WEBVTT 1 00:00:06.960 --> 00:00:11.720 Hello, and welcome back to another episode of The Straight Shooter Recruiter. My 2 00:00:11.800 --> 00:00:16.000 name is Emily Durham. I have been in talent acquisition for over seven years 3 00:00:16.079 --> 00:00:19.079 and my goal is to make content that helps you thrive and you're nine to 4 00:00:19.160 --> 00:00:22.800 five and beyond. One day, I'm going to add that effect in there 5 00:00:22.800 --> 00:00:24.920 for real, and you're gonna hate me. Every time I do that, 6 00:00:25.280 --> 00:00:29.160 someone always comments in Instagram and my dms through like Emily, who told you 7 00:00:29.199 --> 00:00:32.359 that was funny? And the answer is nobody. Nobody told me, but 8 00:00:32.520 --> 00:00:38.000 I laugh doesn't account for something today's episode And actually a lot of our episodes 9 00:00:38.039 --> 00:00:41.479 moving forward actually have a little bit of spice to them. We're switching it 10 00:00:41.640 --> 00:00:45.280 up a little bit because if you remember, if you're an og listener, 11 00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:48.600 you know that I always used to have a segment at the end of the 12 00:00:48.679 --> 00:00:54.840 episodes answering your most popular questions. But I have actually made a complete form 13 00:00:55.039 --> 00:00:58.119 where you can send in your questions. Whatever it is. It can be 14 00:00:58.159 --> 00:01:00.759 super specific, it can be generally, can be a topic. Whatever you 15 00:01:00.799 --> 00:01:04.640 feel like you need information on, you can now submit it in the link 16 00:01:04.680 --> 00:01:08.840 that is now in the description of this episode. So every single episode moving 17 00:01:08.840 --> 00:01:12.280 forward We're going to cover the topic at hand, as we usually do, 18 00:01:12.359 --> 00:01:17.400 and then at the very end we're going to be answering your questions. I'm 19 00:01:17.439 --> 00:01:21.400 so excited. The questions this week are spicy, they are difficult, They 20 00:01:21.480 --> 00:01:23.959 probably apply to a lot of you, so trust me, you don't want 21 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:32.400 to miss this. I am so jazz Let's get into the episode. We 22 00:01:32.480 --> 00:01:36.959 have all had that one coworker who is just a walking red flag, or 23 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:40.519 that boss that goes out of their way just to make your life more difficult. 24 00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:42.879 My personal favorite is the boss who's always taking credit for your work, 25 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:47.319 like slayh buddy. Do not love that for you? And I really just 26 00:01:47.359 --> 00:01:51.760 want to spend a little bit of time today talking through your toxic coworkers and 27 00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:55.519 your toxic boss and what we as a collective are going to do about that 28 00:01:55.560 --> 00:01:59.319 so they don't ruin our careers or our mental health. The reason I really 29 00:01:59.400 --> 00:02:01.959 wanted to make this episode now is because this is one of the most commonly 30 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:06.719 asked questions. And yes, I've got some really juicy questions from our listeners 31 00:02:06.760 --> 00:02:09.080 at the end of this episode two. But I also made a TikTok about 32 00:02:09.080 --> 00:02:13.039 this gosh. I think like four or five days ago and it's straight up 33 00:02:13.039 --> 00:02:16.039 going viral. We're almost out a million views already, which is super bananas. 34 00:02:16.319 --> 00:02:20.719 So I know this is something we all are experiencing and feeling, and 35 00:02:20.840 --> 00:02:23.719 don't worry. I'm also going to spill a little bit of tea, if 36 00:02:23.719 --> 00:02:27.560 you will, on what's happened in my career with some toxic people as well. 37 00:02:28.039 --> 00:02:29.879 Okay, I'm going to start off with the obvious, which is, 38 00:02:29.919 --> 00:02:31.520 how do you know if this person is toxic or if you know, we 39 00:02:31.599 --> 00:02:36.240 just don't have the best working relationship. Honestly, if you have to ask 40 00:02:36.280 --> 00:02:39.599 yourself if that person is toxic, chances are they are. Most of us 41 00:02:39.639 --> 00:02:44.400 try to see the good in other