So I am often a third wheel or a fifth wheel. I often I
go out with couples a lot because most of my friends are married. Yeah,
I'm one of them. You are one of the You are one of
my wheels. You are one third of my tricycle. That's right. Actually,
I think that's the sex thing. I didn't mean it's way No,
it's tripod. They call me pod. Got it, got it, got
it right, right, right. But this thing happens, and it probably
happens to you too, like when you're with other couples. But this funny
thing happens. It happens a lot because I spend so much time with couples
that we'll be having a like normal conversation and I'll say something that I don't
know is a landmine between the two of them. And I can't tell you
enough how it's the most innocuous thing. How it's like it's like, yeah,
apple juice is great, but I prefer orange. Sheng Erica. I
realize that you have intentionally left six months in between this and our Italy trip
to try to disguise who you're talking about. It is. It is so
entertaining. You have no idea how funny. It's awkward, for sure,
but it's so entertaining. I also, I was recently traveling with another couple
friends and they were delightful the entire time there was but every once in a
while I could see the two of them being like, we will fight about
this the minute she leaves, the minute we will have this out as soon
as this one is out of the way. I'm speaking as someone from within
a couple. I can tell you that, yes, that is exactly what
happened. I was with the group once and my husband and I had had
one of those moments and I called it off and then I said, I
refuse to be out loud to everybody. I was like, I refuse to
be one of those couples that starts fighting in front of everybody. And one
of our friends was like, Oh, don't worry. If you became that
couple, no one would blame you. We all know it's his fault.
Hey, I'm Paul in America, and this is that aged well yesterday's pop
culture. Today, Paul is just grinning at me like like a game show
host on crank. I can't I think we would be good game show hosts.
Oh, we're good at everything. Soviously we would be a good game
show except running. We're not good at running. Either one of us is
a runner. Believe me when I tell you, audience, no bigger truth
has ever been spoken on this podcast. We have missed trains and been like,
we'll run for the next We're not running. We're not running. Yeah,
we'll sit. We are five feet away from this thing that is moving
that. The thing about trains is there's another one in an hour. I'll
go get it. I'll go go to croissant. I'll be fine, Erica.
We have a five star Apple podcast review. Shall I read this one?
Absolutely? Okay? This is from film Lover Lover l OvR lover right
lover lover like Laverne and Shirley. They write canonically great, my new favorite
movie podcast. I found Paul through the Devilwars product episode of Movies That Made
Us Gay. Oh that's very nice. You know, Movies that made us
gay in Us? We both just appeared in the January February issue of The
Advocate. That's right. High five to Scott and Pete as quintessential queer podcasts.
That's right. Okay, So film Lover wrote, I found Paul through
The Devilwars, proud episode of movies that made us gay, and I knew
I had to hear more. Now I'm listening to the back catalog and just
subscribe to the Patreon. Oh fantastic, because I can't get enough of Paul
and Erica. Very few movies have aged well, but it is so wonderful
to hear their funny and insightful takes on. Why may I suggest The Rock
for a future episode? It would be a good opportunity to break out the
Sean Connrie voice. Am I mistaken in saying that mister Nicholas Cage is also
in The Rock? Mister Nicholas Cage. Oh, it's such a good movie,
Paul. Here's how good that movie is. I saw it in the
theater. I was like, I don't know, I don't know when it
came out. I was like a teenager, Yeah, teenager remember go who
like loved a rock concert every once in a while, who listened to music
loudly on her earphones. Okay, sixteen year old me was sitting in that
movie going, can you turn the volume down? This is this is a
lot, this is very shrill. Riot girl Erica was like, wow,
Wow, this movie is like fucking Courtney Love could have been in that theater.
I'd been like shrill. This is shrill, right, don't. I
don't care for it. I don't care for any of this. We should
do the Rock. Okay, okay, fair enough, fair enough. I'm
also so thrilled to hear that film Lover is a member of the Patreon.
Do you everyone reminding everyone right now? You can join the Patreon. You
can become a free member, which means you would be able to comment on
the on the post about this year episode from the main feed episodes, or
you can be become There's multiple tiers. You get different different benefits due to
them, but all paid tiers get ad free episodes. Film Lover. This
review is canonically great and we so appreciate it. If you would like a
tote bag, go ahead, shoot us an email, let us know this
is you, and I will send the tote bag off for you. Erica,
what is the movie? This is the first Monday in March and we
are doing Murder Mystery March. Shoot do Today's Murder Mystery is the nineteen ninety
three dark comedy So I married an ax murderer, so so so don't judge,
So I married an AX murderer. Judge, not lest ye be judge.
That's what I say. Okay, so I married an AX murderer was
requested by Jenny, by Lana, by Carrie Ann, by Marie Allen,
by Kelly, and by Erin. It was written by Robbie Fox and directed
by Thomas Schlami. You know we've done other Tomas Shlami on this podcast before.
Is it not true? Because we did the West Wing, The West
Wing. This is Tommy s This is the famous TV director, Thomas Slammy,
Tommy Slammy, Tommy Slammy. The movie stars Mike Myers, Nancy Travis,
Anthony LaPaglia, Amanda Plumber, and Brenda Fricker. I mean this fucking
cast. Four fifths of this cast is fucking perfect word word. Actually,
I'm would keep all of them. We'll talk about it. We'll talk about
it. Sharon Stone was initially approached to play Harriet, the female lead,
but insisted on playing both Harriet and Rose, her sister. Uh huh,
go big or go home, Sharon Stone, I fucking love you. Sharon
Stone is not afraid to ask the question. She's not afraid to have an
opinion, do not change Sharon Stone. The studio refused because that is a
stupid idea. Sharon Stone. We love that you had it there. There
are no bad ideas, but there are stupid ideas, you know what I
mean. There are no bad ideas, there are no We are gonna listen
to everything you have to say, and then we're going to reject it for
being so dumb. So they cast Nancy Travis and Amanda Plummer. Here's the
thing. I love Amanda Plumber. Yeah, but the minute she shows up
in your movie that is a murder mystery, you're like, well, Amanda
Plummer did it? Well a Manda Plummer is the killer. But you know
what, it was so much Amanda Plummer is a killer that I was like,
well, maybe she's not. Like I circled all the way back around.
It's good. I was like, nay, But I mean it's Amanda
Plummer. Has she ever not been a murderer in a movie? Can we
can we find any movie where Amanda Plumber didn't brutally murder somebody? I know
you'd be hard pressed, my friend, she knows her pocket. Mike Myers
insisted unchanges to the original script that would allow him to do serious acting but
also us NL style sketch performance. Okay, so here's here's what it is.
I don't think the father was a character. And then he was like,
I have a Scottish thing that I do, and this is remember this
is before Shrek, before his whole thing was being sco Scotsman. And he's
like, I do a funny Scottish God's ogre Erica. Please don't erase his
identity if you will. And so he was like, I do a funny
Scotsman? Can I do one in this movie? Please? And they were
like, wow, yeah, because we need you this whole We're building this
whole goddamn thing around you, so sure yeah. And he's like, yeah,
but how about if I cast Brenda Fricker as my mom? And they're
like, okay, okay, I put this in here because there are two
movies in this movie, and one of them I really really liked, and
the other one made me want to shave my head and run into the subway
tunnels. Delivered them old people. I the SNL style sketch. I hate
it. I hate it every time it comes up. I hate it.
No matter who was doing it, it's always Mike Myers because I see a
movie that I actually really like and is really funny and smart, funny,
and and I look, I don't. I looked up Robbie Fox, the
writer, because this was apparently done like to his script. I'm like,
I wonder if this guy is written more movies that maybe I like or I
know he's done a couple other ones, but I don't know any of them,
so I can't say for whether or not I actually like like his sense
of humor. He did one called Shooting Elizabeth with Mimi Rodgers, and I
think Jeff Goldbloom about a guy that plots to kill his wife. But it's
a comedy. So anyway, the SNL sketch stuff that got jammed into this
movie is really really rough for me. I do not care for it.
I don't mind it. Some of it so so okay. So Mike Myers
is the lead. I'm guessing I don't really know this, but I'm guessing
this came right after Wayne's World. He was a big star, yeah there,
comedic star in this film. He's okay. He's not a good actor,
he's an okay actor. He can do a big swing for five minutes,
really well, but in my opinion, he can't like sustain just a
guy, yeah, being a guy, and so like this. To me,
I have the opposite reaction to him. The scenes where he's the father,
he's doing that silly, over the top sketch character. Because it's only
two short scenes, I'm into it. I think it's funny when he is
playing the main character of the film and he is like a romantic lead,
and I don't buy it for a minute. I just also, Nancy Travis
is so out of his league that I'm like that guy why. I didn't
find the Father stuff funny, But it didn't irritate me to the level where
I could see Mike Myers as the lead in the movie being a perfectly kind
of fine, normal person and then to me seeming like an insecure actor who's
not sure of that part, that muscle, and so he does an essenali
thing because he's like, I have to make people laugh. I have to
do this is what I know how to do. And look, he's very
good on it. So wait, I'm so sorry. So the Father stuff
doesn't bother you, that's what I thought you were talking about. I don't
like it. It didn't make me laugh, and I wish it wasn't there.
It still makes me laugh. And I've seen this movie so much,
but it it like you said, it's two scenes and that's what that character
is. The stuff that really made my skin crawl was like literally the first
lines that Mike Meyer says in this movie. I was like, if this
is, if it is ninety minutes of this, I will not make it.
I will lose my mind. I see what you mean. Yeah,
the perform I mean, but to me, that's just the performance. It's
just he's supposed to play a guy who's so charming that he uses is he
uses yeah, I know, I know. And he uses humor to win
over this like woman who's like who's who's had this incredible past and is obviously
incredibly like about out of his league? Right, Yeah? I feel bad
saying I like Mike Myers. There's nothing against him. But I'm not anything
against him. But he's a bad actor. He's not good enough to play
like a guy that I believe. Whatever he has, he has millions and
millions of dollars for his acting. I don't think he cares that the two
of us think he sucks, but we're right. He sucks. He's not
good. He doesn't suck at like Austin Powers. No, right, exactly.
He doesn't suck as Wayne. But to me, somebody's just trying to
be a guy, and I'm like, I don't. Why don't I believe
you? You are You're really a guy. But I don't believe that you're
a guy because he doesn't let you because there are moments where he like drops
in and is normal, and then he has to do he has to make
a face, he has to do something weird, he has to comment on
the action. So you know that Mike Myers knows that that was a joke
and it's not what normal humans do. It's annoying. Although I think I
would, I would stupidly say, excuse me, I believe I ordered the
small, the large cappuccino. Hello. I actually think I said that.
In life, I might be Mike Myers. It's not even the joke,
it's the delivery of the joke. Everything about it irritates me. I don't
like the joke. I think the joke is bad. And I will say,
I've never said that, so you never you've never been like, I'm
sorry, I or did this large steak when served a pound stake. Yeah,
I know, I know. There's The character is interesting too. A
better actor could have explained away some of the quirks of this character that I'm
like, sure, is he actually a beat poet? Is this something he
does for fun a living? They don't say what he does for a living.
He's the only character in the movie except for I guess Rose who they
don't tell you what they do for a living or where he lives, except
there's a beautiful shot of his apartment, Like, there is a shot of
his yeah, later in the movie. Yeah, he's sitting on his roof.
I just presumed he was a vagrant who climbed up the fire escape of
some I don't know that's his apartment. Well, because the next shot is
him in his apartment on the phone with Anthony Apoulia. Okay, it's a
gorgeous apartment too. So he whatever he does, he does very well.
But I'm like, what, I don't know anything about this guy. All
he knows he's insecure with women, and then he has all these quirks,
and I'm like, but who are you You want me to think she's a
serial killer, where I actually think you're a serial killer, because you've overquirked
this guy to the point where I'm like, something's off, something is off
here. He could never be a serial killer with those parents, they'd give
him up in a minute. That's true. Yeah, it overquirked him,
like they overduced Tom Cruise in Top Gun. You know Top Gun. They've
overworked, they've overquirked Mike Myers. Yeah, Paul wol a shock you to
find out that's so. I married an ex murderer. Has a fifty three
percent critical rating on Rotten Tomatoes and a sixty eight percent audience score. It
would not that would actually track perfectly for me. I'm a little surprised the
audience score isn't higher because I know people love this movie, but I think
it's a little bit of a cult classic, so maybe that explains it.
