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Let's Talk to Things Now. Grab your tea, coffee, or a glass
of wine and let's talk to things. Hello everyone, and welcome back to
another episode of Let's Talk the Tinks. It's been a long time since it's
just been me talking to you, and you guys have said that you're longing
to hear me just talk without having a guest, So today is your lucky
day. I'm apologizing in advance because I'm a little bit stuffy, so,
as you probably heard on the last episode, kept clearing my throat, very
stuffy. I don't know what's going on, but we are going to get
through it. So as you can tell by the title today, we are
talking about something that I think is so important but not as regarded in our
community, and that is the subject of emotional intelligence. And the reason that
I gave this episode the title that I did is because I find that a
lot of times when we speak of generational wealth, we often talk about monetary
things, you know, things that have monetary value, things that you can
leave to your children, or your grandchildren that they can use to then set
them up in life. And those are usually things associated with money, but
oftentimes we don't talk about emotional intelligence and how much value that has overall.
But honestly, now that I think about it, how much value that even
has in your children or grandchildren's ability to sustain what you may have left them
that is of monetary value, right, Because emotional intelligence has to do with
just how you think of yourself. You know, how you present yourself,
how you show up in the world, and that can really have a lot
to do with decisions that you make. Right, So first I want to
define emotional intelligence for those of you that are not as familiar. So emotional
intelligence is the ability to understand and manage one's own emotions as well as the
emotions of others. This skill set includes things like self awareness, empathy,
and effective communication. And emotional intelligence matters because studies have shown that people with
high emotional intelligence tend to have better mental health, stronger relationships, and more
successful careers. So this is what I was explaining earlier in that you know,
a lot of times people hear the word emotional in something and things like
think, oh, you know, that means that you share your feelings and
you cry a lot, and you're like permanently the Michael Jordan's sad face.
And no, that is not what it means, you know. Like I
just said, studies have shown that it even contributes to more successful careers because,
if you think about it, being emotionally intelligent can also help individuals navigate
difficult situations and make better decisions, right, because life is not easy.
Life. Life is gonna life, right. We said that a couple of
episodes back, and you never know what life is going to throw at you,
and that can both be scary and overwhelming, but it can also be
exciting. Right. So, the more emotionally intelligent you are, the more
sound you are. The idea is that the better decisions you'll be able to
make. So emotional intelligence for me, and as I always like to remind
you guys, I'm not a psychologist. All of these opinions are just my
own. But for me, I think it starts with parenting, right.
I think it starts at an embryonic stage, starts in the things that you
learn as a child. And I've heard so many times from psychologists that often
who we are as adults has a lot to do with our childhood, whether
that's positive, negative, anything in between. That's where a lot of our
issues come from. That's where a lot of our values come from. A
lot of who we are as adults today has a lot to do with things
that we've experienced in our childhood into adolescents, into who we are know as
adults. And so, as I said, you know, parents I think
play a crucial role in shaping their children's emotional intelligence by modeling healthy emotional behaviors
and providing a supportive and empathetic environment. And parents can help their child d
develop strong emotional intelligence skills just in their everyday and how they communicate. So,
my advice or my suggestion to parents out there, especially new parents or
parents with toddlers where they're at that age where they're learning a lot and picking
up a lot, right is, whether you're married or not, the relationship
you have with each other plays an integral role in your child's development, and
what they learn from your marriage will have a significant impact on the rest of
their lives. You know, that's what they see. That's their first example,
that's their first example of a relationship, their first example of intergendered relationships.
Right, if you are from a household where you know one parent is
a man, one parent is a woman, they're now household with two men
or two women. But traditionally in the past, that's been a majority of
the case. Right, And so despite gender anything in between, how you
treat each other, how you interact with each other, that is their first
lesson. Before someone sits down in a classroom and tells them right from wrong,
that is their first example. So what they learn from you, you
know, is very important. And what they learn from your marriage will have
your marriage or your relationship. What they learn from your marriage or your relationship
will have a significant impact on the rest of their lives and things that I
think just as adults. Again I'm not a parent, but I just think
as adults you probably don't think of is your interaction with your partner? You
know? Are you being respectful towards one another? Are you if you are
in a relationship, if you are married, you know, are you affectionate?
