WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.600 --> 00:00:07.839 Finding your safe place. Reproduction, distribution, public display and any other unauthorized 2 00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:12.080 use of this work, in whole or in part without the express written permission 3 00:00:12.119 --> 00:00:18.800 of the copyright holder, shall be prohibited. This work is protected by U 4 00:00:19.199 --> 00:00:27.239 S copyright laws and international treaties. All trademarks and trade names mentioned in this 5 00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:31.559 work are the property of their respective owners and are used here only for descriptive 6 00:00:31.640 --> 00:00:37.600 purposes. Any unauthorized use of this audio book will violate copyright and may be 7 00:00:37.640 --> 00:00:45.799 subject to legal sanctions. Copy RIH two thousand twenty- four stream Lili' 8 00:00:45.799 --> 00:00:50.640 s Secrets Law. All rights reserved. I' ll be straight and clear. 9 00:00:52.119 --> 00:00:55.600 You have an emotional wound if you meet a single requirement that I present 10 00:00:55.719 --> 00:01:00.119 to you next. You have problems maintaining healthy relationships, whether as a couple, 11 00:01:00.520 --> 00:01:06.599 as a friend or as a family. You constantly repeat the same type 12 00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:11.680 of partner or pattern of behavior in affective sex relationships. You have a hard 13 00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:18.079 time spending time with yourself alone. You' re afraid of engagement and partner 14 00:01:18.120 --> 00:01:23.560 intimacy. You feel the need to apologize for everything. You feel bad when 15 00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:29.200 things get out of your control, even if you can afford it. You 16 00:01:29.239 --> 00:01:34.920 make yourself feel guilty spending money on something that is not tremendously necessary. You 17 00:01:34.959 --> 00:01:40.200 ' re so afraid to make mistakes, you focus all your energies on others. 18 00:01:41.680 --> 00:01:44.519 You' re keeping an eye on each other' s emotions all the 19 00:01:44.519 --> 00:01:48.920 time. To know, how to act. You think you' re never 20 00:01:48.920 --> 00:01:57.280 enough. You stay in a hypervigilance state, feeling stressed out repeatedly. You 21 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:01.159 beat yourself up and you push yourself too hard. You feel upset when you 22 00:02:01.200 --> 00:02:07.120 need to talk to someone or ask for favors. You demand too much from 23 00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:12.319 others. You focus on meeting the needs of the rest, ignoring yours you 24 00:02:12.400 --> 00:02:19.840 have very few memories of your childhood or adolescence. You feel like you' 25 00:02:19.879 --> 00:02:25.039 re wasting your time when you rest, you analyze your behavior over and over 26 00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:28.639 after any social interaction. To stay calm, knowing you' ve done well, 27 00:02:30.039 --> 00:02:35.280 you need the approval of others to stay calm. You live with a 28 00:02:35.360 --> 00:02:39.759 very intense feeling of guilt. No apparent reason. If any of these points 29 00:02:39.840 --> 00:02:44.840 have removed you or generated some interest in you. This book is for you 30 00:02:46.240 --> 00:02:50.560 years ago. I understood that I had an emotional wound that I had to 31 00:02:50.680 --> 00:02:53.800 heal if I wanted to live in calm, but it wasn' t until 32 00:02:53.879 --> 00:02:55.639 a few months ago, when I lived a series of situations and came to 33 00:02:55.639 --> 00:03:00.520 terms with reality. And now I want you to open your eyes. So 34 00:03:00.560 --> 00:03:07.280 let' s start by evoking your memories, what you remember about your childhood 35 00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:10.960 and your adolescence, I bet you' ve ever traveled back in time and, 36 00:03:12.159 --> 00:03:15.759 wanting it or not, you' ve ended up mentally immersed in some 37 00:03:15.759 --> 00:03:19.000 part of your past. Sometimes it is smells, flavors or images that trigger 38 00:03:19.080 --> 00:03:24.159 memories. Other times it is stories shared out loud with others that evoke past 39 00:03:24.159 --> 00:03:30.319 times. The mind treasures in its reveques, those experiences that, in one 40 00:03:30.360 --> 00:03:34.879 way or another, have marked us, either for good or for bad. 41 00:03:36.159 --> 00:03:39.719 I will confess that, even though the brain has an extraordinary capacity to store 42 00:03:39.800 --> 00:03:45.439 negative experiences more than positive ones, the goal it always pursues in the face 43 00:03:45.479 --> 00:03:51.319 of any stimulus has a purpose to survive. From the moment we are born, 44 00:03:51.680 --> 00:03:55.560 we interact with the world around us and begin our first interpersonal relationships with 45 00:03:55.680 --> 00:04:00.159 those closest to us, from our parents, s s brothers and family in 46 00:04:00.240 --> 00:04:09.680 general, to known teacher friends. Everyone in some way is part of that 47 00:04:09.680 --> 00:04:15.479 complex network, able to condition how we perceive and process everything, because the 48 00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:17.920 way we see things is the one in which the environment educates us from the 49 00:04:19.439 --> 00:04:25.160 moment we are born. We are prepared to begin codifying in our minds who 50 00:04:25.240 --> 00:04:29.519 we are, what place we occupy and how we should treat ourselves and others. 51 00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:34.319 From the moment we are born, Our brain is putting in place various 52 00:04:34.399 --> 00:04:40.319 survival mechanisms that condition the way to perceive problems, to conceive danger, to 53 00:04:40.319 --> 00:04:47.199 process possible threats or to respond to fear. You know what I recently remembered 54 00:04:47.240 --> 00:04:51.519 was the first time I had an irrational fear. It was just one day 55 00:04:51.560 --> 00:04:56.079 that I acted the same way that when I was about seven years old, 56 00:04:56.480 --> 00:04:59.680 I went in the car with my parents. My father was driving me and 57 00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:03.639 my mother and I were traveling in the back seat back from spending a summer 58 00:05:03.680 --> 00:05:09.079 day in the country with the family. In the evening, my father was 59 00:05:09.199 --> 00:05:14.120 looking for parking in the area where we lived. At that time I was 60 00:05:14.199 --> 00:05:17.519 looking out the window, the few stars that could be appreciated from the neighborhood. 61 00:05:18.480 --> 00:05:23.319 Suddenly I felt a feeling of anguish that I had never experienced before. 62 00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:28.319 I thought about how sad it was to end that day and how unfair it 63 00:05:28.399 --> 00:05:30.600 would be for everything, including my life and that of my loved ones, 64 00:05:31.560 --> 00:05:36.920 to end in that instant. The restlessness invaded my body and the sadness I 65 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:42.000 felt for the end of the day. As you can suppose, it became 66 00:05:42.079 --> 00:05:46.959 even darker by my mind, without coming to account, I walked the possibility 67 00:05:46.040 --> 00:05:51.160 of having some terminal illness and dying. What a gloomy thought for a child. 68 00:05:51.399 --> 00:05:57.399 True, I have always been a very intense person and with some speed 69 00:05:57.399 --> 00:06:00.319 in the association of ideas and although at that time I was too small to 70 00:06:00.399 --> 00:06:04.519 understand what was happening to me with the passing of the years, I remembered 71 00:06:04.600 --> 00:06:10.439 fleetingly that moment and I could give you an explanation later, already thirty- 72 00:06:11.319 --> 00:06:13.839 one years old, I would return home by train. A few days ago. 73 00:06:13.879 --> 00:06:17.399 He had left town to take care of some work business. It was 74 00:06:17.439 --> 00:06:23.319 night and I was very tired. I leaned my head on the window glass 75 00:06:23.360 --> 00:06:28.160 so I could sleep a little before reaching destination. I was struck by the 76 00:06:28.240 --> 00:06:31.079 dark eye of the night, and I looked at whether from there I could 77 00:06:31.079 --> 00:06:35.279 see the stars. Immediately, my head decided it was time to recover that 78 00:06:35.319 --> 00:06:43.920 childhood memory and bring it to light. Why I looked around now. Although 79 00:06:43.959 --> 00:06:47.199 I had the feeling of having moved to a strange and unknown world, the 80 00:06:47.240 --> 00:06:53.079 reality is that nothing had changed in the car. I put on some headphones 81 00:06:53.199 --> 00:06:56.439 with music and dived deep into what had until then been a vague memory. 82 00:06:58.240 --> 00:07:00.920 Most likely, my mind had related my conduct of that moment to that of 83 00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:06.959 almost twenty- five years ago with the newly recovered memory. I went over 84 00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:13.560 everything and found a logical explanation. A few days before living that scene, 85 00:07:13.639 --> 00:07:16.839 in my parents' car, I had been present in an adult conversation about 86 00:07:16.920 --> 00:07:23.120 illness and death. We had visited a shrine where people used to bring offerings 87 00:07:23.160 --> 00:07:27.560 to a religious image so that their health, family, and love- related 88 00:07:27.600 --> 00:07:31.399 requests could be fulfilled. These offerings were wax figures of various forms, a 89 00:07:31.720 --> 00:07:36.680 heart, a kidney, a leg, human hair. According to the type 90 00:07:36.759 --> 00:07:42.399 of offering and the believer' s request, the figure varied. That image 91 00:07:42.439 --> 00:07:46.600 was engraved on me. I' ve never seen anything like it before, 92 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:50.600 even though it was so small, I firmly believe that I had enough empathy 93 00:07:50.720 --> 00:07:54.519 to feel the affliction of all those people begging. I am sure that this 94 00:07:54.519 --> 00:08:00.759 experience triggered the feeling of anguish and consequent psychosomatic symptoms such as dizziness without nausea. 95 00:08:01.800 --> 00:08:03.519 I related at the end of a day to the end of life. 96 00:08:05.360 --> 00:08:09.199 From that moment on, that situation was repeated every time the night arrived. 97 00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:16.600 I didn' t want to feel that, I didn' t want to 98 00:08:16.600 --> 00:08:18.920 think about it, but it was almost automatic. I never told my parents. 99 00:08:18.839 --> 00:08:24.079 I was ashamed to explain to them what was going on in my mind 100 00:08:24.120 --> 00:08:28.879 it seemed too grown up even to me and I did not want to be 101 00:08:28.879 --> 00:08:30.920 asked questions that I did not know how to answer. One day, that 102 00:08:30.959 --> 00:08:37.519 feeling just disappeared. I found a thought to fight me properly. The good 103 00:08:37.519 --> 00:08:39.879 thing that one day was over was that in a few hours the next one 104 00:08:39.879 --> 00:08:46.279 started. The funny thing is that, sitting on that train and totally unintentionally, 105 00:08:46.120 --> 00:08:50.759 my head kept reminiscing. It' s what happens every time we open 106 00:08:50.879 --> 00:08:54.600 a door to the past. The memories that have been waiting for years to 107 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:58.840 come out do it all to one like when you uncork a bottle of cava 108 00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:03.480 and the bubbles shoot out of the inside. I managed to recover another episode 109 00:09:03.600 --> 00:09:09.320 of irrational fear from my life. When I was ten, we moved into 110 00:09:09.399 --> 00:09:13.000 a slightly larger house, there were four of us in the family, and 111 00:09:13.039 --> 00:09:16.799 the last one was small. Our new home was so big compared to the 112 00:09:16.879 --> 00:09:20.759 previous one that you gave me for thinking that in some room you might have 113 00:09:20.840 --> 00:09:26.799 hidden someone to attack us or steal us. My father worked many hours away 114 00:09:26.840 --> 00:09:30.840 from home and my mother spent a lot of time alone with me and my 115 00:09:30.840 --> 00:09:35.120 sister. I' m the oldest of the two, so I developed a 116 00:09:35.200 --> 00:09:41.120 tremendous responsibility towards her, which sometimes also freaked out my mother. That' 117 00:09:41.240 --> 00:09:45.600 s why every day. For several weeks, I searched every room and closet 118 00:09:45.639 --> 00:09:50.159 in the new house in case there was anyone hiding who could hurt us. 119 00:09:52.519 --> 00:09:56.320 I remember that, in order not to raise suspicions, I did it singing 120 00:09:58.320 --> 00:10:03.879 and pretending to play stopped because I noticed that my mother started with a certain 121 00:10:03.879 --> 00:10:05.399 distrust of my behavior. No one' s home You can be quiet. 122 00:10:05.519 --> 00:10:11.600 He told me one day I was terribly embarrassed to get caught because somehow I 123 00:10:11.720 --> 00:10:16.360 wanted to keep pretending I was a normal, carefree girl. I think my 124 00:10:16.399 --> 00:10:20.720 mother told my father because a few days later, we both took a tour 125 00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:24.559 of the whole house, while he explained to me and showed how difficult it 126 00:10:24.600 --> 00:10:28.399 was for someone to come into the house without breaking the door or to fit 127 00:10:28.480 --> 00:10:33.120 in a closet or drawer. Of course my fear was completely irrational. In 128 00:10:33.159 --> 00:10:37.279 part it could be explained by my young age, but believe me. Age 129 00:10:37.320 --> 00:10:41.840 has nothing to do with you when such a powerful emotion takes hold of you 130 00:10:41.799 --> 00:10:46.159 and there are times when it triggers such three that it ends up dragging you 131 00:10:46.200 --> 00:10:52.759 with it to the absolute confusion and disconnection of reality from where that fear came 132 00:10:52.759 --> 00:10:56.200 from, how it was born. I' m clear today. At my 133 00:10:56.240 --> 00:11:01.320 young age I already needed to have everything under control and the fact that there 134 00:11:01.360 --> 00:11:05.320 were things like illness, death or some external danger that escaped me, made 135 00:11:05.360 --> 00:11:07.960 me feel vulnerable and fearful, which triggered my levels of rumination and anxiety. 136 00:11:11.200 --> 00:11:16.159 But there is even more, when I was eighteen years old I met the 137 00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:20.639 one who was my first partner and with her the irrational fear of abandonment. 138 00:11:20.799 --> 00:11:26.720 This relationship marked a before and after in my life. I' ve never 139 00:11:26.799 --> 00:11:30.480 had a boyfriend before and to me everything was a new and terrifying world. 140 00:11:30.919 --> 00:11:35.639 Until then, I believed myself to be a strong, independent woman with good 141 00:11:35.639 --> 00:11:39.799 self- esteem. In fact, by taking away some that another slipped into 142 00:11:39.799 --> 00:11:43.600 adolescence, he had managed to build me a strong personality. However, in 143 00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:48.240 that first relationship things didn' t go well and I could live in my 144 00:11:48.279 --> 00:11:52.919 own flesh, which was emotional dependence, not just with that couple, but 145 00:11:52.919 --> 00:11:58.879 with all those who came after. That bond was a great stimulus for fear 146 00:11:58.960 --> 00:12:01.480 of abandonment, fear of not being enough and not being loved or accepted by 147 00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:07.399 others. As I told you already in love, I love you since that 148 00:12:07.480 --> 00:12:15.360 time of my life I live with anxiety. Probably until that moment he had 149 00:12:15.399 --> 00:12:20.759 remained dormant somewhere in me, letting himself be seen timidly at some time, 150 00:12:22.039 --> 00:12:24.600 but that was the drop that filled the glass and triggered a problem with which 151 00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:31.240 I would live my whole life together. I' ve had some times of 152 00:12:31.559 --> 00:12:35.519 peace of mind less badly, but when anxiety strikes at the worst of its 153 00:12:35.879 --> 00:12:41.120 forms, I need to remember the work done so far and that' s 154 00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:45.399 just what happened. A few months ago. I just published I love you, 155 00:12:46.039 --> 00:12:48.559 I love you and I was euphoric with the tremendous reception from the readers. 156 00:12:48.639 --> 00:12:54.080 Thanks again, for everything, sales skyrocketed the printing presses, did not 157 00:12:54.159 --> 00:12:58.039 supply the media. They kept asking me for interviews. Travels to different cities 158 00:12:58.120 --> 00:13:03.320 to meet my readers were weekly. Beautiful words came to me unceasingly. Requests 159 00:13:03.399 --> 00:13:09.519 for collaborations with different entities were accumulated in my inbox. My patients and followers 160 00:13:11.600 --> 00:13:16.279 were getting extra help with my written words. My social networks had an incredible 161 00:13:16.320 --> 00:13:24.200 engagement. Everything was wonderful, everything I had dreamed of for years. I 162 00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:28.200 was making it happen and I, however, wasn' t happy. I 163 00:13:28.279 --> 00:13:33.960 felt that I had to take the size at all times to prove that I 164 00:13:33.960 --> 00:13:37.320 really am worth this profession, that I could not disappoint anyone, but no 165 00:13:37.320 --> 00:13:41.559 one forced me to anything. In fact, no one was pushing me, 166 00:13:41.360 --> 00:13:46.000 at least no one but me during my early years at work had a hard 167 00:13:46.000 --> 00:13:50.639 time. I didn' t make it to the end of the month and 168 00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:52.519 desperately looked for a hole in the world of psychology. And now that I 169 00:13:52.559 --> 00:13:56.919 had finally achieved it, I was afraid of losing that which had cost me 170 00:13:56.960 --> 00:14:01.799 so much effort and tears. That is why he demanded more and more for 171 00:14:01.279 --> 00:14:07.799 fear of returning to that hell new and greater self- imposed demands preceded the 172 00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:11.840 previous ones. Ever since I realized that I had always been very strict with 173 00:14:13.240 --> 00:14:16.559 myself, I knew myself that I deserved to be treated with more affection and 174 00:14:16.679 --> 00:14:20.000 I took it to the letter. But those months I was again my worst 175 00:14:20.039 --> 00:14:24.799 enemy and as if I had learned nothing during my years of personal work, 176 00:14:24.960 --> 00:14:33.320 I again mistreated what was happening to me. Although it took me a long 177 00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:35.840 time to make the move. Finally, I went to see my psychiatrist, 178 00:14:35.399 --> 00:14:39.240 Alejandro Belmar. He deserves to be named because he' s helped me a 179 00:14:39.240 --> 00:14:43.799 lot. It took me a bit, partly because I didn' t want 180 00:14:43.879 --> 00:14:48.559 to assume I was worse than ever, but I knew I had to, 181 00:14:48.879 --> 00:14:52.279 because I had a long feeling that something in me wasn' t right. 182 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:56.879 I told him what was happening to me and he asked me some technical questions 183 00:14:56.919 --> 00:15:01.320 similar to those I ask my patients. My surprise came when he asked me 184 00:15:01.320 --> 00:15:05.360 what I liked to do in my spare time and I didn' t know 185 00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:11.200 what to answer. I was paralyzed looking to infinity as I tried to think 186 00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:15.840 of something coherent from my trembling mouth. A somewhat shy walk went out and 187 00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:20.240 I started to cry suddenly I realized that I barely had time off and that, 188 00:15:20.440 --> 00:15:22.399 when I had it, I didn' t feel like doing anything. 189 00:15:24.440 --> 00:15:28.120 I was so tired that all I wanted was to sleep or disappear. There 190 00:15:28.159 --> 00:15:33.559 I understood how bad I was and how little I had heard years ago, 191 00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:37.600 since the 19- year- old pandemic began. In two thousand and twenty 192 00:15:37.679 --> 00:15:43.679 he had not stopped working. I felt the responsibility to be strong before everything 193 00:15:43.679 --> 00:15:46.440 that was happening so I could help others and I sat so much in others 194 00:15:46.559 --> 00:15:52.399 that once again I ended up forgetting about myself. The goat always throws on 195 00:15:52.519 --> 00:15:56.759 the mountain and in case you haven' t noticed yet, I am the 196 00:15:56.840 --> 00:16:00.440 goat and my self- exigency and desire to have everything dor under control are 197 00:16:00.440 --> 00:16:06.120 the mountain. As a result, anxiety broke into my life again this time 198 00:16:06.159 --> 00:16:10.840 with more force than usual. It was something I had been carrying since my 199 00:16:10.960 --> 00:16:15.559 first toxic couple relationship. In case you don' t remember, the pressure 200 00:16:15.639 --> 00:16:18.159 on my chest drowned me a little more every day. Nausea, abdominal pain, 201 00:16:18.480 --> 00:16:26.000 insomnia, tachycardia, and ringing in the ear became constant. I got 202 00:16:26.039 --> 00:16:29.840 dizzy in the middle of the mall, or I did think I would die 203 00:16:29.840 --> 00:16:33.519 of shame. Irrational fears appeared and were associated with even more incoherent ones. 204 00:16:33.519 --> 00:16:37.759 Just in case this wasn' t enough, the damn ruminations gave me a 205 00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:42.240 terrible headache. Day if I' d go too. A few hours after 206 00:16:42.320 --> 00:16:47.480 visiting the psychiatrist, I observed the two boxes of medication that I had prescribed 207 00:16:47.519 --> 00:16:52.440 later. It would be added to even three tablets. Every day I' 208 00:16:52.480 --> 00:16:56.240 ve never been afraid to take pills and I guarantee you this wasn' t 209 00:16:56.320 --> 00:17:00.039 the first time I took them. They are useful and exes exist for a 210 00:17:00.440 --> 00:17:03.799 reason our well- being. If one thing I' m clear about is 211 00:17:03.920 --> 00:17:07.279 that I, to this world, have not come to suffer, but to 212 00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:14.240 see myself Mary is a referent clapés psychologist in full success and with an incredible 213 00:17:14.279 --> 00:17:15.519 projection taking pills to be able to cope with everything cool that was happening to 214 00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:21.160 me. It made me feel even smaller. It seemed to me that the 215 00:17:21.319 --> 00:17:25.640 better I went in my professional life, the deeper I sank. The people 216 00:17:25.720 --> 00:17:29.599 around me didn' t understand anything, but yes, you have everything, 217 00:17:30.880 --> 00:17:36.599 nothing happens to you. You have to be happy and I thought I already 218 00:17:36.599 --> 00:17:38.960 know, I know I have to be happy. The problem is I want 219 00:17:40.039 --> 00:17:42.960 to be, but I can' t fuck around. It' s true. 220 00:17:44.960 --> 00:17:48.039 I' d been through a thousand shit years ago. Why I couldn 221 00:17:48.119 --> 00:17:51.519 ' t enjoy those moments that life and work well done, were giving me 222 00:17:51.599 --> 00:17:57.440 away. I just wanted to be happy. I could not settle in resignation 223 00:17:59.480 --> 00:18:03.839 a why to me eternal would not help me in anything. The answer to 224 00:18:03.000 --> 00:18:07.920 all this was as I already feared in my history in my past. There 225 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:11.920 were the keys I needed to answer all the reasons why the little duck was 226 00:18:12.039 --> 00:18:17.839 sticking out under the door of my consciousness. Day after day. That archaeology 227 00:18:17.960 --> 00:18:21.640 I had done years ago with myself and I did it every day with my 228 00:18:21.720 --> 00:18:26.640 patients. However, there were again the same questions. The situation was new 229 00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:30.400 but my mind' s reaction was very similar to that of many other times, 230 00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:34.960 so I knew it was time to get back to personal work. I 231 00:18:36.079 --> 00:18:41.599 was determined to find answers and face my past medication again, as if I 232 00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:44.680 had broken a foot and this was a cane that would help me walk or 233 00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:51.119 watch the molecules that physiologically had become unbalanced. But still, I had to 234 00:18:51.240 --> 00:18:56.799 do something else. I knew I couldn' t go with a cane all 235 00:18:56.799 --> 00:19:02.960 my life. I had to relearn to walk, so I built up courage 236 00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:07.119 and decided to continue against wind and tide. No. Psychologists are not exempt 237 00:19:07.240 --> 00:19:14.000 from mental health problems. Any person with a brain is susceptible to them, 238 00:19:14.200 --> 00:19:21.119 just as any person with a body can have physical health problems. Don' 239 00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:26.160 t doctors get sick The four situations in my life that I' ve just 240 00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:30.559 witnessed represent some of the many most revealing moments I' ve experienced. For 241 00:19:30.640 --> 00:19:34.000 me there are more things I want to tell you on these pages, but 242 00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:38.160 for me the most important goal is to provide you with those tools that I 243 00:19:38.160 --> 00:19:41.880 didn' t have in your day. I want this book to help you 244 00:19:41.000 --> 00:19:47.039 heal those wounds. I want these pages to help you remember and understand your 245 00:19:47.079 --> 00:19:51.400 story, to know the functioning of the brain in every situation, to understand 246 00:19:51.480 --> 00:19:55.319 the reality that the mind builds on what you have already experienced, to know 247 00:19:55.400 --> 00:19:59.839 what aspects of life have marked you and how they have conditioned you. I 248 00:20:00.039 --> 00:20:04.200 want this book to accompany you so I can answer questions like why I do 249 00:20:04.279 --> 00:20:08.880 what I do, why I feel what I feel, why I think what 250 00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:15.680 I think, where my discomfort comes from, how I have learned to perceive 251 00:20:15.759 --> 00:20:19.720 the world, how I have learned to relate to others and to myself, 252 00:20:21.720 --> 00:20:26.720 what is the origin of everything and the most important, what strategies I can 253 00:20:26.799 --> 00:20:30.640 put in place to heal my emotional wounds of the past and to live in 254 00:20:30.759 --> 00:20:34.640 peace my present Throughout these pages, I intend to guide you on a journey 255 00:20:34.680 --> 00:20:40.440 within you. We will delve into the depths of the brain, your memories 256 00:20:40.519 --> 00:20:45.160 and the scientific theories that support all my professional knowledge. I will accompany you 257 00:20:45.279 --> 00:20:51.079 from science, as well as from the empathy that arises from my own personal 258 00:20:51.079 --> 00:20:55.519 experience, because our lives may have been very different, but I also know 259 00:20:55.599 --> 00:20:59.680 what it is like to feel lost in the dark. Let' s open 260 00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:03.119 the pandora box of your life. Understanding your own story can help you heal 261 00:21:03.200 --> 00:21:08.039 today, but I will be honest, though it is very worthwhile. The 262 00:21:08.119 --> 00:21:12.759 road is hard. After reading this book, you will never see your life 263 00:21:12.920 --> 00:21:22.039 again In the same way you are prepared important notes. It is possible that 264 00:21:22.119 --> 00:21:26.240 reading what you have written on these pages removes you so take a break when 265 00:21:26.359 --> 00:21:30.759 you need it. Take a deep breath and follow when you' re ready. 266 00:21:30.839 --> 00:21:34.599 During reading, it may happen that you realize that you need to answer 267 00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:38.519 more questions than you propose, as well as to work on yourself. If 268 00:21:38.680 --> 00:21:44.440 so, do not hesitate and resort to a professional. This book contains a 269 00:21:44.519 --> 00:21:48.400 very novel knowledge of attachment and very valuable techniques for working with each other and 270 00:21:48.519 --> 00:21:53.680 with oneself. But remember that it is not therapy and does not replace medical 271 00:21:53.839 --> 00:21:59.839 or psychological service. Look at your pace, but read calmly and don' 272 00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:03.359 t be in a hurry. You will need to internalize all the information you 273 00:22:03.400 --> 00:22:08.119 will find in the following pages. The order of the chapters is designed to 274 00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:11.400 be read one after another, so I recommend that you not skip any of 275 00:22:11.519 --> 00:22:21.079 the events described in this book. In these pages you will find described strictly 276 00:22:21.240 --> 00:22:26.680 real personal experiences of the author herself. On the other hand, you can 277 00:22:26.799 --> 00:22:30.920 also read testimonies based on actual facts of these patients. The latter are slightly 278 00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:36.960 and moderately modified with the intention of safeguarding and respecting the identity and privacy of 279 00:22:37.000 --> 00:22:42.039 the persons involved. All the names used in the narrative are fictitious, so 280 00:22:42.119 --> 00:22:45.759 any resemblance to reality that the reader can find is the fruit of chance about 281 00:22:45.839 --> 00:22:52.960 grammar. The book uses the generic male, except in the last chapter, 282 00:22:53.440 --> 00:22:59.319 which is written in feminine. You will understand why to facilitate the reading of 283 00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:03.359 it, but it is dedicated to anyone who wants and needs to read it, 284 00:23:03.559 --> 00:23:08.039 regardless of their gender identity and expression. In childhood, the mental health 285 00:23:08.119 --> 00:23:14.279 of the adult is defined. We have to start at the beginning and the 286 00:23:14.400 --> 00:23:18.640 beginning is always childhood. At this stage of life is where the most interesting 287 00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:23.000 things happen. Not only do we have to go back to childhood when we 288 00:23:23.079 --> 00:23:26.799 sense that we may have experienced some painful episode in our brain. It' 289 00:23:27.000 --> 00:23:32.000 s encoded all the information we' ve been acquiring about absolutely everything. Therefore, 290 00:23:32.279 --> 00:23:36.319 whenever we need answers, we must make a journey into the past with 291 00:23:36.400 --> 00:23:40.720 the intention of relating it to our present and thus be able to explain all 292 00:23:40.799 --> 00:23:47.359 the events that are taking place today. Emotional guides. You probably don' 293 00:23:47.440 --> 00:23:52.680 t remember the stage when you were a baby is normal according to the latest 294 00:23:52.680 --> 00:23:55.400 studies on it. This is because in this period the brain is using a 295 00:23:55.440 --> 00:23:59.839 lot of energy, generating new neurons to learn and it is very difficult to 296 00:24:00.160 --> 00:24:04.240 store memories. At the same time, babies and children are sponges that absorb 297 00:24:04.279 --> 00:24:10.559 all the information around them, perceive moods and learn everything They learn by watching, 298 00:24:11.880 --> 00:24:17.960 touching, smelling, savoring, and listening. And this means that, 299 00:24:18.079 --> 00:24:22.319 according to those who are surrounded in childhood, the perspective we have of ourselves, 300 00:24:22.839 --> 00:24:26.680 of others and of the world will be different. Adults are emotional guides 301 00:24:26.759 --> 00:24:33.440 for the little ones. In most normal situations, these guides will be our 302 00:24:33.480 --> 00:24:37.799 parents, but our closest figures and primary caregivers may also be grandparents, uncles, 303 00:24:37.359 --> 00:24:45.480 a teacher, or a tutor. This learning can be explained through the 304 00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:52.079 theory of mirror neurons? Mirror neurons? Mirror neurons are a type of nerve 305 00:24:52.160 --> 00:25:00.000 cells responsible for unconsciously imitating other people' s behaviors. Young children are responsible 306 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.759 for neuronal development, which is to generate new synapses of neural connections in order 307 00:25:03.799 --> 00:25:11.880 to learn about the world around them. We can visualize these cells in motion 308 00:25:11.880 --> 00:25:17.400 when, for example, we yawn because we see another person yawning, when 309 00:25:17.480 --> 00:25:21.599 we see a YouTube tutorial and imitate what we see, when someone we are 310 00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:25.359 talking to crosses our arms and retreat back in tune with their uncomfortable posture, 311 00:25:25.559 --> 00:25:30.480 or when we feel empathy for other people. Well, it turns out these 312 00:25:30.559 --> 00:25:34.079 neurons are working just as soon as they come into the world. That' 313 00:25:34.119 --> 00:25:38.200 s why some babies smile when they' re smiling or usually mimic the facial 314 00:25:38.240 --> 00:25:45.680 expressions of their caregivers. This characteristic of our brain explains one of the forms 315 00:25:45.720 --> 00:25:49.839 of learning that observation has the smallest. The other would be by trial and 316 00:25:49.839 --> 00:25:55.160 error. A couple of days ago I spent the afternoon with Julia, my 317 00:25:55.240 --> 00:25:57.799 three- year- old cousin, and I witnessed an instant when she learned 318 00:25:57.920 --> 00:26:03.680 by observation. When I' m with young children, I like to analyze 319 00:26:03.799 --> 00:26:07.640 the things they do and how they react to certain situations of the trade, 320 00:26:07.960 --> 00:26:11.400 I guess, but it' s not until they happen that I pay attention 321 00:26:11.519 --> 00:26:15.279 to them, and the truth is that they never stop surprising me. Julia 322 00:26:15.400 --> 00:26:18.000 came to my office while her mom was having coffee with my mom in the 323 00:26:18.039 --> 00:26:25.799 living room of my house and told me what you' re doing cousin and 324 00:26:25.960 --> 00:26:30.160 I was just writing this book. I answered him. I' m working, 325 00:26:30.559 --> 00:26:33.920 but I think I' m gonna play music to dance to her. 326 00:26:34.000 --> 00:26:38.000 She got excited and told me to put on the arek of the deniey frosen 327 00:26:40.039 --> 00:26:44.240 movie I put it but I also plugged in some colored lights that I have 328 00:26:44.359 --> 00:26:47.400 on the ceiling and told her that we were going to turn the room into 329 00:26:47.400 --> 00:26:52.160 a discotheque. The little girl was hallucinating and dancing very happy. When the 330 00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:56.920 song was over, we went down to the pool, spent the afternoon in 331 00:26:56.240 --> 00:27:00.079 the water and as we got back home, Julia remembered perfectly how she had 332 00:27:00.200 --> 00:27:03.519 turned on the lights and went to do it on her own. I hadn 333 00:27:03.599 --> 00:27:07.279 ' t explained to her before how she was doing. He just saw me 334 00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:11.480 do it and after a few hours he was able to imitate me. Before 335 00:27:11.519 --> 00:27:15.200 I took the plug, I explained what was best for the elders to do. 336 00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:22.160 So as I turned the lights back on, she screamed happy disco. 337 00:27:23.079 --> 00:27:30.000 Right now I witnessed my cousin' s mirror neurons doing theirs. These cells 338 00:27:30.079 --> 00:27:34.880 are intimately related to the right hemisphere of the brain, which is dominant during 339 00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:40.720 the first two years of life. This time is enough to establish the type 340 00:27:40.759 --> 00:27:44.920 of attachment that will define us which means that mirror neurons have a lot to 341 00:27:44.960 --> 00:27:51.319 do with our future development. Mirror neurons are there doing their homework and are 342 00:27:51.400 --> 00:27:56.400 the absolute protagonists of the childhood stage. During this time they have an intensive 343 00:27:56.480 --> 00:28:00.160 working day, they spend hours and hours full and are, as Jayo Gome 344 00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:03.799 said, in a kind of neuronal Wi FI network that communicates them directly with 345 00:28:03.880 --> 00:28:10.359 their parents' WIFY network. That is why we say that when an adult 346 00:28:10.519 --> 00:28:15.279 deals with a child, he throws through these mechanisms three types of message unconsciously. 347 00:28:17.440 --> 00:28:19.519 One how am I perceiving you for how I treat you ergo, in 348 00:28:19.599 --> 00:28:25.200 what way should you perceive yourself? Two, in what way do I perceive 349 00:28:25.200 --> 00:28:27.000 the world, how do I teach you to explore it or to face the 350 00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:32.559 eergo? How should you perceive the world? Three, how should you perceive 351 00:28:32.640 --> 00:28:36.359 others, how do you bond with me? How are you going to bond 352 00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:41.680 with the others? Imagine you could silence the story of your life. The 353 00:28:41.759 --> 00:28:47.160 idea is to eliminate the sound of your childhood and adolescence and leave only the 354 00:28:47.279 --> 00:28:51.680 images and sensations. Once this is done, what you have left is the 355 00:28:51.759 --> 00:28:56.200 nonverbal message that your parents or caregivers gave you about the world. That' 356 00:28:56.200 --> 00:29:00.200 s interesting. True, if you could do this, what would remain of 357 00:29:00.200 --> 00:29:08.200 you. You' ve thought about it once we organize memories for sensations when 358 00:29:08.319 --> 00:29:11.240 we teleport with our minds to the past. Rarely do we usually remember sounds 359 00:29:11.319 --> 00:29:17.000 unless they are directly related to something very shocking. Most of the time they 360 00:29:17.079 --> 00:29:21.960 are emotional images, although we do not usually remember the exact forms of the 361 00:29:21.960 --> 00:29:25.920 message. If we remember the contents and how they influenced us, for better 362 00:29:26.039 --> 00:29:30.880 or for worse I will tell you a short story with a great moral. 363 00:29:32.359 --> 00:29:36.640 I once went to the grocery store and while reasoning with myself because it was 364 00:29:36.799 --> 00:29:40.839 better to buy the pea breast than the cooked ham the little voice of a 365 00:29:40.960 --> 00:29:45.319 child interrupted my mental movement. Dad Today at school we painted with our hands 366 00:29:45.400 --> 00:29:49.880 and David stained my shirt. I told her I was going to tell the 367 00:29:49.960 --> 00:29:56.160 teacher and she didn' t care. The father went to his things without 368 00:29:56.200 --> 00:30:00.480 even looking at his son, the child. Meanwhile he repeated the story over 369 00:30:00.559 --> 00:30:06.359 and over again behind the back of his caretaker. Dad, you' re 370 00:30:06.359 --> 00:30:10.400 listening to me. It gave me the feeling that the boy was starting to 371 00:30:10.440 --> 00:30:14.519 get angry and he was right, because his father was passing Olympic on to 372 00:30:14.519 --> 00:30:19.240 him. Dad screamed. In the end, the father suddenly turned around and 373 00:30:19.359 --> 00:30:26.759 told him not to shout loudly. What do you think the child will remember 374 00:30:26.880 --> 00:30:33.200 about that situation? You think he learned not to scream, because he did 375 00:30:33.279 --> 00:30:37.000 not learn two very important things and I assure you that none had to do 376 00:30:37.119 --> 00:30:41.720 with the direct intention of the father. What you really processed with your mirror 377 00:30:41.839 --> 00:30:44.799 neurons through your neural Wi FI network and what you will therefore remember is if 378 00:30:44.920 --> 00:30:51.119 I scream they take me into consideration and I can feel that I have a 379 00:30:51.200 --> 00:30:56.680 value as a person. My father doesn' t care if I tell him 380 00:30:56.759 --> 00:30:59.960 my problems, which means it' s better that I don' t tell 381 00:31:00.160 --> 00:31:04.799 them anymore because totally so that if he won' t listen to me And 382 00:31:04.880 --> 00:31:08.759 since this doesn' t just remain in something anecdotal of childhood, we' 383 00:31:08.799 --> 00:31:12.200 re going to dive into the theory of attachment to understand the extent to which 384 00:31:12.319 --> 00:31:18.920 this kind of situation influences us the theory of attachment. Biyon boy Vi was 385 00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:22.720 a psychoanalyst who devoted much of his life to studying development in childhood and its 386 00:31:22.799 --> 00:31:29.160 impact on adulthood. His contribution to the most important and known psychology was the 387 00:31:29.240 --> 00:31:33.920 theory of attachment, which defends the need to build secure links and the importance 388 00:31:33.079 --> 00:31:37.000 of having a primary bond with a reference adult during childhood for good psychoaffective development. 389 00:31:40.480 --> 00:31:44.079 He stated that the kind of emotional bond we had in childhood with our 390 00:31:44.160 --> 00:31:48.680 parents or guardians has a great influence on our relationships as adults, whether with 391 00:31:48.720 --> 00:31:53.039 others or with ourselves. Attachment is therefore also the way in which people perceive 392 00:31:53.119 --> 00:32:01.559 and respond to intimacy. Safety, care and protection are the words that define 393 00:32:01.680 --> 00:32:06.400 a secure attachment, the kind of bond that determines that a child feels protected 394 00:32:06.519 --> 00:32:09.279 and safe in the environment so that he or she can explore the world around 395 00:32:10.680 --> 00:32:15.200 him or her how attachment is built. As I explained to you in I 396 00:32:15.519 --> 00:32:20.160 love you, the attachment system is activated in situations of threat to those that 397 00:32:20.200 --> 00:32:24.039 the child does not know and is responsible for providing security. When activated, 398 00:32:24.440 --> 00:32:29.400 the child searches for the adult through protest behaviors and, depending on the response, 399 00:32:29.839 --> 00:32:34.599 the child will develop a secure attachment or end up developing another kind of 400 00:32:34.920 --> 00:32:40.640 anxious, evasive or avoidative or disorganized attachment. The experiment on the strange situation 401 00:32:40.720 --> 00:32:46.960 of Mary Answorth. This is one of my favorite psychological experiments to explain how 402 00:32:47.039 --> 00:32:51.599 each of the types of attachment in babies looks, characteristics that will continue to 403 00:32:51.680 --> 00:32:58.119 drag into adulthood. It was designed by psychologist Mary Answorth, a student of 404 00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:01.519 John Bobby, with the aim of continuing to research his teacher' s theory 405 00:33:01.599 --> 00:33:06.240 and classifying the type of attachment of children. It was made in the year 406 00:33:06.319 --> 00:33:09.599 nineteen hundred and sixty- nine with 18- month- old babies and their 407 00:33:09.599 --> 00:33:15.519 corresponding mothers. The idea was to observe how the little ones reacted to a 408 00:33:15.599 --> 00:33:20.680 brief separation from their mothers attachment figures. The order of the situations was this 409 00:33:22.119 --> 00:33:24.720 one. The baby and mother enter a room full of toys and a couple 410 00:33:24.880 --> 00:33:32.359 of chairs. Mom starts playing with baby three. The mother sits in one 411 00:33:32.519 --> 00:33:39.680 of the four chairs, the baby plays alone, five enters someone unknown and 412 00:33:39.799 --> 00:33:45.640 sits in the other chair. Six, the mom leaves the room and leaves 413 00:33:45.720 --> 00:33:51.839 the babies alone with the unknown person. Seven reaction of the baby to separation 414 00:33:51.920 --> 00:33:58.960 and stranger. Eight the mother enters again and calms the baby nine reaction of 415 00:33:59.079 --> 00:34:02.640 the baby to the king. I find ten, the strange person leaves the 416 00:34:02.720 --> 00:34:07.679 room and leaves the mother alone with the baby. Eleven mom leaves the room 417 00:34:07.719 --> 00:34:14.440 and leaves the baby alone. Twelve of the baby' s reaction to separation. 418 00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:19.559 The most interesting thing about the study was to observe and note what the 419 00:34:19.639 --> 00:34:23.880 baby' s reactions to separation were like and to meet with his attachment figure 420 00:34:24.320 --> 00:34:30.480 From these einport observations I drew the following conclusions. With this data one of 421 00:34:30.559 --> 00:34:36.760 the most important theories of psychology was developed in relation to established links. Later, 422 00:34:37.159 --> 00:34:39.480 the fourth type of attachment that he mentioned earlier, the disorganized attachment, 423 00:34:39.920 --> 00:34:45.559 was discovered. Consider the characteristics attributed to each type of attachment according to the 424 00:34:45.639 --> 00:34:52.280 relationship with parents in childhood. For this I will recover the definitions that you 425 00:34:52.400 --> 00:34:55.559 could already read in I love you because they seem quite complete and a good 426 00:34:55.639 --> 00:35:02.440 starting point to continue deepening. In secure attachment theory it is associated with the 427 00:35:02.480 --> 00:35:07.519 feeling that parents are a stable basis on which to trust. Parents of children 428 00:35:07.599 --> 00:35:13.039 who grow up with secure attachment respond to the emotional needs of their children and 429 00:35:13.159 --> 00:35:17.239 are perceived by them. Like shelter people. No child with secure attachment is 430 00:35:17.280 --> 00:35:22.880 afraid of being abandoned by his or her parents because somehow he or she knows 431 00:35:22.000 --> 00:35:28.400 that cannot happen. Safe attachment allows the child to explore, know the world 432 00:35:28.440 --> 00:35:32.039 and relate to others under the tranquility of feeling that the person with whom he 433 00:35:32.119 --> 00:35:37.199 or she has that bond of attachment and who he or she considers to be 434 00:35:37.239 --> 00:35:38.440 a shelter person or reference to an adult will be there to protect him or 435 00:35:38.440 --> 00:35:43.639 her. Safe children are children who suffer when separated from their parents, but 436 00:35:43.639 --> 00:35:49.039 who calm down when they meet with them again. When this does not happen, 437 00:35:49.480 --> 00:35:52.440 fears and insecurities influence how they interpret the world around them and relationships with 438 00:35:52.519 --> 00:36:01.760 others and with themselves. As you will see, then or avoidive, he 439 00:36:01.880 --> 00:36:08.320 associates with distant parents and emotionally unaffordable in his relationship with himself, the child 440 00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:15.679 growing up feeling rejected, unloved and undervalued. It is important to note that, 441 00:36:15.880 --> 00:36:19.519 even if the child feels unloved or valued, it does not mean that 442 00:36:19.639 --> 00:36:22.800 his parents did not want it, but probably did not know how to convey 443 00:36:22.880 --> 00:36:27.760 that affection or they took it for granted and did not believe that it was 444 00:36:27.760 --> 00:36:30.079 necessary to say it explicitly. That' s why we' re talking about 445 00:36:30.079 --> 00:36:32.760 the child' s feelings. As a result, he had no choice but 446 00:36:32.840 --> 00:36:38.079 to learn to be self- sufficient. This, paradoxically, causes him to 447 00:36:38.199 --> 00:36:42.880 show himself before others as a child safe from himself and from the environment around 448 00:36:42.960 --> 00:36:45.440 him. But this behavior is nothing more than a barrier that has had to 449 00:36:45.480 --> 00:36:52.960 learn to build for its own emotional survival. Apparently, children with evasive attachment 450 00:36:52.039 --> 00:36:55.880 do not suffer or suffer when the environment changes or separates from parents, although 451 00:36:55.880 --> 00:37:00.559 it has been shown that they do generate stress. This quality is reflected in 452 00:37:00.599 --> 00:37:07.639 the emotional distance they often have towards other anxious attachments is associated with parents who 453 00:37:07.760 --> 00:37:14.000 are sometimes available to their children, but it is not always related to inconsistency 454 00:37:14.119 --> 00:37:21.119 in care and safety behaviors. Faced with this inconsistency, the child understands that 455 00:37:21.159 --> 00:37:24.360 the environment is not stable. This makes it grow with the feeling that the 456 00:37:24.480 --> 00:37:29.280 world is a dangerous place, even though nothing really has ever happened to it 457 00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:32.199 and that anything can happen at any time, for example, to be abandoned 458 00:37:32.559 --> 00:37:37.239 by what ultimately creates fear. And anxiety about the environment and insecurity in himself, 459 00:37:37.559 --> 00:37:40.800 as the terror he develops by believing that the world is too changing can 460 00:37:40.920 --> 00:37:46.480 make him unable to cope with it. Children with anxious attachment suffer a great 461 00:37:46.559 --> 00:37:51.679 deal when they separate from parents and take a long time to calm down when 462 00:37:52.159 --> 00:37:58.239 separation ends disorganized attachment. This attachment is a mixture between anxious attachment and avoidive 463 00:37:58.360 --> 00:38:05.800 attachment, in which the child experiences contradictory and inappropriate parenting behaviors. Caregivers of 464 00:38:05.840 --> 00:38:13.920 these children can sometimes express proximity and other times randomly and intermittently avoid. They 465 00:38:13.960 --> 00:38:17.840 react disproportionately to the same situation. They can act aggressively or in a charming 466 00:38:17.920 --> 00:38:24.639 and manipulative way. Neglect and insecurity in the care and affection received are also 467 00:38:24.719 --> 00:38:30.239 associated with children who did not know how to respect the limits and intimacy victims 468 00:38:30.320 --> 00:38:37.480 in childhood of painful and highly stressful episodes that are chronicled. Children with disorganized 469 00:38:37.599 --> 00:38:43.840 attachment, when reunited with their primary human caregiver, as we will see below, 470 00:38:44.320 --> 00:38:47.159 can react with contrary behaviors, such as looking away when they are embraced 471 00:38:47.239 --> 00:38:53.400 or approaching the attachment figure in a sad or fearful way. When we are 472 00:38:53.480 --> 00:38:58.639 born we are dependent beings. We need others to feed, sleep, be 473 00:38:59.000 --> 00:39:06.079 clean, feel comfortable and calm our emotional needs. This dependence is necessary and 474 00:39:06.159 --> 00:39:13.079 essential to become autonomous and functional adults over time. If our primary caregivers will 475 00:39:13.199 --> 00:39:16.519 focus only on providing basic care, leaving aside emotional care, healthy psycho- 476 00:39:17.159 --> 00:39:22.400 affective development would be interrupted, which would be tantamount to problems in the future. 477 00:39:24.280 --> 00:39:30.440 Babies cannot self- regulate their emotions alone. They cannot, for example, 478 00:39:30.800 --> 00:39:36.039 feel fear and calm themselves. You imagine a baby talking to himself to 479 00:39:36.119 --> 00:39:40.239 calm down. Well, I know you' re scared and lonely right now, 480 00:39:40.559 --> 00:39:46.280 but look, you got nothing to be afraid of, come calm down, 481 00:39:46.599 --> 00:39:50.719 it' s gonna be okay. I' m afraid this is unworkable. 482 00:39:51.719 --> 00:39:55.679 They need a sensitive adult who is available to meet their needs and to 483 00:39:58.079 --> 00:40:01.920 co- regulate babies and children are, let' s say, designed to 484 00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:07.559 broadcast protest behaviors to primary caregivers in order to get their attention and that they 485 00:40:07.599 --> 00:40:13.039 meet their needs. Be these the kind of protest behavior, you' ll 486 00:40:14.480 --> 00:40:19.480 be wondering what a protest behavior in I love you I wanted to explain how 487 00:40:19.519 --> 00:40:23.599 this phenomenon appeared dysfunctional in adults in the absence of skills to establish effective communication 488 00:40:23.719 --> 00:40:30.400 with other people. However, in babies and children, or existence is perfectly 489 00:40:30.480 --> 00:40:36.159 explained in evolutionary terms. It is very common for you to give yourself every 490 00:40:36.199 --> 00:40:39.280 time your reference attachment figures or caregivers separate themselves from them until contact is restored. 491 00:40:42.360 --> 00:40:46.679 This behavior usually appears mainly in the form of crying and is born from 492 00:40:46.760 --> 00:40:52.039 the need for proximity, safety and protection, or from the pain generated by 493 00:40:52.119 --> 00:40:54.519 the separation of the figure of a loved one and the feeling of abandonment it 494 00:40:54.519 --> 00:41:02.119 produces. I get bored, I cry, I feel lonely, I complain, 495 00:41:02.599 --> 00:41:05.199 I don' t fly, I don' t see my primary caregiver. 496 00:41:06.239 --> 00:41:14.000 I pout, I' m hungry, I scream, I' m 497 00:41:14.199 --> 00:41:17.639 sleepy, I pull my hair and I cry. My belly hurts. I 498 00:41:17.800 --> 00:41:24.239 cry even louder. I' m scared. I cry, I pooped and 499 00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:30.880 upset my diaper. I complain again. Embedded protest behavior and children is a 500 00:41:31.360 --> 00:41:36.840 normal and functional attachment behavior that is used primarily to attract adult attention and thus 501 00:41:36.920 --> 00:41:45.239 meet physiological and emotional needs. The goal of this behavior is to transfer the 502 00:41:45.599 --> 00:41:50.400 adult also as children can and know they need to regulate themselves. A young 503 00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:53.000 man may speak and a child may not know how to express exactly what happens 504 00:41:53.199 --> 00:41:59.119 to him, but both will look for ways to convey their protests and thereby 505 00:41:59.239 --> 00:42:02.199 communicate their need to the adult. Crying, bad behavior, suspense, lack 506 00:42:02.280 --> 00:42:08.039 of concentration, or any unusual behavior. It can also be a form of 507 00:42:08.039 --> 00:42:15.039 language, as you can imagine, the goal of protest behavior is to survive. 