I think fifty three is too low. Look, I get it, the
central performance is lacking. He's fine, But to me, he does not
tank the movie at all, and the movie around him is really fucking good
and really well written and really funny. I find fifty three percent to be
people going oh Mike Myers and writing the whole thing off. Well, if
he was a supporting character. Like if he was on screen as much as
say like Anthony LaPaglia doing this, I'd be like, this should be higher.
But he's in essentially every frame of this movie. Yeah, dragging it
down like an anchor the whole time. For me, would I would actually
give this movie a much higher rating. I would give it like a seventy
seventy five percent. It's good as a movie. It is very good.
Yeah, Yeah, I agree. It's funny because some of the SNL people
you don't think are going to be good are actually like, holy shit,
you can act, right, I mean, it's not as fall my Myers
can't act, and like, like what a way to find out? What
a twenty million dollar way to find out that you can't act? H Erica,
when did you first see so I married an axe murderer again, You're
gonna be so surprised when I tell you this in the theater, all right.
I would go so far to say I love this movie. I think
it's so funny and adorable. And it does for San Francisco. When Harry
met Sally does for New York, it makes San Francisco look gorgeous. It
does. Agree, it wasn't really until this week watching it for the I'm
not exaggerating twelve thirteenth, fourteenth time that I was like, Mike Myers is
terrible because I think the writing wins over every time, so I don't,
yeah, necessarily pay attention to everyone else in the movie. How about you,
Paul, When did you first see So I Married an Ex? I
saw it two days ago for the first time. I remember this one in
the video store. I remember seeing it because I would always go to the
comedy. I wouldn't go to horror or anything like that, and it was
and it was always one that like I remember the cover because it's the cover
with Mike Myers and Nancy Travison leaning towards each other and they're kind of smiling
at the camera and he's holding a bouquet of flowers and she's holding an axe.
Yeah. I was always like curious about it, like, well,
it's a comedy, but that looks like something a little different. And then
I just never got it, never got around to it, basically, So
I saw it a couple days ago. I really loved the parts I loved,
and I really hated the parts I hated. I like there was no
gray area in this. For me, I was either in on the scene
or I was out on the scene. Perhaps the most whiplashity movie experience that
I've ever had. Wow, Like, I hate this, I hate this,
I love this, I hate this. I hate this. Ha ha
ha. And I also think it's It's one of those things where if you
see it when you're young, a lot of the broader stuff works better on
a younger audience, and then it becomes ingrained in your head is funny,
and then you it's like me with Iago, where like, is the Iago
stuff really as funny as it is to me? No, it isn't.
But like you put that fucking parrot on screen, and I am one hundred
and ten percent in you know, like and I and I really do get
that, Like if you saw this as a kid, and like the Father
hit for you, and like the joky stuff that Mike Myers has hit for
you, it it's still gonna be funny to you today. And there's nothing
wrong with that. It's just yeah, I saw it as a forty something
year old man, and I was like, no, absolutely not. What
if Meadows had played this, Ah, what a dream? He would have
been too young in ninety three. But I'm trying to think of like other
SNL actors who maybe don't get there, like who didn't get a chance to
be a living man and would have been a lot better at it. And
so I'm like Tim Meadows would have been amazing in this. And then we've
have gotten a ladies man for his father, right, the ladies man sketch
in the movie, or one of the kids in the hall doing it like
Dave Foley doing it. Oh, Mark McKinney would have fucking nailed this.
Yeah, I oh, now I want Mark McKinney to play this part because
all of them can act to a man. So yeah, all right,
Erica. The tagline for so I married an axe murderer is the honeymoon was
killer. I kind of like that one. I kind of like it.
It's cute if it's a movie. Yeah, Shall I read the iTunes synopsis?
Please do an earnest but goofy San Francisco beat poet. Everything about that
line, Everything about that line, because you know what, I see no
inaccuracies here. That's that's correct, that is correct. But also what a
hill to climb to? What a hill to climb? I'm gonna read that
again. An earnest but goofy San Francisco beat poet with a knack for hooking
up with crazy women. Mary's a sweet natured butcher who keeps giving signals that
she may be a husband killer. The fucking mountain this movie has to climb
to make her. It really does this task go bost and the fact that
it gets as far as it does is really a tribute to Anthony LaPaglia and
Nancy Travis and Amanda Plumber and Brenda Fricker. We'll get into every scene with
Brenda Frickers and is a comic moment. All right, Erica, do you
have an actual synopsis for So I Married an axe murderer movie? Oh?
God, movev move. You know what should have factored? He is not
an actor? Someone please call Billy Chris Tall, Hey, Paul, take
me off this crazy thing called rom com. I feel like calling has been
ignored here. I yeah, it's true. I am one of the great
beats. No one knew about you, Allen Ginsburg. We got the real
stuff here. You know what people don't say, fuck you Allen Ginsburg.
Enough frankly true? Yeah, he needs to be told the funk off at
least at least twice as much as he is. All right, stick around,
we'll be right back. We will take you through. So I married
an axe murderer again, and we're back there. She goes by the laws
plays as we open in San Francisco. The soundtrack is so nineties, like
at one point in the movie they played two princes they sure do for no
real reason, for no reason except they wanted it. They wanted it,
and they gave it to us, and I, like my soul just jumped
with fucking joy. Yeah at the soundtrack at the nineties, weird needle drops
that this movie has. We open at Rhodes, which is a coffee house,
a performance space. The space is so aggressively nineties that there is a
man dressed in Linda Perry cosplay in the middle of the and it's not even
remarked upon. No, it's just he's an extra. It is. It
is as if he's about to break into what's going on. Yeah, at
any moment, like the other non blondes are nowhere to be seen. It's
just like the hair this it's it's so nineties. I loved every minute of
it. I really loved this opening before people started talking. I was so
in yeah, because it's also very like it's it's lampooning something lovingly, right.
It's just look, friends, friends didn't come out of nowhere. Coffee
houses were a fucking thing in the next So it's we're following this like large
cappucho mug as. It's like going through the restaurant and we're seeing the patrons.
We're seeing the very cavalier way in which the people this at this establishment
wash their dishes before reserving a cappuccino in that same cup. May I tell
you, as someone who bartended a lot in his early twenties, that's accurate.
Oh god, the fact that there wasn't a pandemic earlier is frankly shocking
when you think about the general health code level that we're dealing with in the
nineties and bars. Oh my god. When I was bartending, you would
you would take the glass and there'd be a sink just like they had it
set up. You would just dip the glass in like the dirty soapy water.
Yeah, that did the clean water. He put that in clothes,
by the way, and then here's a dirty martini. It's literally dirty.
Enjoy let's stick on the rim. Well, let's stick you would take off.
I at least would look at the glass like could it pass a cursory
inspection? Some people would not. I mean I bartended in restaurants, not
bars, though, so I feel like it a dim bar. I don't
think that they're not doing it cursory lipstick wipes. You should just ask for
your glass back. Can you please have him make the martini in this class
PSA for this episode. I don't care if it looks dumb. Drink through
a straw for a straw. And also, by the way, this will
not be the end of the health colde violations in this movie, and it
is the by far the least upsetting one to me. Oh yeah, there
is a full health code crisis happening later in the There is a health code
disaster. Let me put it this way. Harriet is absolutely a mass murderer,
just not in the way you think she is. Yeah, okay,
So we follow the mug as it's brought to Charlie Mackenzie, played by the
actor of a Generation Michael Myers. He immediately, oh, Paul writes here,
he immediately makes the most self conscious joke about the size of the mug
that I've ever seen outside of SNL. I think I've made this joke.
I think I'm so embarrassed. He says, there seems to be a mistake.
I ordered the large cappuccino and then he goes. Then he turns to
his friend and he calls it a Campbell's cup Chino. Look, Paul,
the nineties were an innocent time. This past for humor. What can I
say? But it's not just the line, it's the delivery. He's delivering
it and laugh It's he's Jimmy falloning it at the state, like he's laughing
at himself saying it while he says it. Because look, it's not a
great joke. But you're right, I'm sure I have been. Like you
know, when they come to take your plate and it's empty, like I
hated it. You know, like people make these dumb jokes, but you
can make them in a way that an empty plate and I'm like, I
hated it. And the waiter pretends to lie, Oh my god, I'm
so embarrassed. But like people can say them in a way that a human
says them. That is not what he accomplishes. He actually goes, oh
my side, afterwards. It's so funny that it starts this way. It
starts so hot with this character because he doesn't calm down a lot. I
don't know why they're starting here. If they had put flashes of this in
the movie later, like certain minutes in, I would. If you're absolutely
right, he is unbearable in this scene. I was fully owned that he
is unbearable in the scene. It's way too big and you're like, what
the fuck he's doing Jim Carrey. Yeah, he's not even really doing Mike
Myers. He seems to be doing Jim Carrey because, like Jim, Harry
is a big star and everyone loves him. Charlie is with his best friend
Tony Giardino played by Being Great and Good and Australian Anthony Lapoulia, who is
mushmouthing his way through an American accent. I love you, Anthony Paulia.
I don't care. I don't care. Ye no notes uh. He goes
to his friend. He's like, so, can I ask you a question?
And he's like, yeah, anything, And he's like, why are
you dressed like Huggy bearfo Tartski And even like this, he's like acting basically
normal he's just being He's like, this is how a character talks to other
people. Yeah, and also like he I think he recognizes the joke is
not is now the yea visual because the visual is so stupid? Yes,
so yeah, so his he goes you look like an undercover cop trying to
look hip, and then Charlotte and then his friend leans in. Tony's like,
I am an undercover cop trying to look hip, and at first you
think he's joking, and then you realize later, no, he really is
an undercover cop. And he's dressing full head to toe pimp from like a
nineteen seventies film. And it's so dumb. It's such a dumb joke because
also I don't believe it for a second that this guy would think that this
looks hip. But also if you look around him at some of the things
that some of the people in that place are wearing, you're like maybe maybe.
So. I think we mentioned before this is a performance space. There
is a man on stage played by Patrick Bristow. You've seen him, I
promise you you've seen him and stuff. He is a character actor. He
was everywhere in the nineties. He has a bright red carrot top haircut in
this film. That's got to be a he is only in this scene.
Yeah, he introduces his next act. He goes, m My next poem
is called an open Apology to the aliens who abducted me and whom I inflicted
great destruction upon while having a panic attack aboard the mothership. Autobiographical. And
he's saying it like so seriously, like this is a very serious poem.
You see. He is an actor delivering a joke and allowing the audience to
laugh. And it's so good, and the people in the coffee house are
kind of laughing, like the movie is so good about going through that line
with these scenes, with these coffeehouse scenes of like these people are there to
have a good time, but also in an ironic kind of way, like
we all get that this is kind of dumb delightful after the unfortunate poem that
we do not get to hear. I'm upset. I am upset. I
want reparations. I want an edited scene with Patrick Bristow giving me a fourteen
minute poem about with the open apology letter to these aliens. They call Charlie
up to the stage. I can't it is so weird. It's so weird,
such an odd choice. Charlie then goes up to the stage. He
is a poet. Before he does so, he tells Tony that he plans
on doing a piece about Sherry, his ex, that he is convinced stole
his cat. That's right. Tony knows a exactly what poem Charlie is about
to do, because he does it all the time. He's like, listen,
man, you're just breaking up with these women because you're scared of commitment.
She was perfectly nice, and Charlie's like, no, no, she
was a thief. I never saw my cat again. And then he's like,
well, how about this woman she was in the mafia. What do
you mean she was in the mafia. She never told me what she did
for a living. Uh huh. He's like, she was unemployed, Charlie.
