You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app. You know, I keep saying that because of my social media,
people listen to me or watch me from around the globe, around the country,
and you know they can download. You can if you listen the iHeartRadio
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You can also if you miss shows, you can go back and listen
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I just want to say that that's the way to listen to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show. So you can also follow me on my social media. The
handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh. I'm collecting people
most on Instagram these days because TikTok is keeps trying to shadow ban me.
Last time, I was trying to go live when we're on the show,
and it said you don't have authorization to go live anymore. I'm like,
what the heck? You know, the Chinese operating things and so just come
over to Instagram. It's a good American company and we'll build some people there
at Doctor Wendy Walsh. All right, so you can send private messages in
my DMS. You should know that if I ever answer the question on the
radio, I will not identify you at all. I am not going to
say your name or profile number. No, I'm not going to do that
because the reason why I know some of you send me questions privately is because
you don't want to be on the radio. You're embarrassed. These are really
sensitive things. So I get that. So here we go. Let's go
into the IGDMS today. Here's the first one. Hey, doctor Wendy,
are more men having sexual performance problems? Can't maintain an erection, trouble climaxing,
climaxing way too soon. This has happened with almost every guy I've been
with, and it's really eating at my own self esteem, is it me?
Okay? So I'm not a sex therapist, I'm not a sexologist.
I'm a psychology professor. But I read the research, and the research is
saying it's not like more men are having these problems, but for some men,
some of the things that could be creating. The problems include alcohol,
could include using too much pornography. You see, here's the thing about pornography.
There's no actual diagnosis of pornography addiction, but some people have a compulsion
to use pornography regularly. Now, you have to understand that part of having
a sexual relationship is being able to fantasize, right, especially if you have
long term monogamy. You've got to have some pretty pictures in your head to
keep all the excitement going. And when men are presented with new and exciting
images of different women every single day, it's very difficult for them to perform
when they're looking at the same woman every time. And just like navigation in
our cars dumbs us down. Do you remember when we had entire maps of
Los Angeles in our head. We barely even looked at the Thomas Guide anymore.
And now we're going around the corner of the store and we punch it
in right, because it's dumbed us down. Well, in the same way,
pornography kind of dumbs down your brain, takes away your ability to fantasize
and imagine. So sometimes that's what's happening. Sex therapists are seeing increased diagnoses
of what's called DEE delayed ejaculation, where they can become aroused but not finish,
and then as far as climaxing too soon. I once interviewed a urologist
who told me that when that happens in young men, it's usually because one
time it happens because it's a physiological thing. It's a fluke. They had
a stressful day, they drank too much, whatever, something happened, right,
and then they get worried about it, and then it's the anxiety that
causes it to continue to happen. Right. So it's about talking about these
things and having trust. But no, it's not you, Okay, it's
not you. It's just how you're choosing. And what a lot of young
men the pressures they're being faced with today. All right, Uh, dear
doctor Wendy. Today my boyfriend told me that his mom wants him to quote,
move back to Texas and dat a white girl. Oh uh, a
racist mom. Uh, Doctor Wendy, tell me what I should do,
please? I don't know. I don't know. She doesn't like me although
we've never met. Oh, I am Asian and I really love him.
He seems to be considering his mom's wants. Well, that's a mom with
a lot of power. But remember I told you I got married at the
age of twenty one because of pressure from my mom, and so they do
have a lot of sway, those moms. But I think you're going to
want to talk to him about you know, you're his future, she's his
past, and that's a lot to put on a son. And then the
whole racist thing. Oh oh oh, oh, No, you need to
be firm with him and make a stake in this and say, there's a
new sheriff in town. Okay, there is a new sheriff in town,
and it is you, and you're gonna call the shots, not mom.
And if he thinks his racist mom is more important than you, then I
would let that dude go. Okay ooh man, oh man. All right,
Dear doctor Wendy, I really like someone who snores. Oh. I
don't want it to be a deal breaker, but as a light sleeper,
it's making me question if I can actually be with someone who snores. I
don't want to have to sleep with earplugs for the rest of my life,
or be resentful about being tired, or sleep on the couch. Help Okay,
Well, this might be a deal breaker for you at the very beginning
of relationship. You're allowed to have as many deal breakers as you want.
And I'm gonna share something with you. I snore, apparently, my gastro
terrologist tells me when I woke up from my endoscopy, I bet you snore
a lot, she says, after she'd been down there with a camera.
