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This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're
listening to KFI AM six forty, the

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Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on
the iHeartRadio app. And I am taking

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your calls. The number is one
eight hundred five two zero one five three

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four. That's one eight hundred and
five two zero one KFI. A reminder,

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I'm not a therapist. I'm a
wise woman. I'm a psychology professor.

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I've written three books on relationships and
did my dissertation on attachment theory.

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I am going, well, Kayles, screening the calls. I am going

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to go to social media where we
have you know, it's very delicate conversations.

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Oh right, right right, Tony
wanted me so. Remember earlier in

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the show, we were talking about
the comments the Tyler Perry made about that

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the internet's all a flutter about black
women should accept men even if they make

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less money, as long as they
give them love in other ways. And

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Kayla very clearly said that she thought
that a wealthy man had no right telling

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a woman what she should need or
what she should accept. So one of

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our listeners called back in a talk
back, and let's listen to that.

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Hey, doctor Winnie's Arnold again.
You guys probably won't play this, but

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I want to say I think Kavis
overreacting. It's not about settling, It's

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about finding somebody that cares about you, that you care about. Monetary responsibilities

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shouldn't really matter. If you can
take care of them, she can take

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care of them, as long as
they're taken care of. But two people

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finding each other it should be a
beautiful thing. Okay, Arnold, I

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understand your point. However, it
is not my job or your job to

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ever tell a black woman what she
needs, what she should do, or

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that she's overreacting. I wouldn't do
that. We'll just leave it at that

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hero who. Okay, well,
let that would fly? All right?

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Let me go to social media.
The number is one eight hundred and five

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two zero one five three four.
Dear doctor, Wendy, help, I'm

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currently five months pregnant. I do
not like messages that start out that way.

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Help. I'm currently five months pregnant. My partner has not been present

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going to doctor's appointments, and I
even had to go to the ear once.

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This is my second pregnancy and I've
been having some things come up.

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I've voiced to him many times that
he needs to be there with me.

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His work schedule is crazy, and
his work is aware that I'm pregnant.

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Not to mention, he has several
hours of what's pto, pto? Okay,

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pay time off? Okay, thank
you. I don't expect every single

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time, but for example, when
I have to go to the ear,

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he's never there and he's always working. I'm in Oh, I'm in the

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ar now crying by myself, awaiting
test results, and he's barely checking in

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on me. I feel so alone. I've told him how alone and terrified

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I've felt. Am I wrong for
having these expectations? Now we have a

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new thing less sentence I just got
to say because it adds the plot thickens.

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The last sentence is with my first
pregnancy that son's father was not there

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either, So it's also triggering feelings
of abandonment. Oh where do I go

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here? First of all, if
you're alone in an er, I want

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you to know there are angels around
you and caring people. I train a

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lot of people in my psychology students
who go into the healthcare industry, and

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there are lots of people who are
there for you. But I'm seeing a

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pattern here that you're choosing partners who
aren't giving you care, especially at your

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greatest moment of need, physical vulnerability, when you're at an emergency ward.

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And so this is you know,
like if you went to see a therapist,

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I'll bet you the therapist might say
something like, well, this might

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be confirming some unconscious feelings you have
that you're not worthy enough of care and

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love. But I'm going to tell
you you are worthy of care and love.

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And if this guy's not even caring
for you when you're pregnant, how

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is it going to help out with
the kids. I am just so worried

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for you. My best advice is
to get more social support. Lean on

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your friends, family, sisters,
mothers, grandmothers, everybody you need to

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get social support. Don't count on
him because he's not going to change,

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and you're gonna sit there pining away
and being sad. You're gonna have to

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get different social support because you've got
a hard road ahead of you. All

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Right, we have a caller,
who do we got, Kayla? We

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have Josie. Hi, Josie,
it's doctor Wendy. Hi. What's your

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question? Love? I I feel
like I'm in a pattern I was married

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for twenty five years to a man
that every time he wouldn't get his way,

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he would ignore me. He would
ignore me for days or weeks,

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and days or weeks he would give
you the silent treatment, and you hung

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in there for twenty five years.
Our last year of marriage, I think

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he didn't talk to me for a
whole year, and we were practically living

