WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:05.280 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor 2 00:00:05.280 --> 00:00:09.320 Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio 3 00:00:09.320 --> 00:00:13.199 app. You know, I keep saying that because of my social media, 4 00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:18.199 people listen to me or watch me from around the globe, around the country, 5 00:00:18.480 --> 00:00:22.000 and you know they can download. You can if you listen the iHeartRadio 6 00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:25.519 app, you can listen to the show live, Doctor Wendy Walls Show live. 7 00:00:25.640 --> 00:00:28.960 You can also if you miss shows, you can go back and listen 8 00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:33.119 to older shows, et cetera. So you really should have the app. 9 00:00:33.520 --> 00:00:35.920 I just want to say that that's the way to listen to the Doctor Wendy 10 00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:40.200 Walls Show. So you can also follow me on my social media. The 11 00:00:40.280 --> 00:00:46.159 handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh. I'm collecting people 12 00:00:46.200 --> 00:00:51.640 most on Instagram these days because TikTok is keeps trying to shadow ban me. 13 00:00:52.159 --> 00:00:54.520 Last time, I was trying to go live when we're on the show, 14 00:00:55.039 --> 00:00:58.240 and it said you don't have authorization to go live anymore. I'm like, 15 00:00:58.280 --> 00:01:02.479 what the heck? You know, the Chinese operating things and so just come 16 00:01:02.520 --> 00:01:06.439 over to Instagram. It's a good American company and we'll build some people there 17 00:01:06.719 --> 00:01:11.159 at Doctor Wendy Walsh. All right, so you can send private messages in 18 00:01:11.280 --> 00:01:15.480 my DMS. You should know that if I ever answer the question on the 19 00:01:15.599 --> 00:01:19.120 radio, I will not identify you at all. I am not going to 20 00:01:19.239 --> 00:01:22.719 say your name or profile number. No, I'm not going to do that 21 00:01:23.519 --> 00:01:27.079 because the reason why I know some of you send me questions privately is because 22 00:01:27.079 --> 00:01:30.879 you don't want to be on the radio. You're embarrassed. These are really 23 00:01:30.280 --> 00:01:34.200 sensitive things. So I get that. So here we go. Let's go 24 00:01:34.280 --> 00:01:38.959 into the IGDMS today. Here's the first one. Hey, doctor Wendy, 25 00:01:38.439 --> 00:01:44.640 are more men having sexual performance problems? Can't maintain an erection, trouble climaxing, 26 00:01:44.719 --> 00:01:48.480 climaxing way too soon. This has happened with almost every guy I've been 27 00:01:48.599 --> 00:01:52.879 with, and it's really eating at my own self esteem, is it me? 28 00:01:53.079 --> 00:01:57.840 Okay? So I'm not a sex therapist, I'm not a sexologist. 29 00:01:57.879 --> 00:02:00.879 I'm a psychology professor. But I read the research, and the research is 30 00:02:00.920 --> 00:02:07.319 saying it's not like more men are having these problems, but for some men, 31 00:02:07.759 --> 00:02:13.120 some of the things that could be creating. The problems include alcohol, 32 00:02:13.919 --> 00:02:19.520 could include using too much pornography. You see, here's the thing about pornography. 33 00:02:19.639 --> 00:02:24.439 There's no actual diagnosis of pornography addiction, but some people have a compulsion 34 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:30.639 to use pornography regularly. Now, you have to understand that part of having 35 00:02:30.680 --> 00:02:34.919 a sexual relationship is being able to fantasize, right, especially if you have 36 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:38.000 long term monogamy. You've got to have some pretty pictures in your head to 37 00:02:38.120 --> 00:02:44.879 keep all the excitement going. And when men are presented with new and exciting 38 00:02:44.960 --> 00:02:51.719 images of different women every single day, it's very difficult for them to perform 39 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:57.439 when they're looking at the same woman every time. And just like navigation in 40 00:02:57.479 --> 00:03:00.639 our cars dumbs us down. Do you remember when we had entire maps of 41 00:03:00.680 --> 00:03:05.319 Los Angeles in our head. We barely even looked at the Thomas Guide anymore. 42 00:03:05.680 --> 00:03:07.479 And now we're going around the corner of the store and we punch it 43 00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:12.280 in right, because it's dumbed us down. Well, in the same way, 44 00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:16.120 pornography kind of dumbs down your brain, takes away your ability to fantasize 45 00:03:16.120 --> 00:03:24.919 and imagine. So sometimes that's what's happening. Sex therapists are seeing increased diagnoses 46 00:03:25.039 --> 00:03:32.479 of what's called DEE delayed ejaculation, where they can become aroused but not finish, 47 00:03:32.840 --> 00:03:39.360 and then as far as climaxing too soon. I once interviewed a urologist 48 00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:44.520 who told me that when that happens in young men, it's usually because one 49 00:03:44.520 --> 00:03:46.080 time it happens because it's a physiological thing. It's a fluke. They had 50 00:03:46.080 --> 00:03:49.520 a stressful day, they drank too much, whatever, something happened, right, 51 00:03:49.800 --> 00:03:53.039 and