You wanted monsters all slain by their betters, but you ain't seen nothing like
arts and letters. Look who has answered the cry of distress. Oops it's
all Bards. Oh what a mess. You think we're a joke, but
in truth we're all in. We fight like we learned it in books,
because we did. We all survived college with charisma. Impressive. Oops,
it's all Bards, and yes it's excessive. If you're still confused, we'll
explain to you. Thus there's nobody left. So that's why they call us.
We'll fight or we'll otherwise roll for successes. Oops, its are birds.
We hope that addresses all that you have to know to enjoy listening to
our all Bard parties sent off on a mission. Hell'll it go? Well,
we're sure you can guess. Oops, it's all bars. Hello one
Andrew Carrol. Hold you're Audi, Halt Bello, Sonamio, Blatwi hot Colonian
stumps, Salu bear College Clarie sour Claud's Palmadge, Hall ruckus doc go bananas.
Hello everyone, and welcome to the first episode of Oops, All Bards,
the actual play D and D podcast that does what it says on the
box, which is to say yes, you are about to hear a campaign
with an all bard party. If you're already a D and D player,
it's either your wildest dream or your worst nightmare. I apologize either way.
If you're not already a D and D player, I can only tell you
don't try this at home. I am your host and game master, Jillian
Ashley Blair IVY, but you're going to hear all of the fine folks around
the table refer to me as Jill and I've been playing D and D for
I think about six years now, largely with the folks who are in this
party. I got really into it though during the pandemic. I've run several
one shots, but because I am nothing if not ambitious, this is actually
my first time being a GM for a full campaign. And with that said,
I'd like to introduce you to the cast who decided to join me for
this wild ride. So let's start with Chris. Hi. I'm Chris Kleinecki,
I use him his pronouns, and I'm playing Pouchtin Ruckus. That's last
name, first name, so he goes by Rucus, a dog folk graduating
from the College of Stixon Stones, which is a repaint of the Bardic College
of Swords. I've been playing D and D for six years, not including
a first foray back in high school, and have been dming a continuous homebrew
campaign since early twenty nineteen, but this is my first time playing a Bard
as a player. Hi, I'm Anne Coleman. I use sheher pronouns.
I'll be playing Clarice Souer Cloud, who is a halfling Bard graduating from Talmadge
Hall, which is based loosely on the College of Whispers. I've been playing
D and D since January of twenty nineteen. Hi everyone, my name is
Ashley Banks pronounced she hear Hers. I am playing bell Sernamio, who is
an Asimar Bard graduating from Flatley Hall, which is a recoloring of the College
of Dance. I've been playing D and D for over a decade and very
excited to expose the larger world to all of my antics. I am Ross
Curry he Him. I'm playing Andrew Harrolhold also he Him Andreck is a Hobgoblin
graduating from Urate Hall. The build is based on the College of Tragedy Bard
from the Taldore Reborn campaign setting, and I've been playing D and D since
the Halcyon days of second edition for about twenty five years. I'm Bob Killian.
I am playing Keilonian Stumps, a tortle bard from the College of Slouvere.
Sluver focuses on medicine, and I've been playing D and D since college,
sort of off and on. I've run a few games. I've played
a few games, and ross you mentioned version two, I don't go quite
that far back, but I go back to version three point five, and
we all skipped forth edition. Yes, that's correct. And then also joining
us at our table is our producer, Nate Runkle. You're not going to
hear from Nate a lot, except that you are actually going to hear from
Nate a whole lot, because everything that you listen to will be touched by
Nate's work. And now that we have all of that squared away, I
invite you to sit back, relax, and let this absolutely ridiculous adventure begin.
It's a beautiful morning in Shallow Mirror. The lakeside capital city of Uvra
is bustling. Today is a big day. It's graduation day at the shallow
Mere University of the Magical and Martial Arts. Aka Maje and Marshall, the
country's national university. This is where some of the most notable thick years of
UVa's long history spent four or more formative years attending lectures by some of the
country's pre eminent scholars, wandering the long hallways, spending sunny Saturdays and the
botanical gardens and rainy Tuesdays and the beautiful wood paneled libraries where fairies flit about,
capturing and sometimes consuming the insects that threatened the ancient homes. But today
it's not just maj and Marshal's commencements. It's being celebrated thirty years ago to
this day, the university was the location of the official end of the cruel
regime of Phineas Malveaux, the autocrat who held Udvada in his grip for half
a century. The people's victory was made official here on the steps of the
Monument to Knowledge, this grand roofless colonnade overlooking Lake Tannin on the edge of
the Maje and Marshall campus. Because of its location in the capital, Maje
and Marshall's graduation is always attended by some of the country's most powerful figures,
but with the anniversary of the revolution that ended in this place happening concurrently,
the campus is especially full of notable and influential Uvedance. Among these is Eddia
Tsunamil, the mayor of the fortified town of Jubilantia in the western part of
Uva. Edia is not just here to celebrate UVa's independence or to perform at
an official capacity at graduation. However, she is here celebrating her great granddaughter's
eminent graduation with brunch in the grand dining room at Flatley Hall. The lush,
red and gold draperies that cover every wall of the Flatley Hall dining room
help to dampen the sound of the hundreds of people dining here. The high
ceilings are also draped in rich textiles, not only muffling the celebrations happening below,
but giving the entire room the feeling of a decadent tent. Soon to
be grad sit surrounded by their proud families at round and rectangular tables and excitedly
discuss their post graduation plans. Eddie's trenomio is seated at the very center table,
beaming at her granddaughter Ashley. Please introduce your character. Bell is an
assam art, but you wouldn't know that she's not human at first glance.
Maybe her ears are slightly more pointed than you'd expect. That could be just
like regular genetic variation. And anyway, most of the time her hair is
covering it. But you know, it's not like she has big wings sprouting
from her back or a halo perpetually floating overhead. Her angelic nature doesn't show
in such obvious ways, but instead it's found in the sweetness of her smile,
the grace with which she moves her body, the thick luster of her
hair, and the fact that she like never gets a blemish on her skin.
She is of average height. She carries herself with a poise that implies
that she is both a a dancer and b has never ever ever been told
to know by anybody who matters In her entire life, everything about her is
soft, so she has soft curves all over her body, soft curves in
her hair, soft dusting of metallic colored freckles across her face. Her hair
is, like I said, thick waves. It tumbles around her head,
coming to a swishy stop just above her shoulders. Her skin is a light
brown, and her hair is like a dark brown, but there are chunky
blonde highlights just sort of mixed throughout. There is a pink streak in the
back of her hair, and it's clear that she did try to sort of
cover it up for the sake of the special occasion and it wasn't going well,
so she just fully gave up. So she's owning it. She's owning
it. She's like, yes, and a pink streak. So we know
that Belle is here with Eddie, with her great grandmother. Who else is
she with? Who else isn't she with? So her entire family has come.
She's the first child to have been born since the fall of the autocracy,
so this is a big deal. So her parents are here, her
great grandmother is here, uncle's cousins, you know, anybody who is related
to her some capacity has definitely shown up in style. They're ready, they're
ready to celebrate. But most importantly is of course great Grandma, who she
just calls grandma, because who has time for greats? Grandma? You know,
you're great. And then of course her mom Rita and her dad Mint
and so yeah, they just like fully took over a massive table in the
dining hall. There's a lot of talking over each other, there's big hand
gestures, there is glitter everywhere. It's where is the glitter coming from?
Maybe you know, some people they breathe and outcomes carbon dioxide, and some
people they breathe and outcomes sparkles. It's normal, don't question it. So
I assume you're you're sitting closer to great Grandma and your mom and your dad.
Yes, So generally the family has like everybody's in kind of vibe.
So it's not like, oh, great Grandma's always at the head of the
table, right, But in this instance, like it's Belle's special day and
great Grandma is great grandma, so she gets to pick where she's sitting.
And she's sitting next to Belle. Okay, so great Grandma is going to
look over you and just like stroke your hand. My darling, girl,
you are so beautiful. Oh thanks, Grandma. I just I'm I am
just so proud of you. Tell me, darling, what did you get
up to last night? Oh my god, grandma. Okay, so you
know how we have the sponsor from fairy Powder, plus well the new shipman
just came in last night. So me and the girls. We went out.
We had an amazing time. We danced all night long. I don't
actually remember any of it, but I know that we had a great time.
My girl. If if you don't remember what happened last night, how
are your friends doing today? Oh? Well, okay, so like I'm
fine because you know, angelic, but I used mom's hangover cure and like
made it in a big batch, passed it out first thing this morning.
