Hey, there are any and debian's Junior Adventures and friends. Welcome to this
very very special zero Session zero. I can't even speak zero Session episode zero
of the Dicey Bastards. I'm MK Gibson, better known to y'all as Gibbie,
authors of such books as Techno Master, Shadow Master series, and a
few others. But that's not what we're here for. We're here for this
very special zero game. And with me today is just one member of friends,
just one member of the cast, because that's all we're gonna need for
today. Steve, go ahead introduce yourself. Hi there, I'm Steve Weverrell,
and I'll be playing Stan Dandyliver, professional folk hero to a value of
professional, giving his ignomious exit from Salty Best It's and I'm also authors as
books such as Brandon Phi Master and The Dude Cruise, the most recent addition
to the Brandon five Master Bodology. Got to check that out. And for
you people who are not English, that's thigh Master. Don't look up.
Don't look up with an F you'll never find it. That's th h thigh
Master. Sorry, Bud, I can't help it. Pick us. That's
fine. These people are going to be listening to me for this entire episode,
So get used to it. Get used to my way thutt and dust
sounds, and you gotta get used to my my, my jilted American Hugh
Grant stutter that I have AnyWho. Our goal for this new campaign is to
bring something special to you A and dB It's and Junior Adventures, not the
friends so much those you're for Robert Bevan, but we want you to know
it's the same A D content that you love. Just a slight twist.
This is a new beginning of a new campaign, something very special that we
been working on, and we can't wait to show you more. But first
of all, I don't want anybody to worry. Uh. This will of
course eventually devolve into your favorite crotch based humor and content. I have that,
I have no doubt whatsoever, no matter how falutin I try to put
on. These guys have a follute allergy and they will bring the crotch,
So let's not worry about that. I love that you're you're just wondering about
the poor listener just huddled by his old timey radio. But mother, they'll
still be Penis jokes right, mother, that's to be jokes. Don't worry
to you're A and D. They always do that. I like the ban
jokes, mother. Have I listened to the salty bassets? Everything was about
flesh and cock? Are we getting more of that? Aren't we? You
know? Oh? As I was telling Steve, I like to run things
as a straight man. Let them make the cock jokes. I will present
it in a normal fantasy fashion and let them fuck with it. Because when
everyone's a comedian, no one's a comedian. So my job is be the
straight man, all right, and we'll see you give me will get you
making some flesh. Don't worry, I've hidden stuff inside. Don't you worry
about me, Sarah? All right? Is everybody ready? By everybody?
I mean you, Steve? Oh specifically, I mean this is a love
pressure. Yes, yes, I'm right for it? All right? Name
greetings. I want to tell you a story, A story of great heroes,
warriors, warriors in their prime. I want to tell you the story
of living gods, gods among men, people who will do the right thing
because it's the right thing to do. Well. I can't trust me.
I would love nothing more than to regill you with the tales of an important,
amazing, virile man, a leader. But that's this tale. This
is the story of the world's greatest, has been and never will be William
Billy Snott a k Henry Henry Galahad, but known to the absolute worst people
of the realm as Stan Dandyliver. I'm not saying he's worthless, but dear
god, it's like watching It's like it's like I'm watching a taller discovering his
own penis and then shape just wagging it at every living thing that goes around.
It baffles me how bad this man is. It's just, yes,
what is going on here? Known to the worst people as stand Dandy Liver?
What is happening with the grammar in my head? Just you can hear
me? Oh oh minute, hello, I assumed you fought that. Get
Why are you being such a prick. It's very personal what you're saying?
Their voice in my head. Well, Stan, it's time we had a
talk. This is your conscience. We haven't spoken in a very very,
very very long time. Oh there's a reason for that. I don't need
you. I mean, it's you know, just I mean, look at
this image, Look at these image of these would be heroes ready to fight
a green dragon? And what have you done? You? Why am I
saying this? Am I still stoned? No, you're actually quite hungover from
the night before. But back to my point, like, do you always
wanted to be something? Stan? You wanted to be more than what you
are? You wanted to rise up from that little streeter and that you were
and become a hero of not just in your own mind, but in actual
reality. But what did you do? Hey, buddy? I was a
hero in actual reality? Like quite a few times your last several years of
life, you sailed around on the SS jack Off with the Masturbation Crew.
Do you remember that? It was like a murder robots and stone people and
little punching tiny men. It was disgusting. It was this Sometimes you rolled
a bad hand. I mean, you're old that you hang with. I
just I picked the bad crew. Oh you pull your head out of your
ass? Stand that was ungodly? You know? It seemed to stretch on
for years, even though it was only you felt like on like nineteen episodes,
but it felt like it went on forever. I know, Yes,
it did seem a lot longer than act the actual events of the adventure would
have you believe. But god, I'm still amazed you can hear me after
all this time. I've been talking to you forever saying, don't do that.
