WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.040 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:09.039 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app AFI Am six forty. 3 00:00:09.080 --> 00:00:12.480 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Welsh 4 00:00:12.560 --> 00:00:17.199 Show. Okay, there's a challenge tonight, everybody. I am so jet 5 00:00:17.320 --> 00:00:20.960 legged. I got back last night from visiting my daughter in Paris. I 6 00:00:21.079 --> 00:00:25.800 I'm gonna tell you all about it. And I'm not good with no sleep. 7 00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:29.120 I was up for twenty four hours and then I was able to sleep 8 00:00:29.199 --> 00:00:33.600 five hours last time is not enough. And I asked my sweet Julio to 9 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:38.079 drive me to work today because I read those statistics that it's like drunk driving. 10 00:00:38.479 --> 00:00:43.079 Like my even typing, I'm making so many typos, so I gotta 11 00:00:43.079 --> 00:00:46.280 get my tongue to cooperate for the next two hours. Hey, if you're 12 00:00:46.359 --> 00:00:49.679 new to the show, I'm doctor Wendy Walsh, known as America's relationship expert. 13 00:00:49.719 --> 00:00:52.479 I got a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist. I'm 14 00:00:52.479 --> 00:00:56.640 a psychology professor and I've written three books on relationships. We're gonna be talking 15 00:00:56.679 --> 00:01:00.640 about your relationships tonight producer Kayla, do you know how to have a fair 16 00:01:00.679 --> 00:01:03.000 fight? Uh No, We're going to talk about how to have a healthy, 17 00:01:03.400 --> 00:01:07.159 healthy fight. I need to learn that because I'm not nice in fights. 18 00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:11.920 And also tips for how to date somebody who's emotionally avoidant, how to 19 00:01:11.959 --> 00:01:17.560 deal with that. Plus I'll be answering your social media questions. You can 20 00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:22.159 send them in on my social at Doctor Wendy Walsh is the handle and I 21 00:01:22.200 --> 00:01:25.840 have a very special guest coming later in the show who's a marriage and family 22 00:01:25.879 --> 00:01:30.640 therapist as she she's a licensed clinical social worker, but she does couples and 23 00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:34.400 family therapy all day long, and she's got some inside love hacks for us, 24 00:01:34.439 --> 00:01:38.319 which is fun. Okay, So I am a psychology professor at California 25 00:01:38.319 --> 00:01:44.239 State University, Channel Islands. You know what that means? Tomorrow we're going 26 00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:49.719 on strike. It's the first time that the cal States Faculty Association is going 27 00:01:49.719 --> 00:01:53.200 on strike in the history of forever, every single campus all over California. 28 00:01:53.359 --> 00:01:55.920 So do you have your signs? Like are you going to be outside picketing 29 00:01:56.079 --> 00:02:00.400 houses? Wargo register for my time. There's like a link. But here's 30 00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:04.359 the funniest thing. I get an email from sag after because here I am 31 00:02:04.359 --> 00:02:08.280 on iHeartRadio and this is my sag after a job and it says, if 32 00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:12.319 you're a sag after a person, we would like you to go out to 33 00:02:12.400 --> 00:02:15.520 campus and support the teachers strike tomorrow. I'm like, who should I go 34 00:02:15.599 --> 00:02:19.479 as? Should I go as the radio host or the teacher? You gotta 35 00:02:19.520 --> 00:02:24.280 gets exactly. We are fighting for things, including a small pay raise. 36 00:02:24.360 --> 00:02:28.719 I think they're asking for twelve percent, but the things that I care about 37 00:02:28.840 --> 00:02:34.360 not so much the more money. The big one is more mental health services 38 00:02:34.360 --> 00:02:38.560 for students. We're dealing with a population of students now who I'm going to 39 00:02:38.639 --> 00:02:44.039 do the math correctly. Seems like they were on zoom for grades ten and 40 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:47.960 eleven or nine, ten and eleven somewhere in there, and they a lot 41 00:02:49.000 --> 00:02:52.039 of them are struggling, a lot of them, and we want our campuses 42 00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:57.159 to have put more allocation towards helping a lot of these young people in California. 43 00:02:57.719 --> 00:03:00.719 And also one of my other pet A favorites that we're asking for is 44 00:03:01.080 --> 00:03:06.520 more lactation rooms for the breastfeeding moms. Remember I am a full on dairy 45 00:03:06.599 --> 00:03:09.319 queen. I nurse for six years. Okay, two different kids, so 46 00:03:09.360 --> 00:03:15.120 it's three years each. But I was always just whipping it out everywhere in 47 00:03:15.159 --> 00:03:17.960 public. Did you just make up that dairy queen? No, I love 48 00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:22.639 that. I'm a dairy queen, love that full on dairy queen. Six 49 00:03:22.719 --> 00:03:25.639 years I was there and I felt, since I have a very high shame 50 00:03:25.759 --> 00:03:30.439 tolerance, I'm not afraid of being ashamed, I just whipped it out anywhere 51 00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:32.319 because I thought I had to be the one to show the world we shouldn't 52 00:03:32.360 --> 00:03:36.560 have to hide this. But you know it is easier to do if you 53 00:03:36.560 --> 00:03:40.120 have a quiet, comfortable lactation room. And the other is more gender neutral 54 00:03:40.199 --> 00:03:46.639 bathrooms as our growing population of kids who are non binary or in transition or 55 00:03:46.680 --> 00:03:49.319 what have you. All Right, so that's tomorrow. I won't be going 56 00:03:49.319 --> 00:03:52.560 to work. I'll be following it closely. I'm in a registered ticket. 57 00:03:52.639 --> 00:03:54.840 I don't know do I have a sign or to make a sign? Maybe 58 00:03:54.879 --> 00:03:59.879 just go there with a picture of a breastfeeding mom. That's all I needed. 59 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:02.520 Like that? Yeah, that's powerful. Yeah, I mentioned I got 60 00:04:02.560 --> 00:04:06.319 back from Paris last night. So you should know if you are a mother 61 00:04:06.520 --> 00:04:14.599 of daughters, that there is a developmental stage called mom hating sorry, it's 62 00:04:14.599 --> 00:04:17.759 not in the textbooks, but it's a thing. So when young girls are 63 00:04:17.800 --> 00:04:21.000 so close to their moms, I hope they are. They're all wrapped around. 