Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to week three of the twenty fifteen script. Wow,
that's correct. Week three the final installment before the final judging. Is
this the penultimate judging, the penultimate vote? Yes, your last chance to
exercise your democratic freedoms, at least all as long as you stock kick kid.
I'm Dave Stacco, David Flora. Oh, dear sweet gentle soft flaxen
haired listener, join me next to this roaring fire of exploration. Pour yourself
a brandy of the unknown. Have a seat on this fine bare cushion betwixt
master's Flora and Stacco. They're there, aren't we all more comfy? Now?
Now watch this TV I've had brought into the room beaming life from the
twenty fifteen contest. See what oddities we parade before you? This sweet that's
right. This week our senses will once again be amazed and bewitched by three
elegant young ladies. Masters. Here at the Miscrypted Institute, we value the
intangiles, pulleys, grace, nascent psychic abilities. Perhaps the breity need to
turn into an amorphous mist Flora. What do you look for in encrypted bangs?
Yes, bity, pointy fangs, tell us, Master Flora of tonight's
elegant Ladies, Shall we find a fang in the group? We shall,
and we might find many for tonight for your horrible viewing pleasure. We have
your imaginary viewing pleasure from darkest Africa. It's just African now, from Africa,
the adse from darkest West Virginia. Yes, that's totally accurate. The
sheep squatch, sheep a squatch and from darkest Netherlands for like six months of
the year. Then, oh, that's right, And we also have the
winner of week two to announce. That's right. Your votes have counted,
and they counted quite directly in one direction, but not the band. Never
the band. So let's let's roll this out. Let's get to it,
Lauren. Week three bring out the first elegant lady. How about we take
a look at the Odds, a creature from the folklore of the Away people
of southern Togo, Ghana and benin Africa. The Odds is considered a type
of vampire. They usually usually there they are thanks that usually assumes one of
two forms. In human form, the Odds appears as a hunched back person
with large talons, great strength, and jet black skin. Well, that's
ridiculous. Something that has all of those attributes could a never make it through
the air and would be thwarted by any walls or any barriers. It's able
to shape shift into its other form, a small insect, sometimes a firefly,
usually a firefly, which it loves to do since it can crawl in
through keyholes and cracks, and actually, in one of the accounts that I
read, it doesn't even need to go that far, as the firefly can
just right through stuff. Well will. In this form, it's very agile,
being near impossible to kill. Some sources will cite it as being indestructible.
Wow. Will adds as drink blood in both forms, and they prefer
the blood of children. Who doesn't it honestly acually infants. If you've been
out, like on a holiday weekend, playing beach volleyball in the in the
hot summer sand, what are you going to pull up for? What you
want to do? You want to like a child's blood or some old guy's
blood. Not me. I'll always take a tall, cool child's blood.
Please. Nothing quenches like the third, like the blood of the innocent.
When that baby cart comes rolling around with the ching, ching ching, I
come around one of them SpongeBob babies, bubble gum out. You hoisted me
by my own petard. I deserve that. While in insect form, it's
said they will drink blood from a sleeping person, either through the thumb or
the lips. In human form, the odds will drink blood, however,
at once, and also eat the heart and liver of the victim. And
if you think that that's the extent of the trouble they can cause, you'd
be wrong. You should just listen. You should just learn before you talk,
think before you speak, because not only can it will it eat your
your internal organs, not only will it do some some creepy night thumb suck,
but it can also possess you. You can become the tool of the
odds. A But the good news is this, there are ways for your
your family and loved ones to know that you've been possessed. The bad news
is is the telltale markers are almost universally just signs of being an old fashioned
at all. For example, you could be suspected of being possessed for a
number of reasons. Um say you're a woman and you have a brother,
Okay, now that's it. That's good enough. And you can you can
you can double, you can double indemnify yourself. It can get worse,
especially if that brother's children are doing better than yours. Oh okay, yep,
yep, that's one. I see another another telltale sign another another.
