WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.280 --> 00:00:05.919 You're listening to kaf I Am six forty on demand. Kaf I Am six 2 00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:09.759 forty. You are listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. This is the Doctor Wendy 3 00:00:09.759 --> 00:00:13.759 Walls Show. Welcome to the show. Okay, sit back, because for 4 00:00:13.800 --> 00:00:17.320 the next two hours I want to talk about your love life. You know, 5 00:00:17.399 --> 00:00:21.280 it's something really interesting. I've producer Kayla with me right now. Kayla, 6 00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:24.679 do you find that when you tell people you work on the Doctor Wendy 7 00:00:24.719 --> 00:00:28.679 Walls Show, do they often say, oh, she talks about sex. 8 00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:31.519 Do you get that lot? Yeah? I do. And it's so weird 9 00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:35.520 because only every once in a while do I talk about sex. I'm not 10 00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:39.200 a sex therapist. I'm not a sexologist. I haven't have a PhD in 11 00:00:39.240 --> 00:00:43.640 clinical psychology. I've written a few books on relationships, but I rarely talk 12 00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:48.759 about sex unless it's in the context of relationship skills, like when is the 13 00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:52.679 right time in a relationship to have sex for the first time, well after 14 00:00:52.719 --> 00:00:57.159 you've built trust. But I don't give plumbing tips. I don't know why 15 00:00:57.280 --> 00:01:00.960 people always you know what. I actually ran in to Mark Thompson in the 16 00:01:00.960 --> 00:01:03.439 hall and he said to me, I love your show. I listen to 17 00:01:03.479 --> 00:01:06.719 it all the time, but I don't listen to it with my girlfriend because 18 00:01:06.719 --> 00:01:10.799 of all that talk of masturbation. Why do I talk a lot of masturbation. 19 00:01:10.920 --> 00:01:12.560 I don't think you've ever talked about masturbation on the show. Okay, 20 00:01:12.599 --> 00:01:15.280 so if you're new to the show, I talk about the science of love. 21 00:01:15.519 --> 00:01:19.560 Yeah, the biological those are the neurochemicals that may help you fall in 22 00:01:19.560 --> 00:01:23.799 love or keep in love, and also the psychological and the social peace. 23 00:01:23.319 --> 00:01:26.840 That's what I talk about. Do you know why I talk about it? 24 00:01:26.959 --> 00:01:34.359 Because love is super good for your health. Love is amazing for your physical 25 00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:40.159 and your mental health. There has been study after study that has found that 26 00:01:40.280 --> 00:01:46.120 people who are married report higher levels of happiness, they live longer, they 27 00:01:46.280 --> 00:01:51.519 drink less alcohol than their unmarried counterparts. Okay, now I know now you're 28 00:01:51.560 --> 00:01:53.640 thinking, oh, Sushi thinks that everybody needs to get married. I don't 29 00:01:53.680 --> 00:01:59.079 necessarily think that we need this institution of patriarchy. But there are ways to 30 00:01:59.120 --> 00:02:02.959 get the health been fits of married people. And mostly it's about consistency. 31 00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:07.959 So if you listen to me for a few years, you know, or 32 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:10.759 if you've written my books, that written my books, you might have written 33 00:02:10.800 --> 00:02:15.240 my books. You might have written a anecdotal story that appeared in my books 34 00:02:15.240 --> 00:02:20.879 somewhere. No, if you've read my books, you know that I spent 35 00:02:21.280 --> 00:02:25.680 a lot of years with a dysfunctional attachment style. It was only after years 36 00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:30.879 and years of work with a licensed clinical therapist where I learned how to calm 37 00:02:30.919 --> 00:02:38.280 down my anxious attachment style. How I learned how to be attracted to somebody 38 00:02:38.360 --> 00:02:45.639 who has a secure attachment style. My favorite metaphor for the stages of growth 39 00:02:45.840 --> 00:02:50.319 as we grow internally is this. Imagine your dysfunction, and we all have 40 00:02:50.360 --> 00:02:53.360 dysfunctions. Is a hole in the street. You're walking down the street, 41 00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:58.000 you don't see the whole, You fall in. Okay, Eventually you go 42 00:02:58.039 --> 00:03:00.280 to therapy and the therapist says, you know, this could be your problem. 43 00:03:00.319 --> 00:03:04.000 So now you're walking down the street or going through a dating app, 44 00:03:04.319 --> 00:03:07.800 and now you see that hole, You recognize that hole, and you fall 45 00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:13.840 in it again. The third stage is now you've grown a little bit more, 46 00:03:13.960 --> 00:03:17.000 you have better awareness, better self control, able to manage your emotions. 