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in the same house, like if
we were roommates. Anyways, moving forward,

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I've been single five years. Two
men I've dated. I would call

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them, they wouldn't answer, text
them, they wouldn't text me back,

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and I would still hang in there. And I was like, wait a

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minute, why am I doing that
to myself? I feel like I'm in

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a pattern. This is a big
breakthrough for you. This is a big

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breakthrough you realize it's you and your
choices. I mean, they're allowed to

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be however they want, but you're
choosing people with poor conflict skills. And

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I highly suggest you get a therapist
to help you change. But a therapist

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would probably say, you know,
what does this remind you of in your

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early childhood? Who taught you that
it was okay to give me the silent

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Yeah, my parents ignored each other. Oh, and this is what you

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learn right, And yeah, this
is what you learned is okay, And

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sometimes you get out of that.
Trying something different, even if it's supposed

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to be pleasurable, can be terrifying. Right. Have you ever heard me,

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Josie tell the story of the hole
in the road. That's my favorite

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example of personal growth. And I'll
tell you what stage you're at. Stage

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one is you're walking down the street, you don't see a hole in the

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road, and you fall in.
That's your twenty five year marriage, right

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and with a silent treatment all the
time. Then you're walking down the street.

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This time you see the hole and
you recognize it and you still fall

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in. That's you right now.
The third stage is you're walking down the

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street, you see that hole,
and this time you go, no way,

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I'm not going out with that guy. You very carefully walk around that

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hole. But the fourth stage is
you take a different street. And so

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it's about this awareness that you're growing, Josie. You're starting to see it's

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a pattern. You're starting to see
that you know it's not your fault,

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but that there are things you're doing
that are attracting you to these people.

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So here's my best advices is just
girlfriend to girlfriend advice the next time anybody

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you date gives you poor conflict resolution
skills, namely the silent treatment. Block

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them, change the number to move
on, defriend, unfollow, just disapper,

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just disap here forever. Don't be
in love with hope that they'll change.

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Don't say, well I called you, Why didn't you call me?

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Nope, nope, nope, nope. There don't get a chance to ever

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ever ever call you or talk to
you again. All righty h Josie,

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thank you so much for calling.
Should I go back to social media?

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Tony? You said something? Was
it time? I got Tony in my

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ear? Because I just go on
and on and on and he has to

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tell me because we have to go
to break sometimes. You know, I

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will have more when we come back. If you would like to call in,

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the number is one eight hundred five
to zero one KFI. That's one

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eight hundred and five to zero one
five, three four. You're listening to

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the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf
I am six forty. We're live everywhere

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on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening
to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KF.

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I am six forty. You have
doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This

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is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and
I am taking your calls. The number

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is one eight hundred five two zero
one KFI. Okay, producer Kayla,

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who do we got? We have
Gina with the question. Gina, Hi,

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Gina, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy. How are you

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good? What's your question? Love? I just wanted to know if you

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feel like you have a divine partner
in someone but they don't see it that

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way, how do you kind of
get over this, this feeling of not

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being with that person. Well,
my therapist used to say to me that

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I should use the feelings. The
feelings are messengers. It's really not about

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this person. This person is a
convenient object for you to project some of

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your feelings of loss onto. And
when you work with a licensed clinical therapist,

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they will help you get to the
root of it. And that's how

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change happens, when your brain learns
that it's not about seeking out unavailable partners.

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I want to tell you you use
that word a divine partner. It

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sounds a lot like a soulmate to
me, and these things don't exist.

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When you become whole, when you
have enough self esteem, when you have

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healthy relationship skills, there will be
a lot of soulmates around all of a

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sudden, a lot of divine partners
around. What this person is is an

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object for your longing, an object
for what psychologists might call an anxious attachment

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style. And I really encourage you
to get a partner in this, which

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would be a good therapist who can
help you get to the bottom of those

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feelings, because otherwise you're going to
keep finding partners like this that will bring

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up those same feelings until they're attended
to. We spend our adult romantic lives

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going back to the scene of the
crime, going back to visit our childhood

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injustices. But now they tend to
be good looking people, driving nice cars,

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with good jobs. But that doesn't
mean that they don't evoke in us

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early childhood feelings. Gina. I
hope that explains a bit, And thank

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you for calling. Oh yeah,
yeah, okay, Producer Kayla. Who

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we got next? We have Terry
with a question. Terry, Hi,

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Terry, it's doctor Wendy. Oh
hello, Hi, what's your question?

