WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:05.679 If you're listening to the podcast on Apple Podcast, please remember to rate and 2 00:00:05.839 --> 00:00:11.400 leave a comment below. Also, don't forget to follow us on Instagram at 3 00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:16.359 Let's Talk to Things Now. Grab your tea, coffee, or a glass 4 00:00:16.399 --> 00:00:23.039 of wine and let's talk to things. Hello everyone, and welcome back to 5 00:00:23.079 --> 00:00:28.640 another episode of Let's Talk the Tinks. It's been a long time since it's 6 00:00:28.719 --> 00:00:33.759 just been me talking to you, and you guys have said that you're longing 7 00:00:33.840 --> 00:00:38.799 to hear me just talk without having a guest, So today is your lucky 8 00:00:39.079 --> 00:00:44.320 day. I'm apologizing in advance because I'm a little bit stuffy, so, 9 00:00:45.320 --> 00:00:50.280 as you probably heard on the last episode, kept clearing my throat, very 10 00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:53.960 stuffy. I don't know what's going on, but we are going to get 11 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:59.280 through it. So as you can tell by the title today, we are 12 00:00:59.320 --> 00:01:06.400 talking about something that I think is so important but not as regarded in our 13 00:01:06.519 --> 00:01:12.879 community, and that is the subject of emotional intelligence. And the reason that 14 00:01:12.920 --> 00:01:19.280 I gave this episode the title that I did is because I find that a 15 00:01:19.319 --> 00:01:25.200 lot of times when we speak of generational wealth, we often talk about monetary 16 00:01:25.280 --> 00:01:30.760 things, you know, things that have monetary value, things that you can 17 00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:34.319 leave to your children, or your grandchildren that they can use to then set 18 00:01:34.359 --> 00:01:38.079 them up in life. And those are usually things associated with money, but 19 00:01:38.359 --> 00:01:46.239 oftentimes we don't talk about emotional intelligence and how much value that has overall. 20 00:01:46.760 --> 00:01:49.280 But honestly, now that I think about it, how much value that even 21 00:01:49.400 --> 00:01:57.680 has in your children or grandchildren's ability to sustain what you may have left them 22 00:01:57.680 --> 00:02:01.959 that is of monetary value, right, Because emotional intelligence has to do with 23 00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:06.400 just how you think of yourself. You know, how you present yourself, 24 00:02:06.400 --> 00:02:09.680 how you show up in the world, and that can really have a lot 25 00:02:09.719 --> 00:02:15.280 to do with decisions that you make. Right, So first I want to 26 00:02:15.319 --> 00:02:20.840 define emotional intelligence for those of you that are not as familiar. So emotional 27 00:02:20.879 --> 00:02:25.680 intelligence is the ability to understand and manage one's own emotions as well as the 28 00:02:25.719 --> 00:02:32.759 emotions of others. This skill set includes things like self awareness, empathy, 29 00:02:32.800 --> 00:02:42.120 and effective communication. And emotional intelligence matters because studies have shown that people with 30 00:02:42.360 --> 00:02:50.000 high emotional intelligence tend to have better mental health, stronger relationships, and more 31 00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:55.280 successful careers. So this is what I was explaining earlier in that you know, 32 00:02:55.599 --> 00:02:59.840 a lot of times people hear the word emotional in something and things like 33 00:03:00.479 --> 00:03:04.560 think, oh, you know, that means that you share your feelings and 34 00:03:04.960 --> 00:03:07.800 you cry a lot, and you're like permanently the Michael Jordan's sad face. 35 00:03:07.919 --> 00:03:12.719 And no, that is not what it means, you know. Like I 36 00:03:12.840 --> 00:03:17.840 just said, studies have shown that it even contributes to more successful careers because, 37 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:23.639 if you think about it, being emotionally intelligent can also help individuals navigate 38 00:03:23.719 --> 00:03:29.840 difficult situations and make better decisions, right, because life is not easy. 39 00:03:30.080 --> 00:03:32.240 Life. Life is gonna life, right. We said that a couple of 40 00:03:32.280 --> 00:03:37.599 episodes back, and you never know what life is going to throw at you, 41 00:03:37.719 --> 00:03:42.400 and that can both be scary and overwhelming, but it can also be 42 00:03:42.439 --> 00:03:46.120 exciting. Right. So, the more emotionally intelligent you are, the more 43 00:03:46.199 --> 00:03:51.639 sound you are. The idea is that the better decisions you'll be able to 44 00:03:51.680 --> 00:03:59.159 make. So emotional intelligence for me, and as I always like to remind 45 00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:02.319 you guys, I'm not a psychologist. All of these opinions are just my 46 00:04:02.439 --> 00:04:09.080 own. But for me, I think it starts with parenting, right. 