47 00:03:17.280 --> 00:03:21.879 You walk down that street, you see that hole, you recognize it. 48 00:03:21.960 --> 00:03:23.879 The player, the player chick, the person who's going to break your 49 00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:29.879 heart, etc. And you very carefully walk around that hole. That's stage 50 00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:34.879 three. Stage four is you take a different street. And I feel like 51 00:03:34.960 --> 00:03:38.599 I did that with my relationship with Julio. I've been with Julio for three 52 00:03:38.680 --> 00:03:44.680 years now, and it's just a different relationship because he's a kind caregiver and 53 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:53.520 I'm used to these kind of stone wall avoidant alpha guys who aren't warm and 54 00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:57.280 fuzzy, and now I got warm and cuddly and fuzzy. But I learned 55 00:03:57.319 --> 00:04:02.080 to take a different street. And here's how I will describe how I feel 56 00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:04.759 now, and this is why I know my health must be better. I 57 00:04:04.840 --> 00:04:09.960 just feel calm, I feel at peace. I'm not worried if he's going 58 00:04:10.039 --> 00:04:12.039 to call me back, or he's going to show up, or can I 59 00:04:12.080 --> 00:04:16.439 trust him? Right? So research also shows I mentioned that he's a cuddler, 60 00:04:17.480 --> 00:04:24.639 that hugs and hand holding actually can lower your blood pressure because they increase 61 00:04:24.680 --> 00:04:30.079 the hormone oxytocin and it lowers the stress hormones in your body. So being 62 00:04:30.519 --> 00:04:34.040 a being in a good, healthy relationship now, I do want to say, 63 00:04:34.240 --> 00:04:39.240 being in a toxic relationship, even if you're married, you're not going 64 00:04:39.319 --> 00:04:43.360 to get the health benefits. If you're walking around on eggshells because you're always 65 00:04:43.360 --> 00:04:47.079 worried that the person's going to jump at you for something or get angry with 66 00:04:47.120 --> 00:04:50.519 you for something, or if you don't have a voice, if you have 67 00:04:50.639 --> 00:04:56.199 true opinions and feelings that aren't welcome in your relationship, or god forbid, 68 00:04:56.279 --> 00:05:00.680 you're actually experiencing some kind of emotional or physical abuse. That kind of marriage 69 00:05:01.000 --> 00:05:09.399 does not actually improve your health. But there are studies the show that happily 70 00:05:09.480 --> 00:05:14.279 married people are happily living together people. People in happy, consistent, supportive 71 00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:19.279 relationships actually have lower rates of blood pressure, They have lower rates of heart 72 00:05:19.279 --> 00:05:27.480 disease and diabetes and everything. We know also that health habits are highly contagious 73 00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:31.879 within relationships. I actually know a woman who has an obese husband, and 74 00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:36.560 I mean this with love, who carries around with him to social events in 75 00:05:36.600 --> 00:05:41.759 case they won't be available. Pocket meat, as we call it, pocket 76 00:05:41.759 --> 00:05:45.199 meat. He's always got meat in his pocket. Well, it's wrapped in 77 00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:48.199 plastic and it's usually preserved. Like I don't know, those those sticks of 78 00:05:48.279 --> 00:05:51.759 beef you buy at the at the convenience store, what are those things called 79 00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:56.120 beef jerkys or whatever, I don't this is not my diet. I don't 80 00:05:56.160 --> 00:05:59.600 know what these things are, sausages whatever. He's always got him in his 81 00:05:59.600 --> 00:06:05.439 pocket. Anyway, their children also overeat and suffer from OBEs. Remember OBEs 82 00:06:05.639 --> 00:06:10.800 is not a character flaw. It's a biopsychosocial event. Begins with a genetic 83 00:06:10.800 --> 00:06:15.519 predisposition and then a nasty food industry who puts addictive things into food, etc. 84 00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:23.279 Anyway, this mom managed to lose a hundred pounds while living with this 85 00:06:23.399 --> 00:06:30.000 family with mister pocket Meat because she didn't let the health habits become contagious any 86 00:06:30.040 --> 00:06:32.439 longer. So, if you are in a relationship with somebody who does not 87 00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:35.639 have positive health habits, it's going to be a long, hard road. 88 00:06:35.959 --> 00:06:40.759 On the other hand, dating someone who's healthy and fit and has positive health 89 00:06:40.800 --> 00:06:44.279 habits is the best thing for your health. Like I know a guy who 90 00:06:44.319 --> 00:06:47.439 met his wife. Specifically, he went searching on there's an app called like 91 00:06:47.879 --> 00:06:53.480 fit dating or fitness dating or something. He doesn't even work out, but 92 00:06:53.680 --> 00:06:57.319 he went there because he wanted a partner who would be healthy. Now he 93 00:06:57.319 --> 00:06:59.279 does work out. He built a gym in the house for them. She 94 00:06:59.360 --> 00:07:02.680 trains him right, She's like a trainer right anyway. So I just want 95 00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:06.519 to tell you that the reason why I am so obsessed with the science of 96 00:07:06.560 --> 00:07:13.160 love is because love is good for us. Good love, good relationship skills 97 00:07:13.399 --> 00:07:16.480 are good for our mental health and our physical health. When we come back, 98 00:07:17.000 --> 00:07:21.519 I have a question to pose to you. Why are these modern liberated 99 00:07:21.600 --> 00:07:30.680 women getting married in one of the oldest institutions of patriarchy marriage wedding and taking 100 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:33.879 their husband's last name. Let's break this down. When we come back. 101 00:07:34.240 --> 00:07:38.680 You are listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I AM six forty. 