WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:09.000 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand AFI Am six forty. You 2 00:00:09.039 --> 00:00:13.320 have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show, 3 00:00:13.640 --> 00:00:17.920 the first one of the New Year. Happy New Year. It's twenty twenty 4 00:00:17.960 --> 00:00:21.920 four. Do we ever think we'd get here? Oh? My goodness, 5 00:00:22.440 --> 00:00:26.719 we are now entering. Are we really entering my tenth year at KFI? 6 00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:30.600 Wait? If I started in twenty fifteen, do you count twenty fifteen. 7 00:00:30.719 --> 00:00:33.920 I'm gonna have to do that math and figure that out. If you are 8 00:00:33.960 --> 00:00:38.119 new to my show. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not 9 00:00:38.200 --> 00:00:42.759 a therapist. I'm a psychology professor at cal State Channel Islands, and I 10 00:00:42.840 --> 00:00:45.719 got to get my courses ready because we're going back to school before you know 11 00:00:45.759 --> 00:00:49.840 it, in another week or so. Yes, we are back. I 12 00:00:49.920 --> 00:00:54.920 am obsessed with the science of love and interpersonal relationships, whether those relationships be 13 00:00:55.039 --> 00:01:00.079 romantic or whether they're friendships, whether they are workplace relationships, family relationship. 14 00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:04.640 I have been reading the science on this and I definitely want to share it 15 00:01:04.719 --> 00:01:10.200 with you. Also, news in relationship news I study that I read just 16 00:01:10.280 --> 00:01:15.200 today. New research in social psychological and personality Science that's a magazine for nerds 17 00:01:15.359 --> 00:01:22.879 social psychological and personality science. This research says that the way you feel about 18 00:01:22.879 --> 00:01:27.200 your close relationships can affect the way your body's functioning. I've always said this 19 00:01:27.799 --> 00:01:33.280 that relationships, good relationships, healthy relationships are good for your health. Toxic 20 00:01:33.319 --> 00:01:36.560 relationships can be bad for your health. So in this study, they took 21 00:01:36.599 --> 00:01:40.719 four thousand people. They made them check in daily using an app, of 22 00:01:40.760 --> 00:01:47.079 course, and every three days they shared reflections on their closest relationship. They 23 00:01:47.079 --> 00:01:51.879 had to talk about positive and negative experiences. And guess what they found out. 24 00:01:52.560 --> 00:01:57.799 On average, people with more positive experiences in their relationships reported lower stress, 25 00:01:59.159 --> 00:02:05.359 better coping ability, lower blood pressure, and just basic better physiological functioning 26 00:02:05.879 --> 00:02:14.400 versus those who reported more negativity. So there you go. So I am 27 00:02:14.439 --> 00:02:16.000 obsessed with the science of love, partly because it's good for our health. 28 00:02:16.680 --> 00:02:21.800 It's also good for our mental health. And if you've been listening to me 29 00:02:21.840 --> 00:02:23.879 for a while, you know that I was a single mother for eighteen years 30 00:02:23.960 --> 00:02:29.080 and on this show a few weeks ago, I became engaged to my sweet 31 00:02:29.120 --> 00:02:34.400 Julio, who appeared on the show on My Worthy of Love special. And 32 00:02:34.520 --> 00:02:40.319 so now the internet has been listening to my conversations, and now every single 33 00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:46.080 ad that's presented on Instagram and everything has to do with something bridal. But 34 00:02:46.159 --> 00:02:49.840 I don't think the Internet has figured out my age because some of those bridal 35 00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:54.360 dresses. Have you seen the bridal dresses? Like? Has the porn industry 36 00:02:54.439 --> 00:03:00.960 got a hold Like? Isn't the white thing historically supposed to represent virginity? 37 00:03:01.159 --> 00:03:06.759 Not these dresses. There's nothing virginal or pure about these dresses. Anyway. 38 00:03:06.759 --> 00:03:09.120 I will not be wearing one of those folks. Even Julio said maybe she'd 39 00:03:09.120 --> 00:03:13.360 just find a nice pantsuit. What's he saying? What do you think he 40 00:03:13.400 --> 00:03:19.080 means by that? All Right, As I said earlier to Tiffany, I 41 00:03:19.240 --> 00:03:24.240 want to prophesize. I want to make a prediction that twenty twenty four will 42 00:03:24.280 --> 00:03:30.520 be the year where we get away from our computer screens, get out from 43 00:03:30.599 --> 00:03:35.919 under our phones, and get out into the real world. L is a 44 00:03:35.960 --> 00:03:42.400 trending hashtag IRL stands for in real life. And I think we're tired of 45 00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:50.319 quarantine. We are tired of the whole just doing too much on tech and 46 00:03:50.439 --> 00:03:53.639 zoom, and I think this is a time where we're going to get out 47 00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:55.280 more. I have my book group, so I do get to see those 48 00:03:55.360 --> 00:04:00.960 ladies regularly. Over the holidays, I attended a lot of parties and it 49 00:04:00.039 --> 00:04:04.199 was just so refreshing to get out there and see people. This morning, 50 00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:09.960 I took my daughter to charge her car, but we were she flew off 51 00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:13.840 to Paris. You know, she lives in Paris, that girl. But 52 00:04:13.919 --> 00:04:19.079 she wanted to have her last coffee sitting by the ocean somewhere in La So 53 00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:23.360 the closest where there was a car charger and the ocean happened to be at 54 00:04:23.439 --> 00:04:27.000 Malibu Countrymart. We went over there early this morning. And I don't know 55 00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:29.560 if you know, but on Sunday mornings it's sort of classic car mornings. 