Magic mind rows and on to the part with those they don't go plain when
they look at all only saved the sea is drug not to wars because don't
need no cars, homes and drug doesn't try all those drug foll doesn't drug
beat heart teams and creep fantasy. All Ferris take on a sadistic games master.
Willie s thanks very takers yourselves, you dumb bucks? Do you forget
how to bud? I mean Rick's right, DM goes last. We haven't
done this in a while, him John Hartness, and I have no idea
where the fuck I go in initiative. I am the founder and publisher of
Falstaff Books, and I'm the author of multiple series, including the Black Night
Chronicles, Babba the Monster Hunter, and Quincy Harker Demon Hunter. And for
this bullshit, I will be playing Alphonse light Bringer, the surly Monk I
hate everyone. Hi am Joseph Brassy. I will be playing the role of
cal hashwood Stone Paladin. I was an author on the Mongoliad books. My
novel Skyfair and Dragon Rode are being re released this year from Falstaff Books.
And I am the author of such such non existent titles as Where Are My
Pants? They are gone. Oh look, there are my balls. For
the record, Joe's also currently not wearing pants. Hi, everybody. I
am Drew Hayes, author of books such as Superpowers, Fred the Vampire Accountant,
and the Villains Code series, the latest of which Villains Vignettes, is
coming out in audiobook this month, and also the author of such randomly ridiculous
short stories as the case of who Ship My Pants? Just in case anybody
remembers were five minutes Sherlock started out In this game, I shall be playing
a Warforge sorcerer who may or may not be a sociopath. Is this the
game where we find out it may also be my deity? I'm not sure
he is. Yeah, I'll just ask him. Hello friends, my name
is Robert Pavin. I play the role of us the Sorcerer. Oh my,
in real life, I right the Caverns Creatures series of comedy fantasy novels
short stories starting with the first book, Critical Failures, and many of these
shingles titles go get Them. Hi, dam My name is Steve Wevil and
I play Stan Dandyliver, professional folk hero and Karen Denizen of the Whole of
Flesh. Unfortunately, an in real life, I write such books as Brandon
Firemaster and The Dude Cruise. Go check that out. Hey everyone, my
name is Rick Waltery. Who I am? And I am the last book
on Matt Dineman's table, And no you can't buy it in real life?
Does it really matter? Nope, I'm not there and I'm just hoping the
Internet stays up. We all are all right. Well, perhaps a quick
recap before we dive right into things. When last we met our interpret Adventures,
they had battled Jorcerer's family. It was a sticky situation and Jizzard the
Wizard our party. Our party prevailed, and in prevailing they they inherited the
keep of Jorcerer's uncle Uncle, thus becoming a barrens of the lands that he
held. However, our party did not come out entirely unscathed. Alphons ended
up with a box turtle familiar named Mel. He is my friend Stan turned
into a massive hill giant, although in the three months that have passed since
then, his condition has improved a little bit. Now he's only a seven
foot tall brute. And something may have happened to a certain metal character that
whose name I can't remember. So three months have passed, giving you all
a chance to familiarize yourself not only with the Hall of Flesh, but the
lands that now you kind of lured over. The Hall of Flesh itself is
run by a small group of automatons sort of pseudo flesh goldhams with oddly enough
a disturbing amount of holes drilled into them, and they are led by a
flush goleumn named Johnson. This feels a lot like if Jorcer's family built Metallica
Zam a new family, except more we would be more like metallic come Zam.
Well, see that's not all. There is a hill in the surrounding
lands that fall underneath your jurisdiction. There is a small village that's that well
pays pays a tithe to you, and that village is called knobs End.
Now knobs End has one export that's that keeps the village from from, you
know, diving into povertynography or that They harvest a local plant called broad root,
and by mixing rock that plant with boiled goblin intestines, they create a
viscous, slippery jelly called knobgob which which is a popular export to the Kingdom
of Zamil as Uh, the Kingdom uses that to lubricate their ballistas, their
catapults, their siege weapons, as well as other unspoken duties. Uh,
he'said duty. Yeah. Uncle Muncle also had a few other a few of
their dictates with regards to uh to this town. In addition to paying him
a small percentage of each of the sale knobgob, there were a couple of
a couple of tithes owed to him one the first barrel of any new batch
of knobgob, which makes perfect sense. And by the way, when you
splurred the keep and went downstairs, you discovered a wine cellar that wasn't full
of wine. Munkel also had established prima nacta for all newlyweds, meaning he
was given right a first night with the all married couples. But addition to
that, he also had a ritual called Carro Dolium, in which all boys
and girls upon the onset of puberty were to present themselves at the Hall of
Flesh to spend one night in the barrel of adult responsibility, which, oddly
enough, is the same barrel of no newness that Georgia remembers using as a
child. So the first thing we're doing is abolishing all of that. We
killed that guy right, just to clarify, yea, he is very dead.
I have a question, ye can't we kill him again? For three
long months? Has spilled a seed upon this land? Have I not?
