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Dames Maaster will be thank you Tigers. Hey everybody. I'm John Harkness and
I'll be playing the role of Aloisious light Bringer, the nut punching monk.
In real life, I don't randomly punch people in the balls, and nor
do I do it on request, just for the record, And I write
a bunch of different things, including The Bubba, the Monster Hunter books,
Quincy Harker Demon Hunter, and the Blacknet Chronicles. And I'm the founder and
publisher of Falstaff Books, So head on over to Falstaff books dot com and
buy all our stuffs. Hi. I'm Joseph Brassy. I played the role
of cal hashwood Stone Paladin. I was an author on the Mongoliad books.
My novel Skyfarer and Dragon Wrote can be found from Angry Robot Books and everywhere
books are sold. And I'm the author of such non existent titles as Wham
Bam, thank You, Clam, the Story It's about It's about fucking moluks,
Okay, salutations, skin Sex. I am Metallicism. I am also
Drew Hayes. I write books such as NBC Spread, The Vampire Accountants,
Superpowers, Oh Spell Swords, and Stuff has book number five coming out.
Hello friends, my name is Ropert Bevan. I played the role of jews
Er the Sorcerer. In real life. I write the Caverns and Creatures series
of comedy fantasy novels and short stories, starting with the first book, Critical
Failures. Stand Dan Deliver here not so much a dashing rogue as a daughtering
rogue. In real life, I am Steve Wevill, and I write such
books as Doomsay, A Journey's with Foul Staff books. Go check them out.
Hey everyone, my name is Rick Walteriri, and I am the crypto
bro trying to sell you these worthless NFTs. Oh look, there's Jorcerer now
in mustard yellow, right, I will I will buy your mustard yellow Jeorcer.
That sounds like a worthwhile investment to me, I say, I say
worthless yet that's how we're like. You know, we crack, we crack
a million there. But anyway, I'll have you know I am very fungible.
Can I block that chain immediately? God? You know, a jorcer
NFT might be what it takes to kill NFTs. Yeah, jorcer trying to
breed with an NFT. It's like, Hey, all right, show me
an ft we showed them Jorcer. Everyone just goes, you know what,
we're going to divest from this. It's like when you hear it's like when
you hear your dad say radical, You're like, oh, no, I'm
not telling how it happened, but the blood chain has gonna rate. You
know. The stupid thing is we try to like mock it. We just
put out like two hundred and fifty six versions of like you know, doors
were just in different shades of color, and suddenly we'd be like, well,
damn that we're rich. I guess we showed them. So if we
sell out and sell a bunch of orser NFTs, this is our preemptive defense
that we're just laid ahead of time. No, we did it, ironically,
it just got out of hand. Man, who could have possibly foreseen
this. You're here, you're hearing it here. First. If we sell
a bunch of orser or NFTs and end up rich, I'm not gonna give
a fuck what anybody thinks about it. Yeah, that's truly the sign that
like the end times are here. Fucking just burn it and grab which you
can. Well, before we get started, just a reminder to those of
you listening at home to uh like, subscribe wherever you're wherever you're listening to
us, and be sure to leave a review, preferably a good one.
But hey, we'll take We'll take it what we can get, all right.
When last we left our intrepid seamen, they had they had just caused
a bit of a bit of chaos in in the town hall with the Council
of Elders. They had been offered they had been offered a way out a
minor a minor sentence for their penance, and instead opted, well stand opted
to uh to read itself. I was about to stick up for you there,
Eric, I was about to say that put yourself down. You've You've
offered as plenty of ways out this. I'm not taking responsibility for no,
no, no, you broke you. I was just gonna say, you
know, things are starting to get weird. You like you know you you
got out of your shackles, A guard came after you, um and you
managed to convince them that you were there. Father. See it seems like
a weirdly anti stand recollection of events. Well, sadly, if I've done
something to upset you, rate just we could talk about Stan Daniel ever gonna
get pinned for everybody. Oh, don't worry, we'll be talking tonight.
Anyway. The guard one Old Leg Mackerelson. You know, he was a
he was a quiet, quiet man, well liked mongus colleagues, just trying
to just trying to honor the memory of his dead, deceased father. And
then he saw then he saw stand there mimicking, convincing him that Dad was
back. And for a second Old Leg felt hope. And then Alphons snapped
his snapped his neck. I mean and alas sadly, old Leg, well,
he leaves behind a wife and three young children left to know make to
make their way through this world, all of this cruel world, all alone.
That was That was for like, you know, for the listeners,
not the not not meta game information for you guys. Yeah, ricks now
put in more character development on this dead ass guard than most of us did
on our characters. So what's the wife's charisma score? Oh guy, Well,
you don't know about the wife yet because again that's that's meta game stuff.