102 00:07:38.720 --> 00:07:43.639 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to kf I AM 103 00:07:43.680 --> 00:07:47.759 six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 104 00:07:47.959 --> 00:07:51.600 AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I want to 105 00:07:51.639 --> 00:07:56.560 talk about weddings and I want to talk about marriage. Actually, now that 106 00:07:56.600 --> 00:07:59.800 the pandemic is behind us, you probably went to a lot of weddings this 107 00:08:00.279 --> 00:08:03.560 It seems like that everybody seems to be getting married. And there are two 108 00:08:03.639 --> 00:08:07.800 times in our lives when we're most likely to tie the knot. Either when 109 00:08:07.879 --> 00:08:13.920 we're young and we're in our reproductive window. We know that marriage is still 110 00:08:13.959 --> 00:08:16.879 one of the best nests we have for children. You know, at some 111 00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:22.920 point, hopefully we will have childcare in every workplace, we will have more 112 00:08:22.680 --> 00:08:28.199 institutional governmental supports for single parents of all genders, and marriage will be less 113 00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:35.240 necessary. But when it comes to raising children, building that one economic nest 114 00:08:35.279 --> 00:08:41.279 where two people pour their resources into offspring that show up actually is still, 115 00:08:41.519 --> 00:08:46.559 according to research, the best we can do for kids. I happen to 116 00:08:46.600 --> 00:08:50.679 have had my kids out of wedlock, so I speak from experience. The 117 00:08:50.759 --> 00:08:56.399 research is very clear that children of single parents, or the parents themselves suffer 118 00:08:56.440 --> 00:09:00.919 more mental and physical health issues. The children tend to get lower grades, 119 00:09:01.720 --> 00:09:05.799 earlier onset of sexual activity, more experimentation with drugs and alcohol, etc. 120 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:09.720 I'm just don't shoot the messenger. I'm just telling you what the data says. 121 00:09:09.080 --> 00:09:13.039 And so I worked very hard to be a mother and a father and 122 00:09:13.080 --> 00:09:16.440 a caregiver and a protector and a provider and a nurturer. And I would 123 00:09:16.480 --> 00:09:20.399 say that probably my health suffered as a result of it, because I worked 124 00:09:20.440 --> 00:09:26.279 so hard to put my kids first. But anyway, more and more women 125 00:09:26.440 --> 00:09:31.600 are entering into a traditional marriage full on with the wedding. Now, weddings 126 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:37.000 have gotten bigger and bigger and bigger over the decades. When my own parents 127 00:09:37.039 --> 00:09:45.240 got married in nineteen sixty, they got married in a small church ceremony with 128 00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:48.519 friends and family, and they went back to my grandmother's house and in the 129 00:09:48.559 --> 00:09:52.440 dining room posed for pictures and had some cake and tea like that was it. 130 00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:56.840 My mother was in a beautiful white wedding gown. It was a Catholic 131 00:09:56.840 --> 00:10:03.399 wedding, but it wasn't today's giant show or the destination wedding that It's like 132 00:10:03.440 --> 00:10:07.879 a Hindu wedding that goes over three or four days. I can't believe the 133 00:10:07.919 --> 00:10:13.639 money people are spending. My theory is that people think the more public they 134 00:10:13.679 --> 00:10:18.919 make it, the more eyes that are on it, the more they sacrifice 135 00:10:18.039 --> 00:10:22.120 economically to make it happen, the more it'll have to stick, right I 136 00:10:22.159 --> 00:10:26.960 think. I think they think that everyone's looking, so we have to make 137 00:10:26.960 --> 00:10:33.240 this work out. It's not necessarily true. What I find interesting is that 138 00:10:33.399 --> 00:10:39.440 so many so called feminist women with careers are still taking their husband's last name. 139 00:10:41.080 --> 00:10:43.919 Kayla. When you get married, do you plan on taking your man's 140 00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:48.759 last name. I always felt like I wanted him to kind of take mine. 141 00:10:48.200 --> 00:10:52.279 Yeah, that's a great idea. The older I'm open to it'll see. 142 00:10:52.759 --> 00:10:56.159 And if you did, what would be the reason that you would take 143 00:10:56.600 --> 00:11:00.320 another man? You would get rid of half your identity. I would I 144 00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:03.679 would definitely hyphenate. But I think it's kind of a unifying thing that way. 145 00:11:03.720 --> 00:11:05.360 Our children are. You know, they have our name, he has. 146 00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:07.960 It's a it's a unifying family. Okay, And so then let me 147 00:11:09.000 --> 00:11:13.200 ask the next question, because you're actually reflecting the research that I'm about to 148 00:11:13.200 --> 00:11:16.799 explain. Yeah, why would you want your children to have his name? 149 00:11:16.120 --> 00:11:24.000 Does he own them? There is two they're yours. Yeah, that's what 150 00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:26.879 I did with Yeah, yeah, mine have both our names. I said, 151 00:11:26.200 --> 00:11:31.320 anything that comes out of me that I manufactured is going to get my 152 00:11:31.960 --> 00:11:33.679 stamp on it, my name on it, especially after what you have to 153 00:11:33.679 --> 00:11:39.480 go through it again him here exactly. So here's what the research says that 154 00:11:41.240 --> 00:11:46.600 this whole bridal tradition of a woman taking a husband's name remains very, very 155 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:50.679 strong. This is research, according