then they get worried about it, and then it's the anxiety that 52 00:03:53.120 --> 00:03:57.039 causes it to continue to happen. Right. So it's about talking about these 53 00:03:57.039 --> 00:04:01.039 things and having trust. But no, it's not you, Okay, it's 54 00:04:01.120 --> 00:04:04.599 not you. It's just how you're choosing. And what a lot of young 55 00:04:04.599 --> 00:04:10.719 men the pressures they're being faced with today. All right, Uh, dear 56 00:04:10.800 --> 00:04:15.919 doctor Wendy. Today my boyfriend told me that his mom wants him to quote, 57 00:04:15.879 --> 00:04:20.680 move back to Texas and dat a white girl. Oh uh, a 58 00:04:20.759 --> 00:04:25.199 racist mom. Uh, Doctor Wendy, tell me what I should do, 59 00:04:25.279 --> 00:04:30.920 please? I don't know. I don't know. She doesn't like me although 60 00:04:30.920 --> 00:04:33.839 we've never met. Oh, I am Asian and I really love him. 61 00:04:34.439 --> 00:04:40.000 He seems to be considering his mom's wants. Well, that's a mom with 62 00:04:40.040 --> 00:04:42.560 a lot of power. But remember I told you I got married at the 63 00:04:42.600 --> 00:04:46.079 age of twenty one because of pressure from my mom, and so they do 64 00:04:46.160 --> 00:04:49.199 have a lot of sway, those moms. But I think you're going to 65 00:04:49.240 --> 00:04:54.639 want to talk to him about you know, you're his future, she's his 66 00:04:54.759 --> 00:04:58.639 past, and that's a lot to put on a son. And then the 67 00:04:58.680 --> 00:05:01.480 whole racist thing. Oh oh oh, oh, No, you need to 68 00:05:01.480 --> 00:05:04.879 be firm with him and make a stake in this and say, there's a 69 00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:10.040 new sheriff in town. Okay, there is a new sheriff in town, 70 00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:13.439 and it is you, and you're gonna call the shots, not mom. 71 00:05:13.680 --> 00:05:16.319 And if he thinks his racist mom is more important than you, then I 72 00:05:16.360 --> 00:05:21.680 would let that dude go. Okay ooh man, oh man. All right, 73 00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:28.480 Dear doctor Wendy, I really like someone who snores. Oh. I 74 00:05:28.519 --> 00:05:30.319 don't want it to be a deal breaker, but as a light sleeper, 75 00:05:30.360 --> 00:05:34.040 it's making me question if I can actually be with someone who snores. I 76 00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:38.160 don't want to have to sleep with earplugs for the rest of my life, 77 00:05:38.600 --> 00:05:43.240 or be resentful about being tired, or sleep on the couch. Help Okay, 78 00:05:43.240 --> 00:05:45.879 Well, this might be a deal breaker for you at the very beginning 79 00:05:45.920 --> 00:05:48.000 of relationship. You're allowed to have as many deal breakers as you want. 80 00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:54.360 And I'm gonna share something with you. I snore, apparently, my gastro 81 00:05:54.519 --> 00:05:58.279 terrologist tells me when I woke up from my endoscopy, I bet you snore 82 00:05:58.319 --> 00:06:01.160 a lot, she says, after she'd been down there with a camera. 83 00:06:01.560 --> 00:06:04.879 Turns out, I got scar tissue on my esophagus that's causing some because it 84 00:06:04.879 --> 00:06:08.639 doesn't come out my nose or my mouth. That's coming like from my chest 85 00:06:08.680 --> 00:06:15.160 somewhere. Anyway, So my sweet Julio sleeps beside me. Well, I 86 00:06:15.399 --> 00:06:19.720 shake, rattle and roll and move thunder beside him. And I asked him 87 00:06:19.879 --> 00:06:23.959 about this because I had actually read this question earlier when it was in my 88 00:06:24.040 --> 00:06:26.839 DMS, And so I said, you know, what do I say to 89 00:06:26.879 --> 00:06:28.959 this person? And he goes, well, I said, why do you 90 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:31.279 stay with me? His joke is when I say, oh my honey, 91 00:06:31.319 --> 00:06:34.519 did my snoring wake you up? I've never heard myself snore. By the 92 00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:36.839 way, I don't know what it is. He'll have to take me sometime. 93 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:41.439 Other people tell me. He always says, Now, I'm a New 94 00:06:41.519 --> 00:06:45.439 Yorker. I'm used to background noise. That's how New Yorkers sleep, right. 95 00:06:45.959 --> 00:06:48.120 But then he told me yesterday when I asked him about it, that 96 00:06:48.480 --> 00:06:53.920 because I waited so long to sleep with him, See, ladies, he 97 00:06:54.040 --> 00:06:57.519 was all in and he was going to put up with anything at that point 98 00:06:57.519 --> 00:07:01.560 because he was already in love with me. I think we waited about six 99 00:07:01.680 --> 00:07:06.480 or eight weeks before we may love. So basically, he put up with 100 00:07:06.519 --> 00:07:11.160 me because he was already in love. Okay, got more of your DMS, 101 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:14.480 more of your relationship questions. Remember, I'm not a therapist. I'm 102 00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:17.519 a psychology professor. But boy, do I have opinions. I'll address them 103 00:07:17.519 --> 00:07:20.439 when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 104 00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:25.920 AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to 105 00:07:26.079 --> 00:07:30.399 KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show 106 