people. It's really not in my nature, 42 00:02:44.439 --> 00:02:46.000 at least to look at someone and assume the worst, and I think 43 00:02:46.039 --> 00:02:50.159 for a lot of us that is true. We look at our coworkers and 44 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:53.159 we want to assume that they're smart and that they're competent, and that they're 45 00:02:53.159 --> 00:02:55.879 capable. And it's not until they show us that they aren't you know that 46 00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:00.280 we start to have some problems. So if you are here, chances your 47 00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:04.039 coworker is toxic. But some sheer fire ways that you can like for sure. 48 00:03:04.280 --> 00:03:07.240 Determine that and differentiate that is, are they making mistakes at work that 49 00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:12.360 are genuine mistakes that just so happen to be inconvenient. Is it maybe a 50 00:03:12.400 --> 00:03:15.520 one off chance that they were rude to you via email, like it doesn't 51 00:03:15.560 --> 00:03:19.199 happen all the time. Maybe Susie was just having a rough day. Or 52 00:03:19.360 --> 00:03:22.919 is this systemic? Are they consistently doing the same things that kind of make 53 00:03:22.919 --> 00:03:27.080 your life difficult? Are they constantly being rude or abrasive or taking credit for 54 00:03:27.159 --> 00:03:30.919 your work. The best way to differentiate if they are just like kind of 55 00:03:30.960 --> 00:03:35.439 crap at their job or if they're legitimately toxic is just the consistency and the 56 00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:38.319 intention. Do you think they intend to be rude or are they just not 57 00:03:38.400 --> 00:03:42.599 very good at their jobs? And how often is this happening? Is this 58 00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:46.080 an everyday thing or like a once in a while they were kind of not 59 00:03:46.199 --> 00:03:47.919 on their a game? You feel me? And the reason I think this 60 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:53.439 is important is we really don't want to label people as toxic or have that 61 00:03:53.599 --> 00:03:57.280 mindset in our own heads that they're toxic, because frankly, that's going to 62 00:03:57.319 --> 00:04:00.680 impact how we interact with them, how much we trust them. The relationship 63 00:04:00.719 --> 00:04:04.039 on the team. I always encourage people to enter these situations with empathy, 64 00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:08.879 with an open mind. You assume the best in your team, but you 65 00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:13.080 know, if the shoe fits and they're coming across as toxic, then we 66 00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:16.519 need to protect ourselves so we are not getting in a dangerous situation mentally or 67 00:04:16.600 --> 00:04:20.240 in our work. I'm going to keep it so real with you. Dealing 68 00:04:20.319 --> 00:04:25.600 with a toxic co worker is so much easier than dealing with a toxic boss 69 00:04:25.879 --> 00:04:29.279 because in theory, if your boss isn't toxic, ultimately you can go to 70 00:04:29.360 --> 00:04:31.279 them when you have these issues, not gonna lie. I have had several 71 00:04:31.319 --> 00:04:36.240 situations where I have worked with an extremely toxic coworker. Some of the things 72 00:04:36.240 --> 00:04:41.639 that I experience were as like constantly sending me the wrong instructions, like they 73 00:04:41.680 --> 00:04:44.639 would ask me to do work, but then they would kind of mess up 74 00:04:44.680 --> 00:04:46.480 the instructions every time, so then it looked like I didn't know what I 75 00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:50.360 was doing. Or they'd be super gossipy, like they'd gossip about other people 76 00:04:50.519 --> 00:04:55.240 constantly, would be negative, they talk poorly about our boss, like really 77 00:04:55.279 --> 00:04:59.079 just a very negative energy that they brought to the team. But there are 78 00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:01.399 a billion different way that people can be toxic. They can speak poorly of 79 00:05:01.439 --> 00:05:04.399 you. They can be like a mean girl or bully, or is someone 80 00:05:04.399 --> 