How you know if someone's been possessed toenails? If you have toenails old people,
that's it. Who lives that long? I must be a sorcerer?
Right, um? Yeah? The old people are always suspect of being possessed,
especially if young people start to die and the old people keep on living.
Yeah, okay, how about the poor? You should also look askance
at the poor and as like as with the other two examples, there's a
way to make it make yourself even more likely to be possessed if you're poor
and you commit the sin of envying the rich. These rules brought to you
by yeah, the man a status quo, the king of your people's Yeah
yeah yeah, keeping everything stable, let the sleeping dog lie people. So
yeah, those are some of the tell tales of odds a possession. Yeah,
it's believed these creatures are are sorcerers or witches or at least that sorcerers
and witches are are in league with them. Yep, they can use this
magic to possess victims, either by will or by by pill or by being
a victim of an ODDS attack. If you're a victim of it and you
don't straight up die vampire style, you can become, yeah, under their
possession. Pretty you know that's standard vampire rules. Sure, that's a thrall.
Possession puts the victim in a zombie like state, and eventually the person
becomes sick and dies. So doesn't last for very long. Oh my god,
it's so right. The old and poor people, they get sick and
die. All that dies, right, they're under possession and sisters. Odds's
can also survive a little while on palm oil or coconut milk if they can't
find a supply of blood, although doing that for too long we'll send them
into a ravenous blood frenzy. Well. Also, what they don't tell you
is that coconut milk is a natural laxative. I learned that that sends me
into a blood print. I learned that from Tom Hanks. So though difficult,
they can be captured in insect form, but when they are, they
immediately revert back to human form and attack you. So put them in a
big jar. I mean, what if you have it like in the net
and it just goes huge and then the net just like pulls through its skin
and it just pulps itself. That's that's the whole picture they paint on these
uh descriptions and stuff. It's like you put it in jar, but then
it grows and busts out of the jar. Put it in the net,
it'll rip the net. Like yeah, that you you would think that being
growing inside an enclosed space would have some bad repercussions. My theory is put
some wooden steaks inside the jar might glue them to the inside somehow. And
so when you they call those crazy jars if they find you making a steak
line to jar, but you're probably possessed. Yeah, but I've got I've
got the worst news for you, Flora. What's that? And I quote
just to get just to stop you from even spinning your wheels. There is
no defense against the odds. It really is the man. I mean,
well, yeah, it really is the man. I don't know, but
let's let's try this crazy jar you got going it's like a ship in a
bottle, but not at all, right, just do wooden steaks in there.
That way if it tell the guy at the story you're making a ship
in a bottle, so he doesn't call the police, just say I'm making
the struts for it so I can set it on there. Yeah, put
the keel on on this part and this will will hold up the mouse to
your birthday. I'm gonna make you an odds a jar. That'd be great.
We should when when we get the store set up, we should make
them and so oh yeah, oh that'd be terrible. Snake oil. So
it's thought the tails of these creatures were told to warn of the dangers of
malaria and mosquitoes. Yeah, which I mean, but what is it?
What is that accomplishing? It just says that they're gonna bite you. You
can't do anything about it, Like it's just it's just making it actually worse
pretty much is because it's saying, oh, you can't kill them an insect
form. You can capture them, but then they'll they'll kill you. Don't
even try, and it's your ass. That's a good point, but getting
possessed by them, getting sick and dying. That's all goes hand in hand
with malaria. That's where they think some of that comes from. So yep,
So there you go. That'll be the odds a for you. Up
next in this thrilling cavalcade of clandestine cryptids, let us welcome the shape Squatch.
Hey, y'all, my name is Dalbert Mittens, and I'm here to
introduce the seep squatch. This sheep squatch in West Virginia. There was a
rash of sightings in the nineties. Lay a minute where in West Virginia.
Well, a few different places, but primarily around the Boone County here,
Old County. That's a load of horses. That's wood snoop territory. You
know that, I knows it ain't no such state to go, Steve Squatch.
