Hey everyone, Robert here, writer and producer of Chair of Swords. If
you've listened to Chair of Swords before, you know that we had a complete
season release and it was out for several years. Well, we decided to
go back and redo it. There are several reasons for this, but the
main one is that many of the actors we used are no longer recording,
so instead of releasing season two, we decided to go back and redo season
one. We also did this because season one was one of seven Lamb's earlier
efforts, and we've learned a lot about audio dramas over the years that we
want to apply to Chair Swords now. Don't worry, though, many of
the episodes will be quite similar to the originals, but we are adding new
jokes and scenes to spice things up. So whether this is your first time
listening or you're coming back from more, there will be plenty of new stuff
for you. We're releasing the first two remade episodes right now. We'll release
the other episodes later when we figure out a reasonable schedule. Then we'll start
on season two. So thanks for listening, everyone, and we hope you
enjoyed the newly remade Chair of Swords. Seven Lamb Productions presents Shiit of Swords
episode war Wolf. This here is a tale of chivalry, deception, war,
vigor, affairs, turmoil, and even a bit of laughter, but
not too much. We need you to take this a little seriously. This
tale is much like that of the Game of Thrones, minus the TNA,
because this is a podcast and you can't hear tits. The story begins in
the Dark Woods, an area that is not often traversed, that is,
unless it is to speak to the mystical Three, the three which has housed
themselves in the darkest corner, hiding among the brambles and thorns. Not many
make their way through the thickets, but some, some who wish to know
the future, just might And this is where we begin. King Leotard is
lying on his deathbed Night Night, that's Night kN Ight Night, and Ight
is on his way to see the mystical Three. Night Night, the bravest
of the goofy named Nights, was sent by the Council to find exactly what
the future holds. Easy, Petunia, Easy, it's okay. We'll be
rid of these woods soon enough. Oh there, Petunia, we have arrived.
There there is the witch's hut. Stay here, Petunia. Now,
night Night was a very brave fellow. It's how he became a knight with
a k He became a knight with an end because his father, Rold,
Lord of Breckinridge, had bet his mother, Lady Sweet Tea, in a
manner that was sure to have impregnated her. They went at it for hours
and hours. It was so freaking hot. Lord Rold Knight always wanted a
son, and when young Knight was born, it was Herold's wish that he
became a master with the sword. Now night Night lives in Ravenfall, home
to King Leotard. But King Leotard has fallen ill, and night Night has
been sent to the dark Woods for an answer to the King's fate. Witches,
I command you show yourselves, and who still commands us a weak warrior?
I am not weak. I once wrestled a bear and made him beg
for mercy? Did he actually beg? I heard him so much he was
forced to learn the King's language just to say please stop. I wouldn't let
him tap out. I guess for him, you could say it was unbearable.
Wow. Sorry, So what you're saying is a strong warriors present.
This is the case, What does he want from the witches of the dark
woods? First he commands you show yourself, So deed. Carthalos was the
eldest witch. She was grotesque, born from a man with leprosy and an
actual pig. Carthalis had a squashed nose wards down her body and smelled like
complete shit. It is I Carthalas, one of the witches. Three?
Where are your witch sisters? Behind you? Back back? I say,
The warrior is frightened. Nay, I am careful, worried about little old
Vice. Evict Vice Evict. The middle sister was equally as ugly as Carthalis.
She had thin, gray and mangled hair, a large hooked nose,
and burned skin down the right side of her body. She too, were
born from a leper and pig. No witches scare me. If that were
the case, I would not have traversed such land to reach the woods.
But may I ask, where is the third Hello? This was Jane.
She was the third and youngest sister. Jane was hot. Didn't make much
sense since she too was born from a leper and pig. But third times
a charm, I guess because she was fucking hot. Hi, I'm Jane.
I must say you are the fairest of the bunch. She is nat
chates the cards only the one time I meant fairest. Looking. What is
it that brings this warrior to us? I've come looking for an answer to
what question King Leotard is in trouble. I've been sent to find what the
future holds? Will the king rise again? The warrior comes from raven Ball.
I do what do the witches three gain from providing such an answer?
What do the witch's desire? I have brought coin. The witches don't desire
your coin? What do the three gain from riches in the woods? You
would be hardly rich. I've come with merely ten dollars, although I had
to pay a toll near the twins, so it's more like nine dollars.
Now your coin is not needed than what? Yes? Yes, what do
we desire you? I have an idea, Jane. Let the eldest decide
yes, yes, Let Carthalis choose. For Carthalis has chosen, and for
what has Carthalis chosen? It's been quite a time since the witch is a
better man? Is that so it is? You may have your answer?
Warrior, if you so desire, as long as you provide the three witches
with their desire. But which is three? Desire? The touch of a
man. But I have brungeth nine dollars? What about the nine dollars?