00:05:08.959 who's not inclusive. They can be someone who's kind of trying to trick you 81 00:05:09.000 --> 00:05:11.720 with work, you know, like they're going to start sending you their work 82 00:05:11.720 --> 00:05:15.519 to do or wrong instructions. They're basically someone who probably isn't very secure in 83 00:05:15.560 --> 00:05:19.000 who they are and frankly, probably isn't great at their job, so they're 84 00:05:19.040 --> 00:05:23.920 going to try and manipulate the situation so that they can manufacture it such that 85 00:05:23.959 --> 00:05:27.759 they always come out on top and you always come out on the bottom either 86 00:05:27.800 --> 00:05:30.399 way. I think someone who is behaving this way it's a sign of insecurity. 87 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:33.680 Like I have a difficult time believing that you, as a person want 88 00:05:33.720 --> 00:05:38.360 to do this unless you are deeply insecure and aren't, like, you know, 89 00:05:38.519 --> 00:05:42.759 confident in your own abilities without having to orchestrate and manipulate people around you. 90 00:05:43.399 --> 00:05:46.639 Now, But that being said, sometimes people are toxic without intending to 91 00:05:46.680 --> 00:05:51.519 be toxic. Maybe they were starting their career at a really toxic company and 92 00:05:51.560 --> 00:05:56.480 they just think this is how stuff works. Probably it shouldn't be how stuff 93 00:05:56.480 --> 00:05:59.240 works, but maybe that's the case. For them, right is they have 94 00:05:59.319 --> 00:06:02.000 this toxic one off situation and that's what they think is normal, and now 95 00:06:02.040 --> 00:06:05.800 that's how they operate. So again, go into the case with empathy if 96 00:06:05.839 --> 00:06:10.959 you do come across a very toxic co worker. My number one piece of 97 00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:15.279 advice is get every single thing in writing. When they ask you for something, 98 00:06:15.480 --> 00:06:17.040 go back to them and say, thank you so much, I really 99 00:06:17.120 --> 00:06:21.120 appreciate it. Can you please write that down via email? It's how I 100 00:06:21.160 --> 00:06:25.560 track my deliverables. No it's not. I don't care if it's not, 101 00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:28.720 because you want to know what we're doing. Number one, we are protecting 102 00:06:28.759 --> 00:06:30.759 you from that person coming back and saying, oh, you did something wrong, 103 00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:33.600 or oh I didn't ask for this. I asked for that. Oh, 104 00:06:33.639 --> 00:06:36.199 clearly you're not good at your job. I should talk to your manager. 105 00:06:36.319 --> 00:06:40.079 No, no, no, We've got it all in writing. There 106 00:06:40.199 --> 00:06:43.920 is zero room for confusion here. Plus, if they start getting rude or 107 00:06:43.920 --> 00:06:46.160 snippy or snappy or any of those little words that I just made up, 108 00:06:46.439 --> 00:06:51.480 the good news is we have it written down. Yeah, we have that 109 00:06:51.560 --> 00:06:56.439 written down, So we have an entire paper trail, and if things start 110 00:06:56.439 --> 00:06:59.319 to get messy, you loop in your manager for your backup. That is 111 00:06:59.360 --> 00:07:01.360 all you need to do. I don't want you being like the deliverer of 112 00:07:01.480 --> 00:07:04.160 justice. I don't want you being the crypt keeper. I don't want you 113 00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:10.360 taking on any additional responsibility. Ultimately, protect yourself by having a paper trail 114 00:07:10.759 --> 00:07:13.920 and then flag it with your manager. Go talk to your manager, tell 115 00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:16.720 them what you're experiencing, and don't come across as like a tattletale or like 116 00:07:16.759 --> 00:07:20.360 you're being Cattie. Sit down with your manager and say, I've been struggling 117 00:07:20.439 --> 00:07:24.759 working with Susie and I need honest feedback. Is there something I can do 118 00:07:24.839 --> 00:07:28.720 better because here's what I'm experiencing. And if you frame it that way, 119 00:07:28.800 --> 00:07:30.800 I guarantee your manager is going to say, Okay, something is wrong with 120 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:34.079 