64 00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:24.399 I mean, well, we start out as one body, but then 65 00:04:24.439 --> 00:04:28.800 we slowly separate. But we're just so close. And in order to fully 66 00:04:28.920 --> 00:04:33.759 individuate, there's a psychobabble term for you, individuate. Sometimes girls have to 67 00:04:33.800 --> 00:04:38.240 have conflict with their moms. That's why they fight with their moms often as 68 00:04:38.240 --> 00:04:41.920 a teenager. My daughter was deeply, madly in love with me, my 69 00:04:41.959 --> 00:04:45.879 oldest one, until her twenties, and then it was nasty. For a 70 00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:47.720 while. It was Cayla. I would come here almost in tears telling you 71 00:04:47.759 --> 00:04:50.399 stories about the things she said to me. Yeah, it was a rough 72 00:04:50.680 --> 00:04:55.240 you too have had. Yeah. So she has been living in Paris a 73 00:04:55.319 --> 00:04:59.079 year. Hadn't seen her in a year. Well, she came home Christmas. 74 00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:01.959 But then I went back anyway, and I made a little comment when 75 00:05:01.959 --> 00:05:04.639 I booked the trip last fall, and I was kind of like, uh, 76 00:05:04.759 --> 00:05:08.759 so you're gonna be nice to me, write some little mom dig She 77 00:05:08.759 --> 00:05:10.439 goes, why wouldn't I be? You know, what do you mean? 78 00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:15.879 So I go over there, this girl twenty five years old, surprises me 79 00:05:16.439 --> 00:05:21.639 and takes me out to an elegant chateau in Bordeaux. Buys me Champagne, 80 00:05:23.319 --> 00:05:28.279 pays for it, tells me she loves me. I'm ready to break up 81 00:05:28.319 --> 00:05:32.040 with Julio and marry my daughter again. She swept you off your feet and 82 00:05:32.160 --> 00:05:35.040 pally. She was so sweet. I love that. It was a best 83 00:05:35.079 --> 00:05:39.399 trip you both deserve. It's the best trip. She wasn't grumpy once. 84 00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:44.199 She carried my bag up and down all those subway stairs, metro stairs and 85 00:05:44.199 --> 00:05:47.160 everything, and my thing was heavy. She was dragging my luggage everywhere. 86 00:05:47.319 --> 00:05:51.160 She misses her she's in Paris. It's so sweet. Anyway, here's what 87 00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:56.519 I learned about the French. When you're comparing cultures, it's so much fun. 88 00:05:56.959 --> 00:06:00.240 Do you know why none of them are obese? O ghetto? That's 89 00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:02.480 a bad generalization. There might be one or two. I just didn't see 90 00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:08.959 any, not a one. And yet I ate more fat and more bread, 91 00:06:09.279 --> 00:06:13.000 and more cheese and more butter at every single meal. How is this 92 00:06:13.120 --> 00:06:16.360 possible? Well, I did a little slothing. I'm gonna stumble all over 93 00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:20.000 my words because I got chat like slouthing. And turns out well, I 94 00:06:20.040 --> 00:06:24.079 knew this. I teach hell psychology. High fat diet's the best thing for 95 00:06:24.160 --> 00:06:27.560 us, folks. It makes you eat less because you're so satiated. And 96 00:06:27.639 --> 00:06:30.480 did you know the butter in Paris which my daughter pulled out a brick of 97 00:06:30.560 --> 00:06:31.839 and pulled a teaspoon of and said, eat this, mom. You won't 98 00:06:31.839 --> 00:06:35.160 believe how good it tastes. The butter's so amazing to here actually has higher 99 00:06:35.160 --> 00:06:40.040 fat than our butter. It's so creamy and good. It's tasty. Did 100 00:06:40.079 --> 00:06:42.720 you eat this ppoonful? Oh? Yeah. In fact, one night for 101 00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:45.519 dinner, we had this thing called reclet. This is the cool meal that 102 00:06:45.560 --> 00:06:48.319 everybody's eating in Paris. They actually serve it at the hotels. They serve 103 00:06:48.360 --> 00:06:55.800 it. Even KFC has reclet right now. It is basically nothing but melted 104 00:06:55.879 --> 00:06:58.439 cheese, full trays of it. Everybody's got like a fondu thing. You 105 00:06:58.480 --> 00:07:01.079 got your own little tray of it and boiled potatoes and you just dip your 106 00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:04.920 potatoes in the cheese. And I'm like, we're the green vegetable. She 107 00:07:04.959 --> 00:07:08.639 goes, oh no, there are none with herklet. It's just cheese and 108 00:07:08.639 --> 00:07:13.680 potatoes and warm mulled wine with spices. Sounds like a party. We did 109 00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:15.600 have a party with all her friends. We had all her girlfriends eating riklet. 110 00:07:16.040 --> 00:07:18.720 It's all online. I posted the video. By the way, Okay, 111 00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:20.720 so that's why they're skinny. What else did I want to say? 112 00:07:21.600 --> 00:07:26.720 Okay, they hoddle in third spaces. You hear a lot of talk about 113 00:07:26.759 --> 00:07:30.680 we're not having enough of a third space. We have our workplace, we 114 00:07:30.759 --> 00:07:34.560 have our home place, but our third space used to be of all embarrassing 115 00:07:34.600 --> 00:07:42.000 things. Them all for consumers in America, But I'll tell you in France, 116 00:07:42.279 --> 00:07:45.160 the apartments are so little. They don't spend much time there. They're 117 00:07:45.199 --> 00:07:48.480 in so many third spaces. Whether it's outdoor games they're playing, whether it's 118 00:07:48.519 --> 00:07:51.639 parks and it was cold, but they were bundled out there. Whether it 119 00:07:51.720 --> 00:07:58.360 was bestros, whether it was pubs, bars, they are out there, 120 00:07:58.439 --> 00:08:01.879 and when you look at them, nobody's on their phone. They are talking 121 00:08:01.879 --> 00:08:05.279 to each other, They're animated. They're squished in these tiny little bestros, 122 00:08:05.319 --> 00:08:09.959 all packed in and everybody is talking and talking. And I've never seen so 123 00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:16.319 much social connection. We just don't have that here. I also want to 124 00:08:16.360 --> 00:08:20.920 say that when I finally got to the airport to leave Charles de gaul Airport 125 00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:28.920 yesterday. It was startling to see and hear the Americans getting on the plane. 