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My favorite murder by Ambrose Bierce.
Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular

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atrocity, I was arrested and put
upon my trial, which lasted seven years.

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In charging the jury, the judge
of the Court of Acquittal remarked that

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it was one of the most ghastly
crimes that he had ever been called upon

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to explain. Away. At this, my attorney rose and said, may

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it please your honor, crimes are
ghastly or agreeable only by comparison. If

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you were familiar with the details of
my client's previous murder of his uncle,

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you would discern in his later offense. If offense it may be called something

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in the nature of tender forbearren and
filial consideration for the feelings of the victim.

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The appalling ferocity of the former assassination
was indeed inconsistent with any hypothesis but

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that of guilt. And had it
not been for the fact that the honorable

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judge before whom he was tried was
the president of a life insurance company that

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took risks on hanging, and in
which my client held a policy, it

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is hard to see how he could
decently have been acquitted If your honor would

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like to hear about it for instruction
and guidance of your Honor's mind. This

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unfortunate man, my client will consent
to give himself the pain of relating it

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under oath. The district attorney said, your Honor, I object. Such

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a statement would be in the nature
of evidence, and the testimony in this

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case is closed. The prisoner's statement
should have been introduced three years ago,

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in the spring of eighteen eighty one. In a statutory sense, said the

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judge. You are right, and
in the court of objections and technicalities you

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would get a ruling in your favor, but not in a court of acquittal.

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The objection is overruled. I accept, said the district attorney. You

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cannot do that. The judge said, I must remind you that in order

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to take an exception, you must
first get this case transferred for a time

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to the Court of Exceptions on a
formal motion duly supported by affidavits. A

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motion to that effect by your predecessor
in office was denied by me during the

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first year of this trial. Mister
Clerk swear the prisoner. The customary oath

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having been administered, I made the
following statement, which impressed the judge with

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so strong a sense of the comparative
triviality of the offense for which I was

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on trial, that he made no
further search for mitigating circumstances, but simply

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instructed the jury to acquit, and
I left the court without a stain upon

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my reputation. I was born in
eighteen fifty six in Calamacky, Michigan,

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of honest and reputable parents, one
of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to comfort

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me in my later years. In
eighteen sixty seven, the family came to

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California and settled near Nigger Head,
where my father opened a road agency and

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prospered beyond the dreams of avarice.
He was a reticent, saturnine man then,

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though his increasing years have now somewhat
relaxed the austerity of his disposition,

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and I believe that nothing but his
memory of the sad event for which I

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am now on trial prevents him from
manifesting a genuine hilarity. Four years after

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we had set up the road agency, an itinerant preacher came along, and,

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having no other way to pay for
the night's lodging that we gave him,

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favored us with an exhortation of such
power that, praise God, we

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were all converted to religion. My
father at once sent for his brother,

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the honorable William Ridley of Stockton,
and on his arrival, turned over the

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agency to him, charging him nothing
for the franchise nor plant, the latter

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consisting of a Winchester rifle, a
sawed off shotgun, and an assortment of

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masks made out of flower sacks.
The family then moved to Ghost Rock and

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opened a dance house. It was
called the Saint's Rest Hurdy Gurdy, and

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the proceedings each night began with prayer. It was there that my now sainted

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mother, by her grace in the
dance, acquired the sobriquet of the Bucking

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Walrus. In the fall of seventy
five, I had occasion to visit Coyote

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on the road to Mahala, and
took the stage at Ghost Rock. There

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were four other passengers about three miles
beyond Niggerhead, persons whom I identified as

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my uncle William and his two sons, held up the stage. Finding nothing

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in the express box, they went
through the passengers. I acted a most

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honorable part in the affair, placing
myself in life mine with the others holding

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up my hands and permitting myself to
be deprived of forty dollars and a gold

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watch. From my behavior, no
one could have suspected that I knew the

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gentleman who gave the entertainment. A
few days later, when I went to

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Niggerhead and asked for the return of
my money and watch, my uncle and

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cousins swore they knew nothing of the
matter, and they affected a belief that

