Hey there, ay Evian's Junior Adventures and friends, Welcome back to the Dicey
Bastards. This is our zero point five episode. We haven't officially even hit
game one yet, but that does not mean we're not gonna have fun.
My name is M. K. Gibson. Give you to all your friends,
author of such books as the Shadow Master series, as Villain's Rule,
Techno Master Series, to Beat the Devil, and many others with me on
this zero point five episode. Or none other than Steve Weatherill and Robert bell
Bellen bell End Bevin, mister Belland and mister Weatherell please introduce yourselves after Bellan,
Hello, friends, Robert Bevin here author of the Caverns and Creature series
of comedy fantasy novels and short stories. Today I shall be reprising my role
list Jorcer, the Sorcerer, The Sorcerer with the Morcerer. The accolades keep
growing. So god, Hi there, I'm oh, Oh, we've we've
started too early. I called him a bell Ends. Come on, hi
there, I'm Steve Webell and I play stand Dandyliver, stumbling painfully back into
adventure once again. In real life, I write such books as the Brandon
Fimaster's series of mildly erotic adventures. Go check them out. Jesus Christ.
All right, I gotta get that narrator voice gone, and this is the
greetings all. When last we gathered, we met Stan Dandy Liver, the
washed up down on his look over the hill, hack at Best, swashbuckling
folk. You know I'm don't you. Don't interrupt your inner monologue. This
is very important for us, hack ad Best. I really get that part
in swashbuckling folk hero after returning to Tottenshire after two years along the salty Sea
spray or whatever that adventure was, we won't speak of it. Hiden tought
and Shire of the land of his birth, Stan Dandy Liver lives in his
own filth and it's covered in worse. Mostly we could have just that swashbuckling
adventure. I know I could have. But as your internal monologue, your
conscience, Connie, if you will, it's time for you to have a
little little trust in me, because clearly you don't trust yourself. As I
was saying, Stan is now the owner of proprietor of the Castrated ram and
Tavern and Brothel. After basking in what could have been his greatest moments,
more than a little of his own beer barfed breakfast a little bit of horror
based wisdom. Stan eventually met a fire Jenasi named Jovonn Heidelrech. Jovonn was
representative of a named Ladies Lazena who dwells in the island nation of Stroctam far
to the south. Stan was offered a job for fifty thousand gold. He
was to travel to Stroctum's northern port city of Blago Gulch. Once there,
he and his team wore to locate the villa of Ivan von arslak infiltrate the
villa and steal the tooth of Tmat Can stand? Do this? Can stand?
Get a team together in time? Well, that's what we're here to
find out. Stan agreed to these terms and conditions, having no one but
himself, But at the end of his little little personal journey, he realized,
oh shit, I need friends, specifically ones with magic now before we
get to Stan in his filth, back in his bar, I want to
take his somewhere else, friends, somewhere a little bit special, someone near
and dear to everyone's heart. We're going to go to our good friend,
the one and only Georgier or the Sorcerer, the one with the Moorcerer.
Stand, you're on this page, but don't you don't need to worry about
that now you're just there, said the audience at honk. And see,
let's check in with the Trubick, champion of cocksmanship, the magical man in
red. Marriage it seems, at least for George with the Sorcerer. Following
the events of his salty seward adventures. Uh sucks. Marriage sucks for him.
Georgeer met and fell in love or at least lust with a woman affectionately
named Missus the Sorcerer. Love or lust are both strong words. She was
there and alive despite the decimation of the town. Missus the Sorcerer saw the
beauty of magic and what it could do, so she dedicated herself to the
studies of this arcane But like any good person, she cheated and got ahead
by following the waves of the warlock, bending a knee to an infernal patron.
Missus the Sorcerer has siphoned off most of Jorcerer's magic, leaving him a
shell of who he was with his life. Wonder she sapped all your wonder
now trying he tried. Wait wait, wait a minute, I'm not a
DNDT. Yeah, but you trying to tell me that somebody had Hijack Jawcer
as their patron. No, no, no, yeah, well the patron
that Missus, miss the Sorcerer bent a need to says, well, you've
got a magical battery right here, siphon this off to start with, Oh,
I say so he's being cooked. Thanks, yes, with one thousand
percent. With his last gasp, control Georiser kind of sort of maybe meant
to mentioned the land of Tottenshire, where his good friends Standy Delivered resides,
but unfortunately Missus the Sorcerer took control and moved them to the northern gated community
of Wanderlust, a land suburb for just arcane practitioners. And for the last
two years she's ruled the house with an iron fist Joriser, like I said,
a prison in his in his own in his own homes, or rubber
fist. When Missus the Georger fists him, he knows it. There's no
doubt in my mind. This neighborhood as an h O A oh with a
thousand percent. It's called wanderlust. You know that's going to happen, because
now what she did do to you was she implanted a gem, A very
rare, completely original, never heard before. The Gem of mark Fu has
been planted somewhere on your body, below your waist. You figure it out.
With this gem, you cannot leave the property or the house without her
permission unless you have magic's powerful enough to break it. How are you ever
get out? Is this we find? Well? I think I think it's
either like somewhere up the butt or it's kind of like one of those things
they put around the wang to, like, you know, keep people from
having erections. Regardless she has, she has retarded your wonder. We find
Jorceraah alone on a study surrounded by the most filthy, depraved works of literature,
titles such as The Ghost of Hooker Rally, It Came from My butthole,
tossing the salad, Pigsie Dicks, the fuck You buss Generat Harpies and
more, Ah, those classical magical tomes. Jorcer, you are in your
study, the one place of your entire house you can call yours. How
you feeling unwell? And what makes you feel so unwell? I'm trapped in
this house and trapped in this marriage. I stare out the windows, longing
to be free like the birdies. Georgia, give me a perception check.
All right, you're playing with fire here, I understand. Oh it's a
low DC. Don't worry about that. Oh no, I meant like just
asking me to roll anything. Oh that's fair. True, you have such
a low buff for this podcast. Bevin would like you to do something.
