Andenogy, s cancel so High Ecstasy, Sage Cancelgema, it's not sorry,
andenogy. What's up? Positive bitches? How are we doing today? If
you're hearing this episode, you were meant to be here, So keep listening
on that Bitch's Positive Podcast. Sometimes we will laugh. Other times, Babe
girl, we're gonna cry, but we will always walk away feeling our most
empowered positive bitch self. That is Babe in true connection with herself. On
this podcast, we unbecome who we are not so we can fully step into
exactly who we came here to be. Today is the second part of a
three part series on healing your anxious attack. I Healed My anxious attachment and
so can you? Part two. If you didn't listen to last week's episode,
be sure to check that out first, because that's going to lay the
groundwork for today's episode. Last week, I gave you a couple of tips
and tricks on how to heal your anxious attachment. But today we are talking
about how to heal your attachment system in relation to your nervous system. What
I said is that anxious attachment is nothing wrong with you. You are inherently
worthy However, there's dysfunction in your focus, and there's dysfunction in your regulatory
systems, in your nervous system, and this causes us to not feel our
best. It causes us to feel let me hear you say it, ang
shifts. So today we're going to talk about how to balance our nervous system,
and next week, which will be the third part, will be all
about the energy that is below this three D surface. Before we get into
it, if you're not yet following me on Instagram at vibin with CC,
be sure to follow me there for daily tips and tricks on how to become
your most magnetic self. I am a certified life and energy coach, So
if you are looking for one on one services to balance your anxious attachment,
to shift your self concept, to build those self confident muscles, you can
dm me on Instagram again at vibe in with CC to find out more about
my offerings. It is December, it's a holiday season. Don't forget to
spoil yourself, celebrate yourself, give yourself the gift of healing and book a
one on one session with me. And without further ado, let's get into
today's episode. We are talking about the nervous system because a lot of anxious
attachment is just over active fight and flight. Last week we talked about how
when you have an anxious attachment, you tend towards anxiety. It's because your
signal cry is always on your always looking for that threat. So even when
things are good, you're already worried about when things are gonna get bad again.
Anxious attachment is an over active nervous system, overactive in fight and flight.
Now, there is this theory that I truly believe if you can understand,
can heal your anxious attachment. And it is polyvagal theory. Now this
theory, what it states is that our vagus nerve plays a central role in
the central nervous system regulation that influences our social connections. That might sound like
blah blah blah blah, don't worry, I'm gonna break it down for you.
Essentially, what vagal theory states is that we have this vegus nerve,
and this vegus nerve connects our brain to our gut, and there are sensory
fibers that connect all of these different parts of our body from our heart to
all these other organs and our vegus nerve will tell our heart when to start
beating faster. It will tell us when to go in to fight our flight,
or when it's okay to relax and to rest and digest. So this
vegus nerve controls whether you feel rested and relaxed or if you feel completely stressed
out. It will send signals from your brain to your body and tell your
body what to do. So in tribal times, when our ancestors were hunting,
and let's say our ancestors sore tiger, our vegus nerve would pick up
this information from our brain. Oh, you're seeing a tiger, and this
vague nerve would tell our body go into fight or flight because you gotta get
away from this tiger, or you better hunt it, you better do something.
Okay, But the warning signals hello sos so our vegus nerve because it
connects so much of our body. This theory, the polyvagel theory, is
that our vegus nerve will either make or break our social connections and either make
or break us when it comes to anxiety. If we're always perceiving threats,
our body's always going to think that there's a tiger there, and it's always
gonna feel anxious, it's always going to want to fight or fight. However,
if we're able to perceive safety, then our vegus nerve will tell our
body, all is well. You can enter social engagement mode, you can
have relationships, you can have fun, you can enjoy your time. So
it's up to what we perceive, and then it's up to our vegus nerve
to tell our whole entire body what to do. So here's the thing.
Here's the thing. If we have experienced inconsistent care growing up, we are
going to think that everyone's going to inconsistently meet our needs. So our mindset
is primed to perceive most things as a threat. And if it's not a
threat yet, our mind will perceive that it might become a threat later.
