Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to week one of the twenty fourteen
Missus Scrypt dude, god, dude, oh y, that is right.
Oh you know the song you've been waiting all your long I hope you're singing
along right now. Hella la la lu. That's right, everybody, We're
back a new streamlined format. That's right, y'all about it, But that's
right. From a from a bloated, lumbering six weeks, We're gonna just
slice that down to a pretty spelt five to a sort of loaded five.
That's right. Oh, but it's time. But what matters is pageantry.
What matters is grace. What matters is elegance and lethality. Right, fur
claws, leather skin, oh god, got it all. These are the
things that I dream of. I would sing a really creepy version of of
a of a sound of music song. Oh which one? This one?
Long scary noses and victims are bitten creatures that feed on your dreams and on
kittens that long leather tail, satin and dinnasting. And these are a few
of my fitted things. Nice with avice, slurch flies. Oh right,
The Alba store explited, leading so Yes, this is the time for magnificence.
That's right. Let's tell you a little bit about how this is gonna
work this year. Yeah, obviously explain it to me and also then,
but mostly to me. We sat here for a good ten fifteen minutes being
like, no, it should be brackets like this, and no, it's
gonna be too long. Let's not do that. So let's have him vote
twice in a week. This was all me, by the way, Dave
was the sole voice of reason, being like, no, let's not do
that. Here's what we're gonna do this year. We're not doing full episodes.
Uh, these are gonna be little, little little nuggets each week.
It's a little after DNA mint because I love you and I want to get
breath fresh with capt delicious. Yes, and that person is gone. Okay,
here's how here's how it's gonna work this year. We're gonna have three
weeks of cryptids, and we're gonna have three cryptid per week yep grand total
of nine. And then you our esteemed and luxurious listening, yes, festively
a dawn and only the finest levels fuzz oh, if you're so inclined.
Weather Egyptian cotton. Oh that is also an option. You could be bathed
in blood and we'd still love you. Oh yeah, I was wrong.
He's back. You're gonna pick from the top three our twenty fourteen Miscrypted winner.
Yep. So this is gonna hopefully streamline things a bit, not drag
stuff through the mud. No, unless it lives in the mud, and
we're gonna drag your asses right through it. Also kicking and screaming, you
screaming and Whalen by voting Whalen and the Jennings, you're trying to think of
the next thing. I'm just saying, Mama tried. By casting your vote,
you get entered if you so choose into the twenty fourteen Miscrypted Prize yep
yep. One unlucky winner will come out on top with that one cryptid from
this year's batch. The prize package, as Emerson can so clearly tell you,
includes not only delicious candies, but a homemade handmaid lovingly heat transferred T
shirt yep yep um, which at this point will be only the second blurry
photos T shirt in existence, but also your very own personal Golden Goatman trophy.
You're the symbol, your replica golden goatman, the symbol of magnificence.
That's right, that's right. You you you may get a Louisiana survival kit
in there. You may get a book of some type. Yep. You
may get a tourilet full of something. Emerson got a toilet. Yeah,
that's true. He got a little little toilet, not like a full size
one. I'm like, not a real one. There's a seventy pound ceramic
joke. Put that somewhere. It's for a bit. Yeah, I had
to get rid of one. I'm sorry, just why not throw it in
there? Uh? Yeah. If you go to blurry photos dot org after
you listen to this little uh snippet which is turning into a very large episode
as we speak, why um, what was making that happen? If you
go to the website, then you'll find the link to cast to vote.
Yes, uh, enter your email in there and then that way we'll keep
track of who's voted and who gets You get one entry per vote, and
you can you can only vote once a week, but you get a grand
total of four possible entries. They all go into my magic fez and then
we we pull that out. We five and uh and we'll announce Emerson.
Is this the time you establish a dynasty or shout another U supper take the
throne? Does someone get stabbed in the back? That's right, and it's
important to note that Emerson really did receive the prize package. Listen, this
ain't no King of Halloween situation. Fancy faced, great Cat. Should you
win, you shall receive your prize package. Great cat, You're still getting
the certificate. No one's forgotten our plans simply become more elaborate. That's true.
That's true. That's true. Yeah, we gotta cross some teas and
dots and lowercase jay's before that happens. But anyway, that's how it's gonna
work this year. Only three weeks, only three per episode, but I
think I think it'll keep it fresh and funky and and uh hip hopaty good.
That's right. So uh this week, Dave, what do we have
on the docket? Oh my god? Well, um, who are the
lovely asterisk ladies that will be parading in front of us? Man, thank
you, mister blow. These elegant ladies hail from all over the world.