Everybody totally fine. Your mom on hearing this beams at you because she's she's
very proud of that hangover cure that she taught you when you were very young,
probably alarmingly probably alarmingly young, and she she just that's that's my girl.
I'm I'm so partying like your mother. I just couldn't be happier.
Tell me, did you did you remember to make sure to include the the
cayenne pepper and that hangover cure brol a history check to see if you remember
your mother's recipe. Sure, let's check it out. That is a sixteen.
Yeah, okay, you remember your mom's recipe. She took you may
have chicken you a couple of minutes, but you were remembered it. Yeah,
because I'm just I'm so and the cayenne is just it's it's just such
an important part of the recipe. Oh no, I I mom, I
totally remember the cayenne pepper. I remembered all the steps. I remember to
like spin it three times in one direction and the fourth time in the other
direction, And just to make sure everybody's breath was extra fresh, I added
a little bit of parsley. Parsley. Yeah, you know that parsley causes
bloating in this recipe? I yeah, of course I knew that. It
brought me a deception check sure, okay, yeah at seventeen plus four twenty
one, twenty one, will definitely get it. Your mom, Your mom
believes that you know the parsley causes bloating. Yeah, Mom, of course
I know that. But just in case I didn't know that, what remind
what was the you know, not that I would ever make the mistake,
but what was the the solution for that for floating? Yeah, with the
with parsley specifically, it's it's water, It's just water, you know this,
Yeah, you know, just all the pixie powder. Uh, yeah,
definitely knew that. Yes, great, Yeah, So like I gave
it to them, and then I was like, drink lots of water.
And Bella is going to take out like a piece like a napkin, and
she's just going to write. I don't know where she pulled it from,
but she has like one of these pink glitter jel pins with like the big
feather on it, and she's gonna write in super bubbly handwriting like water now,
and it's gonna be like the cutest, sparkliest handwriting. And it's just
the now is underline, underline, underline, exclamation mark, exclamation mark,
exclamation mark. And I assume that like there's there's servers, but also just
wherever Grandma is, there's unseen servants. Just like so Belle's just gonna be
like, give this to Brittany right now, please, thank you. So
the slip of paper is going to leave your hand and just kind of like
float across the room. Yeah, And do you do you also need to
be drinking water for this? I think I think no, because I have
like the angelic, I probably didn't need the hangover cure. That's my but
you know what, yeah, I think no, now that you say it,
Belle definitely took the cure, just to be extra safe because like the
big performance was today. And then she's like, and now to be extra
extra extra safe, I'm going to be so hydrated. So you're you're,
you're drinking some water and your little note is floated away. Meanwhile, your
your father Mint, your dad Mint, Yes, Mint, Mint is sitting
at the table on the other side of you, and you've all ordered,
but because you have such a large party and because the dining room is so
very busy, your food hasn't arrived yet, and your dad is looking around
the room and he's just like checking out what everybody else in the room is
eating and doing that thing where like, oh I could have ordered that.
Plate envy clearly, yeah, big plate envy. But also just like hungry
your dad is. He's not a big guys. He just has a really
fast metabolism. He is you you don't remember very many times in your life
where he didn't have like a snack in his pocket. It's got like a
little ice box under his desk where he can keep his snacks and stuff.
So like when she was growing up, like Mint always had treats for her
and she was like, oh my god, this is the best. And
then she got older and realized that the treats were not always around exactly.
So so he's looking around and his eyes land on a plate of grapes,
which are one of his favorite foods, and he's going to point at the
dish across the room and wait until the people at that table seem distracted,
and then he's just going to have a cluster of grapes kind of pott across
the room and land on his plate. Have you seen your dad do things
like this before? Oh? Yeah, this is very normal. And she's
probably gonna be like dad and he's gonna shove a handful of grapes in his
mouth, like is it okay? Nobody saw me? Right? Nobody nobody
saw me? Yeah, I guess. And she's gonna reach over and like
take a grape because like he already stole them, right, So, and
he's gonna like wink at you while you do that. So tell me about
how the plans for the festival going. Oh, they're going super good.
So I don't know if you got the confirmation last week, but Third Mice
Blind is confirmed they're going to be performing. I do remember seeing something about
that. He's like just shoving grapes in his mouth. But I don't I'm
not really familiar with that band. Could you could you tell me a little
bit what they're like so we can figure out where to put them on the
lineup. Oh my god, they're so good. They're like three mousefolk,
right, and they come out and they like come on stage and they're like,
oh, we can't see anything. Where are instruments? But then they're
like, whaw, we know exactly where our instruments are. And then they
start playing like the keyboards with their tails and they have like this whole bit.
It's amazing. My friends love them. Everybody's gonna love them. They're
great. Certainly sounds interesting. Hold on one second, and he's just going
to like pull his napkin up over his plate and kind of wave his hand
and then what had been an almost entirely bare stem of grapes now is full
of grapes again, and he shoves another handful of grapes in his mouth.
His grapes have multiplied and after that, So I know that booking the whole
festival is not on you, but you did say that you wanted to have
a big part in this this year, So who else have you lined up.
Okay, So I don't know yet if she's gonna be able to come
for the first week or the second week, but we're gonna have Lizard.
Lizard, who, oh my god, lizard you have you have to know
Lizard. Okay. She's the one who just came out with the clothing line
that's like for all body types, right Mom, Come on, mom,
Yeah, of course, Darling. You know she's the one who toorks and
plays tambourine. Yes, yes, she does all of it, wall singing.
It's super intense. It sounds fascinating anybody else that I should know about.
I mean like a whole bunch. I mean, hold on, we
have fun, and then we have like the third stage, and then there's
the I keep trying to get one of my classmates to perform, but he's
like, oh, I don't know if it's time for me to take the
platform when the platform should be peace or whatever. But all together, and
she starts like adding up on her fingers, but then she runs out of
fingers, and she like has this moment where she doesn't know what to do,
and then she just reaches to her life where like some random aunt her
uncle is and just like picks up their hand and starts counting on their fingers.
They don't seem to mind, and then she's like, yeah, I
think we have like twenty five so far. That's that's really impressive. That's
like just shoving grapes in his mouth. That's almost half of what you need
for the first weekend. Yeah. Thanks, So, I mean, and
tell me if you want me to take this one over, because I'm more
than happy too. But I know you said you were gonna you're gonna try
to reach out to fall mccartfrey his people. How's that going? Oh my
god, Dad, we met like over spring break and he is so cute,
like really sweet. So retro retro, yeah, like like good retro,
you know, like when you have a thing that's not new anymore,
but like good red, like you know that, like like your old gramophone,
Like it's not new, but everyone lo was it. I mean,
I still struggle to think that the youth of my the music of my youth
is is that retro? But I mean I guess I am. And he
starts to do the same thing you were doing, where he's like counting on
his fingers and runs out of fingers. It's like, you know what,
never mind, I have another grape. Dad, great idea, and he's
just not a grape, but like another handful of grapes that just keep replenishing
themselves on his plate, shoves another handful of grapes in his mouth. Is
I'm very proud of your Bell, or you are a very impression of young
woman. Thank you? Oh dad, So you're gonna kind of like do
the little i'd hug lean over to him. And as you're doing that,
your food is arriving. What did Bell order? Okay, so after everybody
knows, after a long night of partying, you need carbs. So she
has a whole stack of waffles. There is more syrup on it than waffles,
and she's like adding more syrup as she goes. She also has ordered
a lot of leafy greens with like an absurd amount of nuts and berries and
like every trendy superfood that you can imagine all combined into just like this nightmare
salad on top of the waffles. And then just to make sure it goes
down easy, there's definitely powdered sugar on top of all of it. So,
stack of waffles, yeah, stack of leafy greens yeah, nuts,
berries, seeds, et cetera, all the superfoods, powdered sugar. Yeah,
so that sounds horrific. Mm hmm. And at the same time,
your grandmother looks at your plate, picks up a fork and just like puts
a fork right in the middle of your plate. Yes, yes, Grandma.
Yes, your mother and father are aghast at this. As much as
your father loves food, this this is taking all the things he loves and
making it in an abomination. So Grandma takes it. She's like, Grandma
probably introduced you to this style of eating. Yeah, but mom and dad
are just aghast. Actually in a really a perception check that is that one,
Oh god, getting getting the bad rolls out early? Okay, so
for not one in the game, right first, first NAT one of the
campaign. Yeah, yeah, nobody else has had a chance to roll one
yet You're you were first. So so what you don't notice is that the
room is starting to empty and it's getting quieter. Instead, you just keep
like digging in to your your plate of food. Oh yeah, Dad,
you really need to try those. It's so wrong. Dad looks at you
like, you know what, I don't know? Good. It's like the
first time you've ever heard your father turn down food. Belle takes up personally.