So our brain is constantly telling our body through the vegas nerve, that it
is not safe to exist. If our vegas nerve is constantly telling us it's
not safe, we're always going to be in fight or flight. And when
we're in fight our flight, everything looks like a threat. We thought we
perceive threats before, forget about it. Once we're in fight or flight.
Our whole entire body feels threatened, and it enters this survival mode. Our
brows furrow. The way we perceive information is different, The way we hear
is different. What we see is different, how we feel is different.
Our heart is beating faster. We think we have to run out. This
is why when you go to a party and you don't feel safe at that
party, you might start a fight with your friend just so you can get
out of there, because subconsciously, your body's telling you it's not safe here.
What is the escape plan? How do I get out of here?
So this theory helps us understand that there's nothing wrong with us, But how
our nervous system has been coded maybe tending towards over activation in fight or flight.
If we are always in fight our flight, this means we have something
called poor vagel tone. Our vagal tone is our ability of our nervous system
to shift between fight and flight to rest and die. We need to have
healthy vagual tone so that we're able to shift from stress back to relaxation.
Poor vagal tone results in misdirected responses and high sensitivity to perceived threats in our
environment. This overactivates the body. The body's responses and leads to reduced emotional
and intentional regulation overall. Essentially, what you have with poor vagel tone is
an overactive sympathetic system, which is fight or flight and you cannot concentrate.
It's really hard to have healthy relationships. You can't plan for the future,
and it's hard to pay attention. You don't want to go out, you
don't want to spend time with other people because you never feel safe enough to
do so. So when we're so stressed out, everything essentially becomes difficult to
do, not being able to have a relationship or feeling really anxious in your
relationship. It's not a personality defect. Again, there's nothing specifically wrong with
you. It's poor vagel tone. Poor vagel tone meaning that it's difficult for
you to go from fight and flight to rest and digest, or you're overactive
in your fight and flight. If we have poor vagel tone, we're just
always going to feel like the next shoe is always gonna be about to drop.
We're gonna feel really sensitive, and we're not gonna be able to respond
to our environment in a way that's healthy or in a way that we feel
relaxed. We're always gonna be all the way here, all the way stressed
out, all the way about to freak out. What I said last episode
and what I want to bring up today is that a lot of our anxious
attachment is just a disregulated nervous system and disregulated focus. Today, we're really
focusing on the disregulated nervous system. When we tend towards anxious attachment, it
means to put it in a nutshell. We have poor bagel tone because we're
not able to switch between fight and flight back to rest and digest. We
get eaten up by fight and fight. We're thinking, oh my god,
they're gonna cheat on me, they're gonna abandon me, they're gonna find someone
better. We cannot exit fight or flight, and so we stay there.
We have an overactive imagination in the negative sense and an overactive nervous system.
That signal cry is on too much of the time. So what do we
do if our nervous system has been this way our whole entire life, where
we're constantly scanning for threats, We're constantly looking for if our needs are going
to be met. We're constantly thinking the next shoe might drop. What do
we do? What is the cure. The cure is having a toolbox of
different ways for you to regulate yourself. Us who tend towards the anxious attachment
and we were not given tools to regulate ourselves. For me personally, growing
up, anytime I felt disregulated, I would go to my mom and she
would fix it for me. I didn't learn how to regulate my emotions.
If my mom wasn't there, I would just disassociate and binge eat everything in
sight. I didn't learn healthy ways of regulating myself in order to have a
strong vagal tone. We need vehicles of relaxation. We need vehicles. We
need tools to get us back to rest and die. Just what we're lacking
is ways tools, vehicles of self regulation. That's what this is. If
we're constantly looking for a threat, we need to exit fight and fight,
and we need to enter our power sympathetic nervous system, which is rest and
die. Just so, how do we do this? I'm gonna tell you
everything I have done and the things that work the best. Every single time
my partner would leave my house, I would immediately feel a sense of deep
abandonment, even though I consciously knew well he has work, well, he
has to go back home while we don't live together, so obviously he's not
going to stay here. Even though I consciously knew that my brain understood it,
my body didn't because my nervous system was so overactive, My vague old
tone was poor that I couldn't get myself to understand how to get back into
ar rest and digest. What I came to realize is that my inner child
was screaming at me, and I was just basically telling her to shush up.