00:07:30.399 --> 00:07:35.040 and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Going 107 00:07:35.079 --> 00:07:39.399 to the DMS on Instagram today If you'd like to follow me, the handle 108 00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:46.199 everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. All right, and 109 00:07:46.319 --> 00:07:48.959 I will keep you anonymous if you send me a DM. Okay, let's 110 00:07:48.959 --> 00:07:53.680 head to the first question I'm finding there on the DMS. Dear Doctor Wendy, 111 00:07:53.920 --> 00:07:58.560 when someone tells you he's scared of marrying you because of the many fights 112 00:07:58.600 --> 00:08:01.399 you two have had, he wants to see first if the petty fights are 113 00:08:01.399 --> 00:08:07.360 going to stop and if the relationship will get better in terms of less fighting, 114 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:11.720 more understanding, less drama, not giving him a hard time arguing about 115 00:08:11.839 --> 00:08:16.879 simple things. I want us to move in together because my daughter and I 116 00:08:16.920 --> 00:08:22.040 share a place with my other family. But I sense my boyfriend's not willing 117 00:08:22.079 --> 00:08:26.079 to move in with me. Would you stay? It's been almost three years. 118 00:08:26.560 --> 00:08:31.039 I feel like he's testing the waters before he fully commits. All right, 119 00:08:31.600 --> 00:08:35.879 you guys are late to this party. It's three years and you still 120 00:08:35.960 --> 00:08:43.080 don't have healthy conflict resolution skills. What I said earlier is that healthy relationships 121 00:08:43.080 --> 00:08:48.919 often involve regular conflict, but the conflict is small, lovely border skirmishes, 122 00:08:50.399 --> 00:08:54.679 not you nagging and arguing over You're calling them simple things, and you're calling 123 00:08:54.679 --> 00:09:01.240 them petty fights, and he's wondering if they're just magically going to stop, 124 00:09:01.679 --> 00:09:07.720 your words going to stop, and if the relationship will just get better, 125 00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:13.960 Well, here's the thing. Relationships don't just get better. Petty fights don't 126 00:09:13.080 --> 00:09:18.080 just stop. You have to do the work. The two of you should 127 00:09:18.120 --> 00:09:24.200 immediately go see a couple's therapist and say you're thinking about getting married. You've 128 00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:28.360 been together three years. However, you don't have good conflict resolution skills and 129 00:09:28.399 --> 00:09:33.720 you'd like to learn some better techniques, some better strategies. It's time to 130 00:09:33.759 --> 00:09:37.919 do the work. You can't expect him to step up to the plate and 131 00:09:37.080 --> 00:09:41.600 marry you if you guys haven't figured things out, because then you're going to 132 00:09:41.639 --> 00:09:43.320 be in divorce court and ooh, what a fight that's going to be. 133 00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:48.399 Not petty at all, you'll see. Thanks for writing in. Okay, 134 00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:54.759 moving on, dear doctor Wendy, I need some advice. Okay. I've 135 00:09:54.799 --> 00:09:58.840 been dating my guy almost seven months and now we are seeing each other almost 136 00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:03.159 every day and I sleep over his place every time. He always asked me 137 00:10:03.200 --> 00:10:05.600 to go out, and we always do some fun things when we're together. 138 00:10:07.039 --> 00:10:09.960 He shows his love by his actions, but he never says the words I 139 00:10:11.080 --> 00:10:15.320 love you, and I've been waiting for that should I say it first? 140 00:10:15.840 --> 00:10:18.159 Okay? I have a few things to say about this. At seven months, 141 00:10:18.799 --> 00:10:22.480 you shouldn't be sleeping over at his place every day. That's way too 142 00:10:22.559 --> 00:10:24.440 much, too soon. Okay, and now you want more the words I 143 00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:30.799 love you? Slow down the pace. I know at the beginning there's a 144 00:10:30.840 --> 00:10:35.039 little cocooning. It's so much fun. But now, don't lose yourself in 145 00:10:35.080 --> 00:10:39.320 this relationship. Don't have him lose himself in this relationship. Make sure that 146 00:10:39.399 --> 00:10:43.440 you still see your friends, make sure that you still do the things that 147 00:10:43.480 --> 00:10:46.360 you like to do separate from him. Okay, the other thing you said, 148 00:10:46.360 --> 00:10:48.840 I really liked. He asked me to go out. We do some 149 00:10:48.919 --> 00:10:52.200 fun things. He shows his love by his actions, but he never says 150 00:10:52.240 --> 00:10:56.919 the words. Okay, so you feel loved. He's showing you he loves 151 00:10:56.960 --> 00:11:00.519 you. Do you need to hear the words? You know, trying to 152 00:11:00.600 --> 00:11:05.759 get somebody else to do things is a lot harder than just doing what you 153 00:11:05.879 --> 00:11:09.720 want to do. So your next question, should you say it first? 