She's like, she stops, she's wrong, No, Dad, She
SIPs some water. I mean it, Like, have I ever steered you
wrong? No, I've not try some. I think that's gonna require a
persuasion check. All right, that is seventeen plus five, so twenty two.
Yeah, that's definitely gonna be enough. Yeah, eat it, eat
it. So Dad is going to tentatively kind of reach his fork out onto
your plate, and he's gonna like stare at it as it's coming toward his
mouth, like he can't believe that he's going to do this, Like this
is a man who loves food, and this seems to be stack himself up.
This is this is anathemaut of everything he believes in, Like he loves
food so much, and this is this is a travesty. But still like
he said he would try it. And he's gonna pitch his nose shut and
put the fork in his mouth and like give it a couple of chews and
like unpinch his nose because when you have your nose pinchedut, it affect like
how things taste. So he's gonna unpinch it to be like, is that
actually as good as what I think I'm tasting. He's gonna unpitch his nose,
gonna hah, what what's actually delicious? I have to imagine that both
Bell and her grandmother are like leaning forward in there. So he's like,
ah ah, you're right, well yes, and instead of reaching on it,
likes to take another forkfol off of your plate again. He's just going
to like magic some of the food off of your plate and onto his.
Yeah, So the room has completely emptied out. The servers aren't even like
coming around to check on you to bring more food, not that we even
notice, because my dad just keeps refilling. He just keeps refilling the food.
At some point, a check floats onto the table with that nat one.
You don't notice the check the table. We're all just we're eating,
we're talking, we're gesticulating, we're glittering. So so after check has been
on the table for several minutes now, and the doors fly open and Brittany
is going to come just bracing and we're running very very late. What are
you what are you doing? We're supposed to be dancing on the stage and
graduation in four and a half minutes. Ah what dancing gradually four and a
half minutes? Okay, okay, sure, And she's just gonna like finish
the like mouth like the forkfold that she hasn't me. I'm gonna wm dah
grandma, everybody else. I love you. I gotta go bye. And
as you start to stand up, your grandmother is going to reach up for
your arms. Wait, but bell, where where are we supposed to sit
today? Uh? She just like swallows and she's like, I don't know.
I like, you're fancy person, so probably near the front, Like
I don't know, they're gonna put your names on the chairs or something.
What happens if there aren't enough seats for all of us, then you go
to the other seats for all the regular people. Or I guess you're you're
fine, You're fine, You're fine. I gotta go. I love you,
I love you, I love you. Bye. And then your father
is going to reach up and hold you by the He's like, wait when
you talk to val Macartfridge people, did they tell you about I have to
go ye. I love you. I'm very proud of you. We'll show
you back here for dinner after graduation, cause he gets bay She's like,
like, do you mean air kisses? And she does, like turns around
and as she's like air kissing, she's backing away so that people can stop
grabbing her arm. And then she turns around and sprints out of the room.
Across the cobblestone square from Flatley Hall, things are unusually quiet and Enchanted
Grounds the normally bustling coffee shop known for its strong, bruised and weekly open
mic nights. Enchanted Grounds occupies an Oligarchy era building, impressively square, clad
in slabs of gray stone on the outside and white brick on the inside.
To soften the severity of the space, the owners of Enchanted Grounds have filled
it with color and texture over stuff. Velvet sofas in bright jewel tones and
nest like chairs are clustered around tables built to be the perfect height for the
seats surrounding them. The walls are hung with both vintage chapestries and new art
made in Marshall students, and a wood burning stove in the corner has been
enchanted to keep the room at the perfect temperature no matter the season. Behind
an ornately carved wooden counter standing on several overturned milk rates. A young woman
is scribbling in a journal. Anne, can you please introduce your character?
So Clarice is quite small, under three feet tall, petite in a sort
of other species. She would be seen as a child by her size,
maybe sixty pounds wet. She has very dark features, eyes that are technically
brown but look shiny black. Her hair is just as dark, pined,
straight, aggressively straight. She couldn't get it to curl if she tried.
It's at a sharp angle to cut bob, and each of her features seems
to be fighting to look sharper, competing to have a more sharpened edge than
the next pointed chin. Anything that's soft, she seems to add a bright
color to or a dark color, so her lips are often covered in dark
lipliner and things to sort of harshen her features. She wants to look fierce
even with all this effort. She's somebody who can easily blend into a crowd.
She's a bit of a social chameleon. She likes reading the room and
watching from afar. But she also could have easily been a child pickpocket had
she been born into a different life. She is very sarcastic. Her voice
is clearly an intentional affect, not how she was raised to speak, nor
is it how she would talk in her sleep. She is feminine in her
body, but enjoys contrasts, just as the colors and angles of her intentional
appearance show off, and so she likes to be a little tougher than is
necessary, a little bit harsher with her jokes than the situation calls for.
She doesn't say much when she first encounters people, but she does like to
play a little game with herself when folks enter the coffee shop of trying to
guess their order before they make it. So because the coffee shop is so
empty, there's nobody in there right now, and Clarice is writing in her
journal is what is she writing? Clarice is in the middle of a pro
and con list about whether or not she should continue her plans to join the
party that she's been planning to join. Currie has a lot of thoughts and
very little feeling when it comes to what her next steps are. She's sort
of lost track of her gut because she's had so many conversations and so many
people trying to influence and change her thinking right now, her plan is to
go adventuring for a couple of years, to get to know Urvara and to
live as her own person, not under the shadow of her parents. But
as she writes these pro and con lists, you can see she's organized it
into four columns, one for each of the political parties of the nation and
one for a completely different path forging a new future. The enchanted grounds owner,
who is a cobalt named Strung Bruchane Sir, comes out from the back
of the coffee shop. She is tall only by the standards of Clarice.
She is loud and boisterous and has been a very kind boss to Clarice and
often tries to get Clarice to open up to her, but Clarice has not
yet really revealed much of who she is too strong. Strung stops as she
walks into the front part of the coffee shop and almost seems startled to see
Clarice there. Oh, Clarice, I forgot that you were here today.
Yeah, I mean, I really appreciate your offering double overtime, so I'm
in Well, yes, I mean, nobody ever wants to work on graduation.
I was very surprised to learn that you wanted to work on graduation,
seeing it is it's your graduation year. Yeah, I mean, it's no
big deal. I'm happy to be here and like it's so nice when it's
quiet in here and you can just think, you know, I mean,
I don't really like what it's quiet in here because it's my business and I
need the business to be doing well. But if you like the quiet,
that's fine. Are you quite sure that you're okay with missing out on your
graduation? Oh? Yeah, I mean my parents aren't even there, like
I told them not to come. It's fine, and obviously, like I
want to make that money, yeah, because I do. I do pay
you quite generously here. You're the best, aren't you. Aren't you concerned
about missing out on this memory? I mean, what are they going to
have, like five politicians giving pompous speeches up there. We've heard it all.
It's not like they're going to say something new. What about your friends?
What about just celebrating your last four years? This is quite an accomplishment.
Oh, oh, you're so sweet. No it's not. It's not
an accomplishment, but it really is. Iks I think, yes, that
is the appropriate response. Here, you're welcome if you don't need me for
anything. I'm going to head to graduation myself. My niece is graduating today.
I'm just gonna grab my purse in the back and i'll look out the
back door. So enjoy the quiet. I guess, thank you, it's
the best. But like if anybody comes in, my promise, I'll like
upsells some pastry. Okay, thank you, Clarice. You have a nice
day. Into so strung turns and walks out. You hear her footsteps receding,
pausing while she grabs her things from the back, and then continuing out
the back door. Once you're sure she's gone, you notice that there was
a letter that she put on the counter, addressed to you, delivered to
the coffee shop, delivered to your dormitory. Do you open the letter?
Yes, but I first get a little bit of water bubbling heat up just
in the tea kettle, and I'm gonna steam it open just in case I
need to reseal it. Okay, why don't you roll a let's call that
a performance check. That is fourteen. You get it about three quarters of
the way steamed open, and then just as you're getting to that last couple
of inches, your finger slips and you damn it the corner. Whatever.
It's funny, all right. So you have this letter, You open it
and you recognize your mother's handwriting. I begin to read, sighing deeply.
