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A Christmas Present Assurance Company by C. H. Grinling. I was so

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worn out when I got home on
the Saturday before Christmas Day that I was

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obliged to go straight off to bed. You see, I had been out

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shopping all day, buying Christmas presents. It is an old custom in our

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family always to give every member a
present at Christmas time. It is not

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the price of the gift we value
so much as the affectionate spirit which it

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shows. And yet, for all
that we are, every one of us

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always more touchy after our Christmas shopping
than at any other time in the year.

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Indeed, it was to escape from
the general irritation just as much as

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from over fatigue that I was glad
to get off to bed early that evening.

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I fell asleep directly. I got
between the blankets, and presently I

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dreamed the most extraordinary dream. In
the first place, I dreamed that I

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was an old and valued contributor to
the public press, a sufficiently wild idea,

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considering that I have at home a
large box full of manuscripts returned with

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the editor's compliments and regrets. Then
I found myself entering an office, on

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the door of which was inscribed the
Christmas Wedding and Birthday Present Assurance Company.

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The manager of the company received me
cordially, Yes, he said in reply

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to my queries. And then at
once it flashed upon me that I must

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be interviewing him for an article.
Yes, the idea of our company has

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caught on and we are doing a
rattling business already. What precisely is the

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object of your business? I inquired, or at least I dreamt I did,

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and I remember feeling pleased that I
was doing this thing in the right

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style. Why to save people the
trouble and expense of buying Christmas, Birthday

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and wedding presents? Was the reply. You see, everyone has to give

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such gifts nowadays, and to people
with many relations and friends, it is

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becoming an important item of expenditure as
well as a serious call on their time.

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You know how you feel yourself when
Christmas is drawing near, or a

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friend is going to be married,
or a birthday in the family is approaching.

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You say to yourself, I must
give so and so a present,

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But I'm sure I don't know what
to get, and I really can't afford

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the time just now to spend half
a day ransacking the shops, and so

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you put the thing off till it
can't be postponed any longer. Then you

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go in desperation into the first shop
you come to and either spend twice as

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much as you meant to, or
buy something which you are a shore aim

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to send. Yes, that's so, I said, But how do you

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propose to help me by taking the
whole thing off your hands? You take

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out a policy with us, pay
a year's premium, and we choose and

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pay for the presents you have occasion
to give in the year. But who

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judges what I ought to give?
I asked, remembering how long I had

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discussed with myself whether my wife's aunt
would be offended if I left her out

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this year. Oh, trust that
to us. We have experts in etiquette

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who can decide these points to a
nicety. Now suppose you want a general

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policy covering all sorts of presents.
Well, you are a middle class man

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with a small family, a moderate
number of relations, and a not very

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large circle of middle class friends.
Our actuary would probably estimate our risk at

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taking you at about fifteen pounds per
annum for that we should undertake to give

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your wife and children each two suitable
presents during the year Christmas and Birthday.

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Then we should give one present each, probably at Christmas, to half a

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dozen selected relations annually. We should
also send wedding presents to such of your

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friends as might be married during the
year. That last would be an uncertain

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item, would it not? I
queried a little so perhaps, But one

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year balances another. You see,
we have a very strict set of rules

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drawn up by a committee of authors
of etiquette primmers as to what persons are

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called upon to give one another wedding
presence. When you want us to send

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a wedding gift on your behalf,
you would have to prove either that the

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bridegroom or bride had given such a
present to you or your or that you

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were in the habit of taking at
least one meal in a month in the

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house of the parents of one or
other of the happy pair. Afternoon teas

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don't count as meals. In the
case of old schoolfellows, we don't admit

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liability unless an uninterrupted correspondence has been
maintained since separation. In the case of

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ladies, we require at least monthly
letters. We have not so far had

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an instance of a man wishing us
to give a present to an old school

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chom and do I have no voice
in the selection of the gifts I asked?