WHOA, I saw nothing come through yet if the listeners, if the podcast
suddenly ends, it's because Bevin's computer exploded. So the rhythmic sounds of flesh
on flesh is not hard to miss. Apparently, missus the sorcerers back in
your master bedroom. Am I hearing this? You're hearing this? Missus the
sorcerers back in her bedroom, the one you guys share with her good friend
friendly Will the handy man. The doors are shut, but it is yeah,
well no, she's fucking your handyman. H just and it's uh,
you know, now, this is a big day for you because this is
you, guys, has been in your two years anniversary being in this particular
house, and uh, your wife decided to throw a barbecue for the uh
for the for the community. Everyone, all the knowing wizards uh of the
wizarding quote family have all showed up. They'll be they'll be arriving anytime now.
And the backyard is being set up by your servants. And uh,
but yet there you are in your room, surrounded by filthy literature while your
wife is well doing the duo with the handy man. That's fine, it's
just being kept busy. This is that's what the handy mans were. You
know what. That's fair. When you you said earlier you were looking out
the window and thinking of uh, of longing times. Correct, yes,
just fucking birds, yeah, exactly. Uh, roll me, roll me
a charisma check. Okay, you're asking for it. It either becomes a
snow white Disney song or you masturbeying at some birds. Wait, why can't
Why haven't mutually exclusive? Man? Why can't you like have a fibal perfect?
Why can't you while you rubble out? All right, that was how
the fun? Did you roll the seventeenth Because he's got a plus five he's
a sourcer. Wait no, no, no, yeah, I'm a sorcerer.
I'm sorry that was a saving thrower. I rolled the wrong thing.
It doesn't matter if it's all I needed. I just needed an excuse to
cut to the mixing we go, but so uh there was a you know,
sometimes there are kind gods in this world. Natural twenty evid better with
a natural twenty for total of twenty three. There are some kind gods in
this world, and sometimes there's God. So you just want to see the
world burn. I'm not sure which one is listening. But right at that
moment, at the other end of this little town of Tottenshire, your friend
Standy Deliver gets just a warm feeling. We're gonna cut back over to him
right now. Does he see me locking the window? Well, no,
he's not there right now. I just put on the screen so we could
so he could so I didn't put Steve. It's feeling exactly. That's that's
what the charisma check was for. Like I'm pressing my body against the window.
Now you're putting your wheel out into the world, all right, Webakistan's
bar and a little thought bubble of the jewrser Or appears above Stan's head.
You can't get him out of your mind, and it's like, for some
reason you have a feeling he's close but you're not sure how or why I
feel you Joseva, are you again? It's natural twenty that's got to trigger
some kind of musical events, right Uh in a voice Staniel, Yes,
do something useful for a change. Well, I'm trying to do something useful
and you are not listening to me as always? Uh? I okay,
we've got the feeling that your friend is closer. Felt a jaw sort of
twinge. Yes, I felt the tingle of my dingle if you will somewhere
in the pants, yes, indeed, But you know I don't I I
don't know where he would be in the city. How do we find him
an entire city? Yes, I suppose I can't rely on whimsical nostalgic soaring
of the heart. You could probably ask for directions. I mean, I'd
love to do so. We we we're men, That's that's what we do.
We don't ask. We are that. We sally forth and do the
thing and plow forward. Edit. Why let's fucking do that? Why don't
we? Well we could, you know, we could also, you know,
we have people from the city around us, literally, like old old
Willie Peter's drunk on the thing. The prostitute, Roasty Cheeks and Trudy good
Night. You are your bouncer slash cook? Who are the very city wise
people? So you know you tors and drunks assemble like an action crew,
the prostitutes. What do you need, darling, I'm busy. What do
you want? Good Old Willie Pete, former owner of the Cashi and Ram,
stands up. I'm still drinking. What's up? Now? We're all
a little bit down and out, a little bit close to the gutter.
Now he's a friend of mine and I have an inkling. He's closer than
we'd think. And uh, his level of debauchery must be somewhat legendary in
a town like this. Have you ever heard of jewels or the Sorcerer?
He's a a weirdly charming man, but in a dangerous and disgusting way.
He wrote me to a few roles here. Old Willy Pete's not sure he's
he's heard. He thinks he's heard that name. Trudy good Night's got a
natural twenty ross like I'm a whore, Like, oh, you will be
to locate a ceed man? Has he been here before? Rosy Cheech is
like, I'm sorry, honey from the waist up. I have no idea
who they are. Just you just measure people from the waist down, you
know what I'm saying. Sorry about that. Willie Pete's like, oh,
there's there's he's a sorcerer maybe, and like he starts to babble a little
bit. But Trudy, good night, retired Willy Pete, shut your mouth.
Trudy has something to say. I'm just saying. She says, they
he's a sorcerer type. Then he probably resignes somewhere and wander lust the magical
gated community to the North gated community. You haven't heard of it, of
course, you know you're still covering your vomit from like fifteen minutes. Probably
scrape that. Yeah, yeah, you still smell like beer breakfast and it's
gross. Yes, I let myself go a little bit. But if stand
Daniel live a chom his way into a gated community, then it's well,
it's probably because he's still covered in vomit. A quick question before you go,
who's gonna run the bar? Willy Pate? Time to step up,
Truy, good night, there we go, all right. I also watched
that that fire guy gave you a whole pouch of money. So we're going
to be paid in advance, paid in advance. I don't know how you're
gonna be gone for, but I know I know adventuring time when it comes
to calling. So it's true. I should leave you enough to see to
the expenses on this decrepit pis stained bar. All right, you know,
why not give the place a bit of paint? Well, I'm away,
Okay, real paint as well, not just the blood of hoboes. Rosie's
like, that's not the only thing we can paint these walls with, just
saying I know, Rosie, I know honestly, Like pound for pound is
probably cheaper to buy paint. I mean, I know you're good. That
good. I mean the skeik does symbols for all the time. Mostly,
Okay, I understand what you're saying. I don't want to be coming back
to finding the foundations are entirely propped up with the come of strangers. Okay,
it would be, it totally would be. Yeah, then I would
not check the plaster in the bathrooms, nor the grouts of the tile in
the kitchen. There's a reason I don't pay attention to anything and it's you
or age. You know, it could be your age. You know she's
got she got you. There we are went, yeah, yes, I'm
old. I'm old. That's fine. Doesn't mean I want to live in
a building held up entirely with com all right, okay, all right,
I'll lay down a couple of platinum pieces. Yes, how many? How
many things? Taking along? Remind me, Gibby, he gave you,
He gave you a pushel. He gave you a basket of a thousand golds
worth of platinum. Every platinum, every platinum piece is worth ten gold pieces.