Stand yet you always did. I couldn't. Don't go left? And
sure, shit, that's the way you went. I hmmm, Hell,
I trust my inn a voice. It just don't know min in a voice
to be such a judgmental break. This isn it. What did I drink
last night? Well? I mean you say that you were once a great
folk here. Well since well, since you can hear me, let me
remind you it has been two years since the est till that. Those people
that we won't mention, you know, the jerk Off crew, And what
have you done since then? I'm sure we had an actual name. We
might have been the Jerkoff currct. I just put it in my head can
and that's what I called us, you know, since you know we're the
same person. I just I mean afford it, but I never said it
out loud. Well, of course, now you're not supposed to. Why
would you do that. What I'm saying, Stan is like, okay,
let me take you down a trip down memory lane. You got after,
after everything was over and the halls of flesh and your your friends went their
separate ways, you returned back to the land of Tottenshire, the quaint little
region where you grew up, quiet hamlets and sleepy villages, and along the
coast lies the town of Galahad where you hailed from. You had money in
your pocket, and what did you do? You lost it all? Do
you remember this? Stand you zoom back a little, Let's let the folks
see this like for you know, for those who outside of your mind you
might just be listening to this. I had a character sketch drawn of Stan
drunk in the street asking like he's saying that he would he would folk hero
for food or manhore when it's Frea's available, and you listen here voice,
there's a there's a reason I drank what I drank, and it certainly wasn't
to fucking remember shit, clearly, That's why I had this, this this
character sure commission of that particular night in the alleyway, Do you remember that?
To do that? I'm your conscious. You call me Connie. If
you need to call me anything clear something for it. Well, I'd call
you many things and yet you never never listen. I could go back to
that sweet, sweet ignorance. No, I have more in store for us
than that. Then what has come in the past? I Stan, we're
not getting any younger. I mean, just have you looked at ourselves recently?
That's true? Yeah? You know you know if people get a second
or sometimes a third chance in life. You're well past that, my friend,
You are well past that. I am a man known to take more
than his fair share of chances. All right? Who your little voice went
up on a little inflection there, or you're trying to impress me because it's
not working. You try to am I trying to impress a voice in my
own head? This is fucking drastic, isn't it. You're trying to impress
your Stan. It's time we take a swim in lake you and really get
to the court. It sounds a baited on hygiene. It you want unhygienic
folks, as I would saying, this is the tailor stand and deliver once
up and coming folk. Hero, he turned a lord. Now he's an
aged jake. You talk, You know I became my friend. You want
to talk about unhygienic Stan. I want to let you know the sun is
about to rise in the little town of Tottenshire. Oh god. And normally
this is where I would do the cock a doodle doo of a crow.
But well, let's just say that at the end of the street of Mud
by two two tooth hook two tooth hooker Alley lies a a particular bar known
as the castrated Ram. And instead of the cockadoodle do you get to wake
up to the sound there we are, the sound of two fat too fat
rats fucking that is, that's what we woke up to. Welcome back to
Welcome to consciousness, Stan, welcome to your room. Ah well, now
I got rat to as last night. But this is ridiculous, Bill,
Yes, love, I suppose the castrated Ram, known as the third best
uh known as the third best tavern all of Galahad. Well, unfortunately there
are only three taverns in all of Galahad. And again, yours is at
the end of the street of Mud and two tooth, two tooth I can't
even that's a hard one to say. Two tooth hooker Alley, two tooth
hooker Alley. Yes, yeah, yes. If you wind up in two
tooth hooker Alley, I mean, at the end of a Saturday night,
you ideally want to be on five tooth hooker alley like one can only imagine.
And it is here where the story not begins, just continues for our
friends stand in, not even the beginning. It is rue above the castrated
ram brothel and tavern. It is the crack of dawn, and Stan is
terribly hungover. As I said, there's no rooster effects, just the sweet,
sweet thumping, rhythmic thumping of two fat rats going to town stand.
The stage is yours. How do your feeling well? At least somebody's getting
made. Yeah? And uh? And am I feeling this? This floor
space not kind? On the on the back, Needa touched stretch up a
bit. See if I can do the without feeling weird in front of it.
I feel like I'm interrupting these rats and maybe I should just stand still
for a while until they finished. It's got some staying pal Oh yes,
I mean that's I don't want to tell you how long they've been going at
it, but I mean, let's just say you were used us as a
prop for a period of time. Oh well, unconsciousness has its advantages that
there is that is true. I'm glad that to the myriad of stains.
Yes there, Yes, that mattress has seen better days. I'm glad you've
got that outside of the now from me, it hasn't No, no,
I mean, well, question for you, Stan, would you like to
actually stay in your room or you'd like to go downstairs and take in the
splendor that is your bar and tavern. You know, the top rat keeps
looking at me. I'm ah, it's time for a drink. I don't
know what time it is, It's time for a fucking drink. It's the
crack of dawn, I've said on multiple occasions, crack at dawn sunset.
Who cares? Oh yeah, sure, it's it's drink time somewhere for someone.
All right, would you like to go downstairs and to just to be
a dick? Stand before we go downstairs? How much? Can you please
go to the window. I want you to go to your window? Would
you do that for me? For your conscience? Well, you've said nothing
that I enjoy so far, So yeah, why not look out the window?
There we are, Stan, look out the window. Oh yeah,
that's where you used to live. Do you remember that stand? And why
did I pick this room. It seems like I'm trying to annoy myself.
Did you pick this room? Voice in my head? Why don't you like
to minimize your screen just as slightly or just zoom a little less so that
the video phones can see? Yes, video fight? What the fuck are
you talking about? It's the wave of the future. Stand here, I
have a move you up a little bit. There you are, there,
you go, buddy, take it all in. Tell me, tell your
conscience what it was like when you were once a lord. You know what
conscience? You and I both know that was a different time, and it
wasn't Stan Dan Deliver and was a different man. He's gone now and whoever's
living in that place now, Wow, let's just hope it's not as empty
as it was. Speaking of empty, you hear two rats, grunts and
satisfied frustration there, one fall on top of the other. The female looks
a little disappointed but appreciates the effort. I'm sure he's a female. Oh
okay, who am I to judged? If you want to pick up we
can check the plumbing if you like. I'm not I did. I wasn't
paying that close attention. Love is love, Love that is true, sir.