They've all been assembled here for our ogrement. First ludely drag your eyes across
this fact specimen. Also real quick, we've added a category, a judging
category, ugulation, where the argularity were unparalleled. In this particular he only
scored a seven point six in augularity. I would ask all of you to
cast your mind's eye, Ludeley in the direction of our first contestant, hailing
from seventy percent of the world's surface. Mermaids. Whoever it's watery, there's
a mermaid to be found, except for in rivers. That's Selkie territory.
Oh, don't that up? They get really mad? Who else why?
The second elegant, lady Asterisk, goes by the sultry name of Jeff,
and she is a he, and he is a talking man goose from ingle
Land. Oh, Jeff the talking mongoose, Welcome to the stage, you
son of a bitch. And third from the land where they're just called fries
and it's just called kissing luc from France. She is something of a serpent.
Who are likes the tons? That's your lineup this week, folks,
Mermaids, Jeff the talking mongoose, So let's start out in jolly hang what
she got there? Flora with my boy Jeff leaves behind his shed, lots
to hang out with little girls. Fancies a bit of a story, Jeff
the talking mongoose. So all right, let's set the scene. This is
Dolby on the Isle of Man, the town of Dolby in nineteen thirties.
You get the house of James Irving, and you also get the Dolby spook
boogetty Booguinty. Papers began running the curious story of a mongoose that could talk
and inhabited the Irving household. James and Margaret Irving had a thirteen year old
daughter named Voire. Is that is that how you pronounced it? It's a
voyage. It's pronounced froy lavin quick zoology check the mongoose not native to the
Isle of Man, no nor England in general. I would venture to get
Europe something of a traveled mongoose Satan Jeff's first rodeo. So the Irving family
claimed to have seen a small yellowish weasel type creature with a bushy tail on
their farm, and later they saw it in the house. And then they
heard scratching and growling behind the walls, and apparently after a while of mimicking
sound from animal noises to nursery rhymes. This creature learned to speak in a
very high, screechy voice. What's all this? They nay you what mate?
He has a bit of a problem with syntax. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, but you know, I mean the talking mongooses, other impossive.
It conversed with the family and told them it was the spirit of a mongoose
born in New Delhi, India in eighteen fifty two. Got a bit turned
around. He's just trying to nip Downny the corner bit of curry got lost.
Oiler, man, what you're doing. If it's not too much trouble,
cup of tea, they'd be right noise right now? Than please,
thank you, please, thank you, mam. It would help around the
house. It would cause some mischief here and there, like mongoose do I'm
doing the vest I can, but I mean, I gotta out of the
mongoose. I'm gonna get into it, right, I'm gonna get in,
gotta get me taste. This is gonna get real. And it would just
generally haunt the house, kind of like a polder geist. Oh wow,
yeah uh. And apparently it liked the family, didn't so much care for
outsiders. Yeah, I could get quite sassy with them. What's old?
Is then you shutting the door? Well that's the thickest I was. Uh,
I was coming over that a man, it is Christmas Eve. That's
not what I asked? Is it skinks from next door? Now, Jeff
be be a dear? No, no, no, there I was enjoy
a spot of j morning. More out you understand that morning? Come on
in? Is it Butcher is at the door? Let's see it was?
Eh? All right? Tabloids went cuckoo for this thing, the apples and
pass Oh uh. No journalists or photographers ever clearly witnessed him in action.
What um Most people believe Jeff was really Voiree, the daughter who was speaking
into the walls and making up stories as such, No child would ever make
up a story about it. Imaginary, ridiculous. I don't know, I
don't know. Apparently the walls were of the type of construction where it had
a little room in between the outside the inside walls, and it carried sound
really well, so you could actually, like if there was a hole in
one section, you could speak into it and it would reverberate and sound like
it was coming from anywhere. You'd think, I'm a little girl, and
I what you just staying right? Then I'll show you what is it?
I'm girl going doing right like anybody? Is it just me? Hal well?
Jeff to talking mongoose? Ain't it put up with? He's Jeff?
What an ass? Ye? I'm sorry, I just it's it's misplaced rage
and I'm frustrated by my own ability. I'm not in India right now.
I'm out of sorts. Wish I was home. I'm home sick. I've
got mates back, They're waiting for me. They probably think I'm dead.
It's a tough position to be in. So forgive me for maybe having my
guard up more than you'd expect. I'm a mongoose. I'm looking for Cobra's
everywhere, Norman to be found, Nah nah ruddy Saint Patrick. People have
theorized that maybe she could have been inspired by Dyard Kipling's book Ricky Tikitavi,
which was very popular at the time about a chalking mongoose ye be friends of
family and such. The Irvings moved away from the house in nineteen thirty nine,
and papers reported that the new owner had shot and killed some weird creature
shortly after moving in. What so they said, Hey, but since it
was nineteen thirty nine, it kind of got forgotten pretty soon thereafter, because
well, what was there a bigger news story was a bigger news story came
out, So the Holy Gully being done somewhere on a flagpole, So twenty
years after its peak, they thought it was the resurgence. Yeah, yeah,
Martha, Martha, get out here. It's back, the Holy Gully.
