WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.120 --> 00:00:27.800 Comedy Central podcast and give the applause, the machine guns, the muskets. 2 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:32.799 How' s it going? You' re going through it? Cool? 3 00:00:33.920 --> 00:00:39.719 Yeah, well, watch out for that, but you can' t just 4 00:00:39.719 --> 00:00:43.880 go through. Cool Just like that, at any moment he' s not 5 00:00:43.880 --> 00:00:48.359 seen. You know, if you spend it like that, cool all the 6 00:00:48.399 --> 00:00:55.600 time people suspect they start counting the times you go to the bathroom isn' 7 00:00:55.600 --> 00:00:58.799 t right. Seen. In fact, there is that theory that people who 8 00:00:58.880 --> 00:01:03.840 always seem happy are because they are really very sad and it can' t 9 00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:07.959 be true. But I think the theory lacks a key point, which is 10 00:01:07.959 --> 00:01:19.280 to start drinking mid- morning. You know your uncle, your uncle? 11 00:01:19.400 --> 00:01:23.000 Your uncle, the nice one, your uncle, the one with the jokes, 12 00:01:23.239 --> 00:01:29.480 the one who calls himself your uncle, the cool one Well, your 13 00:01:29.519 --> 00:01:34.400 uncle, the cool one when there' s early family food. You know 14 00:01:34.439 --> 00:01:38.280 every time your cool uncle tells you that you have to take advantage of the 15 00:01:38.280 --> 00:01:42.000 morning and I' m working on you already. He' s actually asking 16 00:01:42.040 --> 00:01:47.120 you for help. You know everything he says and your cool uncle does is 17 00:01:47.200 --> 00:01:55.040 a cry for help. Every time your cool uncle is telling you a joke. 18 00:01:55.560 --> 00:02:00.000 What he is truly telling you is that I wish, then, to 19 00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:19.240 inhabit your body and lover and leave mine in the open so that the wind 20 00:02:19.400 --> 00:02:23.120 may blow it. No one' s gonna dare with this little homemade sorcerer 21 00:02:23.120 --> 00:02:28.599 that I brought or what eh. Do you have to have a nice time? 22 00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:30.960 Have a nice time? You have to do more things, you have 23 00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:34.879 to do productive things as well as having fun they say that now is a 24 00:02:34.919 --> 00:02:39.919 good time to be an entrepreneur. I don' t have a joke here, 25 00:02:40.120 --> 00:02:43.719 but I trusted myself. I trusted myself and decided to get into pet 26 00:02:43.759 --> 00:02:47.120 trainer. It occurred to me one day that I discovered that my dog had 27 00:02:47.120 --> 00:02:52.520 shit in the shower. Then I realized it wasn' t me. But 28 00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:59.039 I said this, I' m not going to recognize it. And be 29 00:02:59.159 --> 00:03:01.520 this no, I' m not going to recognize this. The dog' 30 00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:04.520 s fault I say I scream at him. He knows it wasn' t. 31 00:03:04.560 --> 00:03:07.800 I' m not going to take any notice of myself I have to 32 00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:10.080 take advantage of this situation. So I got him to apply for the postponement 33 00:03:10.159 --> 00:03:20.800 of live online. When he saw the move, he said wow, I 34 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:24.120 ' m sorry. I lied to you. This did not happen, but 35 00:03:24.120 --> 00:03:27.960 I see you there and I wanted to impress you and in the end, 36 00:03:28.919 --> 00:03:30.599 because I invented not one, when I want to impress, invent. Fiction 37 00:03:30.599 --> 00:03:35.199 is always better than reality. Any real story you put in there a little 38 00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:38.439 fiction and it always gets better, you know, you get in there it 39 00:03:38.479 --> 00:03:40.560 ' s a talking dog. Not in the country house has he seen ghosts. 