47 00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:13.400 I think it starts at an embryonic stage, starts in the things that you 48 00:04:13.520 --> 00:04:17.480 learn as a child. And I've heard so many times from psychologists that often 49 00:04:17.720 --> 00:04:21.240 who we are as adults has a lot to do with our childhood, whether 50 00:04:21.279 --> 00:04:27.120 that's positive, negative, anything in between. That's where a lot of our 51 00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:30.079 issues come from. That's where a lot of our values come from. A 52 00:04:30.079 --> 00:04:34.079 lot of who we are as adults today has a lot to do with things 53 00:04:34.120 --> 00:04:41.000 that we've experienced in our childhood into adolescents, into who we are know as 54 00:04:41.120 --> 00:04:45.800 adults. And so, as I said, you know, parents I think 55 00:04:45.879 --> 00:04:53.639 play a crucial role in shaping their children's emotional intelligence by modeling healthy emotional behaviors 56 00:04:53.639 --> 00:05:00.079 and providing a supportive and empathetic environment. And parents can help their child d 57 00:05:00.319 --> 00:05:06.160 develop strong emotional intelligence skills just in their everyday and how they communicate. So, 58 00:05:06.879 --> 00:05:14.839 my advice or my suggestion to parents out there, especially new parents or 59 00:05:14.920 --> 00:05:18.639 parents with toddlers where they're at that age where they're learning a lot and picking 60 00:05:18.759 --> 00:05:24.920 up a lot, right is, whether you're married or not, the relationship 61 00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:30.839 you have with each other plays an integral role in your child's development, and 62 00:05:30.120 --> 00:05:35.040 what they learn from your marriage will have a significant impact on the rest of 63 00:05:35.079 --> 00:05:40.600 their lives. You know, that's what they see. That's their first example, 64 00:05:40.680 --> 00:05:46.519 that's their first example of a relationship, their first example of intergendered relationships. 65 00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:49.360 Right, if you are from a household where you know one parent is 66 00:05:49.399 --> 00:05:53.759 a man, one parent is a woman, they're now household with two men 67 00:05:53.879 --> 00:05:58.480 or two women. But traditionally in the past, that's been a majority of 68 00:05:58.519 --> 00:06:04.160 the case. Right, And so despite gender anything in between, how you 69 00:06:04.199 --> 00:06:09.439 treat each other, how you interact with each other, that is their first 70 00:06:09.560 --> 00:06:14.519 lesson. Before someone sits down in a classroom and tells them right from wrong, 71 00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:19.759 that is their first example. So what they learn from you, you 72 00:06:19.800 --> 00:06:26.120 know, is very important. And what they learn from your marriage will have 73 00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:30.120 your marriage or your relationship. What they learn from your marriage or your relationship 74 00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:36.279 will have a significant impact on the rest of their lives and things that I 75 00:06:36.319 --> 00:06:42.079 think just as adults. Again I'm not a parent, but I just think 76 00:06:42.120 --> 00:06:48.720 as adults you probably don't think of is your interaction with your partner? You 77 00:06:48.759 --> 00:06:53.720 know? Are you being respectful towards one another? Are you if you are 78 00:06:53.720 --> 00:06:57.600 in a relationship, if you are married, you know, are you affectionate? 79 00:06:58.759 --> 00:07:01.759 Are you considerate? Do you have fun with each other? Is it 80 00:07:01.839 --> 00:07:05.680 just transactional or do you actually like each other? Right? Because you can 81 00:07:05.759 --> 00:07:10.279 say you love somebody, but do you like each other, you know, 82 00:07:10.319 --> 00:07:14.680 do you support each other? And you know, there's a saying as the 83 00:07:14.720 --> 00:07:18.120 twig is bent, so the tree is inclined. And you know, that's 84 00:07:18.160 --> 00:07:23.279 so true because children, at the end of the day live what they learn. 85 00:07:23.720 --> 00:07:26.560 You know. Wow, I'm really starting to sound like my mom. 86 00:07:27.920 --> 00:07:31.800 But no, it's true, like children live what they learn and that is 87 00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:38.279 there. That is how they develop their behaviors. And again, obviously there 88 00:07:38.360 --> 00:07:44.439 are many instances where children grow up in the most loving environments and they end 89 00:07:44.519 --> 00:07:48.560 up being adults that you know, maybe commit crimes or you know, do 90 00:07:48.680 --> 00:07:53.120 things to harm people. Right, So I'm not saying this is all on 91 00:07:53.160 --> 00:07:56.879 the parents, and we'll get to some other influences in a minute, but 92 00:07:57.040 --> 00:08:01.399 I'm just saying that is usually the foundation. Oviously, every child is born 93 00:08:01.759 --> 00:08:07.279 