only very rarely, so
like you know, day's ending and why no, no, seriously. I
mean I when we were at congregate a couple of weeks ago, we went
to the con suite and I picked up a coke and I said, oh,
look, I'm going to have a coke. And I think I drank
a fourth of it and then the rest got thrown away. It sounds about
right. Yeah, and I haven't had any since, so who knows if
I'll have any again this year. In case you're wondering, this is exactly
how our games go. Yep, I was gonna say, you know what,
I've lived in North Carolina a couple of years now, and I have
not tried cheer wine yet. Girl, girl, you have to try cheer
wine. I can get it. Yeah, I got it. I gotta
let go out and live me. What am I doing with myself? You
know what, though, I think we might be able to arrange a cheer
wine at Authors and Dragons calls. It's just gonna say the same thing.
Do I need to bring a six pack of cheer wine? I think?
Okay? And you know, and you know who else needs to try it?
Probably, I'm gonna guess is Steve, our English friend. You're right,
I didn't even think of I wonder if he's ever had it, except
that it's actually decent. So aren't we supposed to give him horrible America that
we can be nice? Okay? Yeah, we are the nicer of the
podcast that scary. Yeah, we're also the more organized branch, which is
extremely scary because we're organized at all. You would never know it though watching
us play, because how many weeks did we spend in the market getting dumplings,
many of them like some many And then the display a dumplings might have
been stolen by a certain rogue and thus fed to the aforementioned badger named Honey,
which may have started the whole grand adventure of our first season campaign bad
dumplings and badger farts. None of this is a euphemism, dear listeners,
not a single solitary point. So yes, as it turns out, the
anus of a honey badger, when sufficiently applied with really really rotten dumplings,
creates flatulence that can open portals to another dimension, at least in this particular
island. So and then the next the next chapter of the story is where
we meet Elizabeth Day's long lost Wait a minute, my thinking, yeah blast
love love yeah, hwatten him, and we met a the exciting not brand
yes right, oh yeah, not Brand. So just to set the scene,
all the guys have been running around in the Chronicles of Calamity for for
many a year, you know, destroying the world. The Calamity Janes are
the poor gals whose lives have been ruined by them and have been tasked to
find them. Unfortunately, all we've managed to do is open a portal through
badger flatulence and meet I guess. Going back to Star Trek, the Mirror
Universe version of none other than Brandon Time Master, did he have a goatee?
He did? Exactly? What do you think I am? I am
eight hardcore trek e. Did you really think I wouldn't put a goatee on
him? No? I believe in you. I trust you, you I
know. Yeah. So, our party actually ended up in a swamp where
the Holy Cross of Fitness Church was holding a flex tournament, and naturally,
the half Work Barbarian. Nope, she's not a barbarian, She's the God.
I forgot half Works could be something beside barbarian and D and D.
No, she actually was probably the best flexer of the of the lot.
But in this island of Testerros, they really don't like women. But you
know, we didn't really care. We were interested in some of us getting
tans. Yeah yeah. Oh, not to mention, what did the party
discover in ivory talent Ivory talent. The taste Jo Tester Rose t shirt now
available on our Tea public store fire stuff Ting. Yeah. No, I
that's what I remember the most about that world is um of getting to lay
on the sand and drink a a and ivory talent and and just you know,
lay in the sun and be warm like like all like before all this
with the ships started the way I lived once. It was a lot of
taunting and drinking and then unfortunately one of the Temple of the Holy Cross fit
acolytes actually ate a carb and developed instant dadbod due to the curse of Shung
Sang, the head of the island. If you can't guess all the pop
culture references, I really, I really can't be more obvious than than what
but they're they're abs were his and that was the catchphrase, you know,
slight digression. Your your DM had this massive arena fight plan and these encounters.
She stayed up for weeks to do. Oh and y'all just found the
portal out after drinking. Oh I do remember, I believe, I believe,
I believe I shot Elizabetha's lover in the back, Claudia. Did she
shot an arrow at him? Oh? Yes, you did because he didn't
deserve Elizabetha and you were what was it hose before bros? Yes, yes,
sisters before misters. Sorry it there we go. That's all right.
It wasn't him anyway, It was pretend anti him, so unlets of course,
this is some alternate timeline and you've just ruined someone else's real world.