No need for your coin? Can I use a stick for what we're touching
you? So I don't need to get too close? No, that won't
suffice. I'm afraid I do not have it in me to bet all three.
But you will bet one? Fine? Who shall you choose? The
three sisters lined up before night Night? Jane Jane? Definitely Jane. I'll
fuck Jane. Jane. Jane's the one I choose. And what ticker does
and visivec get from such an arrangement? Not sure I really care. We
must partake in some way, Warrior. May we watch and pleasure ourselves?
This may make the Knight's manhood soft? No, for sure, it will
make my manhood soft. But if we do it from further away, as
long as I may not see nor hear thee sure whatever, for it will
be certain why the gods, I very much hope so. So night Night
slept with Jane while the other sisters watched from behind a far Rock and pleasured
themselves. After they finished, the witches invited night Night into their hut,
where they gathered around a glowing purple orb. Dark So, Dark Soul appear,
Yes, Dark Soul, grace us with your presence. The Dark Soul
has arrived, Dark Soul Warriors. He begs to know what's to come of
King Leotard. Yes, yes, yes, what does the orbs say,
King Leotard, Wilson co he is on his death bed Waria. He's got
like maybe two days tops. This cannot be, but it is. King
Leotard will fall, and what of Nimia. Nimia will see war. For
those of you who do not know which is all of you, because this
is brand new information. King Leotard may live in Ravenfall, but he is
not king of only Ravenfall. King Leotard is king of all of Nimeria,
the mountains in the north, the seas to the west, the grasslands to
the east, and the tundra to the south. All of Nimia was gained
when King Leotard took down Groaneth, also know as the Dragon Man. Many
have tried to usurp King Leotard. None have succeeded. None will need to
usurp the king now, for he will fall, and many will come to
kain the throne. You mean the chair, the chair of swords, the
chair of swords, who was fashioned many a year ago by weapons of all
thine enemies of Groaneth. It was built so that Groaneth could sit on the
weapons that were taken from his fallen enemies, as if to say, take
that, I am so much better than you. Who, then, who
will win the chair of swords? Many will fight for it. Lord Ferris
of the Coal Islands, King Julian from the Field of Dreams, the Hunter
of the Wall, King Phillips from Summer Rise, among others. All will
fight for the Chair of swords. War is me? Prepare yourself? Warrior.
Night Night was frightened by such news. He quickly ran from the hut,
climbed aboard his steed, and hit it straight for Ravenfall. Night Night
rode across the land as fast as a steed could bear. But his steed
couldn't bear because his steed wasn't a bear, It was a horse. Steed
means horse in Nimeria. Night Night made it to Ravenfall just as the sun
was setting over mammoth mountains. We have a arrived Petunia. You have done
well, Steed. I shall reward you with hay and oates as soon as
the council gets the horrible news I have made it back from the dark woods.
Wait. Wait, you cannot enter the council at this time, Big
Thumb. They wanted wood, yes, but they're incession. You must wait.
Big Thumb was a nickname given to Orris Tide, a big man with
big hands, but bigger thumbs. Big Thumb was master of coin. Many
thought the mischievous fat man to be quite cheap, and he was often caught
messing with Ravenfall's funds. Although the council seemed to know many misdeeds were going
on, they let Big Thumb keep his job, which may be due to
the fact that Big Thumb was known to be cunning and often talked himself out
of such trouble. He was so cunning he once stole a horse, killed
the horse, ate the horse, shit out enough shit to sculpe the horse,
then sold the shit horse to the person he initially stole the real horse
from. He claimed it was a real horse and while everyone knew it was
a pile of shit, literally. He was still able to make a couple
hundred bucks. But that was big thumb, a man who could eat a
whole horse and was completely full of shit, Big thumb. I must enter
patience, lad Wood must be spoken in due time. It's not easy on
anyone, regardless of your news, be it good or bad. Maybe fifty
fifty, although someone either dies or they don't, so odds of it being
split is quite improbable. What are you going on about? Sorry, I
fetch you when the council's finished. Fine. Oh and by the way,
nine dollars was not enough for the witches. I told you they would demand
more. I gave you ten. I had to pay a toll and ten
bucks wouldn't have worked either, you cheapskate. Let me know when they're ready.
Night Night was frustrated. News of King Leotard was urgent. How could
he stand by and wait? But he did. Night Night made his way
to the castle to the King's chambers. Night Night, you have returned.
Queen Arietta was elegant, but at times frightening. She had a cold interior,
but often hid it under a radiant glow. Her daughter, Princess Aspoda,
was much like her, but younger and not as cold. Queen Arietta,
Princess is Spoda, and the King's aid Georgis Hines sat around the king's
bed. The king lie unmoving. Have you brought word? I've brought enough
words to make an entire sentence. The witches have told me the king's fate.
But before we get to that, how is he? How is he?