508 00:42:15.440 --> 00:42:21.840 Sn theory you' ve ever played SIMS in case you don' t 509 00:42:21.920 --> 00:42:27.280 know them. This is a series of social simulation video games. The game 510 00:42:27.400 --> 00:42:31.960 allows you to handle virtually anything and you can create characters in lathes and stories 511 00:42:32.079 --> 00:42:38.960 and simulate an entire life at the bottom right of the screen usually appears the 512 00:42:39.079 --> 00:42:44.159 character and a series of green bars that will turn red as the vital needs 513 00:42:44.239 --> 00:42:49.519 of the character increase, such as hunger or sleep. The player is, 514 00:42:49.960 --> 00:42:54.079 in this case, in charge of meeting the needs of the sn If he 515 00:42:54.159 --> 00:42:58.960 is hungry, the player must order his character to do the eating action to 516 00:42:59.000 --> 00:43:04.679 prevent him from dying if you are sleepy the same and so on, the 517 00:43:05.800 --> 00:43:08.719 sim will only enjoy general good health if all the bars are green and if 518 00:43:08.800 --> 00:43:15.800 he is abandoned and his basic needs are not met. He ends up dying, 519 00:43:16.000 --> 00:43:20.880 because with babies and children it happens the same way. I' ll 520 00:43:21.000 --> 00:43:23.400 explain if we' re strappling this metaphor to real life. Players are adults 521 00:43:23.480 --> 00:43:31.800 and sims, babies and children, emotional invalidation in childhood. Some authors mention 522 00:43:31.880 --> 00:43:36.920 that it is right to let a baby sleep alone and in a separate room 523 00:43:37.000 --> 00:43:40.880 from six months old. They defend that, no matter how much you cry, 524 00:43:42.400 --> 00:43:45.239 the baby has to learn to sleep alone and in the dark. But 525 00:43:45.280 --> 00:43:50.360 you want me to tell you I don' t agree with this. You 526 00:43:50.480 --> 00:43:54.679 imagine such a small thing facing alone in the darkness of the night. Of 527 00:43:54.800 --> 00:43:59.840 course not, José Manuel, but if I am thirty- two years old, 528 00:44:00.079 --> 00:44:02.519 if I panic when I go to the country and in the middle of 529 00:44:02.599 --> 00:44:07.719 the night I have to go to the bathroom alone with the flashlight, I 530 00:44:07.800 --> 00:44:10.760 always ask someone to accompany me rationally. I know very well that I don 531 00:44:10.840 --> 00:44:15.559 ' t have to be afraid of anything. At best I can find myself 532 00:44:15.599 --> 00:44:19.599 along the way some tiny spider or a couple of ants, but the lack 533 00:44:19.639 --> 00:44:22.000 of light prevents me from controlling the environment and that makes me feel vulnerable. 534 00:44:23.000 --> 00:44:27.800 I know perfectly well that being accompanied is not going to get rid of the 535 00:44:29.639 --> 00:44:32.440 bite of some mosquito and, in the worst case scenario, I would not 536 00:44:32.559 --> 00:44:37.199 get rid of the attack of some serial killer at maccole miers. But being 537 00:44:37.239 --> 00:44:42.320 accompanied gives me security, just like when we are children, and accompanying and 538 00:44:42.400 --> 00:44:45.599 emotional regulation by an adult makes us feel that we can explore the environment without 539 00:44:45.639 --> 00:44:52.760 fear. Why, then, a six- month- old baby should feel 540 00:44:52.840 --> 00:44:57.400 brave without that attachment figure, moving him safely with his single presence. You 541 00:44:57.519 --> 00:45:02.079 would like to feel afraid to ask for help and see that even being surrounded 542 00:45:02.199 --> 00:45:06.599 by people you love close the door and let you cry in the dark until 543 00:45:06.679 --> 00:45:12.400 you reach exhaustion. This practice doesn' t make much sense. However, 544 00:45:12.760 --> 00:45:15.880 there have always been many myths about childhood that have conditioned the way children are 545 00:45:15.960 --> 00:45:22.400 raised and unfortunately, although I hope not, they are still very much present 546 00:45:22.679 --> 00:45:27.360 in the 21st century and this, unfortunately, continues to lead us to experience 547 00:45:27.360 --> 00:45:36.079 situations of emotional invalidity in childhood and adolescence. Here are some examples of emotional 548 00:45:36.159 --> 00:45:38.760 override in childhood that I' m sure sounds good to you because you' 549 00:45:38.840 --> 00:45:44.840 ve heard them or because you' ve lived them and their most common consequences 550 00:45:44.840 --> 00:45:49.840 are children. They don' t know about any consequences. You end up 551 00:45:49.960 --> 00:45:54.719 witnessing situations and conversations that don' t match your age. This is because 552 00:45:54.880 --> 00:46:01.360 I say so. Consequences you learn to meet standards without understanding them and without 553 00:46:01.400 --> 00:46:07.400 developing critical thinking. Don' t complain that in my day everything will be 554 00:46:07.400 --> 00:46:13.039 worse. Consequences you understand that there will always be someone with a much worse 555 00:46:13.159 --> 00:46:15.119 discomfort than yours and that you do not deserve understanding or compassion for what happens 556 00:46:15.119 --> 00:46:20.719 to you. Your emotions aren' t as important as those of other people 557 00:46:20.800 --> 00:46:23.719 as if they' re having a hard time. Really. This is curious, 558 00:46:23.840 --> 00:46:28.440 because it determines that something will generate more or less discomfort. After all, 559 00:46:28.599 --> 00:46:34.559 the emotional discomfort a person may feel is objective. In the following chapters 560 00:46:34.639 --> 00:46:38.519 we will talk about this leave what weeps that if you do not manipulate to 561 00:46:38.599 --> 00:46:42.400 get caught and then want to always be in arms or leave what we cry. 562 00:46:42.800 --> 00:46:50.360 It' s good to cry in sáncha the lungs consequences you understand that 563 00:46:50.360 --> 00:46:55.639 no one attends to your crying, according to psychologist Manuel Hernández Pacheco, one 564 00:46:55.719 --> 00:46:58.880 of my current top references in the theory of attachment. If we left a 565 00:46:58.960 --> 00:47:02.079 baby in the middle of a forest without the accompaniment of an adult, he 566 00:47:02.159 --> 00:47:08.360 would start crying immediately after the separation of protest behavior, before the feeling of 567 00:47:08.360 --> 00:47:14.599 abandonment. He would cry minutes and even time without stopping waiting and wishing that 568 00:47:14.679 --> 00:47:17.239 the adult would listen to him and come to his rescue so that he could 569 00:47:17.239 --> 00:47:22.199 regulate his needs. It would pass the time without the baby being able to 570 00:47:22.280 --> 00:47:25.559 calm down on its own, while its needs would continue to increase eventually. 571 00:47:27.039 --> 00:47:31.480 The babies would finally stop crying. Why should we imagine that neither the cold 572 00:47:31.559 --> 00:47:37.360 nor the heat nor the animals could have harmed him? Why, then the 573 00:47:37.519 --> 00:47:43.079 baby would stop crying. He' s managed to calm himself down. No. 574 00:47:44.199 --> 00:47:46.920 The correct answer is somewhat darker. The baby has proven that crying, 575 00:47:47.280 --> 00:47:52.199 the only tool he knows to broadcast his protests and thus calm his needs, 576 00:47:52.880 --> 00:47:55.840 does not work. He' s exhausted and decided to stop using it. 577 00:47:57.880 --> 00:48:00.440 Your need for regulation is still there. It has many bars in red, 578 00:48:00.760 --> 00:48:05.239 as in sims, without the assistance of an adult who perceives them, the 579 00:48:05.360 --> 00:48:12.679 baby is likely to end up dying physiologically. Speaking. Yes, it has 580 00:48:12.840 --> 00:48:15.719 resulted in an exhaustion of his adrenal system. Psychiatrist Marian Rojas calls it cortisol 581 00:48:15.840 --> 00:48:23.280 exhaustion, which prevents her from continuing to seek help in some way. In 582 00:48:23.360 --> 00:48:27.920 the physiological plane, what happens is that the body itself has tired of keeping 583 00:48:28.000 --> 00:48:32.840 alert and can no longer generate more stress. With this. I don' 584 00:48:32.880 --> 00:48:37.159 t mean that a baby will die from letting him sleep alone and in the 585 00:48:37.400 --> 00:48:39.559 dark, but I do believe that over the years it will have consequences. 586 00:48:40.719 --> 00:48:45.440 We are talking about a person who, at his young age, is beginning 587 00:48:45.480 --> 00:48:51.360 to discover that his primary caregivers are not always available. You imagine telling your 588 00:48:51.440 --> 00:48:54.199 partner not to ask me for hugs, then I give them to you and 589 00:48:54.239 --> 00:48:59.480 you get used to them or a friend who has a problem. She cries 590 00:48:59.480 --> 00:49:06.599 like that in the lungs while you ignore her sounds pretty invalid. Not the 591 00:49:06.679 --> 00:49:09.960 best thing you can do is dedicate yourself to this profession one that your parents 592 00:49:12.400 --> 00:49:15.400 consider worthy consequences. You learn to pursue a desire of your parents projected on 593 00:49:15.719 --> 00:49:21.639 you and not your own. And for more, sinri since they will positively 594 00:49:21.719 --> 00:49:27.199 reinforce any conduct related to their desire, you will feel that good things only 595 00:49:27.280 --> 00:49:30.239 happen when your behavior is directed towards achieving those goals that have indirectly imposed you. 596 00:49:31.840 --> 00:49:35.760 This will make you feel good and valid when you do what your parents 597 00:49:35.840 --> 00:49:39.360 want and guilty when you do something else completely different, even if you like 598 00:49:39.480 --> 00:49:45.280 it and fill you more if you obey you are good or if you behave 599 00:49:45.280 --> 00:49:51.719 badly. I don' t want any consequences for you You understand that for 600 00:49:51.840 --> 00:49:53.760 others to love you, it' s important to behave submissively. That' 601 00:49:53.800 --> 00:50:00.000 ll make you have trouble setting limits. You' ll probably end up developing 602 00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:02.960 money. The so- called good girl' s syndrome. You set a 603 00:50:04.039 --> 00:50:07.599 limit and they respond with indignation with what I love you and you go and 604 00:50:07.719 --> 00:50:13.519 you do this to me consequences these kinds of phrases are used as manipulation. 605 00:50:14.519 --> 00:50:17.199 You learn that putting boundaries in a relationship is bad, because that means you 606 00:50:17.360 --> 00:50:22.320 don' t want the other person. This will be reflected in your relationship 607 00:50:22.400 --> 00:50:27.840 later on and if you don' t want to give the guy a kiss, 608 00:50:29.519 --> 00:50:34.079 come give him that he loves you a lot of consequences. You learn 609 00:50:34.199 --> 00:50:37.320 that your limits are worthless and that it is important to do what is expected 610 00:50:37.320 --> 00:50:40.480 of you. Whether you like it or not. In fact, one of 611 00:50:40.519 --> 00:50:45.320 the keys to preventing sexual abuse in childhood is to respect such limits always. 612 00:50:46.559 --> 00:50:50.559 A seven is a very good note, but your little friend, Jaime, 613 00:50:51.159 --> 00:50:54.280 got a nine. Next time you have to study more to beat him, 614 00:50:54.800 --> 00:50:58.800 look at your cousin Claudia. She' s been super good because she' 615 00:50:58.920 --> 00:51:01.800 s eaten all the food, not like you or my son could already be 616 00:51:01.880 --> 00:51:08.159 like yours. When adults say these things, you learn that you are not 617 00:51:08.280 --> 00:51:14.480 enough and you must continually compare yourself to feel worth. This conditions the development 618 00:51:14.559 --> 00:51:17.480 of your personality, since, instead of discovering who you are, you really 619 00:51:17.840 --> 00:51:23.079 prefer to end up copying personalities that your environment approves. There are people who 620 00:51:23.159 --> 00:51:29.239 learn this very early and develop an impressive ability to mine themselves in the social 621 00:51:29.360 --> 00:51:32.360 group with which they are at that time. With all we' ve done 622 00:51:32.440 --> 00:51:39.320 for you consequences. This phrase is usually used as a manipulation. The intention 623 00:51:39.400 --> 00:51:44.480 is to generate pity and guilt. Your parents do for you what they want. 624 00:51:44.920 --> 00:51:46.679 No one forces them to give you anything they don' t want. 625 00:51:47.639 --> 00:51:51.760 That' s why it' s unfair that they' ll throw it in 626 00:51:51.760 --> 00:51:54.280 your face like this. When they do, you often understand that it is 627 00:51:54.320 --> 00:51:59.800 better to set aside your emotions, goals, longings, etc. To be 628 00:52:00.599 --> 00:52:07.360 content don' t cry, it' s not for so much or that 629 00:52:07.360 --> 00:52:09.800 exaggerated you' re consequences. These expressions determine that you think that your emotions 630 00:52:09.880 --> 00:52:15.280 are not important, that it is not right to feel how you feel In 631 00:52:15.360 --> 00:52:20.840 the long run it will seem to you that it is foolish that you cry 632 00:52:20.920 --> 00:52:22.480 that you disturb and that you are very sensitive and exaggerated. For a child, 633 00:52:22.840 --> 00:52:27.679 maintaining a link with his or her reference adults is much more important than 634 00:52:27.840 --> 00:52:30.719 his or her own well- being. Therefore, in the face of all 635 00:52:30.800 --> 00:52:36.599 these invalidating situations, they tend to give in and develop submissive behaviors. There 636 00:52:36.639 --> 00:52:39.000 are people who stay in them all their lives and continue with that premise, 637 00:52:39.119 --> 00:52:43.760 even when they are adults, so they often become victims of emotional dependence. 638 00:52:45.400 --> 00:52:52.119 Good girl' s syndrome was mentioned in the previous section as a consequence of 639 00:52:52.239 --> 00:52:57.960 situations of emotional impairment in childhood. Now is the time to deepen the concept. 640 00:52:59.840 --> 00:53:02.079 Good girl' s syndrome occurs in those people who give more importance to 641 00:53:02.199 --> 00:53:08.039 the desires and needs of others than to their own. The majority of people 642 00:53:08.119 --> 00:53:12.440 who suffer from it are women, although it can also occur in men. 643 00:53:13.920 --> 00:53:21.239 People who suffer from it turn to please others before they do. The same 644 00:53:21.360 --> 00:53:25.840 are very helpful. They are so prudent that they prefer not to speak in 645 00:53:27.000 --> 00:53:30.599 such a way as not to offend them it is hard to set limits. 646 00:53:31.000 --> 00:53:37.199 They' re afraid to disappoint others. They go over the same mistakes over 647 00:53:37.320 --> 00:53:42.480 and over again, especially if they think they may have failed someone. Their 648 00:53:42.559 --> 00:53:47.039 personal worth depends on what they think of them. Other people leave for the 649 00:53:47.159 --> 00:53:53.360 ultimate their own well- being. They often feel a lot of guilt, 650 00:53:54.079 --> 00:53:59.239 avoid conflicts with others. They take what the others say very seriously. They 651 00:53:59.360 --> 00:54:08.000 are often obedient and submissive. They live intensely the rejection. They sacrifice their 652 00:54:08.079 --> 00:54:15.239 own happiness to build it from other people. Couples, friends and family tend 653 00:54:15.280 --> 00:54:21.559 to idealize others. They consider that all people have good intentions. If they 654 00:54:21.639 --> 00:54:22.920 don' t have them, you have to help them get them. They 655 00:54:23.039 --> 00:54:29.119 take responsibility for this process. They think something like if I' m good, 656 00:54:29.840 --> 00:54:32.360 they' ll all be good to me. When someone cheats on them, 657 00:54:32.920 --> 00:54:36.440 they think they are responsible for the deception. This was my fault. 658 00:54:37.199 --> 00:54:42.079 There are aspects of childhood that influence the development of this syndrome, such as, 659 00:54:42.400 --> 00:54:45.960 for example, environments of great demand in which to make a mistake is 660 00:54:46.079 --> 00:54:51.000 not contemplated and if it occurs, a great deal of emphasis is placed on 661 00:54:51.159 --> 00:54:57.280 it from a very negative perspective, receiving phrases as with that character you will 662 00:54:57.280 --> 00:54:59.639 not be loved by anyone. Those things aren' t said by a lady. 663 00:55:00.039 --> 00:55:01.599 If you don' t behave yourself, you' re not a good 664 00:55:01.599 --> 00:55:07.840 girl. If you' ve felt identified with this description, I want to 665 00:55:07.840 --> 00:55:10.000 tell you something. You' re not a good or bad child, because 666 00:55:10.119 --> 00:55:14.599 you' re not born to please anyone. You' re a person who 667 00:55:14.639 --> 00:55:17.840 wants to love and respect each other and respect each other. That is why 668 00:55:17.920 --> 00:55:22.599 you will set your limits when necessary, because your responsibility is not to content 669 00:55:23.719 --> 00:55:27.679 others you will not carry anything or anyone that does not belong to you. 670 00:55:28.719 --> 00:55:31.320 And if someone gets angry with this, then get angry, because, yes, 671 00:55:31.679 --> 00:55:36.599 other people have the right to be angry, but you also have the 672 00:55:36.639 --> 00:55:40.320 right to say what you think. By communicating something, your only responsibility is 673 00:55:40.400 --> 00:55:45.320 to do it assertively. And yes, yet the other person gets angry, 674 00:55:45.719 --> 00:55:51.559 gets angry. You can' t give in to things you don' t 675 00:55:51.639 --> 00:55:52.880 want or swallow with situations that hurt you out of fear of others' reaction. 676 00:55:54.760 --> 00:55:59.920 That' s why he remembers two things. People who get angry when 677 00:56:00.000 --> 00:56:04.239 you set limits are those who take advantage of you when you don' t 678 00:56:05.719 --> 00:56:08.440 put them that someone feels bad that you put limits says more about that person 679 00:56:08.519 --> 00:56:15.679 than about you, which makes our relationships not a safe place. The first 680 00:56:15.719 --> 00:56:20.079 thing we do when we process a danger is to look for contact with others, 681 00:56:20.440 --> 00:56:24.920 for example, through the look and you will see that I am right 682 00:56:25.000 --> 00:56:29.440 if you are with your friends drinking coffee and suddenly you hear a very loud 683 00:56:29.440 --> 00:56:32.920 noise. The first thing you do is look at each other. In animals 684 00:56:34.000 --> 00:56:38.320 and children it also happens, although in a more dependent way There is a 685 00:56:38.400 --> 00:56:45.639 very funny online video of an elephant falling while playing bird chase. In it 686 00:56:45.719 --> 00:56:50.639 it looks like the animal gets up quickly and scared, running to take refuge 687 00:56:50.719 --> 00:56:57.760 next to his mom. Such conduct is also shared by humans in the face 688 00:56:57.880 --> 00:57:00.440 of any danger or situation whose threat they do not determine accurately. They look 689 00:57:00.519 --> 00:57:05.840 at Mom and Dad or they run next to him and hug them. This 690 00:57:05.960 --> 00:57:09.119 means whatever happens. We' re always looking for a connection with others. 691 00:57:10.719 --> 00:57:15.480 We know that there are many things that can make our relationship not a safe 692 00:57:15.599 --> 00:57:21.239 place as we saw in I love you. There are many toxic behaviors and 693 00:57:21.320 --> 00:57:25.159 attitudes that can wilt our relationship as a couple and condition our perception of the 694 00:57:25.519 --> 00:57:30.960 emotional bond, the law of ice, manipulation, intermittent reinforcement, gosting, 695 00:57:30.239 --> 00:57:37.440 etc. However, when we look at relationships more broadly, we see that 696 00:57:37.480 --> 00:57:40.480 the foundation that feeds a sense of security or insecurity in a relationship is the 697 00:57:40.559 --> 00:57:45.480 trust we have in it. And I' m not referring to the unique 698 00:57:45.559 --> 00:57:50.519 and exclusive confidence that our partner does not commit infidelity. I mean the confidence 699 00:57:50.599 --> 00:57:53.360 that we have a solid relationship and that the other person is our refuge. 700 00:57:54.639 --> 00:58:00.000 Whatever happens, we can find a connection with her at any time and we 701 00:58:00.119 --> 00:58:06.000 ' ll find her. I' m going to tell you about a fascinating 702 00:58:06.119 --> 00:58:09.960 concept, the circle of parental security. The safety circle is an intervention program 703 00:58:10.000 --> 00:58:15.639 developed by Port Howl line uper and ken Hoffman to support parents who want to 704 00:58:15.719 --> 00:58:21.719 establish a secure attachment bond with their children. But watch out because I' 705 00:58:21.840 --> 00:58:25.280 m going one step further. Since my work in consultation I have found that 706 00:58:25.360 --> 00:58:31.880 the safety circle is also applicable to relations between adults of any kind. The 707 00:58:31.960 --> 00:58:37.960 circle is divided into three parts, hands exploration and return. Let' s 708 00:58:38.079 --> 00:58:44.079 look at each of these parts in detail hands. The word hands is in 709 00:58:44.199 --> 00:58:49.800 the circle synonymous with security. The hands of the adult responsible for the child 710 00:58:49.880 --> 00:58:53.400 are there for what the child needs and accompany the exploration of the world surrounding 711 00:58:54.800 --> 00:58:59.639 the small exploration. The child feels safe exploring the environment because he knows that 712 00:58:59.840 --> 00:59:02.599 he, the adult, is in the shade available to cover any need. 713 00:59:04.639 --> 00:59:08.039 In this phase, the adult should watch the child, help him, rejoice 714 00:59:08.159 --> 00:59:14.000 and enjoy with him return. The child returns to the adult' s hands 715 00:59:14.119 --> 00:59:19.360 to meet his needs, which can be protection, comfort, joy for some 716 00:59:19.440 --> 00:59:23.800 achievement and management of emotions. The creators of this circle maintain that these three 717 00:59:23.920 --> 00:59:29.000 parts are the keys to the child' s caring relationship being considered a safe 718 00:59:29.159 --> 00:59:32.079 place for the little one. But I am going to ask two questions about 719 00:59:32.079 --> 00:59:37.320 this. What happens in adulthood if there has been no child safety circle. 720 00:59:39.000 --> 00:59:43.320 To answer, I want you to accompany me to see a couple of examples. 721 00:59:44.880 --> 00:59:47.639 Arancha was a patient who came to see me at the office because she 722 00:59:47.719 --> 00:59:52.559 wanted to improve her self- esteem before getting into it. I suggested to 723 00:59:52.679 --> 00:59:55.800 him that it was important to know his story and understand that it had happened 724 00:59:55.840 --> 01:00:00.800 years ago so that we could find out where that negative image he had of 725 01:00:00.920 --> 01:00:05.559 himself came from, and so we did. We gave a review of their 726 01:00:05.599 --> 01:00:08.320 experiences and stopped at a small detail that served to explain what I am telling 727 01:00:08.400 --> 01:00:14.519 you today. He explained to you that he remembered quite clearly a scene in 728 01:00:14.559 --> 01:00:16.960 which he showed his mother a drawing when he was barely nine years old. 729 01:00:19.079 --> 01:00:22.239 He recalled the disinterest that this showed and related it to so many other times 730 01:00:22.400 --> 01:00:28.360 that he had had the same reaction. That ranch. Like any child of 731 01:00:28.440 --> 01:00:31.760 his age, he had come out of the circle to explore his artistic capacity. 732 01:00:32.800 --> 01:00:37.360 Before the result she was proud and wanted to share it with her mother. 733 01:00:37.480 --> 01:00:40.199 I' ll be back. The answer that would have strengthened the sure 734 01:00:40.320 --> 01:00:44.239 attachment of the bond would have been to rejoice with the girl of triumph. 735 01:00:45.559 --> 01:00:49.360 It was clear to me that one of the factors that made Arancha have a 736 01:00:49.440 --> 01:00:52.920 very negative image of herself had been this. Your primary caregiver. He had 737 01:00:53.039 --> 01:00:58.559 repeatedly conveyed to him the feeling that his achievements were not worth it and ended 738 01:00:58.679 --> 01:01:01.480 up developing the imposter' s drome cinema. We' ll see what it 739 01:01:01.480 --> 01:01:06.280 is later. Of course, Arancha' s mother had not been negligent. 740 01:01:07.280 --> 01:01:10.960 I had been there most of the time in every possible situation. However, 741 01:01:12.320 --> 01:01:15.559 she had never given importance to such details and that had somehow conditioned Arancha in 742 01:01:15.639 --> 01:01:23.199 her perception of herself. This means that sometimes, even having good parents, 743 01:01:23.639 --> 01:01:30.159 we may have experienced situations that have marked us negatively. We do not necessarily 744 01:01:30.280 --> 01:01:36.960 have to have negligent parents to develop emotional wounds. Another case is that of 745 01:01:37.079 --> 01:01:40.840 Rodrigo, who was also coming to therapy for a while. He had anxiety 746 01:01:40.920 --> 01:01:45.119 and self- exigency through the clouds. For a long time. Analyzing his 747 01:01:45.199 --> 01:01:50.519 personal history, he realized the pattern his father repeated when reacting to stressful situations. 748 01:01:52.039 --> 01:01:55.440 Rodrigo told me that one day he broke his arm falling off a slide 749 01:01:55.519 --> 01:02:00.320 in a playground. His father ran to his aid, though without first regulating 750 01:02:00.440 --> 01:02:05.280 his own emotions, which caused my patient to return to too anxious hands. 751 01:02:07.480 --> 01:02:12.840 The poor man screamed and cried probably from the scare and, although I understand 752 01:02:12.920 --> 01:02:16.039 perfectly, the fear of the father might not have had the best reaction at 753 01:02:16.039 --> 01:02:21.400 that time. Little Rodrigo depended on his father, an adult to co- 754 01:02:22.159 --> 01:02:25.119 regulate, but he ended up infecting his emotional state and perceived the situation in 755 01:02:25.199 --> 01:02:30.039 a much more insecure and scandalous way than it could have been. If the 756 01:02:30.119 --> 01:02:37.840 primary caregiver had followed the parental safety circle methodology. This wouldn' t have 757 01:02:37.840 --> 01:02:43.920 happened. Rodrigo' s father let my patient explore and, for things of 758 01:02:44.000 --> 01:02:49.960 fate, the little one suffered an unexpected accident. That first part is phenomenal. 759 01:02:51.079 --> 01:02:53.480 Yes, contrary, the father would have touched him in his exploration, 760 01:02:54.079 --> 01:02:58.800 showing anxiety and fear in order to prevent something bad from happening to him. 761 01:02:59.320 --> 01:03:02.599 Nor would it have been good for Rodrigo, since he would not have felt 762 01:03:02.639 --> 01:03:07.880 the security and tranquility that a child needs from his reference figure to explore without 763 01:03:07.880 --> 01:03:13.000 fear. Sometimes unexpected things happen, but that can happen doesn' t mean 764 01:03:13.119 --> 01:03:16.320 they' re going to happen. What this example shows is that adults have 765 01:03:16.440 --> 01:03:22.280 to self- regulate to be able to co- regulate children. For that 766 01:03:22.719 --> 01:03:27.800 we must learn first to manage our emotions. It is understood that parents do 767 01:03:27.920 --> 01:03:34.880 not always do things perfectly. There' s no perfect parenting to be good 768 01:03:34.880 --> 01:03:38.519 enough. That' s good enough. It is likely that all the adults 769 01:03:38.639 --> 01:03:44.079 we grew up with went through times when they were not available to see what 770 01:03:44.199 --> 01:03:49.079 we needed or to provide for it when we were younger, and this is 771 01:03:49.159 --> 01:03:52.960 applicable to the present. Even if today we are the adult referents of some 772 01:03:52.039 --> 01:03:58.840 child. Accepting that this is so will prevent us from generating an irrational demand 773 01:03:58.920 --> 01:04:03.159 for ourselves if others. The important thing is to be there most of the 774 01:04:03.159 --> 01:04:09.239 time, even if we want to be perfect and not cause emotional injuries to 775 01:04:09.760 --> 01:04:14.320 the little ones, that is frankly impossible. In the example of my patient, 776 01:04:14.440 --> 01:04:18.239 Rodrigo, there was no type of self- regulation in the primary caregiver 777 01:04:18.360 --> 01:04:23.880 attended to the child, letting himself be carried away by his own emotions which 778 01:04:23.920 --> 01:04:28.199 made him feel insecure. Rodrigo ended up taking fear of the slide for a 779 01:04:28.280 --> 01:04:31.159 while he did not feel safe to explore in the same place, although he 780 01:04:31.159 --> 01:04:35.440 later missed it, but judging by the way his father had to react to 781 01:04:35.519 --> 01:04:41.199 the danger, the way my patient had to perceive the world his catastrophic vision 782 01:04:41.320 --> 01:04:45.320 of things could come from having understood the environment through his father' s eyes. 783 01:04:46.360 --> 01:04:51.159 How could he have done well, if the primary caregiver had set the 784 01:04:51.239 --> 01:04:56.360 parental safety circle in motion, he would have approached it in a quiet way. 785 01:04:56.519 --> 01:04:59.599 The child would have been asked what had happened to him that he did, 786 01:04:59.800 --> 01:05:01.360 how he did not and whether any part of the body hurt him. 787 01:05:02.440 --> 01:05:06.800 The little one in the face of the adult' s calm, despite the 788 01:05:06.880 --> 01:05:12.920 physical pain, would have perceived the situation in a more secure way, emotionally 789 01:05:12.920 --> 01:05:15.800 without giving it greater significance. The child would have understood that unexpected things could 790 01:05:15.800 --> 01:05:19.559 happen, but that the world is not a dangerous place because its reference adult 791 01:05:19.679 --> 01:05:25.079 did not see it, so they could therefore continue to explore with total tranquility. 792 01:05:27.320 --> 01:05:30.079 Emotional regulation or management. It' s the way we have psychologists calling 793 01:05:30.079 --> 01:05:34.480 a series of learned skills that help us in times of distress. Since they 794 01:05:34.559 --> 01:05:41.039 are learned, they need to be trained. We' re all born with 795 01:05:41.039 --> 01:05:44.280 a nervous system. Yeah, but we don' t come into the world 796 01:05:44.400 --> 01:05:46.320 with the innate ability to handle it. We need to meet him and train 797 01:05:46.320 --> 01:05:50.199 him. So I' d like you not to feel guilty and not to 798 01:05:50.320 --> 01:05:54.559 blame anyone if you' ve ever had the feeling that you haven' t 799 01:05:54.639 --> 01:05:59.599 been understood or cared for properly. Remember to do things as you know, 800 01:05:59.719 --> 01:06:02.400 if you can, that' s a lot. There is always room for 801 01:06:02.800 --> 01:06:08.639 improvement and this is fine because it allows us to grow and evolve. This 802 01:06:08.760 --> 01:06:12.719 theory is interesting because it seems to me that, in addition to providing a 803 01:06:12.800 --> 01:06:15.679 balance in upbringing, it is also applicable to relations with oneself and with the 804 01:06:15.679 --> 01:06:18.800 environment, as we have already seen in the cases of Arancha and Rodrigo, 805 01:06:19.039 --> 01:06:24.719 as well as between adults. As I said before and here goes the second 806 01:06:24.880 --> 01:06:31.679 question, the circle of security in adult relations is also important. The answer 807 01:06:31.800 --> 01:06:36.079 is yes. We must have the feeling that our partner will always be there 808 01:06:36.159 --> 01:06:42.960 waiting for us with open arms. Whatever happens be careful. I' m 809 01:06:43.039 --> 01:06:45.320 not saying he' s by our side in person 24 hours a day. 810 01:06:45.679 --> 01:06:49.039 I mean, we have to feel that it is, that it is very 811 01:06:50.079 --> 01:06:55.239 different and not just that. We must feel that in the face of any 812 01:06:55.360 --> 01:06:59.360 problems that may arise, the climate will not be one of punishment or travail, 813 01:06:59.760 --> 01:07:02.800 but of interest and understanding. Imagine that a child does something wrong and 814 01:07:02.880 --> 01:07:06.760 the parents approach him with screams and a certain aggressive attitude to explain how much 815 01:07:06.840 --> 01:07:12.079 punished he is there, how bad he has done it. This whole thing 816 01:07:12.159 --> 01:07:15.199 will process what happened from fear. I' ve done something horrible. Next 817 01:07:15.320 --> 01:07:18.119 time I' d better not do anything. My parents love me, but 818 01:07:18.239 --> 01:07:21.199 I do something they don' t like. Maybe they' ll stop. 819 01:07:23.199 --> 01:07:27.000 However, yes, on the contrary and in the same situation, parents approach 820 01:07:27.119 --> 01:07:30.760 and explain calmly what has happened? Why is it wrong what you' ve 821 01:07:30.760 --> 01:07:34.639 done? And they also try to get the child to reflect with them and 822 01:07:34.760 --> 01:07:39.320 assimilate the message they want to convey to him. Your reaction will be very 823 01:07:39.320 --> 01:07:43.119 different. You will understand that you have done wrong, but you will not 824 01:07:43.159 --> 01:07:46.119 prosecute the situation from fear. Well, with adult relationships it happens exactly the 825 01:07:46.199 --> 01:07:53.400 same. For example, if I have a problem with my partner, the 826 01:07:53.519 --> 01:07:59.239 way I communicate it will determine how she perceives the problem, as well as 827 01:07:59.559 --> 01:08:03.920 look at the relationship in I want to talk to you about the importance of 828 01:08:04.039 --> 01:08:09.639 safe attachment in adults when establishing relationships of healthy couples. If, instead of 829 01:08:09.719 --> 01:08:13.559 talking about a reference figure and a child, we were talking about John and 830 01:08:13.559 --> 01:08:17.760 Joan, everything would happen as follows. Juana has a problem with Juan. 831 01:08:18.720 --> 01:08:23.960 Turns out he forgot to put in a washing machine and she doesn' t 832 01:08:24.039 --> 01:08:27.920 have a shirt available that she needed just for that day. We could have 833 01:08:28.000 --> 01:08:34.239 up to three options to respond to this situation by Juana. Answer one gets 834 01:08:34.319 --> 01:08:39.520 angry with John screaming to tell him how irritated, what he is, who 835 01:08:39.600 --> 01:08:43.840 always does the same thing and who is tired of his disappointments. As a 836 01:08:44.159 --> 01:08:47.359 result, one, in the face of Juana' s attitude, John will 837 01:08:47.439 --> 01:08:51.600 become defensive and confront her, so that he will have the feeling that the 838 01:08:51.800 --> 01:08:56.680 problem is much greater than it seems in the long run. If this is 839 01:08:56.800 --> 01:09:00.479 repeated, John will get tired of Juana' s outbursts of anger and will 840 01:09:00.560 --> 01:09:03.239 understand that it is better not to talk to her, than to discuss it 841 01:09:03.359 --> 01:09:08.359 is a bad thing and that perhaps the couple relationship is not as safe as 842 01:09:08.359 --> 01:09:11.439 he thought, because sometimes Joan, the person who is supposed to love him 843 01:09:11.560 --> 01:09:15.720 and wants to spend his life with him, seems his enemy. Answer two 844 01:09:16.880 --> 01:09:23.439 to be angry with John without saying anything, to wait for him to miraculously 845 01:09:23.560 --> 01:09:26.920 guess what happens to him so that he can explain, point by point, 846 01:09:27.159 --> 01:09:30.479 how outraged he feels, not only because of the forgetfulness of the washing machine, 847 01:09:30.000 --> 01:09:35.319 but because he has not noticed his anger. Consequence two before Juana' 848 01:09:35.359 --> 01:09:40.319 s attitude, The consequence will be the same as the first, adding that 849 01:09:40.359 --> 01:09:45.840 John will not understand anything because of the contradictory messages he has received. Answer 850 01:09:45.000 --> 01:09:50.319 three, get angry with John, let some time pass to try to calm 851 01:09:50.399 --> 01:09:56.119 down before reacting, once he is calm enough to tell him that he needs 852 01:09:56.199 --> 01:10:03.079 to talk to him, do it by conveying his displeasure with words or see 853 01:10:03.159 --> 01:10:08.119 consequence three before Juana' s attitude, John will remain calm, which will 854 01:10:08.159 --> 01:10:10.359 help him to put himself in the place of his partner and understand the displeasure. 855 01:10:10.520 --> 01:10:14.479 He may be feeling. Juán will have the feeling that the problem is 856 01:10:14.640 --> 01:10:18.159 not transcendental, but it is important to Joan in the long run. This 857 01:10:18.239 --> 01:10:23.680 way of resolving conflicts will determine a healthy and safe bond in the couple' 858 01:10:23.720 --> 01:10:29.399 s relationship. The message that both will receive unconsciously from the situation will be 859 01:10:29.520 --> 01:10:33.279 no matter what problem we have. We can always communicate it, listen to 860 01:10:33.359 --> 01:10:36.399 each other, understand each other and solve it as a team. Discussing is 861 01:10:36.479 --> 01:10:41.399 a good thing, because it allows us to evolve as a couple. We 862 01:10:41.479 --> 01:10:46.079 want the answer three. It is the only one that corresponds to an attitude 863 01:10:46.199 --> 01:10:50.000 proper to a safe attachment in adults and, therefore, to a healthy and 864 01:10:50.079 --> 01:10:57.600 safe relationship. Emotional independence does not exist. It has become fashionable to talk 865 01:10:57.680 --> 01:11:00.079 about emotional independence to refer to all two, which is not emotional dependence. 866 01:11:00.880 --> 01:11:04.680 But the truth is that the opposite of emotional dependence is a healthy relationship and 867 01:11:05.039 --> 01:11:11.600 in a healthy relationship, the bond that is established is interdependent. This we 868 01:11:11.680 --> 01:11:15.920 can find in all kinds of healthy relationships, whether of friendship, couple or 869 01:11:15.000 --> 01:11:18.720 family, and consists in sharing things with the other person, as well as 870 01:11:19.079 --> 01:11:24.239 mutual space, but also respecting the time and individual space of each of the 871 01:11:24.399 --> 01:11:30.119 parties. We cannot be emotionally independent, because humans are social beings and we 872 01:11:30.199 --> 01:11:34.520 need contact with others. In fact, as I was saying above, we 873 01:11:34.600 --> 01:11:40.199 ' re looking for him. We can work on ourselves and learn to manage 874 01:11:40.319 --> 01:11:45.279 our emotions, our thoughts and behaviors, but from there to yearn for independence 875 01:11:45.479 --> 01:11:48.079 or total emotional isolation from the rest of people, there is a way. 876 01:11:49.039 --> 01:11:55.159 Anything others do can affect us as emotionally independent as we want to be. 877 01:11:56.520 --> 01:11:59.239 In fact, of this idea, of the interdependence of and of what is 878 01:11:59.279 --> 01:12:02.520 supposed to be given to have healthy relationships. The concept of affective responsibility is 879 01:12:02.760 --> 01:12:06.439 born that, although you already have it developed in detail in the book I 880 01:12:06.560 --> 01:12:11.039 love you. I want to remind you that it refers to everything we say, 881 01:12:11.239 --> 01:12:14.039 whether we do or what we don' t say if we don' 882 01:12:14.119 --> 01:12:17.000 t do it, it certainly has an impact on others. For this very 883 01:12:17.000 --> 01:12:21.399 reason, it is important that we have people around to make our lives a 884 01:12:21.479 --> 01:12:27.159 little easier, accompanying us, listening to us and advising us in difficult times. 885 01:12:28.359 --> 01:12:32.800 Sometimes a hug or the absence of this makes the difference. I think 886 01:12:32.840 --> 01:12:38.479 the welfare formula includes social relationships and I think that wanting to feel good without 887 01:12:38.600 --> 01:12:44.239 this variable is a utopia. Nor is it about waiting for someone to come 888 01:12:44.279 --> 01:12:46.720 and save me from my discomfort and bring me the happiness that I have not 889 01:12:46.880 --> 01:12:50.880 been able to build for myself, or being unable to break a relationship even 890 01:12:50.960 --> 01:12:57.319 knowing that maintaining it makes me ill because that would be emotional dependence. I 891 01:12:57.439 --> 01:13:00.159 ' m just saying that we' re made to bond with each other and 892 01:13:00.279 --> 01:13:04.159 that we can' t ignore our own nature by a fashion with an individualistic 893 01:13:04.159 --> 01:13:10.600 tendency. Children need to connect with adults to determine how they should feel. 894 01:13:10.920 --> 01:13:15.880 This is the main reason why adults are said to be emotionally dependent. On 895 01:13:16.000 --> 01:13:20.760 the contrary, we don' t need to know how other adults react to 896 01:13:20.880 --> 01:13:25.960 feel in one way or another, because we have the ability to connect first 897 01:13:26.079 --> 01:13:30.159 with ourselves and then with others. But this does not mean that we can 898 01:13:30.199 --> 01:13:33.960 live isolated from the rest. Adults also need to be surrounded by people who 899 01:13:34.039 --> 01:13:38.239 accompany us or who help us feel that we are in a safe place, 900 01:13:38.920 --> 01:13:43.920 especially when things are going wrong. This gives us confidence and allows us to 901 01:13:45.399 --> 01:13:50.680 evolve imposter syndrome. I was telling you before that Arancha ended up developing imposter 902 01:13:50.680 --> 01:13:56.159 syndrome. It is a psychological phenomenon which consists in the person feeling that his 903 01:13:56.239 --> 01:13:59.680 or her achievements are not worthwhile, that he or she is not capable enough 904 01:13:59.760 --> 01:14:03.680 to carry out his or her tasks. Impostor syndrome is characterized by why the 905 01:14:03.800 --> 01:14:09.439 affected person considers that he or she does not have the skills or experience to 906 01:14:09.560 --> 01:14:13.920 do something. He feels he' s a fraud. Profile of people suffering 907 01:14:14.039 --> 01:14:21.439 from impostor syndrome are very demanding and perfectionist people. They try hard to get 908 01:14:21.520 --> 01:14:27.640 things done. They have the irrational fear that others will discover that their success 909 01:14:27.840 --> 01:14:32.239 is not real. They attribute success to factors such as luck, an easy 910 01:14:32.399 --> 01:14:39.800 situation, etcetera. They think they are unable to meet new challenges. They 911 01:14:39.960 --> 01:14:45.279 don' t trust themselves. They' re afraid to be judged, afraid 912 01:14:45.359 --> 01:14:50.119 to let others down. They believe that the rest of the people know much 913 01:14:50.159 --> 01:14:56.159 more than they do, especially at work or at school. If you feel 914 01:14:56.239 --> 01:15:00.720 identified with most of the points you just read, point out these tips to 915 01:15:00.800 --> 01:15:08.600 manage impostor syndrome. Identify your impostor when he comes out, do not believe 916 01:15:08.640 --> 01:15:12.439 the things he tells you when he appears, because they are always based on 917 01:15:12.479 --> 01:15:17.439 insecurity and fear are not rational. Make a list of your achievements to remind 918 01:15:17.520 --> 01:15:21.520 you of the things you' ve accomplished with your effort and thus weaken your 919 01:15:21.520 --> 01:15:28.880 impostor. Faced with the praise you receive, you simply thank them. Think 920 01:15:29.000 --> 01:15:32.079 of the positive part of your track mistakes. You can always learn from them 921 01:15:33.600 --> 01:15:40.079 the emotional backpack. I like to say that everything we experience throughout our life 922 01:15:40.199 --> 01:15:45.359 passes into our emotional backpack. This metaphor means that emotional footprints have the shape 923 01:15:45.840 --> 01:15:53.439 they have will go with us everywhere and condition our experiences. What we learn 924 01:15:53.479 --> 01:15:58.920 during childhood will be reflected in adolescence. What we learn in childhood and adolescence 925 01:15:58.960 --> 01:16:04.960 will be reflected in adulthood. If you were invisible to your adults, you 926 01:16:05.039 --> 01:16:10.479 learned not to count on anyone. If they abused you, you learned to 927 01:16:10.560 --> 01:16:15.840 distrust people. If you were manipulated, you learned to manipulate and you normalized 928 01:16:15.840 --> 01:16:20.640 it. If you were emotionally invalidated, you learned to invalidate yourself and the 929 01:16:20.720 --> 01:16:27.119 others. If you' ve always been demanded more, you' ve learned 930 01:16:27.119 --> 01:16:30.159 that you' re not enough. If they overprotected you, you learned that 931 01:16:30.319 --> 01:16:34.720 the world is a dangerous place. If they trusted you, you learned to 932 01:16:34.800 --> 01:16:41.880 trust yourself and others. If they let you explore safely, you learned that 933 01:16:42.039 --> 01:16:46.119 only you can. If they loved you in a healthy and safe way, 934 01:16:46.319 --> 01:16:51.199 you learned to love in a healthy way. We internalize the messages issued by 935 01:16:51.239 --> 01:16:56.760 our primary caregivers and grow with that perception of ourselves and the world around us. 936 01:16:57.159 --> 01:17:00.800 Before I started writing this book, I felt, as you know, 937 01:17:01.199 --> 01:17:06.079 the need to get back to working on myself. Brackdown, as I call 938 01:17:06.159 --> 01:17:11.159 it, invited me to stop, understand the situation and accept it so I 939 01:17:11.239 --> 01:17:14.399 could release the anxiety. So I went to my parents' house one day 940 01:17:14.479 --> 01:17:17.039 and I started to see pictures of when it was small activity highly recommended. 941 01:17:17.159 --> 01:17:23.000 If you want to work and understand your story, I spent the whole afternoon 942 01:17:23.119 --> 01:17:28.359 between albums and memories. This allowed me to recover images, thoughts and emotions 943 01:17:28.479 --> 01:17:31.439 from the past. I think I' ve had a very happy childhood. 944 01:17:32.600 --> 01:17:36.680 My parents have always been aware of my needs. They have supported me in 945 01:17:36.720 --> 01:17:43.159 difficult situations and celebrated my achievements. They' ve never gotten me into their 946 01:17:43.239 --> 01:17:46.960 adult problems. In short, they have been a good emotional refuge and safe 947 01:17:47.039 --> 01:17:51.920 hands from which to leave and to return. Still, at that time I 948 01:17:53.000 --> 01:17:57.640 felt that I had to go into a terrain that had been waiting for my 949 01:17:57.760 --> 01:18:00.199 father’ s story for a long time. My father, as I told 950 01:18:00.239 --> 01:18:05.000 you in the introduction, worked many hours away from home. This was no 951 01:18:05.119 --> 01:18:10.560 problem, because he then tried to make up for lost time with his family. 952 01:18:11.920 --> 01:18:15.279 I remember weekends in the field, watching the stars, I bought a 953 01:18:15.399 --> 01:18:19.520 telescope to show me the moon closely and told me about the vastness of space 954 01:18:19.600 --> 01:18:26.760 and the secrets that night kept. I remember the mornings playing hide and seek 955 01:18:26.920 --> 01:18:29.520 at home or the nights watching movies in the living room. All together. 956 01:18:30.119 --> 01:18:33.800 My father is a shoe designer, so I also remember when he took me 957 01:18:33.880 --> 01:18:38.840 to his studio, he explained to me that they consisted of his tasks and 958 01:18:39.000 --> 01:18:44.920 then he played music while the two of us drew once watching the Yat movie 959 01:18:45.359 --> 01:18:48.800 I was afraid of him, so the pary along with my mother explained to 960 01:18:48.840 --> 01:18:53.720 me that Gatzi was probably a doll and behind him someone would have taken a 961 01:18:53.840 --> 01:18:58.520 soda tail while enjoying his creation. That made me feel calm and confident that 962 01:18:58.640 --> 01:19:00.960 I should or should not be afraid, because there was nothing to be afraid 963 01:19:01.079 --> 01:19:05.760 of. One of the things that I learned from my father and that has 964 01:19:05.880 --> 01:19:11.359 most positively conditioned me was to understand and explain personal problems with the help of 965 01:19:11.359 --> 01:19:15.680 schemes. When I had a problem, whatever it was, I knocked on 966 01:19:15.800 --> 01:19:19.119 the door of his office and said I can pass, I have a problem. 967 01:19:20.079 --> 01:19:25.000 He listened attentively to me while I told him all my dramas of the 968 01:19:25.000 --> 01:19:29.920 moment. At the end, he took paper and pen and began to transform 969 01:19:30.000 --> 01:19:33.760 the information I had given him into various lines, circles and drawings, once 970 01:19:33.800 --> 01:19:41.159 the problem was represented graphically, I wondered what you think we can do with 971 01:19:41.239 --> 01:19:45.000 all this. Now that I' m older, I think that question was 972 01:19:45.079 --> 01:19:48.920 asking her to come out of my paralysis and think for myself, because today 973 01:19:49.239 --> 01:19:55.039 something tells me that he already knew the answer. So, he worked with 974 01:19:55.119 --> 01:19:58.319 me as long as it took, made me laugh. I think because of 975 01:19:58.439 --> 01:20:00.880 that, I am now able to laugh at all my dramas, something that 976 01:20:00.960 --> 01:20:04.920 allows me to face them more safely. When I felt much calmer, I 977 01:20:05.359 --> 01:20:10.880 ended the session, then I was happy to leave his office and ready to 978 01:20:10.960 --> 01:20:15.079 eat the world. Every day. I remember this especially, because every day 979 01:20:15.159 --> 01:20:19.199 I explain things to my patients with graphic diagrams, just like my father did 980 01:20:19.279 --> 01:20:27.520 with me. Even sometimes I think my mind just works this way. As 981 01:20:27.600 --> 01:20:30.840 you can see, my father was present as much as he could afford. 982 01:20:30.159 --> 01:20:34.840 Besides, he did very well. The time he wasn' t with me, 983 01:20:35.119 --> 01:20:41.439 I physically recovered him emotionally. My mother was always very present, both 984 01:20:41.520 --> 01:20:46.159 physically and emotionally. I would wake up in the morning, prepare breakfast, 985 01:20:46.479 --> 01:20:50.560 lunch and snack. He would take me to school and pick me up, 986 01:20:50.720 --> 01:20:55.560 take care of me when I was sick, help me do my homework and 987 01:20:55.640 --> 01:20:59.520 ask me every day about the studies and the school' s novelties, later 988 01:20:59.520 --> 01:21:02.399 on for the high school. He also advised me, accompanied me when I 989 01:21:02.479 --> 01:21:06.920 went shopping, played, danced, cooked and painted with me. He took 990 01:21:08.000 --> 01:21:12.319 me to the park and explained things about everyday life to me, and from 991 01:21:12.399 --> 01:21:16.239 time to time he bought me candy, he' s always been the first 992 01:21:16.319 --> 01:21:20.600 person I' ve come to when I' ve had problems, because she 993 01:21:20.720 --> 01:21:23.279 ' s always understood me, kept secrets from me and laughed and cried with 994 01:21:23.279 --> 01:21:28.159 me. Both my father and my mother have sat with me when I have 995 01:21:28.239 --> 01:21:31.119 needed them, they have supported me, they have given me wings and they 996 01:21:31.199 --> 01:21:33.560 have told me with or without words you can come back whenever you want. 997 01:21:34.079 --> 01:21:39.560 This will always be your home. Each in his own way has known how 998 01:21:39.640 --> 01:21:43.800 to be present in my life most of the time and thanks to that I 999 01:21:43.960 --> 01:21:46.760 grew up with a sure attachment. I think I' ve had very good 1000 01:21:46.760 --> 01:21:51.199 parents. Some brawl fell from time to time. I' m not gonna 1001 01:21:51.199 --> 01:21:54.800 lie to you, but when we' re little, we need boundaries. 1002 01:21:54.920 --> 01:21:59.399 Setting limits does not rule out a secure attachment. However, and r a 1003 01:21:59.479 --> 01:22:02.279 rus here was the crux of the matter. My father had always been very 1004 01:22:02.359 --> 01:22:06.840 demanding about himself and somehow, that was what I would end up learning about 1005 01:22:06.960 --> 01:22:13.680 life as well. After going around a lot one day, I decided to 1006 01:22:13.720 --> 01:22:17.960 face the dreaded truth of working. Your own story has this that you want 1007 01:22:17.960 --> 01:22:23.680 to know, understand and find out, but at the same time, you 1008 01:22:23.720 --> 01:22:25.840 don' t want the fear of removing painful emotions. It takes hold of 1009 01:22:26.000 --> 01:22:29.520 you and you delay it more and more for fear that it will make you 1010 01:22:29.520 --> 01:22:32.640 suffer what you can discover. But you have to be brave, because then 1011 01:22:32.720 --> 01:22:39.159 you appreciate it. We were in the country, we had finished eating and 1012 01:22:39.239 --> 01:22:44.640 we were making it a table without thinking much about it I told my father 1013 01:22:44.680 --> 01:22:47.039 that I wanted to talk to him alone. I think I would never have 1014 01:22:47.079 --> 01:22:51.079 dared to utter those words if I hadn' t had to write this book, 1015 01:22:51.600 --> 01:22:56.760 but I wanted to tell you how my emotional work had been and for 1016 01:22:56.840 --> 01:22:59.399 that I needed to open that box of pandora. I was afraid for everything 1017 01:22:59.439 --> 01:23:02.359 I could discover and, at the same time, ashamed to express the conclusions 1018 01:23:02.439 --> 01:23:08.159 that I suspected, but I have always thought that there is nothing better than 1019 01:23:08.279 --> 01:23:12.159 working with oneself before working with others, because that gives you an excellent opportunity 1020 01:23:12.239 --> 01:23:16.000 to understand who you have in front of you. My father got up and 1021 01:23:16.439 --> 01:23:20.119 without hesitation came to walk with me in the country while we were chatting. 1022 01:23:21.600 --> 01:23:27.760 I need to know what your childhood was like, without understanding why I was 1023 01:23:27.920 --> 01:23:31.039 asking you that question, you started telling me things that I already knew I 1024 01:23:31.199 --> 01:23:35.760 was the oldest of five brothers who couldn' t study because his parents couldn 1025 01:23:35.840 --> 01:23:40.319 ' t afford the studies and that he had to start working from a very 1026 01:23:40.399 --> 01:23:43.680 young age in footwear one of the Ilisitan sectors that at the time more work 1027 01:23:43.680 --> 01:23:47.800 outs. I had a good starting point, so I kept asking him about 1028 01:23:47.920 --> 01:23:55.039 the feeling of latent responsibility in his words. I felt it was my duty 1029 01:23:55.079 --> 01:23:58.960 to take care of my brothers and my family. My parents made very little 1030 01:23:59.039 --> 01:24:02.279 money and needed help to get us all out of it. So I did 1031 01:24:02.439 --> 01:24:08.800 what I thought was right. He said as I gazed on the horizon to 1032 01:24:08.880 --> 01:24:13.199 know that it broke my heart. Now I was beginning to understand a lot 1033 01:24:13.199 --> 01:24:16.880 of things. We walked long and hard as my father reviewed his life and 1034 01:24:17.000 --> 01:24:23.119 told me anecdotes. Being the elder had made him feel that he must act 1035 01:24:23.239 --> 01:24:27.840 in a certain way to fight for others, to show himself strong and to 1036 01:24:27.960 --> 01:24:33.000 have a great sense of duty, and that, dear reader, meant being 1037 01:24:33.159 --> 01:24:38.600 highly responsible and demanding with oneself. I, as a child, had observed 1038 01:24:38.680 --> 01:24:43.600 my father' s impeccable behavior. He never failed, he never made a 1039 01:24:43.600 --> 01:24:47.319 mistake. He always kept everything under control and anticipated things well in advance. 