154 00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:13.480 Absolutely? The research shows that men fall in love first. Women often say 155 00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:18.720 the words first. It opens the door to the conversation about it, and 156 00:11:18.840 --> 00:11:24.039 usually around seven months is the time that's around the time that I said it 157 00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:26.879 to Julio, maybe even a little earlier, maybe five months, and so 158 00:11:26.960 --> 00:11:31.519 that's around the time. You're right on schedule here. Now. Your fear 159 00:11:31.639 --> 00:11:33.360 is that if you say I love you and he doesn't say it back. 160 00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:39.799 Like I've heard sometimes women will say I love you and he goes thank you. 161 00:11:43.399 --> 00:11:46.759 Don't grill him on it. Just let it sit, Okay, don't 162 00:11:46.759 --> 00:11:50.639 be anxious, contain yourself. There's nothing wrong with you expressing your feelings. 163 00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:54.720 And then after maybe a few weeks, and maybe you've said it a couple 164 00:11:54.840 --> 00:12:00.759 times, then you might say, I noticed you haven't said the words I 165 00:12:00.759 --> 00:12:03.320 love you. Are those words hard for you to say? Or are you 166 00:12:03.399 --> 00:12:07.600 not feeling it? Uh huh? And then be ready for the answer. 167 00:12:07.039 --> 00:12:11.039 I will say that. All right, here we go, dear doctor Wendy. 168 00:12:11.399 --> 00:12:15.639 We have been together for less than a year. We spend time together 169 00:12:15.720 --> 00:12:20.440 two to four times a week. Sounds good. We text every day one 170 00:12:20.480 --> 00:12:24.000 to three hours in between each text. WHOA you guys are ameshed pretty quickly, 171 00:12:24.080 --> 00:12:28.440 Okay. I mean I've been with Julio three years. If we do 172 00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:33.679 one text a day during the day, that's you know, it's like what 173 00:12:33.159 --> 00:12:35.120 should I pick up for dinner? Or what time I'm gonna be home. 174 00:12:35.159 --> 00:12:37.919 That's what texts are for, because we have a lot to talk about when 175 00:12:37.960 --> 00:12:43.120 we see each other. Okay, uh, we talk on the phone two 176 00:12:43.120 --> 00:12:45.639 to three times a week. That's good, depending on how often we've seen 177 00:12:45.679 --> 00:12:48.279 each other that week. We do relationship check ins. And he mentioned the 178 00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:54.879 second time again, oh oh, that he feels disconnected when we're not together. 179 00:12:54.799 --> 00:12:58.960 We agreed to have a deeper conversation when we text. No, text 180 00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:01.559 is not for deeper conversation, and tell him that right now. Tell him 181 00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:05.320 doctor Wendy said that, but he still feels disconnected. And now it's two 182 00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:09.840 months later. I'm very confused and is bothering me a lot. What does 183 00:13:09.879 --> 00:13:13.519 he want to be together twenty four to seven? Oh, he imagines that 184 00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:18.279 because he might have an anxious attachment disorder, and so he's always part of 185 00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:22.799 his model for love involves feelings of abandonment and loss, so he's going to 186 00:13:22.879 --> 00:13:26.519 look for them anywhere. So the answer, of course always I say this, 187 00:13:26.639 --> 00:13:28.360 go to couple's therapy and talk about it. But why don't you start 188 00:13:28.399 --> 00:13:35.039 with saying something like I don't feel disconnected when I'm separate from you. I 189 00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:41.360 trust you, I trust our love, I trust our relationship. I look 190 00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:43.759 forward to the next time we'll be together. But I don't sit in a 191 00:13:43.759 --> 00:13:48.639 place of loss. I'm wondering why you do, because I don't think it's 192 00:13:48.639 --> 00:13:52.159 related to me. It might be related to something else that happened in your 193 00:13:52.159 --> 00:13:54.320 life, and there you go. You're off to the races. Call a 194 00:13:54.399 --> 00:13:58.519 therapist because you're gonna have to sort it out. Dear doctor Wendy, last 195 00:13:58.600 --> 00:14:03.240 question we have time for. Why do men become disrespectful when you turn them 196 00:14:03.279 --> 00:14:07.279 down? Because their feelings are hurt and they get angry. That's so, 197 00:14:07.639 --> 00:14:13.840 and that's why women try to be Men have trouble reading women's signals because women 198 00:14:13.000 --> 00:14:18.039 are so afraid that you know, he's going to kill them if they hurt 199 00:14:18.039 --> 00:14:20.480 his tender little feelings that we don't like. To go, no, I'm 200 00:14:20.519 --> 00:14:24.200 not into you, Just move away, right. We don't do that. 201 00:14:24.279 --> 00:14:26.399 We go okay, No, I'm busy next week, I'm seeing somebody right 202 00:14:26.440 --> 00:14:31.559 now or whatever. Those are all rejections. Guys. Yes, they get 203 00:14:31.600 --> 00:14:35.679 angry because their feelings are hurt and move along. You know those are not 204 00:14:35.759 --> 00:14:41.320 healthy guys to move along when we come back. Speaking of angry men or 205 00:14:41.399 --> 00:14:46.120 angry women. There's a new kind of dating violence out there. I'll talk 206 00:14:46.120 --> 00:14:50.360 about it when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall 207 00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:54.879 Show on KFI AM six forty, but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio Appute. 