And the children? Well, let me go down the list, because whether
or not you uh, you have gone away with all of these traditions,
it's kind of, I guess, an individual thing, since you all rule
with equal authority, So if you've all chosen us, but just for grown
ups, the barrel of adult responsibility, we should rename that barrel and all
that shit about children and like first night with married couples, now that's that's
that's going out of the window. But bare enough. But can we keep
the barrel just for like us, for grown ups? Yeah? He said,
I'm not using it. Well, I'm wasn't necessarily inviting you. I
was, I wasn't. I'm not saying I wasn't. But call has spent
a good amount of the intervening time taking the gullums with the holes in them
and trying to turn them into bond. But you keep trying to smoke the
wrong pipe. But there's there's definitely the fumes of bubbling seamen, I mean
past a certain point, it's all wizard juice. After three months, the
Hall of Flesh has some interesting odors wafting through it. However, now that
three months since ice they have passed, the snows have cleared, the neighboring,
the village has begun their harvest. And at one point Johnson informs you
that's the yearly festival known as the Nobbining is about to happen. And the
Nobbining involves the very first patch of knob gob And yes, the lords of
the lords of knob Gob or I'm sorry knobs and are expected to make to
make a visit and give their blessing. Oh, can we get a definition
on blessing? I mean, do we just need to wave our hand over
someone's knob building? Or if I pulled my dick out and it sees its
shadow a miracle and defying all genetics. Johnson informs you, like my lord's
there is nothing need. There is no need to fear the nobbinging. You
needly show up and nod your approval and then take your your barrel home with
you. What are we approving? Who cares? We're getting a barrel of
whatever I have to say I've gone right off barrels. In general, that's
not what you said last night. I'm pretty sure it was, my friend.
I couldn't hear you over the ball, cag If there is something insidious
in nature, better to discover it now then be surprised. Oh, there
was plenty insidious as you as you learned the keep itself is there's a lot
of open space there, and there's plenty of normal living areas, you know,
bedrooms, living their basic kitchen. What is anything normal here? Really?
Is it all slightly sticky? Well, it's funny you should ask,
because at the let's just see the very tip of the of the Hall of
Flesh. Everybody wants to scroll up. There is an observatory there. Let's
just it's my glass that god fucking damn it. There's an observat territory with
the spyglass that seems to be permanently welded in place, and upon looking through
it, you notice that it is permanently fixated on the town's hot spring.
We're everybody, so we're taking this apart? Whoa, whoa, yes,
yes, well, can I at least install a step ladder first? For
a minute or two it'll be a step ladder in nothing. And let me
just point out when I say everybody, I mean everybody bathes there. Oh
never mind on the blood side. This has the potential to make an excellent
bong. I mean yeah, if we take it down, I could,
like, I could float forever. Such is such is the Hall of Flesh,
which of course is now all of yours. So that said, ah
Johnson would like to know. It's like if if the town can can count
on you to appear at the nobbining, we will knobbing the shit out of
them. Yes, we're there, excellent, excellent masters. For to for
to miss it would be a grave insult to the people. Oh wait,
if we skip it, then it's an insult. Might be down for that
disaster seems more likely in our absence. Thus we stay home. This is
the culture of my people. I shall knob I shall immediately begin drawing a
for sale sign to hang on the Hall of Flesh, because this is the
culture of Georser's people, and I've seen what's under that robe. Johnson also
adds, like, since you have done away with some of the beloved traditions,
that's that Georser's uncle, uncle had established the fuck Yeah, the town.
The town has been uh. There's been rumbles from the town. So
perhaps it would be best to make an appearance and offer your blessing in this
uh, in this simple ritual of simple humans. It's never simple. Well,
not to jinx it, but maybe it will. We show up blessed,
the perverts return immediately home. We'll all get through this day without any
psychological scars. Too late. I just learned that this town makes lube and
barrels. I fit in a barrel. I wanted to be a folk hero,
not an urban legend. Six Dan used to fit in the barrel,
but not anymore. Yeah, you're very tall now, bro. Yes,
it's rabbit disconcerting you remain now in the three months that have passed, you
do you have learned that there is still a bounty reward out for your heads
back in Brian Moss. However, because of the importance of the exports of
Knobgob and your new uh, your new status as sub barrens, at the
moment, there seems to be kind of a a minor ceasefire, or a
temporary ceasefire. In that I got a very uncomfortable question. Are our overlords
don barrens. I mean we we are the ones with the barrel of naught
in us, so probably lube. Yeah we are now yeah, all right,
so put on your leathers and let's get ready, ye to get some
nobbing in it. My knob is ready. The trip to knobs And is
relatively benign. It's only a couple of miles away. You can do that
relatively easy on horseback. And as you approached the small, uh, the
small village, you see that there is a festive spirit. You know,
people are drinking, laughing, you know, the mood is good. It's
a town. Yeah. And you and you were all brought to the to
the town square amongst amidst many cheers from the from the town goers. You're
handed, you're handed uh you know, full pictures of mead, you know,
to join in the celebration. And you were met in the town center
by the mayor of knobs And. Let this quipper will and in front of
him is is a is a twenty foot wide platform, a top which there
is a very large over ten feet in diameter burning burning cauldron or bubbling coiled
cauldron, and there's also a the the the raised platform is covered in dried
blood, blood stains, and there are piles of discarded bones there. I
don't like this. However, however, Lectus is quite happy to see you,
and he's like, oh, you know, well, welcome. He
looks at all of you, looks as if he's trying to remember your names.
Welcome uncle's replacements. I'm okay with that. Hello, hollow and fragile.