1040 01:24:48.359 --> 01:24:53.239 It is often said that a good tree gets a good shade sheltered and nothing 1041 01:24:53.359 --> 01:24:57.640 more true. My shelter was the shadow of a super tree that had striven 1042 01:24:57.760 --> 01:25:01.039 all his life to protect his loved ones and not disappoint anyone so much that 1043 01:25:02.000 --> 01:25:08.520 with me it turned out something about protector. You don' t need to 1044 01:25:08.600 --> 01:25:12.239 be a superfather to be a good father, but maybe there' s someone 1045 01:25:12.319 --> 01:25:15.720 who knows exactly how to be a good father or mother, someone who never 1046 01:25:15.800 --> 01:25:18.239 doubts himself and makes everything always perfect, without getting over or falling short. 1047 01:25:19.239 --> 01:25:23.600 I don' t know if I' d be a good mother, but 1048 01:25:23.680 --> 01:25:27.199 I do know that, like thousands of fathers and mothers in this world, 1049 01:25:27.760 --> 01:25:29.640 I' d do my best to be and I trust that' s enough. 1050 01:25:30.079 --> 01:25:34.079 The hypervigilance my father showed with me made me understand that perhaps the world 1051 01:25:34.199 --> 01:25:40.079 was a dangerous place. They didn' t let me do a lot of 1052 01:25:40.159 --> 01:25:43.239 things alone, and I think the word" careful" is the one I 1053 01:25:43.359 --> 01:25:45.600 ' ve been told the most throughout my life and I really understand that I 1054 01:25:45.600 --> 01:25:49.960 understand it. I came into the world as a long- awaited child and 1055 01:25:50.039 --> 01:25:55.399 my parents couldn' t afford to lose me. I was allowed autonomy, 1056 01:25:57.439 --> 01:26:00.640 of course. But according to my mother, I fought well for her, 1057 01:26:00.720 --> 01:26:04.640 saying from a small point of view the words. I just often brought character 1058 01:26:04.720 --> 01:26:11.119 into the world pointing ways from a small point of view. I went over 1059 01:26:11.239 --> 01:26:15.039 all the nice things I remembered from my childhood with him and I said dad, 1060 01:26:15.600 --> 01:26:19.359 I don' t mean to throw anything in your face. On the 1061 01:26:19.359 --> 01:26:24.319 contrary, I admire very much everything you have done for me, but I 1062 01:26:24.439 --> 01:26:30.159 know that a person whose experiences have taught him to be demanding and responsible will 1063 01:26:30.319 --> 01:26:32.600 end up unintentionally reflecting this in the education of his children. And now I 1064 01:26:32.640 --> 01:26:36.159 think maybe this has had some weight in my feeling of never being enough. 1065 01:26:39.199 --> 01:26:45.000 He breathed deeply, nodded and with weeping eyes. He told me I just 1066 01:26:45.119 --> 01:26:48.239 wanted to do things right without being able to avoid it. I started to 1067 01:26:48.279 --> 01:26:51.960 cry, just like I' m doing now while I wrote these words and 1068 01:26:53.079 --> 01:26:58.079 answered him and I just wanted you to feel proud of me and see that 1069 01:26:58.199 --> 01:27:02.119 I can. I think exchanging those words was like burying the axe of war 1070 01:27:02.239 --> 01:27:06.439 after so many years, because I fought with him many times for my independence. 1071 01:27:08.920 --> 01:27:14.399 During my adolescence I felt isolated and drowned on several occasions I felt that 1072 01:27:14.479 --> 01:27:17.840 he wanted to protect me so much that he invalidated me hundreds of times and 1073 01:27:17.960 --> 01:27:21.039 unconsciously moved me the fear that he had that something would happen to me, 1074 01:27:21.520 --> 01:27:26.279 which caused many times I was afraid that something would happen to me or to 1075 01:27:26.399 --> 01:27:30.800 my loved ones. He often fell into catastropheism trying to avoid me problems and 1076 01:27:30.880 --> 01:27:34.760 warning me of the possible consequences of my actions, which made me cuddle things 1077 01:27:34.840 --> 01:27:40.920 over and over again until exhaustion. I didn' t want to see myself 1078 01:27:41.000 --> 01:27:45.520 suffer, I didn' t want me to be wrong, but being wrong 1079 01:27:45.520 --> 01:27:46.439 and suffering was also part of my personal development. How I would learn to 1080 01:27:46.520 --> 01:27:51.199 face adversity alone. If not, so I won' t deny that as 1081 01:27:51.319 --> 01:27:56.079 an adult many times I analyzed my own frustration by blaming him for everything. 1082 01:27:57.159 --> 01:28:01.279 I did it alone mentally, because it seemed unfair to come and let him 1083 01:28:01.399 --> 01:28:05.279 go He' s to blame for everything that happens to me now. Actually, 1084 01:28:05.720 --> 01:28:10.880 I felt that wasn' t quite it. So, I sensed that 1085 01:28:11.079 --> 01:28:14.760 there was a piece of him. I thought I was missing, so I 1086 01:28:14.840 --> 01:28:17.880 couldn' t draw conclusions in such a hasty way and more, knowing that 1087 01:28:18.000 --> 01:28:21.439 with the past nothing can be done and the only thing that would generate in 1088 01:28:21.520 --> 01:28:28.439 it would be a great feeling of guilt. I had the impression that more 1089 01:28:28.479 --> 01:28:30.960 than his job, it was my job and I wasn' t wrong. 1090 01:28:32.399 --> 01:28:38.720 We both hugged very hard for a long time. When we separated, he 1091 01:28:38.800 --> 01:28:44.159 answered me trying to smile already. I' m so proud of you for 1092 01:28:44.159 --> 01:28:47.279 me. You can stop now. Hey, I laughed and told her how 1093 01:28:47.319 --> 01:28:51.159 bad she was having a hard time those last few months. I talked about 1094 01:28:51.159 --> 01:28:56.600 anxiety and tiredness and confessed that I couldn' t do it anymore. To 1095 01:28:56.680 --> 01:29:00.640 my surprise, we had in common many more things than I thought he had 1096 01:29:00.720 --> 01:29:05.079 also suffered anxiety years ago. Therefore, as a person who has been able 1097 01:29:05.239 --> 01:29:11.279 to give a positive sense to his experience and as a father, you are 1098 01:29:11.319 --> 01:29:15.640 the first thing that you do not forget when I am thirty- two years 1099 01:29:15.640 --> 01:29:17.520 old. There isn' t yet. My father continues to catastrophe from time 1100 01:29:17.600 --> 01:29:20.960 to time, but now I understand that he does so with his best intention 1101 01:29:21.039 --> 01:29:26.319 and with a clear aim to protect me. So whenever I hear you predict 1102 01:29:26.399 --> 01:29:31.680 an extremely negative result about something, I tell you it' s true Dad 1103 01:29:31.720 --> 01:29:35.680 I' ll take into account everything you' re telling me and with that 1104 01:29:35.680 --> 01:29:40.359 I get him to stay calm. I could give you a more terclas about 1105 01:29:40.359 --> 01:29:45.800 fear, worry, catastrophism and anxiety. Tools and co- educational ones I 1106 01:29:45.199 --> 01:29:47.880 ' m not lacking, but I can' t do it. He' 1107 01:29:48.000 --> 01:29:51.880 s my father. I am not the one to teach him lessons from anything 1108 01:29:53.000 --> 01:29:56.279 in a family or system whose roles are well- marked. Parents act as 1109 01:29:56.319 --> 01:30:00.880 parents and children act as children. Taking on the role of father to teach 1110 01:30:00.960 --> 01:30:04.600 him about things in life would create an imbalance in the system uncomfortable enough for 1111 01:30:04.680 --> 01:30:08.800 him to pass through the arc of triumph what I tell him and keep doing 1112 01:30:08.920 --> 01:30:14.159 it himself forever. Parents have to be parents and children have to be children. 1113 01:30:15.880 --> 01:30:18.439 The day my father needs to talk about fear, I' ll talk 1114 01:30:18.439 --> 01:30:23.960 to him. In the meantime, I' ll stay out of it and 1115 01:30:24.079 --> 01:30:29.600 at most, I' ll suggest something subtly Dad I' ve read this 1116 01:30:29.600 --> 01:30:35.039 book, very good book about anxiety, fear, etc You want me to 1117 01:30:35.119 --> 01:30:36.399 leave it to you and keep an eye on it within these subtle suggestions. 1118 01:30:36.840 --> 01:30:41.239 I' m allowed and allowed to joke, so sometimes I scream. The 1119 01:30:41.279 --> 01:30:44.960 end of the world is near or I tell you it would be super good 1120 01:30:45.079 --> 01:30:48.119 scriptwriter for the final destination movie. Other times I laugh and answer with good 1121 01:30:48.199 --> 01:30:53.760 vibe. Dad, I' ve been living alone for a few years and 1122 01:30:53.760 --> 01:30:57.399 I haven' t died yet. I think I take care of myself anyway, 1123 01:30:58.079 --> 01:31:02.680 far from getting irritated like I' d done before, I now perceive 1124 01:31:02.800 --> 01:31:06.079 your attitude differently. I just remember why he' s acting like this. 1125 01:31:06.399 --> 01:31:10.960 I accept your emotional backpack. I accept him and accept me to understand his 1126 01:31:12.560 --> 01:31:15.840 story. It allowed me to understand why he behaved like he did with me 1127 01:31:15.960 --> 01:31:20.399 and I was able to transform my thinking, my emotions and with it my 1128 01:31:20.399 --> 01:31:26.960 relationship with him. I firmly believe that this is the key Sometimes we sin 1129 01:31:27.039 --> 01:31:30.760 to idealize dad and mom and when they don' t do the things we 1130 01:31:30.880 --> 01:31:34.039 hope they do, we get angry, but we forget that they are also 1131 01:31:34.520 --> 01:31:40.119 human, that they have their stories and emotional wounds and that they can fail 1132 01:31:40.159 --> 01:31:44.239 or just act as they believe and not as we hope they do. Now 1133 01:31:44.319 --> 01:31:48.720 I remember the times I witnessed moments of emotional invalidation towards my father all my 1134 01:31:48.840 --> 01:31:57.520 life. I heard the others telling him how exaggerated you are always and this 1135 01:31:57.600 --> 01:32:00.520 out of empathy for him. It hurts me because, although I know that 1136 01:32:00.600 --> 01:32:04.239 this exaggeration was part of the overprotection that I reflected in me and that it 1137 01:32:04.640 --> 01:32:08.119 affected me so much, he never had someone to tell him. I understand 1138 01:32:08.239 --> 01:32:11.960 that you care about your daughter, you love her very much, and you 1139 01:32:12.079 --> 01:32:15.239 don' t want anything bad to happen to her. I never complained of 1140 01:32:15.319 --> 01:32:19.680 invalidation towards myself, but he also lived it all his life. I told 1141 01:32:19.760 --> 01:32:26.800 you this wasn' t easy. I understand that there are very complicated family 1142 01:32:26.880 --> 01:32:30.960 relationships and I do not intend to compare myself by telling my story or pretending 1143 01:32:30.960 --> 01:32:34.079 to do what I did, but I would like to move you with this 1144 01:32:34.159 --> 01:32:39.479 story to something that for both me and my patients, has marked a before 1145 01:32:39.560 --> 01:32:43.239 and after the ability to know, understand and accept the emotional backpack of those 1146 01:32:43.239 --> 01:32:48.760 around us. It is necessary to forgive others. Forgiveness is not always forgetting. 1147 01:32:49.119 --> 01:32:53.880 Of course, it never requires justifying or seeking an excuse for the harm 1148 01:32:53.960 --> 01:32:58.279 they did to you. Nor does it imply reconciliation with the person who hurt 1149 01:32:58.359 --> 01:33:02.359 you or should there be no consequences. Forgiveness is being able to leave behind 1150 01:33:02.479 --> 01:33:05.800 what damaged you, close a door to the past and continue with a life 1151 01:33:05.960 --> 01:33:14.840 free of emotional burdens. Forgiveness is letting go of the damage and this is 1152 01:33:15.079 --> 01:33:19.920 sometimes not easy. I have patients who, after trying to make it impossible 1153 01:33:20.039 --> 01:33:25.399 to reconvert their relationship or put all kinds of limits on their family members, 1154 01:33:25.800 --> 01:33:29.800 have decided to break ties. They understand logically and emotionally how they could feel. 1155 01:33:29.920 --> 01:33:34.520 Their relatives know their stories, although this has allowed them to forgive them 1156 01:33:34.680 --> 01:33:40.239 they have decided not to forget because they believe that the damage caused is too 1157 01:33:40.319 --> 01:33:43.640 intense to try to recover the bond. In the end, everyone owns their 1158 01:33:43.680 --> 01:33:46.680 lives and knows what suits them and what does not I have also met people 1159 01:33:46.720 --> 01:33:50.439 who did not want to empathize with their parents, since they felt that they 1160 01:33:50.560 --> 01:33:55.840 could not generate any kind of harmony with them for all the damage they had 1161 01:33:55.960 --> 01:34:00.520 received from them throughout their lives. They were victims of negligent, violent and 1162 01:34:00.680 --> 01:34:06.960 highly manipulative parents. Not being able to empathize when you' ve been hurt 1163 01:34:09.000 --> 01:34:11.880 so much is normal in extreme situations. The human being is incapable of it. 1164 01:34:12.119 --> 01:34:15.119 Doing so would put us in conflict with our values and lead us to 1165 01:34:15.199 --> 01:34:17.560 a confrontation with one' s own being for which no one is prepared. 1166 01:34:18.640 --> 01:34:24.079 However, these people decide to forgive and with them release to free themselves from 1167 01:34:24.199 --> 01:34:28.399 the yoke with which they lived for so many years. He' s done 1168 01:34:28.520 --> 01:34:30.760 me enough damage my whole life. I' m not going to let your 1169 01:34:30.840 --> 01:34:34.560 memory keep doing the same with my present. Alicia told me before she let 1170 01:34:34.640 --> 01:34:39.560 go forever of the great emotional weight with which she lived so many years because 1171 01:34:39.640 --> 01:34:44.560 of her mother. Family relationships, such as couples or friends, can also 1172 01:34:44.600 --> 01:34:50.720 be toxic relationships. The management of these intimate ties is very complex and many 1173 01:34:50.800 --> 01:34:56.479 times, even if a monumental work is done about it, the people affected 1174 01:34:56.640 --> 01:35:00.520 decide that it is best to put a point and end and there is nothing 1175 01:35:00.640 --> 01:35:06.359 wrong with it. It is respectable and sometimes best to forgive whoever we have 1176 01:35:06.800 --> 01:35:12.399 with that person. The kind of bond we have requires time and a lot 1177 01:35:12.520 --> 01:35:15.840 of personal work. In the end, we talked about moving on, moving 1178 01:35:15.920 --> 01:35:19.800 the emotions that anchor you into the past and deliberating burden into your emotional backpack. 1179 01:35:21.159 --> 01:35:24.720 But if you' re looking for calm, you need to forgive. 1180 01:35:26.159 --> 01:35:30.000 I think even the most intense pain can turn into nostalgia. And I remember 1181 01:35:30.079 --> 01:35:33.720 when we allowed ourselves to move forward and give up revenge. Don' t 1182 01:35:33.840 --> 01:35:36.439 forget if you don' t want to, don' t act like nothing. 1183 01:35:36.520 --> 01:35:41.800 When you come across that person, if you don' t feel like 1184 01:35:41.800 --> 01:35:45.239 it, break ties, if there' s no other option, set definitive 1185 01:35:46.600 --> 01:35:51.760 limits if you think it' s necessary, but forgive me, because the 1186 01:35:51.880 --> 01:35:55.239 grudge is gradually gaining ground until it catches you completely. And when you' 1187 01:35:55.239 --> 01:36:00.000 re trapped, the only person who gets lost is you. The wound emotion, 1188 01:36:00.720 --> 01:36:08.039 Emotional wounds are psychological sequelae that experiences leave in us. They are wounds 1189 01:36:08.119 --> 01:36:12.159 without swearing that we carried in our emotional backpack and that originated when we still 1190 01:36:12.239 --> 01:36:15.640 did not have the tools to be able to face complicated situations. Sometimes they 1191 01:36:16.039 --> 01:36:19.319 have nothing to do with what happened objectively, but with what we interpret from 1192 01:36:19.399 --> 01:36:26.000 that experience or the loneliness with which we live it. To understand this, 1193 01:36:26.399 --> 01:36:30.239 we must first know that we can divide things that happen inside and outside people 1194 01:36:30.279 --> 01:36:35.199 into two groups. Internal factors. It refers to what we have innately our 1195 01:36:35.319 --> 01:36:43.840 own personal characteristics, such as the biologically determined temperament and the genetic predisposition of 1196 01:36:44.000 --> 01:36:49.119 each individual. External factors are influencing us from the outside, such as the 1197 01:36:49.199 --> 01:36:56.960 family, interactions with others, events, etcetera. Both have a lot of 1198 01:36:57.399 --> 01:37:00.239 weight, but whether it affects us or not will depend on the interaction between 1199 01:37:00.239 --> 01:37:04.800 them. I' m going to tell you a metaphor that I love because 1200 01:37:04.880 --> 01:37:11.159 it explains how external factors and internal factors influence us. The glass of water. 1201 01:37:12.600 --> 01:37:16.640 Imagine three glasses filled with water, each at different levels. The first 1202 01:37:16.760 --> 01:37:19.760 one has a toe of water, the second one is in half and the 1203 01:37:19.880 --> 01:37:25.239 third one is practically full in the absence of a couple of drops. The 1204 01:37:25.359 --> 01:37:30.439 glass is us in three different situations. The water in each of them symbolizes 1205 01:37:30.479 --> 01:37:33.159 the innate factors with which we come into the world, such as the predisposition 1206 01:37:33.479 --> 01:37:42.000 to different physical or mental illnesses and temperament. Internal factors can be a real 1207 01:37:42.119 --> 01:37:45.319 lottery. You got what' s on you and you can' t change 1208 01:37:45.319 --> 01:37:51.239 it. Now imagine that a jug of water appears on the scene. The 1209 01:37:51.359 --> 01:37:57.600 pitcher will represent external factors. Water can fall into any of the vessels in 1210 01:37:57.720 --> 01:38:00.640 more or less quantity. However, the amount of water already in it will 1211 01:38:00.720 --> 01:38:04.800 be an important condition to know how many boots will end up filling the glass 1212 01:38:04.880 --> 01:38:10.560 or how long it will stay. Without overflowing in this case, that water 1213 01:38:10.640 --> 01:38:14.880 spills would amount to triggering some kind of emotional problem, attachment, insecure, 1214 01:38:15.399 --> 01:38:20.000 anxiety, disorder, obsessive, compulsive, depression, anorexia, schizophrenia, bipolar 1215 01:38:20.399 --> 01:38:27.439 disorder, etcetera. Imagine that we poured ten drops into the first glass, 1216 01:38:29.159 --> 01:38:32.079 since the glass had only one finger of water. We' ll barely notice 1217 01:38:32.079 --> 01:38:38.399 the difference. Now imagine that we put half a jug in the same glass 1218 01:38:38.439 --> 01:38:40.680 that would come to be I don' t know three zero drops. Completely 1219 01:38:40.800 --> 01:38:45.079 random data that I just invented so you can understand the example. It has 1220 01:38:45.159 --> 01:38:49.479 been too many external factors that the person has had to endure, which means 1221 01:38:49.520 --> 01:38:54.720 that the vessel will end up overflowing and the person will have to live with 1222 01:38:54.800 --> 01:38:59.439 some kind of emotional problem. This image could be a proper representation of people 1223 01:38:59.479 --> 01:39:03.800 who have had a very hard life. Now let' s do the same 1224 01:39:03.920 --> 01:39:09.239 thing with the second glass, the one that was half full. Let' 1225 01:39:09.399 --> 01:39:13.039 s see you in the ten drops, just like it' s happened to 1226 01:39:13.039 --> 01:39:15.960 us before. With the first glass, we' ll barely notice the difference. 1227 01:39:16.039 --> 01:39:19.600 However, in this one it will not be necessary to pour half of 1228 01:39:19.720 --> 01:39:24.840 the pitcher so that the water overflows with just a little trickle. Two hundred 1229 01:39:24.840 --> 01:39:28.520 drops, for example, will suffice. Which means that a number of complicated 1230 01:39:28.600 --> 01:39:34.600 situations will trigger an emotional problem. Let' s go with the third glass, 1231 01:39:34.960 --> 01:39:40.119 the fullest. You know what' s going to happen. With ten 1232 01:39:40.199 --> 01:39:45.039 drops of water or less, the glass will overflow. This means that in 1233 01:39:45.399 --> 01:39:48.680 situations where the person is born with great predisposition the drop that fills, the 1234 01:39:48.680 --> 01:39:55.319 vessel can be any external factor. This would also explain why there are people 1235 01:39:55.439 --> 01:40:01.960 who never present any problem notice how interesting My little sister, even having the 1236 01:40:02.039 --> 01:40:06.399 same parents as me and growing up practically in the same context, has a 1237 01:40:06.439 --> 01:40:12.479 way of seeing and dealing with things completely different from mine to show a button. 1238 01:40:13.439 --> 01:40:16.239 When he read the introduction to this book, he was very surprised with 1239 01:40:16.319 --> 01:40:21.000 the three situations of irrational fear and told me I didn' t even think 1240 01:40:21.079 --> 01:40:25.119 about all this stuff you' re talking about. When I looked at the 1241 01:40:25.159 --> 01:40:29.439 stars from the car, I felt protected. In fact, it was something 1242 01:40:29.520 --> 01:40:32.880 that made me feel really good. I loved the new house and although I 1243 01:40:32.960 --> 01:40:36.439 know I' ve seen them, I don' t even remember those shrine 1244 01:40:36.560 --> 01:40:42.199 wax figures. It is a demonstration of the theory that the same situations can 1245 01:40:42.319 --> 01:40:48.640 affect us in different ways depending on the personal characteristics of each one. Two 1246 01:40:48.720 --> 01:40:53.680 people can start from the same point and reach a totally different point, or 1247 01:40:53.760 --> 01:40:59.159 start from a totally different point and reach it. Because even though what we 1248 01:40:59.239 --> 01:41:01.359 live through is important, it is even more important how we live it. 1249 01:41:02.920 --> 01:41:06.560 On this same line. I want you to know that there are more and 1250 01:41:06.680 --> 01:41:11.960 more researches that relate to having a kind of unsafe attachment and therefore emotional wounds, 1251 01:41:12.239 --> 01:41:17.359 with anxiety disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders, depression, personality disorders, etc. 1252 01:41:19.600 --> 01:41:24.600 The case is that complicated situations often cause a break in the psychological balance, 1253 01:41:25.239 --> 01:41:29.079 to which the mind must respond by restoring it with the tools at its 1254 01:41:29.239 --> 01:41:32.920 disposal. These are not always the same for everyone or the most adaptive or 1255 01:41:32.960 --> 01:41:36.880 suitable for the end that we pursue, for example, avoiding everything that scares 1256 01:41:38.000 --> 01:41:42.000 you to not feel that you are in danger, to use drugs to regulate 1257 01:41:43.520 --> 01:41:47.000 emotions or to have many sexual relationships with the aim of finding love. But 1258 01:41:47.359 --> 01:41:53.279 after all, they are the ones we possess at that time. Depending on 1259 01:41:53.359 --> 01:41:56.880 what kind of stressful situations. They occur when they are given and those we 1260 01:41:57.000 --> 01:42:01.359 are surrounded in that phase we will have some tools or others. This reminds 1261 01:42:01.439 --> 01:42:05.279 me of the case of Daniel, a twenty- five- year- old 1262 01:42:05.359 --> 01:42:09.680 boy who came to see me to work on a recent break- up with 1263 01:42:09.680 --> 01:42:13.800 Christian of twenty- six. For Dianio it was very important to find out 1264 01:42:13.880 --> 01:42:17.439 why his relationship had not worked. I needed to name things to understand it. 1265 01:42:17.680 --> 01:42:25.640 Happened, accepted and released into sessions. My patient used to relate conflicting 1266 01:42:25.720 --> 01:42:30.199 situations that she had lived with her partner. While he was talking, I 1267 01:42:30.319 --> 01:42:33.239 was analyzing the behaviors that occurred between the two of us. I always had 1268 01:42:33.319 --> 01:42:38.119 the feeling that Christian was manipulating Daniel and that' s why he felt confused. 1269 01:42:38.239 --> 01:42:42.359 Every time I tried to tie things up. Why I couldn' t 1270 01:42:42.479 --> 01:42:45.920 figure out he was manipulating me. Now that you tell me, it' 1271 01:42:46.000 --> 01:42:49.239 s so easy to see him He told me one day. Now that I 1272 01:42:49.359 --> 01:42:56.159 know this would have taken the conversation anywhere else. Daniel, don' t 1273 01:42:56.239 --> 01:43:00.479 be so hard on yourself. I answered you. I just explained the situation 1274 01:43:00.560 --> 01:43:03.680 from another point of view and now you understand why it was given to you. 1275 01:43:03.720 --> 01:43:08.199 I have given new information and with it a new tool. That' 1276 01:43:08.279 --> 01:43:12.479 s why you can see it so easily and look for other solutions. In 1277 01:43:12.560 --> 01:43:15.479 the past you didn' t have this tool and you did what you could 1278 01:43:15.479 --> 01:43:18.760 with what you knew. That' s the way it is, dear reader. 1279 01:43:19.800 --> 01:43:26.680 Information is also a tool. Information is power. That' s why 1280 01:43:26.760 --> 01:43:30.560 I focus so much on always explaining things, understanding helps to tie things up. 1281 01:43:30.920 --> 01:43:35.039 It comforts us and also allows us to move forward and improve. I 1282 01:43:35.119 --> 01:43:40.520 told you in the previous chapter that babies and young children have mostly crying as 1283 01:43:40.640 --> 01:43:44.199 a tool to attract the attention of the adult, with the aim of helping 1284 01:43:44.319 --> 01:43:49.079 them to correct their emotions or solve an uncomfortable situation. I think you' 1285 01:43:49.119 --> 01:43:53.680 ve already realized that childhood is the most delicate stage, because that' s 1286 01:43:53.760 --> 01:44:00.000 when we have fewer tools as we grow, we are acquiring new ones, 1287 01:44:00.279 --> 01:44:04.399 mainly those provided by the adult and once we enter adolescence, although we still 1288 01:44:04.840 --> 01:44:10.560 need parents or caregivers, we have more resources, so the dependence to face 1289 01:44:10.640 --> 01:44:17.520 the world is much lower. The same happens during youth or adulthood. Over 1290 01:44:17.640 --> 01:44:23.439 the years we become more knowledgeable, but that does not mean that over time 1291 01:44:23.800 --> 01:44:30.439 we are cracks and know how to face difficult situations. We are in continuous 1292 01:44:30.520 --> 01:44:32.960 learning and I think most of the time we are not always lucky enough to 1293 01:44:33.039 --> 01:44:38.760 have tools that allow us to solve something perfectly. That is why I like 1294 01:44:38.840 --> 01:44:42.560 to say that we face the problems with what we know and have at that 1295 01:44:42.560 --> 01:44:46.880 time. The wounds derived from the highly stressful moments in the emotional sense, 1296 01:44:47.239 --> 01:44:50.399 will be traces that will condition our quality of life. Once we become older 1297 01:44:50.439 --> 01:44:55.720 than childhood, they will be the ones that make the most of us, 1298 01:44:56.039 --> 01:44:59.640 since it is the most delicate stage and the brain is in full development. 1299 01:45:00.119 --> 01:45:04.640 However, Manuel Hernández Pacheco theorized about the high probability that human beings will suffer 1300 01:45:04.680 --> 01:45:09.359 injuries, that they will change our type of attachment to any age, and 1301 01:45:09.439 --> 01:45:14.079 not only when we are small, since stressful events can occur at any time. 1302 01:45:15.479 --> 01:45:18.640 Makes sense. The years pass, people grow and life continues to give 1303 01:45:19.000 --> 01:45:24.039 rise to adolescence, youth and adulthood stages in which we continue to relate to 1304 01:45:24.159 --> 01:45:30.319 others and things continue to happen to us. This is why we know that 1305 01:45:30.439 --> 01:45:34.840 attachment is not unmovable and can vary from childhood when it conformed as you were 1306 01:45:34.840 --> 01:45:39.479 told, I love you, a person can make and grow with a totally 1307 01:45:39.640 --> 01:45:44.960 secure attachment, but after, for example, a toxic relationship, it will 1308 01:45:45.039 --> 01:45:48.399 change one of an anxious kind. Likewise, it may be that someone develops 1309 01:45:48.439 --> 01:45:55.079 an anxious attachment in the relationship with their parents, but thanks to their personal 1310 01:45:55.199 --> 01:46:00.239 work and experiences, changes to a certain type of attachment. And it may 1311 01:46:00.319 --> 01:46:03.079 also be that someone who conforms in childhood a secure attachment and keeps it for 1312 01:46:03.199 --> 01:46:08.159 the rest of his life. For example, a child may grow up with 1313 01:46:08.239 --> 01:46:12.039 a secure attachment, but at school he or she will suffer bullying and move 1314 01:46:12.119 --> 01:46:15.680 on to any unsafe attachment. It can also happen that you come from an 1315 01:46:15.800 --> 01:46:20.079 anxious attachment and, after a process of therapy and healthy linking experiences, change 1316 01:46:20.159 --> 01:46:25.880 to a secure attachment. If we know this and understand that at any time 1317 01:46:25.960 --> 01:46:30.880 a highly stressful event can be experienced, we will understand that the rest of 1318 01:46:30.000 --> 01:46:36.000 personal history also influences the type of attachment of adults. As I will show 1319 01:46:36.000 --> 01:46:41.279 you now, the characteristics of attachment resulting from all things lived will be what 1320 01:46:41.279 --> 01:46:45.560 is reflected when dealing with emotional conflicts in relationships of any kind friendship, couple, 1321 01:46:45.880 --> 01:46:53.199 family, etcetera. The four types of attachment in adults. Let' 1322 01:46:53.319 --> 01:46:58.680 s see what adult attachment definitions are like. For this I will recover some 1323 01:46:58.760 --> 01:47:01.239 of the information that you can already read in I love you, although this 1324 01:47:01.319 --> 01:47:10.079 time you will find it enlarged and updated attachment. I' m sure it 1325 01:47:10.199 --> 01:47:15.760 ' s easy to be loving to your partner and enjoy intimacy, without over 1326 01:47:15.279 --> 01:47:19.159 - concerning the relationship. You feel confident and comfortable being a couple, but 1327 01:47:19.359 --> 01:47:25.439 you also enjoy your independence and give it to your partner. You like to 1328 01:47:25.560 --> 01:47:28.720 share time with your partner, but you also know how to give him his 1329 01:47:28.720 --> 01:47:34.560 space. You feel reciprocated in your relationship. It doesn' t make you 1330 01:47:34.640 --> 01:47:39.760 uncomfortable to deal with emotional conflicts and take it easy to deal with any issues 1331 01:47:39.760 --> 01:47:45.079 in the relationship. You can communicate your feelings and needs, as well as 1332 01:47:45.159 --> 01:47:47.680 respond to your partner' s. You' re not afraid of abandonment. 1333 01:47:48.039 --> 01:47:51.760 You trust the relationship and you know that if one day things don' t 1334 01:47:51.760 --> 01:47:56.800 go well, you' ll have to accept it. Even if it hurts 1335 01:47:56.800 --> 01:48:01.840 you get close to others when you need support and offer yours when it is 1336 01:48:01.840 --> 01:48:06.039 neo necessary anxious attachment. Couple relationships tend to consume much of your emotional energy. 1337 01:48:09.640 --> 01:48:13.800 You' re doing everything you can not to be alone. You need 1338 01:48:13.840 --> 01:48:19.279 the attention and approval of others constantly and validate your own emotions and needs and 1339 01:48:19.479 --> 01:48:25.880 focus on caring for others. You' re willing to do whatever it takes 1340 01:48:25.960 --> 01:48:31.840 to feel valid and accepted. You tend to impulsiveness. You have a hard 1341 01:48:32.199 --> 01:48:35.720 time wanting to accept and take care of yourself when you' re wrong. 1342 01:48:36.079 --> 01:48:42.560 You' re very heavy at fault, you' re often constantly worried about 1343 01:48:42.960 --> 01:48:46.119 your partner relationship, which makes your world dependent on it. You have very 1344 01:48:46.239 --> 01:48:51.319 low tolerance for frustration and uncertainty. You fear that the person you are with 1345 01:48:51.359 --> 01:48:55.840 does not have the same expectations as you in the relationship, and that creates 1346 01:48:55.920 --> 01:48:59.680 fear of abandonment, loneliness and rejection which makes you develop excessive attention to small 1347 01:48:59.680 --> 01:49:06.840 details such as mood swings, gestures and behaviors. You feel very well the 1348 01:49:06.920 --> 01:49:11.560 attitudes of others, but you usually take them personally, and that' s 1349 01:49:11.640 --> 01:49:15.880 something that loses you because it makes you angry easily. Also, you have 1350 01:49:15.960 --> 01:49:20.520 a great difficulty controlling your impulses and you usually mess it up, although then 1351 01:49:20.640 --> 01:49:26.640 you repent and feel guilty. Often you discover yourself looking for problems where there 1352 01:49:26.760 --> 01:49:31.439 are no problems, which responds to the typical concern of anxious attachment you suffer 1353 01:49:31.560 --> 01:49:36.520 the paradox of fear of abandonment. Right after this section, you have explained 1354 01:49:36.680 --> 01:49:44.720 that it is you possess a huge empathy, you have a lot of ease 1355 01:49:44.840 --> 01:49:48.399 to intimate deeply and you are always looking for emotional intimacy, even if the 1356 01:49:48.520 --> 01:49:51.239 other person is not yet ready for it. Sometimes this makes you think the 1357 01:49:51.279 --> 01:49:56.720 couple doesn' t love you the way you think they should. You feel 1358 01:49:56.760 --> 01:50:00.720 miserable when you don' t have a partner. It' s really hard 1359 01:50:00.720 --> 01:50:05.840 to leave a relationship. You suffer a lot from a breakup. Your longing 1360 01:50:05.920 --> 01:50:13.079 to create close ties. Sometimes take away your suitors or couples. You rely 1361 01:50:13.159 --> 01:50:17.000 heavily on the approval of others and often doubt your own value. You tend 1362 01:50:17.079 --> 01:50:21.880 to idealize your partner, you usually let others mark the rhythm of the relationship 1363 01:50:21.960 --> 01:50:30.680 during a discussion. You need to resolve the conflict immediately. You can' 1364 01:50:30.800 --> 01:50:33.239 t lie down at night if you know that you and your partner are angry. 1365 01:50:34.960 --> 01:50:40.159 If your partner gives you a great deal of attention, peace and security, 1366 01:50:40.800 --> 01:50:46.840 you put aside your worries and feel comfortable tending to codependency. Your mood 1367 01:50:46.920 --> 01:50:55.760 depends a lot on the people you love. Evasive attachment, avoidative. He 1368 01:50:55.880 --> 01:51:00.399 ' s usually a distant, cold person. Although you' re not afraid 1369 01:51:00.479 --> 01:51:02.239 of buying and you like to generate intimacy with the couple. It overwhelms you 1370 01:51:02.279 --> 01:51:05.399 to do it. That' s why you usually send her confusing messages. 1371 01:51:06.960 --> 01:51:12.279 You find it uncomfortable to be emotionally close to or trust other people, so 1372 01:51:12.600 --> 01:51:17.399 you often insist on the importance of setting limits. People around you often complain 1373 01:51:17.439 --> 01:51:24.880 that you usually put emotional or physical distance. You have a hard time expressing 1374 01:51:24.960 --> 01:51:27.560 emotions, I want to tell you. It can become a challenge to talk 1375 01:51:27.640 --> 01:51:34.359 about emotions, expectations thoughts or the trajectory of your intimate relationships. Whether it 1376 01:51:34.399 --> 01:51:38.680 ' s friendship, couple or family, it' s complicated for you. 1377 01:51:40.159 --> 01:51:45.920 You consider yourself emotionally self- sufficient, although you can become very fond of 1378 01:51:45.920 --> 01:51:49.680 someone. Couple isn' t usually your priority. Couple relationships don' t 1379 01:51:49.800 --> 01:51:54.760 give you much concern. If any of them go wrong, you don' 1380 01:51:54.840 --> 01:51:59.439 t stop to be sorry too much. It' s hard for you to 1381 01:51:59.600 --> 01:52:03.560 generate emotional intimacy, so most of your relationships are usually superficial. If they 1382 01:52:03.640 --> 01:52:09.399 turn you down or hurt you. You usually walk away. You tend to 1383 01:52:09.439 --> 01:52:12.800 put yourself on the defensive, to the slightest hint of control or invasion of 1384 01:52:12.880 --> 01:52:16.279 what you consider your territory by the couple. You value your independence and autonomy 1385 01:52:16.279 --> 01:52:24.520 very much. You usually idealize your mates during a discussion. You need to 1386 01:52:24.520 --> 01:52:29.359 get away. You don' t usually understand the emotional reactions of people around 1387 01:52:29.399 --> 01:52:32.359 you when they' re not logical for you, so you usually consider that 1388 01:52:32.439 --> 01:52:38.960 the issue in question isn' t so much a problem when it comes to 1389 01:52:38.960 --> 01:52:43.039 managing emotional conflicts. You feel out of place. You' d rather avoid 1390 01:52:43.119 --> 01:52:46.760 them and not talk about them. You get frustrated when you feel that a 1391 01:52:46.800 --> 01:52:50.079 family partner or friend depends on you, or when you feel that you depend 1392 01:52:50.079 --> 01:52:55.920 on someone. You find it uncomfortable to feel that you need someone' s 1393 01:52:56.000 --> 01:53:02.279 help to handle some emotional conflict with yourself or others. Disorganized attachment. Your 1394 01:53:02.359 --> 01:53:08.840 relationships are of love hate, Your reactions to conflicts are very explosive, even 1395 01:53:09.199 --> 01:53:15.239 if they arise from tranquility. You have an aggressive attitude. Your relationships are 1396 01:53:15.239 --> 01:53:21.479 usually very conflictive and dramatic, unstable and with emotional ups and downs. You 1397 01:53:21.560 --> 01:53:26.239 ' re so afraid that they' ll hurt you and not respect your limits, 1398 01:53:26.880 --> 01:53:29.520 you' re afraid they' ll betray you. You' re constantly 1399 01:53:29.600 --> 01:53:34.520 defensive in your relationships. In your relationships you stay alert and hypervigilance to avoid 1400 01:53:34.600 --> 01:53:44.000 betrayal you relate to others. From mistrust, you try to control everything to 1401 01:53:44.119 --> 01:53:49.600 lessen the danger. Control will be your greatest tool in managing jealousy. Sometimes 1402 01:53:49.640 --> 01:53:54.039 it may seem like there' s no connection between what you do and what 1403 01:53:54.039 --> 01:53:59.079 you feel. You don' t understand the limits of others. On the 1404 01:53:59.119 --> 01:54:02.399 one hand, you may be afraid of being abandoned, but on the other 1405 01:54:02.399 --> 01:54:04.840 hand, you find it hard to be intimate. What is the paradox of 1406 01:54:04.960 --> 01:54:11.119 fear of abandonment? The paradox of fear of abandonment occurs when behavior is conditioned 1407 01:54:11.199 --> 01:54:16.680 by an obsessive idea. When someone is afraid of abandonment, he sets in 1408 01:54:16.800 --> 01:54:20.800 motion behaviors that seek to prevent the person with whom he or she maintains the 1409 01:54:20.800 --> 01:54:25.720 bond from leaving it. These are ways of proceeding that aim to control and 1410 01:54:25.840 --> 01:54:30.600 check everything the other does. On many occasions, harassment is the case, 1411 01:54:31.079 --> 01:54:38.039 for example, by conducting accusatory interrogations, obsessively checking their social networks, or 1412 01:54:38.159 --> 01:54:41.399 by snooping their computer and mobile phone. According to a study carried out by 1413 01:54:41.520 --> 01:54:45.399 the Reina Sofía Center on Adolescence and Youth, sixty- two, coma nine 1414 01:54:45.520 --> 01:54:48.520 percent of young people aged fourteen and nineteen, meet girls who check their boyfriend 1415 01:54:48.600 --> 01:54:53.680 ' s mobile phone and fifty- eight coma six percent. Meet guys who 1416 01:54:53.760 --> 01:54:58.800 check their girlfriends' cell phone this same study picks up that most often it 1417 01:54:58.840 --> 01:55:01.039 ' s the guys who tell their girlfriends who they can talk to and who 1418 01:55:01.159 --> 01:55:06.199 they don' t talk to the other person in the relationship, whether it 1419 01:55:06.279 --> 01:55:10.520 ' s a couple or friendship. Although this happens more frequently in couple relationships, 1420 01:55:10.880 --> 01:55:15.199 this behavior causes him distress so he ends up abandoning the relationship, thus 1421 01:55:15.560 --> 01:55:20.000 increasing the fear of abandonment in a kind of self- fulfilling prophecy. On 1422 01:55:20.119 --> 01:55:25.840 other occasions, breaking the relationship is a very recurring defense mechanism. This is 1423 01:55:26.279 --> 01:55:31.159 an unconscious reaction to an emotionally difficult situation, that is, to the lack 1424 01:55:31.239 --> 01:55:36.119 of control of the environment. These people prevent catastrophic links and prefer to venture 1425 01:55:36.239 --> 01:55:40.920 to break the relationship before trusting the other side and facing their fear, for 1426 01:55:40.920 --> 01:55:45.920 example, as a measure of prevention against the suffering and emotional pain that can 1427 01:55:45.000 --> 01:55:49.279 occur from a possible abandonment. I make the decision to abandon this person. 1428 01:55:49.399 --> 01:55:53.640 I first and before my partner stops loving me and goes away with someone else, 1429 01:55:53.920 --> 01:55:59.279 I break the relationship and thus eliminate the likelihood of suffering. And this 1430 01:55:59.399 --> 01:56:02.640 happens without any indication other than the very suspicion that it is born of emotional 1431 01:56:02.720 --> 01:56:10.399 wounds or irrational beliefs about love or friendship. I grew up with a certain 1432 01:56:10.399 --> 01:56:14.640 attachment. In spite of all the past, the relationship with my parents was 1433 01:56:14.760 --> 01:56:18.840 safe. However, the consequences of overprotective brushstrokes were kept within my subconscious. 1434 01:56:21.680 --> 01:56:27.199 So, when I had my first couple relationship, I responded to my ex 1435 01:56:27.279 --> 01:56:30.880 ' s evasive behaviors with the only tools I had at the time to give 1436 01:56:31.000 --> 01:56:34.359 everything for others, just as my father did and as I had learned myself. 1437 01:56:36.960 --> 01:56:41.279 This wouldn' t have been a problem if my partner back then hadn 1438 01:56:41.359 --> 01:56:45.159 ' t had an evasive attachment, but as if I had it, my 1439 01:56:45.159 --> 01:56:48.199 behavior ended up overwhelming him. In fact, he was telling me that I 1440 01:56:48.319 --> 01:56:53.680 was a very dependent person. It' s funny, because I hadn' 1441 01:56:53.800 --> 01:56:58.920 t had any dependent relationship until that moment when everything exploded my interest. He 1442 01:56:59.000 --> 01:57:01.640 woke up in him an evasive behavior that in turn made me even more worried 1443 01:57:01.800 --> 01:57:08.039 about him, which made him more distant from me and thus to infinity. 1444 01:57:10.760 --> 01:57:15.800 Actually, it' s not that I was a dependent person, it' 1445 01:57:15.880 --> 01:57:19.239 s that your lack of emotional responsibility and evasive behavior awakened my attachment system. 1446 01:57:20.680 --> 01:57:25.960 There are people with evasive attachment who throw the balls of responsibility out blaming others 1447 01:57:26.000 --> 01:57:29.880 for emotional dependence, when it is they who are not able to assume their 1448 01:57:29.960 --> 01:57:34.279 share of affective responsibility in the relationship. I was a dependent person. Yeah, 1449 01:57:34.720 --> 01:57:41.119 but only after that relationship and not before. Perhaps that same behavior toward 1450 01:57:41.359 --> 01:57:45.720 a person with sure attachment would not have been so overwhelming. The thing is, 1451 01:57:46.199 --> 01:57:49.920 for me this situation with my ex- partner was the drop that filled 1452 01:57:49.920 --> 01:57:57.000 the glass. From that catastrophic relationship. I would suffer for many years all 1453 01:57:57.079 --> 01:58:00.479 the consequences of an anxious attachment system and for that and for all the beliefs 1454 01:58:00.560 --> 01:58:05.199 about love that I had dragged for years, I would end up experiencing so 1455 01:58:05.199 --> 01:58:11.760 many dependent relationships. What is emotional trauma? It' s the first time 1456 01:58:11.880 --> 01:58:15.560 the word trauma has appeared with all its lyrics, but I want you to 1457 01:58:15.640 --> 01:58:17.520 know that I' ve already told you about it. I know it' 1458 01:58:17.600 --> 01:58:21.359 s a little scary to read it. We usually associate with very serious events, 1459 01:58:21.760 --> 01:58:28.319 such as rape, accidents, natural disasters, sexual abuse or physical abuse. 1460 01:58:28.640 --> 01:58:31.279 But the truth is that this word can be used to define any experience 1461 01:58:31.439 --> 01:58:35.960 of high emotional intensity that we have not been able to integrate into memory as 1462 01:58:35.960 --> 01:58:40.319 a learning, that is, as something that has made us wiser and stronger, 1463 01:58:41.000 --> 01:58:44.840 but as an event that has marked us and, therefore, will negatively 1464 01:58:44.920 --> 01:58:50.560 condition our life. The word trauma comes from the Greek etherus, which means 1465 01:58:50.560 --> 01:58:56.760 hurt, because that' s what an emotional wound is. You see how 1466 01:58:56.840 --> 01:59:00.399 I' ve already told you about this concept. That' s the amount 1467 01:59:00.479 --> 01:59:05.800 of deepening it. Some carry emotional injuries all their lives. You' re 1468 01:59:05.880 --> 01:59:10.880 still bleeding as long as it happens and as many good things happen to you. 1469 01:59:11.880 --> 01:59:15.319 Let' s look at a couple of metaphors to understand well what this 1470 01:59:15.439 --> 01:59:20.359 is about trauma and how it affects the infected cut. Imagine that you are 1471 01:59:20.439 --> 01:59:25.680 cutting a tomato to make a salad and that in an oversight this slips and 1472 01:59:25.800 --> 01:59:30.399 you cut yourself in a finger with the knife. The wound looks deep, 1473 01:59:30.800 --> 01:59:34.600 but you decide to heal yourself at home instead of going to the hospital with 1474 01:59:34.680 --> 01:59:39.279 a kitchen cloth. You manage to stop the bleeding and put on a little 1475 01:59:39.399 --> 01:59:43.880 bandage you had at home after a few days. The wound hurts a lot 1476 01:59:44.039 --> 01:59:46.359 and you realize I' m infected, but you still think you don' 1477 01:59:46.439 --> 01:59:50.880 t need to go to the hospital. The wound is getting worse and it 1478 01:59:51.000 --> 01:59:55.920 hurts more and more, but you continue to insist on doing things for yourself. 1479 01:59:57.680 --> 02:00:00.119 The days pass, although your wound is getting worse and worse, you 1480 02:00:00.159 --> 02:00:04.800 pass Olympicly from it and try to make your life as usual, though with 1481 02:00:04.800 --> 02:00:10.279 clear pain. One day you notice that the wound prevents you from leading a 1482 02:00:10.279 --> 02:00:12.880 normal life. You' re afraid to meet the person you like in case 1483 02:00:13.000 --> 02:00:16.039 it starts to hurt, it gives you palover because they don' t know 1484 02:00:16.159 --> 02:00:19.800 you have an infected and very bad wound. Sometimes it also hurts a lot 1485 02:00:19.840 --> 02:00:24.640 at work and you can' t think clearly. There are even times when 1486 02:00:24.720 --> 02:00:28.119 you can' t feel anything other than the pain the wound causes you Actually, 1487 02:00:29.600 --> 02:00:33.359 I think no one would get to this end when they see that the 1488 02:00:33.439 --> 02:00:39.880 wound is infected, we would go to the hospital. It would be very 1489 02:00:40.000 --> 02:00:43.520 painful to live with something like that. It turns out that traumas work the 1490 02:00:43.680 --> 02:00:48.880 same way. These highly stressful episodes are wounds to our memory that our brain 1491 02:00:49.039 --> 02:00:55.119 has not been able to heal on its own. And you know that the 1492 02:00:55.199 --> 02:00:58.840 pain of an emotional wound can become even more intense than it is from a 1493 02:00:58.960 --> 02:01:01.159 physical wound. But as you can' t see, it doesn' t 1494 02:01:01.159 --> 02:01:05.399 seem to exist. It is known that not necessarily, all people who have 1495 02:01:05.439 --> 02:01:11.560 gone through highly stressful situations will be traumatized. Remember the subject of each one 1496 02:01:11.640 --> 02:01:15.720 ' s predisposition and tools, but in one way or another, we all 1497 02:01:15.840 --> 02:01:20.199 have emotional wounds. What varies in each of us is the intensity of trauma. 1498 02:01:23.199 --> 02:01:26.119 Some people can' t remember their traumas. Oblivion, in this case, 1499 02:01:26.840 --> 02:01:30.439 is a brain defense mechanism to protect you from pain. And there are 1500 02:01:30.520 --> 02:01:33.239 also those who cannot stop recreating them in their minds. But in any case, 1501 02:01:33.520 --> 02:01:39.239 all people with emotional injuries always perceive these situations as painful and unpleasant. 1502 02:01:41.520 --> 02:01:45.399 There are no traumas of positive experiences, because although it is true that these 1503 02:01:45.479 --> 02:01:48.920 leave us with very good memories, unfortunately they do not mark us as much 1504 02:01:48.920 --> 02:01:55.319 as traumas. This is for survival reasons. The brain needs much more to 1505 02:01:55.359 --> 02:01:58.880 remember the situations that put it in danger, in order to avoid them that 1506 02:01:58.960 --> 02:02:03.640 those who like trauma victims can be people who have witnessed them or a loved 1507 02:02:03.800 --> 02:02:08.800 one, a violent or tragic act, or who have suffered. The death 1508 02:02:08.920 --> 02:02:12.199 of a loved one, animal or person, the bite of an animal, 1509 02:02:12.560 --> 02:02:17.000 long hospitalizations or long seasons in the incubator, a rape, a very large 1510 02:02:17.119 --> 02:02:21.359 personal failure, a robbery, a traffic accident, an abortion, a toxic 1511 02:02:21.479 --> 02:02:28.600 relationship, times with serious economic problems, instability or harassment at work, a 1512 02:02:28.640 --> 02:02:31.840 period of very high stress at work, as happened to many of the health 1513 02:02:32.039 --> 02:02:36.359 - care providers who had to deal day and night with 19 patients, as 1514 02:02:36.399 --> 02:02:42.239 well as people living with incapacitating diseases, who have been victims of a natural 1515 02:02:42.359 --> 02:02:45.239 disaster, who feel betrayed by someone whom they loved a lot of infidelity, 1516 02:02:45.760 --> 02:02:50.319 for example, who face removal, who are separated from friendships, who suffer 1517 02:02:50.399 --> 02:02:57.119 from occasional episodes of bullying, as well as children who have suffered neglect, 1518 02:02:57.760 --> 02:03:04.039 sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse repeatedly by their primary caregivers or other family 1519 02:03:04.119 --> 02:03:11.880 members, or who have witnessed domestic violence, but also adults who have experienced 1520 02:03:11.880 --> 02:03:16.039 domestic violence for a long time, people who have suffered serious bullying or have 1521 02:03:16.079 --> 02:03:25.159 lived in a refugee camp, etc. Victims of chronic or repeated traumas over 1522 02:03:25.239 --> 02:03:29.560 time have no room to regain the emotional balance between events, which leads them 1523 02:03:29.960 --> 02:03:33.279 to live in a state of hypervigilance and constant concern, devoting to the energy 1524 02:03:33.279 --> 02:03:41.039 they could use, in other things, to defense and survival. A trauma 1525 02:03:41.159 --> 02:03:45.880 is considered more complex and therefore serious, the smaller the victim. Remember that 1526 02:03:45.000 --> 02:03:50.039 children have fewer resources and tools to deal with different situations. That' s 1527 02:03:50.199 --> 02:03:56.479 why everything affects them more. Evidently, the consequences of having experienced trauma always 1528 02:03:56.680 --> 02:04:01.399 have some impact on the individual. I tell you this because many evidences have 1529 02:04:01.439 --> 02:04:05.279 been found that the person responsible for the type of attachment changes is always a 1530 02:04:05.359 --> 02:04:12.800 trauma, especially if it is related to the links situations that change our type 1531 02:04:12.880 --> 02:04:17.479 of attachment. What situations in childhood can be so traumatic as to develop a 1532 02:04:17.560 --> 02:04:25.720 different attachment to secure attachment Here are some examples of children who are not heard 1533 02:04:25.800 --> 02:04:30.079 or are emotionally invalidated. This implies an emotional abandonment in a real or felt 1534 02:04:30.079 --> 02:04:38.279 way. Consequences learn to inhibit their emotional discomfort because they feel that by expressing 1535 02:04:38.399 --> 02:04:42.239 themselves they are a burden or discomfort, so they simply do what is expected 1536 02:04:42.239 --> 02:04:45.239 of them. This leads them to generate a need to control the environment. 