Turns out, I got scar tissue on my esophagus that's causing some because it
doesn't come out my nose or my mouth. That's coming like from my chest
somewhere. Anyway, So my sweet Julio sleeps beside me. Well, I
shake, rattle and roll and move thunder beside him. And I asked him
about this because I had actually read this question earlier when it was in my
DMS, And so I said, you know, what do I say to
this person? And he goes, well, I said, why do you
stay with me? His joke is when I say, oh my honey,
did my snoring wake you up? I've never heard myself snore. By the
way, I don't know what it is. He'll have to take me sometime.
Other people tell me. He always says, Now, I'm a New
Yorker. I'm used to background noise. That's how New Yorkers sleep, right.
But then he told me yesterday when I asked him about it, that
because I waited so long to sleep with him, See, ladies, he
was all in and he was going to put up with anything at that point
because he was already in love with me. I think we waited about six
or eight weeks before we may love. So basically, he put up with
me because he was already in love. Okay, got more of your DMS,
more of your relationship questions. Remember, I'm not a therapist. I'm
a psychology professor. But boy, do I have opinions. I'll address them
when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to
KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Going
to the DMS on Instagram today If you'd like to follow me, the handle
everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. All right, and
I will keep you anonymous if you send me a DM. Okay, let's
head to the first question I'm finding there on the DMS. Dear Doctor Wendy,
when someone tells you he's scared of marrying you because of the many fights
you two have had, he wants to see first if the petty fights are
going to stop and if the relationship will get better in terms of less fighting,
more understanding, less drama, not giving him a hard time arguing about
simple things. I want us to move in together because my daughter and I
share a place with my other family. But I sense my boyfriend's not willing
to move in with me. Would you stay? It's been almost three years.
I feel like he's testing the waters before he fully commits. All right,
you guys are late to this party. It's three years and you still
don't have healthy conflict resolution skills. What I said earlier is that healthy relationships
often involve regular conflict, but the conflict is small, lovely border skirmishes,
not you nagging and arguing over You're calling them simple things, and you're calling
them petty fights, and he's wondering if they're just magically going to stop,
your words going to stop, and if the relationship will just get better,
Well, here's the thing. Relationships don't just get better. Petty fights don't
just stop. You have to do the work. The two of you should
immediately go see a couple's therapist and say you're thinking about getting married. You've
been together three years. However, you don't have good conflict resolution skills and
you'd like to learn some better techniques, some better strategies. It's time to
do the work. You can't expect him to step up to the plate and
marry you if you guys haven't figured things out, because then you're going to
be in divorce court and ooh, what a fight that's going to be.
Not petty at all, you'll see. Thanks for writing in. Okay,
moving on, dear doctor Wendy, I need some advice. Okay. I've
been dating my guy almost seven months and now we are seeing each other almost
every day and I sleep over his place every time. He always asked me
to go out, and we always do some fun things when we're together.
He shows his love by his actions, but he never says the words I
love you, and I've been waiting for that should I say it first?
Okay? I have a few things to say about this. At seven months,
you shouldn't be sleeping over at his place every day. That's way too
much, too soon. Okay, and now you want more the words I
love you? Slow down the pace. I know at the beginning there's a
little cocooning. It's so much fun. But now, don't lose yourself in
this relationship. Don't have him lose himself in this relationship. Make sure that
you still see your friends, make sure that you still do the things that
you like to do separate from him. Okay, the other thing you said,
I really liked. He asked me to go out. We do some
fun things. He shows his love by his actions, but he never says
the words. Okay, so you feel loved. He's showing you he loves
you. Do you need to hear the words? You know, trying to
get somebody else to do things is a lot harder than just doing what you
want to do. So your next question, should you say it first?
Absolutely? The research shows that men fall in love first. Women often say
the words first. It opens the door to the conversation about it, and
usually around seven months is the time that's around the time that I said it
to Julio, maybe even a little earlier, maybe five months, and so
that's around the time. You're right on schedule here. Now. Your fear
is that if you say I love you and he doesn't say it back.
Like I've heard sometimes women will say I love you and he goes thank you.
Don't grill him on it. Just let it sit, Okay, don't
be anxious, contain yourself. There's nothing wrong with you expressing your feelings.
And then after maybe a few weeks, and maybe you've said it a couple
times, then you might say, I noticed you haven't said the words I
love you. Are those words hard for you to say? Or are you
not feeling it? Uh huh? And then be ready for the answer.
I will say that. All right, here we go, dear doctor Wendy.