Are you considerate? Do you have fun with each other? Is it
just transactional or do you actually like each other? Right? Because you can
say you love somebody, but do you like each other, you know,
do you support each other? And you know, there's a saying as the
twig is bent, so the tree is inclined. And you know, that's
so true because children, at the end of the day live what they learn.
You know. Wow, I'm really starting to sound like my mom.
But no, it's true, like children live what they learn and that is
there. That is how they develop their behaviors. And again, obviously there
are many instances where children grow up in the most loving environments and they end
up being adults that you know, maybe commit crimes or you know, do
things to harm people. Right, So I'm not saying this is all on
the parents, and we'll get to some other influences in a minute, but
I'm just saying that is usually the foundation. Oviously, every child is born
in my opinion, as who they are, but usually that foundation kind of
teaches them how to move in the world. And here's the thing. A
lot of people will say things like, oh, you know, Tommy had
two great parents and they lived in this great neighborhood and they just were the
ideal family and they went to church, and you can't fathom how that could
be possible because they seemingly have everything that a child would need to be healthy,
but there are different things that you can't see that maybe have good intention
that can lead to that. So, for example, you know, telling
a child like, oh, you know, that's not your fault, or
that shouldn't have happened to you, or such and such shouldn't have treated you
that way without knowing the full story, right, because sometimes that's true,
But sometimes you know your child behaved in a certain manner that warranted that response,
and by you not holding them accountable, they grow into adults that could
start to develop narcissistic tendencies, or they grow into adults that could think everyone
is always wrong and they're always right because they were constantly told nothing was their
fault, you know, So you have to be careful about things that might
be well intentioned but could affect them in the long run. In addition to
parents, family and friends play an important role as well, because listen,
let's face it, when I was growing up in everybody's life that I know,
your parents aren't with you twenty four to seven, right, There's only
at a certain point of your life where your parents really have that much influence.
So that's why it's so important to ingrede in certain standards, and you
know, show certain examples at an early age. Because as your children get
older and they're now exposed to other children in school, they're in different environments.
Maybe they're doing sports or some activities that maybe even take them out of
their neighborhoods into other neighborhoods around other people that they otherwise wouldn't be in contact
with. You know, we have social media now, so that gives them
access to people all over the world that they otherwise wouldn't be in contact with.
Right. So because of that, they can receive influence as to who
they are and their emotional development from outside sources, meaning outside of your immediate
family, outside of the parents. And so it's really important for family and
friends, you know, to hold that person or hold each other accountable,
right, and it can be difficult to hold friends and family accountable for misbehavior,
especially if a pattern of behavior has been going on for a long time.
And so what I mean is, let's say you have a friend and
you notice every time that best friend gets a new job, it always ends
with a crazy story. There's always something that someone did to them or said
to them, and they don't know why and they always end up getting fired.
Right, the first couple of times, you're going to be like,
oh my gosh, you know, like like why would those people do that
to you? And it's not fair and rate ta. But after like the
third or fourth time, it's probably time to say. The responsible thing to
do, I would say would be to say to that friend, you know,
what do you think is causing these issues? You know? And this
isn't however way you would say it, but you know, you could even
say, I noticed, like you seem to have the same issues at every
place, so maybe you need to manage your expectations of what this work environment
is going to give you, or manage your expectations of this friend you know
that you constantly are are back and forth with or one day you like the
friend, next day you don't like the friend or this guy you're dating that
you always have issues with. So it's important to you know, just ask
those questions and hold your friends accountable. And I'm not saying to to you
know, drape up your friends in a malicious manner, but a drape doesn't
have to be malicious, right, Holding your friend or family member are accountable
doesn't have to be malicious. But what it does is it lessens their chances
of just having this type of you know, nothing's my fault or woe is
me personality. And so if you notice a pattern of behavior, if you
notice their relationships always end the same way, if you notice, you know,
the way that they talk to people is very temperamental and off the handle.