He has a sword in his eye. He doesn't have much more time.
It's what I've been telling everyone. I don't know why the council sent
you to the dark words for an answer I've been given since he first took
the sword to the eye. But I know of his fate. Yeah,
so do I. He has a sword that has gone through his head.
He will die. I'm most suttain. Can you don't see night, Queen
Princess. He has a sword in his face. It sticks out at the
back of his head. So will father not rise again? No? No,
it is as I have said. He will die. But you are
only a lonely aid. I have practiced medicine. But what does your medicine
training tell you of swords and people's heads? It tells me that they die.
That's which medicine training tells you. That's what common sense tells me.
It is not often that one can sustain an injury such as a sword going
through one's head, and yet rise and prince about days later. My father
does not prince, nor will he ever, for he shall perish. The
witches have given the king two days. I give him another twenty minutes.
The fact that he's still alive is quite astonishing. But he will not last
much longer. But father is strong. That maybe so, But he still
has a sword through his head, so you mock him. I do nothing
of the kind. King Leotard is a brave man who has fallen like a
hero. He slipped on a banana appeal and fell on his own sword,
a common occurrence never happened before. Even a gesture has not performed such buffoonery
enough. I will not hear you talk ill of a man lying on his
deathbed, and not just any man, but the king of Naimia. I
understand, Queen Orietam, I shall halt my woods. It was at this
moment when the room fell silent night Night looked over to Princess Espodo, with
her rosy cheeks and busty Bosom and Assid could not quit even if he cut
its pay and took away its benefits, including dental Her sandy robe glided along
the floor as she made her way to her father's bedside. She held his
hand but did not take her eyes off the handsome Knight, even if the
King's aid believes traveled to the dark Woods were necessary. Thank you for making
such a long and treacherous trip, Sir Knight, of course, anything for
the King. You are very loyal, unlike these hoes the hose are never
loyal. Princess Espoda smiled ever so slightly, and night Night returned her cute
gesture with the thrust of his crutchel. Region Hind and Queen Arietta may not
have known, but the air was thick with love between the princess and night
Night. Sadly their love could never be because she was royalty and he was
not. Princess Apotter would need to be wedded to a prince that was the
King and Queen's wish. Knight, Yes, big thumb, the council will
see you now. Knight entered the large council room and stood in firm the
Council of eight. The speaker, an elderly man, named Anton Kilso stood
and addressed Sir Knight. So, night Night, what word do you bring
from the dark woods? Good news and bad? If that is the case,
we shall receive the good news first. No, I am sorry,
I only come with bad news. We would be pleased if Sir Knight would
present us with good news first to light in the mood. But I I
have none anything. Oh no, you must know something that is good.
I really do not please. We need good news. Any good news will
suffice. Oh, of course if it would please the council, it would.
The good news I present the council is is my blister that I had
on my biggest toe has finally disappeared? And what has happened to said blister?
I do not know. It just has gone away. Did you use
a cream? No? Cream? Wow, well that is good news.
We hear at the council are very pleased with your recovery. Now for the
bad news. Although we were kind of hoping the good news was about the
King, I told you I didn't have good news. No, the two
thing is nice. Yeah, I'm happy about it. Will Night's night.
What is the bad news? Ah? Yes, well I met with the
witches. Although apparently the king's aid. Georges Hind, also knew of the
king's fate. Witches the king will fall? Is that so? I am
afraid it is? How long do we have The witches say no more than
two days? Hind says about twenty minutes. Oh, then we are surely
fucked kill. So if the king can maybe last a day, he is
dead. The king is dead well, ship Georges Hind appeared in the doory
of the council. He walked up to stand next to night Night. The
king has been pronounced dead? Are you for shuita? It cannot be,
of course again. He had a sword in his face. I have been
telling you he shall not live. Yet you send at night night and a
day's ride to the dark woods to be with two ugly witches and one pretty
one. I should be more upset, but I got to lay with the
pretty one. Quite lucky. You are tell me about it? Do you
know what this means? Anton Kelso rubbed his temple and slid into his seat.
His knees were weak, his hands shaky. We will be without a
king. The royal army will seed, everyone will fight to claim the chair.
War will claim Naimia death. I foresee much death. What shall the
council do? What can we do? White to see? Who will claim
the Chair of Swords? Chair of Swords? Written and edited by Robert M.
Lamb, starring Brian Messick as the narrator, Robert M. Lamb as
Night Night Weissevich and Barrett Gina Coyle as Queen Arietta, Amber Simpson as Princess
Aspoda, Sane Sexton as hind, Amy Lay as Jane, Alexander Dotty as
Kilso, and Jack Austin as Big Thumb. Music provided by Kevin McLoud of
uncompetech dot com. If you enjoy this podcast, don't forget to rate and
review and visit seven lamb dot com for more audio dramas such as this one.
This has been a seven Lamb production.