Mm hm oh right, okay, what is the economy like? Okay,
well, in this kind of scene, this, in this kind of
CD place like a gold will get you like like a room and meals for
three days because you live in a like you live in your particular bar is
more runs in the silver category. So platinum is like you're walking into the
projects and dropping down like a grant. So you know, if you gave
him a hundred a hundred goals with that, you could probably come back in
a couple of days to basically a new bar. Okay, well, probably
gonna be longer than a couple of days. So we'll say, Trudy,
let's say a couple hundred investment in the decor maybe scrape off some of that
semen replace it with grout, for example, and we'll say a few hundred
more gold. Because I expect to be gone for at least six months,
and when I return, I shall return a rich and lorded gentleman. If
I may stand, if I may, don't forget you start to recruit that
team, so you might want to use this as a staging base. So
I don't think you're going to leave just yet. With you and Joce are
Oh, things generally have a way of working out. I find I can
normally convince people to do things that are in their best interests. Well then
for you, for example, Willie Pete, I mean you used to earn
this bar, didn't you? You fuck? Hah? Who is it now?
That's right me. We'll see when you're gone, will the Pete will
rise again. Trudy in a face, and she does. She knocks him
hard, doesn't even ask questions, like she's holding a beer stein in one
hand, punches through that into his bearded face, knocking him out cold.
And she looks back at you with a broken mug and dripping beer. Trudy,
you truly are a delight. I'm glad I can rely on you.
Here's five platting him she just handed Oh my god. Okay, well in
the economy terms, like did you ever see that scene in EU road Trip
where he flicked the guy and nickel like, uh, buy my own hotel.
That's what you just did. So congratulations. I trust Trady. She
actually of your of your staff, she is the most trustworthy. All right,
So I assume you want to take off towards the northern end of town,
towards the gated community. Correct, absolutely fantastic. I will stop by
if there's some kind of speed run cleaning up place, like a car wash.
But for people they're actually there is on their way there. Oddly enough,
so when you get to uh the outskirts of town, as you get
closer to wander Lust, uh they actually have mag's out front who prest to
digitize everything and clean you up, because that's what the spell does. It
removes all dirt and crime on a thing. So uh yeah, you have
to be presentable to enter wander Lust. Now. Fortunately for you, you
still have your old uh adventuring gear and flare, so you don't look like
uh, well, you may smell like or at least yeah and d fox
and rat and rat fucking yeah. But you still have your good old clothes.
You you don your old swashbuckling garb dated heavily dated, so so heavily
dated as it is. Zaddy. Uh it's classic muffball bullshits all right,
so you uh you are clean. You are headed to north to the gated
community of Wanderluss Magical Major's Community LLC. It is a thriving metropolis full of
wizards and warlocks, sorcerers and bards, even a few monks, anybody who's
got a few clerics, but they're not as much. They keep them around
just you know, you know, uh, you know, because people people
get sick, oh one thousand percent, and you definitely feel like this might
have been land that was used to belong or the section used to belong to
the to the projects. Man. This is wizard gentrification at its finest.
They came in and pushed out all the poor people and turned this into a
real estate bonanza for themselves. Now give me a history check. Stand not
much in the way of the non pathful chaps here okay, history check good
louey a nine nine. Well, it's it's not it's your own town.
So it's like a DC of seven, but it's not great. There were
some rumblings a while back that the Magical Community was something of a family,
meaning there seems to be powers that operate this magical community that may or may
not be legal. Uh, heavily on the familia if you're if you're following
me, uh, a little bit of the mafio. So kind of vibe
within this magical community. So it's best to be on your p's and q's
while you traverse this area. Now, Uh, you come to the gated
community, and of course there you know, you have the people look you
up and down. You've been cleaned, you're presentable, but they want to
know what you're doing because you don't exactly have wizard robe, nor a hat
or anything that kind of resembles magicaluchament. If you will, what are you
going to say or do to try to get into the community before you even
look for joser, what what's you're in line? Can you hit me up?
What's your best what's your best line? Hi? There, I'm rich,
well sir, how rich are we talking. Oh quite quite rich.
I thought I'd just wander around. I didn't want to hang around with the
poll people. You know how it is? Are you letting your sack of
platinum jangle? Yeah? Where his testicles are? Just got it? Kind
of crush fresh like every so off, every third step into bounces into your
balls a little bit. Yeah. Okay, I know a little bit of
magic, but I also know how to spend money, which is the sweetest
magic of all. Give me a persuasion check with advantage. Okay, persuasion
check twenty one. Well the guards you know, oh my, like,
well they want they get to chunk. They hand you, ay, they
hand you a day pass. Very well, be on your day pass.
Yeah you don't. You don't reside here, you are. You look at
the day pass and it's basically like a potential investor is what it says on
there. So am I able to jump the queues? Oh? By all
means? So right this way, But they're wonderful. They will ask for
your name so they can record it in the ledger. Oh yes, my
name is uh Staniel Belinda Linda Linda. You either give me a persuasion rule
or deception check. Your call. Let's go for deception. Okay five,
mister Dela. How many l's are in the de Linda? Oh, quite
a few. I normally pay somebody to keep track of the ls. You
know how it is too focused on the w's. You know what I mean,
too right, So enjoy yourselves, don't piss anybody off, and good
luck. Oh I she'll definitely do none. Are Is there any particular residents
you're looking for or are you looking for like a particular like any property that
you were trying to invest in or ah? Yes, I am an honored
guest of mister discil. He goes. They look at each other and the
guards kind of like pullot their little edger book. They're fipping through, flipping
through, flipping through. Do you mean missus the Sorcerer, Yes, sir,
do you know their discession check not as good? But fifteen? Okay
deception fifteen? Yeah, that gets you through, you know, Oh,
yes, missus the Sorcerers. The has the abode on the east side of
town. It's a nice house. It could be a little bit better,
you know, it's only like you know, I don't know, six thousand
square feet in the backyard. You know, it's it could be nicer,
but if they definitely need the investment. But I believe they're having a party
today, so I assume you're on the guest list. Oh absolutely, you
should have saved that. Well, he looks at you, He looks at
your jangling pouch, looks in your eyes, looks at jangling pouch, looks
back in your eyes. I will assume that. Oh yes, oh I
see, I see, mister rich Man. I will grease the palm of
this person. How much do you give him? As little as possible,
which is still quite a lot, because I've been paid in planning, right
right, right right? So what do you give them? One plan?