And what about this other one? She smelled like soup, like beef
vegetable soup, which, you know what, is an actually logical and perfectly
valid reason to break up with someone. Fair Yeah, all right, So
Charlie heads up to the stage. He's accompanied by the band. The band's
doing like a behind him kind of thing, and he does he does the
poem that Erica parodied for you in the actual synopsis woman whoa man? Whoa
man? Etcetera, etcetera. I know it by heart. If you want
me to recite the whole thing, I think everyone's good. But the actual
you have to believe she saw my heart and my cat keep going, actual
pictures of shit take me off this crazy thing, cold love. And then
he blows out his votive candle. Sorry, I'm sorry, I had to
do it, all right. So while he's doing this, actual pictures of
Sherry pop up behind him, which is there's questions of consent happening here.
I don't think this would fly today. But also the fact that Sherry is
played by Sheila Kelly made me remember Debbie Country and it made me angry.
I wasn't watching singles. You know what it is is they're making fun of
the earnestness of the people in the movie singles. Yeah pretty much? Yeah,
yeah, all right. So the poem devolves in him basically discussing how
horny he is for the women of Saturday morning cartoons, and then it ends
the vote of candle blowout that we were saying, what what's the sexiest Saturday
Morning cartoon. Well, he's not wrong about Josie and the Pussycats. Frankly,
you know is it is it disgusting if I say he man, because
I do love a page boy. You want to know what I feel like?
It might be one of the ThunderCats. Those were hot. ThunderCats were
hot, really hot, and I can I would be honest here and say
right now, I've literally never seen a single episode of the ThunderCats, but
I do know what the lead one and the tiger one look like. I
don't know their names, but I know what they look like, and would
do would fuck the ThunderCats. You're one hundred percent right. It is the
ThunderCats. The little furries keep your warm at night. They'll purr. Yeah,
you know, you know there's they have body heat. You know that's
right. Yeah. Okay, By the way, I have a question because
this does relate back to the movie that it's not about sexy ThunderCats anymore.
So Sam just go trolley like a street car comes across and it like cross
feeds the scene. Right. So there's a lot of kind of interesting,
uh scene cuts in this movie. Did you watch this on AMC plus?
I did watch this on AMC Plus. That's the only place it was available
this week. It is edited for commercials. It is edited for commercials because
there are a couple times because I peak behind the curtain, I have an
illegal copy of this movie, so I can pull pictures for the Instagram and
stuff, and those fade outs that happened because the commercials don't happen. So
it's so much less weird. Yeah, but on AMC Plus there's it's still
optimized for commercials and there's a couple of seed changes where you're like, what,
yeah, well you expect a commercial cut, Like, yeah, it's
so weird. But because I've seen the movie fourteen fifteen sixteen times, I
can tell you nothing got cut, Like, okay, no actual material gets
cut, it's just like beautiful shots with San Francisco. Well that's what I
was actually concerned about that because I the movie. Look, the movie's gonna
make some leaps, as all movies do, and I was like, are
they are they taking stuff out? But then I looked up and it was
like ninety three minutes and that's that was okay, so the minute matchup,
So this must be the full complete movie. It's just the weird cuts that
are happening. Yeah, it's just the edited version for television that we saw,
all right. So we cut to Charlie driving his convertible. He has
enough money to live in San Francisco proper and have a very nice convertible that
he drives around. I don't think the convertible is that nice though, Like
it's a it's a cute car, but it's run down. It's real.
I just I see a car and I almost go blind. So I and
this is this is San Francisco, pre tech boom, right, not the
San Francisco that we know today. Yeah. Way do we see Harriet's eighteen
million dollar apartment that she lives in as an itinerant butcher. But Charlie's too.
Charlie has this huge apartment with a beautiful view overlooking the bay, and
I'm like, what do you do? So he's driving through the city and
he stops at the Butcher Meets of the World. He heads into the shop
and he meets the proprietor, Harriet Michaels played by Nancy Travis A. What
a warm, delightful, green presence. She is not surprised at all she
wound up in sitcoms she's someone that you love as soon as you see her
charisma. He orders a Hagis to bring to his parents house that night,
and this is our first little glimpse at Harriet's way. She does business as
a person who handles raw meat. And let's let's say right now, it
doesn't include gloves and it doesn't include a hairnet. Okay, so let's just
put that out there. There's a lot of casual touching of meats. Yeah,
the casual touching of meat is a great sex tape, but that this
is not what we're getting here. That's not the club next to Rhodes's right,
it's a different This is this is an actual butcher shop. Casual touching
of meat is a great sextene also in San Francisco, but this is casual
touching of meats, so it's different. Yeah. Yeah, it is a
condemned butcher shop, which is actually where another great sex dungeon is, but
that one is just called sex dungeon. That's right. So we cut from
the Haggis buying incident to his parents' house to Charlie's parents' house. We immediately
see a Scottish Hall of fame well, but also the bas City Rollers are
playing like like before anything happens, we hear the Bay City Rollers a d
u R day night yea. The Hall of Fame includes Sheena Easton, Alexander
Graham, Bell, and Sean Connery. Excellent. Can I say when I
saw Sheena Easton, I just I literally outlined. I was like, my
baby takes the moon and Drey works like I just like instantaneously. She's got
some great songs, sugar Walls strut. Until I saw this this time,
I didn't realize she was Scottish. Oh really, no, I knew she
was Scottish almost over you ugh. Great catalog. That one. We meet
Charlie's father, Stuart, also played shockingly by Mike Myers, and his mother
May played by Brenda Fricker. There's also a child running around that's Charlie's younger
brother. His name is William, but the father will just heat for reasons
that will be known in a moment. So Tony is already there. Tony
the friend is having dinner with Charlie and his parents. Okay, so the
whole entire point of Stuart's character is just to yell quote unquote funny things in
a Scottish accent. This does not work for me. I know it works
for other people, but nothing funny happens. In my opinion, with the
father character. It doesn't annoy me as much as it does with the Charlie
character, because I get that it's just not for me. So fine,
like it's not for me. I would preferred him not to tell his son
to go try on a bra ya fairy. That didn't. I didn't love
that, But other than that, I was not offended by it. He
does float away you fairy, and Charlie is like, oh dad, And
I'm like, what kind of childhood did Mike Myers have? Yeah, I
feel I feel really bad for him. To me, this all works.
It's probably deeply offensive to Scottish people. I don't know, but it's all
of it works for a couple of reasons. One, he commits to the
character like like one thousand percent, which he does not do to Charlie,
which is I think why we both find Charlie so irritating. But I find
the father hilarious because it's just one note joke that is told with total commitment.
But also you could tell he's ad libbing because Anthony the Polia cannot keep
a shit together. Yeah, he's totally laughing. And the kid who plays
William who's being made fun of, basically the idea is like, look at
his giant head he's got. It looks like an orange on a toothpick.
There's one line that I goddamn love and he goes it's like sputnick, spherical
but quite pointing in parts. It's so mean, and the kid can barely
stop laughing, like the kids like, don't laugh, don't laugh, Like
you can tell that he's just like like making the room happy. And it's
just I love it. I love the scene. It is exactly the perfect
amount of stupid that I needed in the scene. So Charlie heads into the
kitchen with his mother because for some reason doesn't want to be with his father.
Imagine what that would be, uh, And he tells her that he
broke up with Sherry, and May is disappointed, but she says, now,
I understand you're terrified of marriage, and you know, maybe it's not
such a bad thing after all. She read in the Weekly World News today
about a female serial killer called missus X, who has married three men and
then murdered them, and Charlie is immediately skeptical of the source. The Weekly
World News for you young'uns out there, was like like like a tabloid rag
bat boy kind of les quirk thing. Yeah, he actually calls his mother
out. He's like, you're calling this the news. Yes, no,
it's all true, Charlie. So she shows him how missus X, who's
also known as the Honeymoon murderer, marries men under fake identities. Victim number
one was a lounge singer in Atlantic City, Victim number two was a Russian
martial arts expert in Miami, and Victim number three was a plumber in Dallas
named Ralph Elliott. So Charlie is kind of like rolling his eyes this whole
thing, and then we get one of those weird commercial cuts. I know
why they put the commercial here. You think they would just let them leave
the house, but whatevery case, you get a weird commercial cut. And
then Charlie and Tony are leaving the house, Stuart is caterwauling drunkenly in the
background, and May takes the chance to plant quite quite the smooch on Tony.
I mean, who wouldn't want to kiss Anthony thepoclia. It's to me
this is like the funniest performance in the movie is broke Cricker sexually harassing Tony
because she kisses him. It seems semi like possibly innocent at first, and
then she goes, ooh, you've turned into a right sexy one, haven't
you. And then she just starts like planting a harder and harder kisses on
him until he's like, please stop, please, And Charlie's just watching the
whole thing and rolling his eyes like, there goes my mom again. And
I'm like, oh my god, can we hope we can hope that that
maybe Charlie and Tony became friends in their twenties and we're at friends like from
down the block, because that's then it gets real weird. If they played
stickball together. Yeah, no, these two definitely grew up together. Oh
no, So there she goes comes on again, and we followed Charlie driving
through the city. He sees Harriet outside of Meats of the World. She's
inexplicably dressed in like a durdle with like long hair extension braids. Yeah,
she's doing some kind of promotion I guess for like, she's also churning butter.
I don't know if you notice that like I thought she was opening the
awning. Oh is that what she's doing? There is a sign behind her
that's like special on, like I don't know, Dutch ham or something.
So but like he will go to the shop that day and she's no longer
in this outfit. So did she only have it on to like stand outside
like during the commuter rush hour to be like, there's Dutch meet in here,
which is yeah, the title of my sex tape. It's Dutch meat
in here. Hey, look at me in a durndle is the title of
my sex tape. So okay. Meanwhile, we we go to Tony at
his job, which remember he's a cop, so he's at a police station
and his overly polite captain played by Alan fucking Arkin, who I fucking love
so much this This is my favorite part of the movie. Every time Anthonopoulia
and Alan Arkin are on screen ten out of ten, no notes, laughing
the entire time, hilarious. The IPI I talked about how much I fucking
love this man during Edwards's her hands, like take that up to ten.
Like his performance in this movie is so fucking good. So his overly polite
Captain just Captain no other name, asks him if something's wrong, and Tony
complains that being a cop is not like when he thought it would be,
because on TV it's like all these like shootouts and commenteering vehicles and it's all
paperwork. All I have to do is paperwork. And the Captain's like,
paperwork is the foundation of what we do, and really truly commentary vehicles.
It's just it's just not done as often as you think. And he's like,
see now and the other thing, Captain, you're too polite. You
should be yelling at me about about threatening to report me to the commissioner.
And Captain's like, well, you see, there really isn't a commissioner here
in San Francisco. We have a board. It's really more of a quorum.
And Tony's like, no, God damn it, no quorum. He
wants a like full like like nineteen seventy five pop thriller life. And he's
got this like incredibly sweet boss. So Charlie heads to Meats of the World,
which is considerably busier than the day before. It's still just his rife
with health code violation. More health code violation is now a disaster. He
walks to the front of the line and just starts a conversation with Harriet,
which she somehow finds attractive. PSA for this episode. The time to hit
on a service worker is not when they are in the weeds, when they
have eighteen things to do with their job. Don't try to strike up a
conversation. Just shut up and get out. They are busy, they have
shit to do. Leave them alone for God's sake. When she tries to
work, he just walks behind the counter and into the back and just volunteers
to work for her, being like I have butcher experience, which he doesn't.
Well, he says his father was a butcher and so he was.
Oh I took that as a complete lie. No, no, no,
because she has a conversation later with the father about being a butcher. Okay,
fine, he should be better at it then, Well, to be
fair, he's really only matching her level of expertise. No one in this
movie thought to ask a butcher out a butcher. Now, when you're slicing
a flank steak, do you measure it and have a specific tool or just
go bare handed with a machete? Because I feel like that's how I want
to do it. She's bare, like the guy is like a quarter inch
and then she immediately we cut to her cutting like a three stake and I'm
like, that's not a quarterhead chariot. Come on, girl, this is
not hard. Uh. So she agrees to have him volunteer to work with
her, and we cut to a montage of them working together, or at
least her working and Charlie doing quote unquote hilarious bits. This is how this
is how she like wins her over, right, Like, he's he's different
from her other guys who had We're gonna find out later we're sort of alpha
males. Yeah, because he's soft and funny and charming, like that's the
that's the whole thing, right, That's the whole game with Charlie, right,
is that he's he's non threatening, which is why she likes him because
she feels super threatened by the men she's been with the past. In the
past. Oh, I didn't think about it nothing that much. We're not
going to learn that until later. But that's basically why Charlie like wins her
over which, which, again, in the hands of a better actor,
may have actually read really would have worked if Seth Rogan had played this role.
