Previously on ups aal Bart's. The Bards ride away from the Alcazar are one
party member short and with a message from Lucinda Ocoor that Triarchislodora must report to
her as a hostage in order to extend the previous surrender deadline given at the
Major and Marshall commencement ceremonies. On their return to Sovereign Hall, the Bars
encounter and intrepid journalist trying to get to the truth of the commencement infiltration.
After rather rudely blowing her off, the Bards learn that they are to accompany
Acting Secretary of War Gideon's storm callar to talbwart Sava, the home of Uveda's
standing army, to act as his bodyguard and to help him prepare the troops
to go to battle. When the Bards arrived at the station where they'll catch
their train to talwarth Sava, however, they learn that Gideon will be taking
at least one more Bard with him, a large reptilian humanoid known to at
least a few of the Bards as Critatio thunder Thigh. In a flashback,
we learn that Critatio, a close friend and jam buddy of Colonial stumps as
well as a promising operatic talent, decided to skip graduation after learning his family
does not plan to attend. As a result, he slept through the chaos
at commencement and was completely unaware of what had transpired until hearing a broadcast from
an unexpectedly familiar voice on his radio's echo shard. Shortly after that, a
messenger arrived at his door with a note from his mother, the General in
charge of Talbert Sava, informing Critasio that he was to return home immediately,
accompanying a close friend of the family, the acting Secretary himself, Gideon storm
Caller. A rousing training montage followed, and then Cretasio made his way to
the train station, where he rather unexpectedly encountered not just storm Caller, but
also four fellow recent grads of Maje and Marshall. But as the party convenes,
one is left to wonder, how will these five young bards help arouse
an army and save their country? You wanted monsters all slain by their betters,
but you ain't seen nothing like arts and letters. Look who has answered
the cry of distress? Oops, it's all birds. Oh what a mess
you think? We're a joke, but in truth we're all in. We
fight like we learned it in books, because we did. We all survived
college with charisma. Impressive. Oops, it's all Bards and yes it's excessive.
If you're still confused, we'll explain to you. Thus there's nobody left,
so that's why they call us. We'll fight or will otherwise roll for
successes. Oops, it's all birds. We hope that addresses all that you
have to know to enjoy listening to our all Bard party sent off on a
mission. Hell it go? Well, we're sure you as Andrew Carrol Hold.
You're Al Bellstonamo Flatwee Ho, Colonian Stumps, Salouver College, Clarie Sour
Cloud's, Palmage Hall, Cretaceo thunder Thigh Sluvere College. Welcome to UPSL Bart's,
the actual play podcast that does what it says in the box. I'm
your host and game master, Jillian Ashley Blair Ivy, although if you call
me anything other than Jill, I'm assuming you're calling to find out if i'd
like to get an extended car warranty with me. Are our Bards Bart's Please
introduce yourselves. Hi, I'm tatesen Ha Das and I play Cretasio thunder Thigh.
Hi, I'm Anne Coleman and I play Clarice sour Cloud. Hello,
Ashley Banks playing Bell. Hi, I'm Ross Kurry and I play Harrolhold.
This is Bob Kellyan, I play Keian Stumps. And we are also joined
by our producer Nate Runkle, whose work you hear all over the podcast,
but whose voice, sadly you very rarely hear. Before we get started,
let's do a quick recap of our most recent episode. You started off in
the immediate aftermath of the events of the Alcazar, both your negotiations with Listen
to occor and the departure of your pal Rucus. As you headed back to
Sovereign House to deliver the terms Listened To gave you, you found yourselves interrupted
by Raylan dawn Shout, a late night reporter for the Echo Shard News Network
with a reputation for sensationalism. Hint to our audience, that's the voice that
you hear doing the intros for every episode. So you more or less refuse
to answer Raylan's questions. But you did find out that, like you,
she's basically on this assignment because there's nobody left to do it, but with
the energy film at all. Once you had inside Sovereign House, you learned
that acting Secretary of War getting storm Collar, is on his way to Tellwartsava,
which is where Udau's standing army is located, to rally the troops,
and that you are meant to accompany him as his bodyguards, which is a
term that Keilonian didn't like very much, so he and Belle brainstorms some alternatives
and ultimately came up with buddyguards. Clarice has a private conversation with Triarch Thisslodora,
who was at that moment preparing to offer herself to the Malvox faction as
a hostage, and they had a nice little conversation where Clarice apologized for being
a bit of a jerk to Thistle. And then after that the Bards in
Gideon headed to the train station, and at that moment Gideon asked if anyone
there, if any of the Bards knew someone named Critasio center thigh, and
then you spot Critasio and he yells Uncle Gideon over here, and then we
have this excited flashback where we meet our newest player, Critasio, who is
performed by Teje Sinha Das. Critasio is a large t rex like lizard folk
who has been a classmate of Kilonians at Sluver and we got to see Cretasa
Kilonian having one of their jams and jams in jam sessions. I think I
got that right before a minor squabble about skipping graduations sent Critaesio to bit early.