in my opinion, as who they are, but usually that foundation kind of 94 00:08:07.319 --> 00:08:11.120 teaches them how to move in the world. And here's the thing. A 95 00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:16.800 lot of people will say things like, oh, you know, Tommy had 96 00:08:16.560 --> 00:08:20.879 two great parents and they lived in this great neighborhood and they just were the 97 00:08:20.959 --> 00:08:26.319 ideal family and they went to church, and you can't fathom how that could 98 00:08:26.319 --> 00:08:30.879 be possible because they seemingly have everything that a child would need to be healthy, 99 00:08:31.480 --> 00:08:35.879 but there are different things that you can't see that maybe have good intention 100 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:41.799 that can lead to that. So, for example, you know, telling 101 00:08:41.799 --> 00:08:46.039 a child like, oh, you know, that's not your fault, or 102 00:08:46.080 --> 00:08:50.240 that shouldn't have happened to you, or such and such shouldn't have treated you 103 00:08:50.279 --> 00:08:54.399 that way without knowing the full story, right, because sometimes that's true, 104 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:58.600 But sometimes you know your child behaved in a certain manner that warranted that response, 105 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:03.360 and by you not holding them accountable, they grow into adults that could 106 00:09:03.399 --> 00:09:11.080 start to develop narcissistic tendencies, or they grow into adults that could think everyone 107 00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:15.879 is always wrong and they're always right because they were constantly told nothing was their 108 00:09:15.919 --> 00:09:18.960 fault, you know, So you have to be careful about things that might 109 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:24.320 be well intentioned but could affect them in the long run. In addition to 110 00:09:24.399 --> 00:09:30.080 parents, family and friends play an important role as well, because listen, 111 00:09:30.200 --> 00:09:35.080 let's face it, when I was growing up in everybody's life that I know, 112 00:09:35.759 --> 00:09:41.200 your parents aren't with you twenty four to seven, right, There's only 113 00:09:41.240 --> 00:09:46.919 at a certain point of your life where your parents really have that much influence. 114 00:09:46.919 --> 00:09:50.759 So that's why it's so important to ingrede in certain standards, and you 115 00:09:50.799 --> 00:09:54.759 know, show certain examples at an early age. Because as your children get 116 00:09:54.799 --> 00:10:00.559 older and they're now exposed to other children in school, they're in different environments. 117 00:10:00.679 --> 00:10:05.759 Maybe they're doing sports or some activities that maybe even take them out of 118 00:10:05.799 --> 00:10:11.320 their neighborhoods into other neighborhoods around other people that they otherwise wouldn't be in contact 119 00:10:11.320 --> 00:10:15.720 with. You know, we have social media now, so that gives them 120 00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:20.279 access to people all over the world that they otherwise wouldn't be in contact with. 121 00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:26.200 Right. So because of that, they can receive influence as to who 122 00:10:26.200 --> 00:10:31.200 they are and their emotional development from outside sources, meaning outside of your immediate 123 00:10:31.240 --> 00:10:37.120 family, outside of the parents. And so it's really important for family and 124 00:10:37.240 --> 00:10:41.559 friends, you know, to hold that person or hold each other accountable, 125 00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:48.000 right, and it can be difficult to hold friends and family accountable for misbehavior, 126 00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:54.159 especially if a pattern of behavior has been going on for a long time. 127 00:10:54.720 --> 00:11:01.320 And so what I mean is, let's say you have a friend and 128 00:11:01.080 --> 00:11:07.440 you notice every time that best friend gets a new job, it always ends 129 00:11:07.519 --> 00:11:11.840 with a crazy story. There's always something that someone did to them or said 130 00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:16.240 to them, and they don't know why and they always end up getting fired. 