So anyway, and the course of the battle we had, we had
metallic Zamas start to set fire to the put a place jorcerer who was who
is currently bleeding but has shrunken himself to a small size um Alphonse, who
then got after breaking the guard's neck in a fit of rage. He was
knocked out by squat iron glute, and we ended at the top of the
round with the guards bursting in and the rest of the town council about to
join in the fight. So why does it? Why doesn't everybody give me
a fresh initiative? I'm a I'm a little bit lost in the mental image
of a jorcerer Graham to be honest, er, there are so many ways
we can make money from this podcast, or the sorcerer rolls in nineteen,
Cal rolls in that one. Yeah, unconscious Al rolled in eleven. Stan
Dandie Liper roll is seventeen. You're a quick one, mister Dundee Liver.
It is appropriate that Stan go before Al because well, he's actually fucking conscious.
Let's see that can be less useful than an unconscious Pesson if I put
my mind to it. Believe in yourself. This is the second adventuring party
that we've put together that doesn't have a cleric, right, all right,
So let's h get a lot of folks hop it into this one. Let's
see where we are, all right, very short session. The guards are
first. Let's see if they notice the guards at the door. Anyway,
Let's see if they notice a tiny Jeorcerer. Oh, I forgot about tiny
Georger. A terrible thing to Nevis and it's still this cottage. It's like
the world's most disgusting action figure, like us killing the town council. That
kind of falls into standard adventurer shit, but like tiny Jorcer, that's when
you wonder, what the fuck is going on in this room? Can they
roll for losing that shit? Rick? It's like a really evil poly pocket.
Before anything happens, I've got on my character. Shoot here, current
hit points twenty six hit point maximum seven. That's problem right, that might
be how do you fucking do just what I'm poud effort Listeners to prison Pocket
Jeucer will be available as an FT oh and Jorcer you are bleeding of as
a result of the actions and last time, so you'll be taking one D
four hit points of damage on each turn until you staunch that. But anyway,
the guards roll a six, which means they step bright past you.
Does you get a tiny attack of opportunity, an attack of opportunity. This
is terrible, you know. I'll say, sure, I don't actually want
one, as long as they haven't noticed me. I don't want to blow
my cover. Okay, it's the only thing. Why not, you'll blow
anything else. Well, then it looks like they're coming after you, all
right, twenty two and seventeen. Yeah, that definitely hits. All right,
you take four piercing Okay, cool, that's fine. I'm fine,
it's all fine. All right. I Tellica zam yo, gret gret up.
Best swallow, you know, she she screams out, Somebody put out
this fire. I'll deal with this. This robot. She she continues,
trying to hack away at you with her spear. Don't touch my robot.
Man. She steps at you twice, one I assume missus, which is
a twelve and the other is a nineteen nineteen. Definitely hit. Yeah,
all right, she manages to pierce your your nuts and bolts for three.
Hey, don't touch my fucking robot. Wait a minute, Wait a minute,
it's a fucking robot. Buy me a drink first, not anymore.
It just had his nuts piers. That can be that. Hey, we
got We're just getting more n FT ideas here. Metallicism and fucking metallicam metallicisms,
genitools and FT. I did play in a cyberpunk game or like a
space game or something. Uh, and I played a robot that Will was
a former sexstroid that had been repurposed into a battle robot. But he did
have a chamber of combat dildos just for fun. Nice. Nice. Also
the inevitable feature. I guess what foreshadowing if we live combat is foreshadowing,
but it's foreshadowing to Shingles, the movie that you'll be able to purchase on
streaming services in late twenty twenty two. Goddamn, John, that was fucking
smooth. That was That was that was That was just like blowing fast over
the plate. Wow. Yeah, you are on that shit spreading of something
that's that's more moist than smooth Jorcerer. You take you take one hit point
of bleed damage. It is your turn, all right. Now, we
don't know how smooth or not smooth Jorcerer is. Yeah, I marked that
down. It was twenty five current hit points. I'm still I'm not sure
what that's supposed to be. But um has my speed changed. No,
no, all right, so tiny Doorser can move like a motherfucker. Um,
well, I'm going to let's see this guy, this guy directly in
front of me. That's a party member, correct, yes, all right,
although at your size he's basically just just two legs and a codpiece.
All right, let me see. I'm gonna try this movement thing. The
image of tiny dorser a moving thirty thirty feet per move action. Yeah,
fucking quickened, scurry like god slightly end of muhalland drive. It's like you
see it, You're like, okay, well it's a little at least it's
a distance from me, and then it's just fucking booking and you're like,
oh no, no, no, no, no, yeah, I've seen
cock just do that shit. Yeah. It's like when a rat runs at
you, like right at you. Yeah, it's like when you see it
and you deal with it and then it moves and all of a sudden you've
got to deal with that, like on so much more of a level.