Yeah maybe, Oh too bad, that's worth it. As long as we're
at home, we don't care. So what happens they get out of my
carefully planned encounter that will sit and be held in the GM trove of and
ended up in a bar. Wow? Oh the barber baring a meeting with
the other faction on Alan, because it turns out one part of the faction
is basically the uh what are they? The muffs? Yes, the Mother's
against fan dingo fordication, hate all music um and get spelled with the gnomish
against with a you so against the bars where we discovered that cheese is what
I remember, the sedative that someone could slip into your drink, that that
cheese cheese instead of ruff. And the orc the orc stomper a massive scorpion
bowl of the bar. And this is where Claudia got two more layers,
Yes, hired and made outfit. And it's also where I believe Elizabeth they
got lucky. No, yes, because we're progressive here. And love knows
no boundaries. Okay. Love is love. Love is love, and the
Valley of Many Wonders was explored deeply by our warriors. Yeah, and as
I recall, if um, if Malibu and Um Elizabetta had kept drinking,
there might have been something there too, because we were starting to get all
I love you, I love you. Well, you know, she hasn't
had the best luck with men, so maybe it's time for a drastic change.
And and Malibu is like love is love, I love every buddy,
so especially drinking and sun Gie yep, yep. And we'll hang on a
second. Is that is that where um, where Polly became well, And
that's what happened. Our our charming evening of of drinking got suddenly interrupted because
of the the translucent because what nursed there were hobgoblins, and Polly discovered that
she knew of their people. That's right, right, that's right. And
believe me, you've never heard hobgoblin music until it's in the original kazoo probably
country Western kazoo, and the performance was actually so stirring that nobody noticed that
the badger ate some scraps off the floor in the bar. That's right.
So with the mighty power of song combined with more adriflagelence, everyone's good time
got interrupted and the whole party right. Yeah, I wonder if Elatas is
ever going to explain. I hope she finished before she disappeared, just saying
I think there is a purple cloud of curtain of curtain of love? Was
there yet? But then everyone ended up in a happy little town, a
quiet village where everyone Nope, we cannot sing a Disney song. We do
not want to get down, but you know what we're thinking, A happy
little flower town where suddenly they meet the president of the Muffs, but younger,
and they also meet another would be country music bard whose last name happens
to be Darton Fanny Dark don't that's right? And there and there was an
old turtle guy. I wanted to take a shell before I before I learned
that the shell is part of the spine. Yes, it's actually his rib
cage. I remember having to explain that, and great that I wouldn't be
able that Claudie wouldn't be able to pluck it off and wear it on her
head. No, it doesn't work that way. It still doesn't work that
way. But it would have made it. It would look good. And
everything's about the look. I know she needs a hat, darn it.
Another another hat, another hat. Although trapped in this weird pass, you
missed your hat. It disappeared true because it was before you ever got it
done. Du And yes, this is where when the lovely Bard ran away
and all hell broke loose, Polly started to get a little back to the
future eat and start fading to translucency, because as it turned out, we
had gone back to the hick future yep, or at least that's what it
seemed, And thus the whole party had to find one rakish half Elvin Bard
by the name of fan Dingo, the fantastical normally played by John Hartness in
the main chronicles of Calamity game. You should check it out. Bing So
what happened next? Ladies, don't let me keep talking, because you know
I will um a lot of Horney Fan Dingo trying to sleep with just about
anybody if you still still including his own possible offspring until we finally made him
understand that it was his possible offspring, and then he will get credit.
It's the one time fan Dingo say oh no not doing that? Did he
did? He got a little squeaked out for sure. Yes, we managed
notice we managed to squick out Fen Dingo not And then at one point he
turned French, but that that's coming up the French camming. Thank god he
didn't roll higher, because I don't think anyone wants to hear him attempt a
Danish accent Wild Magic Tables serving DM since nineteen I would have preferred a Danish
accent to what I had to go through. But we're not there yet.
So but yeah, the whole long story short, they meet an incredibly dick
up the butt paladin named bellad Ball, and when Fendingo blows her off and
goes for Fanny Darton, Polly actually disappears. More intrigue drama family lies.
It turns out that our own Polly Darton is actually the daughter of a paladin
of quarag Because we have to say it differently so they don't sue us,
and you know what, you know what, you know what, I could
put my hand right through her middle and it didn't did and I did and
it didn't hurt. From needpless to say, we spent several adventures just exploring
Polly's translucency and incorporeal nature, and eventually I just had to send them to
a spa dungeon. But I don't think she was really upset till her boobs
disappeared. Everyone was upset when Polly's boobs disappeared. Has a great tragedy,
yes, but yes, somehow I just would like it down that this is
the party I sent to a dungeon and they managed to, in the next
game lock the door to it by peeing on raisers. We didn't know.