131 00:11:16.399 --> 00:11:18.679 Right, the first couple of times, you're going to be like, 132 00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:20.840 oh my gosh, you know, like like why would those people do that 133 00:11:20.879 --> 00:11:26.879 to you? And it's not fair and rate ta. But after like the 134 00:11:26.960 --> 00:11:31.360 third or fourth time, it's probably time to say. The responsible thing to 135 00:11:31.360 --> 00:11:35.840 do, I would say would be to say to that friend, you know, 136 00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:39.840 what do you think is causing these issues? You know? And this 137 00:11:39.919 --> 00:11:43.200 isn't however way you would say it, but you know, you could even 138 00:11:43.240 --> 00:11:48.679 say, I noticed, like you seem to have the same issues at every 139 00:11:48.720 --> 00:11:54.399 place, so maybe you need to manage your expectations of what this work environment 140 00:11:54.519 --> 00:11:58.679 is going to give you, or manage your expectations of this friend you know 141 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:05.440 that you constantly are are back and forth with or one day you like the 142 00:12:05.480 --> 00:12:07.679 friend, next day you don't like the friend or this guy you're dating that 143 00:12:07.720 --> 00:12:13.320 you always have issues with. So it's important to you know, just ask 144 00:12:13.360 --> 00:12:16.559 those questions and hold your friends accountable. And I'm not saying to to you 145 00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:22.519 know, drape up your friends in a malicious manner, but a drape doesn't 146 00:12:22.559 --> 00:12:26.679 have to be malicious, right, Holding your friend or family member are accountable 147 00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:31.360 doesn't have to be malicious. But what it does is it lessens their chances 148 00:12:31.399 --> 00:12:37.879 of just having this type of you know, nothing's my fault or woe is 149 00:12:37.919 --> 00:12:43.080 me personality. And so if you notice a pattern of behavior, if you 150 00:12:43.159 --> 00:12:48.799 notice their relationships always end the same way, if you notice, you know, 151 00:12:48.960 --> 00:12:52.799 the way that they talk to people is very temperamental and off the handle. 152 00:12:52.840 --> 00:12:56.840 But yet they complain and don't know why they're alone or don't have any 153 00:12:56.879 --> 00:13:01.840 friends or aren't close to people. That's a good opportunity to say to them 154 00:13:01.879 --> 00:13:05.120 in a loving way, you know, there's some things that you need to 155 00:13:05.159 --> 00:13:09.840 work on to hold them accountable, right, instead of just saying, oh, 156 00:13:09.919 --> 00:13:13.360 that person is jealous, or oh that girl is crazy, or that 157 00:13:13.559 --> 00:13:18.360 you know that job just is trying to hold you down or something like that. 158 00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:20.799 And like I said, sometimes that might be the case, right, 159 00:13:20.840 --> 00:13:26.679 we're not negating that. But I think a lot of times, you know, 160 00:13:26.960 --> 00:13:31.720 you're in a friendship or this is your cousin or brother or sister or 161 00:13:31.759 --> 00:13:35.000 whoever, and it's someone that you love and you care for and you want 162 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:37.600 to support them, right and you're ready to go to bat for them, 163 00:13:39.279 --> 00:13:43.840 and that's amazing, but it doesn't help when you don't hold them accountable. 164 00:13:43.919 --> 00:13:54.519 It only stunts their you know, emotional growth. And another factor is empathy. 165 00:13:54.720 --> 00:14:01.720 Empathy is a key component of emotional intelligence, and it's important to practice 166 00:14:01.759 --> 00:14:07.120 empathy, both for ourselves and for others. And the thing is, when 167 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:11.840 we're able to understand and acknowledge our own emotions, we're better equipped to manage 168 00:14:11.879 --> 00:14:16.720 them in a healthy way. And similarly, when we're able to be empathetic 169 00:14:16.759 --> 00:14:22.080 and we can understand others' perspectives, then we're more likely to be able to 170 00:14:22.120 --> 00:14:26.320 resolve conflicts in a more positive way, which is what I said earlier. 171 00:14:26.440 --> 00:14:31.799 Right. So let's say, because I talked about earlier, generational wealth, 172 00:14:31.960 --> 00:14:37.559 right, and that being associated with obviously monetary value. So let's say your 173 00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:45.120 grandparents leave you one hundred thousand dollars, right, And they say that they're 174 00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:48.480 leaving you this money, but they don't want you to sell their home because 175 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:54.120 you know, they bought their home years ago and it means something to them, 176 00:14:54.159 --> 00:15:01.320 and it basically just has this like sentimental meaning. And you are approached 177 00:15:01.440 --> 00:15:05.080 by a realtor or a developer that wants to knock the home down and we'll 178 00:15:05.080 --> 00:15:11.840 give you a million dollars, right, If you lack empathy, there's a 179 00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:16.000 pretty high chance that you're going to say, oh, well, my grandparents 180 00:15:16.039 --> 00:15:18.879 are no longer here, and this means I'm going to have a million dollars 181 00:15:20.320 --> 00:15:24.200 plus one hundred thousand dollars, like, yeah, I'm selling this house. 