56 00:04:29.759 --> 00:04:32.519 All the guys that have either the classic cars or the supercars, and nowhere 57 00:04:32.519 --> 00:04:36.079 to go but go have coffee and talk with other guys who have cars like 58 00:04:36.079 --> 00:04:39.160 that. I say, guys, a lot of women have these cars too. 59 00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:42.439 Okay, my friend Tina has a beautiful classic car. Fine, but 60 00:04:43.240 --> 00:04:46.240 it's mostly dudes. And so they were sitting around talking and my daughter said, 61 00:04:46.279 --> 00:04:48.639 why are they just hanging out here? It's kind of weird. And 62 00:04:48.680 --> 00:04:53.079 then it hit her she said, oh my goodness, mom, this is 63 00:04:53.120 --> 00:04:57.160 irl. There are people getting together for no reason that they have. Then 64 00:04:57.199 --> 00:05:00.279 they have a common interest. I'm like, there you go. Then we 65 00:05:00.360 --> 00:05:03.319 walk across pch and we go over to Malibu Lagoon. There's another group of 66 00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:06.040 young people. Is shocking. What I'm going to say this next thing young 67 00:05:06.040 --> 00:05:13.560 people bird watching mm hm. And they were out there being naturalists. And 68 00:05:13.600 --> 00:05:16.360 she said again, look at that a group getting together. I'm like, 69 00:05:16.519 --> 00:05:21.639 yeah, cool, huh. You know I'm not big on religion. If 70 00:05:21.720 --> 00:05:26.480 you are and you follow a faith or a religion, I honor that and 71 00:05:26.519 --> 00:05:28.839 I'm proud of you. This is wonderful, great, it's good for you. 72 00:05:28.920 --> 00:05:33.519 Because I teach health psychology. The research shows that when people of practice 73 00:05:33.560 --> 00:05:36.959 religion, they actually have better mental health. And part of it is the 74 00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:42.480 community, right, making yourself get up and go somewhere on Saturday mornings, 75 00:05:42.560 --> 00:05:47.680 et cetera. So I encourage you this year to reach out and find a 76 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:50.800 group, and you may have to groupop a little bit till you find your 77 00:05:50.839 --> 00:05:55.360 people. If you don't know where to start, you can just go online 78 00:05:55.360 --> 00:05:59.519 no starts online online to something called meetups dot com and you can just put 79 00:05:59.519 --> 00:06:03.639 in your zip code or your subject matter and you can find anything gardening clubs, 80 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:09.920 book clubs, classic car clubs, chess clubs, volunteer at organization clubs, 81 00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:12.920 everything, it's all there. But I want you to get out see 82 00:06:12.920 --> 00:06:16.199 some people. It's important. Okay, Finally, let me tell you what's 83 00:06:16.199 --> 00:06:19.759 coming up in the show. Just like Dove right in. You know, 84 00:06:19.879 --> 00:06:25.800 January is divorce month. It's you know, divorce takes two to four years 85 00:06:25.800 --> 00:06:30.240 before it actually happens. It's just that the filings take place January and February. 86 00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:34.120 And I'm gonna explain why and who's doing them mostly and how to prevent 87 00:06:34.160 --> 00:06:40.519 it from happening in your marriage. And also if you're somebody who uses your 88 00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:44.759 emotions as weapons, I know, I know, blame your mom. You 89 00:06:44.839 --> 00:06:48.399 learned it from your mother, right, I'm gonna sort of teach you some 90 00:06:48.439 --> 00:06:54.160 of the things that are probably not a healthy way to deal if you are 91 00:06:54.319 --> 00:07:00.399 using your emotions as weapons, and what you can be doing instead. I 92 00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:06.759 also want to make a note that I mentioned Over Christmas, I went back 93 00:07:06.920 --> 00:07:14.040 to Canada to Ottawa, saw a lot of family. We had between oh 94 00:07:14.040 --> 00:07:15.839 gosh, fifteen and twenty people for dinner every night, so it was great 95 00:07:15.920 --> 00:07:19.079 fun. Putting out those big meals. Not so fun cleaning up after, 96 00:07:19.160 --> 00:07:23.439 but it's part of the deal and it was just wonderful to have all that 97 00:07:23.439 --> 00:07:31.240 community. But one set of family members had just lost a grandmother to assisted 98 00:07:31.319 --> 00:07:39.720 suicide, which is very common in Canada. Assisted death. She got up 99 00:07:39.759 --> 00:07:43.319 in the morning, this has been planned for quite some time. She made 100 00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:47.079 muffins for the grandkids. She hugged and kissed them all goodbye. The doctor 101 00:07:47.120 --> 00:07:50.000 came to the door, she went into the bedroom and put on her favorite 102 00:07:50.040 --> 00:07:56.160 outfit and that was that. So it brought up conversations about this. Now. 103 00:07:56.199 --> 00:08:01.279 I think we have about fourteen states that allow physician assisted dying, end 104 00:08:01.319 --> 00:08:05.040 of life stuff. But here's an interesting thing. What they're debating now in 105 00:08:05.079 --> 00:08:13.560 Canada whether to extend this law to the mentally ill. Uh huh. So 106 00:08:13.639 --> 00:08:18.519 wait, you got one set of mental health professionals trying to prevent people from 107 00:08:20.079 --> 00:08:26.040 taking their own lives. Then you got another set of medical professionals helping people 108 00:08:26.199 --> 00:08:31.879 suffering from depression and other disorders helping them pass away. It doesn't seem to 109 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:35.960 make sense. So the government is going to decide in March. It's been 110 00:08:37.000 --> 00:08:43.840 since twenty fifteen that the Canadian Supreme Court decriminalized assistant death. Now, in 111 00:08:43.960 --> 00:08:46.840 order to have a physician assist with your death, you have to wait ninety 112 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:50.399 days, nice cooling off period. Boy, we should do that with if 113 00:08:50.399 --> 00:08:52.559 you want to buy a gun too, shouldn't we? Good idea? Ninety 114 00:08:52.639 --> 00:08:58.600 days. You have to be approved based on the assessments of two independent physicians, 115 00:09:00.240 --> 00:09:05.120 and one of the physicians has to be a specialist in the patient's actual 116 00:09:05.200 --> 00:09:09.600 illness. So if it's cancer, it's oncology, et cetera. But what 117 00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:16.399 and so last year about thirteen thousand Canadians had their deaths assisted by physicians. 