Official, these bones generally in my travels, big pile of bones,
not really a great thing. Is this just some kind of overdone stew Oh
are we looking at at atrocity? Yeah? I got the same question,
and like, I'm gonna have to start breaking shit If it is, I
don't care. I will say we've had enough atrocities for a while, and
that was just orser at breakfast. Allow allow me, allow me to explain,
my friends, this is merely part of tradition. The bones of last
year's goblins that were used in the preparation of knob gob are brought out as
a good luck omen as we prepared to make the first batch of the season,
good luck for whom probably not the goblins, I imagine, but dark
goblins. How I don't like that. So how big is a goblin skull
in comparison to both a hafling skull and a box turtle. That's a very
strange question, my friend. Yeah in this okay, so goblin about a
goblin would be about your size, Alphons, A box turtle is considerably smaller.
All right, mister mayor, can I have a skull? He turns,
He turns to like a townsfolk. One of the barons wishes to wishes
for a skull, and they all cheer a great blessing, and he gingerly
grabs, you know, a small goblin skull, and he hands it over
to you. This is going to be my conveyance for Mel. It's secondary
armor for my turtle. So I'm going to carefully, I want to carefully
begin deconstructing the platform that I had built on my left shoulder to carry Mel
and affix the goblin's skull to it, with a large hole in the back
and a small hole in the top so he can stick his little turtle head
up. Not a hermit crab, turbit crab, I'm not the fucking I'm
not the fucking ranger. I'm almost I live in quiet contemplation and knock the
ship out of things. So, uh, how are these bones acquired?
Like y'all harvest goblins that are already dead? I'm assuming are they volunteer goblins?
What's going on here? Say? Yes, Lord mayor they're they're goblins,
they're vermin. All right, I'm running this fucker through. Oh friend,
we played the version of D and D where goblins are like sentient or
where they're like wild animals. Yes, that's that's a good question answer because
this is like a like a boar situation. Or is that or is that
a knowledge role? Can I roll to know if goblins knowledge role? Thank
you? Okay, what what sort of knowledge? Let's say knowledge nature?
Knowledge nature? Okay, dooky, we're landing things today? Oh yeah,
do I have to roll anything to make up to make a wagon for my
turtle? Give me a survival role? But the DC is pretty pretty easy.
I could probably get help from the local craftsman. They love me.
Now, well, look, most of the local craftsmen are drunk right now.
That doesn't mean they're not better at this than me. Still, well,
it's not too difficult because plenty of the bones have, like you know,
have kind of pre drilled holes in them already twenty to make my uh,
to make my turtle bucket really not loving that it looks really cool.
There's the goblin skull on your shoulder with a turtle head sticking out of it.
Now metallic metallica ZAM got a fifteen Nature check. Yes, this is
not Oblins are Goblins are pretty common? You are aware that they are small
humanoids. They're typically you know, at odds with with the what we're considered
the more civilized races. They're generally they're generally considered uh, you know,
evil, but they are they are intelligent. So were these goblins slain in
perhaps attempting to conquer your lands, kidnap your animals, attack your people's and
us qualify under self defense? Yes? Does this industrialization mass slaughter is it
self defense? Cal is very I heard chicken the mayor looks. The mayor
looks at you in disgust, georsel He's like, we don't eat them.
We simply boil their innerds and use it and use them as ingredients. Well,
what about their outers? That seems wasteful. I mean, I am
recycling here, reduce, reuse, recycle, reanimate as I heard that from
a French chick once. So again the question was this, like self defense?
Are they trying to raise your village? What's going on? It's like,
well, oh, my lords, you you understand that goblin bandits are
not are not unheard of. In addition that the kingdom itself usually sanctions like
you know, hunts to like you know, to us to drive them out
of the woods and such. I mean, there really is no such thing
as a harmless goblin. Oh, I beg to differ. I point at
my shoulder again. All right, I'm less concerned with the goblins and more
concerned what is our goal for the nobbinging? What do we need to do?
Well? Yeah, who we need to nob He's like, I'm glad
you asked. He snaps his fingers, looking looking rather rather glad that you
asked that, as as cal was starting to look starting a little bit nervous,
let's just put a pin in this whole murder thing for a minute.
I don't like, let me just let me just add in addition to the
townsfolk, there are guards there, and each of the guard and there's at
least there's at least three guards around the pedestal, and there are six guards
surrounding the place, each each manning a like catapult. So I'm just letting
answer my question. They seem very pleased for me to have asked. Being
dramatically unarmed has never stopped us from doing something egregiously stupid. Oh, I
definitely armed. Yeah. He snaps his fingers, and a lineup of townsfolk
and towns children start approaching the cauldron. And they start, like, you
know, putting in armfuls of which you can assume are the are the harvested
versions are portions of rod root, because it's all the same. It looks
like, you know, plant matter. They're just tossing it in, letting
it boil. So you're the first part of the nobinting, I have the
idea of what the second part is. You considered a vegan alternative to the
second part of the nobting. Have you considered the wonders of a plant based
diet? Have you considered not mass murdering? Maybe? Well, see look,
broad root itself is not yes. In fact, the only the only
things that eat rod root are some of the local some of the local monster
is that that hide and hide in the woods. In fact, they're quite
fond of it. But but we that's why we try to cultivate as much
as possible near the village. But as far as humans go, it is
it's inedible. They are quite fond of this route. That you are cooking
in large abundance is the sense something we should be concerned with, not at
all. This is why we have security, my lord's of course, yes,
yeah, yeah, So you're not saying intimate monster raid won't happen.