182 00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:26.519 Right, They'll be okay, they had their time. You know. You 183 00:15:26.600 --> 00:15:33.399 don't have that. You don't have that in you that says, man, 184 00:15:33.440 --> 00:15:37.919 you know, I feel how hard they worked for this house. You know, 185 00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:43.200 I can resonate with the fact that even though it wasn't me, like, 186 00:15:43.279 --> 00:15:46.879 even though it wasn't my experience, and I don't know what that's like. 187 00:15:46.840 --> 00:15:50.519 I can only imagine what that was like for them to have to save 188 00:15:50.679 --> 00:15:54.519 all their money just to get this house, you know, and how much 189 00:15:54.559 --> 00:15:58.000 it means to them. I can't sell this house. Right. If you 190 00:15:58.039 --> 00:16:03.440 don't have empathy, things like that will will happen in your life, and 191 00:16:03.480 --> 00:16:10.399 you'll likely make decisions that you'll later regret. Right. If you don't have 192 00:16:10.480 --> 00:16:15.159 empathy, when you get in conflicts at work or with friends or with family 193 00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:18.960 members, you're likely to fly off the handle and maybe make things worse. 194 00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:25.600 You know, but having empathy can allow you to resolve conflict in a positive 195 00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:29.679 way. Now here's the thing. Too much of anything is not good, 196 00:16:30.240 --> 00:16:36.399 right, And so too much empathy can be problematic because for a lot of 197 00:16:36.440 --> 00:16:40.960 people, you know, you feel everything around you. Someone's going through something, 198 00:16:40.960 --> 00:16:44.480 You're feeling it, like you're in it, like it's happening to you, 199 00:16:44.679 --> 00:16:47.919 right, And that can be overwhelming, you know, And so you 200 00:16:48.039 --> 00:16:52.440 have to be very careful when you're practicing empathy. You have to be very 201 00:16:53.120 --> 00:17:00.639 I hate to use the word strategic, but just very conscious of the environments 202 00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:03.279 you're in and how much empathy you're giving and to whom you're giving empathy to, 203 00:17:03.559 --> 00:17:07.680 right, And if you know it's something where you can't help it, 204 00:17:07.680 --> 00:17:11.480 it's just who you are, then you really have to be careful of certain 205 00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:15.839 environments you're in and certain people that you let in your life. But it 206 00:17:15.880 --> 00:17:23.279 does play an integral role in establishing emotional intelligence or building I should say strong 207 00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:27.920 emotional intelligence. And speaking of that, you know, I think you build 208 00:17:27.960 --> 00:17:33.880 emotional intelligence throughout your life. So you might be really strong with your emotional 209 00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:40.440 intelligence in your college years and then you know, someone passes away you were 210 00:17:40.440 --> 00:17:45.319 close to in your family, or you lose everything you have or something happens 211 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:49.880 to you that maybe weighs that down. Right. So, emotional intelligence is 212 00:17:49.920 --> 00:17:56.480 really a skill set and it's developed over time, just like any skill. 213 00:17:56.759 --> 00:18:02.799 Right. That's why doctors, you know, lawyers, teachers even have to 214 00:18:02.880 --> 00:18:11.039 go to training year after year to continue to develop their skill. Okay, 215 00:18:12.000 --> 00:18:18.200 now for your favorite part of the show that no sounds. See if this 216 00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:26.559 BuzzFeed article is titled people are sharing parenting mistakes that mess up kids for life, 217 00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:33.559 and it's a masterclass in how not to parent. Yikes, letting your 218 00:18:33.640 --> 00:18:40.039 kids annoy people without repercussions, example, kicking the back of an airline seat. 219 00:18:40.319 --> 00:18:45.799 No, so that can't work. That cannot work, And that is 220 00:18:45.839 --> 00:18:48.319 so true. You're letting your child get away with that. That just teaches 221 00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:53.839 them that they can kind of do whatever they want, letting things slide by 222 00:18:53.880 --> 00:18:59.759 saying it's just a child. That's true. Oh, this is a good 223 00:18:59.759 --> 00:19:06.640 one. Staying in a loveless marriage that's going to drape some people. But 224 00:19:07.039 --> 00:19:11.119 staying in a loveless marriage. My parents are in one, and it messed 225 00:19:11.119 --> 00:19:18.039 me up really good. Someone said, staying together for the benefit of the 226 00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:25.480 kids is bs. I think that is so true, and that's that's a 227 00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:30.480 topic for another