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I want to know what kind of
what would I look for a woman who

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is a better class person? Does
that doesn't mean educated because that means nothing

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to me, but can carry on
a conversation. You know, if I

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mention mentioned Byron Peacher Shelley, they
won't you left clueless. We'll have some

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idea what I'm talking about. I
saw you once, you're the thank you

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for right age, and I'm taking
I found you attractive. I know he

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may not be around forever though.
That's called trying to hang out and be

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a backup mat. When we were
talking about backupmates last week, So is

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your question, Terry, you want
to know where you can meet women?

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Well, yeah, if I remember
the Los Angeles Country Club, I'd probably

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go there every night to make contact. But I'm not and I don't think

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I could join there. I don't
have enough. Well yeah, so a

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lot of those private social clubs exist
partly because they do give a supply of

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mates when people divorce. There they
are socially organized around couplehood, so they

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don't let people be single for long
because they don't want them mate poaching.

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So they're very quickly to fix other
people up and get them kind of in

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the system. If you will,
but let me tell you times have changed,

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Terry, and it's all about the
apps. The apps are for people

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of all ages. Now, the
fastest growing group of people on dating apps

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tend to be people over the age
of sixty. And don't be shy.

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Everybody's on there. I will tell
you this. Don't lie about your age.

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There's research out of the Kinsey Institute
that shows that when people lie at

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the very beginning about something, whether
it's the height, the weight, the

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age, and all the things they
do, then it's really hard to build

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trust because them potential dates don't trust
anything if it starts out with a lie.

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So just be honest and be out
there and be chatty, and you

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will meet women. Trust me,
they're out there, Terry, thanks so

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much for calling. Okay, let
us go to social media. I've got

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more questions pouring in. Dear doctor, Wendy, I hooked up on the

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first date. It was never the
tension, but it happened. How do

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you handle it when he doesn't answer
your texts and calls? Driving myself crazy?

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Right now? This sounds a lot
like Gina, are you in love

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with longing? Or it's a theme
tonight, isn't it? I will say

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this after this segment, I have
a very special guest coming up, one

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of the authors of the book The
Rules. They have a new book out,

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those two women who wrote that famous
book The Rules, about how to

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behave early on in a relationship.
And I will tell you this. Hooking

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up on a first date doesn't help. And I know you said it wasn't

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the intention, and it just happened. Nothing just happens. What happened is

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you either drank too much alcohol or
you were overwhelmed with neurohormones of attraction and

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lust and you went for it not
thinking about You can't use short term strategies

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to play a long term game.
So how do you take care of your

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feelings right now? You surround yourself
with people who love you just for you,

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your friends, your family. You
remind yourself that you are lovable.

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This was a big learning lesson and
time to move on, all right,

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Producer, Kayla, who do we
have on the phone. We have mister

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Smith with mister Smith. I'm mister
Smith. It's doctor Wendy. Yes,

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fam, thank you. I was
just saying it. I've been married for

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twenty eight years after a passionate evening
with my loved one my wife. I

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was telling her how great she was
and how I really appreciate the gifts she

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gave me, and she all of
a sudden said, my boyfriend of years

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ago. I didn't think so.
And I was trying to figure well,

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what did she just say? What
like, her boyfriend didn't agree that you

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had she'd given you nice gifts,
that she was a good gift. Oh,

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that she was a good gift.
So this was a boyfriend before you

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were married. Yes, and she's
remembering it from thirty years ago. Yes.

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Wow, So what is that?
What is that saying about us?

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Well, basically, so I want
to be clear. So you told her

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you are such a gift to me, and she said, well, my

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boyfriend before you didn't think that,
did I understand that correctly? That was

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her name, right, But that
was her saying I don't believe you because

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I don't love myself. I'm reminded
every day of people who rejected me.