118 00:09:16.080 --> 00:09:22.440 And the question really is should we extend this in that country or this country 119 00:09:22.600 --> 00:09:28.320 to the mentally ill. I don't know. I mean, my feeling is 120 00:09:28.360 --> 00:09:35.320 no. I mean, I know many mental health professionals who have dedicated their 121 00:09:35.480 --> 00:09:41.600 lives to try to keep people from harming themselves. So why But then, 122 00:09:41.879 --> 00:09:45.519 you know, I've read quotes from people who have been suffering from long term 123 00:09:45.559 --> 00:09:50.639 depression that's not responded to treatment, and they say they're suffering as much as 124 00:09:50.720 --> 00:09:54.360 anybody with a physical illness, and they're saying that it is taking away their 125 00:09:54.440 --> 00:10:01.440 rights, their freedom and their rights. I don't know the answer, but 126 00:10:01.559 --> 00:10:09.080 I do know that when you're suffering from mental health problems, you're probably not 127 00:10:09.679 --> 00:10:13.480 in a good place to be able to be making decisions about your own well 128 00:10:13.519 --> 00:10:18.159 being. There is that problem anyway. I wanted to bring it up because 129 00:10:18.559 --> 00:10:22.399 if it's happening there before long, it's going to be coming here and it's 130 00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:26.679 going to be a debate that we're going to have to start to think about. 131 00:10:26.679 --> 00:10:31.519 On that note when we come back, I've got some ways to help 132 00:10:31.559 --> 00:10:37.559 you improve your own mental health this year. There's some things that we all 133 00:10:37.720 --> 00:10:41.039 can and should be doing so that we can feel better. You're listening to 134 00:10:41.080 --> 00:10:45.879 the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on 135 00:10:45.919 --> 00:10:54.080 the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand I Am 136 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:56.879 six forty. You have Dr Wendy Walls with you. This is the Dr 137 00:10:56.919 --> 00:11:03.159 Wendy Walls Show. Okay, sont health is partly genetic, you know, 138 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:09.159 we have predispositions. It's also partly what just happens to us in life. 139 00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:13.559 Life is hard for everybody. Don't look at those people who are on Instagram 140 00:11:13.600 --> 00:11:18.200 and seem to have perfect lives, or those your neighbors who seem to be 141 00:11:18.320 --> 00:11:22.200 wealthier than you, they still have the same amount of problems. The very 142 00:11:22.399 --> 00:11:30.679 act of going from completely vulnerable newborn depending on others for your safety, and 143 00:11:30.720 --> 00:11:37.519 then onward into independent adult and eventually declining towards death is a painful thing. 144 00:11:37.519 --> 00:11:45.759 Stuff happens along the way. But part of our mental health is genetic, 145 00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:48.960 part of it is environmental, but a big chunk of it has to do 146 00:11:50.039 --> 00:11:56.200 with what we're doing, our actions, our behavior. And there are few 147 00:11:56.240 --> 00:12:01.159 things that I want you, and you know I've mentioned them in the past. 148 00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:05.039 I've mentioned them in different ways, but I want to clearly say if 149 00:12:05.159 --> 00:12:07.960 maybe you haven't made a New Year's resolution yet and it's time, I want 150 00:12:09.000 --> 00:12:13.360 to clearly say that we all, including myself, need to be doing more 151 00:12:13.440 --> 00:12:18.919 of these things just to take care of our mental health. In other words, 152 00:12:20.519 --> 00:12:26.320 don't blame the people in environment don't blame your genes, blame your behavior. 153 00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:28.519 If you're not doing these things. Now, if you do all these 154 00:12:28.519 --> 00:12:31.960 things and you're still not feeling good, then we got to talk about a 155 00:12:33.000 --> 00:12:37.480 therapist for you. But let's go through it. I have seven ways to 156 00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:41.360 improve your mental health. Get out of pen in twenty twenty four. A 157 00:12:41.360 --> 00:12:46.600 lot of It's very simple. Number one, get more sleep. It's one 158 00:12:46.600 --> 00:12:52.720 of my goals to try to get more sleep, whether it's getting my hormones 159 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:56.200 in balance, or making sure I turn off screens early enough, making sure 160 00:12:56.279 --> 00:13:01.120 I stop caffeine at a certain time. You know, getting enough sleep is 161 00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:05.159 one of the most important things you can do for your mental health. And 162 00:13:05.679 --> 00:13:11.879 did you know that research shows that cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia is just as 163 00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:18.200 effective as taking some kind of sleep medication right. In fact, there is 164 00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:20.799 actually a website you can go to to find a practitioner who does nothing more 165 00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:24.519 than help people get a good night's sleep, and that website is I should 166 00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:31.919 have Caleb post it on our website. Here is behavioralsleep