Love is love? All right, why don't we just go downstairs for
a little bit. Oh, you rats, you think you've you think you're
happy now in your honeymoon period. Let me tell you. One of these
days one of you is gonna die and then you'll just be a rat by
yourself in the shitty room. Actually, now I suppose I think about it.
It's room probably quite nice for you. Do you want to do an
elaborate stand because it feels like we're this close to a breakthrough. Which would
you like to go a little further. I'm not interested in a breakthrough.
I'm interested in a drink, maybe a morning a breakfast cocktail. I'm sure
they have plenty of that downstairs. All right, You waded down the room.
You wander down the stairs, bumping and bumping along all the uh the
wood, the water swollen wood, and you make your way down to the
common room of the castrated ram UH. Three of your old reliables are standing
by Rosy cheeks. She's the misters, she's your lead mistress of the uh
of the brothel that works a couple of rooms. All the other rooms upstairs
pretty much the rooms were rents for the hour, and she's she's your chief
of all that business, Trudy, good night. She is both your cook
and your bouncer. If Trudy the retired barbarian ever has to come out of
the back of the kitchen and stop cooking, it means bad times for somebody.
Now. You inherited both of these people when you won this won this
bar in a game of cards from your good old Willie peat the drunk dwarf
who's passed out on top of the table who wants a powerful, powerful mage
uh and fire fire magic specialist. Nowadays he is uh, well, he's
in worse shape than you are, which that's why he often spends most of
his days and nights at the bar that he used to own, drinking up
half your profits, uh, trying to score the hookers and sleeping on the
tables. And that's where you see your your amazing crew of patrons have worked
for you. That's what I love about the wolves. They're stubborn so that
they are always true for the words, and they you formally shit at cots.
Oh fuck you, Willie Pete Saysing, rolls back over, looking remarkably
like John Hartness. No, yeah, I've had some bad cruise in my
time and some bad layers. But you know what, you guys ain't the
West. Trudy good night. Gives you a look, and then like slaps
down some breakfast ham and sauce, because this about the time you normally like
stumble awake in your hangover stupid from the nights before. She doesn't say much,
but she slams down what appears to be a mead whiskey concoctious. She
cracks an egg into it, and some breakfast potatoes, ham and eggs as
well on a steaming plate. Rosie is just kind of saying a good night
to the girls who are like now wandering up the streets. Some of them
are working to work double shifts at other brothels, and she is some hot
oh the hard worker. And guys don't worry, you know, yeah,
the castrated ram. All are welcome and all pleasures are available, but mostly
guys just get it for free when it's because let's be real, thank you,
Trudy, I shall let's just scrape all the breakfast into the booze and
stare it around with my dagg oh my god. All right, so you
drink slash chew your way through your meal. Rosie, good morning to you.
If I were a younger man, you'd be in trouble haha. But
I'm not. My my penis does not we Oh, if you were younger.
If you were a younger man, I would charge a double sure,
probably. Well that's because you're not drunk yet, and I certainly am going
to be quite soon. Well, unless you need me else, Unless you
need me for the rest of the day, I will head back to my
place and I'll be back for tonight per usual, where I'm again underpaid understaff.
Oh, Aunt, Wail and Darling. We don't have enough goose fat
for the for lubrication. I've asked you to put it in order for that
many times. Now I shall find the fattest goose for your lubrication. Trust
me, look at me. I'm awake, I'm up, bright, and
I'm going to get shit done today. Do you worry about the rosy Darling
A big fat goose for you. Okay, we'll see about that, and
I'm just gonna minimize here. She's she's uh, Rosie's on her way out.
So Rosie Rosie leaves. Trudy sits down in the chair opposite you and
watches you chew drink all the work she just put into it. And have
you ever seen like one of those like old like image, Like you ever
see one of those photos of like those old old Russian women who look like
they can like bench press an a tire salt mine kind of like that.
She is stout, she is thick, she is plumped, she is strong
and u She's watching you waste all the food that she spent the morning making
and put it into your beer. And she doesn't look happy. Now,
truly, you may think I'm wasting this food, but what you don't realize
is I'm making an invigorating potion of wake the fuck up. She kind of
grunts at you, takes the cup from your hand, takes a little sipping
at you herself, shrugs a little bit, and passes it back over to
you. Trust me, Trust me, truly, I've learned a few things
in my time. And not to disparate your talents in any way, but
sometimes name seven expedience is the name seven things you've learned in your time?
I have a hangover. Well, I've just learned that the rats are apparently
very considerate lovers. She knows about that. That's number one. Number two,
Rosie think she's a lot hotter than she is. Trust me, when
I was a young man, she be all over me. Don't worry about
that. Oh yeah, she's a. She's totally all. She's a.
She's this town's version of anath. But like you know, like some other
cities we've both been around. We know this school that's not burst her bubble.
No. I like her confidence and her work ethic. You know she's
skimming off the top, right, Well, that's what she gets paid for,
if you know what I mean. It's a cock jake, it's a
blow job jake. Number three. Never partner her up with an insane robot.
That's another thing I've learned. Just generally, don't trust AI to get
the job done. It eliminates the human element. Things get very complicated,
very quickly. True, it looks like she's actually taking notes on this,
like not physical notes, but you can see she's there's mentally jotting all this
down in her head. Never pay a gnome to be your personal bodyguard.
They don't give a shit. They've got a very limited worldview on doing ship
for money. They don't get Let me see what else have I learned.