Okay, we've been checked at the door was open. Immediately started breaking things.
Closed doors in D and D are locks because they are. This is
what they got for assuming Claudia, would you like to describe the exact nature
how you closed the door? Okay? So there were these four braziers for
outside of and there was something in the middle sword in a stone sword.
Oh, how can I forget? No one can forget what Fendango did that
sword. It's not repeatable. We'll be demonetized for this video. Four brasiers
outside the doors outside the door, and there was a rhyme or riddle we
had to solve about water. Yeah, basically, don't piss in the wind
in Elvish. So naturally, Fendango said, okay, so we have to
pee on the brasiers, and I and Claudia agreed immediately, of course.
And there were fairies flying around everywhere, going, hey, listen, that's
right. Yeah. I think they ended up on a on a platter as
an appetizer. Later. You really you ate them? No? I didn't,
did I sure you did? Oh my god, I must have been
drunk or you were something I do not recall eating eating fairy. No you
didn't. Claudia, Oh wow, that's unexpected. Now I'm freaked out.
Now, oh Malibu is gonna have to go and do penance or something.
But now you just had the facial with with their blood on it. I
believe it was actually elizabethte who consumed the Okay, yes, that sounds more
like it. You still had their their thing on. I didn't have the
facial yes, I know, but I needed it. It's been a really
long time, and i'd been at sea and I'd walk through two clouds of
badger farts, so I needed official really bad. There were a lot of
facials. Yes, As it turns out, the place they were trying to
enter was actually a spa for monsters, with a Jorge the Gelatinous Cube as
a janitor, and there were orcs. There was a baby owl bear.
The Claudia did unspeakable things too, just kidding. I just wanted to take
it with me, that's all. Now you have the dire Bear, didn't
you? Oh the dire Bear, baby dire Bear. He didn't. He
didn't want to leave his mom. There there were were sharks in the hot
tubs. There was a pleasiasaur hidden in the room, and nobody triggered in.
And I'm very sad. Oh man, dang, we're terrible. It's
okay. But eventually, with Fandango's help, y'all ended up finding the Paladin
after facing three mighty sphinxes. Oh yes, but in all the riddlers.
The riddlers, they basically told dad jokes. Yes, they were funny.
I love dad jokes. Oh, I don't you know how much that hurts.
You're not sorry, I love, but yeah, I think they're funny.
But after much Shenanigans. They Fanny solved the riddles of the dad Jokes
Sphinxes. They got the the Schnosberry truffles that were the favorite of a paladin
and learned that they had magical effects when consumed. And that's where the fun
began. We we wasn't it sweet Malibu? No, I got turned into
into cotton candy. I was made of cotton candy. And I was standing
by a sauna. And I was standing by a sauna, and it was
humid outside, and so it was either it was bad no matter which direction
I went. And then Polly each tried to eat my shoulder, which was
really weird because she was half only half here anyway, but she somehow managed
to gnaw on me, and I was and I was, I was gonna
be gone soon. It was not good. And why couldn't I be franch
like fen Dingo because I could have done that. Yes, poor fen Dingo
had to speak it in French accent. It was exactly as hilarious as intended.
Like I said, Wild Magic Tables serving DM since nineteen seventy seven.
But yeah, that's what happened. And the whole party did something that has
not been achieved in six years of the Chronicles of Calamity podcast. They got
fen Dingo laid. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Let's all
have a moment of silence for porking the paladin and saving the Bard. That's
true also available on a shirt from our t public store. But yeah,
I think that's kind of the story thus far. They managed to escape after
saving Polly through they discovered a portal. When they found that the perfectly innocuous
and mentioned obnoxiously at least five or six times in the stalls earlier, the
alchemy potion dealer was in this past dream and they tried chasing her, and
that's when they found the portal and they all ended up back on a cart
with the cocaine donkeys. Yeah, that's a thing going to Parts unknown.