But yet they complain and don't know why they're alone or don't have any
friends or aren't close to people. That's a good opportunity to say to them
in a loving way, you know, there's some things that you need to
work on to hold them accountable, right, instead of just saying, oh,
that person is jealous, or oh that girl is crazy, or that
you know that job just is trying to hold you down or something like that.
And like I said, sometimes that might be the case, right,
we're not negating that. But I think a lot of times, you know,
you're in a friendship or this is your cousin or brother or sister or
whoever, and it's someone that you love and you care for and you want
to support them, right and you're ready to go to bat for them,
and that's amazing, but it doesn't help when you don't hold them accountable.
It only stunts their you know, emotional growth. And another factor is empathy.
Empathy is a key component of emotional intelligence, and it's important to practice
empathy, both for ourselves and for others. And the thing is, when
we're able to understand and acknowledge our own emotions, we're better equipped to manage
them in a healthy way. And similarly, when we're able to be empathetic
and we can understand others' perspectives, then we're more likely to be able to
resolve conflicts in a more positive way, which is what I said earlier.
Right. So let's say, because I talked about earlier, generational wealth,
right, and that being associated with obviously monetary value. So let's say your
grandparents leave you one hundred thousand dollars, right, And they say that they're
leaving you this money, but they don't want you to sell their home because
you know, they bought their home years ago and it means something to them,
and it basically just has this like sentimental meaning. And you are approached
by a realtor or a developer that wants to knock the home down and we'll
give you a million dollars, right, If you lack empathy, there's a
pretty high chance that you're going to say, oh, well, my grandparents
are no longer here, and this means I'm going to have a million dollars
plus one hundred thousand dollars, like, yeah, I'm selling this house.
Right, They'll be okay, they had their time. You know. You
don't have that. You don't have that in you that says, man,
you know, I feel how hard they worked for this house. You know,
I can resonate with the fact that even though it wasn't me, like,
even though it wasn't my experience, and I don't know what that's like.
I can only imagine what that was like for them to have to save
all their money just to get this house, you know, and how much
it means to them. I can't sell this house. Right. If you
don't have empathy, things like that will will happen in your life, and
you'll likely make decisions that you'll later regret. Right. If you don't have
empathy, when you get in conflicts at work or with friends or with family
members, you're likely to fly off the handle and maybe make things worse.
You know, but having empathy can allow you to resolve conflict in a positive
way. Now here's the thing. Too much of anything is not good,
right, And so too much empathy can be problematic because for a lot of
people, you know, you feel everything around you. Someone's going through something,
You're feeling it, like you're in it, like it's happening to you,
right, And that can be overwhelming, you know, And so you
have to be very careful when you're practicing empathy. You have to be very
I hate to use the word strategic, but just very conscious of the environments
you're in and how much empathy you're giving and to whom you're giving empathy to,
right, And if you know it's something where you can't help it,
it's just who you are, then you really have to be careful of certain
environments you're in and certain people that you let in your life. But it
does play an integral role in establishing emotional intelligence or building I should say strong
emotional intelligence. And speaking of that, you know, I think you build
emotional intelligence throughout your life. So you might be really strong with your emotional
intelligence in your college years and then you know, someone passes away you were
close to in your family, or you lose everything you have or something happens
to you that maybe weighs that down. Right. So, emotional intelligence is
really a skill set and it's developed over time, just like any skill.
Right. That's why doctors, you know, lawyers, teachers even have to
go to training year after year to continue to develop their skill. Okay,
now for your favorite part of the show that no sounds. See if this
BuzzFeed article is titled people are sharing parenting mistakes that mess up kids for life,
and it's a masterclass in how not to parent. Yikes, letting your
kids annoy people without repercussions, example, kicking the back of an airline seat.