That night, they walk. They go for a walk again. Beautiful
parts of San Francisco's shown throughout the film. She says it like it was
really nice to get to know him a little bit better. That day she
thanks him for he like saving her at the butcher shop, and I'm like,
all I saw was him intimidating her customers with his bits and flinging meat
refuse at them, and like just walking around with like bits of dangling gobs
of beef on his on his person. It's disgusting. I ate it this
so much, although I laughed really hard at the mom when you call them
nurse the school nurse, please, I had an accident in shop class.
No, I'm sorry. I wish I was there with you. I really
do. I was not. So she's like, she's like, you're very
nice, and he goes, oh nice, so clearly you see me as
a woman friend, and she's like, no, no, no, I
just mean that. You know, you seem like you've never done a bad
thing in your life. And he's like, oh, I've done evil things
and she's like evil and he's like she's like, how evil. And he's
like so evil. So they're kind of playing this flirty game, right,
and she's like, tell me one terrible thing you've done, and he throws
the question back at her, and he's like, tell me about something evil
that you've done, and she's like, describe evil. And he goes,
well, how many people have you brutally murdered? And then Nancy Travis,
still flirting, still doing this thing, but she steps back a little bit
and she goes, well, I mean, what even is brutal? Anyway?
With someone describes as brutally murdered, someone else might think was just perfectly
reasonable. And he's like okay. Then they're walking through the Palace of Fine
Arts, these two Russian sailors picture Russian sailors in your head. You got
it, stop nailed it. You're good. You've hit two men, like
basically extras in a movie walk past her and they say, like kat call
her in Russian and she turns around and she has an exchange with them in
Russian. I did not have the subtitles on. I don't know if it's
explained at all in the subtitles of the film. I genuinely could not figure
out how to turn the subtitles on on AMC plus. I don't know what
is going on with that app should be easier. We let's read AMC plus
for filth. Like first, I legitimately googled how to do it and tried
to follow the instructions and could not do it. Oh my god. So
she yells at them in Russian and then Charlie is like, so you speak
Russian and she's like, yep, just the thing I picked up in my
travels. And she just keeps moving on. She asks Charlie what do you
look for in a woman? And he goes, well, most people would
say sense of humor, but I'd have to go with breast size. I
left. I liked it. He actually delivered the joke. It's a good
joke, and he delivered it without commenting on it. M M. This
is when he like, He's like, come, Nadia, let us dance
like Children of the Night. And they start to like she starts to like
fake ballet through the Palace of Fine Arts, and she's like, okay,
why not and she does it too. You can see her like decide to
be uncool with him. He is deeply, deeply uncool, huh. And
I think that's one thing she likes about him. Right. Yeah. We
cut to Harriet's enormous apartment, levels, stairways, windows, like everything.
Just eight million, ten million dollars now, I don't know, oh,
twenty million dollars. Now. She goes to make them tea and Charlie's like,
you know what this apartment needs a really oversized poster of Atlantic City.
Oh, you've got one right there, right, And Harriet says she used
to live there, and then he walks a few feet in and he finds
a display of martial arts weaponry on the exposed brick wall and he asks Harriet
about it, and she says, oh, I had a friend who was
an expert and the kind of got into it and I thought it would just
kind of look cool there. And Charlie kind of sheepishly admits that, look,
I really want to kiss you, but I'm afraid of moving too fast
and spending the night together too soon. And Harriet says, I want to
spend the night together, and Charlie says, I have no problem with that.
Again, this is cute. This, I enjoyed it. This,
I don't like this Moment's like this when he's being real and like, I
don't doesn't know how we respond exactly the opposite this movie, because those like
I don't think it's a particularly good performance in that, but I do think
it's the best that Mike Myers can do. See. That's what bothers me
is he's not doing like like he's just not like a normal guy ever,
And I'm like, just be a normal guy. That night, Charlie wakes
up to Harriet shrieking the name Ralph in her sleep. I I don't think
I talk in my sleep. I've never been in bed with someone who talks
their sleep. But do people who talk in their sleep actually shriek this loudly
and not wake themselves? Okay? So I had a roommate in college,
okay who used to sing to herself in her sleep. She was a music
major. Ooh, and like full fucking songs. It was weird Rogester and
Hammerstey like that full fucking songs. If I loved you, it was.
And I was like, how is she not waking up? Like like why
why does she not know she's doing this? Okay, so I guess people
can't do that. They can do it. Uh So anyway, he wakes
Howry it up and he says, oh, you're saying the name Ralph,
and she explains, Oh, she's my friend. She she's my friend,
she says, and she goes back to sleep. The next morning, Charlie's
wandering through the apartment. He's he's by the way undressed. He's wearing like
his underwear and a shirt right yep, because he thinks they're alone. He
spots a woman taking a shower on the second floor through like opaide glass.
Because again, this apartment is insane, it's a mansion, an apartment in
apartment clothing. So he's like, ooh, let's let's go. Let me
go and surprise my friend in the shower. So he walks up to the
shower door, he opens it, and unfortunately, when he opens the door,
it is not Harriet in there. It is Rose, Harriet's sister played
by Amanda Plumber. Yeah, Charlie screams, oh my god, I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry, and he closes the door. She doesn't even react,
she doesn't even blink. She's like, hey, what's up, okay,
and she turns back around and finishes taking a shower. He runs out
of the bathroom. Yep. He immediately gets dressed and he goes back downstairs,
he finds Rose sitting on the couch, fully dressed, smoking a cigarette,
and he looks upstairs and like back down at her and be like,
how the fuck did you beat me down here? So she's like, I'm
Harriet's sister, and he's like, oh, you know, I didn't know
she had a sister. And he's like, she never mentioned me. He's
like, well, no, I just met her yesterday, and he goes
and she goes, but you slept together, and he's like, okay,
anyway, I gotta go. She's intense, is what I'm getting at.
She is so fucking intense. She the sister explains that the two of them
live together. It's basically Rose's apartment, palatial fucking estate of an apartment.
Who knows what Rose does for a living. And Harriet just kind of comes
and goes. She's like, Harriet left you a note and she and he's
like okay. She looks like she's about to hand him the note, and
then she turns around and she just reads it out loud and she's like,
dear Charlie, please help yourself to anything in the kitchen, and then she
giggles. He goes thanks for the hot dog. We did see them eating
hot dogs the night before. Then it's a wink wink kind of joke.
Charlie's like, I gotta go, and Rose is like, wait, wait,
wait, let me let me make you breakfast, and Charlie's like,
no, really, I don't need breakfast. And she's like, well,
how would you like some pancakes and first squeeze orange juice, a couple of
eggs, some bacon, and then smash cut to her serving him like fruit
loops, a bowl, no milk, and she's like, I didn't have
any of that other stuff. And instead of just like fucking getting up and
leaving, Charlie's like, I guess I have to have a conversation with Rose
now. Rose, by the way, is sitting across from him, not
eating, just sketching Charlie and then try and sketch book. So Charlie tries
to get some information about like the martial arts guy and Ralph from Rose,
and Rose is like, oh, she told you about them, and he's
like not really, and she just laughs, like literally laughs at him and
then keeps sketching and doesn't say a word. And he's like, okay,
well I'm gonna go then, and he gets up to leave, and Rose
is like, I promise I won't tell Harriet that anything happened between us,
and he goes. But nothing did happen between us, and she goes.
I don't worry, Charlie, just be careful, yeah, and smiles creepily.
Two Princes Kixon. We watched Charlie and Tony head out for a tour
of Alcatraz. What does Charlie do? We have never seen him at work?
Like, honestly, the movie maybe posits that he earns money as a
poet, but I do Yeah, I don't see how we've seen his poetry
and no, and at one point he actually tells you his poetry sucks.
He knows. This tour is led by Phil Hartman. Phil Hartman's doing his
Phil Hartman thing. It's very funny until there's a whole prison bitch got murdered
and defiled for days run that. I was like, Okay, well,
now we've gone nineties. We've gone really nineties with this. I don't care
for it. Well, all this is going on, Charlie tells Tony how
smitten he is with Harriet. He is, I don't want to overthink this,
you know I always do that. You have to promise to help me
not screw this up with Harriet because think it could be really something great.
There she goes again, kicks on, and we get a montage of Charlie
and Harriet growing closer. He continues to apparently volunteer at meets of the World,
which now makes her his boss. Kind of. The whole thing is
very weird, but we end up at the Fog City Diner where Charlie and
Harriet are double dating with Tony and his girlfriend Susie, played by an unexpected
Debbie Masar. This movie really does give a lot. They're playing a game
of like would you rather and're trying to like out discuss each other. One
of them, by the way, though, is would you rather watch synchronized
swimming or shit your pants on the Brooklyn Bridge? And I'm like, okay,
I don't love synchronized swimming, but I feel like that is very clearly
I know. I was like, no, that's not good. Yeah,
not the Brooklyn Bridge, got the Bay Bridge or whatever it was. So
anyway, the game ends when Susan doesn't quite get what they're doing. It
doesn't escalate it at all. She's just like, or would you rather get
electrocuted? And everyone's like oh oh, and she's like, well, I
was electrocated once and it wasn't fun. The check arrives, the two men
bicker about who's going to pay, and tell Harriet, speaking for all of
us, just takes the check and pays it. I mean, she is
Charlie's boss as near as I can tell, so that's maybe she can write
it off also Charlie. Like we see Charlie's parents, we know he doesn't
come from money truly. What does Charlie do? After it's a downpour and
Tony and Susan grab a cab, but Harriet and Charlie decide they're going to
walk home in the rain, and Harriet is smiling. She tells him I
feel safe with you, Charlie. I could see us staying together forever.
And as she says forever, her voice echoes and lightning crashes and thunder rolls.
The next night, Charlie arrives at his parents' house with Harriet. He
mentions that in two weeks will be throwing them a surprise that's not a surprise,
actually a thirtieth anniversary party, right, so we get a little setup
of things to come. He introduces the girl to his parents, May and
Stuart. They're very charmed by her. Stuart walks up to her and like
from behind and puts his hand on Harriet's shoulder really really hard. She goes
into like full black widow mode and just like almost breaks his arm and he's
like, ah. She's like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
I just don't like to be startled. Stuart is very impressed by how by
Harriet's like strength and fierceness. Charlie is a little put off. He's a
little like the fuck was that right. May immediately pulls Harriet aside and she's
like, let me show you pictures of Charlie when he was a baby,
and Charlie's like, oh no, don't do that, mom, and then
he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Inside the bathroom, he finds
the weekly World news story, the one that from the earlier in the film
about missus X, a lounge singer in Atlantic City, a martial arts expert
in Miami, and a plumber named Ralph in Dallas. He's like putting things
together, the pieces together with this woman that he's met who's shown to herself
to be extremely good at self defense if nothing else right, and handy with
a knife, and very handy with a butcher knife. So on the drive
home that night, he is in the full panic mode. She is just
babbling on about how lovely his parents are, and You're like, yeah,
they're eccentric, but they're charming. And I thought your whole family was so
sweet. And he's like, tell me more about your martial arts friend.
Where was that was that here in San Francisco? She goes, no,
it was in Miami and he's like, oh uh, and before that's when
you lived in Atlantic City, right, that's when you lived in Atlantic City.
And she's like, I don't like talking about that period of my life,
Charlie, and she like shuts it down, and so he is just
terrified. The next night, Charlie lies awake next to Harriet and she is
mumbling the name Ralph in her sleep. Again. Yeah, So he decides
he's got to do something. He heads to the police station and he gets
his friend Tony and he tells Tony that he thinks that he's dating missus X.
Tony said two words therapy excellent. No, No, Charlie won't let
it go, and Tony says, look, you're just freaking out about liking
Harriet so much. You're terrified of marriage. This is exactly what you told
me about on Alcatraz with Phil Hartman. Come on. Charlie is like,
look, just just at least read the article, and Tony reads aloud that
victim number one, the lounge singer made a name for himself for being able
to sing only You in six languages. Is a great line here where Tony
is like, well, does she even know the words to only you?