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It translated, it just means you
can love me all you want, but

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I don't love myself enough to be
able to accept that love. Now that

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doesn't mean your relationship is in the
tubes or anything, but that's the basic

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translation. You know, you hear
from time to time when people say,

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unless you love yourself, you really
can't love anybody else. And some people

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will argue with that because I don't
think they understand what it means. But

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if you don't like yourself, if
you don't have enough self esteem to handle

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the bumps and the shame and the
embarrassment that happens in a very intimate relationship,

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then it will be very hard to
believe that someone loves you back,

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very difficult to believe that. And
here, for twenty eight years she may

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have harbored these feelings. I think
it would be a great opportunity, mister

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Smith, to open up the conversation
about why does this still stay with you?

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Why do you have a hard time
believing it about me? What's going

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on with you? Because it's about
her, it's not about you. But

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you can always grow and learn more
things about each other. All right,

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Heading off to social media one more
time. Dear doctor Wendy, what do

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you think of a man who just
met started saying, depending on your behavior?

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I asked, what do you mean? He says, well, if

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things go well, depending on your
behavior. I thought this was disrespectful.

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The fact was this was our first
encounter. Is this behavior okay? No,

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this behavior's absolutely not okay. If
somebody says to you from the very

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beginning, I'm testing you and until
you behave the way I want you to

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behave, don't think you've got me. Don't think you can trust me.

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I mean, this is a very
mistrustful person. This is a person who's

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trying to shape your behavior, who's
trying to control you. And by the

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way, what is this, you
know, mystery behavior that he wants you

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to do. Is he giving you
a whole list of you're supposed to be

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his robot girlfriend? Dump him,
block him, get rid of him.

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Definitely. Okay. One more quick
question before we go to break high,

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Doctor Wendy, dating today is so
hard. When the bill comes, do

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you reach for it? Do you
just wait for him? Do you offer

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to split it? Listen, you
are going to hear in my next segment

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from the author of the rules,
and I will tell you that she will

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say, don't reach for your wallet. A man must think he's getting the

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prize. And if a woman gives
in and pays early on, it doesn't

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matter if you make four times as
much he does. It's a dance that's

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going on in the early stages of
courtship, and you have to keep your

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pretty little manicure off your wallet.
You'll have to sit there and put your

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lip gloss on and let him get
that check. Don't touch it? Are

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you kidding? If you touch it, you've just said to him. Please

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like me, please, please?
Is I don't really value myself very much?

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Please like me. I'll even contribute
to half the checks. Please like

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me. A woman who knows her
worth sits back and says, that was

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a delicious meal. Thank you.
That's all you need to say. All

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right, all right, when we
come back, I have the author of

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the rules. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kaf I

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Am six forty. We're live every
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to

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Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf
I am sixty. I told you I

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had a special guest coming on the
show, and I am thrilled to be

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able to introduce you to Sherry Schneider. Now you're saying, now, who

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is Sherry Schneider? I know I
know that name. How do I know

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that name? Do you know?
How you know that name her. With

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her partner Ellen Fine, wrote probably
one of the most famous books in the

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dating space in the nineties called The
Rules, Remember the Rules? Welcome Sherry,

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how are you God? Thanks Flendy, I'm so happy to have you

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on the show. Finally, because
that book was my bible. In the

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mid nineties, I was a young
news anchor in Los Angeles and dating so

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many commitment phobic guys, and your
book inspired me so much that a few

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years later I wrote a book called
The Boyfriend Test, How do we evaluate

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his potential before you lose your heart? And it was very specific, like

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here's what should happen on the first
date, or here's what should happen by

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thirty days, and here's the ninety
day probation period. It was very very

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specific. But you inspired me because
let's talk about what The Rules really was?

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And is it is a book about
boundaries, isn't it? Definitely?

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Back in the nineties, before we
wrote the book, we noticed that girls

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were just doing whatever they felt like. And that's, you know, great

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for feminism. You know, getting
the job and the career and the condo

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and whatever else you want. You
could chase stuff, but if you were

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dating, it didn't work with dating
to be aggressive and so available. So

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we noticed that women were getting hurt
or dumped or not married because they were

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either making the first move or suggesting
things we're moving in, or sleeping with

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the guy too soon, or traveling
to him. And we said, no,

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it just does not work in dating
because biologically men and women are different.