It's like, okay, that's it is. Somebody shaved a perverted squirrel and
now it's running at you and it's moving away too fast. All right,
I'm moving up into the up into the left one space, then up into
the right. All right, oh this is working now, and then continuing
along there and then I'm gonna scurry under the table and I'm gonna use a
dash action and get behind the old lady and run out of the table and
run unto the chair. That's it possible. Yeah, actually I don't see
why, yeah, why that wouldn't work? And uh yeah, that's my
turn, Stan, give me a perception check, okay, seventeen that that
would be stand not your Oh all right, sorry, we all know what
you're looking at. Everybody's crutches just like waving above you like giant zeppelins.
We know what you're looking at, all right, rusty old badge A nine,
all right, Oddly enough, you do nuts in the chaos. You
do not notice a tiny George Surer scurrying through the battlefield. Maybe I don't
want to notice, ye, merciful Jesus. Now I'm pre jacked up from
that one exploding. So far my acting skills have killed both an enemy and
uh an ally we will remember. It's like the puppy commercials. I feel
like on the YouTube it needs to be a picture of this, like default
character token with your loving memory just anytime, anytime that character has mentioned,
we cut out from the map and we cut in, and we just flashed
in loving memory of this guy, his NBC wife and kids, their house
burning down. The honorable thing to do would be able to to get into
this absolute suicide fight. I don't know, Maybe I should do something shitty
again. I'm still working the whole dying old man thing, which isn't really
that far from the roof, not in this party. I believe you you
have the guard's dagger on you as a weapon. I believe I did conceal
that also you lovingly that boss stupid boy. It was his father's and his
father's before him, and now his poor stupid boy and its poor stupid offense.
Okay, I want to see if I can buy some time for cal
without getting myself into a conflict which will just instantly result in my death.
So I'm going to continue being a piece of shit. I'm going to crawl
up to this guard say help me. I'm having a heart attack and everyone's
gone mad. I mean, you could have just picked me up and said
get help. We all in here. You seem to want to die,
so no, no, I just want to hit everything tap results in probably
me dying. Okay, well, I think I will need a performance role
for that. That failed me now performance ross. I called this the Sanford
can I not have a persuasion. I'd be much better at persuasion. It's
a big performance. Coming to see Earthel fifty. That's a that's quite good.
I guess we'll see if if it convinces them. I very weird diversion,
but I had no idea Sanford and Son was a remake of a British
show. Also, it's Elizabeth, not fucking Ethel. All your shows are
remakes of brace shows. I mean, I couldn't remember my character's name and
the intros, so like, I would have bet hard money that that would
not be a British remake. But nope, Steptoe and Son literally the first
time I've heard that. Keep a bunch of Phyllis dice. M Yeah,
yeah, I totally any anything else stand other than the screaming about your heart
is literally trying to style this out or just die instantly in a mellow.
I'd love to. I'd love to be more heroic. The options not the
title. I do like that he is genuinely playing an old man in an
adventure. There, it's like, yeahs would be great. That's not the
tool I have at my disposal to play a rogue. Here. There's no
at to hide in this small room where we decided to old die. There's
a table, the table. We don't want to know where jorcerer is about
to hide. Going to the table is even less heroic than what I'm doing
right now. I've been hiding just fine. It's more to morrow, so
I assume that is it for your turn. Yeah, I got nothing else,
all right? All right? Well, squat his next. He's like,
guards keep the old user from dying when I take care of his uh
his friend here? All right, come on, come on, come on,
slam squat thrust all right. He throws out a flurry of blows at
you. Let's see her. These are coming in at at advantage, all
right. I assume a thirteen messes you, yeah, all right, but
a critic does doesn't, So he punches you into stomach for fourteen bouts.
Oh god, using the whole glove. There, He's like, I work
out and do nothing else apparently, all right, So some of the guards
turns. This guard starts trying to put out the fire. That's a metallica
zam started. Let's see here, low as good, high as bad.
He basically does does nothing other than flail at it, trying to stomp it
out, before realizing that his boots are probably really flammable. Let's see here
how this guard Who's who? These guards react? First of all, perception
check from both of them. The first guard is like, help, this
man is dying. But the second guard, who rules up fifteen, is
like, wait, whereas manacles shackle them up first? Then save them?
You remind me of my stuff. Wait till I'm revived so I can kill
this motherfucker after you convince some of those so they are going to attempt to
shackle you. I guess the question is do you resist? I just I
guess I still have my my fishbone. I successfully used to pick them up
last time. I'll tell you what if it wraps them up for a round,
Um, yeah, sure, I do not rest they They they spend
the round attempting, attempting, well actually not attempting. They spend a round
shackling your arms. But they do serve as kind of just kind of bottle
next to keep the other guards who can clearly hear trying to get in,
still outside the door. All right, this is this is kind of a
selfless action. All right. The dwarves are up. I can't remember they
were pro or anti slavery. I think they're probably anti Stuck in a burning
building, they were pro convenient labor. Well, maybe they'll just charge pass
heroically. The stand Dandy liver Way, you danger me and my husband,
You tin can and he goes to smash. No one is pro being killed
by a robo cowards. I'll assume it ten missus doesn't fourteen hit you.