No, so that can't work. That cannot work, And that is
so true. You're letting your child get away with that. That just teaches
them that they can kind of do whatever they want, letting things slide by
saying it's just a child. That's true. Oh, this is a good
one. Staying in a loveless marriage that's going to drape some people. But
staying in a loveless marriage. My parents are in one, and it messed
me up really good. Someone said, staying together for the benefit of the
kids is bs. I think that is so true, and that's that's a
topic for another time. But those days are over. This is not our
parents, grandparents, great grandparents time. Women. Men are choosing themselves are
choosing to be happy. I tell people this all the time. Look at
Bruce Jenner. Bruce Jenner was in his late sixties when he said, enough
is enough. I'm not happy presenting myself in this way, and I want
to change. I don't want to die being this person that I don't resonate
with. So for anyone listening out there that might be in a loveless marriage,
relationship, whatever and don't want to leave, use that as an example.
Right, this man was on this earth, or is on this earth,
excuse me. And he was in his late sixties. I want to
say he was sixty eight when he came out, and he chose himself.
He did not want to die living a lie. He could have easily said,
oh, I'm sixty eight. At this point, I've already lived most
of my life. What's the point. But there's a point. Your happiness
matters. It's like people just want you to accept scraps. People just want
you to accept certain behavior so you can present a certain ideal, right,
because it's idolized if you've been married a certain length of time, you know
what I mean? But what does any of that mean? If you're unhappy?
What does that mean? If you can take a picture for Instagram or
you know, post Christmas pajama photos, if once the camera finishes flashing,
you're You're angry, You're upset, you're sad. You know you don't want
to be in this environment. What type of life is that? You know?
Just to be able to say to miss Beverly and Bernadette that you've been
in a relationship or you've been married for you know, twenty years, for
ten years, for fifteen years, like why sir? Sorry? At egress.
The next one says, thinking you know more about your kids. No,
thinking you know more about the kid's mental state than they do. For
example, I know you're not depressed. I would know. I've seen this
situation play out far too often. Listen to your kid. You do not
know them better than they know themselves. No one does. Wow. Someone
said I was in the fifth grade and told my mom I thought I was
depressed. Sure enough, turns out I've had depression since I was in the
second or third grade. Yes, especially in our culture, as Caribbean people.
That is one thing that I do think we're improving on. And there
are parents, you know, just elders in our family are starting to be
more open with hearing about things like depression or you know, mental health or
going to therapy and things like that. So I do think that there is
a change. But I think this is such a great example of yes,
listen to your children. You know, like our culture has this thing where
stay in your place as a child. You're just a child, and yes
you're supposed to have manners. And you know, you and your parent or
aunt or uncle or any elder in your family. You guys are not the
same size. You know, you guys are not equals in that way to
where you should be disrespectful. But where you are equals is just the fact
of being a human being, right, the fact of having feelings, the
fact of you know, knowing what it is that you're feeling. And I
can just imagine, like this person said, you know, you feel like
you're depressed, and instead of someone saying, okay, well, let's let's
try to figure this out, you know, let's let's try to do some
research. Let me take you to a professional. You are saying based off
of your limited experience that you know that this other human being, child or
not is not feeling a certain way based off of your limited experience. That
can't work. That na Son safe and seal. Someone else said, forcing
your kid into a religion or judging them if they don't feel strongly about your
religion, that's that's kind of tricky. I never really thought about that one,
but I know there are some people that I've heard in recent times that
say, you know, they won't force their children to choose a religion,
that they'll let them decide, however, and an ass I think about that,
I think, unless I think about it, I think those were cases
where the parent, each parent had a different religion. So I don't know,
that's interesting. Let me know what you guys think, Like, is
that something that you think should be forced on your child, you know?
Or do you think that they should be able to choose, you know,
because I mean, there are children, so that's interesting. The idea that
my parents or somebody said, I'm sorry, my parents did it to me
and I turned out fine. Somebody said, did you did you really turn
out to be fine? And someone else said, and it's fine? What
you really want for your kids? Don't you want better than that for them?
And I think that's true because you turned out fine is kind of relative,
Like what does that mean? Like you turned out well enough to get
by and not to commit crimes and to be an upstanding citizen, but you
still have like emotional issues and you can't connect with people or fine as in
you know, you feel like you're well developed, Like like, what does
fine mean? That's really People like to say that, like I turned out
fine, but I guess I don't know. I guess that's a relative.