I've realized that I've just there's a lot I've learned in the last couple of
years from one very specific group of fox. As I called on the SS
check off, Connie saysing your voice says nice, use me the Connie's voice,
conscious voice saying your head, Trudy, it's been a very long evening.
Are you hearing a annoying voice that isn't mine? Looks over at Willie
Pete, who grumbles, farts and rolls back over on the table. She
gives a kind of shrug. Hmm, it's probably dementia. Fuck. I
was hoping for at least another couple of years before that rolled in. Oh,
I'm not going anywhere, Stan, I'm I'm here for quite some time.
Don't you worry about that? Not, but just for my curiosity,
would you'd be so kindness to roll me a perception check. Perception check,
it is not it's not hard to notice for a hangover. That's not bad.
No, that's actually pretty good, especially considering that they hangover. Uh.
There is one spection of your bar, and it's a little bit nicer
than others. But there is a gentleman sitting there that is way too well
dressed for this establishment. This. He is sitting there quietly to himself,
sipping what appears to be water and having a small meal. Chrudy looks over
at him, gives you the thumb, like we showed up just before dawn,
and then she goes in back into the Uh. Judy goes into the
back of the kitchen and starts preparing for the morning lunch. Excuse me,
the morning breakfast runch, breakfast rush and lunch runch. I can't speak today.
Brunch. She's gonna crush, She's gonna she's gonna start, she's gonna
start the brunch. Ready for the brunch crunch, Yeah, ready for the
brunch crunch. And yeah, So there's a there is a very fine dressed
gentleman sitting off in the corner of the bar on his own. And you
are now left with just Woollie Pete, who still is past the fuck out
on one of the bar tops. Hmmm, now how hungover his stem?
Look, give me a constitution check. Let's just see how careless he is.
Natural one, Everything that you were eating and drinking and everything at once
kind of all of a sudden, just comes up all at once. It
is. It's a trudy. Did that fella leave his neighbor? Yeah,
a viscous torrent of all the goods from the night before and the chunky remains
of everything you just chewed up and swallowed what she warned you out to do.
Uh, comes up all over the bar top, under your pants,
onto the floor, and you're in no shape to go talk to this fine
gentleman just yet. Would you like to go out back into the alleyway and
wash yourself? Wash yourself from the horse trough? Well, I did say
it was an expedient breakfast. That is true both ways. Apparently, Yes,
Dan will take a walk and not just but I think now he's probably
sobered up a little bit now that he's peeped up everything in his system.
Yeah, the gentleman that is in the corner catches your rye and he kind
of gives you to look up and down. It's like you get the feeling
like it's not the time just yet he wants to talk to you. That's
that much as obvious. But why don't you step out into the back of
a two tooth hook a alley and clean yourself off a little bit. We'll
do that and you'll keep a wary eye. This is all right. Nobody's
looked for Stan in a while. This is an unusual situation, very much,
so I don't blame you at all. Do you want to call it
to Trudy and see if she'll come clean up the vomit? Trudy, don't
look at the bar. You hear this sigh? Give me a what's I
can't imagine Cherdy's going to be very pleasing. Oh, I'm trying to think
of the best check for this. Uh, for give me a persuasion role,
persuasion. Here we go. Every figure is absolutely fine out here.
Don't be angry with me for any reason, Tata. You hear the sound
of familiar sound of mop bucket and everything coming at once. Because I hate
to say, the standard is your gun as your conscience? This is well,
this is not the first time. In fact, this is kind of
the status quo for a has been such as ourselves every day a new adventure.
As Stan walks back out of the back of the castrated ram, he
steps into the backside of two tooth hook a rally. Much to surprise,
it is he's not the only one washing himself off after a hard night of
work. Hook A Rally is renowned for many things, mostly hookers, mostly
for being an alley. Uh. You look about it. All the hookers
are doing their morning horse bats, doing exactly that horse trobs, washing buckets,
cleaning themselves off. They're all their fun other bits, had hard night's
work with a few coins jingling here about, and they all look at you
and you get the kind of like wave of only old friends can give stand.
Stand Hey, Stan, stand, what's up? Stan, gentlemen?
Never day night? Mm hmm uh you know it hard all the way and
the two guys high five. Yeah. The girls rolled their eyes like like
even boys, even boy hookers are still boys. That's right. Ah.
What is everybody feeling refreshed this morning on this riveed, dewey morning? Awi,
feeling not so sticky as we once did. My asshole's killing me,
chuir, Well, you know, enjoy it while you're young, my friends,
some in some time, your asshole will be killing you for no reason,
not even any of the good butts. One of the others on the
bucks and blondes your left here, she's gonna give you a look. She's
like, does everything okay? Stand using a little down Oh, I suppose
everything's okay, except that my life trajectory is not really turned out how I
wanted to be. Not doing much folk he rowing at a minute, more
just like not even fuck he rowing. Just this other hooker who looks a
lot like Holly but is actually her sister. Molly works at a competing brothel.
It's a big, longest thing. Molly comes up, she's Staniel.
How are you What do you mean you like didn't work out? Tell me
about it, honey, Well, i'd uh, you know, I used
to be pretty good and I thought I could just maybe be pretty good again,
and it turns out it's a lot harder than I was imagining. I
mean, I'll be honest, you've been okay, I mean I've had far
worse. Oh, I'm not talking about that sort of thing. I like
a silver fox, you know, and it's you know, I like it
takes a little bit extra effort to, you know, get the Paul raise.