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Men love to pursue, and they
get bored when a girl pursues.

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Themmers to the apple, right,
But everybody wants everybody wants a mate that

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they can value, that they have
to work for a little bit, right,

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And so many women don't understand that
they're the prize sperm chases egg,

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not the reverse at the basic biological
level. So tell me some of the

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highlights from the Rules. At the
time in the nineties when feminism was really

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exploding, you guys, you know, got a lot of criticism because some

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people said, well, wait a
sect, didn't we evolve past this.

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Let's go over some of the basic
rules from the book. The Rules,

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Well, the first one is to
not make the first move, so don't

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call, and today it's don't text, don't frond him on Facebook, don't

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message him first on any dating app, because that's the biggest mistake you can

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make, because you'll start a relationship
that wasn't meant to be, because you

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may not be his looker's type,
and you'll be chasing him, will be

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suggest seeing things throughout the relationship,
and you won't feel secure or desired,

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and it will just be a disaster
exactly. Don't make that first move no

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matter what. Although one of the
things I said in my book is you

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shouldn't reach out to a guy,
but it's okay to issue the invitation to

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him. And that's that subtle art
of female flirting, the hair flip,

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the look at him and then glance
away, just to let him know that

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there's an invitation waiting if he wants
to make the first move. But you

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don't do it right, right,
okay. And what's another rule. We

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don't pay. We don't travel to
the guy. Like you're on the West

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coast, there might be interesting restaurants
near him. Women think, oh,

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I'll go to his eric because I'm
going to get interesting rest We're not interested

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interest in west shots. We're interested
in courtship. So they traveled to you,

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even if you live like in a
boring town. I I love this

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It's amazing what women will do.
They'll meet guys on a dating app because

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they think love is about luck instead
of strategy, and they will jump on

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planes and trains and automobiles thinking that
the shiny penny lives in another zip code,

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so they will head up there,
and it is just the wrong thing

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to do. Again, you're making
it so easy for him that he's going

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to lose interest. So I love
that rule. We don't pay, we

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don't travel to you. And and
of course you don't have to say it

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like that. You don't have to
say it firmly, right. You can

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be sweet and say, oh no, why don't you come visit me,

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you know, and just leave it
okay? Those those are good ones.

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And what's the third rule? We
don't initiate exclusivity talk. A lot of

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women, you know, especially after
they sleep with the guy, will say,

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now that we've buck together, what
are we They will, you know,

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talk about the status of the relationship
that posted on Facebook. We don't

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do any of that. They have
to suggest exclusivity. They have to say

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stop dating. I'm going to stop
dating other people. I want you to

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stop. Because if it's not his
idea, it's not going to walk.

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So here's something that we might differ
a little bit in our idea on that.

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I do think that this is how
women get into a lot of situation

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ships where they're seeing a guy regularly, they're sleeping with him regularly, and

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he's seeing other people and he doesn't
need to have exclusivity because you haven't asked

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for it. I actually suggest to
women that you ask for exclusivity before you

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even have sex. And what I
mean by this is you don't have sex

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too early. And I know you
agree with me on that you build trust

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first, and when it comes around
you say something like listen, you know,

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for health reasons, we don't have
to post on Facebook who we are.

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We don't have to tell our friends
or family. But if you're having

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sex with me, I'd like to
know I'm the only person you're having sex

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with while we're getting to know each
other. And that has worked for many

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women to lay it out because this
situation. I mean, what do you

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say to a woman who's stuck in
a situation ship if you're not sure that

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he wants to be exclusive and don't
sleep with him. We're saying that it

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has to be his idea because what
men are doing is sleeping with you and

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then saying yeah, yeah, we're
exclusive. That they don't really mean it,

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right, You can't coerce the man
into being exclusive. They should bring

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it up. If he doesn't bring
it up within a couple of months,

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then that he doesn't feel that way. We're just move on. And that's

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another really important piece. There are
so many women that will hang on to

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a piece of a guy because they're
so afraid of abandonment or that he'll leave

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them if they exert a boundary or
what have you. But you talk about

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clearly letting him go. They're more
fish in the sea right right, And

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we have barometers. I mean,
if he's skipping weeks, then he's seeing

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someone else. If he's asking you
to split the check, he doesn't really

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like you. It's not about the
money. He just doesn't think of you

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in that romantic way. If he
skips your birthday, Balshein's Day, holidays,

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he's gone into you. So there
are checklists and signs way before right,

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you see, before you know,
you realize that it's not appens with

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him. Rather than trying to to
be observed and on dates, instead of

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telling people, instead of telling a
man I like to be courted, or

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I want you to do this,
or I want you to open the door.