It does not, all right. In his rage, he manages to miss
you. Listen, man, you need to take your pro bionics. But
then Dole hammer Hand steps in. I offered you a chance to work in
me minds. You're thrown in my face. No, I'm throwing my fist
in your face. And he's called hammer hand for a reason because of an
unfortunate mining accident, and his hand has been replaced with a hammer. That
be sweet, pretty much. I'm gonna make a proctology joke, but a
kript and I assume with twenty one hits you Metallica Zam it will all right.
You take eleven from the krypton five more from the other as he puts
several dents in your face and Metallica zam is Metallica down. M that's not
ideal. Yeah, none of yours can heal me, I'm sure, yeah,
assumption to make all right. Pink Slip pretty much cowers in the corner
as he screams out. If they'd let me kill the frog, I probably
would have stopped being such an asshole. Metallica's am, Yo, give me
a death save nine, first failure, alright, first failure, alphons,
give me a death save eleven. All right, you make it. The
guards outside the doors, um, they're continuing to push in. Normally they
can move through friendly space, but to these two guards are bent over trying
to you know, getting ready to give mouth to mouth to stand. Oh
god, oh my, that first day training is terrible. He's having an
attack. Bind his hands and kiss him, all right, Oleander Maggott decides
to wait into the fray. These steps past, Alphonse giving you a kick
as he attempts to take take a swipe at at you, cal and he
hits with a twenty one for seven. All right, let me do some
quick math. Oh my god, is it all gonna come down to Jorcer?
Have one? I have one extremely spiteful thing that I'm going to attempt
if I get a chance. Jorcer is by an open window he can just
carry off. The rest of his podcast might be the adventures of Tiny Josh.
That's how we finally like top the Apple Chark, or I like goes
out there Cumbelina. When when last we left off, Tiny Jorcer had climbed
in the King's asshole, steering him around in a kind of a rata tui
situation. I kept flash mec you using his coal in like a punching bag.
Sadly, being only half my original size, I don't think I could
make that maneuver in this situation if we ever find a giant however, all
right, all right, Council numbered diamond Osen seeing the things seemed to be
okay. Yeah, he's he's like, go get him, friends, What
does he fucking stand? Dandyliver's son be my favorite that's fair and is likely
likewise does doesn't do anything because there's no reason too and cal that brings us
to you, all right, surrounded and stand his quite blatantly faking a heart
attack. Do I want to do stupid? Or do I want to do
sensible? Stupid? It will probably be your last action. So yeah,
all right, we're gonna go Paladin. Okay, so I ever test.
Oh god, this is such a shitty idea. All right, I don't
have a macro build for this. So the oaps and Dragon's battle cry.
Can I throw my spear? Um, you're in, You're in in minute,
you're in melee. I think I think if you're throwing it while in
melee, I think that that gives you disadvantage. If I recall correctly.
I think that's only if you target someone in it across. If he's throwing
it at a range target, I don't think he gets that. Oh okay,
I don't think it's Are you going long distance frog gigging? Yep?
Fuck? Yeah, all right, you're ever smite into it. That is
actually what I'm planning on doing. We're going deep can tire essence into skewering
A fucking this is gonna be stupid. Let's see, I have no bonus
to I have no dex bonus, so this wait, no I get proficiency
bonus still make a couch, Joe. Yeah, I'm gonna try that is
A seventeen. As you are piled on you see you see pink slip,
go down, fuck off, Slaver, frock we won. I can die
a happy, a little halfling freedom. Well we killed one slaver all right.
As you you throw the spear and it's like you know it. It
slams into pink slip as a divine energy crackle, and the rest of the
council and the guards seem to not care. We were the only ones who
about pinks. We've always known that. So the guards, as they continue
attacking you, one has advantage, one does not. But at eleven and
a five, I assume miss you dodging. Dodging all right, Greta attempts
to h let's see if she notices tiny George er first, oh god shit,
she does not. Instead, she instead busies herself with trying to put
out the fire, which she does. He manages to damp it out while
berating the incompetent guard, and that brings us to you, George. All
right, Well, this is the only the only play I've had since I've
been thinking about this for a one a month. I would like to return
to normal eyes. Oh wait, wait, first, what what is that
an action? No? No, no, first you take four points of
bleed damage? Right, good, I'm gonna use that. And what is
that just that this this letting go of concentration or yeah, okay, all
right, and i'd like to um, I'll say that a us action.