40 00:03:42.759 --> 00:03:46.680 Don' t put a guarantee in there that neither I nor any member 41 00:03:46.759 --> 00:03:52.199 of my party has embezzled public funds. You know, history better a lot. 42 00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:00.719 It' s something that gives me a lot of anger, because, 43 00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:04.439 I mean, I was going to commit real crazy things to have real stories, 44 00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:08.240 powerful to tell people that it has a good time. Me, this 45 00:04:08.280 --> 00:04:12.680 is true and I, three years ago I ended up in the dungeon for 46 00:04:12.680 --> 00:04:17.600 coming out to my balcony with a ball gun. History has all the elements. 47 00:04:18.199 --> 00:04:20.720 I' ll sum it up. I was there, I had a 48 00:04:20.720 --> 00:04:23.839 party. I wanted to entertain my guests. So pretty much the balcony with 49 00:04:23.879 --> 00:04:27.399 a ball gun made the idiot out of it. The national police were shot 50 00:04:27.399 --> 00:04:29.920 at the door. I said it' s because of the noise. There 51 00:04:29.959 --> 00:04:31.680 ' d be eight cops. They took me, mobilized me, threw me 52 00:04:31.720 --> 00:04:33.959 to the ground, started screaming the gun. Where' s the alarm? 53 00:04:34.079 --> 00:04:38.040 I mean, it wasn' t the music, it wasn' t the 54 00:04:38.040 --> 00:04:41.040 gun. They went into the floor at gunpoint, woke up a sleeping roommate, 55 00:04:41.319 --> 00:04:45.040 immobilized him in his bed while opening drawers and looking for a gun, 56 00:04:45.160 --> 00:04:46.120 and I screamed from the floor. I didn' t go. I was 57 00:04:46.160 --> 00:04:50.399 a ball man, I was a joke. They took me or took me 58 00:04:50.399 --> 00:04:53.319 to a police station, sat me in a chair, took pictures of me. 59 00:04:53.399 --> 00:04:56.120 I fall asleep and I say well, so far the party isn' 60 00:04:56.120 --> 00:05:00.680 t being that weird either. They put me in the dungeon, I woke 61 00:05:00.680 --> 00:05:01.199 up after a while. There, next to a cellmate that the guy really 62 00:05:01.600 --> 00:05:09.560 had to know where the coffee machine was. Your first time, I cried 63 00:05:09.680 --> 00:05:14.240 after a while. They pulled me out. I had a first statement with 64 00:05:14.279 --> 00:05:16.759 an ex officio lawyer. They said maybe he was going to prison. They 65 00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:21.079 said he had a call that he was calling. I said to my mother 66 00:05:21.120 --> 00:05:24.319 they told me to think about it, best take it for a walk. 67 00:05:25.439 --> 00:05:28.000 They put me back in the dungeon. I cried again. They woke me 68 00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:30.439 up. At three in the morning, I was handcuffed to the rest of 69 00:05:30.800 --> 00:05:32.879 the prisoners, all of them in ranks. They took us to the van 70 00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:36.959 of the van, took us to the dungeon of Moratalás, gave me a 71 00:05:36.959 --> 00:05:41.360 blanket, a mattress, a small packet of chickens and a little tetrabric of 72 00:05:41.399 --> 00:05:46.360 juice that was good to go well cutres themselves. The truth. Don' 73 00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:51.240 t applaud, because it' s all shame, a real story. I 74 00:05:51.399 --> 00:05:55.560 fell asleep and woke up at ten o' clock in the morning and was 75 00:05:55.639 --> 00:05:58.199 handcuffed again to all the prisoners. We left like this in line to one 76 00:05:58.279 --> 00:06:00.879 we got into the van, they took us to the calabo of Plaza Castilla, 77 00:06:00.879 --> 00:06:03.800 which I say well, here you put a tourist guide with a banner 78 00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:08.439 and you are on tour for Morocco, which by the way I love Morocco. 