So ten bucks? Uh fifty tend let's go for five five flat? Okay,
thank you very much, mister standy, can't pronounce the so far and
an interesting name. You are neither of those things. But I wish you
and your gold well. Welcome to wanderlust problem. Goodbye magical pranks. All
right, you begin to traverse this, and it is confidently magical. It
is houses. Some of them are floating, some are a little bit higher,
some a little bit lower. Colored lights, every press of digitation and
thalmaturgy, and all these kind of spells going off, little sparklers, a
little here and there. It's kind of like Disneyland for perverts, which is
basically just Disneyland. A little bit of moving around, a little bit understanding,
you start to figure out where exactly the sorcerer abode happens to be.
And it's not in the most expensive part of Wanderlust. It's on the lower
side. It's a nice residence. It's got a decent backyard and a front
yard and some square footage. But you've seen some frickin' mansions and this is
more of a you know, upwardly mobile house. But by comparison, it's
a hovel. But there are a lot of like brooms and carriages and all
types of magical mobile devices parked out front. Now, how would you like
to approach? How do you want to do it? Stand from the front
or from the back. Now, what we've done, we've done brazen,
we've done bribery, we've done shit balls full of money. Let's try a
little bit of roguework. Okay, if we can sneak around the back,
Okay, okay, Jorser, I imagine you at least went to the front
to uh at least get a scope out what it looks like. Correct.
So here's what I'm going to do right now. Yeah, for the sake
of the narrative, I'll say this, Uh, I assume that Stan went
to the front of the house to at least check out the uh, the
the core before decide if you want to knock on the front door or go
to the back. Correct. It's a good thing in the end, when
you're casing out the joint, you did a walk by, correct, Steah
Case, I would like you both get both to give me perception and checks
a twelve. A twelve okay, Georser, can you give me a perception
check? Jeorger gets a sixteen Chorser. For the briefest of moments, your
hope against hope actually feels like it came true. You swear you saw this
has been washed up feather in his old hat, dusty as fuck, big
clean try dust when he orgasms. Uh, swashbuckler, that's very familiar to
you. Uh, kind of look looks like he's doing a little walk by
your front driveway. So from where you just look on the map, that
is roughly where Stan is as he's walking by, and you right in front
of you is a set of windows. What would you like to do.
I would like to open my robes and press my wonder against the window.
Fantastic, Okay, that is okay. So you go up and you press
yourself up against the glass. Just do you thud heavily? Do you scream?
You pound? Or is it just you're just pressing hand or this case,
salami m you're just stretching. I know that sound, sadly, I
know that sound. Beat A fifteen pushing it up there and then pointing to
whatever keeping me from leaving. All right, there is a uh there's a
cock ring A. It's like around the base of the around the base of
the balls and shaft is a is a the gem of Mark fu totally original.
He's not just showing me his cock for old time sector. Well he
might be, but here's the thing. You got to notice him first.
Who rolled me into the perception check? But you gotta beat a fifteen.
Let's go, man. Those are some wonderful trees. And like you notice,
the stopey area is very It is actually lovely. There might be a
bit of Stan's consciousness that just doesn't want to see that, right, I
mean, you do notice the fifteen foot high walls that go around the community
of this particular house. But at no point did you see the uh cherubic
man pressing his ham salami. Look at the chisel welcome. Yeah, that's
the thing, you know, that face is not so Yeah? No,
that shrubbery all right, that's shrubbery, certainly not a chabby cock. I
will say this. You are you going to try to go by? How
are you gonna try to do this? Go around the side, or are
you gonna try to go through the inside stonework? Basically you're trying to go
to the inside or the outside of the stone work. Yeah, let's go
on the the inside. You're gonna try to go inside the property line?
Yes, still in the property line. I noticed there's a little bit of
hubbub about the place. I've heard as a party. Yes, I think
I'm just checking. So why don't you You can just walk on the map
and let me as I can see where you go. Now, let you
know these are walls, these are these are front doors, these are windows.
Okay, as you go by, you have another shot. Now that
you're much closer. As you go by, Uh, give me a perception
check DC ten or you know what, because he's like twelve fantastic Georgia are
still there, tits on glass and wang on glass. Just palms. Look
at the press. Have you ever seen you ever see the sad puppies in
the window? That one we adopted. That is a wow made window.
Oh my god? Alright, so what do you do? Uh? Well,
first I try not to have attack, I imagine, okay, and
then once I like, I guess, I look after the what I assume
is an amorphous blob, maybe some kind of gelatinous cube with a cock light
is ball. I don't think he's cube. Like he's not been working out,
so it's a square windows up against him. Very you know, that's
a very good point. Excellent point. So GEORGEI describe how hairy your navel
is. I always imagine him to be completely smooth. Oh yeah, kind
of buttery, so yeah, a little bit buttery. But eventually I see
the face. Okay, like, hat's a dead giveaway. You can keep
your hat on. Uh Geler, I say, with a mixture of relief
and horror. All right, jorce for due to the enchantments on this glass,
you hear none of him. You just see him mouthing things. But
because of the because the wife knows her duty, all the glass has been
enchanted. No sound is escaping out is also self cleaning oddly enough. Yes,
yes, this is something I definitely would have invested in. So you
see, stand your old friend, but his mouth is moving. You hear
nothing. I'm saying a lot of dramatic and whimsical things right now. You
kind of hit him, all right, My wonder has drawn him to me.
Yes, that's perfect. That's the first part of my plan. Okay,
Now I need a way to communicate secretly. Okay, is the is
the barbecue underw Yes, the guests have arrived. There are there are little
kids swimming in your pool in the back yard. There are horseshoes being played,
There is food being served. Yes, excellent. All right, then
I have a deviled egg that I've been saving for just such an invasion.