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We don't tell men what to do. We just observe their behavior and

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then we can make a decisions.
We watch them and make the decision.

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And the hardest part for women is
making that decision because they think, well,

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I just need to be cuter or
hotter, and then he'll change or

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then he'll see that I'm the nice, fun girl. That's no problem.

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No, this never works. He
has to think you're the hottest thing in

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the world and he has to pursue
you because you can't change him, and

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you have to be willing to walk
away. That is the most important thing.

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When we come back, one of
the authors of The Rules, Sherry

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Schneider, is going to talk to
us about a new book just out this

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week, The Rules Handbooks. Stay
with us, Sherry. You're listening to

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doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from my
guest is author Sherry Schneider, the famous

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co author of the book The Rules. She has built an empire out of

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teaching young women how to negotiate commitment
and how to deal in the world of

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love, including coaching workshops, that
help people establish their own self esteem,

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have boundaries, and understand their own
life philosophies. And now this week she

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is giving us the Rules Handbook.
Sherry Schneider, take it away. What's

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the Rules Handbook? Well, many
of the women that are dating outs were

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like babies when the first book came
out when seven years ago, so they

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don't even know that you're not supposed
to reach out to a guy first,

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or pay or travel or go on
vacation with him for a week, you

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know, other than your honeymoon.
They don't even know. So this is

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like mind boggling new information for them. And then for other women who do

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know the rules, they forgot it, they skipped you know, they did

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it for a while and then they
stop. They need a refresher. But

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it's also to address some of the
issues like people say, oh, is

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in this games? You know,
I'm not busy and I'm turning him down

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for tonight. For the reason you're
turning him down for tonight even though you

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have nothing else going on, is
because if he asks you last minute and

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you say yes, you're setting a
precedent for last minute dates and for him

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not to value you what a man
values you, they ask you out in

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advance. I mean it sounds in
playing. It sounds old fashioned to say

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you gotta play hard to get,
but you do. You do because men

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want what they can have or what
they think is, you know, unavailable.

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You know, they want the popular
girl. They want the girl who

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isn't just sitting around waiting for them
and available in a moment's notice. What's

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going on today is crazy. Guys
are like texting girls at ten pm what's

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up? Can I come over?
Or can you come over? And they

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go. They just feel like it's
an offer and they're going to take it.

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So there's low self esteem, there's
lack of boundaries, a lack of

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confidence. And we have horses and
we do consultations with women to help them

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figure out where they're going wrong or
how did you meet? Did you speak

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to him first? A lot of
women have vagueness around dating. You know,

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00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:15.160
they'll count calories, they'll count their
steps, but they have no idea

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who spoke to you first? How
long the calls are. The calls should

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00:29:18.200 --> 00:29:21.839
be ten minutes. Calls are just
to get a date. They're not so

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00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:26.160
like stay on the phone for seven
hours. Oh yes, I've known people

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that have done that. They meet
on an app and they have a three

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00:29:27.440 --> 00:29:32.319
hour phone call. I'm like,
what are you doing night where they sleep

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00:29:32.440 --> 00:29:36.880
with the phone. They go to
sleep separately on the phone together and wake

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up on the phone. It's yeah, insanity. So the Rules Handbook address

407
00:29:41.240 --> 00:29:44.960
is this whole issue. This is
not a game. This is self preservation

408
00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:48.279
and it's life and death because you
know, your love life is the most

409
00:29:48.359 --> 00:29:52.400
important thing in your life, you
know, other than work and family and

410
00:29:52.559 --> 00:29:56.680
friends you want you know, well, we work. We work so we

411
00:29:56.720 --> 00:30:00.000
can get a mate, so we
can improve our status and have more money