79 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:11.480 I don' t know if you' ve been, but the exaggeration 80 00:06:11.480 --> 00:06:13.920 is incredible. I mean, against what they think. There' s a 81 00:06:13.959 --> 00:06:17.480 lot of party in exaggeration. The Berbers are there all day, a little 82 00:06:17.600 --> 00:06:27.720 joke to cheer up the story. They took me to the dungeon a ra 83 00:06:30.600 --> 00:06:33.959 you flabbes put me in the dungeon they took me out for the quick trial. 84 00:06:34.079 --> 00:06:38.240 I said this is my time. There was a woman who was repeating 85 00:06:38.279 --> 00:06:43.319 loudly everything I said. The fair one asked me what you remember and I 86 00:06:43.439 --> 00:06:47.480 said I remember doing zero- type poses zero seven and the woman repeated loudly 87 00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:49.920 zero- type poses seven. In the other light I wrote it. It 88 00:06:49.959 --> 00:06:57.160 tells me what you do for a living. I said. I' m 89 00:06:58.240 --> 00:07:02.680 funny and he tells me but you make a living like me and I, 90 00:07:03.120 --> 00:07:15.120 thinking I wish you could avoid your body. I told him. I told 91 00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:18.720 him that well, I had a lot of fun doing it. Woman repeated, 92 00:07:18.759 --> 00:07:23.680 had a good time doing it and let me go. There' s 93 00:07:23.720 --> 00:07:28.079 the story and the truth is that you took advantage to tell this here because 94 00:07:28.120 --> 00:07:30.399 I' m awaiting trial. So, Madam Judge, if you see me 95 00:07:31.199 --> 00:07:34.279 that you have shown that everything I told you is true and these people are 96 00:07:34.360 --> 00:07:47.279 with me you know, please, rome encartals to see eh I. You 97 00:07:47.279 --> 00:07:50.759 have to spend it, cool with care, you have to spend it, 98 00:07:53.319 --> 00:07:55.439 cool with care, you have to take advantage of having your mind entertained. 99 00:07:55.480 --> 00:07:59.519 In other things, you know more innocuous things. I, for example, 100 00:07:59.519 --> 00:08:03.519 recently decided to buy a book, a biology book, and it' s 101 00:08:03.560 --> 00:08:13.240 changing my life, I mean, it' s amazing the plants dude is 102 00:08:13.319 --> 00:08:16.439 alive that shit, that is the fucking plants, I mean, so I 103 00:08:16.560 --> 00:08:20.399 ' ve read. The only difference between a palm tree and me is that 104 00:08:20.399 --> 00:08:24.959 I can' t reach seven meters and I' m much more likely to 105 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:31.480 create uncomfortable situations. You knew we were made up of a trillion cells, 106 00:08:33.639 --> 00:08:41.600 that is, a trillion cells, a trillion cells motivated and prepared to make 107 00:08:41.360 --> 00:08:50.360 you look ridiculous, a trillion cells, waiting, waiting for the time to 108 00:08:50.399 --> 00:08:56.039 come for someone to say hello to you to say thank you and the loas 109 00:08:56.200 --> 00:09:01.840 said trion wasn' t enough, but that was more of an office. 110 00:09:05.120 --> 00:09:07.200 I don' t know. Since I read this book I have realized that 111 00:09:07.240 --> 00:09:09.519 this is said not of what world we are going to leave our children. 112 00:09:11.000 --> 00:09:13.120 No. I believe that climate change is not going to be one of the 113 00:09:13.159 --> 00:09:16.960 problems they are going to have, that is, they are going to have 114 00:09:16.039 --> 00:09:20.440 much more serious problems than being forty degrees in the shadow of sorio in February. 115 00:09:22.360 --> 00:09:24.679 You know our kids are gonna have to face things like knowing that hundreds 116 00:09:24.840 --> 00:09:31.279 or thousands of strangers have seen them grow up on social media. They' 117 00:09:31.279 --> 00:09:33.519 re gonna get a moment that our kids, not your son or your daughter 118 00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:35.679 is gonna go down the street, get it from a gentleman and he' 119 00:09:35.720 --> 00:09:39.279 s gonna say it man. I' ve known you, I' ve 120 00:09:41.039 --> 00:09:52.240 known you since you were like that and you' re going to be and 121 00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:56.559 your son or your daughter is going to say that you' re friends with 122 00:09:56.559 --> 00:09:58.559 my parents and the lord will say no good. I followed your mother. 