Cretatio, you were more than a little tired, not just from the
last few days of college and also this late night jam session with Kilonian,
but also for rehearsals that you've been having with a local opera company. And
so you wound up not just skipping graduation, but sleeping through everything that happened
at graduation and had no idea what happened. So when Cretasia wakes up,
he tried to get coffee, but found that Clarice had surprisingly close up shop,
and he headed back to his dorm room without noticing the eerie quiet around
him and Chalimir, he turned on his echo shard, which you at the
table, and you and the audience will recall, are the radio like devices
installed in every building in Uva, at least every building that was constructed before
the end of the Malvo Era and you heard from Raylan Don shout no less
about what happened at commencement. Unsure of what to do, Critatio set stund
in his room until a messenger from Sovereign House delivered a message from his mom
ordering him to come home to Talbertsavo, where she is the general in charge
of the main army camp. Knowing that he'd have to put aside his musical
aspirations for the good of his country, at least for a little while,
Critasio decided to do a little exercising accompanied by an amazing musical send up,
and then he headed to the train station. And that's about where we left
off. Cretasio has just spouted Gideon and called him Uncle Gideon. And as
he joins the rest of your party, Clarice, I'd love to know how
you feel about hearing someone else, someone you really pretty much only know through
open mic nights at the coffee shop, referring to Gideon as Uncle Gideon.
Curris has noted it and will be having words with Gideon when the time comes.
This deserved a head up, like she needed to know. He is
allowed to have relationship some people outside of your family. Yeah, but like
he knew that I was about to see Cretasio, Like he should have said,
like we're tight or something. Fair. Hey, h nice to see
you all again. Stump's good to see him. I'm glad you were outside
of the stadium when all this went down. Critisio, Buddy, I'm so
glad to see that you also were outside the dome when all this went down.
Yeah. Man, after after we talked in the in the morning,
I just kind of went home, did some packing and then just fell asleep
for a real long time and woke up and everything's like upside down. So
yeah, glad to see you out here. Man. That seems a rather
convenient alibi. I mean yeah, I mean I'm cramming for an opera.
I mean I'm sorry. Who are you, Endrick? Uh yeah, sure,
Clarice, good to see you, Good to see you, Bill.
Yeah, glad, glad you guys are are all right too. Yeah,
don't mind Andrick he's like rumpy and suspicious and that's like his whole thing.
You're fine. Yeah, thanks, Hey, that's ah, it's pretty fancy.
Sworge you got there, Bud. I'm aware, right, So we
got a train to catch. Yeah, So the train hasn't pulled into the
station yet. Unfortunate, Uncle Gideon, how how are you you doing?
Okay, I imagine this is a difficult time for you right now. Yeah
you could say that. I'm sorry. He's sure, nephew. I thought
Clarice was your name. Now we're not related. I mean you're not related
either. Yeah, I know not that that can't happen. I'm just yeah,
yeah, how do you guys know each other? He's my uncle,
Giddyon, like he was there when I was born. Are your families?
Are you a storm caller? I thought your name was sour Cloud or something.
Okay, well, technically my name is Buspera. But oh I didn't
I didn't real history check twelve. The name sounds familiar to you, but
you're having trouble placing it. Okay, yeah, so I'm yeah, the
families have worked together. I was the best man when her parents got married.
Oh wow, Okay, that's uh. I didn't know that. What
wise? He your uncle? He's friends with my parents too. I mean
I think they became friends during the during the coup. Yeah, I don't
know. You've always been around since I was a little kid. All right,
Fine, we really are buddy Guards. I'm sorry, is that a
thing? Is that? Is that what you're calling this? This adventuring party?
Oh yeah, no, nobody calling me that. We are definitely calling
it. We're definitely calling it that like they're they're calling it that that it
is a fact. But like nobody is calling me that is. I mean
close second is Bartyguards. That's also really great me somewhat more okay with that.
I mean, you and I are buddies, but I don't really know
these guys, but I feel like anything that makes us easier to identify as
a group as a concern, So like, let's keep the nomenclature within the
circle of trust. Good idea. But of course, for the record,
everyone's invited to jams and jams and jams after this. I am so there
also, Clarice, you should know that, like, I've been down this
road before, and if you don't come up with the name for yourself or
your group, somebody will and it may not be as good as Buddyguards.
So think about that, right, No, I Bell, you are the
marketing professh, so I defer to your expertise. I'm just saying, like
if we had walked into Lucinda and been like, Hi, we're the buddyguards,
like that might not have served our purposes. Well, we weren't the
buddyguards then now we're buddy guarding your uncle at that point where we were the
negotiating guards. That doesn't well, I don't think we need to overthink this
sname thing. We have just one job to do. We have to get
Secretary storm Caller to the barracks. That's it, and then we can all
go our separate ways. Gidding it is just standing there watching this all un
fuld like shaking his head like I just literally if anybody else had not been
under that dome, they would have been better bodyguards for me. Who's that
the highest passive perception in the our group I have at thirteen fifteen sixteen.
Okay, So Andrek and Keilonian, You're going to notice that the other people
who are waiting for the train around you are paying attention to this conversation.