126 00:08:28.600 --> 00:08:35.480 I was startled by how we mutilate our bodies, the puffed up lips, 127 00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:41.919 the injected that the fake, but they don't exist among even the most 128 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:46.960 high fashion in Paris. It was like a crazy looking, deformed group of 129 00:08:46.960 --> 00:08:50.519 people. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it. We look nutty, nutty, 130 00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:54.799 and the vocal frye off the girls. I couldn't believe the vocal fry. 131 00:08:56.480 --> 00:09:00.759 They've been listening to Kim for too long. Yeah, would you don't 132 00:09:00.799 --> 00:09:03.200 hear it? In how it's like a culture shock. It's a culture shock 133 00:09:03.480 --> 00:09:07.480 just to come home. And I want to close by saying I went to 134 00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:11.039 the most beautiful art exhibit. Of course, my daughter got us tickets at 135 00:09:11.080 --> 00:09:16.039 the Eve Seller Rayl Foundation Museum, the roth Co exhibit. It was so 136 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:18.960 beautiful, all his bright colors, and then of course he got into all 137 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:22.159 this dark stuff at the end, and then he died by suicide. I 138 00:09:24.120 --> 00:09:26.919 did no one see the writing on the walls. There was big giant murals 139 00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:33.159 that were all black folks saying he's being of art remember when we had the 140 00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:35.200 guy on from the Van Go Exhibit. Yeah, if anybody missed, it 141 00:09:35.240 --> 00:09:37.519 is on the future segments. The case is, well, we're going to 142 00:09:37.559 --> 00:09:41.519 do Van Go Giveaway right now, so you know it's here in LA. 143 00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:46.919 It's an immersive experience that uses state of the art technology that combines projectors, 144 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:54.240 animation, and it transforms Van Go's timeless masterpieces into breathtaking living canvases that will 145 00:09:54.240 --> 00:09:56.639 surround and engage you as a visitor. We are going to take call. 146 00:09:56.720 --> 00:10:00.919 Looks she's running the phone already. Call her number third seven. You know 147 00:10:00.960 --> 00:10:03.840 why because that's how many years Van Go is on this earth. The numbers 148 00:10:03.840 --> 00:10:09.039 one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred 149 00:10:09.320 --> 00:10:11.759 five two zero one five three four. We got a couple tickets for the 150 00:10:11.879 --> 00:10:18.480 Van Go Exhibit if you're caller number thirty seven one eight hundred five two zero 151 00:10:18.919 --> 00:10:24.320 one KFI when we come back, Why are our girls having precocious puberty? 152 00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:28.799 Yeah, some of them are getting breasts as early as age six. Let's 153 00:10:28.879 --> 00:10:31.399 delve into this. When I come back. You are listening to the Doctor 154 00:10:31.399 --> 00:10:35.240 Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio 155 00:10:35.240 --> 00:10:43.039 app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. 156 00:10:43.360 --> 00:10:48.120 KFI AM six forty you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is 157 00:10:48.320 --> 00:10:52.240 the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. I want to talk about a very sensitive but 158 00:10:52.360 --> 00:10:56.879 important topic, something that's happening in our culture, right under our very own 159 00:10:58.000 --> 00:11:01.159 eyes. If you're a mother of a daughter, you might be aware of 160 00:11:01.200 --> 00:11:07.440 it, maybe not. During the last few decades, girls are getting their 161 00:11:07.480 --> 00:11:09.799 periods younger and younger and younger, and some people chalk that up to, 162 00:11:09.879 --> 00:11:13.360 oh, well, is this better nutrition, isn't it. No, Actually, 163 00:11:13.399 --> 00:11:16.360 we have worse nutrition now, I think than we did for a long 164 00:11:16.399 --> 00:11:22.440 time. There's a researcher named Marcia Herman Giddons. Back when she was serving 165 00:11:22.559 --> 00:11:28.759 as director for the Child Abuse Team at Duke University Medical Center. That was 166 00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:33.960 back in the late nineteen eighties. That's when she started to notice this phenomenon. 167 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:39.759 She found when she was evaluating girls sadly who had been abused physically or 168 00:11:39.759 --> 00:11:45.720 sexually, she noticed that many of them had started developing breasts as young as 169 00:11:45.759 --> 00:11:50.919 the age of six. It made her think, so she started doing some 170 00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:56.759 research, and ten years later she published a study of more than seventeen thousand 171 00:11:56.879 --> 00:12:01.840 girls who underwent physical examinations at peace theiatricians' offices around the country. So to 172 00:12:01.840 --> 00:12:03.720 do that kind of research is pretty easy. I mean, it takes time. 173 00:12:05.080 --> 00:12:07.519 You got to communicate with a lot of doctors, but you get a 174 00:12:07.519 --> 00:12:13.080 bunch of pediatricians on board, a good sample size of pediatricians across the country, 175 00:12:13.440 --> 00:12:16.519 and you basically say what age are your girls growing breast brad buds, 176 00:12:16.559 --> 00:12:22.919 when are they starting to get their periods? And those numbers revealed that on 177 00:12:24.159 --> 00:12:28.480 average, girls in the mid nineteen nineties had started to develop breast, which 178 00:12:28.519 --> 00:12:33.759 is usually the first sign of puberty, around age ten. The decline was 179 00:12:33.799 --> 00:12:39.440 even more striking for black girls, average age around nine. If you're new 180 00:12:39.480 --> 00:12:45.600 to my show, you might not know that. My two daughters are biracial 181 00:12:45.679 --> 00:12:50.279 African American and Irish Canadian, and my oldest daughter got her period at the 182 00:12:50.279 --> 00:12:54.919 