S Comedy Central Podcast Hello. What. Such well, well, well,
I like it well, well, I come to tell you as always what
is happening to me in life. I' m always autobiographical. That'
s why, three years ago, he said he was just a dad.
That' s why last year he said he was a dad again. And
that' s why I' m now coming to tell you that I'
m going to be a dad for the third time, my next monologue.
Yes, thank you very much. Thank you, my next monologue. Surely
seeing, the path I take will be an approach to the wonderful world of
masectomy. Yes, it is, because I know that I say this that
I am going to have three and those that you have no children, but
you want to have them true you think today how beautiful three that you have
children and you know how bad you are thinking three these real assholes and Hijulio
Iglesias in his house will be thinking look at him three fans, three and
three very followed. Also, between the oldest and the little one they'
re going to take not even four very little years. Why so followed,
' cause I' m in a very fertile moment of my life. If
I basically play the baby, be very careful what you' re here close
to the stage in case you see that it' s a little bit or
something, because that could be with you too, kid because I' m
already at a point of rain and semino. I pollinate before starting this process
of having children. I did fertility tests for not shooting with blanks and took
a little boat to the fertility clinic. That' s how it shows not
to overflow as we were. I was glad in the morning and the next
day they called me that please take that from there that already the boats around
had my surnames. It' s also, in fact now to see I
' m not going to fool you now is not that I find many times
for it. But if the case happens and I get more turbot, it
has to be with a condom just in case, because that comes out on
a free path Okay, that goes to the ground, passes in huacara,
a cockroach, fecund and then I have a city councilman. I know there
' s not one thing that already implies having three children and it' s
that I' m going to spend 27 months of my life living with a
pregnant woman and with all the respect that I know how you carry the six
pregnancies, which is hard, uh, no, I want you to put
on the defensive. With that good thing what happens, what complains, for
you should see what would complain to you will become pregnant. You' re
right. We' d complain ten times more than you. Now you have
to admit to me that you wouldn' t even put your socks on us
for twenty- seven months together when you were pregnant. I mean, I,
I, my wife, I don' t know what racter has without
being pregnant, that the same is cool not to see she does it very
well. In fact, he is already aware, even of the mood swings
he has. The other day he left me with a question, a little
trap. I' ve asked myself hey, but really how much I feel
when I change my mood when I' m pregnant, not what happens,
honey, love I love you in case I don' t get out of
this one that sometimes everything that' s right in the world in a second
happens to be wrong and only you, just you, have the sensitivity to
appreciate it. Twenty- seven months together and we' ve been pregnant longer
than we haven' t been together, we' ve gone to the show
more times than to the movies. But don' t worry when that time
comes. Trust us. We' re gonna be there helping out,'
cause we' re gonna be there supporting. It is because we are looking
after you, because we love you and if you are angry because we fear
you, also yes, do not trust us in that aspect and we are
always very attentive to you. Look. There' s some news that corroborates
this that I' m telling you. A few months ago I read that
there was a couple on vacation. They were in their car together for a
refuelling sonera. The man got down there with the hose, the woman went
down to the bathroom and when the man had already filled the tank, he
got in the car and resumed the march, forgetting the woman at the gas
station and took a hundred kilometers to realize. You don' t know me
at all. Don' t look you' re a couple, you'
re okay. Imagine that you' re going together on a trip alone in
the car. I don' t know if it' s a bad mess,
but it' s just the two of you in the car. The
list is not very long. You go out to get gas, you go
to the bathroom, and when you get out of the bathroom, you see
that he' ll get away. You kill him truth or death and destruction.
At least the other day the gas- oiler told me a mezfolla,
because with reason too and the gas- oiler bravo, bravo, leave you
the other time, please, truth to see that is going to give me
the reason look. That man didn' t take a hundred kilometers to figure
it out. Not that man at 100 meters knew what he had done the
other ninety- nine kilometers and nine hundred meters what he was thinking. The
man was going to take little to see who has the balls to go back
to orologist solin was because he knows what he' s going to find.
Right, ah she' s not gonna be there saying. Let' s
see, please, I was talking about it with the gas station staff laughing.