And when when we're not getting transported to strange portal lands through badger farts,
we actually have an admission we're supposed to be doing involving someone named Charlie and
an orb that we aren't sure who's buying. And Bosley. Yes, I
don't even know where Bosley is or have we found him yet? Okay,
no, we haven't found him yet, so yes, so that's the story
so far. Why don't you stay tuned after this quick commercial break and we'll
talk about the story to come. Dun dunt duh. Oh wow, what
a thrilling sponsored break. We've talked about where the story was. Let's talk
about where the story's going. Not that whatever I plan these guys will actually
do. No, I mean we did start off there. There was the
breadcrumbs left that you're working for a guy named Charlie, a bunch of pretty
young adventuring women working for a guy named Charlie with a contact named Bossley,
and there was supposed to be an orb to contact them, and you keep
losing it. Well um um Elatas was carrying it last I saw. So
yeah, she's probably the most responsible of us, just because she doesn't care.
So yeah there, Who knows, maybe that plot thed will come,
or maybe I'm just going to throw a bunch of alcohol at y'all ladies,
because that seems to be highly motivational. What do you think about that?
Absolutely, I'm good with that. Cats food or alcohol were there? Yeah,
it's true. They're like golden retrievers. They're highly food motivated. Well,
I do worship the party and sunshine gods. So come on, Yeah,
we haven't heard from from sharonay because clearly it's not Sarena from a pathfinder.
No, no, but yeah, Sherry, Sherry's gotta gotta be wondering
what her loyal servants doing, Like, have you done anything good lately?
Malibu? Yes, Um, I helped the was it was he a demon
um the creature in the spot roblin shaman guy who want he was wanting to
kill himself and they chained up guy. Oh no, that was That was
Elizabette that helped him. Yeah, Tim, Tim the one that she ended
up having a strong romantic connection, even though I had an one for y'all
to fight God. It's like f boy island. Love conquers all love love
man exact doesn't matter if they're a big bluey named Tim. She's a big
blue work lady. So she's not blue purple. Oh okay, okay,
look, okay, I know I'm partially color blind, but I know they're
different. Oh I just forgot I'm not. Yeah. I think I think
it's about time that that you know, Sharon A might actually have some things
for you to do while you've been off gallivanting and dancing through badger her fart
portals like what's happened to the poor people of the aisles of tester Rose?
Not my fault. I didn't know the cloud was there. And what about
Claudia, I didn't know it? And um, tell me your five year
plan as a road. She would like more hats, more layers to wear.
She wants to eventually become this round person that's nothing but but layers and
layers of clothes, you know. And you can hardly find her head because
it's buried under all the jackets and coats and capes and stuff. And she
kind of walks around without bending her legs too much because then she'll fall over.
Though, how does Claudia coat of the bathroom? Well, well,
you know, she's not that concerned about cleanliness all that much. Um Like
her counterpart Klaus, who may or may not resemble her long lost twin Um.
She she she's a living in the moment kind of person. Although she
does love bear, so anytime she can be reunited with a bear or have
one in her company, she'll be happy about that. Did I ever tell
you about when a baby bear left me? A hickey? Hold on in
true calamity Jane's fashion. We have a side step. It's more I used
to I used to teach preschool. And there's a place not far from here,
about an hour from where I live, um and where I taught,
called the Lazy Five Ranch. And um it's a it's a place where they
take in exotic animals and and give them a home until for the rest of
their lives, and so you never know what they're going to have. They've
got They've had camels, they've had tigers, lions, alligators, all kinds
of animals that they take in to rehab and live peacefully there. And you
can take we could take our kids up there on field trips to visit to
see the animals, like visiting a zoo, except it's there are no cages.
All the animals live in their own areas and you just walk through the
pathways that are that are fenced off and you can see all the animals.
So we had just been up at Lazy Five Ranch and we'd seen all the
animals and we were having our we had our lunch and we were getting ready
to get on the van, and the woman who was in charge that day
said, would you guys like to see a baby bear, and we were
like, are you kidding me? Yes, baby bear here right now.
So she brought over this little baby black bear and it was the cutest thing
ever. And she said, now I can't let the children hold, but
I can let one of the teachers. Would one of the teachers like to
hold the baby bear? And and my partner said no, oh, yuck.
And I said, give me the bear, give me a bear yesterday,
And so everyone saint says, give me the bear. Right yeah.
I was like, how many people did you knock over to get to the
bread seat? Y'all know me. I'm pushing through. Give me the bear.
So anyway, they hand me this bear, and it's it's precious.
It's fluffy, and it's sweet. It's very clean because they've kept it clean,
and and it's it gets all snuggly up on my arm, and the
teacher is talking to my class about bears and their habitats and stuff, and
this bear is just snuggling on me and loving on me. And after a
minute I realized the bear is not just snuggling. The bear is sucking.