Some kind of seem annoyed, some seem rather interested in this conversation that you're
having about your role in relation to acting Secretary Storm Color. I'm going to
cast message to Clarice, and we're attracting unwanted attention, we should perhaps be
more discreet. Okay, for the record, Andrex is the one who is
like, we have a job to protect blah blah blah. Belle and Kon,
we're just talking about group names. So like we didn't realize that the
volume was escalating. Clarice is just going to use her silent speech to with
each person notify them we're attracting an audience, and not in a good way,
y'all. Oh yeah, so what what totally non related to the secretary?
Things have you guys been up to? Do you say that? Like,
do you say not related to the secretary? Clarice is gonna roll her
eyes real hard and slow. All right, so you knew that I could
see that, right, cousin or whatever? Yeah, you're you're you're not
related just because you both call me uncle, Just to just to be clear
about that. Oh yeah, yes, probably yeah Belle, yes, do
you have any games or things to pass the time while we wait for the
train that might maybe see less organized and threatening? Okay, because meanwhile,
I'm going to actively scan the crowd and see if anyone is especially paying attention.
I was waiting for them, I was trying to set up Bell to
be a distraction for the people on the platform so that we could be less
sure. Yeah, so the dance group and I really like to play dance
mirror games, where like you jump in and you do a dance move and
then somebody else has to jump in and do the same dance move, but
they change it slightly right, and then the next person does that dance movement
and changes it slightly right. It's like the Walk Off and Zoolander. This
is a medium for this, all right. So and Bell just she's like
going on and she's very exciting. She's looking and she's like, none of
you dance, do you? While Belle is doing this, Clarice is going
to silent speak to Andrac and then to Cretatio, each in turn saying anybody
noticing, particularly who's watching us. It was Colonian who also noticed the crowd.
I was picking you just because somebody needs to pay attention to Belle and
kill one can accompany her. Yeah. So yeah, Belle, describe what
you're doing in reala performance check? Yes, So I think Belle sort of
like talks about it and then she sort of looks around and she's getting the
blank looks of a group who is not dancers, and she's like, let
me show you, and then she just sort of like hops into like a
space on the platform where there's you know a little bit more move space to
move and just like starts dancing. And then she keeps trying to like toss
it to Keilonion and now you, and I imagine that Keilonian maybe doesn't react
and she's like and I'm gonna keep going and now you and just doesn't.
She tries to pass it off to Clorice. Clarice is not even paying attention.
Yeah, so I think that's what's happening. Klian is not picking up
what you're putting down, but he's delighted. He's like big grin on his
face. He's like wagging his little turtletail. Amazing, amazing. Does Kelonian
start like playing a rhythm that bell can dance to? Oh? Yeah,
yeah cool? So should I roll performance Jill? Oh yes? And does
Kilian's rhythm count as the help action? I yeah, I can. We
can call that a help auction. Oh I might not need it. That's
twenty eight. Oh wow. You have attracted a large crowd of onlookers who
are just absolutely captivated by your dance performance and by Kilonian's musical stylings amazing,
and noting the captivation of the crowd at least, I'm now going to look
for anyone who is not capting exactly, who is not watching. I think
Belle is probably like doing a plus crowd work as well, Like you know,
if there's like a kid nearby, she gets them to dance with her,
Oh yeah, for sure, Like lots of interaction. Yeah, I
got a fourteen for perception. Twenty one, you got a five. Clarice
is really busy, like rolling her eyes at Bell like you're glad for the
distraction, but what the hell is she doing? Andric and cretatio, You're
going to notice all the way on the end of the platform there are two
people having a conversation. One is dressed as a porter, one is dressed
in civilian clothes. The one in civilian clothes is very tall and hands something
to the train porter, hand something to who the train porter that he's talking
to, And you rolled it twenty one. Okay, so with a twenty
one Andrik you also notice and you turn to look in the other direction being
set out where the freight car will be when the train pulls in is a
very large crate that is labeled caution, do not drop. And you're also
going to see a couple of people who are dressed as porters but don't seem
to be doing anything like there's going to be a crew change here when this
train pulls in, and it doesn't seem like they're getting ready to do that.
They're just kind of milling about. Yeah, I'm going to make mental
notes of these people. I am not doing anything, though, depending on
how we're standing around, I might just give Clarice a little nudge and kind
of as discreetly as I can motion my head towards either end of the platform.
With the things that I saw, Clarice is going to take that as
reason to do another perception. I think that's fair, that's not so.
It's just a twelve Yeah. I don't think that you really see anything.
She's very short, she can't really say exactly yeah, and the guitar has
gotten very loud, and the crowd around Bell and Kilonian has gotten very loud.