That's the wood snoot, and it steals your bear. Boone County wood
Snoot. You don't take kindly the interlopers, neighbors or anybody else. Hikers,
environmentalists, people from the EPA, and then the damn Food and Game
administration in the park rangers work cruise from local penitentiary, and then the kids
on field trips hate some wood snoot. I gotta tell you. I don't
take kind of like the Food and Game Administry anything, the FGA Downtown.
I even wonder if them badges Israel, does that take your bear too?
Some of you who may remember one of our intros, we did a the
Mari Voyage show, Yeah and uh it was the case of the wood Snoot,
the Boone County wood Snoots. Sole Guy's beer as bud Light Sole as
Budweiser Select Select. So yeah, sorry, I mean to steal time from
sheep Squatch. So in the nineties there were sightings of a strange, hairy
hominid that has come to be known as sheepe squatch. Sheep squitch also called
the white thing sheeps, which was described as a thing what the great white
thing? No, it's not great. It was described as being about the
size of a bear with white wool like fur. It's front halls were not
unlike a raccoons, and its head was long and pointed, with a dog
like snout or maybe a bear like snout, and horns like a young goat.
Some accounts say they were a little larger like a ram, and many
of those accounts I think are just artist's description. It's true. It also
apparently had a long, hairless tail and smelt of sulfur. The tail thing
is funny because in the accounts that I read it never comes up. Really,
but yeah, because there was. It was supposed to because it was
like born of hell or some probably also maybe it just had the sheep gas.
Got a few accounts here from the from the nineties, although sightings are
documented as far back as nineteen sixty five in author Ruth Anne Music's book The
Tail Tale Lilac Bush, but a surge in sightings started in nineteen ninety four
when a former Navy seaman saw it one day in the forest. He watched
it drink from a creek. I'm sorry, he watched it drink from a
creek then move on into the surrounding brush. No, I do have one
question, because I've read that account, okay, and there's some if we're
reading the exact same account, I don't know. In the one that I
read, I got to ask you this. I got it, okay,
it says. In nineteen ninety four, a former Navy seaman stated having witnessed
the beast drinking breaking through the forest. After ingesting a mound of mushroom caps,
he found on the forest floor. Now that sentence leaves it a little
nebulous as to who ate the shrooms. I didn't see that, Yeah,
I didn't see that in the one I read. So yeah, it doesn't
say who is just hanging out in the woods eating mushrooms. That's that's a
great point. Yeah. So anyway, let's eat grandma or let's eat grandma.
Rut's right. Yeah, that common matters. Karma matters people. Later
that year, two kids saw the thing while they were out playing and said
it stood on its hind legs, which made it stand over six feet tall.
Apparently the sheep squatch was the startled one, though, as it took
off through the forest screaming goat sound. A year later, a couple was
driving through I love that sound so much. A couple was driving through Boone
County and saw a big white creature in a ditch by the road. Stopping
to get a better look, they saw what seemed like a bear like wooly
beast, possibly having four eyes. Was it the man bear pig No,
big man bear pigfoot, yes, albino big magpa the rarest of big Man
bear pigfoots Suddenly it jumped out of the ditch and began attacking the car,
causing the people to speed off with scratches on the car as a through in
the air Hey four Eyes. In nineteen ninety nine, some campers were out
not far from their house when they started hearing snorting and scuffling from the darkness
around the campsite. Without warning, this supposed sheep squatch appeared at the edge
of the firelight and charged them. They ran back to their house, chased
by the thing, and then it stopped at the edge of the woods and
let out a terrible scream, screaming goat sound. But but wait, wait,
don't do it yet, screaming goat sound, but longer, with a
little bit of sinister behind it. The campers returned to their site the next
morning to find it all torn up, like someone had tealed it up for
gardening. Well did he? I mean, it's fine if he's going to
plant it mushrooms. It was like his weed stash. He's going to grow
forest weed. There have been a few other sightings here and there, mostly
around the Boone, Canawa, Putnam and Mason County is in woos Virginia Wood
Snoot Territory. To date, they only remain anecdotes. However, you know,
next year I'm putting the Boone County wood Snoot into the miscripted contest.