All right, I need Am I allowed out of this room? You're allowed
out of the room. You cannot leave the property line. You can go
into the backyard, but you cannot leave the actual property. You can't go
beyond the stone walls. That's fine. The backyard is where I want to
be, where I can look into conspicuous and okay, joy the company of
my wife's friends and guests. Yes, it's definitely your wife's that you have.
No, this is her friends of the community or what see? You
have a deviled egg? What are you doing? You have a deviled egg
in your adventure? Well, I think is the only thing in your adventure.
I want to go to the backyard. Okay, what do you do?
You say anything to say? And do you pantomime anything? Are you
just showing me a deviled egg? I can't hear ship? All right,
I need to signal to him that we're going to the backyard. Okay,
So I will lift up the back of my robe and point to my ass.
Okay, stand interpret of that as you will. It could have been
like, do you want this pretty boy? Yeah? I know Chaucer well
enough to know that his standard method of communication is rather ghubbled. Okay,
and you know he had a very different upgrade upbringing from most people, let's
say, charitably, So what do you want to go? Roll? There?
Uh? Some kind of Chaucer insight, let's see. Uh? Yeah,
I would like an insight roll, while I also want Jorser to give
me a general and too much insight. Yeah, okay, fifteen, you
know that's not bad. You know Georger pretty well. And I was want
George would give me an intelligence role. And eight it doesn't take much to
realize that you're in a Yeah, you're you're in a study that has books,
paper pens, pencils. It doesn't give me were communicated. Oh you
didn't go around the back? Oh I see. I mean you could literally
write it on the on a paper bath. A waste to say that,
my friend, but sure, I'll see you round back. Stan gives the
big thumbs up. So stand. Uh, let's not confuse this anymore.
And we need to confuse right in there. Okay, Stan, which were
you going left or right? Uh hmm? Map left or map right?
Map left? That's why map left, got it? Okay, I know
where to put you on the other map, Georger, which way are you
going? I see you're going straight out on the deck, because an the
way you can go straight out that back on the will signal to George.
I'm going that way, Georgie for as you were walking out of your house.
Uh, missus the sorcerer sas. She's like, oh excellent, it's
about time you came out of your office. I thought you were just wild
the days away again, play with yourself again while we have guests, and
I'm glad you have an egg. You're supposed to take care of the cooking
duty. So would you be so kind as to actually go to the grill
like you're supposed to be a real man. Thank you. I have guests
to attend. I shall work my wonder. I need you to just work,
work on the goddamn grill. So she steps off to the riders like
that. Now stand when you came around, Unfortunately, the stone walls around
the house led you to an interior stone wall. There is now another wall
in front of your face. The wall that you went through doesn't let you
in, so you are still on the outside of the fence line. Directly
ahead of you is another gate with a large demon guarding it and a fifteen
foot wall between you and the backyard party. Jorge ur you've got your marching
orders from your wife. You are supposed to man the grill like a real
man. In her opinion, Stan, you are stuck. Good, you're
currently stuck. Now you've got some you you walked around, I got some
foliage between you and the demon who's standing gate guard on that side of the
uh uh. There appears to be a gate on the other side of the
property line as well, that leads into the backyard. So with a proper
bullshit detector to maybe you happy to get by him, maybe you can have
the fence. I don't know. But so, George, for first,
what is it you want to do? All right? There is a grill,
yeah, break in front of you. Some meat outside. Uh well,
just for the sake of the imagination, say yes, there is.
Like, so there's some raw meat on some of the tables that need to
be uh need to be cooked. You've got a few people standing by.
You've got lou the Druid, who's kind of watching you in that manly way,
watching the hell of the bivice cook and commedy constantly. Maria Blunt.
She's a sorceress from down the street and she is opinionated, and you don't
like her very much at all. But they're both standing by the grill up
on your deck. All right, Well, I don't I don't plan to
be here for long, So all I need to do is go through the
motions and look like I'm doing. I'm supposed to be. So I'm gonna
grab a handful of raw meat and throw it on the grill. Okay,
So I'll drag you over to the grill over here, and then I'll,
you know, I'll be a good host. I'll go over to Loud the
Druid and say, would you care for a devil? Dig? Oh?
What kind of double DEGs? Did you put the mayonnaise in it? Or?
You know, is it the kind that you know that you had,
like, you know what secret sauce? Uh huh. I don't don't take
offence there bounds and all that, but you know you're kind of gross,
dude, you know, no offense? What kind of secret sauce? You're
talking? How secret? Marie? Now Maria walks over, Oh I heard
what kind of secret sauce he used? Let me tell you. Apparently he
spends all his days wiled away in his office, you know, you know,
slapping the salami as it is. You know what I'm saying, missus.
The sorcerer tells us all the time that he is constantly in there looking
at his magazines and his books. Oh, I was gonna ask, we
don't have children? No, no, no, no, Now the thing
is like there are at least five or you know, these five kids swinging
your pool, which is by this point they've been there since for the last
couple of hours down the south, which is at this point mostly urine.
I just assume. But yeah, you have a nice fresh little like like
grotto pools or pond. You know. Uh, it's your neighbors family.
Now. The only person of note will probably be like, there's guys around
here, like you know, Uncle Vincenzo for a balk Tim, Uncle Pauli,
Mad Frank mort Mario three Wands is to your northeast. But the guy
who's most important would be father Brandon. He's over there playing horseshoes at the
moment. He's kind of the big muckety muck of the community. He's the
north end of the horseshoe pit on the right. So he's the guy.
He's probably the most powerful mage in the community. So, hm, I
wonder if he knows think about getting magic gems off my dick. Ah.
You know, if there if there is a guy, then you know he's
not He's not the mag's father for nothing, you know. So yeah,
all right, well the meat's cooking. That's good. I'd like to I'd
like to go talk to Father Horseshoe. Well, while you're while you make
your way over there, let's see what Stan is going to do. Stand,
you are between a demon and a fifteen foot wall. What are you
gonna do? Uh hmm, let's try and brace now, why not see
how to dice treat me? I will appreach the what I assume is the
doorman. Yes, since they somebody call for a meat whisperer. No,
well you did. That's just my catchphrase. I'm meat. It's bad.
Are you on the guest list? Well, I should hope so. I'm
being paid to be here. Meat a celebrity chef. I handle the meat.