I think that I think that it's reasonable that Clarice would not necessarily see
anything beyond what you've tried to communicate. You were, but if you persist,
Clarice will be stealthy. No. I think I would make the one
motion because I don't want to draw more attention to the fact that we are
looking around. Okay, and you said I noticed the porter. You saw
the tall person handing something to the porter. Everything else to Andrik noticed,
but you didn't. Okay, So the training pulls into the station. It's
going to be there for a couple of minutes because again there's a crew change,
there's a lot of Freith that needs to be loaded up, that sort
of thing. But as soon as they're ready, since you're in the first
class car, you're able to load in over traveling in style. Yeah,
usually the politicians, if we don't have private transit, they have us ride
first class. It's just a little bit safer that way. Well, I
guess I wouldn't mind the extra leg room. I don't know how I feel
about the first class. Did anybody put down a hat or anything for Bell
and kil Onion's performance? Kilanion, did you was your guitar case on the
ground when you were playing this when you like, when you started to play
for let's say it was sure? Yes, Ashley, there was a guitar
case on the ground rually a D one hundred. All right, Uh,
it's over year eighty eight. You've just acquired eighty eight pieces of gold for
your party. Oh all right, man, Clarice is suspicious of that.
You know, it's time of crisis. Nobody really knows what money's worth anymore.
But I know I have eighty eight more of it. There're gonna be
breadlines. Clarise immediately assumes that someone in the craft was trying to distract Bell
with the gold and that we are now in danger. So Clarice, upon
learning of the eighty eight gold pieces that have been collected, is gonna post
herself inside the first class train cabin. But like right at the door hand
on rapier. This is gonna fun so many protests, jokes on them.
Bell is always distracted. Bob Bell is gonna take forty four, but you
should give the other forty four to qiong In thank you very much. I
mean it was also the amount of gold I have is now sixty nine.
Nice. Let's go talk about gold, all right. I'm gonna get up
and walk over to Clarice. Oh, I'm just gonna whisper to her and
as in as quiet as my giant voice is. Hey, I don't know
if you and Andrex saw this, but there's some kind of shady characters out
there in the train station. There was this big, tall guy kind of
sneakily handed something to the porter, you know, just something I think you
should watch out for. Yeah, what what did the package look like?
There's an envelope? I don't know, just a normal little thing, all
right. Any memorable traits to the porter such that I could remember the porter,
I don't know. Man, just just a guy, normal looking guy.
I can't say. I mean, you had the porter uniform on,
right, I mean it's It's all I can really give you. How much
more do you need? He's a porter, right, that's school's school man,
good looking out. I just you know, Uncle Gideon's a lot for
me. I just want to want to make sure I'm looking out for him.
Yeah, speaking of which, I think maybe I should sit with Uncle
Gideon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can take my seat.
I'll swap over, but I'm just gonna hang out. I want to
make sure nobody's boarding the car from this side. Yeah, so Cretato,
your seat is actually across the aisle. From Gideon. You were assigned that
seat when Gideon people procured the train tickets because they thought maybe you'd need the
extra legroom and could kind of stick your legs out into the aisle. Okay,
whereas claricea sitting on a window seat, so I don't know that you
necessarily want to take her seat, although you're welcome to try. I figured
we'd put Gideon next to the window and then I'll sit where Gideon is currently,
just so that there's a very large lizard guy in between anybody in Gideon.
Sure, do you want to roll a persuasion check to see if Gideon
feels like moving? Sure? Nineteen total. Yeah, he's a little grumpy
about it because he was ready to like take a nap, but he's mooved
over for you. Yeah, all right, let me just PLoP down here.
And the entire train car kind of rocks a little bit because you haven't
started moving yet. So everybody's in their position and the train is going to
start moving. And it is not lost on me that Andrick was next to
Bell and then moved when I realized that the car was empty other than ourselves,
I saw no need to cram in with anyone else. So I simply
moved across the aisle. No, No, it's fine. Clarice is going
to do an athletics check to see if the starting of the train causes her
to tole Yes. I was, Yes, we're going to do that.
Yeah, I love center. Nah, she's good. She rolled a seventy.
Yeah, you're fine. I will also tell you if you should choose
to move between train cars during this journey. Every time you move between cars,
there's going to be an acrobatics check, and depending on how that goes,
you may or may not take damage. So just be aware of that
as you are moving between cars, should you choose to do so. So
the train's moving, it's evening. Now what are you doing. Well,
I've let Angel out onto Clarice's seat next to me and put some grass eat
down for Angel to eat. Okay, roll an animal handling check twenty six.
Angel's never been on a train before, but she's having the time of
her life, just like pecking around on the seat to get those seeds.
You know, it's like the upholstered leather seats are where the stitching is.
There's seeds like that fell in there, and so she's like a little puzzle
for her, so she's really enjoying it, and she is completely unaffected by
any movements of the train. In typical Dungeons and Dragons fashion, I rolled
the D twenty on what my chicken was doing on the train. Yeah.
Yeah, it's like when we met Cretatio and he rolled a natural twenty to
figure out whether his mom actually meant the letter that she sent. Clarice is
gonna check the door open and close function for the side that she's on,
huh, and just sort of look at the between car juncture, see if
anything looks rusty door like it's you know, is there an emergency stop button?
Just all the investigation. Okay, roll out of investigation. Check that
was a cry. It's dark outside, so you don't notice anything except for
you here, Uncle Gideon down the car and Clarice's could you please stop that.