age of nine, and I wasn't even It's like elementary school. You don't 183 00:12:54.919 --> 00:12:56.039 even prepare them, you don't have the stuff for it, and you know, 184 00:12:56.679 --> 00:13:01.759 and she developed so early. I actually worried about the social stuff for 185 00:13:01.840 --> 00:13:05.120 her because she was way taller than everybody. She had bigger you know, 186 00:13:05.240 --> 00:13:09.879 m h and the guys were kind of harassing her more. And I noticed 187 00:13:11.000 --> 00:13:13.879 this. Maybe this was in my own head, but it felt like some 188 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:18.759 of the moms stopped doing the playdight thing, Like it's almost like my girl 189 00:13:18.879 --> 00:13:22.200 was scary to them because she was so developed, and it was just kind 190 00:13:22.200 --> 00:13:28.399 of weird. I wasn't entirely wrong because if you're if I'm aligning with the 191 00:13:28.440 --> 00:13:33.080 research, girls who go through puberty early are at a higher risk of depression, 192 00:13:33.120 --> 00:13:39.320 anxiety, substance abuse, other psychological problems. They have actually a higher 193 00:13:39.639 --> 00:13:43.799 risk of developing breast cancer or uterine cancer in adulthood. And that's because they're 194 00:13:43.840 --> 00:13:46.879 just getting more periods that's starting earlier. It's the assault on their breasts of 195 00:13:46.879 --> 00:13:48.960 all that estrogen every month. We're not meant to have periods every month, 196 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:52.759 by the way, you know, we had that doctor Sophia Yan from Yale 197 00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:58.399 University on our show before Kaylea. She's, uh, what is her app 198 00:13:58.440 --> 00:14:03.679 called where you can order birth control app? PANDEA health, and her her 199 00:14:03.759 --> 00:14:11.399 slogan is hashtag Period's optional. Because she's trying to mimic what happened in our 200 00:14:11.440 --> 00:14:15.919 anthropological past. When people say what's natural and normal, I'll tell you what 201 00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:20.639 it is to get your period relatively late. Back in our anthropological past, 202 00:14:20.679 --> 00:14:24.759 girls were sixteen seventeen eighteen getting their first period. They were, you know, 203 00:14:24.039 --> 00:14:28.440 not very consistent for the first year. By the second year they might 204 00:14:28.480 --> 00:14:31.120 have been pregnant. Then they're pregnant for a year. Then they're nursing for 205 00:14:31.320 --> 00:14:37.080 three to five years, which tend to suppress ovulation and works as a natural 206 00:14:37.120 --> 00:14:39.559 birth control. Don't try it in today's times, by the way, because 207 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:43.039 those ladies nursed around the clock in the night all the time, so it 208 00:14:43.120 --> 00:14:46.960 kept as long. If you go five hours without nursing, your estrogen can 209 00:14:46.000 --> 00:14:48.720 start to go up and you can start to ovulate again. Anyway, you 210 00:14:48.720 --> 00:14:52.799 know, I wrote my dissertation on attachment theory, and I followed this and 211 00:14:52.840 --> 00:14:56.120 breastfeeding outcomes. I followed this group, so I have all these data in 212 00:14:56.120 --> 00:15:00.159 my heads. I followed all these pregnant women for a year. But anyway, 213 00:15:00.200 --> 00:15:05.039 so then we would wean that baby, have a few more periods, 214 00:15:05.120 --> 00:15:09.519 get pregnant again. By the time a woman hit menopause in her forties, 215 00:15:11.000 --> 00:15:16.120 she probably had five pregnancies, of which three lived and survived. That's like 216 00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:20.679 what's normal for us, right, instead of getting a period every single month, 217 00:15:20.720 --> 00:15:22.879 which makes sure estrogen go up, can assault your breast and then you 218 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:26.559 delay having babies till well into your thirties. That's so, that's why, 219 00:15:26.759 --> 00:15:31.320 that's why the rest of rates of cancer can go up, all right, 220 00:15:31.399 --> 00:15:37.559 So why are the reasons that girls are getting precocious puberty? First of all, 221 00:15:37.639 --> 00:15:39.480 obesity. There's a ton of research that dates all the way back to 222 00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:46.639 the nineteen seventies that girls who are overweight or obese start their periods earlier. 223 00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:52.200 It raises your estrogen levels. Right, But here's the big one, chemicals. 224 00:15:52.840 --> 00:15:56.639 In two thousand and nine, there was a study done in Denmark of 225 00:15:56.679 --> 00:16:00.080 a thousand school age girls. It found that the average breast development had dropped 226 00:16:00.120 --> 00:16:07.360 by a year since a study just ten years before that. And what they 227 00:16:07.480 --> 00:16:15.279 found is in their urine they had levels of these fathylates pathylates. Basically, 228 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:19.639 they're the chemicals used to make plastics firmer, more durable, and they're in 229 00:16:19.679 --> 00:16:26.279 everything from vinyl flooring to food packaging. So we call these endocrine disruptors, 230 00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:33.320 right, who disrupt the behavior of hormones, So chemicals from plastic can be 231 00:16:33.399 --> 00:16:38.200 making a difference. Here's the one that really disturbs me. Sexual abuse. 232 00:16:40.120 --> 00:16:42.879 What we do know is that sexual abuse in early childhood has been linked to 233 00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:48.799 earlier puberty onset. But here's what we don't know. What comes first the 234 00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:56.519 chicken or the egg. Does sexual abuse amp up everything in the body because 235 00:16:56.559 --> 00:17:00.200 the child is aroused and hormones change, and therefore they get puberty earlier. 236 00:17:02.279 --> 00:17:07.640 Or are girls who develop earlier more likely to be sexually abused. We don't 237 00:17:07.680 --> 00:17:15.279 know the answer there. And finally, emotional distress. Girls who have mothers 238 00:17:15.319 --> 00:17:19.319 that have a history of mood disorders also get their puberty early. You know 239 00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:23.599 I look at and also those who don't live with their biological fathers. So 240 00:17:23.720 --> 00:17:27.799 let me explain it. First of all, let's talk about evolution and what 241 00:17:27.920 --> 00:17:32.079 might be happening. I'm speculating here, but I'm interested in the topic. 