We have been together for less than a year. We spend time together
two to four times a week. Sounds good. We text every day one
to three hours in between each text. WHOA you guys are ameshed pretty quickly,
Okay. I mean I've been with Julio three years. If we do
one text a day during the day, that's you know, it's like what
should I pick up for dinner? Or what time I'm gonna be home.
That's what texts are for, because we have a lot to talk about when
we see each other. Okay, uh, we talk on the phone two
to three times a week. That's good, depending on how often we've seen
each other that week. We do relationship check ins. And he mentioned the
second time again, oh oh, that he feels disconnected when we're not together.
We agreed to have a deeper conversation when we text. No, text
is not for deeper conversation, and tell him that right now. Tell him
doctor Wendy said that, but he still feels disconnected. And now it's two
months later. I'm very confused and is bothering me a lot. What does
he want to be together twenty four to seven? Oh, he imagines that
because he might have an anxious attachment disorder, and so he's always part of
his model for love involves feelings of abandonment and loss, so he's going to
look for them anywhere. So the answer, of course always I say this,
go to couple's therapy and talk about it. But why don't you start
with saying something like I don't feel disconnected when I'm separate from you. I
trust you, I trust our love, I trust our relationship. I look
forward to the next time we'll be together. But I don't sit in a
place of loss. I'm wondering why you do, because I don't think it's
related to me. It might be related to something else that happened in your
life, and there you go. You're off to the races. Call a
therapist because you're gonna have to sort it out. Dear doctor Wendy, last
question we have time for. Why do men become disrespectful when you turn them
down? Because their feelings are hurt and they get angry. That's so,
and that's why women try to be Men have trouble reading women's signals because women
are so afraid that you know, he's going to kill them if they hurt
his tender little feelings that we don't like. To go, no, I'm
not into you, Just move away, right. We don't do that.
We go okay, No, I'm busy next week, I'm seeing somebody right
now or whatever. Those are all rejections. Guys. Yes, they get
angry because their feelings are hurt and move along. You know those are not
healthy guys to move along when we come back. Speaking of angry men or
angry women. There's a new kind of dating violence out there. I'll talk
about it when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty, but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio Appute.
You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy All Show on KFI A six forty. A reminder, I'm not a
therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I've written three books on relationships and
did a dissertation on attachment theory. I'm a little bit obsessed with the science
of love. You know, there is a dark side to human mating strategy,
and it is stalking and violence, often when it comes at the hands
of a male. It has to do with how men express an anxious attachment
style through control. The underbelly of their anger is a deep fear of abandonment.
They're so afraid that person will leave them that they express anger or emotional
abuse. One technique of mates who try to mate guard keep their female mate
close is to put her down, to make her have low self esteem so
that she won't feel confident enough to go out and enter the mating marketplace again.
But also they use violence and control in many ways, and it's a
terrible cycle. Sadly, even with young people, and especially with young people
dating teen dating violence is on the rise. And I do want to say
that if you are experiencing any kind of violence in your relationship, that you
contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline It's just the hotline dot com and get resources
in your area to help you. I am a survivor of domestic violence.
I know how hard it was to leave. I mean, my friends held
a whole intervention trying to get me to leave. I know how hard it
was to heal and recover and learn how to have healthy relationships. But I
also know it's all possible. So recently, with the rise of the Internet
and social media, there was a new form of dating violence that has come
on the scene. Psychologists call it cyber violence, using technology to control,
humiliate, or threaten somebody. You see, this young generation of young adults
has grown up in a digital world. Their entire life is posted publicly on
their social media. Not a good idea. You know, there's a high
correlation between social media use body image issues, low self esteem, depression,
and anxiety in women. But there it is. They take pictures of everything
as it's going on, and so there are different kinds of cyber violence.
It might be taking an unauthorized photo and sharing it. So this kind of
revenge porn we now have laws against, however, where the fines are relatively
small, and there's a very big loophole in the revenge porn. That's where
you know. I'm sorry, young people, I just want to say it.
Don't take pictures of yourself having sex with him. Don't take naked pictures
and send them to him. Don't don't. Don't when women do do it,
at least cut your head off, right, So don't don't show your
head in the picture, face in the picture. I just think it's not
a good idea because the digital life of those photographs will live forever and ever,
and someday you're going to be studying for your boards of something, medical
boards, the getting your law something. There's some board it's gonna dig up
something. I don't know. It's on my mind because I just saw Oppenheimer.