dot org. Behavioral 167 00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:39.840 sleep dot org. Figure out what's causing your sleep problems. There's research to 168 00:13:39.879 --> 00:13:43.919 show that one of the easiest things that a therapist who does couple's therapy can 169 00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:48.000 do for a couple to make their relationship happier is to simply teach them how 170 00:13:48.039 --> 00:13:52.799 to have better sleep. Because when you're chronically a little bit overtired, you're 171 00:13:52.840 --> 00:14:00.120 also a little bit always on edge and it's hard to be open and loving 172 00:14:00.519 --> 00:14:07.200 and receptive and encouraging with your partner. Right, get more sleep. That's 173 00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:09.279 number one. Okay, number two, I want you to learn how to 174 00:14:09.320 --> 00:14:15.879 have appropriate anxiety. Now, stay with me. It's really normal for all 175 00:14:15.919 --> 00:14:20.039 of us to feel anxious sometimes. In fact, anxiety is a messenger. 176 00:14:20.360 --> 00:14:24.039 Anxiety is like, eh, you know what, I don't think I'm doing 177 00:14:24.080 --> 00:14:26.559 the right thing. I don't like the way it feels. I got to 178 00:14:26.639 --> 00:14:33.960 change this thing. Right. That's good anxiety. But some people have anxiety 179 00:14:33.000 --> 00:14:39.279 that's an alarm system that goes off all the time when it needn't. So 180 00:14:39.360 --> 00:14:48.200 if you're noticing that you've got constant background anxiety, you're worried. You're fearful 181 00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:54.000 then, or maybe you're ruminating, like whatever thing that's bothering you won't leave 182 00:14:54.039 --> 00:14:56.799 your head. You're thinking about it over and over and over and over. 183 00:14:56.600 --> 00:15:03.399 I mean, think about it somebody. Let's say somebody calls you and says, 184 00:15:03.960 --> 00:15:07.600 oh my gosh, it was so great running into you. You looked 185 00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:13.360 so beautiful. If your first thought is don't I usually look good? What 186 00:15:13.440 --> 00:15:16.679 am I looking old? Why did she feel she had to mention at this 187 00:15:16.759 --> 00:15:22.759 time? Uh? Huh that's anxiety you don't need, right, or if 188 00:15:22.799 --> 00:15:26.039 you're like a downer. I'm gonna book this spring vacation, but I know 189 00:15:26.080 --> 00:15:30.120 I'm probably gonna have to cancel it because something's going to come up with work. 190 00:15:30.159 --> 00:15:33.120 I won't get to go. That's background anxiety you don't need. I 191 00:15:33.159 --> 00:15:37.799 want you to enjoy life and be excited about the good things. Okay. 192 00:15:37.840 --> 00:15:41.000 The third thing you can do for your mental health. I learned this when 193 00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:45.960 I was a patient in therapy for years. I said to my therapist, 194 00:15:46.679 --> 00:15:48.679 I don't know what it is, but when I clean my house, I 195 00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:56.759 feel better. And she said, when we organize our external environment, it 196 00:15:56.960 --> 00:16:04.120 helps us organize internally. So number three is set your house in order. 197 00:16:06.279 --> 00:16:11.399 When people have mental health that's starting to slide, their environment gets real sloppy, 198 00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:15.960 the laundry and the dishes pile up, the bathtub gets a ring around 199 00:16:15.960 --> 00:16:21.159 it, and so we need to learn how to take the time to organize. 200 00:16:21.759 --> 00:16:23.120 I don't know about you, but I can't cook a meal until I 201 00:16:23.159 --> 00:16:26.759 clean that kitchen first. I can't sit down at my desk to do anything 202 00:16:26.840 --> 00:16:32.080 until I organize the desk. Right. So, if you're not feeling well, 203 00:16:32.960 --> 00:16:36.720 I want you to put on some music, some happy music, and 204 00:16:36.879 --> 00:16:41.639 pick and put shine and sparkle, fold and stack. Honestly, you'll feel 205 00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:45.159 so much better, all right. Number four, it's a hard one for 206 00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:52.080 some people. Embrace aging. There's a classic study that found that people who 207 00:16:52.080 --> 00:16:56.480 were optimistic about aging lived seven and a half years longer than those who had 208 00:16:56.519 --> 00:17:00.879 negative perceptions of it. Look, you're in Los Angeles. I'm going to 209 00:17:00.919 --> 00:17:04.359 tell you right now, get off the plastic surgery treadmill and get onto the 210 00:17:04.799 --> 00:17:11.400 keep your brain young kick. That means learn to embrace your crystallized intelligence. 211 00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:18.400 I teach that in my developmental psychology class. Crystallized intelligence, that's the wisdom 212 00:17:18.440 --> 00:17:22.039 you have from a lifetime of experience, and then share it with someone younger 213 00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:27.200 than you. Eric Erickson called this stage the stage of generativity. Teach, 214 00:17:29.079 --> 00:17:33.839 volunteer, help out, share your knowledge, and stop looking in the mirror. 215 00:17:34.599 --> 00:17:38.640 You're not about your skin or the hair that's fallen out or growing in 216 00:17:38.640 --> 00:17:44.240 the wrong places, whatever it does. Just think about your brain and keeping 217 00:17:44.279 --> 00:17:52.240 it beautiful because you're beautiful, okay. Number five, adopt good digital hygiene. 218 00:17:52.440 --> 00:17:56.359 I ask my students sometimes in my health class to do a project on 219 00:17:56.480 --> 00:18:00.920 digital hygiene. They're twenty years old, nineteen years they don't know what this 220 00:18:00.160 --> 00:18:04.839 is. Look, if you find you're losing the ability to focus, is 221 00:18:04.880 --> 00:18:07.839 because you're scrolling too much, you're swiping too much, you're clicking through too 222 00:18:07.880 --> 00:18:11.559 much. Okay, do you have trouble reading a long work of fiction? 