208 00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:58.720 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor 209 00:14:58.720 --> 00:15:03.840 Wendy All Show on KFI A six forty. A reminder, I'm not a 210 00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:07.639 therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I've written three books on relationships and 211 00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:11.320 did a dissertation on attachment theory. I'm a little bit obsessed with the science 212 00:15:11.320 --> 00:15:16.000 of love. You know, there is a dark side to human mating strategy, 213 00:15:16.679 --> 00:15:22.759 and it is stalking and violence, often when it comes at the hands 214 00:15:22.799 --> 00:15:28.799 of a male. It has to do with how men express an anxious attachment 215 00:15:28.879 --> 00:15:35.759 style through control. The underbelly of their anger is a deep fear of abandonment. 216 00:15:37.360 --> 00:15:41.440 They're so afraid that person will leave them that they express anger or emotional 217 00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:46.960 abuse. One technique of mates who try to mate guard keep their female mate 218 00:15:46.960 --> 00:15:52.039 close is to put her down, to make her have low self esteem so 219 00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:56.679 that she won't feel confident enough to go out and enter the mating marketplace again. 220 00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:03.080 But also they use violence and control in many ways, and it's a 221 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:10.519 terrible cycle. Sadly, even with young people, and especially with young people 222 00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:15.840 dating teen dating violence is on the rise. And I do want to say 223 00:16:15.879 --> 00:16:22.279 that if you are experiencing any kind of violence in your relationship, that you 224 00:16:22.360 --> 00:16:29.720 contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline It's just the hotline dot com and get resources 225 00:16:29.759 --> 00:16:34.879 in your area to help you. I am a survivor of domestic violence. 226 00:16:36.559 --> 00:16:40.039 I know how hard it was to leave. I mean, my friends held 227 00:16:40.080 --> 00:16:45.559 a whole intervention trying to get me to leave. I know how hard it 228 00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:51.440 was to heal and recover and learn how to have healthy relationships. But I 229 00:16:51.480 --> 00:16:56.600 also know it's all possible. So recently, with the rise of the Internet 230 00:16:56.720 --> 00:17:02.240 and social media, there was a new form of dating violence that has come 231 00:17:02.279 --> 00:17:10.680 on the scene. Psychologists call it cyber violence, using technology to control, 232 00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:17.920 humiliate, or threaten somebody. You see, this young generation of young adults 233 00:17:18.279 --> 00:17:23.799 has grown up in a digital world. Their entire life is posted publicly on 234 00:17:23.880 --> 00:17:26.960 their social media. Not a good idea. You know, there's a high 235 00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:33.640 correlation between social media use body image issues, low self esteem, depression, 236 00:17:33.720 --> 00:17:40.319 and anxiety in women. But there it is. They take pictures of everything 237 00:17:40.559 --> 00:17:47.960 as it's going on, and so there are different kinds of cyber violence. 238 00:17:48.799 --> 00:17:56.720 It might be taking an unauthorized photo and sharing it. So this kind of 239 00:17:56.759 --> 00:18:00.440 revenge porn we now have laws against, however, where the fines are relatively 240 00:18:00.519 --> 00:18:08.720 small, and there's a very big loophole in the revenge porn. That's where 241 00:18:10.039 --> 00:18:11.480 you know. I'm sorry, young people, I just want to say it. 242 00:18:12.039 --> 00:18:17.799 Don't take pictures of yourself having sex with him. Don't take naked pictures 243 00:18:17.880 --> 00:18:22.559 and send them to him. Don't don't. Don't when women do do it, 244 00:18:22.720 --> 00:18:25.920 at least cut your head off, right, So don't don't show your 245 00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:29.440 head in the picture, face in the picture. I just think it's not 246 00:18:29.519 --> 00:18:33.440 a good idea because the digital life of those photographs will live forever and ever, 247 00:18:33.599 --> 00:18:37.039 and someday you're going to be studying for your boards of something, medical 248 00:18:37.039 --> 00:18:42.599 boards, the getting your law something. There's some board it's gonna dig up 249 00:18:42.599 --> 00:18:45.319 something. I don't know. It's on my mind because I just saw Oppenheimer. 250 00:18:45.640 --> 00:18:52.680 I was like that kangaroo court. They really slandered him, and so 251 00:18:52.680 --> 00:18:55.680 so what I also know a story. So here's the loophole I mentioned. 