I was like that kangaroo court. They really slandered him, and so
so what I also know a story. So here's the loophole I mentioned.
There's a loophole. The loophole is if you send him. If a woman's
ends a man, a naked picture of herself is considered a gift and he
can do whatever he wants with it. And I have heard a story of
a woman who took some fun naked pictures of herself with the guy playing around
whatever, and then she went into the bathroom. He took her phone and
sent the pictures. He made sure he used her phone to take the attractive,
beautiful pictures, and he sent the pictures from her phone to his phone,
and then he can post them anywhere. And you know, ladies,
they make money off these pictures too. I cannot begin to tell you the
degree of pain and humiliation that women feel when they have been publicly shamed this
way. It's completely sexist. Of course, men are off there sending you
pictures of their appendage all day long, and they don't care where it ends
up. They're happy if you post it everywhere, right, And that is
the sexual double standard. So this is one form of cyber violence on a
unauthorized photo sharing But there's another thing that goes on and this is sort of
the I want you to share my location just for your safety. Okay,
I want to see where you are. Wait did you post that picture from
wherever? I didn't know you were there? Right, So they're starting to
control using technology your whereabouts. The problem is many young people think that this
is love. They have this idea that real love is possessive, real love
is immersive, real love is exclusive, that it is intense, that is
all consuming, and yes, it's a little bit irrational, because that's what
makes it real love. No, this isn't real love. If he's saying
where are you or she's saying she could be stocking you. Guys, where
are you share your location with me? Now? Like, here's a subtle
one. They'll start to say. And it's in the early stages of dating,
and so you're not at a stage where you're checking in even every day.
But he's starting to exert his control. So he says something like,
I know you're going out to the movie with your girlfriends tonight. Do me
a favor. Just call me before you go to sleep so I can hear
your voice and I want to make sure you got in safely. He doesn't
give a hoot about your safety. He doesn't need to just hear your voice.
He wants to make sure you're in bed alone. Right. That's the
controlling. That's how it works, okay. And the other thing that propels
this kind of cyber violence are these romantic myths that if somebody's jealous, they
must really love you, or that the sexism that's out there that women should
behave in a certain way online compared to men. All of this is dangerous
because the problem with cyber violence, besides the fact that it can cause harm,
deep emotional harm all on its own, is it can lead to other
forms of control and ultimately violence. So I want you to be aware of
this. You have control people. You don't have to share your location,
you don't have to share those pictures, you don't have to take those pictures.
I just want to say this, all right, when we come back,
are you thinking about getting a divorce? Are you trying to find a
way to tell your spouse that you'd like a divorce. I've got some tips
for you on that. When we come back, you're listening to The Doctor,
Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back
to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio App. I got divorce from that early childhood marriage. I
was twenty one when I got married, and it lasted during my college tenure
and by the time I graduated, I graduated from him. I did it
in the most unhealthy way possible. I had an affair, maybe more than
one of until he found out a couple times, and then he's like,
you know, it's like that's what we do. We don't want to do
that emotional work, so we let other people break up with us. So
I want to tell you the healthy way to do it, because I am
the graduate of eighteen years of good therapy and I got a master's in PhD
in psychology, So I can tell you how to bring up the subject of
divorce. Number one, take the time to make sure you're certain, Go
to a licensed therapist, work out your feelings understand. Never use the divorce
conversation as a threat, like oh, I'm just going to divorce you,
or to try to get them to change their behavior. Wrong, wrong,
wrong, Only use the D word when you mean it. Now. What
I want you to do ahead of time is plan out your whole side of
the conversation, everything that you're going to say. And it's really important in
this conversation that you do not blame the other that instead you stay on your
feelings and say things like I'm not happy in this relationship. I need to
find a way to make myself happy. Because you know they're going to be
like, well, what do you want me to do? What can I
do to help you to make you feel happy. Don't put responsibility for your
happiness on somebody else. It's not their job to make you happy. You
happy, It's your job to make you happy. So you're gonna, you
know, talk about the positives as well. We've had a good, long
marriage, there were great days whatever, but in the last few years,
I feel like we've grown apart and I am very unhappy. I feel lonely
in this relationship and I want to have the opportunity to make myself happy.
Now. One of the things that your natural instinct to do, because you're
a good spouse and a nice person, and this is a difficult conversation for
you to have is you're going to feel really guilty about potentially hurting your partner,
and so that might make it hard to, you know, stick to
the facts that you have thought up. I want to remind you that sometimes
people need the gift of pain. I'll bet you they're not so happy in
this relationship too, and I'll bet you they would just plug along unless somebody
did something and made some move. So sometimes you just have to be firm.