Let's see a couple more. Oh, this is a good one. Wanting
to be their friend and not their parents. Kids want you as their leader.
I used to tell parents who said they were their kid's best friend that
they want a leader, and if you, as a parent, will not
be their leader, then they'll find a leader. And I can guarantee that
the parent will not like how their child's leader leads by then you have lost.
It doesn't mean to be dictatorial, Did I say that? Right?
Dictatorial? But parents need to lead by giving good examples, teaching right from
wrong, good life lessons, etc. See I said this earlier. It
is very important that you give that baseline, yes, because if you don't
give that baseline, they'll find it in other ways, right, And that's
how you know, children become victims of all types of you know, violent
gangs and you know, get caught up in trafficking and things like that is
because a lot of situation, in a lot of situations, they are looking
for someone to lead them, to guide them, to love them, you
know, and to listen to them. Really like, at the end of
the day, just like all of us as adults, you know, children
want to be seen and heard. And if you recall the example I read
previously, you know that's a child that wasn't heard, you know. So
what if that child went to Givon that always waits outside of her school and
was like, you know, Givan, I really feel like I'm depressed,
and he listened to her and he was like, yeah, you know,
I know a guy where you can go and get help and ray rate.
And then that turns into something bad, you know, that turns into her
disappearance or something because this person actually listened to her. So again, I
think these are all really good reminders and relative to emotional intelligence to listen to
your child you know, acknowledge their emotions and just find out more, because
if they're not talking to you, they're talking to their friends, or they're
talking to a stranger who obviously, nine times out of ten doesn't have their
best interests as in mind as much as you do. As their parents ooh,
shaming their child in front of people, also not teaching their child manners.
Simple please and thank you can go a long way. Now, this
should have been number one because I said it in a previous episode. I
can't remember which episode it was now, but manners is something I am big
on. You know, yes, please, no, thank you? May
I please? Like it just goes a long way. You don't have to
curtsy or talk like you're you know, in the monarchy, but just simple
manners. Oh my gosh, I remember quick story time. I remember I
dated someone that literally would get upset and say, I don't understand why i
have to say please and thank you all the time when I'm around your family,
Like I really I don't understand. And I remember I would tell my
friends and they would think, like, who doesn't want to say please and
thank you? Like that should just be something you want to say for yourself
manners is a huge deal in regard to shaming in front of people, Caribbean
people, Caribbean mothers, Caribbean aunties. We have to stop that. We
have to stop that. The greeting of you know, you get fatty,
it's not okay, it's not okay, right, saying that your child gets
bad grades or they didn't pass this test and using it as a conversation piece,
not okay, not okay, saying that you know they could have done
better. Just anything to put down your child or shame your child in front
of others. I don't care who it is. It could be their aunt,
it could be the neighbor, it could be something that you might think
is jest. Do not do it. It is not a good look.
Well none of those sounded safe at all. So we all have to make
away and we all have to do better. I haven't done a solo episode.
Oh my gosh, I think since is it episode two? I think
it's in solo travel. Whoa, It's been a long time. But let
me know what you guys think, let me know how often you want these.
And I just want to say again I said it last week. Thank
you so much to those of you that listen every week. I just found
out we were number one in Guyana on the self improvement and education charts for
Apple Podcast, which is just so amazing. I'm so grateful. As I
said before, I believe when this comes out, or maybe a couple of
days after, will be exactly five months since I've been doing this, and
so that's just such a short amount of time. And I'm just so appreciative
of you listening, of your feedback, of the conversations that we've had because
of things that we've spoken about, and just the community that we've created with
this podcast. So again, thank you so much for listening. And I
hope you really enjoyed this episode, and I hope you have a great week.
And to all the mothers out there and grandmothers, Happy Mother's Day when
it comes. You are appreciated. You are the core of who we are
as a women, even as men. You are the bedrock of families and
we so appreciate you.