If you don't, if you don't mind, you are very patient,
and I do appreciate that. Darling. Oh, you're welcome, but uh
no, that's not what I'm talking about. I mean there used to be
a time, I mean, put it this way. This whole land is
filled with wizards and warlocks. All the hookers are coming into your listen to
your story because now they're invested. And all these magical bastards, some of
them favored by the gods with unspeakable power, but most people are well,
I like to call them non powerful chaps m And you know what they're the
people like you, guys. They make the world go around. They do
their jobs, they pay their taxes, and at the end of a hard
day, they like to sit round the fire and listen to inspiring tales.
And you know, stand Dandyliver he used to be one of those. This
is going very well, Staniel. They are eating up every word that you're
saying. Look at them. I mean, I bet you, I bet
you we could get how much money do we have on us? What do
you get a several week? It's not about the money voice, this is
what we used to do. We used to I say it that out yet
exactly And they all kind of look around like here's the thing they're used At
this point, You're you're cute, you know, like you've reached that age
where you're you're at a certain age. To them, anyway that you can
legally steal whatever you want fart and no one would care, and you're you're
that cute old man, and it kind of hurts. It kind of hurts
a lot. Actually, Uh, it's like, yeah, there's one or
two that's still like a grandpa chaser, but mostly they just kind of see
you as the grandpa. So mm hmm, I see this in their eyes.
It's the point I'm making, guys, is a girls, ladies in
between. I don't know. Perhaps I'm just being silly, but you can
all be whatever you want to be. I suppose, Oh Stan, you're
not. You're not being silly. I mean you're you. We've heard you
drunken stories we know, we know all about like some oh I do not
remember those? Sorry, Oh well, you do like to drink and talk
about the good old days, a folk heroing, carving your own name into
your wanted posters and you know it kind of is uh, there's a pretty
cool move of mine. Actually, yes, those are the days. One
of the one of the hookers is who still has a cut on or two
on her ours, like please don't yeah, carriedter that was supposed to miss
That was just just supposed to get the shirt and not sky you. I
think I've apologized for that already. Let's know you you you have. It's
just the memory is still fresh, and you know, so is in it,
you know, and so is the wounds. So like that it's looking
a little bit great, but you know, you you still have it.
I mean, we don't mean to be weird about this, and all the
hookers kind of look at each other and all not and like, listen,
we kind of look up to you. You know, you you you came
back to where you're from. Like it's like it's like one of those fish
that like I've heard stories of fish that like they go downstream to live their
life and they come back to spawn and die. And that's what you are.
You're like that old fish to us. And you know, it's kind
of like, you know, you've been out and you've seen the world.
Now you've come back, and that's that's kind of like an inspiring story for
us. And as as far as your conscious is concerned, that's fucking horrible.
That's not what we want, that is at all. I've heard of
those fish of them get eaten by bears. You know, there's two ways
that turns out, if you get lady, you get eaten by a bear.
I didn't I didn't know that part. Oh wow, but okay,
so one of the other great odds, No, uh, Trudy comes over
and she's like, I don't know what I named her. I just called
Trudy. Trudy says, but you know, you might have it in you
again, like just okay for just for example, just I mean a couple
of Trudy my dialing, pay your cards right, and you might have it
in you again. Ha ha, still got it? Hi five the guys
in the back high five. Oh yes, I still hurts. But uh,
she's true. He's like, but you know, just about a couple
of hours before dawn, this really weird guy came walking through hook A rally
and he was specifically looking for you. So we pointed the way. You
know, so clearly you're getting attention of people who were higher up than will
ever be. You know. Uh, he's kind of hard to miss.
Gentleman, dresses very fancy and he kind of has glowing red eyes. Well
coomea Katsaso because it seems like I've got a tail on me. Uh yeah,
I'm sorry about that. But you know I told him exactly where you
were, I mean like literally the like down to the because again the wound
is still fresh. And you know, I know you apologize, but this
is what we call turn about. So I see, Okay, yes,
well none of this boats particularly well. I made a lot of n He's
in my old life and uh ah hell, probably best just to go mad
and purely for nostalgias sake. Well, do you want to wash the vomit
off yourself first? Because you look horrible? Ah nah, fuck it?
Okay, I'm not budging into his living room. You know that's a the
standard. I agree that is a very fair assessment. She goes meet with
a strange, stranger amount of strangerton. Let's do it, voice in my
head, and if it be deaf, fuck them, that's right, fuck
them. We can make something of ourselves. I believe in it. All
right. You go back inside your bar, the floors it's cleaned up.
I mean tell you what. Uh your staff knows what you do, so
they took care of it. Lickety split. All right. You walk into
the actual nice section of your bar, and there sits a man and I
will blow him up for the screen for the fans at home who are watching
on the youtubes. Do you on the audio? Sorry, you don't get
to see what I'll describe him to you, Father of the mind. There's
a gentleman who's approximately six feet tall, maybe six foot two. He's got
tannish brown skin, fiery red. His hair. It's dark, but actually
the highlights are kind of like an orange red. And it's not just he
has right here. They literally like it is fire like inside of his eyes.
Two small embers of flame crackle and dance. He has a very he
is very well dressed. He has a like a purplelish gentleman's coat and waistcoat
on and a jacket matching slacks. And he's sitting there in the sitting in
the chair, drumming his fingers. When he sees you coming, he stands
up and offers you his hands. Hello there, my name is Jovann Heidelreich.
At your soface and he clicks his heels together. Hiday yea Evan.