Susie. Let me go talk to her manager. And then suddenly it's not 121 00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:39.560 your problem. But you are reaping the benefits of having that conversation. Now, 122 00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:43.040 Bestie, bestie, bestie. If you are dealing with a toxic boss, 123 00:07:43.079 --> 00:07:45.279 I am going to give you some tips, but I'm going to keep 124 00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:48.480 it real with you. You should not have to deal with someone in leadership 125 00:07:48.600 --> 00:07:53.720 making your life difficult. The entire function of having a boss, the entire 126 00:07:53.839 --> 00:07:57.360 point is for them to help accelerate your career and best in your growth and 127 00:07:57.480 --> 00:08:01.680 ultimately make your life easier. Yeah, is actually a part of your boss's 128 00:08:01.759 --> 00:08:03.839 job. Think about what they're getting measured on. Yes, they're getting measured 129 00:08:03.879 --> 00:08:09.560 on whatever the relevant results or KPIs are in your team, but they're also 130 00:08:09.639 --> 00:08:13.399 being measured on their ability to manage a team to help with scheduling to be 131 00:08:13.480 --> 00:08:18.399 a part of your career development plan. So if they're not capable of doing 132 00:08:18.439 --> 00:08:22.079 that, hello, they're not good at their job and probably not a good 133 00:08:22.079 --> 00:08:24.480 person. Like wouldn't you want to see the people on your team succeed? 134 00:08:24.560 --> 00:08:28.920 And there is a difference between not being good at your job and being a 135 00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:33.000 little bit toxic. You know Q the Britney Spear song. We all know 136 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:35.879 and love it, but there are some differences there. Some of the most 137 00:08:35.879 --> 00:08:41.559 common ways that I see people talk about their toxic bosses is most particularly with 138 00:08:41.600 --> 00:08:45.480 them taking credit for their work, with them being really manipulative, so they 139 00:08:45.480 --> 00:08:48.360 give feedback in a way that's kind of like designed to make you feel bad, 140 00:08:48.919 --> 00:08:54.320 where they pick favorites or they're not honest about their expectations of you. 141 00:08:54.360 --> 00:08:56.879 They set you up for failure with the projects. All of these things are 142 00:08:56.960 --> 00:09:00.919 valid. All of these little things that kind of may you feel like you're 143 00:09:00.960 --> 00:09:03.879 not good at your job, that is not your fault. That is the 144 00:09:03.879 --> 00:09:07.480 fault of a leader who clearly either doesn't want to be a people manager or 145 00:09:07.559 --> 00:09:11.600 ultimately is more worried about their own growth and their own development than yours. 146 00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:16.200 If you are finding you're experiencing that toxic boss, do not love that for 147 00:09:16.279 --> 00:09:18.559 us. A couple of things I want you to do. Number one, 148 00:09:18.759 --> 00:09:22.360 nothing wrong with you asking for everything and writing from them as well. I 149 00:09:22.399 --> 00:09:24.159 also think that's a great way for you to track your deliverables. That's a 150 00:09:24.200 --> 00:09:28.639 pretty standard thing to ask. However, if that's not going to cut it, 151 00:09:28.720 --> 00:09:31.559 and I honestly, in most cases like this, I don't think it 152 00:09:31.639 --> 00:09:33.440 will cut it, you probably will need to step it up a little bit. 153 00:09:33.720 --> 00:09:37.679 Book a one on one meeting with your manager, sit down with them 154 00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:39.919 and say, Hey, Susie, I'm starting to feel a little bit like 155 00:09:39.960 --> 00:09:45.840 there's an opportunity for us to adjust our communication style, and I just want 156 00:09:45.840 --> 00:09:50.960 to understand what I can specifically do to improve my communication or my deliverables, 157 00:09:50.279 --> 00:09:52.559 so then you can pause. They might say okay, yes, I find 158 00:09:52.639 --> 00:09:56.679 when you email it's a little confusing, so things get lost in translation or 159 00:09:56.679 --> 00:09:58.360 this or that or the other. Chances are though they're going to say, 160 