And he goes, no, Tony, we haven't hit that all. Two
crucial phase of do you know the words to only you? Part of our
relationship Erica, do you know the words to only you? Of course I
do. Of course I do. Paul, of course we grew up in
a platter's household. Paul. Okay, do I know it? It's Spanish?
Yes, yes, of course I do. So Charlie begs Tony just
look, just look it up, please, just look it up. So
he does, with the help of a coworker named Kathy played by Linnell I
know again. I was like, oh my goodness, Every even small part
is played by someone like some famous comedian. Yeah, they determined. Okay,
this is what the movie says. It makes no sense, listeners,
I know this makes no sense. This is what the movie says. The
husbands were reported missing on their honeymoons, but so were the wives. There's
no proof of any foul play. They could have just moved away to wear
Sweden. Let's just spoil the movie right now. Harriet is not the murderer
Roses. But then that means that Harriet would have married all these men under
her real name, because she's right, she's not a con artist. Yeah,
she's just a butcher's butcher and it's yeah, she would have married Ralph
but the plumber under her actual name. So then she would have also gone
missing at the same time. But she's not missing. She's San Francisco with
her sister, living her life and owning a business that's been registered to the
state. Zoom, well maybe not given what the Health code. Clearly the
Health Department has not visited that. That is an underground butchery. This is
an underground abatoir. That knight at Harriet's Charlie hears a story on a current
affair, Remember a current affair? I do I had such a flashback to
a current affair and now you like when you think back, I'm like,
was it always that sensational, which I think it was like like in the
eighties and nineties when it when the government just wanted to terrify everybody into obedience
and getting all of these ridiculous news stories where it's like this is on the
rise in the US, and it's like, yeah, there were twelve last
year, there's fifteen this year. Like I still don't think like wolf attacks
are the leading cause for us to be scared of dying. Well, a
current affair, A current affair didn't go away. It just took a lot
of steroids and became the Internet. The right, that's it. It's just
the internet. In Fox News. It metastasized. So there's a report that
poisoned on the rise in the US, and most people are poisoned by someone
they know and maybe even love. Suddenly Harriet appears and she's like, Charlie,
I have a surprise for you, and she pulls up what she calls
a health shake, but is just a strawberry soda, right, that is
just a cup of fanta. I thought it was pink lemonade, but yet,
like, nothing about it looks healthy. It might as well be a
pint glass of granulated sugar. That's what that looks like. It's also not
thick. It doesn't have shake consistency. You can't just call something a shake.
Words me, words mean things. It has to have ice at minimum.
It is a Fanta. She's handing him a glass of Fanta. So
she's like, I made you a health shake. It took me thirty minutes,
and I put strawberries in it, And I'm like, I don't think
she should be in the food industry. I'm just gonna say that right now.
Did you grow the strawberries? What took so long? How much meat
is in this shape? Oh, strawberry health shake, just just ground up
the sheep's brain, yeah, and then some strawberries for flavor. Yeah,
that's what she's put in this quote unquote protein shake. That is actually what
is infanta though, just so everyone knows. Oh yeah, well no,
no, no, no, it's actually it's cow's brain, not sheep brain.
All right, you're right, you're right. The Coca Cola company took
over and they really ruined the recipe. So so she's like, I made
you a health shake just for you. She shoves it in his face basically,
and he's like no, no, no, no, thank you.
I can't. I simply couldn't. She's like, please, Charlie, I
made it just for you. And he's like, no, no, no,
I can't. I have to go brush my teeth. I have bad
breath, and she's like, Charlie, Charlie. And eventually he gets so
freaked out that he like tries to lock himself in the bathroom, but he
goes into the closet instead, and she's like, fine, Charlie, don't
drink my shake. And she goes downstairs in a huff. My ride is
here. It's a huff, and I'm leaving in it. Why would it
take you thirty minutes to make a health shake? And why would you do
that and not tell someone you were making it? What if he could have
been like, I'm not hungry, thanks, I don't really want it,
Like I understand that the premise of the movie forces her to act weird,
Like I do get that. I'm not criticizing that, but it's so weird.
It's so weird. So I'm like, Okay, I get it,
Charlie. She is acting like a serial killer. You're right, or just
be like you drink it first. Yeah, any serial killer worth their assault
has built up a tolerance to any poison they plan on you things. Let's
just say that. I mean, come on, yeah, Rose can drink
a bucket of stryp nine. That's right, nothing at all. So later
that night, he is laying in bed, eyes wide open, just terrified
of his deadly girlfriend. She climbs in next to him. She apologizes.
She's like, look, I'm sorry, I overreacted. You didn't want to
shake. It's not a big deal. And she says, you know what
I love about you, Charlie is I could just tell you anything and you
won't judge me. And at this point, he's facing away from her,
so we can see his face, but she can't write, and so she's
like, Charlie, have you ever stood like a on a train platform with
someone in front of you and just thought for a moment, what if I
push them? And she like pushes him, and the look of panic that
is like building on his face and he's like, no, actually, I've
never thought of that because I followed the Christian ethic of thou shalt not kill
and she's like, I know we have fun. You know what else I
love about this? It's like how vulnerable we all are. I mean,
think about it, Charlie, You're sleeping next to me. You have no
defenses. I could, just, like, I don't know, stick a
needle in your ear. And she starts to put her finger in his ear
and he starts to scream yeah, and she's like, what is wrong with
you? And he's like, I have an ear saying. She just gets
really pissed and she's like fine, Charlie just goes go to sleep. I
was just trying to explain to you why we have such a great relationship in
the weirdest way possible. I was trying to explain to you in the fucking
weirdest way possible. I remember on our tenth date when I told my husband,
you know what's so great about our relationship is I sleep next to you
and I never think about killing you. And I know I can tell you
that I think about killing you all the time and I never do it because
I love you. I love you so much. Ultimately, I love you
more than I want to kill you. Visions of your demise danced like sugar
plum fairies through my head at all times of ways I could bring about your
your untimely departure from this mortal plane, And not once have I even put
the beginnings of a plot together. Yeah, to carry out these visions because
we have a good relationship. I thought about pushing someone in front of a
train once. I even got as far as putting my hands on their shoulders,
and they said, hey, what are you doing. I just started
massaging their shoulders, you know, pretending that's what I was meant to do
the whole time. And then they said, well, that's even weirder somehow,
I'm pushing me up on the train track, so please stop, please
stop. Oh I didn't know this person. This was just a stranger.
Oh it was a stranger, to be clear. Yeah they did. I'd
surprise them. It was a random businessman on the tracks. The next day,
Charlie heads to the San Francisco Globe Offices to place an announcement for his
parents' thirtieth anniversary. Did people do this nineteen ninety three, I guess so.
While he's there, he overhears two employees played by Mike Haggerty aka the
super from Friends, Kreager from Friends and Michael Richards aka Kramer from Seinfeld discussing
obituaries and they're cracking, like like they're making like penny headlines about the way
these people died. And the woman that Charlie's dealing with is like, you
guys shouldn't say stuff like that, like that someone died, you know,
And they're like, oh, women, in their defense, would I would
make puns too if I worry? What else are you gonna do? They
bring up an obituary of a local plumber named Ralph who moved to Dallas and
whose corpse was just found in a sewer. Charlie is activated. He panics.
He demands to know if Ralph's wife is mentioned. Michael Richards misinterprets Charlie's
question is him berating him for insensitivity and freaks out at the whole office,
which is real weird now, given how his career came to a crashing hault.
I thought the same thing. I was like, WHOA, this read
a lot differently before the whole fucking yeah. At least he avoided all any
and all racial slurs in this freakout, So good on you. It's probably
a verbatim scene from the one that took place in that nightclub. Yeah,
so Charlie finds out from Mike Cagarty that Ralph's wife was not mentioned. This
plumber that missus X supposedly killed was found, and we know that he went
missing and his wife was missing at the same time, but her body is
nowhere to be found, which implies that she is still alive. By the
way, the first person they're talking about is a tourist who had a heart
attack on one of the trams, and one of them says, well,
I guess he left his heart in San Francisco. You know what, that's
a good joke. I'm going to say this right now. When I pass,
you were allowed to make punny jokes, but the way I went only
you. I'm so glad you're giving me permission for something I was definitely going
to do anyway. Well, I feel like that's going to help you afterwards.
You're gonna feel bad about it, because you definitely would have felt bad
eventually. You know, I'm pretty sure about that. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. I love that you think I'm
gonna I'll live you. Well, you know that's another thing I'm giving you
here. You're the one who eats right and exercises. So Charlie takes Harriet
on a walk to the famous San Francisco scene of the Dolores Park. I
don't know what it's called, but it's Full House Park. As far as
I'm concerned, it's where the family in Full House lives. I don't know
about you, Paul. Whenever I break up with someone, I like to
take them to a very scenic location first. I like, I usually do
most of my breakups at the top of the Empire State Building, and they
can I can be like, but look Manhattan, and then I just run
away. Never tell you ever the story about the worst breakup I ever had
not like sad, worst, but this like funny. So I went on
a date with this guy and I wasn't feeling it, and I basically at
the end of the date, he was like, do you want to go
on another date? And I was like, you know, I really it's
very nice of you, but you know, I don't really feel a connection.
And he wore me down. He like argued me into going on another
date with him. So another date with him, and I still wasn't feeling
it. So iricated myself from that and then I was like, I think
I have to call this guy and tell him I'm sorry, Like you know
this is this isn't gonna happen, you know, I'm sorry, very nice,
good luck whatever. So I'm upset because it's not fun. It really
isn't like I was not looking forward to it. So I call my mom
and I'm like telling her, and she's like, you are overreacting so much.
You have been on two days with this person. You're not that great.
Just fucking call and be like thanks, but no thanks and move on
with your life. And I was like, you're right, I am blowing
smoke up my own ass. So I call this guy and I, you
know, just kind of launch into it, right. So I'm like,
I'm really sorry, and then I run out of words to say and there's
just silence, and I say are you there and he goes, yeah,
I'm just in the grocery store, So can I call you back? So
then he called me back, and then I he did, and I had
to break up with him for like thirty minutes. It was stage seven clinger.
I was like, sir, like, have some self respect. I'm
not interested in you, and I've tried to be nice as I can see
now. The ball or move would have been his if he if he'd just
been like, can I call you back in at the grocery store. I
haven't never called you back, and I would have taken that. I would
have been fined with that. It would have been perfect. It would have
been if he was just like, Okay, well, yeah, but I'm
I'm trying to vote right now. You have a line at the polling place.
Can I guess I'll call you back. I'm at the freezer section of
the grocery store and the door has been opened the whole time you've been talking,
and the ice cream is melting. So we to end this now.
Yeah, I gotta go. I'm I'm in the middle of a colonoscopy.
I shouldn't need to be awake for this. My doctors are yelling shots and
putting fireworks in my ass though, so I'm bad I woke up. I
forgot I forgot about that. So he takes her to a scenic location where
she can't make a scene. Although they're in a park. She could fully
also at San Francisco. It would be the fourteenth scene. That's that park
scene that day. It breaks up with her. She goes why, He
goes, I'm afraid you're gonna leave me, and so I'm doing a preemptive
strike. I'm leaving you before you can leave me. And she's like,
that's bullshit. This is good this, and you've just blown it and she
walks away again. Though if he really thinks she's the killer, he should
be doing more to like get her under some kind of police supervision. She
also crucially says, at least you left early on, which is important for
the Daniu mol of the movie. Yeah, we cut back to Rhodes the
Coffeehouse on I don't know if you noticed it's on Jack Carrowax Street. I
mean I did see that. It can't it can't get It's like a hat
on a hat on a hat. Yeah, Charlie is doing the woman poem
again, whoa Man, whoa Man? This time it's about Harriet. He
still displays pictures of the woman really man, especially I since in this one
he's actively accusing her of being a murderer. Yes, then he looks at
her picture and the part at the end where he's like, Jane, take
me off this crazy thing called love, and then he plows out the candle
to like fully end the relationship. He looks at her picture. He can't
do it. He just puts the candle down right without blowing it out.