It's the new hood egg. It is the Boone County wood Snoot. That's
a that I'm making. That's that's t shirts, bumper stickers, wood snoot
festival, snoot Days, snoot scooting. Oh my god, it's the race.
Like, yeah, the snoot. It's like a soapbox derby. That's
right, snoot, don't pollute, clean up snoop snoot town. Well,
okay, looked good at workshopping. There's some work to do. The show
Mountain Monsters recently did an episode where they searched for it. Have you seen
this one? Have you seen any of it? No? I didn't know.
I haven't, Dave. But the first time I had seen the show
too, it was nigh unwatchable. Oh how painfully predictable. I think I
got through maybe twenty minutes of it. If that I'm not surprised. Yeah,
not good. Um. Do you do you ever feel like they they
might just think of an animal and combine it with sasquatch and then new it's
a new thing. Yeah, I mean, how many squatches have we dealt
with. There's the bat squatch, there's the sasquatch, there's sas squatch,
there's the sheep squatch. I mean, I don't know how many it's a
no, I'm sure there's another squatch we don't either don't know about yet or
not remembering. It's only got to have one syllable in the name, though,
So like dog squatch, yeah, like rabbit squatch, Yeah, that
doesn't work. Goat squitch, goat squatch. That would work. That would
work. Snake squitch maybe that'd be terrifying. Oh, I know what you
want to see, spider squitch. Well, it doesn't work. It doesn't
work. They were squitch. Send us in any squatches in your neighborhood that
if we don't in any hyphenated cow squatch. Oh, I'd love cow squatsch.
But there's a cow squitch out there. Or would it be a bull
squatch? Next episode bull squat tonight, I'm bull squatch all right? Okay,
And for our last lovely Lady of the Evening, literally literally, we
go to the lovely and socially progressive Scandinavia, where it seems they're just they
just do everything better all the time. But since we're not willing to learn
the language, we're never gonna go. I honestly think that it's the language
that keeps that place that great. It's a really high barrier to people just
wanting to go there for no reason. If they spoke English, we would
have ruined that place by now. You're probably right. They got that a
with a little circle at the top. That scares twenty percent of the people
away, just that alone. Four k's in a row. Liberal use of
oolts, yeah, yeah, and all the fish you can eat. Yeah,
fermented, it's fermented in the bottle, in the barrel. Yeah,
they bury reindeer, they bury shark, They ferment shark. They just bury
it in the ground and then come back for it. Whoops, that's right,
we're talking about the vet off even yes, which which kind of I
like this. I like this already because even though we don't speak swin Nordic
Sweden Bonavian um, you can you can parse this one out. It actually
um. The roots of the word means wise women. Yeah, according to
who you ask, Well, you know, there's there's there's some some some
small dv Asian there. This is a creature of Dutch, Belgian and French
mythology. Okay, then why on earth did you let me go through all
that Scandinavian stuff. I could have sworn it was from Scandinavia. Doesn't the
Netherlands Countess Scandinavia. Well, I don't know, but it doesn't count enough
as much as I was selling think the far, frosty northern regions of it.
So well, two things I don't know. I don't know anything about
the ideology of what they're called or where they're from. So Flora, you
might want to take the reins from this point forward and I'll just try to
catch them. I thought I knew, and I didn't. I'm just making
it up. Two fangs tiny bears with ties on, and the Dutch the
vtavivan are spirits or fairies that live near mounds, by lakes or swamps.