I'll say that's a bonus action or something. Okay. I just wanted to
like put her in a chokehold and bleed on her as much as possible and
take her as a hostage. All right. You don't know where I've been,
God, you don't know where. All right, we'll no dead.
Like she might live through this encounter, but she's fucking dead. The idea
was to make it look like it was her blood, but this works too.
All right, let's see here. Do you know what you know what
this means? Rick Yepple? All right, so you're making an athletics check
contented by by her athletics? Oh God, can jocer wrestling? Old lady?
We will be waiting to find out she can do athletics or acrobatics.
She will choose acrobatics. You, in your quest to bleed on her,
you make yourself extra slippery and she slides right out of your grasp. Oh
fuck, well there's my idea. All right, I try where I'll let
you come from? That was your idea, that was taking a hostage.
What if we come back? Is that? New characters in a month,
and she started developing chaucer ask traits from blood exposure. To be fair,
the idea involved uh Metallica, is am still being alive? Yeah? That
was part of my strategy too. All right, well Stan you are you're
currently you have been reshackled, and you're lying there going oh my heart to
some useful effect in my defense. But at this point, I don't know.
Holding back the guards is just holding back the inevitable. We've got one
slipperyeosa and one on his last leg. Cow. I guess I could make
one pointless gesture of defiance or persuasion attempt. I guess if you really want
to try and persuade them. Yeah, I mean, you guys have not
left me on a particularly good diplomatic foot no surprise, you're on candid camera.
You're you're all of their fathers. In fact, as they're as they're
shackling you, they're like, well, we'll save you old legs dad.
His children deserve the right to know their grandfather. What would you like to
do? Stay? I think that's all I can do. Say, you're
all a bunch of good boys, and I'm sure you'd never willingly be part
of a slaver ring. I'm sure your dear old mums would never expect you
to be part of a slaver ring. Good boys, Well done, my
good gentle boys. Last pep got way creepy. Well, I'm persuasion on
that to see if it's creepy or um in daring persuasion on it stands.
So the seeds of descent we may die. But the uprising is coming.
Literally, it's orse, Oh God, uprising is coming. This will come
in at plus seven a twenty. Hey, I guess we'll see. On
the guards turns though, what what that's that's third us second, Maybe slavery
isn't nice. It's a lug show, but it's what I've got. Squats.
On Squat's turn, he takes a free action to say, you're seeming
like a nice old man. I'll be sorry to see you hang uh,
and then he proceeds, and then he proceeds to uh, I'll just do
ah, just do. This will be two attacks, but I'm I have
to roll it four times. Just we get the so first two oh yeah,
oh yeah, all right down, it's down to and stand Dan deliver.
I've got this cost ground to a fist fight between Jorcer and the old
lady. I got five bucks on the old chick. The guards. The
guards work to secure your legs. Next you know, you've touched them like
you seem like a nice fella, but you really should have chosen your friends
better. I mean, there's nothing inaccurate about that statement. I do seem
like a nice fella, and I have fallen in with a massively suicidal crowd.
Mike leaps upon the chair with his with his weapon. Oh my,
and a sixteen hits you, right choicer maybe wants to take a little oh
yeah, he bashes you for twelve ouch. Looking at his character sheet,
Bob now remembers that he has no armor or real dexterity, and thus is
gonna get the fuck beat on. However, his husband steps in and rules
and nat one just barely missing uh, missing his life partner, but not
hurting you anymore. That would be hilarious if you like triple one can killed
his husband. Let let's be honest and nat one also barely missus Georger how
about a death save Metallica is am ah got mccough laughing. Another nine?
All right, how about you? How about you alphons? Luckily, I
have a plan for death. I also have a plan for death. Not
not IM just gonna say we are fulfilling our plans. Yeah, if the
plan was to die, more guards rush into the room. This guard,
that is a lot a fucking guard. My plan is to ascend to heaven
and then wait for ambush. They all gotta fucking die eventually, justice eventually,
as soon as they step through the gates and this guard stabs you for
eight more. Oh my still up? Uh yeah, I got one hit
point. According to my dodgy record keeping, it's it's academic at this point.
Man, it's being academic for a while now. But with this setup,
the old lady gets to kill georcur or it. His turn arrives and
he bleeds for literally any damnage. Oh shit, that's right. Oh yeahs
is going down next turn my way go down. At the drop of the
hat. Stan Oleander steps up and he's like, what's wrong with all of
you. He suck my brother's ship as he proceeds start kicking you in the
face. Dan, Oh wow, what a piece of shit, I'd say,
Actually, I didn't do that, and I will appeal to the guards
around me. Me, a week old man, had nothing to do with
the sinking of anyone's ship, or indeed any violence to befold any of your
friends. This is factually true, and you can check the episodes. All
I did was have an altercation with your frog friend and he's still unconscious to
deny what actually happened. Boy, this is the most per my email moment
of due. I'm gonna put a little persuasion on that, just to see.