You're just saying you think you're prepared for it. Indeed, But don't let
don't let that word you drink make merry, because it is almost time for
the second part of the nobbening. Before we get on with the second part
of the nobbening, I just have a point of order on this whole my
Lord's thing as such, as, my Lord, if there is an imminent
monster attack, is saving your ass part of our whole job or can we
just let you die? He once again looks nervous. It's like, well,
I would hope, as I am under your protection, my Lord,
and I am a humble public servant, that yes, of course you would.
You would save me and not like you know, and not callously leave
me to die as you left the goblin, a terrible ruler. Would you
are making a lot of assumptions today, that's true. This man has never
met me. Okay, got it now, Now I know where power we're
all looking at this situation. You may proceed with the ben part of the
no ending, all right, feeling about this? He pulls, He pulls,
pulls a whistle from on a chain, from from beneath his shirt,
and he blows on it. It makes a shrill sound that carries far,
and the town starts cheering. I hate it when public officials speak in dog
whistles. For the record, cal is just kind of casually slowly engine closer
to the guy Telliccazan would like to cast made armor because he sees where this
is going. Yeah. The guards that are around the brasier there, they
kind of do notice, you know, but and a few of them looking
Look it's okay, my lord's we have this under under control. No,
no need to be nervous. As the crowd continues to cheer, and from
the north, if anybody wants to plants to scroll, you see eight four
guards leading a group of goblins. Oh hell, now that are that are
all in that are all in chains and such and you notice, interesting enough,
most of the goblins appeared to be goblin children except for one of them.
Okay, cal is grabbing the mayor and throwing him in the in the
cauldron, and that's why I cast major. Is that A that a strength
check? I'd say that's a that's an attack that that's definitely an attack role.
And I'll say that you know the mayor's not expected because all eyes are
towards where they're marching it as people, as people are cheering, are pretty
much chanting knob knob, knob. Oh. This is not gonna go well
for anybody. I'm just glad I got my skull early. That was a
smart move, smart move, all right, So I'm making that with advantage
or I expect I'll have more selection of skulls short time. But oh,
human skulls are much bigger. If one of you dies, can I have
your head for mel Oh? Stand you're really large? Now? If you
die, can I put a turtle in your skull? My friend? Will
you please fucking focus? We're about to fight an entire fuck. Is that
just a standard attack roll? Or is that must be Tuesday? I'm gonna
say it's with an advantage. If you get advantage, would be to like
pretty much. And I'll say this, so if you get five, you
can attack and grab him with one action. However, if you get five
or above his parmer class, which is not very good. He's just wearing
normal clothes, you can lift him up and toss him with with your move
action as well. Cool, all right, let's do this. That is
a fifteen. He's fucked as the like you know, as the mares are
going nob nob Suddenly he's lifted up and he's like, okay, what's what's
happening? As you throw him into the into the molten breezure as his skin
immediately starts like you know, starts bubbling from the from the boiling oils of
rod roots, and he starts screaming. And at that point a few of
the like townspeople kind of notice turn their heads and notice because they think they're
like, what the god they threw the goblins in early as they see the
mare and panic breaks out, rot root soup isn't vegan anymore. Stan will
clap his hands and say, attention, townsfolk, there has been an abrupt
change of management. Also, there's a new schedule for the nobbining. Jorcer,
the Sorcerer likes not how nobbining is commencing. This is a this is
your family's bullshit. Yeah, and it's not going like I'm supposed to.
But Jucer has an idea. This is I know how to bring the nobbening.
I know how to spread the spirit. All right, well the nobbing.
Why don't we all get into initiative and see how that goes. Jucer
will mount his steed. You have a steed. What we did? Ride
horses here? Yeah? Right? The tall ones rode horses. I rode
up pony with the turtle riding on my shoulder. Yeah. Is the true
message of the nomening, the friends we made along the way, the true
message of is never taking these fuckers down. Why don't you all roll initiative
and then and then we'll see what what happens. Metallicasm got a twenty two,
Alphonse got a six cal rolls of fifteen. Of course he does,
stan go to twenty one. Oh fuck or rolls a natural one. Of
course he does. That's fine. Georster's plan of action is not dependent on
his initiative role. That's not all right concerning at all User's plan of action
does not rely on initiative, that's all. Yeah, I shall save the
opening. I don't know if this somehow well, I wouldn't let me take
anybody off this U there's two George ros I can't begre how to get one?
Oh? This is great. I love it when other people have issues
with a role twenty and it's not just me typing to Judy in the chat.
Please save me. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, all
right, Metallica Zam. Cal is just throwing the mare into the into the
boiling oil, where he is screaming and claw trying to clause way out and
obviously on fire. It's your turn. What would you like to do?
Well, Metallica Zam can see the way the winds are below, and this
is what we do. Man. Oh yeah, that's why Metallica Zam is
going to drop a bless spell, which he will apply to Cal himself,
and oh god, who might actually help us get out of here? I
have a turtle to protect. Yeah, yeah, I don't think Talkin's gonna
do it. Alphonse gets the other version of bless and then with the move,
Metallica Zam will very briskly move over to this little area where he's not
as easy to hit. Why we hang on. I go right there behind
the car, so I'm not an easy shot line for any of the guards,
literally ducking down behind the car. To be clear, Stand, I'm
squish. This chaos is is erupting in front of you. And yes,
the mayor is is screaming as his flesh boils off his bones. What would
you like to do? Well, Drue said, The words weren't going to
help, but I disagree. I'm gonna cast vicious mockery on one of the
guards guarding the goblins, say, hey, you, if you don't fall
in line, anything you'll be gobbling is day's nuts. Fourteen wisdom save the
guard gets a six and he takes full psychic damage. And I hope I
heard his feelings. Well, yes, you heard this feeling is quite a
bit considering the mayor was one of his cousins. I mean, based on
the screen, still is quite true? Anything else? Stand, No,
that's what love got. I think it had just dropped the mic. Now
remember you get a D four to your attacks, buddy, Yep, I'm
just making sure now, yep, Okay, hold on a second, I'm
just making sure I have everything. A thing happened with my screw. We
happened with my screen. Fourth in my name and do good works. All
right, let me just okay, I can get to there. Cal is
gonna move thirty feet to this first guard and attack twice. I got my
extra attack list, turn this level. All right, let's do this.