to the Pew Research Center, among women 156 00:11:50.720 --> 00:11:56.440 in opposite sex marriages in the United States, four and five change their name 157 00:11:56.639 --> 00:12:01.279 in the last few years. This is recently, and believe it or not, 158 00:12:01.759 --> 00:12:05.799 hyphenated names are less common. So the idea of taking of not changing 159 00:12:05.799 --> 00:12:11.360 your name or taking a hyphenated name actually started in the very late seventies and 160 00:12:11.480 --> 00:12:16.320 gained steam in the early eighties, but it never picked up from like one 161 00:12:16.320 --> 00:12:20.679 out of five, right, it never cruised past that. Now, if 162 00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:24.279 you've listened to me, you know that when I was twenty one, I 163 00:12:24.279 --> 00:12:28.799 had a big, white Catholic wedding for my mother. Literally, I remember 164 00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:31.799 being in my wedding dress getting ready and the bridesmaids there in the back room, 165 00:12:31.840 --> 00:12:33.720 and I kept saying, Oh my god, I feel so stupid. 166 00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:37.159 I feel so stupid. Isn't that funny? I kept saying that I feel 167 00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:39.320 so stupid, and they're like, no, you look beautiful, Like I 168 00:12:39.320 --> 00:12:43.360 feel so stupid. So I so didn't support this, but I didn't know. 169 00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:46.799 I wasn't aware. This is all in my unconscious that I never booked 170 00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:50.600 a professional photographer. Oh no, I think I did, but I never 171 00:12:50.720 --> 00:12:56.519 ordered one of those fancy hardcover wedding albums. And then after months after the 172 00:12:56.559 --> 00:13:01.200 wedding, my mother had put one together professionally paid some dollars for it and 173 00:13:01.360 --> 00:13:03.960 sent it to me as a gift, or maybe it was a first anniversary 174 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:07.840 gift. Do you know where that wedding album is now? I have no 175 00:13:07.919 --> 00:13:13.120 idea it's gone. I probably tossed it at some point. I cared so 176 00:13:13.240 --> 00:13:16.000 little about this because I knew I wasn't getting married for me. I was 177 00:13:16.039 --> 00:13:20.639 getting married because of the pressure from my mother. So that's what I will 178 00:13:20.679 --> 00:13:24.799 attribute to the fact that I did not take his last name, no hyphenated, 179 00:13:24.840 --> 00:13:28.879 no nothing. My feeling was, my name is Wendy Walsh. My 180 00:13:28.960 --> 00:13:31.799 name is always going to be Wendy Walsh. It also bothered me that the 181 00:13:31.840 --> 00:13:35.879 big security password for all the banks is what is your mother's maiden name? 182 00:13:35.159 --> 00:13:41.559 Like a woman's identity is so deeply lost that now it's a security password. 183 00:13:41.039 --> 00:13:48.320 Okay, Like she doesn't even exist except a security password. So I would 184 00:13:48.360 --> 00:13:52.919 hope that my daughter. So my daughter's got double barreled. My older one 185 00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:56.399 ended up taking my name. She has my last name that she uses. 186 00:13:56.919 --> 00:14:00.200 The younger one uses her dad's last name. They could do whatever they want, 187 00:14:00.279 --> 00:14:03.320 right, whatever they want doesn't matter to me. But that is the 188 00:14:03.399 --> 00:14:07.480 number one reason that women say the most feminist women out there that they want 189 00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:11.559 to have the same last name as their kids. So why can't we just 190 00:14:11.000 --> 00:14:15.600 name our kids both names, or why can't we take each other's name? 191 00:14:15.759 --> 00:14:18.840 Wouldn't that be funny if I took Julio's last name and he took mine. 192 00:14:18.879 --> 00:14:22.240 He said he'd be open to that. There is a divide politically, by 193 00:14:22.279 --> 00:14:28.559 the way, among conservative Republican women, ninety percent, according to the Pew 194 00:14:28.600 --> 00:14:33.360 Research study, took their husband's name, compared with sixty six percent of liberal 195 00:14:33.399 --> 00:14:37.879 Democrats. Also, the more educated a woman is, the more likely she 196 00:14:37.080 --> 00:14:39.840 is to keep her name. When you want to keep the name that's on 197 00:14:39.840 --> 00:14:45.240 your diploma, I don't know. But then there are other women who are 198 00:14:45.279 --> 00:14:48.879 surging ahead, making money and doing the traditional thing. Like j Lo she 199 00:14:50.080 --> 00:14:54.240 is missus Affleck after she has made a name for herself. She's taken his 200 00:14:54.360 --> 00:14:58.679 name. Anyway, do whatever you want, ladies. But I know you 201 00:14:58.720 --> 00:15:01.480 can argue with me, well, if you keep your own name, that's 202 00:15:01.519 --> 00:15:05.519 actually your father's name. So it's still patriarchy, I know. But when 203 00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:07.240 are we going to end it? When are we going to end the patriarchy? 204 00:15:07.399 --> 00:15:11.200 That's what I'm saying. I just want to pose the question, Hey, 205 00:15:11.320 --> 00:15:13.960 maybe you did get married, maybe you have a new baby, maybe 206 00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:18.919 you're a first time father. I want to talk to you when we come 207 00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:22.679 back. I know things are tough, now they're going to get better. 