time. But those days are over. This is not our 228 00:19:30.839 --> 00:19:37.920 parents, grandparents, great grandparents time. Women. Men are choosing themselves are 229 00:19:38.000 --> 00:19:41.920 choosing to be happy. I tell people this all the time. Look at 230 00:19:41.960 --> 00:19:48.599 Bruce Jenner. Bruce Jenner was in his late sixties when he said, enough 231 00:19:48.720 --> 00:19:53.279 is enough. I'm not happy presenting myself in this way, and I want 232 00:19:53.319 --> 00:19:57.000 to change. I don't want to die being this person that I don't resonate 233 00:19:57.039 --> 00:20:03.240 with. So for anyone listening out there that might be in a loveless marriage, 234 00:20:03.240 --> 00:20:07.640 relationship, whatever and don't want to leave, use that as an example. 235 00:20:08.759 --> 00:20:12.200 Right, this man was on this earth, or is on this earth, 236 00:20:12.240 --> 00:20:17.839 excuse me. And he was in his late sixties. I want to 237 00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:22.759 say he was sixty eight when he came out, and he chose himself. 238 00:20:23.359 --> 00:20:26.640 He did not want to die living a lie. He could have easily said, 239 00:20:27.039 --> 00:20:30.920 oh, I'm sixty eight. At this point, I've already lived most 240 00:20:30.920 --> 00:20:33.319 of my life. What's the point. But there's a point. Your happiness 241 00:20:33.400 --> 00:20:40.000 matters. It's like people just want you to accept scraps. People just want 242 00:20:40.039 --> 00:20:42.880 you to accept certain behavior so you can present a certain ideal, right, 243 00:20:44.359 --> 00:20:49.079 because it's idolized if you've been married a certain length of time, you know 244 00:20:49.119 --> 00:20:53.680 what I mean? But what does any of that mean? If you're unhappy? 245 00:20:53.799 --> 00:20:57.039 What does that mean? If you can take a picture for Instagram or 246 00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:03.799 you know, post Christmas pajama photos, if once the camera finishes flashing, 247 00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:08.799 you're You're angry, You're upset, you're sad. You know you don't want 248 00:21:08.839 --> 00:21:14.319 to be in this environment. What type of life is that? You know? 249 00:21:14.559 --> 00:21:18.880 Just to be able to say to miss Beverly and Bernadette that you've been 250 00:21:18.920 --> 00:21:22.079 in a relationship or you've been married for you know, twenty years, for 251 00:21:22.200 --> 00:21:32.440 ten years, for fifteen years, like why sir? Sorry? At egress. 252 00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:37.680 The next one says, thinking you know more about your kids. No, 253 00:21:38.039 --> 00:21:44.400 thinking you know more about the kid's mental state than they do. For 254 00:21:44.440 --> 00:21:48.599 example, I know you're not depressed. I would know. I've seen this 255 00:21:48.720 --> 00:21:53.240 situation play out far too often. Listen to your kid. You do not 256 00:21:53.440 --> 00:22:00.640 know them better than they know themselves. No one does. Wow. Someone 257 00:22:00.759 --> 00:22:03.799 said I was in the fifth grade and told my mom I thought I was 258 00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:08.559 depressed. Sure enough, turns out I've had depression since I was in the 259 00:22:08.680 --> 00:22:18.480 second or third grade. Yes, especially in our culture, as Caribbean people. 260 00:22:18.480 --> 00:22:22.799 That is one thing that I do think we're improving on. And there 261 00:22:22.799 --> 00:22:26.960 are parents, you know, just elders in our family are starting to be 262 00:22:26.079 --> 00:22:33.240 more open with hearing about things like depression or you know, mental health or 263 00:22:33.400 --> 00:22:36.839 going to therapy and things like that. So I do think that there is 264 00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:40.319 a change. But I think this is such a great example of yes, 265 00:22:40.559 --> 00:22:44.160 listen to your children. You know, like our culture has this thing where 266 00:22:45.240 --> 00:22:48.480 stay in your place as a child. You're just a child, and yes 267 00:22:48.519 --> 00:22:51.839 you're supposed to have manners. And you know, you and your parent or 268 00:22:51.920 --> 00:22:55.720 aunt or uncle or any elder in your family. You guys are not the 269 00:22:55.759 --> 00:22:59.559 same size. You know, you guys are not equals in that way to 270 00:22:59.640 --> 00:23:03.480 where you should be disrespectful. But where you are equals is just the fact 271 00:23:03.559 --> 00:23:07.200 of being a human being, right, the fact of having feelings, the 272 00:23:07.279 --> 00:23:14.000 fact of you know, knowing what it is that you're feeling. And I 273 00:23:14.039 --> 00:23:17.480 can just imagine, like this person said, you know, you feel like 274 00:23:17.519 --> 00:23:21.960 you're depressed, and instead of someone saying, okay, well, let's let's 275 00:23:22.000 --> 00:23:25.200 try to figure this out, you know, let's let's try to do some 276 00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:27.759 