If you think you're the first enigmatic man of gloing eyes to track me down,
I'm afraid your part of a long line of enigmatic men. But how
do you do anyway? I am will so, how are you? It's
this is a nice establishment. Uh so, I know if you click out,
if you click anywhere in the map, it'll take. It'll take that
zoom. Don't have to excuse me. I'm covered in vomit. This is
just uh, I've watched I know Yovann watched you soil yourself while you were
talking to your stuff. There. It's a morning routine. It's keeps me
young, detoxifying. I believe they call it. I perhaps that isn't in
this country. Maybe I sure. Let's say yes, yes, let's say
yes, yes, I think so. If you don't mind, mister Dandeliver,
I beg a moment of your time. Oh no, need to beg,
fellow, you can just borrow it. I Yovann sees what you do
there. That very clever. Your Yovann approves, I think, sir.
Uh, everything you're getting off the vibe. If you want to do an
insight roll, you can see you know what you're picking up fro him,
because he's definitely putting down a charming fellow. But whether or not you believe
it, and that's up to you. So you want to give me an
insight role, let's do it. Natural twenty. Actually, all right,
so charming fellow, I'm afraid I got that covid get William. There's nothing
menacing about him other than the fact that he has glowing fiery eyes. He
is dressed in a purple suit, and everything about his character screams villa.
But other than that, he seems affable and actually generally pleased to see you.
He seems he seems like everything he's saying right now seems to be on
the up and up. Hmm, but that is kind of like a villain
trait perhaps, Uh, you want to give me a do your favorite give
me a h either give me a history or arcanum, which everyone is Uh
you're better at mm hmmm. I don't think I'm particularly gray even let me
see or general intelligence role that'll work as well. Make I should be better
at that, but we'll see eighteen Holy shit, Oh oh you did a
saving throw. It doesn't matter. What you're seeing before you is a fire
Jenasi. The Genasis are people who are can trace their lineage back to actual
gin and genies, uh one for each of the elements. Fire Genazis oftentimes
appear to have like fiery hair, fiery eyes. You know anywhere the skin
between tanntaish ruddish to brown to almost to krispy black just depends on the particular
where they come from. And this gentleman sitting before you is in fact a
fire Jenasi. All right, well, was that having pissed off one of
them recently? So this is more relaxed. Oh yes, please, Yovan
wishes to sit down, would you? Because to sit down and have a
quick chat with me. I have a business proposition for mister dandy liver,
which is you aha, Yovan joke. I appreciate the joke, Yohan,
Uh, my business proposition. I wish i'd worn my non vomiting business pants.
But sure, let's talk turkey. I'm sure. I'm sure the hookers
in back alley will wash you off for small fee. They certainly will.
But I can wait till the afternoon tea time as you wish, sir,
As I said, my name is Jova and Heidelrich. I am representing a
patron of sorts, Lady Slazenya. We come from the island of the island
country to the south. No distract them. Have you ever heard of it?
Had off? Never been, always been a little bit out of the
way of my patch. Yes it is. You know, you travel to
the south of this continent and then you sail additional week. It's at the
at the sail of the water and opens and then the downs, and then
you get to h then you get to stract them. The island nations,
some places called birth of monsters. But it's actually a very lovely country,
very beautiful. I've had one of those things to be true. Yes,
you just you have a lot of proofs if you are interested. We have
business proposition. We are looking for a man who knows how to get things
done quietly, perhaps not necessarily legally, which is why we tend to haunt
back alley bars and brothels. But whenever someone who is not as you know,
normal people say, normal people who have jobs and taxes. You know,
Yes, Jovann was listening. I'm a sneaky met the non powerful chaps.
Yeah, I know what you mean. But it's not often powerful chaps
end up in He looks around the cash rated ram like places like these.
Normally they have big adventures and they get money and they raid the dungeons and
then they get the they get the fame, the fortune and all the vagina
and Wang that they wish, and now you have paid for Vagina and Wang.
Well, yeah, I've done all that. You're looking for an infiltration
man of some kind. Yeah, yes, Now, to be fair,
you're not only one. Jovanne and crew on behalf of the ladies Lagena has.
We've made offer too many people, So don't think you are special.
Yes, obviously lovely. I love it, but you're not. Only cruel
is not have out there? You know? We want a job done and
the first person who gets the job gets the money. Hmmm. Sounds like
you're offering to pay me in exposure. No, actually, play you fifty
thousand gold if you get job done. M joke's on you. I would
have taken the exposure, but fifty thousand gold seems fair. It's two fair
well, regardless of tell me a little more about a job, all right,
if you are interested. Now, once Yovann begins to tell you to
tell you the job, you are either in or you are out. So
this is cash. Twenty two and a half. My friend Stan looks around
at the farting dwarf and the vomit on his trousers, and he's collapsing.
By yes, I mean all right, he sits, He sits, he
gets really adjusted into his seat and the steeples his fingers. The job is
simple. We would like you and a crew of your choosing. You know,
how you split the money is your business. You lie to them,
say hey five gold, I don't care, you keep the rest of yourself.
I Jovan does not care. But we want you to travel to strack
them. Uh, they're the first city on the edge is a northern port
known as black Old Gulch. It is a well represented, respected and idealic
location for the affluent up at the up at, these rich people with money
and tourists. It's beautiful place. It truly is nice. Once you are
there. We want you to locate the villa of Ivan van Arstlach. Well,
he is not the mayor Ursloch Ivan van Lock, I think with losing
something in translation. It's his name Ivan van Arslock, Slock. H Okay,
if you say sir, if you're making joke, Ivan is on it
right over my fiery head. It's fine. Osloch's probably a very normal name
by yopra. Well, my name is Jovann Heidelreich. So yes, Arslock,
he's a very it's I mean he's this is not the point. Arsloch
is considered not the mayor of Blago Gulch, but he is a very influential
man, a very vastly wealthy man, philanthropist. He's the kind of guy
who has so much money he gives it to the poor. He spits.