It's making so much noise every time that door opens, and I just
really really need some sleep. Clarie's is going to stop, and she's gonna
just hop into the seat nearest to the door opening and start to trim her
nails with her dagger. At least it's with the dagger, not actually nail
clippers, so you don't have to hear that like clipping sound. Cretatio has
taken a nap. He's client fully his mouth wide open, snoring so you
can all see his teeth. Yes, he's just lovely. Andrick is reading.
What are you reading? I heard it's a book of short stories by
renowned shadow author Medgar Darren Rowe. So are you reading to relax or are
you reading? I'm mainly reading but not actually processing the words because I'm keeping
an ear and eye out, particularly for anything coming from the back since I'm
near the back of the car and just kind of thinking through the exchange I
saw between the porter and the tall man. Okay, what are some of
Medgar Alan does hit? Darren Darren? So there's the Cats of a Montelado.
There is the telltale fart, the call of the mouse of Usher,
the ken Coup, and one piece that's not or that something was actually written
by someone else, not Row because it's extremely body and grotesque, the pit
and the Paranaeum. Okay, Belle, what are you doing? I think
Bell has travel snacks. She got out some popcorn and is like tossing it
up in the air and trying to catch it in her mouth. Real performance
jack, she did. I would just want to say before I continue this,
Oh yes, I did notice Cretatio's mouth wide open and for a moment
struggled to not make his mouth the goal, but he had not consented to
that in advance, so she restrained and was instead trying to catch in her
own Mouthy, we'll do a performance check, you said, yes, Oh
yeah, every single grade of popcorn that you throw up in the air you
catch. Cool. She gets continuously more elaborate with you know, the poses.
I would expect nothing less. Glories, who did not bring snacks,
is seeing the popcorn just pop up and down at Bell's seat, and eventually
decides that she is gonna go get dinner and find the dining car. If
Clarice moves toward the dining car, Bell is going to be like dinner time,
dinnertime, let's go, It's like midnight. Yeah, that's I'm still
that seems sick character. Clarice has grown accustomed to traveling first class with her
parents and other politicians, so she knows the dining car will accommodate. I
imagine that Belle has a similar now, even if she didn't know she would
be like, yeah, they'll have food. They'll give me food. It's
fine. So, having already checked one door and seeing that it had no
signage for passengers and said no entry, She's going to go to the other
end of the car, towards Car five. About how long have you been
on the train at this point? I think no more than an hour?
Okay, So you're gonna head towards the first class Yeah, so you'll both
need to roll as you move between or well, Bell, are you following
Clarice? Oh? Okay. I imagine that Bell probably ran out of popcorn
fairly quickly, okay, and then was bored. All right, So you're
both going to need to roll an acrobatics check. We got another Bell Clarice
adventure yeap. Just to be clear, I have advantage on acrobatic checks,
so I'm going with the one that was at thirteen. Okay, Belle,
seventeen seventeen. You're both fine. You walk into the train the first class
dining car, So the train car immediately behind the one that you were writing
in. So the first class dining car has ten four top tables each,
white tablecloth, beautiful table set up. You know, China crystal silver,
like this is true first class. There's nobody in there and there's no real
sign of so Bell's gonna look around for like a bell, you know,
like a little little ding ring for service something, and Clarius is gonna just
keep walking. As you are approaching the door to the kitchen car, the
entire train lurches to a stop. There is glassware and china thrown from the
tables all around you, so definitely not a plan to stop. Not a
plan to stop. You're kind of in the middle of nowhere, so and
this is a very sudden stop. I assume there are windows. Yes,
Bell's gonna look out the window and be like this is really gonna ruin our
plants for a midnight snap and Clarius going to say get back now and start
hustling herself back towards the car where idiot is, what's the weather. It's
it's springtime, it's mild. Just want to be sure, like a snowstorm
had blocked a tunnel that we were supposed to go through now and the country
is not so large that you would have like within you know, an hour
and a half two hours of where you departed, that there would be like
a significant climate change? There can I ask you didn't asked this before?
Is this a steam engine? Yes? Okay, yeah, the seam locomotive.
Okay, so the train has abruptly stopped. Clarice and beller running back
into the first class car. Yeah, do we need to do acrobatics tricks
again? Well, first before you even leave the car, everybody but the
two of you first, because we're with you right now. We're gonna pretty
big used to roll a one D six plus three bludgeoning damage, no decks,
sterreity saving fro or anything, nope, I okay? And what kind
of budgeting damage? Right? But is it an attack? Because I have
it's from the it's from the train stops. It's from the train stopping,
and you like slamming into in your case, since you're in the dining car,
like you would like fall over one of the tables. Probably, Okay,
I got a one plus how much? One D six plus three?
Okay, But we're gonna worry about what Bell and Clarice are taking now and
we'll come back to you guys. Oh so we're not rolling, Oh you're
all gonna roll it, but we're right now. We're still with Bell and
Clarice. Clarice took the fold damage nine damage. Wow, Bell, how
much damage did you take? I rolled a one side, took four.