It's back. So there, there's there's a lot to this, a
lot of details stuff. A lot of people think maybe in a hoax,
but some people swear by it. So, uh, that's Jeff the talking
mongoose as a normal. As we're getting off, Tyson, hey, I
have a little splshy splashy with the Mermaids. I mean they go back in
history forever, the class. I've got numbers if you want them. Oh
my god, that wasn't a yes. Right, that wasn't a yes.
Sculptures of half fish people have been found dating back more than four thousand years.
What so there you go. That's right, Mermaids older than Jesus.
Who do you think is more legit? Now? People mind equals blue?
Oh my god, no, that's that's our new the more you know,
mind equals the star that explodes. And these things are are much like a
discussion flood. Myth Legends of murf folk are are very prevalent in in many
cultures around the world. Cultures. Now you're probably wondering, Mmm, you
keep saying mermaid, aren't there murm about the murmia? Well guess what when
it's mister cryptid, maybe suck it? Yeah, suck X what X is
equal to everything the soulful while you're still alive? Algebraic beat down? Um
so, yeah, we're not talking about murrmad but uh, the murrf folk.
The mermaid typically is human from the waist up up, fish scaly fish
from the waist down down. Now. Fun fact, taxonomically, the murmaid,
although being a quote unquote fish and having scales like a fishwood, the
orientation of the fin is actually in line with a mammal with a mammalian physiology
and not um an IOUs physiology what not up and down? Yeah? Yeah,
a vertical versus a horizon. Uh, it's it's a dorso ventral structure.
All right, all right, your dick's longer, shut up, shut
up now, I gotta wipe all this piss off my wall from this contest
we've been having. I get my get my piss map. That's something that
will be added to the miscripted price package, the blurry photos piss mop soak
it up. I have pisson contest with all your afraid. Yeah. They
are extraordinarily popular in lore. Um everyone has seen it. There are movies
and amated features. Some of them want to be part of your world.
However, the classic mermaid she Ain't got no no seashell rasong come on Nope,
nope, nope no. She's classically topless with perhaps long hair, so
that she can be depicted on a map without the church burning you. Yeah.
The other abilities their song, Oh yeah, this is their super weapon.
Their song can lure sailors to their deaths, whether uh bringing them to
wreck their boats on shore or individually um mesmerize them into thinking it's time to
jump into the water with these ladies, upon which they are alternately drowned or
devoured wow yeah, or both drowned. Some stories have them with accessories too.
They accessorize pretty well, like with a comb or a mirror. Yep,
which is pretty silly. They'll be combing out their long green hair,
green hair is a popular themselves upon a rock, although if you're a Peter
Pan fan, a Pan fan, Pan, they would have all assortment of
of hair bond and red and purple and blue, and everyone knows the only
acceptable color from Mermaid hair is red. I mean, look at this stuff,
isn't it neat? Oh? Our crypto collection is not complete yet,
but that's not a that's not a segue. I still have some things to
it was a seg won't a segnee? There? There are I read some
things that that said they're not all gracious hum physiologically that they're not described being
so beautiful either. Some of them they have very like sloping foreheads and announced
jaws and webbed hands with claws on them. Yeah, those are like the
truly nasty, vicious version. And also that's where you're getting to do.
People theorizing that manatees, right, which are sea cows, sea cows,
dugongs? Have you heard of these things? Yeah? Yeah, they those
have been grouped under that umbrella. But they are thinking they get mistaken because
when you're a sailor, When you're a sailor and you're out at see too,
when you're a sailor and you're spotting something in the distance yep. Uh
takes a while to get closer to it, and by that time, there
it's already slipping beneath the waves, probably because there's this huge, hulking thing
coming at it. But chances are you were probably already in mid masturbation anyway.
And and uh, and you were drunk off your ass right off of
grog yep or lime grow right, I was gonna say, which you had
inadvertently taken thinking it was keeping the scurvy at bay. And yet your here
guns were getting puffy. Here here, visit the Scurvy Museum in Washington,
d C. Yes, it's taste not an actual museum should be. In
history, we said, they go back more than four thousand years. The
Babylonians had a fish god called Oannus, and the Greeks had Triton. And
then, like you said, with the whole power of song, a comparison
can be made to sirens, ye, of Greek mythology, which would lure
sailors to their doom with their song. Yep. I think there's some some
melding of folklore here and there. There's melding big and Irish mythology, ye,
and the British Isles, and some stories even told of them coming to
land and marrying and having a family. They got legs when they came to
land. They didn't just like flop around and we're like, oh baby now,
which stopped because of over hunting of the the very delicate ursula populate population.