But Slock is not without the hubris. He allows a guide of tours to
see his various treasures and artifacts he's collected over his adventuring career. M hmm,
ple say what sounds like fully to me? But he said, parlay.
I saw the pirate hat and I thought, he said, parlay.
Okay, well what we are doing right with a landlock? Cry now?
But your hat says differently, sir, Well it's a nice hat. It
is beautiful. I like it. Your haberdasher, I need I need their
contact information? Oh they died. Oh that's sad for the appadasher. It
is that. Yeah, everybody dies. It's fucking annoying. Oh do you
need a drink? You look sad? Ah, yes, the bove of
those. It's my boss. Stop offering me a drink, all right.
Your mission is to infiltrate the villa of Ivan von Arstloch and steal one specific
treasure from his vault, infult steal its treasure. Again, you're making jokes
that Ivan does not understand. But yes, but I'm enjoying myself. That's
the important carry on. But anyway, Ah, it is called the tooth
of Tiamat hmm, reportedly a dragon tooth from the great dragon Tiamat herself.
Now it is true or not true, we don't know, but we want
it now. Now I can see why. Once you have a tooth of
Tmat, you would then travel inland deeper into the capital of Stractum, known
as Zelengrad. It's a huge city on the banks of Verat, which is
a gigantic, great lake right in the middle of a whole bucking island.
That's huge. All right. You will bring the tooth of Tmat to Lady
Lazaga at her mansion, whereupon you will be originally awarded with fifty thousand gold
plus bonuses if it's done any quickly, because there is ticking clock. As
you may know that today is the summer solstice, longest day of the year,
six months from now. I definitely know that, yes, there's no
the spell of Hot Hot Rat fucking in the morning. It's it's disgusting.
It's this heat of this country. Doesn't that I did wonder why it was
so amorous. They explains a lot of the answer. Six months from now
in our in our country is known as the Festival of Heroes. It's a
huge celebration for all the adventurers and travelers and the magic your magic men type,
you know, you're those with power. Uh, every every year on
the winter solstice. Is not this story? Not to distreet I got hepatitis.
Yes, well you will get that. You build up an immunity eventually.
Oh that's that's disheartening on many many levels. Yourv is quite sad.
All right, So Festival of Heroes is in six months, so you have
to get the tooth and get it back to Ladies Lagenia prior to that city
of xele Festival Heroes. Well, I'm not going to, do you understand?
Do you understand? Well, I understand what he told me. I'm
not giving a FOD for the implications because actually I'm quite giddy. This sounds
exactly like what I need to get my name back on the map. Oh,
if you pull this off, no one will ever ever, not know
the name of Standandy Liver. Hmm, well, I thought that once a
long time ago. It turns out people have got fickle memories or they die.
But this sounds like a doozy festival of heroes, a toof of a
dragon, a crew, a new crew, hopefully when not filled with assholes.
Speaking of crew, I will of course need a generous upfront parent payment
so I can recruit. I only need the finest minions. Oh of course,
he knowing this ahead of time. He pulls out a palch and drops
it in front of you inside if you feel free to count it all in
platinum are is approximately one thousand goal pieces worth of platinum. Hm. Stan
will stand with that thing where he's clearly containing an emotion that he doesn't want
to show direction. Yeah, yes, the table will move, but Stan's
face wearing an impressive is the table lifting? Is? Your tables are wobbly
here? You might want to put napkin under the edge so it doesn't make
the wibble wobble. Yes, tell me, my friend, did you ever
hear of the Duke of Cockinshire? Is that one of the hookers down the
street. I think I saw him. He's completely but the painful asshole.
No, it's well, it's a small duchy. But in between two very
vital trade utes and the duke himself he used to throw lavish parties. He
was very vain man. This was back in my heyday when I used to
masquerade as an aristocrat so I could pick better targets to rob. That's how
I met my wife, actually, but it's a different story anyway. So
one of these parties and this asshole, who was treading quite fiercely on the
necks of his subjects, he just, for no reason at all, a
proper of nothing unveils a gold Lifestyles statue of himself just in the middle of
the party. Everybody applause. Do you know what I did? He takes
out his pocket watch, looks at as like you're going to finish the story
up faster than forget the appatitis. You've already got a hepatitis friend, and
says, no getting away from that. I'm trying to make a point.
You're one. Sorry, I am bad listener, all right, can continue
your story of gold, of tales of youth gone by. I will thank
you. Well, most people they'd say they'd steal it. But if you
steal it. All that that Good's got to do is harassed the villagers start
kick down their doors until he finds the statue. So what I did is
I broke in that very night with an ink and a pen and I drew
a big old cock on that statue's face. Now you might say that's a
little bit childish, a little bit childish, and he's just got to wipe
it off, and he did. But then I broke in the next night,
did the same again, and the night after that and the night after
that, and this duke was hiring in new guards, tearing his hair out,
putting this statue in all kinds of new secure places so he could find
who kept drawing a big old penis on it. But he never did,
and I kept on doing it. And do you know what happened to him?