00:09:58.360 --> 00:10:01.679 no, everything's fine, and what are you talking about? And this is 161 00:10:01.679 --> 00:10:03.000 where you're going to come in with the kicker, and you're going to say, 162 00:10:03.320 --> 00:10:07.360 my career is really important to me. I would love to understand a 163 00:10:07.360 --> 00:10:09.600 bit more about what the expectations are of me and this role, and if 164 00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:15.559 there's areas of opportunity for me, because I've been noticing that on certain projects 165 00:10:15.879 --> 00:10:18.240 XYZ keeps happening. That's where you're going to insert some of the struggles you've 166 00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:22.519 had and you just want to avoid that to make sure that we're able to 167 00:10:22.519 --> 00:10:26.240 deliver the best results for our customers. That is the most perfect way to 168 00:10:26.399 --> 00:10:30.000 handle that. If that manager has emotional intelligence, they're going to be able 169 00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:31.879 to read between the lines and basically say, Okay, you're not feeling good 170 00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:35.720 about our relationship, here's what we're going to do about it, and they're 171 00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:39.559 going to be there to support you. I got bad news. If your 172 00:10:39.639 --> 00:10:43.559 manager already is not thinking of these things, I highly doubt you having this 173 00:10:43.759 --> 00:10:46.879 conversation is going to change anything. So if you do have an exceptionally toxic 174 00:10:46.919 --> 00:10:50.120 manager and you're brave enough to have that conversation, which I love that for 175 00:10:50.159 --> 00:10:54.799 you, you've got two other roots before we quit. Actually you've really only 176 00:10:54.840 --> 00:10:58.120 got two roots in total. You can go to their manager. And that's 177 00:10:58.120 --> 00:11:01.279 a little shifty, that's a little question marky because sometimes that can be perceived 178 00:11:01.279 --> 00:11:05.639 as like, oh, you're going above somebody's head. It's a little scandalous. 179 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:07.759 You shouldn't be doing that. I'm kind of of the opinion I don't 180 00:11:07.799 --> 00:11:11.879 give a shit. I really don't care. And you want to know why. 181 00:11:11.200 --> 00:11:13.840 It's either I go above your head and try to get you to improve, 182 00:11:13.960 --> 00:11:16.000 or I'm quitting. So that is one thing you can do, is 183 00:11:16.039 --> 00:11:20.159 go to that person's manager. And the other option is leaving. And I'm 184 00:11:20.200 --> 00:11:24.360 going to be so real with you, probably that is the option you're going 185 00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:28.639 to have to take unless you're comfortable accepting this treatment from your manager. Whoop, 186 00:11:28.679 --> 00:11:31.320 did you just hear my emails? Go off slay? That was literally 187 00:11:31.320 --> 00:11:33.799 my manager emailing me. Except he's fantastic, so no complaints. But I 188 00:11:33.960 --> 00:11:39.399 literally want you to go in have that conversation and then be ready to walk 189 00:11:39.440 --> 00:11:43.960 away if nothing changes, because you cannot change a manager. And if anything, 190 00:11:43.080 --> 00:11:46.440 sometimes when you bring this stuff up, they're just going to turn around 191 00:11:46.440 --> 00:11:48.960 and make your life hell. So be ready to have the conversation. But 192 00:11:48.080 --> 00:11:56.960 my advice start looking for a new job. All right, It is time 193 00:11:56.000 --> 00:12:00.879 for Questions of the week. Friendly reminder. If you want your question answered, 194 00:12:00.960 --> 00:12:03.240 you can always go down into the link in the description and send it 195 00:12:03.360 --> 00:12:11.360 in. How should I deal with a toxic manager who reports to another toxic 196 00:12:11.480 --> 00:12:16.559 leader that supports her no matter what. The leader really has an army of 197 00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:20.159 people mentality, and those are the people she supports, and those are the 198 00:12:20.200 --> 00:12:24.159 people who support her. Some people have been around for over a decade honestly 199 