He's still on that that crazy thing called love. He's still on that crazy
chain called love. A few days later, Tony calls Charlie and he says
that a woman has turned herself in for the murder of Ralph Elliott. Charlie
is thrilled. In case you're wondering, this is the scene Paul where he
is in his own apartment and we can't actually see his apartment very briefly.
He rushes to Harriet's, but she tells him to go away, and he
says he loves her, and she says that she loves him too, but
he blew it. Get out of here. I'm not interested. So what
does he do? Erica? He gets the band from Rhodes, gets them
up onto Harriet's penthouse roof a scene. A kitchen looks out onto this roof
space that that space is currently owned by like the guy started lift Yeah,
he performs an apology poem. She finds its attractive. She does a cute
little get over here gesture with her finger. They get back together, right,
so we have we have very brief breakup of Charlie and Harriet. She's
a little easy, if I might, if I might say, because if
someone did this poem to me, I'd be like, I love that.
You think this is what's gonna get get me to take you back. You
are wrong, sir. If someone did this poem to me, it would
make me into a serial killer. I would actually get back together with them,
just so I could end their lives. What if someone, Okay,
I actually like, there are really good performative poets out there, like like
like slam poetry, excellent poems. What if someone did one at you,
though, and it was just you, even if they were fantastic at it,
even if they were so good, even if it was Amanda Gorman and
you were just like, this is so uncomfortable. I can't actually feel myself
curling up towards my center, like, oh my god, please please please
don't do this like a solo one to one poem, hard eye contact,
the whole, hard eye contact, soulful earnestness coming after absolute poet to you.
I genuinely can't think of a worse hell. Correct, I would rather
be pushed on the subway tracks. Okay, a one to one poem to
sweet Erica. I would push Charlie and the three piece orchestra off the roof.
Absolutely. Yeah. So after they get back together, we cut right
back to Charlie and Harriet. They're having a soak in her enormous jacuzzie tub.
I mean this apartment. We're approaching Roman Emperor here, Like, what
is happening you. She's the only butcher in San Francisco, which is why
they let her. They let they just let her do it. She want
carte blanche because frankly, we're going to be under We're going to be under
serviced otherwise in this in this sector, we simply don't have another person in
the entire city that we can buy meat from. Every other meat provider in
San francisco's just the top. Yeah, it's just iron deficiency. It's all
over the city. I heard what he said. By the way, I
deserved a bigger laugh for that one. The only other meat that served in
town is during the fulsome Why do all of these men claiming to be a
knemick and that they need meat? Oh oh, never, I understand,
I'm code. Okay, So Rose knocks on the door, says, Harriet
has a visitor. Lo and behold it's Ralph. The female Ralph. Ralph
kind of looks like Linda Hamilton. For a second, I thought she was
Linda Hamilton. It was Linda Hamilton until she spoke she doesn't kind of look
like Linda Hamilton. This is Linda Hamilton's twin fucking sister. I'm so glad
to what is different, which is why i was like, oh wait,
that's definitely not Linda Hamilton's. But Jesus Christ. Yeah, Charlie is so
thrilled that he hugs Ralph, accidentally causing the towel around his waist to drop,
and this kind of acute moment, he's like, I'm naked, aren't
I? And then he weirdly keep back upstairs because Mike Myers can't be normal
for more than ten seconds. The one line, I do love yours,
I was just nude, very very nude. We cut to Stuart in May's
thirtieth anniversary party. It's a restaurant in San Francisco Somewhere. Stuart makes a
toast about how he's glad he married May after all, because he still loves
her after all, these years. Yeah, Charlie is so overcome by like
what he's seeing and how lovely his parents are together despite both of their inherent
hideousness, that he spontaneously proposes to Harriet and she goes, no, just
what you want to hear? Just what you want to hear. He doesn't
even hesitate. She goes no. It's like he's like, do you want
this up your butt? No? No, let's just live together, Charlie,
why don't we just live together? We don't have to get married.
And he's like, but I want to spend the next like thirty years with
you, and I want you to have my kids, and I want you
to have your kids. And it's a lot of kids, I know,
but I think we'd be happy together. It's cute, right, and then
pause for a moment to watch the parents dance. She's overcome now in the
moment by like seeing this lovely, like thirty year relationship that she whispers in
his ear yes yeah. Smash cut to the wedding, which goes off with
only a minor hitch as Harriet waits an exceptionally long time before saying, I
do a long time for everyone to sweat bagpipes start yowling, and we cut
to the reception at Charlie's parents' backyard, Stuart singing, do you think I'm
sexy with the bagpipes? May is dancing and molesting Tony. I mean she
could give an accurate report on the health of his prostate after this thing.
She is. She is an octopus. She is she arms all over him,
all up crevices that Tony didn't know he had. She is spreading cheek
okay, like it is open the I would have loved to have been on
set like Branda Freker was just like I'm so sorry, Like do your worst,
go for it. Let's do this, Brenda, come on, Brenda.
Tony escapes from May and he goes over to Charlie and he says,
look, you chose a great girl. I can't believe you ever even thought
she could be a murderer. And on cue the band starts up and Harriet
launches into a lovely version of Holy and they both stop and they look at
each other, and she then effortly slips into I think French. She goes
French, Italian, Spanish, Oh okay. She sings in at least four
of the six languages Stuart, Tony May, and Rose all look on emotionally
as Charlie and Harriet hug. We come to Charlie and Harriet driving to a
secluded mountain lodge for their honeymoon. It's called the Poet's Corner, right.
Charlie is so insufferable, everything about hers, about the fact that he's a
poet, and he's so into being a poet. He's just the worst.
Like if someone was like, I'm gonna take you to my favorite secluded getaway.
It's a poetry retreat me, aren't you If only he would murder me,
he said he's gonna write prose. He's gonna poem at you. Is
this what being married to Lindman Will Miranda is like, I worry that he
raps at that woman, and I don't like it. I don't possible.
It's it's not outside of the realm of possibility. Let's be honest. One
hundred raps at that poor poor woman. Yeah, if she murders him,
I will be on her side. I don't know anything about her. I
really don't know anything about him, but if I hear that. He even
once was like, hey, let me let me wrap a poem at you.
She threw him out the fucking window and he landed on one hundred and
eightieth Street. I'd be like, you know what, he had it coming.
If she was like what rhymes with defend straight and he's like penetrate,
She's like, no out out. So they're going to the Poet's Corner for
their honeymoon. Back at the police station, meanwhile, the captain hard nosed
angry seventies. He busts in and he lays into Tony for sticking his nose
in the Ralph Elliott case where it doesn't belong. Tony tries to explain himself,
but Captain, my friend was dating this woman who I don't want to
hear it. That's right, Tony asked if there's an update, and Captain
snaps at the woman, who is confessed to the to the Ralph Elliott murder
has confessed to other murders as well, and Tony's like, I knew it,
and he goes, yeah, Abraham Lincoln, Warren g. Harding and
Julius Caesar, she's a nut job here, a nutjob. The captain then
grabs Tony and slams him up against the wall and tells him not to screw
this up. Tony promises not to let him down, and he rushes out,
only to return a moment later and congratulate the captain for doing an amazing
job. And then Eleanor can straight out of it and he's like, really,
you thought that was good? You didn't think this the body slam was
but was this? Did that feel right to you? And he's like,
it was amazing. I gotta go, Captain, I really do have to
go. But that was perfect. You nailed it. The captain, thank
you, Tony, thank you all right. So Charlie and Harriet arrive at
Poet's Corner and checking at the front desk with Greg German. He excitedly tells
him that they'll probably lose power that night due to the storm. Gets some
candles ready and Charlie's like, ooh, sexy candles, and Harriet seems more
subdued. She's pensive. She's here's concerned that something might happen that night.
Tony meanwhile faxes pictures of Harriet to acquaintances of missus x's three murder victims,
all of whom confirmed that she was in fact married to these victims. This
genuinely feels like something that could have happened earlier when his friend asked him,
do you think I'm marrying dating a murderer? This is what happens when you
cry wolf too many times. Yeah. Yeah. Tony can't get through to
the hotel because quote unquote the servers are down due to the storm, so
he charters a plane, and as he's rushing out of the police station,
the captain snarls at him, Hey, Peisen, you screw up one more
time, I'm gonna kick a spaghetti bending butt back to Milan. Tony doesn't
even have time to enjoy the performance, but he does correct the captain's pronunciation
of paison on its way out, which I really appreciated because I was like,
that's not how you say that word. They also say the captain takes
the note thrilled, and he's like, was the ethnic slur too much?
And he's like, no, I don't think paison's an ethnic slur. That's
like, buddy, well, I think your spaghetti bending butt back to Milan
is the sure. Yeah, I guess that's that's a reach. You know,
there's worse ones about Guido, But my dad used to call all his
all of his buddies Paison. Yeah, but did he tell them to get
their spaghetti bending butts back to Milan. I'm gonna say with a fair amount
of confidence that the phrase spaghetti bending butt never left my father's mouth in his
entire life. That's what Pavarotti used to say to all his friends. That's
right, Yeah, it was a real three tenors thing. Baha. Back
at the hotel, we see Harriet take three rings on a chain out of
her like she keeps it in her power, in her makeup powder under the
puff right to hide them. So she has a chain and there's three like
wedding rings on it. She and Charlie head down to dinner. At dinner,
Charlie excuses himself to wash his hands, and Harriet, who looks something
between freaked out and murderous, like genuinely murderous, follows him and watches him
as he heads into the bathroom to make sure he is going where he says
he's going. Meanwhile, poor Tony is on the plane ride from Hell with
a pilot played by Stephen Right. In a storm, there's turbulence. Tony's
like, you've done this before, right, and Stephen Wright's like, yeah,
of course, I've done this before. Never at night though. Then
we find out that Stephen Wright, the pilot, is narcalyptic, and he
just falls asleep with the wheel and Tony wakes him up and he's like,
gland the plane, just land the plane. We cut back to Poets Corner
and Charlie receives a phone call from town. It's one of those things where
the where where the hotel brings the landline to your table, and you picked.
I would love to have that happened just once. It's too late,
we missed. It's gone. There's no such thing as a landline anymore.
We should open a hotel include landlines and have that as a service. I
would pay for that, certainly. Or a restaurant right where like everyone gets
their own, like you have an important phone call like the Kitcat Club and
you can call the other tables. So Charlie answers, and it's Tony.
He has successfully gotten off the plane, and Harry is watching suspiciously as Tony
relays to Charlie that you're in great danger. Look, the police are on
your way. Stay where you are. But she is missus X, she
is the killer. And then the phone goes dead before Charlie can excuse himself.
The whole dining room starts to celebrate their honeymoon, only you plays.
Everyone's getting more and more excited. This is one of those weird traditions where
suddenly a group of strangers is like, fuck, fuck fuck fuck, you're
gonna fuck tonight. They put them in a chair and then carry them to
the honeymoon suite. It's very This happens on Game of Thrones, and it's
just weird in any context. It's never not weird. Back in town,
Tony's like, gotta get there, so he runs up to the first car
he finds and it is driven by none other than the Great Charles Broden.
So he's like, sir, I need to comment to your vehicle, and
Charles Groden, Charles Groden's so hard, the straightest the faces, just goes
no, and he's like, please, can I comment here your vehicle And
he's like, I know for a fact that you're not allowed to, so
no, and he's like, sir, my friend is in trouble. And
then we cut to them driving to Poet's Corner. It's actually Charles Groden driving
and he's just being nice and dropping Tony off right. We cut back to
Poet's corner in the room, Harriet tells it terrified Charlie that there's something she
needs to tell him, and he's like, oh, okay, okay,
he's like trying to back away. She goes, Charlie, I've been married
before, and he says, I know, I already know. And then
he grabs an axe by the fireplace. Why is there an axe in this
room? Why is is there a lit fire when no one was in the
room before. That is not up to code. Don't do that, haha.