That is that twenty this is applied. That's the first one. Second attack
is a the second attack is a twenty five damn for damage and all right,
yeah, four damage and eight damage and we are going to drop a
first level divine smite. Oh we are not remotely fucking around. This whole
fan was going down and that is eight radiant. Okay, bringing the Garlands,
motherfuckers. If there was any confusion before that, one of their their
lords has gone mad because technically everything else anybody else has done has been a
spell. At first they were confused because you threw their beloved mare into the
fire, and now you're just walked up and essentially hacked off the head of
one of the town guards, sending it flying with radiant energy. Holding one
bitches, Ford Carlin's gone mad, I'd virtue maybe all right. The first
of the first wave of the guards. It's their turn. Yeah. So
these two guards here, they start loading the catapults. They load it and
they aim at that. That is their action, A real close to that
catapult. Yes, you're one guard. Yep. One guard stays with the
coblins. He turns down. It's like on your knees, scum. I
don't care if your refugees or not. Oh, I really don't like you.
He starts racing up. Let's here, do not release that load.
He can only get tom out there. Let's see these two start loading their
catapults. These two start loading their catapults for for firing next round. One
of them does shout, it's like, surrender now, you know when the
name with the Kingdom of Zamil and the town of Nabat nab dend. Oh,
I'm technically your buss. You surrender now. It's not my taxes that
pay your salary, jackass, literally pay your salary. There there is that,
But you didn't really use diplomacy so much as you just started killing them.
So they're kind of panicking. Yeah, we just retired your friend.
You have the option of a much easier you know, maybe just take a
little time off all right, So so more of the guards jump to action.
So one of them does reach you, Cal yeah, but only hits
a nine ac fuck. I'm gonna assume that the one who approaches you stands
since uh you haven't you all you do was cast a spell, and I'm
gonna say, perception wise he missed at in the confusion. He goes up.
He's like, Lord stan your your your friend has gone mad. Please
please stop him. So this so the other one of the other guards,
having seen cal rampage and hack off. Somebody said, he goes to you,
to jeoris or in pretty much is doing the same thing. Lord Jewish,
for the name of your uncle, please put an end to this madness.
I have every intention of doing so. This is not the spirits of
the nobden. And one of the other guards is trying. It is trying
to help you know the mayor out whether or not he will be successful.
I guess we'll see. The mayor does not look in good shape. Go
figure. Boiling oil tends to be bad for one's complexion. But that brings
us to Alphonse. You and it's not your turn yet. Oh and alphons
standing next to you in case you are wondering, that's just the townsfolk.
So Alphonse will use one of his Monk of the Sun soul abilities and cast
invisibility upon himself, and then I will move. I get forty feet of
movement now, but I'm only going to use thirty of it to go straight
down the center of the street towards this southernmost catapult. And just I'm just
hanging out, being invisible about ten feet away. Hang out, you know,
as you hear scream story, Lord Alphons has disappeared. What a dark
day? God damn right it is which brings you? What's that which brings
us to you? Orser Jonson has a plan. He knows how he can
fix them up everything. I'll be okay. He's gonna straighten it right out.
He must ride with haste back to the observatory. Okay, where would
you like to go? I mean, because you have to get on your
standing right now. I'm on a horse on the map. You're not on
your horse. I am, I said, I mounted my steed. There
was no horse next to you. You said we rode here on steeds.
Yes, yes, you rode here on steeds. You're not walking through the
town on him all right, you get the fucking cavalry, oh I am,
But you can see on the map where there are horses. All right,
Look, if I know where the stables are, I shall go fetch
my steed. Otherwise literally horses standing around all over the town. Whatever.
Yeah, I want to find a fucking horse and go to the stable.
Stables are to the north. Okay, yes, behold my escape. So
that's what you're doing. You're moving, you're moving, yes, double movement,
a regular movement. Double. I need to give that observatory, all
right, noppening is on the line. All right. So Alphonse has disappeared,
cal has gone mad, and Jucierer has abandoned them like a coward.
Exactly how I expected the stay to go as full as full on panic has
descended. Now, what would you like to do? Okay, metallica'sam,
while he is ducked down behind the cart, will use his bonus action to
quickly cast the spiritual weapon, which manifests nowhere near him. It manifests right
over here by the guards who are manning the catapults, And as soon as
he's done casting, metallic Exam will leap up and yell treachery. The fog
has clearly been poisoned. These strange effects are affecting my flushing friends, who
among you has turned against the barons, and the sword will attack the lower
guard. Amazing. Alright, all right, it's like sound tactics. The
fock's wrong with you. I mean he's pretty good at kill him. That's
kind There we go and it rolls a natural one. I don't think the
defour is gonna help. Nope, unless they're ac is twelve hope. Your
spiritualping just clangs and pretty much meaning your speech is kind of like pointless.