00:12:24.200 --> 00:12:30.159 without doing any real work. This leader invalidates any claims or issues that people 200 00:12:30.279 --> 00:12:33.879 might have regarding some of her direct reports. What should I do? Oh 201 00:12:33.960 --> 00:12:37.639 my gosh. First of all, thank you so much for submitting this. 202 00:12:37.639 --> 00:12:41.279 This is literally like a layer of toxicity and a layer of nightmares. And 203 00:12:41.480 --> 00:12:46.639 like I said, when you are having a toxic manager or a toxic person 204 00:12:46.679 --> 00:12:48.360 in your life, one of the easiest things you can do is go to 205 00:12:48.440 --> 00:12:54.000 your manager or your manager's manager and basically ask for backup, but because you 206 00:12:54.080 --> 00:12:58.000 have so many toxic people at this company, there's really no where you can 207 00:12:58.039 --> 00:13:01.080 go in order to get this resolved. And you are to literally hate my 208 00:13:01.159 --> 00:13:05.080 response. But when there is a toxic culture at a company, it's not 209 00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:09.320 just a toxic person or a toxic one or two people, but the actual 210 00:13:09.440 --> 00:13:13.080 fabric of this company is toxic. Otherwise all of these people would not have 211 00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:16.720 been hired into these positions, they wouldn't have been promoted, they wouldn't still 212 00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:22.000 be in the role without really like producing any tangible work. This is a 213 00:13:22.039 --> 00:13:26.720 company that probably doesn't value their people and doesn't value the leadership, because a 214 00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:28.720 good leader, when you raise a concern would say, oh my gosh, 215 00:13:28.759 --> 00:13:31.200 how can I support how can I help you? How can I be there 216 00:13:31.240 --> 00:13:35.279 for you? What they're instead saying is, oh, you've a problem, 217 00:13:35.360 --> 00:13:37.720 Okay, have fun dealing with that by yourself, Thank you so much. 218 00:13:37.759 --> 00:13:41.320 Like that is not the kind of place that is going to enable your growth. 219 00:13:41.480 --> 00:13:43.639 And let's say you do stay there. Okay, let's say you don't 220 00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:46.480 leave this company. What are you going to do? Get promoted and work 221 00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:50.039 with these managers directly? You don't want to do this, so as much 222 00:13:50.080 --> 00:13:52.960 as I would love to tell you, go talk to your manager, tell 223 00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:56.840 them how you're feeling. You have and guess what the company has shown you 224 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:01.759 time and time again, they literally don't care. My biggest piece of advice 225 00:14:01.759 --> 00:14:03.320 for this one, I'm so sorry. This is a quite your jock moment. 226 00:14:03.399 --> 00:14:07.879 This is a hashtag quit your job moment. Dear Emily. Are we 227 00:14:07.919 --> 00:14:11.000 saying Dear Emily? I love that? Can we please start doing that? 228 00:14:11.080 --> 00:14:15.639 Like a Dear Emily segment? I'm reaching out because I made a really good 229 00:14:15.679 --> 00:14:18.960 friend at work. She and I started working together on the same team last 230 00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:22.559 year and instantly hit it off. We started to hang out outside of work 231 00:14:22.639 --> 00:14:26.039 over the last couple of months, but lately I've been noticing things change while 232 00:14:26.080 --> 00:14:28.159 we're at work. When we hang out outside of work, we don't really 233 00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:31.320 talk about the office or our jobs. It's just like a normal friendship. 234 00:14:31.600 --> 00:14:35.960 But lately, when I'm asking her to do tasks for us and our team 235 00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:39.000 while we're at work, she starts to complain or asks me to do it 236 00:14:39.080 --> 00:14:41.519 myself. When I send her emails, she often doesn't reply, and when 237 00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:45.600 I bring it up, asking her to complete her portion of the tasks or 238 00:14:45.639 --> 00:14:48.600 projects. She simply brushes it off and tells me to take on more responsibility. 