They are described as women dressed in white with long hair appearing in wispy mist
like form. There is some confusion that stems from the translation of their name
and leads to two different views on them. I think I've made my position
clear. You have. Vita is commonly translated as white in Dutch, and
vivan means women taken in this coma White women by Aama lamb. What's boarding
school? Bayamma lamb. Because my mom's no fool Byama lamb, her dad's
optimal just blah blam. And a mom's a hell of a homemaker Byama.
White women Byama lam Ooh, white women, I can't tell if that's offensive
or not. Well, probably is then air air on the offensive. Taken
in this context, the white women are spooky specters that delight in leading travelers
astray at night, particularly to their deaths in the swamp. Oh they got
a little like will of the whiff's action going there. They can also be
vengeful if slided or if a promise to them is broken, so like,
if you promise to get a limo for their homecoming, you better make sure
that they will haunt you. Oh what women lamb? WHOA got a nice
cat? By malam, Gonna take them to the potter via malam, I
wanna go to the death by malam. Lululemon Yoga pants women says here the
only way to protect yourself is by carrying a small container of pumpkin spice latte
yep and wearing uggs. Have to offer them the uggs um Jesus. However,
in Low Saxon dialects, witta could be derived from vetan, which means
to know, shortened to vit or vitty. In that case though vit have
even our wise women old you who help lost travelers and are given offerings,
And this can come from the old pre Christian Northern European tradition of the volva.
I'm listening wise women of the highest social classes with knowledge of herbalism,
politics, meteorology, and even prophecy, when they've all totally ready pray love.
When they died, it was thought their spirits remained on earth, residing
in burial sites, mounds or Dolman's arg stones. We've talked about those,
and people would often take offerings to them for help and advice. This practice
could have come from Old Germanic pagan beliefs of honoring alten which are elves and
decent, which were spirits associated with fate. And all of this is Scandinavian
mythology. All it all ties together, all up in there, so okay,
so maybe you don't. You don't have to feel too bad, just
a little bad, as bad as I feel. I think also we should
feel bad because we're sexist and stupid. Don't forget that's a good reason to
feel bad. But we'll do anything to make the jokes we want. And
I don't care what person it makes me. If I want to sing a
song about white women, I'm gonna do it. I don't care who I
hurt. As Christianity took hold in the region, Dave, same old song
and dance, the wise women were slowly subverted, and the thought of spirits
of wise women gradually came to mean witches and evil things to be avoided.
Sigh. Why single tier became so much more fun and so much less informative.
The sad thing is neither of us are dreaming. I know, Yeah,
I just ran four miles. Yeah, I went on a twelve mile
bike ride just just before I got here. Maybe we're just high on on
doorphins. That must be it. We're just exercised, y'all. Don't need
to be drinking. You shut up, we do so Yeah, let me
think of that. I like it. I like that. It's got the
two different things. And you know what's what's crazy about it is some of
that's true because apparently a lot of the area in that region does get very
foggy and misty, and when there's swamps and stuff and you get off track
at all, it gets dangerous. Yep. So there's there's a little kernel
a truth to that. Yeah, maybe that's that's like the the apocryphal warning
could be yea to avoid the mists and watch out, watch out for him.
So there you go. Yes, three elegant contestants. Oh and now
we reveal the winner from week two. But first delaying puns. I'm glad
we finally called it for what I was and I feel I feel clean for
the first time in a long time. Just kidding out. Feel clean,
not me, never clean. Flora. Yes, you got some puns.
I got two. Okay, it's a good number. Sometimes whilst drinking you
start seeing strange creatures. Dave could be big, wooly nasty beasts you see.
Huh. It's not normal if you had good alcohol, but it's pretty
common when you encounter cheap scotch. Oh nice, it's the worst scotch.
You know. There's one other homedide that we forgot to list when we were
trying to list off other alternative homaids, And this is one that, as
far as I know, has been sighted all over the globe, usually noticed.
Its telltale markings are a lack of general body hair, but always a
very thin line of hair just above the lip, just under the nose,
just a very thin line of hair, usually seen hanging around women's locker rooms,
sometimes in the adult section of a video store, and just watching over
the top looking, and almost always in an airport. That's the creep squatch.