Okay, because the train is stopped, you don't need to take you don't
need to do your acrobatics check. So you've run back into the first class
car, the two of you. It's still just Gideon and your three other
party members who are there. They've all also taken some damage. I'm gonna
roll for Gideon, all right. Gideon has taken six damage. Let's go
around and get everybody else's damage too, I remarked, mine off, I
took took five damage. And you're sitting there like when the train lurches.
He's, you know, head down in the book and just wasn't paying attention.
And I guess his seat belt wasn't done as well as he thought it
was. Means forward and like cracks his head on the seat in front of
him. So now has a trickle of blood running down the side of his
face above his eyebrow. Okay, Cretatio, you took four damage. Okay,
I'm killing him. I've shaken a leg six damage, I dare ask,
Yeah, is angels still out on the seat and chickens don't fly,
do they the Actually she can flutter, they glide. We're gonna have her
take half damage half what damage plus three? Oh? God, she has
one hip hoh she has one hip point. You know what. She's fine,
she's small. We're not killing her. She has wings. Is she
is she familiar or is she an actual chicken? She's an actual chicken.
Okay, she has instinct, she knows, she knows what's going on.
Okay, I'm not killing your bird, not for this. I don't know
how much time there is before things are gonna happen. But Keilonian is gonna
try to heal people. Okay, Kler's kid, probably starting with Gideon.
Yeah, let me help you out there. Gideon. I don't call your
uncle, but I will heal you. Yeah, that's fine. Ah.
What the hell was that was in the middle of really could nap stumps?
How are you doing with healing? Gideon? I took the healer feet so
I can spend one use of a healer's get to ten to a creature and
restore one D six plus four hit points okay to it plus additional hit points
equal to the creature's maximum number of hit dice. I honestly don't know what
Gideon's number of hit dice are, so we're just going to do the straight
role for this one. It's usually your level, right, No, it
is, it is tied to level. It's whatever level Gideon would be.
Gideon is level twelve twelve hit points, yeah, plus five, so he's
back to full health at that point, and then probably I will try to
help as many people as I have. Okay, Well, Clarice and bell
have just come running back in. Clarice looks real rough. The train stopped.
Really what alerted you? The train stopping? All right? So,
so Belle is not looking too banged up, but Clarice sure is. So
you take six plus your level and it's your total level, right, So
you're you're good? Yeah, thank you? Does anybody else need you?
Guys are yeah, okay. I mean Colonian is gonna heal himself, go
for it. I'm gonna heal by so okay. So Belle and Clarice come
running in from the dining hall, and a porter comes running in from the
other direction and goes straight over to where Cretaceo and Gideon are secretary stroom color.
I don't know what happened, but I don't know that you're safe.
All right? Uh, I guess it's your call here, Uncle. What
do you think we should do? Are we sure it wasn't just like something
across the train tracks or something. I mean, can you run up to
the conductor or you ask what's going on? Wait? Wait? Why don't
you think he is safe because he's the only VIP on the train? Okay,
but like this is one hundred percent unplanned and you don't think it's a
maintenance issue. I mean, I was in the porter car, so I
can't see what was on the track ahead of us. But okay, was
anybody else in the porter car with you? No? No, okay,
okay. What we need you to do is go work your way up towards
the engineer and be careful, but find out out why we've stopped. Pull
me an insight check. I was gonna ask if I could roll it.
And I also read seventeen at twenty for a twenty nine. Wow, it
is very strange that the porter would be telling you that there was nobody else
in the porter car with him at this time. This is the middle of
the night, so the porters don't have a whole lot to do right now,
and they would presumably be like in the brake car, right, Is
this the same porter y as I got? I saw? Well? Specifically,
is it either the porter who was at the end of the car getting
the envelope or one of the porters who was standing around the crate? Do
I recognize them from the platform? I guess, roll me a history check.
It's recent history. But eleven all of the porters are dressed this and
they're all human, so it's not necessarily easy to tell them apart, especially
because it was racist that all humans look the same. In the dark where
you were on the platform, you can't necessarily tell one porter from the other,
so it's not helpful for you to Yeah, am I So the porter
said that the porter car was empty? Yes? Do I think that the
person is lying or do I think that they're telling the truth? But it's
suspicious that it was empty. He's definitely telling the truth that there was nobody
else in the porter car with him at the time. Okay, okay,
why do you think that the secretary is in danger? Didn't we just isn't
there just an obstruction or a snag? That's why I told the porter to
go check, don't. I don't know why the train stopped, but I'm
just assuming if if Secretary's from Collar is on board on the train and there's
some you know, the country's in danger right now, he's probably in danger.
You did the right thing, and we're not going to ask anything more
of you. Just do your job and get this train going again. Technically
not my job, I mean the passenger side of things. You work for
the train company, right, I mean, can you just can you go
see the driver, engineer, whoever conductor, see what's going on, see
if we can get the train running. You would, you know, have
a lot of angry passengers if you didn't get the train where it was going.
