Seven, Lamb Productions Presents Cop Doctors Christmas Special twenty twenty two. I can't
believe it's been two years since COVID. I mean COVID's still around, right,
But since it's inauguration or whatever, there should be a holiday or a
remembrance like with nine to eleven. Yeah, but more festive and not as
depressingly sad. Maybe we could celebrate on like March fifth, or whenever things
really went to ship. There could be a mascot like Batty the Bat.
There could be presents and fake contaminated food. People could social distance and wear
decorative masks. We could screw over small businesses for a day and donate all
our money to Amazon in Walmart. Just a lot of festive cheer, and
the whole world could celebrate since it was worldwide, although we would have to
adjust celebration times obviously because of time zones. You think the whole world would
celebrate. I think it would bring everyone closer together. Yeah. I don't
think China would partain, but they could, but I don't think they will.
Well that's lame, listen time. Well, I think it's an interesting
idea. I don't think it will stay you don't think it'll be like the
new Christmas. No, not at all. People still love the old Christmas,
not as much now. Don't get on this again, they don't.
I think Christmas is fading. Oh boy, cheer up cookies are ready.
It was the night before Christmas and all that jazz and the doctors were baking
cookies. They were also wearing matching Christmas onesies. It was so cute,
although if it were the fifties they would probably receive it the rogatory remark,
an unwanted epicat like fatties or maybe something like fruit and cake. You catch
my drink? Look at my cookies. They're little gingerbread men, just plain
gingerbread men. Yeah, you're not making any specific gingerbread men. No,
just plain regular light brown gingerbread man. Good. No need to make the
same mistake like last time. Oh the Rosanne thing again. I don't know
why you had to make gingerbread men with their own monotheistic religions. I was
trying to be culturally exclusive. I made a lot of different gingerbread people that
day, I know, but I think in this case you should leave out
certain groups. It's not like I was wearing a uniform, it still teated
that line of offensiveness. Well, in Roseanne's case, it was a Joe,
so she said, what about you? I was being exclusive? Uh
huh, come on, It's not like I pulled a can Ye pre or
post loving Hitler post. Although part of me wonders if it was a new
revelation for him or if he's always had those bigoted internal thoughts like David Duke.
Now that's a guy who probably doesn't have a lot of Christmas years.
I don't know. He seems like he enjoys her white Christmas. Can we
change the subject place right? Right? Well? I think the regular gingerbread
man turned out swell, and I think the ladies are here. This year,
both Nurse Betty and her friend Sally McNally were coming over to spend some
time with the cop doctor. In fact, Time had told Nurse Betty that
he loved her, so now the relationship was I mean, Nurse Betty told
Time that she would bring a date for Kase. Since Kates was totally single
and not playing the field, he wanted something more serious like Time had with
us Betty. He was even a little jealous of their blossoming relationship, so
That is why he forced Time to wear a matching onesie. Hello, Hi,
you must be Sally McNally, must I, because I am, I'm
totally Sally McNally. Case, Sally McNally is here thee Sally McNally. I
don't believe it. I can't. I can't. Welcome to our humble above
that means nice house for the lay person, and lay person means you.
I. Four of them had a whole night plan of great Christmas celebrations when
suddenly, oh my, what was that? I think that was my bedroom
window. Let's go, ladies, stay here and don't die. You got
it? Puts in here, Time and case best into the room, guns
drowne. What the hell? Hello, fellas O, it's me Santa.
The fat man sat on the edge of time, sped, head hanging low,
his sack of gifts, leaning against his legs. Oh my god,
it's you. Yes, it is I, the one and only Santa Claus.
No, no, you are not Santa, but I am, and
I'm sad. Listen, we know you're a fat meth head with nothing better
to do than to bother us the night before Christmas. This has happened the
last two years. Yeah, we're not falling for it again. But I
am Santa. You're not. And what the hell did you do to my
window? I accidentally broke it when I kicked it. You kicked it?
Yes, then it wasn't an accident. Listen, I needed in. Things
have gone so for poor old Santa. You're not Santa. Things have gotten
really bad. The cop doctors stood there for a long time waiting. Ah,
you want us to ask what's wrong? Don't you? Aren't you worried
about poor old Santa. You're not Santa? But I am you're not.