research. Let me take you to a professional. You are saying based off 277 00:23:27.799 --> 00:23:33.440 of your limited experience that you know that this other human being, child or 278 00:23:33.559 --> 00:23:37.359 not is not feeling a certain way based off of your limited experience. That 279 00:23:37.400 --> 00:23:45.839 can't work. That na Son safe and seal. Someone else said, forcing 280 00:23:45.880 --> 00:23:51.480 your kid into a religion or judging them if they don't feel strongly about your 281 00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:57.440 religion, that's that's kind of tricky. I never really thought about that one, 282 00:23:57.519 --> 00:24:03.920 but I know there are some people that I've heard in recent times that 283 00:24:03.160 --> 00:24:07.279 say, you know, they won't force their children to choose a religion, 284 00:24:10.519 --> 00:24:14.200 that they'll let them decide, however, and an ass I think about that, 285 00:24:14.319 --> 00:24:17.920 I think, unless I think about it, I think those were cases 286 00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:22.440 where the parent, each parent had a different religion. So I don't know, 287 00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:26.920 that's interesting. Let me know what you guys think, Like, is 288 00:24:26.960 --> 00:24:30.960 that something that you think should be forced on your child, you know? 289 00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:36.480 Or do you think that they should be able to choose, you know, 290 00:24:36.519 --> 00:24:41.440 because I mean, there are children, so that's interesting. The idea that 291 00:24:41.599 --> 00:24:45.640 my parents or somebody said, I'm sorry, my parents did it to me 292 00:24:45.839 --> 00:24:52.319 and I turned out fine. Somebody said, did you did you really turn 293 00:24:52.359 --> 00:24:56.720 out to be fine? And someone else said, and it's fine? What 294 00:24:56.759 --> 00:24:59.960 you really want for your kids? Don't you want better than that for them? 295 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.319 And I think that's true because you turned out fine is kind of relative, 296 00:25:06.039 --> 00:25:10.640 Like what does that mean? Like you turned out well enough to get 297 00:25:10.720 --> 00:25:15.839 by and not to commit crimes and to be an upstanding citizen, but you 298 00:25:15.880 --> 00:25:21.720 still have like emotional issues and you can't connect with people or fine as in 299 00:25:22.680 --> 00:25:27.680 you know, you feel like you're well developed, Like like, what does 300 00:25:27.720 --> 00:25:30.839 fine mean? That's really People like to say that, like I turned out 301 00:25:30.839 --> 00:25:33.759 fine, but I guess I don't know. I guess that's a relative. 302 00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:41.680 Let's see a couple more. Oh, this is a good one. Wanting 303 00:25:41.720 --> 00:25:48.039 to be their friend and not their parents. Kids want you as their leader. 304 00:25:48.640 --> 00:25:52.920 I used to tell parents who said they were their kid's best friend that 305 00:25:52.960 --> 00:25:56.200 they want a leader, and if you, as a parent, will not 306 00:25:56.319 --> 00:26:02.200 be their leader, then they'll find a leader. And I can guarantee that 307 00:26:02.240 --> 00:26:07.680 the parent will not like how their child's leader leads by then you have lost. 308 00:26:08.640 --> 00:26:14.880 It doesn't mean to be dictatorial, Did I say that? Right? 309 00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:21.440 Dictatorial? But parents need to lead by giving good examples, teaching right from 310 00:26:21.480 --> 00:26:29.640 wrong, good life lessons, etc. See I said this earlier. It 311 00:26:29.720 --> 00:26:33.559 is very important that you give that baseline, yes, because if you don't 312 00:26:33.599 --> 00:26:37.640 give that baseline, they'll find it in other ways, right, And that's 313 00:26:37.680 --> 00:26:44.319 how you know, children become victims of all types of you know, violent 314 00:26:44.519 --> 00:26:48.279 gangs and you know, get caught up in trafficking and things like that is 315 00:26:48.319 --> 00:26:53.079 because a lot of situation, in a lot of situations, they are looking 316 00:26:53.119 --> 00:26:57.359 for someone to lead them, to guide them, to love them, you 317 00:26:57.400 --> 00:27:00.640 know, and to listen to them. Really like, at the end of 318 00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:06.480 the day, just like all of us as adults, you know, children 319 00:27:06.559 --> 00:27:10.440 want to be seen and heard. And if you recall the example I read 320 00:27:10.519 --> 00:27:14.200 previously, you know that's a child that wasn't heard, you know. So 321 00:27:14.279 --> 00:27:19.240 what if that child went to Givon that always waits outside of her school and 322 00:27:19.400 --> 00:27:22.839 was like, you know, Givan, I really feel like I'm depressed, 323 00:27:23.160 --> 00:27:26.680 and he listened to her and he was like, yeah, you know, 324 00:27:26.680 --> 00:27:30.279 I know a guy where you