Not really, I mean that man the first hundred meters I' ve
missed the other ninety- nine kilometers and nine hundred meters. The doubt I
had was going back to the gas station and I eat the fattest joke that
I have been thrown into my bloody life or taking advantage that I carry the
full tank, I throw to some place where they receive me more welcomingly.
As far as I know Afghanistan, we' re not going to be there
lieutenants of you. Yeah, I' ve been hanging on to the detail
and I realized that, having three kids, the house was getting smaller and
we had to move in. I realized that sometimes the language is not as
obvious as it seems and the situation is much less look We' re out
of my house waiting for the escans' elevator, with boxes, with bags,
with furniture, with the movers' waiters, in their movers' uniform.
He looks at the neighbor and tells me what to do about moving.
It' s not a drill. We' re seeing how to proceed in
case of a fire. It' s already seen you look, first the
furniture, then the boxes and the children. The last thing, if they
perish look we are fertile, we do better good. Look what nonsense happened
to me at the movin' house. We noticed what nonsense I wanted to
impress the movers. I mean, two guys I don' t know about
at all, I' m never gonna see again in my life. I
told myself I want to mark here that I still have three children, but
I' m powerful. Uh, so I said the biggest thing in the
house. I' ll take it out before they come and I presume I
' ll give you an eye and say look at the couch conches lonni everything
without dismounting it out. I took him to the door without problems, an
hour of no problems, but an hour of dragging. And when I got
to the door, I got half of it out, but the other half
didn' t And that wasn' t moving forward anymore, and at that
point we went down the stairs a neighbor. The neighbor is the one with
never, never changed a word with him. At most you said, hello
hello how it is and that' s it. But still. You think
that Gilipollas you know he says hello and you look like a buyo Well,
it turns out that the man tells me listen you want that he has made
a hand that I go without haste, no, because maybe it was not
Gilipollas worth not look. We stood there between two and a half hours sweating
more, not being able to do that. I didn' t move and
in the end I told him I said uncle really thank you very much,
but leave, because this we' re not going to get him out of
here in life. And he tells me ah was to pull him out hahaha,
yes it was Filipollas, yes it was true. We have now moved
a village that in the village is all quieter, because the city according to
the neighbor that touches you so to have a fuss and I had a neighbor
goodbye. We had talked about a church every time there was mass, it
would ring the bells. I was woken up to the kids that I was
ringing the bells so loud every time there' s mass. I think it
' s very little confidence in your product. If it' s really good,
he' ll come look down the neighborhood has no bells and by the
way, two minutes in April, they' ll pick him up home in
case something' s happened it' s already in the village. It'
s all another rhythm, all other rhythm, all you live in the city.
It' s horn today and it says go jam. I' m
in town. I hear Horns. I mean fucking melonero. It is.
It' s a very small town. Say it. It is a small
town of Asturias, very small. We are two hundred inhabitants and seeing the
middle age next year, surely we will be half. There' s a
lot of people out there walking around on the extension. Actually. In fact,
the other day there was a neighborhood meeting to see if they would put
a repeat phone and improve communication between the people I say man, for not
losing contact, I would put a daughter. Yeah. I believe I,
I believe I tell you what I think happens. I believe that, since
the road that reaches the village is narrow, death has not been able to
arrive in a long time and the work has been accumulating and the day that
it finally arrives, because it will not give enough of to let buses and
will leave there as an organized journey. The water damages above by saying to
see, please, that those born in the 19th century follow me. Let
' s go, let' s not small town, but it' s
fine. We have everything, we have bar, we have shop, we
have watertight, we have meetings. It' s all in the bar.
But we' ve got it all, the whole bar has it. What
you have no name because I have realized that in the towns, the business,
you don' t have to name it, because it will come to
you already. I mean, you set up a tea bar. Besides,
Manolo was going to be where Manolo boes is a kiosk or Tellamas. Luisa
was going to be where Luisa put a fucking tea. Besides, Germán'
s gonna be where the whores are. That' s another thing also involved
us getting into the third child, and that' s because we' ve
decided to get married at last. I was already playing not the goodbye,
single or I didn' t refuse the expected ones. Single no longer has
the incentive, not anymore. No. Now he' s a Christ.