412
00:30:00.279 --> 00:30:03.400
so we could get a higher status
mate. Work is just an ancillary thing

413
00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:08.079
to human mating strategy to create families. If we are put on this planet

414
00:30:08.079 --> 00:30:14.440
to reproduce, and our job is
to find the most fittest mate. And

415
00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:18.519
when I say fittest, not necessarily
just physically fit, but economically fit,

416
00:30:18.920 --> 00:30:23.599
intellectually fit, so that we can
produce healthy families. And what's happened is

417
00:30:23.640 --> 00:30:29.640
since the onset of the birth control
pill, women have and own their own

418
00:30:29.720 --> 00:30:33.200
orgasm. They have their sexual freedom, but they forget that biology hasn't changed.

419
00:30:33.519 --> 00:30:37.640
They have a fertility window that men
just don't have And you tell women

420
00:30:37.680 --> 00:30:42.160
about this in the rules handbook,
don't you Yes, but you have no

421
00:30:42.279 --> 00:30:45.680
time to waste. So if you're
a relationship for a year and he's not

422
00:30:45.759 --> 00:30:49.720
talking about the future marriage ring,
then you have to say, after nine

423
00:30:49.720 --> 00:30:52.440
months or so, I've enjoyed these
nine months, but I was a woman

424
00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:56.240
where this is going. And if
he says he doesn't know, that means

425
00:30:56.279 --> 00:30:59.839
no. Right. What women do
is they stay with a guy who doesn't

426
00:30:59.880 --> 00:31:02.880
know for five years. If you
guys know right away, they know in

427
00:31:02.920 --> 00:31:04.880
the first day, the first week, they know you're either their look,

428
00:31:04.920 --> 00:31:07.599
they're type, they're you know,
they like your personality, or they don't

429
00:31:08.240 --> 00:31:11.599
you know. If the guy doesn't
know after nine months, you just say

430
00:31:11.839 --> 00:31:14.200
nice, you know, nice knowing
you, I'm going to move on and

431
00:31:14.240 --> 00:31:15.720
if you know, and if you
want to propose, just call me when

432
00:31:15.720 --> 00:31:18.359
you're ready to propose. But I'm
not going to date you while you're figuring

433
00:31:18.440 --> 00:31:22.440
out. That's such good advice.
It is about being your higher self.

434
00:31:22.480 --> 00:31:27.119
Your higher self is not desperate,
it's not clingy, is not taking crumbs.

435
00:31:27.200 --> 00:31:30.920
You know. Your lower self just
wants, you know, what's good

436
00:31:30.960 --> 00:31:36.119
for now. So they're talking long
term, you know, happiness. I

437
00:31:36.240 --> 00:31:38.480
had a TikTok video that I made
that went viral where I basically said,

438
00:31:38.519 --> 00:31:42.039
guys, put your comments below if
you agree with this. On every first

439
00:31:42.160 --> 00:31:48.440
date, what's going on in the
mind of the man is am I meeting

440
00:31:48.440 --> 00:31:52.519
my wife tonight? Or am I
going to get to have sex? And

441
00:31:52.640 --> 00:31:55.359
that's how they think. And the
man are were like, I like six

442
00:31:55.480 --> 00:31:57.960
hundred thousand men going yep, pretty
much, that's it. They literally when

443
00:31:57.960 --> 00:32:00.920
they go on a first date,
they're putting women into one of two categories

444
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:06.799
from the get go. And what
do you say, I get this a

445
00:32:06.839 --> 00:32:08.359
lot. What do you say to
people when they say, well, oh

446
00:32:08.359 --> 00:32:15.880
it's different today. Times have changed, right, Well, it's just new

447
00:32:15.119 --> 00:32:19.960
technology. But like you said,
biology has not changed many women men with

448
00:32:20.119 --> 00:32:24.759
the huns, women like security.
You know, men like you know to

449
00:32:25.839 --> 00:32:29.920
bungee jump and fast cart women.
I don't know any women about wife.

450
00:32:30.079 --> 00:32:32.079
I know guys that talking about sports
for seven hours. I know women that

451
00:32:32.119 --> 00:32:35.960
can talk about a relationship. They
can talk about one date for seven hours.