He lost his fucking mind. And last I heard, the Council of
Elders had taken over that duchy and they're doing pretty well. The point I'm
trying to make is stealing a gold statue fucking level one shit, stealing somebody's
sanity. That takes talent. So yes, Jovan emits his amazing story,
if even remotely through because the amount of times you have to break in and
the guards and how many times the infiltration. It's full of shit, is
what I'm smelling. And besides, we need level one. I don't need
you to draw a dick onto the tooth of tamount. I need you to
steal you actual tooth of Tamat. Ah. Yeah, I mean it sounds
pretty straightforward. The point I'm trying to make is that level of skill.
Maybe another one of these pouches. No, you you get the one pouch
that that is. That is Oh well, I tried. If you want
to give him a persuasion role, if you here's the thing, give him.
Give me a persuasion role DC twenty. Okay, persuasion. Let's do
this thirteen to let down so you wasted it earlier. No, it's a
good story, and I believe you might actually be of I tell you what,
miss our Dandie Liver. I will not give you another pouch of gold,
my bad, but I will give you my thumbs up because of all
the reprobates that I that Giovan has met your favorites. So I am wishing
you the best. Remember first team to actually bring Tooth of Tamat to ladies.
Lagenia gets the rest of the money. Otherwise we send people down to
track you down to take our thousand cold back. Good luck, we would
be watched to you. Yes, I'm going to support to realize that while
he's been talking, that pouch has disappeared really quickly. Oh, I'm sure
good. I'm going to go find apothecary to clear myself of all venarial diseases
that are clearly airborne and mutating. Uh this, I can feel chlamythia in
my throat, so you gets Yeah, they kind of scratch that out every
night. Really, I I Giovanna's sad for you. He stands up and
straightens the lines of his suit buttons his jacket. I wish you will,
mister Dan deliver six months festival heroes. Make sure you are there, and
you be sure to recruit good team because uh, miss Ivan van arst locks.
Uh well, he seems a good man and lets people see his his
treasures. They are well guarded, and uh we're going You're going to need
some ingenuity and some amazing feats of skill to make away with tooth of damatt.
I wish you well. He stands up, clits his heels together and
gives you a slight bow. Oh good to me, you fella. Uh
yeah, don't worry about me getting a good crew. I'm sure I'll put
together the finest band of red crepates its kingdom has ever seen. We're going
to make some fricking legends, my friend. I'm excited. I can almost
feel my penis again. Right, I think it's driving into wooden table.
Trudy Rosie, Uh, fetch me some clean trousers. Stand Andy Levin rides
again, I say, Staniel, that feels rather fortuitous, don't you think?
Oh you again. I'm not going anywhere now. Are you kidding me?
That erection was all me? Baby? Oh well you've made that.
We had quite a lot. But but but my hands never talked back to
me and made it weird. He made it with But I've had less,
you know, prickish voices in my head. I'm sure, yes, I've
killed most of them and absorbed them. It's kind of how twin. He's
still the twin to become the only child that is me. I you know,
I've taken your fear. You're loathing, your regrets, you know,
self doubt, and I'm just we're all like Legion or we are many and
I am all of them. Now I'm not going anywhere because I have Listen,
you little fuck I've worked my ass off to get you to where you
are, and you fell from grace. This is our last shot. So
Connie, the conscience is with you. Are you tracking me? Are you
do you hear me? I will come out of you and fuck you up.
I'm not really sure this is how conscious conscious is supposed to work,
but we're on the same page. Fellow, Oh yes, yes, Now
we're gonna we are going to need a crew. Absolutely. The final chapter
of Stand Handy Liver is not going to be that rather embarrassing Fiasca. First
of all, need I hate to say it, as much as I'm on
the side of the non powerful chaps, We're gonna need at least one magic
user, and I think I know just a fellow to service that need.
No no, come on, this certainly does be someone better than him.
I don't know what to say. It just he discussed me in every way,
and his magic attacks aren't erratic, but I don't know he's got style.
He is magical, that is true, and that's what we want right
style Wherever you go, people seem to like him. I cannot, for
the life of me, I cannot figure this out. This is not just
about finding a crew to take a dragon to founder someone's ass. This is
out about building a story, something that's going to last this time. Well,
do we even know where he's at. It's been two years. If
I know anything about Jowser or the Sorcerer, keeping a low profile is not
his forte. That is true, That is true. What he did he
I thought he ran off with the ugly woman. Well, yeah, that
sounds like her problem. Well whatever comes our away will definitely be fraught with
danger, because well, let's not use that language. We are going after
Josser, all right, ft was semen You're correct. I meant whatever comes
our wife. And again we're on the same page. Oh I see what
you did there? Well done, still got it. And all the time
Stan is saying this, like the rest of the bars. Yeah, there
by the way, Willie Pete has rolled over. He's just when watching you
talk to yourself this entire time. Trudy doesn't, she's she's in the back
in the kitchen. But yeah, Willie pet keep the bar running for me,
by which I mean continue to sit there and drink yourself to death.
It's been real, not a problem. I used to you know, own
the place. I know how to run it. Don't worry, It'll be
safe. Exciting times. We might have to kill Willy Pete anyway, and
thus ends episode zero. Meet stand Andy Liver of the Dicey Bastards. We
will be back next time when Stan takes on his greatest mission, located and
bringing Jorcera or the Sorcerer back into action. Until then, on behalf of
Steve Weatherall. I'm Mk Gibson, and we thank you very much for tuning
into this. I can't wait to see where this thing goes. I'm not
gonna lie so yeah, I'm curious. Yeah dude, I am too.
All right, this has been the Dicey Bastards. You guys have been great.
Thank you very much and have a great day. Bye bye bye everybody.
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