252 00:18:55.680 --> 00:19:00.279 There's a loophole. The loophole is if you send him. If a woman's 253 00:19:00.079 --> 00:19:04.079 ends a man, a naked picture of herself is considered a gift and he 254 00:19:04.079 --> 00:19:08.559 can do whatever he wants with it. And I have heard a story of 255 00:19:08.599 --> 00:19:14.079 a woman who took some fun naked pictures of herself with the guy playing around 256 00:19:14.119 --> 00:19:18.799 whatever, and then she went into the bathroom. He took her phone and 257 00:19:18.960 --> 00:19:25.039 sent the pictures. He made sure he used her phone to take the attractive, 258 00:19:25.079 --> 00:19:30.319 beautiful pictures, and he sent the pictures from her phone to his phone, 259 00:19:30.359 --> 00:19:32.200 and then he can post them anywhere. And you know, ladies, 260 00:19:32.200 --> 00:19:36.359 they make money off these pictures too. I cannot begin to tell you the 261 00:19:36.440 --> 00:19:42.240 degree of pain and humiliation that women feel when they have been publicly shamed this 262 00:19:42.279 --> 00:19:47.839 way. It's completely sexist. Of course, men are off there sending you 263 00:19:47.960 --> 00:19:51.319 pictures of their appendage all day long, and they don't care where it ends 264 00:19:51.400 --> 00:19:53.799 up. They're happy if you post it everywhere, right, And that is 265 00:19:53.839 --> 00:19:59.720 the sexual double standard. So this is one form of cyber violence on a 266 00:20:00.200 --> 00:20:04.359 unauthorized photo sharing But there's another thing that goes on and this is sort of 267 00:20:04.400 --> 00:20:07.680 the I want you to share my location just for your safety. Okay, 268 00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:11.799 I want to see where you are. Wait did you post that picture from 269 00:20:11.799 --> 00:20:15.960 wherever? I didn't know you were there? Right, So they're starting to 270 00:20:15.160 --> 00:20:23.799 control using technology your whereabouts. The problem is many young people think that this 271 00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:33.759 is love. They have this idea that real love is possessive, real love 272 00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:40.000 is immersive, real love is exclusive, that it is intense, that is 273 00:20:40.119 --> 00:20:44.000 all consuming, and yes, it's a little bit irrational, because that's what 274 00:20:44.119 --> 00:20:48.240 makes it real love. No, this isn't real love. If he's saying 275 00:20:48.319 --> 00:20:52.200 where are you or she's saying she could be stocking you. Guys, where 276 00:20:52.240 --> 00:20:56.599 are you share your location with me? Now? Like, here's a subtle 277 00:20:56.640 --> 00:21:00.759 one. They'll start to say. And it's in the early stages of dating, 278 00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:04.920 and so you're not at a stage where you're checking in even every day. 279 00:21:06.759 --> 00:21:10.759 But he's starting to exert his control. So he says something like, 280 00:21:11.079 --> 00:21:14.079 I know you're going out to the movie with your girlfriends tonight. Do me 281 00:21:14.119 --> 00:21:17.319 a favor. Just call me before you go to sleep so I can hear 282 00:21:17.359 --> 00:21:21.000 your voice and I want to make sure you got in safely. He doesn't 283 00:21:21.039 --> 00:21:23.240 give a hoot about your safety. He doesn't need to just hear your voice. 284 00:21:23.359 --> 00:21:26.519 He wants to make sure you're in bed alone. Right. That's the 285 00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:33.200 controlling. That's how it works, okay. And the other thing that propels 286 00:21:33.240 --> 00:21:38.359 this kind of cyber violence are these romantic myths that if somebody's jealous, they 287 00:21:38.440 --> 00:21:45.240 must really love you, or that the sexism that's out there that women should 288 00:21:45.240 --> 00:21:49.119 behave in a certain way online compared to men. All of this is dangerous 289 00:21:49.400 --> 00:21:53.200 because the problem with cyber violence, besides the fact that it can cause harm, 290 00:21:53.640 --> 00:21:57.440 deep emotional harm all on its own, is it can lead to other 291 00:21:57.599 --> 00:22:02.880 forms of control and ultimately violence. So I want you to be aware of 292 00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:06.400 this. You have control people. You don't have to share your location, 293 00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:10.680 you don't have to share those pictures, you don't have to take those pictures. 294 00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:15.079 I just want to say this, all right, when we come back, 295 00:22:15.160 --> 00:22:19.759 are you thinking about getting a divorce? Are you trying to find a 296 00:22:19.799 --> 00:22:26.319 way to tell your spouse that you'd like a divorce. I've got some tips 297 00:22:26.319 --> 00:22:29.240 for you on that. When we come back, you're listening to The Doctor, 298 00:22:29.279 --> 00:22:32.759 Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 299 00:22:32.759 --> 00:22:37.359 iHeartRadio App. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back 300 00:22:37.359 --> 00:22:41.200 to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere 301 00:22:41.279 --> 00:22:48.400 on the iHeartRadio App. I got divorce from that early childhood marriage. I 302 00:22:48.480 --> 00:22:52.000 was twenty one when I got married, and it lasted during my college tenure 303 00:22:52.240 --> 00:22:55.519 and by the time I graduated, I graduated from him. I did it 304 00:22:55.559 --> 00:22:59.759 in the most unhealthy way possible. I had an affair, maybe more than 305 00:22:59.759 --> 00:23:02.599 one of until he found out a couple times, and then he's like, 306 00:23:02.839 --> 00:23:04.359 you know, it's like that's what we do. We don't want to do 307 00:23:04.880 --> 00:23:08.680 that emotional work, so we let other people break up with us. So 308 00:23:10.160 --> 00:23:12.359 I want to tell you the healthy way