That's, dear Clarice. We're sorry we couldn't be there for you today,
but not really because you told us not to come and to take a vacation
instead. We were unsure about whether to surprise you at your commencement anyway,
but things have been so stressful in Platycema and our preparations for the upcoming election,
so we decided to take you at your word that you wouldn't be upset
with us for not being in shallowmere seabright, really is so lovely this time
of year. And besides, you know how your father and I generally shook
formal ceremonies. I understand that Gideon's storm Caller is the commencement speaker this year.
He called on your father last time he was in Platysma, and he
really is a lovely man, even if I don't see eye to eye with
him on well most things. Really, your father says to tell him hello,
if you have the opportunity, but I don't suppose you will, seeing
as you're probably shirking the graduation proceedings yourself. Like parents like daughter, I
suppose. And on that note, Darling, your father and I were wondering
whether you had yet decided whether you were clerking with me for the greens or
with your father for the violets when you return to Platycima and start clerking at
the bus Ro group to put any pressure on you at all. And as
you know, we're quite open to you starting a third branch if you're more
interested in working with the chorals, But of course we would need to bring
someone in as your supervisor, because as much as we love and trust you,
we don't think you're ready to assume operations for an entire new division.
In any case, we want to know where to set up your desk and
which clients to assign to you, or whether we need to start looking for
a supervisor for you after all you do start next week. I hear your
father calling me from the other room. I think it's time for our spa
appointment. So that's all for now. Do write back and let me know
your thoughts when you have a moment all my love MJ. Bussborough esquire and
then that bottom part the signature is scratched out and the words your mother are
written over the scribble, followed by a PostScript, sorry darling, habit see
you next week. Classic Clarice. Upon reading this, takes a deep breath,
rips a piece of paper out of her journal, and begins drafting a
reply. She gets to mom in dear Mom and scribbles it out MJ.
No. She scribbles it out again. As she's staring at this piece of
paper before her, she hears the bells of the front door open and a
tall, elderly half well wearing academic robes walks toward the counter. Do you
recognize this person? Roll an intelligence check fourteen so you know that this is
doctor Sink. Doctor Sink is the dean at Broxton College. You don't really
know much about Broxton College. You've really kept to yourself for the last few
years. But although doctor Sink is a frequent visitor of enchanted grounds, you
find yourself unable to remember his order. Hi. Uh, that's it is?
It? Remind me what can I get for you? Darling girl?
That is so kind of you to ask, I'm running quite late, but
I was hoping. I know, I know, I know that it's springtime
and this is this is perhaps a tollolder and again I am running quite late.
So tell me if this is not possible, and we'll figure something else
out. But I would like to have a Mage's Winterry Mix. Are you?
Are you familiar to you? Do you know that one? It's an
eighteen eighteen? So you remember that this is a cocktail, a coffee cocktail,
because that's that's how it's positioned at the at the what of the morning,
it's five o'clock somewhere right, is uh, it's a little bit before
ten in the morning, you know. Parents, So it comes kind of
flooding back to you, like, oh right, That's that's why I see
this man frequently because he always has a little something extra that he puts into
his coffee in the morning's on his way to class. But it's actually something
different every time because he's worried that like he's going to perhaps be called out
on it. So the Major's Wintry Mix is a quadruple espresso with a shot
of caramel and a raspberry essenced liqueur. This is not something that you ever
have available in the spring, because who wants a caramel cocktail coffee cocktail at
ten o'clock in the morning when it's a beautiful, sunny, warm day outside.
So you know that you're going to have to go out to the back
to get these ingredients. Clarice is going to start brewing some espresso loose pack.
She knows that the best espresso isn't incorrectly tightly packed, and she's quite
proud of this, so loosely packs the espresso, loads the machine, and
then turns to him again and says, now, traditionally I would put some
raspberry liqueur in there, but I'm wondering how you would feel if I just
got a little bit of my boss's cordial from her office instead role persuasion.
That was a natural twenty with my modifier of six first of the campaign.
So we've brick failed and hid a NAT twenty. All right, nothing else
to do? Bye, Everyone can a doctor. Sanklein's of the counter very
conspiratorially to you and says, what kind of cordial? Give me just a
second. Clarice is gonna put one eye on the cash register and make sure
it's firmly closed and then duck behind what I imagine is like a bead curtain
something like that, just around the corner. Okay, roll an investigation check
for me. That's a thirteen. So for with a thirteen, you head
back. Strung's office is just kind of off to the side. It's not
straight back. There's like the storage area and the little kitchen, and then
you've You've got Strung's office behind another door. So this involves you having to
move a little bit more off to the side. When you get in there,
you start to fish around looking for that hidden bottle of cordial that you
know Strung normally keeps in a drawer in her desk. You don't see it
there. You walk out of the office thinking maybe you will just have to
find that raspberry cordial. But you can still get away with telling doctor Sink
that it's the special cordial. It's just not that just raspberry liqueur that's so
generic. And as you start to walk back, rub me another investigation check.
Lots of nine. Okay, with a nine, you grab that bottle
of raspberry liqueur, you put a hand over the label. You begin to
walk back into the coffee shop, and we're going to stop there Across the
alleyway from the back door of enchanted grounds is a steep set of stone stairs.
This is the entrance to Eurote Hall, one of the oldest and most
storied colleges at mage in Marshall. Up the stairs, across a portico and
up another flight of stairs is the Eurrote Hall Reading Room. The room is
large and the wood paneling makes it feel dark, but it is still filled
with a filtered light. A southern facing stained glass window casts violet and silver
shapes across the room's flat surfaces, and at the far end of the room,
colorless flames rage in the enormous fireplace known as the ever Hearth, but
they give off no heat. A soul figure sits at a table at the
far end of the room. Ross who are we meeting? Sitting over the
desk is a red skinned young man with pointed ears, reddish brown hair.
His most noticeable feature is his yellow eyes. Andrew harrow Hold is a Hobgoblin.
He's the youngest of his siblings, but he's and he's the most like
his father in appearance, but the least like him in temperament. On the
desk you see three coffee cups, two of them are completely consumed. One
of them is a work in progress and a completely uneaten croissant. He looks
over at the gramophone and the harps chord. Music that's coming from there stops
for a moment, and then you see the record levitate, flip over and
presume. On the other side. The room smells of a little bit of
nightshade, and Andrew pours over a stack of parchment, and on the top
he is writing over and over again, honus rast and he's he just keeps
looking at this tone, trying to make sense of it all. What is
the tone? It is part of the archive from the entire university library about
the alumnus, the alumni, because he has a duty to do and he
wants to make sure he does it right. But something is frustrating him about
it. What is frustrating? We came to this place, if not remarkable
on our own, then to do remarkable things when we leave. And what
he's reading, he's seeing a lot of stuff that is not remarkable about the
alumni. You'll never meet a greater adversary than your own potential. It's your
graduation day. Why are you sitting in the reading room going over this.
He constantly looked over the Everharf. He looks to the long sword that hangs
there, and you know it's an honor and a privilege to do what to
read the role of remembrance. And he wants to do right by these names,
but is frustrated or disappointed that this is a storied university and yet there
are He's looking for the heroes and there aren't any in this list. You
hear a knock on the door, without waiting for a response, it opens.
There is a tall, tobaxy catlike person humanoid standing there. If we
lived in this world that we the players are in, she would look like
a black panther, tall and sleek and so black that when she's stands in
the shadows you don't see that she's there except for her glowing green eyes.
She's wearing academic robes with a sash the color of the Eurote Hall. This
ashually the colors of Eurate Hall, violet and silver, violet and silver.
She's got a sash that is violet and silver. This is Doctor Burning Fire,
which you've always thought was an interesting name, given that one of her
duties is to be the keeper of the ever Heearth may I come in always?
You need not ask, Professor, always, I do, hope I'm
not interrupting, not at all. Will me a deception check deception? You
said, yep, fifteen. She accepts what you said, that nothing is
really bothering you, and she crosses the room toward you to where the fireplace
is and kind of pushes an armchair over toward the fireplace. Could you give
me a hand with this, of course, professor. So she holds out
her hand for you to support her, and she steps up on the armchair
and you kind of feel the weight of her. She sinks. The armchair
is softer than she realized, but she's pretty tall and she doesn't need too
much support to reach up over the fireplace and take down the sword that hangs
there. Have you seen the sword before? I've seen it every day for
the last four years. Have you seen it up close before? Once?
When was that? When I was initiated? What was the initiation process?