242 00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:37.759 So what if you have a mother who has mental illness and your home life 243 00:17:37.799 --> 00:17:41.480 is not so great. Remember, the body informs the mind, the mind 244 00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:47.240 informs the body. What if your body says, you know what we're getting 245 00:17:47.240 --> 00:17:49.480 out of here? We are growing up, We are getting out into the 246 00:17:49.480 --> 00:17:52.640 field and ready to reproduce. This is not a safe haven for us. 247 00:17:53.279 --> 00:17:59.319 Maybe it pushes early puberty. Then this other fact, girls who don't live 248 00:17:59.359 --> 00:18:04.160 with their biology fathers. There is some speculation by researchers that is the pheromones 249 00:18:04.880 --> 00:18:14.119 the smell of fathers and brothers who suppress periods because it tells the brain don't 250 00:18:14.119 --> 00:18:18.039 reproduce here. This is not safe. These are your own genes and it's 251 00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:21.640 only once you're out of the house that your body goes, oh, hello, 252 00:18:22.279 --> 00:18:25.400 look at that boy in class. He smells delicious. Maybe I'll go 253 00:18:25.440 --> 00:18:32.240 there right now. We're picking up pheromone information all the time unconsciously from people. 254 00:18:33.079 --> 00:18:37.839 I also personally want to add that our highly sexualized media could also be 255 00:18:37.880 --> 00:18:45.279 triggering stuff in kids because you know, humans again in our anthropological past most 256 00:18:45.480 --> 00:18:51.240 often have sex in private. So the proliferation of not only pornography which kids 257 00:18:51.240 --> 00:18:56.720 are getting access to, sorry folks, but also the highly sexualized advertising that 258 00:18:56.720 --> 00:19:00.720 they're being exposed to on a regular basis. And let's add Instagram, they're 259 00:19:00.759 --> 00:19:03.680 sexualizing themselves and each other with the filters and everything they're doing. I mean, 260 00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:07.799 it's the first thing you'll see a twelve year old girl has put up 261 00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:11.279 a picture of herself in a bikini doing all the sexy stuff. Right, 262 00:19:11.680 --> 00:19:15.119 So who knows that that environment isn't triggering the brain to go, hey, 263 00:19:15.559 --> 00:19:18.839 we're mature now, so to go out there and find a mate. I 264 00:19:18.920 --> 00:19:22.720 don't know, but I do know. We need to keep our girls safe. 265 00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:25.960 And when girls do develop early, it doesn't mean their brain. They're 266 00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:30.240 not a young adult walking around. They still have a childish brain, and 267 00:19:30.279 --> 00:19:34.039 we need to treat them like girls, no matter how old they look. 268 00:19:34.799 --> 00:19:37.720 All right, when we come back, let's get into some couple stuff. 269 00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:42.160 How to have a healthy fight. According to me and one woman on TikTok 270 00:19:42.279 --> 00:19:47.519 actually had a really nice husband who left her a post it by the dirty 271 00:19:47.559 --> 00:19:49.759 dishes that I'm going to share when I come back. You're listening to the 272 00:19:49.799 --> 00:19:55.279 Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio 273 00:19:55.319 --> 00:20:02.359 app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from k A sixty I 274 00:20:02.680 --> 00:20:04.759 AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 275 00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:08.240 Dr Wendy Walls Show. Well, unlike the lyrics to that song, you 276 00:20:08.359 --> 00:20:15.160 have my full permission to go to bed mad, because there's nothing worse than 277 00:20:15.240 --> 00:20:19.279 two overtired, maybe drunk people bickering with each other. Get a good night's 278 00:20:19.279 --> 00:20:22.839 sleep, and then tackle the problem. That's my advice. Okay, let's 279 00:20:22.839 --> 00:20:26.799 talk about how to have a healthy fight before we do. Though. There 280 00:20:26.839 --> 00:20:33.039 is a video that has gone viral on TikTok about a woman, a wife 281 00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:36.720 who wakes up in the morning her husband has had I guess, all his 282 00:20:36.720 --> 00:20:41.319 buddies over to watch the game the night before, and she shows the entire 283 00:20:41.400 --> 00:20:47.319 sink filled with dirty, gross food dishes and she doesn't get upset. Listen 284 00:20:47.400 --> 00:20:49.960 to this. My husband had people over for like a big game last night, 285 00:20:51.039 --> 00:20:52.759 and I like, look at all these frikin dishes in the sink. 286 00:20:53.480 --> 00:20:59.559 And then I get this note. What a good guy? See the thing 287 00:20:59.640 --> 00:21:02.279 is just because he left me. The note makes me want to like tackle 288 00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:04.200 it right, like I have mourning energy. It's fine that I just love 289 00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:07.680 that he acknowledges that you left a mess in the sink and like, don't 290 00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:11.359 worry, he'll take responsibility for it. But anyways, we've come so far. 291 00:21:12.279 --> 00:21:15.160 Isn't that great? So the note said it was a little posted and 292 00:21:15.200 --> 00:21:19.640 in handwriting, he just wrote I got this and an arrow pointing towards the 293 00:21:19.680 --> 00:21:26.000 dishes. And why she was thrilled was that he realized that it would be 294 00:21:26.039 --> 00:21:30.359 a burden for her, so he wanted to take that burden off her shoulders. 295 00:21:30.359 --> 00:21:33.720 But what did she say? She said, I got mourning energy makes 296 00:21:33.720 --> 00:21:36.599 me want to do it because he realizes it was him. You know, 297 00:21:36.680 --> 00:21:40.880 I think one of the things that works well with Julio and I is that 298 00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:45.480 we're always trying to outdo the other in kindness. We're always trying to like 299 00:21:45.559 --> 00:21:48.799 take care of each other's needs. Although I'll just be honest when I'm tired, 300 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:53.519 which like he's been really really nice to me. He made me breakfast. 