to do it, because I am 309 00:23:12.720 --> 00:23:17.680 the graduate of eighteen years of good therapy and I got a master's in PhD 310 00:23:17.720 --> 00:23:22.319 in psychology, So I can tell you how to bring up the subject of 311 00:23:22.400 --> 00:23:27.839 divorce. Number one, take the time to make sure you're certain, Go 312 00:23:27.920 --> 00:23:33.440 to a licensed therapist, work out your feelings understand. Never use the divorce 313 00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:37.200 conversation as a threat, like oh, I'm just going to divorce you, 314 00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:41.599 or to try to get them to change their behavior. Wrong, wrong, 315 00:23:41.680 --> 00:23:45.559 wrong, Only use the D word when you mean it. Now. What 316 00:23:45.599 --> 00:23:49.119 I want you to do ahead of time is plan out your whole side of 317 00:23:49.119 --> 00:23:53.599 the conversation, everything that you're going to say. And it's really important in 318 00:23:53.640 --> 00:24:00.880 this conversation that you do not blame the other that instead you stay on your 319 00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:06.480 feelings and say things like I'm not happy in this relationship. I need to 320 00:24:06.519 --> 00:24:08.839 find a way to make myself happy. Because you know they're going to be 321 00:24:08.880 --> 00:24:11.480 like, well, what do you want me to do? What can I 322 00:24:11.519 --> 00:24:17.039 do to help you to make you feel happy. Don't put responsibility for your 323 00:24:17.119 --> 00:24:21.519 happiness on somebody else. It's not their job to make you happy. You 324 00:24:21.559 --> 00:24:23.960 happy, It's your job to make you happy. So you're gonna, you 325 00:24:23.960 --> 00:24:27.039 know, talk about the positives as well. We've had a good, long 326 00:24:27.039 --> 00:24:30.079 marriage, there were great days whatever, but in the last few years, 327 00:24:30.400 --> 00:24:34.160 I feel like we've grown apart and I am very unhappy. I feel lonely 328 00:24:34.200 --> 00:24:37.960 in this relationship and I want to have the opportunity to make myself happy. 329 00:24:38.039 --> 00:24:42.559 Now. One of the things that your natural instinct to do, because you're 330 00:24:42.599 --> 00:24:45.799 a good spouse and a nice person, and this is a difficult conversation for 331 00:24:45.839 --> 00:24:51.960 you to have is you're going to feel really guilty about potentially hurting your partner, 332 00:24:52.480 --> 00:24:56.799 and so that might make it hard to, you know, stick to 333 00:24:56.839 --> 00:25:00.720 the facts that you have thought up. I want to remind you that sometimes 334 00:25:02.799 --> 00:25:07.880 people need the gift of pain. I'll bet you they're not so happy in 335 00:25:07.920 --> 00:25:11.960 this relationship too, and I'll bet you they would just plug along unless somebody 336 00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:17.759 did something and made some move. So sometimes you just have to be firm. 337 00:25:18.400 --> 00:25:26.000 Right. Also, they're going to trigger you because they have Before I 338 00:25:26.000 --> 00:25:29.279 get to that. Let me just say this, be careful when and where 339 00:25:29.319 --> 00:25:33.960 you have this conversation. So not in the morning before one of you is 340 00:25:33.960 --> 00:25:37.240 heading out to work, not in front of the children. Definitely not by 341 00:25:37.319 --> 00:25:45.920 text or email. Sometimes, like I'm not adverse to let's say you're away 342 00:25:45.920 --> 00:25:48.720 on a business trip and you know the kids are asleep and they're at home 343 00:25:48.799 --> 00:25:52.680 and they're calm too, and you're both so that you're separate, but you're 344 00:25:52.720 --> 00:25:55.799 on the phone with each other. That could work. But the best of 345 00:25:55.839 --> 00:26:00.000 the best, of course, is to do it in person, maybe even 346 00:26:00.039 --> 00:26:03.559 out at a restaurant. So everybody has to keep on their public personality a 347 00:26:03.559 --> 00:26:08.359 little bit, but they will trigger you. They're going to turn around and 348 00:26:08.440 --> 00:26:12.480 gaslight you because that's their way to save the marriage. They're going to say, 349 00:26:12.960 --> 00:26:17.039 you don't want to leave this marriage. You know, you just need 350 00:26:17.039 --> 00:26:19.640 this or that, or you know you're the one who did that or that, 351 00:26:19.720 --> 00:26:22.839 and they're going to start to make you feel guilty. They're going to 352 00:26:22.880 --> 00:26:26.279 trigger you, and that's why before the conversation you want to make sure that 353 00:26:26.359 --> 00:26:33.079 you work with your therapist and practice some emotional regulation strategies. Sometimes it's simple 354 00:26:33.119 --> 00:26:36.960 as identifying your emotions to yourself like ooh, I felt that in my stomach, 355 00:26:37.079 --> 00:26:41.279 or oh that made me feel scared, so that that you don't have 356 00:26:41.359 --> 00:26:47.559 to get reactive and it doesn't turn into a big fight. Also, you 357 00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:52.039 got to learn to tolerate their feelings. You're saying something that is going to 358 00:26:52.079 --> 00:26:57.960 feel very hurtful to them. There's pain in this conversation. You didn't cause 359 00:26:59.079 --> 00:27:03.839 the pain. The relationship had its course and its demise, but you brought 360 00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:08.440 up the pain and so as a result, you also have to sit there 361 00:27:08.920 --> 00:27:14.680 and deal with it. They may cry, they may feel angry. You 362 00:27:14.759 --> 00:27:18.319 can't walk out of the room. You have to say things like I know 363 00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:22.799 this is hard for you to hear, and you've been a great spouse, 364 00:27:22.440 --> 00:27:26.279 and I know that. I'm hoping we can have a different kind of relationship 365 00:27:26.359 --> 00:27:30.000 in the future, that we can still know each other or be good co 366 00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:34.279 parents if there's kids. Right, You've got to find a way to tolerate. 