452
00:32:36.279 --> 00:32:40.200
So we are different, and we
tell women what's changed in social media

453
00:32:40.319 --> 00:32:44.759
so there are more ways to break
rules. You can text him, message

454
00:32:44.799 --> 00:32:47.519
him, you know, follow him
on Instagram, all kinds of you know,

455
00:32:49.039 --> 00:32:52.599
oversharing, and we say, don't
be an open book, don't reach

456
00:32:52.640 --> 00:32:54.960
out first. You know, if
you haven't heard from a guy, don't

457
00:32:55.039 --> 00:32:59.200
say, you know, how are
you? What's going on? I thought

458
00:32:59.200 --> 00:33:04.839
we had a connection. Don't prolong
the misery. If the guys skipping weeks,

459
00:33:04.880 --> 00:33:07.160
don't ask them what's going on,
it means no. Right. Not

460
00:33:07.319 --> 00:33:10.799
hearing from him means now. I
once heard a woman say I have not

461
00:33:10.960 --> 00:33:14.279
heard from him in two weeks.
I'm going to call him and break up

462
00:33:14.279 --> 00:33:17.200
with him. I'm like, you've
already broke You've been broken up with him.

463
00:33:17.319 --> 00:33:22.799
It's already broken up with you exactly. You know, I teach,

464
00:33:22.599 --> 00:33:28.359
I think you're very brave and wonderful
to be telling the truth because I teach

465
00:33:28.400 --> 00:33:32.799
developmental psychology, and I have one
little section on sex brain differences, literally

466
00:33:32.839 --> 00:33:38.039
the biological differences between males and females. I also want to remind everybody out

467
00:33:38.079 --> 00:33:44.000
there with all the gender on a
scale and gender diversity, that one percent,

468
00:33:44.119 --> 00:33:47.160
that's one out of one hundred people
are intersects, and also that gender

469
00:33:47.279 --> 00:33:51.000
is a bit of a scale.
In other words, not every male is

470
00:33:51.039 --> 00:33:54.960
a super masculine alpha male. It's
okay to be a feminine man, it's

471
00:33:54.960 --> 00:33:59.480
okay to be a masculine woman.
However, when it comes to human mating,

472
00:33:59.720 --> 00:34:04.839
there certain kinds of mechanisms that go
into play. And Sherry, you

473
00:34:05.359 --> 00:34:08.960
ladies of the Rules figured it out
a long time ago and let the world

474
00:34:09.039 --> 00:34:14.960
know. Where can they get a
copy of the Rules Handbook. It's on

475
00:34:15.119 --> 00:34:20.000
Amazon today and it also addressed much
just dating and marriage, but rules for

476
00:34:20.039 --> 00:34:23.039
everyone. So, like you said, you made in a same sex relationship,

477
00:34:23.199 --> 00:34:27.440
or you may be hurt by your
friend or sister or your book,

478
00:34:28.280 --> 00:34:32.320
you're a dull child. You need
to pull back in whatever situation you're in.

479
00:34:32.400 --> 00:34:36.400
If you're the most sensitive one,
the one that gets more easily hurt,

480
00:34:36.480 --> 00:34:38.519
you're the one that needs to do
the rules. That's great, a

481
00:34:38.559 --> 00:34:43.960
wonderful book about boundaries for everybody.
Thank you so much for being with us,

482
00:34:43.960 --> 00:34:49.719
Sherry, it's a pleasure to find
Take care and you can pick up

483
00:34:49.719 --> 00:34:52.599
a copy of the Rules Handbook anywhere. This brings the Doctor Wendy Walls Show

484
00:34:52.679 --> 00:34:57.239
to a close. It's always my
pleasure to be with you every Sunday night

485
00:34:57.280 --> 00:35:00.679
from seven to nine pm. You're
welcome to follow me on social media at

486
00:35:00.719 --> 00:35:04.159
doctor Wendy Walsh. You've been listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on k

487
00:35:04.320 --> 00:35:10.000
f I Am six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've

488
00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:13.840
been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live on k

489
00:35:14.039 --> 00:35:17.000
f I AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on

490
00:35:17.119 --> 00:35:20.119
demand on the iHeartRadio app