1537 02:04:45.319 --> 02:04:48.880 If I look at what my parents want and do, they get happy and 1538 02:04:49.000 --> 02:04:54.840 I avoid discomfort. This works for me, because I don' t need 1539 02:04:54.840 --> 02:04:58.680 to express anything, because if I express it, they invalidate me or ignore 1540 02:04:58.760 --> 02:05:02.079 me and that makes me feel bad. They will learn to relate superficially for 1541 02:05:02.199 --> 02:05:08.720 fear of another abandonment. The message they receive unconsciously is you have to regulate 1542 02:05:08.800 --> 02:05:12.439 yourself, even if you tell me what you think or feel. I don 1543 02:05:12.560 --> 02:05:15.039 ' t care what you feel. It' s not right. There' 1544 02:05:15.119 --> 02:05:17.039 s something wrong with you Your opinion doesn' t count. I don' 1545 02:05:18.960 --> 02:05:25.039 t care about children who are physically or emotionally abused or who are victims of 1546 02:05:25.079 --> 02:05:30.319 rape or sexual abuse consequences. They learn not to trust anyone, even if 1547 02:05:30.399 --> 02:05:34.760 at the same time they want to trust them they usually feel for their most 1548 02:05:34.880 --> 02:05:39.399 intimate ties a mixture of love you and at the same time I do not 1549 02:05:39.399 --> 02:05:42.640 love you in case you hurt me. They learn to submit to figures of 1550 02:05:42.720 --> 02:05:45.920 authority and understand that to be accepted they have to suffer. They assume that 1551 02:05:46.000 --> 02:05:50.279 not feeling valid is normal. That is why it is very difficult for them 1552 02:05:50.399 --> 02:05:55.600 to perceive themselves in a minimally positive way. They generate a lot of anger 1553 02:05:55.760 --> 02:06:01.079 and disgust towards themselves emotions that their abusers, rapists or abusers project on them, 1554 02:06:01.840 --> 02:06:04.880 do not identify well their own limits or those of the other people they 1555 02:06:05.000 --> 02:06:11.159 relate to. They often have a lot of trouble connecting with others throughout their 1556 02:06:11.279 --> 02:06:16.439 lives. They take extreme patterns of behavior or show themselves very close and dependent, 1557 02:06:16.880 --> 02:06:23.520 or are very cold, evasive and emotionally remote. There is no organized 1558 02:06:25.399 --> 02:06:30.760 and coherent attitude. The message they receive unconsciously is you' re insignificant, 1559 02:06:31.159 --> 02:06:35.319 you' re worthless, you don' t deserve to be loved. Don 1560 02:06:35.479 --> 02:06:41.880 ' t trust anyone. Compadre children who are very demanding of themselves or their 1561 02:06:42.000 --> 02:06:47.159 children, learn that they are only valid and successful in their tasks, so 1562 02:06:47.159 --> 02:06:51.319 their feeling of sufficiency goes hand in hand with that of productivity or success and, 1563 02:06:51.479 --> 02:06:56.680 since neither one or the other never has adult limits, they can be 1564 02:06:56.720 --> 02:07:01.000 very demanding and develop dependence, work addiction, anxiety, frustration and low self 1565 02:07:01.319 --> 02:07:10.760 - esteem. The message they receive unconsciously is never enough. Overprotected children, 1566 02:07:12.880 --> 02:07:16.720 learn that they are people who depend on others, feel that they cannot face 1567 02:07:16.800 --> 02:07:21.720 the world alone, and that their ogre capacity is low. The message they 1568 02:07:21.840 --> 02:07:30.000 receive unconsciously is you alone cannot be insufficient. Although the intentions of the adult 1569 02:07:30.039 --> 02:07:33.119 are good and the intention is to remove the child from the emotional discomfort caused 1570 02:07:33.439 --> 02:07:36.800 by failure, what is really done is to prevent him from learning to face 1571 02:07:36.920 --> 02:07:44.199 alone the challenges and complicated situations through control. Children who have excessively fearful parents 1572 02:07:44.359 --> 02:07:50.520 learn that everything is dangerous, that they need to be very careful and very 1573 02:07:50.600 --> 02:07:55.199 careful about the environment and behavior of others to avoid serious problems and situations. 1574 02:07:57.319 --> 02:08:00.640 They feel that the probability of bad things happening is mons and high, so 1575 02:08:00.720 --> 02:08:05.319 they usually generate quite anxiety and a high need for control. They usually ruminate 1576 02:08:05.399 --> 02:08:09.720 a lot and worry about everything too much. The message they receive unconsciously is 1577 02:08:09.800 --> 02:08:18.079 the world is a dangerous place. You just can' t be vulnerable kids 1578 02:08:18.159 --> 02:08:24.079 who barely see their parents because they travel, work a lot, or are 1579 02:08:24.199 --> 02:08:28.039 hospitalized for a long time. Consequences learn that they cannot count on anyone to 1580 02:08:28.079 --> 02:08:35.079 cope with them in life and that they must self- regulate emotionally are adults 1581 02:08:35.079 --> 02:08:41.520 before time. The message they receive unconsciously is that you have to be self 1582 02:08:41.520 --> 02:08:48.159 - sufficient. Unwanted children in the family. Consequences learn that they are neither 1583 02:08:48.279 --> 02:08:52.760 valid nor dear. They grow up with very poor self- esteem, as 1584 02:08:52.880 --> 02:08:56.600 they assume that they are a burden or a nuisance. The message they receive 1585 02:08:56.680 --> 02:09:01.079 unconsciously is that they do not belong to this place. You can' t 1586 02:09:01.199 --> 02:09:07.720 connect with us. There is something wrong with you compadre children who untiringly argue 1587 02:09:07.800 --> 02:09:11.920 and lack respect or who live in a traumatic way the separation from their parents. 1588 02:09:13.840 --> 02:09:18.159 Consequences learn that anything can happen at any time, so you should be 1589 02:09:18.239 --> 02:09:22.439 alert and alert to the relationship and emotions of your parents. They are children 1590 02:09:22.560 --> 02:09:26.920 who end up taking responsibility for things that do not belong to them. They 1591 02:09:26.960 --> 02:09:33.960 ' re adults early. The unconscious message they receive is your fault. Children 1592 02:09:35.039 --> 02:09:39.880 who experience gender- based violence consequences, learn to read expressions and be constantly 1593 02:09:39.960 --> 02:09:45.520 alert to any stimuli, noises, gestures, tones of voice, etc, 1594 02:09:46.279 --> 02:09:50.319 that may mean a change of emotion in those around them. On many occasions 1595 02:09:50.760 --> 02:09:56.239 they end up repeating the patterns of their parents, being future abusers or victims. 1596 02:09:58.439 --> 02:10:01.720 The unconscious message he gets is your fault. Don' t relax, 1597 02:10:03.239 --> 02:10:11.720 you' re never worth children who are victims of fatophobia in the family environment 1598 02:10:11.800 --> 02:10:13.600 consequences develop a bad relationship with food and with their own body and personal worth. 1599 02:10:15.640 --> 02:10:18.960 The message they receive unconsciously is your body is wrong you are a disgrace. 1600 02:10:20.920 --> 02:10:26.000 If you are not thin, you are not worth children whose parents have 1601 02:10:26.159 --> 02:10:33.479 some psychological disorder or addiction consequences they usually learn and depending on the illness one 1602 02:10:33.600 --> 02:10:37.359 or both parents suffer, who must protect and cheer their parents, as well 1603 02:10:37.800 --> 02:10:41.520 as improve their quality of life, become involved and responsible for many of their 1604 02:10:41.640 --> 02:10:50.279 parents' problems. They acquire high responsibility ahead of time. The unconscious message 1605 02:10:50.399 --> 02:10:56.199 they receive is power with everything. Your mission is to save others so that 1606 02:10:56.279 --> 02:11:00.000 your family loves you. Everyone has to be happy. That' s how 1607 02:11:00.000 --> 02:11:05.079 they' ll thank you with love. Children who have a totally unbalanced relationship 1608 02:11:05.239 --> 02:11:09.279 with their parents, for example, parents who victimize themselves, have no skills 1609 02:11:09.359 --> 02:11:16.159 to cope with complicated situations, family triangulations, etc. Consequences learn that they 1610 02:11:16.239 --> 02:11:20.840 must assume the role of adult and end up playing parents and parents of children. 1611 02:11:22.000 --> 02:11:26.560 In these cases there is an inverted attachment relationship to which we technically call 1612 02:11:26.680 --> 02:11:33.680 parenting. The unconscious message they receive cannot be weak. Children who had to 1613 02:11:33.760 --> 02:11:41.199 take care of their younger brothers as if they were their children, learn to 1614 02:11:41.279 --> 02:11:45.399 take responsibility for something that does not come up against them. They carry their 1615 02:11:45.439 --> 02:11:48.239 emotional backpack with concerns that are not age- specific. Instead of spending that 1616 02:11:48.279 --> 02:11:52.479 time on what it really should be like to play and worry about everything that 1617 02:11:52.520 --> 02:11:56.800 doesn' t involve doing the chole' s homework or thinking about whether you 1618 02:11:56.920 --> 02:12:01.840 like yellow or green more. The conscious message they receive is you are not 1619 02:12:01.960 --> 02:12:07.680 important. Some messages are repeated because the damage to the attachment system is similar, 1620 02:12:07.119 --> 02:12:13.319 although the situation of origin is different. All these situations generate a high 1621 02:12:13.439 --> 02:12:16.800 level of stress that is difficult to manage in a healthy way and, in 1622 02:12:16.920 --> 02:12:20.359 the vast majority of cases, the consequences will end up dragging to adulthood. 1623 02:12:22.359 --> 02:12:26.880 I propose an exercise to apply this knowledge. The exercise of the plasticine ball 1624 02:12:26.960 --> 02:12:33.960 takes a ball of plasticine, make it as round as you can work its 1625 02:12:35.079 --> 02:12:39.640 surface to make it very smooth. Now I want you to imagine that you 1626 02:12:39.760 --> 02:12:45.119 are twelve years old and you have to live a particularly difficult situation, like, 1627 02:12:45.279 --> 02:12:48.039 for example, changing schools, leaving your old friends behind and having to 1628 02:12:48.119 --> 02:12:52.760 get used to a place. I don' t do with people you don 1629 02:12:52.760 --> 02:12:56.000 ' t know, but you have to deal with if you want to have 1630 02:12:56.000 --> 02:13:01.800 new friends. Make a mark with your fingernail on the plasticine ball. Wow, 1631 02:13:01.359 --> 02:13:07.119 it' s not so perfect anymore, but if you turn it around, 1632 02:13:07.840 --> 02:13:13.319 you can barely see now imagine you' re living another highly stressful situation, 1633 02:13:13.319 --> 02:13:16.359 like bullying at school. For example, Goa are already two marks on 1634 02:13:16.399 --> 02:13:22.520 the plasticine ball, but nothing happens. Life goes on. Imagine your father 1635 02:13:22.600 --> 02:13:28.439 has been emotionally absent. Most of the time. He works hard because he 1636 02:13:28.560 --> 02:13:31.920 has to bring money home. Your mother is very tired because at night she 1637 02:13:33.079 --> 02:13:35.439 has difficulty falling asleep due to the stress of taking care of your grandmother, 1638 02:13:35.800 --> 02:13:41.439 who has a chronic incapacitating illness for several years now because of the economic instability 1639 02:13:41.479 --> 02:13:46.000 of the country. Your father gets fired because of an ere in his company, 1640 02:13:46.199 --> 02:13:52.119 he' s wrecked. Neither one of you has time for you so 1641 02:13:52.159 --> 02:13:56.000 you live the bullying in silence, hoping your parents won' t find out, 1642 02:13:56.079 --> 02:13:58.199 because that could cause them one more problem. If you don' t 1643 02:13:58.279 --> 02:14:03.600 want them to feel sadder, it' s even better not to be a 1644 02:14:03.680 --> 02:14:07.600 hindrance, so you focus on your studies and try to get very good grades 1645 02:14:07.680 --> 02:14:13.520 so that they get happy and feel proud of you mark with a nail the 1646 02:14:13.680 --> 02:14:16.880 ball of plasticine three times more by your father' s emotional absence, by 1647 02:14:16.960 --> 02:14:22.840 your mother' s emotional absence and by living the school harassment in silence in 1648 02:14:22.920 --> 02:14:26.960 the first grade in your new institute, you get an outstanding in all subjects. 1649 02:14:28.119 --> 02:14:33.720 You show your parents the notes and they get very happy. Congratulations on 1650 02:14:33.760 --> 02:14:37.279 the lack of an adult to help you create security regarding IT and the environment. 1651 02:14:37.039 --> 02:14:41.279 You found a shelter in your studies. This isn' t going to 1652 02:14:41.319 --> 02:14:48.000 help you be happy, but at least you feel valid. How cool to 1653 02:14:48.079 --> 02:14:52.119 make another mark with your fingernail on the plasticine ball. Sometimes your parents argue 1654 02:14:52.199 --> 02:14:56.159 out loud at home and listen to them, but you have noticed that if 1655 02:14:56.239 --> 02:15:00.479 you interrupt and call their attention somehow. S s s are the one that 1656 02:15:00.600 --> 02:15:05.920 gets into you and stop arguing great you just discovered that if you take responsibility 1657 02:15:07.000 --> 02:15:11.159 for your parents' emotions, everything goes well and for that nothing better than 1658 02:15:11.239 --> 02:15:16.239 constantly being aware of them, their gestures, their tone of voice, especially 1659 02:15:16.720 --> 02:15:22.560 what they say. You need to know if it' s time to intervene 1660 02:15:22.600 --> 02:15:26.199 or not to stay alert. It' s a great tool that you' 1661 02:15:26.199 --> 02:15:28.880 ll always set in motion. From now on, make another mark on the 1662 02:15:28.920 --> 02:15:37.479 plasticine. Your grandmother dies, make another mark. That' s how the 1663 02:15:37.479 --> 02:15:41.560 years pass. Your father. Finally find a job, although it is much 1664 02:15:41.640 --> 02:15:46.800 more precarious than the previous one. The economic crisis is wreaking havoc, but 1665 02:15:46.880 --> 02:15:50.399 it seems that better times or at least not so bad ones are coming. 1666 02:15:50.880 --> 02:15:56.079 Your demanding student routine. He has added a strict diet and a lot of 1667 02:15:56.079 --> 02:16:00.159 sport. You are very responsible and a person worthy to admire. S or 1668 02:16:00.319 --> 02:16:05.760 so the others say, because you feel quite mediocre. Weaknesses, a few 1669 02:16:05.840 --> 02:16:09.119 kilitos, and you earn some muscle. People applaud you and the likes in 1670 02:16:09.199 --> 02:16:13.439 your ens that cram increase. So far you' ve never had friends because 1671 02:16:13.560 --> 02:16:18.520 everyone was messing with you in high school, but in college it seems like 1672 02:16:18.640 --> 02:16:22.159 everything' s going to change, because you get very positive reviews from the 1673 02:16:22.159 --> 02:16:24.079 people around you. It looks like you' re finally starting to fit in. 1674 02:16:26.880 --> 02:16:30.439 You' ve found another refuge from your discomfort. The acceptance of others 1675 02:16:30.520 --> 02:16:37.399 you need to feel good. Okay, but what' s the difference? 1676 02:16:37.799 --> 02:16:43.639 Make another mark on the plasticine. It looks like you' ve met someone 1677 02:16:43.760 --> 02:16:48.920 you like how well you can finally be happy. That' s not really 1678 02:16:50.040 --> 02:16:54.799 what happens in the movies. Ah no your partner leaves you because he says 1679 02:16:54.879 --> 02:17:00.159 you' ve burdened her a lot with your interrogations. You don' t 1680 02:17:00.239 --> 02:17:03.680 understand what happened. If you just wanted to know if I was really gonna 1681 02:17:03.680 --> 02:17:07.840 be with you. You were forever afraid that I would disappear or abandon you, 1682 02:17:07.159 --> 02:17:13.079 as your parents did exactly. Make another mark on the plasticine ball, 1683 02:17:13.680 --> 02:17:20.120 you find work. It' s nothing of the other world, but it 1684 02:17:20.319 --> 02:17:26.840 allows you to earn a salary congratulations uff The breakup has been horrible. He 1685 02:17:26.000 --> 02:17:31.079 needs to raise your morale. You hang a sexy photo on social media. 1686 02:17:31.280 --> 02:17:37.520 Five hundred liikes, what a triumph. You' ve met someone else who 1687 02:17:37.600 --> 02:17:43.559 fills you. This is really gonna be the ultimate, but you don' 1688 02:17:43.680 --> 02:17:46.680 t know why you feel like shit? You don' t understand. If 1689 02:17:46.840 --> 02:17:50.680 everything goes well, the studies, the work, the friends, the couple 1690 02:17:50.760 --> 02:17:56.399 above you are more fit than ever, why you feel without wanting anything, 1691 02:17:56.639 --> 02:18:01.120 you don' t feel like seeing anyone healthy gan overwhelms you no longer enjoy 1692 02:18:01.200 --> 02:18:03.959 the things that previously motivated you and made you feel good, Sometimes you feel 1693 02:18:05.040 --> 02:18:09.959 sad and so you also feel some pressure on the chest, but good must 1694 02:18:09.239 --> 02:18:16.280 be normal, because you have felt it since you were little. Triangulation. 1695 02:18:18.479 --> 02:18:20.920 Triangulation is a form of emotional abuse in which a third person is used to 1696 02:18:22.040 --> 02:18:28.680 manipulate someone. Triangulation in the family. Nacho is a 17- year- 1697 02:18:30.159 --> 02:18:33.000 old boy and one day his mother tells him she has a problem with her 1698 02:18:33.000 --> 02:18:37.760 father However, time goes by, the problem is not solved and her mother 1699 02:18:37.879 --> 02:18:41.639 keeps telling her son how badly she treats her father. In the triangle, 1700 02:18:43.079 --> 02:18:46.159 the mother is using Nacho to somehow confront the father without speaking directly to him. 1701 02:18:50.079 --> 02:18:52.040 The problem with this dynamic occurring in the family is that the mother places 1702 02:18:52.120 --> 02:18:58.239 the child in a situation that does not belong to her. The mother is 1703 02:18:58.360 --> 02:19:01.399 placing in Nacho a responsibility that neither does nor does come to her, and 1704 02:19:01.479 --> 02:19:05.840 without realizing it, she is giving her a power within the family system that 1705 02:19:07.000 --> 02:19:09.000 may be too great for her. The power it gives him would fall to 1706 02:19:09.120 --> 02:19:13.079 the father as a couple of the mother he is, and not the son. 1707 02:19:13.559 --> 02:19:18.559 This role change, which may seem harmless, is capable of altering Nacho 1708 02:19:18.639 --> 02:19:20.639 ' s type of attachment. Suddenly, the son is burdened with the father 1709 02:19:20.719 --> 02:19:26.680 ' s responsibility. The logical thing would be for the mother to talk to 1710 02:19:26.760 --> 02:19:31.159 the father and manage among them without having to put her son in. Another 1711 02:19:31.280 --> 02:19:35.079 day, Nacho and his grandmother agreed not to tell their mother anything about a 1712 02:19:35.159 --> 02:19:39.479 family secret. Grandma says we' re not going to tell your mother, 1713 02:19:39.799 --> 02:19:43.760 that if she finds out celia, then Nacho is above her mother in the 1714 02:19:43.879 --> 02:19:50.520 family system. The problem here is that that is not the logical order, 1715 02:19:50.879 --> 02:19:54.200 but that the mother must be above the child and the child dedicate themselves to 1716 02:19:54.239 --> 02:19:58.440 his or her things without having to assume burdens that do not correspond to his 1717 02:19:58.479 --> 02:20:01.639 or her role This may also be to send the type of attachment. Nacho 1718 02:20:01.760 --> 02:20:05.079 ' s parents finally split up and the father tells his son that his mother 1719 02:20:05.200 --> 02:20:09.959 goes on vacation with her new boyfriend without you nacho, because surely your mother 1720 02:20:09.319 --> 02:20:15.600 doesn' t love you as much as I do your father. This case 1721 02:20:15.639 --> 02:20:20.559 of triangulation is repeated in many families with separated parents. Trying to put the 1722 02:20:20.639 --> 02:20:24.879 child against the other parent is again to give the child an emotional burden that 1723 02:20:24.920 --> 02:20:33.360 does not touch triangulation in the couple. Couple triangulation also exists, especially in 1724 02:20:33.719 --> 02:20:39.559 couples with toxic ties or abusive relationships. Isabel is a 23- year- 1725 02:20:41.319 --> 02:20:45.319 old girl and has a couple relationship with Alfonso. She sees that he shows 1726 02:20:45.399 --> 02:20:48.639 up very affectionately with another girl at the disco and asks her about the situation. 1727 02:20:50.680 --> 02:20:54.000 Alfonso quickly comments that it is the other girl who has approached him and 1728 02:20:54.000 --> 02:20:58.520 that he harasses him because she is obsessed with him, making him see that 1729 02:20:58.639 --> 02:21:03.200 the other girl is the bad girl. Alfonso manages to attract Elizabeth more to 1730 02:21:03.360 --> 02:21:09.079 him together against the world. On the other hand, by yielding to manipulation, 1731 02:21:09.399 --> 02:21:11.159 she is more trapped in the relationship that is already seen from afar, 1732 02:21:11.200 --> 02:21:15.440 which is not very healthy and if these kinds of situations are repeated, she 1733 02:21:15.520 --> 02:21:20.920 can often come to think that everyone is bad except Alfonso. This continuous manipulation 1734 02:21:22.000 --> 02:21:24.639 by the couple can also cause a change in the type of attachment triangulation in 1735 02:21:26.959 --> 02:21:33.200 friendship. Imagine that Clara, Nuria and Almudena are friends one day, the 1736 02:21:33.319 --> 02:21:37.120 last two become angry and Noria starts to speak ill of Almudena to Clara so 1737 02:21:37.200 --> 02:21:43.680 that she joins her and distance herself from Almudena. This type of manipulation can 1738 02:21:43.760 --> 02:21:48.360 also cause a change in the type of almudena attachment is the triangulation that is 1739 02:21:48.440 --> 02:21:52.559 usually given in bullying. As you can see, in all cases, the 1740 02:21:52.639 --> 02:21:56.600 third person is only a figure alien to the objective of the person who manipulates, 1741 02:21:56.760 --> 02:22:00.479 but his or her existence allows him or her to feel that he or 1742 02:22:00.479 --> 02:22:05.479 she controls the situation. How can we differentiate a triangulation manipulation from a vent. 1743 02:22:05.920 --> 02:22:09.799 It' ll be manipulation when whoever' s telling you something about a 1744 02:22:09.959 --> 02:22:13.879 problem with a third party doesn' t do anything to solve it and just 1745 02:22:15.120 --> 02:22:16.799 dedicates himself to telling you how bad a person he is. It will also 1746 02:22:16.840 --> 02:22:20.840 be manipulation when you feel that the person is using a third party to make 1747 02:22:20.959 --> 02:22:26.600 you feel guilty about something. Fear and stress. I need to talk to 1748 02:22:26.719 --> 02:22:31.600 you about fear and stress, because they are and will be the ultimate protagonists 1749 02:22:31.680 --> 02:22:35.959 of many of your cognitive, emotional and behavioral physiological responses. Fear is the 1750 02:22:37.040 --> 02:22:41.319 emotional response to stress, which is the physiological response that triggers the body when 1751 02:22:41.399 --> 02:22:48.920 we process a dangerous stimulus, real or imagined. That physiological response corresponds to 1752 02:22:48.959 --> 02:22:54.319 the activation of our sympathetic branch, the nervous system. So, when we 1753 02:22:54.440 --> 02:22:58.280 ' re calm, our nervous system activates the branch' s responses for nice 1754 02:22:58.319 --> 02:23:03.840 and when we' re comfortable with the sympathetic ones. In principle, both 1755 02:23:03.879 --> 02:23:11.719 responses are adaptive and functional. Example, of a lion. Imagine that you 1756 02:23:11.799 --> 02:23:16.280 are calmly in your home, studying, reviewing, e- mails, preparing 1757 02:23:16.600 --> 02:23:22.239 the food, that I know you are in your sauce, your breathing is 1758 02:23:22.319 --> 02:23:26.920 calm and your heart beats normally. Suddenly a lion comes into the room looking 1759 02:23:26.040 --> 02:23:31.040 like he' s really hungry. Let' s look at two different answers 1760 02:23:31.360 --> 02:23:39.079 to this situation, functional and functional dysfunctional. At that moment you open your 1761 02:23:39.200 --> 02:23:41.959 eyes well. Your pupils are dilated to better observe the threat and ignore everything 1762 02:23:43.079 --> 02:23:46.559 irrelevant in the eye field and you realize the danger your life is in, 1763 02:23:46.799 --> 02:23:52.440 you get to say, you get in a state of hyperactivation and your body 1764 02:23:52.559 --> 02:23:58.440 prepares for two types of response, the struggle or the escape. Appreciating the 1765 02:23:58.520 --> 02:24:01.600 situation quickly, your instinct helps you understand that fighting is not a viable response, 1766 02:24:03.239 --> 02:24:07.079 so you decide to run away. Your pulse is accelerating, your breathing 1767 02:24:07.200 --> 02:24:13.120 is shaking, your body is activating the sympathetic system and it' s getting 1768 02:24:13.079 --> 02:24:16.959 ready to run as if there isn' t a morning you shoot out and 1769 02:24:16.959 --> 02:24:22.120 you manage to get safe. Since you see that the friendly system is activated 1770 02:24:22.239 --> 02:24:24.280 in the face of dangerous situations is not a problem. On the contrary, 1771 02:24:24.799 --> 02:24:31.639 we find it very useful dysfunctional at that time. Instead of activating the sympathetic 1772 02:24:31.719 --> 02:24:39.760 system, keep your parasympathetic system active and quietly recite Chinese proverbs. The one 1773 02:24:39.840 --> 02:24:43.399 who says the most is not smarter, but the one who shuts the most. 1774 02:24:43.399 --> 02:24:48.120 Your will must be more powerful than your desires. The worst enemy is 1775 02:24:48.239 --> 02:24:52.120 the one who doesn' t go straight. It' s okay. If 1776 02:24:52.239 --> 02:24:56.600 you go slowly but don' t stop yourself, it seems that Leon doesn 1777 02:24:56.680 --> 02:25:01.079 ' t like your proverbs because he has pounced his prayer on you and ate 1778 02:25:01.079 --> 02:25:03.559 you. Why, if fear and stress are so good, we suffer so 1779 02:25:03.639 --> 02:25:09.559 much when we feel it in principle. This suffering is the way the brain 1780 02:25:09.680 --> 02:25:15.920 has to tell us to move and act. The problem comes when these States 1781 02:25:15.959 --> 02:25:20.239 generalize situations that do not pose a real danger, given that irrational fear is 1782 02:25:20.360 --> 02:25:24.799 generated. We' ll talk about this later, or when that fear is 1783 02:25:24.879 --> 02:25:28.360 so but so intense that it becomes something much worse, in panic. In 1784 02:25:28.440 --> 02:25:33.399 this chapter we will focus on this emotion, not emotion. In the example 1785 02:25:33.520 --> 02:25:37.040 we have seen that the best option to face a danger is that your brain 1786 02:25:37.159 --> 02:25:41.879 automatically activates, the sympathetic system and with it your instinct chooses the answers of 1787 02:25:41.959 --> 02:25:48.639 struggle or flight. Right Well, there' s a third answer. Blocking 1788 02:25:48.719 --> 02:25:52.799 or osok something that has a lot to do with trauma and emotional wounds dissociation. 1789 02:25:56.200 --> 02:26:01.639 What if before Leon you were so afraid, you couldn' t react 1790 02:26:01.760 --> 02:26:05.280 and you could only tremble and pee on yourself. In that case, dear 1791 02:26:05.399 --> 02:26:11.280 reader, we would be talking about panic. Fear moves us and panic blocks 1792 02:26:11.360 --> 02:26:16.680 us. Let' s imagine that, despite the paralysis, he survives Leon 1793 02:26:16.719 --> 02:26:22.760 ' s attack. What happened to your brain in the face of such danger? 1794 02:26:22.159 --> 02:26:26.639 Your mind has generated a state of overactivation at a very high level, 1795 02:26:26.200 --> 02:26:30.840 so much so that it has not been able to withstand and appetize until later. 1796 02:26:31.280 --> 02:26:35.159 Mari Carmen your Brain, who no longer wants to know anything about the 1797 02:26:35.239 --> 02:26:41.319 matter in which you are involved, has disconnected and has turned off the control 1798 02:26:41.399 --> 02:26:46.280 tower eyes that do not see heart, that do not feel and dissociation that 1799 02:26:46.799 --> 02:26:50.760 you take like this is you just dissociated. I' m going to dramatize 1800 02:26:50.840 --> 02:26:54.840 the steps your mind has taken so you know exactly what happened. Your brain, 1801 02:26:56.319 --> 02:27:01.200 lol go lion. This is dangerous. I' m not going to 1802 02:27:01.319 --> 02:27:07.440 activate the friendly system. You' ve got a lot of eggplant we' 1803 02:27:07.440 --> 02:27:11.399 ve gotten ourselves into. Bro Brain, I have a bit of a must. 1804 02:27:13.440 --> 02:27:18.200 You' re okay, you, shut up, I think it gives 1805 02:27:18.200 --> 02:27:24.319 me something. This is very dangerous. Holy shit and so much, in 1806 02:27:24.719 --> 02:27:30.399 fact I think we' re going to die You, so give me a 1807 02:27:30.399 --> 02:27:33.600 fucking hand. Brain, I' m trying, but I don' t 1808 02:27:33.600 --> 02:27:37.719 know what else to do. You, I don' t know what to 1809 02:27:37.040 --> 02:27:43.520 do, but do it now. Brain, ha ha ha doesn' t 1810 02:27:43.600 --> 02:27:50.239 work what I' m doing. Save me who can as long as he 1811 02:27:50.239 --> 02:27:56.959 walks away. You, I think I pissed myself. Brain, you, 1812 02:27:56.440 --> 02:28:03.719 cele brain. Brain. You' re there now for real. Your brain 1813 02:28:03.799 --> 02:28:07.600 has processed a danger for which it has activated the four behavioral, emotional, 1814 02:28:09.159 --> 02:28:13.680 physiological and cognitive response systems, and has generated so much, but so much 1815 02:28:13.760 --> 02:28:18.440 fear that it has transformed into panic and the mind has not been able to 1816 02:28:18.440 --> 02:28:22.319 withstand it. Why I say panic is an emotion, not emotion, because 1817 02:28:22.319 --> 02:28:28.559 all emotions are useful and functional. Except for this one. Panic is nothing, 1818 02:28:28.840 --> 02:28:33.639 emptiness. It' s the non- emotional emotion that triggers. One 1819 02:28:33.680 --> 02:28:37.799 of the most powerful defense mechanisms in our body to survive highly stressful situations. 1820 02:28:39.520 --> 02:28:48.079 Dissociation. Traumas disfigure the brain. When we talk about dissociation, in this 1821 02:28:48.079 --> 02:28:52.600 context, we talk about a brain that hides and closes the chiringuito. But 1822 02:28:52.639 --> 02:28:58.440 where it goes, then, to organize its content in two parts, the 1823 02:28:58.520 --> 02:29:01.879 seemingly functional part of the nuno, recognized by its acronym PAN, and the 1824 02:29:03.000 --> 02:29:07.879 emotional part with the acronym P. We can also call them dissociated or conscious 1825 02:29:07.920 --> 02:29:11.920 parts PAN and unconscious P. The case is that, from the moment a 1826 02:29:11.000 --> 02:29:15.559 dissociation occurs, the person will have his PAN and his P parts that make 1827 02:29:15.680 --> 02:29:26.120 up what psychologists call primary structural dissociation. PAN is visible to others. It 1828 02:29:26.200 --> 02:29:30.159 ' s the part of your personality that works, studies, stays with friends, 1829 02:29:30.799 --> 02:29:35.920 partying, etc. In short, the one with which you are in 1830 02:29:35.120 --> 02:29:41.760 contact every day forms the traits with which you would define others. For example, 1831 02:29:43.239 --> 02:29:50.360 I am a cheerful extroverted, hardworking and sociable person. P is the 1832 02:29:50.479 --> 02:29:56.399 part where you keep emotional wounds. It is not visible to others, but 1833 02:29:56.479 --> 02:30:01.479 it is what the person who possesses the emotional wounds feels. It' s 1834 02:30:01.600 --> 02:30:05.959 the part of your personality that suffers and cries, that remembers painful things. 1835 02:30:05.440 --> 02:30:11.120 She misses family, friends, or couples. It' s what you carry 1836 02:30:11.200 --> 02:30:15.879 inside and you don' t usually show others unless you have a lot of 1837 02:30:15.879 --> 02:30:20.319 confidence with them. Imagine you' re cooking in your house and you' 1838 02:30:20.440 --> 02:30:24.200 ve got the ceramic hob, the smoke extractor, the oven and the microwave 1839 02:30:24.200 --> 02:30:28.959 on. At the same time you' re preparing a lot of dishes At 1840 02:30:30.399 --> 02:30:35.840 the same time you' re all very hot, so you turn on the 1841 02:30:35.959 --> 02:30:39.440 air conditioning and by the way put a washing machine and a dryer. Your 1842 02:30:39.520 --> 02:30:43.040 electrical installation can' t last that long, so before the pete system and 1843 02:30:43.159 --> 02:30:48.000 your house burn down, skip the automatic so there' s no disaster. 1844 02:30:50.399 --> 02:30:54.000 You look for the picture of lights in the middle of the darkness so you 1845 02:30:54.000 --> 02:30:58.360 can activate it again. When you manage to slide the tab that restores it. 1846 02:30:58.799 --> 02:31:01.840 You realize that magically, your house is neat and clean, well, 1847 02:31:03.520 --> 02:31:09.159 more or less. The pan is placed in the fridge, the microwave is 1848 02:31:09.239 --> 02:31:11.680 open, the oven has the door broken, the washing machine has thrown, 1849 02:31:11.879 --> 02:31:16.719 the water out and the clothes have come out dirty. What happened here. 1850 02:31:18.120 --> 02:31:22.799 If your home were your mind and the automatic defense mechanism, we could say 1851 02:31:22.840 --> 02:31:26.879 that your Brain has been organizing the catastrophic content as well as it could. 1852 02:31:28.719 --> 02:31:33.879 Those things that are so out of place in places that they don' t 1853 02:31:33.879 --> 02:31:37.799 touch will be emotional wounds. The treatment of all of them will consist in 1854 02:31:37.920 --> 02:31:41.520 organizing the house, fixing the relevant appliances and placing the utensils in place. 1855 02:31:43.840 --> 02:31:48.399 Let us recapitulate the order of things with a clarifying image. In the lion 1856 02:31:48.479 --> 02:31:52.879 ' s example I have described a rather traumatic situation, but I have reduced 1857 02:31:52.920 --> 02:31:56.760 a little bit to absurdity to make it an emotionally neutral example for everyone. 1858 02:31:56.879 --> 02:32:01.680 And so you can understand in a very eight easier way. It is quite 1859 02:32:01.719 --> 02:32:05.280 unworkable and unlikely for a lion to appear in your home unless he lives near 1860 02:32:05.319 --> 02:32:09.159 the jungle or a sun, but remember the situations he described earlier as very 1861 02:32:09.280 --> 02:32:13.879 stressful for a child. Those are the typical ones that trigger an emotional wound. 1862 02:32:15.000 --> 02:32:20.280 Powerful enough to condition an entire life. For example, an adult can 1863 02:32:20.360 --> 02:32:24.600 think of something as if my parents pass on to me, for nothing. 1864 02:32:24.000 --> 02:32:28.319 I make my life and do not process the situation as a trauma, either 1865 02:32:28.399 --> 02:32:33.040 depending on the coping tools I possess. But it' s very likely that 1866 02:32:33.159 --> 02:32:37.680 a child will perceive it as my parents are going to pass on to me, 1867 02:32:37.680 --> 02:32:41.879 what I do. If they are my reference in this world, I 1868 02:32:41.000 --> 02:32:43.360 without them do not know what to do, because I am a dependent being. 1869 02:32:45.399 --> 02:32:48.000 I' m so scared. I don' t understand what' s 1870 02:32:48.000 --> 02:32:52.000 going on. Thus, it is not necessary to go through a life or 1871 02:32:52.159 --> 02:32:54.840 death situation in order to have an emotional trauma or injury. It is enough 1872 02:32:54.879 --> 02:33:00.879 to experience any situation with great fear or loneliness. And this is any age. 1873 02:33:03.120 --> 02:33:07.399 In the most serious cases, dissociated parts may also be re- dissociated. 1874 02:33:07.399 --> 02:33:13.040 For example, in so- called secondary structural dissociation, P can in 1875 02:33:13.120 --> 02:33:18.120 turn dissociate itself. This occurs in early, prolonged or repeated traumas over time, 1876 02:33:18.440 --> 02:33:24.000 such as those that cause complex trauma, and in the most extreme cases, 1877 02:33:24.520 --> 02:33:28.120 not only does the P divide into several parts, but also does the 1878 02:33:28.239 --> 02:33:33.040 NAP, establishing what we call tertiary structural dissociation and resulting in the dissociative disorder 1879 02:33:33.120 --> 02:33:41.799 commonly called multiple personality disorder. To answer this question, Anzigo' s doctor 1880 02:33:41.840 --> 02:33:48.000 created a very interesting concept, the stress tolerance window. According to this theory, 1881 02:33:48.360 --> 02:33:52.200 the tolerance window is a small margin in which the tools and skills we 1882 02:33:52.280 --> 02:33:58.360 possess are sufficient to address a stressful situation and manage our resulting emotions which are 1883 02:33:58.440 --> 02:34:03.879 what they are. We all have our own, because we can all endure 1884 02:34:03.959 --> 02:34:07.719 a certain amount of stress. For example, most people can endure the stress 1885 02:34:07.799 --> 02:34:11.280 of a change in last- minute plans, go out of time to catch 1886 02:34:11.360 --> 02:34:18.559 the bus, or take an oral exam. I can easily handle my emotions 1887 02:34:18.639 --> 02:34:22.239 when I' m in front of thousands of people, because it' s 1888 02:34:22.280 --> 02:34:24.520 something I' ve trained many times. Over time I have increased my tools 1889 02:34:24.600 --> 02:34:28.879 and confidence in myself and, therefore, widening my window of tolerance. But 1890 02:34:28.959 --> 02:34:33.319 the first time I got on a stage, I was shaking to the DN, 1891 02:34:33.799 --> 02:34:37.680 which means that my tolerance window was stuck in front of that situation. 1892 02:34:39.639 --> 02:34:43.799 When the stress tolerance window becomes small, when we cross its thresholds and face 1893 02:34:43.879 --> 02:34:48.319 an emotional kidnapping, that is, when emotions take over our being, our 1894 02:34:48.360 --> 02:34:54.120 logical part disconnects and we do not have enough tools to address a stressful situation, 1895 02:34:54.399 --> 02:35:01.559 such as being a victim of infidelity. The tolerance window can be worked, 1896 02:35:01.079 --> 02:35:05.760 but there are things that we will never be prepared for. For example, 1897 02:35:07.200 --> 02:35:09.280 no one is prepared for the death of a loved one. True, 1898 02:35:11.719 --> 02:35:15.639 the fact that my first experience as a couple was a toxic relationship overcame my 1899 02:35:15.719 --> 02:35:20.200 stress tolerance window. I have always been a person who has handled stress very 1900 02:35:20.319 --> 02:35:24.600 well, but the uncertainty that that relationship implied me exhausted all my resources. 1901 02:35:26.280 --> 02:35:31.079 Maybe someone else wouldn' t have done so much emotional damage. But, 1902 02:35:31.440 --> 02:35:35.680 as I say, everyone has their tools, their history and their window of 1903 02:35:35.799 --> 02:35:39.479 tolerance. That' s why neither I nor anyone can define that it' 1904 02:35:39.639 --> 02:35:45.200 s for you something highly stressful you' re going to fipar. But there 1905 02:35:45.239 --> 02:35:48.399 is evidence of people who have stayed inside their stress tolerance window, being in 1906 02:35:48.399 --> 02:35:56.680 hallucinating Nazi concentration camps. For a child, the tolerance window is always smaller 1907 02:35:56.760 --> 02:36:01.360 than for an adult, and for a person with secure attachment, it will 1908 02:36:01.479 --> 02:36:07.319 always be greater than for someone with an unsafe attachment. Even so, this 1909 02:36:07.440 --> 02:36:11.879 ce window may be shrinking or widening, depending on our environment. If we 1910 02:36:11.959 --> 02:36:16.000 surround ourselves with people who do not provide us with security, the window will 1911 02:36:16.079 --> 02:36:20.639 become smaller and smaller. And if we surround ourselves with people who bring us 1912 02:36:20.639 --> 02:36:24.200 peace of mind, the window will grow bigger and bigger. A large tolerance 1913 02:36:24.319 --> 02:36:30.799 window is like a well- knocked mattress that protects us from pain. In 1914 02:36:30.920 --> 02:36:35.239 this book, as you have already seen, there are many examples of stressful 1915 02:36:35.319 --> 02:36:37.760 situations with which you can feel identified or not. But part of the self 1916 02:36:39.719 --> 02:36:43.559 - knowledge work I' d like you to do is precisely this to identify 1917 02:36:43.920 --> 02:36:48.280 what were the situations that caused you high stress throughout your life. If there 1918 02:36:48.319 --> 02:36:54.360 were situations that you lived as highly stressful, then they were. We have 1919 02:36:54.479 --> 02:37:00.200 three brains. Yeah, yeah, as you read n n n three, 1920 02:37:01.600 --> 02:37:05.959 well, three in one according to Paul mcne' s theory, emotional and 1921 02:37:05.959 --> 02:37:11.000 rational reptilian. I know these names are a little weird and it looks like 1922 02:37:11.079 --> 02:37:15.159 he' s talking about aliens on the Max Channel, but Makan decided that 1923 02:37:15.239 --> 02:37:18.719 these were going to be the names with which he would baptize every part of 1924 02:37:18.799 --> 02:37:22.079 the brain that we all possess according to their function. The truth is that 1925 02:37:22.200 --> 02:37:28.319 these brain divisions help to better understand the differences between the conscious and the unconscious. 1926 02:37:28.840 --> 02:37:33.399 The three parts are connected to each other, but each is responsible for 1927 02:37:33.520 --> 02:37:39.920 a different objective and for processing reality in a different way. Reptilian is the 1928 02:37:41.000 --> 02:37:46.040 most instinctive and primitive part of our brain and is responsible for regulating aspects related 1929 02:37:46.159 --> 02:37:50.360 to survival, such as breathing, temperature, digestion, and attachment reflexes in 1930 02:37:50.479 --> 02:37:58.600 terms of survival, it does not have a very intermediate. It reacts with 1931 02:37:58.639 --> 02:38:01.719 we' re going to die. It' s all or not. Reason 1932 02:38:03.120 --> 02:38:07.680 that takes care of another part of the brain appears when we' re still 1933 02:38:07.760 --> 02:38:16.520 in our mother' s belly. Brain stem anatomy, unconscious part. Emotional 1934 02:38:18.040 --> 02:38:22.719 is the part of our brain that allows us to feel emotions like disgust, 1935 02:38:22.120 --> 02:38:30.000 fear, anger, sadness, surprise or happiness. It appears between the last 1936 02:38:30.040 --> 02:38:35.639 months of pregnancy and the first two years of life. Limbic system anatomy. 1937 02:38:37.120 --> 02:38:41.000 The most important thing about the emotional brain is its control tower. The tonsil, 1938 02:38:41.399 --> 02:38:46.000 closely related to fear and attachment. It has several functions, but the 1939 02:38:46.040 --> 02:38:50.959 main one is to activate the sympathetic system and pass the information on to his 1940 02:38:50.040 --> 02:38:54.360 colleague, the hippocampus about dangerous situations, in order, between the two, 1941 02:38:54.520 --> 02:38:58.360 to remember everything that has been a risk in the past and thus to be 1942 02:38:58.399 --> 02:39:05.520 able to face together the possible threats of the future. Rational unconscious part is 1943 02:39:05.559 --> 02:39:11.520 the most evolved part of our brain. He takes care of tasks such as 1944 02:39:11.520 --> 02:39:16.479 speech, thought, understanding, reading, reflection, logic. He' s 1945 02:39:16.559 --> 02:39:22.360 kind of like the father of the previous brains. It appears about two or 1946 02:39:22.479 --> 02:39:26.399 three years of life and does not form completely until after adolescence anatomy Neocortex conscious 1947 02:39:26.879 --> 02:39:37.559 part. There' s a couple more facts that are interesting. The brain 1948 02:39:37.639 --> 02:39:41.239 is developing throughout our entire life, from being a fetus to adulthood and going 1949 02:39:41.319 --> 02:39:46.879 through the same stages that our evolution has been going through. As a species, 1950 02:39:48.200 --> 02:39:52.040 the reptilian brain develops first, then the emotional and, finally, the 1951 02:39:52.440 --> 02:39:56.600 rational brain. That the rational brain does not begin to develop until the age 1952 02:39:56.600 --> 02:40:01.639 of two, means that all the learning that we get those first months of 1953 02:40:01.719 --> 02:40:07.159 life is purely emotional, that is, unconscious and a couple of notes regarding 1954 02:40:07.239 --> 02:40:13.520 the theory that deserve to be mentioned to avoid confusion, the brain is composed 1955 02:40:13.639 --> 02:40:16.920 of a multitude of organs, each with a different function, but related to 1956 02:40:16.920 --> 02:40:22.280 each other. This theory is used to talk about the different functions of the 1957 02:40:22.399 --> 02:40:26.719 brain in a simple way. It does not mean that each function is perfectly 1958 02:40:26.799 --> 02:40:31.000 delimited to any of the three areas, but there are parts of the brain 1959 02:40:31.079 --> 02:40:35.239 that deal with specific functions that coincide with the activation of the areas mentioned. 1960 02:40:35.399 --> 02:40:41.600 Obviously, people only have one brain, the human brain. Speaking of reptilian 1961 02:40:41.680 --> 02:40:46.879 brain doesn' t mean we have a reptilian brain as I say, it 1962 02:40:46.959 --> 02:40:50.319 ' s just part of the nomenclature that' s used to better understand theory. 1963 02:40:52.799 --> 02:40:56.399 Now let' s see how these parts of the brain relate to each 1964 02:40:56.399 --> 02:41:01.079 other. You' ll see the party they' re having. The emotional 1965 02:41:01.159 --> 02:41:05.639 brain is the one that almost always led her. The tonsil has a very 1966 02:41:05.760 --> 02:41:09.879 strong temperament and usually reacts impulsively to things. However, the hippocampus is quieter 1967 02:41:11.000 --> 02:41:15.440 and likes to have gone too far. One of its functions is to activate 1968 02:41:15.520 --> 02:41:20.319 the parasympathetic system. When the tonsil perceives it in danger, it becomes defensive 1969 02:41:20.360 --> 02:41:24.879 by activating the sympathetic system. But the hippocampus, which knows it well, 1970 02:41:24.200 --> 02:41:30.959 intervenes by activating the parasympathetic system and regulates it by telling and guiding you are 1971 02:41:30.959 --> 02:41:35.639 passing. Don' t get so nervous that I remember perfectly that this isn 1972 02:41:35.760 --> 02:41:39.319 ' t as dangerous as you think. Then the tonsil calms down and doesn 1973 02:41:39.399 --> 02:41:45.440 ' t overactivate. However, when the hippocampus does not intervene in that reaction, 1974 02:41:45.840 --> 02:41:50.239 the amygdala comes very high and over- active the sympathetic system and, 1975 02:41:50.440 --> 02:41:56.959 as we saw in the previous chapter, trauma occurs. The friend reacts with 1976 02:41:56.079 --> 02:42:00.920 ease, although it can be said that in some people more than in others, 1977 02:42:01.959 --> 02:42:05.600 but in any case, each time it is activated it reduces more the 1978 02:42:05.719 --> 02:42:09.959 stress tolerance window of the person in question. This, in turn, makes 1979 02:42:09.360 --> 02:42:15.040 the migda gain more sensitivity and reactions more exaggerated to situations that would not have 1980 02:42:15.159 --> 02:42:20.440 to activate it. When the amygdala is continuously activated, these are the consequences. 1981 02:42:24.000 --> 02:42:31.479 Difficulty in controlling impulses, inability to delay gratification, difficulties in making decisions, 1982 02:42:33.200 --> 02:42:41.639 emotional overflow in adverse situations, lack of concentration, difficulties in thinking clearly, 1983 02:42:43.200 --> 02:42:48.719 lack of empathy or capacity for social interaction, problems in becoming assertive. 1984 02:42:52.159 --> 02:42:54.479 Therefore, an active tonsil is the reason why you cannot ask an angry person 1985 02:42:54.520 --> 02:43:00.000 to calm down and reason for a certain situation. So sn N s NS 1986 02:43:00.079 --> 02:43:03.399 same in his anger with his friend the atope and will not attend to reasons 1987 02:43:03.520 --> 02:43:07.399 nor be able to empathize. Until she calms down how she will be able 1988 02:43:07.520 --> 02:43:13.120 to empathize a person with the pain of others, when she also feels pain, 1989 02:43:13.520 --> 02:43:16.479 when she stops feeling pain, she will be able to empathize. That 1990 02:43:16.600 --> 02:43:22.000 is why it is sometimes necessary to leave important conversations for another time. The 1991 02:43:22.079 --> 02:43:26.280 rational brain or the father of the other two, only intervenes in the movements 1992 02:43:26.360 --> 02:43:28.920 of the tonsil and hippocampus when it has not allied it to the maximum. 1993 02:43:30.879 --> 02:43:33.479 When the hippocampus does not intervene and the tonsil has come up, it starts 1994 02:43:33.600 --> 02:43:39.760 to scream and the rational brain cannot think clearly. Come on, when the 1995 02:43:39.840 --> 02:43:43.639 amygdala is activated to the fullest, we suffer the emotional kidnapping that I was 1996 02:43:43.719 --> 02:43:48.239 talking about in the previous chapter and our rational brain goes out. The reptilian 1997 02:43:48.319 --> 02:43:52.879 brain. He is the older brother of the Migdalai. Every time she listens 1998 02:43:52.959 --> 02:43:56.479 to me because her sister' s out of her mind, she goes through 1999 02:43:56.559 --> 02:44:00.000 her room and says lon and she' s moved, but she didn' 2000 02:44:00.000 --> 02:44:01.840 t urinate. It' s time to find out what' s going on. 2001 02:44:01.879 --> 02:44:07.799 So even though he hears bells, he doesn' t know where they 2002 02:44:07.920 --> 02:44:11.239 come from, he has no idea what' s going on, but he 2003 02:44:11.360 --> 02:44:13.040 knows that something very strong happens at home and that he has to keep it 2004 02:44:13.040 --> 02:44:16.000 in mind. That' s why your best tool is to change the type 2005 02:44:16.000 --> 02:44:18.159 of attachment. But this doesn' t. Every time there is a highly 2006 02:44:18.280 --> 02:44:22.959 stressful situation, remember that you can' t change the type of attachment intermittently, 2007 02:44:22.600 --> 02:44:26.079 but change it safely and insecurely or any of the other three. And 2008 02:44:26.120 --> 02:44:30.120 it stays there forever, unless a job of integration is done later, which 2009 02:44:30.200 --> 02:44:37.159 we will see later explain to you all this brain movement. It helps me 2010 02:44:37.239 --> 02:44:41.239 to understand that sometimes highly stressful situations cause this chaos between the different parts. 2011 02:44:43.319 --> 02:44:46.920 So, during dissociation, the part of the brain that organizes the information could 2012 02:44:48.000 --> 02:44:52.239 say that it is the mother cannot work clearly and ends up placing the pan 2013 02:44:52.360 --> 02:44:56.239 in the fridge in situations where there is no real danger, but yes sense 2014 02:44:56.319 --> 02:45:03.879 is that n or c is also given. In my past. My tonsil 2015 02:45:03.000 --> 02:45:07.799 had been activated many times in the fear of not being enough. By understanding 2016 02:45:07.840 --> 02:45:11.879 my story and that of my father, I could understand that somehow he had 2017 02:45:11.920 --> 02:45:16.239 pierced his cause to me and that had caused my brain to organize such a 2018 02:45:16.319 --> 02:45:22.600 thing. He did what he could with what he had and I too the 2019 02:45:22.719 --> 02:45:28.520 mind remembers. Neurons are the largest cells in our body. They are formed 2020 02:45:28.639 --> 02:45:33.680 by a nucleus and a series of extensions that serve to connect with each other 2021 02:45:33.760 --> 02:45:37.760 forming a neural tissue or network. We have about 100 billion neurons. It 2022 02:45:37.840 --> 02:45:41.760 ' s all right if we lose one on a crazy night of alcohol and 2023 02:45:41.879 --> 02:45:46.799 unbridledness, but we don' t miss it either if the communication between them 2024 02:45:46.799 --> 02:45:50.719 all looks like patio radio. They love to know and store information and then 2025 02:45:50.799 --> 02:45:56.079 draw their own conclusions. They keep everything in huge filing cabinets. Some have 2026 02:45:56.200 --> 02:45:58.920 them in the conscious part of the brain and others in the unconscious part. 2027 02:46:01.120 --> 02:46:05.399 They catalog the information into memory types according to their importance and you know which 2028 02:46:05.520 --> 02:46:09.879 one is the most important. Just the archiver in the amitala room is, 2029 02:46:11.120 --> 02:46:16.520 as we know, storing information related to survival and it doesn' t matter 2030 02:46:16.639 --> 02:46:24.120 if the dangers it has recorded are real or imaginary. The fact is that 2031 02:46:24.200 --> 02:46:28.040 there are files that have a special interest for the whole brain, those that 2032 02:46:28.159 --> 02:46:33.760 contain information about suffering and emotional wounds or trauma. In gram is the term 2033 02:46:33.840 --> 02:46:39.000 to designate the neural networks that keep the information of the emotional wound. The 2034 02:46:39.079 --> 02:46:43.520 brain understands what the engram contains as dangers that we must avoid in order to 2035 02:46:43.600 --> 02:46:48.000 continue with our existence, but it is completely amenable to the disorder that involves 2036 02:46:48.120 --> 02:46:50.799 having that stored only in the emotional brain without integrating it with the other parts. 2037 02:46:52.319 --> 02:46:56.239 Although on the outside things happen that a priori have no direct connection to 2038 02:46:56.360 --> 02:47:01.600 the emotional wound. If the migda finds it a small similarity between that and 2039 02:47:01.680 --> 02:47:05.799 the information the neurons keep about it, neither hippocampus nor anything goes wrong. 2040 02:47:07.280 --> 02:47:11.159 The amygdala is activated as it was activated at the exact time of the trauma 2041 02:47:11.399 --> 02:47:16.639 and puts the emotional part into operation. A single stimulus is enough to reactivate 2042 02:47:16.639 --> 02:47:24.360 the whole system, relive trauma, and remove old emotional wounds. Why this 2043 02:47:24.479 --> 02:47:28.399 is happening. The brain brings out the memory of trauma, but it doesn 2044 02:47:28.479 --> 02:47:31.159 ' t differentiate between past and present. In fact, this part of the 2045 02:47:31.280 --> 02:47:35.719 brain where the engram resides, does not understand of any time more than of 2046 02:47:35.719 --> 02:47:39.159 the present. So every time he processes a minimally similar stimulus, he deduces 2047 02:47:39.280 --> 02:47:45.000 that everything bad that happened a while ago is happening again now. Sometimes this 2048 02:47:45.520 --> 02:47:52.000 triggers symptoms like feeling upset without apparently coming to account, which we end up 2049 02:47:52.079 --> 02:47:58.479 paying with those around us, because we don' t know how to manage 2050 02:47:58.479 --> 02:48:03.079 nightmares or flashbacks a move. The body always remembers this feeling of discomfort without 2051 02:48:03.159 --> 02:48:07.360 apparently coming to account. It happened to me the other day. You remember 2052 02:48:07.440 --> 02:48:11.799 the traumita of the wax figures that I saw in a shrine that I told 2053 02:48:11.840 --> 02:48:16.239 you about in the introduction. For attention to this coming now I went so 2054 02:48:16.319 --> 02:48:20.239 quietly walking through a village I had gone on a field trip with my partner, 2055 02:48:20.319 --> 02:48:26.680 when suddenly we saw a very nice candle shop and decided to enter it 2056 02:48:26.799 --> 02:48:30.879 knew it in many colors, sizes and shapes, and they were all beautiful. 2057 02:48:31.319 --> 02:48:35.040 As a result of the work of a craftsman whose workshop was inside the 2058 02:48:35.079 --> 02:48:41.120 shop. The smell of wax permeated the entire space. Suddenly I started to 2059 02:48:41.200 --> 02:48:46.239 feel bad, feeling nauseous and a tremendous anxiety in my chest. At the 2060 02:48:46.360 --> 02:48:48.920 time I didn' t know what it was about, but I looked at 2061 02:48:50.040 --> 02:48:52.399 Alberto and told her very overwhelmed. I' m going out on the street. 