208 00:15:22.279 --> 00:15:28.200 You're listening to KFI AM sixty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy 209 00:15:28.200 --> 00:15:31.519 Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 210 00:15:33.080 --> 00:15:37.600 You know, I had children at the eleventh hour of my fertility window. 211 00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:41.799 I had my two babies at the age of thirty six and forty one, 212 00:15:43.039 --> 00:15:46.000 and I like to say I pretty much took the last man standing. 213 00:15:46.279 --> 00:15:48.080 He was a non smoking, no drinking vegetarian. I said, you're good 214 00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:52.639 enough, come on in, and we got pregnant very quickly in our dating 215 00:15:52.639 --> 00:15:58.480 life. Again, I do not suggest that you follow my steps, that 216 00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:04.159 you follow hello my path in life. I learned experientially what not to do. 217 00:16:04.440 --> 00:16:11.480 Okay, So actually I became pregnant eight weeks into dating, and so 218 00:16:11.799 --> 00:16:14.840 we decided he was forty, I was thirty five. It's like, let's 219 00:16:14.840 --> 00:16:18.600 just do this. He moves in with me. So we had to weather 220 00:16:19.559 --> 00:16:23.279 all the bumps that come with the first year of dating. The first year 221 00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:27.519 of living together, and the first pregnancy all at the same time, so 222 00:16:27.639 --> 00:16:33.440 you can imagine the stress we were under. After I had my first baby, 223 00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:37.240 I was very lonely because I learned that all your career women friends show 224 00:16:37.320 --> 00:16:40.480 up for the baby shower or a quick little visit. They bring a filly, 225 00:16:40.559 --> 00:16:44.720 little pink dress, and then they go back the clubs, and so 226 00:16:44.759 --> 00:16:48.879 it was a very very lonely time. It's a time of finding your identity 227 00:16:48.919 --> 00:16:52.639 as a mother, giving birth to a mother really in that year, and 228 00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:56.440 trying to find a village. And I joined every kind of mother group that 229 00:16:56.480 --> 00:17:02.519 you possibly could. You know, I actually eventually found a toddler nursing group 230 00:17:02.799 --> 00:17:06.680 because everyone had weaned their babies and we're back to work and I was still 231 00:17:06.680 --> 00:17:10.119 breastfeeding. I ended up breastfeeding each of my kids for three years. And 232 00:17:10.279 --> 00:17:15.440 at a toddler breastfeeding support group, do you know who was there? Hippies. 233 00:17:15.680 --> 00:17:18.880 There were women with either I used to say, either short short gray 234 00:17:18.880 --> 00:17:22.319 hair or long gray hair down to their butt. There was no other hairstyle. 235 00:17:22.279 --> 00:17:25.960 But they were great and they helped me keep it up, and it 236 00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:29.440 was wonderful because there's different issues. However, one of the mom groups I 237 00:17:29.480 --> 00:17:30.759 went to, I can't remember what it was called. I had some funny 238 00:17:30.759 --> 00:17:34.720 little acronym, but it was supposed to be a support group for new moms, 239 00:17:34.759 --> 00:17:41.000 and they had a very clear rule meeting number one, you cannot bash 240 00:17:41.160 --> 00:17:48.880 your baby's father, because apparently these groups had spiraled down into a just whining 241 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:53.240 session about how little the men participated and how they were off at the gym 242 00:17:53.240 --> 00:17:56.920 and having fun and at work, and these women were lonely and isolated, 243 00:17:57.240 --> 00:18:03.000 and how they know we're pressuring them to have sex that they didn't want, 244 00:18:03.279 --> 00:18:07.440 and they were just grumpy and it was terrible. So I thought that was 245 00:18:07.559 --> 00:18:11.799 really interesting that I wasn't the only one experiencing a grumpy man in the house. 246 00:18:12.480 --> 00:18:15.880 Well, now there's research to support what so many women go through. 247 00:18:17.480 --> 00:18:23.160 This was a study that followed men a longitudinal study from twenty seventeen to twenty 248 00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:30.559 twenty. They followed five hundred first time fathers and one hundred and six second 249 00:18:30.599 --> 00:18:34.319 time fathers expecting their second child, and they compared They looked at they collected 250 00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:38.119 data on how old they were, how educated they were, what their income 251 00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:45.720 was, their relationship duration, the child's biological sex, the child's temperament, 252 00:18:45.799 --> 00:18:48.839 because sometimes there are difficult babies. They cry a lot, and they're more 253 00:18:48.880 --> 00:18:52.720 stressful in a relationship. And what they wanted to do is look at what 254 00:18:52.880 --> 00:18:59.519 happens postpartum to men compared to what often happens postpartum to women. We know 255 00:18:59.640 --> 00:19:04.880 about that. There's lots of research on the postpartum experience of mothers. And 256 00:19:06.039 --> 00:19:11.559 even if you don't have a clinical postpartum depression, there is culture shock. 