can go and get help and ray rate. 325 00:27:30.359 --> 00:27:33.680 And then that turns into something bad, you know, that turns into her 326 00:27:33.720 --> 00:27:38.039 disappearance or something because this person actually listened to her. So again, I 327 00:27:38.039 --> 00:27:45.680 think these are all really good reminders and relative to emotional intelligence to listen to 328 00:27:45.720 --> 00:27:51.920 your child you know, acknowledge their emotions and just find out more, because 329 00:27:51.960 --> 00:27:55.799 if they're not talking to you, they're talking to their friends, or they're 330 00:27:55.839 --> 00:28:00.880 talking to a stranger who obviously, nine times out of ten doesn't have their 331 00:28:00.920 --> 00:28:04.519 best interests as in mind as much as you do. As their parents ooh, 332 00:28:06.480 --> 00:28:12.839 shaming their child in front of people, also not teaching their child manners. 333 00:28:12.880 --> 00:28:21.480 Simple please and thank you can go a long way. Now, this 334 00:28:21.559 --> 00:28:27.680 should have been number one because I said it in a previous episode. I 335 00:28:27.720 --> 00:28:36.640 can't remember which episode it was now, but manners is something I am big 336 00:28:36.720 --> 00:28:41.200 on. You know, yes, please, no, thank you? May 337 00:28:41.240 --> 00:28:45.200 I please? Like it just goes a long way. You don't have to 338 00:28:45.319 --> 00:28:51.640 curtsy or talk like you're you know, in the monarchy, but just simple 339 00:28:52.119 --> 00:29:00.279 manners. Oh my gosh, I remember quick story time. I remember I 340 00:29:00.359 --> 00:29:07.599 dated someone that literally would get upset and say, I don't understand why i 341 00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:11.960 have to say please and thank you all the time when I'm around your family, 342 00:29:11.079 --> 00:29:15.799 Like I really I don't understand. And I remember I would tell my 343 00:29:15.880 --> 00:29:21.400 friends and they would think, like, who doesn't want to say please and 344 00:29:21.519 --> 00:29:25.799 thank you? Like that should just be something you want to say for yourself 345 00:29:26.039 --> 00:29:33.160 manners is a huge deal in regard to shaming in front of people, Caribbean 346 00:29:33.240 --> 00:29:41.119 people, Caribbean mothers, Caribbean aunties. We have to stop that. We 347 00:29:41.240 --> 00:29:47.359 have to stop that. The greeting of you know, you get fatty, 348 00:29:47.440 --> 00:29:52.839 it's not okay, it's not okay, right, saying that your child gets 349 00:29:52.200 --> 00:29:57.279 bad grades or they didn't pass this test and using it as a conversation piece, 350 00:29:57.880 --> 00:30:03.240 not okay, not okay, saying that you know they could have done 351 00:30:03.279 --> 00:30:07.119 better. Just anything to put down your child or shame your child in front 352 00:30:07.160 --> 00:30:11.160 of others. I don't care who it is. It could be their aunt, 353 00:30:11.240 --> 00:30:15.079 it could be the neighbor, it could be something that you might think 354 00:30:15.160 --> 00:30:18.920 is jest. Do not do it. It is not a good look. 355 00:30:18.720 --> 00:30:23.680 Well none of those sounded safe at all. So we all have to make 356 00:30:23.720 --> 00:30:32.240 away and we all have to do better. I haven't done a solo episode. 357 00:30:33.079 --> 00:30:37.000 Oh my gosh, I think since is it episode two? I think 358 00:30:37.039 --> 00:30:42.480 it's in solo travel. Whoa, It's been a long time. But let 359 00:30:42.480 --> 00:30:47.640 me know what you guys think, let me know how often you want these. 360 00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:52.119 And I just want to say again I said it last week. Thank 361 00:30:52.160 --> 00:30:57.599 you so much to those of you that listen every week. I just found 362 00:30:57.640 --> 00:31:04.759 out we were number one in Guyana on the self improvement and education charts for 363 00:31:04.799 --> 00:31:11.160 Apple Podcast, which is just so amazing. I'm so grateful. As I 364 00:31:11.200 --> 00:31:15.240 said before, I believe when this comes out, or maybe a couple of 365 00:31:15.319 --> 00:31:22.160 days after, will be exactly five months since I've been doing this, and 366 00:31:22.240 --> 00:31:27.039 so that's just such a short amount of time. And I'm just so appreciative 367 00:31:27.839 --> 00:31:33.599 of you listening, of your feedback, of the conversations that we've had because 368 00:31:33.599 --> 00:31:41.279 of things that we've spoken about, and just the community that we've created with 369 00:31:41.319 --> 00:31:47.759 this podcast. So again, thank you so much for listening. And I 370 00:31:47.799 --> 00:31:52.799 hope you really enjoyed this episode, and I hope you have a great week. 371 00:31:52.359 --> 00:31:59.039 And to all the mothers out there and grandmothers, Happy Mother's Day when 372 00:31:59.079 --> 00:32:06.119 it comes. You are appreciated. You are the core of who we are 373 00:32:06.640 --> 00:32:10.920 as a women, even as men. You are the bedrock of families and 374 00:32:12.319 --> 00:32:13.880 we so appreciate you.