2062 02:48:52.719 --> 02:48:58.639 I feel bad. My partner got scared and accompanied me outside what' 2063 02:48:58.680 --> 02:49:03.440 s wrong with you. He asked worried. I don' t know. 2064 02:49:03.840 --> 02:49:07.079 I think the store has given me a hard time. I said walking aimlessly 2065 02:49:07.159 --> 02:49:13.399 and staring down on the ground. I was pretty nervous, but everything was 2066 02:49:13.440 --> 02:49:18.159 nice. I don' t understand. Alberto put his hands on my shoulders 2067 02:49:18.200 --> 02:49:24.559 and looked into my eyes to see for a second. That gesture brought me 2068 02:49:24.680 --> 02:49:28.159 back a little bit to reality. I don' t know what part of 2069 02:49:28.280 --> 02:49:31.680 my head was in, but a moment later I knew exactly what had happened 2070 02:49:31.680 --> 02:49:35.920 to me. My body had reacted to the smell of wax that carried my 2071 02:49:37.040 --> 02:49:39.719 mind to that altar of my childhood with wax figures, the pain of those 2072 02:49:39.840 --> 02:49:46.680 people, sickness, death. Instants later it all went online. My conscious 2073 02:49:46.799 --> 02:49:50.600 mind took a little longer to figure out what was going on, but my 2074 02:49:50.680 --> 02:49:58.559 body knew everything from the first second how strong truth. In relation to this 2075 02:49:58.000 --> 02:50:01.159 I will now tell you the case of Carolina, a 30- year- 2076 02:50:01.600 --> 02:50:05.639 old girl who came to me for lack of sexual desire and vaginal pain during 2077 02:50:05.760 --> 02:50:11.840 intimate relationships with penetration. You will see sometimes in sexual intercourse there is lack 2078 02:50:11.920 --> 02:50:18.600 of desire, genital pain, problems with excitement or orgasm, etcetera. I, 2079 02:50:18.799 --> 02:50:22.399 in any case, always like to know how my patient has lived his 2080 02:50:22.520 --> 02:50:28.799 sexual encounters from the first to the last. It is not necessary to give 2081 02:50:28.959 --> 02:50:31.440 many details or to relate to relationship, of course, but I am interested 2082 02:50:31.479 --> 02:50:35.959 that in his account he stops to observe the changes and evolution that the experience 2083 02:50:35.079 --> 02:50:41.000 of his sexual encounters has had throughout his life. And so did I with 2084 02:50:41.120 --> 02:50:46.879 Carolina. She had had a couple of partner relationships before she met her current 2085 02:50:46.000 --> 02:50:52.959 life partner. In the account of the first relationship I did not notice anything 2086 02:50:52.360 --> 02:50:56.040 remarkable, but when we went into what was his second relationship I found what 2087 02:50:56.159 --> 02:51:01.239 was supposed to me to be a very unpleasant sexual experience. My patient spent 2088 02:51:01.360 --> 02:51:05.079 two years dating a guy who made her feel terrible. He was messing with 2089 02:51:05.159 --> 02:51:09.920 his physique and his way of having sex. I' d manipulate her to 2090 02:51:11.000 --> 02:51:15.399 have sex, I' d tell her if you didn' t do it 2091 02:51:15.520 --> 02:51:16.760 with me, I' d go with someone else, and on top of 2092 02:51:16.760 --> 02:51:18.600 that, it' d be your fault. She compared it to other girlfriends 2093 02:51:18.680 --> 02:51:22.639 she had and in case this was too small, she controlled what she ate 2094 02:51:22.719 --> 02:51:28.040 and the clothes she wore. It was a full- fledged ill- treatment 2095 02:51:28.040 --> 02:51:33.520 relationship. At that time, Carolina was nineteen and he was twenty- four. 2096 02:51:35.399 --> 02:51:39.600 For more sinri the aforementioned forced her to have sexual encounters on more than 2097 02:51:39.760 --> 02:51:43.799 one occasion. He never hit it or physically forced it, but he didn 2098 02:51:43.879 --> 02:51:48.000 ' t need it with a scream either. It was enough to generate a 2099 02:51:48.120 --> 02:51:54.600 paralyzing fear in Carolina. My patient normalized having sex feeling unwell, and that 2100 02:51:54.719 --> 02:52:00.000 would remind his body forever. Every time her current partner started a rapprochement, 2101 02:52:00.840 --> 02:52:05.399 she ran away and when she didn' t run away, the muscles of 2102 02:52:05.479 --> 02:52:09.000 the pelvic floor were so thought that any posture hurt her. At no time 2103 02:52:09.079 --> 02:52:11.920 did he feel forced with his current partner. Moreover, on occasion he told 2104 02:52:13.000 --> 02:52:16.799 me that he felt excitement, but as soon as the physical contact began, 2105 02:52:16.319 --> 02:52:22.840 he was overwhelmed in consultation he was very sad and sorry because he wanted to 2106 02:52:22.959 --> 02:52:26.239 have a more intimate and fluid connection with his partner. However, frustration came 2107 02:52:26.280 --> 02:52:33.680 when every time he tried, his body reacted without counting on it. His 2108 02:52:33.760 --> 02:52:39.040 body was talking to him. Carolina just had to listen to him. After 2109 02:52:39.120 --> 02:52:43.520 hard interdisciplinary work in gynaecology, physiotherapy and psychology, and no patient, he 2110 02:52:43.520 --> 02:52:48.399 began to slowly improve and gradually expose himself to sexual contact, first alone and 2111 02:52:48.520 --> 02:52:54.680 then as a couple. It should be said that your partner showed himself during 2112 02:52:54.760 --> 02:52:58.799 the whole process very respectful of her. They had not been in relationships for 2113 02:53:00.319 --> 02:53:03.600 a long time, and although it was something he wanted, he understood that 2114 02:53:03.680 --> 02:53:07.239 she needed time and space to work on her sexuality. He supported her in 2115 02:53:07.239 --> 02:53:11.200 everything. She attended therapy with her in several sessions. He listened to her, 2116 02:53:11.719 --> 02:53:15.399 accompanied her and waited. What it took until Carolina felt comfortable enough to 2117 02:53:15.479 --> 02:53:22.319 have a more intimate approach. This helped the treatment a lot. After a 2118 02:53:22.399 --> 02:53:26.680 time in therapy, Carolina managed to integrate all parts of her brain and body, 2119 02:53:28.079 --> 02:53:33.680 her mind and her heart knew the most friendly perspective of sex. This 2120 02:53:33.760 --> 02:53:37.479 shows that emotional wounds are also stored in body memory, implicit memory, and 2121 02:53:37.479 --> 02:53:41.799 that body and mind go hand in hand. There are always people who, 2122 02:53:43.479 --> 02:53:46.479 after a traumatic event, do not have to be automatically. Then it can 2123 02:53:46.520 --> 02:53:52.360 be after some time. They tell to feel other symptoms related to the dissociative 2124 02:53:52.680 --> 02:53:58.559 picture, such as depersonalization and derealization, both passing phenomena. Depersonalization is a 2125 02:53:58.600 --> 02:54:03.319 phenomenon by which people can feel an alteration in the way they perceive their body. 2126 02:54:05.360 --> 02:54:09.959 They say they feel different, rare or out of the body as a 2127 02:54:09.000 --> 02:54:11.920 mere spectator of life, as their way of feeling their body has become completely 2128 02:54:13.000 --> 02:54:18.440 different from the usual way. However, derealization is an alteration of the perception 2129 02:54:18.479 --> 02:54:24.319 of the outside world. People who have ever suffered it feel that what surrounds 2130 02:54:24.399 --> 02:54:26.920 them becomes strange or unreal, as if they were in a dream causing them 2131 02:54:28.000 --> 02:54:35.600 to suddenly feel disoriented and lose their spontaneity. Curious fact. When a person 2132 02:54:35.639 --> 02:54:39.440 experiences these sensations and is aware of it, that is, he knows that 2133 02:54:39.440 --> 02:54:43.159 what happens is not normal and that it is the fruit of his head the 2134 02:54:43.239 --> 02:54:48.040 psychotic outbreak is discarded. Why I always end up with the same kind of 2135 02:54:48.040 --> 02:54:52.680 person. Let' s get into a situation you know a seemingly wonderful person. 2136 02:54:54.719 --> 02:54:58.959 Looks like that' s what you were looking for Someone attentive, kind, 2137 02:54:58.959 --> 02:55:03.639 loving and intelligent. You feel like you could be talking hours and hours. 2138 02:55:03.760 --> 02:55:07.440 You' ve been sleeping at 1, 000 for a couple of weeks 2139 02:55:07.559 --> 02:55:09.639 because you can' t get away from your cell phone. You say good 2140 02:55:09.719 --> 02:55:13.159 night and good morning by message. You tell each other all the things that 2141 02:55:13.159 --> 02:55:16.840 happen to you, You send audios of voice and every time you see an 2142 02:55:18.239 --> 02:55:22.440 incoming message it turns your heart upside down. You' ve never felt anything 2143 02:55:22.440 --> 02:55:26.520 like that before. That' s why you think maybe this is the ultimate 2144 02:55:26.520 --> 02:55:31.840 person, you' ve already had some failed relationship, and you' re 2145 02:55:31.920 --> 02:55:37.239 tired of the same old stereotypes. You looked at that person precisely because he 2146 02:55:37.360 --> 02:55:41.559 seemed to behave very differently than the others, so you decide to put all 2147 02:55:41.680 --> 02:55:46.760 the meat in the grill. The weeks go by and everything' s still 2148 02:55:46.760 --> 02:55:50.840 going great. You don' t speak as loudly as at first, but 2149 02:55:50.959 --> 02:55:54.440 it' s normal. Relationships tend to get used to and the energy of 2150 02:55:54.520 --> 02:55:58.000 the beginning is lost over time. You are August and you decide to go 2151 02:55:58.040 --> 02:56:05.600 a step further formalizing the relationship as time goes by, conflicts begin to arise 2152 02:56:05.639 --> 02:56:09.120 and you realize something. This person' s behavior starts to look a lot 2153 02:56:09.200 --> 02:56:13.879 like that of your mates. It resolves conflicts by disappearing, does not express 2154 02:56:13.959 --> 02:56:18.200 its emotions and seems to prefer not to talk things out unless you insist. 2155 02:56:18.280 --> 02:56:22.799 Why do you behave if you now, if you so far appear to be 2156 02:56:22.920 --> 02:56:26.120 a person incapable of harming you who only wanted to become unlived for You. 2157 02:56:26.200 --> 02:56:31.639 It used to be entirely available to You, why now you prefer to go 2158 02:56:31.719 --> 02:56:35.680 out with your friends, even if you are wrong, why it seems to 2159 02:56:35.760 --> 02:56:39.200 bother you to cry, why suddenly you seem to be with one of your 2160 02:56:39.280 --> 02:56:45.040 mates. Why do you always have the same thing going on in affective sex 2161 02:56:46.120 --> 02:56:50.239 relationships, why do you end up with the same type of person every time, 2162 02:56:50.719 --> 02:56:54.319 people who don' t seem to get too involved in the relationship, 2163 02:56:54.719 --> 02:57:00.000 that you find it absorbing, that stops loving you, that controls you, 2164 02:57:00.239 --> 02:57:03.799 that casually always has some commitment in prison or with other people who distrust you 2165 02:57:03.799 --> 02:57:07.000 or that makes you gosting. Any pattern is welcome in this case, and 2166 02:57:07.120 --> 02:57:09.840 repeating patterns is the law of life, at least until personal work helps you 2167 02:57:09.920 --> 02:57:15.920 otherwise, there are several reasons why we usually repeat patterns, such as the 2168 02:57:16.319 --> 02:57:20.120 idea we have about relationships and love permeated mostly by myths of romantic love or 2169 02:57:20.239 --> 02:57:26.479 learned stereotypes. But what most makes us repeat patterns is our own pattern of 2170 02:57:26.520 --> 02:57:31.319 behavior, that is, those things we learned in childhood and adolescence about how 2171 02:57:31.360 --> 02:57:37.440 we bond with ourselves and others. Although he remembers that it is also important 2172 02:57:37.520 --> 02:57:41.319 to take into account the experiences of adulthood, because they can also condition us. 2173 02:57:41.360 --> 02:57:46.159 For all this, our type of attachment will command over the dynamics of 2174 02:57:46.239 --> 02:57:52.440 those relationships that we are establishing. Remember that our brain has both conscious and 2175 02:57:52.559 --> 02:57:58.280 unconscious parts. The first one is responsible for consciously processing never better said all 2176 02:57:58.360 --> 02:58:01.920 the things that are happening, or that Guay has given me a box of 2177 02:58:01.920 --> 02:58:07.799 chocolates. However, ignore those patterns that ring a bell, because this is 2178 02:58:07.879 --> 02:58:09.440 what the other part of the brain takes care of. But, as he 2179 02:58:09.559 --> 02:58:13.920 is unconscious, we do not pay much attention to him either, because the 2180 02:58:15.040 --> 02:58:18.159 conscious part has a lot of voice at that time. In addition, substances 2181 02:58:18.239 --> 02:58:22.520 that are segregated during falling in love are able to blind those clues even more 2182 02:58:22.920 --> 02:58:31.319 than otherwise if we could perceive through sensations. What you can do to identify. 2183 02:58:31.840 --> 02:58:35.200 My first advice is that you study your story, your type of attachment, 2184 02:58:35.680 --> 02:58:39.959 and your patterns of behavior thoroughly. Then answer the following questions and write 2185 02:58:41.079 --> 02:58:46.799 all the conclusions in a notebook. What your previous relationships have been like. 2186 02:58:48.280 --> 02:58:54.479 What problems you' ve often had, how you' ve reacted to conflicts 2187 02:58:54.520 --> 02:59:00.920 in what kind of people you usually look at, what kind of behaviors people 2188 02:59:00.959 --> 02:59:05.799 tend to have. You could describe what your ideal pair prototype looks like. 2189 02:59:05.159 --> 02:59:09.360 Beyond physics, you don' t need to focus on formal relationships alone. 2190 02:59:11.799 --> 02:59:18.520 They also tell the fuck friends to discriminate. The idea is that every time 2191 02:59:18.600 --> 02:59:22.159 you meet someone, you can determine whether they bring together in their way of 2192 02:59:22.280 --> 02:59:28.319 behaving and linking the characteristics you prefer to avoid. For the moment, falling 2193 02:59:28.399 --> 02:59:31.479 in love and its substances will complicate your task because they will blind you at 2194 02:59:31.479 --> 02:59:35.399 first. So the idea is to find a balance between getting carried away and 2195 02:59:35.479 --> 02:59:39.559 staying alert if you jump into the head pool and in the air you realize 2196 02:59:39.639 --> 02:59:45.520 it' s empty, you stick it really hard. The idea is to 2197 02:59:45.639 --> 02:59:52.280 launch yourself having first checked that there is water where you are going to fall 2198 02:59:52.360 --> 02:59:56.319 and look this is not to know if something is going to go well ahead 2199 02:59:56.440 --> 03:00:00.559 of time that sometimes we want to protect ourselves so much that we want to 2200 03:00:00.639 --> 03:00:01.239 go with everything known, we anticipate and we end up pifiando because of the 2201 03:00:01.239 --> 03:00:05.239 fear that we have generated. The idea is to get carried away while you 2202 03:00:05.360 --> 03:00:11.000 ' re really getting to know each other and not to stay with the first 2203 03:00:11.120 --> 03:00:11.959 person to show affection to any part of your brain. He likes to say 2204 03:00:13.079 --> 03:00:16.280 no to love, but my advice is to check that you' re not 2205 03:00:16.360 --> 03:00:20.840 getting into the wolf' s mouth in exchange for a little love doing your 2206 03:00:20.959 --> 03:00:24.239 part of the job. Yes, the idea is not only that you discriminate 2207 03:00:24.319 --> 03:00:28.520 against those you don' t want to have at your side, but that 2208 03:00:28.600 --> 03:00:31.000 things about you You can work to change your way of interacting with others. 2209 03:00:31.079 --> 03:00:37.079 You have your share of responsibility, too. In this chapter I will teach 2210 03:00:37.159 --> 03:00:41.120 you how we tend to face the things that happen to us today according to 2211 03:00:41.200 --> 03:00:45.319 what we learned in the past, what tools worked for us in their time 2212 03:00:45.360 --> 03:00:48.040 but no longer serve us today, and what new tools we can learn to 2213 03:00:48.120 --> 03:00:52.959 use to heal the present. When the wound of the past is activated in 2214 03:00:52.040 --> 03:00:56.680 the present. Louis was the eldest of three brothers and had had a relatively 2215 03:00:56.799 --> 03:01:03.319 quiet life. He grew up surrounded by a lot of love. His parents 2216 03:01:03.360 --> 03:01:07.399 had always given him freedom and had shown him that they trusted him during his 2217 03:01:07.479 --> 03:01:13.799 adolescence. Late. He experienced some disappointments with several friendships, but, according 2218 03:01:13.799 --> 03:01:18.559 to him, nothing transcendental. In fact, one day her parents discovered that 2219 03:01:18.639 --> 03:01:22.840 the younger sister, Paula, had been flirting with marijuana for a while. 2220 03:01:24.200 --> 03:01:28.360 He had started smoking at seventeen years old and gradually ended up developing dependency, 2221 03:01:28.799 --> 03:01:33.559 with all the problems that that entails failure, school bad companies, days without 2222 03:01:33.600 --> 03:01:37.799 appearing at home, physical health problems and a toxic relationship with his partner. 2223 03:01:41.120 --> 03:01:45.479 As Luis told me, Paula stopped being herself. He looked like someone else, 2224 03:01:46.079 --> 03:01:48.600 he didn' t talk, he didn' t laugh, he just 2225 03:01:48.600 --> 03:01:52.239 wanted to smoke and get over life. The parents decided that the best thing 2226 03:01:52.399 --> 03:01:56.000 for her was to start treating her addiction with a team of professionals. From 2227 03:01:56.079 --> 03:01:58.840 the time Paula started treatment until she finished it. Pa, Pa, Pa 2228 03:02:00.000 --> 03:02:05.000 spent three years, three long and hard years for the whole family, but 2229 03:02:05.040 --> 03:02:09.440 especially for Luis, who lived that time with a sense of responsibility, impotence 2230 03:02:09.559 --> 03:02:15.680 and enormous frustration. That kept him in a constant and high state of physical 2231 03:02:15.799 --> 03:02:20.799 and mental alertness. During those three years. She felt responsible for being the 2232 03:02:20.879 --> 03:02:24.319 older brother and although he wanted to save her, it was impossible for Paula 2233 03:02:24.479 --> 03:02:31.399 to listen to no reason. Finally, her sister was hospitalized for a long 2234 03:02:31.479 --> 03:02:35.440 time and ended up recovering. He rejoined his studies and managed to continue his 2235 03:02:35.559 --> 03:02:41.559 life as best he could. Luis, for his part, didn' t 2236 03:02:41.559 --> 03:02:46.719 come out unscathed. He had suffered a major emotional injury He never felt enough. 2237 03:02:46.840 --> 03:02:50.760 In addition, at the time he had just become independent with his girlfriend 2238 03:02:52.200 --> 03:02:56.319 and, as at any beginning, he had to get used to many new 2239 03:02:56.440 --> 03:02:58.799 things, including organizing his income and expenses, which made it difficult for him 2240 03:02:58.879 --> 03:03:05.920 to reach the end of the month. His parents had no problem in helping 2241 03:03:05.959 --> 03:03:09.399 his son financially, but he knew that the center where he was admitted to 2242 03:03:09.479 --> 03:03:13.399 his sister was very expensive, because he listened to his parents talk about loans 2243 03:03:13.479 --> 03:03:18.600 and debts and did not want them to have an additional financial burden. For 2244 03:03:18.760 --> 03:03:22.479 this reason, Luis did not accept the money offered him. If he did, 2245 03:03:22.879 --> 03:03:28.719 he felt distressed and bad about himself for not being able to get through 2246 03:03:28.840 --> 03:03:35.319 on his own in a situation like that. All this vital experience deeply affected 2247 03:03:35.399 --> 03:03:39.680 his perception of personal worth. Also, until his financial problems were solved, 2248 03:03:41.399 --> 03:03:46.040 Luis had the feeling of being one more burden on the family. It is 2249 03:03:46.120 --> 03:03:48.760 likely that the boy grew up with a secure attachment and that, after his 2250 03:03:48.799 --> 03:03:54.079 sister' s illness, he would surely change to an anxious type. The 2251 03:03:54.159 --> 03:04:00.000 day Luis came to see me for a consultation, he showed nervousness, insomnia, 2252 03:04:00.440 --> 03:04:03.239 Christine and agonizing for the future. We were working on his story so 2253 03:04:03.319 --> 03:04:07.559 that he could understand the origin of his evil, which was neither in childhood 2254 03:04:07.639 --> 03:04:11.520 nor adolescence, but in four years ago, at the time Luis understood everything, 2255 03:04:11.680 --> 03:04:18.559 he burst into tears of relief. He finally understood himself. The people 2256 03:04:18.600 --> 03:04:22.840 who come to my office come to work I knew and my mission is to 2257 03:04:22.920 --> 03:04:26.920 accompany them through the depths of their unconsciousness and help them connect that part with 2258 03:04:26.920 --> 03:04:33.120 their bread. After those sessions, Luis began to feel better. At last 2259 03:04:33.239 --> 03:04:37.799 he had the reason for all his present problems. One day, however, 2260 03:04:39.079 --> 03:04:43.760 he appeared in the consultation with an anxiety crisis. A series of floating spots 2261 03:04:43.799 --> 03:04:46.360 had been noticed in the vision and had done the worst thing you can do 2262 03:04:46.440 --> 03:04:52.760 in these situations to look on the Internet. I' m afraid of glaucoma. 2263 03:04:52.760 --> 03:04:56.120 I read that spots can be a symptom of glaucoma and my grandfather had 2264 03:04:56.239 --> 03:05:01.719 glaucoma. It' s possible I inherited him. He told me worried, 2265 03:05:03.600 --> 03:05:07.120 but Luis, the spots on the eye can be for many reasons. You 2266 03:05:07.200 --> 03:05:11.559 know that many times our brain activates defense mechanisms that make us get at the 2267 03:05:11.639 --> 03:05:16.280 worst just by being prepared if the worst happens, but that it can happen 2268 03:05:16.399 --> 03:05:20.440 doesn' t mean it' s going to happen. And this is so. 2269 03:05:22.440 --> 03:05:26.520 We spend part of our lives spending energy, suffering for things that are 2270 03:05:26.559 --> 03:05:31.319 never going to happen. This phenomenon is called catastropheism. We will look closely 2271 03:05:31.440 --> 03:05:35.440 at this later. I know, but I don' t know. I 2272 03:05:35.520 --> 03:05:41.840 ' m worried. I made an appointment at the ophthalmologist. All right, 2273 03:05:41.920 --> 03:05:45.159 done, you better look at it and that' s how you make sure. 2274 03:05:46.719 --> 03:05:50.159 Yeah, I' ve also noticed my skin itches a lot. It 2275 03:05:50.280 --> 03:05:54.799 may be because of the humidity of the environment. In summer, it' 2276 03:05:56.120 --> 03:05:58.840 s possible I answered and hesitated for a moment. It is sinto s or 2277 03:05:58.920 --> 03:06:03.879 s to be related to attention and stress. So I began to suspect that 2278 03:06:03.000 --> 03:06:09.239 what Luis related could be the fruit of something more emotional. We could be 2279 03:06:09.319 --> 03:06:13.719 talking about psychosomatic symptoms resulting from any injuries from the past. Hey, tell 2280 03:06:13.799 --> 03:06:20.319 me what you' ve done these days, because studying for oppositions and little 2281 03:06:20.440 --> 03:06:26.399 more and how you' re doing well I' m going to answer by 2282 03:06:26.479 --> 03:06:28.920 fixing a sad look at a point on the ground. I feel like I 2283 03:06:28.959 --> 03:06:33.319 ' m never gonna get the square. I' m thirty- three years 2284 03:06:33.440 --> 03:06:37.840 old and I haven' t paid anything in social security. The thing was 2285 03:06:37.959 --> 03:06:43.319 taking shape. We were finally beginning to delve into the possible cause of their 2286 03:06:43.319 --> 03:06:48.040 discomfort. I feel like I don' t belong anywhere. He also told 2287 03:06:48.120 --> 03:06:52.920 me that, since his Bride was the only one working, he felt that 2288 03:06:52.040 --> 03:06:56.559 he continued to carry a burden on an economic level and that, although it 2289 03:06:56.600 --> 03:07:00.959 was something that had been discussed and negotiated a thousand times by mutual agreement, 2290 03:07:01.239 --> 03:07:03.399 he was distressed that he could not contribute to the day- to- day 2291 03:07:03.399 --> 03:07:07.360 expenses. The couple had plenty of money, but still, he felt that 2292 03:07:07.440 --> 03:07:13.559 he had to do something interesting. Years ago, Luis had a feeling that 2293 03:07:13.680 --> 03:07:18.120 he should do something useful, and today it was the same as if that 2294 03:07:18.200 --> 03:07:24.159 conduct had not been completed and he had not left. He knew in the 2295 03:07:24.239 --> 03:07:28.520 story of Luis and knew perfectly well that his wound was related to the low 2296 03:07:28.600 --> 03:07:31.799 perception of his personal worth, as well as to the feeling of being a 2297 03:07:31.799 --> 03:07:35.559 burden. If he related what he was telling me to what he already knew. 2298 03:07:37.040 --> 03:07:41.479 That led me to a very powerful conclusion. I had just confessed that 2299 03:07:41.559 --> 03:07:46.319 I felt a burden and that I did not belong anywhere just what I felt 2300 03:07:46.399 --> 03:07:50.799 in those traumatic years. It is possible that Luis would have activated his emotional 2301 03:07:50.920 --> 03:07:56.319 wound without realizing it. The life of an opponent is hard. He spends 2302 03:07:56.479 --> 03:08:00.479 years and years trying to get a place that, in addition to providing a 2303 03:08:00.600 --> 03:08:03.639 means with which to earn money, gives the opportunity to feel useful. To 2304 03:08:03.719 --> 03:08:09.879 those who perform their duties the work also gives in some way an identity. 2305 03:08:09.959 --> 03:08:13.280 Feeling useful gives meaning to life, and that was something Luis needed to be 2306 03:08:13.360 --> 03:08:18.239 able to mitigate the damage to his wound. Frustration of not being seen enough 2307 03:08:18.319 --> 03:08:24.600 to help his sister and Luis rather felt the opposite. He hadn' t 2308 03:08:24.719 --> 03:08:26.680 found his place in the world yet. His day to day was kind of 2309 03:08:26.760 --> 03:08:33.120 limbo. The boy had lived with his latent emotional wound for a while, 2310 03:08:33.399 --> 03:08:37.319 but now that wound was beginning to appear through symptoms that did not seem to 2311 03:08:37.399 --> 03:08:41.719 have a direct connection to the problem. Luis activated his sympathetic system after having 2312 03:08:41.799 --> 03:08:46.360 been spinning the subject of spots in the vision, and this led him to 2313 03:08:46.440 --> 03:08:52.399 fear. That localized fear triggered other fears, such as not getting the square 2314 03:08:52.479 --> 03:08:56.079 out. This never happens how typical you start scratching at one thing and you 2315 03:08:56.159 --> 03:09:01.200 end up scratching at everything, and in turn he thought that if he didn 2316 03:09:01.319 --> 03:09:03.879 ' t get out of the square, it would always be useless. The 2317 03:09:03.959 --> 03:09:09.840 friend woke her up and warned the hippocampus that she said this about not feeling 2318 03:09:09.840 --> 03:09:11.840 useful. It rings a bell. The neural networks pulled the files from my 2319 03:09:11.920 --> 03:09:18.200 patient' s emotional wound, activated the emotions associated with memory and puom anxiety 2320 03:09:18.239 --> 03:09:24.760 crisis for Luis. Even if his sister was already well and the boy had 2321 03:09:24.879 --> 03:09:28.159 a quiet life, the current situation had evoked emotions capable of activating his emotional 2322 03:09:28.280 --> 03:09:33.159 wound. Luis didn' t know how or why he felt that way. 2323 03:09:35.200 --> 03:09:37.719 His Mind did not show him a direct relationship between memory as such and his 2324 03:09:37.840 --> 03:09:43.639 current symptoms. This is normal, since the wounds are stored in the unconscious 2325 03:09:43.719 --> 03:09:48.280 and sometimes we are only aware of the emotions associated with memory, but not 2326 03:09:48.399 --> 03:09:52.280 to the memory itself. That' s why, even if this one stays. 2327 03:09:52.680 --> 03:09:54.959 We are not able to relate the pain of the present to it of 2328 03:09:54.959 --> 03:09:58.520 the past. It' s as if the mind within its chaos in in 2329 03:09:58.680 --> 03:10:03.239 rn. The certain information to the bread from the p in a discreet way, 2330 03:10:03.719 --> 03:10:09.000 I explained to Luis my conclusion and his eyes began to moisten. This 2331 03:10:09.079 --> 03:10:13.559 is witchcraft. He told me between laughter and tears. You know what I 2332 03:10:13.639 --> 03:10:18.920 like to create an atmosphere of trust between laughter and jokes in therapy. Patients 2333 03:10:20.040 --> 03:10:24.120 thank me because they feel that humor allows them to fit things much better. 2334 03:10:26.239 --> 03:10:28.479 The young man knew what his wound meant and how it had been activated. 2335 03:10:31.040 --> 03:10:33.920 It was precisely that which motivated him to wonder how he could heal his wound 2336 03:10:35.280 --> 03:10:39.840 and after several minutes exchanging ideas, we decided that the path he could take 2337 03:10:39.879 --> 03:10:43.319 was to schedule a routine in which to do things that would make him feel 2338 03:10:43.399 --> 03:10:45.360 useful and valid in his day- to- day life. The satisfaction of 2339 03:10:45.399 --> 03:10:48.239 having taken advantage of an afternoon of study was something that, for example, 2340 03:10:48.680 --> 03:10:52.879 made him feel good. Obviously, the work was not left alone in that, 2341 03:10:54.479 --> 03:10:58.440 but at least it was a small start. As we already saw in 2342 03:10:58.559 --> 03:11:01.399 the second chapter, you make it through our lives. People are acquiring tools 2343 03:11:01.479 --> 03:11:07.200 to deal with different situations. Sometimes we learn them consciously, for example, 2344 03:11:07.440 --> 03:11:11.239 in therapy, as we saw in Daniel' s case, for which information 2345 03:11:11.280 --> 03:11:15.479 was an important tool, and other times they appear naturally and on the fly. 2346 03:11:16.639 --> 03:11:20.719 According to what is happening to us in life, these tools are established 2347 03:11:20.760 --> 03:11:26.440 the so- called patterns of behavior constant ways of thinking, feeling, reacting 2348 03:11:26.520 --> 03:11:31.719 physically and acting in certain situations. A pattern of conduct will always lead you 2349 03:11:31.840 --> 03:11:37.360 to act the same way. It is enough for a tool to work only 2350 03:11:37.639 --> 03:11:41.799 once to continue using it throughout life in any complicated situation. Even if we 2351 03:11:41.840 --> 03:11:46.959 don' t do well in the future, the brain will continue to hold 2352 03:11:46.040 --> 03:11:50.399 on to it because the person doesn' t know other tools. There are 2353 03:11:50.440 --> 03:11:54.680 those who serve at a specific time, but who eventually cease to be useful 2354 03:11:54.799 --> 03:11:58.600 every day. I see patients who maintain patterns of behavior that once worked, 2355 03:12:00.040 --> 03:12:05.079 but have ceased to use them. Te. I' ll give you an 2356 03:12:05.079 --> 03:12:09.600 example. Imagine that a child sees that his parents argue has often learned to 2357 03:12:09.639 --> 03:12:15.440 be aware of the emotions of their reference adults to intervene to regulate them and 2358 03:12:15.760 --> 03:12:20.520 thus manage their own discomfort. This child acquires a lifelong pattern of hypervigilance behavior 2359 03:12:20.680 --> 03:12:24.879 until he reaches his adult stage, in which he will maintain this hypervigilance towards 2360 03:12:24.959 --> 03:12:31.600 his partner, friends, etcetera. The injury of the adult person is related 2361 03:12:31.680 --> 03:12:37.440 to the survival strategy that he performed as a child. Here are some tools 2362 03:12:37.559 --> 03:12:43.600 I' ve observed in my patients. High self- exigency. People usually 2363 03:12:43.680 --> 03:12:48.760 use it to feel valid, get results, get reinforcement and approval from others 2364 03:12:48.840 --> 03:12:54.840 is a tool that allows them to gain self- esteem when people who have 2365 03:12:54.920 --> 03:12:58.159 been self- demanding are not doing anything productive. For example, they are 2366 03:12:58.200 --> 03:13:07.399 resting are usually discomfort because unconsciously they associate fulfilling their self- demands with procrastination 2367 03:13:07.479 --> 03:13:11.399 well- being leaving things for later is usually used to avoid feelings of discomfort 2368 03:13:11.399 --> 03:13:16.399 and possible failures. People who put it into practice often set aside tasks that 2369 03:13:16.479 --> 03:13:20.239 put a certain mental or emotional burden on them and focus on activities the result 2370 03:13:20.280 --> 03:13:26.680 of which they know are pleasant to them. This cognitive mechanism leads people to 2371 03:13:26.760 --> 03:13:30.959 think obsessively, turning the same things over and over again without reaching a clear 2372 03:13:31.079 --> 03:13:37.600 conclusion. It is used with the aim of finding a solution to a problem 2373 03:13:37.719 --> 03:13:43.760 that generates discomfort, so that people can end it with high responsibility, with 2374 03:13:43.920 --> 03:13:48.559 a high sense of responsibility base their pattern of behavior on the underlying belief of 2375 03:13:48.639 --> 03:13:52.360 themselves. I get things right, everyone will be proud of me and I 2376 03:13:52.440 --> 03:13:56.959 will finally be wanted by an out- of- the- box responsibility consumes 2377 03:13:58.079 --> 03:14:01.200 the person who ends up taking care of emotional backpacks that are not his and 2378 03:14:01.200 --> 03:14:07.959 that therefore do not correspond to hypervigilance. Maintaining a state of alertness to danger 2379 03:14:07.000 --> 03:14:11.040 in life or death situations can save our lives, but keeping it in everyday 2380 03:14:11.079 --> 03:14:15.879 situations in relation to the environment, the gestures or tone of voice of others 2381 03:14:15.920 --> 03:14:22.719 generates unnecessary and disadaptative anxiety. People with anxious attachment, for example, are 2382 03:14:22.040 --> 03:14:28.680 experts in interpreting imperceptible expressions on the face of others. They do so in 2383 03:14:28.719 --> 03:14:31.760 order to diagnose a danger, for example, that their partner is lying to 2384 03:14:31.760 --> 03:14:37.680 them. What happens is that their mental hyperactivity, impulsiveness and insecurity prevent them 2385 03:14:37.760 --> 03:14:43.559 from reaching certain conclusions. If they learned to handle this skill from the quiet, 2386 03:14:43.200 --> 03:14:48.319 they would be cracks interpreting people' s nonverbal behaviors. For their part, 2387 03:14:48.719 --> 03:14:52.680 people with evasive attachment also launch this tool, in such a way that 2388 03:14:52.760 --> 03:14:58.000 they observe others to be able to evaluate how they should feel and thus avoid 2389 03:14:58.040 --> 03:15:03.319 a conflict check behaviors check again and again that everything is well used to mitigate 2390 03:15:03.399 --> 03:15:09.879 discomfort. A check- up behavior may be, for example, to search 2391 03:15:09.959 --> 03:15:13.840 the Internet for symptoms of possible illnesses or the social media stalling of friends, 2392 03:15:15.840 --> 03:15:20.559 family and partner or is a couple bursting with anger. Angry anger or anger 2393 03:15:20.719 --> 03:15:24.680 is an emotion that, well managed, can be a very useful tool. 2394 03:15:24.319 --> 03:15:28.680 It allows us to express that it bothers us and set limits. People who 2395 03:15:28.719 --> 03:15:33.639 learned how to use IRA as a tool to prevent emotional pain tend to be 2396 03:15:33.719 --> 03:15:37.239 adults with a lot of impulsiveness and poor management of anger, which leads them 2397 03:15:37.319 --> 03:15:45.399 to have problems in establishing links with others. All these tools are a double 2398 03:15:45.639 --> 03:15:48.520 - edged weapon, sometimes silbni and sometimes are the source of the problem. 2399 03:15:50.000 --> 03:15:54.719 It' s paradoxical, but it' s so sometimes. The discomfort comes 2400 03:15:54.760 --> 03:15:58.559 from the very tools that the brain uses in the past to solve a problem 2401 03:15:58.559 --> 03:16:03.680 and according to the discomfort that it posed. For example, people with anxiety, 2402 03:16:03.239 --> 03:16:11.000 knock depression etc. They suffer a lot from their high self- exigency, 2403 03:16:11.440 --> 03:16:13.440 procrastination, hypersurveillance, checking behaviors and so on. But these are tools 2404 03:16:13.520 --> 03:16:18.120 that the brain continues to use because they served him in his day. The 2405 03:16:18.200 --> 03:16:24.239 objective of all the above tools is the same control. This allows us to 2406 03:16:24.399 --> 03:16:30.639 have everything supervised and organized, which gives us peace of mind. Having a 2407 03:16:30.719 --> 03:16:35.399 feeling of important controls for everyone, but trying to have absolute control of our 2408 03:16:35.399 --> 03:16:39.840 environment, which is what is intended most of the times that these tools are 2409 03:16:39.920 --> 03:16:43.239 used in order to obtain emotional tranquility, is almost impossible, which makes, 2410 03:16:43.639 --> 03:16:50.239 paradoxically, we generate more discomfort. The three types of unsure, anxious, 2411 03:16:50.719 --> 03:16:58.280 evasive, and disorganized attachment can show any of these features Now let' s 2412 03:16:58.360 --> 03:17:03.840 see an exercise on the tools we' ve been talking about. Exercise think 2413 03:17:03.879 --> 03:17:09.280 about your story and reflect on what you did in the highly stressful situations you 2414 03:17:09.360 --> 03:17:13.479 lived to solve them. If you have difficulty identifying the tools you used, 2415 03:17:15.120 --> 03:17:18.559 you can start with the present. Think about what you' re doing today 2416 03:17:18.559 --> 03:17:22.559 to solve a problem, even if you notice the results you' re waiting 2417 03:17:22.600 --> 03:17:26.600 for or if you' re upset because of one of the tools you use 2418 03:17:26.639 --> 03:17:31.959 and reflect on whether that behavior or thought ever happened successfully in therapy. My 2419 03:17:31.000 --> 03:17:37.680 patients ask me a lot how to manage emotional wounds. They also ask about 2420 03:17:37.760 --> 03:17:41.079 how to change the type of attachment and although the answer is easy to work 2421 03:17:41.200 --> 03:17:46.360 with, it' s not as much as you know. Emotional wounds are 2422 03:17:46.520 --> 03:17:50.239 closely related to the activation of the attachment system and the change from a secure 2423 03:17:50.319 --> 03:17:54.959 attachment to an insecure one. Therefore, those who normally come to therapy to 2424 03:17:54.079 --> 03:17:58.479 work their emotional wounds have an interest in maintaining healthy bonds. I get myself 2425 03:17:58.520 --> 03:18:05.120 and the people around this question, because I always answer the same thing. 2426 03:18:05.040 --> 03:18:11.440 You need to do two things personal therapy and live a positive experience related to 2427 03:18:11.520 --> 03:18:13.799 that fear or that pain and show you that you are in a safe place. 2428 03:18:16.280 --> 03:18:20.719 Healing an emotional wound is not anything. The goal that we therapists who 2429 03:18:20.760 --> 03:18:24.399 engage in this are to generate harmony between the three brains so that, instead 2430 03:18:24.760 --> 03:18:28.399 of processing each on its own, they all work with the same information. 2431 03:18:31.879 --> 03:18:35.799 Imagine that you' re doing a group job with other colleagues and you decide 2432 03:18:35.959 --> 03:18:37.639 that everyone will do their part and then you' ll put it all together. 2433 03:18:39.680 --> 03:18:43.639 What usually happens in these cases, that the result is a disaster writing 2434 03:18:43.760 --> 03:18:48.760 different different fonts, repeated content, one part with images and others without one 2435 03:18:48.879 --> 03:18:52.799 part has a total of three pages and the other fifty- six, etc. 2436 03:18:56.559 --> 03:18:58.200 Well, this is what the brain usually does when each of its steps 2437 03:18:58.280 --> 03:19:05.879 has a different understanding of things. In a person whose emotional wounds remain open, 2438 03:19:07.319 --> 03:19:11.120 this happens. The rational brain says your partner isn' t going to 2439 03:19:11.200 --> 03:19:15.000 cheat on you, because every day it shows you that he loves you. 2440 03:19:16.479 --> 03:19:20.239 The emotional brain says your partner' s gonna cheat on you because he raised 2441 03:19:20.360 --> 03:19:22.600 his eyebrow when you asked him if you wanted to have salad. Just like 2442 03:19:22.719 --> 03:19:26.120 your ex did at the time you found out he was with someone else, 2443 03:19:26.559 --> 03:19:33.719 he' s starting to get tired of you. History repeats itself. I 2444 03:19:33.760 --> 03:19:37.200 think the best thing you could do is snoop through all the social media to 2445 03:19:37.200 --> 03:19:43.920 stay calm. The reptilian brain says we' re going to die in a 2446 03:19:45.000 --> 03:19:48.799 person whose emotional wounds have been healed. This is another one. The rational 2447 03:19:48.920 --> 03:19:52.520 brain says your partner isn' t going to cheat on you, because every 2448 03:19:52.639 --> 03:19:58.319 day it shows you that he loves you. The emotional brain says I' 2449 03:19:58.479 --> 03:20:05.520 m here. The reptilian brain says it' s all ok. But how 2450 03:20:05.639 --> 03:20:09.120 did we get to this? Although there are very complex and special techniques for 2451 03:20:09.159 --> 03:20:13.879 these cases, such as lia envio, amugment, distance pfastation in RIP pssasen. 2452 03:20:13.200 --> 03:20:18.959 It is always highly recommended to use them along with other more common tools, 2453 03:20:18.399 --> 03:20:22.559 such as behavioral cognitive work focused on trauma, which are the ones I 2454 03:20:22.600 --> 03:20:26.319 will refer to on a larger scale in this book. As small pills of 2455 03:20:26.440 --> 03:20:33.799 knowledge, handling jealousy from the theory of emotional wound, I want you to 2456 03:20:33.920 --> 03:20:37.719 see with me the case of Lourdes, a twenty- eight- year- 2457 03:20:39.319 --> 03:20:43.520 old girl with problems handling jealousy in her current relationship and whose emotional wound is 2458 03:20:43.639 --> 03:20:48.200 related to the humiliation that she was forced to experience an infidelity on the part 2459 03:20:48.280 --> 03:20:52.520 of her partner. Your story will help me to develop all the steps I 2460 03:20:52.600 --> 03:21:01.000 consider essential when working an emotional wound that presents symptoms today. Lourdes shook me 2461 03:21:01.079 --> 03:21:05.360 for two years. She had been with her partner Manuel for four years, 2462 03:21:05.799 --> 03:21:11.440 and jealousy had begun to wreak havoc on both the relationship and herself. He 2463 03:21:11.520 --> 03:21:16.840 had become obsessed with him to the point of interrogating him with stalking, counting 2464 03:21:16.840 --> 03:21:20.200 the condoms, controlling the connection time of the Whatsapp, observing the times he 2465 03:21:20.280 --> 03:21:24.920 appeared online, checking his email and social networks, or again and again ruminating 2466 03:21:24.000 --> 03:21:30.639 conversations they had had in the past. My patient felt like she was going 2467 03:21:30.799 --> 03:21:35.000 crazy. He had realized that he spent all his time thinking and controlling his 2468 03:21:35.079 --> 03:21:37.879 partner, who had already told him and proved on many occasions that he loved 2469 03:21:37.920 --> 03:21:43.920 him and that he had nothing with anyone else. She had been living a 2470 03:21:43.000 --> 03:21:46.920 healthy couple' s bond, which means she had an important factor in closing 2471 03:21:48.079 --> 03:21:52.360 that emotional wound, the positive experience. The problem was that he lacked the 2472 03:21:52.520 --> 03:21:58.639 other part, personal work. Jealousy had been taking over her life for a 2473 03:21:58.040 --> 03:22:01.600 while and if we did not act soon, the link between her and her 2474 03:22:01.719 --> 03:22:05.959 partner could become toxic and make her emotional wound even bigger, something that in 2475 03:22:07.040 --> 03:22:11.440 a hypothetical future case in which Lourdes was no longer with manuel Le, would 2476 03:22:11.559 --> 03:22:16.639 also harm her relationships. His personal work lasted more than a year, time 2477 03:22:16.719 --> 03:22:24.840 we devoted to the next steps one understand the story itself. For me it 2478 03:22:24.959 --> 03:22:28.559 is indispensable to realize a line of life or chronological axis with personal events, 2479 03:22:30.079 --> 03:22:35.239 as it returns to our conscious mind situations that we thought forgotten. It can 2480 03:22:35.319 --> 03:22:39.360 be done with the help of photographs. Personally, it' s a tool 2481 03:22:39.479 --> 03:22:45.239 that I' ve dared many times when I want to find meaning to something 2482 03:22:45.239 --> 03:22:48.000 that happens to me. Today I go to my parents' house and review 2483 03:22:48.079 --> 03:22:50.360 all the photos, no matter how many times I' ve seen them before. 2484 03:22:52.520 --> 03:22:56.159 That brings back memories and thoughts that help me keep pulling the thread. 2485 03:22:56.440 --> 03:23:00.760 And it' s funny because, although I always go with them, they 2486 03:23:00.840 --> 03:23:05.280 ' re about to have discovered everything, every time I do the exercise a 2487 03:23:05.280 --> 03:23:09.079 new memory appears. Observe my past and determine how it affected and conditioned me. 2488 03:23:09.760 --> 03:23:13.840 It' s something that I find very useful. Before meeting her current 2489 03:23:13.920 --> 03:23:16.319 partner, Lourdes had a toxic relationship in which her ex cheated on her over 2490 03:23:16.399 --> 03:23:22.559 and over again, thus generating an emotional wound in her. In those situations 2491 03:23:22.639 --> 03:23:26.559 of the past, my patient learned to control his partner. It avoided a 2492 03:23:26.639 --> 03:23:33.079 worse discomfort to be humiliated by infidelity. Lourdes did the same thing she was 2493 03:23:33.239 --> 03:23:37.959 doing at this point in her life, controlling, checking and stamping. I 2494 03:23:37.040 --> 03:23:41.799 had learned to be a ruminant person. I was spinning things over and over 2495 03:23:41.959 --> 03:23:46.280 all the time. That prepared her to tie up and find any gaps in 2496 03:23:46.319 --> 03:23:54.920 history, which in turn helped her discover one infidelity after another. These tools 2497 03:23:54.040 --> 03:23:58.000 were useful to her at that particular stage of her life and now Lourdes was 2498 03:23:58.120 --> 03:24:03.520 using them again without more reason than suspicion enough to activate her emotional wound. 2499 03:24:05.920 --> 03:24:09.000 As with our past, it is especially important to know those with whom we 2500 03:24:09.120 --> 03:24:15.440 have close ties. It can help if the person tells you his story. 2501 03:24:16.479 --> 03:24:18.680 In my case, seeing pictures of my parents or partner being with them has 2502 03:24:18.840 --> 03:24:22.760 given rise to magical moments in which they tell their stories. While I listen 2503 03:24:22.840 --> 03:24:28.000 carefully and have a cup of tea, a coffee or a hot chocolate. 2504 03:24:28.079 --> 03:24:31.440 That has allowed me to see with compassionate eyes the things they do today, 2505 03:24:33.159 --> 03:24:37.680 even though those things influence me too to understand the story of Lourdes was key 2506 03:24:37.799 --> 03:24:43.719 for Manuel when it comes to accompanying her in managing her jealousy. There were 2507 03:24:43.799 --> 03:24:46.360 times when she was angry from her own thoughts and then paid for it with 2508 03:24:46.440 --> 03:24:52.200 him, which clearly responded to the defensive. She was greatly helped to understand 2509 03:24:52.200 --> 03:24:56.760 how her partner could feel every time he turned to him aggressively, if he 2510 03:24:56.840 --> 03:25:03.079 faced an emotional wound or injury. We know the mechanisms that are activated, 2511 03:25:03.520 --> 03:25:07.559 in what way, when and why we will understand many of the symptoms with 2512 03:25:07.680 --> 03:25:11.120 which we live to pass from yet I do not know what happens to me 2513 03:25:11.120 --> 03:25:13.440 within an hour. I get it. I may not solve the whole problem, 2514 03:25:13.799 --> 03:25:16.520 but it relieves you a lot and makes you feel less. Weird bug 2515 03:25:16.559 --> 03:25:20.440 is a start and my hope is that this book is helping you to analyze 2516 03:25:20.520 --> 03:25:26.120 everyday situations like this. Urdes was very helpful in understanding that jealousy is simply 2517 03:25:26.159 --> 03:25:31.159 an emotion, that it is neither good nor bad, that it is born 2518 03:25:31.319 --> 03:25:33.479 from a mixture of fear and goes to emotions that have to do with the 2519 03:25:33.600 --> 03:25:37.559 activation of the attachment system and that play with our mind. And this allowed 2520 03:25:37.639 --> 03:25:41.680 him to make some peace. With her pain she did not feel mad, 2521 03:25:43.319 --> 03:25:48.760 but understood that she remained tremendously alert. When the suspicion was lit, he 2522 03:25:48.840 --> 03:25:54.479 observed that stimulus had normally activated it. It was anything related to Manuel' 2523 03:25:54.559 --> 03:25:58.559 s evening departures, with his friends, incoming messages, people who were guided 2524 03:25:58.600 --> 03:26:03.239 or stopped following on social networks, hours of arrival at home and discussions between 2525 03:26:03.360 --> 03:26:07.399 them and unsolved that had little to do with third people, but rather with 2526 03:26:07.479 --> 03:26:13.440 problems of coexistence. Although Manuel wasn' t a saint and he didn' 2527 03:26:13.600 --> 03:26:16.879 t do everything perfectly, he didn' t do anything out of the ordinary 2528 03:26:16.879 --> 03:26:22.879 either. But of course, those things that bothered Urdes instead of talking to 2529 03:26:22.959 --> 03:26:26.760 his partner, she took them to the extreme because of the pain caused by 2530 03:26:26.840 --> 03:26:31.559 his emotional wound. That is why every discussion ended up being an odyssey in 2531 03:26:31.639 --> 03:26:39.639 which Manuel felt attacked and lords offended and misunderstood to understand how the mind works 2532 03:26:39.799 --> 03:26:45.639 in these situations. My patient followed these steps, analyzing how her body responded, 2533 03:26:46.360 --> 03:26:52.440 thinking, behavior, emotion, and physical symptoms. He remembered the metaphor 2534 03:26:52.520 --> 03:26:56.360 of the triangle and the confirmatory bias that you' ve already read in I 2535 03:26:56.440 --> 03:27:01.280 love you I want the tendency to favor, seek me out the RNS and 2536 03:27:01.360 --> 03:27:07.639 remember the information that confirms your own previous beliefs, obviating other alternatives. Then 2537 03:27:07.760 --> 03:27:11.399 he remembered how much the brain likes to relive the past and react to it 2538 03:27:11.479 --> 03:27:15.040 as if it was happening at this very moment. Now you know why it 2539 03:27:15.159 --> 03:27:20.200 happens. This fell into the account of the ravages caused by the phenomenon of 2540 03:27:20.239 --> 03:27:26.840 him catastrophism concept that I explain to you later on and in the end, 2541 03:27:26.040 --> 03:27:31.680 I saw the ease with which we strengthen behaviors and thoughts that make the cycle 2542 03:27:31.719 --> 03:27:35.959 of the checkup go to more becoming addicted to it. This is usually done 2543 03:27:35.040 --> 03:27:39.000 with the help of a therapist who links the symptoms you have with your own 2544 03:27:39.079 --> 03:27:45.079 story. In the case of Lourdes, she had developed an anxious attachment after 2545 03:27:45.120 --> 03:27:48.360 her past toxic relationship and had learned to be hypervigilating by the fear of being 2546 03:27:48.399 --> 03:27:54.680 abandoned, rejected and humiliated. Again, the same tools he used. He 2547 03:27:54.799 --> 03:27:58.479 then continued to use it in his relationship with Manuel so that this hypothetical abandonment 2548 03:27:58.479 --> 03:28:03.520 would not happen. The problem was that he was now using them for a 2549 03:28:03.600 --> 03:28:07.079 situation that was not threatening at all, so they gave him more pain and 2550 03:28:07.120 --> 03:28:11.920 suffering. It was like he was trying to kill the hunger with the desire 2551 03:28:11.920 --> 03:28:16.920 to eat. Although at first the formula works and generates calm, over time, 2552 03:28:16.280 --> 03:28:20.280 the cycle is reinforced, the discomfort increases and the tool learned this alqueo 2553 03:28:20.360 --> 03:28:26.479 tastes little, it is like an addiction. The person needs another tool, 2554 03:28:26.959 --> 03:28:31.479 almost always related to control to be able to generate well- being quickly. 2555 03:28:31.520 --> 03:28:37.200 People who perform the cycle of the checkup add up to another malaise consider that 2556 03:28:37.280 --> 03:28:39.159 they are morally not doing well. It' s not right. Don' 2557 03:28:39.200 --> 03:28:43.920 t trust the couple and gossip their stuff without them knowing The idea is to 2558 03:28:45.000 --> 03:28:50.399 determine exactly what tools you have to do. In this way, Lourdes realized 2559 03:28:50.440 --> 03:28:54.159 that she had to abandon her check- up behavior once and for all. 2560 03:28:54.280 --> 03:28:58.639 He found it very difficult, because it' s something that, as you 2561 03:28:58.639 --> 03:29:03.319 know, we end up developing addiction. But he got it every time he 2562 03:29:03.360 --> 03:29:07.559 wanted to control, something resorted to the technique of dead time, that is, 2563 03:29:07.920 --> 03:29:11.879 he completely evaded that situation and began to do anything else incompatible with the 2564 03:29:11.000 --> 03:29:16.920 checkup. For example, he went to the gym, started cooking, went 2565 03:29:18.360 --> 03:29:22.159 to his mother' s house, etcetera. To make it easier for herself. 2566 03:29:24.159 --> 03:29:28.879 He turned off his cell phone and left it in another room. Six 2567 03:29:28.079 --> 03:29:33.440 learn to live in the present. Our mind tends to project us into the 2568 03:29:33.559 --> 03:29:39.280 past or the future. When it transports us into the past, we tend 2569 03:29:39.319 --> 03:29:43.879 to ruminate things that might have been and were not things related to responsibility, 2570 03:29:43.319 --> 03:29:48.639 guilt, failure. We repeat these situations in our head over and over again 2571 03:29:48.719 --> 03:29:52.879 and keep us in a time that will no longer return, preventing us from 2572 03:29:54.000 --> 03:29:58.040 living and enjoying the present when the mind transports us to the future. Instead, 2573 03:29:58.399 --> 03:30:03.079 we imagine possible runs situations that give us fear, but that probably never 2574 03:30:03.200 --> 03:30:09.760 happen. The present moment is the only one that we can truly control to 2575 03:30:09.799 --> 03:30:13.239 return to it. When his head decided to travel, Lourdes set in motion 2576 03:30:13.319 --> 03:30:20.760 the next point seven, practicing physical relaxation seems silly, but eye because it 2577 03:30:20.879 --> 03:30:26.479 can make a difference. Conscious breathing greatly helped Lourdes in her personal work. 2578 03:30:28.440 --> 03:30:33.200 It allowed him to connect with the present and regulate his state of hypervigilance. 