We came into this very room and Professor Soldiering held the sword and each of
us ran our finger across it and gave a drop of blood. Looking at
it up close again, how do you feel nervous? It's a weird mix
of pride and anxiety for what my role is about to be. As doctor
burning Fire steps down from the armrest, using your hand for support, She's
quite close to your face and she just kind of tilts a head to one
side, and you see those intense, glowing eyes. You seem apprehensive.
I thought we were here to do or become remarkable. My boy, I
would argue, you are remarkable, Professor. I I believe that, But
no I don't. I've been reviewed doing the biographies from the archives for the
role of remembrance, and there's a tailor and under Minister of finance from the
autocracy. There's several who have passed completely after they left for lack of a
better word, anonymously, what are we supposed to become remarkable? I don't
see it in the archive. These people are not remarkable, andrek The thing
that you must learn, the thing that you should have learned over these four
years, is there are many ways to be remarkable. Perhaps the page is
the problem. How do you mean these people had lives? Right? Of
course, the words on the page don't convey it. There are those whose
stories are to be told, and there are those who are to be anonymous.
That does not mean that all were not remarkable. Peels off, just
like a little piece of the end of the croissant from the desk and pops
the moon's mouth shoes and looks at the from where she removed the sword,
looks at the coat of arms that's there. Describe it. It is a
shield gray field with a tone. There's a skull on it with vines and
flowers growing out of the eye socket, and the crest is a blazing sun
with a crescent moon eclipsing it. Doctor Burning Fire gives you a moment,
and then she says, are you ready for today? As ready as I'm
going to be, and he will take the sword from her. She lets
him have the sword, and also reaches into the pocket of her gown and
hands you the official role of remembrance. What you've been preparing with is a
copy. This one has been written by scribes. It's prepared especially for the
graduation ceremony every year. It you notice that she looks up to the coat
of arms also, Andrek, I do believe you will be remarkable, but
first I need to know that you're going to take extremely good care of this
sword. It'll be an hour and then it will be back above the hearth.
The sword has been carried by the marshals of Jurade Hall for centuries.
I expect you to bring it back to me straight away. Of course,
take very very good care of it. I will thank you, professor.
She reaches out and gives you a little pat on the shoulder and walks out
of the room. Ceremonies are begetting soon, and then she leaves. What
do you do? You have the sword and the scroll. Now I pick
up the long duster jacket that is draped over the chair at that reading desk
and throw throw the duster jacket on, tuck the scroll into the inside pocket
of it. And then the sheath has a leather strap on it, and
I like throw it over one shoulder, tighten it and just take a deep
breath, look again at the coat arms, and leave the room. Roll
me in perception, check on your way on the door. Garbage, not
even specified, just garbage. That's that's a total of a seven. Yeah,
No, that's that's not gonna be enough, all right, So you
start to walk out of the room. On your way out, the graduation
robes of all of the Eurody Hall students are are hanging from their doors.
And you get to the end of the hall where your room is, what
do you do? Give a quick knock at my own room, nothing happens.
I grab my robe and I throw it over my should over my shoulder,
because I'm like trying to figure out how with now, with the jacket
and the sword, I'm supposed to do this. We're gonna pause there and
you can figure that out on your way to graduation. Got it? Andrek
exits quickly down the stairs and across the portico. Below the portico is a
courtyard built around a large round lawn in the center of which since an enchanted
apple tree that bears fruit all year long. If you keep looking across the
courtyard past the tree, you'll see a short, squat building that seems on
first appearance as if it might collapse at any moment, But in truth,
this building has stood longer than many of the others around it, and it
was designed to outlast them all. This is Youngham College, but most of
the students at Mage and Marshall College, the College of Sticks and Stones,
just inside the front door alone soon to be graduate. Since in the Youngham
College foyer Chris, who are we meeting? I'm playing pooched In Rucus.
That's last name, first name, so he goes by Rucus. Rucus is
a dogfolk, which is a homebrew race just part beast and part humanoid.
If you've ever seen a Tibetan mastiff, you'll have a good idea of what
he looks like, only bigger. He's about five feet tall when on all
fours, and about eight feet tall if he gets up on his hind legs.
There's very large dog folk who plays on made In Marshall's bug ball team.
He's got darker brown fur on the flank, with a beige bordering on
off white tummy and a respectably medium length, poofy brown tail that usually curls
back up his spine. Ruckus's fur is extra long and shaggy around his shoulders,
neck, and his head. It's almost like a mane. It covers
his floppy ears, and sometimes it gets in his eyes, or at least
it gets in the one eye that isn't covered with an eye patch that he
wears all the times since he was a kid. He's very jowy with snow
white fangs and a large pink tongue that's frequently blipping out of his mouth,
especially when he's sleeping. Dog Folk don't usually wear clothes, but in addition
to the eye patch that Ruckus wears, he's also taken to wearing bugball pants,
which are this eye catching forest green sheen and they have a brilliant orange
stripe down one leg. And there's also a dark olive green biicocket hat that
he wears that a large oriel feather tucked gently to one side. And he's
also rarely seen without trusty sky blue stinky old gem sneakers that he's been wearing
for years, but not since he got to Major Marshall. He started wearing
those when he got there. One more important thing I should mentioned about Ruckus
is that while he understands the common tongue, dogfolk mouths are not built for
common speech. So instead, while he's been a Major Marshall, Rugus has
begun learning how to use bork buttons, which he wears on a sash across
his one shoulder to help communicate with non dog folk. For example, Hello,
Ruckus, you christ Mark and how is Rucas's day going? I'd say
it's been good. Rock He's been hanging out alone on the sitting room's long
wooden bench for the last few minutes, even though he knows it will be
covered by his graduation attire. He's currently decked right now in his bug ball
uniform and he's bent over carefully leasing up his trusty, very smelly old sneakers.
He's a bit anxious, but not just because he's about to graduate,
also because he'll be the first dog folk in generations to graduate from Major and
Marshall. So he's feeling a lot of pressure to be the best boy he
can be. But it's been a pretty good morning. He's been up since
before dawn the day with his usual morning calisthenics. Okay, I have to
ask, what do his calisthenics look like? Oh, it's mostly running around
his dorm room in tight circles chasing his tail. And after that he went
outside to enjoy the morning misted and have a pre breakfast butterfly chase in the
nearby field. And what does Recus like to have for breakfast? His favorite
thing to have is a whole bunch of bananas. And now that he's eaten
his bananas, now that he's gotten dressed, and now that he's gingerly nod
at the tip of his wooden spear to ensure that it is as sharp as
can be. He's going to open young wrought iron doors and step outside.
Roll a perception check fourteen. You hear a clock chime in the distance.
You know that there was a certain there had been a certain number of chimes
you were supposed to listen for to tell you that it was time to go
to graduation, But you're not entirely sure if this is the right number of
chimes. Roll me another perception check ten right in the middle of the poker.
Normally, you're very attuned to all of the small critters that can be
found on the Major and Marshall campus, the squirrels, the birds, the
butterflies, butterflies, the middle gligs. Yes, so you're very surprised when
a squirrel starts to dart across your path, but you didn't smell it coming.
How's surprising, Chris? What do you do once the squirrel runs across
your path? Are school super is going on? Perception jack nineteen? Where's
it going? It's it's heading in the direction away from the stadium where the
graduation ceremony. Which way should I go? It's graduation but squirrel? Right?
Yeah, so which way do you go? What's intelligence? Not so?
Two? Yeah? You start running after the squirrel. The squirrel has
quite a head start on you. I'm going to go down on all fours
and start. When I go down on all fours, I can run a
little bit faster than I'm not just my two legs, right. Okay,
so the squirrel is already about fifty feet past you. It's real beast.
Take me about six turns to catch up. Well, since we're not an
initiative, we don't need to worry so much about that. But would you
roll me an athletics check please? Oh? Happily? Ten? Uh.
The squirrel is still pretty far ahead of you. The squirrel starts to double
back, and it runs towards that enchanted apple tree in the center of the
which my favorite apple tree. Squore the apple tree. All right, rolled
me another athletics check. Oh, that's a twenty five. Just as the
squirrel is getting to the first branch of the apple tree, Ruckus leaps up
onto that branch. Ruckus, We're gonna get canceled so fast, he's just
gonna skin it tail. Okay, catch it and not know what to do
with it. No, yeah, so rackets. What happens when you when
you wind up on the branch next to the squirrel? Well, I want
to I want to do speak to animals. Maybe maybe's first level spot before
this thing gets going to see what he's thinking. Sure, great, okay,
so I'll do an intelligent saving throw to see if I remember to save
my spell slots earlier. Okay, that sounds smart. Great, Oh,
fifteen saving throw. Okay, so with the fifteen savings throw, you you
second guess yourself. Maybe you shouldn't speak with squirrel, but you you you
do notice that the squirrel is kind of like gotten up on its hind legs
with its back against the tree trunk and is looking very fearfully at you.