And he like brandishes the axe and he's like, stay away from me,
Harriet, I know you're the killer. Stay away from me. And
she is now confused. She's like, wait, what what do you mean
killer? And she manages to like disarmed Charlie because remember she is a martial
arts expert. So she throws the axe to the ground. And now he's
trying to like mano amano subduer. So they're struggling, and Charlie manages to
push her in the closet and lock it right yeah, and then he rushes
to the phone, but it's still dead. He finds a note next to
the phone that says dear Harriet, I just can't handle the commitment. It's
too hard. I'm leaving you, love Charlie. And he looks up from
the note to like ask Harriet what the fuck this is about? And he
just barely misses getting his nose chopped off by an axe which is being wielded
by Rose in a full tarp poncho No one in these clothes. She she
she came here to Lizzie Boordon. This shit. She's like, I'm not
going to get any evidence on me, and I'm going to wear a fucking
tarp while I do that. That's right. Rose shrieks that Charlie is just
trying to take her sister away, just like all the rest, and now
you're going to die. Harriet, who heard this holy change, is like,
Rose, what the fuck is wrong with you? Stop? Stop?
And then she tells Charlie to run. Run, Charlie run. He makes
his way out onto the roof. Rose pursues him, so now they're both
on the roof of this like this is like a gabled roof too, this
is not a flat roof. Meanwhile, Tony has reached the hotel room.
He kicks the door in and immediately frees Harriet and puts her in handcuffs.
Harriet's like, they're on the roof, and He's like, no, no,
no, no, lady, I know you're the killer. I am
having my Dirty Harry moment. If it kills Charlie, all right, let's
go. So Charlie winds up dangling off the roof, just holding on to
the eve by his fingers. Rose appears she's swinging the axe at his hands.
He manages to keep himself safe by holding on with whatever hand she's not
aiming at right, So he's back and forth for an experience killer. I
would have expect a little more efficiency from Rose. She knew to bring the
tarpon show. She didn't know to bring a plan, you know what I
mean. She's improvising now, Paul. To be clear, though, this
is her first axe murder. Okay, you're right. Despite the film's title,
it's a misnomer. It's a misdirect. It is not an axe murderer.
She is simply a serial killer. She does this in other ways.
You're right, when you're right, you're right. She's improvising, Paul.
It's like jazz, and she's jazz. Back in the room, Tony is
enjoying his moment to interrogate the killer. He's ignoring Harriet's explanations in the extremely
suspicious acts like thuds that we're hearing from above, the screams it is excellent.
She is like, Harriet is like, that is them upstairs. Rose
is trying to murder Charlie and he's like, Harry, you stupid bitch.
You just don't get it. Rose gets the axe stuck in the roof.
It gives Charlie a chance to get himself back up there. He flees.
Tony is leading Harriet out of the Poet's Corner and he looks up and he
sees Charlie on the roof and he's like, I'm coming, So he's rushing
back in now. Rose attacks Charlie again on the roof. They exchange a
sack whack and a cunt punt, just for a couple more laughs. This
might be the first time I'd ever seen that on film, and it's like,
to this day, delights me. She kicks him in the balls and
he's like, oh. And the movie does do a stupid thing where Mike
Meer spikes the camera here, which sucks. But then the thing you don't
see coming is. He kicks her back in the crotch and she goes,
oh h. He finally manages to overpower Rose, and now she's hanging off
of the side of the roof. He's holding on to her. Her only
grip is his hand. He's unwilling to let her fall. And then Tony
appears at the window from one level below and he grabs Rose and pulls her
inside. We cut to Tony loadings into a police car while Charlie inflicks I
mean performs another poem in voiceover, and we eventually cut to Rhodes in his
performance of this poem, which all about Harriet, Sweet harrietrit. It involves
squawking because there's a bird metaphor yep, so love ed Harriet watches him with
a big, beautiful Nancy Travis grinn on her face and that is the end
of so I married an ex murderer. So, just to be clear for
everyone listening, Harriet married these three men, Rose killed them on the honeymoon
and wrote this note. So Harriet thought that she had been being left by
all of her husbands on the honeymoon, which is why she was so keyed
up on the honeymoon because she was scared that Charlie was gonna make it four
and just leave her. Yeah, she didn't notice that those notes were written
in her sister's handwriting. I don't know that anyone comes off as a good
detective in this movie, you know what I mean? Anyone comes off as
a good judge character. Yeah, yeah, all right, so stick around.
We'd be right back with random observations and final ratings for So I'm married
an axe murderer and we're back, Erica, do you have any final little
clues, any fingerprints from the dust that you've picked up that you wanted to
share with everybody before we put this one to bed. I'm gonna do all
of mine in the form of a beat poem. Okay, I did haiku,
so a lot of poetry happening. Now I might do a limerick.
Okay, Yeah, I'm definitely gonna do a dirty limerick. So I have
a couple of fashion moments. As we know, the early nineties not good
for anyone, no one, frankly. But there's one horrible moment in one
wonderful moment related to Harriet that I want to discuss. Number one, the
horrible moment I'm just gonna get it out of the way. The sunflower scrunchy
that she wears when she's in the butcher. Yes, it is a crime
against fashion and humanity. Those fucking sunflowers were everywhere. Yeah, there was
a there was a perfume called Sunflowers, Paul, and I am so embarrassed
to admit this, so embarrassed to admit this. But I had shorts that
had a sunflower design on them, and you wore them proudly. One of
those blossom hats with an enormous fake sunflower on it. What was the sunflower
mafia doing to all of us in the nineties. Why Big Sunflower had a
hold on the culture. That's what happened. Big Sunflower was it was everywhere.
It was the Stanley Cup of its day. It was everywhere. Inexplicably
the good the good fashion moment. I do want to call out, and
this is a rare one because we almost never get these, Paul. I
think, I think, I think I know what you're gonna say. I
think I agree with you. This movie has one of the very few lovely
wedding dresses. Yes, I thought she looked so good. I loved this
wedding dress. It was like form fitting but long and sexy, and then
it had like this hood that was also like attached to like almost a cowl.
Yes, very like like like almost sci fi looking almost like a Dune
priestess, but like not over the top. Oh, I was gonna go
very like nineteen forties inspired like yea, yeah, like something that like Greta
Garbo would have worn. Back to total way I mean, yeah, so
hot. Yes, I agree. I couldn't agree more. Okay, I
have one. There's this moment where it's after the whole health shake fiasco.
The health shake is not a health shake, and she apologizes and they start
to make up, and she does this thing where she's like, do you
want to scratch? Do you want scratch? And he's like, ooh,
scratch, and then she starts scratching his back and he's like being Mike Myers.
Look, I will say this, this moment is actually kind of cute
to me, Like it pretty much work. This feels like a couple of
thing completely and like him being weird in this moment worked because they were both
being weird and they knew it, like that was part of the actual character.
But he's telling her where to go by describing San Francisco neighborhoods. Yeah,
I like, now scratch me in like Lower east Side or whatever,
go to Oakland, Go to Oakland, and like then there's a joke about
like, oh, grab my penis, which is fine, like it's but
I was just like, what's happening. This went from cute weird to weird
weird real quick with the addition of geography. And actually, I'm so glad
you brought it up because the moment before this, before she decides to like
be like, you know what, I was wrong. That was weird of
me to like push the healthshake on you, which she's still angry with him.
He's trying to make up with her right away, and he goes,
I'm a human blanket. I'm a human blanket. He tries to like hug
her like it's one of their little playful things that they do, and she's
like, no, not right now, Charlie. If someone in the middle
of a fight turns to me and tries to hug me and goes, I'm
a blanket. I'm a human blanket, I would actually again throw them out
the fucking window, not be a good person to be in a relationship.
That's what we're discovering. It's learning in real time outside of my line,
I will throw you out the window. We have already discussed the fact that
my favorite person in the movie is Alan Arkin and his character. But the
moment it really solidified for me and I squealed out loud, was when he
busted in and he told Tony you stay out of this Ralph Elliott case.
This is strictly a matter for homocide. He said homocide. He said homocide,
just like in Sunset Boulevard. I squealed. I was like, Oh
my god, why can't anyone say homicide? What is wrong? Oh?
I think he's doing Sunset Boulevard. I honestly do. I think I think
Alan Arkin is doing He's like, let me like, what this guy did
was this guy went home and he watched a bunch of film noirs. Oh
yeah, yeah, yeah, to match the like to match the shitty cops
in film noirs, so he could bring it to the office. I love
that story. I'm in. I'm in during the occurrent affair that he's watching.
The lead story right before the poisoning story that he watches is about a
reptile taking Hollywood by storm. Whether they show a giant picture of a giant
lizard and it says says jing iguana be in pictures. I laughed at that.
I laughed hard at that. That was the energy I want. I
wanted in Spice World for the headlines. That's the energy that I wanna be
in pictures. That's it, that's it, That's what I was missing in
that movie. We have to discuss the bathroom at Stewart and May's house because
it is filthy. It is filthy to the point where it actually took me
out of the movie because I was like, I'm not even I'm not talking
cluttered. Look, some people do a full clean before people come over.
Some people don't. I'm not judging the fact that like there's like magazines in
there and whatever that are open, fine, whatever. I'm talking about the
sink looking like it was in like a slum in the Lower East Side in
nineteen ten in New York City. Never has soap touched this thing. It's
disgusting. I think the movie is trying to be like, these are working
class people, but I'm like, you're going too far, because working class
people still clean their fucking mass You still have soap. But did you notice
the dart board with the Queen of England on it? Yes? I did
enjoy that on the door, so that like when Stuart's on the toilet,
he can throw darts at the Queen. Very very Lizzie's in a box energy
from that from that football match in Ireland. I only have one more.
It's very short. It is one of my favorite lines in the movie.
It comes from Tony Jardino, mister Anthony LaPaglia. He calls Charlie. He
says, guess what someone turned themselves in for missus X. You're good to
go. You broke up with her for no reason. You're a dope.
Charlie's like, oh my god, and Tony says, crime to stop,
gotta go, catch you later and very very funny. I enjoyed that.
I really talking with you about this movie has made me enjoy it more.
In retrospect, I have to say I still don't like the parts I don't
like, but I think your enjoyment of some of those parts has increased my
enjoyment of them. And then the way you were saying, like him being
a little weird sometimes works, I'm more on board with it. I'm more
on board with it, so you know, I you know, I just
wish like he was a better actor, that's all. That's all. I'm
not even mad at the weird stuff. It's actually the normal stuff that I
don't like because I'm like, I don't believe you. He's like when he
turns right to her and he's like, I love you, I'm like,
no, no, you don't. Uh are just reading that line from a
que card behind her head. I just have one more. And it's one
of my favorite jokes in the movie that I didn't get when I was a
kid. It's when they're on their honeymoon and everyone like carries them up to
their suite in their chair and they deposit them there and then everyone leaves and
Charlie is terrified of being left alone with Harriet because you think she's going to
try to kill him, so he just the last person left is the bell
hop and he turns to the bell hop and he's like, hey, why
don't you come in and stay for a nightcap? Yeah, and the bell
hop is like, clearly not his first rodeo, not his first time where
a couple has tried to bring him into their whole thing and he's like,
no, sir, no, Like He's like, I had boundaries, sir.
And then Charlie's like, come in for a nightcap. He just freaks
out and runs away. He's like, ah, I have to it.
When that started, I was bracing for a gay thing to happen. I
thought there was going to be a gay slur tossed out and there wasn't,
which I very much appreciated. No, But I also, when I was
a kid, did not get the humor of like what was really what was
going through the bell hop's head is like the najatois of it all. The
response, the initial response is so unsurprised. Yeah, and I was like,
oh my god, he's been propositioned a hundred times, Paul, how
should we rank? I'm married an ex murderer. One to ten Health code
violations, so many health code violations. There's way more than ten in this
movie, way more. Do not buy anything for sushi from this woman.
It is absolutely not sushi grade one to ten. Poems said to you with
direct eye contacts, direct address right at you're talking about something really personal.
Someone close puts you in a room, closes the door behind them. You
have no escape and then they just poem at you. Oh one to ten
pasta related Italian slurs. Hey, yo, go get your rigatoni tubin ass
and take it back to Sicily. Why don't you take your auraquette ea shaped
ass and get back to fucking Venice. Why don't you take you linguini,
flatten it even more, call it papa ella, and get your fucking ass
back to Capri. Your buka tini doesn't even have one hole in it.