Oh that's a twenty five persuasion to my guard friends, O, yours
are on your turn. You take two points of bleed damage. All right,
that puts me down. Shit, I had a good idea too,
and Stan, as the guards descend upon you, rather, I say,
rather reluctantly, to put like a hood over your head. As Oleander continues
kicking you in the face, you hear, just before you lose consciousness,
you hear Gretta's voice. Keep them alive. I have plans for them.
Oh, wonderful, oh lovely, And let's see her map change, all
right, You guys should just be able to see what's around you. Yes,
yes, all right. I'll expand this in a bit for the sake
of the folks watching at home. But you're not sure how much time passes.
Every time you awaken. It seems there's a guard there to put a
boot in your face, except for you, joyce for her, because every
time you awaken, you know, likewise sporting an erection of gardens, you
hare to put a boot in your face and in your crotch. Oh um,
yes, I don't sleep, but Metallicazam will very much play dead well,
but you can be knocked out. Uh yes, yeah, and that's
pretty much what I mean. Every time you come to, somebody's there to
basically kick you in the I don't think these boots in the face are lullabys.
They just come along and hold down your power button for three seconds every
time until until you finally come to and you find your yourselves are hooded.
You are heavily bound hand to feet, with all of your possessions, including
your fishbone gone. Oh man, oh man, I'm sober. You are
chained to each other with very short chains and uh, you come to as
the guards are marching you. Basically all you can see are the like you
know or the you can tell your friends are around you. You can cobblestones,
friends, your companions are around you. Um, I have a question
real quick, Um, are it has been long enough that our spells have
recovered? And what do I hate points look like? Just for tidiness,
like, well, you've been you've been beaten up. I'd say, uh,
all of you have three hit points free hit points. Sense that's quite
raised. But but I would I would say, um, if you have
to pray for your spells, probably not because you've given a chance to pray,
but if your spells naturally every generate. Um. Oh. In addition
to being hooded, Um, you are also gagged. Oh and metallic exam
your your voice, your your speakers have been clogged. That might be the
greatest advantage. Yeah, it's staying alive. Save a life, plug a
robot. I would say that to Josa. You are marched out, You
hear drums beating. You slowly start to hear the sounds of a crowd.
Um, you know that you were being marched past them? Um, you
feel you feel as as rotten fruits and fish guts and such are thrown at
you from the crowd, as the as as jeers rise up, everybody trying
to grab a bite to eat. You have a hood on, give me
a perception, stand and deliver. Rolls a fifteen metallic zam rolls a twenty.
The Sorcerer rolls a natural waden Hal rolls a nineteen. Was just jumping
like a trained seal for fish cuts. Everybody but your serer. As you
hear a sad voice, Mamma, where does Papa coming home? What is
this? Papa? Pop? Papa has gone to a better place, my
child. Yes, these are the pastors to set up there a farm upstate.
That's right, He's gone to a place where there aren't slavers running the
city. It's better to be dead than live here. I was the last
man to talk to your father, and he was really big on forgiveness.
Which part about which part about which better about about gagged is difficult, So
I guess the I'm just hearing your protests fall upon deaf ears other than other
than I hope you're right now for what you're dead to my own leg yet
had alight. Do I have enough movement in my chains to extend the middle
finger of both hands towards the sound? You certainly can. You don't have
much. Oh my god, to the sound of the grieving woman is to
flip off it open Jesus Christ. Yet somehow I'm the fucking instigat, somehow
I've released heroic character. All right, Slavery is bad. Motherfucker's well.
I mean, we're all on that boat. But h know that the orphan
had much of a hand. Don't sing. An instant orphan is also bad.
You're gonna call this a wash, especially when he killed his dad's peaceful
dad. It was kind of ours and it was cold blooded way possible.
Eventually you are, You are the marching stops, and the hoods are removed
from you as you find yourself standing beneath four gallows in a public square,
surrounded by a good chunk of the of the crowd, which seems to be
fired up at the prospect of what is to come. And from from behind
you you hear a cretit's voice, friends, I've brought you all here today.
Oh, I'm making to see the execution of these heinous criminals. Long
strokes. Now they are crimes, genuinely jacking off. This might be my
last chance. God, I'm just kind of moving my hands back and destruction
of the kings of the king's property going faster now, building climax, murder
of your beloved neighbor, old leg, slowing it down a few strokes in
memory, can cal get high off of his own saliva stuff in the gag?
Probably not, damn it. And attacking our town council for these acts
of treason, we have sentenced them to death. Four of their member will
hang by the neck until dead. As for the robots, not my member,
Yeah, I don't have four members hang by the neck until dead.