223 00:18:11.720 --> 00:18:17.039 Now? Uh huh, that's called trouble focusing. I'd like you to start 224 00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:18.680 taking tech breaks. If it's hard for you, start with is twenty minutes, 225 00:18:18.759 --> 00:18:22.680 just twenty minutes, Turn off all technology and breathe or do the dishes, 226 00:18:22.720 --> 00:18:26.920 whatever, just don't think about tech. Set some rules for your tech 227 00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:30.759 use at home. No phones at meals is a good one. How about 228 00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:34.799 all screens off at least an hour before bed. Oh that will also help 229 00:18:34.839 --> 00:18:38.960 your sleep. Huh, we're talking about that all right. Two more things 230 00:18:40.279 --> 00:18:42.640 when we come back that will help improve your mental health in twenty twenty four. 231 00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:48.640 Also, are you somebody who uses your emotions as weapons? We need 232 00:18:48.680 --> 00:18:52.039 to talk. You're listening to the doctor Wendy wall Show on I AM six 233 00:18:52.119 --> 00:18:56.839 forty Relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty 234 00:18:57.079 --> 00:19:03.960 on demand. Ok, by AM six, you have doctor Wendy Walsh with 235 00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:07.400 you. This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. All right, two more 236 00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:11.599 things I want to mention that will help improve your mental health in twenty twenty 237 00:19:11.640 --> 00:19:18.960 four. Remember what I've said already, Adopt good digital hygiene, embrace aging, 238 00:19:18.039 --> 00:19:22.440 get more sleep, have appropriate anxiety clean up, set your house in 239 00:19:22.559 --> 00:19:27.920 order. And finally, I know I'm gonna say it, exercise. There's 240 00:19:27.960 --> 00:19:33.880 so much research to support this. Exercise can improve your mental health because it 241 00:19:33.920 --> 00:19:37.920 reduces anxiety, depression, and your negative mood, and it improves your self 242 00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:41.440 esteem. It feel good when you're working out. It even gets a flush 243 00:19:41.440 --> 00:19:47.640 of blood to your brain and improves your cognitive function. It increases levels of 244 00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:52.799 good neurochemicals like seratonin, which is natural antidepressant. It reduces stress hormones. 245 00:19:53.920 --> 00:19:59.400 And regular exercise can also help you sleep better. Uh huh, sleep better 246 00:20:00.519 --> 00:20:06.680 and that's good for your mental health. And finally, give thanks. You're 247 00:20:06.720 --> 00:20:12.240 here. It's twenty twenty four, you're breathing. You've been given a life 248 00:20:12.279 --> 00:20:18.759 to live. It's time to stop comparing yourself to other people, people that 249 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:22.480 might appear to have more. I want you to look at the smallest gifts 250 00:20:22.480 --> 00:20:32.240 around you. And give thanks because your life is good, it is worthy, 251 00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:37.599 and you are here, all right. That's all I want to say 252 00:20:37.599 --> 00:20:45.400 about that. You know some people use their emotions in a kind of negative 253 00:20:45.440 --> 00:20:51.039 way. Let me explain. First of all, emotions are our natural, 254 00:20:51.160 --> 00:20:57.200 normal reaction to experiences, events, situations, people. We have six basic 255 00:20:57.240 --> 00:21:00.079 emotions, of which there are lots of secondary emotions that come off of, 256 00:21:00.440 --> 00:21:06.680 but the basic ones are sadness, you know that feeling, happiness, fear, 257 00:21:07.599 --> 00:21:18.000 anger, surprise, and you discussed good emotional health means managing your emotions. 258 00:21:18.079 --> 00:21:22.640 Now, let me be clear. Managing your emotions does not mean suppressing 259 00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:26.599 them. It does not mean not expressing them. It does not mean ignoring 260 00:21:26.640 --> 00:21:34.519 them. Managing your emotions means becoming aware of them, treating them as welcome 261 00:21:34.799 --> 00:21:42.440 messengers, and asking yourself, huh, what is this messenger saying? Is 262 00:21:42.480 --> 00:21:45.599 it saying to you you need to do more of this, this is great, 263 00:21:45.960 --> 00:21:49.039 or you need to do a little less of this, like talking to 264 00:21:49.079 --> 00:21:53.000 that person, whatever it may be. I always listen to my stomach. 265 00:21:53.680 --> 00:21:59.200 Psychologists call our gut a second brain, and I'll get this feeling in my 266 00:21:59.240 --> 00:22:03.119 stomach first before I even have thoughts attached to it and then I go, 267 00:22:03.240 --> 00:22:06.880 huh, what's that? What's that grumbly feeling in my stomach? And then 268 00:22:06.920 --> 00:22:08.319 I turn it over, I analyze it. I think about, oh, 269 00:22:08.440 --> 00:22:11.319 yeah, that person said that thing to me and it kind of hurt. 270 00:22:11.960 --> 00:22:15.680 I wonder if that means that They're not going to talk to me anymore, 271 00:22:15.799 --> 00:22:18.400 or I'm gonna lose my job, or I'm getting fat or what does that 272 00:22:18.480 --> 00:22:22.720 mean? Right? Right? So we start to turn it over and think 273 00:22:22.759 --> 00:22:27.720 about it. So unfortunately, so many people were not given that skill. 274 00:22:27.880 --> 00:22:33.359 I learned mine in eighteen years of therapy. Okay, I highly recommend it. 275 00:22:33.359 --> 00:22:38.920 But some people, when they have feelings that are uncomfortable and negative, 276 00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:48.039 and especially in their intimate interpersonal relationships their romantic relationships, they weaponize their emotions. 