Maybe maybe it's just surprised as I was to see you. The squirrel starts
to do that thing where they like they shatter, and I'm gonna push my
little button and say how well, the squirrel like leaves because he's not used
to hearing that noise coming from Like, the squirrel has seen you to campus
before. It knows who you are. You are the only dog folk around
campus, Chase, it has been chased by you in the past. This
is the first time it has heard you speak. I'm gonna push the button
again. Hello, I'm gonna push the button. Rockets, I gestured of
myself. Shake. The squirrel very tentatively starts to walk towards you and sniffs
your hand. Animal handling check. You may all right, let's see eight.
No, sorry, It sniffs your hand and then jumps back toward the
tree trunk. And I'm gonna say goodbye, but I can't say that,
so I'm gonna say no, hello a little way than rollmy and acrobatics check.
Okay. Seven, you are going to not stick to the landing the
brush. Well, the branch is now very strong, so as you start
to jump down, you like hear the branch beginning to crack, and instead
of jumping down and landing on all fours, which is what you were expecting
to do, you do that thing where like when a dog is playing and
it jumps up in the air and it lands on its back instead with the
legs up in the air, and you're going to take I wanded on my
wooden shield. Eight points of falling damaged to the infirmary forrask first damage roll
of the campaign, and it's from falling out of a tree. Roll me
another perception check as he's fallen, he's fallen perspective laying on Yeah, so
because you're your Yeah, you're lying on it, so you're you're lower than
you're used to being, which means the sense that you're catching are lower to
the ground than what you're used to. And you smell a fresh waffle cone
and ice cream being consumed somewhere near you. Some head points what what do
you do? I'm gonna see you get up and then go see what that
is perception to follow this follow my nose, I think with with the with
the perception check that you rolled across the courtyard. You know the courtyard is
round, so this would be like the western end of the courtyard. You
see a small goblin child who is eating this enormous ice cream cone. It
looks so tasty, I hope. What what do you do as you approach
the goblin child. I'm gonna go in and say hello. So I'm gonna
walk up to it. Uh, gonna walk up and I will say hello.
The goblin child starts to giggle on a point of myself, and I'm
going to push the button. I'm going to say, rucus rack if ruckus?
If yes? Whoa hi rack? If hello you question mark me?
Yes, I'm not. I don't know if I'm supposed to tap the strangers
understand you see that that she She looks really disappointed because she wants to pet
the big fluffy dog, but her mom told her not to talk to strangers.
Our dogs. Stranger get down on like a dog that talks is a
stranger? Yes, you can roll a bear. Yes, okay, let's
do a persuas. Let's make sure I don't what a lot of viers before
it. If you're particularly persuasive, can you do that little like chirpy wine
noise that dogs make when they really want I think I'll get to go in
my four paws with like my my and the little girl giggles again, I'm
dazy. Hello, Hi you dog? The qustume mark what no? Understand?
Question mark? Can I pet you? Yes? Yes? All right.
So she's she's going to kind of like toddle over to you. She's
holding the ice cream deck check st just straight up dexterity. So some some
ice cream starts to drip out of her ice cream cone. But it lands
just far enough away that you can't lick it up while she's petting you.
Watch more pretty good? But does it over pretty good? And she's so
she like starts to pet you, and she's like one hand here, one
hand holding the ice cream, and a trickle of ice cream actually drips into
your eye, the one that doesn't have the ipadch on, the one that
doesn't have the eye patch on. Okay, I'm gonna try to, I
guess, blink it out. Would that be like a sleight of eye check?
Yeah, I think I think you're gonna try to. Let's make that
tongue, I think, yeah, I think sleight of hand for this?
Yeah, seventeen, you get it. It's delicious. I'm gonna roll for
her. As you do that, she throws a leg over you and starts
to like she wants to ride, like like you're a little pony pony.
She's gonna do persuasion or an animal handling. I am part piecet parking.
I'll let you choose. We're gonna do persuasion. Check. Let me pull
up the child staff block because I had it, and would you have me
roll against this to see who's like who's up? Great, Yeah, yours.
It's going to be an intelligence check. Great, she's probably gonna win
intelligent saving throw against her. Great, she's probably gonna win negative water.
She only rolled up five. Where are we going? We're off to the
races. She swings a leg over you and like forgets the ice cream cone,
just like throws the ice cream cone on the ground, buries her hands
and your your fluff and oh and I say, go questure Mark, well
to forget there. She just just dropped the ice cream cone in front of
you. So no, you have a decision to make. Can I actually
yes, can I point at it and say give rocus qustume Mark? And
it's like on the ground. It's just like melting in the sun. Right,
So like ground is fair game. She she giggles, but doesn't actually
respond. I'm gonna totively go over to it and then snip, oh,
okay, great, I'm gonna yeah, I devour it and like two bites
and I'm gonna say many good. Okay, this whole thing is gonna pixar
qusture Mark. Okay, so I'm gonna run straight. Where are we going?
You're gonna start running in circles around, follow and let's do boy a
lot. Excheck to see she gets tired. She's not dizzy, she is
having fun. This is not how I played on this of those rodeo events
at the Texas Rodeo where the little kids ride the sheep as long as they
can. That's what lost the sock. That's what I was thinking, except
that she just rolled at seventeen to stay on for we have already broken the
area, like, welcome to actual play in D and D. We're actually
playing dau We sure are? Rock? Is really a perception check? Please?
Twenty two? You hear the sound of horses clothes coming across the courtyard.
What do you do? I'm gonna have to make an intelligence check.
Yes, I think you are. Let's say, actually, would that be
intelligent? I think that's more wisdom wisdom? Yeah, yeah, alright five,
So it doesn't matter if it's intelligent. Sure doesn't. Really. I'm
willing to see if she stays on your back for this. Yeah. No,
you take off running in the direction of the hooves and she is still
holding on. Oh, I'm gonna make so many friends today. Did the
ice cream kill me for any points? No, it's just ice cream,
wet goods, just like a video game. Literally anything fifty potatoes for five
points, right like tag man, it's just ice cream. So you have
Daisy writing on your back, and she she's a little scared at this point
because you were running at a full gallop up toward these very large cart horses.
Great, I'm gonna uh, as I'm running, I'm gonna reach up
with my one pod and go on three legs and golfing a little bit slower,
and I'm gonna look up at her. I'm gonna say you help,
question Mark, help help. I'm gonna say no, go, and I'm
gonna stop slowly. Okay. She is going to very cautiously climb off of
your back and give you like a little pet on your head, and then
like stumble back toward where she was standing, very shaky on her feet.
You good, question Mark by no Hello, I wave goodbye. Across the
courtyard, you see her. You see her toddling across the courtyard to her
mother or presuma, playing her mother an older goblin. Roll me a wisdom
jack here twelve the goblin to whom she is running her presumed mother. You
recognized as a professor from the university. Meanwhile, the horses are getting closer.
Well, I could get in trouble or I go hang out with some
horses. I wonder what I want doing? Everything is your favorite, I
know, Rob me Wisdom check seventeen. You notice the horses starting to come
up toward you. Two large card horses pulling a cart of fireworks. Oh
maybe we can race, maybe you, but you realize that if you keep
going toward or following the horses, you are probably going to be late for
your graduation ceremony. Which, oh, I have to be a very good
boy. So you start to go in the direction from once the horses came.
Oh, well, we'll we'll reach next time. So, exiting the
courtyard, you wind up near the athletic fields. Okay, cool, I'll
go back in my hind legs for now. Okay. So you're strolling through
the along the athletic fields. Roll me a perception check twenty one. You
see a group of students playing football. Oh, bugball, which my favorite.
Chris, what are the rules of bug ball? Have you ever played
Calvin ball? Nobody has ever played Calvin ball. Oh, well, you're
really missing out. So it is essentially a retooled version of Calvin Ball,
which is of course credits do great. Bill Waterson, Calvin and Hobbs admitted
this sport. There are a couple of base rules. Typically it's teams of
four on four. There are two sort of large holes on either side of
a large pitch. That pitch is about one hundred and twenty feet long or
so. Usually play in grass, but you can play anywhere. It's just
that like as this has become arofessional sport, they've regulated in the field.