Well, I mean that was just to kill the guy. The speech was
just so chaos. Oh, do you want me to do a persuasion check
for that? The smoke was poisoned thing? Sure, it's worth a shot,
oh twenty not control. It's something like reassuring about a robot voice.
Right, it's very logical. Just ask a looks, all right, do
you screamed? That's I'm gonna say the town smoke within about twenty feet of
you, since it is pretty chaotic. Now they hear you, and they
add that the cast going, oh, we've been by witched, We're poisoned
to the Hall of flesh. They'll protect us. I mean them leaving is
still helpful for us. So I'm good with that town. People start to
run and stampede a future you see a few children get get trampled. All
right, Stan, all right, if this guard is still still standing next
to you and he's like, he's like, do something, the lord,
you're it's all we've we've been cursed. All right, I'm going to I'm
just gonna lean in close and say, look here, man, what you're
seeing here is a rather violent regime change. So what do I want you
to do is just take the rest of the day off, go home,
change into your cities, come back with a pitchfork, and get on the
right side of history. Okay, why don't you give me a persuasion role?
For that role of persuasion? Four? Well, not very much.
Four. It looks at you, it's like the whole letter, Yeah,
the whole being like a seven foot half fork now is Yeah, that was
a seven persuasion shack. All right, So that was an action. You
still have a moving a bonus if you'd like, Okay, what can I
do with a bonus? Look, I mean I could stab him. That
seemed that would definitely. I'm gonna give him the chance. And if I'm
gonna move, I guess I'm gonna move to back up. I didn't see
where all funds. Whyn't he tell? Invisible? Not helpful. I guess
I'm going to use my movement to back up metallic Evan. All right,
I'll say you can do so without without up attack the guard. Your words
caught him off guard, but he wasn't quite threatening you yet. Okay,
well I tried. I guess we'll just kill him, all right, dal
all right, you've drawn first blood. There's there's there's a guard next to
you. There's plenty of guards close to you. There's another one that was
trying to talk to Georser before bug the funk out of town. All right,
if I pull into this alley between the two buildings, can I limit
their access to me, their ability to come at me like one or two
at a time. Yeah, I mean yeah, all right, I'm gonna
pull back about let me see here, yeah too, about there? Give
you will give one of them an okay, all right, hold on hmm,
I wanted Oh fuck it, he's not in his right mental state.
All right, we're gonna which he are you referring to exactly as being not
in his bright mental state? Because this is how we always are. I
know, good point, and today calls one of us. Yes, wow,
welcome to the thunderdomb bitch hes he misses with the ten. That is
a twenty two on the first attack, and that is another twenty two in
the second attack. All right, well, I hope we don't have to
pay to hire all new guards. No, that's fine, we can get
less racist ones. Yeah, I mean, honestly, these died pretty easy
anyway. Yeah, I mean all these things are true. How much damage?
Twenty one total? Another god head goes lopping off as more screamed,
Oh my god, what is happening? All right, so here's the deal.
Let the goblins go and I'll stop killing you. Lord call has gone
mad. No, No, I'm pretty sure I'm the only same one here,
mel Is. He's attacking his own people. You're here like accusations through
How dare you choose goblins over your own kind? I'm a half off motherfucker.
This is not the spirit of stupid. Close them can't read? All
right? The guards turn, So let's see here, these guards let loose
with their ballista, and that blista is aimed at you. Cal Yeah,
this is coming in as a plus five, that's only a twelve. Nope.
So a big rock slams into the ground and h and misses you.
You're too close for these two to fire at they hold. These are the
ones back your hold fire because they don't see since Alphonse disappeared. However,
stand and uh and uh. The other guards heard heard this. One guard
yelled Trader, So they let loose and fire at you. Does a twenty
one hit? Yes, he wants to take a piss, Yeah, twenty
one. Wow. I've never seen somebody get so lucky with getting hit by
a boulder. He only takes five damage. Wow, even guys on and
I rolled the one one three. That's gotta be a subtle intimidation check.
Just taking a boulder to the face and stained. It's like passive intimidation,
like passive perception, but cooler. Yep, all right, Cal, two
more two more guards can match you a twenty two and a fifteen twenty two
hits. All right? He stabs you for two all right, I have
blood from my cause, bitches. This guard here, in an attempt to
keep order, he starts whipping the little goblin children because they were starting to
cheer for you. Shut up. It's the cauldron for the Oh, somebody's
getting the sword, Okay, I mean if he's lucky. If he's not
lucky, I'm going head donkeys with him. However, the goblin leader,
even though he's chained, leaps up and attacks this guard. Let's see,
shut and he hits. He doesn't do a lot of damage, but he's
uh, he is engaged with this guard. Now he's trying to wrestle his
weapon out of his hand. Give me, somebody, give me odds or
evens. Oh, roll a D one hundred seventy one. Okay, this
guard manages to pull the mare out, but you can tell right away that
the mayor is Yeah. Raiders put down. Yes, I know a necromancer
who can put that to good use. This guard comes after you, Stan,
Oh, I told you to go home? Does a twelve hitches?
Stan? It does not? Okay, Alphonse, you you are invisible,
well not for long. And you saw you saw these guards fire their catapult.