277 00:22:48.599 --> 00:22:56.079 They use their emotions as weapons instead of important messengers. So how do 278 00:22:56.119 --> 00:22:59.960 they use it as they basically hurt their partner in one of the three. 279 00:23:00.920 --> 00:23:06.680 They either ignore or suppress their feelings and that maintains the status quo in the 280 00:23:06.720 --> 00:23:11.279 relationship, and they just hope those negative feelings will disappear. They never do. 281 00:23:11.960 --> 00:23:15.759 They come back bigger and bolder, and then people say to me, 282 00:23:15.079 --> 00:23:18.960 I don't know what happened. I don't know why I said that. I 283 00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:22.279 don't know why I did that. I'm like, mm hm. You're also 284 00:23:22.319 --> 00:23:26.160 having a false relationship with your lover if you are ignoring and suppressing your feelings. 285 00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:30.960 The other thing people tend to do to get rid of negative feelings is 286 00:23:30.960 --> 00:23:36.759 they blame their partner. There's actually something in psychology called it was developed by 287 00:23:36.920 --> 00:23:44.119 Melanie Klein called projective identification, and that's a defense mechanism where you project qualities 288 00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:47.720 that you don't like about yourself, and so you put them onto somebody else 289 00:23:48.039 --> 00:23:51.200 and then the other person because you know, especially narcissists, they pick people 290 00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:56.359 who are really you know, empaths and compassionate. So these other people take 291 00:23:56.400 --> 00:24:00.119 it in and they adopt those qualities. They actually believe it about themselves, 292 00:24:00.319 --> 00:24:03.519 right, not good. And finally, people who weaponize their emotions, they 293 00:24:03.559 --> 00:24:08.200 toss their feelings to their partner like a hot potato, and their partner takes 294 00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:12.640 the bait. An example would be anger. Here's the crazy thing about anger. 295 00:24:12.799 --> 00:24:18.319 When you blow up at somebody and then they get angry, you feel 296 00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:21.759 a little bit better for a minute. You get a little relief because now 297 00:24:21.759 --> 00:24:25.000 they're doing the show. You have just passed that hot potato to them. 298 00:24:25.960 --> 00:24:30.279 So here are some negative ways in relationships how people use emotions as weapons. 299 00:24:30.599 --> 00:24:37.400 They cry to get their partner to stop talking about a difficult subject. Sorry, 300 00:24:37.640 --> 00:24:40.559 no more crocodile tears. Just sit there. You can cry if you 301 00:24:40.599 --> 00:24:42.559 want, it's okay. It's a natural release of stress hormones in your tears. 302 00:24:42.599 --> 00:24:47.599 That's great, but you can't use it to try to get your partner 303 00:24:48.000 --> 00:24:52.960 to stop bringing up the uncomfortable thing. Or as I said, they get 304 00:24:52.960 --> 00:24:56.319 angry at the other person so they'll get some relief. Oh, or this 305 00:24:56.359 --> 00:25:00.480 one, they try to lay some guilt right. They figure they can make 306 00:25:00.519 --> 00:25:04.880 their partner feel guilty, then this negative feeling will go away. Or they 307 00:25:04.960 --> 00:25:11.160 use the silent treatment. They punish their partner with silence only because their partner's 308 00:25:11.200 --> 00:25:15.160 trying to bring up something that needs to be talked about that's a little bit 309 00:25:15.200 --> 00:25:21.359 difficult. Or they just ignore or refuse to talk about painful subjects. Oh, 310 00:25:21.400 --> 00:25:22.319 and here's the big one. I'm sorry, I have no patience for 311 00:25:22.359 --> 00:25:25.880 this anymore. You see, here's the thing. When I was coming up 312 00:25:25.880 --> 00:25:30.119 in the world, I was a highly empathetic, compassionate person. I had 313 00:25:30.119 --> 00:25:33.640 a mother that was that way, relatives that are that way. It runs 314 00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:38.079 in our family. It's really great if you're a parent of a small child, 315 00:25:38.119 --> 00:25:41.559 because you need to give lots of empathy to them. But the other 316 00:25:41.640 --> 00:25:48.240 thing is people could manipulate me so easily by playing the victim, because the 317 00:25:48.319 --> 00:25:52.799 sweet Catholic Canadian in me would be like, what do you need love, 318 00:25:52.359 --> 00:25:57.480 how can I help you? Okay, and then boundary lists they would deplete 319 00:25:57.519 --> 00:26:02.920 me in my giving. Now, when I hear that victim card start to 320 00:26:02.920 --> 00:26:06.839 get waived, I'm just like, m mmmmm, that's not an identity, 321 00:26:07.200 --> 00:26:11.680 Okay, not an identity. So when somebody says to me, but I'm 322 00:26:11.720 --> 00:26:14.519 having a hard time, Okay, this is hard for me, you know 323 00:26:14.559 --> 00:26:18.640 what, it's hard for everybody. Let's talk about solutions. Let's focus on 324 00:26:18.680 --> 00:26:22.160 the future and solutions. Yeah, so what you need to do instead? 325 00:26:22.839 --> 00:26:26.279 You need to if maybe your partner is weaponizing emotions, so you need to 326 00:26:26.319 --> 00:26:30.400 say, hey, it's okay to get angry, but it's not okay to 327 00:26:30.440 --> 00:26:34.400 hit things or slam doors okay. Or you can say I understand that you 328 00:26:34.480 --> 00:26:40.079 feel sad and it's okay if you cry, but that doesn't mean I'm going 329 00:26:40.119 --> 00:26:44.079 to change the subject. We need to talk about this. Or you can 330 00:26:44.079 --> 00:26:48.839 say it's okay that you're feeling frustrated, but it's not okay to call me 331 00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:53.960 names might set up boundaries and rules. You might say, I know you're 332 00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.880 afraid of certain topics, but we can't put them off forever. We need 333 00:27:00.079 --> 00:27:04.920 to talk about this, and when you're really finally ready to learn new ways 334 00:27:04.920 --> 00:27:11.039 of relating, seek couple's therapy, because your relationship can always get better when 335 00:27:11.079 --> 00:27:17.039 you learn how to fight there all right, when we come back, I 336 00:27:17.039 --> 00:27:18.599 think I'm gonna go live on something. Where should I go? Instagram? 