Now it' s no use even meeting her in your town, in your
village. Let' s go get a pulp. The further away, the
better. I organized one of a colleague last year and told me my friend
Juan and I called Uncle for the farewell of this one we' re going
to do in London. There' s London. Uncle London is great,
because there we can drink and drive that colemia coto put him across the street.
Well, it' s not complicated. It' s gotten really complicated.
The solotero farewell is no longer good with come, because we go around
for dinner and then for drinks and then something that rhymes with utas. I
don' t know. Not now, now we have to do a multi
- adventure weekend. It is two years ago, in Winter we had the
ordered one and those who organized had the idea of looking, because the ordered
ones we have taken you a rural house. There in the mountains, in
Pyrenees we go in December and because maybe a little bit of freshness is not
prollamos two bottles of vodka for each one. I say good you have thought
about it and the next day we will get up soon at eight and we
will go down the mountain to hike what good idea eh thirty year olds without
sleeping drunk out loosely on the phenomenal mountain peronal i e is the Osopardo who
has become scavengers. It' s a look. This I swear to you,
it' s true that I organized. Every five minutes he took me
a colleague to put on an activity. Everyone had ideas. He was taking
one with me. Hey, man, we gotta go to some cards or
pointed carls. That' s enough. Today we have to make a claw
of perimol Painmol pointed. Hey, he hires a stripper stripper. I mean,
we' re going to have something in Spanish. Hey, if we
' re just gonna drink? And there' s already Drinking And there'
s Miran Castellano, no more fun, I don' t know, but
already when I had the list of the four things pointed out, or it
won' t give us time. Do everything, because I want to,
do it, we' re going to do it, but at the same
time it doesn' t have to be cool. Imagine he was half-
speed single. The city was riding in a car, a cubata in one
hand, a gun in the other. A new aunt hugged behind you for
a cop and says put I don' t know where to start eh hahaha
and Juanillo behind screaming. In London we had been delivered to the wedding,
Yes, the wedding, the wedding, yes, that we wanted to do.
I was already looking forward to it. Also, I was careful when
I gave the news that I married people to give contact is true, because
when you marry a friend it is a joy. When you get married five
the same year, she' s a fat fuck. I lived that three
years ago. Every time I met a friend, he gave me the same
news. I was David. Hey, man, I' m getting married
this year. I say ah for Guay Tira that we have a vogue and
good- bye and whores come Guay Then after three days I tell myself the
same thing Andrés. Hey, man, I' m getting married this year.
I was already passing the wedding in euros, not the single orders.
All right, the wedding' s a lot better. I really had a
lot better time, all right. The photos equal a long peline. The
moment is to get out of the ceremony, get out of court, get
out of the church. And the pictures there the door gets long, because
before that it marked the end the Camera of Reel. Thirty- six photos
and eating sometimes come two more. Throw thirty- eight just in case and
eat now not go to a memory card. It fits him in fifteen thousand
photos and see if there are eggs to fill it. And since we'
re deep imbeciles, we have to take all the pictures of the groups,
of everyone you can think of all the beginnings. The logic. The groom
' s family, well, the bride' s family is worth the groom
' s friends, well the bride' s friends don' t have anything
for it will be later, then, the raving begins. One saying come
on now put on whatever they know to talk. Two languages or more you
finish. Juanillo, asking me and I have done for an Italian put on,
also ponto, of course, that photo was very funny, because they
all say potato except Juanillo who comes out saying potato tatas. But the most
beautiful of the children are the children themselves. Besides, I' m sure
it' s going to change a lot now with the third, and with
the second it' s all different. With the second son changes everything from
the first. It' s not that the second one you love less.