239 00:14:48.679 --> 00:14:52.399 I'm starting to feel taken advantage of and it's impacting my friendship. What 240 00:14:52.519 --> 00:14:56.039 should I do? Oh my goodness, gracious. First of all, what 241 00:14:56.120 --> 00:14:58.840 a juicy question. I love the juicy questions. And I'm sorry that you 242 00:15:00.200 --> 00:15:03.360 going through this because it is so hard a to make friends as an adult, 243 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:07.879 but be to take a work friendship and make it a real life friendship. 244 00:15:07.360 --> 00:15:09.919 That is hard. That does not an easy task to be doing. 245 00:15:09.960 --> 00:15:13.799 So I'm sorry that you are going through this, but holly crapically, Okay, 246 00:15:13.919 --> 00:15:18.559 here's my general advice as I'm breaking it down. Number one, I 247 00:15:18.679 --> 00:15:22.200 understand that this is impacting how you see her in your real life as a 248 00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:24.559 friend, because you're looking at her at work and it's like, dude, 249 00:15:24.559 --> 00:15:26.200 you're kind of being an asshole, Like you're not being a nice person to 250 00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:31.000 deal with. I always think the best thing to do is have honest communication 251 00:15:31.080 --> 00:15:33.039 and conversation. I would sit down with her at work, and it doesn't 252 00:15:33.039 --> 00:15:35.799 have to be anything super formal, but maybe when you're like grabbing lunch, 253 00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:39.679 you're grabbing coffee. Let's pretend her name is Susie because that's the name I 254 00:15:39.720 --> 00:15:43.080 always use. You could say, Susie, I love hanging out with you. 255 00:15:43.159 --> 00:15:46.000 But I've actually noticed every time we've been working together on projects recently, 256 00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:50.919 you haven't really been submitting some of your work or completing some of your work. 257 00:15:50.240 --> 00:15:52.919 Is everything okay? Start there. You want to make sure, like 258 00:15:52.960 --> 00:15:56.399 maybe she's going through something, maybe she's feeling insecure. Be a friend first 259 00:15:56.440 --> 00:16:00.879 and ask her if she's okay. If she responds and says no, everything 260 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:03.279 is fine, that's when you can say okay, because I've noticed that I've 261 00:16:03.279 --> 00:16:06.759 had to take on a little bit more work, and I want to make 262 00:16:06.799 --> 00:16:10.320 sure that we are splitting up the projects how we're supposed to be based on 263 00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:12.559 our job description. So if you're okay with it, maybe we can talk 264 00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:15.679 about how we can mitigate this in the future and break apart some of our 265 00:16:15.720 --> 00:16:19.360 responsibilities more clearly. AKA, let's make a list of the things that you're 266 00:16:19.399 --> 00:16:23.080 responsible for so I can hold you accountable to it. Chances are she's probably 267 00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:26.960 going to say okay, Like if this is a real friend, maybe she's 268 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:29.960 just having an offseason or is not feeling great, you know, mental health, 269 00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:33.600 all of those good things maybe she's just feeling a little bit disengaged or 270 00:16:33.639 --> 00:16:36.600 stressed out, and if you provide her with a little bit of structure and 271 00:16:36.720 --> 00:16:41.120 like a list basically of things she's responsible for, that might be enough. 272 00:16:41.159 --> 00:16:45.279 Like that might help enough. However, if it doesn't and she resists and 273 00:16:45.440 --> 00:16:47.519 is like, what are you talking about? Like, no, we're fine, 274 00:16:47.519 --> 00:16:49.240 no where this, that's where you kind of have to say, Okay, 275 00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:52.080 totally get it, and you're my friends. This is kind of uncomfortable 276 00:16:52.120 --> 00:16:55.639 for me to talk about. But here are the three or four examples where 277 00:16:55.679 --> 00:16:57.120 that wasn't the case. So I just want to make sure we're getting ahead 278 00:16:57.120 --> 00:17:00.960 of this. A reasonable person is going to respond to that and understand. 