I wasn't giving her the affection, the love, the care, and
the attention she needed. If you feel like every time your partner isn't with
you, or goes to hang out with their friends, or goes home or
can't be there, you feel a deep sense of abandonment. It's as if
the punishment doesn't fit the crime. I feel really abandoned, but my partner
just went to go to work. When it's like that and you're noticing that
feeling is coming up time and time again, it doesn't have to do with
the dude. It has to do with the dynamic you have with this dude
and your nervous system. So we have to realize Okay, I can either
I have two options here. I can either blame this partner and say it's
their fault that I feel abandoned. It's their fault that I feel my nervous
system has poor vagal tone. It's their fault I feel really anxious. Or
you can take responsibility and realize that many different partners have the ability to make
you feel like this because your inner child screaming has to do with you and
has nothing to do with them. This has more to do with you than
it has to do with them. It's not the dude, it's the dynamic
you have with the dude. So what do we do? As much as
you have an inner child within you? And by the way, what is
your inner child? Your inner child is a part of you that felt unseen,
unheard, unloved growing up. Even though we age physically, we turn
twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. You know that when someone asks you,
oh, do you feel older today, You're like, no, I
feel exactly the same. Yeah. We don't really emotionally age unless we do
the work, unless we're learning lessons and lefts, we're reading the self help
books and working on ourselves physically. It's really easy to age, but mentally
and emotionally, there are a lot adults that are acting like children out there
because they did not do the work. So as much as we are our
inner child and that part of us still lives on within us, we also
have a wise inner adult within ourselves. When I would feel completely triggered and
I was in fight or flight, I would have to use my wise inner
parents to regulate myself back to rest and digest my parasympathetic nervous system. So
what I would do is a couple of things, but they all fall under
inner child's work. One thing I would do is just have a conscious conversation
with myself. I would say, cci you are safe, it's okay.
I'm here with you. I'm here with you, I'm not leaving you.
If you feel like you want to cry, let it out, let your
voice be heard. So I would just talk to my inner child like I
would desire an adult to talk to me if I were that child today,
right here, right now. If I was that child, I would want
an adult to tell me that I was safe, that I was okay,
that all was working out for me. So I just told that to that
part of myself that was aching inside. Because again, as much as we
are that inner child, we are also that wise adult. You have both
parts of you, so use both parts. Another thing I would do is
write a letter to my inner child, telling my inner child that we were
safe, that all was well. I would update my inner child on all
the beautiful things I have created in her life, how proud she would be
of her adult self. And a third thing I would do is I would
ask myself, what would my inner child used to love to do, and
how can I connect to her by doing that thing today? So one thing
my inner child used to love to do, and I still love this today,
honestly, but it's arts and crafts. I got myself these Mendala coloring
books and their beautiful, beautiful patterns, and I got myself colored pencils.
And when I would feel myself getting over active, poor bagel tone, going
into fight or flight, I would say, let me go color, Let
me connect with my inner child, let me calm her down, let me
do something that brings me peace, Let me connect with my inner child.
And I would just color, and I would do as many pages as I
needed to do in order to come back to rest and die jest. So
inner child's work can look different for different people. If you used to love
to have picnics, have a picnic, if you used to love to color
color, if you used to love to dance, dance, do something you
used to do, and connecting to this inner child will help her feel safe
and will help you get back to rest and digest. Also, like I
said, you can write a letter to your inner child, this is like
journaling, and remind her she's safe. Or you can just have that conscious
conversation with yourself and say I am safe, we are safe. All is
okay. I'm not abandoning you. No one can abandon you if I don't
abandon you, because I am the person that matters the most. And that's
just the truth. We came into this world alone, and we're gonna leave
this world alone. We will meet other souls in other dimensions and all will
be beautiful. But we cannot be abandoned if we don't abandon ourselves. And
that's the most important thing to remember. Another thing I noticed is that my
nervous system would be so overactive, and it was because I would be at
home or going to a friend's house or even going to dinner. Honestly,
it didn't matter what I was doing. If my partner wasn't with me and
he was out or on a work trip, I was so focused on what
is he doing, who's he talking to? Is he out to dinner,
is he out? What's happening. He works at a job where he travels,
not very often, but often enough that I noticed it multiple times a
quarter. So I told myself, look, Cecie, you have to figure
this out, because you're either going to be a nervous wreck for the rest
of your life or you're going to learn a way to quell this anxiety.