And it had hold of my arm and was sucking like nobody's business. And
I went and thought you was mama, and I went home with a hickey
on my arm from the baby bear. Worth it absolutely worth it. So
you've held a bear, I've had a baby tiger. We now need to
get a lion for you. Oh mind exactly. I don't have any encounters
with a lion to tell you about. But when I was little growing up
in Arizona walking home from the bus stop, I was maybe like six or
seven kindergarten and I got chased half a block by ha Alina. That's a
wild pig, mama and her cousin. She was protecting her babies. But
but you know, I was really short. I am really short, but
I was shorter than as a seven year old. And hav Alina's are like
Mama's are probably two feet tall, at least two and a half feet tall.
They're kind of, you know, a big pig. And that was
scary wild desert. I actually knew what they were from playing Horizon zero Dawn,
because they're everywhere around the uh, the post apocalyptic Las Vegas, because
lord knows, they're spiteful enough to survive. But yeah, they're very cool.
I had a sudden flashback to the Meme last year of the thirty to
fifty Ferrell Pigs. I got somebody who's like obsessed with it, and obviously
we should pimp our lovely Uh. Sue London, who plays elizabethe in that
she she does. She has written a taken by the forty to fifty Ferrell
hog type romance, so at by London dot com. We gotta pimp all
our friends, Yes we do. You can find Teresa and Melissa who are
Elatas and Polly on Falstaff Books dot com. And soon you're gonna find both
e m Kaplan and myself and Misty Massy. It's like an infinity Gauntlet of
the Calamity Jane. So check out falstaff Press dot com. Yes, that
is the website, right, I think it's false Staff Books Falstaff Books.
Just search false Staff Books and you'll find it. Oh, oh, no,
I'm not. It's not Oh the assistant the assistant cat dem needed a
snuggle. No, I thought it was me. I thought I had dropped
out, So it's me. It's actually not either of us. There was
a cat, which is the most on brand thing for this podcast, however,
but now I guess you know, speaking of cats, I guarantee you
there will be more pussy in season two. So wait, what other kinds
of spoilers or teasers can you give us about season two? Well, I
tell you that there will be singing in episode one. Now who it will
be from that remains to be seen. I guess it all depends on how
well you roll, dear. Oh yeah, that well that's going in the
crap. All I can say is you might want to bring water and warm
up your voice before we Oh god, oh god, there might be some
interesting new developments. I mean, it's been a long time and y'all don't
have a wizard in the party. We do not, That's all I'm saying.
We do not. Is this going to be a song that you teach
us or a song that we already know? Who knows? I hope I
know it. I mean, come on, I am known as the girl
who got Rick Qualtery to sing a song about toast. Oh my gosh,
oh, oh my god. Okay, So, if you haven't checked out
my wonderful series with Rick Waltery, who plays Silas Kane, the world's worst
paladin and Malibu's nemesis in the Chronicles of Calamity, we actually have a series
together known as False Icons, where literally there is a massive battle that is
resolved with a song about toast. And my daughter, who made up this
song with me when she was five, has never forgiven me for putting it
in a book. I love that song toast, I want some toast,
toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast
toast And in a very fun callback. Actually, this morning, my husband,
who had never heard it, had never heard the audio book, listen
to it in the gym while Marcus, my son, and I were sharing
toast and singing the songs. So it was very meta. So it all
comes around. I'm I liked toasts, but I've never liked it so much
that I wrote a song about it. So this give toast, I mean,
I may my own bread from sea. Yeah point, good point.
Yeah. So it's a pretty awesome toast in the car household nice but yeah,
my five year old daughter sang this song and uh, it's kind of
made the rounds. And I notice that, you know, she's she's nothing
like she's very serious and career minded. And did I mention serious and the
fact and the fact that her song is sung by a group of well malicious
otters. For lack of a better word, I think I think she's still
not forgiven me for But you should check out at Second String Savior, which
is the first book of the False Icon series, and you two can hear
it. The chapter with that song is actually the one that got nominated for
the sav Us Award. So I mean we are award nominated for a song
about toast. Wow. Yeah, never gonna forgive me? He made me
cough guys, But no, that's I mean. I don't want to give
too much away because we are going to have the premiere of season two of
the Calamity Janes Live No Pressure at Authors and Dragons Con, which is August
was nineteenth through the twenty first at the University Charlotte Hilton in Charlotte, North
Carolina. So if you want to check out the premiere live and not have
to wait, you're gonna have to join us at the con and probably buy
some of our shit, yes, which you should anyway, because we're awesome.