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You may if you like, within
certain fixed limits, But we recommend

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our clients to leave the matter entirely
in our hands. You see from our

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large experience we are thoroughly qualified to
decide matters of the greatest delicacy. Already

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we have statistics carefully compiled which show
the precise age two a month at which

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rattles and India rubber suckers begin to
pall on infants. And we can also

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advise with confidence as to when it
is safe to entrust young children with tin

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soldiers, mechanical toys, et cetera, which it would do them harm to

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suck or swallow. In cases of
special difficulty, we usually ask for photographs

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of the recipients. By a glance
at a boy's tie or boots, we

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can always tell whether he will most
appreciate a book or a malacca cane.

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And if a girl has her hair
up, we know we are safe in

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sending gloves or trinkets. Do the
gifts you send usually give satisfaction? In

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nearly all instances you see our experience
is so valuable in delicate cases, such

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as mothers in law and maiden aunts. We never commit the common blunder of

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giving such ladies a costly pre present
one year and nothing the next. More

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family quarrels are caused by the sudden
stopping of presents previously given, than by

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not making any gifts at all.
But perhaps you would like to see our

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store rooms. Walk this way.
I followed my guide into a large warehouse

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which had all the appearances of a
fancy fair. One counter looked like a

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toy shop, another resembled a tobacconist's, a third a bookseller's, and so

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on. In the children's section,
I found a very large assortment of most

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ingenious mechanical toys and puzzles. But
I looked in vain for the Noah's arks,

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picture books and fairy tales which so
delighted my own childhood. Have children's

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tastes changed, so I asked,
with reference to these, No was the

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reply. The children still like them, But nowadays toys like pantomimes and circuses,

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though ostensibly for the children, have
to interest and amuse the parents as

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well. This toy music hall,
for example, with its automatic skirt dancers

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and knock about artists is a very
popular line. And so are these musical

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boxes which play all the latest Coster
songs. Both of those are presents sure

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to give satisfaction in cases of children
from one year old upwards. But come

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this way and I will show you
our latest development, so saying, the

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manager led me into an adjoining room, which, to my amazement I found

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filled with such articles as coal scuttles, sauce pans, brooms, basins and

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ewers, and other miscellaneous domestic utensils. What I exclaimed, you don't mean

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to say that people give useful things
like these as presents. Why the millennium

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must be approaching? The manager smiled. No, he said, this is

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a separate undertaking from the present assurance. We call this the wedding present clearing

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house. All the articles you see
on this shelf are marked equivalent to salad

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bulls. Now, a salad bowl
is a very favorite article for a wedding

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present. You see, it is
handsome and genteel and not too expensive,

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and it looks well in a printed
list of gifts. The result is that

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it is not an uncommon thing for
a young married couple to receive from ten

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to twenty of these bowls. Well, one salad bowl is quite sufficient for

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a family of two persons, even
if they are vegetarians, so something must

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be done with the others. Some
ladies make them up into flower vases,

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but many now bring them to us
and exchange them for any of the useful

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articles on this shelf which they may
be in need of. We are glad

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of the bulls, which we send
out again in our next batch of wedding

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gifts. The articles on the next
shelf are a better class of goods.

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We give them in exchange for silver
candlesticks or side dishes, of which young

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couples usually have a large surplus.
I wish your clearing house had been in

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existence when I married, I exclaimed, with the distant recollection of a number

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of silver articles which my wife put
away years ago in tissue paper, and

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which now never saw the light.
Perhaps even now it is not too late.

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What do you say, Madeline,
my dear, I said to my

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wife, who now seemed to be
by my side. What's that you're talking

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about? Came the reply in my
wife's voice. I asked you to go

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to the nursery to see what's the
matter. With the children. They've been

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crying for the last ten minutes.
I think one of them must have tumbled

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out of bed. I hurriedly pulled
on some clothes and sallied forth. I

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found my two youngsters sitting on their
bed and howling. It appeared they had

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got up in the middle of the
night to see what Santa Claus had put

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in their stockings, and they were
weeping because there was only one layer in

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the boxes of chocolates instead of two
like last year. I comforted them with

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promises of another box each and went
back to bed. It's disgraceful, I

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said to my wife, and I
shall write to the company about it tomorrow

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morning. Madeline stared at me,
and then I remembered that I had bought

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the chocolates myself at a bargain at
the confectioners round the corner, and that

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the Christmas Wedding and Birthday Present Assurance
Company was only a dream, and of

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a Christmas Present Assurance Company by C. H. Grinling