2579 03:30:33.280 --> 03:30:39.760 As he breathed rhythmically, his nervous system relaxed and his emotions and thoughts lost 2580 03:30:39.920 --> 03:30:46.399 intensity. Lourdes followed the instructions of several breathing techniques that I detail in the 2581 03:30:46.479 --> 03:30:50.799 box or conscious breath of chapter five, so that you too can put them 2582 03:30:50.840 --> 03:30:56.399 into practice when you need it. Lourdes had to restructure many of her beliefs 2583 03:30:56.479 --> 03:31:00.799 about love and couple relationships. Remember that this information you have in me I 2584 03:31:01.079 --> 03:31:05.000 love you But beyond that, you had to learn to recognize that thoughts had 2585 03:31:05.120 --> 03:31:09.639 an irrational basis and could not be argued in a logical way in order to 2586 03:31:09.719 --> 03:31:16.040 be able to exchange them for rational thoughts. He tended to compare himself to 2587 03:31:16.159 --> 03:31:20.000 other girls. Your coworker' s got a bigger chest than me. I 2588 03:31:20.120 --> 03:31:26.280 ' m sure he likes more rational thinking. Your partner is with you because 2589 03:31:26.360 --> 03:31:30.360 he loves you and values you for something more than your physique. Remember all 2590 03:31:30.440 --> 03:31:33.760 the things he always tells you he likes about you and if he' s 2591 03:31:33.840 --> 03:31:39.360 never asked you questions. Having large breasts can be attractive, but it doesn 2592 03:31:39.479 --> 03:31:43.879 ' t define a person much less, it determines someone' s feelings for 2593 03:31:43.879 --> 03:31:50.879 her. He made many arbitrary inferences, i e he jumped to negative conclusions 2594 03:31:50.959 --> 03:31:56.200 without having any empirical evidence that could support his thoughts. Come on, he 2595 03:31:56.280 --> 03:31:58.959 was making the movie of his life. He' s talking a lot about 2596 03:31:58.959 --> 03:32:03.879 this. Friend, I' m sure you have something else with her rational 2597 03:32:03.879 --> 03:32:09.159 thinking. People can have friends while in a couple relationship. They are not 2598 03:32:09.239 --> 03:32:13.879 exclusive links to each other. Also, talking to someone does not imply wanting 2599 03:32:15.000 --> 03:32:20.239 to have a sexual or partner relationship with that person. Never upload photos with 2600 03:32:20.319 --> 03:32:24.559 me to social media. That' s because he doesn' t want me 2601 03:32:24.559 --> 03:32:28.559 to think rationally. Social networks are not real life and love is shown in 2602 03:32:28.639 --> 03:32:33.200 many other more important and relevant ways than posting a photo on an Internet profile 2603 03:32:33.280 --> 03:32:37.520 that doesn' t show you on their social networks is not enough reason to 2604 03:32:37.600 --> 03:32:43.200 think that your partner doesn' t love you. I was disqualifying the good 2605 03:32:43.319 --> 03:32:48.600 things I had I consider myself an intelligent person, but that' s not 2606 03:32:48.000 --> 03:32:52.000 worth anything, because then my boyfriend talks to other girls and I' m 2607 03:32:52.079 --> 03:32:58.399 sure it' s because they' re more interesting than me rational thinking you 2608 03:32:58.440 --> 03:33:01.879 ' re smart and you have to value all the times you have to be, 2609 03:33:01.879 --> 03:33:01.879 because that' s a good thing you' re going to have. 2610 03:33:03.000 --> 03:33:07.200 Whenever your partner talks to other women doesn' t mean he wants to have 2611 03:33:07.280 --> 03:33:11.120 them as a couple. If he' s with you, it' s 2612 03:33:11.120 --> 03:33:15.760 because he wants to be. If I didn' t want to have you 2613 03:33:15.920 --> 03:33:18.000 as a couple, I wouldn' t be with you. I guessed his 2614 03:33:18.079 --> 03:33:22.959 boy' s intentions. He tells me to go out to the movies and 2615 03:33:22.239 --> 03:33:26.520 have dinner, but I' m sure it' s because I got mad 2616 03:33:26.600 --> 03:33:33.200 at him this morning and he does it to please me, not because he 2617 03:33:33.200 --> 03:33:33.920 really wants rational thinking, even if he does it to please you. It 2618 03:33:33.040 --> 03:33:37.959 should be something you value in a positive way, since it is a way 2619 03:33:37.040 --> 03:33:41.959 of showing interest in you and the relationship. If you want to stick to 2620 03:33:41.959 --> 03:33:43.920 everything, you can do it. It' s easy. You just have 2621 03:33:45.000 --> 03:33:50.479 to attribute bad intentions to every gesture. But why would I have bad intentions 2622 03:33:50.520 --> 03:33:52.799 with you to someone who loves you and is proving it to you. I 2623 03:33:52.879 --> 03:34:00.639 think you can just enjoy and it' s already over generalizing situations related to 2624 03:34:00.760 --> 03:34:05.959 your own emotional state. Today I have fallen back on checking behaviors I will 2625 03:34:07.040 --> 03:34:11.920 always be so I will never get better rational thinking. Just because you' 2626 03:34:13.079 --> 03:34:15.239 ve fallen back today doesn' t mean you' re always gonna be wrong. 2627 03:34:16.200 --> 03:34:18.719 We can all have a bad day, fall back or make a mistake. 2628 03:34:20.799 --> 03:34:24.520 It' s okay. It' s human. When it happens, 2629 03:34:24.239 --> 03:34:26.840 it' s time to get up and go on. In the end you 2630 03:34:26.840 --> 03:34:31.600 ' ll get it, you can' t give up that easily. You 2631 03:34:31.719 --> 03:34:37.200 need perseverance and dedication. For this it is not important to have a broad 2632 03:34:37.319 --> 03:34:41.520 knowledge of the world of emotions in general, but a broad knowledge of your 2633 03:34:43.040 --> 03:34:46.079 emotions for it. Lourdes, if I work to answer the following questions, 2634 03:34:46.639 --> 03:34:54.760 when do those emotions appear that are unpleasant to you. Lourdes' s response 2635 03:34:54.879 --> 03:35:01.760 when I feel that my partner may be hiding something from me which notes Lourdes 2636 03:35:03.200 --> 03:35:07.959 ' s response upset what name you would name them, if you' re 2637 03:35:09.079 --> 03:35:09.879 not clear about it, you could say what emotions it usually relates to. 2638 03:35:11.079 --> 03:35:18.520 That you notice Lourdes' s response jealousy will be afraid. Where Lourdes' 2639 03:35:20.000 --> 03:35:24.559 s response notes on the chest. Feeling these emotions in the chest tells us 2640 03:35:24.639 --> 03:35:28.639 that Lourdes has overactivated the sympathetic system and that it is generating stress. Chest 2641 03:35:28.719 --> 03:35:33.559 pain is a typical symptom of anxiety. Remember that the body generates three, 2642 03:35:33.840 --> 03:35:37.200 because the head interprets that there is a danger from which we have to escape 2643 03:35:37.280 --> 03:35:41.719 or against which we have to fight. This reaction has many senses and we 2644 03:35:41.840 --> 03:35:46.520 take into account that Lourdes' emotions are related to fear. In addition, 2645 03:35:48.120 --> 03:35:52.120 it is known that by inertia, fear activates brain areas capable of activating. 2646 03:35:52.520 --> 03:35:54.319 In turn, the brain area of the IRA, like a desk pendulum, 2647 03:35:54.520 --> 03:35:58.920 is the area of the body in which you feel bad about being in Lourdes 2648 03:36:01.879 --> 03:36:07.639 ' s answer if you know what those emotions are for and what they are 2649 03:36:07.719 --> 03:36:13.159 doing the moment Lourdes' s response appears, fear serves to alert me to 2650 03:36:13.280 --> 03:36:16.079 a danger that I think is happening in this case, that my partner abandons 2651 03:36:16.159 --> 03:36:22.159 me and anger is there to defend me from that danger. Since when Lourdes 2652 03:36:22.239 --> 03:36:30.079 ' s response notes, since I think my partner cheats on me, how 2653 03:36:30.200 --> 03:36:35.879 you think Lourdes' s response is affecting you, condition me to face my 2654 03:36:35.000 --> 03:36:41.000 partner by feeling jealous. My brain relates what happens at that time to what 2655 03:36:41.120 --> 03:36:43.479 I lived in the past, my emotional wound, and how it was very 2656 03:36:43.559 --> 03:36:48.920 painful for me. Now he' s trying to defend me from that danger 2657 03:36:48.920 --> 03:36:52.920 through emotions. My brain considers my partner my source of distress ergo my enemy. 2658 03:36:54.639 --> 03:36:58.239 That' s why I have aggressive behavior with him. You can find 2659 03:36:58.319 --> 03:37:01.799 some way to weld the situation without letting yourself be carried away by emotions. 2660 03:37:03.319 --> 03:37:09.120 Lourdes' s answer. When I identify these emotions, I have to calm 2661 03:37:09.120 --> 03:37:15.000 them before acting How you can regulate their intensity. Lourdes' s answer. 2662 03:37:15.399 --> 03:37:18.639 I can cry and download what I' m sorry for going out and going 2663 03:37:18.760 --> 03:37:24.040 around writing what I think and I feel to see it with another perspective, 2664 03:37:24.600 --> 03:37:28.559 practicing breathing four I saw four script eight you' re going to find out 2665 03:37:28.680 --> 03:37:28.799 what' s in a couple of pages, commenting with my partner what' 2666 03:37:28.799 --> 03:37:33.120 s happening to me. All of that will help me better than to face 2667 03:37:33.159 --> 03:37:39.799 him impulsively or repeat checking behaviors. Evidently, Lourdes gave these answers after having 2668 03:37:39.879 --> 03:37:46.239 been working on several sessions and co- educational emotions. At this point we 2669 03:37:46.280 --> 03:37:50.520 try to learn new patterns of behavior in the situations in which we feel most 2670 03:37:50.559 --> 03:37:56.719 vulnerable. Lourdes learned to calm down before starting a discussion with her partner, 2671 03:37:56.719 --> 03:38:01.600 to express her or mons without fear of feeling that she was doing anything wrong 2672 03:38:01.680 --> 03:38:07.920 and without fear of feeling judged by her partner or herself, not to perceive 2673 03:38:07.000 --> 03:38:11.760 herself as a toxic person, since she understood that the problem was not her, 2674 03:38:11.319 --> 03:38:16.120 but what she had learned in the past, exposing her concerns assertively, 2675 03:38:16.639 --> 03:38:24.840 without attacking her partner eleven to enhance self- esteem. With all these points 2676 03:38:24.879 --> 03:38:28.719 that we worked previously, Lourdes gained a lot of confidence in herself, but 2677 03:38:28.760 --> 03:38:33.840 she still had the most important thing to do with compassion, something that we 2678 03:38:33.840 --> 03:38:39.440 will see in the last chapter, the most magical of the book not the 2679 03:38:39.440 --> 03:38:41.239 traps and she continues to read in order. You' ll see that it 2680 03:38:41.319 --> 03:38:45.680 all makes a lot more sense. Right now, Lourdes is feeling much better 2681 03:38:45.719 --> 03:38:48.680 and we see each other from time to time in follow- up consultations, 2682 03:38:48.799 --> 03:38:52.559 in which we talk about the situations that occur in the relationship and review some 2683 03:38:52.559 --> 03:38:58.319 important aspects. So far, she remains happily paired with Manuel, who was 2684 03:38:58.360 --> 03:39:01.440 of great help throughout Lourdes' s personal work ponto, as he did his 2685 03:39:01.559 --> 03:39:07.440 best to understand her and bring her the peace and confidence she needed, without 2686 03:39:07.520 --> 03:39:15.040 acting defensively or invalidating her emotional state. Conscious breathing, this is something that 2687 03:39:15.120 --> 03:39:18.639 brings us back a lot to the present. We already know that breathing is 2688 03:39:18.760 --> 03:39:24.680 a technique that helps us to relax physically, but it also helps to relax 2689 03:39:24.680 --> 03:39:28.920 our mind. When we breathe consciously, we can stop those thoughts that torment 2690 03:39:28.959 --> 03:39:35.600 us, evade them, and think about what is happening right now, not 2691 03:39:35.760 --> 03:39:41.760 in my head, but at this moment, when we are aware of our 2692 03:39:41.760 --> 03:39:45.840 breathing, our body, and the things around us. We anchor to the 2693 03:39:46.879 --> 03:39:50.399 present like when we get home after a night of partying and unbridled. We 2694 03:39:50.479 --> 03:39:54.360 lay down in bed and everything turns around, but then we put a foot 2695 03:39:54.399 --> 03:39:58.799 on the floor and it looks like we stabilized a little bit. I' 2696 03:39:58.840 --> 03:40:03.760 m in my room. There' s absolutely nothing wrong with it. I 2697 03:40:03.879 --> 03:40:07.040 am not in danger, with which in front of me there is nothing to 2698 03:40:07.079 --> 03:40:11.920 face. It' s all in my head. In the next section. 2699 03:40:11.000 --> 03:40:15.719 I' ll explain a little more about how to work those thoughts that torment 2700 03:40:15.719 --> 03:40:20.760 you. But now let' s see how to practice breathing. Conscious of 2701 03:40:20.840 --> 03:40:24.319 the technique of the four script, four script eight. Here are the steps 2702 03:40:24.399 --> 03:40:31.000 to carry out this simple technique. Step one, take air from your nose 2703 03:40:31.120 --> 03:40:37.200 slowly until you fill your lungs. You can count four seconds during the process, 2704 03:40:37.760 --> 03:40:43.079 don' t lift your chest, expand your abdomen outwards. Step two, 2705 03:40:43.600 --> 03:40:50.479 hold the air for four seconds. Keep your abdomen swollen. Step three, 2706 03:40:50.959 --> 03:40:56.079 slowly eject the air through the mouth. You can count eight seconds while 2707 03:40:56.159 --> 03:41:01.879 you do it during the process of zincha the abdos trick to perfect. The 2708 03:41:03.000 --> 03:41:09.799 technique performs the lying place hands above the abdomen to notice how it goes up 2709 03:41:09.920 --> 03:41:15.840 and down. An interesting variation of this technique is to place a candle lit 2710 03:41:15.920 --> 03:41:22.079 in front of you at an equivalent distance along your arm. Exercise is to 2711 03:41:22.200 --> 03:41:26.959 prevent the flame from turning off. This allows you to better control the inlet 2712 03:41:26.120 --> 03:41:33.360 and exit of the air. The magic word can also associate the state of 2713 03:41:33.399 --> 03:41:37.760 relaxation with a word choose a magic word that will help you decrease anxiety. 2714 03:41:39.280 --> 03:41:46.079 I usually use the English word relax. Then follow the next steps. One 2715 03:41:46.319 --> 03:41:52.360 sit down and try to relax two. Take a deep breath, keep the 2716 03:41:52.399 --> 03:41:58.000 air in your lungs and slowly eject three as you breathe out. Imagine in 2717 03:41:58.120 --> 03:42:05.239 detail how your body and muscles are relaxing completely. Four, re- inspire 2718 03:42:05.360 --> 03:42:09.559 deeply and in the next aspiration say very slowly for your insides the word relax. 2719 03:42:11.159 --> 03:42:16.600 Five, when you get to x, you must have gone all over 2720 03:42:16.000 --> 03:42:20.479 your body mentally relaxing it. Six, repeat the exercise every time you get 2721 03:42:20.600 --> 03:42:24.680 a chance. You will see that, little by little your magic word becomes 2722 03:42:24.760 --> 03:42:31.840 more effective so that it serves in emotions, so that, as lords, 2723 03:42:31.559 --> 03:42:35.799 you can train in the handling of your emotions. I' m going to 2724 03:42:35.879 --> 03:42:41.879 leave you here an essential knowledge the goal of each of the basic emotions in 2725 03:42:41.959 --> 03:42:46.120 my book Love Your Sex You have a wheel where each and every secondary emotion 2726 03:42:46.200 --> 03:42:50.120 such as jealousy, frustration, humiliation, guilt, etcetera, appears related to 2727 03:42:50.120 --> 03:42:58.200 their primary or basic emotions. If you decide to feel, for example, 2728 03:42:58.520 --> 03:43:01.840 guilt with the wheel, you will realize that guilt is related to shame and, 2729 03:43:01.040 --> 03:43:05.639 at the same time, to the primary emotion of fear. If you 2730 03:43:05.719 --> 03:43:09.479 know what the relationship between the two is for, you' ll always be 2731 03:43:09.600 --> 03:43:11.840 able to determine quite more accurately what that guilt does to your body at that 2732 03:43:11.840 --> 03:43:20.159 time. Fear warns you of a danger allows you to run away anger. 2733 03:43:20.600 --> 03:43:24.559 It activates you in the face of danger, it helps you fight it. 2734 03:43:24.479 --> 03:43:31.479 It helps you set limits sadness, allows you to perform introspection. It helps 2735 03:43:31.479 --> 03:43:35.520 you, in times of mourning, to reposition yourself and look for your place 2736 03:43:35.639 --> 03:43:39.440 in the disgusting world. It allows you, to turn away from those things 2737 03:43:39.520 --> 03:43:46.760 that generate physical or emotional rejection. Surprise can be positive or negative depending on 2738 03:43:46.840 --> 03:43:54.479 the events. It allows you to prepare for unexpected events. Happiness reinforces those 2739 03:43:54.600 --> 03:43:58.760 things that make you feel good so that you repeat them again by catastrophism. 2740 03:44:01.280 --> 03:44:03.520 One of the things that Lourde Wax told me. I don' t want 2741 03:44:03.680 --> 03:44:07.200 to get home early in case she' s with someone else. She took 2742 03:44:07.280 --> 03:44:11.520 it for granted that her partner was with someone else and that any day she 2743 03:44:11.680 --> 03:44:15.760 was going to catch them was, as if she knew Manuel was cheating on 2744 03:44:15.799 --> 03:44:18.559 her and her mission was to discover them. But at the same time I 2745 03:44:18.760 --> 03:44:22.879 would not want for the suffering that that could cause him. With that phrase, 2746 03:44:22.239 --> 03:44:28.799 my patient made it clear that his mind had activated a more common tool 2747 03:44:28.879 --> 03:44:35.440 than you believe in catastrophism. Catastrophic thoughts appear as a defense mechanism. They 2748 03:44:35.520 --> 03:44:39.879 anticipate what is to come in a magnified and apocalyptic way, that is, 2749 03:44:41.479 --> 03:44:46.799 that the brain tends to imagine the worst possible situation. Thus, we try 2750 03:44:46.840 --> 03:44:52.719 to find explanations for something that happens to us, prevent situations and visualize possible 2751 03:44:52.719 --> 03:44:56.799 and catastrophic futures. Most likely not half of what you imagine will happen, 2752 03:44:56.399 --> 03:45:00.520 but as it is in your mind, you live it without dye before as 2753 03:45:00.600 --> 03:45:05.120 if it were something real. With this, the body tends to respond with 2754 03:45:05.200 --> 03:45:09.600 the typical symptoms of anxiety. And this happens because the brain wants to prepare 2755 03:45:09.680 --> 03:45:13.159 us for the worst and be ready for when all that we imagine comes, 2756 03:45:15.520 --> 03:45:20.200 although objectively it may never come the way we think. Therefore, this strategy 2757 03:45:20.280 --> 03:45:24.319 does not serve us much more than to develop anxiety for things that may not 2758 03:45:24.399 --> 03:45:30.040 actually happen. Your brain doesn' t like you to suffer and be anxious, 2759 03:45:31.000 --> 03:45:33.040 but from the moment you think the worst is up until you know what 2760 03:45:33.040 --> 03:45:37.879 ' s really going on, it prefers to be prepared and alert to what 2761 03:45:37.879 --> 03:45:41.680 it thinks is coming. Thus our mind takes advantage of anxiety as an activation 2762 03:45:41.760 --> 03:45:46.280 tool for the analysis of dangerous situations and the search for solutions. My brain 2763 03:45:46.440 --> 03:45:50.920 does this many times. I' ve already given him a degree in Catastrophology 2764 03:45:50.959 --> 03:45:58.280 and the sciences of misfortune, honor tuition. I have this pattern of thought. 2765 03:45:58.360 --> 03:46:01.879 It is very typical in people who suffer anxiety and phobias and is not 2766 03:46:03.000 --> 03:46:07.920 necessarily given out of fear of infidelities, but also for other fears, such 2767 03:46:07.920 --> 03:46:11.440 as fear of death, of being locked up somewhere, of something happening in 2768 03:46:11.559 --> 03:46:15.600 a public place with many people and not being able to receive medical help easily, 2769 03:46:16.000 --> 03:46:18.879 of having a car accident, of suspending exams, of a dismissal from 2770 03:46:18.959 --> 03:46:24.040 work, of having a terminal illness, we spend half our life suffering for 2771 03:46:24.159 --> 03:46:30.639 things that are probably not going to happen. I don' t want to 2772 03:46:30.680 --> 03:46:31.840 get home early in case she' s with someone else. It is a 2773 03:46:31.920 --> 03:46:37.440 catastrophic thought, because in her mind, Lourdes is living the worst possible situation 2774 03:46:37.559 --> 03:46:41.840 that can imagine her partner being unfaithful to her in her own home, a 2775 03:46:41.920 --> 03:46:48.200 territory that she considers a refuge and notice that for more sinri reacts by delaying 2776 03:46:48.239 --> 03:46:50.360 her return home, so the thought not only remains in something ethereal of the 2777 03:46:50.399 --> 03:46:58.840 mind, but also conditions her behavior to work these catastrophic thoughts PS first the 2778 03:46:58.120 --> 03:47:03.319 i n Stins, we explained and then we tried to look for alternatives and 2779 03:47:03.399 --> 03:47:07.200 less catastrophic more rational, as we did in step eight with all the thoughts 2780 03:47:07.319 --> 03:47:13.600 that we analyzed. Some of the questions that helped him to work on his 2781 03:47:13.719 --> 03:47:18.440 catastrophe were as follows. What evidence do I have that this is going to 2782 03:47:18.559 --> 03:47:24.680 happen that I fear Lourdes' answer is none? What evidence do I have 2783 03:47:24.840 --> 03:47:30.239 that what I want isn' t really Lourdes' s answer? My partner 2784 03:47:30.319 --> 03:47:35.280 loves me and proves it to me every day. If this thing that I 2785 03:47:35.280 --> 03:47:41.440 fear happened, what would be the answer of lords would leave my partner even 2786 03:47:41.799 --> 03:47:46.559 if I had a bad time, but I would try to redo my life 2787 03:47:46.559 --> 03:47:48.920 and there is already the paradox of fear. Whenever these catastrophic thoughts appeared, 2788 03:47:50.760 --> 03:47:54.799 he answered these questions and realized that he had no solid evidence to support his 2789 03:47:54.000 --> 03:48:00.559 fear. Another thing that helped her a lot was a phrase that I always 2790 03:48:00.639 --> 03:48:03.399 say in a rather black mood. The truth is, if I have to 2791 03:48:03.680 --> 03:48:07.840 die, then I die and that' s it and we took it figuratively. 2792 03:48:09.280 --> 03:48:13.399 Of course, no one cares about dying, but it' s something 2793 03:48:13.799 --> 03:48:18.200 that if it has to happen, it will happen and no one will be 2794 03:48:18.200 --> 03:48:20.200 able to avoid it. Evidently, you' re not going. Over there, 2795 03:48:20.319 --> 03:48:24.799 playing with death. Huy look, I' m tied up on the 2796 03:48:24.799 --> 03:48:28.040 train tracks, but what I mean is that whatever care you have, however 2797 03:48:28.040 --> 03:48:31.520 much you want to avoid death at all costs. When the time comes for 2798 03:48:31.959 --> 03:48:35.799 you, it' ll come to you. You can' t be all 2799 03:48:35.879 --> 03:48:39.479 the time avoiding dangers, just because life is full of dangers. In the 2800 03:48:39.479 --> 03:48:48.319 end, living means taking risks. We have to live without doing crazy things, 2801 03:48:48.559 --> 03:48:50.959 but we have to live and we have to do it without thinking about 2802 03:48:52.040 --> 03:48:54.319 all the bad things that can happen to us at every step we take, 2803 03:48:54.559 --> 03:49:00.520 because if fear kidnaps our mind, then we will not be living. Even 2804 03:49:00.559 --> 03:49:05.239 staying at home has some risks. That' s why if I have to 2805 03:49:05.559 --> 03:49:11.440 die, then I' m dying. This is very paradoxical to take the 2806 03:49:11.520 --> 03:49:13.479 car thinking I hope I don' t have an accident. I don' 2807 03:49:13.479 --> 03:49:16.159 t want to die. It usually makes us alert and, therefore, more 2808 03:49:16.159 --> 03:49:24.079 clumsy behind the wheel. Fear conditions, however, to think good if I 2809 03:49:24.200 --> 03:49:26.079 have to die, because I die, gives you as more freedom, because 2810 03:49:26.440 --> 03:49:31.920 somehow it frees you from fear. As I say, obviously, this thought 2811 03:49:33.040 --> 03:49:35.920 will not condition you in doing the opposite, which would be very crazy on 2812 03:49:37.000 --> 03:49:41.559 the road, but it serves to free the mental burden from suffering. Your 2813 03:49:41.639 --> 03:49:45.719 responsibility in this case is to seek, follow the rules of movement and be 2814 03:49:45.760 --> 03:49:48.440 a good citizen. As long as you do that, nothing has to happen. 2815 03:49:50.319 --> 03:49:54.159 Urdes was very funny about this phrase and applied it to his fear, 2816 03:49:54.440 --> 03:49:58.879 so every time he noticed that anxiety took hold of it he said if I 2817 03:49:58.319 --> 03:50:03.200 have to die, for I die, that is, if my partner cheats 2818 03:50:03.319 --> 03:50:07.799 on me, then I put them on. If it has to happen, 2819 03:50:07.559 --> 03:50:11.680 it will pass. I can' t help it. My only responsibility is 2820 03:50:11.760 --> 03:50:16.079 to take care of my relationship. As much as I control what my partner 2821 03:50:16.159 --> 03:50:20.559 does or stops doing. This behavior is not going to rid me of an 2822 03:50:20.559 --> 03:50:26.440 infidelity and if it happens I will stop and stop and seriously. This applies 2823 03:50:26.479 --> 03:50:35.520 to virtually any fear of intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are unpleasant, unwanted and 2824 03:50:35.600 --> 03:50:39.200 involuntary ideas or images that appear in the mind spontaneously and are unrelated to other 2825 03:50:39.280 --> 03:50:48.079 thoughts and activities. Sometimes they are even contrary to their own principles. People 2826 03:50:48.159 --> 03:50:52.639 who suffer from it, who are many, often feel a lot of fear 2827 03:50:52.719 --> 03:50:58.719 and anguish and relate that such thoughts are frightening, obsessive, or disturbing and 2828 03:50:58.840 --> 03:51:01.120 that they can do nothing to avoid what or what they may control. Often 2829 03:51:01.200 --> 03:51:05.879 these people have the feeling of becoming crazy, given the level of physiological, 2830 03:51:07.000 --> 03:51:11.440 behavioral, emotional and cognitive activation that introsive thinking provokes them, but nothing further 2831 03:51:13.479 --> 03:51:20.639 from reality. Precisely being aware of that state is an indicator of good prognosis. 2832 03:51:22.120 --> 03:51:26.399 Some intrusive thoughts are related to attacks on a loved one, sexual behavior 2833 03:51:26.520 --> 03:51:31.760 or crimes. These are things that you know perfectly well that you would never 2834 03:51:31.840 --> 03:51:37.520 do, but whose idea appears spontaneously and just thinking about it causes a lot 2835 03:51:37.520 --> 03:51:41.959 of discomfort. Another case of jealousy on this retrospective occasion is that of Jesus, 2836 03:51:43.440 --> 03:51:46.680 a forty- two- year- old boy married to Sonia of forty. 2837 03:51:46.680 --> 03:51:50.120 He had been 17 years, practically from the beginning of the relationship, 2838 03:51:50.920 --> 03:51:54.040 feeling the retrospectives of an ex of his partner, because one day he told 2839 03:51:54.120 --> 03:51:58.200 her he reminded him a little bit. Since then, Jesus’ head has 2840 03:51:58.280 --> 03:52:03.840 not stopped spinning. He researched Alex saw pictures of him and began to feel 2841 03:52:05.040 --> 03:52:09.680 that this person was prettier, smarter and more interesting than him. My patient 2842 03:52:09.760 --> 03:52:13.680 told me that although their current relationship was very good and Sonia was a love, 2843 03:52:13.920 --> 03:52:22.280 he felt quite insecure when these thoughts appeared. When I feel that jealousy 2844 03:52:22.360 --> 03:52:26.159 for no reason, I show myself distant, I tell myself about it. 2845 03:52:26.559 --> 03:52:28.600 Sonia realizes and tells me again the same thing she always tells me to calm 2846 03:52:28.680 --> 03:52:33.760 me down, but at that moment it doesn' t help me. Although 2847 03:52:33.840 --> 03:52:39.600 Sonia was being great the accompaniment Jesus did not feel calm. That was because 2848 03:52:39.680 --> 03:52:43.399 he had never done personal work, which was the piece of puzzle he lacked. 2849 03:52:46.399 --> 03:52:50.559 When I start to think, horrible images come to my head that I 2850 03:52:50.639 --> 03:52:58.760 wish I didn' t have how I asked how I imagine them in bed 2851 03:52:58.840 --> 03:53:01.559 and when those thoughts come to you, they just do it, or there 2852 03:53:01.639 --> 03:53:09.319 ' s some stimulus that shoots them come alone. He fell apart, had 2853 03:53:09.399 --> 03:53:13.280 been struggling with those thoughts for years and no longer knew what to do so 2854 03:53:13.360 --> 03:53:16.319 that his head wouldn' t show them to him anymore. It was recomposed 2855 03:53:16.479 --> 03:53:20.079 as it could and continued, although I must confess that they were not always 2856 03:53:20.079 --> 03:53:26.200 spontaneous. It all started with comparisons and whole afternoons consciously feedback this whole move. 2857 03:53:28.719 --> 03:53:31.399 Well, that' s where we had the key. This seemed to 2858 03:53:31.479 --> 03:53:35.520 be a complicated case, bearing in mind that rumination was something that had been 2859 03:53:35.639 --> 03:53:39.600 going on for a long time, so it probably took the stripe at first 2860 03:53:39.639 --> 03:53:43.959 and turned around it was a habit that had been generated over the years, 2861 03:53:43.360 --> 03:53:50.680 giving rise to a mechanism more than automated intruding thoughts. Jesus and I were 2862 03:53:50.799 --> 03:53:54.680 working many of the techniques you' ve already seen, but as far as 2863 03:53:54.719 --> 03:53:58.799 intrusive thoughts were concerned, there was a tool that served him a lot or 2864 03:53:58.840 --> 03:54:03.760 or or prayed them without realizing it. Every time I paid attention to them, 2865 03:54:05.280 --> 03:54:09.840 we were strengthened to worry about intrusive thoughts and thus to try to control 2866 03:54:09.920 --> 03:54:13.799 or prevent them. It was worse because it was giving the phenomenon more importance 2867 03:54:13.840 --> 03:54:20.200 than it had. Those thoughts lacked logical content. They didn' t serve 2868 03:54:20.319 --> 03:54:24.040 him at all in real life. The more he listened to them, the 2869 03:54:24.120 --> 03:54:28.559 worse he felt and the stronger they appeared later. Jesus should stop paying attention 2870 03:54:28.639 --> 03:54:33.639 to them, not without first working on the emotional burden with which he had 2871 03:54:33.639 --> 03:54:37.239 associated them. His emotional wound. In his case, this had to do 2872 03:54:37.280 --> 03:54:43.319 with the control he learned to exercise over himself throughout his life. He always 2873 03:54:43.399 --> 03:54:48.040 felt little and though he had never experienced a breakup or infidelity before. As 2874 03:54:48.159 --> 03:54:52.719 Lourdes grew up with very demanding parents, they wanted their son to be someone 2875 03:54:52.799 --> 03:54:56.399 of benefit, so, with all the love in the world and thinking they 2876 03:54:56.479 --> 03:55:01.639 were doing him a favor, they tightened his nuts more than once. Indeed, 2877 03:55:03.079 --> 03:55:07.200 Jesus went to a man of profit. He ended up working as a 2878 03:55:07.280 --> 03:55:09.840 surgeon in a very prestigious hospital, but not without paying a price. The 2879 03:55:09.959 --> 03:55:16.639 obsession with controlling their environment resorted to this tool in order to be meticulous in 2880 03:55:16.760 --> 03:55:20.520 their studies. He considered that controlling everything was part of his professional success. 2881 03:55:20.879 --> 03:55:26.159 So, well, it wasn' t that bad either. The problem was 2882 03:55:26.200 --> 03:55:31.239 that I was using the same mechanism to generate mental tranquility, something that never 2883 03:55:31.360 --> 03:55:37.239 came because, as you can imagine, that tool was no longer useful, 2884 03:55:37.559 --> 03:55:43.479 because it is not the same to handle emotions as surgical instruments. His Mind 2885 03:55:43.559 --> 03:55:48.319 was trying to control all the information at all times and when things didn' 2886 03:55:48.399 --> 03:55:50.840 t go as he hoped, it would fall apart. If his mind did 2887 03:55:50.920 --> 03:55:54.920 not shut up when he wanted it or his anxiety could be very upset. 2888 03:55:56.000 --> 03:55:58.639 This in psychology is called the discomfort of discomfort, that is, you no 2889 03:55:58.719 --> 03:56:01.760 longer feel bad about what happens to you, but for not knowing how to 2890 03:56:01.879 --> 03:56:07.159 manage what happens to you. Jesus, these thoughts have the weight you want 2891 03:56:07.239 --> 03:56:13.559 to give them. He looked at me with a skeptical face and I laughed 2892 03:56:13.559 --> 03:56:16.639 at him. I know you' re wrong, and it' s normal 2893 03:56:16.680 --> 03:56:18.840 to be wrong after everything you' ve told me about. But you' 2894 03:56:18.920 --> 03:56:20.959 ve come to feel good and be able to handle these situations. No, 2895 03:56:22.040 --> 03:56:26.760 you have to listen to me in your head. There' s one thing 2896 03:56:26.840 --> 03:56:31.319 that' s real right now and it' s whatever you' re thinking 2897 03:56:31.319 --> 03:56:35.959 I don' t understand you. He managed to say yes, the brain 2898 03:56:35.959 --> 03:56:39.879 does not distinguish between reality and fiction. So, he thinks all the moves 2899 03:56:39.000 --> 03:56:45.079 you get in your head are real. You' ve ever had a hard 2900 03:56:45.200 --> 03:56:50.440 time watching a scary movie. Yes, he responded attentively with a look that 2901 03:56:50.520 --> 03:56:54.319 gave up waiting to see where he wanted to go with that conversation. Well, 2902 03:56:54.680 --> 03:56:58.319 that' s because your mind thinks what' s happening on the screen 2903 03:56:58.440 --> 03:57:03.879 is real. But not only that. I' m going to explain what 2904 03:57:03.000 --> 03:57:09.239 your head does in these situations with a metaphor Vale got into his chair, 2905 03:57:11.040 --> 03:57:13.520 leaned his elbows on the table and stared at the folio in which I clumsily 2906 03:57:13.600 --> 03:57:20.719 started drawing a car. Imagine that your mind is a highway through which thousands 2907 03:57:20.840 --> 03:57:26.680 of cars pass a day. These cars are actually thoughts. You know how 2908 03:57:26.760 --> 03:57:33.719 many go through the day on our highway twenty- six thousand, but we 2909 03:57:33.760 --> 03:57:39.680 only look at two or three. Why you' ll see we have a 2910 03:57:41.079 --> 03:57:43.879 kind of barrier like on highways, it really filters that cars are more or 2911 03:57:45.040 --> 03:57:48.680 less important. If you fix your attention on a particular car, for example, 2912 03:57:50.040 --> 03:57:52.559 the blue one, the rest will give you the same. Imagine that 2913 03:57:52.639 --> 03:57:56.319 you are on the journey, attentive to the cars that pass and cross the 2914 03:57:56.479 --> 03:58:00.920 blue car for the first time. It is a very nice color and, 2915 03:58:01.440 --> 03:58:05.680 as you like it very much, you decide to stop it by lowering the 2916 03:58:05.760 --> 03:58:09.280 barrier and you start to observe all the details of the car. You turn 2917 03:58:09.319 --> 03:58:15.280 around and think oh leather seats and white body. I love it. You 2918 03:58:15.360 --> 03:58:20.440 ' ve got six gears. What happened when you think you' re done 2919 03:58:20.520 --> 03:58:24.840 reviewing it, you climb up the barrier and let it go a lot of 2920 03:58:24.879 --> 03:58:30.600 cars of all colors, orange, red, green, white. But those 2921 03:58:30.719 --> 03:58:33.559 guys don' t break down the barrier,' cause you like blue. 2922 03:58:33.479 --> 03:58:39.559 When you see a blue car approaching the toll again, you prepare and lower 2923 03:58:39.600 --> 03:58:45.200 the barrier again to stop it. You seemed to have seen it all before, 2924 03:58:46.159 --> 03:58:50.479 but apparently you still have some more details left to analyze. Once you 2925 03:58:50.559 --> 03:58:54.120 ' ve gone over it again from top to bottom, you climb up the 2926 03:58:54.200 --> 03:58:58.120 barrier and let the car continue its path. This process can be repeated so 2927 03:58:58.200 --> 03:59:03.280 foolishly. As you wish, the car is just a car, but you, 2928 03:59:03.879 --> 03:59:07.280 every time you stop it, are giving it a different sense, which 2929 03:59:07.399 --> 03:59:11.719 makes every time you see it coming you feel the need to lower the barrier. 2930 03:59:13.760 --> 03:59:16.799 Remember that the blue car is the thought you' ve given emotional content 2931 03:59:16.879 --> 03:59:22.840 to, but you decide and lower the barrier or not, so I have 2932 03:59:22.920 --> 03:59:28.840 to stop lowering the barrier. Exactly. The more times you stop that empty 2933 03:59:28.959 --> 03:59:33.840 thought and the more turns you give it, the more emotional burden it will 2934 03:59:33.959 --> 03:59:35.680 bring and the more times it will be repeated. You think the brain would 2935 03:59:35.760 --> 03:59:41.200 stop to look at a thought that' s not relevant to him. No, 2936 03:59:41.760 --> 03:59:46.719 there you go. After more than a year working very hard and with 2937 03:59:46.799 --> 03:59:52.120 the help of medication at the beginning of therapy, Jesus managed to get rid 2938 03:59:52.200 --> 03:59:56.159 of those blessed thoughts, enjoy more of his relationship and be able to feel 2939 03:59:56.159 --> 04:00:00.920 at peace with himself. It is true that even today he confesses to me 2940 04:00:00.959 --> 04:00:03.000 that from time to time he still smells the blue car in the distance and 2941 04:00:03.079 --> 04:00:07.840 that, although on some occasion he has lowered the barrier, most of the 2942 04:00:07.920 --> 04:00:11.440 times he lets it pass without interacting with him as a professional. I have 2943 04:00:11.520 --> 04:00:16.840 to say that I am very proud of Jesus the emotional wound of the other. 2944 04:00:18.360 --> 04:00:22.120 Let' s see now the case of a couple of camila girls and 2945 04:00:22.479 --> 04:00:26.879 I decided twenty- six and twenty- eight years respectively, who came to 2946 04:00:26.879 --> 04:00:31.040 my office. In this case it looks great how some tools save you at 2947 04:00:31.120 --> 04:00:33.559 some point in your life, but over time and in other very different circumstances 2948 04:00:33.639 --> 04:00:41.120 they end up becoming a problem in themselves. They both came to my office 2949 04:00:41.239 --> 04:00:46.159 to discuss their relationship as a couple, so I was able to analyze they 2950 04:00:46.239 --> 04:00:50.360 handled their discussions very badly, whatever the issue would trigger their anger. Neither 2951 04:00:50.440 --> 04:00:54.920 managed to understand the other. Each was obsessing in their own opinions and loved 2952 04:00:56.079 --> 04:01:01.760 acting defensively. When I treated them separately, I could learn their respective pre 2953 04:01:01.920 --> 04:01:07.959 - relationship stories. Camila had had a toxic and dependent relationship years before she 2954 04:01:07.040 --> 04:01:11.719 had made her develop an evasive attachment and I will say she was a person 2955 04:01:11.799 --> 04:01:16.600 charged with a lot of insecurity and fears due to the anxious attachment she had 2956 04:01:16.680 --> 04:01:24.559 developed since childhood because of the ambivalent relationship she had with her parents before she 2957 04:01:24.639 --> 04:01:28.920 met I would say she had learned to distrust everyone and Camila to be defensive 2958 04:01:28.040 --> 04:01:33.399 about anything that could hurt her one day, I witnessed one of her discussions 2959 04:01:33.440 --> 04:01:37.559 and came to a conclusion that she undoubtedly marked even before and after in the 2960 04:01:37.559 --> 04:01:41.280 couple. Activating her emotional wounds every time they argued was what separated her. 2961 04:01:41.959 --> 04:01:48.520 More and more I will say exposed in a session an insecurity that Camila generated 2962 04:01:48.559 --> 04:01:52.239 unconsciously. Every time she got angry with her, she stopped talking to her 2963 04:01:52.399 --> 04:01:56.280 for a few hours, and that made me decide to be afraid because it 2964 04:01:56.399 --> 04:02:01.120 made her think Camila was thinking of leaving the relationship. In this way, 2965 04:02:01.520 --> 04:02:05.920 the wound of decision would wake up and his brain would throw away imagination that 2966 04:02:05.000 --> 04:02:07.799 his partner would remain silent for so many hours. He had the warning system 2967 04:02:07.840 --> 04:02:13.920 activated for possible abandonment. It gave the emotional inconsistency of the parents I had 2968 04:02:13.959 --> 04:02:18.440 grown up with. Saying, I' d learned that people who love you 2969 04:02:18.520 --> 04:02:22.680 one day can be there and the next day they won' t. After 2970 04:02:22.760 --> 04:02:26.680 the account of Camila decided, he became angry. I just need that time 2971 04:02:26.760 --> 04:02:31.200 to calm down. I do it with the best intention, and he takes 2972 04:02:31.280 --> 04:02:37.959 it that way. Camila undoubtedly felt attacked during the years of toxic relationship with 2973 04:02:37.040 --> 04:02:43.000 her partner. He had learned to protect himself emotionally, fleeing conflict situations. 2974 04:02:43.479 --> 04:02:48.280 Her ex manipulated her and carried in her all the problems that arose in the 2975 04:02:48.360 --> 04:02:52.120 relationship that they said. I didn' t understand I needed that space. 2976 04:02:52.239 --> 04:02:56.280 It made him feel responsible for something that he could not control in any other 2977 04:02:56.280 --> 04:02:58.719 way and, therefore, also activate his emotional wound and get defensive, showing 2978 04:02:58.760 --> 04:03:05.040 weariness for the situation. This, in turn, further fed the idea of 2979 04:03:05.159 --> 04:03:13.120 saying that it could be abandoned. And so to infinity I transferred my conclusion 2980 04:03:13.239 --> 04:03:18.680 to them. Girls, you realize that you activate each other the emotional wounds 2981 04:03:18.760 --> 04:03:24.559 of the past. They both shut up instantly and looked at me seriously. 2982 04:03:24.680 --> 04:03:28.879 Every time you argue, you do it from your pain, without understanding the 2983 04:03:28.959 --> 04:03:37.920 pain of those facing a reflective silence reigned for several seconds. You know the 2984 04:03:37.079 --> 04:03:41.799 past of the other, but do not understand how it is influencing you in 2985 04:03:41.799 --> 04:03:46.479 the present. I continued Every time you argue, look at only your own 2986 04:03:46.639 --> 04:03:50.760 navel and forget that you have someone in front of you who has also suffered 2987 04:03:50.760 --> 04:03:54.799 not without consequences. With your behavior you activate your deepest fears and react to 2988 04:03:54.840 --> 04:03:58.399 the present conflict as if it were that of the past. The same emotions, 2989 04:03:58.440 --> 04:04:03.120 s s s ns, the same defense mechanisms. I will say your 2990 04:04:03.239 --> 04:04:11.200 partner is not your parents, Camila, your partner is not your ex both 2991 04:04:11.719 --> 04:04:16.719 kept quiet after a while of sirea, felt and whispered. How I can 2992 04:04:16.840 --> 04:04:22.840 react otherwise is not up to you alone. Camila has to do her part. 2993 04:04:24.680 --> 04:04:28.120 They bowed to me attentively and I began to talk to them about the 2994 04:04:28.159 --> 04:04:33.920 importance of empathy in a relationship, whatever kind it may be without the ability 2995 04:04:33.000 --> 04:04:37.360 to understand each other' s pain. We can' t have healthy relationships. 2996 04:04:39.040 --> 04:04:41.799 Camila had the right to take her time of reflection after a discussion that 2997 04:04:41.920 --> 04:04:46.639 she didn' t want to get worse with her strong temper, but knowing 2998 04:04:46.719 --> 04:04:50.600 that that caused fear in her partner, it was her responsibility to communicate what 2999 04:04:50.680 --> 04:04:54.360 she was going to do so that she decided not to think the worst as 3000 04:04:54.360 --> 04:04:58.319 long as she stayed away. By communicating it, it would generate the sense 3001 04:04:58.360 --> 04:05:01.920 of stability in the relationship I decided to need and over time it would understand 3002 04:05:03.000 --> 04:05:05.879 that an angry Camila didn' t have to mean the end of the relationship. 3003 04:05:07.399 --> 04:05:11.200 The solution was easy and difficult at the same time because both had learned 3004 04:05:11.319 --> 04:05:16.079 to protect themselves from emotional suffering, each with different tools, say, putting 3005 04:05:16.159 --> 04:05:20.600 in place hypersurveillance and adopting alert and camilla behaviors, getting defensive and having bursts 3006 04:05:20.680 --> 04:05:26.600 of anger but surely functional at some point in their life. The problem was 3007 04:05:26.680 --> 04:05:31.239 that those tools had ceased to serve and only gave even more feedback on the 3008 04:05:31.239 --> 04:05:37.920 pain. His main task now was not to perceive himself as enemies. The 3009 04:05:39.040 --> 04:05:43.399 importance of empathy in cases where we activate the emotional wounds of the people around 3010 04:05:43.479 --> 04:05:48.079 us, in addition to knowing their history, is very, very important to 3011 04:05:48.159 --> 04:05:54.360 practice empathy. Empathy is the ability to put oneself in the other person' 3012 04:05:54.479 --> 04:05:58.159 s place and understand what he may be feeling in a given situation. This, 3013 04:05:58.159 --> 04:06:00.360 this, this, this, this. It has nothing to do with 3014 04:06:00.440 --> 04:06:03.200 guessing or reading thought, but it has more to do with intuiting what may 3015 04:06:03.319 --> 04:06:09.920 be happening to a person, whether good or bad. Empathy can be applied 3016 04:06:09.959 --> 04:06:13.000 in any relationship, but I think it' s even more logical for us 3017 04:06:13.120 --> 04:06:18.200 to consider putting it into action with people we love. That' s why 3018 04:06:18.239 --> 04:06:24.360 I' m going to give you the keys so you can start working on 3019 04:06:24.440 --> 04:06:28.520 it You' ll see how different your discussions are, whether as a couple 3020 04:06:28.520 --> 04:06:33.920 with friends or with a relative. One listens attentively without interrupting or judging two. 3021 04:06:35.159 --> 04:06:39.360 While listening, try to imagine that you would feel in a situation similar 3022 04:06:39.440 --> 04:06:43.600 to the one that the person is describing to you. Don' t give 3023 04:06:43.600 --> 04:06:46.639 yourself away. In your opinion, try to understand other points of view. 3024 04:06:46.639 --> 04:06:50.079 For you, it' s very important for you, I know, but 3025 04:06:50.159 --> 04:06:52.719 for the person who' s bringing you his vision of things. Their perception 3026 04:06:52.840 --> 04:06:58.239 is also very important. Four, remember that there are as many realities of 3027 04:06:58.319 --> 04:07:03.120 the same fact as two people. Five expresses that you understand what the other 3028 04:07:03.239 --> 04:07:09.360 person is moving you. This is essential for communication, as it is not 3029 04:07:09.440 --> 04:07:13.360 the same to understand and not to say what to understand and transmit that understanding 3030 04:07:13.399 --> 04:07:18.600 seems a minor detail, but remember that the other person cannot guess what you 3031 04:07:18.680 --> 04:07:24.559 are thinking. You can prove your understanding. So it' s normal for 3032 04:07:24.639 --> 04:07:28.159 you to be angry if you saw it this way, this is what you 3033 04:07:28.319 --> 04:07:33.040 ' re going through, it seems very stressful. It had to be really 3034 04:07:33.159 --> 04:07:39.280 hard on you. You must feel very sad. I understand your point of 3035 04:07:39.280 --> 04:07:43.280 view. I, in your place, would be angry, too. It 3036 04:07:43.399 --> 04:07:48.719 ' s terrible. You' re right. I' m sorry you had 3037 04:07:48.879 --> 04:07:56.680 to go through this giving a hug, exchanging understanding looks. Empathy will allow 3038 04:07:56.760 --> 04:08:01.840 us to recognize and embrace the vulnerability of those in front of us and show 3039 04:08:01.920 --> 04:08:05.680 it to others will give us the opportunity to create a climate of calm and 3040 04:08:05.760 --> 04:08:09.879 serenity that is perfect to advance in any relationship. It is the ideal tool 3041 04:08:09.959 --> 04:08:13.719 to feel that we play in the same team. I know it' s 3042 04:08:13.799 --> 04:08:18.120 hard to practice understanding when we' re part of the conflict. It' 3043 04:08:18.280 --> 04:08:22.440 s hard to get out of our pain to understand someone else' s, 3044 04:08:22.680 --> 04:08:24.120 but believe me it' s in these cases that we have to use empathy 3045 04:08:24.120 --> 04:08:30.200 the most. When someone understands the pain we feel, it loses intensity and 3046 04:08:30.280 --> 04:08:35.959 that makes us see things more clearly. The keys to healthy communication, healthy 3047 04:08:37.399 --> 04:08:43.840 communication is accurate and effective communication. To practice it is necessary to take into 3048 04:08:43.920 --> 04:08:48.319 account your own emotions and opinions, as well as the emotions and opinions of 3049 04:08:48.440 --> 04:08:52.559 the other person. The goal is to generate a space that invites expression and 3050 04:08:52.600 --> 04:08:58.799 understanding, one in which neither side feels threatened. To make yourself comfortable in 3051 04:08:58.879 --> 04:09:03.760 the relationship. To do this, we need to negotiate, express our wishes, 3052 04:09:05.719 --> 04:09:09.799 set limits, feel supported and supported, talk confidently about issues that concern 3053 04:09:09.920 --> 04:09:13.040 us, not just feel that whoever we have next door is not our enemy. 3054 04:09:13.440 --> 04:09:20.520 To have healthy relationships, we need to have uncomfortable conversations. Discussing isn 3055 04:09:20.680 --> 04:09:24.040 ' t bad, as you' ve thought all your life, it' 3056 04:09:26.479 --> 04:09:28.159 s no longer worth saying we' re fine because we don' t argue. 3057 04:09:28.600 --> 04:09:33.520 We have finally understood that generating spaces for dialogue is something necessary to continue 3058 04:09:33.600 --> 04:09:37.799 to grow in all relationships. We need to talk about feelings of the future, 3059 04:09:39.200 --> 04:09:41.920 of the past, of longings, of things that hurt and things that 3060 04:09:41.920 --> 04:09:48.079 make us happy. Discussions are opportunities to express discomfort, recognize mistakes, ask 3061 04:09:48.520 --> 04:09:54.040 forgiveness and find solutions. The discussions that are generated within the same team always 3062 04:09:54.159 --> 04:09:58.879 go well for all parties. The ones generated between rival teams never go well 3063 04:09:58.959 --> 04:10:01.920 and only feed the selfishness of one of the parties. But what' s 3064 04:10:03.040 --> 04:10:09.000 the point of having a relationship, then how I was called one of my 3065 04:10:09.000 --> 04:10:13.360 team' s psychologists. You can imagine Bensema playing against Amos wines. They 3066 04:10:13.399 --> 04:10:18.079 are Real Madrid players, but it would be absurd if they tried to face 3067 04:10:18.200 --> 04:10:20.840 each other in the same game, because they would never be able to score 3068 04:10:20.840 --> 04:10:24.840 a goal. However, if masters are perceived as part of a team that 3069 04:10:24.879 --> 04:10:30.440 pursues the same goal and plays together, the chances of winning will be greater. 3070 04:10:31.040 --> 04:10:35.920 Well, in interpersonal relationships, the same thing happens. The mutual goal 3071 04:10:37.000 --> 04:10:41.760 is supposed to be together. Right. In addition, understanding the discussions as 3072 04:10:41.840 --> 04:10:46.120 a space for struggle and self- profit generates much more problems than benefits. 3073 04:10:48.559 --> 04:10:52.959 When we understand conflicts in terms of winning or losing, we learn that having 3074 04:10:54.079 --> 04:10:58.000 a serious conversation is unpleasant. It gave the lack of empathy and assertiveness that 3075 04:10:58.120 --> 04:11:03.639 often occurs in this context. We prefer not to talk about emotions or important 3076 04:11:03.719 --> 04:11:07.079 issues so we don' t have to face something we don' t like. 3077 04:11:07.559 --> 04:11:11.639 The problems become entrenched and, when they burst out, they may seem 3078 04:11:11.719 --> 04:11:16.399 bigger than they really are. If after this have increased your desire to learn 3079 04:11:16.440 --> 04:11:20.159 to discuss in a healthy way. I' ll leave you with some guidelines 3080 04:11:20.280 --> 04:11:26.520 that I consider essential. One looks for a better time in person, in 3081 04:11:26.639 --> 04:11:31.200 a quiet environment and without haste. Expressing anger or talking about important things by 3082 04:11:31.280 --> 04:11:37.000 Whatsapp or similar platforms is never a good option. Two respects word shifts and 3083 04:11:37.079 --> 04:11:41.159 listens. Not to stop talking to the other person is a way to invalidate 3084 04:11:41.200 --> 04:11:46.000 his speech and his way of seeing things don' t comets. The error 3085 04:11:46.079 --> 04:11:50.959 of making one' s own speech without letting the other speak, because it 3086 04:11:50.000 --> 04:11:54.399 will give the impression that you are not even interested in their problem, and 3087 04:11:54.520 --> 04:11:58.639 that will cause a defensive posture on their part. Three, focus on your 3088 04:11:58.719 --> 04:12:03.319 needs and make the ss understand the other person. Remember that to communicate correctly 3089 04:12:03.399 --> 04:12:07.239 you must take into account the well- being of the other when making the 3090 04:12:07.280 --> 04:12:13.239 request. The feeling of being a team must always be present. Four, 3091 04:12:13.520 --> 04:12:18.399 be specific in your requests, focus on the problem, don' t go 3092 04:12:18.479 --> 04:12:22.479 through the branches or chain some topics with each other. If you do, 3093 04:12:22.879 --> 04:12:26.799 the other person can get overwhelmed and have the feeling that you raise many issues, 3094 04:12:26.239 --> 04:12:30.600 which can lead to thinking that the situation is intractable and even respond only 3095 04:12:30.680 --> 04:12:33.600 to part of the conversation, ignoring the part that is important to you something 3096 04:12:33.760 --> 04:12:39.760 that can offend you five criticizes behaviors, not the person, do not use. 3097 04:12:41.000 --> 04:12:46.120 This formula you' re an X and it makes me feel this way 3098 04:12:46.200 --> 04:12:50.920 of saying things directly attacks the other person. On the one hand, it 3099 04:12:52.000 --> 04:12:54.760 makes him feel that he has no solution, because we allude to a way 3100 04:12:54.879 --> 04:12:58.760 of being quite difficult to change, so we risk being answered. That' 3101 04:12:58.959 --> 04:13:03.040 s who I am. So, on the other hand, we are transferring 3102 04:13:03.159 --> 04:13:11.000 responsibility for our emotions. What the other person can do with our emotions we 3103 04:13:11.079 --> 04:13:16.559 risk being told. That' s up to you when we get attacked, 3104 04:13:16.040 --> 04:13:20.319 we get angry, and when we get angry, it decreases the probability of 3105 04:13:20.360 --> 04:13:26.639 empathizing with each other, so we usually respond by attacking, you also better 3106 04:13:26.639 --> 04:13:31.360 use this when you do X. I feel and with this formula we take 3107 04:13:31.399 --> 04:13:35.719 responsibility for our own emotions and make the other person understand that part of responsibility 3108 04:13:35.799 --> 04:13:43.079 has about their behavior, and the behavior is always easier to change. Attacking 3109 04:13:43.120 --> 04:13:46.920 the other person will only drive you further away from the problem, an apology, 3110 04:13:46.520 --> 04:13:52.079 a change and a possible solution. Six, practice sincerity, not syncericide. 