I chose the latter. It's almost a blessing he had to travel so much
because it gave me so much time to practice this. But what I would
do is I realized, I'm focusing more on his human experience and I'm focused
on my own. I'm focused more on who is he talking to, what
is he doing? That I'm forgetting that I exist. I have a life
here, I have things to do. I have a business, I have
clients, I have friends, I have family, I have activities I want
to do. I want to go work out. I was simply just forgetting
about my own human experience. And I call this body bouncing. My spirit
would literally leave my body and I would be so focused on him and I
would forget about myself. We do this when we go to the bar and
we're like, oh, I hope someone buys me a drink, and then
we body bounce to whoever we're talking talking to, and we're trying to figure
out do they like me? Are they interested in me? Are they going
to want to date me? That we don't even realize. Wait, do
I like them? Do I want to date them? Am I interested in
them? We body bounce when we're more connected to that other person than we
are our own human experience. So how do we stop body bouncing? By
using your senses. When you use one of your five senses, whether it's
touch, taste, what you're looking at, what you're smelling, it doesn't
matter what sense you use, what you're hearing, it doesn't matter. But
when you use one of your physical senses, that actually helps ground your spirit,
your energy back in your own body, and it will help you regulate
your nervous system. Because let's think about this. If you're more focused on
what they're doing, who are they talking to? What are they doing blah
blah blah blah blah. You're going to put yourself in fight or flight because
you're thinking there's a threat. There could be another woman, there could be
another man, there could be another something. They could be talking to someone
else. You're putting yourself into fight or flight for nothing. For nothing.
You're assuming the worst for nothing. Quick tip for my anxious attachment people,
by the way, instead of assuming the worst, if you are gonna think
about them, give your nervous system a break and assume the best. If
they have not given you a reason to doubt their authenticity, assume the best.
For your own self. Assume the best. And I know you might
be thinking CEC. Assuming the best is so hard. I know it's hard
at first. Anything's hard. Assuming the worst is hard. What you do
is going to be hard regardless. But if you assume the best and you
practice that, the more you practice assuming the best, the easier it's going
to be. Assume they're being faithful. Assume they're treating you well. Assume
they're talking highly about you, and if they show you evidence that that is
not true, later on you will deal with the evidence. But if there's
no evidence, you have to stop freaking yourself out, and you need to
take responsibility. I know it's difficult because I've freaking been there, but it's
possible to do and you have great power, so let's start doing that.
But that's just a side note. How do we use our senses to tap
back into our body? I specifically remember my partner was either out or on
a business trip and I was going to my friend's house for her birthday.
And I remember it was raining and I was in the uber and I was
having so much anxiety over what my partner was doing. And I told myself,
Cecie, your body bouncing right now, get back into your own body.
So I decided to look at the rain, to look at the droplets
that were hitting the window. There happened to be a fair going on at
that time, and I remember seeing the lights of the fair, and I
remember just looking at the street lights and the lights of the fair and the
droplet's on the window and the rain, and I remember saying, listen to
the music that's playing off your phone, because I was playing music on my
phone in the uber. And I use my senses to get back into my
own body. When you call your power back to you. When you call
your energy back to you by grounding yourself through your own senses, it feels
so much better because instead of you focus on what are they doing, what
are they doing? What are they doing? And putting yourselfself into fight or
flight, you're focused on what's in front of me, What day is it,
what time is it? What am I doing? Right now? You're
remembering your own human experience, which is grounding for your body. That's relaxing
for your own body. Now, this is really just appreciating our own perspective,
our own point of view, our own incarnation. And I feel like
I've said this a thousand billion times, but it's just worth repeat. You
came here to live via your own point of view, your own perspective,
your own incarnation. You came here for you. Please do not throw that
away because you've learned some faulty programming in your past. It's not worth it,
and it also feels terrible. So let's refocus on you, if not
for that reason, for at least your inner child. Sometimes it's harder to
do something for ourselves. It's harder to stand up for ourselves, it's harder
to heal for ourselves. Think of your inner child. Think of her.