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my father and I had done the
job ourselves in dishonest violation of commercial good

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faith. Uncle William even threatened to
retaliate by starting an opposition dance house at

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Ghost Rock, as the Saint's rest
had become rather unpopular. I saw that

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this assuredly ruin it and prove a
paying enterprise, so I told my uncle

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that I was willing to overlook the
past if he would take me into the

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scheme and keep the partnership a secret
from my father. This fair offer he

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rejected, and I then perceived that
it would be better and more satisfactory if

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he were dead. My plans to
that end were soon perfected, and communicating

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them to my dear parents, I
had the gratification of receiving their approval,

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my father said he was proud of
me, and my mother promised that although

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her religion forbade her to assist in
taking human life, I should have the

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advantage of her prayers for my six
As a preliminary measure, looking to my

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security in case of detection, I
made an application for membership in that powerful

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order, the Knights of Murder,
and in due course was received as a

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member of the Ghost Rock Commandery.
On the day that my probation ended,

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I was for the first time permitted
to inspect the records of the order and

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learn who belonged to it, all
the rights of initiation having been conducted in

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masks. Fancy my delight when,
in looking over the role of membership I

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found the third name to be that
of my uncle, who indeed was Junior

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Vice Chancellor of the Order. Here
was an opportunity eating my wildest dreams to

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murder. I could add insubordination and
treachery. It was what my good mother

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would have called a special providence.
At about this time something occurred which caused

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my cup of joy, already full, to overflow on all sides. A

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circular cataract of bliss three men strangers
in that locality, were arrested for the

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stage robbery in which I had lost
my money and watch. They were brought

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to trial, and, despite my
efforts to clear them and fasten the guilt

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upon three of the most respectable and
worthy citizens of ghost Rock, convicted on

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the clearest proof, the murder would
now be as wanton and reasonless as I

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could wish. One morning, I
shouldered my Winchester rifle, and, going

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over to my uncle's house near Nigger
Head, asked my Aunt Mary, his

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wife, if he were at home, adding that I had come to kill

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him. My aunt replied, with
her peculiar smile, that so many gentlemen

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called on that errand and were afterward
carried away without having performed it, that

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I must excuse her for doubting my
good faith in the matter. She said,

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I did not look as if I
would kill anybody, so as a

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proof of good faith, I leveled
my rifle and wounded a Chinaman who happened

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to be passing the house. She
said she knew whole families that could do

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a thing of that kind, but
Bill Ridley was a horse of another color.

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She said, however, that I
would find him over on the other

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side of the creek in the sheep
lot, and she added that she hoped

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the best man would win. My
aunt Mary was one of the most fair

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minded women that I have ever met. I found my uncle down on his

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knees, engaged in skinning a sheep. Seeing that he had neither gun nor

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pistol handy, I had not the
heart to shoot him, so I approached

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him, greeted him pleasantly, and
struck him a powerful blow on the head

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with the butt of my rifle.
I have a very good livery, and

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Uncle William lay down on his side, then rolled over on his back,

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spread out his fingers, and shivered. Before he could recover the use of

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his limbs, I seized the knife
that he had been using and cut his

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hamstrings. You know doubtless that when
you sever the tendo achilles, the patient

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has no further use of his leg. It is just the same as if

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he had no leg. Well,
I parted them both, and when he

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revived, he was at my service. As soon as he comprehended the situation,

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he said, Samuel, you have
got the drop on me and can

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afford to be generous. I have
only one thing to ask of you,

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and that is that you carry me
to the house and finish me in the

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bosom of my family. I told
him I thought that a pretty reasonable request,

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and I would do so if he
would let me put him into a

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wheat sack. He would be easier
to carry that way, and if we

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were seen by the neighbors en route, it would cause less remark. He

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agreed to that, and going to
the barn, I got a sack.