So that's what we're asking you to do. I I guess so you
maybe maybe I should go get the head porter. Uh. We will keep
an eye out, and presumably your fellow porters are helping passengers or in the
other cars, so they'll have to come up here at some point. Okay,
Okay, yeah, I'll just I'll go check with the engineer. If
it might be unsafe, perhaps one of us should accompany them. Clarice immediately
places a tiny finger to the side of her nose, indicating nose goes Cretatio
attempts to touch his nose with his tiny arms, and remembers that he would
not be able to do that. You know, I don't care about noseghost.
I should probably stay with uncle here. Just so you know, big
lizard guy, I'll make this very simple. You mind the secretary of your
uncle. I will accompany the porter to speak with the engineer about what potential
tragedy has befallen this train bell raises her hand. Does somebody call on her
this? I have a question. So, okay, there's supposed to be
like a lot of porters on this train, right because there's you know,
porting to do. Uh, but if there are lounges over there, where
have they all been, Because like, nobody came through our car and nobody
came through the dining car. I don't know. I've just you know,
I boarded the train in Schellimir the same as everybody else. I haven't seen
any of the other porters. Have you just been like hanging out in the
breakroom this whole time? I was supposed to come check on you in about
twenty minutes, So you haven't seen any of your coworkers. Nope, huh.
How many coworkers are usually? Porters are usually on this train. There
are usually six porters on a train of this size, I think, I
mean, I think we only saw maybe two, including you. Is that
normally? Is this something you would have noticed? Well, so Andrek on
the platform would have seen several porters. Yeah, there's the one who had
the en Olympics change. And then I got the impression there were like four
or five around where the crate was. Yeah. Oh right, well there
were a couple of year over the crate was, and there were a few
that were like milling around, right, because it's not unusual for there to
be a staff change, Yeah, there is. There was a staff change
pulling into Shallowmere. Yeah, but is it usual for them to like never
come through? Will me a history check me? Yes, she's asking for
a reason. All right, I'm rolling. Oh it looked like it was
gonna land on the nineteen and it rolled over to the nine to ten.
So you've you've taken a lot of trains across UVRA in like diplomatic capacities with
your family. But usually you either fall asleep the second you get on the
train, or you like go to the dining car, make friends with the
staff and just hang out. Like you're not really familiar with the way that,
like what is a normal train experience. Yeah, that's why I'm asking.
Oh my goddess, all right, we're talking in circles. I'm gonna
go, let's go. I'm going to go speak to the engineer. I
guess the rest of us just I don't know, stay tight around uncle.
My inclination is to let Belle be Bell and have her go find supporters to
befriend. Yeah. Sure, how's that feel, Bell? I mean,
okay, do you want company? I like figured you'd probably want to stay
with your uncle, but like, if you want to come, you can
come, just like don't I just thought you and be Colonian would probably be
really good at making friends. Oh you were volunteering somebody else, Yeah,
Colonia, do you want to come with me? Oh? I do like
buddies, buddies if we think that, yeah, buddy times one more time.
Buddyguards, buddyguards, buddyguards, buddyguards, bardyguards. The buddyguards have a
mission, so you need to go find the porters and make sure that they
are doing their actual jobs getting this train secure. And on its way.
Oh right, as long as we think that Gideon will be safe, they
might have snacks. That's true, they might have all right, So let's
go with Andrik and the porter first. Okay, so you're in the fourth
car. To get to the engineers, to the engine you need to first
walk through into the next car, which is the porter breakroom. I'm gonna
have the porter walk ahead of me and I'm going to follow. Okay,
you are in basically what looks like a locker room kind of on one wall
of the car, there are no windows because there are Florida ceiling lockers.
Way more lockers than you would think, given that there are six porters,
and then like the engineers and a couple of other the firemen, a couple
of other folks. But like it's like twenty lockers that you're seeing. So
we're talking like narrow high school style locker. Yes. On the opposite side
there are still windows, and then there are long benches. It doesn't look
like this is really set up to be conducive for the porters to sleep.
We don't want the porters to sleep on their shift, but at least they
have a place that they can sit down. Take a load off, if
they need to change clothes, anything like that. Got it? Do you
want to do anything in this car? Do the lockers do they have like
tape with names on them? How are they they're designated? Is they have
numbers? Okay? I think if the porter's just move is the porter just
moving straight through going towards the coal car, Yes, the porter is moving
straight through. The porter's not moving particularly fast. Okay. First I'd like
to take a peek out the windows over the benches, seeing like, does
it seem like what kind of landscape are we in? Right? Do you
have dark vision? I do sixty feet okay, So sixty feet from the
window, you can see you're in the forest. There are trees based like
a very dense forest cover. You don't see any other Like, there are
no humanoids out there, there are no beasts out there. It's just forest
of home. Roll me a perception check eleven. There's the faintest sound of
something that doesn't sound like nature outside, but the train the train stop,
like the engine is still running and you're inside of the train, inside this
metal container, so you can't really identify it. It's just not it's not
crickets. It's not the breeze. There's something else. Let's say to the
porter, I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. My name, yes,
And he just points to his and it says, Higgins, Higgins.