Yes, yes, Have I been disgustingly positive enough, ladies? I
think so. I know also that we're gonna have some amazing free swag,
including some Calamity Janes swag for everybody who comes to the con. I think
I have seen this swag and it is swag alicious. It is cool.
I definitely, though, think that we need to have the real world anagram
of am A Gland whatever, the real world version of Ivory Talents while we're
there too. And last year somebody brought us some oh we'll see last year
you know, Oh it was Rachel car Cardboard one because she would have she
would have melted. Yes, I appreciate it. Rachel Cardboard is such a
diva and I don't want to have to hear from her lawyers again. Yeah,
it was unfortunate I couldn't make it last year because gosh darn ittt these
things that I won't mention on the podcast because that will get us demonetized.
You know that are also a certain beer brand kind of ran through the the
world and my son is immuno compromised and I wasn't cleared by doctors at their
last minute to go. So I am cleared this year. Yeah. I
don't know if Rachel car Hardboard is going to make an appearance because as I
said, she is a diva. Um, but no it I'm hoping so
I don't forget anyone who brings a cutey surprise Barbie, We'll get a signed
paperback from one of us. I believe that was the deal we said,
right, I think it was. I think it was. I don't know
what the deal was, but I'm willing to participate smiling nuh but yeah,
I mean, I don't want to give it all away, but I promise
that I have planned dungeons and action and adventure and encounters, and I guarantee
you you might see one to two percent of it by the time. And
we're doing aren't we doing some weird giveaways of bizarre things too? Throughout the
weekend? We do have some giveaway items I happen to have. Speaking of
the song about toast it's just coming right back. I have an Arragumi crocheted
death uder nice up for one lucky person. And I have the painting of
Gregor Sampsa having tea with the Lord of the Flies that I did for the
False Staff Teams Gishwes event last Um last spring, so absolutely spectacular, like
there are no words for its magnificence. What about you, Emily, what
have you got for the random crazy giveaway? Wow, I don't you know
what I think. I don't even know it. Same. No, sure,
it's a surprise to me, Barbie, isn't it it is? Isn't
it? No, it's kind of funny. I'm I'm bringing everybody's books that
aren't you know, coming from John And I'm sorry, I know not at
all. I have tall children who are my minions, who are loading up
my car for me. Very nice, and it'll be absolutely and you'll just
make the boys carry their books in when they when you get there, yes,
how many of those books are mine? But oh, you have another,
you have another package coming the lack Lack. I have many, including
hardcovers of some of Rachel's amazing novels in the um Let's see the series undone
I'm Dying series, And then I saw what else did you put in a
hardcover download? Isn't is a gorgeous hardcover like the new cover I got.
If you like science fiction, I wrote one, just one, just one,
except I have lit RPG I'm the only person who has. If you
like the Shingles series, I have series within a series, and the last
books that Emily is getting there will be the first paperback copies of Girl three,
Girl in the Hood, the August Shingles will be at Authors of Dragons
con Song, Willing Nice and I also have Steve Weathero's brand new book Everyone
You Love Everyone When You Wolve will be eaten by wolves. It's so cute,
it's so grissome, but it's so it looks fantastic. And will your
books be available at the Connor you just I will have my books. I
will have my books as well, have the Josie Tucker Mysteries. I'll have
my fantasy trilogy. Um. I have some shingles too. I do not
have my upcoming Falstaff books coming out yet, but they're so good I want
there in productions. So yeah, I want the good. And the bad
about knowing writers is sometimes you get to read stuff in advance, or you
learn things in advance, and you just have to sit there and not say
anything in a thing. But this book is really good and I want everyone
to have it. And how about you, Missy? What are you bringing
brand new spanking and shining to the Khan. I am bringing Kestrel's Dance to
the Khan Pirates. I sees what you're going to sign one for me,
Misty Maye of course. Now I'm also for the people who've asked I will
sign Boobs with permission. Yeah, I'll I'll sign pretty much anything. As
as I have mentioned to people before, there's a copy of The Princess Bride
floating around in the world somewhere that is signed by me, Faith Hunter and
David co and I don't know who has it, but it's floating around out
in the world somewhere. So you know, bring me a book that's not
by me. I'll sign it anyway, because I am not ashamed. You
were. You were very inspiring. I got Kevin Hearne and Delia as Dawson