Yes, and that's why I'm standing here with my thumbs pressed together and
my hands outstretched as outcast burning hands towards the catapult which has a range of
fifteen feet and it's a fifteen foot wide cone. So that's gonna say that
these two guards will need to make a dexterity saving throw. It was my
spell saved DC is fourteen, so they'll need a fourteen ducks save and I
will be neither makes it. Well, they'll take ten if they take full
damage and half on a fail. And yes, anything flammable that is not
carried will catch fire. All right, the catapult is on fire, and
both the guards look very singed. Well or hold on, I still getta
move right, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm still very small.
So I'm gonna go over here. I'm gonna move Yes, I am going
to I don't get me there. I'm gonna move over here to this house
and put my back to a wall. All right, georcerer, hold on,
hold on one. Give me before you before you start mounting any steeds,
give me a perception check. All right, Well, you ain't mountain
a mountain something. It's not gonna be able. All right, What else
are you doing, George? Rather than that's an action? What else?
Well, I mean, there's a horse right in front of me. I
would like to get on its back. I kind of a suit. God
damn, I assume that's what you meant. I mounted it, but maybe
I was wrong. What sort of do you take? Before? I must
ride with all haste to the observatory. Okay, bye, there's much one
opportunity to say the nomining What that's a metallic exam? Do you know what
he's talking about? I don't know what he's talking at that, Since this
is gonna happen pretty quickly, metallic exam. Before you go, the screams
of the crowd become even more high pitched, and it doesn't seem to be
in your direction, Josper as you begin, as you take the horse and
you turn to ride out of town. Your Unfortunately, your two perception does
not help as you look up only to see a massive penis come flying at
your face. Mother, there's a fourteen hitsues your swear, I don't think
so. Let me check your decks is always been ship? Shut up?
I'm looking? Oh wow, yeah, that absolutely his me. Okay.
A A massive ogre steps out from behind behind the stables and swings its hips
with its engorged member and clobbers you in the face for fourteen points of damage.
Oh on, why hello damage, He's probably gone like a call,
as all around you hear roars of rage as people like, oh no,
it's the engorged ogres. They're here for the ram root or the rod root.
They can have it. Yeah, it's fine, it's just that it's
a bit ary. Now. But metallicism, oh boy, there's a version
that's smarter, and then there's a version that acknologies. The metallicism gives a
shit off, calives or dies. So metallicasm will yell. The poison has
spread, The guards are turning. All is madness. I must attempt to
cleanse the poison. Everyone stand back, and then he will move right here,
and sorry, stand almost everybody is perfectly out of range. If I
center the fireball right here, as if I'm trying to get rid of the
ram root, wonderful, No right there, Yeah, it the funnest right
here. So he's twenty twenty is there's road root all over the freaking town.
But the poison road root is in the caul drip, which is already
boiling. So basically you're going to hit boiling oil with more fire. All
right, that's fine. Yeah, it's a lie man, I'm just excusing
why I'm about to go and drop a fireball in the middle of town and
what is that twenty twenty foot and it's going off of this square right here?
Can you see my arrow? Yep? Okay, I can never remember
what's what's so? Yeah, this one right here, so that unfortunately,
while stand will be singed tallicism will be safe. You say singed, it's
only twenty fire damage and a DC fifteen safe, we'll see, I mean,
okay, you should be heartier. No, there's more surface area to
spread the agony of cross. Yeah, that's sounds like a disadvantage. See
how the car and just yeah, thank you. I do get a deck
save of seventeen, and I will also while they're doing those, I'll roll
the Justice slash to cut Southern guard again and see if we have any more
luck. All right, that is A fifteen and let me add my D
four for bless so nineteen total to hit the guard by the blister with the
sword. All right, you basically stabb him in the back and he just
falls over dead. How's your fire ball goes off? Stan? How how
is your how is your save seventeen decks than I have uncanny dodge. Okay,
so this guy dies, this guy is burnt. This townsfolk, this
innocent towns folk who has done nothing to you, is dead. This innocent
towns foker did nothing to you is dead. Yeah. Yeah, save the
guilt trip for someone who's not a ten man. You gave us a town
full of mass murderers and expect us to feel bad when they're atomized. Rick,
I'm his friend, and he still set me on fire. There's a
long tradition of setting her friends on fire here. It wouldn't be an indie
game if I didn't front the fireball somebody. Okay, well Stan, what
would you? How would you like to respond? That's a a sudden and
fun night before me. I don't know. That seems to be taken care
of itself. Oh, this town's persons likewise dead. I still have this
gun here. Somebody you hear somebody you hear a child scream mama. Again,
it seems to be taken care of itself. I'm not a fireman.
I'm a funck hero all rightside me? Is he still adamant on attacking me?
Yeah? I mean he's a little burnt up, but he's like what
it's like you a trier. Well, I did give him a chance.
Okay, Junior, let's dance. I will stab him. Four does ten
hit? No, ten does not. We're having a rapport, Okay.
I don't think that's how you pronounce fight anything else. Stand. I do
have a bonus. I could stab with my dagger, but I believe my
current curse weapon means that I am purely dedicated to my rappier Matilda. Yes,
okay, so in that case, I got nothing, I'm just all
right. I'll slug it out. Cal all right, your name? You
have one guard, one guard close to you, because one just burst into
flames and died. Okay, how singed? Is the guard close to me?
Looking sections? Buildings are starting to burn as well. I mean you've
taken them from a completely unharmed two deader than fox. So okay, all
right, I think if he has a hangnail and you nail him, you're
probably good. All Right, We're gonna attack this guard that is a twenty
one okay, and ten points of damage more than enough to end him,
all right, and we are moving called it right over here. Hopefully that's
close enough that the catapult can't shoot me. And I took the attack action.