337 00:27:18.839 --> 00:27:22.480 Instagram? We're gonna go live on Instagram. I want to do how to 338 00:27:22.640 --> 00:27:26.480 beat the paradox of choice on dating apps. People complain about dating apps all 339 00:27:26.519 --> 00:27:30.200 the time. Dating apps are not the problem, it's how we use them. 340 00:27:30.319 --> 00:27:33.880 I'll explain. You're listening to the Dr Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM 341 00:27:33.880 --> 00:27:38.519 six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI 342 00:27:38.759 --> 00:27:45.039 AM six forty on demand I Am six forty. You have Dr Wendy Walsh 343 00:27:45.079 --> 00:27:47.559 with you. This is the Dr Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to welcome 344 00:27:47.559 --> 00:27:51.279 my Instagram audience. Hey, everybody, how are you? If you'd like 345 00:27:51.359 --> 00:27:55.319 to sort of watch us here in the studio, I say us. Kayla's 346 00:27:55.359 --> 00:27:57.480 over there on the other side of the camera, but she's here. I'm 347 00:27:57.480 --> 00:28:02.440 not alone, and you're welcome to go on my Instagram Right now, I'm 348 00:28:02.480 --> 00:28:06.839 live at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh, and in a few minutes 349 00:28:06.880 --> 00:28:11.440 I'm going to be taking your calls and answering your social media questions about relationships. 350 00:28:11.440 --> 00:28:14.440 Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I'm 351 00:28:14.480 --> 00:28:17.519 a little bit obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books on 352 00:28:17.599 --> 00:28:22.559 relationships, did a dissertation on attachment theory, and I think about the research 353 00:28:22.880 --> 00:28:26.720 all day long and how we're changing. I see people are watching from all 354 00:28:26.759 --> 00:28:30.599 over the country, which is always fun. I posted the number up there 355 00:28:30.640 --> 00:28:32.519 at the end of the segment. I'll give the phone number again if you 356 00:28:32.519 --> 00:28:36.559 want to call in. All right, How to beat the paradox of choice 357 00:28:37.480 --> 00:28:41.359 that come along with dating apps? It seems like more than ever people are 358 00:28:41.359 --> 00:28:47.240 saying to me dating apps don't work. I'm going to try to find somebody 359 00:28:47.359 --> 00:28:51.720 the old fashioned way, even though the research shows that most people who are 360 00:28:51.799 --> 00:28:53.599 coupling up, and indeed those who are getting married, met on an app. 361 00:28:55.319 --> 00:28:59.480 So the apps aren't all bad. Just like back in the day we 362 00:28:59.559 --> 00:29:03.079 used to go nightclubs, Not every night club was bad. It was what 363 00:29:03.240 --> 00:29:06.640 night you went and how long you've stayed and who you accepted a dance or 364 00:29:06.680 --> 00:29:11.000 a drink with. Right, So it's about your skills, and the biggest 365 00:29:11.039 --> 00:29:15.799 skill is your skill of trying to discern your skill of discernment about who could 366 00:29:15.799 --> 00:29:21.880 be potentially a good mate or not using such flimsy little information like a profile. 367 00:29:22.759 --> 00:29:27.160 So the biggest problem with dating apps is yes, dating apps are not 368 00:29:27.279 --> 00:29:30.160 designed to find your mate. They're designed to get you addicted to the app 369 00:29:30.160 --> 00:29:34.200 because you're a customer, right, And they do that through something called paradox 370 00:29:34.240 --> 00:29:37.799 of choice. Now, you've got to remember what your brain is wired for. 371 00:29:38.720 --> 00:29:44.359 Back in our anthropological past, and we are running around an old machinery 372 00:29:44.519 --> 00:29:48.440 in our brains, we probably never laid eyes on more than one hundred and 373 00:29:48.440 --> 00:29:55.839 fifty humans during our entire lifespan. Right today, you probably see one hundred 374 00:29:55.839 --> 00:29:57.759 and fifty if you live in an urban center in any given day. You 375 00:29:57.880 --> 00:30:02.359 see them on sub you see them in traffic, You see them in restaurants 376 00:30:02.440 --> 00:30:06.960 and nightclubs and grocery stores and gyms and all the places you go. So 377 00:30:07.759 --> 00:30:14.720 dating apps suddenly presents you with potentially thousands of new mates, and your brain 378 00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:18.319 when it's presented with too much choice, whether it's a romantic mate or a 379 00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:23.359 buffet who has one entree. When they go to sit down at a buffet, 380 00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:26.880 they take their plate and they say, I think I'm gonna have chicken. 381 00:30:27.200 --> 00:30:30.160 They put the chicken on the plate and then they go, oh, 382 00:30:30.160 --> 00:30:32.279 wait, there's a little try tip there. Maybe just have a little bit 383 00:30:32.279 --> 00:30:33.400 of that. Then they put the try tip on and they go, oh, 384 00:30:33.559 --> 00:30:36.559 lasagna, I haven't had that in a while, right, let's just 385 00:30:36.599 --> 00:30:38.200 a little bit. I have that too. That's what dating apps do to 386 00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:42.680 our brains. Okay, they make you unable to make a choice, and 387 00:30:42.759 --> 00:30:48.119 the worst part is when you do make a choice, it makes you value 388 00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:55.799 that choice less. So the apps are biohacking your brain. What can you 389 00:30:55.880 --> 00:31:00.759 do to fix this? Well, there's research to show you should be doing. 