257 00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:15.759 I like to say there can be two men in a relationship until a mother 258 00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:18.640 enters the room, meaning that when a woman, women can be totally equal 259 00:19:18.680 --> 00:19:22.720 to men career wise. Well, we don't know seventy seven cents on your 260 00:19:22.759 --> 00:19:27.079 dollar, but you know, for the most part, until the needs of 261 00:19:27.119 --> 00:19:32.440 a mother step into the relationship and all of a sudden, women are like, 262 00:19:32.480 --> 00:19:34.039 wait, what, I'm supposed to go to work, I'm supposed to 263 00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:37.319 look good. I've been up all night, I got two bleeding nipples, 264 00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:38.640 I got into psotomy that's trying to heal, and you want me to have 265 00:19:38.680 --> 00:19:41.759 sex with you, Like it is just a shock. Your bodies are just 266 00:19:41.920 --> 00:19:48.000 overwhelmed with what happens. So there's been tons of research on that But what 267 00:19:48.200 --> 00:19:52.640 they found when they started looking at first time fathers is that having a child 268 00:19:53.200 --> 00:20:00.759 was associated with a big relationship decline in satisfaction. First of all, both 269 00:20:00.839 --> 00:20:04.039 first and second time fathers, but the first time fathers took the biggest hit. 270 00:20:04.359 --> 00:20:11.240 The first time fathers showed the highest level of relationship satisfaction before birth and 271 00:20:11.279 --> 00:20:18.160 then the biggest dive afterwards. At eight weeks postpartum, first time fathers reported 272 00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:25.000 much higher relationship dissatisfaction, and that continued up to fourteen months postpartum. Okay, 273 00:20:25.279 --> 00:20:30.839 let's stop and tear this apart and analyze this data. Men, gentlemen, 274 00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:33.000 Okay, there are three of you in this love triangle now, and 275 00:20:33.039 --> 00:20:37.319 that baby comes first to her. You know, if you're on a sinking 276 00:20:37.359 --> 00:20:40.359 ship and there's a lifeboat and there's only one seat in it, and she's 277 00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:44.839 choosing you, or you're shooting your genes into the future, she's going to 278 00:20:44.880 --> 00:20:48.440 grab that baby, okay, and save it. I want you to reframe 279 00:20:48.839 --> 00:20:53.839 your I'm feeling abandoned by her into look at that. She's caring for another 280 00:20:53.880 --> 00:21:00.200 part of me, my jenes right, reframe it. She's taking care of 281 00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:03.640 you. Now. As far as the sex thing, comes. You should 282 00:21:03.640 --> 00:21:07.000 know that long term monogamy is filled with phases and stages, and there is 283 00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:11.799 a time after birth when women's hormones go way down, especially when they're breastfeeding. 284 00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:15.200 In fact, I was dry as a desert. It was a bad 285 00:21:15.240 --> 00:21:18.400 scene. It was painful. No, it was terrible, Kayla, you're 286 00:21:18.440 --> 00:21:22.880 laughing at me. It was terrible. It hurt. So you're going to 287 00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:26.200 have to be creative. You're gonna have to find other things to do, 288 00:21:26.480 --> 00:21:27.960 other places to do it. No, no, not other women. Stop 289 00:21:29.039 --> 00:21:32.880 stop, I mean the shower whatever. Maybe Mark Thompson was right, Kayla. 290 00:21:33.839 --> 00:21:36.920 Maybe he was right. I think he was. Doctor. He said, 291 00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:38.960 I talk about masturbation. I never do, And here I am in 292 00:21:40.039 --> 00:21:45.599 the shower. In the shower. Anyway. Here's the other interesting thing about 293 00:21:45.640 --> 00:21:49.400 this data. The study found no other association between that other stuff I talked 294 00:21:49.400 --> 00:21:53.880 about, age, income, except you know all that, the attitude of 295 00:21:53.880 --> 00:21:59.640 the baby, the disposition of the baby. None of that mattered except one 296 00:21:59.759 --> 00:22:04.599 thing, relationship duration. So you would think that if couples had been in 297 00:22:04.640 --> 00:22:10.160 the long stable relationship before the birth of the first baby, that they would 298 00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:14.920 report less of a relationship decline. But the research showed the opposite. The 299 00:22:15.079 --> 00:22:21.039 longer their relationship had been before the birth of the first baby, the deeper 300 00:22:21.119 --> 00:22:25.039 the dive in their relationship satisfaction. Let's think about it. They got set 301 00:22:25.079 --> 00:22:26.119 in their ways. They thought it was going to be like this forever. 302 00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:30.039 When you're in a new relationship, it's change all the time. First you're 303 00:22:30.119 --> 00:22:32.480 dating, and then maybe you're living together, and then you get engaged, 304 00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:33.920 and then you're married, and then there's a pregnancy, and oh, there's 305 00:22:33.960 --> 00:22:37.400 so much new stuff all the time. You eventually adapt. But if you've 306 00:22:37.400 --> 00:22:41.880 been in a long relationship and then the baby shows up, get ready. 307 00:22:41.319 --> 00:22:45.880 It's a big life change. But I want to say this, their phases 308 00:22:45.960 --> 00:22:51.960 and stages and what you're doing now. Investing in your offspring has a tremendous 309 00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:57.039 amount of meaning. So gentlemen, grow the muscles of monogamy, grow the 310 00:22:57.079 --> 00:23:02.480 strength to weather it out. If your baby mama some love, help her 311 00:23:02.599 --> 00:23:06.559 out, because that's how you'll find happiness, not nagging and begging, and 312 00:23:06.680 --> 00:23:11.960 understand that she's giving to your genes. Your genes when we come back, 313 00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:15.559 you know, there are some myths about love that you might hold that can 314 00:23:15.599 --> 00:23:19.440 be killing your love life. I'll explain. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy 315 00:23:19.440 --> 00:23:23.319 Walls Show and kf I Am six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio 316 00:23:23.359 --> 00:23:30.400 app. You're listening to kf I AM sixty on demand. Welcome back to 317 00:23:30.440 --> 00:23:33.920 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I Am six forty. I am obsessed 318 00:23:33.960 --> 00:23:38.880 with the science of love because it took me a whole lifetime to actually learn 319 00:23:38.960 --> 00:23:42.759 this stuff. You know, love isn't about lucke. Love is about skills, 320 00:23:44.119 --> 00:23:47.519 and you can learn these skills at any stage of your life span and 321 00:23:47.559 --> 00:23:51.640 in any stage of the relationship you're in. And when I was young, 322 00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:57.240 I believed so much nonsense about love that people still believe, like there's a 323 00:23:57.319 --> 00:24:03.160 soulmate out there. I really believe there's one for me. It's a soulmate. 324 00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:07.200 Maybe I'll meet my soulmate. No, this is playing into the whole 325 00:24:07.400 --> 00:24:11.200 Love is all about luck. I will hear people say sometimes, you know, 326 00:24:11.240 --> 00:24:15.000 if it happens for me, it doesn't happen. You make it happen. 327 00:24:15.400 --> 00:24:19.359 You use human mating strategies. You get yourself all ready to be out 328 00:24:19.359 --> 00:24:22.559 there on the mating marketplace, and you get on those apps and you go 329 00:24:22.559 --> 00:24:26.680 on those dates and you make it happen. Those are the people who get 330 00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:30.880 married. And in fact, it is the women who know how to negotiate 331 00:24:30.960 --> 00:24:36.200 commitment who get married. Believe me, there are no grooms magazines. Okay, 332 00:24:36.559 --> 00:24:40.559 Guys don't spend their whole life dreaming about the tuxedo they're gonna wear walking 333 00:24:40.599 --> 00:24:45.079 down the aisle. Every guy on the planet, in the back of his 334 00:24:45.200 --> 00:24:49.359 brain, thinks that he's going to have a nice, stable girlfriend or wife 335 00:24:49.440 --> 00:24:55.079 or somebody at home and then be a freeman. Elsewise, No, you 336 00:24:55.160 --> 00:24:59.119 have to snag him, nail him down, make him feel like there's no 337 00:24:59.200 --> 00:25:03.200 better deal for you. I know I sound very sexist, but this is 338 00:25:03.319 --> 00:25:07.319 evolutionary psychology. Women are more relational, Women tend to have more. They 339 00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:11.640 hold the keys to the emotional locker. Men fall in love faster, but 340 00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:15.759 they don't say I love you faster, and they also don't ask for commitment 341 00:25:15.799 --> 00:25:18.559 faster. And if you never ask for commitment, if you never negotiate commitment, 342 00:25:18.640 --> 00:25:22.359 you're never going to get it. Okay, So it's not coming from 343 00:25:22.400 --> 00:25:26.000 him, he's you know, definitely. Can you imagine that, Kayla, 344 00:25:26.039 --> 00:25:27.720 Is there a guy out there going I can't wait to meet my wife. 345 00:25:27.759 --> 00:25:30.759 I just want to meet my wife. We could be so lucky. Yeah, 346 00:25:30.759 --> 00:25:34.960 maybe maybe she'll marry me. In the movies maybe, but not in 347 00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:37.640 real life. They want to keep you and they want to have side action 348 00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:42.000 because you never ask for commitment. That's what happens anyway. That's one myth 349 00:25:42.440 --> 00:25:48.039 that there's a soul made out there. The truth is, if you have 350 00:25:48.160 --> 00:25:52.839 good relationship skills, then you will find there are many, many, many 351 00:25:52.920 --> 00:26:00.160 appropriate mates, and also you will be attractive to many more people because you 352 00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:06.000 have good relationship skills. So learning those relationship skills about being open, honest, 353 00:26:06.119 --> 00:26:10.000 vulnerable, being able to deal with conflict, etc. So let's talk 354 00:26:10.240 --> 00:26:15.519 about three myths that are very common, very very common. The people still 355 00:26:15.559 --> 00:26:18.880 believe they could be ruining their love life. This was actually comes from a 356 00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:23.119 research study published in the Family Journal, so it's a peer reviewed academic journal. 357 00:26:23.759 --> 00:26:26.000 I can't remember how many hundreds of people they interviewed for this, but 358 00:26:26.039 --> 00:26:32.400 here's what they found out. The number one belief the belief that disagreements, 359 00:26:32.440 --> 00:26:38.000 conflicts, fights, arguments, tips are bad for a relationship. If you 360 00:26:38.000 --> 00:26:44.440 have fights, it's a bad relationship. That is a myth. The research 361 00:26:44.559 --> 00:26:49.319 actually says the opposite. The people in the healthiest relationships have tiny little border 362 00:26:49.319 --> 00:26:53.519 skirmishes all the time, and they never have the big, blow it out 363 00:26:53.599 --> 00:27:00.720 giant fights because they haven't built up the pressure right, so having tiny little 364 00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:03.759 conflicts. Julio and I had one this morning over breakfast. It wasn't a 365 00:27:03.759 --> 00:27:08.240 big deal, but I was saying that I wanted to cut down on my 366 00:27:08.319 --> 00:27:12.319 acid reflux, and of the list of foods I mentioned, I mentioned coffee. 