That's another catch phrase. Tell me, sir, are you of fe
in the in the in the bistros circle, in the gourmet dining. This
ten foot tall Baylor, denizen of the Lower Hells, who's been summoned here
against his will by a bunch of magical focks, looks you up and down
and says, no, but oh, barbecue. Barbecue is actually my specialty.
You look like a chap who knows his way around at grill. That
was a joke. Oh I see, well it's very funny. Why didn't
you laugh? I was laughing on inside. That's what cool people do.
He's just staring at you like I steam billows out of his nostrils. Well,
I've got about you know, well, a lot of kilos of raw
meat on the way. I've got my special salt, my pouch here.
I'm ready to wow some guts. Are you ready to be wowed? He
pulls out like a little He gets these tiniest pairs of glasses you've ever seen
a demon wear, puts him on its orange I from Brady's nose, and
he starts adjusting his uh uh, he starts to just he's trying to he's
getting kind of old for demon. He's putting that that parchment closer and for
the way closer, for the way. He's trying like hell to read it.
What'd you say your name was? Again? Can I see anything on
this list? Oh? Yeah, Well, I mean here's the thing he's
moving. He's very tall and he's moving it in you know, so it's
like it's you have a shot. Give me a perception check and see if
you can like spot some names. Okay, well my eyes are not that
gray either. Uh six uh, both of you look blurry. So uh
that's uh, you take a gamble with my friend. Uh, yes,
I'm missed. Uh magic Man second here, mister magic man brilliant. Yeah,
you've got it written dawn Man. Magic Ian. That's me? Uh?
Which one? He's looking at it and he's here's the thing. You
can tell he's not bright. You can tell he doesn't want to be here.
He's fulfilling the letter of his contract. There's a lot of magic men
in here. Which one? It says, right down your list? Magic
Ian? That's me magic Ian? And could you point to it for me?
I will I save him as something? He holds it down for you
to see here. Surprising enough, there's no magic ian on this list,
but like, uh, there are some names like you know, the the
Great Mage. Uh, like a single magician on this list? Well you
know, uh there you know right now? Like I said, I did
divide only as magician exactly. Uh. With the spacing problem, so it
says it's held down you can you're getting a feeling he can't read very well
to begin with, and he, you know, more or less, his
presence is supposed to just deter people. It's like if you start a fight.
He's going to mess you up. But okay, well if I can
see anything on the list. Uh, Now here's the thing, now,
Jorger, you're for where you're at. Uh, You've got a line of
site through the gates. You can see stand there talking to the Baylor.
Now the wife's to control these things, but they know who you are.
You have an option to like not go to father Brandon, or you could
walk up to the gate and try to get stand in. What do you
want to do? Let's see, I guess father Brandon can wait? Do
I know all the expected guests and who's not here yet? Uh? You?
I mean you are aware of a lot of Here's the thing. There's
so many to come. Anyone of them could pop by at any time.
Like this is a you know, there's there's easily like you know, like
you know six hundred people that live in this community, but you know you've
got maybe like fourteen to the bigger wigs in the backyard right now, some
of their kids more are coming. It's like one of those all day block
party kind of things. So that's fine. Anybody. I wouldn't choose somebody
that's not here yet and uh say there and I'll shout out their name.
Okay. Oh, Uh, weekly Frank. So you know I've been waiting
for you. Hello weekly Frank, and once is weekly Frank. Yeah,
so I tell you it looks it comes the meat. Uh looks at you,
looks back at your sewer. I thought you said your name was magic
Ian. No, I said I was a magic It's how we pronounced magician
where I'm from. I'm a mate magician. Give me another deception check natural
twenty. Make way for the meat magician. All right, now he opens
the go ahead. He opens the gate for you. The gate is unlocked.
You are on the inside. Now I'm driving with absolute confidence. Now
at one second, I need to do two roles. Want to see I
needed strength check to see how much he slams his gait pretty fucking hard.
Okay, So now I need a perception check of missus the sorcerer, who
definitely knows who you are because she was there when you guys raise her village.
It's been two years, but you haven't changed your clothes. Soothes eleven
not enough. There are too many people like the other clanging in noise,
and there's kids. She does not notice you. Excellent master of stealth and
deception. All right, but you are currently at a table with a ten
foot tall fur bolg and a guy named Uncle Paul. I don't ben,
you want to have to sit down and have a thing. You got something
about some meat sorcerer. What you do over there? Tell me about it?
What's your business there? Mate, Ian or Wiggley, Frank, whatever
your name is. I am bully nice to meet you. I meant and
meat related one day. Oh fantastic. I specialize myself in, you know,
a little bit of evocation magic. I like to make things go boom.
You know, the right guy bears me there, They disappear in a
fascinating magical people are the most fascinating people there are. We are talking,
That's the thing about them. They talk so anyway. So when I was
working on this one lightning spell, my god stood in this speech values from
my dick and just blew up this true believable. It was the best.
Can I just stop you there, because I really need to get this meat
on the grill if I'm to perform my mate magic later for the piece of
ras are stants? Okay? Are you holding your hands out like as if
you're holding something that's not there. Uh no, he doesn't need to know
where the meat is coming from. That's all part of the meat magic,
all right. Of the show me a trick, all right, if you're
a meat magic man, show me, show me a trick, Show me
a trick, any trick. Okay. I cast minor illusion on the table
and it's it's a really uh sexually attractive woman made out of sausages. All
right, give me a performance trick. What I do have? Like,
Oh, I understand you're doing the magic happens. Yes, you made an
illusion of a sexy lady. Made a find out what meat magic? Actually?
You know it's not bad. But it's not bad. You know it's
you know it's it's it's better than kids parties. You're like, ah,
the problem is your wrist man. You gotta a little snap. It's a
little popin lock. All right. That it is ain't bad. This is
just an old the main course. She'll be later on my friends here.
It's all right, well, good luck to your pal. And you know,
like, I like my like I like my sausage a little spicy winn
You know what I'm saying. Ah, I know what you're saying. I
don't know what he's saying. I'm leaving for all right, which you move
around the map to wherever you want to be, even Fred, Yeah,
I will saunter and wonder over behind it jaw sir, all right, as
you passed the guy up here, Uncle Vincenzo, he's watching you with a
little bit wary Yeah. Something. There's a guy. You know, there's
always that one guy in the organization who dresses a little too nice and proper
for like you know, if this is a back of these are wizards and
they're like basically their their version of like wizarding cargo shorts and flip flops.