Nobody's taking pictures of him. Yeah, nobody wants to take creep squatches,
taking pictures a year, usually found in Soilvid, Russia. Yeah,
all right, Dave. In the Scottish move sometimes you'll you'll come across some
white mist or fog that rolls up around you. That's foul smelling though and
calls unstant nausea. Some people think, if you encounter this creepy white mist,
you'll be doing a better haven. I get you. I like that,
all right. You know we uh, we've got a little bit of
an ad we need to add to this episode and add to add Yeah,
yeah, well we got we got uh uh, they bought some of our
airtime. It's a it's a Belgian sitcom. It's about three ladies who live
in a swamp and uh really, you know, it's just it's tough being
a lady in the swamp trying to lure people to their deaths. But they're
all very well educated. Um and I, although I don't understand the title
in Belgian, Um, if it's subtitled into English and it's called Winny Women,
that's the I'm gonna go ahead and say that's the worst pun I've ever
done. I think that's the worst one I've ever done. And what I'm
what's gonna be even more painful is getting listener mail that goes, no,
no, here's one that you did that was worse. I mean, I
don't know silver lining, it took you this this long ticket there and maybe
yeah, I guess it's a good run. I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah see, I burned. I gave a lot of gold to this podcast
already. Well, them's puns and Okay, so last week we had Zanna
the Northern Georgian beast Woman. Yep, we had Wisconsin hoo d old fashioned
hoo dag and we had the beast say as as told by a drunk occasion
man. So boy, I got a pick. Now, who I think?
Who I think wins? And that's really tough because the Hodag is just
full of America and pissing vinegar. Zanna is just kind of a cool,
weird story, kind of sad. Yeah, and the Beast of Javaudinal was
like, as far as we know, pretty real. Yeah, and a
murder machine. A murder machine, I gotta tell you. The only the
only tip Floor has given me is that this week was not close that the
the the the voting has been pretty clear. It was not as close as
week one. Yeah. Shoot, I don't think it was the Hodag.
I don't think it was the Hodag. He wasna. I think that it
was Zanna. That's what I think. Okay, which is tough because that's
a tough call between them, but apparently no one else felt that way about
it. The winner of Week two of the twenty fifteen Miss crypt Contest is
the Beast of Javud. That's awesome. Congratulations Beast, you get to go
to the Fete Bet party in Frances, and congratulations to all who voted because
that enters you once again into the twenty fifteen Miss Cryptic Contest prize package package
with a Golden Goat mayor so Golden So goat man. So we've got two
of the three pieces of the triforce. Dave. Yep, we have the
Jakalope from week two be and from week three? Who will it be?
Will it be the Odds, will it be the sheep Squatch or will it
be the vet of even Bamble lamb. Well, only you can tell us.
You're in charge from here on out. You can vote once more into
the breach, dear friends, and we will announce this on I guess next
week's episode. We have to announce it. Yeah, we'll put it on
on the next episodes that we can kind of tighten up the voting schedule.
Yeah, so we might. We might get a few days knocked off of
how long you have to vote. So vote as soon as you get the
chance for this week, and then once week three is determined, we will
open up the polls to determine who is the winner of the twenty fifteen miss
Scripted Contest, and you will have one week from there and we will announce
it on that next episode. We'll have a winner. And man, the
prize pack is awesome this year. We have our together so much better than
we have in the past. It's gonna be a lot of the same stuff,
but with a magnet hit thrown in here and there. Two magnet,
two magnets and a shicker. A T shirt, yeah, a real T
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That one's really fun um improvised Star Trek. I'm a giant Star Trek fan.
And I think it's hilarious. The Tales of the Federation Starships Sisophis,
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I know it's too soon to tell. It's not too soon to tell,
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Hope you had fun. Yes, enjoyed this miscrypted contest this year.
We'll see you in a few days for the next episode. Who did