and Chuck Wendig to sign my copy of four There you Go, and they
wrote beautiful notes in it, and it's very precious to me. And I
know that Rick and I sign each other's books just to beat jerks. Why
not usually mine? Says the award winning side when I signed. And you
will have the rare opportunity to get false Icon's books signed by both Rick and
myself in one place for a limited time only, So and oh god,
how can I forget the debut? There will be a world debut at Authors
and Dragons con my Falstaff book, The Accidental Summitar because I basically stomped and
took Emily's place in editing. My book will be available that explains everything,
all my fault. And now she knows. Yeah, Rachel is gonna die
in the next Josie Tucker and I know, I mean, do you want
to? You know, it would be an honor. Usually I just kill
other people in fiction. I never get to die, you know. I
did get to be a technical monster though, in Tokyo Kaiju. One year
for his birthday, everybody in my writing group killed off one guy in our
fiction, and so he was one person had him impaled when the when his
car hit a light pole and it snapped and some of the light pole ran
through the car and impaled him. And oh my god, I killed him
in mad Chstral and it's actually still in the book. Um he was he
was playing a guard and Kestrel ran him through with a sword. But then
another person, um uh cut his throat with a piece of micro filament,
so it was right on through and he loved it. He absolutely loved it.
He was like, I've been killed by everybody. Now, oh well,
there's there's also that Um, the Poe anthology that you are working on.
Yes, we are working on an anthology of stories that are based on
Edgar Allan Poe's titles. It's not going to be out till sometime in twenty
three. It's it's a good time. Are we all in it? Though?
It's this like, are we literally all in this anthology? Rachel car
is in it, Emily Keplan is in it. I am in it.
John's in it. Um. Melissa was writing me a story she may or
may not finish it. Um. It's she's gotten so busy with her new
job that you know, I'm not sure that she'll be able to. But
if she does, then I'm going to be happily putting that in the anthology
too. And um, but but yeah, we've got a bunch of of
A and D people in it, and then we've got a bunch of Falstaff
people too. Um. Michael Williams, Alex Gideon, Oh my god,
Michael Williams. Yeah, he did a he's got a science fiction one and
it's really good. Um. Oh, which story does he have? What?
Okay, let's see give me two seconds, and I think to the
really obscure one here, So I like that. What, yeah, you
did, because I'm like, I did Cask of a Mantiata because that's my
favorite. And um, Michael Scott manuscript found in a bottle, um ms
found in a bottle, Emily, I got, I took a sonnet that's
um be Silent in that solitude. I think it's called that's your title.
The actual title is Spirits of the Dead, but the title of your story
is be Silent. I remembered my own, but I have the I have
the h the Oval portrait, which nobody really knows as a post worry,
but everyone freaking knows the book Oscar Wilde did based off of it, which
is the portrait of Dorian Gray exactly wild right. Yeah. It's one of
those cases of this is a direct influence and I couldn't resist it. And
mine is cyberpunk, so I like it. I like it what I always
think of Poe cyberpunk. Mine. What's your genre, Emily, what,
what's my genre? It's a like a ghost yeah, ghost story. Yeah,
and mine's a weird western, so exciting, min Yeah, we're giving
you a sneak beak Yeah, believe me, we will be pimping it because
so many of us are in it. As soon as it's about to come
out, you'll you'll you'll all be sickcaring of it by the by the midpoint
of the Calamity Jane season, I'm sure, but you'll all be very happy
with it because I've been editing the stories and they're all so good. Everybody's
had such a neat take on the stories that they chose, and um,
and I've been enjoying it a lot. So so y'all are in for a
real treat. And here I am ready to be the last season of lost
thing back around people. It's all purgatory, don't you know. So yeah,
that's us, the Calamity Janes. You've heard a little bit about where
we have been, a little bit more about where we're going, and I
really hope you'll check us out and also check out the wonderful guys. Well
I say wonderful incredibly loosely do the Chronicles of Calamity. We are available wherever
fine podcasts can be found, or less than fine ones, even we're everywhere.
We're very podcast platform neutral. You can also like our channels, subscribe,
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and wherever you want, so check it out Authors and Dragons dot com.
Than this has been Ari Car saying good night. Say good night, ladies,
Good night ladies. Authors and Dragons brought to you under Creative Commons License,
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