3111 04:13:54.399 --> 04:13:56.760 Not by saying what you think as you think. You' re doing 3112 04:13:56.760 --> 04:14:03.440 things. Well, your truth is not absolute. Seven accept. The other 3113 04:14:03.559 --> 04:14:07.280 person has his own emotional backpack and that will make a difference about you and 3114 04:14:07.440 --> 04:14:13.840 your way of looking at things. Eight don' t attribute intentionality when they 3115 04:14:13.840 --> 04:14:18.840 hurt us. We tend to attribute to other negative intentions. But the truth 3116 04:14:18.000 --> 04:14:22.959 is that many times people who have done something that has hurt us didn' 3117 04:14:22.040 --> 04:14:28.600 t have the slightest intention of harming us nine. Don' t let your 3118 04:14:28.719 --> 04:14:31.600 anger talk for you To argue is not to scream, or ironize, or 3119 04:14:31.600 --> 04:14:37.040 use sarcasm. All this can cause a defensive attitude in the other person and 3120 04:14:37.159 --> 04:14:41.520 what he intended to make a safe space can become a hostile space. Ten 3121 04:14:41.719 --> 04:14:46.719 think of the bond that unites you to discuss. Being a team, you 3122 04:14:46.760 --> 04:14:50.760 have to remember that you are. After all, you have a person you 3123 04:14:50.840 --> 04:14:56.959 love very much in front of you. Don' t perceive her as your 3124 04:14:56.159 --> 04:15:00.920 enemy eleven and don' t generalize. It is very easy to fall into 3125 04:15:00.920 --> 04:15:05.840 generalizations. Expressions like you never do anything right or you' re always the 3126 04:15:05.959 --> 04:15:11.079 same are very harmful. We usually say them when we' re angry, 3127 04:15:11.399 --> 04:15:13.719 and that' s just the problem. Imagine that the other person is trying, 3128 04:15:13.840 --> 04:15:16.760 with all his good intentions, to carry out one of the requests you 3129 04:15:16.879 --> 04:15:20.920 made to him days ago. Changes take time, so there will be times 3130 04:15:20.959 --> 04:15:24.559 when I can actually act on that change and times when I don' t. 3131 04:15:26.600 --> 04:15:30.479 If you tell him, you' re always the same, you' 3132 04:15:30.600 --> 04:15:35.719 re ruining all the small advances he could have made in consultation. It is 3133 04:15:35.799 --> 04:15:39.959 very typical to hear this and I always try to correct it, because the 3134 04:15:39.040 --> 04:15:43.719 reaction of the person who receives that comment is always common, because I don 3135 04:15:43.760 --> 04:15:48.959 ' t know what I try to do. Then I step twelve reinforces. 3136 04:15:48.440 --> 04:15:54.040 We always forget this. We focus on criticism and don' t think about 3137 04:15:54.040 --> 04:15:58.840 what the other person does right. A criticism or request for change is always 3138 04:15:58.920 --> 04:16:03.680 more effective when inserted with a reinforcement. For example, Mom, I really 3139 04:16:03.760 --> 04:16:07.799 like that you worry about our wedding and advise us, but we would also 3140 04:16:07.920 --> 04:16:12.399 like to consider other options to see which one convinces us the most. I 3141 04:16:12.440 --> 04:16:18.079 ' m so grateful you made the effort of him. I don' t 3142 04:16:18.200 --> 04:16:21.120 reinforce him, because that must be the case. It' s a real 3143 04:16:22.680 --> 04:16:25.399 thing, too, everyone. We like to be recognized for the things we 3144 04:16:25.520 --> 04:16:30.799 do well and that is also mental health. Thirteen do self- criticism and 3145 04:16:32.159 --> 04:16:36.879 apologize for pride. We have to put it aside. Some examples. Excuse 3146 04:16:36.879 --> 04:16:40.479 me. I didn' t know what I said could hurt you. It 3147 04:16:40.559 --> 04:16:45.600 wasn' t on purpose or thanks, I misinterpreted the situation. Forgive me 3148 04:16:45.680 --> 04:16:53.000 fourteen and Greek too, especially don' t forget empathy. Affective responsibility is 3149 04:16:53.120 --> 04:16:56.319 also to understand that, although I can say what I think or feel, 3150 04:16:57.000 --> 04:17:00.239 I must take into account how the other person can feel with my words. 3151 04:17:02.760 --> 04:17:08.120 Emotional validation before entering into matter you need to know the following. Validating an 3152 04:17:08.159 --> 04:17:14.760 emotion does not mean agreeing with the thought or conduct that accompanies it. Remember 3153 04:17:14.879 --> 04:17:18.760 what thought, emotion and behavior are different dimensions in a person and that sometimes 3154 04:17:18.840 --> 04:17:25.840 there is no harmony between them. All emotions are nourished by some cause, 3155 04:17:26.200 --> 04:17:32.200 known or unknown. That' s why it' s important to validate them, 3156 04:17:32.600 --> 04:17:34.600 because you never know what can be behind them. You never know what 3157 04:17:34.719 --> 04:17:42.120 emotional injuries other people carry. Although we can' t avoid emotions if we 3158 04:17:42.120 --> 04:17:45.959 can regulate them, but think of something we can' t avoid. First 3159 04:17:47.040 --> 04:17:51.719 of all, asking indirectly that the other person quickly get rid of them with 3160 04:17:51.840 --> 04:17:55.920 phrases like you shouldn' t feel like that is unfair, since he can 3161 04:17:56.040 --> 04:18:00.479 ' t do anything about it at the time. Also, while some possibility 3162 04:18:00.600 --> 04:18:03.920 of decreasing the intensity of emotion or of making some immediate thought change by saying 3163 04:18:04.000 --> 04:18:10.079 that phrase, we would be reducing the chances that that person will be able 3164 04:18:10.079 --> 04:18:15.959 to make it, since we would only generate frustration So, phrases like you 3165 04:18:17.040 --> 04:18:22.319 that we saw in I love you don' t work for so much seriously 3166 04:18:22.319 --> 04:18:29.319 either. You' re crying. That' s why you' re so 3167 04:18:29.319 --> 04:18:34.200 overreacted, you little shit. You' re always worried the same way you 3168 04:18:34.399 --> 04:18:37.319 ' re upset about everything, you' re so whiny. You don' 3169 04:18:37.399 --> 04:18:42.079 t have to be like that. Validation and empathy allow us to heal bonds. 3170 04:18:45.280 --> 04:18:51.040 Here are some phrases that will help you validate others' emotions. I 3171 04:18:51.079 --> 04:18:53.120 understand you can feel that way. The weird thing would be that what you 3172 04:18:53.159 --> 04:18:57.280 just told me didn' t affect you. You have a right to feel 3173 04:18:57.280 --> 04:19:03.239 that way. But mine does understand what you feel. I' m sorry 3174 04:19:03.319 --> 04:19:07.360 you feel that way. There' s something I can do to help you. 3175 04:19:07.840 --> 04:19:11.799 I' m here for whatever you need. You want a hug, 3176 04:19:14.360 --> 04:19:18.600 if you need to cry, cry, it' s okay. I know 3177 04:19:18.680 --> 04:19:22.040 I can' t do or say anything now to make you feel better, 3178 04:19:22.360 --> 04:19:23.360 but I want you to know that you can count on me. Whatever you 3179 04:19:23.360 --> 04:19:29.760 need. It' s okay to feel what you' re feeling. I 3180 04:19:29.879 --> 04:19:32.760 can' t imagine how hard it has to be to be going through this. 3181 04:19:33.159 --> 04:19:37.479 I may not agree with your point of view, but I' m 3182 04:19:37.600 --> 04:19:41.440 sorry I hurt you. I' m so glad you' re happy, 3183 04:19:41.000 --> 04:19:44.600 but I want to tell you that this thing that has led you to be 3184 04:19:44.600 --> 04:19:48.520 happy. He hurt me by x. I respect that you feel that, 3185 04:19:48.760 --> 04:19:53.760 although I don' t share it, because my opinion is X and I 3186 04:19:53.840 --> 04:19:57.200 feel and understand your annoyance and anger. I think the other day we didn 3187 04:19:57.319 --> 04:20:02.600 ' t manage it well and I wanted to argue about it. I understand 3188 04:20:02.719 --> 04:20:04.920 that you feel that way, even if I don' t agree with your 3189 04:20:06.319 --> 04:20:08.079 point of view, we can talk about it when we' re both calmer. 3190 04:20:10.559 --> 04:20:14.399 I' m listening. I don' t know if I can understand 3191 04:20:14.799 --> 04:20:15.520 how you feel, because it' s something that' s never happened to 3192 04:20:15.520 --> 04:20:18.760 me. But I want you to know that I' m here for whatever 3193 04:20:18.760 --> 04:20:22.520 you need to tell me. Thank you for explaining to me where your anger 3194 04:20:22.520 --> 04:20:27.200 comes from. Now I can better understand myself I would also like to tell 3195 04:20:27.239 --> 04:20:33.680 you what hurt me about this discussion. I understand that, perceiving the situation 3196 04:20:33.719 --> 04:20:37.520 as you describe it, you were angry, but I want you to know 3197 04:20:37.600 --> 04:20:44.239 that I don' t see him nodding at the other person' s hand. 3198 04:20:45.719 --> 04:20:48.280 You may not feel the same about the problem, but it' s 3199 04:20:48.399 --> 04:20:52.879 also true that we don' t have to feel the same way. I 3200 04:20:52.959 --> 04:20:56.680 ' m here to hear that point of view you have. It' s 3201 04:20:56.680 --> 04:21:02.959 very valid. You let me explain mine now, give your emotions space. 3202 04:21:04.239 --> 04:21:07.840 For me, this isn' t a problem, but I understand that for 3203 04:21:08.000 --> 04:21:11.920 you it is, so you just told me how you think we can solve 3204 04:21:12.040 --> 04:21:17.639 it. If I were in your place, I don' t know how 3205 04:21:18.040 --> 04:21:22.000 I' d feel, but I guess it must be hard. We are 3206 04:21:22.079 --> 04:21:26.159 two different people and it is normal to feel and think different things. I 3207 04:21:26.280 --> 04:21:30.799 didn' t mean to hurt you. I' m so sorry. I 3208 04:21:30.879 --> 04:21:37.559 sensed the situation in this other way and it explains the revenge in the couple 3209 04:21:37.719 --> 04:21:41.200 does not work. I know how hard they' ll have you. Emotional 3210 04:21:41.280 --> 04:21:47.879 injury is the weak point of any person. We can now seem to be 3211 04:21:47.959 --> 04:21:52.799 strong and intelligent that when they remove it, we fall apart. The emotional 3212 04:21:52.840 --> 04:21:57.559 wound is our achille heel. What happens when a injured animal is touched by 3213 04:21:57.639 --> 04:22:00.799 the wound so that it can be cured. He' s attacking you. 3214 04:22:02.920 --> 04:22:07.280 It' s normal because your answer is to defend yourself against the pain caused 3215 04:22:07.639 --> 04:22:10.799 by that manipulation, even if your intention is to heal it in people. 3216 04:22:10.920 --> 04:22:15.440 The same thing happens when someone does or says something that pinks our wound, 3217 04:22:15.520 --> 04:22:19.319 we react to the defensive. This is so in any type of relationship, 3218 04:22:19.719 --> 04:22:26.559 but it is especially relevant in partner relationships. I' ve seen couples who, 3219 04:22:26.200 --> 04:22:30.159 after removing each other' s emotional wounds, have thrown their messes over 3220 04:22:32.200 --> 04:22:36.600 their heads, couples in whom, when one makes some Eastern comment, the 3221 04:22:36.680 --> 04:22:41.319 other reacts vengefully with hints or painful comments. They' re not supposed to 3222 04:22:42.360 --> 04:22:47.719 want why they do that. This reaction is typical for those who carry insecurities. 3223 04:22:49.319 --> 04:22:56.360 These people remain on alert all the time as if they were waiting for 3224 04:22:56.440 --> 04:23:00.239 a danger to appear. At any time they analyze the behavior of their partner 3225 04:23:00.319 --> 04:23:06.559 to detail. They tend to interpret things in a threatening way. That' 3226 04:23:06.639 --> 04:23:10.879 s why they respond to the defensive. This may be due to fears learned 3227 04:23:10.959 --> 04:23:15.079 in the past or fears that have been generated within the same relationship. Their 3228 04:23:15.159 --> 04:23:19.719 reaction is to harm the other person as well, thus seeking justice. If 3229 04:23:19.840 --> 04:23:23.079 you do something that hurts me I attack you too to see what it feels 3230 04:23:23.159 --> 04:23:27.920 like. This attitude is very selfish and makes no sense, since in the 3231 04:23:29.239 --> 04:23:33.399 long run it generates a loop that causes the link to become toxic. How 3232 04:23:33.520 --> 04:23:40.200 you can act in a healthy way so as not to fall into vindictive behavior 3233 04:23:40.280 --> 04:23:44.639 If you are the one who behaves like this. Sometimes we' re not 3234 04:23:44.680 --> 04:23:48.159 aware that there are things that can hurt each other So, the best thing 3235 04:23:48.239 --> 04:23:51.879 we can do is ask you to tell us how it makes you feel about 3236 04:23:51.920 --> 04:23:55.680 our way of treating you and talking to you. Example, I can say 3237 04:23:55.760 --> 04:24:00.440 things that, without my intention, hurt you because I don' t know 3238 04:24:00.440 --> 04:24:03.239 how they can sit you down. That' s why I' m asking 3239 04:24:03.319 --> 04:24:07.399 you if there' s anything I can change about it, you tell me 3240 04:24:07.399 --> 04:24:11.040 because I' d like to know. If it' s you who gets 3241 04:24:11.040 --> 04:24:15.559 that behavior, don' t be angry with the person who' s angry 3242 04:24:15.559 --> 04:24:18.680 with what he said. I know there are times when people behave like this 3243 04:24:18.799 --> 04:24:22.719 on purpose, like revenge, like I just told you, but two don 3244 04:24:22.799 --> 04:24:26.200 ' t argue if you don' t want to, so I recommend that 3245 04:24:26.280 --> 04:24:30.559 if you identify it even and pass on to the other person what you just 3246 04:24:30.600 --> 04:24:37.680 perceived. Example that happened. You' re okay, I' ve done 3247 04:24:37.799 --> 04:24:40.879 something wrong I can' t bother you. Something' s happened to make 3248 04:24:40.920 --> 04:24:45.639 you like this. Say what' s bothering you. Don' t be 3249 04:24:45.680 --> 04:24:49.840 afraid, but say it from love and in a kind way. Remember that 3250 04:24:51.040 --> 04:24:55.000 in this type of behavior speaks the person' s wound, not the person 3251 04:24:55.079 --> 04:25:00.040 himself. Talking about it is a way to set limits. Example, it 3252 04:25:00.120 --> 04:25:04.479 hurt me a lot that you make me this kind of comment. The other 3253 04:25:04.559 --> 04:25:07.799 day, a patient would tell me and it can' t be that she 3254 04:25:07.879 --> 04:25:11.879 gets tired of me because I' m setting a lot of limits. Oh, 3255 04:25:11.959 --> 04:25:15.040 honey, I better get tired of you,' cause you' re 3256 04:25:15.159 --> 04:25:18.360 setting a lot of limits that don' t put any and cancel out as 3257 04:25:18.360 --> 04:25:22.639 a person. It is not better to set limits and if you do not 3258 04:25:22.639 --> 04:25:29.280 respect or bother, get out of there as soon as possible, I ask 3259 04:25:29.280 --> 04:25:32.799 and well, I think it is obvious, but I remind you that sometimes 3260 04:25:32.879 --> 04:25:34.959 it takes time to calm down before starting a conversation. It' s something 3261 04:25:36.079 --> 04:25:40.479 you must also take into account. Now, if not with these, the 3262 04:25:40.559 --> 04:25:42.639 thing goes well, and this behavior is something that one of the two parts 3263 04:25:42.719 --> 04:25:47.959 or both repeats over and over again. I' m so sorry, but 3264 04:25:48.000 --> 04:25:52.120 you must know it' s toxic behavior that can destroy the relationship in a 3265 04:25:52.120 --> 04:25:55.719 matter of time. Ask yourself if that' s really where you want to 3266 04:25:55.719 --> 04:26:00.840 be. Remember that in a couple we have to perceive how to look at 3267 04:26:00.920 --> 04:26:04.000 a team that plays for the same purpose a healthy relationship and not as two 3268 04:26:04.120 --> 04:26:08.760 rivals that pursue opposite goals, because for that it is better not to have 3269 04:26:08.760 --> 04:26:12.680 a couple relationship. Throughout the book he has witnessed the different types of attachment 3270 04:26:12.799 --> 04:26:18.840 that we people possess. We have talked about secure attachment and unsafe attachment. 3271 04:26:19.840 --> 04:26:23.159 We' ve seen the good part and the not so good part of each 3272 04:26:23.319 --> 04:26:27.559 of them. And while it is true that an insecure attachment will pose more 3273 04:26:27.680 --> 04:26:32.760 difficulties in relating to oneself and others, it cannot be considered a disease or 3274 04:26:32.879 --> 04:26:38.200 a problem in itself. However, even though it is not a disease or 3275 04:26:38.360 --> 04:26:42.159 a characteristic that makes good or bad people who possess it, it is advisable 3276 04:26:42.200 --> 04:26:48.120 to work in unsafe attachment in order to establish healthy bonds and become a refuge 3277 04:26:48.200 --> 04:26:53.920 for ourselves and for others. So, to start getting into the end of 3278 04:26:53.959 --> 04:26:59.399 this painful but hopeful personal journey, I' m going to show you the 3279 04:26:59.399 --> 04:27:03.040 difference between the shelter people and the absent people so you see the important thing 3280 04:27:03.120 --> 04:27:10.559 is that they are the first people absent. They are people who, even 3281 04:27:10.639 --> 04:27:17.040 though they are physically, are not emotionally available, as they are often too 3282 04:27:17.120 --> 04:27:21.520 busy with their jobs and problems or too tired to pay attention to your things. 3283 04:27:23.719 --> 04:27:30.959 They may be emotionally unstable, although sometimes they may be present emotionally, 3284 04:27:30.680 --> 04:27:34.079 sometimes not, which makes you unclear when you can turn to them and when 3285 04:27:34.200 --> 04:27:40.200 they don' t usually generate a certain ambivalence. I don' t know 3286 04:27:40.319 --> 04:27:42.879 if the relationship is going well or they don' t have a hard time 3287 04:27:42.879 --> 04:27:48.760 giving recognition. By excess or default, they never get to connect well with 3288 04:27:48.879 --> 04:27:53.639 others. There are people who are absent who sometimes react disproportionately and others who 3289 04:27:53.760 --> 04:28:00.319 may seem insensitive. Example, I guess you fall down and make yourself a 3290 04:28:00.440 --> 04:28:04.680 wound. You' re bleeding quite a lot and they probably have to give 3291 04:28:04.799 --> 04:28:10.000 you stitches, but it' s not serious that a gauze some pressure and 3292 04:28:10.000 --> 04:28:15.360 a quick visit to the doctor. Do not fix how an absent person would 3293 04:28:15.360 --> 04:28:21.799 react disproportionately. Oh, my God, help me call an ambulance. You 3294 04:28:21.920 --> 04:28:27.360 ' re okay, no, no, you haven' t had a wound, 3295 04:28:29.559 --> 04:28:34.120 how much blood can' t be. This is a mess. He 3296 04:28:34.239 --> 04:28:38.120 ' s gonna die, he' s gonna cry, he' s in 3297 04:28:38.120 --> 04:28:42.920 the grip of nervousness. The person with this pattern of behavior obviously cares about 3298 04:28:44.000 --> 04:28:45.959 you, but the situation is not so serious as to make that scandal. 3299 04:28:48.479 --> 04:28:51.879 The problem with this is that you can catch his attitude and believe that what 3300 04:28:51.879 --> 04:28:57.799 happens to you is life or death. How an absent person would react insensitively 3301 04:28:59.239 --> 04:29:03.000 is nothing. Perhaps the person who tells you this doesn' t want you 3302 04:29:03.120 --> 04:29:07.280 to be afraid of what' s going on, but with his attitude he 3303 04:29:07.280 --> 04:29:11.959 ' s having an absent behavior, because he' s not attending to the 3304 04:29:11.959 --> 04:29:15.479 possible emotional needs you have at that time. You may want to cry or 3305 04:29:15.559 --> 04:29:18.280 be frightened, but with your reaction you are not creating the space for you 3306 04:29:18.360 --> 04:29:22.239 to express your emotions and you may feel that you cannot share with this person 3307 04:29:22.280 --> 04:29:27.360 what you really think or feel. As we have seen in this last example. 3308 04:29:27.719 --> 04:29:32.879 Sometimes people who are absent, no matter how well they intend, do 3309 04:29:32.959 --> 04:29:36.680 not know how to reach them because they do not know the way. They 3310 04:29:36.760 --> 04:29:41.360 have their own emotional backpack as a conditioning pack. For this last reason you 3311 04:29:41.440 --> 04:29:45.520 should know that if you feel identified in some aspect as an absent person and 3312 04:29:45.559 --> 04:29:51.040 your intention is good, but you don' t know how to transmit it, 3313 04:29:51.040 --> 04:29:56.319 there is a chance to change. So far you have been able to 3314 04:29:56.399 --> 04:29:59.120 read some guidelines to start with that change in your way of seeing relationships, 3315 04:29:59.680 --> 04:30:02.840 of with or tirs and of perceiving and that others perceive you. But in 3316 04:30:02.920 --> 04:30:06.719 the next section you will find several exercises that will help you more. You 3317 04:30:07.799 --> 04:30:11.440 ' re not alone yet. It is important to note that there are people 3318 04:30:11.520 --> 04:30:18.079 who are absent for reasons that completely escape their will, such as long hospitalizations, 3319 04:30:18.559 --> 04:30:22.079 mental illnesses that prevent them from being emotionally available enough. They already have 3320 04:30:22.200 --> 04:30:26.280 their own addictions to drugs or gambling, journeys thousands of miles away for a 3321 04:30:26.399 --> 04:30:34.559 long time, etcetera. Shelter people are people you feel safe with. You 3322 04:30:34.680 --> 04:30:41.399 can always count on them no matter what you tell them. They' re 3323 04:30:41.399 --> 04:30:45.479 always trying to understand you. They show you their support when they think you 3324 04:30:45.600 --> 04:30:49.920 ' ve made a mistake, accompany you to observe the consequences, and help 3325 04:30:51.120 --> 04:30:56.440 you make amends if necessary. They' re people who never invalidate your emotions 3326 04:30:56.600 --> 04:31:00.319 when they don' t know what to say. They just show you they 3327 04:31:00.360 --> 04:31:07.280 ' re there supporting you. They know how to respect your space, allow 3328 04:31:07.280 --> 04:31:12.399 your personal development, give space to your emotions. Example, let' s 3329 04:31:12.520 --> 04:31:18.280 go back to before you fall down and get hurt. How I' d 3330 04:31:18.399 --> 04:31:25.440 respond to a shelter person and what happened to you. You' re okay, 3331 04:31:25.639 --> 04:31:30.600 we' re gonna stop the bleeding It' s worth how you find 3332 04:31:30.600 --> 04:31:34.399 yourself You need something else. With this pattern of behavior, the person makes 3333 04:31:34.479 --> 04:31:38.360 it clear that he cares about you, leaves room for you to express how 3334 04:31:38.440 --> 04:31:44.559 you are and is available for anything you need. At that moment it accompanies 3335 04:31:44.639 --> 04:31:49.120 you in your emotions, but it does not condition you how I can make 3336 04:31:49.200 --> 04:31:55.000 the relationship a safe place. Having the kind of attachment you have you can 3337 04:31:55.120 --> 04:32:00.760 work your relationships out your way of bonding and responding to intimacy. At this 3338 04:32:00.840 --> 04:32:03.000 point, I imagine you' ve already come up with an idea of what 3339 04:32:03.079 --> 04:32:10.120 makes a relationship of any kind a safe place. Now is the time to 3340 04:32:10.200 --> 04:32:17.559 get to work questions and exercises. I' m going to ask you some 3341 04:32:17.680 --> 04:32:21.799 questions so you can reflect and start practicing. What makes you feel good in 3342 04:32:21.920 --> 04:32:26.959 relationships. Think about safe relationships you have with other people, even animals, 3343 04:32:27.479 --> 04:32:34.239 and answer what situations used to hurt you in your previous relationships. Make a 3344 04:32:34.360 --> 04:32:40.159 list of things that usually open up your emotional wounds. If you don' 3345 04:32:40.319 --> 04:32:42.280 t know what they are right now, you can look at past relationships. 3346 04:32:42.399 --> 04:32:48.600 I insist not only on a couple how you usually react when emotional wounds open 3347 04:32:48.600 --> 04:32:53.719 up. What would you like to do instead of using the same tools. 3348 04:32:53.840 --> 04:32:59.719 Always when someone or something opens your wounds, what are the things that open 3349 04:33:00.120 --> 04:33:08.680 the wounds of your environment family are, friends, what can you do to 3350 04:33:08.720 --> 04:33:15.520 start being a shelter for others. Next, I leave you one of the 3351 04:33:15.639 --> 04:33:22.040 most powerful exercises I know to work emotional bonds. You can apply it in 3352 04:33:22.200 --> 04:33:26.439 any kind of relationship. All it takes is good intent and an empathetic attitude. 3353 04:33:27.439 --> 04:33:32.360 If the relationship in question goes through a delicate moment, I recommend doing 3354 04:33:32.400 --> 04:33:37.520 so in the presence of a professional. It answers the following questions that I 3355 04:33:37.639 --> 04:33:42.759 would like to change from the relationship. Here you can put those things you 3356 04:33:42.799 --> 04:33:48.000 want to change the relationship, not the person' s eye. The recommendation 3357 04:33:48.159 --> 04:33:53.319 is that you allude to specific behaviors. Look at this example. Don' 3358 04:33:53.319 --> 04:33:57.759 t say, I' d like you to be more affectionate if you look. 3359 04:33:59.240 --> 04:34:03.040 This is too general. There are people who receive these instructions and do 3360 04:34:03.159 --> 04:34:07.040 not finish understanding them because they consider that they are already being affectionate in their 3361 04:34:07.159 --> 04:34:14.799 own way and do not know exactly what to do to be affectionate to the 3362 04:34:14.880 --> 04:34:18.560 other person better I would like you to give me more hugs. This request 3363 04:34:18.680 --> 04:34:22.919 is much clearer than the previous one. If you say you want more hugs, 3364 04:34:22.360 --> 04:34:26.360 the person knows exactly what you' re asking if I don' t 3365 04:34:26.520 --> 04:34:27.479 need to be guessing what it' s like to be more affectionate for you. 3366 04:34:30.000 --> 04:34:33.759 Anyway, of course, we all have the same communication skills. If 3367 04:34:33.880 --> 04:34:38.360 you fall into this trap, you can always ask the other person for clarification 3368 04:34:38.439 --> 04:34:41.479 what you mean. When you say you want me to spend more time, 3369 04:34:44.159 --> 04:34:48.560 with you I can change. I here can put that stuff. You can 3370 04:34:48.639 --> 04:34:52.159 change to improve the link in question. Don' t put anything you think 3371 04:34:52.279 --> 04:34:56.759 you can' t fulfill, because that would cause both you and the other 3372 04:34:56.880 --> 04:35:00.319 person to generate very high expectations around your behavior, which in turn could be 3373 04:35:00.360 --> 04:35:06.200 the cause of a feeling of mutual frustration that I like about the relationship. 3374 04:35:07.959 --> 04:35:12.279 This section can be dedicated to remembering certain aspects of the relationship, such as, 3375 04:35:12.759 --> 04:35:17.279 for example, I love when you look me closely in the eyes while 3376 04:35:17.360 --> 04:35:19.599 I tell you the things that are important to me, or I like them 3377 04:35:19.680 --> 04:35:23.840 very much when you hug me unexpectedly. A very frequent mistake here is to 3378 04:35:23.880 --> 04:35:27.840 start reporting that you like to end up focusing on what you don' t 3379 04:35:27.959 --> 04:35:33.000 like and throw a review. For example, I like to spend time together, 3380 04:35:33.400 --> 04:35:36.119 although this would be easier if you didn' t work so hard. 3381 04:35:37.159 --> 04:35:41.080 This space is to take into account the positive things, those by which the 3382 04:35:41.159 --> 04:35:45.360 bond is preserved. The space for criticism and requests for change is a little 3383 04:35:45.479 --> 04:35:49.959 higher. The intention of this step is to reinforce the aspects that make you 3384 04:35:51.080 --> 04:35:53.599 feel good so that they continue to be repeated. When we try to make 3385 04:35:53.680 --> 04:35:57.680 the relationship a safe space, not only do we have to focus on changing 3386 04:35:57.680 --> 04:36:00.639 the bad things, but we also have to applaud the good ones. This 3387 04:36:00.720 --> 04:36:07.200 gives us strength and motivation to grow together that I like about the other person. 3388 04:36:07.639 --> 04:36:12.119 This section is as nice as the previous one. After all the change 3389 04:36:12.200 --> 04:36:15.880 requests we' ve made, he comes to remember that you have a lot 3390 04:36:17.000 --> 04:36:19.639 of good things look and you want me to tell you go up to a 3391 04:36:19.639 --> 04:36:22.720 lot. Self- esteem and I' m a big fan of raising people 3392 04:36:22.840 --> 04:36:27.200 ' s self- esteem. Here you can put things like I like the 3393 04:36:27.240 --> 04:36:30.919 interest you always put in being a better person. I admire your ability to 3394 04:36:32.000 --> 04:36:37.119 learn or make a delicious coffee. I' ll give you two tips to 3395 04:36:37.119 --> 04:36:42.319 carry out this exercise. How can I be a shelter person? You can 3396 04:36:42.400 --> 04:36:45.880 change an unsafe type of attachment to a secure one on a voluntary basis. 3397 04:36:48.040 --> 04:36:51.479 Yeah, it' s not complicated, but it' s not impossible. 3398 04:36:52.520 --> 04:36:56.680 Attachment can change, but it takes a lot of personal work and experiences to 3399 04:36:56.759 --> 04:37:00.080 strengthen it and to help our brain convince itself that it doesn' t have 3400 04:37:00.200 --> 04:37:03.560 to interpret things as it has been doing. It is known that the average 3401 04:37:03.639 --> 04:37:10.680 time for change between some things is four years. I know it seems a 3402 04:37:11.080 --> 04:37:15.080 lot, but believe me when you go into the world of mind time flies 3403 04:37:15.159 --> 04:37:18.599 by, because whatever happens to you in life gives you to work and deepen 3404 04:37:18.720 --> 04:37:25.759 yourself, which makes you more entertaining. There' s one thing you won 3405 04:37:25.840 --> 04:37:30.080 ' t be able to change and it' s your temper, as it 3406 04:37:30.159 --> 04:37:33.560 ' s a biological part of your personality. You' re born with a 3407 04:37:33.639 --> 04:37:37.959 temper and you die with the same temper. It' s innate. This 3408 04:37:37.040 --> 04:37:41.400 means that if you usually react to things very intensely, you should learn to 3409 04:37:41.439 --> 04:37:47.200 live with it. All this, I think there' s nothing wrong with 3410 04:37:47.319 --> 04:37:51.759 being intense. This is intense number one talking to you. I think that 3411 04:37:51.840 --> 04:37:55.560 people who live it all in a very intense way, we have the luxury 3412 04:37:55.639 --> 04:38:00.720 of getting excited with anything, a song, a story, a look we 3413 04:38:00.799 --> 04:38:03.639 also suffer a lot. That' s true. We are more sensitive and 3414 04:38:03.720 --> 04:38:08.319 the least we can be emotionally unbalanced, but learning to live with the intensity 3415 04:38:08.400 --> 04:38:14.319 of temperament allows us to handle those situations so that they do not overwhelm or 3416 04:38:14.439 --> 04:38:18.759 overwhelm us every time they occur to us. Anyway, if there' s 3417 04:38:18.880 --> 04:38:22.360 a part of you that can work and it' s through learning, so 3418 04:38:22.799 --> 04:38:26.119 let' s do it, things that are going to make you a shelter 3419 04:38:26.240 --> 04:38:33.919 person for your partner, friends and family. Staying available if you' re 3420 04:38:34.040 --> 04:38:38.479 a mother or a father, staying available and being available whenever your children need 3421 04:38:38.599 --> 04:38:44.759 it is very important. The smaller ones depend on the older ones. However, 3422 04:38:45.159 --> 04:38:48.439 for the rest of adults you have to remember that you have your own 3423 04:38:48.560 --> 04:38:53.919 life. Staying available does not mean serving everyone 24 hours a day or meeting 3424 04:38:55.000 --> 04:39:00.159 the needs of others. The millisecond is, being available b SNS means showing 3425 04:39:00.200 --> 04:39:03.759 you' re there. If you' re not going to attend to the 3426 04:39:03.799 --> 04:39:07.639 other person directly, promise you' ll be there for her in a specific 3427 04:39:07.639 --> 04:39:11.799 period of time. For example, I can' t right now, but 3428 04:39:11.880 --> 04:39:15.759 as soon as I get out of work at three o' clock in the 3429 04:39:15.840 --> 04:39:18.840 afternoon, I' ll call you that, yes, at three o' 3430 04:39:18.840 --> 04:39:21.360 clock in the afternoon, you call the person. Of course I forgot about 3431 04:39:21.439 --> 04:39:26.639 Lai. It' s not safe person behavior. It' s not worth 3432 04:39:26.680 --> 04:39:30.439 the time span being too long, either, so I' ll call you 3433 04:39:30.520 --> 04:39:34.639 next month and we' ll talk. Nor is it worth supporting the other 3434 04:39:37.240 --> 04:39:41.360 person a few kind words, a hug, a kiss, a caress in 3435 04:39:41.759 --> 04:39:47.200 the hand a look all worth that does watch. Don' t get too 3436 04:39:47.319 --> 04:39:51.080 deep into other people' s problems that we sometimes start by holding hands, 3437 04:39:51.279 --> 04:39:55.400 holding hands and offering to the head. It is one thing to give a 3438 04:39:55.400 --> 04:39:59.000 few words of encouragement and another very different, to make the problem of others 3439 04:39:59.319 --> 04:40:03.400 your problem and look dear. We' re not here to solve anyone' 3440 04:40:03.759 --> 04:40:07.479 s life than ours. We' ve got enough to communicate with you in 3441 04:40:07.479 --> 04:40:12.720 a healthy way. You know how to do this. You have all the 3442 04:40:12.720 --> 04:40:18.200 information. In the sixth chapter he will not resort to games or revenge. 3443 04:40:18.840 --> 04:40:22.400 It' s not worth putting in place stupid love guru tactics of the guy. 3444 04:40:23.799 --> 04:40:26.880 After meeting him, I' m not going to write him until the 3445 04:40:26.959 --> 04:40:30.799 second day so he doesn' t think I' m desperate or I don 3446 04:40:30.840 --> 04:40:33.400 ' t answer him for a while to scratch or to die of wanting to 3447 04:40:33.400 --> 04:40:37.720 talk to me. Or hurt me. He' s gonna find out now 3448 04:40:37.759 --> 04:40:41.639 I' m gonna make him jealous of other people. These behaviors only fuel 3449 04:40:41.680 --> 04:40:51.040 toxicity in relationships to have affective responsibility in the relationship. Affective responsibility is based 3450 04:40:51.159 --> 04:40:53.439 on empathy and allows to care for the well- being of the other person. 3451 04:40:55.439 --> 04:40:59.119 Remember, what you want is to be okay. If both parties work 3452 04:40:59.240 --> 04:41:03.919 for the welfare of the other, you will gain by caring for the other 3453 04:41:04.040 --> 04:41:08.840 person' s discomfort before it becomes too intense. It' s never happened 3454 04:41:08.959 --> 04:41:12.319 to you that you put your movies on your head, but when you talk 3455 04:41:12.439 --> 04:41:15.840 to the other person about it, you realize that there really wasn' t 3456 04:41:15.919 --> 04:41:19.680 any problem to worry about. Or that you' ve banged yourself for a 3457 04:41:19.759 --> 04:41:22.439 whole week spinning a topic that you' ll then settle in two minutes. 3458 04:41:23.959 --> 04:41:29.799 This is what I call the snowball phenomenon. I' m sure you remember 3459 04:41:29.840 --> 04:41:34.439 this name forever. This phenomenon consists of starting by thinking about something more or 3460 04:41:34.520 --> 04:41:38.400 less worrying and ending up with a lot of very worrying problems in the head. 3461 04:41:40.479 --> 04:41:44.439 This activates your sympathetic system and sets in motion all your defense mechanisms. 3462 04:41:45.360 --> 04:41:48.680 You remember when I explained and loved you, I love you what happened in 3463 04:41:48.720 --> 04:41:53.319 the interaction in couples made up of a person with anxious attachment and a person 3464 04:41:53.400 --> 04:41:57.959 with evasive attachment. The latter tended to resolve the conflict by running away from 3465 04:41:59.080 --> 04:42:02.680 the stressful situation and the first, by not being able to talk to the 3466 04:42:02.799 --> 04:42:07.560 other, kept turning and turning everything around. When the evasive returned calmer, 3467 04:42:07.959 --> 04:42:11.639 the anxious one was ready to explode and roll the brown. Well, then, 3468 04:42:11.759 --> 04:42:15.880 this rumination, which made the problems bigger in the mind of the anxious, 3469 04:42:15.240 --> 04:42:21.880 is the result of the snowball phenomenon. Sometimes we lock ourselves in our 3470 04:42:22.000 --> 04:42:26.279 own mind, we turn things around, we poison ourselves with our thoughts and 3471 04:42:26.360 --> 04:42:30.880 when we want to realize it, we' re messing with the other person 3472 04:42:30.000 --> 04:42:34.080 a pyphostium that you hallucinate. She doesn' t even know where the cakes 3473 04:42:34.200 --> 04:42:37.119 come from, but that' s where she' s holding the rain. 3474 04:42:38.159 --> 04:42:44.880 This must be tackled first in order to avoid it and, therefore, to 3475 04:42:44.959 --> 04:42:48.520 avoid conflicts beyond our control. The best thing is to attend to each other 3476 04:42:48.599 --> 04:42:51.680 ' s requests as soon as possible. If the other person has trouble showing 3477 04:42:51.799 --> 04:42:56.759 their emotions. You can always ask, but look if you' re one 3478 04:42:56.880 --> 04:43:02.560 of those people who answer nothing, when really things do happen. If you 3479 04:43:02.639 --> 04:43:06.759 answer anything, don' t pretend the other person guesses. Magically your discomfort. 3480 04:43:07.159 --> 04:43:11.799 If you answer, you will know, don' t pretend that the 3481 04:43:11.880 --> 04:43:15.560 other person guesses where your discomfort comes from. If you hang up the phone 3482 04:43:15.680 --> 04:43:19.319 waiting for me to call you back and not call you, you can be 3483 04:43:19.360 --> 04:43:23.040 angry if you want, but understand that you would have been better off not 3484 04:43:23.119 --> 04:43:26.040 hanging up and that if you don' t get the call back, it 3485 04:43:26.040 --> 04:43:29.119 does well, because it will be respecting your limits. If you leave, 3486 04:43:29.560 --> 04:43:33.040 don' t pretend the other person' s after you. If you set 3487 04:43:33.080 --> 04:43:37.360 a limit, don' t do it with the intention of others exceeding it, 3488 04:43:37.000 --> 04:43:44.200 because then you are never lost, no one will respect your limits think 3489 04:43:44.279 --> 04:43:48.360 and if you have really put it with the intention of not respecting it, 3490 04:43:48.759 --> 04:43:51.240 I don' t know how you see it. You can' t do 3491 04:43:51.360 --> 04:43:56.360 one thing and expect another completely to shoot what you don' t say doesn 3492 04:43:56.360 --> 04:43:59.880 ' t exist. If you have any of these behaviors, without no, 3493 04:44:00.159 --> 04:44:02.799 you don' t get attention when your desire is to receive it. Don 3494 04:44:02.919 --> 04:44:07.520 ' t complain. Healthy communication consists of expressing oneself clearly. These protest behaviors 3495 04:44:07.599 --> 04:44:12.439 make sense in children because they know no other way to express themselves, but 3496 04:44:12.560 --> 04:44:17.520 remember that in adults they are no longer worth it. We want healthy relationships, 3497 04:44:18.200 --> 04:44:22.680 but we keep doing the same things we' ve always done. Yeah, 3498 04:44:22.080 --> 04:44:26.159 you' ve probably normalized these kinds of actions. We' ve seen 3499 04:44:26.240 --> 04:44:30.200 it many times in the movies. The girl leaves and the boy chases her 3500 04:44:30.279 --> 04:44:33.720 because he loves her. But the reality of those typical scenes is that she 3501 04:44:33.840 --> 04:44:37.840 sets a limit and he passes it through the lining and the thing doesn' 3502 04:44:37.919 --> 04:44:41.200 t look so pretty anymore than it doesn' t. This is what happens 3503 04:44:41.279 --> 04:44:51.080 when we romanticize bullying resilience, the ability to overcome difficulties. Personal working time 3504 04:44:51.159 --> 04:44:55.400 to me. In this respect, I flew away, but it was also 3505 04:44:55.479 --> 04:44:57.720 very hard. I' m not gonna lie to you. I cried a 3506 04:44:57.840 --> 04:45:02.279 lot because I recognized myself and some loved ones in many things that I didn 3507 04:45:02.360 --> 04:45:06.560 ' t like, but I' ve always been clear that not everything is 3508 04:45:07.000 --> 04:45:08.880 black or white, that no one is perfect, that the intention is what 3509 04:45:10.279 --> 04:45:14.400 counts and that, after all, I own my own life. That' 3510 04:45:14.599 --> 04:45:19.240 s why I never gave up trying to understand and understand the emotional backpacks of 3511 04:45:19.319 --> 04:45:22.159 others, as well as my own. And for that I was tying up 3512 04:45:22.240 --> 04:45:27.000 the lines of everything I was learning in clinical psychology manuals. When I started 3513 04:45:27.040 --> 04:45:30.959 working on me there was no book that would explain to me with easy words 3514 04:45:32.119 --> 04:45:36.919 that was attachment. Almost everyone spoke in terms that even I had difficulty understanding 3515 04:45:37.000 --> 04:45:41.279 and sometimes explained things that had nothing to do with me. But even with 3516 04:45:41.360 --> 04:45:48.479 the emotional and technical difficulties, I cling to science. I tried to deal 3517 04:45:48.599 --> 04:45:52.240 with everything with resilience, all that process, no matter how painful it was. 3518 04:45:52.599 --> 04:45:56.639 I wasn' t gonna make it come down on me. On the 3519 04:45:56.639 --> 04:46:00.159 contrary, I was going to give myself even more strength to go out and 3520 04:46:00.159 --> 04:46:04.159 change my life, just as I wanted. That information was so powerful that, 3521 04:46:04.319 --> 04:46:08.159 just as he was able to save me, he could have destroyed me, 3522 04:46:08.159 --> 04:46:11.840 too. But I wasn' t willing to live in discomfort forever. 3523 04:46:11.560 --> 04:46:15.240 That' s why I put my batteries on and went my way stronger than 3524 04:46:15.240 --> 04:46:19.560 ever. The information went from being something hurtful to being my best tool, 3525 04:46:22.040 --> 04:46:25.479 resilience. That' s what I want you to work on, because it 3526 04:46:25.560 --> 04:46:26.959 ' ll keep you afloat when you feel like everything' s going wrong. 3527 04:46:27.959 --> 04:46:33.200 That' s why remember to stay optimistic. Yeah, I know this can 3528 04:46:33.319 --> 04:46:41.439 ' t be done There' s always moments and moments, but you know 3529 04:46:41.520 --> 04:46:45.599 what I mean You can have your bad days when you feel bad and you 3530 04:46:45.680 --> 04:46:48.360 don' t want to know anything about anyone. It' s okay. 3531 04:46:48.439 --> 04:46:52.680 Tomorrow will be another day. It' s his thing that you don' 3532 04:46:52.759 --> 04:46:56.560 t lock yourself in that malaise. If you' re wrong today, take 3533 04:46:57.000 --> 04:47:00.919 care of yourself, but tomorrow or the day after pulls forward like the one 3534 04:47:02.000 --> 04:47:03.880 who tries the most to see the good side of things. Trust me, 3535 04:47:03.560 --> 04:47:08.599 everything has a good side. Acceptance, yes, resignation, does not look 3536 04:47:08.680 --> 04:47:14.880 at the differences in the following table. Take your share of responsibility. It 3537 04:47:15.000 --> 04:47:18.279 ' s very comfortable to say my parents diagonal bar, my former diagonal bar. 3538 04:47:18.360 --> 04:47:22.040 My friends are to blame for everything. You' re throwing balls out 3539 04:47:22.040 --> 04:47:26.439 diarrhea. But although in the past some figures or events may have marked you 3540 04:47:26.520 --> 04:47:30.560 causing an emotional wound, you are the owner of your life and you decide 3541 04:47:30.639 --> 04:47:34.479 what you' re going to do with your backpack, keep carrying it, 3542 04:47:34.919 --> 04:47:37.840 while you blame others it will only turn you off a little bit more. 3543 04:47:40.240 --> 04:47:45.840 Remember the importance of acceptance and ask yourself what I can do with this problem. 3544 04:47:47.319 --> 04:47:51.520 Trust your abilities. Thanks to them. You' re where you are 3545 04:47:51.560 --> 04:47:56.360 and you have what you have the tree of self- esteem. I' 3546 04:47:56.439 --> 04:48:00.000 m going to propose an exercise. I call it the tree of anger self 3547 04:48:00.520 --> 04:48:04.439 - esteem. To do this he draws a tree and divides it into three 3548 04:48:04.560 --> 04:48:08.520 parts, the cup, the trunk and the roots. In the cup you 3549 04:48:08.520 --> 04:48:12.040 will write each and every one of your successes, as if they were the 3550 04:48:12.119 --> 04:48:17.759 leaves of the tree, no matter what they are. You don' t 3551 04:48:17.840 --> 04:48:22.599 have to have a Nobel Prize to consider that you have some success, if 3552 04:48:22.880 --> 04:48:25.240 you have it congratulations put it clearly, it' s a triumph. What 3553 04:48:25.279 --> 04:48:29.319 I mean is that any reward can be a success. You don' t 3554 04:48:29.439 --> 04:48:34.040 have to have great things to consider success. Sometimes getting up in the mornings 3555 04:48:34.040 --> 04:48:40.479 and making coffee is already an achievement. You have a career, put it 3556 04:48:40.479 --> 04:48:45.959 on. You got a job, put it on. You know how to 3557 04:48:45.959 --> 04:48:49.200 drive, put it on. You' ve managed to take the step of 3558 04:48:49.200 --> 04:48:55.560 going to therapy. Put it on. Write anything. I want the top 3559 04:48:55.680 --> 04:49:02.439 of this tree to have a lot of leaves on the trunk. It' 3560 04:49:02.479 --> 04:49:06.319 s up to you to write those abilities and abilities that have enabled you to 3561 04:49:06.319 --> 04:49:10.840 achieve those achievements. Do the same as before. Fill the trunk with all 3562 04:49:10.919 --> 04:49:15.360 the skills you consider you' ve developed throughout your life. Skills are non 3563 04:49:15.560 --> 04:49:19.159 - innate things, all those you have learned over time, for example, 3564 04:49:19.520 --> 04:49:27.240 communicating, drawing, dancing, writing, studying, etc. In the roots 3565 04:49:27.599 --> 04:49:33.680 you will reflect the personal qualities that have allowed you to develop the skills necessary 3566 04:49:33.759 --> 04:49:37.159 to achieve your successes. That is, it is time to place in the 3567 04:49:37.240 --> 04:49:42.919 drawing the characteristics that form part of your personality. Here are several examples. 3568 04:49:44.479 --> 04:49:51.400 Brave, persevering, fighting, etcetera. Look at the result you like. 3569 04:49:52.560 --> 04:49:56.040 That tree reflects how necessary your abilities have been to be able to accomplish all 3570 04:49:56.159 --> 04:50:00.040 the good things you have today. That' s why he trusts them. 3571 04:50:00.520 --> 04:50:08.000 Trust you, you have a lot of good things. Be persistent without obsessing. 3572 04:50:10.080 --> 04:50:12.560 The results of your efforts do not come overnight and along the way You 3573 04:50:12.720 --> 04:50:18.599 may fall many times, but always, always get up and go on and 3574 04:50:18.720 --> 04:50:23.799 if what you pursue never comes, you can quit. It' s okay. 3575 04:50:25.919 --> 04:50:29.400 The world does not end life goes on and you can look for other 3576 04:50:29.479 --> 04:50:33.880 things to devote all your energy to, that the fear to which they will 3577 04:50:33.000 --> 04:50:37.599 say is not an obstacle. He tells a persevering person that he has had 3578 04:50:37.720 --> 04:50:41.880 to leave several times in his life and I have had a hard time. 3579 04:50:41.319 --> 04:50:45.080 Yes, and I' ve been frustrated and unhappy, but I haven' 3580 04:50:47.119 --> 04:50:49.599 t died here. I' m here, I' m still fighting for 3581 04:50:49.680 --> 04:50:55.599 those other things that fill me up. Learn from your mistakes. Whoever could 3582 04:50:55.680 --> 04:51:00.479 make mistakes to learn from them said no one is ever sad. But that 3583 04:51:00.639 --> 04:51:06.000 ' s right. We' ve learned that making mistakes is bad and we 3584 04:51:06.119 --> 04:51:08.759 ' ve stayed there. Today, life looks like an exam. If you 3585 04:51:08.799 --> 04:51:15.000 ' re wrong, you' re suspended forever. Does anyone come to this 3586 04:51:15.119 --> 04:51:18.400 world with all that they have learned? Perhaps there is a special being who 3587 04:51:18.520 --> 04:51:23.759 makes things perfect at first wrong is wise, for it is the wise who, 3588 04:51:25.080 --> 04:51:29.400 thanks to the mistakes they make, end up perfecting their knowledge more than 3589 04:51:29.479 --> 04:51:36.400 anyone else. We have given great importance to mistakes, too much, at 3590 04:51:36.479 --> 04:51:40.560 least to generate that fear that prevents us from trying to fulfill our dreams. 3591 04:51:41.639 --> 04:51:45.599 And this also has its origin in childhood. I remember how in school teachers 3592 04:51:45.759 --> 04:51:52.840 gave more importance to failures than to successes. When you did a lack of 3593 04:51:52.840 --> 04:51:56.279 spelling, they made you copy the same well- written word a hundred times. 3594 04:51:56.400 --> 04:52:00.840 That at best, I have had teachers who have taken advantage of the 3595 04:52:00.959 --> 04:52:06.720 ruling to ridicule the student in front of the others. Not only the teachers 3596 04:52:06.840 --> 04:52:11.520 but the adults in general punished the mistakes and ignored the correct ones. Under 3597 04:52:11.599 --> 04:52:15.200 the excuse of this, you should know less about changing times and learning and 3598 04:52:15.279 --> 04:52:22.439 parenting methodologies. Just like I' ve been wrong a thousand times in my 3599 04:52:22.439 --> 04:52:26.759 life. But how nice it is to give you one more chance to be 3600 04:52:26.759 --> 04:52:30.639 able to improve truth. Through my mistakes, I learned that I must be 3601 04:52:30.680 --> 04:52:34.560 assertive with people because, otherwise, I can do a lot of damage, 3602 04:52:34.759 --> 04:52:37.119 no matter how happy I am to stay by letting go of what I think. 3603 04:52:38.560 --> 04:52:41.520 Through my mistakes, I learned that I don' t want to be 3604 04:52:41.560 --> 04:52:47.799 in places or relationships where I feel uncomfortable and anxious constantly. Through my mistakes, 3605 04:52:48.080 --> 04:52:51.319 I learned that manipulating people to love me or to feel wanted is not 3606 04:52:51.400 --> 04:52:55.560 right and is not normal. Even though they' d done it to me 3607 04:52:55.599 --> 04:53:00.040 some time before through my mistakes, I' m going to turn it on 3608 04:53:00.200 --> 04:53:03.279 and I have to keep setting limits. I' m sorry I' m 3609 04:53:03.279 --> 04:53:07.080 sorry. Through my mistakes, I learned that I can forgive, but I 3610 04:53:07.200 --> 04:53:10.080 ' m not obliged to do it if I don' t want to. 3611 04:53:11.520 --> 04:53:15.560 Through my mistakes, I learned that, although I do not forgive certain people 3612 04:53:15.639 --> 04:53:19.080 from my past, I cannot live with resentment either because that makes me settle 3613 04:53:19.119 --> 04:53:23.439 in anger, something that prevents me from being happy in the present. Through 3614 04:53:23.520 --> 04:53:27.080 my mistakes, I also learned one of the most important things than life. 3615 04:53:27.599 --> 04:53:32.240 He has taught me, that I must forgive myself. If I want to 3616 04:53:32.319 --> 04:53:38.000 feel a safe place for myself to forgive oneself, how hard is it to 3617 04:53:38.159 --> 04:53:42.759 forgive yourself? True, when you are flooded with guilt, the charge of 3618 04:53:42.919 --> 04:53:48.720 conscience and why not shame. It is also difficult to make peace internally. 3619 04:53:49.279 --> 04:53:53.200 You want to live free of all that burden, but you don' t 3620 04:53:53.200 --> 04:53:56.880 know where to start. You may look over and over again at the things 3621 04:53:57.000 --> 04:54:02.159 you mentally review every one of these that you screwed up or hurt someone and 3622 04:54:02.279 --> 04:54:07.319 even blame yourself for thinking I was stupid or how I could do something like 3623 04:54:07.400 --> 04:54:11.080 that or let them do this to me. Why the mind does that and, 3624 04:54:12.159 --> 04:54:18.680 most importantly, why it seems to crush you. Maybe these questions can 3625 04:54:18.720 --> 04:54:23.560 mark the exit box. The answers to our pain are almost always in ourselves. 3626 04:54:25.479 --> 04:54:32.119 All we have to do is ask ourselves the right questions We can become 3627 04:54:33.560 --> 04:54:37.119 our worst chatters. You' ve ever watched how you treat yourself and talk 3628 04:54:37.200 --> 04:54:44.319 to yourself. Often our internal dialogue is very negative. Then you have some 3629 04:54:44.400 --> 04:54:51.720 of the most typical phrases and expressions. What a fool you are You' 3630 04:54:51.720 --> 04:54:56.400 re a mess. How you didn' t notice. You should have said 3631 04:54:56.599 --> 04:55:03.759 this another one. You' re worthless. Now you' re holding on 3632 04:55:03.759 --> 04:55:07.319 because of you. This didn' t go well. They ring a bell. 3633 04:55:08.319 --> 04:55:11.520 You may have ever told yourself to listen to them in the background of 3634 04:55:11.560 --> 04:55:18.599 your head. I once surprised myself by speaking to myself in such an aggressive 3635 04:55:18.680 --> 04:55:25.360 manner. I didn' t know exactly how long I' ve been treating 3636 04:55:25.439 --> 04:55:30.119 myself like this, but judging by the ease and automatism with which those thoughts 3637 04:55:30.240 --> 04:55:34.479 came out to me it seemed that all my life how strong not the one 3638 04:55:34.560 --> 04:55:37.599 that the brain is capable of messing with without even realizing it. From that 3639 04:55:37.680 --> 04:55:41.279 very moment on, I promised myself that I would pay much more attention to 3640 04:55:41.319 --> 04:55:48.159 my thoughts and well, although I did, it took me a lot to 3641 04:55:48.240 --> 04:55:52.520 start changing the way I was treated in consultation. I have noticed that people 3642 04:55:52.599 --> 04:55:56.119 with low self- esteem, as a rule, have a very negative internal 3643 04:55:56.119 --> 04:56:03.200 dialogue. I had one more laughing patient that was fatal. She didn' 3644 04:56:03.319 --> 04:56:07.599 t realize it, but her story in each session allowed him to glimpse how 3645 04:56:07.680 --> 04:56:14.119 you' ve been doing The week I asked her one day. Well that 3646 04:56:14.200 --> 04:56:22.360 answer sounded typical, well we all say by custom automatically. Well, I 3647 04:56:22.560 --> 04:56:29.400 raised an eyebrow, I knew Marisa, and I sensed that that one was 3648 04:56:29.400 --> 04:56:33.279 hiding a good story. I' ve had a lot of trouble, because 3649 04:56:33.439 --> 04:56:33.919 we' re having a lot of income and they' re all very serious. 3650 04:56:36.439 --> 04:56:40.680 I knew it. Marisa was a nurse in a hospital in the area 3651 04:56:40.759 --> 04:56:44.520 and had to live each and every wave of covid nineteen on the front line. 3652 04:56:45.279 --> 04:56:49.639 The situation at that time was very stressful for everyone, but especially for 3653 04:56:49.680 --> 04:56:56.439 health personnel. We' re doing everything we can, but I feel it 3654 04:56:56.520 --> 04:56:59.959 ' s not enough. The other day I was on guard, the r 3655 04:57:00.200 --> 04:57:03.400 ended it, and I stayed a little longer in the hospital to check that 3656 04:57:03.479 --> 04:57:07.240 all my patients were well cared for. Still, I didn' t go 3657 04:57:07.319 --> 04:57:14.319 home quietly and I was on the phone all weekend. You' re a 3658 04:57:14.319 --> 04:57:18.439 great nurse. Marisa' s worth of a professional is largely measured by his 3659 04:57:18.560 --> 04:57:25.080 human quality and you have a lot of that. It' s possible he 3660 04:57:25.159 --> 04:57:30.240 stopped to catch air, but I feel like I can do more. You 3661 04:57:30.319 --> 04:57:34.799 ' re not doing everything you can now. I leaned down by sticking my 3662 04:57:34.840 --> 04:57:40.360 elbows on the table with the intention of showing interest. I wanted to go 3663 04:57:40.439 --> 04:57:44.520 deeper into that part of the story, because I was very afraid that his 3664 04:57:44.680 --> 04:57:48.639 expression of sadness concealed some pressure and anxiety. Yeah, I do, but 3665 04:57:49.040 --> 04:57:52.400 I don' t know. I have a feeling it' s not enough. 