Okay, Oh that's out of line, mister, that's out a line.
Take your fall Falley bow tie and ass back to Calabria. Ah, how
about one to ten sexy Saturday Morning Cartoons. By the way, the line
in the poem in the film, I fucking love it. Girls of cartoons
will leave you in ruins? Excellent. No notes on that line. I
still think it's the ThunderCats. I've kind of been marinating on this in the
back of my head. I still think the ThunderCats are the sexiest ones.
I kind of remember g I Joe being really hot, like all the Joe's
all the Joe Jo's, Joe's Gojo Gojo. I had a weird like moment
where like Raphael from the teenage mutant Ninja Turtles. I felt bad for him.
I wanted to nurture him. I always thought the one in purple with
the bow staff was the hot one. I I don't even know it's for
The blue one was the leader. The red one was the wounded soldier.
I don't know, like he carried some internal pain in him and for some
reason I related to that. And then the orange one was just fucking obnoxious.
That was Michaelangelo. Okay, So then the purple one was probably the
smart one. I love a nerd and he carries a big stick. Of
course, though no one is sexier than John from Garfield. Well, I
don't think that needs to be said clearly. I you know what, I'm
embarrassed. I even had to say the quiet part out loud. John from
Garfield lace pipe like a lifelong plumber. Okay, haha. John from Garfield
is me deep and pussy, and I'm not talking about all those cats.
John from Garfield will will pound you so hard the headboard just just breaks through
the plaster under wall. The sheet rock will crumble. John from Garfield makes
his own lasagna by putting in his sheets and just pounding them flat. You
know what I'm saying, God have brought two together there. That's good.
Good. I think we should do this. One's sexy Saturday Morning cartoons ruins.
Do you want to go first? Or should I go first? You
go first? Okay? Bechdel test. I believe it fails the Bechdel test
because Harry and Rose talk, but I think they only talk about Charlie.
Actually do they even talk? They just kind of she screams her to stop
killing Charlie. I think that's it. Yeah, they we don't really hear
any of the conversation with Ralph unfortunately, and May and Harriet. They talk
a little bit about Harriet, but a lot about Charlie too. So ah,
oh, well, yes there is one, but I don't I don't
know if we should count it either because it's so tangential. But it's Susan
and Harriet talking about would you rather be electrocuted or whatever? But again,
it's not a two one it's not a one on one conversation. Yeah,
but it does have a It does have a couple plumb female roles in it,
and I think they're all written pretty well and they're all performed well,
and they're all fun everyone everyone involved got to have fun and got to do
it love DANCEWL Travis in the role. Right, So so that's good.
Like, even though it fails the Bechdel test, I would say that the
female representation in it is solid. Yeah, I would go with that too,
And also, really, Charlie and Tony also mostly talk about women.
Yeah, it's because that's the it's the whole rom com thing where like,
no one has an interior life outside of right, the romantic situation they're in.
The only really like non romance conversations that we hear are between like Tony
and Stuart and Tony and the Captain. Well, Tony and the Captain that
is romantic. I don't know. I don't know what movie you watched.
I am deeply in love with both of them. Yes, exactly. This
is a white ass movie. You can tell they really filmed in San Francisco
though, because there's a lot of Asian extras and there's a couple of black
extras. But that's it. I don't know that a person of color speaks
in it. Lunel Oh, that's right, So that's not great. We
love a little more diversity, and there's not really any gay content. There's
the low level gay slur from Stewart in the beginning. I think that's pretty
much it, which for a San Francisco movie is a little rude. Okay,
that's a little bit rude. I'm just gonna say that. I think,
like, like we often said, most of these are sins of omission.
They're not sins of offense. It's not that nothing in it is really
giving offense. It's just like, wow, this is super white, and
there would be gay people in San Francisco and all that stuff. So I
don't think it ages horribly. I think if you're watching it as an adult,
the Mike Meyer stuff may not hit as well as it as it would
for you when you were a kid. And if you watch it as a
kid, you probably still hits beautifully, and that's totally fine. Didn't really
hit for me, but that's just me. So I'm gonna pitch it down
the middle. I'm gonna say five out of ten sexy Saturday car tunes that
leave you in ruins, Yeah, I mean, it's not a fense.
Maybe I'll give no, you know, I'll say six. It's not offensive.
It's just there's just no missions. Someone's I'm giving a six six out
of ten sex sexy Saturday cartoons. How about you? I would say six
as well. I don't love that there's no diversity. It's already nineteen ninety
three, like, come the fuck on, yeah, and it's San Francisco
for goodness sake. It does have beat poet representation, which is important,
sure, very important. It's important for those lovely little freaks to be seen
and heard, to feel seen and heard, because otherwise they'll do poetry at
me, and I don't want that. No one does, no, no,
frankly, no one does. It is such a nice skewering of nineties
culture, though I do love that it is. It is really funny,
like they take all these like silly little nuances from the nineties and like really
amp them up. I do like the Harriet May and even Rose to some
extent. They have to for obvious reasons. They have to kind of background
Rose a little bit in the movie. Yeah, it's bad enough. They
cast Amanda Plumber so you're like, well, that's the killer, but they
can't like overdo it with her quirkiness, otherwise she will like really come across
as like well, she's very obviously the killer as far as a murder mystery
goes. We didn't really talk about that because that is a theme for this
month, is was this a mystery? Did you feel it all surprised when
Rose was the killer? I will say that because they cast Nancy Travis in
a Magic Plumber, I tricked myself. I was like, Okay, it
is actually going to be Nancy Travis's the that's the sleight of hand, right,
Everyone just presumes it's her weird ass sister played by Amanda Plumber. And
I had almost convinced myself when they got to Poet's Corner that she was actually
gonna wind up being the killer. And then I actually read that in the
original ending of the script she is Oh, it is her, and the
original ending of the movie is him. He stays married to her, and
he goes to visit her in prison all the time and like brings her cakes.
It's a it's a some like a hot ending of No One's perfect.
Oh that's cute. I love that, which is cute, and it it
actually makes more sense with the movie because you're like, how dumb is Harriet?
That is law enforcement? How little do any of these other men matter?
That literally, no one cares that they've disappeared. They went missing,
but they might have moved. And I'm tired. I don't feel like the
same woman married all three of them, So what right? Yeah, so
my external knowledge me trying to kind of outsmart the movie led me back to
no, I think it actually is Harriet. But yeah, it's not much
of a mystery. There's really only two suspects. It has to be one
of them. Would have been great if it was Debbie Mazar. Yes,
just coming out of nowhere, coming in hot and she's a killer, she's
Madam X and she has her sight set on Tony. That would have been
a good twist. Yeah. I have to say, as far as murder
mysteries go, this is not a good one. I actually love that that
original ending. I really wish they'd kept that. That would have been fantastic.
So yeah, as far as murder mystery goes, not that great.
As far as representation goes, not that great. Interesting female characters, not
super one note, as one note, as basically anyone is in this movie.
I'm gonna give it a six. Along with you, I think I
think there's a lot of sins of a mission. There's a lot. It's
like it bums me out that there's no diversity in any of these movies.
I'm like, I guess even the SNL cast wasn't that diverse, but I
don't know if Tim Meadows or even had joined the cast yet. I'm like,
can't you just get like Garrett Morris or someone come on from the SNL
universe in this movie? For God's sake? Yeah? I do you want
to offer a palate cleanser? Weirdly know though, because I do love this
movie and I think it's very funny, and like, we've been very hard
on Mike Myers. He has acted in like straight films, right, non
comedies for years, and he's he's okay in them, but he's just not
He's just not good enough for me to anchor a rom com. Like they
really needed someone with like who who's funny but can also act like a Billy
Crystals. Yes, too bad. Tom Hanks is like out doing AIDS dramas
at this point, like winning Oscars, Yeah, but like, yeah,
someone with that kind of level of like deftness and acting but also funny.
How about you? Are you not offer any polo cleansers? I was just
thinking about Mike Haggerty, who was in that brief scene in the newspaper room,
and he's in that show Somebody Somewhere that's on HBO. There's two seasons
on HBO right now, and I just really love that show. It's very
warm and inviting and if you're in need of something soothing, it's a good
option to soothe. I feel like many people need soothing these days. He
did pass away in between the first season and the second season, Mike Haggerty
did. And what they did on the show is they didn't have his character
die. They had his character like join one of his friends, and he
lives on a boat with one of his friends. He's having a great time.
And I liked that part of the show that they were like because it's
already a little bit a show, quite a bit about grief, so they're
like, we don't need to pile on the fact that in real life this
man passed away on top of this, and they just gave the character a
happy ending. And I kind of like it when they do that, and
when they're like, Okay, this person unexpectedly died and does it totally make
story sense. No, But I don't care because it gives me a little
warm, little hug inside when I think about it. So somebody somewhere on
HBOS excellent, can I say, I'm watching all creatures great and small,
which I love. And they cast Dame Diana Rigg in the first season,
who played this ooh, very small character but like kind of important to this
story, like she's she's she's gonna show up in every season at some point,
and then of course she passes away because that's what happens when you cast
a ninety year old person in a roll. And so they they didn't do
any like they can't unwrite the character, like she's so into the fabric of
the show. So they just recast it with another woman who's like clearly in
her sixties. Like they're like, okay, we're just gonna cast a wood
not doing this again, way way younger his latest And to this day it's
so goddamn weird. Every time she shows up. She's lovely, she does
a great job, but I'm like, she got she got a little refreshed.
I'm like, you're not Dame Diana rig though. By the way,
rip Cheetah. We lost Cheetah this week. Who's Cheetah Cheeta Rivera. Oh
my god, I still had ThunderCats in my head and I thought that what
we were talking about, and I was like, wait, wait, are
we making us sundercats joke again? I am not on board? All right.
That is the end of our show. Everyone listening can follow us on
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Well is produced and edited by Paul Kola, producer editor, an Elbow Bending
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some tears in our Patreon come with a thanks for a podcast character.
All tears in our Patreon come with ad free episodes, right, but some
come with thanks for a podcast character. And today we are hearing from that
lusty, lickored up lady, Miss Catherine Hepburn. Hello cats and kittens,
it's your friend, Catherine Heaven Again. I'm in a fantastic mood today,
and can I tell you why. It's because I heard from my good friend
Vanessa to Vanilly. Vanessa is a listener of that Age Dwell and her last
name is apparently some sort of portmanteau of her and her partner's name, Spencer
and I tried that once, but all we could come up with was hepatitis.
The name to Vanilli reminds me of a conole and of course, I
had the most delicious connole once on the set of The Thin Man. A
connole, of course, is not a pastry, but a sex act in
which a man ejaculates into a Chinese finger trap and then two women play with
it. Myrna and William and I had such fun that day, just drinking
slippery nipples, which are the most disgusting cocktails. Well, the dog watched
the entire time. Thank you, Vanessa for listening to that, agedd well.
Spencer and I are going to have a delightful day on the deck just
playing with our Chinese finger trap and drinking slippery nipples, wishing to God one
of us had thought to give us safe word to William Powell, Wow,
her exploits are becoming more and more graphic. I feel like maybe there isn't
any part of Hollywood she hasn't touched in a way that was non consensual.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, Mira and Alloy and William Power are in
The Thin Man, but it sounds like Mirorn Alloy and Catherine Hepburn were both
in The Thin Man at the same time. Yeah, I'm picking up what
you're putting down, Paul, And yeah, you're right, they were Yeah,
they were definitely both in The Thin Man. Yeah, so, Eric,
I you have any final thoughts on so I married an axe murderer.
You know what I really want is a remake of this movie with Sarah Sherman
from SNL from Current SNL in the Charlie role. You know what? Yes,
perfect, no doubts, fuzzy navel, Harvey wallbanger between the sheets,
hanky panky duck, fart, horses neck hell, sorry, really quick,
don't google rusty nipple. You have to be very specific. You cannot just
google rusty nipple and expect Google to understand what you're looking for. The thing
is the other option for so upsetting. You think it'd be like a fun
sex thing. No it's not. It's all medical, and it was all
incredibly upsetting.