Right. Also, they're going to trigger you because they have Before I
get to that. Let me just say this, be careful when and where
you have this conversation. So not in the morning before one of you is
heading out to work, not in front of the children. Definitely not by
text or email. Sometimes, like I'm not adverse to let's say you're away
on a business trip and you know the kids are asleep and they're at home
and they're calm too, and you're both so that you're separate, but you're
on the phone with each other. That could work. But the best of
the best, of course, is to do it in person, maybe even
out at a restaurant. So everybody has to keep on their public personality a
little bit, but they will trigger you. They're going to turn around and
gaslight you because that's their way to save the marriage. They're going to say,
you don't want to leave this marriage. You know, you just need
this or that, or you know you're the one who did that or that,
and they're going to start to make you feel guilty. They're going to
trigger you, and that's why before the conversation you want to make sure that
you work with your therapist and practice some emotional regulation strategies. Sometimes it's simple
as identifying your emotions to yourself like ooh, I felt that in my stomach,
or oh that made me feel scared, so that that you don't have
to get reactive and it doesn't turn into a big fight. Also, you
got to learn to tolerate their feelings. You're saying something that is going to
feel very hurtful to them. There's pain in this conversation. You didn't cause
the pain. The relationship had its course and its demise, but you brought
up the pain and so as a result, you also have to sit there
and deal with it. They may cry, they may feel angry. You
can't walk out of the room. You have to say things like I know
this is hard for you to hear, and you've been a great spouse,
and I know that. I'm hoping we can have a different kind of relationship
in the future, that we can still know each other or be good co
parents if there's kids. Right, You've got to find a way to tolerate.
Don't storm out and get mad because they're expressing very legitimate emotions. Right.
Also, really avoid blaming. Stay away from all those you statements.
Well, you didn't even come on with that vacation, you don't even have
sex with me, and you don't even do this. You don't even contribute
to the bills around here. No, no, no, no, no,
no no. Do not build a caste that the other spouse is all
bad and you're all good. Use we terms we've grown apart, and I
terms I'm feeling lonely in this relationship. I'm feeling unhappy. I need a
change. Stay on your own feelings, and most of all, don't rehash
the past. You guys will spiral down into going through your entire marriage with
a fine toothcomb and just say I don't want to talk about the past.
I want to talk about the future. I mentioned tolerating their pain and their
emotions. That means make sure you're actually listening to what they say. They
may have a lot of questions, they may need time to sit with this.
This is not a one time conversation, all right. I heard of
a guy who came home recently and his wife he didn't even know there were
problems. She'd called a moving truck. Her closet was empty, her furniture
was gone. She was just gone. This is well, obviously it wasn't
a healthy relationship. But if you don't have a good conflict resolution skills,
but breaking up takes many, many conversations. Okay, Now I know that
there are big life changes ahead for both of you. Obviously, your living
arrangements are going to change. Your financial situation is going to change. The
share of the children is going to change. Right, but right now,
just focus on the present, getting through these days until you sort out what
it's going to be and how you're going to do things. Stay, keep
your boundaries. If you're firm on this decision, stand firm, and when
they try to object to say, hey, no, I've made my decision.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I love you. It's not working right,
Sadly, when til Death Do Us Part was invented, death was pretty imminent.
There is no such thing as a failed relationship. A relationship of a
one night's stand, a twenty four hour relationship is not a failure if you
learn something about yourself and you learn thing about other people. Because of our
very long life expectancies, most people, the vast majority of people, will
go through a divorce at some point in their lives. It is one of
life's greatest stressors. It is a painful experience for everybody, even if you've
made the decision. But the more you can take the higher road and be
kind and compassionate and consciously uncouple, the better it will be for all involved.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I wish my best to you.
And that, oh my gosh, brings You're not divorcing me though,
right brings the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show to a close. I'm always here for
you every Sunday from seven to nine pm. As you heard, you can
send me dms on my Instagram and I'll be I want to identify you,
but I'll be happy to answer them on air. Next week I should be
taking calls again. We vacillate, go back and forth. A handle everywhere
is at Doctor Wendy Walsh. It's always a pleasure to be with you.
You've been listening to The Doctor Wendy Walsh showing Kfi a M six forty Kfi
a M six forty on demand