301 00:21:53.640 --> 00:21:56.279 I tried to go to sleep and I couldn't. I was grumpy. 302 00:21:56.559 --> 00:22:00.519 It was like he was being I didn't do anything today. He did it 303 00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:03.000 all. But I'll make it up for you know, after I finally catch 304 00:22:03.079 --> 00:22:07.200 up on my sleep, I'm gonna make it up. So did you know 305 00:22:07.599 --> 00:22:14.680 that one study found that happily married couples actually do not argue any less than 306 00:22:15.039 --> 00:22:21.160 unhappily married couples, But what they do is they argue differently. One of 307 00:22:21.200 --> 00:22:26.279 the things that secure, healthy couples do is somehow in the midst of their 308 00:22:26.440 --> 00:22:32.000 arguments, they're actually problem solving. They're finding an end to their disputes instead 309 00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:36.759 of endless bickering that seems to go nowhere or escalates into insults. Right, 310 00:22:37.480 --> 00:22:41.759 So I did a little look deep diving at the research and I have a 311 00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:47.599 few ways that I have come up with on how you can have a healthy, 312 00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:51.680 happy fighter. It's never really happy, but healthy. Okay. The 313 00:22:51.759 --> 00:22:56.039 number one rule is long before you fight, be positive in your relationship. 314 00:22:56.079 --> 00:23:02.359 So in your day to day operations, makes show in general that you say 315 00:23:02.359 --> 00:23:07.440 more positive things to your partner than negative things because what this does is it 316 00:23:07.519 --> 00:23:11.759 creates a healthy foundation. And then when conflict does come up, you both 317 00:23:11.839 --> 00:23:17.160 know you basically have each other's back. You're basically in love. You're just 318 00:23:17.440 --> 00:23:19.839 having a fight. You don't ever forget that, right, So make a 319 00:23:19.880 --> 00:23:25.400 point of think of it as a pot of gold. That's your investment that 320 00:23:25.480 --> 00:23:30.680 you put into your relationship. So put compliments and gratitude on every every single 321 00:23:30.759 --> 00:23:33.240 day. So when conflict comes up, you know you've got that big pot 322 00:23:33.240 --> 00:23:37.839 of gold you can dig into, all right. Number two, when you're 323 00:23:37.839 --> 00:23:41.960 not fighting. Set some ground rules for your fights. So you might want 324 00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:45.759 to set some boundaries that say, you know, you can't call me names, 325 00:23:47.200 --> 00:23:49.720 you can't walk out of the room, you can't break anything, you 326 00:23:49.759 --> 00:23:53.519 can't be completely rude. The other thing is, once you set up these 327 00:23:53.519 --> 00:23:57.640 ground rules, when you do get into conflict, be a little bit patient 328 00:23:57.680 --> 00:24:03.759 and flexible. Because when people are upset and they're hot headed, they say 329 00:24:03.839 --> 00:24:07.680 things that they might not say at other times. So they're just emotional. 330 00:24:07.839 --> 00:24:10.759 So you gotta sort of let some of that stuff slide a little bit. 331 00:24:11.599 --> 00:24:15.319 All right, now you're in the fight. Now, I want you to 332 00:24:15.319 --> 00:24:19.720 focus on listening closely. You see, when your partner's angry, it's so 333 00:24:19.799 --> 00:24:23.400 easy to just get defensive, and then your brain is just focusing on your 334 00:24:23.400 --> 00:24:29.279 next comeback, what you're gonna say. Instead, I want you to really 335 00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:32.480 key into what they're saying, empathize with them, put yourself in their shoes, 336 00:24:32.680 --> 00:24:34.480 and even verbalize it. Say it back what you think they're saying. 337 00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:41.440 But when you do talk, stay on your own feelings rather than their behavior. 338 00:24:41.799 --> 00:24:45.880 Right, you never do you always do? You don't do these y 339 00:24:47.559 --> 00:24:51.960 how about I felt this because of that? Right? So instead of saying 340 00:24:52.480 --> 00:24:56.759 you didn't clean up the dishes. Let's say that guy hadn't left the note 341 00:24:56.880 --> 00:24:59.359 and she ran into his room and said, you didn't clean up the dishes. 342 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.440 What if she said instead, you know, when I see dirty dishes 343 00:25:03.480 --> 00:25:06.519 in the sink, it makes it feel like you don't care about me or 344 00:25:06.559 --> 00:25:11.240 my time. Right, So different, Stay on your feelings. Avoid those 345 00:25:11.279 --> 00:25:17.480 taboo words, the ones I just used, always and never, because nobody 346 00:25:17.599 --> 00:25:22.160 always or never does anything, okay, And then you get sidetracked arguing about 347 00:25:22.200 --> 00:25:29.799 the facts. Now later, we're going to have a therapist on and I 348 00:25:29.799 --> 00:25:33.880 definitely want to ask her about this. If this is really common with couples, 349 00:25:33.160 --> 00:25:37.519 if you get into the same fight over and over and over again, 350 00:25:40.279 --> 00:25:44.599 I think it's because it doesn't even have to do with this current relationship. 351 00:25:44.599 --> 00:25:48.920 It has to do with some early childhood conflict that you have. So starting 352 00:25:48.960 --> 00:25:53.000 to realize that is a big step forward. If you're continuing to fight about 353 00:25:53.039 --> 00:25:56.480 the same thing and it never gets resolved, it probably doesn't belong in this 354 00:25:56.599 --> 00:26:00.799 relationship. It belongs in you, in some that happened in your past. 355 00:26:02.720 --> 00:26:08.640 But above all, don't avoid things, no matter how uncomfortable some subject is. 356 00:26:10.599 --> 00:26:15.119 Stay with it. Try to understand. There's so much research to show 357 00:26:15.160 --> 00:26:19.759 that if you are dismissive of your partner's feelings, or you just change the 358 00:26:19.839 --> 00:26:26.319 subject, or worse, you give them the silent treatment. This is a 359 00:26:26.319 --> 00:26:33.000 prescription for a breakup and take a cool down break if you need to. 360 00:26:33.039 --> 00:26:37.839 If you need to stop yourself from saying something awful that you can't recover from, 361 00:26:38.039 --> 00:26:42.160 if you need to stop yourself from breaking something or hitting somebody, then 362 00:26:42.200 --> 00:26:45.519 it's okay to go for a walk or run, go to the gym, 363 00:26:45.559 --> 00:26:48.920 meditate, whatever you need to do. But you need to tell your partner 364 00:26:48.039 --> 00:26:52.200 clearly when you will be able to talk again. And keep this promise. 