But the rules are the first team to get the ball in their team's respective
hole to score four times wins the game. But on your turn, instead
of doing you know, an action trying to throw the ball or run it
down the field, you can also choose to make a new rule with your
with your turn. The rule that you make it can be any rule that
you want that changes how the game is played. With a couple of exceptions.
You can't say the rule is that we win. You can't say the
rule is anything other than the first person first team to four points wins.
But everything else is fair game. Am I remembering correctly that you can't repeat
rules in Calvinball? Yeah? Why would you yeah, okay, so just
bug ball use that same conceit also, sure great. Okay, So you
see on the field eight people playing. That's a full game of bug ball,
and another five or six people kind of standing along the side. Roll
me a wisdom check seven. You don't recognize any of them, but they
wearing the green and orange ripe pants. They're not They're just dressed in like
street street clothes. Oh, it's it's a pick up game. Want to
pick me up? Because it picks you up when you play it. So,
so in this pick me up game, you notice that one of the
players on the field is just like everybody is just running around this player.
They're just like being so outclassed by everybody else. Perhaps they're just new.
Perhaps depending on how you roll, you want to go help them. Let's
see what's going to be. That is going to be a wisdom nine.
Oh yeah, you want to go help them. Let's go help a new
bug ball player. I'm very curious to see how Ruckus makes rules with the
funny word limit. Well we're not. We're not really going to find out
because Rucus has gone off to the bug ball field. Rucus is very late
for graduation. Actually, a d ten. Yeah, okay, tend ten
first time? That's this one? How many hours later? Time? Ten
hours? Late minutes? Minutes you're going to be playing bug ball for ten
minutes. You are going to be well, that's a big game of bootball.
Usually they're over in like, you know, fifty seconds or so.
It might be it might be more than one game. One of the rules
that they invented. Yeah, yeah, so you're you're going to spend your
next ten minutes playing bug ball instead of going to I'm so happy, all
right, So we're going to leave you thereat. The green of Major and
Marshall's Athletic Fields eventually give way to the green of the university's botanical gardens,
and in a far corner of the botanical gardens is where you'll find maje In
Marshall's Medicinal Garden. This belongs to Slouvere College, a low slung stone structure
tucked behind the gardens, designed to blend in with its surroundings. Although a
glamour helps with the camouflage, the Medicinal Garden is not the draw for visitors
that some of the botanical gardens, or nate topiaries and blooming flower fields are,
but it is the source of all the herbs and roots and berries used
by the aspiring healer mages at Mage and Marshall. Despite its cross university utilization,
the medicinal garden is specifically maintained by the Sloverdians, as it has been
for centuries past. The kamameal and lavender flowers and the shoots breaking ground above
the ginger and garlic and tumeric. There's a small cluster of ginkgo trees behind
them. The strumming of a guitar is just audible, Bob who's playing that
guitar. To describe kill one Stumps, you can do You can start describing,
or you can start with the song and then do your description. Well,
Kilonion is a Kilonian. Stumps is a turtle, and a turtle is
a large turtle. Person would be the best way to turtle? Yes,
exactly. Kilonian himself is uh not too tall average height. Uh. He
is five to six. He has muddy brownish green skin, and he's he's
a bit scrawny for a turtle, not very for a turtle. For a
turtle, thank you, thank you quite large for a turtle. I'll do
that, Yeah, I'll do that a lot probably, And so he he's
strumming his guitar in the courtyard. He sitting down. He you notice his
claws. He has uh, what would normally be like sort of long claws
on his fingers, but these have looked like we have have been filed down
a little bit and they're a little dull being used to strum his guitar.
And on his back is his shell, which is rather large and has a
few leather sort of backpacks, almost like saddle packs put on his shell.
And sitting next to him is a little chicken coop that also has some straps
on it that looks like it would go on his shell. And wondering around
him is a little chicken that is pucking pecking at the bugs in the garden.
Is it like a white chicken with a little red yep? Wonderful straight
out e legend of Zelda. Yeah. Perfect. And so he's just strumming
away, looks looking like he's having a great time. He's got a straw
hat that's wide brimmed that's keeping the sun out of his eyes as he strumming,
and he looks like he's just trying to like sort of figure out a
song or like put a song together? Is what is he trying to figure
out about the song? Oh? Well, he's always writing a song.
And at this particular time, you notice by the way that his guitar on
the body of the guitar is painted in a sort of scribbly script peacemaker on
his guitar. And right now he's trying to figure out a way to sing
about the peacefulness of nature, because he's sitting in this garden and it's very
peaceful, and he's trying to figure out the best way to describe the peacefulness
of this garden. Strength will hear? Real nice green? There's no ice,
and I wanna sit here all day, but it's graduation day. I
gotta go soon. What do you think about that? Angel? Because that
sounds good. Angel is the chick. Angel is the chicken. Why don't
you roll an animal handling check to see how angel feels about that'd be twenty
one. Angel kind of sidles up to you and like rubs her head on
your elbow while you're playing. Oh you like it, Angel? Great?
Your approval metas not too? I asked the songs liver or Died by the
Chickens. She's a headmaker. The producer roll me a perception check. I
taking a deep breath, and it's at fifteen in the distance, you hear
the chime of the bell tower at the school that tells you that it is
about graduation time. And so if you're going to graduation, then it should
be time to start packing up your things. What do you do? See?
All right, angel, I think it's a bad time when we get
over to graduation. Now he stands up in a very totally fashioned, very
slow, a little creaky in a shell. How old is he four?
Because that's old for turtles. I checked on this the other day. Turtles
reach maturity at like fourteen. So I think unless unless he is like a
non traditional student, he went back to school, he would be a little
non traditional Keilonian has spent a lot of time wandering. Okay, because because
they reached adulthood at fifteen, So you are you are a middle aged okay,
right, I forget the gap year. That's a four years young.
They lived about sixty okay, yeah, yeah, so okay, so you
are you are a middle aged turtle superseding. So yeah, we all knew
that guy, all right, So anyway, your your joints. Nobody can
see this, but producer Nate just pointed to himself. So, yeah,
so you you stand up kind of creaky, pat the top of the chicken
coop. Angel there, did you go? Handling check? Handling check twenty
three? She hops right into the chicken coop and then looks up at you
like, okay, I'm ready, picks up the chicken coop, straps it
onto his shell, picks up his guitar, still holds it out in front
of him, plays a little bit as he's walking out of the garden.
I love this. So you're you're a strolling a troubadour. Pretty empty camp
at this point, because everybody is heading to graduation if they're not there already.
You are walking across this campus where you spent the last four years,
first through the botanical gardens and then back across the fields. I'm going to
roll this one for you so you don't have to stop playing. What is
your modifier for perception? It's five. So you notice as you're walking across
the field, this this large dog like being who you you recognize, You're
friendly with him. This is ruckus. Yes, So so do you do
you do anything when you see Ruckus as you're walking across. I play a
nice, nice g cord for Rucas, non natural turning perception, and so
Rucus Rucas drops the ball for a moment and notices you. Wo. I
was like hello, hello, and the ball just goes flying past Ruggus.
You continue walking, Ruggis, so do you interrupt the game? I'm gonna
say, I was like, no, hello, and I'll wave goodbye.
So long, Ruggus, You've been a get the graduation. Ruggus doesn't hear
that last bit because he's back to playing. So you're you're continuing. You
still past the athletic fields. You go across the courtyard around which most of
the college, the colleges, the dorms are are built, and you walk
past enchanted grounds. What was your plus five on perception? That's right.
You look in the glass and you see that the coffee shop is pretty empty
except for a small woman standing behind the counter furiously scribbling in her journal.
Do you stop in to say hello? Or do you keep going? Of
course I stop and say hello. That's my that's my clar okay, counter
interaction. Let's go black coffee on mug. Oh you know me so well?
Clorise, but I'm on my way to graduation. Well before you go,
I've got a few crumbs for Angel. Just get turned around and all
its submit there. He like sort of lifts the lid of the coop on
his back and leans like her back, and Clarice climbs onto the actual bar
the coffee counter in order to reach the height that is needed to drop some
bread crumbs in for Angel the chicken. Okay, Angel loves it, I
assume Jack twelve. She gladly accepts the crumbs, but doesn't really interact with
you. Okay, Yeah, a lot of bugs this morning in the garden,
but I'm sure she appreciates and bread crumbs as she always does. How
are you doing today, Cluise, Everything is awful. Thank you. Oh
that's my Cluise. You go rock that graduation man? Oh you bet you
do? You leave? I leave? Okay, so long, Luise.
You see you there by, black coffee on mug? Do you keep?