Uh, we' re not the royal family, but you' re no
longer a first- timer and that' s a grade Look at us the
first time we separated from the oldest age to leave it with the grandparents you
already see that' s relatively safe. But I was already nervous. I
mean there, please, putting a little crimite on your ass when I put
a diaper on the inside on the outside doesn' t work. I know
from experience and he got rid of temperadito that if it' s too hot,
he spits it in his face and has aim the bastard with the little
one was already less painful. It was like Tamagola, eat up and shit
down. I mean, look at the third one. We won' t
cry anymore When we gave him up for adoption, he' s gonna leave
him on the ground. There in a blanket, ring the bell and run
away then some tear. It doesn' t make you sad and I mean,
man, yeah, the blanket was for the car. But, well,
it' s not. It' s not a wonder of the children
I recommend it. It' s wonderful. Recently we have lived a moment
with them, with the greatest moment between tender violent, funny uncomfortable, as
when you see on TV an interview with Rajoy you know that it was like
it was the moment of his first clear taco you kiss him there with his
three and a half years old, with that innocence, with that way so
funny that he has to talk like that at that age that suddenly raises his
head and says daughter of the great whore. I was angry at what I
had said, but proud of how well I had pronounced it. My wife
' s already taken him to hell. I was already in trouble blaming myself,
because I don' t know where he learned that, uh, because
I don' t say those things. Let' s see who' s
learned it. I mean, uh, don' t look at me.
Uh, I couldn' t learn that, because I didn' t say
that. She hasn' t learned it from your mother, that big bitch
' s daughter. And it' s not beautiful. The kids are beautiful.
Done, now I know things, but when it' s first-
time, there are certain things that enjoy too much. For example, the
first bath we gave the major at home alone. And we, without the
help of mother- in- laws or grandmothers, had put a portable morning
girl there in our bedroom. I took out Mario, with a week of
life, put him with the towel in the middle of our bed, turned
to take the diaper and my wife, with a lot of disappointment, told
me what you do to get a diaper, but why we' re screaming.
But how do you leave him there alone that he can drop jum to
see. He' s got seven days. The bed is two meters long
per meter fifty wide. I left the kid in the fucking geometric center.
The least it has to the edge of the bed is seventy- five centimetres
of journey, that is, how it will get there, if today it
is difficult to launder without shitting and wings that you have had a boy,
not a girl. It' s hard to find the middle ground in baby
care. It' s very very difficult, very difficult. Not to this
of the first- timer, of the alarmism for everything, or this of
the grandmothers of the village, which is that it has three months, for
it makes its own food. It' s not like I take the kids
out there for a walk, and if they' re very warm, then
they' re very warm, and then they get bad for anything. They
see me giving him a little potty and the same thing you give him those
things and then, of course, they' re allergic to everything Look at
mine. Look at mine. They were born and every month we were seeing
milk from the goat directly as it came out, without sterilizing or anything.
And so I raised nine children. Uh, well, three of them died
on me. Complicated, very complicated. I found it. Hey, I
found the middle ground in baby care. I' m an ash It'
s not for throwing flowers on me, but I' m a stepfather.
In fact, I' ve got the baby' s care so internalized that
I get out of it even when it doesn' t touch. For example,
I am, imagine, you and I are very colleagues. We meet
one day on the street and we give it to ourselves by giving an arm
and colpamaitas like this on the back. I don' t let you go
till you break out, I' ve been going for a while, and
you' re thinking. What are you doing, this asshole? But then
you throw him out and thank him. I' d like that. I
' d like my kids to do things that I like to do. I
like to do sports, for example. I' d adjust if they did
sports, too. But first they will have to learn languages because today you
either do a sport with exotic man, or it' s less sport.
Right, you do self- defense, you do shit, you do face,
you jamana and it was cool true. It' s but even for
the simplest of ranning you don' t. I don' t do reanning
yus something to run. You do fitness, no. I don' t
do fitness, I do weights, you do zumba, no, I don
' t zumbo. I' m looking at the basin. Hey what I
' m sure won' t change with the third one. It' s
gonna be what we want them to be, not that you' re having
more kids and you' re loving them less. No, because with the
children, one very beautiful thing is that with the children love does not divide,
it multiplies. That' s why I hope the third one comes with
a bread under his arm or with seven or eight, because if with three
the love multiplyes the bills and I don' t tell you boats anymore.
Thank you very much.