We know you're not. Okay, listen, I'm going to finally reveal the
truth this year. I Eh, yeah, I am Santa. I just
pretended to be a druggie with no purpose to fool you guys, because Santa
isn't supposed to truly reveal himself. Where's that written? The good book,
the Bible? No, you fucking idiot. A Christmas Carol Santa doesn't curse.
Yeah, you're right, sorry about that, And that's not in a
Christmas Carol. Okay, maybe it was nothing less Forever I can't remember,
I'm Santa, not an editor for Penguin Publishing. She no You're not Santa.
You're a druggie who just broke into our house for good reason. I
understand you too, don't trust me, But I came here because you two
are the only ones in the city that embody the Christmas spirit. Really,
Yes, that's why I'm here. Santa had fallen on hard times before.
You didn't know what it's like to deliver millions upon millions of presents to kids
all around the world each year, all the while people lambast you. The
Christmas spirit has been waning for decades, and now it's at an all time
low. Ah the opposite of the Rita Coolidge song. Wasn't that referenced in
Atlas Avenue Beat? I don't know. I don't listen to audio comedies.
They're dumb, Yeah, I usually listen to something more sophisticated and thought provoking.
Hey, the only thing dumb about atlass Berry? Fuck that guy.
Can we get back on topic. Fine, Everything I'm saying about the Christmas
spirit is true. That you said this all before, and each time we
reveal you aren't actually Santa, people are coming for me. Drug dealers.
Did you rap someone off again? Not drug dealers. People who don't understand
the Christmas spirit. We are not falling for it again. Will you let
it go? I'm Santa, I am. I got in here because I
parked my reindeer on the roof. I was trying to finish my deliveries.
But now with these people coming after me, these anti religion, anti tradition
blowhards who only want to tear down the fabric of society and live in some
post capitalist world of flowers and rainbows, devoid of taxes and critical thinking.
They want to hurt me. So I'm not even asking for your helper se.
I just need you to help the children hide my gifts for me.
I've delivered most of them, but I need to hide the rest so they
don't take these children's presence. No, no, we have guests over.
We want to celebrate and have a good time. You still can't help me.
Hide these presents and I'll leave. I'll lead these horrible Christmas killers away.
You're not worried, but they'll do to you. I'm just worried about
the children. I don't care about me. In fact, I'll leave right
now. Just hide the presents and I'll handle the rest myself, going all
violent night on them. David Harbor. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Maybe
I'm done hiding, I'm done running. Let them face me head on,
let them just try to destroy Christmas. Maybe when I'm gone, people will
then realize what they once had. I want to believe, but it's okay.
I wasn't always trustworthy, so I understand. But let me say this.
I heard your conversation earlier when you were baking cookies. You two believe
that the Christmas spirit is fading, especially you Time, and I agree with
you. This is a harsh world we live in. Damn it. Case
and Time shared a quick glance. Fine, We're sorry, Santa. Santa
could not help but smile real big, realizing he finally won over the cup
doctor. That is until the sirens. But the oh crap, they found
me? Who found you? The police? A bunch of police showed up
outside the apartment. Time went to the window and beer it out. Hey,
fellas, what's going on? Is there a guy dressed as Santa out
there? There is busted? What did you do? Nothing? I swear
so the police are after you. Those are the anti related and anti tradition
blowhards. You know we're cops too, write I just needed help Oh man,
what's in the sack? A dead hooker? Oh? Come on,
So once again, all that stuff about Christmas spirit and reindeers and children's presence,
all of that was a lie. How do you hear our conversation?
Evan, I've been hiding on your roof for like four hours. By the
way, the cookie smell fantastic. Thank you. I can't believe we were
duped again. There's something else what I have? COVID Copductors Cop Doctors Written
and edited by Robert M. Lamb, starring Jack Austin as Just in Case
and Robert M. Lamb as justin Time. Co starring Hope, Ennis,
Amy Lay, Mike Lenhart, and Jack Austen as a bunch of other characters.
Music provided by Kevin McLoud of incompetech dot com. If you enjoy this
podcast, don't forget to rate and review and visit www dot seven lamb dot
com for more podcasts such as this one. This has been a seven Lamb production.