3666 04:57:53.479 --> 04:57:57.439 If I' m not constantly controlling everything. I feel like something' 3667 04:57:57.439 --> 04:58:02.240 s going to go wrong. Of course I said lying back in my chair, 3668 04:58:03.439 --> 04:58:07.560 I already knew where the thing was going. We' re talking about 3669 04:58:07.959 --> 04:58:12.080 critical patients, so it' s important to control the environment and anything that 3670 04:58:12.479 --> 04:58:18.840 can happen, but when you finish your shift, you disconnect, I can 3671 04:58:18.840 --> 04:58:22.240 ' t cost a lot. He glanced down on the ground and continued without 3672 04:58:22.319 --> 04:58:26.400 raising his gaze. When I' m home, I' m turning everything 3673 04:58:26.400 --> 04:58:30.919 around. I mentally review what things I' ve done during the day that 3674 04:58:30.919 --> 04:58:36.000 mistakes. I' ve been able to commit or how I could have done 3675 04:58:36.119 --> 04:58:40.319 better, and Maria feels like shit. My patient had ended up in a 3676 04:58:40.439 --> 04:58:45.959 spiral of self- exigency and feeling shit was just the beginning. Maybe she 3677 04:58:45.080 --> 04:58:49.680 ' s being pretty tough. With you myself I suggested how I won' 3678 04:58:49.680 --> 04:58:56.119 t do it. I have to be demanding work with people. Those people 3679 04:58:56.240 --> 04:59:02.319 ' s lives are partly up to me. You' re right, they 3680 04:59:02.520 --> 04:59:07.919 depend on you in part, at least as long as it' s your 3681 04:59:07.000 --> 04:59:10.040 turn, but I guess you can' t do every turn in the world. 3682 04:59:11.560 --> 04:59:15.639 He didn' t show. Sometimes I doubt and I think this profession 3683 04:59:15.759 --> 04:59:18.840 is not for me, that maybe I should devote myself to something else. 3684 04:59:18.880 --> 04:59:22.119 There are colleagues who do things much better than I do and, besides, 3685 04:59:22.599 --> 04:59:30.400 faster. The well- known impostor syndrome was punctuating the paw. You need 3686 04:59:30.400 --> 04:59:36.639 to disconnect. I kept trusting your partners, and don' t crush yourself 3687 04:59:36.720 --> 04:59:38.439 so much, you' re way past the scanner. The scanner is an 3688 04:59:38.560 --> 04:59:42.560 expression that I use in a colloquial way to refer to when we look with 3689 04:59:42.639 --> 04:59:48.560 magnifying glass or examine in detail our performance and execution of things. Check yourself 3690 04:59:48.680 --> 04:59:53.599 out or pass the typical scanners of very self- demanding people. Yeah, 3691 04:59:55.080 --> 05:00:02.119 I always have. I' m a perfectionist. I smile slightly showing compassion. 3692 05:00:03.159 --> 05:00:07.959 I understood Marisa perfectly as reflected in her and knew how hard it was 3693 05:00:07.040 --> 05:00:14.840 to mistreat herself emotionally. That way, I caught air preparing to share with 3694 05:00:14.959 --> 05:00:19.479 her the conclusion I had reached. You need to control everything, because you 3695 05:00:19.520 --> 05:00:26.479 have imposed yourself to meet too demanding expectations. But Marisa, the more you 3696 05:00:26.560 --> 05:00:32.200 demand, the more it will cost you to disconnect and this in turn will 3697 05:00:32.279 --> 05:00:36.159 make you feel more insecurity in your professional performance and less confidence in yourself. 3698 05:00:37.240 --> 05:00:41.439 That' ll make your job worse and somehow you' ll need to control 3699 05:00:41.520 --> 05:00:47.599 everything even more. It' s a vicious circle. He understood it at 3700 05:00:47.720 --> 05:00:52.360 first, maybe in some corner of his mind. She knew perfectly well the 3701 05:00:52.439 --> 05:00:56.919 damage she was doing to herself. I don' t say forget everything and 3702 05:00:56.000 --> 05:01:00.240 relax while you' re at work, because the situation requires a certain state 3703 05:01:00.360 --> 05:01:06.360 of alert. It wouldn' t be logical to pose such a thing, 3704 05:01:06.759 --> 05:01:08.680 but I think the key to surrender as you wish is to take care of 3705 05:01:08.680 --> 05:01:11.400 yourself. And that' s exactly what you' re doing the least. 3706 05:01:12.840 --> 05:01:15.799 How am I going to take care of myself if I have to take care 3707 05:01:15.799 --> 05:01:19.680 of others. How you' re gonna take care of each other if you 3708 05:01:19.680 --> 05:01:23.799 ' re not okay. I dared to confront you, Maria. I can 3709 05:01:23.959 --> 05:01:27.919 ' t leave hairdressing. I don' t have time. Marisa said blanking 3710 05:01:29.040 --> 05:01:34.439 her eyes and who said taking care of herself is that. Maybe there' 3711 05:01:34.560 --> 05:01:41.720 s another way. Yeah, I stared at her. There' s a 3712 05:01:41.720 --> 05:01:45.959 way. We usually make the mistake of believing that self- care is just 3713 05:01:47.040 --> 05:01:52.200 physical pampering or material whims. These forms of self- care, although they 3714 05:01:52.279 --> 05:01:56.880 come very well from time to time and are very valid, do not require 3715 05:01:56.000 --> 05:02:02.840 emotional work or repair in depth our being We must go much further. So 3716 05:02:02.959 --> 05:02:07.119 the first thing we had to work on self- care was its definition. 3717 05:02:07.560 --> 05:02:11.799 We talk about self- care or personal care when we carry out the action 3718 05:02:11.840 --> 05:02:17.639 or set of actions that allow us to improve our physical and emotional health on 3719 05:02:17.720 --> 05:02:22.000 a voluntary basis and on our own initiative. The second thing we did was 3720 05:02:22.080 --> 05:02:29.599 remember some real examples of self- care surrounding yourself with people that make you 3721 05:02:29.720 --> 05:02:36.880 feel good, maintaining healthy links with your environment, respecting your own limits, 3722 05:02:37.479 --> 05:02:45.720 practicing compassion with yourself, having a positive internal language, not being so self 3723 05:02:45.959 --> 05:02:49.479 - critical, not going through self- exercise, not pleasing others, without 3724 05:02:49.560 --> 05:02:59.840 thinking first about your needs, paying attention to your needs, trusting your abilities, 3725 05:03:00.479 --> 05:03:04.959 strengthening anyone you may have as small as it is, not putting so 3726 05:03:04.959 --> 05:03:11.720 much emphasis on mistakes, not basing personal worth on the opinion of other people, 3727 05:03:12.000 --> 05:03:18.759 not comparing yourself to others, accepting yourself as you are And one of 3728 05:03:18.880 --> 05:03:23.840 the most important things we had to address in this self- care work was 3729 05:03:23.919 --> 05:03:29.439 internal language, because I think that every part of it remembers that, as 3730 05:03:29.560 --> 05:03:33.599 you learn to relate to yourself, you will relate to others. My patient 3731 05:03:33.720 --> 05:03:38.479 had placed herself in the background and placed the others in the first. She 3732 05:03:38.599 --> 05:03:45.360 had abandoned herself and unconsciously decided to punish herself in order to be able to 3733 05:03:45.439 --> 05:03:48.360 better care for her neighbor. It was time, so I proposed an exercise 3734 05:03:48.439 --> 05:03:55.040 that I had learned from a great child psychologist namedÁlvaro Bilbao. To this 3735 05:03:55.119 --> 05:03:57.479 exercise so cool that he applies in the field of children. I gave him 3736 05:03:57.599 --> 05:04:04.680 my personal touch to be able to do it with adults and if it works, 3737 05:04:06.040 --> 05:04:08.400 Marisa during these two weeks we won' t see you have to do 3738 05:04:08.400 --> 05:04:14.240 an exercise. For this you need a wooden board, a few nails and 3739 05:04:14.400 --> 05:04:19.119 a hammer. My patient, as he always began to point out in his 3740 05:04:19.200 --> 05:04:26.520 notebook all the instructions he was giving him as a good perfectionist, wanted to 3741 05:04:26.720 --> 05:04:30.040 do the exercise correctly and not forget anything. I sensed that being so methodical 3742 05:04:30.119 --> 05:04:34.520 also in session. I was. In order not to disappoint me, I 3743 05:04:34.599 --> 05:04:37.599 want you to observe your inner language every day in the face of adversity. 3744 05:04:38.759 --> 05:04:42.959 Every time you identify yourself treating yourself badly, you' re going to nail 3745 05:04:44.040 --> 05:04:45.880 a nail into the wooden board. Next time you come to the session, 3746 05:04:47.279 --> 05:04:49.639 I' d like you to bring her in to see how she' s 3747 05:04:49.639 --> 05:04:55.080 doing with nails. All right, she nodded a little incredulous, but, 3748 05:04:55.439 --> 05:04:57.560 as expected, she did everything to the letter n n n n n s 3749 05:04:57.880 --> 05:05:03.200 o s or neo moment. I didn' t want to tell you what 3750 05:05:03.279 --> 05:05:06.880 the goal I was pursuing with exercise was, as that was saving it for 3751 05:05:06.880 --> 05:05:11.080 me later. Two weeks later he appeared in my office with his wooden board 3752 05:05:11.200 --> 05:05:18.720 full of nails. Hello Mary came through the door with a nervous laugh. 3753 05:05:18.759 --> 05:05:22.119 I think it' s a little weird that he went into the clinic asking 3754 05:05:22.200 --> 05:05:27.119 about the psychology office with a wooden board in his hand. The receptionist looked 3755 05:05:27.159 --> 05:05:32.520 at me strangely. Don' t worry, I said between laughs. Me 3756 05:05:32.599 --> 05:05:37.000 too, if you say you' re going to Maria' s office, 3757 05:05:37.200 --> 05:05:38.119 it' s not so weird that you' re wearing a wooden board. 3758 05:05:40.200 --> 05:05:45.840 I always do weird things. Okay, here you go. Marisa sat in 3759 05:05:45.919 --> 05:05:49.400 front of me and placed the wood with the nails on the table in my 3760 05:05:49.439 --> 05:05:56.720 office. Ah well, I said looking at that piece of wood. I 3761 05:05:56.799 --> 05:06:03.720 see you' ve done your homework. You always know how you' ve 3762 05:06:03.840 --> 05:06:08.000 been nailing your nails. Tell me what you' ve been like. Maris 3763 05:06:08.159 --> 05:06:12.159 was telling me that just like I asked him two weeks ago. Every time 3764 05:06:12.200 --> 05:06:17.479 he got caught treating himself badly, he nailed a nail. In total, 3765 05:06:17.880 --> 05:06:23.200 the wood had fourteen nails. That' s seven nails a week, that 3766 05:06:23.319 --> 05:06:29.279 ' s one a day. I looked for my cell phone calculator. If 3767 05:06:29.400 --> 05:06:33.959 you nail a nail a day after a year, you could have perfectly three 3768 05:06:33.000 --> 05:06:37.319 hundred sixty- five nails. The half- life expectancy in a woman is 3769 05:06:37.360 --> 05:06:41.040 eighty- three years and considering that you are thirty- one, then I 3770 05:06:41.040 --> 05:06:48.439 hawked as I introduced the figures oh Wow, you still have to nail on 3771 05:06:48.479 --> 05:06:55.319 the wooden board eighteen thousand nine hundred and eighty nails. My patient opened my 3772 05:06:55.439 --> 05:07:00.799 eyes a lot. I think you' re missing board and nails. I 3773 05:07:00.959 --> 05:07:07.240 don' t have that many nails. I' d need a truck after 3774 05:07:07.560 --> 05:07:11.759 a thoughtful and necessary silence. I went on, hey. Why do you 3775 05:07:11.759 --> 05:07:17.319 think I asked you to do this exercise? I think you did it to 3776 05:07:17.439 --> 05:07:22.639 download my energy by nailing nails. The truth is, it' s helped 3777 05:07:22.639 --> 05:07:26.200 me a lot. When I was angry, I was doing very well, 3778 05:07:26.439 --> 05:07:32.639 I took the hammer and Isasca said while imitating the gesture. It might be 3779 05:07:32.759 --> 05:07:37.720 a conclusion, but I don' t think it' s very functional to 3780 05:07:37.880 --> 05:07:40.840 manage anger by hitting nails with the hammer. What would you do when you 3781 05:07:40.919 --> 05:07:44.720 got angry anywhere where you didn' t have the hammer, the board, 3782 05:07:44.720 --> 05:07:48.439 and the nails. Oh, that' s not true. I don' 3783 05:07:49.479 --> 05:07:55.279 t see it then it was no longer said as he sighed and denied with 3784 05:07:55.279 --> 05:07:59.479 his head look. This is a metaphor for the wooden board. It' 3785 05:07:59.479 --> 05:08:03.959 s you. I swung my eyes trying to understand what the thing was about. 3786 05:08:06.520 --> 05:08:10.159 Yeah, the board is you and the nails symbolize all those times you 3787 05:08:10.279 --> 05:08:15.439 hurt yourself. Every time you' ve treated yourself badly, you' ve 3788 05:08:15.439 --> 05:08:21.159 nailed a nail. Each of these nails is metaphorically speaking. The emotional pain 3789 05:08:21.240 --> 05:08:27.040 your soul can feel when you mistreat after my words. Another still longer reflective 3790 05:08:27.119 --> 05:08:33.959 silence than the previous one reigned in the consultation. Marisa felt slightly with her 3791 05:08:33.040 --> 05:08:38.040 head, without taking her gaze off the board. Let' s try and 3792 05:08:38.200 --> 05:08:41.520 pull out the nails. I went on with the help of a hammer. 3793 05:08:41.880 --> 05:08:47.439 My patient showed me his DIY skills and one by one was pulling every piece 3794 05:08:47.560 --> 05:08:56.279 of metal embedded in the wood. Ready said proud when it was finished great 3795 05:08:56.360 --> 05:08:59.880 notice I told you pointing out the holes that had remained engraved in the wood. 3796 05:09:00.000 --> 05:09:04.479 These marks are what' s left when you repent, which means what 3797 05:09:04.560 --> 05:09:08.279 ' s done is done. It' s very hard to erase those marks. 3798 05:09:08.360 --> 05:09:15.479 Then, even if you repent, your brain has already processed that information 3799 05:09:15.840 --> 05:09:18.639 and when you learn to treat yourself like that, you do it even unconsciously. 3800 05:09:21.240 --> 05:09:23.799 Then I can' t cure the wounds of all the nails I' 3801 05:09:23.880 --> 05:09:29.720 ve nailed myself in the past. You can take them off, but you 3802 05:09:29.720 --> 05:09:33.080 ' ll still have the marks. You can cure them over time. When 3803 05:09:33.119 --> 05:09:37.279 you learn not to nail more nails, it' s easier to nail them 3804 05:09:37.279 --> 05:09:42.560 than to cure them. I know it always costs more to repair the wood 3805 05:09:42.560 --> 05:09:47.520 than to damage it. Then the solution is to not nail me any more 3806 05:09:47.520 --> 05:09:52.080 nails. That' s hard. It' s very difficult, especially since 3807 05:09:52.159 --> 05:09:56.680 you' ve been doing the opposite for years. I explained to him that 3808 05:09:56.799 --> 05:10:00.919 the key was to continue to identify this negative dialogue and, once identified, 3809 05:10:02.720 --> 05:10:07.000 to radically change the form and content of the dialogue. So I' d 3810 05:10:07.080 --> 05:10:10.200 have a somewhat more accurate phrase for which I wouldn' t have to nail 3811 05:10:10.200 --> 05:10:15.040 more nails. Marisa and I drew a table on a folio and wrote on 3812 05:10:15.080 --> 05:10:18.880 the left the phrases that used to be said by custom and, on the 3813 05:10:18.959 --> 05:10:25.599 right hand side completely different ones, issued from affection and compassion. The result 3814 05:10:25.759 --> 05:10:30.400 was something like that. From that moment on, Marisa' s challenge consisted 3815 05:10:30.520 --> 05:10:33.959 of not nailing more nails into her wooden board, contrary to what she had 3816 05:10:34.040 --> 05:10:40.799 done the previous weeks. He had to avoid further harm by treating himself with 3817 05:10:40.959 --> 05:10:45.119 as much affection as he treated his patients. The results were not expected. 3818 05:10:45.560 --> 05:10:49.520 After several months of hard work, both professional and personal, Marisa' s 3819 05:10:49.560 --> 05:10:56.439 demanding levels remained at bay. She kept giving up every day, as was 3820 05:10:56.560 --> 05:11:00.319 her custom. The difference was that he felt calmer r ners that he was 3821 05:11:00.400 --> 05:11:03.479 starting to take care of himself like he had never done before and was beginning 3822 05:11:03.560 --> 05:11:08.000 to make peace with himself. The road didn' t end here, but 3823 05:11:08.080 --> 05:11:12.840 it was a start. Marisa' s personal work was not easy because there 3824 05:11:12.959 --> 05:11:18.799 were phrases that seemed inherent to her. For many years, as we saw 3825 05:11:18.919 --> 05:11:23.279 in previous sessions when we studied his personal history, he had learned to mistreat 3826 05:11:23.680 --> 05:11:30.319 with contempt and invalidity. Now he had to learn to consider himself in a 3827 05:11:30.439 --> 05:11:33.560 completely different way. And to understand that being a good professional had nothing to 3828 05:11:33.639 --> 05:11:37.639 do with getting to the limit and that he could even do his job much 3829 05:11:37.759 --> 05:11:44.439 better if he understood that caring was necessary for the power of compassion. I 3830 05:11:44.560 --> 05:11:49.360 told you that to treat with affection is necessary, but to be more concrete, 3831 05:11:49.599 --> 05:11:53.400 to treat with compassion the essentials. I like to say compassion is like 3832 05:11:53.479 --> 05:12:02.479 an emotional hug. I explain myself to understand, accept unconditionally and validate without 3833 05:12:02.560 --> 05:12:07.119 judgment or pressure. Compassion is like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold 3834 05:12:07.200 --> 05:12:11.479 winter day, like a dip in the pool when the street is over forty 3835 05:12:11.560 --> 05:12:14.840 degrees, or like a long, strong hug when you need it most. 3836 05:12:17.000 --> 05:12:21.159 That' s compassion, something that can radically change the way you feel and 3837 05:12:21.279 --> 05:12:26.560 see the world. I think we know very well how to deal with others 3838 05:12:26.680 --> 05:12:30.439 with compassion. However, when it comes to applying that perspective to oneself, 3839 05:12:30.799 --> 05:12:36.080 the thing changes. If your best friend tells you about a problem he' 3840 05:12:36.200 --> 05:12:38.599 s had because of a mistake he' s made, you' d tell 3841 05:12:38.680 --> 05:12:44.200 him it' s a disaster and that he should have realized the mistake before 3842 05:12:44.240 --> 05:12:49.639 he messed it up. Probably not, why. So, if you say 3843 05:12:49.799 --> 05:12:55.279 all that to yourself, we are more compassionate to others than to ourselves. 3844 05:12:56.360 --> 05:13:02.520 We understand and validate better the emotions of those around us. We are able 3845 05:13:02.599 --> 05:13:08.439 to tell each other nothing happens while we crush ourselves constantly. We can offer 3846 05:13:08.479 --> 05:13:12.880 an emotional mattress to the rest, but we can tan ourselves in hell itself. 3847 05:13:14.919 --> 05:13:21.119 Is this hypocrisy? I wish it were so easy, it turns out 3848 05:13:21.200 --> 05:13:26.439 it' s our brain and the way we have to perceive each other I 3849 05:13:26.799 --> 05:13:32.720 remember that while I was writing I love you miles of painful scenes with previous 3850 05:13:32.799 --> 05:13:34.599 couple relationships and even friendships, walking freely and fleetingly through my head. Many 3851 05:13:34.639 --> 05:13:38.840 times they managed to impose themselves on logic, and that caused me to be 3852 05:13:38.840 --> 05:13:45.639 inundated with guilt. Like Marisa, I had learned to demand a lot in 3853 05:13:45.639 --> 05:13:49.000 life, something that without realizing, I moved into my way of living and 3854 05:13:49.080 --> 05:13:55.599 perceiving the bonds. I felt that if someone had responsibility for those outcomes, 3855 05:13:56.040 --> 05:14:00.560 that someone was me, and nothing else is worth me. Surely I was 3856 05:14:00.639 --> 05:14:03.439 no saint you know that the emotional backpack conditions very much what you think, 3857 05:14:04.279 --> 05:14:07.959 feel and do, but from there to having full responsibility for painful situations, 3858 05:14:08.479 --> 05:14:12.360 I think there is a way. The point is, I carried that burden 3859 05:14:12.479 --> 05:14:17.880 for a long time in the past. Phrases like those that she said to 3860 05:14:18.000 --> 05:14:22.200 herself, my patient kept repeating them to me again and again and again in 3861 05:14:22.599 --> 05:14:29.799 the framework of relationships Arthur made you gohsting golley of the ice you would do 3862 05:14:29.799 --> 05:14:33.439 something. I' m sure that guy found out how unbearable and intense you 3863 05:14:33.439 --> 05:14:38.959 are. Why did you keep believing Mario if for practically the whole relationship happened 3864 05:14:40.040 --> 05:14:45.680 to you and he treated you like shit. How foolish you were, how 3865 05:14:45.720 --> 05:14:51.200 you could stand so long with your first boyfriend if he constantly humiliated you, 3866 05:14:51.319 --> 05:14:52.840 you weren' t the standard- bearer of self- esteem. So much, 3867 05:14:53.159 --> 05:14:57.880 you wouldn' t want to why you emotionally manipulated this person. If 3868 05:14:59.000 --> 05:15:03.200 you knew very well how to give that that could provoke you. You played 3869 05:15:03.360 --> 05:15:07.159 with her and you know that you deserve something very bad to happen to you. 3870 05:15:07.759 --> 05:15:11.759 This, as you know, is meaningless when you understand how relationships work 3871 05:15:11.799 --> 05:15:18.080 and you know how much responsibility each of their parts can have. But still. 3872 05:15:18.400 --> 05:15:22.479 I used to cuddle this kind of comment over and over again. It 3873 05:15:22.560 --> 05:15:26.279 was as if an idea had rooted in my mind and this one did not 3874 05:15:26.279 --> 05:15:29.680 want to let go. I know I did my best with the information I 3875 05:15:29.840 --> 05:15:33.439 had at the time. In my case, I did things that I' 3876 05:15:33.520 --> 05:15:37.880 m proud of and also things that I' m ashamed of, but I 3877 05:15:37.000 --> 05:15:41.000 think neither I nor anyone else has an obligation to assume their share of responsibility 3878 05:15:41.080 --> 05:15:45.799 as if it were some sort of divine punishment, but we need to accept 3879 05:15:45.880 --> 05:15:51.040 the mistakes of the past as a learning, because I' m sure that 3880 05:15:51.119 --> 05:15:52.560 ' s the same thing that allows us to evolve as people. So, 3881 05:15:53.000 --> 05:15:56.200 every time I realized that my head took me along the paths of the very 3882 05:15:56.279 --> 05:16:00.520 same to see him I stopped and remembered all the under- staffed treatment I 3883 05:16:00.639 --> 05:16:06.319 had been doing for several years now. I believe that when people suffer, 3884 05:16:06.720 --> 05:16:11.479 we do not suffer as adults in a logical and rational way, but suffer 3885 05:16:11.560 --> 05:16:15.360 from the depths of our emotion, just as a child would. In fact, 3886 05:16:15.759 --> 05:16:19.759 talking about the inner child hidden in the depths of our being is used 3887 05:16:19.919 --> 05:16:25.040 as a metaphor to refer to the engram. Remember, this is the neural 3888 05:16:25.119 --> 05:16:30.240 network that keeps the information from the emotional wound. Mary remembers your story. 3889 05:16:32.279 --> 05:16:36.599 You' re telling yourself this because you' ve learned to be so demanding 3890 05:16:36.680 --> 05:16:40.360 about yourself that you tend to bear the responsibility for all of this that you 3891 05:16:40.360 --> 05:16:42.159 tell yourself. Now you' re also telling that girl that one day you 3892 05:16:42.240 --> 05:16:48.759 were firm and responsible. You realize I was acting like my father to myself. 3893 05:16:49.400 --> 05:16:56.240 He treated himself the magic of attachment. I love these times when you 3894 05:16:56.319 --> 05:17:00.080 start tying up, because they' re revealing, as I tell you. 3895 05:17:00.439 --> 05:17:04.919 Faced with that behavior I thought of that child that I was one day and 3896 05:17:06.000 --> 05:17:10.479 whose essence still remains within me. If that little girl were thinking and feeling 3897 05:17:10.560 --> 05:17:12.439 the same thing as me right now, she' d be scared to death. 3898 05:17:14.560 --> 05:17:18.319 He wouldn' t understand anything, he' d look small and vulnerable. 3899 05:17:18.360 --> 05:17:23.439 I' d look for an adult to feel protected with, but what 3900 05:17:23.439 --> 05:17:26.799 things. The closest adult was me and I was treating her like shit. 3901 05:17:29.599 --> 05:17:33.319 So, every time this happened, I used one of the most powerful self 3902 05:17:33.680 --> 05:17:37.720 - regulation tools I know to take a picture of when I was little, 3903 05:17:38.360 --> 05:17:41.840 look at it and wonder what I would like to say to that four- 3904 05:17:42.400 --> 05:17:45.560 year- old girl who at the time was carrying a guilt that was largely 3905 05:17:45.560 --> 05:17:52.119 wrong with her. And then my speech changed in a radical way. As 3906 05:17:52.200 --> 05:17:55.919 if I were the reference adult of that child, my goal now was to 3907 05:17:56.040 --> 05:17:59.159 give me what I would want her to have at such a time. Or 3908 05:17:59.439 --> 05:18:02.840 what could I do to generate a safe attachment between the girl and me? 3909 05:18:03.799 --> 05:18:07.000 What I could do so that I could perceive myself as a safe place and 3910 05:18:07.040 --> 05:18:11.599 as we saw in the theory of the safety circle, arms to trust and 3911 05:18:11.680 --> 05:18:17.000 to return to seek understanding and support. For starters, I' d never 3912 05:18:17.080 --> 05:18:19.639 think of talking to a child the way I was talking to myself. Never, 3913 05:18:21.759 --> 05:18:26.200 no matter what his mistake would have been. But this was my inner 3914 05:18:26.240 --> 05:18:29.959 child and I, if I knew her story and how she might have felt 3915 05:18:30.040 --> 05:18:33.720 when I was afraid, so I was able to understand better than anyone how 3916 05:18:33.919 --> 05:18:40.200 she was at the time and so, with more reason I had to try 3917 05:18:40.200 --> 05:18:44.279 to treat myself well. Every time I visualize that little girl something breaks inside 3918 05:18:44.439 --> 05:18:48.439 me. That girl was very happy, but she also lived things throughout the 3919 05:18:48.520 --> 05:18:53.240 years that marked her forever. I was the only person in the world who 3920 05:18:53.360 --> 05:18:56.840 knew what he had left to live. I was the only person who could 3921 05:18:56.959 --> 05:19:00.919 really understand how he felt at every moment and yearned for. I was the 3922 05:19:02.040 --> 05:19:06.080 only one who could give him everything that no one else gave him when he 3923 05:19:06.080 --> 05:19:10.040 needed it most. I was the only person who could give me what I 3924 05:19:10.200 --> 05:19:14.240 needed at the time. I was the only one who could save her and, 3925 05:19:14.599 --> 05:19:22.759 therefore, save me. Working on your emotional wound you' re going 3926 05:19:22.759 --> 05:19:26.080 to let me, in what' s left of the chapter speak in feminine, 3927 05:19:26.400 --> 05:19:30.639 the personal work I' ve done has been with a girl, so 3928 05:19:30.720 --> 05:19:33.439 I identify myself more by saying girl than boy. You can put the genre 3929 05:19:33.520 --> 05:19:38.560 you want to look for a photo of when you were little or the time 3930 05:19:38.599 --> 05:19:44.159 you identified that your emotional wound was generated I always work with a little girl 3931 05:19:44.240 --> 05:19:48.000 ' s sclapes, because, as you' ve seen so far, almost 3932 05:19:48.040 --> 05:19:51.759 everything always happens in childhood. Choose a photo in which you are very happy 3933 05:19:51.880 --> 05:19:56.759 and that you like it very much place it in view because it will accompany 3934 05:19:56.840 --> 05:20:00.360 your reading From now on, together the girl you went and you will finish 3935 05:20:00.439 --> 05:20:07.840 reading the last pages of this book. Your inner child, the adult you 3936 05:20:07.000 --> 05:20:11.639 are today, is a reflection of what happened in your childhood. The girl 3937 05:20:11.720 --> 05:20:15.919 who was told she was getting very expensive every time she asked for something she 3938 05:20:15.000 --> 05:20:18.799 needed. She is the adult who feels guilty today when she spends the money 3939 05:20:18.880 --> 05:20:23.799 on something that is not tremendously necessary. The girl who had to be responsible 3940 05:20:23.880 --> 05:20:29.560 early, taking care of her mother, father or younger siblings. She' 3941 05:20:29.639 --> 05:20:33.000 s the adult who' s looking out for everyone today, except herself. 3942 05:20:33.680 --> 05:20:37.240 The girl who was emotionally invalidated, is the adult who today thinks it bothers 3943 05:20:37.360 --> 05:20:42.680 when she speaks, the girl who heard a referent figure complain about her loneliness 3944 05:20:42.799 --> 05:20:47.279 and agreed to accompany her instead of going to do children' s things, 3945 05:20:47.400 --> 05:20:49.919 is the adult who today does not ask for help because she feels that there 3946 05:20:51.000 --> 05:20:53.680 are people with worse problems. The girl who was told not to be so 3947 05:20:53.759 --> 05:20:57.240 believed, is the adult who today has difficulty recognizing her virtues, the girl 3948 05:20:57.240 --> 05:21:03.759 who took refuge in the studies when she had a bad emotional time I am 3949 05:21:03.919 --> 05:21:07.959 the adult addicted to work, the girl who heard her parents talk about debts 3950 05:21:08.040 --> 05:21:15.000 constantly, is the adult who today gives great importance to money. The girl 3951 05:21:15.080 --> 05:21:18.159 they didn' t respect her limits, she' s the adult who' 3952 05:21:18.279 --> 05:21:22.479 s on the defensive today. The girl who learned to stand out and do 3953 05:21:22.639 --> 05:21:26.639 everything perfect to gain recognition of her referents, is the adult who today lives 3954 05:21:26.759 --> 05:21:33.200 with imposter syndrome. The girl who learned to ignore her needs to cover them 3955 05:21:33.240 --> 05:21:36.759 from her reference figures, is the adult who today feels guilty when others do 3956 05:21:36.880 --> 05:21:41.720 something for her. The girl who tried to transfer to her reference figures the 3957 05:21:41.759 --> 05:21:45.599 fear she had for an exam and they responded with a come to study without 3958 05:21:45.639 --> 05:21:51.639 attending her, is the adult who today carries her emotions, the girl who 3959 05:21:51.720 --> 05:21:55.319 learned to draw attention in a drastic way so that her references would heed her. 3960 05:21:56.040 --> 05:22:00.000 She is the adult who has erratic behavior today, the girl who grew 3961 05:22:00.119 --> 05:22:03.799 up surrounded by fatophobic comments. She' s the adult who can' t 3962 05:22:03.919 --> 05:22:07.319 look in the mirror today because she doesn' t like her. The girl 3963 05:22:07.360 --> 05:22:11.479 who suffered bullying at school or high school. She' s the adult who 3964 05:22:11.599 --> 05:22:15.479 has a hard time trusting people today. The girl they betrayed, she' 3965 05:22:15.560 --> 05:22:21.639 s the adult who has a hard time maintaining healthy relationships today. The adult 3966 05:22:21.720 --> 05:22:26.880 ' s emotional wound reflects the girl' s survival strategy. Your inner child 3967 05:22:26.959 --> 05:22:30.400 is the girl you were the one who tried to do what she could with 3968 05:22:30.479 --> 05:22:34.880 what she had. Your inner child is the one who keeps your emotional wound, 3969 05:22:37.040 --> 05:22:38.119 regardless of the age at which it was generated. It can be you 3970 05:22:38.240 --> 05:22:42.479 with six, sixteen or twenty- six years. It' s a reflection 3971 05:22:42.560 --> 05:22:48.919 of that past where it all started. Those needs that were generated at the 3972 05:22:48.040 --> 05:22:52.439 time or time of the trauma, are still there waiting to be met, 3973 05:22:52.639 --> 05:22:59.279 as if you had left something pending. Remember this paragraph of chapter five on 3974 05:22:59.279 --> 05:23:04.080 the story of Pons Luis how interesting years ago, Luis had left the feeling 3975 05:23:04.200 --> 05:23:08.759 that he should do something useful. And today it was the same, as 3976 05:23:08.919 --> 05:23:12.919 if that behavior hadn' t been over and he hadn' t come out 3977 05:23:12.919 --> 05:23:18.599 of it, that is, over and over again you unconsciously experience the emotions 3978 05:23:18.680 --> 05:23:22.520 of your traumatic experience, because it didn' t end up being properly processed. 3979 05:23:23.599 --> 05:23:27.520 Your mind is like a scratched disk went into automatic mode and your three 3980 05:23:27.639 --> 05:23:33.959 brains couldn' t integrate, but it' s time to start changing this. 3981 05:23:34.560 --> 05:23:38.560 My intention in the previous chapters was to prepare you for this final chapter. 3982 05:23:41.360 --> 05:23:45.119 If you understand your story, you understand your emotional backpack and that of 3983 05:23:45.200 --> 05:23:48.919 your emotional guides. If you manage to feel comfortable with your thoughts and emotions 3984 05:23:49.040 --> 05:23:53.279 and learn to create healthy relationships, you will be rubbing the door of your 3985 05:23:53.400 --> 05:23:57.720 safe place with your fingertips. You just need to take care of your inner 3986 05:23:57.799 --> 05:24:02.919 child and give her what she needs, a balm to help heal your emotional 3987 05:24:02.919 --> 05:24:08.799 wounds. The white forest in this section and the next halo of light you 3988 05:24:10.200 --> 05:24:15.159 will find exercises that I would like you to read in a row, without 3989 05:24:15.159 --> 05:24:18.799 making long pauses, because they have a lot of relationship between them. One 3990 05:24:18.880 --> 05:24:21.720 will remove you a little bit and the other will help you calm down. 3991 05:24:21.919 --> 05:24:23.880 That' s why my recommendation is to make them one after the other. 3992 05:24:25.959 --> 05:24:30.400 Let' s go with the first one. Walk with me in the white 3993 05:24:30.400 --> 05:24:33.919 forest, a place where things never happen, because there' s always a 3994 05:24:33.919 --> 05:24:40.240 reason. This is a guided imagination exercise that I recommend you to do from 3995 05:24:40.319 --> 05:24:45.959 the tranquility of your home. You can read it and imagine it quietly or 3996 05:24:45.119 --> 05:24:48.880 scan the code, put on some headphones and come with me to the white 3997 05:24:48.880 --> 05:24:56.799 forest. Anyway, let' s take the white forest, make yourself comfortable 3998 05:24:56.959 --> 05:25:03.040 and close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Notice the air coming in 3999 05:25:03.200 --> 05:25:08.279 and out of your lungs. See if there is any area of your body 4000 05:25:08.319 --> 05:25:15.639 in tension, if there is, try to relax it feels like your body 4001 05:25:15.720 --> 05:25:22.759 weighs more and more and relaxes. Legs, arms, neck. Right now 4002 05:25:22.840 --> 05:25:27.240 there' s nothing but this voice you' re listening to focus on. 4003 05:25:29.919 --> 05:25:34.720 Let' s take a trip inside you, to your memories. Imagine that 4004 05:25:34.880 --> 05:25:41.279 everything around you begins to disappear little by little. The furniture, the paintings, 4005 05:25:42.040 --> 05:25:47.240 instead, begin to appear green leaves, earth birds singing a stream. 4006 05:25:48.880 --> 05:25:52.720 Suddenly, you' re not home anymore, you' re in a forest. 4007 05:25:53.439 --> 05:25:57.200 The vegetation surrounds you with fresh air, pink your cheeks and the sunset 4008 05:25:57.279 --> 05:26:03.799 sun is more beautiful than in r ever. You walk between very tall and 4009 05:26:03.840 --> 05:26:08.599 leafy trees. You are calm and relaxed looking at the surroundings, when suddenly, 4010 05:26:10.080 --> 05:26:15.200 in the distance, you seem to see someone with a heart, something 4011 05:26:15.200 --> 05:26:18.919 accelerated. It gets close to you if you can see that you' re 4012 05:26:18.000 --> 05:26:21.599 the one with you when you' re little. You' re in front 4013 05:26:21.680 --> 05:26:25.040 of the girl you were one day She' s playing between the flowers. 4014 05:26:25.520 --> 05:26:32.720 Unconcerned, typical of a girl. You approach slowly without taking your gaze away 4015 05:26:32.919 --> 05:26:37.840 from her. A chill runs through your body when you' re a few 4016 05:26:37.840 --> 05:26:42.639 inches from it. The girl suddenly looks up and stares at you. While 4017 05:26:42.759 --> 05:26:49.840 smiling something very special. It unites you for a lifetime. I was waiting 4018 05:26:49.840 --> 05:26:53.279 for you, she tells you without wiping the smile of the gesture. That 4019 05:26:53.400 --> 05:26:57.479 girl had nothing wrong with her. What happened wasn' t his fault. 4020 05:27:00.200 --> 05:27:03.319 Some things may have been missing in the past, but now you' re 4021 05:27:03.400 --> 05:27:10.200 here to provide them. You' re an adult now. You lacked trust, 4022 05:27:11.319 --> 05:27:18.479 understanding, respect, validation whatever it was. Now you can give it 4023 05:27:18.479 --> 05:27:22.240 to him. You think then you' d treat that little girl like you 4024 05:27:22.319 --> 05:27:27.479 sometimes treat your grown- up. What did you think? I know. 4025 05:27:27.919 --> 05:27:33.919 I cry every time I do this exercise, too. Look back at the 4026 05:27:33.000 --> 05:27:40.119 picture of when you were little like you I have it in front of me 4027 05:27:40.279 --> 05:27:45.479 right now and I smile every time I question myself I look at it and 4028 05:27:45.919 --> 05:27:51.080 I think how she would feel right now, how you would treat her if 4029 05:27:51.119 --> 05:27:55.240 she came running to ask me for help and then acted accordingly. Finally, 4030 05:27:55.479 --> 05:27:59.240 I understand that my mission today is not to abandon myself or punish myself when 4031 05:27:59.360 --> 05:28:02.959 I feel that I can no longer listen to myself without judging or pressuring myself. 4032 05:28:03.319 --> 05:28:06.520 I understand myself and forgive myself for not being able to deal with the 4033 05:28:06.639 --> 05:28:11.319 situation just as I would with that child I was one day I have learned 4034 05:28:11.400 --> 05:28:14.319 to be compassionate to myself and to embrace myself when I need it most. 4035 05:28:15.040 --> 05:28:19.080 I have learned to offer myself the cup of hot chocolate on a cold winter 4036 05:28:19.080 --> 05:28:22.919 day, to take a dip in the pool in summer, to understand myself 4037 05:28:23.000 --> 05:28:27.880 and accept me unconditionally. And for that I had to make peace with my 4038 05:28:29.000 --> 05:28:34.880 past and myself. I' ve learned to forgive myself the halo of light. 4039 05:28:37.520 --> 05:28:41.319 Now I' m going to teach you, to relax. The halo 4040 05:28:41.400 --> 05:28:47.400 of light is a very powerful technique of relaxation and emotional regulation. This is 4041 05:28:47.479 --> 05:28:51.599 also a guided imagination exercise that, like the previous one, I recommend you 4042 05:28:51.680 --> 05:28:56.959 do from the tranquility of your home. Here are the instructions to be able 4043 05:28:56.040 --> 05:29:02.759 to exercise correctly. Find a quiet place where you can sit or lie down 4044 05:29:02.799 --> 05:29:10.959 in a comfortable position. Exercise consists of imagining how a halo of light surrounds 4045 05:29:11.040 --> 05:29:15.479 you and you go up your body from your feet to your head. Don 4046 05:29:15.639 --> 05:29:19.360 ' t judge values. What you observe, just contemplate your body and accept 4047 05:29:19.479 --> 05:29:25.639 what is in each part. See if there is any area of your body 4048 05:29:25.720 --> 05:29:30.279 in tension, if there is, try to relax it while the halo of 4049 05:29:30.400 --> 05:29:34.319 light passes through that area during exercise. Imagine that your mind is a scanner 4050 05:29:34.360 --> 05:29:38.959 that has to go through all the parts of the body. If in the 4051 05:29:40.000 --> 05:29:42.560 middle of relaxation you notice that your mind is not in exercise, nothing happens, 4052 05:29:42.880 --> 05:29:48.840 focus again. It doesn' t matter how many times you get distracted. 4053 05:29:48.959 --> 05:29:52.759 The important thing is that you realize and be able to come back. 4054 05:29:52.840 --> 05:29:59.159 Don' t judge yourself. It' s normal for it to happen if 4055 05:29:59.159 --> 05:30:02.759 you detect feelings of impatience, urge boredom, don' t worry. It 4056 05:30:02.840 --> 05:30:07.279 is part of the practice to learn to be with them, to give space 4057 05:30:07.279 --> 05:30:11.880 to those thoughts, to observe them, and to pay attention to see whether 4058 05:30:11.880 --> 05:30:14.240 they change, change, or not to change. Go back to exercise, 4059 05:30:15.759 --> 05:30:18.119 don' t worry if you don' t feel anything. The important thing 4060 05:30:18.240 --> 05:30:25.479 is to look at what is here and now you can read it and imagine 4061 05:30:25.560 --> 05:30:29.479 it quietly or scan the code cuer place some headphones and concentrate on my words. 4062 05:30:30.680 --> 05:30:34.439 Be that as it may, let the idea go is that you connect 4063 05:30:34.520 --> 05:30:38.439 with your body and be aware of the qui and now the halo of light. 4064 05:30:41.040 --> 05:30:44.599 I' m here with you. It' s all right. Right 4065 05:30:44.680 --> 05:30:49.279 now, give me your hand. Now let' s do together a relaxation 4066 05:30:49.360 --> 05:30:56.040 exercise focus on your breathing. Watch the air come in and out of your 4067 05:30:56.119 --> 05:31:00.479 lungs. You can imagine that the air you breathe in is one color and 4068 05:31:00.560 --> 05:31:03.959 the air you exhale from another. I like to imagine that the one coming 4069 05:31:04.119 --> 05:31:07.840 in is white and the one coming out is gray or black. I feel 4070 05:31:07.919 --> 05:31:11.840 like that comes out of me what I don' t like and makes me 4071 05:31:11.919 --> 05:31:17.200 feel bad and I renew inside look at the sensations that the contact of your 4072 05:31:17.279 --> 05:31:22.000 feet with the ground conveys to you move it, if necessary to feel present. 4073 05:31:22.080 --> 05:31:27.400 You' re here now. The adult. Observe the weight of your 4074 05:31:27.479 --> 05:31:33.840 arms, tender, torso head and back and as they are placed, see 4075 05:31:33.880 --> 05:31:38.880 the differences if there are any between the areas. The halo of light begins 4076 05:31:38.959 --> 05:31:44.119 on your feet and ends in your head. The idea is that it' 4077 05:31:44.240 --> 05:31:47.360 s going up little by little. All over your body running around every area 4078 05:31:47.439 --> 05:31:52.200 as if it were a scanner. Start the scan by your feet and toes. 4079 05:31:53.319 --> 05:31:59.400 Transferring your finger to your finger, look at the sensations you perceive from 4080 05:31:59.599 --> 05:32:03.759 each of them. They pay attention to the separation and space they occupy. 4081 05:32:04.200 --> 05:32:10.759 While scanning try to be open to sensations of the type that are thermal of 4082 05:32:11.119 --> 05:32:15.959 touch, humidity, itching, tingling etc. From your toes, take your 4083 05:32:15.959 --> 05:32:22.880 attention to their soles and go back to your heels. Observe the curvature and 4084 05:32:22.959 --> 05:32:27.840 shape of the soles of your feet, scan the heels, and follow the 4085 05:32:27.919 --> 05:32:33.159 pawn area to the top of your feet. From the beginning little by little, 4086 05:32:33.279 --> 05:32:37.759 it takes attention to the ankles, observes how they are, if they 4087 05:32:37.759 --> 05:32:42.919 are supported, if they are flected, etc. Continue the scan through the 4088 05:32:44.040 --> 05:32:48.759 legs, climb up and pay attention to the pimples and then to the twins. 4089 05:32:49.319 --> 05:32:56.080 Keep going up to your knees. Imagine their bone area see if they 4090 05:32:56.159 --> 05:33:00.799 are stretched or flected. From the knees. S Continues to pass the scanner 4091 05:33:00.880 --> 05:33:04.799 until you reach your thighs, touring your entire front face and your back face. 4092 05:33:07.319 --> 05:33:11.279 Scan the glutes and see how they are supported. Transfer your attention to 4093 05:33:11.319 --> 05:33:18.040 the hips, pay attention to the lumbar area. Breathe deeply and see how 4094 05:33:18.080 --> 05:33:23.439 this area moves and the changes that occur. See if there is a lack 4095 05:33:23.520 --> 05:33:27.000 of sensations or if there is tension oppression. When you breathe. If there 4096 05:33:27.080 --> 05:33:33.840 is tension in the area, try to relax it From the lumbar area ascends 4097 05:33:33.959 --> 05:33:37.360 along the back, imagining how you go up vertebra to vertebra throughout the spine, 4098 05:33:37.799 --> 05:33:42.639 until you reach the dorsal area, pay attention to how you perceive this 4099 05:33:42.639 --> 05:33:48.520 part of the body. From the dorsal area it continues to ascend to the 4100 05:33:48.520 --> 05:33:53.000 cervical area. The top of the back looks as you raise the homoplates, 4101 05:33:53.119 --> 05:33:59.599 left and right. When you get to the cervical region, head to the 4102 05:33:59.599 --> 05:34:03.479 shoulders and nothing smooth with attention as they are right now. Now look at 4103 05:34:03.560 --> 05:34:08.400 the front area of the trunk and climb back up from the pubis. Go 4104 05:34:08.439 --> 05:34:14.720 up the abdomen and watch the breathing and the movements and sensations of your abdomen. 4105 05:34:15.040 --> 05:34:19.680 Climb through the diaphragm and climb through the rib rib box to the rib 4106 05:34:19.759 --> 05:34:25.479 until you reach your chest. From there he goes on to visualize the clavicle. 4107 05:34:26.959 --> 05:34:30.799 Now travel with your scanner to the periphery of your arms and focus on 4108 05:34:30.880 --> 05:34:37.000 your fingers and nails. Observe the sensations that can wake up, tingling itching, 4109 05:34:37.680 --> 05:34:44.240 humidity, temperature, etc. Go through all your thumb index heart, 4110 05:34:44.639 --> 05:34:49.439 ring and pinky. Observe the separation and space they occupy and not values differences. 4111 05:34:51.959 --> 05:34:56.919 Walk through the palm of your hands and then the back continues to climb 4112 05:34:56.000 --> 05:35:00.520 up the wrists, forearms and elbows, until you reach back or back to 4113 05:35:00.599 --> 05:35:04.360 the shoulders. Go up your neck, go through your throat and get to 4114 05:35:04.479 --> 05:35:10.560 your head and stop at your chin and see how your lower and upper jaw 4115 05:35:10.639 --> 05:35:15.360 is. See if there' s tension, since it' s an area 4116 05:35:15.439 --> 05:35:21.319 where it usually accumulates. If there is relaxation, keep climbing through the cheekbones, 4117 05:35:21.720 --> 05:35:25.759 ears, nostrils, eyes, eyebrows, and forehead up to the top 4118 05:35:25.880 --> 05:35:34.200 of your head, the highest point of your body. Now get ready to 4119 05:35:34.200 --> 05:35:38.759 breathe, imagining how renewed air comes in when you inspire and run through your 4120 05:35:38.840 --> 05:35:44.000 whole body, from your feet to your head, and how then the worn 4121 05:35:44.319 --> 05:35:47.919 air comes out, when you exhale and pass through your whole body again, 4122 05:35:48.240 --> 05:35:52.159 from your head to your feet. How are you? You liked the experience. 4123 05:35:52.840 --> 05:35:57.560 You can open your eyes. How you feel after this exercise. It 4124 05:35:59.599 --> 05:36:03.119 helps me a lot to connect with the present moment. When I feel very 4125 05:36:03.159 --> 05:36:08.520 overwhelmed, I lie down and exercise. If I can give you time and 4126 05:36:08.599 --> 05:36:12.400 if I don' t have a lot of time because I' m working 4127 05:36:12.840 --> 05:36:17.439 on the street or with more people, I do it in a quick version, 4128 05:36:17.880 --> 05:36:18.400 which would be doing the same thing, but without stopping too much in 4129 05:36:18.400 --> 05:36:21.159 each area. I imagine how the beam of light passes through my body in 4130 05:36:21.279 --> 05:36:25.599 a matter of seconds. To be able to do the quick version you need 4131 05:36:25.759 --> 05:36:29.799 to have practiced the slow one several times, because thus the feeling of relaxation 4132 05:36:29.880 --> 05:36:33.880 is already associated with exercise and it is easier to reach the state of calm 4133 05:36:33.880 --> 05:36:37.360 in the short version. If you haven' t been able to relax, 4134 05:36:38.000 --> 05:36:45.279 you can try again another time. Your safe place. Now we' re 4135 05:36:45.360 --> 05:36:48.080 going to build inside you a safe place, a place you can go to 4136 05:36:48.200 --> 05:36:52.200 whenever you need it. You can take your inner child to that place whenever 4137 05:36:52.240 --> 05:37:00.880 you notice that you need safe senses and calm instructions. If you sit down 4138 05:37:00.000 --> 05:37:04.680 and make yourself comfortable with this exercise, you can do it with your eyes 4139 05:37:04.680 --> 05:37:07.560 closed or open. You can read the first and then do it with your 4140 05:37:07.680 --> 05:37:12.319 eyes closed or do it directly with your eyes open. Evocate a place where 4141 05:37:12.400 --> 05:37:17.799 you feel safe and calm. It can be a beach, a country, 4142 05:37:18.319 --> 05:37:21.799 a forest, a park, your parents' house, your grandmother' s 4143 05:37:21.840 --> 05:37:26.240 house, your little room. It' s about going mentally to a place 4144 05:37:26.360 --> 05:37:32.000 where you feel at ease. It' s always not worth any trouble at 4145 05:37:32.080 --> 05:37:36.759 some point. For example, it is not advisable to evoke your parents' 4146 05:37:36.840 --> 05:37:41.959 house and relate it to screaming arguments and you felt bad there once you have 4147 05:37:41.080 --> 05:37:48.240 it answers these questions. Why that place is safe for you what you do 4148 05:37:48.319 --> 05:37:55.080 while you' re in that place you' re imagining or remembering, Notice 4149 05:37:55.200 --> 05:38:00.119 in detail how that chosen place looks at everything around you is day or night. 4150 05:38:02.599 --> 05:38:07.720 It' s an outdoor place, hot or cold. There' s 4151 05:38:08.119 --> 05:38:12.720 something you can hear. Invade by the feeling of feeling safe. Imagine that 4152 05:38:12.840 --> 05:38:18.560 you keep the sense of security in your chest. You can put your hands 4153 05:38:18.639 --> 05:38:23.400 in that area of your body. The warmth that feels great. Let a 4154 05:38:23.520 --> 05:38:30.319 word come to you that represents that place. You can be home, home 4155 05:38:30.799 --> 05:38:37.959 flowers sun beach. This word will anchor the sense of security. Whenever you 4156 05:38:37.040 --> 05:38:41.439 need to feel safe, close your eyes, place your hands on your chest 4157 05:38:41.479 --> 05:38:47.799 and evoke that place. Next to the word associated your compass so you never 4158 05:38:47.919 --> 05:38:52.959 get lost. You' ve ever felt lost in life. Don' t 4159 05:38:52.959 --> 05:38:56.279 worry. It' s very common. Good because something' s over. 4160 05:38:56.680 --> 05:39:00.240 Good because you have to start over, good because you have an impressive mental 4161 05:39:00.360 --> 05:39:04.439 cocoa. Good because your rational brain and your emotional brain. They fight, 4162 05:39:04.799 --> 05:39:10.360 you get lost they tell you. You have to think x, feel X 4163 05:39:10.400 --> 05:39:15.759 and do X and you go and think and feel h and you do w 4164 05:39:15.880 --> 05:39:21.119 of course. It' s amazing because for many tools you have to manage 4165 05:39:21.119 --> 05:39:23.599 yourself. It can happen to you anyway. There comes a day when you 4166 05:39:23.759 --> 05:39:29.680 don' t know which way to choose what to do in those moments of 4167 05:39:29.680 --> 05:39:33.560 vital blockade. It' s good to jump into the pool. I have 4168 05:39:33.680 --> 05:39:37.759 to think about it a little bit more. First remember what I said in 4169 05:39:37.840 --> 05:39:44.759 I love you about intuition and reason. Then do this exercise. Draw a 4170 05:39:44.840 --> 05:39:49.520 compass with its four cardinal points. You can do it with all the details 4171 05:39:49.520 --> 05:39:56.279 you want. Think of four values that represent you. These will correspond to 4172 05:39:56.360 --> 05:40:00.959 the four cardinal points North, South, East and o. This compass is 4173 05:40:02.080 --> 05:40:06.319 a magical object because you will not always point to the north, but the 4174 05:40:06.360 --> 05:40:10.599 values that will guide you at a certain time. Place each of the four 4175 05:40:10.759 --> 05:40:17.639 values at one cardinal point remember that none is more important than another. From 4176 05:40:17.680 --> 05:40:21.560 now on, as long as you have to choose a path and don' 4177 05:40:21.639 --> 05:40:23.959 t know which one you think. If I go this way, I will 4178 05:40:25.040 --> 05:40:27.919 be able to fulfill one of my four most important values in life. For 4179 05:40:29.040 --> 05:40:34.119 example, if I choose this job, I will be faithful to my honesty, 4180 05:40:34.360 --> 05:40:40.919 if not. Then think about it myself, when I find no harmony 4181 05:40:41.000 --> 05:40:44.119 between what I do, what I think and what I feel, I look 4182 05:40:44.200 --> 05:40:47.720 at my compass and act according to what it indicates. So, whatever happens. 4183 05:40:48.560 --> 05:40:52.799 I' ll be able to sleep quietly at night, because I' 4184 05:40:52.919 --> 05:40:55.639 ll know that I' ve acted according to my values. If you always 4185 05:40:55.720 --> 05:41:00.639 act according to your values, you will never regret what you do This exercise 4186 05:41:00.720 --> 05:41:04.599 can also be done with your partner, friend or family member. What I 4187 05:41:04.680 --> 05:41:08.880 recommend if it is done with other people, is to decide and put together 4188 05:41:10.000 --> 05:41:14.479 the four values that most represent the relationship. In this way, whatever you 4189 05:41:14.520 --> 05:41:18.720 do, you will always go in favor of those four values that most identify 4190 05:41:19.080 --> 05:41:26.000 your tools. In this book you have acquired a series of tools that can 4191 05:41:26.040 --> 05:41:30.279 help you understand your past and heal your present. My recommendation is that you 4192 05:41:30.319 --> 05:41:33.119 put them all together in a kind of kid to wear it whenever you need 4193 05:41:33.119 --> 05:41:37.279 it. You can write them on paper and keep it in a box, 4194 05:41:37.560 --> 05:41:41.200 a boat, a chest. You can also dedicate a notebook to your personal 4195 05:41:41.279 --> 05:41:45.119 work or use your imagination and save your new tools in the way you like 4196 05:41:45.279 --> 05:41:51.599 most. In the end, what we seek with this is to materialize them 4197 05:41:51.680 --> 05:41:56.400 and dedicate a space where we always have them available, because in delicate moments 4198 05:41:56.439 --> 05:42:00.200 in which the tonsil is activated, trying to figure out how to get out 4199 05:42:00.319 --> 05:42:03.119 of the discomfort becomes a rather complicated task. If we don' t have 4200 05:42:03.200 --> 05:42:07.759 something to stop us and give us back. At the present time, your 4201 05:42:07.840 --> 05:42:11.360 tools don' t have to be specific psychotherapeutic techniques, but they can also 4202 05:42:11.360 --> 05:42:17.000 be activities that work for you at a given time. I, for example, 4203 05:42:17.479 --> 05:42:21.400 find it great to walk or practice any kind of sport on a light 4204 05:42:21.479 --> 05:42:26.040 or moderate level, because so I release tension and am distracted if you can 4205 05:42:26.159 --> 05:42:29.880 think of nothing. I also remind you that in love your sex you had 4206 05:42:29.959 --> 05:42:33.720 a list of over fifty activities to take care of yourself that can inspire you. 4207 05:42:34.119 --> 05:42:37.560 If you like this content, I invite you to subscribe to this podcast 4208 05:42:37.680 --> 05:42:41.639 for more content like this. This was Lil' s secret.