People didn't realize that they needed to be shepherds of the sea. They
just thought they could take whatever they wanted. And there's a lot of oil
in ursula and more unfortunate souls. We are precious treasures. How about the
P. T. Barnum thing? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. P.
T. Barnum who is If you don't know the name, you should
because he's kind of in the news these days. Yeah, the the circus
entrepreneur hey tune of the century exploitationists. Yeah, he fooled countless suckers out
of their four bits with his Fiji mermaid. It was actually the corpse of
a monkey with the torso sewn into a fish end. Yeah, which was
placed in jar And I guarantee if you were to google that you've seen it
before. It shows up in weird dumb places weekly world news. Well,
we'll throw that up to this day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, And
and they're just it's oversaturated, like like you said, I mean, I
think people get really got really into them over when when they saw the documentary
The Little Mermaid and uh and it's follow up documentary what was it called Mermaids
Discovered the Secret Known or what was the um Flounders Fun Fun Day or something.
I don't know. Before that though, they people really got up in
a dither over the documentary splash. So they've been documented trying to live amongst
us, trying to make sense of their surroundings, usually with hilarious results.
It's it's it's only anecdotal evidence that's a thorn, like all these shows that
are coming on now and trying to fool people out of their four bits.
Oh man, well, I mean, and I mean we've we covered this
in a previous episode. I think it was a bunyp episode. Yeah,
so check that tangential to the actual subject of the episode. My my tirade
on the horrible Discovery Channel abomination that they let loose so much so that,
as we said then Noah, the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration had to issue
a press release saying no, we do not confirm the existence of mermaids.
It may not have been the Bundeer episode. That may have just been your
rant on the sand Hill Crane that I'm thinking of. Probably I rant I
rant a lot. So I guess you everything. Yeah, just go back
and go through them all. Ye, So, any way to be sure
that's mermaids. Lug glug glug. Finally on the cat walk we have from
France Madame Memzille Ludac Biotech. All right, yeah, okay, we had
to get that out of the way obviously, Yeah, because we're not going
to do that again. Fortun on the Rhone River in southern France, sits
the town of Beaucaire, an old place with a decent history. It's pretty
decent, pretty for a small town. It sat along the first road built
in the region by Romans whoa nice beaten next to the old train tracks.
It was the site of a huge trade fair for the Mediterranean region for hundreds
of years. Today, bulls are run through the streets in an annual festival
theft. A month before that festival, though another festival is held to celebrate
a creature called the drack. We now you'd think that the drack on a
glaze might be a dracula or a vampire. Shut the cup. Why don't
you let us tell you the story? Why are you listening? Let's never
fight again, Flora, tell him what what the real deal is? Well,
is a long serpentine dragon or winged sea serpent, if you will,
that lives at the bottom of the rhone. It is a shape shifter.
But if that's not enough of a power for you, Yeah, no,
you see, I feel like you got them out of order. Maybe I'm
trying to draw the trumps out, is all You're doing? Fair enough?
Fair enough? What's its other ability? What I would consider its primary ability?
If shape shifting isn't good enough for you, for you know, like
camouflage, you're not being seen. How about invisibility? Right? It seemed
redundant. Yeah, you need one or the other. Invisible to humans.
I guess y'all can't see me. But rat Now I'm a giant baboon.
Oh now I'm a lunchbox. No matter, he can't see either. Now
I'm a Formula one race car. It liked to stalk prey in the marketplace
and children, and would disappear from the town as led Rac feasted on them.
Perfect knights and villagers alike sought vengeance. All of them failed. Yeah,
nobody defeated the creature. That's right, because you can't see it.
Nope. Now, whoever, one woman yep did figure this out. Ye,
And there are different variations to this myth, but long story short,
she was able to spend seven years in the lair of the lad Rac who
kidnapped her to raise its hatchling. Yep, raise its kid and then it
went ahead and in a feat of unparalleled generosity, allowed her to leave.
Yeah. Well the hatchling grew up, I guess. Yeah, just take
seven years, it's all you need. Um. What what the Drac didn't
realize is that nor this woman is that she left the lair with a special
gift. That's right. She had been put under a spell by l Rach
in order to lead accept them, in order to not she she forgot her
former life. She was just basically under spell and a slave to this thing.