I not be one to tell you how to do your job, Higgins,
but we do have a dignitary here, and I would think we would like
to get the strain moving as soon as possible. Could you perhaps speed up
a little bit? He turns and moves slightly faster into the coal car.
Okay, So, unlike what we think of as a coal car, which
is just like a box car that is loaded with heaps of coal, this
is a regular freight car. On one side there are a bunch of large
chests, metal chests that presumably contain the coal. On the other side are
large barrels that are labeled as water. Okay, do the coal crates do
they seem to be locked? Or can I just like lift one up and
take a peek in. You can lift one up, but it's a strength
check, sure, non natural twenty and you've got dark vision. Yes,
when you open it up, you notice that that particular chest is mostly empty.
But when you stick your head kind of into the chest and look to
one side. You see a scrap of fabric. I'm going to pull out
the piece of fabric. Investigation Check sixteen. What you see is another porter's
uniform. Seems like there was nothing wrong with it, but it's definitely being
hidden. Higgins. Who else is supposed to be on this shift with you?
The other five porters and the engineer and the assistant engineer and the yes,
your colleagues. What are their names? I'd like to know how you're
liking your time here. Those are two very unrelated questions. Sorry small talk,
well mean inside Check twenty one. He's real nervous. This is the
first I'll say, snaffoo you've had on a trip. I mean, you
know, sometimes the trains have to stop, there will be a branch on
the tracks, snow pile up north. I don't know, it's like we
do usually stop abruptly like this without some sort of communication, but you know
clearly the engineer saw something. Well, let's get a move on and go
speak to the engineer. Then you know, I think that really I should
probably find the main the headporter. The rest of the rest of Secretary Storm
Callers accompaniment will surely take out that you and I are going to go speak
to the engineer forthwith let's go intimidation check seventeen. His shoulder slump and he
turns around and leads you into the engine What does he know. Well,
we're actually going to pause, I thought, and we're going to flash over
to Bell and Keilonian, who are still in the first class car, because
this is all happening in bullet time. But presumably you are heading in the
other direction. Yes, yes, you're going to head back toward the first
class dining car, which is where Belle and Clarice had been. So you're
seeing what Belle had seen and Clarice had seen, which is everything in disarray,
all of the finery, the china, the silver of the crystal on
the floor, much of it broken. There are table cards on each table
that are askew. Do you want to see or do anything in this car
or do you want to just keep moving through? Well, I'll do it
like a perception check, okay, just anything out of the ordinary. Sixteen
you get the feeling that you're not alone, kind of strings back into his
shells a little bit. Yeah, Belle, you ever get that feeling that
you're being watched? Oh? My goodness all the time, Like anywhere I
go, there's just people they're like, oh, look at her? Is
that Belle? Oh? Well, break You know, I'm not talking about
like when you're dancing or when you're looking great. I'm just talking about like
suspiciously. No. Yeah, I mean like every single day when I walk
down the street, I hear people say baby, So I'm sweet Belle.
I think someone's watching us and we don't see them right now. Oh so,
do you have the feeling that you are not alone in this room?
What are you going to do? I have a quick question before we proceed,
A question and a statement. One. Did Angel come with us?
I don't know, Kiloni, Oh yeah, I was gonna say I would
have left the guitar and Angel okay back there, so I have neither with
me? Got it? Number two? My statement, I feel like Belle
is probably a little bit further down the car now, because like when Keilonian
like got the vibes and stopped, she did not get the vibes. She
just thinks like closer to the door to the next car. I think she's
probably about let's say, like two thirds of the way down. And I
do think that she is fit onion. Okay, yeah, so when he
says that I think Bell will probably do a perception check, yeah, go
for it. That's that's a three. Uh yeah, you don't notice anything
at all. But I am going to ask you now to roll a strength
check great. Oh sorry, strength check or strength saving throw? Oh yes,
strength saving through good, because that's what I rolled. That's a sixteen.
The table that you're standing immediately next to rattles a little bit and you
jump out of the way just in time for the table to turn on its
side and reveal that it has teeth. And on that note, please join
us in two weeks for our next installment of the Barbecue, where we'll do
a deep dive into episode six, and then two weeks after that for episode
seven of Oops All Barts. As always, I've been your game master,
Jillian Ashley Blair Ivy and on behalf of our bards. Thanks for joining us
and we'll see you next time. Oops All Bards is created, GMed,
and directed by Gillian Ashley Blair Ivy. This episode was produced, edited,
and sound designed by Nate Runkle. Oops All Bards stars Ashley Banks as Belsernamio
and Coleman as Clarice Sauerkloud, Ross Curry as Andrew Carroll, hold Tage Sinha
Das as Cretaceo thunder Thigh, and Bob Killian as Colonian Stumps. The Oops
All Bards theme song is by Bob Killian with additional lyrics by Jillian Ashley Blair
Ivy. Oops All Bards is executive produced by the porch Room. We are
part of the porch Room Network on spreaker Prime. For more information, visit
oopsalbards dot com. Thanks and be sure to rate, review and subscribe to
Oops All Bards on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or your podcatcher of choice,
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next time. Oops E sal bars oh one another quality podcast from the Portroom