365 00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:56.119 Don't use it as an actagism. I'm going to get out of this situation 366 00:26:56.200 --> 00:27:00.559 and maybe this situation will disappear. Okay. These are how people have healthy 367 00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:07.119 arguments. It is not you don't judge your relationship's health based on how much 368 00:27:07.200 --> 00:27:11.960 they fight, but the quality of their fights. And then do you have 369 00:27:11.079 --> 00:27:14.839 great makeup time? You don't have to have makeup sex, but you can 370 00:27:15.119 --> 00:27:18.839 that's always fun. But do you have time when you come back into relationship 371 00:27:18.279 --> 00:27:22.160 and say I'm sorry I said that Annie, I love you. We got 372 00:27:22.240 --> 00:27:26.400 it figured out right, then you know you're having healthy, healthy conflict. 373 00:27:26.759 --> 00:27:30.720 It's important, all right when we come back, because I get people write 374 00:27:30.759 --> 00:27:36.359 me about this all the time. Are you dating somebody who's emotionally avoidant? 375 00:27:37.200 --> 00:27:41.799 I've got a user's guide for you how to date somebody who's emotionally avoidant. 376 00:27:41.079 --> 00:27:45.440 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty We Live 377 00:27:45.480 --> 00:27:49.880 Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 378 00:27:49.960 --> 00:27:55.839 KFI AM six forty. KFI Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh 379 00:27:55.880 --> 00:27:59.319 with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Okay, So a 380 00:27:59.319 --> 00:28:03.799 lot of my knowledg I came by through reading textbooks, reading self help books, 381 00:28:04.119 --> 00:28:08.720 continuing to read stuff, but most of it is through life experience. 382 00:28:10.400 --> 00:28:14.319 And I have to tell you I used to have what I would call an 383 00:28:14.400 --> 00:28:18.279 anxious ambivalent attachment style. You know what an anxious ambivalent attachment style is. 384 00:28:18.680 --> 00:28:19.559 It is, oh my god, when is he going to call? Oh 385 00:28:19.599 --> 00:28:22.519 my god, I can't wait, Oh my god. I'm going to be 386 00:28:22.519 --> 00:28:25.720 attached to guys who aren't really interested in me those bad boys, I Am 387 00:28:25.759 --> 00:28:27.319 just going to fall in love with them. But if one of them turns 388 00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:30.160 around and shows love, I'm going to go go away, and I'll do 389 00:28:30.200 --> 00:28:33.559 everything I can to make them go away. Right, the come forward, 390 00:28:33.599 --> 00:28:38.279 go away girl. That was me, And I got myself attached to this 391 00:28:38.519 --> 00:28:44.000 playboy, bad boy, nightclub owner guy who's so gorgeous, so gorgeous, 392 00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:49.559 and he would come and go based on his own avoidant thing. What's avoidant, 393 00:28:49.559 --> 00:28:55.400 you ask, Well, there are people out there who feel really uncomfortable 394 00:28:55.960 --> 00:28:59.759 talking about feelings. In fact, when they have a feeling it's nice, 395 00:28:59.759 --> 00:29:03.160 they're not even aware they have it. If you take an attachment test, 396 00:29:03.319 --> 00:29:07.319 and there's lots of them online attachment style test, but the best one here 397 00:29:07.359 --> 00:29:10.519 at Google it is by Chris Frayley fr L. E. Y. He's 398 00:29:10.559 --> 00:29:14.359 a researcher and he collects data all the time on attachment style. You can 399 00:29:14.400 --> 00:29:18.680 go on and take Chris Frayley's attachment test and if you have an avoidant attachment 400 00:29:18.759 --> 00:29:22.680 style, you're probably not listening to this radio show. But if you are, 401 00:29:23.599 --> 00:29:30.000 sometimes you will get a false positive for secure because you not you. 402 00:29:30.119 --> 00:29:36.559 But someone like that is so detached from their own feelings that when the questions 403 00:29:36.559 --> 00:29:41.559 are saying something like when my partner's away, I have feelings of longing or 404 00:29:41.559 --> 00:29:45.160 distress when they're not around, you're like, no, I'm good, and 405 00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:47.799 you have a whole bunch of those, right, And so it sometimes comes 406 00:29:47.839 --> 00:29:53.599 off as secure because people who have an avoid attachment styles, partly genetic, 407 00:29:53.680 --> 00:29:59.680 partly what happened early in life, learn to be completely self sufficient because the 408 00:29:59.680 --> 00:30:06.000 little child inside them they're unconscious, doesn't trust relationships, doesn't trust that they 409 00:30:06.039 --> 00:30:11.759 will be loved if they reveal their true feelings to somebody. So I get 410 00:30:12.880 --> 00:30:18.200 direct messages and emails from people all the time asking me how to handle somebody 411 00:30:18.200 --> 00:30:22.880 who's avoidant. Because what's interesting is that people who have an anxious attachment style 412 00:30:22.119 --> 00:30:27.720 who are in love with longing are unconsciously really attracted to people who have an 413 00:30:27.720 --> 00:30:33.039 avoidant style. Now, they don't like the feeling that they're in and they'll 414 00:30:33.079 --> 00:30:36.359 say things like it's just the chemistry's just there. I don't know why I'm 415 00:30:36.440 --> 00:30:38.279 drawn to him and he doesn't call me back, right, is like, 416 00:30:38.599 --> 00:30:45.440 unconsciously they're drawn. So is it possible for somebody who has an avoidant attachment 417 00:30:45.519 --> 00:30:52.720 style to have a healthy relationship, yes, under one of two circumstances. 