You keep walking toward Memorial Stadium. When you get to the door through which
the graduates are being are being funneled, you see somebody who knows you from
from the college, from uh, some classes that you've taken it's another fellow
Slavernian, small little gnome. It's always been just kind of present, not
really super interactive with anybody, but looks really pumped to be there today.
What I'm was like, hey, yeah, hey, you stomps. It's
a graduation day. Hey there, roll an intelligence chick to remember your name?
Ooh hey there nine intelligence chick. Hey there friend, Yeah, hey
there roller persuasion check to think that I remember your name twenty not a natural
not a natural one. Oh hey there you will, so good to see
you, stumps. Graduation such a big you wired out, wear your ropes.
Oh well, I'm glad to be here as well, but I'm going
to be staying right here. And he takes his takes the chicken coop off
of his back and sets it down right at a spot that is visible to
everyone going inside, but not in the way. Okay, uh, unknown
gnome that that would be a good band name for It's like, okay,
well bye. He just starts to go still lone and Julie the ceremony.
All right, so you are now setting up our first misconnection. What are
you setting up for? Well, I've sit, I set myself down,
and I pull out a little sign that says make love not war, and
puts it in front, puts it in front of his His guitar case is
leather, leather sort of more of a leather guitar satchel that a guitar fits
into. He puts it inside, and he just sits on down by the
side walk and starts playing a little song. Bring a speaker who speaks peace.
Turn your ear tenure, ear tenure ear, Bring a speaker who speaks
peace. Ten your ear tenure, ear tenure, hear old, time your
ear, turn your herd with the words that you hear. Bring a speaker
who speaks peace. Turn your ear tenure ear tenure ear rob a performance check.
I worked on that one. Under the Ginkgo Trees fourteen. A couple
of students kind of pause as they're coming into graduation and notice you. One
person tries to give you money, but notices that you don't have a hat
or your guitar case or anything set up, and just kind of like shrugs,
yes, can they give it to the chicken. Let's see, Okay,
if it's even, then yes. If it's odd, then it's odd.
So no, they do not give them money to the chicken. That's
fine. I'm out of here. It's been in love. So so nobody
actually like pauses to really engage with you, and they're all I feel like
I'm having a conversation with Bob Dylan right now. So they're they all like,
they look at you, they notice, some of them might like give
you a nod or something on the way end, but they're all going in,
why are you protesting? I'm protesting because they've chosen, at this wonderful
occasion to bring in Gideon storm Caller Overta's Acting Secretary of War as the commencements.
Now. I know we're not at war right now, but I think
it's really important on a momentous occasion such as today to know that there's other
paths to take besides war. And you know, people deserve right to speaks
to hear what you gotta say. But you know, sometimes at an occasion
like this, some voices don't get to be heard. And I want the
voice of peace loud and clear. Do you do you say any of that
out loud? I do? In between verses perfect The songs breakdown so coming
across the yard that it poses as the entrance to memorial stadium, you see
a familiar figure Andrik, you are running light. You have have you finally
got your robes on? At least? Yeah? Andrik has he's he had
to take off the sword, take off his duster, put the robe on,
strapped the sword around and is carrying his duster in his arms. Where's
the scroll? Uh? He tucked it actually, like in his back pocket.
Okay, do you roll me a perception check. That's gonna be a
twenty two. So as soon as you enter the vicinity, you you hear
this guitar playing, and you look across and you see your old friend Kilonian
Stumps. Do you approach him? Yes? Okay, who could resist?
I've been all those students. I don't know what the neil is. So
none of us have any ability to stay on task, is what I'm getting,
except for except for Corin, who is not trying to stay on task.
Okay, not today, Stumps. Why today? Come on? You
should celebrate with the rest andreck You, of all people, a man of
remembrance, should know that today is the best day. Why are you doing
this? Well, let me tell you I mentioned it a moment ago,
which weren't here. So do you just repeat the whole storm collar storm collar
piece, and you realize that secretary storm collar is one of the reasons you're
able to do what you're doing right now. Of course I know that,
but you know other people standing around might not. Why don't you tell him?
Yes, wisdom chat for me, just actually wisdom saving, throw wisdom
saving wisdom saving throw garbage. I gotta get more of this dice. Oh
boy, you're killing it. It's almost as if you've been so distracted by
preparing to be the Marshal today that you have forgotten why you're actually here.
By that, I assume that you mean because the because the end of the
war thirty years ago. Pacifism is a luxury. He turns and continues into
the ceremony grounds. Passifism is a gift. As ten you, ten you,
we just broke our producer. When you hear Stumps responding to you,
what do you do? I look back, I reach under the robe and
like just kind of like roll, like run my fingers over the scroll that
I'm holding. Do you turn or go back to stumps or do you continue
on? No? I I I hear, I hear stumps, but I
do not turn an acknowledge I'm I'm going I have a job to do.
Stumps, roll me a persuasion check eighteen Andrew rule me an insight check also
eighteen, were evenly matched? You are? You are very evenly matched,
best of three. So I'm gonna say with that tie, it's gonna go
to two Stumps here. So you pause as Stumps is playing this just long
enough to like really think about what he's saying. And then you hear from
inside the stadium with all speakers and presenters please report to the day as immediately
commencement is about to begin. Hendrick, here's that strides up his eyes just
kind of scanning, just seeing who from his family is around, if anyone.
So you have not quite entered the stadium yet. You're at you're near
the door where all of the graduates are meant to enter. But because you're
on you're going to be presenting from the stage, you are actually meant to
go around to the other to another door that's closer to the stage. Run
me a wisdom check nine. You don't remember that you're supposed to go through
a separate entrance. You're going to have to go through the entire graduated class
to get up to the dais where you're supposed to be. I do think
realizing that, I think it would actually scoot around the side, like is
this where, like you know, is there an island? There's a center
island? Yeah, he would do with the scoot around the side, and
then like, okay, so you wanted to see if you if you see
anybody from your family there? So families and friends are going to be seated
up in the stands. Roll me a perception check with disadvantage because there are
a lot of people there, you do not find yourself really able to make
out any faces in the crowd. You start to make your way to the
stage. As you begin to ascend the stairs, you notice that Belle is
standing just off the side of the stage with some of the other students from
from her dance troupe. Do you acknowledge Belle or any of the other dancers?
Could I interrupt and just say that Belle is and all that the dancers
are just passing around water bottles between them. Okay, all right? Are
the are the water bottles perhaps branded for either Flatley Hall or for your your
dance group, probably a mix and also for their jubilation festival, like It's
just they all were like, we will get any container of water and we
can get our hands on. So we're just we're just trying to keep from
bloating, so we don't fart during the dance. Performance is a very athletic
performance, and the costumes are not very forgiven. Andrew, when you see
just like how many people are are you with? I'm going to say like
a total of twelve. Okay, So when you when you see the dozen
dancers all like passing around water like their lives depend on it, how do
you react? I don't think I do it all. I think head down,
not your problem. So you you begin to ascend the stage. The
stage there except for like a quick glance when he sees that Monahan is a
mummy who's moving, says the audience, and also just the other camera here
is among the dancers. Okay, but you don't you don't acknowledge that was
rough? Okay, all right? Just does Monahan see you? I don't
know, does he? I don't, I don't have I don't know who
Monihan is. You've just introduced a new character to me, So welcome to
D and D. Monahand sees you lots of eyes with you as you're sending
the stairs, like a lot of siyes of you wat chugging water around the
glass like there there's just a look and turn and Okay, would Jane Austen
call it a cut direct? Yeah, all right, there's some tension there
of energy. I love it. I love it. As you was send
the stairs, you hear the Mage and Marshall band begin to play the College
song, and that's where we are going to finish. Episode one. Oops
All Bards is created, GMed, and directed by Gillian Ashley Blair Ivy.
This episode was produced, edited, and sound designed by Nate Runkle. Oops
All Bards stars Ashley Banks as bell Sernamio and Coleman as Clarice Sauerklown, Ross
Curry as Andrek Harrowhold, Chris Klinecki as Poochedin Ruckus, Bob Killian as Kilonian
Stumps, featuring Paige Clinecki as the voice of the bark Buttons. The Oops
All Bard's theme song is by Bob Killian with additional lyrics by Jillian Ashley Blair
Ivy. Oops All Bards is executive produced by the Porch Room. We are
part of the porch Room Network on spreaker Prime. For more information, visit
oopsalbards dot com. Thanks and be sure to subscribe to Oops all Bards on
Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or your podcatcher of choice. We'll see you next time.