She deserves a life where she can live and feel grounded and not anxious all
the time, and she can feel liberated. She got you here. Now
it's time for you to take the reins and really do this damn thing.
It's time something with anxious attachment that you're gonna want to look out for.
Is we tend to when our partner is giving us love and affection and joy
or look it because we're already focused on when the other shoe is going to
drop. So even when my partner was giving me validation and love and safety,
I couldn't really appreciate it because I was already so worried for what possibly
could happen next. So it's really important that you convey. Once you understand
your anxious attachment, tell your partner about your perspective. And the way you
do this is you say, partner, I'm not fully evolved yet and there's
still some things I'm working through, and one of those things happens to be
anxious attachment. So I just want you to know that when you're out or
when you're doing certain things, I might need extra reassurance. Communication goes such
a long way I have always been so open with my partner, and so
me speaking up for my needs wasn't necessarily a difficult thing for me to do.
I think that's because my mom always told me, the squeaky wheel gets
the grease you. Speaking up for your needs does not make you needy.
It's you putting yourself on the pedestal. If you shut your own voice down,
you're just putting yourself back into fight or flight. When you shut yourself
down, you're actually pedestaling the other person because you're perceiving what do I have
to do? So they like me, You're perceiving from their point of view
rather than your own. Speaking up for your needs does not make you needy.
It makes you bold, confident, and it makes you putting yourself on
your own pedestal. It makes you authentic. That's what this is. So
telling your partner don't blame them, because I know it's easy to blame.
Don't blame them. Say look, I'm just not yet that evolved, and
this is what I'm feeling, this is what I'm going through, and I
am sometimes going to need extra reassurance. So I told my partner this and
some little things that he did for me was one time before a business trip,
he wrote me, like these little notes, It's going to be okay,
and he put them on my water bottle and he just wrote me a
couple of little notes that I could have and I didn't know he did that
until after he left, and that just made me feel so seen and validated.
This is funny, but like with anxious attachment, if someone didn't speak
to me, I would either assume they forgot I existed, or I would
forget they existed. And so I always told my partner, there are times
where if we're not in contact, if we go five hours with no communication,
I literally feel like you just forgot that I existed. And because we
had some of our own traumatic moments together where what he did made me feel
forgotten about that was like a really big trigger for me, and so I
told him there are some times that I just feel like you don't know that
I exist. So if we're gonna either one of us have a busy day,
it would be really helpful if we could just say, hey, I'm
going to be on a bunch of calls, so I won't be able to
talk till later, and now we can go hours and hours and hours without
speaking. But because we just put that buffer of hey, I'm probably not
going to be near my phone by the way, I'm going to be recording,
or I'm going to be in meetings, we know, Oh, my
partner didn't forget about me, but they're just really busy. We've healed so
much together, but there is a time that if he did not tell me
these words, I truly believed he forgot about me. I also want to
let you know that as you heal with a partner and with yourself, your
anxiety is gonna get less and less and less. And now my partner could
do things that would have triggered me in the past and they don't trigger me
at all. So I do just want to say, yeah, there's a
little bit of a learning curve here. It's more difficult at first to learn
these new ways of being, but the more you practice them with your partner,
the easier it's going to be. There are partners out there that are
going to meet you halfway, that are going to show up for you and
help you through your anxious attachment and help you heal through love. It's a
beautiful thing. Another thing my partner does for me is every time he goes
on a business trip, he brings me back a T shirt just from the
airport. It's not this expensive thing, it's just a little T shirt.
And that's another way of saying, hey, I remember you, and I
know you exist, and I know we're in a relationship. But there was
a time where I really did need that, and now it's just it's almost
like a tradition we have now. And even when I'm like, Okay,
I have enough T shirts, he's like, no, it's something we do
together. It's our thing. So telling your partner how you feel can make
your relationship so much better. People think conversation leads to conflict, but really
conversation leads to you getting closer together. Speak up for your needs. Because
my partner could not do any of those things to help me heal through my
anxiety if I did not convey them to him. Now, something I had
to do, and it was something I had to learn, was when he
would bring me a shirt at first, or when he would give me love
or attention. It was hard for me to receive it because I almost thought,
well, if I receive this love and affection now, when is going
to be the next moment where it's not there, so I should hold off.