418 00:30:52.359 --> 00:30:56.960 One is if they're in a relationship with another avoidant person. They have great 419 00:30:57.000 --> 00:31:02.079 relationships, no thread of into me to see. They act like perfectly well 420 00:31:02.119 --> 00:31:06.200 behaved roommates, nobody has to worry about any feelings. They're never touched on. 421 00:31:07.480 --> 00:31:12.640 Or they meet somebody who has a secure attachment style who can tolerate them 422 00:31:12.720 --> 00:31:18.720 their withdrawal, et cetera and not crumble and fall apart, And maybe maybe 423 00:31:19.240 --> 00:31:23.920 the avoidant person learns that it's okay to open up, that it's safe, 424 00:31:25.599 --> 00:31:30.599 that the person with the secure attachment style isn't going to run away make fun 425 00:31:30.599 --> 00:31:33.240 of them for their feelings. They're just going to be there and be solid. 426 00:31:34.000 --> 00:31:37.720 So maybe you're somebody who does have a secure attachment style, which means 427 00:31:37.759 --> 00:31:45.359 you can give and receive love comfortably, that you have a solid backbone, 428 00:31:45.799 --> 00:31:48.640 and you can be honest about your feelings, and you can tolerate shame and 429 00:31:48.680 --> 00:31:53.880 say you're sorry sometimes and not fall apart. Right, You're not overly proud, 430 00:31:53.920 --> 00:31:57.759 you don't have a big ego. You just kind of you like yourself, 431 00:31:57.799 --> 00:32:02.480 but you realize that you're human and sometimes you make mistakes. That's somebody 432 00:32:02.519 --> 00:32:06.720 with a secure attachment style. So if you're that and you happen to be 433 00:32:06.799 --> 00:32:10.039 dating somebody who's avoidant, here's some little tips for you. Number one, 434 00:32:10.319 --> 00:32:16.440 don't take anything personally. People with an avoidant attachment style are not deliberately trying 435 00:32:16.440 --> 00:32:21.559 to mess with you. They're not deliberately trying to hurt you. In fact, 436 00:32:22.240 --> 00:32:28.279 what they're doing is practicing self preservation. You see, emotional intimacy makes 437 00:32:28.319 --> 00:32:34.640 people who are avoidant feel extremely uncomfortable, So sometimes you have to respect that. 438 00:32:35.119 --> 00:32:38.200 If they withdraw, they're not hurting you. They're just going into their 439 00:32:38.200 --> 00:32:45.559 little safe place. Right. However, my second bit of advice is still 440 00:32:45.599 --> 00:32:52.519 model healthy feelings yourself. Don't let them create the rules over your honesty. 441 00:32:52.960 --> 00:33:01.200 All feelings are normal, All feelings are welcome. To express your feelings through 442 00:33:01.279 --> 00:33:07.799 honest emotional language. Just because your partner can't express their feelings doesn't mean that 443 00:33:07.839 --> 00:33:10.839 there has to be a moratorium on the healthy modeling of emotions. Maybe they'll 444 00:33:10.880 --> 00:33:15.000 learn something from you modeling, meaning they'll learn right they see the model of 445 00:33:15.039 --> 00:33:20.839 it. Third thing, please limit your prodding. Okay, Avoidant people get 446 00:33:20.880 --> 00:33:27.160 easily engulfed smothered and they withdraw even more when they're pushed. So instead of 447 00:33:27.160 --> 00:33:29.319 asking them, well, what are you feeling and why don't you talk to 448 00:33:29.359 --> 00:33:31.880 me about this? You need to open up. You are emotionally avoidant. 449 00:33:31.920 --> 00:33:36.440 Nope, doesn't work. In fact, if you're going to use any word 450 00:33:36.480 --> 00:33:39.079 to ask them, how, how should I'm feeling a little left out here? 451 00:33:39.079 --> 00:33:43.240 How should we fix this? Because that's like a problem to be solved 452 00:33:43.519 --> 00:33:47.279 rather than a feeling to be dealt with. Also, let's think about you 453 00:33:47.880 --> 00:33:53.359 and your emotional health. Find other places of emotional support, close friends, 454 00:33:53.920 --> 00:33:59.960 family, Those may be the people where you get most of your emotional intimacy 455 00:34:00.160 --> 00:34:07.759 from. And that's okay. And above all, don't reinjure yourself if you 456 00:34:07.119 --> 00:34:15.039 have an anxious attachment style and every time your avoidant partner withdraws or dismisses, 457 00:34:15.079 --> 00:34:20.440 you, don't take it so personally, but go see a therapist, a 458 00:34:20.519 --> 00:34:28.079 licensed clinical therapist, who can help you understand that this person today is a 459 00:34:28.159 --> 00:34:36.039 convenient object that's replicating what probably happened early in life, maybe even before you 460 00:34:36.079 --> 00:34:40.000 were verbal, and you can't remember it right. Eventually I learned to leave 461 00:34:40.159 --> 00:34:46.360 avoidant people. It was hard, I had to go completely no contact to 462 00:34:46.440 --> 00:34:52.880 give myself self control. I had to like block them, change my phone 463 00:34:52.960 --> 00:34:58.159 number, you know, change my email, do all that stuff. Also 464 00:34:58.400 --> 00:35:00.559 understand that when you're breaking up with somebody who's avoidant, you're going to have 465 00:35:00.639 --> 00:35:05.480 vulnerable moments where you're going to want to reach out anyway, don't do it. 466 00:35:06.199 --> 00:35:08.639 Find another backup person that you can call, a close friend, a 467 00:35:08.719 --> 00:35:15.599 relative, somebody who you can console with when you're feeling lonely. And above 468 00:35:15.639 --> 00:35:21.000 all, go to therapy so you can change your patterns. When I learned 469 00:35:21.039 --> 00:35:25.800 to be attracted to somebody who was kind and loving and secure and available, 470 00:35:27.639 --> 00:35:32.639 everything changed in my life. It made my life so easy. Hey, 471 00:35:32.639 --> 00:35:36.840 when we come back, I'm going to go to social media. Remember I'm 472 00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:38.760 not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I've written three books on 473 00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:44.039 relationships, i did a dissertation on attachment theory, and I've had a lot 474 00:35:44.079 --> 00:35:46.719 of life experience. Okay, but if you want to send me a direct 475 00:35:46.719 --> 00:35:51.599 message, the handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. I think we're checking Instagram 476 00:35:51.599 --> 00:35:53.760 today, so head on over to my Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh. Send 477 00:35:53.800 --> 00:35:58.440 me a question because I'll be answering them when we come back. You are 478 00:35:58.480 --> 00:36:02.559 listening to the Doctor Wendy walshow on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere on 479 00:36:02.639 --> 00:36:07.960 the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always 480 00:36:07.960 --> 00:36:12.880 hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday 481 00:36:13.079 --> 00:36:15.119 and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app