367 00:27:34.559 --> 00:27:42.119 Don't storm out and get mad because they're expressing very legitimate emotions. Right. 368 00:27:44.599 --> 00:27:49.000 Also, really avoid blaming. Stay away from all those you statements. 369 00:27:49.039 --> 00:27:52.640 Well, you didn't even come on with that vacation, you don't even have 370 00:27:52.680 --> 00:27:55.200 sex with me, and you don't even do this. You don't even contribute 371 00:27:55.200 --> 00:27:56.759 to the bills around here. No, no, no, no, no, 372 00:27:56.759 --> 00:28:02.519 no no. Do not build a caste that the other spouse is all 373 00:28:02.599 --> 00:28:07.119 bad and you're all good. Use we terms we've grown apart, and I 374 00:28:07.359 --> 00:28:12.400 terms I'm feeling lonely in this relationship. I'm feeling unhappy. I need a 375 00:28:12.519 --> 00:28:19.000 change. Stay on your own feelings, and most of all, don't rehash 376 00:28:19.039 --> 00:28:23.119 the past. You guys will spiral down into going through your entire marriage with 377 00:28:23.160 --> 00:28:26.880 a fine toothcomb and just say I don't want to talk about the past. 378 00:28:27.400 --> 00:28:33.319 I want to talk about the future. I mentioned tolerating their pain and their 379 00:28:33.319 --> 00:28:38.759 emotions. That means make sure you're actually listening to what they say. They 380 00:28:38.799 --> 00:28:44.240 may have a lot of questions, they may need time to sit with this. 381 00:28:45.039 --> 00:28:48.640 This is not a one time conversation, all right. I heard of 382 00:28:48.680 --> 00:28:52.319 a guy who came home recently and his wife he didn't even know there were 383 00:28:52.359 --> 00:28:56.880 problems. She'd called a moving truck. Her closet was empty, her furniture 384 00:28:56.920 --> 00:29:00.039 was gone. She was just gone. This is well, obviously it wasn't 385 00:29:00.039 --> 00:29:03.599 a healthy relationship. But if you don't have a good conflict resolution skills, 386 00:29:03.759 --> 00:29:10.279 but breaking up takes many, many conversations. Okay, Now I know that 387 00:29:10.279 --> 00:29:12.720 there are big life changes ahead for both of you. Obviously, your living 388 00:29:12.799 --> 00:29:15.599 arrangements are going to change. Your financial situation is going to change. The 389 00:29:15.640 --> 00:29:19.880 share of the children is going to change. Right, but right now, 390 00:29:21.359 --> 00:29:25.960 just focus on the present, getting through these days until you sort out what 391 00:29:26.119 --> 00:29:30.480 it's going to be and how you're going to do things. Stay, keep 392 00:29:30.480 --> 00:29:33.200 your boundaries. If you're firm on this decision, stand firm, and when 393 00:29:33.200 --> 00:29:37.000 they try to object to say, hey, no, I've made my decision. 394 00:29:37.599 --> 00:29:41.440 I'm sorry you're hurting. I love you. It's not working right, 395 00:29:42.839 --> 00:29:47.880 Sadly, when til Death Do Us Part was invented, death was pretty imminent. 396 00:29:48.279 --> 00:29:52.079 There is no such thing as a failed relationship. A relationship of a 397 00:29:52.119 --> 00:29:56.720 one night's stand, a twenty four hour relationship is not a failure if you 398 00:29:56.880 --> 00:30:02.720 learn something about yourself and you learn thing about other people. Because of our 399 00:30:02.839 --> 00:30:07.920 very long life expectancies, most people, the vast majority of people, will 400 00:30:07.920 --> 00:30:11.279 go through a divorce at some point in their lives. It is one of 401 00:30:11.599 --> 00:30:15.000 life's greatest stressors. It is a painful experience for everybody, even if you've 402 00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:21.680 made the decision. But the more you can take the higher road and be 403 00:30:21.799 --> 00:30:27.319 kind and compassionate and consciously uncouple, the better it will be for all involved. 404 00:30:27.880 --> 00:30:30.799 I'm sorry you're going through this, and I wish my best to you. 405 00:30:32.680 --> 00:30:36.440 And that, oh my gosh, brings You're not divorcing me though, 406 00:30:36.519 --> 00:30:38.880 right brings the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show to a close. I'm always here for 407 00:30:38.920 --> 00:30:42.000 you every Sunday from seven to nine pm. As you heard, you can 408 00:30:42.039 --> 00:30:45.759 send me dms on my Instagram and I'll be I want to identify you, 409 00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:49.000 but I'll be happy to answer them on air. Next week I should be 410 00:30:49.000 --> 00:30:53.759 taking calls again. We vacillate, go back and forth. A handle everywhere 411 00:30:53.839 --> 00:30:57.400 is at Doctor Wendy Walsh. It's always a pleasure to be with you. 412 00:30:57.400 --> 00:31:02.759 You've been listening to The Doctor Wendy Walsh showing Kfi a M six forty Kfi 413 00:31:03.000 --> 00:31:03.880 a M six forty on demand