And it's this lack mindset that there's just not going to be enough of
my needs met, so I always have to be on edge. What I
would do is when he did meet one of my needs, I would take
a second. I would take a deep breath, and I would say,
Okay, how can I receive this beautiful moment of him meeting my needs and
him giving me love and affection and attention. How can I receive this one
percent more? Do I have just one percent more room to receive this pap
positive energy he's giving me. It's like when we go out and someone gives
us a compliment and we're like, no, I'm not pur andful, No,
no way, I'm discussing, I'm garbage whatever. It's when we do
that we shut down the positive energy. Can you accept the positive energy in
one percent more? Just one percent? You don't need to be completely open.
Oh yeah, I'm receiving all this positive energy. Can you receive it
just one percent more? Just one percent more? Allowing that one percent more
in can really help you rest into your own body rather than being so cautious
of I can't even rest into my rest and digest because I have to be
in fight or flight because when is my next meat need not going to be
met? We don't need to do that, We don't need to be so
robotic and so stiff. You're allowed to let this energy in. So it's
just a little reminder. And I literally had a little post it that just
said one percent more on my wall for a really long time to remind myself
every single day, can I just let it in one percent more? Now?
There are also ways that you can use your body to get you regulated
working out. For me, I love to work out, yes, because
I want to look a physical way. I want to be fit. That
is something I really value health more than anything, and I think it takes
you getting sick to value your health. And I've been sick and I never
want to go back there again. I really value feeling good in my body
and in my clothes, so that's definitely there. But my number one reason
for working out is, oh my god, my mental health. I was
just talking to my partner about this last night because we were talking about how
if we don't work out, it literally shifts how we feel about ourselves for
the rest of the day. Working out. What you don't realize is it
releases first of ault endorphins and happy feeling chemicals, but it also releases the
negative energy and it grounds you when you're working out. It's hard to be
in your head when you have to pick up a twenty pound weight. It's
hard to be in your head when you're trying to hold a yoga pose because
you're literally having to focus, You're having to be present, You're having to
focus on your own human experience. Plus you're releasing all the negative energy and
giving yourself happy feeling chemicals. Working out is a great vehicle to regulate your
emotions, your nervous system, and yourself. So after he would leave,
I would go take a walk, just a mile walk on the treadmill,
just to relax myself back into my own body. Do not sleep on yoga,
on working out, on taking a walk, even stretching. A beautiful
thing about yoga is yoga is a great way to actually press practice vagel toning.
Going from fight and flight to rest and digest. Doing interval training again
is a great way to practice vagel toning. Why because you're going from your
body being stressed up picking up this heavyweight or stressed out and doing a yoga
pose to oh, now I get to relax and have this twenty second rest
or I get to relax and now go into a child pose. You're teaching
your body it's okay to go from a fight and flight to a rest and
digest. So working out is a great metaphor and a great way to practice
going from these different systems of our own body. The last tool that I
would suggest for regulating your nervous system is a healthy distraction like stand up comedy
or a comfort show that you used to watch on Disney or Nickelodeon, something
like that. Go back to things that bring you comfort, that can make
you laugh. There are people who swear that that they healed their whole entire
body just because they would watch funny things. So laughing is a great way.
It's a great medicine to regulate your emotions, regulate your body, and
get yourself back on track. Okay, positive bitches. If this podcast resonated
with you, if it helps you heal, share it with someone who may
also need the gift of healing this holiday season. If you know someone who
deals with anxiety, send this podcast to them. You never know how much
you can help them, or what sentence they needed to hear that's going to
help them take control back over their own life. If you liked this podcast,
if you could leave a positive review on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, it
would mean the world to me. It really helps this podcast grow. And
if not for me, do it for you, because good karma the sparkle
in me as always honors the sparkle in you. I can't wait for this
third part of this series, the energy behind it all, and I will
see you in the next one. Can see Hama, sorry something adenogy cancer
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