390 00:31:00.680 --> 00:31:04.880 First of all, I know this sounds counterintuitive, but I want you 391 00:31:04.920 --> 00:31:11.480 to think more positively about being single. And what I mean by that is 392 00:31:11.680 --> 00:31:18.359 this. A study published in Computers and Human Behavior found that the extensive choice 393 00:31:18.400 --> 00:31:26.759 offered by dating apps have the unintended consequences of making people develop a fear of 394 00:31:26.839 --> 00:31:32.839 being single. They start to think, why am I still single when so 395 00:31:32.920 --> 00:31:37.559 many perfect people are out there? So it slowly starts to erode your self 396 00:31:37.680 --> 00:31:41.640 esteem. So what I want you to do is I want you instead to 397 00:31:41.720 --> 00:31:45.559 say I'm a great catch. Not only am I a great catch, I'm 398 00:31:45.559 --> 00:31:49.039 too busy to go out on very many dates because I'm doing so much in 399 00:31:49.079 --> 00:31:56.559 my exciting life. Build a life for yourself. Don't be someone who's longing 400 00:31:56.559 --> 00:32:00.839 and lonely. Be someone who has a very rich life with lots of different 401 00:32:00.880 --> 00:32:07.000 kinds of friends and coworkers. Okay, second thing you need to do so 402 00:32:07.160 --> 00:32:10.240 the apps don't biohack your brain. And this is really important and the most 403 00:32:10.279 --> 00:32:15.960 important one. Instead of seeing potential in every single profile, I want you 404 00:32:16.079 --> 00:32:22.119 to start off by eliminating I want you to before you even open a dating 405 00:32:22.200 --> 00:32:25.279 app, to write down five things that you would never put up with. 406 00:32:25.680 --> 00:32:30.440 Now. It might be somebody living outside of your zip code. It might 407 00:32:30.480 --> 00:32:34.279 be somebody who's a smoker. It might be somebody with a certain political affiliation 408 00:32:34.359 --> 00:32:37.079 whatever. Maybe you come up with your five things and say, no matter 409 00:32:37.200 --> 00:32:42.359 what I am, I'm not gonna swipe on that person. And if we're 410 00:32:42.400 --> 00:32:45.279 starting to text and I find out that they're one of those five things, 411 00:32:45.279 --> 00:32:51.119 I'm gonna end things right away. Because here's what happens. People have this 412 00:32:51.160 --> 00:32:54.599 weird tendency. You know how they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. 413 00:32:54.799 --> 00:33:01.039 It's actually the opposite. Familiarity doesn't breed contempt. Familiar larity breeds love. 414 00:33:01.680 --> 00:33:05.400 The more you talk to somebody, the more you see them, the more 415 00:33:05.440 --> 00:33:07.960 you think, oh, I must like them. And all of a sudden 416 00:33:07.960 --> 00:33:12.960 you're dating somebody who's completely inappropriate. Now you've given them five dates because you're 417 00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:16.160 in love with hope. You keep thinking it's gonna happen. But they had 418 00:33:16.160 --> 00:33:21.720 one of your five deal breakers from the beginning, and you went forward anyway. 419 00:33:21.960 --> 00:33:23.079 Why are you laughing, Kate? Have you ever done that before? 420 00:33:23.359 --> 00:33:28.440 All the time. I've been there too. But also I think women are 421 00:33:28.480 --> 00:33:31.200 like, oh, give him a chance, he seems really nice, right, 422 00:33:31.759 --> 00:33:35.640 No, you need to go Nope, nope, nope, nope, 423 00:33:35.680 --> 00:33:40.200 nope until Finally there's this one person on the app, one person standing there 424 00:33:40.240 --> 00:33:44.720 on that app, and you're like, oh, I can't find anything wrong 425 00:33:44.759 --> 00:33:47.200 with them. I guess I'm gonna have to go of a cup of coffee. 426 00:33:47.960 --> 00:33:52.440 Now is me and Julio? Now he's my fiance yay Land in the 427 00:33:52.480 --> 00:33:58.039 wedding? Excuse me? Okay? And finally, I used to do this 428 00:33:58.079 --> 00:34:02.279 too, take dating app breaks. There's research to show that your brain gets 429 00:34:02.319 --> 00:34:07.199 fatigued with decision making. Too much decision making fatigues your brain. They actually 430 00:34:07.239 --> 00:34:10.960 did one study on judges. Did you know In the morning, the judges 431 00:34:12.000 --> 00:34:15.239 in court gave much more lenient sentences, and by afternoon they were so tired 432 00:34:15.239 --> 00:34:20.239 of making decisions they were just giving everybody. Send it everyone away. Look 433 00:34:20.400 --> 00:34:23.239 I feel it when I'm grading papers as a professor, I always shuffle them. 434 00:34:23.280 --> 00:34:25.800 Never do them alphabetize. That would be terrible. My last name is 435 00:34:25.800 --> 00:34:30.400 Walsh. I know what that feeling is. Okay, Literally, I'll find 436 00:34:30.400 --> 00:34:34.199 myself going looking for more negative things later on because I'm just tired, right, 437 00:34:34.239 --> 00:34:37.000 I'm just why I get them a good grade? So I stop myself. 438 00:34:37.440 --> 00:34:39.880 I go back five or ten papers or grades, and then I just 439 00:34:39.920 --> 00:34:45.000 say do it another time. So take a break from those dating apps. 440 00:34:45.039 --> 00:34:47.119 Okay, take a break, all right when we come back. If you 441 00:34:47.119 --> 00:34:50.800 have a question about your relationship, remember I'm not a therapist, I'm a 442 00:34:50.800 --> 00:34:54.159 professor, but I am a woman of the world with lots of life wisdom 443 00:34:54.400 --> 00:34:58.719 and I would love to weigh in on your love life. The number is 444 00:34:58.719 --> 00:35:05.159 one eight hundred two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero 445 00:35:05.239 --> 00:35:07.159 one five three four. When you call in, you can be anonymous, 446 00:35:07.239 --> 00:35:10.440 change your name whatever. I know. These are intimate topics. Producer Kayla's 447 00:35:10.440 --> 00:35:14.719 going to take the call right away and then we'll put you on air. 448 00:35:14.840 --> 00:35:19.280 So if you have a question about life, love, relationships, et cetera, 449 00:35:19.760 --> 00:35:22.480 let me weigh in. Why not one eight hundred five two zero one 450 00:35:22.599 --> 00:35:27.639 five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 451 00:35:27.840 --> 00:35:34.280 AM six forty. Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty on demand