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This, however, did not fit
him. It was too short and much

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wider than he. So I bent
his legs, forced his knees up against

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his breast, and got him into
it that way, tying the sack above

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his head. He was a heavy
man, and I had all that I

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could do to get him on my
back. But I staggered along for some

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distance until I came to a swing
that some of the children had suspended to

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the branch of an oak. Here
I laid him down and sat upon him

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to rest, and the sight of
the rope gave me a happy inspiration.

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In twenty minutes, my uncle,
still in the sack, swung free to

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the sport of the wind. I
had taken down the rope, tied one

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end tightly about the mouth of the
bag, thrown the other across the limb,

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and hauled him up about five feet
from the ground, fastening the other

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end of the rope, also about
the mouth of the sack. I had

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the satisfaction to see my uncle converted
into a large, fine pendulum. I

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must add that he was not himself
entirely aware of the nature of the change

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that he had undergone in his relation
to the exterior world. Though in justice

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to a good man's memory, I
ought to say that I do not think

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he would, in any case have
wasted much of my time in vain remonstrance.

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Uncle William had a ram that was
famous in all that region. As

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a fighter. It was in a
state of chronic constitutional indignation. Some deep

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disappointment in early life had soured its
disposition, and it had declared war upon

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the whole world. To say that
it would but anything accessible is but faintly

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to express the nature and scope of
its military activity. The universe was its

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antagonist, its methods that of a
projectile. It fought like the angels and

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devils in mid air, cleaving the
atmosphere like a bird, describing a parabolic

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curve, and descending upon its victim
at just the exact angle of incidence to

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make the most of its velocity and
weight. Its momentum calculated in foot tons,

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was something incredible. It had been
seen to destroy a four year old

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bull by a single impact upon that
animal's gnarly forehead. No stone wall had

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ever been known to resist its downward
swoop. There were no trees tough enough

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to stay it. It would splinter
them into matchwood and defile their leafy honors

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in the dust. This irascible and
implacable brute, this incarnate thunderbolt, this

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monster of the upper deep, I
had seen reposing in the shade of an

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adjacent tree, dreaming dreams of conquest
and glory. It was with a view

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to summoning it forth to the field
of honor, that I suspended its master

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in the manner described. Having completed
my preparations, I parted to the avuncular

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pendulum a gentle oscillation, and,
retiring to cover behind a contiguous rock,

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lifted up my voice in a long, rasping cry, whose diminishing final note

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was drowned in a noise like that
of a swearing cat, which emanated from

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the sack. Instantly, that formidable
sheep was upon its feet and had taken

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in the military situation at a glance. In a few moments it had approached,

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stamping to within fifty yards of the
swinging foeman, who, now retreating

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and anon advancing, seemed to invite
the fray. Suddenly I saw the beast's

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head drop earthward, as if depressed
by the weight of its enormous horns.

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Then a dim, white, wavy
streak of sheep prolonged itself from that spot

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in a generally horizontal direction to within
about four yards of a point immediately beneath

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the enemy. There it struck sharply
upward, and before it had faded from

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my gaze at the place whence it
had set out, I heard a horrid

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thump and a piercing scream, and
my poor uncle shot forward with a slack

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rope higher than the limb to which
he was attached. Here the rope tautened

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with a jerk, resting his flight, and back he swung in a breathless

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curve to the other end of his
arc. The ram had fallen, a

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heap of indistinguishable legs, wool and
horns, but pulling itself together and dodging

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as its antagonist swept downward. It
retired at random, alternately shaking its head

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and stamping its fore feet. When
it had backed about the same distance as

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that from which it had delivered the
assault, it paused, again, bowed

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its head as if in prayer for
victory, and again shot forward, dimly

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visible as before, a prolonging white
streak with monstrous undulations, ending with a

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sharp ascension. Its course this time
was at a right angle to its former

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one, and its impatience so great
that it struck the enemy before he had

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nearly reached the lowest point of his
arc. In consequence, he went flying

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round and round in a horizontal circle
whose radius was about equal to half the

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length of the rope, which I
forgot to say was nearly twenty feet long.