123 00:10:01.080 --> 00:10:05.720 You know you have to pass it to him, cool, but you have 124 00:10:05.720 --> 00:10:07.799 to pass it to him, cool, you have to pass it to him, 125 00:10:07.799 --> 00:10:09.720 cool. You take advantage of the moment, because you never know when 126 00:10:09.799 --> 00:10:13.679 life is going to take an unexpected turn. I, for example, spent 127 00:10:13.720 --> 00:10:18.000 two months living in my car this summer. That wasn' t the unexpected 128 00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:20.559 turn. I mean, me right now. Every time I go to the 129 00:10:20.600 --> 00:10:26.799 workshop it' s like going there that I spent two months living in my 130 00:10:26.919 --> 00:10:28.720 car, but because I started working as a waiter in a beach bar. 131 00:10:30.879 --> 00:10:33.200 When I tell you this, people say well, at least you' d 132 00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:35.919 meet a lot of people and I' d see shit behind a bush. 133 00:10:37.000 --> 00:10:39.919 The last thing I wanted was to socialize. But the truth is it was 134 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:43.639 a good experience and I had a great time. I mean start working as 135 00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:48.240 a waiter after years of what might be considered professional drunk, I felt like 136 00:10:48.279 --> 00:10:54.480 a footballer who jumps coach. You know in my case I was like Roberto 137 00:10:54.559 --> 00:11:00.840 Carlos, coach, player. It was a good experience, an experience in 138 00:11:00.840 --> 00:11:03.559 fact, going out there with Bride. Yeah, I got a girlfriend now. 139 00:11:05.559 --> 00:11:18.360 We' re all just as surprised. It' s the first time 140 00:11:18.440 --> 00:11:22.320 I' ve ever had a girlfriend. I' m so excited, I 141 00:11:22.879 --> 00:11:24.840 mean, it' s all amazing, so I feel like an intern. 142 00:11:26.919 --> 00:11:28.559 The other day he told me he was thinking of leaving him and I asked 143 00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:35.120 him for a letter of recommendation. It was all super pretty, really, 144 00:11:35.399 --> 00:11:37.600 it was all very nice. Do at first or at least until the time 145 00:11:37.639 --> 00:11:43.559 of the first surprise fart came. The fart was mine. We were there 146 00:11:43.559 --> 00:11:46.519 in bed a few days before we met and I was in this state as 147 00:11:46.600 --> 00:11:52.000 if I slept half awake candle, half asleep that you don' t know 148 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:54.960 very well where you are. You know if all of a sudden my sfinter 149 00:11:54.000 --> 00:12:00.000 relaxed and pash woke up a clear fart looks to one side of life. 150 00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:09.480 I' m here and I caught myself still without sound, as if I 151 00:12:09.519 --> 00:12:15.879 were in front of a REX tyrant to see if she had also woken up 152 00:12:15.960 --> 00:12:31.320 with her fart, kept sleeping and listened to her breathing uy, I fuck 153 00:12:33.320 --> 00:12:41.679 what tension or she' s sleeping or she' s enjoying it and she 154 00:12:41.759 --> 00:12:45.840 couldn' t anymore the tsar Anne and I say hey I think we' 155 00:12:46.200 --> 00:12:58.960 ve been robbed says, but what do you say if we' re in 156 00:12:58.960 --> 00:13:05.159 your car. Yeah, I laughed, too, and he looked at me 157 00:13:05.919 --> 00:13:09.279 and he told me you' re having a good time. Cool. Thank 158 00:13:09.320 --> 00:13:35.159 you very much, Sois, we' re empathetic.