It would give her save to put on the hatchling so that she could
see it, because the hatchling was going to be invisible, so she had
to rub the salve onto this hatchling so she could see it to take care
of it. And then one day she got some in her eye. Oh
my eye, it just better scratch it. I can see everything. Right,
So she had the ability in one eye to see lodoc Yeah, anywhere,
anytime, all the time, regardless of its shape or disposition. After
the seven years, it released her and she actually was able to regain her
old life back. She basically thought that no time had passed since she fell
in the roan and and and she thought she had just climbed out the same
day and was freaking out and ran home, and her son was grown,
her her husband had a beard. It's the only way to till time back
then. Um So, so she got her life back and had no memory
of La Drac at all until that was part of a spell. Until one
day, strolling through the marketplace, right, her lucky eye happens upon a
gent and she's like dra yeah the drag, realizing, oh my god,
she can totally see me with one of her eyes. What's a drag to
do? Well, he goes up and administers an eye test. Yeah,
he holds a talent hand over one eye, says, can you see me?
How about now how about now, how about now, how's this?
And this better or worse? Better or worse? Then, using a calibrated
two talent technique, plucked the eyeball from her skull, issuing one final better
or worse, and thus rendering the poor woman mad to wander the streets after
that, half blind and claiming that there's a dragon stalking people. Can't catch
no breakes. Nobody knows what happened to d or it's hatchling, so it's
assumed that it either died of old age or is asleep on the bottom of
the room or invisibly just jumping rooftop to rooftop solving crimes. Ledrac is.
I think the Catalan for for dragon um in Catalonia is right between France and
Spain, right there on the little straightaway that connects. I think I think
like the Latin roots the same across the board. Draco. Yeah, so
so that's I mean, it's it's not a very flattering name, oh these
dragon, yeah, but pretty pretty fearsome creature fun In myth and legend of
France, the town celebrates by basically doing a like Chinese dragon through the town,
and they just plucked the eyeball out of anybody that gets too close.
We oh, look out there comes I got another one. Bucare the eyepatch
capital of the world. Yeah, so that is a legend of Oh boy,
way what you've heard tonight? Think about it? Oh blood whack mill
mad lge. What what's it gonna be? Who do you like? Blurry
photos dot org vote? Uh, you can vote visavi, the Twitter or
the Facebook. But I'm gonna tell you right now, those votes count for
less because it's it's it's kind of hard to for us to get this all
sorted. We ran into this problem last year. We will resort to Twitter,
will anything not through the website, We will resort to in the case
of a tie, that will be the tie breaker, but it will not
be accounted as part of the main populational vote. So, I mean,
if your vote's really im bulletant to you, that's a that's that's a good
point. If if you vote by Facebook or Twitter, that's harder to keep
track of in terms of who gets a prize and who doesn't. That's right,
that's right. So the best way to do it's go to blurry photos
dot Org. Yeah, we consider those the hanging chad votes of this particular
electoral procedure. Yeah, so don't hang your chad, don't, but you
could. We're not going to be mad and maybe you'll be a celebrated hero
as the tie break whore. Because as I want to remind everyone last year
that the winner was determined by a random choice, because we had a tie
last year, every single vote counts. People. One vote could have turned
it bats which ended up taking it. That's right, that it could have
been, So it could have been. Shunchon was right there with it.
Uh. Yeah, the the actual votes were tied for the for the miscrypted
but that we choose a winner randomly as well. But yeah, so that's
how we did it. We actually ended up having to functionally flip a coin,
although we just wrote the things on paper. But yeah, so we
ended up having to do a random thing. So so please do vote because
it'll matter. It'll matter. We're gonna give you one pun in this one
screamed. That's right, I'll go first. Okay, I've got a business
on the shores of the sea specializing in expensive essential oils but still kind of
smells fishy. Oh yeah, mirrmaids. Oh you you frankincensing mother, I
like that. Yeah, about thirty years ago there became there They're gonna be
a story that was kind of rising up out of Canada. This is about
the same time that you know, Motley Crue and Poison Deaf Leopard were were
popular with the kids, and there was a family and uh and then this
girl you know, swore that she had made a friend in the forest.
And it was a huge, huge animal that not only was a friend of
the forest, but was a friend to metal. It was Jeff the Rocking
song Moose Song, Moose. Yeah, how do you get that? As
all right? Great, um, well you only get one for this mini.
It's all I needed, That's all I needed. I rocked it.
I rocked it like a song Moose. Alright. I hope you enjoy Week
one, Misses in twenty fourteen, join us again next week for Week two.
We'll have three fresh off the boat contestants, and none of them will
be your mom. Oh bye.