279 00:17:02.120 --> 00:17:06.680 An unreasonable person is not going to respond well to that and probably won't respond 280 00:17:06.680 --> 00:17:10.000 at all. So you need to remember that even though this is your friend 281 00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:12.920 outside of work, the fact that she's not supporting you at your job probably 282 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:17.759 is indicative of how much respect and care she has for you generally. So 283 00:17:17.880 --> 00:17:19.799 I think it is right to impact your friendship because a real friend would not 284 00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:22.839 be putting you in this position, at least not without some kind of a 285 00:17:22.880 --> 00:17:26.440 disclaimer like, hey, I've been really distracted the last couple of weeks. 286 00:17:26.440 --> 00:17:27.799 Sorry, I've had a rough week. Likes, that's fine, that's life. 287 00:17:27.799 --> 00:17:30.559 We all go through that. But also say, sit down, have 288 00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:34.480 a conversation, focus on how she feels, on empathy, and on finding 289 00:17:34.480 --> 00:17:38.480 solutions together, and if she is resistant to that, it's time to talk 290 00:17:38.519 --> 00:17:41.839 to your manager. I'm sorry, but her inability to do her job should 291 00:17:41.839 --> 00:17:45.039 not be your problem. And I know that is a hot take, but 292 00:17:45.720 --> 00:17:56.160 that's that's how I feel. That's how I feel. I'm ten out of 293 00:17:56.200 --> 00:18:00.160 ten excited for next week's episode already, and to day's episode isn't even done. 294 00:18:00.200 --> 00:18:03.920 Like that's just where we're at. Because the questions y'all sent in are 295 00:18:03.000 --> 00:18:07.359 so juicy. We're going to be talking about how to ask for more money, 296 00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:11.200 how to deal with difficult people. We're going to be talking about international 297 00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:15.240 jobs, international students, maternity leaves, like we are going to get into 298 00:18:15.359 --> 00:18:18.440 literally everything, and your questions are good, and honestly, they're kind of 299 00:18:18.519 --> 00:18:22.720 entertaining. I hate to say it, but your workplace drama it's kind of 300 00:18:22.720 --> 00:18:25.559 a slay And I'm excited. But I can't thank you enough. I really 301 00:18:25.599 --> 00:18:27.839 hope that this episode was helpful, gave you kind of like a leg to 302 00:18:27.960 --> 00:18:32.720 stand on. You feel me something to really help you back up dealing with 303 00:18:32.759 --> 00:18:34.640 that toxic as coworker, just so you don't have to deal with it by 304 00:18:34.680 --> 00:18:38.680 yourself. Don't forget Submit your questions with the link in the description of today's 305 00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:41.920 episode. Check me out on my other socials at emily dote dot recruiter, 306 00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:45.559 as well as my YouTube channel. Why is my voice doing this? S 307 00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:49.039 O S What was that? I just got so raspy. I kind of 308 00:18:49.079 --> 00:18:52.799 liked it. It's kind of a vibe. But that is it for today. 309 00:18:52.880 --> 00:18:56.920 I am ready to go make my second coffee. This is it's actually 310 00:18:56.960 --> 00:18:59.559 seven and so it's oh my god, my voice am I okay, Oh 311 00:18:59.599 --> 00:19:03.359 my god, it's seven am. So I'm recording this literally like right before 312 00:19:03.519 --> 00:19:06.720 my work started, which is why I was surprised I got an email, 313 00:19:06.720 --> 00:19:10.160 But say Levy, and I'm actually going to go start my nine to five 314 00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:11.880 job now. So you and I are in the exact same boat. Bestie. 315 00:19:11.880 --> 00:19:14.920 Thank you so much for hanging out with me, and I'll talk to 316 00:19:14.920 --> 00:19:15.799 you next week.