As as for the robots, well, he shall be torn apart by horses,
melted down, and his remains made in two fishawks. And that sets
the crowd's bad. That sets the crowd of cheering on hand motion of a
little frog hopping across my hand? Can I can? I Let's see what
kind of effort would it take to try and get the gag out of my
mouth? Tingle my head or I start spitting a lot. I'm just trying
to swallow mine, I'd say, Jesus Christ and does Josty get a plus
one for talking with a gag in his mouth? Yeah? Or should have
an advantage on that strength check? And uh I will I will point out
all of the guards are facing you with weapons. They are on the ready.
M h, well, I mean, what are they gonna do kill
us? It's kind of already wear this his headingche if. I would normally
offer last words condemned, but the heinousness of this these fifth has only taught
me that the last thing we need is them selling our ears with their final
words. I'm gonna point in the direction of her voice and then point at
my head and make the crazy emotion that is not what I wanted to sell
her your ears with. Everybody give me a perception check, all right?
Nineteen than Danieliver rolls a twelve jucer Rules of six cal rolls in nineteen.
Well, once again, everybody but jorcerer Um. You hear the sound of
galloping hoofsteps, um, and they seem to be getting louder. That is
the whole sess to destroy the roebucks. My recording has arrived and close the
mind to ejaculation. Oh not very give me a give me a concentration check.
Go um, give me, give me a contect. How fun can
I make away from sir in this scenario? Not far at all? No
good role. Finally seventeen for you, Yes, through his robes, your
ser manages to finish off as as cal you can't help it. In addition,
let's see her or stamps. Your your perception wasn't as high as the
others. And unfortunately the sound of hoof surfrience or hooves beating on the ground
is not enough to overcome the disturbing, dripping noise coming from next to you.
Speaking of overcome, no, that's you hear. Can you hit the
garden front of you with that? You hear the crowd gasp as heads start
to turn. Can you realize no? Unfortunately, as you noticed that,
messed figures have appeared on the rooftops. For a moment I thought I was
a frog again. His people have come for us. What do you mean
us? Just specifically out for us? Sure they ever wanted to kill me?
And then you see, uh, you see a man leading four large
warhorse draft horses come galloping your way. He too, also also wearing a
mask. Oh about time this uber fucking took forever shredder as he screams out,
stop this travesty of justice. Stop it in the name of the hooded
mask. Oh oh, my friend, we need to work on your pay
up. You prefer mister mask or hoodie or you're you can't do much.
I have been working on my pier one. One unlucky peasant gets gets trampled
as chaos erupts in the in the square. As the creatures on the rooftop
of which there are more who I totally forgot to put on, they start,
they start raining weapons down upon literally the rooftops are teeming with these masked
brigands as they start firing into the crowd. Um, it's poor orphans about
to lose another parent. I have as parents about to lose an orphan.
Yeah, don't worry, you probably won't survive. I'll say your previous your
previous perception checks are still are still good. Oh wonder if you don't see
shit? But the rest of you notice that though they appear to be raining
down on the crowd, appear to be acid flasks. Gosh, unfortunately you
didn't see where where widow Widow mac mackelson or Mackerelson and her her children worse.
You're not sure if they're hit, but several of the crowd are as
they're screaming as they're sizzling. The guards immediately encircle the like you know,
the High Council and try leading them away as the guards around you try to
step away and engage your benefactor. Chance up. It's like, quick,
get on your fools, it's our only chance. We are still chinned together.
Yes, yeah, Metallica Zam is gonna give the old thumbs up and
hop on. Yes, cattle's hopping on a horse. It seems much bettered
and being hanged. The horses are in tight formation, so I will need
a let's say a DC thirteen dexterity check to get on the horses. Everyone,
and it will be two to a okay, to a horse, so
it will be um. It will be a cow and Metallica Zam alphons and
joicerer and stand and whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. This time well cal
rolled a four. I have mounted Natural twenty as well, so the horse
I am as fucking far away from georser as possible. I love the idea
that you like acrobatically mounted this horse in like an effort to get away from
Orser and then geors are just in an equal display of grace, followed lands
Lands behind you, putting his arms around your Oh my, all right,
I'm gonna I'm gonna say metallicasan throw us. Oh, give me a deck
save to try to uh um, this will be a little harder because you
don't have a lot of reach. Let's say fourteen DC. No, all
right, everybody's on the horse except for you. Cal as Uh, Cal's
gotta run alongside well sadly, m left, sadly the well. No,
you're chained everybody. No, no, no, that's not an option,
buddy. This guy yells yeah, as the horses begin galloping, and uh,
you've probably gotta they gotta get up to speed. Can I try again?
I don't think you're gonna have a choice again, And I'm gonna give
you this one. I'm gonna give you one more try, and this will
be a DC sixteen. All right, there we go. That's hard.
That's an eleven. Never mind, all right. Did you ever see the
scene from the National Lampoon's Vacation with with this dog in the trailer? Well,
fortunately it's it's not as bad as that. But you're hanging on.