This guy is still dressed like you, the wizarding equivalent of a suit,
and he uh, he's watching you. You notice it, but you know,
well I would landstat boil of suspicions like a pass a looking shop.
My friend, are you? Are you a performer too? I end performances.
Got a problem with that? Oh no, I'm the same thing of
it, performed myself. That's why I'm here. Make sure you do a
good performance. There also be your last one. You have nothing to fear,
my friend, it will be a performance. Interesting are you saying are
you allow me a coward? No, I don't think I said that.
But if I did, I apologize. Well you frightened. You're not even
a man of your own words. What's your problem? Oh? Do I
have a problem. No, I don't think I have a problem. I'm
busting your balls. I have a good time. I'm just here to watch,
keeping guard on things. Do your thing. Don't let you going?
Okay, well, let me know if you want to drink sometime. Goodbye.
So you wander over to Jorserer now, missus. The Sorcerer has her
back to you at the moment, but you definitely recognize her from lisam behind.
She's talking to mister three wands over here. So Josh Joseph is great
to see it again. Can I just you the devil Digg? Not right?
Where is that? What do you mean you made it? Did you
produce it? I don't want to know, never mind, I really think
you should try this devil Digg. I will. I will reluctantly take that.
It's like, oh man, he's got a special sauce in that thing.
I wouldn't try it. You know you know what it does? I
whacking it. I will hold the devil excellent. I've already started the meat,
if you would, I understand you're quite the meat magician. I very
much look forward to putting your sausage in my mouth. Joe, have you
hit your head? I'm here to rescue you from your life of I don't
know, suburban ju I would say, multipless, I would say, clearly,
this is a nice house. Standing who you're trying to get it.
It's a nice house you have here. All your wife's friends seem to be
pricks, but you know that's fine, I guess. But are you not
feeling a little constrained? You're not yearned for the life of adventure, are
you? And for freedom? However, I have magical rocks on my dick.
Now I'm not falling. I'm not fulling for that. What again,
my friend? So what happens if I try to leave? Do they explode
or something? You don't know? You haven't tried. Okay, but can
just walk out? I just walked in. I got my wonderers restrained.
Well, that's not a bad thing, you know, giving your history.
Perhaps it should be their children over there. I'm sorry, but it is.
The food gonna be ready anytime soon. The kids are hungry down there.
I can see it. Hey, Wendy, and Maria calls down to
h Wendy watches all down here, is watching the kids. He's like,
uh, huh, what's going on? Girl, girl? They are not
cooking. I think that steak is burning. That sausage is not. Like.
How many hot dogs do you want for them? Kids? And the
kids here? Hot dog? Hot dog, hot dog, And a bunch
of kids start swimming up towards the edge of the pool because they want their
hot dogs, extra ketchup as children do. Oh god, this is awful.
All right, we need to get the fuck out out of here,
and like a horde of zombies, the kids start coming whispering quickly. Man
the grill, I must play horseshoes for a moment. Let the mad magician
take over. Yes, georestra, I'll man the grill. You see to
the children's Oh my god, No, no, I must attend the horseshoe.
Bit the horse. Yes, to the horseshoe. Bit away from the
children, far away from the children. Hot dogs. We want hot dogs.
I want to catch up on mine. I like hot dogs are coming
out now, they're they're advancing. All right, Well, I will man
the grill. I'm gonna get some hot dog. No, I'm gonna put
that carefully aside. Okay, okay, all right, so Georgier, you're
gonna start moving over towards the horseshoe pit. Correct, yes, all right,
I'll put you halfway there. Stan, you are now, for some
reason, standing in front of the grill with five hungry kids asking for dogs.
I will draw my daggers and start moving these sausages around it. Okay,
it is entertaining away as I can behold my mate's magic. Children.
Give me, give me a performance check. They're just kids, so make
it good. A seven. They're kids now. The one kid, Frankie
Finn, the one to the front row of the ride, he is you
kind of suck, mister, I'm just warming up. Geta trust me.
Well, Ricky, what do you say? I think it's not bad?
He could be better. Sadu and it's like, I just want my hot
dog. I Carly she's just sitting there. She's kind of dopey, and
Ginny Poozo in the back, she's, you know, just fetus. Please,
we've been swimming, we're hungry, the sun's out, were burned.
Understandable, you have been neglected. But I don't want to give you food
poisoning except for you the Matthew one. Would you like this deviled egg?
Yeah? Sure, thanks man, I'm starving. There you go. Then,
Georser, what happens when the kid bites into the egg. He discovers
a stone? Okay within it a stone? Just a stone? Okay?
He my tool? He looks closer. Why I start a rock in this
egg? You sucking like? And so now you have unfortunately got the attention
of Uncle Vincenzo is starting to move over this way. Here's a kid in
pain. Lua Drew is starting to close in a little bit. Maria Blunt,
she s takes a step. We'll come back to your little predicament in
a second. Josser. Uh. You make your way over and you see
a uh you know, a more roundish maigeh. He is kind of somewhere
between a mage and a monk, balls stuck, and there's plan of little
horses. He's he's using the mage hand to uh, you know, cat
picks, because you don't see little poles in the ground, you see little
fires. So it's it's mage hand horseshoes and they're him and cousin salad,
tossing them back and forth, you know, weather talk business. So,
mister georg thank you for having me to your home. It was very respectful.
Something I can do for you? Georger walks over to uh father Brandon.