But I was only able to use one attack. And I use a
second attack on this guy, or do I need to use both attacks with
one action. I'll let you I'll let lets you go. That's d M
speak for fuck it. It's cooler if he can do the other thing too,
all right, that is a seventeen to head. Oh already, right,
chastis on a pilot dead gods, right, and that is eight damage.
All right, he's still up just for this goblin like turns his head
like he's like nag. He's like, it's like to you, you've been
slayer. Just just for the record, the cost of hiring new guards is
totally coming out of your portion of the gob knob schlop juice fund. That's
fine, they'll be less racist than then we can build this town a new
economy. We're gonna have to build this town a new town too. I
fear you have all underlooked the problem of the god supply once we stop the
fascist exploitation. But perhaps one problem at a time, Yes, one problem,
Like I said, I don't new economy. All right, Well,
it's the guards turn. There's one guard close left, close to you.
And he misses pathetically with an eight. These guards here are are seeing the
ogres, which all appear to have permanent massive erections more relative. They're trying,
they're panicking, but they're but they're reloading their their catapult. These guards
down here are attempting to put out their catapult. Maybe the ogres are hardy
for justice. I knew a stripper named Justice once. I think the overs
guard, you kill a lot of guards, all hold on, all right,
the ogres. So another ogres, the ogre that, I'll say,
he doesn't get to another attack, the one who the one who slapped you,
This ogre steps in here, meet clubs to death. This this town's
person. What a way to go where there's a mimic shaped like a van
that knows its pain. All right, So this one misses, this one
kills this person. I say again, a horrific death by massive phallus con
stress that and one comes swinging his long at you alphons. These people basically
burn to ogre y at cray. I'm not sure how much sympathy we're supposed
to muster. I'm I'm thinking, I'm thinking that his dick is probably bigger
than me, does it tend to get you, Alphons, No, all
right, then it slams into the ground. You're gonna need to do better
than that. The ast more plant. I canna have all the plant They
fucking wan they're overs, They're not really here to like talk, Alphons.
It's your turn. Okay. Well, I was gonna stick with the whole
burn up the ballista thing, but now I'm rethinking destroying the ballista. I
have an ogre dick we need over my head, just just putting that out
there. We're meat club. Well, I'm going to make an unarmed strike
at his meat club, and then if you want to spend a key point,
I'm going to spend a key point for flurry of blows on said meat
club. Okay, I'm blowing the over meat club. Yep, sure do,
and then I will Okay, so the first unarmed strike, Dick John
does a fourteen hit, Yes, six dick damage, all right? Then
my bonus over pleasure pleasure, I can turn to pain because of a fourteen
hit. The fifteen hit yep, so that's nine more all right, and
then my flurry of blows will get should give me two more sho give you
an ejaculation is that going to be the thing if we are unarmed strikes.
Yeah, so that's a twenty one. There's your test of Cal's morals for
six more damage, all right, and another and a final twenty one four
six more damage. So that's a total of fifteen. That's a total of
twenty seven damage to the giant ogrecot. You slap that sausage something fierce.
I have experience at such things. My order does not require a vow of
celibacy, just saying, all right, jorceerer, oh on u for the
sake of the nobbening, I must reach the observatory. I saw my horse.
I will suck up an opportunity attack and rode to the observatory. Should
really rephrase it, I mean to the end, commit to the bit only
at ten? Well, guess what, I didn't hear anything. What's your
armor class? Yeah? That hits? Why is it? Why do you
have a negative of the class? Ten is positive? Zero? Ten is
ten? Ten? Is you getting slapped with an ogre deck? Ten?
Hits? All right? So George for I'm gonna need a deck save as
uh you get uh knobbed in the back of the head. I'm gonna say
DC thirteen. Otherwise you get porked off the horse. So many tends and
none of them are good. No, no, all right, you are
knocked off your horse, off your high horse. Was Georgs are gonna help
if he got to the hall of flesh? Is the Ogre saving us?
All? All right? You get knocked off your horse. You're lying on
the ground looking up at at Ogre scrowed him alphons you just visit. You
just fished slapping some meat. Cal, You've pretty much gone on a on
a vengeance fueled murder festkls. John wicked his way through this town, drew
a sword and fucking went. You talked a lot. I mean, you've
got nine minutes left, so it's if it had to have. Oh is
that? I'm really just more worried about what Mel thinks of me now.
See Al has a hold new outlook on life now that he's a parent.
Hello, Oh god damn it, he's back. What's the last thing you
heard? Yeah? I was able to hear you all the time. I
Mike just died. Oh what's the last thing you about? Cal? John
wick in the town. Okay, So basically I was saying I was saying
that that Stan managed to do a lot of talking and Matt kazamb you almost
set stand on fire, which sounds like a good place for us to leave
off on this episode of Salty Pastords. We'll have to see about next time
if our stall group of stalwart adventurers survives the nobbting, what a fucking awful
time for my mic to die. Thank you, Rick. We APPRAI big
hand for Rick for going to all the travel of the nast and can we
get an extra hand for our tech Ben Robinson, who really busted his ass
to make this. Wil Authors and Dragons is brought to you under Creative Commons
License, meaning you were free to share this interiums along as credit is given
to those who created it, which is us, the people you just heard
to play the game opening and closing themes performed by the Gore Core four