Well, what basically happens to you is as the horses begin galloping out is
the same thing that happens to anybody who happens to be connected to a horse
but not in the saddle. Um, you are dragged to the point of
losing consciousness. I have no fear for I am stuck to Alphons buy more
than change? Can I also consciousness? Pretty please? I will say,
since there is this is a wild gallop, I will need one more deck,
save from everybody to stay on. But but those of you who are
seated in the saddle, um, this will be just the thirteen. I'm
assuming I don't need to roll. Oh my god, I seemed pretty attached
to this new horse. Nope, alphalls right, the fuck off we are.
We're all going off, fucking metallians got twelve. Wait, who's in
the side, Who's in what? No one, No one's in any stiddle.
Yeah, it probably doesn't matter what you roll, Dorcerer, because the
other four of us are off the horses in your tie toss natural twenty natural,
that's my boy. Well it was a nice rescue attempt as you all
you all go tumbling off the horse. However, thinking quick. The pudded
masks steps in front of you, Metallic Zam, and he's like, this
isn't gonna be pleasant, but you'll survive as he ties quickly ties a rope
around your your manacles, hops back on his horse and says, oh no,
as you are all dragged out of town. Somehow more fitting that that
was our exit, the dice decide to a man, we all fucking went
tumbling off that. I'm glad I had that wink beforehand. I'm just kind
of hoping that being dragged and scraped across cobblestones wipes the chorcerer off of me.
You can never wipe the joc off. Yeah, it could be worse.
You're at least up up wind of Jorcer or whatever slime or trail Jorcer
is leaving behind. Stands going, oh that is never coming out of that
mustache. Dude, thankfully unconscious? It is point Thankfully unconscious might be the
salty bastards on official catch for Yes, for you stand the road to Hell
isn't paved, it's greased, invented the slipping slide. I love the image
of just all of us getting pulled out Metallic because I'm bouncing and sending up
sparks and georger, just leaving a faint state on the fucking cobblestone is inflammable.
The last thing any of you and any of Jesus, the last thing
any of you notice before falling, falling blissfully, painfully unconscious, is leaving
the town, the town proper, the harsh, the harsh scrape of of
cobblestones turning into the slightly less but still harsh scrape of grass and rocks,
delightful comparative luxury. And I will leave you with with this. So now
we retreat, we would gather our strength, and then we come burn this
fucking down to the ground. Considering you're considering your adventures, as you start
to come come to you, you realize two things. You've all oddly enough
feel stronger now, um, almost as if you've gone up a level.
And we we deserve this. You hear the sound of loud riveting all around
you. Fuck, and I think I think we'll leave. We'll leave it
there until the next salty bastards. That was a good rosie. The ribiter
out of the frying pan into the no No frying pan is where the frog
legs go oh man, all right, so level five, So level five
when next, when next we meet? Oh man, that's that's such a
good one for fucking spellcasters. Yeah, that gets you level three spells,
that I mean, but that's when you get your your can trip bonus damage
bump. So all of my can trip spells. Just grabbed an extra dye
so you can burn ship with fire bolt more quickly. Indeed, I'm gonna
try something a bit unusual and lean into stands folklore hero aspects and try and
multi class as a bot. So the gouts, Yeah, you're not sure.
You're not sure if it was the fight with the guards, they're like,
you know, the execution or fighting against the ground, being dragged out
of town. But something was the catalyst that pushed that pushed you up.
Hey, it's a whole experience. For a second, I thought you were
talking to Stay specifically, was begging for your life, figuring as a lot
of a lot of bodic actions in my in this round. Oh dope,
I get I get my extra attack that I get my extra attack at level
five, and I get um shit, I get three more smites, I
get an extra attack and stunning strike. I role played my MAUI class quite
well. Absolutely, just when you'll take that first level in Barred, get
a fucking healing spell? Oh, inevitably things, there's no one. No
one tried to heal anyone in a less rout until her. I'm not relying
when you fuck us for anything. I had a plan, Now you didn't.
I mean to be fair, I'm the one with the best healing spells
and I got knocked the fuck out before I got an action this game,
So that's true. That didn't help on the healing front. Literally, the
only action I performed was flipping off an orphan. You got stabbed into metallic
cup by an old lady. All right, I can cope. You guys
had had fun. Yeah, that was cool. That was bast gives you
out there listening, Thanks for thanks for tuning in. And I just will
say this episode brought to you in memoriam of old leg macrelsum sony uh may
he rest in peace, goodbye bye. I Like Authors and Dragons, is
brought to under a Creative Commons license, meaning you were free to share this
conterium so long as credit is given to those who created it, which is
us, the people you just heard to play the game opening and closing themes
performed by the Gore Core four. The post stupid Boy in his post stupid offense