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His shrieks, crescendo in approach and
diminuendo in recession, made the rapidity

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of his revolution more obvious to the
ear than to the eye. He had

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evidently not yet been struck in a
vital spot. His posture, the sack,

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and the distance from the ground at
which he hung compelled the ram to

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operate upon his lower extremities and the
end of his back, like a plant

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that has struck its root into some
poisonous mineral. My poor uncle was dying

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slowly upward. After delivering its second
blow, the ram had not again retired.

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The fever of battle burned hot in
its heart. Its brain was intoxicated

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with the whine of strife. Like
a pugilist who, in his rage forgets

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his skill and fights ineffectively at half
arm's length. The angry beast endeavored to

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reach its fleeting foe by awkward vertical
leaps as he passed overhead, sometimes indeed

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succeeding in striking him feebly, but
more frequently overthrown by its own misguided eagerness.

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But as the impetus was exhausted and
the man's circles narrowed in scope and

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diminished in speed, bringing him nearer
to the ground, these tactics produced better

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results, eliciting a superior quality of
screams, which I greatly enjoyed. Suddenly,

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as if the bugles had sung truce, the ram suspended hostilities and walked

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away, thoughtfully, wrinkling and smoothing
its great aquiline nose, and occasionally cropping

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a bunch of grass and slowly munching
it. It seemed to have tired of

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war's alarms, and resolved to beat
the sword into a plowshare and cultivate the

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arts of peace. Steadily, it
held its course away from the field of

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Fame until it had gained a distance
of nearly a quarter of a mile.

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There it stopped and stood with its
rear to the foe, chewing its cud,

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and apparently half asleep. I observed, however, an occasional slight turn

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of its head, as if its
apathy were more affected than real. Meantime,

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Uncle William's shrieks had abated with his
motion, and nothing was heard from

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him but long, low moans,
and at long intervals my name uttered in

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pleading tones, exceedingly grateful to my
ear. Evidently the man had not the

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faintest notion of what was being done
to him, and was inexpressibly terrified.

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When death comes, cloaked in mystery, he is terrible. Indeed, little

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by little my uncle's oscillations diminished,
and finally he hung motionless. I went

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to him and was about to give
him the coote grass when I heard and

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felt a succession of smart shocks,
which shook the ground like a series of

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light earthquakes, and turning in the
direction of the ram, saw a long

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cloud of dust approaching me with inconceivable
rapidity and alarming effect. At a distance

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of some thirty yards away. It
stopped short, and from the near end

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of it rose into the air what
I at first thought was a great white

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bird. Its ascent was so smooth
and easy and regular that I could not

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realize its extraordinary celerity, and was
lost in admiration of its grace. To

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this day, the impression remains that
it was a slow, deliberate movement the

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ram, for it was that animal
being upborne by some power other than its

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own impetus, and supported through the
successive stages of its flight with infinite tenderness

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and care. My eyes followed its
progress through the air with unspeakable pleasure,

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all the greater by contrast with my
former terror of its approach. By land.

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Onward and upward, the noble animal
sailed, its head bent down almost

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between its knees, its fore feet
thrown back, its hinder legs trailing to

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rear like the legs of a soaring
heron. At a height of forty or

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fifty feet, as fond recollection presents
it to view, it attained its zenith,

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and appeared to remain an instant stationary, then tilting suddenly forward without altering

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the relative position of its parts.
It shot downward on a steeper and steeper

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course with augmenting velocity, passed immediately
above me with a noise like the rush

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of a cannon shot, and struck
my poor uncle almost squarely on the top

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of the head. So frightful was
the impact that not only the man's neck

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was broken, but the rope too, and the body of the deceased,

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forced against the earth, was crushed
to pulp beneath the awful front of that

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meteoric sheep. The concussion stopped all
the clocks between lone hand and Dutch dans,

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and Professor Davidson, a distinguished authority
in matters seismic, who happened to

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be in the vicinity, promptly explained
that the vibrations were from north to southwest

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altogether. I cannot help thinking that
in point of artistic atrocity, my murder

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of Uncle William has seldom been excelled, and of my favorite murder by Ambrose bears