367 00:27:12.720 --> 00:27:15.759 So he just started nagging me at the breakfast table, like, why 368 00:27:15.759 --> 00:27:18.279 are you drinking coffee? You just told me last night they should be drinking 369 00:27:18.279 --> 00:27:22.039 so much coffee. And I looked at him and I said no. I 370 00:27:22.039 --> 00:27:23.880 said, I want to reduce my acid reflux, which means I shouldn't drink 371 00:27:23.880 --> 00:27:26.559 coffee before I lie down at night. I don't want it to come the 372 00:27:26.559 --> 00:27:30.519 acid to come back up first thing in the morning while I'm sitting up. 373 00:27:30.799 --> 00:27:33.920 I'd think I'm okay. Anyway, he was all I said, and don't 374 00:27:33.960 --> 00:27:37.720 nag me. I didn't say it like that. I said it really sweet, 375 00:27:37.759 --> 00:27:40.920 and honey, I really appreciate that you care about my health. It 376 00:27:40.920 --> 00:27:45.640 means a lot to me. But I perform better with positive rewards, like 377 00:27:45.680 --> 00:27:48.599 you're doing a great job instead of nagging me to change something. That's how 378 00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:52.599 I said it. I did because I learned my relationship skills in eighteen years 379 00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:59.240 of therapy. Anyway, that's how you do it. You do little tiny 380 00:27:59.240 --> 00:28:03.160 border skirm on a regular basis. You'll make that communication sandwich. You know, 381 00:28:03.160 --> 00:28:07.039 the communication sandwich starts out with a layer of love, following like I 382 00:28:07.119 --> 00:28:11.319 love that you care about my health, follow with a layer of something hard 383 00:28:11.319 --> 00:28:14.680 to chew on. But please don't nag me back to another layer of love 384 00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:17.680 because you know, because you remind me about my health, I'm going to 385 00:28:17.759 --> 00:28:18.920 live for a long time. We're gonna be together, and that's wonderful. 386 00:28:19.039 --> 00:28:23.119 Right, So, disagreements can be good for a relationship if they're the right 387 00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:29.279 kind of disagreements. Okay, myth number two. Oh so many people have 388 00:28:29.440 --> 00:28:33.839 this myth. They have a belief that in a healthy relationship, their partners 389 00:28:33.880 --> 00:28:40.680 should be able to read their mind. They say things like I shouldn't have 390 00:28:40.799 --> 00:28:45.799 to tell you, or you should know by now. Who are you talking 391 00:28:45.839 --> 00:28:48.960 to? An abandoning mother who was not connected to you as a toddler. 392 00:28:49.359 --> 00:28:53.440 She should have known, she didn't. Okay, but your wife she won't 393 00:28:53.440 --> 00:28:59.000 know unless you tell her. Right, you can't get mad at somebody for 394 00:28:59.119 --> 00:29:03.119 not doing something thing that you didn't give them direction to, right you have. 395 00:29:03.079 --> 00:29:06.720 They can't read their mind. There's no partner out there who can read 396 00:29:06.759 --> 00:29:11.400 your mind. That means you have to know your mind. You have to 397 00:29:11.440 --> 00:29:15.000 have insight into your own feelings. And step two, you have to be 398 00:29:15.079 --> 00:29:18.279 able to put those feelings into polite words. And usually when people are beginning 399 00:29:18.279 --> 00:29:22.279 to express their feelings for the first time, they say it in a snippy, 400 00:29:22.319 --> 00:29:25.200 defensive way because they're not used to it. But it's okay. You'll 401 00:29:25.200 --> 00:29:27.559 be able to say it kindly like I did to Julio today, all right. 402 00:29:27.640 --> 00:29:30.960 And the third thing is this idea. It aligns with the soul made 403 00:29:32.000 --> 00:29:36.799 idea, this idea that relationships are predestined, it was meant to be. 404 00:29:37.599 --> 00:29:40.799 No, it's not. It's a fluke that you even ran into each other 405 00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:44.039 on that dating app. Okay, it's a fluke. You're now going to 406 00:29:44.119 --> 00:29:47.920 put your mating strategy and your relationship skills to it, and you are going 407 00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:51.559 to grow a garden in this relationship. You're gonna water what you want to 408 00:29:51.599 --> 00:29:53.599 grow, not the weeds. That means, don't be a nagger with the 409 00:29:53.640 --> 00:29:59.400 negative stuff, and you're going to create your dream relationship. It's not predestined, 410 00:29:59.599 --> 00:30:03.599 isn't It happened? The Cupid didn't shoot a bow and arrow, the 411 00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:07.319 cosmos didn't come together. You created this, the two of you, by 412 00:30:07.319 --> 00:30:11.240 doing the work that you need to do, and I encourage you to do 413 00:30:11.319 --> 00:30:14.480 that work. All right. When we come back, I am going to 414 00:30:14.519 --> 00:30:18.519 be going to my social media because this week so many dms came in and 415 00:30:18.559 --> 00:30:22.839 there are some very fascinating questions that you guys have sent me, so I 416 00:30:22.839 --> 00:30:26.000 have got to answer them. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy Welsh Show 417 00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:33.400 on KFI AM six forty or live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM sixty on demand