He's like, mister georyser the saughts wher, I appreciate you for having
us into your father. I appreciate you. It's respectful of having us into
your home. Is there something I can do for you? Just playing a
little bit of mage horseshoes, you use mage hand to toss the shoes in
and out of the little fires here. Yes, I see you indeed have
magical hands that don't be freaking weird. Georser opened. Georger opens his robes
and says, oh, not right here, No, no, not for
my boy, no, not for my boys. Please, it's children present,
all right, Stan. You see amid the screaming children, you clearly
see Gorcer's robes open, standing in front of what appears to be the made
father of this entire community, flashing as dangle, and there are children right
in front of you while you are handling this. Go to move, okay,
I need to. There are several reasons why I need to do this
next move. I want to remove the fact that I nearly broke that kids
too. Yep. I don't want any of these children watching what is going
on over there. And I also need to cement my identity as a meat
medician. So I want to try a move. This might be a slight
hand, it might be a performance. I don't know, but I want
to put some light of fluid on this gerrill so it flames up, and
I want to use that distraction to try and nab that rock back off that
kid. Okay, this is going to require a series of moves, all
right, So I'm going to step one. There is some oil, you
know, some fantasy appropriate a flask of oil behind you on to your right
on one of those tables. I'm gonna need you to uh uh dexterity check
to grab because I think you're trying to keep an eye on the kids while
you're doing this, trying to little flare and flourish. So yeah, I'm
gonna need you to uh uh a bunch of dexterity. I also want to
shout behold the mate magic, all right, So this is going to be
a dexterity check to grab the fluid. A performance check and then a then
uh, some kind of acrobatics check because you're trying to do this all together
in the final culmination. Uh so step one on my dexterity, you snatched
it off the table without even looking. It was flawless. There's a few
ooze. Uh. Now, give give me a performance check to see how
you had the twenty one. Everyone's engaged, everyone's got all eyes on you,
and you're you're holding this oil in front of an open flame and a
and five children in the front row, uh, approximately seven feet in front
of you on the standing outside the deck. Now, give me either an
acrobatic probably an acrobatics roll, because you're trying to like do this like either
athletics or acrobatics, your choice. You're trying to like do this desk because
I think you're trying to create a wall of fire before you try to steal
the rock from the kid. That's right, Okay, showbize and then child
theft yep six sixteen. You know that's that's fine. I was You're trying
to Benny honto this thing, and I was really hoping. I mean,
I'm not gonna lie. I hope you're gonna set those kids on fire.
But you don't. And I was perfectly willing to turn this into a bloodbath,
but you don't. Uh. Flaming volcano at a Japanese steakhouse. Baby,
Uh, it's you have a distraction, you have flames, you have
the heats. Unfortunately, the kid that you need is on the side of
the flame. So what are you gonna do to reach? Because that kid
is five seven ish feet away from you, and he's down about three because
the decks slightly raised. It's not a tall deck, it's just you know,
one of those like you know, like extra two feet off the ground
decks. So you've got about ten feet to cover. How are you gonna
get this rock from this kid? Hmmm, good question, Gibby. All
Right, I was hoping the kid was actually closer, but well, I'll
say this. His mouth is well, it's flame. He's not gonna get
closer. He's not that dumb. But his mouth is open. His mouth
is a gape and like at the display. So this is your shocking.
This is not yet. Uh. In that case, I will dive over
and say it look out, he's choking. Okay, so you dive through
the flame. Give me an acrobatics roll. Athletics or acrobatics your choice to
dive through the flame of land on the kid at ten? It ain't great.
You kind of clatter over some pots and pants, you kind of fall
in the fire. You're gonna take let's see, you're gonna take as long
as I can four points of fire damage if I can sell this as a
heroic act. And you land on the child. Now, let's do a
quick roll of the kid to see does his mouth there's a constitution check up.
Here's what I'm gonna do. Uh. Above a ten, it stays
in his mouth. Below a ten, he swallows it. Okay, stays
in his mouth. So you are on top of this child. His mouth
is open. You are bearing down on him like the devil himself who just
leaped through flame. On top of this kid. His wind is knocked out
of him. So we can't talk right now because an old, burly,
swashbuckling man landed on a child. I'm shouting, he's choking. I know,
uh wants the fancy equivalent of a hime link movement. I know how
to stop a child choking? All right, what do you do? The
hard look? Yeah, this is an established move. I just squeeze that
child until he cuffed up. You fist your hands together like Captain Kirk style
and bring it down on his chest. Absolutely all right, give me an
attack roll. Well, you are attacking this attacking him. It's a medical
in arms trikes on a on a nine year old eleven So how much the
amber did you do this kid? It's medical damage. Gimma sure full zero
zero efect the uh he you have knocked the wind further out of him.
H he spits the rock into the air. H comes flying out. Do
you want to uh try to snatch it first? I want to snatch it
out? All right. It's between you and I car because she's right there.
She saw the whole thing, so so give me a slider hand roll
versus hers. She's a sticky finger. Little kids. I'm gonna give her
a plus one. She gets a nine. So yeah, you she reaches
forward. Aha, you snatch that kid that rock away from that kid before
she even touches it. Don't worry, I the meat magician have safety a
child's life. You're on top of Frankie. He can't talk back at the
moment. He's like he's pointing at you, and he's pointing at Uncle Vincenzo.
That's right, I am a hero. Uh So with Uncle Vincenzo,
the fixer of the family, watching you dump over there, let me see.
Let me give him a perception check on my Uncle Vincenzo, real fast.
He's got a plus five per perception, so let's see what he gets
nineteen. He saw everything very clearly. He didn't see the kid per se.
So give me one last role, give me a deception check to see
about if Uncle Vincenzo believes you're bullshit about the choking. Now, if he
saw her everything he saw me dive to five, I understood, But this
is yes, you got all through all that stuff. I got the kid.
You're trying to convince the man who makes people disappear for the family to
believe that this kid was suffer a natural one. And that's where we'll leave
this episode. That five. No, you're standing in front of the Wizarding
Godfather with your dick out, who was trying to share you as much respect
as possible. Stand just tackled a kid and couldn't bullshit his way past the
assassin of the Wizarding of Familiar and I think that's an excellent place to leave
off. I hope means something for this episode. I hope that's undue previous
action. We'll be back to see what happens next with zero point seventy five.
Uh, Steve and or mister Bell And do you have any parting words
for our fans? Oh? No, oh, I'm as curious to say
how this turns out as you are. Well with that, Ladies and gentlemen,
we thank you very, very very much for joining us on this episode
of The Dicey Bastards. We will be back next time with point seventy five
to see exactly how standard George for get out of this predicament. Can't wait
to see it. Take care, everybody, Bye bye bye, goodbye.
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might assist me in getting my rocks off